#i got pretty depressed so i am behind on my school work because a haven't done anything since Thanksgiving week i think

[tinathedragon]

I'm so annoyed. Took my car to get an oil change on Monday because I knew I would need it this coming week. My dad has two appointments and I also have two appointments.

I picked it up and on the way home I could smell the oil. I parked my car and I could see a bit of smoke/steam come out around the hood. I went inside to put my bags inside then came out to pop the hood. Idk what the fuck I was looking for but I knew something was wrong.

Got a call from the place after a few minutes. They said there was a leak and that I shouldn't drive the car. I was on my way out to get breakfast with my mom and sister. I didn't plan to drive my car the rest of the day.

Some guy came, I guess to put more oil idk. My brother then drove my car back so they could fix their mistake then drove it back.

I drove it a few days ago and I could smell the burn rubber smell so I cut my shopping trip short and my dad checked the oil again.

This time they added too much and didn't clean up the oil they spilled. So now I can't drive it until it gets completely cleaned and the excess oil is taken out🤬

[the-sun-is-also-a-star]

"For someone who loved words as much as I did, it was amazing how often they failed me."

-- If We Were Villains by M. L. Rio

“Because freedom, I am told, is nothing but the distance between the hunter and its prey.”

-- On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong

and as for poetry, i like to talk about "Written in my Dreams by W. C. Williams" by Allen Ginsberg with other people because it's short and rolls over the tongue nicely and i like to come back to it, puts a smile on my face, you know?

i'll also never forget "A Carcass" by Charles Baudelaire from when we read it at school years ago and then again in high school and i have now chosen Les Fleurs du mal as one of the books for my oral school leaving exam, so it's definitely one of those authors i read once and was never able to get out of my head

and last but not least, Louise Glück (may she rest in peace) and her "Theory of Memory" which includes the ending "Right now you are a child holding hands with a fortune-teller. All the rest is hypothesis and dream." and i simply don't have a choice but to love this one

i have so many more favourites, but these are the ones i can think of right now hehe <33

what r ur favourite poems and quotes??

those are brilliant actually

mine are quite, different to what one may think but i like finding meaning in things that other people think are only surface level :

思い出なんか いらん - we don't need memories

this is from the anime haikyuu LMAO which is a fucking volleyball anime and it is the team motto of one of the teams. It is quite honestly my life motto at this point. I used to live in the past, excused people for thing they do now because they were different in the past. they were different in my memories. I was so focused on the past i forgot to enjoy my present. I am done doing that. My memories hold me back. I am tired of it.

"to love and lose and still be kind" - warsan shire

this is pretty self explanatory. i dont think I've had a hard life. but i certainly haven't had an easy one. i have a habit of giving too much of myself to people. I'm working on rectifying that whilst still being kind.

"but i cut people out like tags on my clothing" - conan gray

I LOVE people watching its one of my favourite songs. but this line is really important to me. I've cut the tags off of my clothing for as long as I can remember. ever since i was a kid. I also have a habit of cutting out people the second they break my trust. as easy as cutting off tags from my clothing. I don't think its a good habit or a bad habit. it just. is.

"It's always the ones who are quietest who often have the greatest things to say" - TJ Klune, Wolfsong

This is from one of my favourite books of all time. I was a quiet child for a while. I never got excited for anything and after a while my parents suspected I had childhood depression, we still don't know for sure if I did. It makes a lot of sense though. It took me a while to become confident in my own voice and my own opinions. this quote is really important to me.

"Men don't cry. My daddy taught me that. Men don't cry because they don't have time to cry.

I must not have been a man yet because I cried. I bowed my head and cried." - TJ Klune, Wolfsong

This isn't personal to me in anyway, I just really, really love this part of the book and these two lines in particular.

"I'll be your hands." "I'll be your sanity." - TJ Klune, Ravensong

love has always been something I've read about. but this quote takes the damn cake.

as for poems,

At a Funeral by Dennis Brutus

I analyzed this poem for an English Lit class and the story behind why it was written really stuck with me. It was written after the death of Valencia Majombozi who was shot on the day of her graduation from nursing school. Its a protest poem and it just hits really fucking hard.

