#i have constantly had to pick shit out of salads because my mother does not respect my sensory issues and doesn't believe that i am in

[elkian]

Truly the pissing on the poor-ass website. The point isn't "tell me about good alt-meat varients!" it's "for the love of peace don't lie to people about what's in their food".

Because, best-case, you've done something unethical and really fucking creepy and given them a good reason not to trust you.

Worst case, you fucking kill them.

“Meatless alternatives are getting so good, you should try them! I bet you wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference! In fact….”

Please

Please

Please stop trying to sneak-feed me meat alternatives.

I am willing to prepare and share a vegan meal with you, I’m willing to skip animal products in our group spaces.

Please.

Stop trying to sneak-feed me meat alternatives.

[autumnleaves1991-blog]

Here is mine buddy! #54 and 55 for Pope!

A/N: Always got a little smutty Santi in my heart for you. :) Thanks for reading, reblogging, commenting, and liking. 

Pairing: Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia x F! Reader 

Warnings: 18 + ONLY NSFW (Language, fighting, cockwarming, oral F!, p in v unprotected sex)

My Masterlist 

The Fight 

You loved Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia. He was passionate, loyal, and utterly devoted to you. But it was becoming more and more apparent lately that you took a back seat to his work. His dream of cleaning up his mother’s home country of Colombia had taken the front seat of his time. When you agreed to follow him to South America, you had romanticized ideas of traveling together in his off days and seeing the beautiful country. Wandering markets on weekends, drinking coffee together on the small balcony overlooking the city. You sigh and flip through the magazine again for the tenth time, looking over to the closed door to the home office. 

In response to your begging to spend time with him, he had created a space at home for him to work. But, the door always remained closed. His fingers are racing against the keys and the Bluetooth attached to his ear, speaking in rapid-fire Spanish. You shut the magazine and go into the kitchen, knowing that it’s getting close to dinner time. Pulling out the ingredients you need to make spaghetti and salad. You flick on the stereo and sway along to Selena as she serenades through the speakers. You are so in the movement you don’t hear the office door open or Santi shouting until you feel his hand on your shoulder. 

You yelp and whip around, “Jesus, Santi, you scared the crap out of me!” you shout and place a hand on your chest. 

He flicks off the stereo and sighs, “Querida, I’m on an important call; I need you to keep it down out here.” He looks annoyed, and you can’t help but nod along. 

“Yeah, sure, I’ll just turn it down.” 

He walks away without even a kiss and goes back towards the office, “Keep it off,” he tosses over his shoulder and slams the door. 

You can take a lot of shit, but you’ve had enough. You turn off the stove, put away all the cold things, and stomp over to the bedroom. Flinging the door open, you grab your suitcase from under the bed and start pouring stuff into it. Huffing and cursing as you go. You are making such a fuss that the door to the office opens, and you hear his boots come down the hall and the door push open. “What the he-” he stops seeing you pack. “Querida? What are you doing?” 

“I didn’t come all the way the fuck down here to be ignored, Santiago. I know what you are doing is important, but if I can’t even listen to music while I make YOU dinner, then what the hell am I doing here?! I’m in the way, and you’ve made that abundantly clear with that fucking office door constantly slamming in my face!” You let out a frustrated scream as you move to the closet and rip your clothes off the hangars. 

“But...but I put in the home office for you? So I could spend more time with you!” 

“Santiago, since you put in that office, I see you even less than I did before! Do you realize you’ve been home all day today, and the only time I’ve seen you is when I brought you a plate for lunch and then again when you yelled at me about the music!” 

He doesn’t say anything, and you let out a humorless laugh, continuing to stuff the bag full. “Stop,” his voice is so quiet you barely hear it, “Stop, stop, stop!” he shouts and grabs your hand, stilling you. “You can’t leave me.” 

“What’s the fucking point of me staying Santiago? You don’t need me.” You hate how defeated you sound, but it’s been building for months. 

“I do! I do need you!” he begs, pulling you close to his chest. “I know I’ve been a shit boyfriend the last couple of months, but I wouldn’t survive here without you. You keep me sane, fed, loved. I would wither away without you.” 

You mumble against his chest, “then why doesn’t your mother come and stay with you if that’s all you need.” His chest shakes with his chuckle, and you slowly wrap your arms around him as the spice of his cologne fills your senses, calming you down. 

“I don’t want to make love to my mother, Querida.”

You scoff and pull away, looking into his expressive brown eyes, “Or me, it seems. It’s been weeks, Santi.” He frowns and looks toward the clock on the wall. 

“Fuck, I have one last call I need to make,” your heart sinks, and you pull further away, but he keeps his arms firmly around you. “C’mere, you can sit on my lap until I’m done working. That way, I can keep you close and finish for the day. I promise I’ll take the next couple of days off, and we can take a trip down to Cali. I know you’ve wanted to go.” 

You nod and let him lead you back to the home office. He pauses in the front of the plush office chair and looks between you and the chair. “Would you...would you sit on my cock while I work?” Your mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water, and he grins, moving down to unbuckle his jeans and push them down and off. His cock bounces forward and against his stomach, thick and ribbed. Santi always was a commando man. 

You reach for the waistband of your panties and step out of them, thanking the forethought of wearing a sundress today. He sits down, and the leather moans under him; his hands reach out for you and slide up your thigh until he reaches your folds. His head dips below the hem of your dress, and you hear him moan as he licks your clit. His fingers are sliding up and down your slick. “What, what are you doing?” your voice shakes. 

“Making sure you’re ready to take my cock,” he sucks on your clit, and you reach for his shoulders and dig your hands into his leather jacket. He flicks his tongue against you in broad strokes, his fingers slowly edging inside you. “I’ve been neglecting you,” he’s husky as he pulls his head out and gazes up at you, his fingers moving inside you. “I will never leave you to take care of yourself again; that’s my job.” He withdraws his fingers and brings them up to his lips, sucking them. “Fuck, I love how you taste.” 

His back rests against the chair, and he pats his lap. You turn, and he grabs your wrist turning you back to face him. Your knees bend as you drop down to his lap and line up his cock, impaling yourself down on him slowly. You let out a low moan as he fills you, every ridge hitting you so perfectly. “Take it slow, Querida; it’s been a little while.” He coaxes you with small circles on your clit until your seated on him completely. Your head tucked into the crook of his neck, and your arms curled up against his chest. You sigh and roll your hips, his hands coming down to still you. 

“Querida, if you do that. I won’t get any work done. I need you to stay very still for me, and then when I’m done, I will reward you, okay?” You tremble, thinking of your reward, and nod wordlessly. He returns the Bluetooth to his ear, and you hear the dial ringing loudly before someone picks up on the other hand. He rocks forward to move the chair closer to the desk, and you bite down hard on your lip as he moves inside you. 

His hands come around to the keys, and you listen as his voice comes out deep and stern, clearly annoyed with the person on the receiving end. The keys tap tap, and he’s so warm it’s all so relaxing you feel your eyes begin to droop. 

You woke with a start and shot up, letting out a deep groan. Santiago has a thin sheen of sweat clinging to his forehead, and he is fucking up into you. Your mouth opens, and you brace yourself on his shoulders, bouncing up and down with each thrust. “What? Does that feel good?” he teases and moves a hand beneath your dress and rubs your clit. You tighten around him and kiss him passionately, tangling your tongues together. You clench tightly around him, and he moves harder and faster, the sweat glistening on your forehead. 

“Are you going to cum on my cock Querida?” You nod and feel the blinding heat surge between you, shaking throughout your entire body as you soak him. “Yes!” he moans, kneading your hips and working you through it. A few more thrusts and he is spilling inside you, painting your walls in hot ropes of cum. 

You collapse, shivering against his chest, and he mouths at your neck, his teeth grazing. “Did you like your reward?” he whispers, and you nod, eyes closed tightly. “Good, because that is only the beginning of how much making up I have to do.” You groan and yelp as he pushes himself out of the chair; still inside you, you wrap your legs around his waist as he carries you to the bedroom. And boy, does he make it up to you. 

Taglist: @oldstuffnewstuff @yespolkadotkitty @heythere-mel @justanotherblonde23 @artsymaddie @anetteaneta @lunarthoughts @aellynera @lucifer- @houseofthirst @chicken-ona-stick @agirllovespancakes @amberembers @santiagogarcia @jedi-mando @spider-starry @idreamofboobear @aerolanya @josepedropascal @revolution-starter @ghostwiththemostbitch @rebelliouscat

[ilovefandoms102]

Is this a joke?

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Plus Size Reader

Summary: JJ’s chases away a touron that flirts with you....

Taglist:

@drewswannabegirl​ @velyssaraptor​ @kaitieskidmore1​ @jiaraendgame​ @teamnick​ @jeyramarie​ @they-write-once-in-a-blue-moon​ @baby-pogue​ @ma10427​ @judayyyw​ @must-be-a-weasley-92​ @iamaunicorn4704​ @agirlwholovescoffee​ @justcallmesams​ @lasnaro​ @lonely-kermit​ @jellyfishbeansontoast​ @ifilwtmfc​ @gviosca​ @fernweh-fangirl​ @runway-to-my-aid​ @eb15​ @tangledinsparkles​ @hurricane-abigail​

Note:  I’m so happy you guys are loving this series! I hope you guys enjoy this one and let me know what you think!

=============================

I grew up in the Outer Banks, my house between JJ’s and John B.’s....

We all grew up together, the three of us best friends since the third grade. My parents worked at the same hotel JJ did, both of them cooks in the restaurant. As soon as I reached of age I got a job as a waitress at Kie’s family restaurant The Wreck. Random days that I was off, JJ and I would help Pope deliver groceries. 

===================================

I was at the hotel my parents and JJ worked at, eating a salad since I wasn’t really all that hungry. My mother walked out to check on me, eyeing what I was eating.

“Ah y/n, nice to see you eating healthy. Maybe once you lose a few pounds, JJ will take interest in you.” she scoffed, walking back into the kitchen.

And there it was....

Ever since I can remember, I had always been different from other people here. By different I mean my body size, I was considered plus size to society. While everyone else was super skinny and fit on this island, here I was with my slow ass metabolism. I had tried everything to lose weight, the only option would be to go on a weight loss pill at this point which no way I’d be able to afford. I wished more than anything I could be accepted by my parents for the way I am....the only people that really accepted me was the Pogues. They have never treated me differently from anyone else. JJ came out a few minutes later, seeing my deep frown that had settled on my face.

“What’s wrong princess?” he asked, taking a seat beside me.

“Nothing I want to bother you with J...” I mumbled, picking at the lettuce on my plate.

“Come on, you know you can tell me anything.” he said, his hand coming to hold mine that was sitting on the table.

That was the problem though....

How can I tell this boy I had known my whole life the demons that were constantly nagging at the back of my brain? How could I tell him something he would not remotely understand? I couldn’t bear to see the look of pity in his eyes if I were to tell him. I stared at his hand holding mine, butterflies igniting in the pit of my stomach. I’ve always had feelings for JJ, ever since I can remember. Him and I had always been the closest out of everyone in our friend group. I pushed my feelings for him way in the back of my brain, I knew he’d never be able to look at me the way he does other girls. 

“You’re a thousand miles away from me.” JJ chuckled, his thumb rubbing my hand. 

“Sorry,um anyways, are we still having a movie night at John B.’s?” I asked, changing the subject in hopes it distracted him. 

“I see what you did there princess, but yes we are. Now, tell me what’s wrong and why you’re so sad. I don’t like seeing you sad.” he insisted, his eyes searching mine.

“It’s really nothing JJ, just my parents nagging me.” I mumbled, taking my hand away from his to lean back away from him. 

“I’ll let you get away with that for now since I have to get back to work, but I won’t let it slide again. I’ll see you at JB’s.” he sighed, getting up from the chair. He walked past me and stopped midstep, I looked up at him confused. He leaned and kissed my forehead, smiling at me before heading back.

What the fuck was that?????

===============================

It was rush hour at The Wreck, tourons and locals were flooding the inside and outside dinning tables. Kie and I were running around like crazy, trying to tend to tables and the bar. The guys came in, taking up the rest of the seats at the bar. JJ smiled wide at me, John B. waved, and Pope nodded his greeting. Kie rolled her eyes but smiled after. I knew she had a big crush on Pope, I had been giving her a hard time about it for weeks since she’s told me. But, she got me back because she had sniffed out my feelings for JJ. 

“What movies did you guys pick?” I asked while getting them some drinks. 

“Sarah is letting me borrow her Conjuring series. That ok?” John B. asked.

“Yeah I’m cool with scary.” I laughed, setting JJ’s drink in front of him.

“I’ll protect you from the scary parts princess.” JJ winked, I in turn flushed 80 shades of red.

“Pretty sure it’ll be y/n protecting YOU from the scary parts JJ.” Kie said, all of us laughing while JJ pouted. I patted his hand, winking back at him.

“When will you all be able to leave?” Pope asked, eyeing Kie.

“Hopefully as soon as this rush is over...” Kie sighed, looking at me before back to the guys. 

There was one more chair at the bar, and a really cute guy sat down in it. It just so happened to be next to JJ, the touron eyed me up and down. JJ saw and his jaw clenched.

“Hey cutie, could I get a menu please?” the boy asked.

I handed him a menu, his fingers purposefully brushed against mine when I pulled away. I took his drink order and could feel JJ’s eyes burning holes through me. I wasn’t sure what his problem was, he flirted with girls all the time. What did it matter if some random touron that I would probably never see again was flirting with me? Kie was trying really hard to not laugh, I guess finding JJ’s glare amusing. 

The touron left you a hefty tip, and his phone number. JJ was raging at this point, clanging his silverware on purpose, or sitting his glass down too hard. 

“Sorry about my friends, they’re protective of me.” I laughed, shooting daggers at JJ.

“Oh it’s no problem, I would be too if I had a pretty girl like you as my friend. Although I’d hope to be more than just friends.” he said, smiling. My eyes went wide, the words resonating in my head. I had never had a guy be this nice to me, let alone go out of the way to flirt with me. 

