#i had literally gone last week bc they had been hurting (for yrs) and then i go and fuck them up again the same week

[mandana-the-service-pup]

You guys. My blood pressure has been incredibly normal for 5 days. And I can hardly believe it but my heart rate hasn’t gone above 120s at all in the last couple days. I still have a lot of symptoms like fatigue, pain, etc but I’m so bewildered. I literally just woke up one day w/o POTS like what?!

Average Day VS Today

Over the last yr my daily average max HR has increased from 130-150s to 170-190s. In October & December I had three separate episodes that felt like a heart attack but ekg didn’t show a heart attack. Blood pressure has been 140/90 (daily high) with a max measured at 197/96. Then I just wake up one day and my heart rate is 50-120s and my blood pressure is consistently 110s/80s and it’s not show any signs of getting worse?!?!

Here is my current theory:

Back in like 2018 I was really struggling with a lot of things. Besides HR problems I was having issues with nocturia (TMI // waking up multiple times to pee at night). My dr at the time put me on fludrocortisone. It helped retain some of my blood volume which slightly improved some of my POTS symptoms and stopped the nocturia. I completely forgot I even had that symptom until October of this year when a Cardiologist took me off the fludrocortisone. Besides worsening my typical symptoms, the nocturnia immediately came back and no amount of management was helping.

On Jan 14th? 2023 I decided to use my service dogs red laser therapy jacket (Spectra Laser Therapy XL jacket) to help with my back pain. Long story short the vet recommended red laser therapy for a muscle strain in Mandanas back and it has helped her immensely. I thought maybe my EDS was causing my lower back to hurt at night, so on a whim I decided to sleep on top of the laser jacket (low lvl laser with programmed intervals meant to be used for hours at a time) to see if it would help. Not only did it help the back pain which I had expected but since that first night of using it the nocturia has been completely gone. I’ve been able to go 2-3 days without using it without the nocturia coming back and it seems like the more days I use it the more permanent the results are becoming and the longer I can go between uses. I’ve been using it on & off for two weeks and five days ago I noticed my blood pressure & heart rate have started to stabilize.

The tricky part is that due to a ruptured fibroid that could have caused the heart crisis in Oct-Dec I had to go on birth control (Slynd) to try to get my bleeding under control. I was on it for a couple months and just stopped taking it. I didn’t see any change in my blood pressure or heart rate when I started Slynd so I don’t know why stopping it would suddenly fix everything but I wanted to mention this bc I stopped taking it after the nocturnia was solved but about the time the blood pressure & heart rate got better. Because there are multiple variables I have no way of knowing if it’s the red laser therapy that has helped or if its some how related to the short course of birth control.

I’m not trying to claim some magical cure, but y’all have watched me struggle every day for almost three years on Tumblr. I cannot ignore this sudden turn of events simply bc it’s too unbelievable. I’ll keep posting updates as they come. I’m afraid to get my hopes up but this proves my body is capable of functioning normally and that is incredibly encouraging.

Also, when I first got my diagnosis of POTS years ago I was told by the specialist that sometimes people just wake up cured and we have no idea why. It sounds like a fairytale but after the week I’ve had I’m beginning to believe it might be real.

[noorengels]

reasons i am sad (friendship edition)

in year 4 my best friend invited everyone to her birthday party and not me and they all actually kept it a secret really well they almost pulled it off except she held her party in la plaza which basically is the hangout spot for families in that area i spent all my fridays there playing until midnight bc literally everyone from school would go. so i was walking home with my entire family inc grandparents and uncles and we went through la plaza and there they were! every single one of my friends at her party! apparently her mum didnt let her invite me bc apparently i hit her which i didn’t i hit another girl so her excuse is invalid and its the first time ive been so publicly excluded i cried on a bench.

in year 7 we hated this girl bc she was so fake i genuinely believe she is a psychopath like she has all the symptoms except shes in set 5 maths lol so my friend was like what if i spread a rumour about her and i was like lol do it and she did and for some reason i was blamed??? and lost all of my friends and she bullied me so hard but i didnt realise bc i was “friends” with her bc our mums were friends so shed like walk with me to lessons and talk to me while belittleing me and idk she was just a fucking bitch she made me feel so horrible like it was emotional bullying but also like telling everyone who i liked and saying lmao you literally have no friends “count how many friends you have? omg you literally cant even reach ten can you???” like in front of everyone but then shed also be really nice to me at the same time like idk it was like she was my friend but she bullied me it was so horrible saffa i hate you and the original friend who spread the rumour went on to become her best friend for like 6 years so uh hate that

managed to make friends with people not in my class in year 8! which sucked bc saffa had alienated people in my class so now they all just didnt like me i was the weird girl with no friends because of her and it was so horrible bc id always be forced to join the ready made groups between friends by the teacher  bc i didnt have a group to work with or id get paired with the weird girl like i was only the weird girl after saffa made everyone hate me this girl was weird bc she just is idk 

in year 10 they made a gc without me! i basically created that group tho like i gathered these friends i hade made in different lessons (obviously not in my main class lol) and they literally just??? decided to exclude me for no reason. and then theyd talk about what they talked about in the gc in front of me like “omg remember last night on the gc” isha ur so fucking boring no normal person talks about their gc with the same people again do u have no other conversational points smh

in year 11 it got so bad to the point where once i sat with them and they all just left! like they took their stuff and moved to the table behind me i wanted to cry so bad i did at home i think its the worst one out of all of these because it happened to my face? idk saffa was horrible too but this was just “were leaving” idk like ive never felt as horrible as i did in that moment i cant even describe how im feeling rn reliving it

its okay bc i made friends with my best friend from sciences + history bc our surnames are next to each other so we always sat together! i honestly clung to this girl after that bc i refused to spend a second longer with that other group after 3 years of enduring not even being liked by ur friends so i made friends with her friends which was easy bc yes! 

so by the first term of year 12 i had three friends! in fact one of them was like ur not having a birthday party??? im taking u out to eat so my first birthday event thing in literally years was all thanks to arun i am honestly so grateful for him he didnt even go bc he was busy and we planned it the day before my birthday but it was literally me and two friends eating pizza at zizzis and im crying so much rn but year 12 was when i found people who genuinely cared about me

we established a group of like 8 lol and were planning a holiday for the end of year 13! very skam of us! we had a gc and everything! we were gonna go to spain bc im spanish so i could speak!