Death of a Naturalist by Seamus Heaney

This was the first poem that i ever took inspiration from. I had of course written before, but I really enjoyed Heaney's writing style so it strongly influenced my poem Quietude, which I am planning to submit to the empty inkwell publication...hopefully lol

Identity Card by Mahmoud Darwish

This poem is written as a form of protest poetry as well. Mahmoud Darwish was a Palestinian poet, for those of you who do not know and he wrote this poem about being asked for his identity card by Israeli Officers. Its really, really good.

[your-greatest-queen]

I know a lot of folks don't like ADHD meds, for a variety of reasons, but oh my god. Oh my motherfucking god. These are a godsend for me.

I've been on concerta for about a year now (lowest dosage) and it's helped improve my focus and has lowered my depression. I thought it was amazing. Recently, I got my dosage upped.

My bedroom was a high level depression pit. It was nasty. I haven't actually slept in my own bed in months because it was covered in stuff. But it was so overwhelming to look at that it triggered executive dysfunction with just a glance, and so I never could clean it. My room is now clean; reorganized, dusted, vacuumed, disinfected, redecorated- it's been YEARS since it looked this nice.

I'm in grade 12.5 because I was so dysfunctional in grade 11 that I dropped out halfway through. I spent grade 12 making up for it; but even then, on my first dosage and doing better, I wasn't doing great. I haven't taken notes in years. I have winged almost every test I've ever taken. I wrote every essay the night before it was due. Rough drafts who? I managed to pull decent grades, sometimes even pretty good ones. But it was never ending stress because of my habits and I was almost always behind.

I'm ahead in my classes now. I'm doing assignments the day they're assigned. I'm writing notes and brainstorming pages of ideas and breaking things down for myself. I'm getting straight 90s. I haven't felt this confident and secure in academics since middle school.

Our house was never totally clean. The basement (my charge) was always a disaster. Having people over was at best a little shameful and at worst downright humiliating. My mother cleans, but the messes she makes outweigh it. It was my job to handle the basics, at least, after school every day. I couldn't. I could do a few things, but I got burnt out or bored too fast to complete a day's work. Small projects were put off for months.

I come home from school now and within a couple of hours, I've vacuumed upstairs and downstairs, I've done the dishes, I've taken out the trash, I've brushed the cats, I've cleaned the living room and the kitchen, I've switched the laundry- yesterday I used the toilet and then just. Reorganized the entire bathroom. Today I came home and immediately untangled the huge knotted ball of my mother's necklaces that she asked me to fix for her weeks ago. On Saturday not only did I brush my cats, I also shampooed them, conditioned them, and clipped their claws.

I used to hoard clothing because going through them was the most tedious, boring task in existence. I've recently donated over six full garbage bags worth of stuff.

I used to have to write down every single task as soon as it was given, even if there were only two, because I'd always forget at least one thing. Now I can remember upwards of five things at once, even better than the person who assigned the task in the first place.

My moods feel more regulated, I'm socializing more, I'm advocating for myself in situations where I'd previously let people walk over me, I'm making goals for the future, I have more real free time, I'm less stressed- it's a little sad that I've spent almost a decade not getting this, but I am BEYOND thrilled that I get to have this now :D

Anyway, lil happy rant because I'm very very excited!! Thanks for reading, byyyye~

[haloguyfttp]

Hi, my name's Rode. What follows is a very long post because I'm depressed and feeling very lost, confused, and hopeless.

In 2016, I was diagnosed with Autism. At the same time, I was in a (questionable) relationship with someone, which ended in failure. The solitude and sadness of a failed relationship, coupled with this diagnosis, drove me to an extreme depression.

Funnily enough, I persevered for a while, coming to school regardless, and a friend of mine brought a new person into our small 3-person friend group. After a bit of a mess, I would enter a relationship with this person, one far more fulfilling than the 1st. Despite this, I for some stupid reason threw it away, saying things I had no reason to, and since he too wasn't 100%, the relationship and friendship ended there. Despite my attempts, he never contacted me again.

At this point, I've stopped attending school. I was taking medicine to help with my now horrid depression, and I only left the house on occasion to buy groceries for my parents, or go to my friend's house. Frankly, I don't know what happened after this. 2017 is pretty much lost to time, that's how bad my state was. What did happen was that 2017 was the year I became a NEET. I was technically still enrolled in school, if only for the next year until I "graduated", whereupon I would have a result sheet of nothing but Fs, as I never went to the final exam, nor attended any classes.