“I think she gets it pal, you paid now run along.” JJ griped, his muscles bulging slightly when he threw his thumb over his shoulder.

“JJ!” Kie and I yelled.

The poor guy scurried out of The Wreck. I looked back at JJ with a look I’m sure would have buried him 6 feet under. The fucker smiled at me, acting like what he did was fine.

“What the fuck was that?!” I demanded. John B. and Pope’s eyes went wide as saucers. They had never seen me this angry before, especially at JJ. 

“Oh shit,” John B. whispered.

“You’re in trouble,” Pope murmured.

“He smelled funny, and he was weird. Who says they want to be more than friends to someone they just met?” he scoffed.

“You’re an asshole JJ.” I growled, throwing my towel down before stalking to the back of the restaurant. I could hear the other Pogues yelling at him, but I was too mad to care at the moment. 

===============================

I didn’t speak to anyone the rest of my shift, purposefully waiting on other tables to avoid going to the bar. I was so confused by what JJ did, he had some nerve I know that much.....

Never in my life had a guy go out of their way to be nice to me. I had never been flirted with before like that, and it was a nice feelings. Knowing that I wasn’t being judged for my size, or even if the guy didn’t mind my size, it felt good. I had never felt beautiful in anyone’s eyes....and JJ had to ruin it. I wasn’t sure I could forgive him, what he did was way out of line. He has slept and flirted with his fair share of girls, what’s it to him that ONE guy has given me his number and was nice to me. 

================================

Kie and I were finally cleared to go home, all of us piling in John B.’s van. He had let me sit up front so I wouldn’t have to be in the back with JJ, siding with me that what he did was not ok. Kie and I had brought left overs from The Wreck with us for all of us to munch on as we watched the movies. JJ pouted the whole ride home, not speaking to anyone. 

John B. pulled into the chateau, taking the bags of food from me to carry in the house since they were really heavy. I grabbed my stuff since we all planned on sleeping over, and headed inside. JJ stopped me, offering to help me carry my other bags.

“I’m really sorry ok.” he mumbled, looking at the ground.

“What you did was not ok JJ, you realize that we will probably never see that guy again right? It was harmless flirting.” I said, letting him take some of my stuff.

“I didn’t like it...” he whispered, his blue eyes coming to meet mine.

“JJ you sleep and flirt with tons of girls! Why was it so wrong for that guy to be flirting with me?! Do you know what it’s like to look like me and for the FIRST time someone took interest in me and didn’t judge me because of my size JJ?! No you don’t, none of you do. I struggle every single day knowing that people look at me differently because I am not society’s norm of a perfect woman. No one wants a fat girl JJ, and the one time a guy takes interest in me....you ruin it. Do you know how that makes me feel? No, because you can get any girl you want just by looking at them. People take one look at me and run because they think I don’t deserve love and affection.” I ranted, almost in tears at this point.

“There is nothing wrong with how you look, and I haven’t slept with anyone in months. You know why that is princess? I like you, a lot. I flirted with girls in front of you to make you jealous. You are beautiful y/n, and you’re my best friend in the entire world. You know me better than anyone else, just like I know you.” he said, his eyes swimming with sorrow.

“Is this a joke JJ?” I growled. That was the wrong thing to say because his face changed in a split second, his whole demeanor becoming angry.

“Why the fuck would you say that?!” he shouted, stepping closer to get right in my face.

“Because JJ! Guys that look like you don’t like girls that look like me. My mom’s very persistent on it that I will never receive love with the way I look JJ. That’s what I was upset about earlier and didn’t want to tell you. You don’t have to say that just because you feel sorry for me.” I yelled back, crossing my arms in front of my chest. 

“Well that’s really fucked up your mom says shit like that because I think you’re amazing. I like you for you! You have a killer bod princess, I like everything about you. Especially your ass, damn I have dreams about your ass all the time.” he sighed, holding a hand over his heart. 

“Shut up,” I growled, playfully shoving him. He smiled, catching my wrists to pull me closer to him. 

“Do you like me?” he asked, smirking.

“I mean, you are my best friend. So I obviously like you.” I smiled, purposefully teasing him.

“You know that’s not the like I was talking about.” he mumbled, rolling his eyes at me. 

“What like are you talking about then JJ because there’s only one I know of.” I giggled.

“This one,” he whispered, leaning in and kissing me.

I gasped, not expecting him to do that. I shut my eyes tight, gripping his shoulders. His hands went around my waist, resting about my love handles. I felt a little uncomfortable with it, but once he started rubbing his fingers I forgot all about it. He licked my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth slightly to allow him in. He moved his hands to my face, pulling me closer to him. I had never felt so overwhelmed with pure joy until this moment. The boy that I have liked for so long, admitting his feelings for me, and finishing it off with a kiss. I pulled away, gazing into his blue eyes.

“Are you real? Is this a dream?” I asked softly.

“I’m real baby,” he chuckled, kissing my lips one more time before tugging my hand to go inside. I was still dazed so I just let him pull me along. 

“What took you guys so long?” John B. asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“We were making out,” JJ shrugged, the Pogues staring at us in confusion.

“JJ!” I yelled, slapping his arm.

“What?! We were.” he said, rubbing his arm where I hit him. 

“I knew it!” John B, yelled, pointing at Pope.

“You guys owe me twenty bucks,” Kie smirked.

====================================

I had never seen The Conjuring movies before, but I was a big fan of scary movies. We had all the food passed around, each of us with a beer in hand. JJ was cuddled up to me, his tough guy act gone as soon as the opening credits rolled. I giggled when he would scream at some of the jump scares, his face hiding in my chest. I rubbed his back with one hand while the other sifted through his wavy blonde locks.

“What happened to my knight and shining armor?” I asked jokingly. 

“This is based on a true story! This is real shit that happened it’s scary!” he yelled, clutching on to me tighter. 

“Pussy,” Pope mumbled, John B. laughing beside him. 

“It’s ok J, I’ll protect you.” I smiled when he raised his head up.

“Thank you baby, you’re the best.” he grinned, giving me a soft kiss before turning his attention back to the screen. 

I had to admit, there were some pretty jumpy scenes. When the hands clapped behind the mom’s head, JJ and I both jumped into each other’s arms. I squealed while JJ let out a shout then yelling at the TV. 

===============================

Once the movie ended, everyone headed for their sleeping bases for the night. Kie pulled the couch out, leaving room for me since we always share it. Pope took the recliner, already snoozing before the movie had ended, and John B. yelled his good night from his room. Just as I was about to lay down next to Kie, JJ stopped me. He pulled me into his room, closing the door behind us. 

“I want you to stay with me, I’m scared.” he frowned.

“Ok JJ,” I giggled.

“Will you cuddle me?” he asked, shifting some of the pillows so both of us had some.

“You are such a baby.” I chuckled, laying down beside him. He laid his head on my chest, my fingers ran down his back gently.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked quietly, his arms squeezing me.

“Yes JJ,” I smiled, tipping my head to kiss his. 

==================================

[devil-in-those-eyes]

One Day Part 2- Rudy Pankow

GUYS, I am SO sorry. I didn't think it would take me this long to get to part two, and I would have finished it yesterday, had I not lost my documents to do with this story, so I actually lost a few people that wanted to be tagged, so if you find it and you’re not there, please message me and I will get you added. This part isn't what I originally wanted, I wanted more added but I didn't want to overload you guys, so it’ll be continued in the next part. 

I hope you guys love this part.

Taglist: @thebendslikebendover @awkwardnesshabitat @dpaccione @danicarosaline @infinityspacesuniverse @pogues-never-say-die @poguescollins  @collectiveuniverses @jjmaybankx @diorsfxck @1d5sosddl @k-k0129 @popcrone818 

~

           “You literally promised.”

           “Something came up,” you tried again, looking up from your plate of food and at Henning, who had stolen a chair from a table that an older couple was sitting at and made room for himself as you sat at a little café with Kennedy, Zoe and Jamie for breakfast.

           “Something came up?” Henning echoed, leaning his elbow on the arm rest and leaned closer to you. “You promised me and Jamie you’d come.”

           You did promise him and you couldn’t deny it, but you also couldn’t tell him the real reason why you were suddenly going back on your word. The Pankow’s were having their yearly family cookout and they always extended the offer to you, despite the break up because they adored you. This year, when Jamie and Henning begged you to come, you agreed. Except, when you agreed Rudy wasn’t home. And you two didn’t have an argument on the back porch of Jamie’s cabin.

           There was no way in hell you could go, but again you couldn’t tell Henning that his older brother was the reason why. To Henning, Rudy was absolutely everything. Rudy and Alec were idolized in his eyes, they were the reason the sun shined and the moon and stars came out at night. To you, Henning was still the little kid that ran around pulling your hair and annoying, granted he still actually did it, he didn’t fully understand what happened or why and you didn’t expect him too. You kept him in the dark because it didn’t concern him and you didn’t want to make him feel like he had to pick sides when you were still showing up to his soccer matches and joining Jamie and Penny and Andrew to his high school graduation. He was too young when you and Rudy broke each others hearts and he never experienced love like what was between you and Rudy, he just wouldn’t get it.

           “I just can’t,” you said, lifting your coffee and taking a sip.

           “Y/N, we live in freaking Alaska,” he said in a bored groan, “you work for your mom and dad, what could possibly have come up since two nights ago?”

           “Henning, I just can’t,” you said, your voice a little loud. You closed your eyes briefly before turning your eyes onto Henning and you instantly saw Rudy in him. They couldn’t be more opposite, but he did the same thing Rudy used to do when you guys fought.

           His jaw clenched, as if pushing his tongue against his teeth, before slowly dragging his eyes up to look at you, filled with disappointment. He was looking at you the same way that Rudy looked at you at the party. “Fine, Y/N.”

           You sighed as he pushed the chair back, “Henning, wait.”

           But he was gone, walking away in easy and long strides, heading towards his car. Your chest caved in on itself because you hated disappointing Henning.

           “Y’know that Penny and Andrew are doing it for Rudy, right?” Jamie said softly, to your right. You looked at him to see him lifting his mug, “Penny would be upset if you bailed, especially since she asked if you’d come.”

           If Jamie wanted to jab a little harder and add a little guilt trip into it, then adding about Penny was the freaking way to do it. You all but groaned at his words as the guilt suddenly washed over you.

           You were totally aware that Penny would be upset if you bailed. You were also aware that it was for Rudy, you just didn’t know it when Jamie and Henning asked you to be there.. You didn’t know that Penny and Andrew were planning it in celebration for their son in the beginning, but now you could see it clearly. You also knew Penny would be upset if you didn’t show your face. Penny was like the mother of all mothers, in everyone’s eyes she was perfect. She was the one anyone could tell anything too, she was your mom when yours wasn’t picking up the phone. She had all but adopted Jamie when he and Rudy met in elementary school. She opened her arms wide when Rudy came home and announced you were his girlfriend and she kept those arms open when you broke up.

           Penny and Andrew never made you feel awkward, or as if their son was better off without you. She was always warm and had a colorful aura about her, it was like she ignored the heart break you felt because all she wanted to do was act like the break up never happened. Sometimes you wondered if she was still silently rooting for you and Rudy and it made it harder, because you had to stop wishing for it.

           “Jamie,” you started but then stopped yourself, looking down at your food. In all actuality, you didn’t know if you could see Rudy after two nights ago. It brought back too many feelings, too many memories and for some reason, you just couldn’t shake him, even years later.

           Why would you subject yourself to it? Subject yourself to his judgmental eyes as he questioned your taste in men? He couldn’t judge, or speak on who you decided to date because it wasn’t his concern, he made it perfectly clear the type of friendship he wanted to keep with you. And that was the type of friendship that never spoke.

           “You don’t even have to speak to Rudy,” Kennedy tried, trying to smile but failed miserably.

           “What the hell, yes she does. It’s his party, dumbass.” Zoe argued before looking at me, “Listen, pull on those big girl panties and just go, for Penny.”

           Zoe’s jab about quit being a pussy was softened by bringing up Penny, almost made you smile. Nothing bad could come out of going, right? Alec was finally home and you hadn’t seen him in years, it would make your week to see Penny and Andrew. And who knows, maybe Rudy will be so busy with talking with family and entertaining Chase that he wouldn’t even notice you there.

           All you had to do was go, show your face to his parents, shove it in Henning’s face and stay for an hour. Tops. Then you can retreat back to your safe haven of a home and pretend like you were well on your way with moving on from Rudy.

           Lying to yourself will get you no where.

           You ignored the little voice in your head and said softly, “Fine.”

           Jamie and Zoe looked all too smug that they had guilted you into it. Kennedy just sat there, raising her glass of water to her mouth, using her swallow of water to hide her smile. She might not have done as much as the other too, but she sure as shit was happy you’d be there.

           While they went on with their conversation, talking about what they wanted to do this summer as a group, besides work and prepare for an upcoming final year of school. While this happened, you sat there silently and couldn’t help but start to feel like the world was sinking around on you.

           What good would this bring you? Zoe and Kennedy understood where you stood with your feelings on Rudy, but for some freaking reason they were pushing and you didn’t understand what they were pushing for. Were they that blind, did they honestly believe Rudy would somehow stay longer than a week? Or two weeks? No, he wouldn’t. His life was now in California and yours was here, thousands of miles away. You were living separate lives and it was too different to pull off long distance… right?

           Typically, summer days went quickly for you. It had a lot to do with the fact that you were either working or with your group of friends finding things to do, but today just seemed to drag on. You were stuck inside your head and couldn’t get out, wondering how tonight would go with Rudy somewhere nearby, your stomach was constantly swirling with nervous butterflies, heart thumping heavily as you slowly pulled up to the Pankow residence. Hands trembled and knees shook as you parked your car among the others that littered the street.

           Just breathe.

           It wasn’t like Rudy would be upset that you were going to show your face. It wasn’t like you and Rudy left Jamie’s porch angry at one another, in fact you heard the pain inside his voice and saw the sadness drowning his blue ocean eyes. You saw the way his eyes avoided you, could barely look at you as Tucker wrapped his arms around your shoulders, as if he could barely stomach the idea of you being with someone that wasn’t him.