this trip was unspoken of in year 13 and i was like lol kinda weird um okay but nope nothing weird about it they just created a chat without me and were still going to spain!!! one of them even sent me screenshots of their airbnb to translate its like u want me to know lol

i did complain to one of them but thats it i was just hurt on my own and coronavirus happened so it got cancelled anyways so i won really

in yr 13 i also got closer to this boy called adam! i remember my friend was like you two would get on so well idk why ur not friends and i was like idk its adam lol do i really want to and yes i did bc he is in fact the isak to my sana! but anyways i hate him but i love him we have that kinda friendship where were alwAYS trying to beat the other one up and honestly the most heart felt goodbye when schools shut was between us both bc at first we were fighting and then he just stopped and his eyes softened and i was like whats wrong with you why arent u punching me and he went come here and we hugged and its like wow despite being a dick ill miss you

anyways so uhhh quarantine we skyped often it was fun and then restrictions were lifted i went to spain and the second i land they all stop talking in the gc????? like im abroad not dead why are u creating a new one??? this gc was agressively spammed so i know for a fact theres another im not stupid

i come back from spain and theyre like can we meet!!! we meet three weeks later and theyr like i missed u so much im so happy uou came i love you and it felt really genuine like they genuinely missed me

two days later i find out through snapchat theyve all gone on holiday together!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of them and just ofc didnt invite me they went to the beach for two days and kept posting about it and im so bitter about it like bro???????? why so secretive????? like i cried so much when i saw bc they still just idk why does every single friendgroup ive ever been in exclude me like i must be the problem theres no other explanation for it i am not the kind of person people want to have around i am so funny but im a bitch and will come for ur ass because i have the inability to lie i have no filter either which i know makes them dislike me i know it does but thats the price you oay for being my friend i just say things as it is becauxe i hate secrets bc secrets are always about excluding me so i rather be honest and upfront but that clearly puts people off bc im too upfront and im not getting a personality transplant im not tryna be boring but im so sick of always being the one on her own

adam was relevant uh hews my only friend rn he checked up on me the other day so cheers adam for making sure im not completely isolated

the funny thing is that all my friends hate adam bc “hes a dick” hes not he just says things how it is were so similar so if they hate adam they hate me and im over being hated lol bye!

i start uni next week and i clearly have no social skills so im not gonna make friends im so scared of being lonely i hate being left out

this went from sad to full on angry like i was crying at some point and now im fuming like im so hot rn my blood pressure isnt doing okay

[okaybutlikeimagine]

The shovel talk prompt is so cute. I was wondering if you could do one where the kids or Joyce gives billy a shovel talk since Steve’s dad defiantly wouldn’t do it.

(heyo dears, the post we’re talking about is right here!)

I fuckin love this and you KNOW they both would but in very very different ways.

Bc with Joyce, it’s still very motherly and a lot more gentle than Hop, but also Extremely Serious.

Bc i like to think Joyce has known Steve since he was a very little kid. Like… her kids have always gone to school together and she went to school w/ Steve’s parents. and she doesn’t really like steve’s parents like… at ALL. and she kind of thought Steve was mean (bc he was, guys. Love our babe, he’s a gem, but 1st season he was a jerkwad w/ little to no self awareness and that’s why i love his growth bc he was a teenage boy who grew from his mistakes and i love that for him♥) but he’s softened up in the past year and he babysits all of the kids and it just means a lot to her. She knows she can trust Will in the hands of Steve and that will forever and always mean the world.

And of COURSE she knows she can trust Billy too, but she’s known Steve longer and she’s watched him grow up and she’s seen the way he’s grown and she’s just… so proud of him. She’s so incredibly proud of him. He’s such a good kid and he has a good heart and Billy is also a very good kid with a very good heart (and she will defend that stance till the day she dies) but he can be a bit… rough. She knows it. He’d probably admit to it too. He’s just a little rough and tough and Steve is a very soft boy and Joyce worries.

So she definitely sits Billy down and talks to him about it. She puts a motherly hand on his knee like she always does when she has serious talks with him. She’s very gentle about bringing Steve up.

And then she squeezes his knee a little tighter than normal and says: “Now don’t do anything to harm Steve, alright? Because you’ll have a lot of upset people on your hands, and one of them will be me.”

She’s stern. Billy just kind of… laughs nervously.

But the KIDS… ohgod guys, the kids.

The kids would devote their lives to protecting Steve if they needed to. I’m thinking that Knight guard at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade who loyally guards the grail w/ his life. I’m thinking of them forming a transformer like thing, all of them becoming a different part of the body so they can ward off evils and wrongdoers. I’m thinking something along the lines of London Tipton’s father’s body guards who form a literal blockade around him so you never see his face. Like, imagine these lil children banding together to form a little square around Steve, blocking him from the rest of the world so that no one can touch him or even look at him w/o going through them first. (There’s a scene where London dances w/ her dad except the body guard dudes don’t really move so she’s just holding his hands and all of the body guard dudes are moving side to side as they dance and it’s Hilarious and i just want to put that image into your heads but w/ the kids around Steve and Billy pouting bc whythefuck isn’t he allowed to see him goddamn boyfriend???)(anyway, i digress)(and might be making some references you don’t understand goodness i’m so sorry)

okaY so the kids are all at Mike’s house playing DnD or being dorks or whatever it is 14 yr olds do in a group alone. Or at least, that’s what Billy thinks. He’s really not sure what’s going on, he doesn’t pretend to understand their little shenanigans, he listened to Will rant about DnD character types for about 2 hours last week and his brain still feels a little fried by it so he just…….. He lets it be. All he needs to know is when to drop them off, when to pick them up, and when to tune them out just enough to where he doesn’t feel like a total jackass. Really, only w/ Will though bc Will is his favorite and he’d never wanna upset Will.

Anyway, he’s at Mike’s house, knocking on the door, here to pick Will and El up, when Mike opens the door and ushers him inside immediately.

“Hi Billy come in! We uhhh… we need you to help us… decide something.” Mike says lamely. Billy’s so unconvinced it’s insane.

“Decide something? Seriously? Since when have you nerds ever wanted my opinion on anything?”

“Well uh… this is a weird situation and we need your help.” Dustin says in what he probably thinks is sweet but to Billy is actually just very irritating, but he turns his attention to Dustin anyway.

Billy rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. “Whatever, what do you need?”

“Uhhhhhhh…. Now Mike!”

And suddenly, Billy’s world is black and very fabric-y. He’s been blindfolded. It’s very dumb and Mike probably would have struggled if he wasn’t Billy’s exact height so Billy starts wriggling and struggling and reaching for the blindfold when he feels someone grab his hand.

“It’s alright, Billy. We’re just going downstairs.” Will’s calm, soft voice says as he pulls him in some direction. Billy follows with a lot less struggle. He doesn’t wanna hurt Will.

And in a few minutes, Billy’s being pushed into a chair. He’s pretty sure he hears voices quietly bicker over tying him up but the consensus seems to be a “no” on that one bc soon he’s gaining sight again.

His vision clears from it’s blinded blur to see a kid w/ a mop of curly hair in front of his face.