I don't know when in this timeline, I think somewhere in 2016(?), but the person from the 1st relationship returned and we reconciled as friends. Thus, there were 4 of us, all 3 of them continuing their studies, while I fell behind. And it has stayed this way.

2017 came and went, 2018, 2019

In 2019 my family had to make a choice. Money was slowly being eaten up, as my mom was laid off from work, and she earned the bulk of our finances. By the end of the year, our stuff was packed up and we moved to the Philippines, their home which I have no ties to beyond my bloodline.

2020, 2021, 2022

Pandemic didn't matter, I was a NEET anyway. In late 2022, I tried to get a job. With my parents' help, I got a simple job that I actually quite enjoyed. Just packing shit into bags essentially. Yet I couldn't do it. The noise of people outside the work room, the temperature changes as the room didn't have aircon, but the outside did. The 1 hour car ride both to and fro, with my dad needing to drive me. I quit in a week.

2023

We are here. Well the year's almost over, yet here I am. Still a NEET, having not had a single relationship since the 2 that ended in failure. I finally learned about the concept of being transgender, and that it aligned greatly with what I've felt for this whole story in the background, just another small thing eating away at my sanity as all this time passed. An answer to so many questions I'd had since I was a stupid child.

But the worst part? There's no end in sight. I still can't trust people. I still don't have any friends besides the 3 who thankfully stayed with me, even though I can't even meet them as the plane ride drives me insane. I haven't left my house except for rare times of necessity, like getting vaccinated.

I don't know what to do. It's funny. It's been 7 years. I've spent so much time reflecting, and learning, and even understood that I'm trans. Yet that sentence, "I don't know what to do" has persisted. I know I said that back then. And it's still true now.

Thanks for reading, if anyone did. I wish you a good day, afternoon, evening, and life. Oh and just in case, don't worry about my life. I will not be doing that. I'm not capable of doing that.

[lost-in-wond3rland]

Being on tumblr really just feels like being adrift in the middle of the ocean

It really does feel like no one else is on this hell site which is kind of great because I never feel bad about shit posting lol I don't think I've done anything BUT shit post about my current hyper fixations in YEARS lol (case and point, me re-blogging a bunch of red white and royal blue posts the other day because I finished reading the book and would like the movie now please-)

I forgot I used to write on here sometimes, or that I even could. Was it ever anything substantial? Nah. Just musings of a usually v depressed and out of wack teenager.

I am now a slightly less depressed out of wack adult lmao

All this to say, read at your own whim or risk or whatever. It's the internet dude, do what you want.

I'm starting grad school in a little over a month, and I know people talk about how daunting that is all the time. But what I haven't really seen is people talking about going into a program that has n o t h i n g to do with your BA. I'm essentially doing a bit of a 180 with my studies, and where everyone else has loads of experience, and knowledge, and is just so stupid fucking smart, I...

Well, that's just it, isn't it? The trail off. The ... .

Not to say (among other things) that I'm not "smart" per-say. I'm not dumb, I know that. But these people? Mannnnn, you guys should hear and see some of these people. It is nothing short of terrifying.

I've been feeling very Elle Woods in her "coming here was a mistake" era lately. But when I try to explain that, it's usually the same "don't get intimated!" "you're all just starting!" "you're going to be fine!" etceteras etceteras. Not necessarily untrue, but not necessarily true either.

I'm going into a program where I am leaps and bounds behind literally everyone. People older than me, people younger than me, doesn't matter. And it feels like as hard as I work, I'm always missing something. Always 10, 15, 20, 100 steps behind everyone else. We just had a month of an online intensive orientation where we were interacting, and talking on discussion boards, and doing homework... And somehow, I still cant get everything fully right. Down to choosing the wrong kind of photo to go on my fucking introduction slide. Like come on! Seriously!? I can't even get that right? It's...

Yeah. It's.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, with my smart lights set to purple, in a too big Spider-Man cardigan, with a Taylor Swift lofi playlist going on youtube, contemplating yet again how the fuck I got here.

I made the joke to my mom that I was just the diversity pick. She didn't find that nearly as funny as I did. I digress.

We're... working on it. Kind of, at least. Pretending to, more accurately.

