#i have a great arc for him and a gladiator in rome to really get into the messy and contradicting aspects of it

[attila-werther]

headache finally tapering off but I have to get up early :(( I want to post about calamus!!!

[five-miles-over]

Unpopular Opinions I Have About the Film “Gladiator”

Disclaimer: These are just my personal opinions that I have about the 2000 epic film Gladiator. By no means are these opinions meant to offend anyone or any group of people. 

1) There should’ve been more female characters in the film. 

I get how this is about gladiators fighting, this was supposed to be a sword-and-sandals film and all. But as a girl, I wish that there were more options for female characters to love instead of a) politics-savvy woman who needs to pretend like she’s not worried for her son or b) unnamed woman who gets ravished by Roman soldiers and then gets crucified.

Ancient Rome’s history was filled with powerful women, not just those from the Imperial family. It would’ve been great if Gladiator had at least one scene with Gracchus’s mistress or wife listening in on conspiracy theories and then secretly meeting with Falco or something.

2) Ridley Scott did a really good job in creating the character of Commodus, but didn’t do much justice in terms of giving him a satisfying character arc.

I find the concept of an ambitious prince who didn’t receive enough paternal affection great. The character is someone that the audience can sympathize with, yet knows that this character is doing something pretty awful. 

But, I definitely think that the incest thing in the film was not necessary. In my opinion, it was just something that the filmmakers just put because they didn’t know any other way to quickly tell the audience, “this guy is the villain.”

I think there could’ve been a lot more done with Commodus if the filmmakers really wanted to show him going insane or losing his mind over the Senate.

That being said, Commodus is still my favorite character in this film. From an analytical standpoint, he is by far the most complex character and...he’ really interesting to watch because he’s somewhat unpredictable.

3) I am completely okay with the patricide scene. In fact, I like it a lot.

Yes, I’m not a fan of the incest theme but the element of patricide was excellent. The script had great lines, the acting (esp. Joaquin Phoenix’s) was amazing, and the music was really good. 

4) Commodus should’ve been given a wife or mistress or girlfriend or boyfriend or some kind of S/O instead of his sister.

5) They should’ve alluded to something about Commodus and Lucilla’s mother (like what happened to her, what was she like as an Empress, etc.)

6) Maximus Decimus Meridius is a complete Mary Sue

7) I'm glad that Maximus dies in the end of the film. And it’s not just because he killed my favorite character.

[shelfspacewanted]

The Far Arena: Final Thoughts

Richard Ben Sapir’s The Far Arena was first published in 1978, by Seaview Books, a division of Playboy Enterprises.  I had low expectations going in.

I was pleasantly surprised.

Our main character is Eugeni, Lucius Aurelius Eugenianus, formerly the premier gladiator of Rome.  Sentenced to obscurity and exile for offending the gods of Rome he is marched north to freeze to death at the shores of the German Sea.  Where he would have stayed if an American oil company hadn’t dug him up, and a Russian scientist hadn’t thawed him out.

For the first half of the book, the narrative switches between Eugeni’s semi-delirious recollection of the events leading up to his banishment, and the scientists’ attempts to understand exactly what it is they have uncovered.  The second half of the book properly begins when Eugeni wakes up.  Although the second half of the book read faster (to me) than the first half, Eugeni in 1978 C.E. Norway wasn’t nearly as engaging as Eugeni in 79 C.E. Rome.  The second half of the book properly belongs to the modern characters, petroleum geologist Lew, Cryonics specialist Semyon, and Latin scholar Sister Olav.  More to Lew and Sister Olav.  Semyon, bless him, is just kind of along for the ride.

Lew and Eugeni are rather neat foils for one another.  Both from humble origins, both athletes, both nearing the ends of their respected careers, one anticipates retiring to modest success, the other to fame and great wealth.  One married for love, the other for prestige.  One holds the power to manipulate the people around him and loses it, one gains it.  One big, one small.  I like Lew.  I like that Sapir is able to show us his kinship with Eugeni long before Lew recognizes it in himself.  Most of all I liked that we were given two men who could oppose each other without sinking too far into irredeemable villainy.

I’ll admit that I worried about Sister Olav’s presence.  She’s a beautiful nun in a book published by Playboy; it could have been so bad.  Again, I was pleasantly surprised.  My one complaint regarding Sister Olav is that the conflict that’s supposed to be central to her character, deciding whether to give up her study of Latin to pursue life as a contemplative, gets brought up early and then is dropped almost entirely.  When it does reappear, it gets shunted into the last three chapters before being (sort of) resolved.  Lew gets the whole book to develop his arc, Sister Olav gets three slightly rushed chapters.  Eugeni pretty much had his shit together from the beginning, and poor Semyon doesn’t really get to do anything in terms of character development.

In general, Sapir seems to relax and gain confidence in his story as he goes along.  There’s some heavy handed foreshadowing in the earliest chapters, and some awkward turns of phrase, but for the most part I bumped along pretty happily.  The second half of the novel read much faster than the first, right up until the last three chapters.  Have you heard the complaint that the movie version of The Return of the King has about five endings too many?  That’s sort of how the last three chapters felt.  Actually, the last chapter was wonderful, but the preceding two could easily have been condensed without losing track of the emotional climax. 

