#i have more but i've lost them bc i already wrote so much oof!

[tvrningout-archived]

OKAY BEANS AND BUDS time for a whole frikkin essay about my gremlin son kaigaku and precious bean zenitsu : )) and bc i’ve seen personals accounts liking my posts lately, pls do not reblog this. liking is fine, tho!

now that i’ve had time to think about it, i really!! feel like kaigaku and zenitsu are foils of each other!! both of them started out as orphans; both of them were taken in by gramps; both of them are cowardly; both of them have a desire to feel loved. that desire just manifests differently, and the two boys turn out incredibly different because of their personalities and likely their experiences prior to meeting gramps.

zenitsu’s desire to feel loved manifests not only as self-sacrificing kindness ( ex: protecting nezuko’s box with his body ) but also in his ( attempted ) womanizing tendencies. like yeah, it’s used as a joke in the series and would also be kinda typical of some teenage characters, but i feel like his habit of pestering girls about marrying him/generally throwing himself at them comes from zenitsu’s desire to be loved. when gramps finds him, he got tricked by a girl he thought loved him, and he talks about he never had anyone who cared enough to stick around until gramps. gramps never gave up on him, pushed him to be better, but zenitsu never experienced that before. i can see how he’d go looking for it in the wrong way. he doesn’t have a family, so why not find someone who loves him enough to make their own?

but then we have kaigaku, and his desire to be loved translates to being “ special. ” we don’t get a lot of background on him save for what happened with gyomei and the other orphans, so where this comes from is to be determined! but we know he was a hard worker, and he did respect gramps at one point bc he was always angry at zenitsu for being a crybaby and in his eyes, wasting the old pillar’s time. i think with kaigaku, he probably thrived under gramps while he was the only disciple, feeling special to be trained by someone so strong. if gramps didn’t give up on zenitsu when he could only master the first form of thunder breathing, that means he didn’t give up on kaigaku when he couldn’t master the first form. that would further reinforce that feeling kaigaku craved.

zenitsu’s appearance is where the conflict begins to arise here because suddenly, kaigaku doesn’t get all of gramps’ attention. some cowardly, crybaby brat gets it, too, and i don’t doubt that if kaigaku badmouthed zenitsu, gramps would’ve scolded him. now there’s a seed of doubt in his mind, now there’s the thought that maybe he isn’t special after all. maybe gramps will discard him like everyone else has, so what does kaigaku do? he discards him first, pushes him away. at least, that’s what i imagine, considering he doesn’t feel guilty when he finds out about gramps’ death. that might also be an effect of being twisted by muzan’s influence? bc he’d definitely feed into kaigaku’s resentment as that’d keep him motivated to get stronger.

but bottom line, kaigaku is a coward just like his fellow thunder breather. they’re just cowardly in very different ways. zenitsu gets scared of pretty normal things and cries, but in the end, he does protect people. his cowardice never endangers others. it’s because of others that zenitsu is able to overcome his fears, even if that means he has to pass out first. zenitsu places the lives of others over his own.

kaigaku doesn’t do that. his life is placed over others, and his cowardice affects his ability to protect people because he will sacrifice them to save his own skin. if he can live, he can one day “ win ” and “ show them all, ” and why’s that important?? bc he doesn’t feel special! he has no value, and he will do anything to gain it. i don’t think kaigaku really knows how to do that, though, how to feel special and feel cared for. so he takes the first kind hand offered to him; then he betrays them to live; then he takes gramps’ hand and tries to get strong enough to be a pillar; then he betrays his comrades bc he doesn’t want to die, and holy?? upper moon one is choosing to change him into a demon, so he’s GOTTA be special, right? and everyone who’s ever looked down on him, who’s ever judged him, who’s ever hurt him ( intentionally or not ), fuck ‘em! he’ll hurt them before they can hurt him and prove how special he is!

and that’s where i really wanna dive in and develop some divergence from canon! think about how differently kaigaku could have been if he understood he didn’t matter less to gramps just because zenitsu showed up. did gramps probably spend more time with him? yeah, but zenitsu seemed to need the mentorship more than kaigaku at the time bc guess what!! kaigaku was skilled!! a diligent, hard worker!! gramps didn’t have to watch over him like he did zenitsu.

and i keep thinking about how zenitsu said kaigaku always had a dissatisfied sound... sir that was 100% directed at himself and just projected onto others BYE