I just feel... like I'm in a constant state of having to prove myself, because nothing is ever enough. Nothing has ever been enough. I have worked so hard to the point where I have been on the brink of passing out before and even that still was not fucking enough.

Enough for who? For me? For my parents? For the metaphorical "them"? For anyone? I don't know. All of the above?

For that, I have no concrete answer and yet piles and piles and piles of evidence showing that nothing has in fact ever been enough.

I'm complaining too much, aren't I? I know it's not. World ending. There are bigger things. "People are dying Kim!" I know (also no, my name is not Kim, please understand the reference I'm begging lol).

Just some casual almost 9pm thoughts I guess.

I have work tomorrow, had the day off today. I started a new job and of course that happened at the same time as the online intensive so maybe that exasperated all these feelings since I really have had not a goddamn clue as to what has been happening for almost a month now but. I digress. But the job is going pretty okay. Slowly, I've been able to start to figure that out. And I somehow made it to the Eras Tour this weekend which was mind meltingly amazing. So I shouldn't complain. I really don't have anything to complain about at all.

And yet.

And yet.

And yet.

Well, I'm gonna fuck off and read some fanfic now. If for whatever reason someone tortured themselves and made it to the end, whats your fic poison of choice lately? I've been reading loads of Irondad & Spiderson fics. Give me Peter "I take care of everyone but don't know how to take care of myself because I think I'm fine" Parker and Tony "100% has a heart and just wants his idiot pseudo son to realize it's okay for people to help you" Stark all day.

...does that reveal too much? Eh. It's fine, I'm fine.

-Seven

07.24.2023

[witchcraftingboop]

A Deity's Guidance

Today started interestingly, as some of you may well know.

I was pretty depressed and felt I couldn't even get out of bed, but I dragged myself out anyways. And then when I was in my sociology class, ignoring my ignorant professor, I started listing things I like to do, and the reading I did with Hera and Hades yesterday suddenly made sense to me.

You see, on Monday (today is Wednesday) I was at work and genuinely suffering trying to suppress my unhappiness and rage, general doubt and whatnot. I could feel Hades and Hera visiting me and trying to reach out to me, but I had to keep pushing them away because at my job we're not really allowed to stop working unless we hit certain keys that let corporate manipulate our stats and . . . It's complicated. I just told them we could talk later, but that I couldn't stop working at that time.

Fast forward a bit, I got home and fell asleep. I gave Hera an offering of a honey and oats granola bar in like a half-asleep, dazed state when I realized I forgot to talk with her that night. I felt bad. She seemed to appreciate it.

So yesterday, right, I lit some candles, gathered my babeh roks, and settled in to talk with my deities.

I called out to Hera first, and she essentially told me that I was missing something key to regaining balance and purpose in my life. I asked her what it was, and she was all "you know what it is, you left it behind and it's waiting for you." Of course, I asked, "But what it is though?" And she kind of just gave me the spiritual side eye and conceded with "you'll figure it out soon, it relates to your studies. I'm telling you, you know what it is."

My ass highkey thought it was food related. Because food always makes me happy and I haven't been buying much of it because I have no moneys.

So I called on Hades, asking him what he wanted to tell me. This boi . . .

Let me just . . .

We're doing the chat version!

Me: What divine knowledge doth thou haveth for me?

Hades: You feel you have no voice and are bound, unable to move, but your release is in your own hands. You have lost something.

Me, internally: Fuck, here we go

Me: What did I lose?

Hades: It's behind you. The cards are in your hands.

Me, internally: afgsdhhsa syhssfgathvdujg

Me: . . . Okay, but how can I find it?

Hades: *tosses the Sun card at me* Ask your Wayfinder.

This dude basically did the God equivalent of "go ask your mother."

Y'see, the Sun card is the one Hera gave me when she was saying: "I see all paths before you. I am here to help." So I was like laughing aloud, but I also wanted to scream because neither of them wanted to outright tell me what to do.

How does this relate to today?

So I was in class, making this list, and I felt Hera's presence, kind of as if she were leaning over my desk, like a teacher closely watching their student's progress. I started looking over the words I was writing and realized an imbalance of sorts.

All of the things I like about writing and creating novels were practice-based, things I'd done or studied that I had enjoyed toiling over, but my psychology list was essentially just "I like reading about this." And I realized that I haven't written anything since I started going to college or even thought about writing anything. Which is something of note for me since I used to write, on average, a minimum of 5k words a day since I was in middle school.