The Far Arena has been out of print for about 40 years.  If you find it by chance go ahead and pick it up.  There are one or two inconsistencies that don’t detract from the story too much, and I doubt that the depictions of Roman daily life are up to the current standards of archaeological and historical accuracy, but that’s partially the point.  This is definitely a book for adults, and if gore is something you’re especially sensitive to you might want to give it a pass.  If you’ve already read or can’t find The Far Arena, you may want to check out Steven Saylor’s murder mystery Roman Blood, the first book in the Roma Sub Rosa series, which this book has given me powerful urge to re-read (even though I just read it again last year, dang it!  I have a pile to get through!)

[jessieliveblogs]

Aces in Hockey

Written for the prompt: Total au! 2.9k (Ao3)

Four was quiet by nature. He was a classic former victim of child abuse: strong, silent, enigmatic. He didn’t mean to be. He didn’t try. Any first-year psych student could tell you about the conditioning environment in his formative years to make him like this. And more than one first-year psych student had.

He was allowed to be quiet on the ice.

Not during actual play, obviously. He was the captain – constantly making calls to his team and conferring with coaches. But he stayed out on the ice after practice, letting everyone else go shower in the locker room as he made lazy circles on the ice. It was a calming cool-down, reminding him of times when he would spend hours on the pond just to be out of the house. He’d skate circles until his feet were way past aching and chew up the ice far past what was safe. He no longer had to worry about falling through the ice in the rink but there were other dangers.

“Please tell me your dramatic brooding is coming to a close. We do need the ice, you know.”

Four kept his head ducked, concealing the slight smile that he could feel quirking his face.

“Just because I’m the strong and silent type doesn’t mean every one of my actions is brooding,” he answered before turning to the voice.

She stood just inside the door on the ice. She was half-dressed in her skates and hockey pants but she hadn’t put her pads on yet, standing there in Under Armour and a backwards snapback pulled over head. He was glad to see she looked more teasing than genuinely angry: a recent development he was more than happy about.

“Well now I just feel lied to,” she said. “You think every young-adult book and movie in existence would just lie?”

Four shook his head, his chuckle probably too low for her to hear. He knew she knew he was laughing anyway.

“I still have twenty minutes before your practice, Tris,” he reminded her.

“No, the ice crew has twenty minutes before my practice to fix this mess your team left us.” She crossed her arms in an intimidating display no one who was that small should pull off. “But they can’t do that until you get off the ice.”

Four sighed, skating toward her. “I don’t know why none of them could tell me that.”

Tris backed up to let him through the door, following him out. “They’re all afraid of you. Duh. Remember the dramatic brooding I mentioned?”

Four leaned against the wall, putting on his skate guards, and watched Tris as she did the same. “Not you, though.”

Tris looked over at him, balancing on the blade of one skate. She smirked. “What do I have to be afraid of?”

He smiled back.

This easy camaraderie between the two hockey captains was not always so easy. They started out in pre-semester barely acquainted yet antagonistic.

It was August and Four had been doing his same slow circles on the ice when this tiny, angry girl stormed onto the ice.

“Hey hot-shot! You mind getting off the ice? Your time ended an hour ago.”

Four skidded to a stop, more confused than anything by this interruption. “So?”

She dramatically rolled her eyes. “So, it’s my ice time now. Move.”

Four assessed her. Slight build, powerful looking legs. Figure skater?

“You can have this half,” he offered, diplomatically. “I’ll stay on the other side.”

She looked furious. “Are you an idiot? We need the whole rink! What do you think we’re trying to do here?”

He was even more confused now. “Who is we?”

“The women’s hockey team!” She seethed. “I know there’s a sexism problem at this school – and in sports as a whole – but I would think that the captain of the men’s team could at least acknowledge that the women’s team might need to practice, too.”

“Oh!” He would never have pegged this small girl for a hockey player. He’d seen them play but he was sure he’d never seen someone this small. “The women’s team don’t usually practice this early.”

“Well, we do now. And if you’d bothered checking the rink schedule, you’d know that.”

Four looked at her some more. She wasn’t wrong: he shouldn’t be on the ice this long after their time ended. But he didn’t like the way she talked to him.

“Does your captain know you’re out here?”

She seemed to grow three whole inches.

“I am the captain,” she told him, her voice low and dangerous.

Four’s eyebrows shot up. He gave her another once over. “You’re Prior?”

“Tris,” she said by way of a yes. “So you have heard of me.”

He had. A sophomore being voted captain was incredibly rare. She’d been the lead scorer last season, earning herself a hat trick in the playoffs. Four himself had seen it happen. But he couldn’t reconcile this tiny angry girl with the fast and ruthless number 6 he’d seen play last spring.

Well, maybe the ruthless part.

He took off his glove, extending his hand to the diminutive captain. “I’m Four.”

She took his hand, squeezing roughly. “I know who you are, Tobias Eaton.”

He looked squarely into her eyes, squeezing her hand back so he could feel her knuckles grinding together. “It’s Four.”

Tris didn’t flinch. He actually thought he might see the beginning of respect behind her eyes.

“Get out of my rink, Four.”

 And he had. They had a grudging respect for each other since that day, calling each other on their bullshit and supporting each other’s teams through the season. Four was a fifth year Criminology student and managed to hold onto the captaincy in his final year. Tris, too, had held onto her title and Four suspected she’d keep it until she graduated. What could be said? They were good at their jobs.

Despite the grudging respect, Four wouldn’t have thought of he and Tris as friends. Not until Tris invited him out for trivia night.

“It’s just my brother,” she’d said, rolling her eyes. “I invite him because he’s smart and I’m in it to win, but he’s awkward around girls. Will you come and be a buffer?”

