#i had smth cut out of my foot when i was younger that idk the name of in english but i can confirm the local anaesthesia part

[on-fic-writing-spree]

I’m gonna write?? A shit load of things I do down and uh can anyone tell me if these are normal things or not cause god I fucking hate not knowing and it tears me apart sometimes cause I really think there’s something wrong with me but I can’t say WHATS wrong with me and I hate not knowing but

Shit I do that honestly leads me to believe I have OCD or something at least:

I get into these weird moods where anytime I do something to one part of my body, I feel a need to do it to an opposite corresponding part. Even sometimes when it’s painful (mildly painful, I luckily haven’t gotten into these moods and seriously injure myself). If I don’t do it right I have to do it again. For example, if I tap my left first finger on something, I either have to tap all my fingers on my left hand, or my right finger. If my foot hits a wire, I have to hit my other foot on it. If I feel something under my nail and scrape my thumb under that nail, I have to repeatedly do it to each of my nails until it feels “right.”

If something doesn’t shut “right” I have to reshut it.

I can’t drink out of a cup anymore without rinsing it out. I standardly do this three times.

This one is kinda about something more personal but at one point we had bed bugs more recently (within the past two years I’ll give vaguely) and they were a huge pain to get rid of. When I was younger, the houses we lived in were real shit and they were far from clean (meaning yes there were bugs, this was when I was super young) and when I was a really little kid??? It never bothered me. But then when I had found out we had bed bugs and it was just such a pain in the ass to get rid of them, I couldn’t sleep, I straight up sat on my dresser all night and waited until morning. Then I’d tear apart my room, excessively vacuum, sweep, pour rubbing alcohol down all before I told my mom they were still there (my mom actually caught me tearing apart my bed frame to try and pour rubbing alcohol on it) and I just?? Broke the fuck down. Really badly. My mom bought heaters and we’ve rid ourselves of that problem luckily, but it absolutely?? Tore me the fuck apart, and that’s something I’ve developed rather than always felt.

Dirt under my nails (or anything) drives me nuts

Certain sounds or feelings make me grit and grind my teeth they feel awful

Textures in food fuck me up. Like any sort of seasoning that doesn’t dissolve besides pepper fucks me the fuck up when I’m trying to eat. I can’t swallow it. It isn’t like it doesn’t taste good, I can’t swallow it if the texture isn’t right.

Textures also fuck me up in terms of weird ass shit like my tomatoes have to be an exact firmness that’s consistent for the whole tomato or I won’t fucking touch it.

Intrusive thoughts and nightmares. They’re fucking bad. They’re really fucking bad and I can spend so long obsessing over them. Other times I have nightmares that I’m just so desensitized to that I don’t even react. Some of them I genuinely don’t think I could even say out loud because they were that terrifying and sickening.

If I touch raw meat, I wash my hands so many times. I actually once tried to keep count, and I washed my hands 7 times in the span of 10 minutes (and that’s what I could keep track of).

If anything touches anything that may have touched raw meat, it has to be cleaned twice, and I have to wash my hands. For example, if spill a little flour on the counter while making fried chicken, I have to wipe down the counter once to get off the flour, a second time with an anti bacterial cleaner (usually I do this more than once though). If a knife might have touched the bag that held a marinade (despite not getting the marinade on it) it has to be washed twice. I wash all dishes that involved raw meat twice.

Usually I don’t freak out about things that aren’t cleaned until I really notice them. My anxiety spikes while I clean, so while I’m wiping down the stovetop, I notice some grime on the handle bars, then I notice it at the edges of the oven, then I realize the whole front hasn’t been cleaned, and next thing I know I’ve been cleaning the stove for two hours and I can’t stop cleaning other things in the kitchen, constantly telling myself “it’s just this and this... and this... and that... and this...” and it drives me nuts if I get sent to bed before I can finish.