At this point, Hera's presence is like a thundering stampede in my mind. She's talking fast but I can't actually hear the words. So I kept writing down my thoughts, and when I came to the conclusion that I'm going to change my major, I was able to feel her emotions, her excitement and pride over me finding the thing she'd told me about.

And this whole experience, the gentle nudging I received without flat-out being given any solution, reminded me that a lot of deity work I see is people going to their Gods and expecting answers, concrete advice about how to deal with certain situations. I mean, yes, it was frustrating not being told what I'm supposed to do, but I welcomed their words nonetheless and was comforted by the fact that they even cared enough to bring it to my attention in the first place. And perhaps that's not what other people turn to their deities for, but I'm thankful that I was given direction so that I could find relief from one of my burdens.

Coincidentally enough, the stuff I ordered months ago and was wondering if it would ever arrive has been delivered today as well, so after meeting with my advisor, I'll have the opportunity to thank them both properly.

[thewellerman]

this post thing will be about happiness yay

you can probably guess from my previous posts, that i am not very happy. and that probably hasn't been the case for quite a while.

probably the last time i was truly happy was in august 2021. which was 1 year ago now.

the start of my current mental health problems started in feb 2021, when my uncle went into medically induced coma after 2 strokes, hes ok now btw.

but it's important to start here because, not long after, exams for us in High School were cancelled. this is important because now I wouldn't need to do as much revision for big exams at the end of the year, and we werent getting as much homework at this time either. so you can probably see the problem.

My mental health troubles have seriously affected my college work, I can see that now. In and out of college. but at the time, not knowing how bad my mental health was going to get, no exams or revision to do, with little homework to do and like 3 months of high school left before we left. so I wasn't going to notice the affect on my school work.

and after that I would have 4 months of time for my depression and anxiety to cement itself. even after starting college, I didn't realise how bad it was. with hindsight, I can tell that it was BAD.

It wasn't until November last year that I thought to myself, "wow, I got serious problems, like I should tell somebody." but my brain decided to play the anxiety card. It made telling someone about my mental health VERY hard. it also made telling anybody, anything at all very difficult.

at this point i started withdrawing from outside life, I used to love going for walks randomly, I stopped doing that really at this point. I would only do it when I had free periods in college, inbetween lessons. I stopped really talking to most friends, people I would chat to that don't go to my college, I just stopped talking to unless they messaged me. I started act really awkwardly around most people, including close family members, I would act around them, how I would act around a room full of strangers. and I would pretty much stay in my room all day.

But thank god, for my friend randomly deciding to message me in November. we're friends from High School and we hadn't really talked between Aug-Oct. but thankfully she randomly checked in on me, and after that we would have long, short whatever conversations. and these random conversations would really help me, escape from my shitty situation and just talk to someone, we never really had serious conversations, I certainly didn't tell her about my mental issues sadly. this might sound dramatic but I really think that if she hadn't done that, I might not even be alive right now, or at least I would be in a much worse state than I am now. so I truly am thankful to her for doing that, even I haven't told her that.

But, by December, I really started hating myself, I felt like I started acting like a completely person, and I really hated this person I had become, and I tried really hard to change who I was. like, I started dyeing my hair, I started to change my dress style. literally anything to change who from what I thought I had become.

My college work had also fallen behind, I was doing less and less homework and revision for tests. I was trying to do things that i used to enjoy, i had become sick and tired of my depression, I thought doing fun things would help me, I just wanted to be happy again, like I used to be. I just wanted to enjoy life again, but nothing was working.

I tried this for months, by February I realised that this wasn't working, I had to try something different to find something to be happy about.

that friend I talked about before, I didn't mention it, but I had a massive crush on her. I had it for years before then probably 3 years. and I kept it bottled up inside for that long, because I was just too scared to tell her. well by February I decided that I was finally going to tell her, mainly because I was tired of bottling it up for any longer, and also because she had done the same five years early on valentines day 2017, I didn't actually like her at the time so the relationship went nowhere. but I decided that I would do the same, In hindsight, It was really cringe, the way I delivered the message and I wont detail it, but she obviously said no and I felt really bad about it at the time.