“Come with you and your friends?”

Tris had snorted. “You’re my friend too, doofus.” And then she’d punched him on the shoulder.

So he’d gone to trivia night.

 It wasn’t as awkward as he’d feared. He hadn’t really spent time with anyone since his best friend, Zeke, had graduated last year. The problem with a 5-year degree is that all of your friends are done in 4. Luckily, it seemed Four now had younger friends.

He knew Tris’s friends, Christina and Lynn, from the women’s hockey team. He only knew their numbers, of course, and had never spoken to them, but they could all fall back on hockey discussion if there was a lull.

Caleb Prior was a completely different story.

“It’s not that I don’t believe in total egalitarianism but the state of equity is completely dependant on the will of a nation’s constituents, and the arc of apathy in this nation in particular will drive us to total corruption. Socialism is a pipe dream, and without financial equity, the opportunity of total egalitarianism is just not feasible.”

Four threw back the rest of his whiskey. “Right.”

Trivia hadn’t even started yet and Caleb had ranted about six different political issues he felt were of the utmost importance. He also had mentioned that he was a Libertarian no less than 15 times.

Four eventually understood why Caleb was there when the trivia started. He may be a pseudo-intellectual – a pretentious blowhard who tried too hard to seem smart – but that definitely lent itself to him knowing a lot of menial shit.

And, for whatever reason, Caleb had decided Four was his new best friend.

“I just don’t get it,” Caleb had said, hair a little more disheveled than when he’d come in. Four had discovered early that he got more tolerable the more he drank so he had kept buying Caleb sea breezes. “I never got it when Beatrice wanted to play as kids. What’s so great about hitting things with sticks and getting hit by bigger people who also have sticks?”

Caleb was the only person that called her Beatrice. Her teammates called her 6. Everyone else called her Tris. But Caleb seemed to have that family privilege.

Four shrugged. He’d started responding to Caleb’s questions halfway through trivia which only made Caleb talk to him more but Four was drunk enough not to care.

“Why do people want to be gladiators?”

“Well, historically, the Roman gladiators were actually sold into it through the prison system or as some kind of raid against Christianity–”

“Fun,” Four told him, deadpan. He took another shot. “Glory.”

“But no one remembers the specific gladiators,” Caleb shot back, almost smug. “We remember the politicians and scholars of that time.”

Four snorted. “What use is glory once you’re dead?” He asked. “Back in ancient Rome, women would buy vials of the sweat of their favorite gladiators to wear around their necks. That kind of devotion is what real glory really is. And it can help you while you’re alive, even.”

Caleb reeled back, impressed. “There’s something to that argument.”

Four raised his glass in acknowledgement, shooting it back in one.

He hadn’t meant to get that drunk which meant when the party at the bar broke up, and Caleb had left, Tris treated him with simultaneous guilt and annoyance.

“Jesus Christ, I know my brother is hard to put up with but was this much alcohol intake really necessary?”

Four chuckled, much looser around her than he normally would be. “He’s not so bad.”

This only seemed to alarm Tris. “Oh God, it’s worse than I thought. Come here.”

She slung Four’s arm around her shoulder and started frog marching him out. He’d been more drunk before. He figured he could probably walk under his own steam without embarrassing himself. But he let himself be manhandled because a) Tris may be tiny but he knew she was strong enough to handle his weight and b) it was a good excuse to be close to Tris without all the gross implications that would normally come with Four intentionally getting close to her.

This had been a problem for him for a while. He had a crush on Tris – of course he had a crush on Tris – but he couldn’t have crushes like normal people. Because crushes come with expectations of follow-through. And Four could only follow-through so much.

What he could do though was enjoy the movement of muscles beneath Tris’s skin as she maneavoured him. That he could enjoy a lot.

She dropped him bodily into the passenger seat of her Prius and it became a game of Tetris trying to fit all of his limbs in the tiny space. Four pretended to be more drunk than he was so he wouldn’t have to do any of the work. He wasn’t proud of it. But it was funny to see Tris struggle.

She didn’t seem to have any reservations about touching him – grabbing his thighs and shoulders in a perfunctory, practical way. He appreciated that but he was curious about it. He knew now that they were friends now but he also might have thought that they had… maybe… been flirting a little bit. Was he reading things wrong?

Sober Four might have ruminated on that. He might have anguished over it, brooded over it, considered it thoroughly before dismissing it entirely.

Drunk Four did no such thing.

“I probably could have done that,” he told her as she herself collapsed into the driver’s seat. “I’m not that drunk.”

Tris snorted as she started the car.

“I’m too drunk to drive my bike home,” Four corrected, grimacing. He hated leaving his bike overnight. “But I can move my own body.”

Tris raised her eyebrow at him, not looking away from the road. “Then why didn’t you?”

Four shrugged, his body doing this weird tilting thing in his slump. “You were doing such a great job.”

Tris snorted again, but this time she was smiling.

“I actually had a question about that,” he continued, his brain vaguely yelling in the distance.

“Oh?”

Four nodded, pulling himself more upright. “We’ve been flirting and stuff, right?”

Tris’s head jerked back a little, a subtle sign that she was surprised he’d brought it up. “Yeah. Yes, we’ve been flirting.”

“Right.” Four nodded. “So did you manhandle me so impersonally because you were being respectful or because you’re not attracted to me?”

Her surprise was more pronounced now. “Uh…”

Four waited, staring beningly at the side of her face while she drove.