“Hello Billy.” He says like he’s intimidating or something.

“Hi Billy!” El says extremely cheerfully. Dustin turns his head to shush her.

“El! Sh! We’re supposed to be intimidating!”

“Ohhhhh…. Intimidating?”

Max chimes in. “Like, scary.”

“Oh!” El says in understanding, making her best angry face and thinking way too hard and, very suddenly, exploding a lightbulb. She shrieks.

“Sorry…”

“It’s alright El.” Will says kindly, walking towards a closet. “Mike’s mom keeps extra lightbulbs in the closet.”

“Will!” Mike hisses “We’re busy right now!”

Will hits Mike with a silencing look. “I think you guys can handle this.”

Mike pouts. “Why are none of you helping us?” He looks to the corner where Max and Lucas are sitting, Lucas on the arm of a lounge chair and Max on the seat.

“We’re… supervising.” Lucas says over a sip of his soda.

“Yeah, we’re just making sure this dumbass doesn’t get murdered for being stupid.” Max says, gesturing to Dustin who makes a very loud noise of indignation. Max shrugs.

And Billy?? Is tired as all hell. Kinda just wants to leave. Really, he could leave and these little twerps probably wouldn’t even notice. They didn’t tie him down or anything, he’s just sitting in a chair watching these children fumble like idiots trying to be intimidating.

But…. he indulges them. He thinks it’s kind of entertaining. Sure, he could be doing a lot more w/ his day, but seeing these kids be dumb is still vaguely enjoyable. Plus, he likes El and Will and Max and he thinks sitting here for their sake might be worth it maybe.

So he sits and he watches and he listens to Mike and Dustin bicker about how to “interrogate a witness”

“We’re not interrogating him, we’re intimidating him!”

“Well you gotta use the same tactics, right?”

To the point where Max heaves a bit sigh and shoves them aside so she’s standing in front of Billy, sitting in her hip w/ her arms crossed.

“Alright Billy, look. We know you’re dating Steve. And we’re fine with you dating Steve.” She gives a hard look to Mike and Dustin, who look about to chime in w/ opinions of their own, but wither under Max’s gaze. “All we’re saying is we need to set some ground rules here.” Max says as she turns back to Billy. “Number one-”

“Don’t hurt Steve!” Dustin all but screams, causing Max to sigh with a roll of her eyes.

“Alright, yes. Rule number one: Don’t hurt Steve.  He’s like… family at this point. He’s super cool and nice to all of us and we care about him so don’t hurt him.”

“Or else I’ll hurt you!” Dustin pipes up again LOUDLY.

“Or Dustin will talk your ear off and probably accidentally spit on you while he does it.” Max says to a chorus of snickers and one very loud “Hey!” from the subject of her teasing.

“Rule number two: don’t be too…. Gross around us.” Max makes a face. “Like, if we have to witness you two kissing more than once a week, that’s excessive.”

At that is where Billy scoffs. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. at least for those of us who don’t live with you. And Number three: I don’t wanna hear ANYTHING about you guys… sleeping together.”

Everyone audibly gags at the thought. Billy is full on laughing now.

“Wow, such a kid you can’t even say the word fu-”

“NONE OF IT. Not even in passing or anything bc you guys accidentally talk too loud. I don’t want to be subjected to any of that.” Max is adamant about it, sealing it with a punch to his shoulder. Billy just puts his hands up in defeat.

“Yeah, fine, whatever. Like I wanna talk about my sex life with a bunch of twerps.”

Billy is thoroughly entertained by the faces of the kids, all looking absolutely mortified, Will’s face blushing like crazy, El’s head tilted bc she doesn’t understand.

Billy gives Max a look.

“Can I go now?”

Max shrugs, eyebrows furrowed bc she’s mad she had to hear the word sex come out of her brother’s mouth. He’s so grossly brazen all the time.

“Yeah, whatever. Just be nice to Steve.”

Billy pats his own knees and gets up, gesturing to El and Will to follow him.

“Let’s go, punks.” He says, the two of them following, Will’s face still red and El’s eyes a little less confused bc she doesn’t really care anymore. They say goodbye to their friends before following Billy out the door.

The three of them leave behind 2 very loud and complaining boys (Mike and Dustin), but it sounds like Max puts them in their place. Billy chuckles as he slips into his car.

[beauzoleils]

ABIGAIL  COWEN ,  CISFEMALE ,  SHE / HER    →   according  to  the  school  records ,  NATALIE  LUCILLE  BEAUSOLEIL  has  been  attending  sacred  heart  for  the  past  three  years .  i  last  saw  them   hanging  around  the  john  bracken  library  ;  i  think  they  were  working  on  writing  her  novel .  at  twenty - one  years  old ,  natalie  has  been  studying  english  literature  and  get  this ,  i   heard  that  she’ll  zone  out  while  writing  papers  for  class  and  come  to  surrounded  by  pages  and  pages  full  of  archaic  languages  she  doesn’t  speak   —   figure  it’s  true ?  everyone  around  here  always  associates  them  with  a  moonlight  sonata  echoing  through  empty  halls ,  seats  in  the  back  row  at  the  opera ,  and  dead  flowers  pressed  between  the  pages  of  an  old  book .  in  the  time  since  these  strange  happenings ,  they  have  encountered  unexplained  occurrences .     

HI ,  hello .  i’m  hannah  n  this  is  like .  the  only  thing  i’ve  been  thinking  about  recently ,  aka  i’m  so  excited .  ok  anyway !  i’m  20 ,  kickin  it  in  the  est !  i’m  a  full  time  student  ( majoring  in  being  a  dumb  bitch  n  gay  rights  and  i’m  at  the  top  of  my  class  baby . . )  and  i’m  ALSO  a  preschool  teacher  so  if  i’m  ever  Not  here ,  i’m  with  my  babies  ! !  but  that  isn’t  the  reason  why  ur  all  here . .   ur  here  for  an  intro  post !  so !  

let’s  talk  abt  my  girl . . .  𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄  𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐈𝐋 !

okay .  so .  first  thing’s  first .  i  have  some  Real  Things  prepared  for  my  girl ,  including  but  not  limited  to :

a  pinterest  board !

a  stats  page !

and  what  i  call  NATALIE :  A  TRAGEDY  IN  THREE  ACTS .  it’s  kind  of  a  bio ,  mixed  in  with  some  stage  directions  here  and  there .  it’s  a  quick  read  n  rly  gives  you  that  Natalie  Flavor  if  you  know  what  i  mean . .  so  if  you  feel  so  inclined  n  wanna  take  a  look . .  but  full  disclosure  it  rly  does  hit  different  than  just  reading  this  intro 

anyway !  i’ll  give  a  more  condensed  version  of  her  bio  here  n  some  info  abt  her  personality  n  some  random  headcanons . .  etc !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈 :  𝑨 ����𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝒀

alright  SO .  our  girl  natalie  was  born  on  april  13 ,  1952  to  michel  and  colette  beausoleil .  it  was  a  thursday ,  and  it  was  ALSO  eleven  weeks  before  colette’s  due  date ,  so  we  all  know  that  can’t  be  good 

