#i guess it's not that different from people having gatsby themed weddings but still

[thefabelmans2022]

as someone who unironically adores the great gatsby everything i've heard about ART gatsby makes me want to fly to new york immediately while everything i've heard about the current broadway production makes me want to light a theatre on fire.

[hewmonderp]

Gender identity vs gender expression, a personal turmoil

So, I’m female. I guess you could call me cis female? I guess I identify as the gender I was assigned at birth. But that assertion came with a lot of questioning and intense speculation and scrupulous introspection. Less that I identify as female, more like “well those are the parts I have, so I guess that’s what I am?” When I have brought it up with trans-friendly members of my queer community they often ask “well when you look inside, what do you feel like?” And the answer? I feel like a being piloting a meat ship. I’m not overly connected to this body or the parts on it. At least, not anymore...

I was born in the 80’s which means trans-rights activism wasn’t at the forefront during my growth and development (everyone was still wrestling with the idea that homosexuals are human beings, too). I was often labeled a tomboy as a child, which was, and I guess still is, the most accurate description for myself. I was never into super “girly” behaviors or hobbies (except crafts and dressing up, those are fun no matter what gender). I liked running around outside, getting muddy, catching critters (I’d lose my mind over catching snakes) I preferred “boys toys” to the “girl toys” especially at fast food restaurants. Why would I want another stupid crappy doll with cheap plastic hair to “style” when I could have a robot or race car.

Even when I learned about puberty and was outraged to find out that “My body is going to do WHAT every month??” I never experienced the dysphoria associated with feeling like you were in the wrong body. I hated what my body put me through (still do) but I never got the feeling like I was “supposed” to have a penis instead. I would get seriously offended and emotionally wounded when someone would misgender me. Looking back, I understand why it happened. I didn’t have the best self esteem (that’s a different but related can of worms...or bees) and dressed in baggy and misshapen clothing (it was the 90’s!) being half Dominican I have noticeable facial hair and bushy eyebrows, and I was never one for maticulous facial grooming. Add to that, fairly small breasts and is it any wonder that people thought I might just be an overweight male as a teen?

It was, and still is, the idea that “if you are a girl, you express these behaviors, and if you are a boy you express these other behaviors” that bothers me most. Or that you are supposed to dress a certain way. I often dress rather androgynously (t-shirts, jeans, flannels or jackets) because wearing clothes too far one way or the other feels like wearing a costume. I rather like wearing those costumes at different times. For example, on Christmas I managed to score a really cute dress, so I went all out in performing femininity and it felt nice. But it still felt like dressing up for halloween or a convention. Similarly, my friends’ wedding was Great Gatsby themed and she specified “black tie!!” So I did as instructed and wore a 2 piece suit and bow-tie, complete with a porkpie hat. I felt great in that costume, too.

So while I’m most comfortable identifying as female, my gender expression is hands-down-non-binary. I go by she/her, however I’m comfortable with they/them, and even him/he if I’m dressed particularly masculine (though I’m still offended at being called “mannish”, that word in particular gets my hackles up). As I’ve aged and gained experience in life, I have learned that I don’t need to let the misconceptions of others bear weight on my psyche.

Maybe if I had been born during this time of trans normalization, I would have felt differently. One could argue acceptance of my female parts comes from 30 years of repression and dissuasion from peers and family. I’ve resigned to accepting myself as female because I had no other option. Maybe today I would be pushing for they/them pronouns for myself if I was born more recently. Who knows, I could still come to that decision later in life, change my mind about how I feel, and that’s ok too! Right now, the most comfortable term I have for myself is “gender queer” because it’s the least difinitive label I could find.

I guess what it boils down to is learning yourself. Identifying those aspects of your being that you love and holding onto those, even as you shed other parts that you like less or have no need for anymore. It’s your meat-ship. Love it or hate it, you own it.

I welcome thoughts, opinions, and discussion! (She says to her imaginary followers)

[dhdcultureblog]

Blogtober - EK

So I thought I should lift the lid on my trip to Las Vegas for my Brothers wedding….I know that whatever happens in Vegas…stays in Vegas, but with Facebook these days, I’d sent evidence of our trip and fun times while still “technically” in Vegas so I have found a grey area lol

After 16 hours of a 2 flight journey we finally arrived in the city that doesn’t sleep, and yep you guessed it we had also had zero sleep in nearly 24 hours by now, so was running on the scent of caffeine!

We booked into the flamingo and our room was disappointingly crappy and our view was of a brick wall and the air-conditioning units on top of the roof, we threw down our bags and took on the day to stay awake to readjust our body clocks. The heat just smacks you in the face over there, it was 39 degrees and zero wind, I probably would have been sweating if I was completely naked.

I instantly realised how expensive America was when I bought 2 bottles of water and a packet of chips and it cost be $40 American plus a tip…so quickly realised that I had to be careful with where I bought certain necessities.

I’ve always wanted to order one of those massive pizzas and it was the first item of food I dove into…I think I managed 2 pieces before surrendering and taking it back to the room for a late night snack if need…and little did I know that it indeed would! So a massive first day of outlet shopping, walking mile after mile, checking out different casino’s, we sat down in the Paris hotel to have some dinner and take in some night life, after a few drinks, I was done and retired to the room, though my mother and sister felt the need to carry on, here is where the pizza comes back into the story, as my sister was dragging my drunken mother back to the room where she was trying to make her eat pizza as this “will make her feel better” instead the box was used  as a vessel for my now very ill mother…now I have some photo evidence as what else does one do in these situations…..help??? no take some funny pics and then help lol

So day one over and exhausted, what was left to follow was just one amazing Casino after the next, loads for walking, eating out, very few hours sleep…more shopping and then onto Freemont Street.