She seemed to puzzle over this question for a while before slumping in her seat. “I’m not sure what answer you want. Because my answer is a little of both.”

Four nodded again. “That is pretty close to the answer I want.”

Tris looked over at him in a double take before looking back to the road. “It is?”

“Yeah,” Four said, slumping into the seat again. “For one, it’s honest. And I like honesty.” He lolled his head to look out the window. “But also I’m asexual so I’d rather you weren’t sexually attracted to me. That would make things easier.”

The voice that had been vaguely yelling at him was now very present in the middle of his forehead. Intellectually (or as intellectually as he could be in his drunken state) he knew there was very little risk in coming out to her. She’d basically admitted the same thing. Well, she hadn’t – she could just mean that flirting with him meant nothing and she wasn’t attracted to him, even romantically. Maybe he didn’t think this through. Maybe that’s why the voice was yelling.

Because he’d never come out to anyone. Not to any girl, anyway. Not anytime it mattered. Zeke knew but only because Zeke had helped him figure it out. No one else knew.

He’d had crushes but he’d let them go, not bothering to take things further knowing he could never go far enough. This thing with Tris felt a little more high stakes. For one, they were both captains of their respective teams that worked very closely together. Four had spent more time with Tris over the past year and a half than anyone else he went to school with. It would be super awkward if things didn’t work out between them.

But also, he had feelings for Tris. Real feelings. It felt high stakes because he’d graduated from casual crush sometime last spring. He was in full-on-infatuation land now. He’d get through a rejection but it would be ten years, probably, before he put himself out there again.

He definitely shouldn’t have gotten so drunk. He shouldn’t have agreed to come out with her in the first place. He should have just pined his way to graduation. That would have been better, probably.

All of this internal turmoil happened between breaths. Between him speaking and Tris asking, “Things like dating?”

Four’s nod was strained, already regretting his entire life and feeling more sober than he’d felt before he’d even left for trivia night. “Things like dating. And the whole ‘asexual’ conversation.”

“Oh, you mean the conversation where people ask if you’re a plant? And that’s if they’ve even heard the word ‘asexual’ before. Usually it’s ‘what’s that?’ and ‘You’ll grow out of it.’ Or, my favorite, ‘All women feel like that but you have to have sex if you want to get a boyfriend.’”

Four blinked. “Yeah.”

Tris snorted. “Yeah. I’m familiar.”

Four sat up, slowly. “So we don’t have to have that conversation.”

“No. I would rather we didn’t.”

Four watched Tris drive. Her cheeks had pinked slightly but she was smiling, softly.

He waited until she’d parked outside of his apartment. He hadn’t known she knew were it was.

“I’ll see you at the rink?”

Tris turned to him, smirking in full force. “Yes, you will.”

 And she did. She barged onto the ice during his post-practice cool down, as usual, but instead of yelling at him, she smiled.

“Let’s go out.”

Four could feel his mouth start to spread in a grin. He bit it down. “Like a date?”

“Like a lot of dates,” she answered. She needed to crane her neck to look up at him but her confidence and her presence made her fill up the whole room. “Be my boyfriend. Let’s be that cliche. The captain of the girl’s and boy’s team are boyfriend/girlfriend. It’ll be gross. We have to.”

Four’s stomach jumped at the word ‘girlfriend.’ He’d given up a long time ago on ever having one of those.

“Well, if we have to.” He grinned.

She grinned back, reaching up (and up and up) to cup his cheek. “Can I kiss your face?”

“I would love for my girlfriend to kiss my face.”

Which was a good thing too because he had to do most of the work to bend down to her. Her lips were soft and undemanding.

Which was exactly what he hoped the rest of their relationship would be.

[aion-rsa]

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 2 Review: I, Carumbus

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This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 2

In order to stay relevant in the present, The Simpsons’ season 32, episode 2, moves back to the past. History has a way of repeating on itself, as does The Simpsons, and “I, Carumbus” is a cautionary tale, twice told, if you watch it again on demand. Just like the often-misinterpreted “Revelations” of The Bible was actually about Emperor Nero, the tale of Obesius and his son Bartigula, is a warning shrouded in the mystery of parable. Just like that guy Jesus used to do before his people started bad-mouthing the Saturnalia. An empire shall fall because of its own greed and ambition, Lisa explains.

It sometimes feels like The Simpsons have lived longer than the Roman Empire, and people are consistently calling for its fall. Even The Simpsons writers mock their longevity, and the god they sacrifice to, Fox Network, which grants them longer life. While Homer doesn’t quite jump the rhinoceros in this episode, many watching on their home Coliseums want to see him throw himself on his knife. That’s probably a little too much effort, so the series lets Michael Palin as the Springfield’s Museum Curator twist the dagger of ambition into the proceedings.

Before the period piece part of the episode begins, Marge wants to know if it would kill Homer to show a little ambition in his life. Normally, Marge is his biggest enabler and while she’s often had reason to push him up innumerable hills, she knows Homer is more apt to fall of the nearest cliff. But as Lady Majora, her Roman era namesake, she gets to be the Machiavellian mama MacBeth in this I, Claudius arc.  