I’ve literally?? Started crying because my sister put something in some spot in the fridge and I was like “why would you put that there” and she was like “idk if you don’t like it do it yourself” and really I didn’t so I just started recognizing the fridge.

Yesterday: I drank out of a water bottle, not sure if it was mine or not, I glanced it and honestly I have no clue if it was air bubbles or backwash, but I immediately start gagging. So I go brush my teeth (with way too much toothpaste, and way too rough) and then rinse my mouth out 5 times, then go back out, get a new water bottle and rinse out my mouth until I am certain (you know how saliva is like more slimy than water??) that I only have water in my mouth. As if ANY OF THIS affects that I already drank the damn water.

Another weird thing I did recently: my cousin was doing my makeup, and she was using this homemade (as in like one of those DIY makeup kits) lipstick except she mentioned she had put the coloring from a nail polish in it and she got a little on my teeth. I couldn’t swallow my spit for about an hour, constantly spitting into the trash, and she had suggested maybe I just get a cup to spit into (the kid is a genius). It was a kid’s makeup kit!!! There’s nothing harmful in that shit!!! Anyway I ended up brushing my teeth several times and then forcing myself to swallow after rinsing out my mouth several times.

Sometimes people’s existence??? Just bothers the fuck out of me. Like my brother will be standing in the kitchen when I’m doing dishes, a few feet away and doing nothing, and his mere existence is just enough to piss me off. I just don’t think that’s normal???

After I wash the dishes, I have to wash my hands. Like my hands were just in soapy water?? Is there a point??

Despite all of this, I can’t keep my room clean for shit, but I know my makeup has to be organized in a specific way.

I get paranoid as shit that I’m going to hurt people, or that people will hurt themselves around me. Like there will be a knife somewhere near by and my brain will deadass think it’s going to drop and cut someone, so I MUST shove it back even though it wasn’t on the edge.

I once cried?? Because someone sent me a picture of a cup teetering on the edge of a table and god fuck??? I couldn’t stop?? It was so ridiculous???

I can’t write using pencils without a perfectly flat surface. I mean like textbook top kind of thing. Or if I’m drawing, I can use a mechanical one. But otherwise?? If I’m writing on top of wood?? Or desks that are made of that granite shit with the littlest texture differences?? No I can’t I have to write in pen and I’ve gotten in trouble from teachers for this

I don’t know. There’s more I’m sure. But like?? Can anyone with OCD or who shows a lot of these symptoms actually tell me if this is normal or if this is smth that’s actually not okay up with me? Cause idk it really fucks me up not knowing because I feel like there HAS to be an explanation???

[vanillastudies]

Question Tag

rules: answer the 92 questions and tag 20 people

I was tagged by @study-the-past tysm!

since there were so many questions i put them under the cut

Last...

drink: water

phone call: my mom

text message: “do you have a bike helmet?” 

song you listened to: uhhh im listening to Bruno Mars Radio on pandora rn

time you cried: i was watching the OA (great show) and this guy was describing the effect ALS had on his wife (my grandpa died of als)

Have you...

dated someone twice: never even dated anyone lmao

kissed someone and regretted it: no

been cheated on: impossible as ive never been in a relationship

lost someone special: yes

gotten drunk and thrown up: no

List 3 fav colors

burgundy, teal, light blue

In the last year have you...

made new friends: yes

fallen out of love: What is love? (baby don’t hurt me)

laughed until you cried: several times- it’s very easy to get me to cry when i laugh

found out someone was talking about you: I came to a realization that I exist to people outside of just seeing them so like, yeah but not in a bad way?