           Rudy being home threw you off so deeply that you hadn’t really talked with Tucker the last few days. You’ve been so stuck in the memories and living in the world of what if that Tucker hadn’t been on your mind, but he didn’t seem to mind. You and Tucker weren’t officially together, he wasn’t your boyfriend, you two were just dating and having fun. Or attempting to have fun.

           Just breathe.

           The backyard of the Pankow residence was swimming with people. Lots of them you recognized from his family, his uncles and aunts and cousins and family friends, teachers that Rudy had bonded deeply with. But no where did you find the familiarity of Zoe’s deep green eyes, or Kennedy’s blonde hair, of Jamie’s laugh that seemed to calm you as you stood, sticking out like a sore thumb.

           You wiped your sweaty palms over the thighs of your ripped jeans, tugging your light sweater closer to your chest, looking around for them.

           A blur of short, light colored hair and blue dress moved around you but then whirled around after seemingly catching sight of you.

           “Well, well, look who decided to grace me with her presence.” Penny teased, coming to a stop in front of you while carrying a big bowl of salad.

           Your cheeks flamed as she grinned at you. “Hi, Penny.”

           “Aren’t you a sight,” she said, taking you in. “You aren’t the skinny little seventeen year old anymore, are ya?”

           “Oh, god, please stop.” You groaned, your hand covering your cheek, attempting to stop the blush. You hated when she did this, giving compliment after compliment when she saw you. You didn’t think you changed too much since seventeen, but apparently you did. You gained a few pounds, thank you college, hair longer and better choices in clothing.

           Penny laughed and stepped towards you, “Bring it in, hon.”

           Penny balanced the bowl on her hip and opened an arm wide, you couldn’t help yourself in feeling giddy. You always loved Penny. You had a great relationship with your parents, but Penny was Penny, and the idea of seeing her smiling at you was part of the reason why you got out of your car.

She rubbed your back and pulled away, “You’re not leaving this house until we catch up, so have some wine and food and I’ll find you.”

           “Deal,” you promised her and watched as she walked away.

           For the first time all day, your lungs opened up and a steady breath filled your body. It released in a heavy puff, but you finally felt somewhat comfortable being here. Now, all you had to do was find your friends.

           “They’re in the kitchen.”

           You nearly fell over by the sudden voice that appeared behind you, startling you and making you whirl around to find Rudy standing there, with his hands in the front pockets of his light jeans. Your heart screamed at you as one hand reached up and slid through his hair and rested on the back of his neck, “Kennedy and Zoe dragged Jamie inside to make margaritas… that’s who you’re looking for, right?”

           He looked so handsome in his jeans and white button up shirt, that was tucked into the waist of his jeans. You felt your heart thump to a soft murmur of his name. Rudy.

           “Why am I not surprised?” you said, finally finding your voice.

           “Yeah, apparently Zo and Kenn don’t like beer?” He asked, “and my aunt brought long island mix and that’s out of the question?”

           As Rudy spoke, your face twisted into a grimace and your stomach twisted. Rudy smiled immediately at your face and you said, “We learned real quick at college that long islands are not our thing.”

           “Yeah, Zo said something about snow angels in the dead ass of winter?” Rudy said, seeming to get rid of nervous tension in his shoulders and relaxing as he looked down at you, still grinning.

           “Listen, the bartender was really nice but we didn’t know that those contain every liquor on shelf.” You defended, remembering the first winter break you guys had come home from college and ended up at a bar outside of town where the bartender didn’t card. “It didn’t hit us until Jamie and Collin tried getting us home.”

           Rudy chuckled lowly, “god, what a sight that probably was.”

           “I don’t actually remember doing the snow angels, but I woke up shivering and throwing up, massive hangover.”

           This time, Rudy’s laugh was loud and you suddenly felt a swell inside your chest that resembled proud. Proud that you made him laugh like you used too, the type of laugh that had his head tilting back and his eyes closing briefly. He looked back down at you and shook his head, “Baby-” Rudy caught himself, quickly recovering, “Y/N, come on. You shouldn’t have trusted the bartender.”

           You almost didn’t catch it, but you were paying such close attention to him that it was clear as day. The last few minutes felt too closely to old times that it showed you he still hadn’t broken the habit of calling you baby, you almost begged him to say it again, just to hear it roll off of his tongue.

           The idea of hearing it again had you blushing and looking down. You cleared your throat before lifting your head and motioning to Rudy’s porch, “In the kitchen?”

           Silently, still watching you, he nodded. You moved around him and started making your way inside. Rudy followed you, and suddenly you went from being calm to your palms sweating, all because he called you baby.

           Your friends were where he said, standing in a corner of the kitchen next to the blender. Jamie stood with Rudy’s friend, Chase, with beers in their hands while the two girls looked excited for the mixed drinks, a bottle of Patron sat next to the blender.

           Kennedy was the first to see you and a broad grin broke out on her face, “Best friend!”

           You laughed as Zoe’s head whipped around, her arms widening at the sight of you. “Bestie!”

           “Friends!” You exclaimed excitedly and left Rudy, bouncing towards your friends and giving Zoe a tight hug, despite just seeing them this morning.

           “Good lord, we just saw her,” Jamie said as you let go of Zoe and faced Jamie. You felt less nervous as you were surrounded by your three friends, despite Rudy took the spot between you and Chase. You reached and grasped either side of Jamie’s face and planting a sweet kiss on his cheek. “Yeah, yeah, get off.”

           Despite telling you to get off, Jamie’s arm wrapped around your waist. You laughed and smiled at him, “Good to see you, Jamie.” You said as his arm finally unraveled and rolled his eyes. You finally took your spot between Rudy and Zoe again, your arm accidently brushing against Rudy’s warm skin and almost halting you, but then you felt the light glide of his fingers through the sweater and shirt, against your lower back.

           “You must be Y/N,” Chase said, turning his eyes onto you.

           “Hi,” You said, giving him a smile, which only made his warm one grow. “Chase, right?”

           He nodded, “Nice to finally meet you. Rudy’s told me a lot about you.”

           You almost groaned with a slight grimace, “good things?”

           Chase grinned, “great things.”

           You slowly lifted your eyes to look at Rudy, and could have sworn that his cheeks had gone pink but he covered it up by lifting his beer and taking a sip. He didn’t meet your eyes and you felt a small twinge of disappointment, so while your friends went on to make plans for hiking tomorrow, you faced them and tried to engage in the conversation about wanting to show Chase around.

           Rudy slowly leaned in, his heat filling up your side as his mouth dropped to your ear. “How could I not talk about you?” He whispered, making your heart stop inside your chest. When he pulled back a few inches you tilted your head to look at him, no smile or humor filled his face. His bright eyes were just watching you, taking in your eyes and blushing cheeks, pausing to look at your parted lips while the tip of his tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip.

           “I always talk about you,” he whispered again, finally drawing his eyes up to yours.

           It was like you could hear his heart pound with two words. One Day.

[zankivich]

Corona Diares pt 3: An Arrangement Sequel

Prompt: Maybe for the Corona diaries we could discuss Shawn and Y/n having the baby talk and how they both have different views on it, like Y/n last concern is having baby with the epidemic happening but Shawn just can’t help be day dream about it so they’re just both conflicted.

WARNINGS: Smut, lots of smut, talks of abortions

*y/n’s point’ of view*

Look, you sympathized with the parents and the zoom meetings and trying to remember fourth grade math. Truly! Familyhood in the middle of a pandemic was rough. At least it seemed rough on instagram. However, y/n and Shawn had their own trials and tribulations okay? Like really important, complex shit. Honestly.

“Babe I can’t get good leverage, the countertop’s too high.” He groaned against your shoulder.

You whined softly licking a--truly perfectly made--chocolate meringue off his shoulder.

“Mmm. Leverage feels just fine to me papi.”

His hips stuttered against yours and your legs tightened wonderfully.

“God I love it when you call me that.”

“Yea and I like eating my desserts off your body. So maybe keep some motion in that ocean and take me across the finish line.” You giggled.

“I love you so fucking much. C’mere.”

Quarintine sex is a lot of hard work y’all. It’s also a world of possibilities. Fun...inventive...delightful possibilities. You loved being a married woman in her thirties. No kids. No major responsibilities besides the health and wellbeing of each other. And beyond the world falling apart and the crippling weight of depression, ya girl had to get serotonin in whatever way possible. Enter Shawn’s dick.

Sex in the bedroom was no longer as enticing as sex...everywhere else. The beauty of being grown ass adults with no children, in a big ole house all by yourselves was there you could be creative. And Shawn and you loved to get creative.

“What if you rode me in the home theater babe? I’ve always secretely wanted to have sex at the movies.”

You had just finished getting handsy in the shower and you were trying to dry his slobber off your neck while this man was already trying to get you in another compromising position. Men.

You rolled your eyes at him. “If you think I’m doing all that thigh work just so you can watch Harry Potter, you’ve got another thing coming, sir.”

“Ew! I would never watch a movie with children in it while we’re having sex. What the hell do I look like?”

“The nerd that you are.” You snorted.

“Funny. Very funny.”

Shawn ran a towel through his curls leaving you to stand in front of the mirror watching him instead. It’d been weeks since his last hair cut and his curls were getting long. He usually kept it short for you, because he knew you preferred in that way. But in hindsight there was something quite enticing about the way those curls looked flopped against his head. He looked so damn soft.

He looked up at you and smiled gently before turning to wrap his arms around your waist. His lips trailed your skin still fresh from the shower. You could smell the mint body wash you used, and the warmth of his shampoo. His lips were warm against your cool skin. You melted against him with ease, didn’t even question it. He’d always been your weakness.

“I just thought it could be fun. Different.” He hummed against your shoulder. “Truth is, making love to you is always going to be amazing. So, we can do it wherever you’re comfortable.”

“You mean that?” You mumbled fingers dancing into his curls.

“Of course.”

“The first part though? Even when I’m old and my ass is saggy and so are my arms and my boobs and everything else?”

He rolled his eyes. “As if you even have to ask me that. I’m in love with your soul baby. Everything else will only get better with time.”

Those cheesy lines of his were so ridiculous. And yet here you were being swept up by them constantly. Ew.

“Yea, okay big guy...So, the home theater huh?”

His eyes widened and he nodded quickly like a dog wagging his tail, curls flopping against you.

“And you can pick next. Anywhere you wanna go, anything you wanna do. I only aim to please. And we both know I do.”

“You are so cocky and so obnoxious, it’s astounding.”

He grinned down at you without care.

“Exactly. It’s basically why you married me, my sweet.”

Well. he had you there.

***

“Fuuuuuuck.” He whined.

You giggled leaning back into your glutes to push further down his length. His hands were all over you. Desperate and needy. Who would have thought shawn would be right? You were liking this theatre more by the minute.

“Feel good?” You hummed leaning back onto his knees.

“You know it does. T--Take this off. Need to see you.”

His fingers reached for the straps of your bra, hips still rutting beneath you. You smiled down at him reaching behind your back to undo the snaps. The second he touches you, the second his palms are on your body? Caressing. Touching. Gripping. It’s phenomenal. Leaves you gasping for breath so hard you think you might pass out. The fucking home theatre.

“‘M gonna cum.” you whimpered clawing at his shoulder.

“Yea? Cum for me then. Be a good girl and fucking cum.”

He bucked his hips again sending you sprawled out over his shoulder. And then it was a tight grip on your waist drilling into you for all that you were worth it. It didn’t matter how much you screamed, how much you sobbed, even if you begged him to stop. Shawn was after complete and total destruction. And he always got what he wanted.

“Fuck you are so beautiful when you cum.” He sighed hunting down your lips with his own. “I love you.”

“Mmm I love you. Hold me.” You demanded, legs still very much quivering.

“I can do that.”

And so you sit for a while, all the fire and brimstone of dominance gone, and replaced with comfort. You loved the way he held you. The way his fingers drew lines on your back, and his neck still gave way to the feel of his heart beat. Being intimate with Shawn was one of your favorite pastimes, and you swore it wasn’t just the sex. It was so much about him and who he was and how he made you feel. You were his because of it.

“I know what I want mine to be.”

“Hmm?”

You licked your dry lips and leaned up still feeling the stretch in your thighs. The way his fingers gripped your ass was a dream.

“I want it on the roof in the sunlight. On the day beds. Just like Rome.”

He chuckled and moved his hands along your back again.

“Rome, aye? Shit. I haven’t thought about Rome in years. You used to scare the shit out of me, you know that?”

You snorted. “I should still scare the shit out of you if you know better.”

“Oh you do, just for different reasons. I was so scared of saying the wrong thing. So scared of losing you before I even got you. I--I wanted it all to be perfect. I was so in love with you already and I didn’t even know it.” He chuckled. “Hey we’ve had a pretty good go at it so far, haven’t we?”

“I’d say so. I’ve never been happier in my life, so I think we’re good right here ya know?” You said, and reached for his curls to tug them back against his head. “I’ve been in love with you so long I can’t remember feeling anything else.”

He smiled so big it made your heart sore. So you kissed him and squeezed your fingers into the firm muscle of his shoulders. And he held you against his chest in the middle of the home theatre with nothing but the sounds of your breathing against one another. Life is perfect in that one little moment where the outside world couldn’t find you, couldn’t take what the two of you had if it fucking tried.

***

“You’d make such a beautiful mother one day.” He hummed and rolled one of your curls around his fingers.

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm. I’m gonna be honest I always thought the pregnant fetish thing was weird, but perhaps I could be persuaded.”

“Ew! Shawn, you’re such a creep!” You grunted shoving at his arms

“I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” He whined. “I swear. I just...you’d be beautiful, ya know? I can’t think of another joy stronger in this world than to make a baby with you.”

You bit your lip at that, eyes flickering to and away from his face.

“Shawn...we talked about this.”

“Yea, when we first got married. And if I remember correctly that ‘talk’ was you saying you weren’t ready to talk about it.”