( spoiler  alert :  it  wasn’t )

natalie  was  supposed  to  be  a  twin ,  but  the  other  baby  ( a  boy  named  pierre )  didn’t  survive .  they  didn’t  think  that  natalie  would ,  but  she did !  unfortunately ,  her  parents  were  too  wounded  by  the  loss  of  their  other  baby  and  it  was  all grieving  and  no  celebrating .  

also .  there’s  more  info  abt  her  parents  n  how  they  met  in  the  bio  but ,  a  sparknotes  version  is  that  michel  was  a  playwright  in  paris  and  colette  was  a  ballerina / his  muse  and  they  rushed  into  a  marriage 

michel  made  it  rly  big  a  couple  yrs  after  natalie  was  born  and  so  they  decided  to  use  that  $ $ $  to  send  natalie  away  to  an  expensive  boarding  school  in  london  called  our  lady  of  sacred  suffering .  it  was ,  of  course ,  a  catholic  girls  boarding  school  and  natalie  hated  it  there

but  they  hated  natalie  there  bc  she  was  just  the  WORST  catholic  school  girl  of  all  time ,  so  it  was  mutual

meanwhile ,  her  relationship  w  her  parents  is . .  very  complicated .  her  dad  is  just  kind  of  The  Worst  across  the  board ,  very  reliant  on  drinking ,  definitely  got  into  drug  use  at  some  point ,  had  lots  of  affairs  with  the  young  actresses  in  his  plays .  and  colette  was  just . .  very  sad  and  very  absent  so  the  support  was  Minimal

natalie  has  a  lot  of  issues  that  are  all  rooted  in  her  childhood  tbh .

somewhere  along  the  way ,  she  found  a  deep  passion  for  Writing  and  developed  this  sense  of  purpose  and  for  a  minute  things  were  going  very  well 

which  we  all  know  means  things  are  about  to  get  WORSE . 

on  her  eighteenth  birthday ,  natalie  receieves  a  card  in  the  mail  from  her  mother  for  the  First  Time  Ever .  and  she  immediately  is  like .  huh .  well .  something  is  Wrong .

she’s  right .

( tw :  nondescript  mentions  of  car  crashes  &  death )

a  week  later ,  she  receives  word  that  her  parents  were  involved  in  a  serious  car  accident  at  the  pont  de  l’alma  tunnel  in  paris  and  her  did  not  survive  the  accident .

( end  tw )

her  mother’s  family  is  not  convinced  that  michel  should  walk  away  from  this  without  blame  and  decides  to  take  legal  action  against  him  and  get  him  convicted  with  a  more  serious  charge  than  just  manslaughter . 

they  promise  to  keep  natalie  out  of  it  as  much  as  possible  but  when  it  comes  time  to  testify  as  to  whether  or  not  michel  had  a  history  of  not  caring  about  colette’s  life  and  well - being ,  the  only  one  who  can  speak  to  it  is  natalie .

so  she  testifies  and  it’s  her  testimony  that  is  the  metaphorical  nail  in  the  coffin .  

( tw :  suicide  mention )

michel  knows  it ,  too .  that’s  what  natalie  thinks .  he  turns  up  dead  in  his  jail  cell  the  day  before  he’s  supposed  to  be  sentenced .  she  never  knows  if  he  deserved  the  life  sentence  he  was  going  to  be  given .

( end  tw ) 

so  then !  she’s  an  orphan !  but  she  does  gain  control  over  everything  that  her  parents  left  behind ,  which  turns  out  to  be  a  lot .  

she  sells  their  house  in  paris ,  goes  to  wales  to  begin  university ,  and  hasn’t  gone  back  since  then .  but  like ,  she  grew  up  in  london  for  the  most  part  so  she’s  not  exactly  sad  about  being  away  from  paris  and  all  the  ghosts  there .

and  now  she’s  at  sacred  heart ,  working  on  writing  her  debut  novel ,  which  is  the  ( albeit ,  dramatized  and  fictionalized )  story  of  her  parents !

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈 :  𝑨  𝑺𝑼𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑹𝒀 .

so  basically ,  she’s  got  issues .

fictional  character  inspo  includes :  jo  march ,  alaska  young ,  cheryl  blossom

if  you  know  anything  abt  astrology . .  she’s  an  aries  sun ,  mercury ,  and  venus . .  and  a  scorpio  moon  and  mars . .  and  a  gemini  rising . .  i’m  so  sorry JKDSFM

she’s  very  emotional  but  does  a  super  good  job  of  hiding  it  and  keeping  all  those  emotions  ( esp  the  intense  n  darker  ones )  buried  away . .  deep  down  where  no  one  could  see  it

the  minute  that  ppl  kind  of  ? ?  but  two  and  two  together  n  realize  who  she  is  ( bc . .  in  my  head . .  her  dad’s  whole  trial  was  kind  of .  A  Thing  that  the  public  knew  abt . )  they’re  probably  rly  concerned  w  Little  she  shows  any  real  emotion  to  the  whole  thing . 

rly  she’s  just  the  queen  of  compartmentalizing  n  repressing !

she’s  very . .  Assertive .  like ,  when  she  wants  something  she’s  going  to  do  whatever  it  takes  to  get  her  way  

very  Very  reckless .  she’s  like . .  so  fucking  impulsive  that  it  physically  Pains  me  sometimes .

she’s  very  smart  but  like .  More  So ,  she’s  very  clever  and  very  sharp  with  her  words .  a  very  fast  thinker  and  a  very  loud  talker 

someone  please . .  tell  her  to  stop  yelling .  she  needs  to  Relax . 

she’s  very  charming  i’ll  say  it .  n  like ?  seems  cool ?  the  kind  of  person  that  you  meet  and  immediately  want  to  hang  out  w  them .  

very  flirty ,  has  always  used  that  charming  smile  of  hers  to  get  ppl  in  her  corner  and  she’s  not  gonna  stop  now !  she’s  very  good  at  making  ppl  feel  special  

but  like .  she  means  well  most  of  the  time  sdkfj  her  heart  is  in  the  right  place  okay

big  time  trust  issues .  big  time  commitment  issues .  painfully  independent  and  refuses  to  let  anyone  know  how  much  she  cares  about  them  until  she’s  like . .  Really  sure  that  they  aren’t  going  to  hurt  her

also  very  afraid  of  hurting  people ,  which  is  another  reason  why  she  struggles  to  get  attached  to  people .  she  definitely  has  this  deep - rooted  fear  that  Bad  Things  follower  her  and  she  doesn’t  want  to  drag  ppl  into  that

it’s  literally  a  toss - up  as  to  whether  she’s  going  to  seem  like  she’s  demanding  ur  attention  or  entirely  disinterested  in  it .  bc  she’s  all  over  the  place . 

but  like .  i’m  an  emotional  BITCH  so  she’s  probably  going  to  end  up  being  100000%  softer  than  i  intend  bc  i  project  too  much  soft  bitch  energy  onto  my  characters  Always .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈𝐈 :  𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺 .

so  many  things .  literally ,  anything .  just  a  disclaimer ,  if  u  read  thru  this  and  had  An  Idea  then  like .  yes  Pls  tell  me ,  i  want  it  xoxo 

but  here  are  some  i  have  up  in  the  old . .  noggin .