It all begins on the farm where Obeseus does the work of several farm animals, plowing fields. His father replaces Obeseus both as an agricultural implement and emotionally when he trades him into slavery for a real ox. The Simpsons spends a little time doing a parody of Spartacus, with Homer plowing the arena with the dead bodies of his gladiator opponents. They go a step further when the daughter of one of the Doctores Retiarii who trains the gladiators, played by Joe Mantegna’s Fat Tony persona, get pregnant by one of the fighters. All the gladiators rise in unison to proclaim “I had Sexicus” in a parody of the famous “I am Spartacus” scene. It is a rousing moment with a double entendre that misses its mark by about a discus throw.

It is telling, funny and completely in character for Obeseus to betray himself by thinking he was betrayed by his friends and Majora. It does seem, for a moment, the other gladiators might be bragging about having a go with the vestal not-so-virgin. By missing the point that his friends were trying to protect him, Homer’s entire persona, everything we know, love and forgive about him, is defined. He doesn’t screw his friends for this reason though. That’s entirely due to the influence of his new freedom to be enslaved by the ambitious daughter of a Roman businessman. It also helps that both Homer and Obesius’ legends are cast in the self-referential tales and prowess of Mr. Plow.

It sounds like a happy ending, but X years and II children later, Obesius finds himself in the whizz biz, fermenting human urine into ammonia. Here we get another history lesson from Springfield Elementary, which oddly enough is even more TMI than what we saw on HBO’s Rome. This is the same occupation which fortified the coffers of a young Marcus Tullius Cicero, who would later find his hands nailed to the Senate doors. We can only hope Obesius washed his as he follows his wife’s bidding to put himself up for a seat on the floor.

Even Senator Horse, a reference to a real-life satirical appointment made by Emperor Caligula, knows there are benches. The buildup and denial follow familiar Simpsons plot movement, and while the jokes land, and the story moves forward, the actual laughs should have come at a faster rate. This is fertile ground for the fast-pace verbal sparring the cast does so well, and it feels like it is thrown away too quickly.

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A lot happens in the rising action. Obesius takes credit for his slaves’ innovations. He falls deeper into the Seduction of Mimi morass by stiffing his friends for upward motion. But his ultimate power move is helping the Emperor slip backwards on a knife so his son can rule. This is made more curious by the fact that the father, portrayed by Springfield’s Mayor Quimby, is much much younger than his son, played by Mr. Burns, who may very well have known actual Romans he’s so old. The actual punchline, “Et tu, pee guy?,” is clever but feels a bit stale because it’s such a Simpsons branded moment. The smaller detail of seeing El Bartius graffiti all over the someday-ruins is equally historic a gag, but works better.

It turns out Lady Majora’s big, stabby, go-getter husband is really not that different than his modern American counterpart. He’d much rather do a half-assed job, as is his right as an irate worker and disgruntled husband, than climb a sociopolitical ladder which may not hold his weight. Livia Drusilla, who Marge’s alter ego is based on, was indeed a poisoner, and was declared a god generations before her great, great, grandson Caligula declared himself one in a tyranny which begs contemporary comparison. Bartigula’s reign has the most relevant social commentary. He is a man-boy who rules by tantrum with an agenda forged on personal whim. Obeseus’ ignored warnings are as timely as the latest false news claim.

Those who don’t learn from history are destined to repeat it. Obeseus realizes he failed Rome, was a less than perfect father, was horrible to his friends and gives slave-owners a bad name. His ancient character has the most growth during the episode, but you wonder, how much he retains. When we flash to the present, the argument about attending any kind of corporate seminar is still unresolved, and the only lesson we learn comes from the curator himself. When will humanity ever learn to stop letting stupid people into museums? All historical points are missed, the same patterns are repeated, and The Simpsons have been at this for 32 seasons.

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“Wrapping it up and soon,” sayeth the gods at the end. They are correct in that the world would be better off under the kind of multi-god system the Romans had. So they may also be portending the twilight of The Simpsons. There are always rumors going around declaring each season its last, but this may be a decree from on high. “When in Rome you do like the Romans do,” the closing credits sing. The Roman Empire fell. Obesius probably laughed. “I, Carumbus” is a worthy entry in the archive of historic retellings for The Simpsons. It doesn’t quite hit classic status, though, in spite of any implied Fat Tony intimidation.

It is one of the many episodes which will get funnier on repeated viewings. It won’t produce more laughs, but the references will seem more clever. There is a little too much respect and consideration for history’s follies than the majority of episodes like this. The Simpsons needs to find a new way to be sloppy and peripherally damaging. They need to fray the fabric of society again, like something you’d find in Santa’s Little Helper’s mouth. The soft Christian ribbing is heartening. Subtle subversion is fun, but there seems like there were missed opportunities for blatant evisceration. Homer couldn’t even see the entrails.

The post The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 2 Review: I, Carumbus appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[kindabraveandlittlestupid]

Everyone needs a good cry. I am not saying I cry often but when I do it’s something worth crying over. I suppose I went through that same masculine numbness that men feel they should put on in their youth. As I got older and realized I could care less what other men think about me I tapped into that emotional depth more willingly exploring sadness and joy, compassion and love with more fervor. Of the things, I do cry about, one is my romantic entanglements (usually at an unwanted end to a relationship) and the second, is a good scene on the silver screen. Today I explore the latter of the two and share some things I cried about in the past because why the fuck not.

**Spoilers Below**

Rome - Titus Pollo Arena Scene

Possibly one of the greatest bromances on screen was that of Titus Pollo and Lucius Vorenus in the show Rome. Legionnaires of Ceasars Army they basically venture through the show as two men who start off as hating each other and slowly become brothers over the seasons. If you haven’t watched this show, I can't recommend this series enough.