“Yea, well I’m still not ready.” You huffed. “The fucking world is ending and you wanna try and bring another person into the middle of a shitstorm?”

“Hey, look at me? I’m not pressuring you. I’m not telling you I wanna have a baby today. I’m simply saying that I’ve been thinking about it, and I’d like us to discuss it. I--I want a family with you, y/n. When we got married, we both said kids weren’t off the table. I just wanna talk about it.”

“Okay just...not right now okay? Can’t we just enjoy the day together?”

“Of course.”

He kissed your head and settled firmly against you on the day beds. It was nice, but you knew the conversation was far from over.

***

Shawn and you liked to take the day to yourselves. It was a good way to manage time and not get sick of each other so much. Shawn would spend the day in his studio, or going for a run while you tried to master the art of breadmaking, or worked on securing more donations for front line workers and impacted community members. Then for dinner you’d meet again, almost like a date. It kind of felt exciting. Sometimes you dressed up and ordered something special. If not he’d cook something or you would. Dinner was still a special time for the two of you, a time to reconnect and come together.

Dinner tonight is this amazing italian place who did bolognese better than you had the time or precision to pull off. Shawn grabs a bottle of wine from the cellar. There’s garlic bread. It’s a wonderful fucking time. Until it isn’t.

“Hey, I was thinking after dinner we could go sit in the backyard? I’ll build us a fire. We can get drunk and maybe break into that stash of ours.”

You placed the salad on the dinner table while Shawn moved the food to plates.

“Hmmm. Sure, that sounds fun to me. I haven’t been high in days. This pandemic keeps going, I’ll end up on some Seth Rogen shit.”

“Good...and uh maybe before we get too fucked up we could . . . return to that conversation from earlier this week?”

You paused at the kitchen table, tension appearing thick and heavy in your shoulders. It was too soon. You weren’t ready yet. And the thought of his fucking doe eyes  by campfire light was making you more anxious than ever.

“Conversation meaning?”

You went to grab napkins only for him to stop you at the kitchen counter. His eyebrows were raised in irritation but his hands couldn’t be softer on your hips. That was your guy, always giving everything to you even when you couldn’t be more stubborn.

“You know what I mean, sweetheart. Please? Just talk to me?”

And you were his girl because despite every nerve ending in your being that yearned to be in control, to have all the answers a hundred percent of the time, you could still always fall right into him. Give and take had never looked so good.

“Okay. After dinner. But I want to open the bottle of whiskey from the Obamas. Michelle would want that for me.”

He rolled his eyes playfully and kissed your forehead.

“Of course she would. Let’s eat.”

The backyard is a near endless field. Shawn had promised you apple trees and peach trees and mint and carrots and arugula. And you got it, though it would be a while before you would see the fruits of your labor, pun intended. There was room for growth is perhaps the point. So, when you sat there on a beautiful summer night, right around the campfire with two glasses of whiskey and a blunt, it felt far from suffocating. Shawn had a way of making you feel calm in the craziest of times. It’s what you loved most about him, what had drawn you to him all those years ago. He was always the light, the cool to balance out your heat. Tonight is no different.

“Y/n, I want a baby.”

Welp, so much for that.

“Well shit, no lube on the entrance huh? You’re just going straight for it.” You sighed between gulps of whiskey.

He only smiled the smile of a man who had grown used to your relentless beating around the bush. It was so annoying to be endlessly loved and intimately known by him. Ugh.

“It’s your body. And I respect that so much. That’s why I want us to talk about it. We always said after the label was stable, after the house was put together, after we lived for a little while. And I just keep watching all these milestones pass us by ya know? The awards and the honors and everything else I...I don’t want to spend my whole life accumulating stuff for no one to share it with.” He explained.

You peered down into your glass and reached to pour another shot.

“You’ve got me.”

“I do. And that’s the greatest privilege I’ve ever known, but I think you know that’s not quite what I meant, y/n.”

You rolled your eyes and slid down in your seat until your head peered up into the night and the blanket had fallen around your waist.

“Yea, I know. Look I just...I can’t help but feel like Mother Nature hereself is telling us all to calm the fuck down right now, and I don’t know that bringing a baby into the world doesn’t shit all over that.”

He nodded. “I know that things are kind of crazy right now. I guess that’s why I’ve been thinking about it. I--I want something good to come out of all this. We’re finally forced to slow the hell down, and I guess it just sort of feels like maybe Mother Nature wants us to be doing something with it.”

“And you think she wants you to cum inside of me, is that it?”

He’d been holding the blunt hostage for long enough, and so you reached for his fingers so he could hold the blunt to your lips. His expression was one of amusement.

“I already do that sweetheart. You’ve got a bit of a breeding kink.”

“Excuse me?!” You gasped sending a coughing fit through your system.

Shawn clapped you against your back to make sure you were okay and laughed like any of this was funny.

“Hey, I don’t judge. I told you I aim to please, only. Look this is beside the point. It’s not about the sex. If it was about the sex, we’d just keep having more sex. This is about a serious conversation about our life together. We’ve been married three years now, and I think we’re ready to move to the next step. In fact I don’t think there’s ever been a better time to plan out the next phase of things.”

Your eyes stayed on your drink. Stayed on the blanket or the fire. Anything to not have to look your husband in the eye.

“But I...I get pregnant and I lose everything that I am Shawn.”

He frowned at you, fingers reaching to caress your chin.

“How could you say that to me? You think I’m the kind of guy who wants you barefoot and pregnant? Sweetheart you run one of the largest labels in the industry. I--I would never take that away from you.”

“But the--the touring? The night long studio sessions? The negotiation meetings that last hours. How can I do any of that and be a mom? I--I’ll lose who I am, everything I worked so hard to become.” You sniffled. “I’m not ready to give it all up yet.”

“Honey you don’t have too! I’m not saying it’s gonna be peachy fucking keen for either of us. How am I supposed to tour, write records, fly across the world? It’s gonna be hard to figure it out, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, right? I--I mean...you want to start a family with me, right?”

His voice got so low and his eyes downcast. You knew him better than anyone, better than you sometimes knew yourself. There was a pain in his face. A betrayal you’d only seen once before when you thought leaving might make life easier for the two of you. Shockingly enough it still guts you all the same. And so the tears come strong and your fingers tremble on the glass because there’s no one, absolutely no one, you'd want to hurt less than him.

“It’s not what you’re thinking.” you whispered.

He reached for your face now and made work with his thumb to rid your face of tears.

“Yea? Tell me then. What is it that I’m thinking?”

You blinked up at him and swallowed. “Shawn I...It’s not that I don’t want kids. It’s just that something happened to me a long time ago and I guess--I guess I’m just not quite over it yet.”

He nodded. “Okay. And what’s that? You can tell me anything sweetheart, I just wanna understand.”

You broke gently from the hold of his hands and reached for the bottle of whiskey. Only this time it was his glass you refilled.

“You’re gonna want that.” You sighed. “Look the industry was much different when I was coming up than it is now. There were absolutely no safeguards to protect women like me. And I--I didn’t have a fancy degree. I wasn’t white. I wasn’t a man. I had to crawl my way up the ladder until my fucking fingers bled, alright?”

“Of course. I know how hard you worked.” He mumbled in agreement.

“Yea well, not quite. I was twenty years old. I left home to tour with Paramore. It was my first gig doing more than the merch table. I was assistant to the production manager. It was my shot. The tour was for over ninety dates. It would have cemented my place you know? The opportunities were endless if I did a good job. Plus during the day the band was bored so everyone would just hang out, play music. People started to notice that I knew what I was talking about.”

“I was a dumbass kid. I was just as driven as I am now but I didn’t really take things seriously. I drank. I partied. Did all sorts of dumb shit. And uh...I made a really fucking stupid mistake.” You sniffled.

You reached for your drink only to finish it and reach for Shawn’s. His hand stayed warm and soothing on your back as the tears worked their way down your face. He was calm and quiet and attentive. It only left more room for you to be honest and to also revel in your pain a little bit.

“It’s okay. I’m right here.” He whispered.

You shook your head and tried to control your emotions, but it just wasn’t in the cards.

“I slept with some guy. H--He worked in audio. It wasn’t serious, but I didn’t want anything serious. I wanted to be free, whatever the fuck that means. After a few months I notice my period’s late. We were between legs so I was at home.”

You had to pause to let the tears run down so that they didn’t choke you as much.

“Oh y/n. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

But you’ve dredged it up now. You’ve reached deep into the part of yourself that was made up of past selves and you shook her free. There was nothing left to do but see it all through.

“I got pregnant and I thought my life was over. You think a black woman in the music industry is a tough cut, a black pregnant woman is like a fucking unicorn. I--I had just made it. My boss was promising my pick of future tours. I was gonna learn from the greats. I was gonna...I was gonna be the business woman I always wanted to be.” You sobbed. “I couldn’t lose it Shawn. It was everything I ever wanted.”

“I understand.” He nodded, eyes wet and voice uneven. “I hear every word you’re saying. And I’m so sorry. I--I didn’t realize. Come here, please?”

He held you for a while. Your face in his neck and his fingers rubbing into the skin of your back. He was trying to root you, to bring you back down from the clouds where you sometimes couldn’t help but go. It was a place you hadn’t been in so long, but here you were facing a part of yourself you’d done everything to forget.

“Ti went with me to a clinic.” You whispered hoarsely in his ear. “She’s the only other person I’ve ever told. Not even the father. I’m sorry.”

His arms tightened around you. “Don’t you dare apologize for that. Never, do you hear me? I’m so sorry you went through that. And I’m sorry you were in a position that made you choose. I’m just sorry. I love you so much, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”

His shoulder is as great a place as any to wipe tears and to find solace at the same time. No one had ever held you like Shawn. There’s a warmth there that couldn’t be found in the fire or the weed or the whiskey. He was special. The love of your life for lack of a better word.

“I--I’m sorry. I should have told you when we got married.”

“No. I’m only happy you felt comfortable enough to tell me now. That’s all that matters to me. Look let’s not talk about this anymore tonight. We can come back to it. Let’s get you to be instead huh?”

You nodded softly. “Yea. Please.”

“Course. Let me put the fire out. Just sit here, finish your drink. I’ll take care of everything.”

The last thing you remember was him pulling you into his arms The smell of his leftover aftershave against your nostrils. The feel of his grip on your arms as he held you through the night. Even in tragedy the only thing that registered was him.

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

She’s peaceful when she sleeps. It’s perhaps the only time that there aren’t a million expressions and thoughts on her face. So with the sun streaming in, bright yellow shimmers of gold across melanin cheekbones, he just watches her as long as he can. Because it’s truly a moment of comfort for him, when all he has to focus on is how beautiful she is. They’re the moments he lives for, waking up before her.

When she wakes up and stretches like a cat he chuckles a little bit. That’s his baby without a doubt. And he loved no one the way that he loved her. Not even himself.

“Good morning.” He smiled softly reaching for her cheek. “Missed you.”

She snorted. “While I was sleeping?”

“Yep. It’s been what...like seven whole hours since I saw you? It’s been awful, babe.”

“I can see that . . . Look I just wanted to apologize for last night. I feel like I really fucked things up.”

He shook his head. “Hey, no, no you didn’t alright? Look, there is nothing that means more in the world than us being honest with each other. I am so happy you told me, and I’m just sorry that this brings those kinds of memories up for you. It’s the last thing I want okay? Promise me you believe that.”

“I do, I do.” She whispered. “Look, I would love to have kids. I would love to have someone to leave everything we’ve been working towards for the past five years. But, I’mafraid. I’m afraid of the anxiety and the fear of the world right now, and I’m afraid that maybe I’d be a really shit mom. I don’t know, it’s just a lot.”

“Yea...You’re right. It’s scary. I can’t deny that. Look I don’t want to try and convince you that your fears are silly, because I have the same fears. I just want us to keep talking. I just want us to be honest with each other. And yea, eventually I’d like us to get to the spot where we felt comfortable giving the baby thing a shot.” He explained. “It doesn’t have to be today. Just never stop talking to me okay?”

“You sure? We both know my ass can talk.”

“Sweetheart, I’m counting on it.”

***

Permanent taglist

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Arrangement Taglist:

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[finderskeepersff]

47. Part 2

I am so shocked, I expected Amira to be here not Cassius. What is he even doing here, I am shocked. Cassius walked around the stroller “good seeing you” he hugged me “same” I said in shock, hugging him back “you are not Amira, I know that for sure” Cassius chuckled, moving back from the hug and he kissed my cheek “he is awake, what’s good champ? I missed your face, you look so grown to me. Stop growing” Cassius said looking into the stroller “oh he about to cry” he moved back “come sit, it’s ok homie I got this” Cassius said, I just smiled at the waiter “I will be back” the waiter walked off “I am shocked you know, I am still taken a back by you being here, why? Why didn’t you say” navigating the stroller around the dining tables “I wanted to surprise you, I mean you know. Get some lunch with you, you know how it is. I want us to be good” placing the stroller in the corner “we are good Cassius” Cartier is so moody for no reason “mommy is going to feed you, grumpy” unbuckling him “can I hold him?” Cassius said at the side of me “you can take him” picking Cartier’ pacifier from the side of him and placing it in his mouth, I don’t want him to cry. He is being emotional, it is because of feeding “I did miss him, I missed you too actually but I missed you both so much. I went Brooklyn too” stepping to the side so Cassius can pick him out of the stroller “you did? You never actually said though did you? We spoke” unzipping the baby bag “I know, you said be safe when I was not exactly being safe, I kept it hidden. Didn’t want to ruin your mood” I shouldn’t be shocked but I am, I don’t like he was there. Brooklyn is bad vibes, he constantly gets arrested there.