EXES .  please ,  please . .  for  the  love  of  GOD  give  me  some  angsty  exes  nonsense .  do  you  need  someone  who  broke  ur  characters  heart ?  consider  natalie  UR  GIRL .  she’s  Emotionally  Damaged  and  has  the  capacity  to  be  the  angstiest  ex  of  all  time ,  okay ?

give  her  a  weakness .  she  needs  someone  who  she’s  Actually  vulnerable  around  and  actually  sees  her  have  emotions  and  knows  she’s  not  just  this  huge  Mess  all  the  time

i  rly  want  someone  that  is  like .  from  the  same  ( ish )  bg  as  her  in  the  sense  that  like . .  they  also  were  surrounded  by  nice  clothes  n   expensive  private  schools  n  Luxury  but  like .  they  Thrive  in  it  the  way  natalie  used  to  wish  that  she  could .  n  just .  i  think  it  would  b  a  super  interesting  dynamic  bc  they  would  just !  clash !  so  intensely ! !  n  tbh  nat  would  probably  b  lowkey  jealous  Still  n .  spicy !

@ all  those  ppl  who  are  into  theatre :  i’m  Dying  for  some  connections  of  ppl  who  knew / knew  of  her  father  n  would  know  what  happened  w  him  perhaps  on  a  deeper  level  than  ppl  who  read  it  in  the  newspaper  a  few  yrs  ago . .  ( bonus  points  if  they  lowkey  idolized / looked  up  to  her  dad  bc  thats  a  Big  Mess  and  could  b  spicy  as  fuck  to  explore ,  u know ? ) 

idk  if  any  of  y’all  have  characters  who  grew  up  in / around  paris ?  but  if  there  are . .  then  Perhaps  someone  who  knew  her  in  her  youth ?

okay .  not  to  be  Trash  but  like .  i  rly  want  her  to  have  a  dynamic  that’s  jo  x  laurie  adjacent ?  do  they  have  to  be  in  love  w  her ?  no !  i  just  want someone  that  has  that  genuine  bond  w  her  and  they  care  abt  each  other  n  goof  around  n  like . .  i’m  already  getting  soft  on  main ,  huh , ,

she’s  soo  fucking  messy  that  like . .  all  the  messy  fwb / frenemies  with  benefits / one  night  stand  type  of  plots . .  yes  pls 

i  always  want  there  to  b  a  badass  girl  squad  like .  a  group  of  ladies  n  theydies  that  take  no  shit  n  get  in  fights  for  each  other  n  rly  truly  ride  or  die  w  each  other . .  we  can  workshop  the  name  ok  but  for  now ?  my  girl  squad  is  open  for  applications 

okay .  let  me  cut  myself  off  right  there  but  i’ll  leave  you  with  my  WANTED  CONNECTIONS  TAG  n  also  again  i’m 10000%  okay  to  just  brainstorm  out  something  else  completely  if  its  what  ur  feeling !

if  u  read  all / any  of  this . .  i  love  u . <3  either hmu on discord ( let's go 𝓁𝑒𝓈𝒷𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓈 ! #6227 ) ksdjfskm  OR !  like  this  n  i  will  come  to  u !  okay ,  that’s  all ,  bye 

[amireallylivingorisitfake12]

i dont know what to do guys, im depressed and hurt and i want it all to end but i literally cant do anything and i feel like shit

so i broke up with my now ex(lets call him sabe) in may, because thing were complicated and i was traveling for the summer....... and i got with this other guy (lets name him carl) in place of him.... ive known carl for about 2 yrs now and i had alot of feeling toward him but i didnt want to deal with the long distance relationship..... so i said no a year ago.... but i said yes about a month ago.... me breaking up with sabe hurt him alot.... we dated for 3-4 months (ik its really short but he was my first bf and he made me feel so fucking special like i cant), like alot alot.... so he blocked me on everything even text so he didnt get any of my messages of me wanting to talk to him to clear the mud..... i told my friend to ask if i could talk to him.... she ended up saying more than i wanted her too... and yes at this time im still dating carl..... she said i had a bf and i was sorry and i wanted to talk to him, he literally fucking said he didnt care.... about me being sorry about my new bf ( which btw i was going to mention myself or even not at all she just blurted it out), and even about me wanting to talk to him..... and ive been trying to bc i feel like i really fucked up and i didnt want to be ignored by the guy i loved the most so i was and am still trying to make amends.... any way so carl has been ghosting me for the past 3 days... i tell him i love him( weve known each other for 2 yrs i thought itd be fine, ik its early to say that) , hows he doin, how was his day, what happend, but instead i got half assed responses and comments..... yesterday he called me, he was so quiet i knew smt was up so i asked, he said he was thinking about ‘us’... so i said what about ‘us’... he said im rethinking this relationship... and me being already depressed and my anxiety was way up that day already so imagine the shit that was going through my mind. i asked why.... earlier he had asked me if i was christian i said idk bc i literally dont have a preference, then he asked if ive used a ouija board and shit like that, i said no but i use tarot cards.... he told me he didnt like ‘witchcraft’ or ‘dark shit’ and im 100% into all of that.... so to him that was a ‘problem’.... he told me thats why he broke up with his last gf ‘she wasnt christian enough’.... oh and he decided to mention the long distance thing once after he said all that. anyway he said he loves me and would nvr do anything to hurt me.... so i sent him a message of how i feel.... ive nvr gone to him about my cutting(which ive done more recently bc of this), about my depression, anxiety, add, and every single disorder i have bc he just tells me to go to the doctor or talk to someone other than him, and he judges me so hard like omg...... ik hes going to break up with me today and im so fucking scared.... i dont know what to do and like i want sabe back so bad bc he didnt treat me like this he NEVER treated me like this..... i told my friend that i want them to find me in the girls bathroom dead.... slit wrists and neck.... i want sabe back... and i just want my pain to end... im so done for how people treat me 

and i havent told @captainchloe12354 so ur now hearing about this girl.... im sorry i didnt tell u earlier but soo much shit was happening for the past week ive been so fucking depressed and i so wish u were here w me clo i love you so much my best friend and favorite cousin........ 

and @dontlookatmeimdead this is y ive been depressed.....

anyway ik this is a long ass post and for those of you if u even care i appreciate yuo reading my horrible grammar and horrible life, heres a piece of cake  ...