The scene that pulled on my emotions comes after Titus had worked as a hired thug/debt collector and killed another man in cold blood for coin. He was eventually sentenced to death by arena combat and stood alone fighting a group of gladiators for his life. Being a veteran soldier and unique luck at avoiding death (which is a theme for Lucius and Titus for the series) he manages to dispatch various gladiators in the arena, all the while crying out “13″ for the Legion he was once apart of.

Meanwhile among the people watching is Lucius Vorenus who was raised up in political status and could not act to help his friend. His eyes burning with tears as he watched on watching the slow death of his friend. By the end of the scene a large gladiator steps out to kill Titus but Lucius is unable to watch any longer and joins his former brother in arms yelling out “13″ to kill the last Gladiator while breaking the law and his status as a newly anointed Senator.

If you do tackle this scene (which is linked above) I suggest watching the show first and develop a depth/understanding for these men relationships to one another. I perhaps blame the music for moving me to tears but its well-executed TV and remains unforgettable in my mind.

Farscape - The Death of Aeryn Sun

Perhaps my favorite scifi show of all time, Farscape. This show was pretty formulaic in regards to late 90′s to early 2000′s television but where this show did well was flexing its creative muscle by building an original universe and investing heavily into puppets instead of CG. Believe me, the work done here is the highest quality and does a better job making those alien puppets feel real then CG can presently muster.

If you watch this show you will find one of the best romantic arcs between two TV characters ever on TV. That is the relationship between the Earth Astronaut John Crichton and Peacekeeper Sebacean Aeryn Sun which was (in my opinion) a best-written love affair in TV history between a badass alien woman with superior genetics/combat training and an earth scientist/pilot who proves himself to be more clever and useful then his alien companions care to admit.

The scene that left my eyes wet was the Season 2 finale where John has a neural prob placed in his head that has both probing/collecting his memories but also introducing a second personality of his enemy that is slowly taking over his mind (this is a scifi show remember). As the second personality emerges it becomes more dominant and takes control of him for periods of time. Crichton losing control too this alien personality betrays his friends and tries to escape. Aeryn refusing to let John escape while possessed by this alien tech chases Crichton over an icy world only to be ambushed by him and driving his landing gear into her cockpit and forcing her to eject from her ship.

While it seems like she might land safely on the ground below she is actually over a lake of ice and Crichton assumes control of his mind again only to watch the woman he loves crash through the ice to submerge into a freezing lake. Crichton eventually lands and surrenders himself to the care of his friends before he hurt someone else and they all say their goodbyes to their dead friend while she lays in a cryogenic coffin to preserve her body.

I won't tell you what happens later as I don't want to spoil the show. It’s great TV that deserves to be watched from beginning to end. Like Rome its worth your time and I promise you its a fandom that is worth having in your wheelhouse of notable science fiction. 

Seven Years In Tibet - Returning the Watch

This was supposed to be a cinema post but here I am talking about TV shows and no movies yet! If you know movies (or more importantly books) you would have heard the title Seven Years In Tibet which is a true story about  Austrian mountaineer Heinrich Harrer who traveled across the globe to climb  Himalayan peak only to have World War 2 start and force him into a prison camp.

In the story, Heinrich escapes is prison and travels across Tibet with his ‘friend’  Peter Aufschnaiter trying not to be captured again and if at all possible work out a way to get back home. It’s a pretty amazing and moving tale in which a man who seeks renown and prestige for himself finds humility and maturity while taking residence in a Holy City next to a young Dalia Lama no less.

The particular scenes that made me emotional in this movie come in a set of two, one establishing the emotional payoff of the other. In the early part of the movie after Heinrich and Peter escaped their POW camp, they use watches to trade for goods and services to help them survive with the native people. Heinrich, still being a selfish individual, convinces Peter to sell a sentimental for some provisions they needed. Only after the trade takes place Peter discovers Heinrich had a dozen stolen watches stashed away which could have also been traded.

After a fair amount of time in the Holy City/Capital of Tibet, Lhasa. The two men grow as Peter falls in love with Tibetan woman and becomes more integrated into the Tibetan society and Heinrich serves as a sort of Western influence for the Dalai Lama sharing with the young spiritual leader his culture. Towards the end of the film, Heinrich and Peter celebrate Christmas (I believe) and Heinrich delivers the watch which he convinced Peter to barter away years before. It’s touching in the sense that while Heinrich was responsible for making Peter trade the watch away, he silently amended his wrongdoing by taking on a great effort to have the watch found in a country with thousands of people. This scene alone isn't so much about the relationship developed between the two men but rather forgiveness, personal growth and sentimental gestures with deep meaning.

Wall-E - Memory Erased

Wouldnt be a proper list without a Pixar movie making the cut somewhere on here. I know some people cried in the movie UP and I admit Inside Out had me at some moments itself but above all else, the movie Wall-E hit me right in the ticker when I watched it. If you don’t know what this movie is, then you should probably get out more because when it came out (like all Pixar movies) it was a big deal.

What makes this particular movie stand out in my mind isn't just the sad moment that pulls on your heart strings (which I will talk about) but also the fact the movie basically gets you to care about a character who has a limited set of words and portrays his emotions through tone and physical movements. Allowing a very physical interpretation of his personality. You have to admit that is a pretty clever animation to make the audience get so invested in a sentient machine.