Cassius feeding Cartier his bottle is cute, first time Cartier hasn’t fought him on it. He is so relaxed in his arms “he is being good today, he is being a big baby and no cry baby. I can’t have him embarrassing me out here” I chuckled “he knows his dad, I think he likes to show off and show you who is boss, you know he is boss out here now” I feel bad, I think Cartier was way too hungry with the way he is drinking “so is he good? You saw the midwife?” nodding my head “oh he is fine, he has gained weight. He is going on ten pounds, he is getting a little fatty now. She said there is no worry at all, Cassius just take the bottle out of his mouth. Let him have a break, he is being wild drinking like that” Cassius looked at me stupid “you have done it before, he is fine” Cassius slowly pulled the bottle back, Cartier was still suckling on thin air “so I just burp him? How you showed me?” nodding my head “he will be fine, he is being greedy” I actually love Cassius with Cartier, he is a good dad, well a learning dad. Cassius lifted Cartier forward “let him rest his head on your hand just under his chin” I don’t want Cartier to get gas, he doing too much.

Poking my lips out at Cartier sitting up in Cassius lap, he is happy “you a happy baby now, you want to smile” he is greedy, Cassius held both of his hands in his “I am not even going to lie but this is the cutest thing on earth” Cassius smiled “you think? Is it because of me? It’s me, I am the cute one” rolling my eyes “sure, if you want to think that then so be it, it’s my little man that is the cute one” the waiter bought the food over “smokey beef brisket for you and chicken salad for the lady” the waiter placed my plate down “thank you, shall I take him from you?” I pointed out, Cassius shook his head “he good, he is resting in my lap” Cartier just stared at the plate “I will rest him against my one arm and I can eat with the other, he ain’t no trouble” reaching down in my bag “if you say, he is quiet so that is a thing. So tell me, why didn’t you just say Sofia, I want lunch? You ain’t shy now” Cassius grinned, unlocking my phone “a little, I mean with you I am possibly that way” Mia says I don’t use this IG thing anymore so I will now, holding my phone up pressing record and bringing the camera up towards Cassius and Cartier “hey” Cassius smiled saying, stopping the recording “you airing me out to be soft?” I shrugged tapping in a caption ‘Lunch with the boys, daddys treat’ pressing send “so tell me more on how you get shy with me” I said smiling “go away, you’re just laughing at me” he is cute.

Cartier fell asleep in his dad’ arms, like my heart. To know my son is getting that, it’s all that matters to me. I have wanted this for my child, I never got it so I am making sure my son does “if I did ask you for lunch would you come though? Just asking for future reference?” sitting back in my seat “I would have, what made you even think I would say no? I am not a bitch, it’s lunch right?” Cassius nodded his head “it is” he dragged out “so why was you in Brooklyn? You know that place doesn’t like you, there is no reason for you to even be there” I am telling him off like I am his mother “my business is there, you and I both know that. I went there because I needed to show my face, I needed to show people the person they saw before ain’t that. I am good, I just dealt with some business. You didn’t even know I was gone, you didn’t even know I had people outside the home for you, it’s fine” shaking my head “what exactly did you do in Brooklyn?” I would like to know “I found Lloyd, he is in hiding. He snitched on one of my peers, couldn’t get to me so he went to the next. See Sofia, shit comes full circle, his cards are marked. I have been watching his every move, I know where the fuck he is, what he is doing. Always known, he is a dead man” I don’t like this business at all “it’s me or them Sofia, I know you got this disapproving look on your face” I sighed out “I know” I said in a whisper.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I wish I put some type of make-up on, I have the bare minimum. I sighed out, I don’t look that bad I guess with Jordan sniffing around me like a bad smell. Let me go back out there, Cassius knows I am not happy about the business he does. I mean I should get over it but it’s that worry, it’s scary. Pulling my top down as I walked towards the table, seeing Cassius holding Cartier up so they was face to face, that boy is awake again. I smiled about to say something “ your momma hard headed as shit, you think she want me? I ain’t too sure but then I am like she kissed me, I know you ain’t want to hear that but still, you know. She gave other things, but like I am confused. The best thing to do, love me more. You cry with me she won’t want to know, help a nigga out here son” he chuckled “you think she want me? I think she do, I mean you ain’t giving me the vibes little man, maybe she do. Ok. I will drop it. You playing” I listened with my mouth hung open, I mean I wasn’t supposed to hear that. Even if Cartier cried with him I would see him, let me just pretend I came back.

I walked to my seat “oh he is awake” I smiled “yeah, he playing. He is awake for me” they are cute together “you think Brooklyn will be safe for us? To go there?” I am being deadass “yes it will be fine Sofia, nothing will happen to you” I am doubting it now “I will stay with my friend” Cassius frowned at me “you stay at my parents” shaking my head “not with your dad around, no thank you. So I can be uncomfortable” I will pass on that “you not going there with Cartier, I am not playing. My workers are there, I have dealings there so no. You stay in a hotel in New York fair deal? You can meet up with your friends and brother or whatever. I will be around but I create drama walking, I get it” blowing out air “fine, a hotel then. I don’t want it to be a bad thing, I am going there for Leyton and also it gives you a chance to spend time with Cartier. I got you that gift” Cassius pressed his lips in a hard thin line, he is thinking “I rather you come, I mean I want you to come too. It’s a suite, we can you know. Be a family, you my baby mother. We mutual. Like you the one, I don’t know” he is a goofball “see how it goes” I grinned at him.

Pushing the stroller behind Cassius as we left South City Kitchen “thank you for paying by the way” it was nice of him “it’s cool, don’t worry about it” I see this confidence in Cassius holding Cartier and I like it, he is walking out with him in his arms. Seeing these two guys get up from the corner table, worry kicked in. Seeing them both walk towards Cassius, I stopped abruptly as Cassius walked out of the place, I was going to shout Cassius but I didn’t. The two guys stared at me, is this it “after you?” one of them said “come on Sofia” Cassius said to me, looking between them both and then Cassius “you know them?” I said, Cassius laughed “I do yes, this is my new people. They with me, they watch over me. Come, you look worried as shit” Cassius trying to kill me off here “well I see two big guys coming to you” I kissed my teeth, the fuck does he want me to think. Walking at the side of Cassius “you got scared didn’t you? You looked like someone killed me” Cassius laughed “you see I don’t find that funny because I did think that, you annoying as shit” now I am annoyed with him “bring the car around” Cassius said to one of them “keeping my baby mother pimped out, got to keep it one hundred. Do I owe you child support?” side eyeing him, he is annoying.

Cassius strapped in Cartier for me, he gives me heart pains and it’s not even funny “so same time tomorrow?” Cassius said as he closed the car door “I think the fuck not, you know where I am” crossing my arms across my chest “I am thinking of it now, you in bed naked so is that an invite” hitting his arm laughing “shut up stupid, you wish you see that shit again” I smirked “soon come, I think I should repay the handjob” shaking my head laughing “it’s ok, I didn’t ask for a payback, but thank you” I sighed out still smiling as we both stared at each other “so erm, you found a new love yet?”I asked, Cassius scoffed “yes actually, she is hard headed. Well I get it, but she is too good for me. I know that but she got my heart” I cooed out “I hope she deserves it, also don’t cheat on her. You might break her heart too” Cassius licked his top lip “no girl is worth that, you might see her sometime. Tell her that I miss her, tell her that my bed ain’t the same without her” biting on my bottom lip squinting my eyes at him “she said she loves you, and you know where I am. Also stop being scared” I paused “bye Cassius” walking to my car “be safe ok” opening the car door “I will” climbing into my car, he walked over to the car “to the moon and back” he placed his hand over his heart, staring ahead of me “and my everything” looking back at him, he moved a little “bub” he closed the car door for me.

[sapphicsugden]

many happy returns (aaron/robert)

i know robert’s birthday was months ago but it is my wife @inloveamateursatbest‘s birthday today so we’re all gonna pretend :)))

happy birthday my love, i hope you’ve had a good day and this makes you smile <3

Robert’s having a so-so birthday. 

He has to work, because apparently Nicola doesn’t count “wanting to spend the day with my sexy husband” as a reason not to turn up. Though, if Robert were married to Jimmy, he wouldn’t either. He pouts and whines and moans, but it’s not like he’d trust her or Jimmy with the meetings on the books, especially the Stevenson account - the guy is gross with women and Robert might be a dick sometimes, but he’s not that guy. 

Spending the day schmoozing clients when he could be still in bed with Aaron wrapped around him is bad enough, but it gets worse when he hits traffic on the M65 and ends up gridlocked. Wonderful.

Picking his phone up from the dash, Robert thumbs through to Aaron’s number. 

“You home yet?” 

“I wish,” Robert says, letting his frustration bleed through. There’s something about hearing Aaron’s voice that makes everything calmer. He wants to be home desperately, wants to be able to curl up with Aaron on their sofa, listen to Liv whining about her homework, and watching shit television until it’s time to go to bed. 

(He hopes, vaguely, there are presents in there somewhere, but they’re not a necessity to the happiness of his evening.)

“Where are ya?” Aaron says, sounding breathless. 

“What are you doing?” Robert asks instead, tapping his fingers idly on the steering wheel. The car in front creeps forward inches at most. 

Aaron doesn’t answer for a moment. “Working.”

Robert looks at the clock on his dash. 16:39. “Thought you’d be done by now.”

“You can come pick me up,” Aaron tells him, and Robert hears the crash of metal in the background. 

“Can’t,” he says, reluctantly. There’s a little movement and he knows he really shouldn’t, but he drives the car forward. “I’m stuck on the M65.”

“Shit,” Aaron curses. “How long?”

“Dunno. Haven’t checked, called you first.”

Aaron lets out a slow breath. “Get home soon, alright?”

“You want me to grab dinner?” Robert rolls his head against the back of the seat, desperately wishes he could shift the traffic on will alone. 

“No.” There’s the slam of the door and Robert hears Adam’s familair tone. “No, I’m going home.” Then, to Robert. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll sort it when you’re home.”

“Love you,” Robert says. 

“Love you too,” Aaron says, easy, and it’s a testament to how far they’ve come that he’s saying it in front of someone - when they’re not standing at an altar at the same time. 

Robert hangs up the phone, tossing it on the seat next to him. There’s an eighties song filtering out of the radio and he sighs, waits for the traffic to let up enough to actually get home and see his husband. 

When Robert finally pulls into the Mill driveway, he’s bone tired, wants to kill Nicola, and hungry. 

Unlocking the door with one hand, he tosses his bag by the hall cabinet. His shoes are left in a pile on the floor - he’ll face Aaron’s wrath later. “Aaron?”

The living room lights are on, and the dining room table is covered in food; Robert can smell his mother’s lasagna, garlic bread, and see the bowls of salad. Aaron’s leaning against one of the chairs, cheeks red, eyebrows raised. 

“Aaron,” Robert says again, this time as breathless as he feels. 

Aaron shrugs, like it’s no big deal, but Robert closes the distance between them, tugs Aaron into a hug. Burying his face in Aaron’s neck, Robert breathes deep, relishes the fact that he’s home and that Aaron did all this for him. 

“I love you,” he says. 

Aaron’s arms tighten around his shoulders, and he presses a kiss to Robert’s temple. “I love you too. Dinner?”

Robert’s stomach chooses that moment to rumble. “Sounds - and smalles - great.”

“I stole the recipe from Vic,” Aaron admits, as they tuck into the food. It’s not the same as his mum’s, Robert notes, but it’s close enough, better, because it’s Aaron and he actually cooked. 

“She gave it up willingly?”

“You’d be surprised what she’d do for you,” Aaron tells him. 

It throws Robert a little, but he recovers, stares down at his food.

“Hey,” Aaron says, reaching for Robert’s hand. Curling their fingers together, he squeezes gently. “Happy birthday.”

“Yeah,” Robert says. He frowns. “Liv not joining us?”

Aaron snorts, takes a bite of garlic bread. “She scarpered as soon as she saw what I was cooking. Didn’t wanna barf, apparently.”

“Good,” Robert says decisively, though a small part is sad he won’t see her. “Means I get you all to myself.”

“You always do.”

It knocks Robert again, and sometimes he still doesn’t believe he has this, Aaron, who’s so willing to say things like that. Robert’s heart skips. “Is there dessert?”

“You haven’t even finished yet.” Aaron looks pointedly down at Robert’s half-full plate. He has his tongue in his cheek, though, so Robert knows he gets Robert’s meaning. 

Robert shakes his head. “So if I finish it, you’ll give me dessert?”

Aaron pretends to think about it. “So you don’t want your present then?”

“Not if I have to sacrifice fucking you,” Robert says, honestly. 

It’s Aaron’s turn to flush, and his mouth quirks up. “I’ll take it back then.”

“Well,” Robert says with a shrug. “You could just give it to me then take me to bed.”

Aaron carries the gift down from upstairs, something covered in a blanket. 

Robert raises his eyebrow. “What’s in there?”

“The point of a gift,” Aaron says, resting the box on the table. “Is that it’s a surprise you discover for yourself.”

Robert gives him a withering look, but bites. Tugging off the blanket, he stares into the box and feels his chest tighten. “Aaron.”

Aaron’s searching his face, eyes dark. “It’s okay?”

Inside the box, giving Robert the most heartbreaking doe eyes he’s ever seen, is a persian cat, all fur and squished nose. There’s a scar running down its left eye, but as soon as it meows at him, Robert’s gone. 

“Where did you find it?”

“Him,” Aaron says, clearly relieved that he didn’t get it wrong. “I got him from the shelter. Vic helped pick him out. Said you always loved persian cats.”

Robert reaches into the box carefully, brushes a hand over the soft fur. The cat starts to purr, stretching up into Robert’s hand. He picks him up carefully, sets him on his lap. “Why’d you get me a cat?”

“You kept moaning we needed a pet.” Aaron says it nonchalantly, but Robert knows him better. He’d filed away Robert’s want for a cat the same way he does everything else, surprising Robert with how much he remembers, how much he cares. 

“But you don’t like them.”

“Not particularly,” Aaron says, though he does reach over and stroke the cat gently. “But now I have leverage to get a dog.”

“Not with a cat in the house!” Robert protests.

Aaron smiles smugly. “He’s used to having a dog companion. Just humans that did this,” he says, gesturing at the scar.