[fallingfromdepression]

10/14/20: something i wish i could post on my personal IG but never will

back in april of 2019, i watched spiderverse for the first (and so far only) time. it was also the first time since middle school i considered seriously a career in animation, in character-focused stories. i admittedly have not consumed as much western animation as i should have before making this next claim, but spiderverse was one of the first western animations i had seen which felt similar to the animes i watched that i felt pushed the boundaries of the medium (namely, mob psycho 100); growing up, i had seriously (but maybe not as seriously as some of my peers who did go on to schools specializing in the arts) considered growing up to be a manga/anime artist, but manga/anime as a career had always felt distant since it was based in japan, an entirely separate country and far away from me (yes i was aware western comics and animation were a thing but i didn’t care about /their/ aesthetics at the time even though in retrospect some of them do have very dope styles and animation). spiderverse was one of the first times that i felt maybe the style i grew up consuming and wanting to create myself was possible in the west where i lived, accessible to me and not unreachable in a faraway land (theoretically. it is only a plane-ride away and manga/anime very much do influence current western media/animation).

the rekindling of my interest in art as a career also came at a time when i was entering grad school for an industry i was not really sure i actually wanted to pursue (public policy). i had already had doubts about even going to grad school for this from the beginning of deciding to apply for the program, but as i had done no job searching or had any job offers waiting post-graduation, grad school seemed to make the most sense (as other people told me. and honestly i believed too as someone who had gone through college and yet never found my “passion”). i hoped that i would somehow fall in love with public policy, or at least learn to like it enough to drive me through the next 2 years. back in april, i had just recently either submitted my application to grad school or had just received my acceptance offer (i don’t remember which), so this rekindling did not come at a great time since i had to start priming my mind for a policy career rather than an art career. i’m writing this as me who is currently in my 2nd year of the public policy program, and i’m sorry to say to my past self that i still haven’t fallen in love with public policy as i had hoped (in fact, i had imagined being able to drop out of the program but it could only be in my imagination as it was ridiculous to quit after only 1 quarter in grad school. and a potential waste of time and money despite literally my microeconomics professor in that first quarter saying ‘if, theoretically, someone here were to regret coming to grad school for public policy ... it’s better to quit now rather than slug through the next 2 yrs in a program you don’t like’). in the past year, i have continued to struggle with the idea of pursuing art as a career... and with my own art.

this latter is a completely new struggle, as i have enjoyed drawing for, the most part, my entire life. while i did try to wean myself off of this interest in high school in preparation for my (assumed) future career as a medical doctor, i still went back to it at the end of high school/beginning of college and have been drawing on and off ever since. it really is just a hobby, as i do it in my free time and i don’t make money off of it. however in the last year, i have really struggled with keeping my art as just a hobby, especially with my desire/dream to do art as a career. despite my excitement in april 2019, i don’t believe i can ever make it in the art industry and this is a belief i’ve had since high school: i don’t have much creativity or unique new ideas to bring to the table (most of my current creative endeavors usually include fanart or being inspired by memes/someone else’s work that my own work is then based off of) and i don’t have the drive that i feel like i’ve seen from actual art professionals. depression and mental health issues that influence this drive aside, the reason i never pursued art seriously back in high school was because i didn’t think i had the ability. the people i know who did end up going to school for art had styles different from mine -- admittedly leaning on the photorealistic side, which now i consider a separate style from manga/anime and both are just as valid as art. but back then i didn’t think of it like that -- and they were thinking about art and creating almost all the time. (admittedly again, they did have more art classes in their schedules but i had my hands full trying to keep my grades and motivation up for science and math classes. obviously other things were at play here from that very sentence alone, but moving on.) all in all, i don’t think i have what it takes even though admittedly the drive i keep mentioning is kind of something i need in /all/ industries, regardless of whatever i’m producing for it... so time and time again i keep coming back to square one. i want to pursue a career but also i don’t/can’t. but well, you don’t have to go to art school; i’ve seen people online who manage to side-gig or get by by just posting online while doing other things academically/professionally full-time.

but in a recent attempt to do a month-long drawing challenge, i realized ... i don’t know what i want to do with my art. my frustration with my art during that challenge (which i only ended up doing a full week of before i stopped) coupled with me reading write-ups of artists talking about their inspirations to create made me ask myself ... what am i drawing for? what do i want to ultimately create? at this current point in time i’ve realized those reasons again, but during that challenge i thought that i didn’t have any reasons. i was just drawing just to draw... which is fine as a hobbyist but as a professional who is creating character-driven/focused stories? now, i said i’ve realized those reasons again, and they revolve around me wanting to create stories about mental health, stories with representation. except for the former i have never successfully drawn anything pertaining to my own mental health story bc i find it impossible to put down tangibly, and the latter i feel like i don’t feel as strongly about it as some other artists i follow (namely a specific artist who had talked about how important it was for them as a malaysian singaporean to represent muslim malaysian culture well. and you could tell through their writing how strongly they felt about it. it’s a level that i am not at admittedly with my own representation goals). and not having a strong sense of direction with my art is the same problem i have with public policy, in which i don’t know what exactly i want to do with it. i have a concept, ideas of what to do but i have no idea what it actually looks like in practice to execute. as someone who is most comfortable coming up with ways to execute other people’s ideas and not coming up with and executing my own, trying to figure out my own life trajectory for myself with a limited time frame (i’m in my 2nd year of grad school for christ’s sake) is a Feat to say the least.

in spiderverse, in the mangas i used to read and still do today, characters with problems like me get to see them solved linearly and with good endings. they struggle to get to that ending though, and so i should expect to struggle too. but as someone who has not maintained friendships through any period of my life (separate can of worms to open) nor has any concrete idea/desire for what i want to do in the future ... i’m already missing 2 major factors that the fictional characters i read about usually have to help guide them. i’m still struggling with this desire to pursue art as a career as i currently take classes on public policy, and with my motivation to draw. i’m struggling to draw now because i feel that there is no future in my art, that even if i keep it as a hobby it isn’t worth it. i get it, you don’t have to monetize your hobbies, and if it’s just a hobby you can go at it at your own pace and not compare to others. but being on social media more recently and looking at more art has been really damaging lately, even if i keep reminding myself that these artists are good because they’re either 1. younger and have more time to draw and churn out art to practice more or 2. have literal careers in art and have studied art and drawn repeatedly for essentially years ... it still hurts to see art and realize how much work you have to do yourself to get to that level. this fear of that amount of work is almost an entirely different issue than just a struggle on whether or not to pursue art professionally though... 

recently, in a fit of frustration, i considered just not drawing ever again and to try to forget about art and attempt to more seriously pursue public policy. but the idea of just not drawing ever again literally brought tears to my eyes, and i feel it’s because drawing has been a part of my life for so long (it was essentially my identity in middle school, and maybe that’s why i have such a complex with art) that i don’t know what i would do if i gave it up. drawing and my confidence in my ability to draw has been there for me through decades now, and i still like being able to visually depict others’ and my ideas. but sometimes i look at my art and i’m like ‘wow i’ve improved a lot since back then’ but sometimes i look at my art and think of everything i’m lacking compared to what i want my art to be like.