The scene that really got to me was just at the end of the movie. As I stated above spoilers galore down here but this one sits at the end of the film so if you havent seen Wall-E I suggest stopping now... are you gone? Good only us movie watchers left. The scene, of course, is Wall-E having his memory reset. If you weren't ready for this scene it could fuck you up as I remember watching this in my room and having a few stray tears roll down my cheeks when EVA realized how much affection the little trash bot had for her only to find that he was reset back to factory settings.

Of course, Disney doesn't like movies with bad ends and let a small smark sharked between the two machines be the magical touch that perhaps allowed Wall-E to tap into his long-developed personality and allowed him to remember how into her he actually was. It's a cute movie and deserves its spot on this list along the rest.

The Wrap Up

That's all I care to write for now on this topic. It's basically the 4 biggest tearful moments I can think of. The Red Wedding would have made the list but honestly that filled me with Depression and Anxiety more then it did bring tears to my eyes. I may add more movies to this post later OR I might just make a part 2 post if more movies come to mind that pulled an emotional reaction from me. Thanks for reading. Thanks for letting me share. Now go watch some of these scenes.

Regards, Michael California

[bforbookslut]

Spartacus Reimagined as a Thracian Swordsmaiden in C. V. Wyk’s Blood and Sand – An ARC Review

I have given Blood and Sand by C. V. Wyk a ☆☆☆☆ rating. It is Book 1 of an untitled series. It belongs to the Young Adult Historical Fiction genre with some Fantasy. It is also a Retelling. Tor Teen publishes it. It will be published January 16, 2018.

The blurb reads:

The action-packed tale of a 17-year-old warrior princess and a handsome gladiator who dared take on the Roman Republic―and gave rise to the legend of Spartacus...

For teens who love strong female protagonists in their fantasy and historical fiction, Blood and Sand is a stirring, yet poignant tale of two slaves who dared take on an empire by talented debut author C. V. Wyk.

Roma Victrix. The Republic of Rome is on a relentless march to create an empire―an empire built on the backs of the conquered, brought back to Rome as slaves.

Attia was once destined to rule as the queen and swordmaiden of Thrace, the greatest warrior kingdom the world had seen since Sparta. Now she is a slave, given to Xanthus, the Champion of Rome, as a sign of his master’s favor. Enslaved as a child, Xanthus is the preeminent gladiator of his generation.

Against all odds, Attia and Xanthus form a tentative bond. A bond that will spark a rebellion. A rebellion that threatens to bring the Roman Republic to its end―and gives rise to the legend of Spartacus...

The story continues in Fire and Ash, coming in 2019 from Tor Teen.

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Happy book birthday to Blood and Sand by C. V. Wyk! I don’t usually publish my reviews on release day but I’ve had a rough couple of days, plus, I started a new internship and was unable to schedule the review accordingly. Nevertheless, here it is! As always, my reviews may contain spoilers. I say may because what’s a spoiler to you may not be a spoiler for me.

Despite what I’ve seen reviews says about Blood and Sand being a story written by someone who has watched the 300 movies and played too many war games, I liked it. Was I completely blown away? No. But did it excite me at every turn? Hell yeah, it did! It deserves four stars from me because it was very well-written with every scene flowing seamlessly into the next. I really loved that we know that Mount Vesuvius was going to erupt and every moment was just leading up to that.

Fair warning that I’m not familiar with the stories and legends of Spartacus and I went into Blood and Sand completely blind. So, I’ve reading this with very fresh eyes and have no complaints at all about the plot. Of course, I have not been called a bitch for absolutely no reason and as always, I have my complaints (coughwheresmytriggerwarningcoughs).

But first, let me tell you why I loved Blood and Sand.

It started off on such a high! I think everyone and their grandparents know that Spartacus was a slave. Blood and Sand wastes no plot time by jumping straight into the slave auction and the momentum builds with every turn of the page. It doesn’t stop. It just rises and rises and rises. I also really loved that Blood and Sand does not make it a story of the Chosen one. While to us readers, Spartacus is a chosen one and they lead the rebellion and all that jazz, Blood and Sand is the story of Attia, the Thracian slave girl. There are no prophecies and no legends to accompany her story.

And god, I’m so done with the Chosen one tropes that this was such a lovely breath of fresh air!

I was a little bit bothered by how quickly Attia and Xanthus fell in love. Don’t get me wrong, there was still some build-up and it was pretty logical but it happened all too fast. And soon, the story focused quite a bit on their romance, however fleeting it was.

“What would the Maedi warrior know about smiling?” he said against her lips as he pulled her closer.

“Not enough,” she murmured.

Wyk’s writing is also incredibly beautiful and poetic. I haven’t had so much pleasure in highlighting all the quotable material in my kindle in such a long time. And even though quoting from an ARC is ill-advised, I’m going to do it anyway because I loved it all.

“Xanthus had known strong women in his life, but not like her. Even if she hadn’t been one of the legendary Maedi, there was a brightness inside her, a core of fire that burned steadily beneath her scarred bronze skin.”

Character-wise, Attia is my favourite. She was such a badass and a take-no-shit kind of girl that I couldn’t help but root for her along the way. I loved that she’s not a character with a girly or feminine side, something that so many leading ladies fall into once they find the man of their dreams. War and revenge thrum in her veins and she’d rather hear the clang of swords that pretty music. Not one bit of that changes; not even when she meets Xanthus and falls madly in love with him. What also made Attia so great was she created her family when she didn’t have one, drawing people around her in and I find that so relatable cause that’s me. I’ll be like “oh my sweet summer child come here”.