Met someone who changed you: probably not

found out who your friends are: yea

kissed someone on your facebook list: ew no they’re all relatives

General

how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: all of them

Any pets: my dog Jackson :)

Do you want to change ur name: u know, I don’t exactly love mine but I also can’t imagine going by another name

What did you do for your last birthday: I was on an orchestra trip on my birthday and didn’t realy celebrate it but then when I came home my parents surprised me with chinese food and cake :) (and presents ofc) and my aunt took me to get pedicures

what time did you wake up: 10:00, but i prob wouldve woken up later if my dad wasn’t blasting country music downstairs

what were you doing at midnight last night: trying to sleep

Something you can’t wait for: gee idk im a p patient person but I guess going to Europe after senior year?

when was the last time you saw your mom: like 30 seconds ago

one thing you wish you could change in your life: as a studyblr I’d probably say my study space. My house is really loud and as someone who needs basically absolute silence to consentrate, there’s not really a good place for me to do homework there. So I guess I’d like to be able to go to the library more (except I need my licence for that)

listening to rn: Animal by álvaro soler

Ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah, he was this annoying guy in my middle school orchestra

Something getting on your nerves: my dad’s insistence on playing country music

most visited websites: tumblr, ao3, school website (for grades)

Other info About myself

moles: none

marks: I have a red splotchy birthmark on the right side of my foot, and a few chicken pox scars if thats what ur looking for

childhood dream: i have a hard time recollecting many memories and thoughts from childhood but probably to be an author or sth

hair color: dark brown

long or short hair: short hair definitely! long is so hard to manage (although it’s easier to do cute hairstyles)

do you have a crush on someone: does a celebrity crush count? Fictional characters?

what do you like about yourself: I love my eyes, and also my nails? Idk that’s a weird thing to like but they’re very paintable

piercings: just the standard one on the lobes of my ears

blood type: i have no idea

nickname: kenzie is a nickname, or kenz. I’m not really a nickname person

relationship status: single

zodiac: taurus

pronouns: she/her 

favorite tv show: ahh there are so many good ones! Prob Gilmore Girls, Sherlock, and The Good Place as my top three

tattoos: none, but id like to maybe get a flower tattoo or sth when im older

right or left handed: left

surgery: none

hair dyed a different color: I bleached the underside back in the beginning of april

sport: i literally just quit swim team so none i guess

vacation: ik ive already talked about this but im really excited for my europe trip in 2 years!

sneakers: i have one pair that i wear and they’re these awesome nike skateboard shoes

More General

eating: rn im not eating anything but for dinner im having chicken and baked beans

favorite thing to eat: a local grocery store sells this amazing sushi that ive found in few other places- it has a good sauce and cruchy stuff on it

drinking: water

im about to: eat dinner

waiting for: dinner (im rly hungry ok)

want: uhhh now im thinking abt food but aside from that i want some zebra mildliners and the grayscale tombow brush pens. Also some cozy sweaters and sweatshirts

get married: i dont think so, but i have a while until i’ll have to start thinking abt that

career: smth in law or politics? 

Hugs or kisses: hugs

lips or eyes: probably eyes

shorter or taller: shorter, but I love when tall friends lean on me

older or younger: if we’re talking abt relationships then neither??? otherwise i prefer talking to ppl older than me 

sensitive or loud: i consider myself sensitive but im prob more loud

hook up or relationship: relationship bc im a minor

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, definitely

Have your ever...

kissed a stranger: no

drank hard liquor: just a sip

lost glasses/contact lenses: glasses, yeah (how do u lose contact lenses)

turned someone down: nobody’s ever asked me out, but on other things yeah

sex on the first date: ew no

broken someones heart: not that i know of

had your heart broken: no

been arrested: no

cried when someone died: yeah

fallen for a friend: maybe a small crush? but not like in love

do you believe in...

yourself: i guess...

miracles: only like, metaphorically, not religious miracles

love at first sight: no

santa claus: no??? why

kiss on the first date: no

other

current best friend name: chase :)

eye color: light blue

favorite movie: rn it’s definitely spider man: homecoming omg i cant wait to see it again

Now tag 20 ppl

alrighty @rainbowdrink @gloomstudy @coffeeandcommerce and anybody who wants to! (this is a lot of questions, I don’t want to burden anybody with this responsibility that doesn’t want to lmao)