#i hate it. i havent told her i told them i didnt wanna work clinic hours because she'd drill me about why

[gemharvest]

Hate thissss I feel like I haven't been properly productive today (somehow posting two art things Doesn't register properly in my mind) so I wanna stay up to get as much as I can down, but I also need to go to sleep in case I'm called in tomorrow because fuuuuuck going to work on little sleep that shit sucks. But also, the possibility of being called in makes me wanna stay up even more, so I can finish art in case I don't have time tomorrow. So now I'm sat up at 12:30 tired as shit but unable to draw or go to bed. The never-ending cycle of hell.

[perfectlovekillsallfear87]

2 days off in a row.

this is my first day off without Lance here.  I’ve been with Lance since 2017.  we havent had the easiest of relationships. a lot of drunken fights. break ups and make ups.  everything got ok when he got since and we both stopped drinking.  just a warning for those who drink. please be aware of the damage it can do to your liver and your life.  Lance is so sick that he cant even get out of bed. Which is why he finally wanted to go to the hospital. dont get me wrong. he’s been in and out of the hospital since he got sick. but they really couldnt do anything to help. we were waiting for his appt in phx. but since this virus hit, it was canceled and we were told to wait til september. which i didnt want. cause he was getting worse everyday.  so on tuesday i finally took him to the clinic and they took him to the local hospital where has been staying. due to the virus i am unable to see him. and that sucks.  but he has his phone, switch and his tablet to keep him occupied. thankfully he can keep in touch with me via texts.  he seems to be doing better there. which is nice because I wanted him to be watched and taken care of by people who know what their doing. 

i love Lance. and i wouldnt abandon him. even though there has been many fights about it. he wanted to break up with me so I wouldnt have to deal with him. but i told him to stop. i will not leave him during this time. i know we’ll get through this.  but emotionally i have left. i sought out Shea.  lance isnt the emotional type. we never really talk about our feelings. which is why i was overjoyed when Shea actually listened to me when I spoke to him. and it was easy to talk to him and not have him pass any judgement.  im stuck in the middle right now. it feels like anyways. but if i take a step back its a no brainer that i should be with lance. shea flat out said nothing will come of us. but theres a part of me the believes the opposite.  it sucks not working. cause i just sit and all these damn thoughts go through my head and my heart and i get overwhelmed fast. and i have no one to talk to about this.  i promised shea i would tell anyone. so i wont.  its friday. which means sheas off for the weekend.  so im hoping he will sneak away and talk to me.  i understand he cant always say anything to me. but then again you can make time for someone. send a quick text saying maybe “i miss you” or “im thinking about you” it doesnt take much to make me happy.  his wife isnt at work with him. so i dont understand why he cant send me a message while hes there.  i legit took 2 different naps today. its that boring.  theres nothing to watch. at least for me to stay interested in.  usually i talk to lance or im making him something to eat or to drink.  now that i dont have that, i feel bored. theres nothing for me to do.  im usually getting my clothes ready for work, but this week surprisingly i have 2 days off in a row. which i was hoping that shea would take advantage of. but he did it the other night which i wasnt ready for. i guess it just sucks when you want that to be a daily thing, but gotta wait for when hes ready. i hate waiting. i really do. im very impatient.  OMG i am so tempted to go to circle k to buy something to drink. like maybe 3 shooters. i wanna get a little tipsy. but do i really wanna ruin my sobriety because im bored??  what else is there for me to do?? nothing. i have no friends and even if i did. we couldnt do anything cause everyones social distancing.  tbh i was surprised that shea wanted to see me. i would be afraid to see anyone other than the 2 people i live with. i take this virus seriously.  when shea told me he was in trouble yesterday. i wonder in what way. did his wife know he was with me? does she worry if anything will start up again between us? could she smell that he had had sex in the car? or on him? could she smell me on his shirt? i have no idea. i have her blocked on my facebook and instagram. and that was before i even started talking with shea again. i have a lot of stalkers on the interwebs and its just better off if i block them off the bat.  i have nothing else to really type out and get out there. i cant stop thinking about shea and wondering if he’ll text me. thats what broke me the last time this happened. he basically ghosted me and thats when I got mad and told his wife. i dont wanna do that. i wanna keep this going. for as long as i can.  some people look at shea and she a dork. hes almost a redhead. with glasses. freckles. he has a dad bod. a little belly but i like it. he has tattoos. an amazing smile. his voice is probably the favorite thing about him that I love. im getting wet just picturing him in my head. i think its funny when we make out, our glasses hit together and they get smudged up as well, lol.  when I sat in his ride. i was shy. he told me to stop it. and said “are you gonna hold my hand or what?” i took his hand. and as soon as i felt his warm strong fingers curl up and close around my hand. i felt so safe. i missed his touch so much. in that moment i felt like a year didnt even pass.  the only thing i didnt want to hear was him ask me why i did what i did. i told him i didnt know. and that i was sorry. he wasnt upset with me anymore and he made that clear. he told me he wanted to keep this going with me. he said if i didnt say anything. we couldve still been together. and a year wouldnt have had to pass to do this again. but all that didnt matter anymore. we were there in that moment. and he said to make the most of it. i fucked everything up. so i cant be mad about it.  i want a whole day with him. i wanna cuddle and feel safe again.  Shea, if you ever by change find this blog. dont be mad. i just needed a place to get my thoughts out. Im madly in love with you. you have no idea. it sucks that life brought you to me so late. so so so late. sometimes i wonder what wouldve happened if i met you first or sooner.  anyways. i think its time for me log off. already got myself emotional and dont wanna feel sorry for myself.  see ya tomorrow blog. pretty sure nothings going to happen tonight. 

laters.