Now I wasn’t that sold on the Vegas strip, being Labour Day long weekend, it was absolutely packed, but I did enjoy sitting at Cabo Wabo and people watching and the bums getting into a fight in front of us, but not a punch connecting as they were sooo drunk in the middle of the day. (one dropped his drink and dropped to the ground and starting licking it off the pavement…not cool man!). Freemont Street though…the original Vegas was just incredible. I found myself being gob smacked by what people will do to earn a dollar, from awesome street dancers to magicians to a lady asking for her tasselled boobies to be twirled for a $1 (MIND BLOOOOWN)! The energy was just something else to experience.

Day of the Hen’s party, we met at the Cosmopolitan Hotel, where we accidently found ourselves in the upper crust Marquee roof top pool party, we were so certain we had been on the guest list and they claimed mistake and apologised and let us in, was a good laugh later when people paid thousands to get into this gig and here we are just romping in! As it works out, we were supposed to be at the resort pool which was much much more low key. After a day of swimming, sunbaking and a few drinks we come back to the bride and grooms room where this certainly cemented how crappy our room was with this incredible view! The theme was old Hollywood glamour/ Gatsby and all the girls looked amazing in their outfit of choice.

From here we all jumped in a limo and partied our way to 1Oak nightclub where Jason Derulo was guest appearing. There was these insanely awesome pole dancers, great DJ and we had a whole VIP booth to ourselves, the downside is that they wanted another $700 before they would even serve us drinks, which was a bit frustrating but everyone paid up to keep the party going. We lost a few hens early on as they got kicked out for looking slightly intoxicated, and the party wrapped up at 3am.

Next day was he pre weeding Lunch, which was held at the Wicked Spoon buffet and OMG it was seriously good food and with a 30 people wedding party, there was plenty of laughs. The highlight was Gen’s best friend told her she couldn’t come to the wedding and she flew in and surprised her at lunch, so many tears flowed, as she had NO idea this was going to happen. From lunch we all trotted off the PBR bar where nearly the whole bridal party tried their hand at riding the mechanical bull and 2 for 1 cocktails, so with that mix this resulted in another great afternoon with the wedding crew. So another huge day of eating, drinking and more walking, home early for the wedding day tomorrow.

Preparation started early with a yummy buffet brekkie then off to get hair and make up done, and in my head I am picturing us driving into the Valley of Fire for the wedding and all being sweaty messes after we just paid $100’s of dollars to look glamorous!

So we hoped on two separate buses; one for the bridal party and one for the Grooms party and an hour plus drive later in sweaty Vinyl bus seating to which I don’t think the buses air con could work hard enough to keep us cool, we arrived in the valley of fire and wasn’t this a site!

The minute we stepped of the bus the heat was overwhelming, we walked a short way till we reached an alcove of huge red boulders where the chairs and wedding arch was set up and surprisingly was much cooler. Everything was perfect it was such an ideal setting for where we were. Luke was instantly touched the minute he saw gen come around the corner…10 years in the making and I couldn’t have been prouder or happier for them both. After lots of great happy snaps, we all jumped on the bus again and off we went to the Barrymore where the reception was. It was a small room and we all sat in separate booths with room in the centre to get up and a have dance, the food was amazing… speeches were brief (always welcomed, no one appreciates hour long speeches). I also realised my mum can’t speak in front of anyone, and never wrote a speech in her life, lucky my sister come to her rescue! The brother and his ’now’ wife did plan one heck of a great wedding though!

A great day finished off a great trip and with one day to go, it was concluded with a huge hangover…not as bad as the hangover movie events, but felt just as nasty…my sister suggested the good old Aussie cure of a huge oily meal. We went to the famous Sugar factory and I kid you not, this place is the bomb. It was a person’s birthday and they got a crew of people and they come out with this BOAT full of ice-cream and the couple looked so shocked at the size, as was everyone else! They asked the staff to give bowls to everyone that wanted some and shared it with the whole restaurant, which was so kind! We ordered 3 burgers, chips and the biggest milkshake I’ve ever had in my life. It was so yummy that we didn’t leave a thing left on the plates. From lunch we went on a gondola ride through the Palazzo Casino, took more selfies and photos of the incredible features of each Casino we walked through all the way back to our hotel.

The last night in Vegas we went and watched a burlesque show, to which I was excited about, but it was not what I expected, it was rather tacky, the best part was the comedian mid-way through the show, nothing like a good belly laugh, while she picked on people in the crowd and I found myself sinking lower in my seat so I not be singled out.

On the final day. I was up at the rise of the sun to be picked up and taken to the airport for a dream of mine to ride in a helicopter over the Grand Canyon and boy this did not disappoint in any way. I was so overcome, that I felt myself nearly bursting into tears when we flew into the canyon and landed. It was so peaceful and perfect; I could have stayed there for hours, I was so happy that I was able to squeeze this in before racing back to the hotel and off to airport for the long commute home and that it was, with delayed flights, broken down planes and running from transfer to transfer to make our Sydney flight, we finally landed back Home. It was one heck of a holiday, but it is always nice to be welcomed home and to have my little boy run to me with open arms at the airport, and see the coastline as you reach the top of Bulli, really makes you appreciate the beautiful place we live. Thanks for the awesome memories Vegas!

SO where to next… I would say a family holiday may be on the cards, somewhere fun for the 3yr old!

 Joke of the month:

Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much? A. They can’t stand fast food.

EK