“I see your motives,” Robert says, but he can’t bring himself to object anymore. He reaches over, tangles in Aaron’s hair and pulls him in for a kiss. The cat yowls, objecting to being ignored, and Robert laughs. “Wow. Someone’s monopolosing.”

“I didn’t plan on that,” Aaron admits, though he rests his hand on the back of Robert’s neck, strokes the hairs at the nape of Robert’s neck. “The RSPCA called him Freckles.”

Robert stares down at the tri-colour beauty in his lap. “That is a terrible name.”

“So?” Aaron prompts, kissing Robert’s neck. “What are you gonna call him?”

“I’ll think of something.” Robert wants to sleep on it; it’s gonna have to be good.

“So it’s an alright gift then?” Aaron asks, and though his expression is calm, Robert knows it’s a genuine question, that he’s worried.

Robert looks up at Aaron, the husband who knows him better than he knows himself, who constantly surprises him, loves him in ways he doesn’t know how to handle. He shouldn’t worried about anything where Robert is concerned; shouldn’t be worried that he could mess it up, or be anything less than the person Robert loves with his whole heart, his whole self. 

“It’s perfect,” Robert says, forehead pressed to Aaron’s. “Just like you.”

“Shut up,” Aaron tells him, but accepts the kiss, the arm around his neck. 

“I mean it,” Robert says, voice heavy with emotion. The cat gets bored and jumps off of Robert’s lap to prowl the living room. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes you do,” Aaron says, like he always does. “Happy birthday, Robert.”

Robert’s heart skips as Aaron kisses him again, deep and full and eveyrthing.

[pathfuckery]

I swear I really tried to just pick a few but I'd love to see you answer all these for rory.

What is this character’s alignment?Currently? Probably true neutral, but trending towards and very close to lawful good. I don’t think she’s actually quite there though.

What is a notable quote from this character? Alternatively, what is their favorite quote? Hmmmm.... In my section of quotes in my session journal, the only quote I have from her is “This is the worst.” Which, while not anything fancy, is pretty descriptive. 

Summarize your character’s backstory with no more than three sentences. Parents and twin died when the world went to shit. Rory shut herself off. She vowed to find a way to fix her family’s sins. 

Describe your character using a song title. I’ll pick something off her playlist! “Fear and Loathing” by Marina and the Diamonds.

Are there any story arcs you would like this character to explore? I think I’ll leave this up to what the GM has in store! :) Obviously though I think she’s in a good vein of gradual self-improvement and trying not to be shitty, even if she fucks it up a lot. 

What would your character like (or have liked) to do with their life? If the world hadn’t gone to shit, Rory would have loved to work researching magic at some arcane university. She’s hella curious about magic, and the physics and metaphysics of the world. As it stands, she’ll have to settle for being a Time Lawyer.

Who is your character’s best friend? Tough, because Rory shuts herself off and has been kind of a bitch to a lot of people, making it hard to get close to most. She’s trying to connect with her party members though. She’s not great at it, but there’s progress. Currently, it’s probably her sister or her girlfriend. If he were alive, it most definitely would be her twin brother, Raph, who was her best friend. 

Who is your character’s worst enemy? Besides the evil sage enslaving the world? Because if not, her. Otherwise, recently, it’s been difficult for Rory to make other true enemies, due to the nature of her journey, constantly hopping back in time for short missions in the past, meeting new people all the time, seeing most never again. But honestly, Rory’s own worst enemy is probably herself. 

Who has, for better or worse, had the most impact on your character’s life? Besides the evil sage enslaving the world? Her relationship with her mother is certainly... complicated, It’s led to a lot of the current emotional distress she finds herself in.

What is the most badass thing this character has done? Rory isn’t much of a badass, but she’s had a few moments where she rises to the challenge. The most badass thing is probably standing up to and calling out the most powerful sorcerer she had ever known for turning into a coward and a lapdog. 

What crime is this character most likely to be convicted of? Is hubris a crime? Otherwise, most likely burglary of some sort. She did orchestrate her group breaking in to a very secure manor, after all. 

What meme would you use to describe the character? I refuse to answer on moral principles.

Does this character swear frequently? Yes, but because I do. It bleeds into the character. 

What is this character’s relationship with religion or the church? Fairly respectful? She grew up in a religious household, but definitely not a reverent one. While she’s better about it than a lot of her family, she definitely doesn’t follow all the rites to worshipping the gods, and instead just holds them in her heart and mind, and tries to meditate out of respect when she feels appropriate.

Would this character ever make a deal with a devil or dark spirit? She’d like to think that she isn’t that stupid. Most likely not. If the reason were good enough, and she was certain it needed to be done though, she might consider it.

Emotion or Logic? Logic, though she does let her heart trump every once in a while. 

Soup or Salad? Salad. 

What is the character’s favorite Pokémon? It would be Espeon. While Pachirisu is cute, and reminds her of Fleu, her familiar, what’s not to love about a precog pokemon that uses its power to protect its user? Rory would totally train a magic bounce, dual-screen espeon. 

What Pokémon Go team would they be on? Absolutely mystic. 

Is your character currently in love? Is there anyone in love with your character? Rory is head over heels for her girlfriend, Ophelia, who she met in the past, then worked very hard to bring her from the past into the future. She only is able to see her when they are both back from missions, as they cannot travel together, but she’s making it work. 

Do you ship your character with any other characters? (This includes characters from other universes and canons) The RoryxOphelia ship is pretty great. 

How would this character seduce a lover? Poorly. But seriously, Rory keeps things formal and classy, because once she gets outside of that, she gets hella nervous and has no clue what she’s doing. Luckily for her, Ophelia did most of the seducing in their relationship.

If your character could play any part in a drama, stage production, or musical, what part would they play? Out of anything, Rory would want to direct. She would do a fine job acting, but she’s far more comfortable when she can see the big picture and control and help from afar. 

What is your character’s favorite album? For Rory, it’s hard to pick just one. She loves music. However, I’ll go with “Pines” by A Fine Frenzy. Beautiful acoustics, self-reflection, soft vocals. It’s a style not too dissimilar to Rory’s, actually. 

What does this character mean to you? Rory is my daughter. My sharp-tongued, headstrong daughter that really tries to do the best, even if she stumbles, and I wish her nothing but happiness and peace. 

Thanks for the ask! :D :D :D :D :D 

[canaryatlaw]

So today was another good day, though I would've liked to have gotten to sleep already but that's my own fault. I slept late again, till around 12 (because nobody woke me up), and woke up to everyone running around getting ready for my cousin's graduation party tonight. So I ate some cereal and asked how I could be helpful, but didn't really get a straight answer so I just kind of helped where I could. When there was a bit of a lull in activity we played a round of bs (or bullshit, the card game) which I promptly won because I tend to be rather good at it, lol. Pretty soon there were hot dogs for lunch, so I ate one of those since I figured we probably wouldn't be getting dinner for a while, and pretty soon after that I went on a Costco run with some relatives from the other side of the family to get some party supplies. It was my uncle (married to my mom's sister)'s sister, uncle and aunt, all of whom I've met before and know. The uncle and aunt have lived in Alabama for some time now and are older and tend to make inappropriate racial and other comments, so that's always fun (we were talking about my aunt's 5th grade class the other day and out of nowhere he's like "yeah but how many of them are illegals?" Like ???? What does that even have to do with anything??? Ugh). But I was basically going along to be helpful and keep everybody on track because I'm good at these things, lol. We had to get a few side salads, a fruit bowl, a veggie platter, and pick up the cake they had made. So we ended up traversing around Costco for a while trying to find this specific potato saks they wanted, which we eventually did find next to the bacon (because ???) and also got a Greek pasta salad and quinoa salad for variety, then picked up a standard veggie platter and fruit cake, then got the cake. The cake was chocolate cake with chocolate icing, very intense lol. So we go to ring it up and the cashier accidentally types in $350 for the Greek pasta salad (not sure how you make that mistake) so we had to wait to get that fixed, which we mostly just found to be humorous (I'm a big proponent of not getting pissy with people over stupid little mistakes like that). So we left and headed back to the house, where most of the things were set up and ready to go. I helped set up the volleyball/badminton net in the front yard, then ended up playing badminton for a while with my two uncles and my cousin. My dad and his best friend are really into badminton, and we had a court set up in my backyard for YEARS when I was growing up every summer, so playing was a daily occurrence for me, and though it's been some time I'm still pretty dang good at it. The others did not have the same experience, and I was constantly hitting it too hard and too far for them, so I was trying to go easy but it didn't always work, lol. I'm so competitive though that it at least made me happy to be winning, lol. After a while we switched to volleyball, which I'm decidedly NOT good at, but neither was anyone else haha and after a while I started to get the hang of it a bit, so that was good. I tried kicking it at one point but not doing it too hard, but ended up almost kicking it into the neighbors yard lol (once a soccer player, always a soccer player). Eventually we went back inside and chilled out for a bit, before going to the backyard where we ended up starting a bigger round of bs, and we played several rounds. I didn't fair so well in the first few, tending to pick up a lot of cards, but I was very good at calling other people out and predicting what they would do, much to the chagrin of my uncle who was trying to talk smack to me the whole time (kidding of course) but I kept successfully calling him out and he was getting so mad lol. I ended up winning the last two rounds, going out with two of the correct number card both times, which annoyed all the adults I was playing with (much to my delight). My uncle later (jokingly) accused me of cheating at cards to my mother, but when I challenged him on it he couldn't name one way I was cheating, so I said he was just bitter that I beat him 😂😂. I've really enjoyed playing things like that with the adults and just joking around with them and then finding my sarcasm funny. I tend to come up with witty things to say in larger groups like this that go over fairly well, which always makes me happy. At this point more people were starting to arrive and the party was in full swing, so we all got some food and sat and ate and talked for a while. Eventually I went out front where my cousin was playing volleyball with some friends and just sat and talked with them. We did cake pretty soon after that, and I ended up talking to their neighbor that they're very close with and I've known since she was like 6, but haven't seen in a solid 10 years. She was saying she's studying psychology in college and is possibly interested in working in a juvenile detention center, so I ended up talking to her for a while about that and my experiences with the juvenile justice system and it was a very good talk. Pretty soon after that my cousin opened her gifts, which was nice to watch. We gave her a nice plaque with a bible verse on it to hang in her dorm room, and my brothers (or mostly my older brother, but he let my younger brother sign on too) wound up getting her a book about what your poo is saying to you, and also a very pretty bracelet from Tiffany's, and I think that combination somehow sums up my brother rather well (weird kid that he is). Not that he's ever gotten me anything from Tiffany's....lol, oh well, it's not like I really care that much. The kids were then starting to watch some horror movie on the screen they had set up outside, which is not my cup of tea, so I ended up playing some games with my other cousin and his friends (including the neighbor girl). He's a boy in college and we've never been particularly close, but he's nice enough and we had fun. We did a game called Fibbage first which I'd never played but it's similar to balderdash where it gives you a question and you have to make up and answer and try to get people to guess your answer while you're trying to guess the right one. I didn't do too great the first round but ended up winning the second, so that was good. We then played Quicklash, which was similar, but instead it posed a question and two people gave answers, and the rest voted on which was funniest. This was pretty fun, though the answers tended to get dirty. For a couple of them I was like, stuck, but I ended up getting a few good ones in there- like one question was "what's the name of your new plumbing company?" And I wrote "no shit's too thick" which had everybody rolling with laughter, and there were a couple other good ones so I ended up winning the second round of that too (can you tell I'm a bit competitive?). By the time we finished that the party was mostly wrapping up, so we said goodbyes to everyone then just kind of chilled out for a bit and talked to each other. Maid in Manhattan was on tv, so I sat and watched that for a while while going on my phone, because it's a cute movie, before eventually heading to bed (later than I would've liked, but oh well) and wound up using my boy cousin's axe body wash to shave my legs in the shower because I did not plan that out very well 😂 lol. We're getting up early to go to the beach tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that, but would like to not be too exhausted while there so I think I'll call it a night here. Goodnight dearies. Sleep well.

[brideylee]

Jared and Nicole’s Love Story

           “Wee! If you gotta puke do it while you're near the ground!”, the slim Ferris Wheel operator squealed before leaning his face to his chest and hacking up tobacco lung muck, pausing the smiles of the kids in the carriages as they rose towards the sky. "How does a person grow into that sort of thing?", the kids pondered.The man was skin and bones and his front teeth faced towards each other in a stand off. Freckles littered his translucent skin, all over his shaved, fragile skull that he’d constantly bang around carelessly, listening to some terrible music in his head. Jared felt like he could never be alone if he listened to the voices in his head. The ones singing Papa Roach, Slip Knot, Jane’s Addiction, and sometimes when he wanted to cry, Aerosmith. He masturbated to pictures of happy looking naked women, porn was too intense for him. The prettiest girl in the world was always and will always be Nicole.

Nicole worked at the bank, her hair was straight and dead, hot ironed every morning, and bleached so many times that her scalp was crispy. She picked at it during the half hour before lunch uncontrollably with her square french manicured nails, rubbing the flakes between her fingertips. She hated this habit of hers but it helped time pass at the bank, where the most interesting thing to look at was the small triangles in the grey carpet. They were so mundane, and pointless. They added no dimension or personality or cheerfulness. Why did the carpet need these intermittent triangles? Who picked out this miserable design for the bank? Was it someone who wanted the people working at the bank to be reminded of their depression? There’s no escaping the corners of a triangle."I'm trapped.", Nicole thought.The three corners: bathroom break, standing at the counter, lunch break. Nicole checked her phone, it was time to eat and no one had texted besides her uncle who apologized for “having one too many beers”. His puke was composed of meaty chili and she still hadn't discovered the chunks that had fallen between the couch cushions.

