#i guess it's not that different from people having gatsby themed weddings but still

[thefabelmans2022]

as someone who unironically adores the great gatsby everything i've heard about ART gatsby makes me want to fly to new york immediately while everything i've heard about the current broadway production makes me want to light a theatre on fire.

[hewmonderp]

Gender identity vs gender expression, a personal turmoil

So, I’m female. I guess you could call me cis female? I guess I identify as the gender I was assigned at birth. But that assertion came with a lot of questioning and intense speculation and scrupulous introspection. Less that I identify as female, more like “well those are the parts I have, so I guess that’s what I am?” When I have brought it up with trans-friendly members of my queer community they often ask “well when you look inside, what do you feel like?” And the answer? I feel like a being piloting a meat ship. I’m not overly connected to this body or the parts on it. At least, not anymore...

I was born in the 80’s which means trans-rights activism wasn’t at the forefront during my growth and development (everyone was still wrestling with the idea that homosexuals are human beings, too). I was often labeled a tomboy as a child, which was, and I guess still is, the most accurate description for myself. I was never into super “girly” behaviors or hobbies (except crafts and dressing up, those are fun no matter what gender). I liked running around outside, getting muddy, catching critters (I’d lose my mind over catching snakes) I preferred “boys toys” to the “girl toys” especially at fast food restaurants. Why would I want another stupid crappy doll with cheap plastic hair to “style” when I could have a robot or race car.

Even when I learned about puberty and was outraged to find out that “My body is going to do WHAT every month??” I never experienced the dysphoria associated with feeling like you were in the wrong body. I hated what my body put me through (still do) but I never got the feeling like I was “supposed” to have a penis instead. I would get seriously offended and emotionally wounded when someone would misgender me. Looking back, I understand why it happened. I didn’t have the best self esteem (that’s a different but related can of worms...or bees) and dressed in baggy and misshapen clothing (it was the 90’s!) being half Dominican I have noticeable facial hair and bushy eyebrows, and I was never one for maticulous facial grooming. Add to that, fairly small breasts and is it any wonder that people thought I might just be an overweight male as a teen?

It was, and still is, the idea that “if you are a girl, you express these behaviors, and if you are a boy you express these other behaviors” that bothers me most. Or that you are supposed to dress a certain way. I often dress rather androgynously (t-shirts, jeans, flannels or jackets) because wearing clothes too far one way or the other feels like wearing a costume. I rather like wearing those costumes at different times. For example, on Christmas I managed to score a really cute dress, so I went all out in performing femininity and it felt nice. But it still felt like dressing up for halloween or a convention. Similarly, my friends’ wedding was Great Gatsby themed and she specified “black tie!!” So I did as instructed and wore a 2 piece suit and bow-tie, complete with a porkpie hat. I felt great in that costume, too.

So while I’m most comfortable identifying as female, my gender expression is hands-down-non-binary. I go by she/her, however I’m comfortable with they/them, and even him/he if I’m dressed particularly masculine (though I’m still offended at being called “mannish”, that word in particular gets my hackles up). As I’ve aged and gained experience in life, I have learned that I don’t need to let the misconceptions of others bear weight on my psyche.

Maybe if I had been born during this time of trans normalization, I would have felt differently. One could argue acceptance of my female parts comes from 30 years of repression and dissuasion from peers and family. I’ve resigned to accepting myself as female because I had no other option. Maybe today I would be pushing for they/them pronouns for myself if I was born more recently. Who knows, I could still come to that decision later in life, change my mind about how I feel, and that’s ok too! Right now, the most comfortable term I have for myself is “gender queer” because it’s the least difinitive label I could find.

I guess what it boils down to is learning yourself. Identifying those aspects of your being that you love and holding onto those, even as you shed other parts that you like less or have no need for anymore. It’s your meat-ship. Love it or hate it, you own it.

I welcome thoughts, opinions, and discussion! (She says to her imaginary followers)