[xplicitgrayson]

Update:

Having the chance of a tumor??? How fucking crazy and u fair is life. How crazy was I for no thinking cancer would EVER be one to affect my grandpa. I posted this in what February?? January??? Idk anymore but now its October and my grandpa is his worst. Over the year he discovered he had surgery, discovered he indeed had Pancreatic Cancer, went through only 2 sessions of radiation, that 2nd session resulted in him having chest pains which resulted in us finding out it was a heart attack, to him having Pneumonia, to him still not starting his chemo, to him having water in his lungs , which made his fatigue and out of breath and having doctors taking out idk how many liters in each lung,to having him be nauseous all the time and rufusing to eat, to him losing 40lbs , to his chemo doctor wanting US his family to decide when we wanted him to start chemo when we are not the doctors, to her refusing services to us bc we told her we weren't doctors, to him AGAIN having water in his lungs and no one knowing why and to us finding out this past Friday, October 9, 2020 that his pancreatic cancer has moved up to his lungs , which is why he is retaining water in the lungs and it has moved from stage 3 to Stage 4 with slight possibility of him not being able to make it through. The chance of him getting treatment is the possibility of only EXTENDING his life. When just at the beginning of last week he could walk from his living room to the bathroom and back but resulted in him being tired to today. He cant even take 2 steps without being out of breath. He is took weak and skinny. When he found this out on Friday. He was the saddest hes ever been. He's devastated and is now telling us all his last wishes bc he thinks he wont be here with us for much longer. We have yet to talk to his doctor to know if he has much longer or if theres any chance of him being cured. But this is the hardest shit i have ever gone through. His family has been going over since Friday to see him. Hes gsthered all his siblings to te them his last wishes and to hug them one last time. My father , wjo has not spoken to my grandpa and who has not step foot to the sidewalk of my grandparents house came over Friday to beg my grandpa for forgiveness. After 6yrs of not speaking he came and got kn his knees and begged my grandpa for forgiveness while crying. Who h in where my grandpa granted him and forgave him telling him he forgave him a long time ago. Ive never hurt so bad. I dont even wang to be alone with him bc of what hebis telling us. His dreams for us. To see my 12 yr old cousin , play soccer professionally in EUROPE one day. To telling me and my older brother that he is not going to be able to meet our kids. I cry and i can't think. He is so sad. He is not the person he was at the beginning of the year. From his ACTUAL BIRTHDAY where he found out he might have cancer to now. He has now lost all hope. And all we can try to do is be strong. Its so fucking hard.

Hi guys Just watched their doc and it has opened up my eyes. My family has dealt with cancer in the past. My grandma had breast cancer twice. She was able to fight through it both times. She is stronger than ever now even still with false scares of it returning

Now her husband. The only grandpa I have ever known, just last week found out that there is a 95% chance of him having a tumor so he may possibly have cancer. Seeing this documentary was really touching and made me so emotional. I never cried this much over a video . It made me think about my situation and those who are going through something serious and terrifying as cancer.

This documentary is going to help so many. I am so proud of the twins. This documentary is also showing how not everything we see online is fully portraying what they really feel. Behind a screen you may see the twins happy and smiling but this doc just proves to you that it's not always the case. With this documentary they are opening about the real and raw emotions they feel . They aren't hiding it from us. I am eternally grateful that they were able to share what they truly feel and what they went through with us fans and viewers. This is going to impact so many people in many postive ways.

So pls guys, I encourage for you guys to see it. They have created their own organization called #LoveFromSean w/ all the money they raise, they are going to be helping MULTIPLE cancer organizations. If you have the chance to even donate a $1 PLS do bc even a $1 makes a difference.

Heres the link to donate ♡

[watos]

dumbass I meant the "Quiz Me" one you reblogged a couple days ago 😶

oh shit sorry lmao

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? yes
2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? no 
3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. i’m not getting up for that lmao
4: What’s something you really want right now? attention & cuddle & kiss Fml
5: Are you afraid of falling in love? no 
6: How can I win your heart? give me attention
7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? yes . it was a sectional tho so it’s not like we were right next to each other which would be uncomfy so it was nice tbh
8: What’s the background on your cell? me & my boyfriend 
9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? uh my bed , my boyfriends bed, prob my moms bed, my boyfriends friends bed
10: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? my mom so yes
11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? i don’t really do all that much planning 
12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? kevin
13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? rottweiler
14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? emotional
15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? museum 
16: Are you tired? yes wtf
17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? since i was 1.99 yrs old bc it’s my brother 
18: If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? i mean if i HAD to it would be 2015 bc i attempted suicide and i would rather not have gone thru that 
19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? i don’t have any exes
20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? like 10 mins ago
21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? nah i’m 17 
22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes 
23: When was the last time you were disappointed? like today 30 mins ago smh
24: Is there a certain quote you live by? nah
25: What’s on your mind? i havta go to bed early bc i have school so give me attention right Now Immediately 
26: Do you have any tattoos? no :(
27: What is your favorite color? lavender 
28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? soon Hopefuly 
29: Who are you texting? no one rn but most recently was my mom
30: Are you superstitious about anything? not really 
31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? yep
32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? yes
33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? i sure hope so
34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? yeah my mom
35: What was the reason for your last breakup? n/a 
36: Were you single on Valentines Day? yes
37: Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. like: my hair i guess dislike: the rest 
38: What do your friends call you? i unfortunately have No nicknames
39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? yes
40: Have you ever cried over a text? probably 
41: Where’s your last bruise located? my arm
42: What is it from? my friend punched me :(43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? school
44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? my brother 
45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? not really . i like my vans but they give me blisters 
46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? no
47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? nope
48: Do you make supper for your family? not unless it’s grilled cheeses bc im GREAT at making those 
49: What’s the toughest decision you made this year? not 2 kms at least before i turn 22 (this makes me seem like i’m super depressed all the time which i’m not like i’m literally the happiest i’ve ever been it’s just like suicide is something i ponder for some reason)
50: Top 3 web-pages? reddit tumblr ,,, uh ,,,
51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? no
52: Does anything on your body hurt? my arm bc im laying on my back typing this and it’s makin my arm sore 
53: Are goodbyes hard for you? if they are long term goodbyes yes 
54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? idk
55: How is your hair? ugly
56: What do you usually do first in the morning? check my phone 
57: Do you think two people can last forever? yeah why not
58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? yes i was 6
59: Green or purple grapes? purple
60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? Soon I Hope Please
61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? nope
62: What did your father teach you? to be afraid of men and to not trust anyone and to think everyone i meet will abuse me 
63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? sleeping probably
64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. getting ready to leave for school
65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? yep gross 
66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? yes
67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? yes
68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? i thought about how i wished i wasn’t hope 
69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes
70: How many windows are open on your computer? on my phone - 2
71: If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first? idk clothes
72: What is your ringtone? don’t have one 
73: How old will you be in 5 months? 18
74: Where is your Mum right now? home
75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? never happen
76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? yes
77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? no
78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? yes fml
79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? yes
80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yes best shit ever
81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? 1 
82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? i don’t think so
83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? yes
84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? would not happen ever 
85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? yes 
86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? nothing
87: Who was your last received call from? my mom
88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? uh yeah sorry i’m poor and stuff
89: What is something you wish you had more of? money
90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? yeah which is stupid bc i already have trust problems but i just try so hard to trust people and it ends up being too much trust 
91: Do you sleep with your window open? no
92: Do you get along with girls? yeah if i don’t think they’re better than me bc if i do then i just can’t even talk to them 
93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? no
94: Does sex mean love? no
95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? not at all lmao
96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? no
97: Did you sleep alone this week? yes
98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? yes
99: Do you believe in love at first sight? not love but infatuation
100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? probably my mom

