#i got too many games i've bought and haven't started yet to feel comfortable adding another to the backlog unfortunately :(

[yamitheyin]

Hi I saw your post about wanting to get into a media with a lot of they/themmers

I now have an excuse to tell another person to play outer wilds please play the video game outer wilds (not to be confused with outer worlds). You play as part of an alien species that exclusively uses they/them pronouns.

It's a space-faring 3d first person puzzle platformer where the main draw is its incredible ability to draw out your curiosity. There's stuff to learn in every corner, and you can go anywhere at any point if you know how.

All the planets are hand-crafted with intent and care, all the lore and knowledge feeding into each other in a wonderful package.

Slight spoilers, but I'm going to describe two planets a little just so you get a gist of the ideas on display.

The Hourglass twins (named Ember and Ash Twins) are two planets that rotate around each other close to the sun. As they dance about, sand from one planet will get pulled into another, revealing the secrets of Ash Twin while filling the caves of Ember (and potentially crushing you to death). Eventually, the cycle reverses.

I won't tell you any more because this game is very weak to spoilers, but please consider playing!!! This is literally the best video game of all time. I'm not exaggerating.

Oh, I've heard very good things about Outer Wilds! I probably won't have time to play it for a while, but I'll try it out once I've gone through more of my gaming backlog.

[leighdoesitall]

I'm going to use this account to chronicle my ongoing physical and mental health battle in hopes that journaling about it will make it easier for me to track progress and notice patterns.

Last year, I decided that I was finally going to travel. The lockdowns had made me realize that life can be short, and I shouldn't let my mental health control my every step in life.

Starting last February, I went to London to meet friends and see ATEEZ. Then I went to New Orleans for VueConf. Finally, I went to Amsterdam with my partner to attend CSS Day.

I'm really proud of myself for pushing myself outside of my comfort zone to do these things. I met so many incredible people, saw beautiful sights, and experienced so much more than I ever thought I'd be brave enough to do.

That's when it started, though. Another major depressive episode. I learned during my trips that my severe health anxiety hadn't gone away... It was just in hiding.

Every single day that I was away from home, I had non-stop panic attacks. The only thing that stopped them was Ativan. But as a member of a family full of addicts, and a person with health anxiety, taking a med like that was very uncomfortable for me.

Coming home from that hit me like a truck. The depression was bad this time. I've had two major depressive episodes on my life, and I could tell this one was shaping up to be the worst one yet.

I went to my PCP to ask about Lexapro. It's the only SSRI I can recall standing when I tried psych meds as a kid. God, that was awful. Trying meds when I was young was one of the scariest things I've ever encountered. I should've known this wasn't going to go well.

The worst part of the Lexapro was, by far, the first 2 weeks. If a doctor tries to reassure you by telling you that you most likely won't have side effects, just know that's statistically untrue. I had severe depression, panic, nausea, dilated puppies, and other strange symptoms like not being able to listen to music, barely recognizing myself in the mirror, and an overall disconnect from reality.

Spoiler Alert: This will be a common thread in my medication journey.

After 6 weeks, things finally leveled out. I went from 5 to 10 to 20 mg. Each time I bumped it up, those same side effects occurred.

When things chilled out, this was one of the best times of my life. For the first time ever, there was no hypervigilance. No agoraphobia. No weirdness around food, sex, my health, or all the other idiosyncracies that made my life unbearable for so long.

For the first time ever, I didn't feel the void that is almost always present inside of me.

I did start presenting with what seemed like hypomanic episodes. Sudden bursts of insane excitement, unbearable desires to do spontaneous things that made no sense at all. No sleep, general obsessing over hobbies and tasks that I previously didn't really think all that much about.

During these periods, I bought a dog. I traveled across my state multiple times to look at $3000+ cats and would've bought them too if my partner didn't help chill me out. I sold our house.

My doctor added a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) to the mix. It helped these episodes. I haven't had one ever since.

I noticed something strange about 8 months in on the Lexapro. I felt great all the time. Life was so much easier. So carefree. So easy.

But I did NOTHING.

I didn't want to write. I didn't want to read. No video games. No movies.

I became a bit of a smiling, happy clay figure that could be posed but couldn't move on my own to do anything.

All I did was go to work, take a nap, have dinner, take a nap, hang out with my partner, then go to bed.

I had no desire to learn, to play, to create, to adventure.

I was a shell.

At this point, I finally got into a psychiatrist. That's its own awful story that I'll tell at another time, but right now...

The doctor suggested adding Wellbutrin which I tolerated very well. So well, in fact, that it reminded me of my long standing ADHD-I diagnosis that I had been ignoring. Didn't help with my depression, but it certainly helped with my executive function.

We decided to switch antidepressants. This is a long process. Weaning off SSRIs could be worse, but it certainly wasn't fun. I suffered increased PTSD symptoms, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, nausea, migraines. The whole shebang.

Eventually, we added in Zoloft.

I didn't let this one last as long as Lexapro. Less start up pains but I certainly wasn't happy after 8 weeks and I was already feeling that familiar NOTHING that made Lexapro unbearable for me.

We decided to give Prozac a try. From my childhood, we know I don't tolerate SNRIs well. So this was our last option for now. I'm fucking tired. My brain and body hurt. I need to recalibrate.

Prozac didn't last more than two weeks. This was just three weeks ago actually.

It was BAD. I thought I was going to die. My most responsed worse than ever and so did just my mind.

I'm lucky I have a loving partner and a good life. I'm so lucky I have years of therapy and a current therapist that kept me safe during this time.

Medication is for a lot of people and can save lives.

Not mine, though.

I almost lost mine.

I don't want to dwell on it too much. My therapist advocated for me and convinced my psych to let me go off all meds except Wellbutrin.

I feel more like myself than I have in a year and a half.

I'm mostly relieved. But I'm also scared for the future. And I feel weirdly ashamed that I couldn't tough it out on the medication route

The thing is...I have CPTSD. That is one definite thing. I have severe health anxiety. I know this for sure. Everything else is up in the air from a diagnosis perspective. It'll be good to go med free for a while to get a baseline for who I really am at this point.

On another note... My therapist started tracking my moods and it became apparent to her very quickly that my cycles have very definite effects on my emotions.

I got in with her referred gyno and I immediately got a PMDD diagnosis. More than that, with my physical symptoms, she is almost positive I have Endo which could be impacting my mental and physical state.

She wants me to start Norethindrone soon for 3 months to see if it helps. I'll do a separate post on this soon.

These posts are just for me, but I will tag them in case they are helpful for anyone. I'll discuss my physical and mental health as well health anxiety, food, and ADHD ideas.

I hope this helps me manage my thoughts. Having grown up in a very scary environment that has permanently altered how I navigate the world, I can only compare my experience with medications to that time. I felt isolated, scared, sick, tired, and completely and utterly unlistened to even when I felt like I was screaming for help.

This won't be easy, but we'll keep fighting. I love myself past, present, and future and I plan to protect Leigh with everything I have.

ODAAT