She walked to the parking lot, her khakis were tight and cheap. When she was just standing they worked fine, but every time she walked they’d ride up between her legs so brutally, she felt like her crotch would be permanently mutilated if she wore them for another year. She imagined the review she'd write: "Wore these pants to work for two years and now my pussy looks like the face of a children's clown discovering a horse head in his sheets." There was no way around stopping and giving the pants a forceful tug. She didn’t feel pretty as she shut her car door, and took out her salad.  The salad was wet. Her car was dusty and the cloth seats smelled like mildew and old Taco Bell. She could never figure out why it still smelled like Taco Bell, she hadn’t eaten there in months, the heat brought out the smell. She ate her wet salad, glancing at her part in her rearview mirror. She worried the picking was giving her a bald spot. The lettuce was soggy, eating healthy sucked; a new years resolution, she was trying. "

Jared was banging his head around his 1995 Altima, it was his moms old car. He had had it ever since she died of lung cancer. He didn’t love the Altima, and always swore he was gonna sell it for something better, but it was truly the only thing his mom left behind for him, and somewhat begrudgingly he felt he had to keep it. He had two hundred bucks he wanted to deposit right away because there was no way he could hang on to two hundred bucks for too long. He liked to gamble, there was something adult and classy about it. He pulled into a spot, collecting the money from an envelope on the front seat. He made terrible hacking noises that startled Nicole. She looked over at the car next to hers. Jared’s head thrashed around like a shark killing a baby seal, his coughing was incessant and if he did have someone in his life, it would annoy the shit out of them. Nicole didn’t recognize him at first, focusing back on her terrible salad. The sounds his throat were making were demonic like a jackal was inside him munching on his lungs and esophagus, slicing through slimy tissue with razor teeth. Nicole put the Tupperware lid on her salad. She thought about the triangles in the carpet.

After recounting his money, Jared glanced up from the front seat. He saw Nicole, staring forward blankly. He stared at her, the prettiest girl. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand. His nostrils were cracked and red, his face perpetually chapped and sore. He wish he looked better. Nicole felt his gaze, and turned her head towards him. She smiled politely. He stared parting his lips, but he couldn't think of anything to say. He couldn't smile, or cough, and the voices in his head were silenced to a record scratch in the middle of a Taking Back Sunday song. Nicole didn’t recognize the boy she grew up with. She was now 32 and high school was marred with memories of her folks fighting and drinking, the noise of that; the stomping, door slamming, constant howling from her mother, and seldom, but huge explosions from her father. It was war zone of a home that led to her tweezing her eye brows to thin lines obsessively and storing booze in her closet. Jared remembers high school differently. For him, it was awesome.  He made out with a lot of girls, none of whom bragged about it to anyone and he generally stayed out of trouble. Those were the years where his mom was her sickest, bed ridden, also her kindest years.

Nicole got out of the car and started walking back towards the bank, her lunch break was over and Jared’s gaze bothered her stomach. She tugged at her khakis as the seam made its way up. Jared stared from his car, growing more and more confused by the presence of his goddess, the prettiest. She looked more like he remembered her mom looking. He was still in awe of her. Stunned, he sat rubbing his chin, looking back at the bank debating on how to approach her or if he should wait until he had something fancy to talk about. Finally, he got out of the car. His pants were covered in crumbs from a subway sandwich and he smelled like one too. The sky was overcast, blank and unmoved by Jared's courage.

He made his way to the ATM machine, peering through the glass doors to see if he could see her. There she was, staring off at the carpet triangles perhaps if she'd stare long enough she'd start to hallucinate them moving in some psychedelic way, offering wisdom that would inspire some big life change or at least help her shed some weight. To Jared, Nicole was as poised and refined as a mannequin at Sears. The machine spat out his card, his deposit accepted. He opened the door to the bank. His ears got hot when he got nervous and his knees began to rattle like his bones suddenly age two hundred years. Nicole's eyes hadn't moved. She was planning the next boring healthy meal in her head when she glanced up to see Jared sway like he was drunk, his eyes rolling back in his head. He collapsed on the triangle carpet, seizing. Nicole stared at him, too numbed out to react instantly. He was just the probable junkie from the parking lot. Seconds ticked by while Jared's limbs tossed around uncontrollably. Should she call the police? An ambulance? She brought her thumb to her mouth and chewed at her cuticle. She dreaded all outcomes that involved leaving her position behind the glass.

When his writhing didn't stop, an older woman working in the back office rushed over to Jared. She knelt down next to him feeling his heart. His convulsions had settled down and a cold sweat now poured out behind his ears polishing the top of his head that glistened like a newborn with all that good placenta stuff on it. Janet, the nondescript woman from the back office, got him a Dixie cup of water from the water cooler, remaining calm and stoic. Nicole felt jealousy over Janet's human impulse to help. "Why didn't I feel anything?" Nicole thought to herself. As Jared came to, Janet helped him sit up right. He couldn't look at Nicole, he was embarrassed and weak. Janet offered to call an ambulance, but he convinced her quickly that he could drive home. Jared left the bank, vowing to never ever repeat the incident to anyone. Nicole wondered if she'd feel anything if the man had died. Guilt? Morbid curiosity? Satisfaction? Luckily, the triangles were still there and she didn't have to think long.  

[starving-ariess]

Anorexia: An Addiction?

Well. What’s an addiction?

Addiction (noun): the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity. Addiction is used to describe alcoholism, drug abuse, etc. A popular discussion these days is if teens are addicted to their phones. You can be addicted to someone you love.

But anorexia?

Let’s see.

How much can I eat today? I’ll say 400 calories. That ought to be enough for me to lose. What am I going to eat? Should I save my calories for dinner, or spread them throughout the day so I don’t go crazy and eat everything in the kitchen? Let’s plan my meals. I’ll have a clementine (47) for breakfast, an apple (65) for lunch. In between I’ll drink water and do my best to not think about food.

Maybe I’ll go downstairs to look at all of it. Don’t eat it, don’t even think about it, my brain is screaming, but oh god it looks so good and maybe just one bite won’t kill me fuck don’t do it fuck I did it and one bite turned into ten and now I have 200 extra calories to burn off fuck fuck fuck how am I going to do it I don’t have time to go to the gym today well 600 is still pretty low I’ll eat dinner and eat less tomorrow.

People ask me if I’m sick sometimes, but I honestly don’t feel sick. I’m okay.

The next day.

Wake up, bathroom, weigh. Lost a pound, thank god. The relief flooding through me is like nothing i have felt before. Like a drug. We have better control than yesterday. No food until dinner as punishment. Go to the gym and burn off 400 calories you haven’t eaten. Don’t fucking pass out. Drink water. When you get asked if you’re okay after you sit down for fear of falling down don’t fucking say a thing. You’re fine. I can’t afford them asking questions I can’t afford anyone knowing (that I’m not sick).

Back home.

Dinner. Swallow every mouthful, relish everything, it’s over too soon. Don’t linger in the kitchen. You’re in negative numbers. Lay in bed wide awake listening to your stomach growl and thanking god you feel too weak to get out of it if you fucking eat you die you can’t fucking eat pop a piece of gum in your mouth drink a whole bottle of water in one sitting make yourself feel sick (although you aren’t actually sick) don’t fucking eat.

The next day.

Wake up, bathroom, weigh. How the fuck did I gain this isn’t fucking possible fuck what the fuck am I going to do I’m so fat I can’t take it anymore I’m not eating anymore I swear to god. You go through the day feeling shaky as fuck thinking about nothing but food with the snide voice in your head telling you you’d better not fucking dare

“I’m hungry”

“Yes and you fucking deserve it. We’re not eating”

“Yes it fucking will we are going to starve we are fat and worthless and can’t do anything right and we are going to get this one goddamn thing right even if it kills us” and then you don’t eat for two days, but you’re not sick, you’re just listening to the voice in your head.

You sit in class and the girl across from you glances at you sometimes, wondering why your fingers are constantly wrapped around your wrist. Trying to make sure it doesn’t get bigger than what, 6 inches? She’s getting kind of tired of you staring at her legs all the time too. And seeing your fingers slide across your very prominent collarbones. And offering you food that you won’t accept. She’s made a list and by now the foods that you “don’t like” are more than the foods you do like.

Your nails are purple and so are your hands. You stare at the bones while you flex them, not paying attention to the teacher and feeling slightly dizzy. The bell rings and you stand up but you can’t remember the last time you ate and you feel like your world is crumbling around you as you fall to your knees and fuck you can’t see and you can’t feel your heart and you are actually terrified for a minute although why should you be? You’re not sick.

But then your vision comes back and you’re on your already bruised knees and your teacher is kneeling besides you, a very concerned look on his face, he knows you haven’t been eating, you have had him for two years and he hasn’t seen you eat once “let’s talk” he says “I’m fine” you say because you already know what is coming and the familiar excuses rise to your lips “i stood up too fast, I’m just tired and a little sick (LIAR), I’m fine though” and you walk away before he can protest desperately hoping you won’t collapse while he stands and watches you.

The hunger pangs are worse than ever when you’re home, laying in bed to avoid eating as always, downing water like it’s the fucking oxygen your food-deprived brain is starving for and you’re so fucking determined not to eat you just lay there and you can’t even cry about the food you miss because you’re so exhausted.

And your mom comes home and calls you for dinner and you start to say “I’m not feeling well” but she goes “it’s your favorite” and you break and have a plate (500 calories) and it’s more than you’ve eaten in a long time and afterwards when you’re in the shower burning your skin off to try to stop the fucking cold for once you shove your fingers down your throat over and over and over again until you’re on your knees in the shower sobbing for dear life because you shouldn’t have eaten those fucking 500 calories and you can’t get all of it up and you are so fucking done with everything and your music is blasting loud enough that your parents can’t hear a goddamn thing and when you finally manage to emerge the mascara streaking down your cheeks is just from the shower and I was really cold that’s why I was in there so long but I’m feeling better now, I think I’m just going to go to bed.

And you go to bed but you don’t sleep because your throat is sore and you are vigorously doing sit-ups trying to burn off 500 fucking calories and you fall asleep in the middle of one.

The next day is Saturday and you oversleep the alarm you set to go to the gym because your body is starting to protest again and you wake at noon to your best friend shoving a plate of food at you because “we’re supposed to go shopping and you’re late!” and the first thing you do is slide your hand up your shirt and shit it’s cold but you finger those ribs obsessively and wonder why it feels like you have ribs when all you see every time you look in the mirror is layers and layers of fat and the food is so enticing and your friend offers you some, she knows you don’t eat and watching you kill yourself in front of her is killing her slowly, if you’d bother to stop obsessing over how many calories you can eat today you’d notice the savage red lines on her wrists and how she’s always wearing bracelets but you don’t and anyway you decline the food, obviously you do, and the two of you go out and you’re wearing a thousand layers because it’s freezing outside but at least you don’t feel like you’re going to faint but you had 500 calories yesterday maybe that’s it maybe you’re a failure yes you definitely are.

And the two of you go into New Yorker and she convinces you to try in this dark green dress that matches your eyes perfectly and you go into the cubicle reluctantly but you don’t actually try it on you spend the entire time staring at your body critically in the mirror, turning one way to the other wondering why the hell you can’t see the ribs you felt this morning and when you come out dressed in your warm clothes again and she stares suspiciously you just say “it wasn’t my style.”

And you go to lunch and don’t order anything but a water until your friend insists you get something or she’ll call your mother so you order a salad and pick at it and she goes “you’ve lost a lot of weight” and you reply breezily “oh just a couple of pounds” and she raises her eyebrows because you both know you’re lying unless oh just a couple of pounds is the term for 20 now. And you’re clinically underweight, and you both know that too, but your parents couldn’t give two shits and you refuse treatment because you’re not sick. You have everything under control.

Your friend pretends not to notice you’re eating jackshit and asks what you want for your birthday. “Oh surprise me” you say airily and in your mind your head is screaming DEATH DEATH JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY but of course you don’t say that.

And your birthday rolls around and you fake a smile as you blow out the candles wishing for death, don’t eat any of the cake and try to slit your wrists the night after.

And that’s when your parents come in and say “we need to talk” and you end up sitting on a therapists couch staring at a painting of a wave and wishing that’s where you were instead of here, with the shrink questioning you and you answering numbly with “yes” or “no” or “I don’t know” until one thing she says the third time you spend an hour sitting there stands out and she says “eating disorders kill. And you deserve to be alive. There is not an eating disorder weight. You can be sick at any weight. You are loved. You are worthy. Your weight does not define you.”

And you look at her and her eyes are a deep brown and they are earnest and you bullshit so well you know instantly when someone is telling a lie and she is not and it is the strangest feeling and you start to fee light-headed but it’s not the feeling you get when you’re about to pass out it’s something different and before you know it you start to cry.

And you cry and cry and cry until you have no tears left and then she hands you a tissue and a second one just in case and she sits there and doesn’t say anything and you sit there too and thoughts are whirling in your head and you’re thinking about everything you’re thinking about the past two years of all the meals skipped and the plans cancelled and the excuses and the lies and the panic and the sadness and the pain and then you open your mouth and you say

“I think I’m sick.”

So you tell me. Is anorexia an addiction?

[throwawayaccountbcitsobviou-blog]

I hate K. Winters

Throw away account since it will be obvious why soon enough.   I just have to vent about this woman.  She is the fucking worst.  I’m going to be as vague as possible for obvious reasons.  You’ll know who I’m talking about, I’m sure, if you know who she is from online.

i hate her.  Why?  let me write you a book.

I actually had no idea she was on youtube until very recently, though it doesn’t shock me.  It’s what pushed me to write this.

1.)If she finds you on social media, she will stalk it to find anything she deems offensive.  No fucking joke.

 She will screen shot any and everything you say, if she thinks it’s offensive and send it to your supervisor.  

Had a guy get written up for making a joke about beating his girlfriend (he was referring to them playing a  video game, I thiiink it was SSB) it was an obvious joke about the fighting game, it had a screen shot of the game and everything.  I haven’t seen him recently so he may have been fired or quit.

2.) . She thinks she’s the boss of everyone regardless of where you are in the building.

Apparently, you have to have written permission slips from your supervisor if she sees you on your phone or smoking anywhere deemed a break area.  Had her ask my coworkers if they were on break and how long were they on break and does *** know they’re down there?  How about mind your business.

3.) She smells like a wet, moldy towel left on the bottom of the hamper.