[thoughtsoahr]

01/07/18

Pros? He kissed me.

Cons? He kissed me..?

Pros: very very caring, niceeee back, cooks!, interested in art, very smart holy shit, adventurous

Cons: quiet, says the n word (angerey), seems like needs time to get comfortable to, diff music taste,

I dont really know lol

After reading several forums and quora site on “my friend kissed me while he was drunk” “both drunk and he kissed me” “what does a drunk kiss mean?” my conclusion is still get this… INCONCLUSIVE :DDDD

Half of me wants to believe that he might actually be into me

    Context: I had a huge huge crippling i-cant-even-study crush on him (friend for a good half a year+ at this point)  for about a month prior to this engagement. I remember showing up to the house one time and i could not make eye contact with him because i would get nervous like who the fuck am i. I dont even know how this crush came about? I literally never thought.. Im kind of angry at myself that this happened it complicates so many things- now this is assuming he was concious of his decision to kiss me and didnt black out before this happened. Also we were both in his room alond when this happened for context? Brought me up to his room and closed the door, i didnt think anything of it bc i thought we were just gonna do some whippits but he pulled me closer kept asking me “wheres your boy?” “do you have a boy?” i would pull away because idk if i was confused nervous suprised all three? (mind you ive nevr gotten this close to a guy before let along kissed one so yes this was my first kiss) kept telling me to come back to his side, yes hefeltmeupundertheshirt and im pretty sure if my memory is correct started kissing me like small pecks on my cheek and i think it migrated to my lips and im pretty sure maybe like 60% sure i kissed him back on the lips but that is when i was like holy shit this is weird this is my friend! (thatihaveacrushonbutyaknow) also might have been because it was my first time having this kind of interaction with a boy of any sort so i was just a ball of emotions and horomones and just plain i dont know what to make of this so i pulled away and essentially cockblocked him by calling up my friends to come up hahahhahah ooops. The thing is im not entirely sure i like him like that. Sure i had a disgustingly strong crush on him for a good month before this happened but i feel like the events o fthis night really complicated my emotions and made me think “is this what i really want?” because crushes are one thing but relationships hooooooooh boy i have literall NO experience in this area. Crushes are fine, im really used to them and usually when i get a good one like this one was i bask in the gooey feeling for how long it lasts pining over the person (never acting on it) but i eventually just let it die out on its own because i know realistically i am probably leagues below the person im crushing on and nothing will ever happen. Also probably because im scared and nervous. I def have some self-confidence issues but thats another story :,) I always figure that if i dont shoot a shot and if i just admire from afar, no one gets hurt, no feelings come up, no one knows, nothing gets complicated. Anyways, that was the plan for this one. hOWEVER, this night we decided to do a power hour of soju (to celebrate the end of finals) so we were both pretty far gone at the point when he kissed me SO OBVIOUSLY somethin is gettin complicated up in here. After these events hes been messaging me and snapchatting me significantly more frequent than before and asks me what im up to and what my plans are for break and stuff like that which is… nice? (given i did message him the initial message after the said event happened bc i was asking a favor) I guess ive never had someone ask me things like that before and checked up on how im doing so it feels kinda foreign but nice...

The other half of me believes everything is too good to be true

    Context: p much same as before? What are the odds i have a giant crush on someone and that crush ends up kissing me without me even mentioning im into him on his own accord? Again, given we were both intoxicated but still. No one has ever had a crush on me or done anything to act on it so my expectations and experiences are very very low to say the least. Lookit me im 20 yrs old and still hadnt had a first kiss( unless you count this one of course hahah)

I dont know if he kissed me drunk because he was just horny asf and being a typical fuckboi college boi and i was the closest person to him at the moment or if he was too shy to make any moves while sober so he used alcohol as a means to get closer. Because we were supposed to get blacked out drunk together on a separate occasion but it didnt happen bc i fell asleep beofre it happened haha some people on these forums say that drunk kisses mean nothing because both parties are drunk and it makes sense since when youre drunk you do things you wouldnt normally do sober, your inhibitions are lowered and you do shit you sometimes regret… but also for that same reason maybe he meant to kiss me he just needed to be drunk to make the first move.

The thing that bothers me the most is that he hasnt acknowledged the event, leading me to believe he either doesnt remember it at all (meaning the kiss meant nothing) or hes just too shy and has little dick energy to confront me about it. In any case, im planning on confronting him about it in the next two weeks.

I do get excited and somewhat happy when he texts me/ messages me though.

To not get my hopes up im just going to keep messaging him like hes a frind. Expectations low my friends, thats how to avoid disappointment. It is nice ot have a crush on someone. It kinda gives you something to look forward to or daydream about and it makes me feel warm inside and loved even though he probably doesnt fee l the same way or is oblivious to it all haha. Anyways ive been wanting to write this for a while so here it is.