Although, she’s a little bit of a special snowflake.

“She could see the anger etched into his soul as permanently as the scars on his skin.”

Xanthus, on the other hand, felt like he was a little all over the place. I loved that he didn’t want to kill but was so good at it solely because he needed to survive. But I couldn’t get more out of his personality. He loves Attia, he’s protective of the people he deems his family, but I couldn’t get more. That doesn’t mean I hate him though. He’s a perfect YA hero, romantic and brooding but also very respectful of Attia. Also, he’s very, very sexy.

“He didn’t even have a helmet, and the tips of his dark hair seemed to turn gold in the sun.”

And now, to the negatives:

I have to address the elephant in the room. WHERE ARE MY TRIGGER WARNINGS??? Blood and Sand was full of trigger material and I think we’ve gotten to a point where YA literature should always come with a warning whether on the book, on the website, anywhere for fuck’s sake! The official press release would be perfect.

Some trigger warnings for Blood and Sand are: rape, sexual abuse, domestic violence, self-harm

Yeah, I get that it’s a book set in those heinous times but???? I would love to not have to read uncomfortable scenes, please and thank you.

One thing that really got me about Blood and Sand was the sex, or rather, the lack of it. And even the lack of a fade to black! I find that the sex in YA fantasy novels is exactly like their genre, a fantasy. Exactly like the Rowan/Aelin love scene in Empire of Storms. Jeez. It’s always so magical and pretty and full of fancy language or like Blood and Sand, straight up imaginary. Where’s the clumsy? Where’s the fumbling? (And this is coming from a virgin lol whatdoiknow?)

Like come on, I think we can do something a little more realistic.

Blood and Sand is an amazing read, especially if you’re a fan of Roman history and retellings featuring a strong heroine. It was perfectly wrapped up in anticipation for the second instalment which we have to wait an entire year for without the typical annoying cliffhanger. Attia and Xanthus are well-written and you can’t help but want to root for them. Plus, you’ll want to read it because C. V. Wyk has a way with words that just draws you in to Attia’s world and makes you want to never leave.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with an ARC copy in exchange for an honest review. This review edition may differ from the final edition.

[booksbeyondimagining]

Invictus, by Ryan Graudin

Publish Date: September 26, 2017 Published by: Little, Brown Books for Young Readers Pages: 464 Genre: YA Sci-Fi My Rating: ★★★☆☆ (2.5 out of 5 stars)

**I received this as an ARC from the publisher at BookCon2017 in return for an honest review.**

Synopsis:

Time flies when you’re plundering history.

Farway Gaius McCarthy was born outside of time. The son of a time-traveling Recorder from 2354 AD and a gladiator living in Rome in 95 AD, Far’s birth defies the laws of nature. Exploring history himself is all he’s ever wanted, and after failing his final time-traveling exam, Far takes a position commanding a ship with a crew of his friends as part of a black market operation to steal valuables from the past.

But during a heist on the sinking Titanic, Far meets a mysterious girl who always seems to be one step ahead of him. Armed with knowledge that will bring Far’s very existence into question, she will lead Far and his team on a race through time to discover a frightening truth: History is not as steady as it seems.

My Review:

This book was such a highly anticipated read for me that I was determined to get it when I went to BookCon. Thieves and time travel? Yes please! I was so so excited for it – only to find that I kind of didn’t care for it at all.

The plot started off interestingly enough – introducing the characters, their circumstances, and how Far becomes the captain of a time ship with the intention of stealing from history. The world building was intriguing, but also confusing at times, with lots of new slang of the future that took some time getting used to. Graudin’s writing also felt kind of messy at times – with characters’ thoughts going off into confusing metaphors and tangents that only vaguely made sense. And the plot was a mixture of movement and slowness, with some great action scenes followed by long, dragging inner-character monologues and discussions about things happening in the plot. I felt that it went so quickly from being about thieving through time to having to save the world that I quickly lost interest in it – I signed up for thieves in a time machine! Sure, some world saving is fine, but I would have loved to see more of the heists that they apparently went on, because that is what drew me to this book in the first place.

Like I said, there was a lot of inner-character stuff that dragged the plot around most of the time, and while normally I love getting to know the characters more, I didn’t really feel like there was all that much I found interesting about them to really care when they started having these monologues. None of them really stood out from the page, except maybe Imogen for being such a fun and kind soul, but even then it wasn’t enough to make me love her. I also think part of it was that every chapter was told from a different point of view, and with each character having such a unique way of thinking and narrating, it was hard sometimes to go from one to another and get used to a new narration. They just each had a different beat and while that makes sense and they should, the constant jumps in perspective in this book just had my mind boggling for some reason.

In addition to the constant jumping back and forth between narrations, there were also some romances that I could have honestly cared less about. The one between Priya and Far was fine, and I actually kind of liked it that they were basically together from almost the start – didn’t have to deal with much drama there. But the one between Imogen and Gram? Felt unnecessary and forced just because of their close proximity. Yes, it was cute, but I just didn’t need it. And I really don’t think the plot did either.

In all honesty, I almost didn’t finish it. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I had only a hundred pages left by the time I felt thoroughly done with it, I might have. But at that point I figured I might as well finish it. (This was at the point where the ending became so utterly predictable I barely needed to read it to know what was going to happen.) It was overall an okay read, but kind of disappointing in its plotline, with characters that didn’t really stand out and writing that just felt a like a little bit of a struggle to follow sometimes.