Okay, this is a petty one but it really is that pungent.  I hate having to deal with her cause it’s a consistent thing. No one wants to deal with her because of it.  Also, she has old person farts that she has no issue ripping quietly while youre at her desk.  It’s like, I’m not stupid, I have a nose.  My Oma is 94 and lives on a diet of fish and aged  cheese and her odor is not as bad as that!

4.) . She treats cute, young ladies here badly

If youre young, attractive or flirty she will zero in on you.  She will make snarky comments about you.  Look down her nose like she’s somehow superior.  I realize it’s a bitter thing, she’s not exactly an attractive woman but there’s no need to shit talk just because you’re jealous of their looks.  Been a couple times I found myself stuck small talking with her where she only talks about *** and she’s just a dumb stereotype and how did she get this job etc etc..

5.) Two of my coworkers tried to convince her not to go to a party the company was having.

No one and I mean no one there likes her.  We had a party and two people I know tried to nudge her into not going.  She mentioned something else was on the same day and they tried to get her to go to that other thing.  We wanted just one party where her smelly ass didn’t cast judgmental looks or make back handed compliments to people.  WE ended up leaving soon after she showed up and headed to a pub.

6.) . She’s on her phone on social media all day, so shes’s basically being paid to play on her phone.

Every time I see her, her face is in her phone.  No, it’s not work.  Trust me on this.

7.) . She’ll talk with authority bout everything and if you prove her wrong or tell her she’s wrong she’ll never correct herself.

One of the very first conversations I had with her involved something I hold 2 degrees in and her zero.  Instead of admitting wrong, she still acted like I had no idea what I was talking about, pretended like she was getting a phone call on her cell and excused herself.  I knew I didn’t like her after that.

8.) . She thinks since she has a DR. in front of her name, you are below her and clearly she is the superior one.

I’ve lost track of the number of times she’d talk with authority about a law or something in the news that’s completely false, but always doubles down.  Bonus points if she tells you VOX is a reputable news outlet.  Bitch, you’re a doctor you should know better.

9.) She’s been caught stealing food from the fridge.

I heard this second hand, so it may not be true but given her size, I wouldn’t be surprised.

10.) . Speaking of food, her diet is awful.

Yes, she’s one of those people that brings in smelly foods that stink up a whole floor/wing/department.  Unhealthy shit to boot, yet still sneers at the thin lady eating a salad minding her own business.

11.) . She talks to parents about her dog in *that way*

raising a kid and owning a puppers isn’t the same thing.  Stop acting like it is.

12.) . She ‘corrected’ a coworker who is an ex-muslim about his own personal experience.

I don’t know how the topic came up (I wasn’t there), but they were talking about Islam and he expressed he left the faith for some reasons and was tired/scared  of his extremist family and that’s why he moved to this country.  She interrupted him multiple times to correct him with ‘not all muslim people are bad/extremists/religious nuts’ well, no shit not all muslims are that way, that’s just a stupid thing to think.  Why are you telling an ex-muslim man how he should think about his (old) religion?

13.) . Told a lesbian she doesn’t understand the struggles non-white LGBTQ youth go through.

Granted, I don’t think K knows she’s a lesbian or Spanish (she’s fair skinned and doesn’t really talk about it), but nothing like a white woman telling a Spanish lesbian about how she couldn’t know the struggles of poc lgbtq folks.

14.) Told a woman wearing a korean traditional dress on halloween was inappropriate.  (Heard from trustworthy coworker)

((Okay, so I have to preface this next one with this: This girl is Blue eyed and blonde....however, she is, in fact part Korean.  Her mother is a blue eyed, blonde haired and her father is half white/half Korean. (and before you ask, yes she is his child.  She looks exactly like him and even has his very distinctive eyebrows/eye brow ridge) Her grandmother, who is 100% Korean, sent her the dress for her Bday. She was excited and wanted to wear it, but waited until halloween so it wouldn’t be odd showing up in a very poof-y dress.))

the girl apparently cried in the bathroom because if it.  God forbid this girl not look like what K thinks a Korean lass should look like.

15.) . She will OBSESS over people.

If she hates you, if she likes you.  It’s insanity.  I overheard her talking to someone about this man who was bullying her online constantly and my thought was she more than likely started it. She does it all the time here, start something, the person defends themselves then suddenly she’s the victim.  Did a little research into her twitter and, yeah, she does that shit in person and online.  Go figure.

16.) She is literally the person who will go out of their way to be offended by everything.

If above doesn’t make that obvious enough.  She asked a coworker what his thoughts on Trump are, then immediately unloaded on him how awful the US president is, how he could dare not have the same opinion as her, then stomped off.  The guy just said he had no opinion on him since he’s not American and he doesn’t keep up with their politics. what a Nazi, amirite..

16.) She once claimed she spoke 3 languages.

When confronted by a native speaker, she back peddled and said she was still learning.  Why lie about that, especially here?  There’s literally people from all over the world here.  I hear languages from all over walking down the hall.

17.) She tries sooooo hard to be hip and cool.

She dresses twenty years younger than she should (I think she’s in her early 50′s, dresses like she’s 25) . Low cut shirts, which come on..if you’re top heavy and they drip down that low, at least wear a supportive bra.  It’s just uncomfortable for everyone involved and you know it.

She tries to show how cool she is by watching shows/talking young, then butting her way into conversations.  Look, I’m aware she is lonely and she only has like one actual friend this entire country, but just because you hear us talking about Rick and Morty or Rifftrax or the IT crowd doesn’t give you the okay to just shove your opinion into the conversation.  It’s rude and presumptuous that we’d want to talk to you.  I know this makes us sound like assholes, but she really is unbearable to be around sometimes.

18.) I think She picks her nose when no one can see her.

I happen to come around the corner with my sup, she was coming the other way.  The hallway was empty, so I guess she assumed it was safe to go mining.  My sup and I just looked at each other and kept walking.  She played it off like she was scratching her nose...she wasn’t.  That’s the action of someone who does that shit on the regular.

19.) . She talks down to and is condescending to everyone.

She treats a lot of people, even those who hold equal degrees to hers, like they’re lesser than her.  A super hot guy she does this to is also a doctor, but he went to a waaaay better college than her.  He’s nice to everyone, she doesn’t like him.  My buddy thinks she has the hots for him, but he is way out of her league, so she talks to him like he’s an idiot to make her feel better about herself.  I think it’s because the doctorate he holds isn’t worthless.  seriously, though.  He’s fucking hot.

20.) She got drunk at a party once and complained about some dude we didn’t know who she didn’t like, like any of us gave a shit.  

I wish I was joking.  We told her to just block him and ignore it or just walk away from the internet for a while.  I mean, we’re adults not 15 y/o girls sending caddy messages to one another.  Internet drama is a pathetic thing for an old woman to get wrapped up in.   She then left to, what I thought, snapchat or face time someone.  We could see her talking into her phone with it out in front of her (she was drunk so god knows who the poor unfortunate soul was on the other end) then came back to let us know she was leaving.  

21.) . She’s clearly unhappy, so she tries to make everyone else around her the same.

No one who is happy with their life/themselves says/does the things she does/says.  Unhappy people recognize unhappy people.  I was that miserable once, I know it when I see it.

22.) She’s rude to wait staff/ baristas.

again, I wasn’t there but a coworker went with her to get coffee (He’s a nice guy to everyone, bless his heart) she rudely demanded a manager when her drink wasn’t made with what she asked for. Yeah, she’s one of THOSE people..

23.) and lastly only because I’m done talking about her; she blamed a mistake SHE made on a friend of mine, who got shit canned because if it.

Yup.  

I don’t care if this is ever discovered, don’t care if it is.  I don’t care if you believe me or think I’m some troll.  If you’re a fan of hers, rethink your fandom.  If you hate her, good on you.  Either way, I don’t care.  I just really wanted to vent out this joke of a human being. I’m not coming back to this tumblr.

farewell, noble listener from the future.

and Kristie, if you found this; Fuck you, twat.  I hope you remain miserable and alone for the rest of your life.  You deserve it for the shit you put everyone through daily.

[becomingstrong1289]

4/22/17

This week with Josh has been so frustrating. I have been mad this whole week. i actually considered keeping the kids this weekend instead of them being with him. this is the first time i have done this. after meeting his gf and not getting an apology. Monday i asked him for an apology and he looked at me and asked for what. So I had a conversation with a float nurse who is my situation 20 years from now. Her ex husband was abusive in a different way. They had 3 kids together. Her youngest would cry when going to her ex like Owen does when i leave him. She knows how heart breaking that feeling is. Her other kids adored her ex. They were never able to coparent. At events they would leave her and go sit with him because they didn’t see him. But even when they lived with him they still sat with him. I read on my coparenting facebook group that a woman was hurt because her kids were not allowed to make contact with her in public because the father would punish her kids. Alysca does it to Vanessa too. Shes so conditioned she wont even say hi when her mom isnt around. So i know that is a real situation that could happen. So Stacy, the float nurse, stayed hurt for a very long time in many situations because her and him could not get along and the kids were forced to pick sides. Now two of her kids are living with the father and since they moved they have been brainwashed into not talking to their mom. She aches for them. We are pretty much strangers and everytime she walks into our office she tells us about her kids. I can see Natalie doing that to me. Shes a lot like me and i eventually walked out on my mother to live with my dad. My mom was a shitty mother and physically and emotionally abusive. i yell at the kids but i dont beat them or call them names. i try my best but im the discipliner and josh is the weekend dad. Stacy talks about overcompensating with her youngest because she doesnt want to lose her. I do that with the kids. i go out of my way sometimes to make them happy. My biggest issue and regret is being on my phone when theyre around. its just my way of unwinding from my day and staying calm. im so tired when i get home from work and then there are 500 more things to do. i think if me and shawn get together and i have a little extra help my relationship with them will be better. right now there is only one of me and two of them and they are in such different stages of life. its hard to accommodate both of them. my other issue is my high cleaning standards. i need to relax and put it off til the weekend. shortcuts are okay sometimes. but it makes me feel like a failure. So anyway, after that conversation i really started thinking about withholding the kids for the weekend. i really didn’t see it fixing anything. it would just be rocking the boat. So i decided to talk to him first. i brought owen to the park and he called me. So i told him i was thinking about keeping the kids for the weekend and asked him why he thinks i would have to do that. i realized during this conversation that i have to talk to him like i would have to natalie. That they have the same social knowledge. He first said it was about the paystubs. It took him 11 days to send his paystubs to the lawyer and that was only after i asked for it. i told him that that was a frustration but not the reason. Then i asked again. He finally admitted that it was prolly cuz of courtney. And then i brought up how he wouldnt apologize to me on monday. he told me that he was just thinking about dropping the kids off and not about what happened. I told him that it hurt me so much on saturday that i could barely get out of bed. that i was suppose to do something very important that day but i couldnt do it cuz i was so hurt and depressed. i told him i cant be a good parent and hurt all the time. he admitted that he SHOULD HAVE apologized. they he almost said that he apolo....then he changed what he was saying. it is so hard for him to be remorseful. he just couldn’t say the words. finally, after me nagging at him about not being able to say it, he said he sincerely apologizes to me. i bet his mouth was bleeding after that. then i changed the subject a little. i asked him why he would let me go after his gf like that. he wouldnt really answer. he basically said that he was holding owen and didn’t want things to escalate by asking me to stop or leave. the truth is that i was holding owen the whole time. and he never defending her, me or the kids, only himself. he threw her to the wolves like he did to me with alysca. i told him that once i was courtney and i know what its like to have someone you feel should protect you and doesn’t. i told him that he doesn’t know how to love people and he should think about why that was his reaction because that is really important. This whole week ive been sending him quote and descriptions of sociopaths. He fits him to a tee. I dont know if he thinks so or not. theres really no cure for it. he thinks hes better than other people, he doesnt think he needs to apologize for hurting others, he doesn’t know how to love people. so in the end i asked josh if he wanted our relationship with our kids damaged because we couldnt get along. he said no. i told him i want to try coparenting again but i need a break. i said maybe around owens bday ill start talking to him again but until then its just the kids and the divorce that will be talked about. and even that will be minimal. so i fucked up and forgot owens medicine at drop off. it just didn’t cross my mind. so tonight im going out of my way to go skating with me dad. i think ill just drop off the meds with his grandma. i dont want to see the house or let the kids see me and hear owen cry cuz im leaving. it will break my heart. i dont want to see her car there. i dont want any part of it. 

Something very cool is happening to me. i started seeing Luann again for weight management. i have been basically plateaued at 220 since july 2016. i started creeping up again during the holidays and got back down and then i started creeping again so i made the decision to start weight management again. this is the only way i have ever been able to lose weight. as of yesterday i was down to 217.8. i finally got over the first hump. my next will be 210. that is where diane told me she weighed in at. if i can get under that ill be skinnier than her. 200 will be a huge one. i havent been under 200 since my jr year of hightschool. it would be amazing to be close to that when i go on vacaion. my ultimate goal is 180. when i was eating my normal amount of food i was always afraid of not getting enough nutrients if i ate smaller portions. today i kinda realized that i only eat a certain amount of food per day, say 1500 calories. Those 1500 calories better be very nutritious.  this week i ate basically a dairy product and fruit for dinner, a meat and veggie wrap or salad and meat and veggies for dinner. i did eat one sweet potato once this week. i found some bread that is 35 calories per slice and had a couple pb and js. its not perfect but its working. my snaking was out of control before i started the meds. i would just eat constantly. i was like a smoker with unsalted nuts and prunes. i listen to my dad and his diet stuff but i have to remember that he isnt to his goal weight. he still eats fast food and goes crazy on cheat days. i dont need cheat days. i like my cooking and i love veggies. why would i pick pizza when i can eat a steak and asperagus and mushrooms instead. tonight im going skating. idk if hes gonna wanna go out or not but im gonna try to get a salad or something similar to that. i can alway bring it home and eat it tomorrow or for lunch. no biggy. i feel like shit when i stuff my face. its painful. im waiting for shawn to notice im losing weight. that is going to be really cool when he says something about it.