But I'm glad I did do it, because it showed that, despite how hard it was, I could tell someone about something I had kept secret. and a month later in March, I decided to do a similar thing, and tell my other friend about my mental issues. he's the only one that knows the full extent of my issues, other people who know, like my parents and a college councillor don't know the full extent of it.

and I'm done writing this, it's making me super depressed, see ya.

[drmommible]

15 February 2022

I started to write a post yesterday, but I was feeling really blah yesterday. I had some pretty high anxiety and I think I had a bit of depression going on as well, because I started to write and I felt completely paralyzed. I don't know why.

Part of it might have been because today is the third day in a row I have worked, and I haven't really seen my kids since Sunday before they went to Get Air with Daddy and then I went to work. I did go in and kiss them goodnight when I got home last night. Also I haven't been sleeping well, so there's that as usual.

I couldn't do much of anything during my shift but stare at the time, wanting to be home and in bed.

I am going to have to remember to not work this many days in a row. I really miss the kids--of course, they will be driving me crazy tomorrow afternoon when i pick them up from school, but hopefully we can have some fun too.

We got Orson's FAST scores, and his reading is slowly getting better, but he's pretty far behind where he should be reading. That being said, he is getting a lot better--and he's jumped a few reading levels at school and in his reading program at school. I have noticed a difference when he reads, and his writing is getting better too. Bill thinks he should get in a little bit of trouble for not doing better--I think we should give him more carrot than stick at this point. It's not like he's getting worse--he's getting better on his own terms. I think we are going to go to the library on Friday when school is out and I am going to let him check out whatever he wants so long as he will actually read them. And that he needs to pick out a couple books he would read out loud.

This is not the most exciting entry. There's not a lot going on, just work and home at this point.

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.

[ridiculousprincess420]

Even before I type a word, my flesh fights to distract me. My flesh has fought my spirit for so long....I almost came to believe I would never be able to calm my spirit and focus on His promise. When we speak of God's promises, we mostly focus on the ones that make us feel better. He promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us, He draws near to the brokenhearted, He will comfort us like a mother comforts her child, He promises His followers hope and a future, His love never ends, His mercies never cease, He promises that whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life....that no man can pluck us out of his hand and He promises that there will be a day that He will come back for all of the souls covered by Jesus' blood... Those are all incredible promises...almost unfathomable... but there's one of those promises that I have never been able to wholly accept with a happy heart..What if theres a promise that you arent ready for? It is my sinful human belief, I'm sure, but I have struggled hard with it since I was a child... I remember at even nine years old just struggling hard to accept something I knew to be a promise that I am supposed to be overjoyed about. I remember crying...and I mean falling on my face before Him as a child with such a heavy heart.... I've always known that I would never marry, I would never bear children.. I've always known I would never have my dream career or adult life.... because even as a young girl, Ive known the return of our Lord-as a theif in the night-would be while I was young. I know you must be judging me harshly now....how ungrateful I must sound. The creator of our universe will destroy the Earth and replace it with a new Heaven & a new Earth....and only His followers will join Him. And this gift of eternal life was given to me as a gift... and here I am...the audacity of me.... believe me, I am not proud. I'm actually very ashamed and I haven't spoken many times about this.... I am very ashamed that I feel entitled to a future on this Earth.. Do I want to be left behind in order to fulfill my deadend dreams on a steadily declining Earth to experience the sheer terror and evil that is to come ? NO!! Heavens no!! I jus can't understand why this is the generation I was born in....I don't understand why I couldn't have babies first or experience so much of the goodness that I long for... I have suffered with anxiety and depression pretty much since the beginning of my teen years--14,15,etc. & I have had so many fights with my parents about school, career choices, etc & I have always felt defeated knowing it wouldn't really matter. Me too... while I was writing that I was flipping through my bible jus to keep my hands busy and the scripture that caught my eye was Luke 10:42 which is where Jesus went to visit Mary and Martha... martha was cooking and preparing and so distracted but mary...she gave her undivided attention to Jesus as she sat at his feet...Martha got aggravated and asked Jesus dont you think it's unfair that I'm doing all the work and she's just sitting here? Tell her to help me!! And He said Martha, you're upset and worried over these details...there's only one thing worth being concerned about..Mary has discovered it...and IT WILL NOT BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER. I think we are Martha....