#i go APESHIT about his legacy i just think. he's always going to be remembered for how fucking annoying he was

[talentforlying]

bluebell:  does your muse learn from their past, or are they prone to repeating the same mistakes? — BOTANICAL HEADCANONS ( @ohsunshine )

the two are so intermingled that they're practically a separate, unique entity at this point, i fear. he absolutely learns from his past, and has tempered every inch of himself to manage / withstand the impulses and overconfidences that have led him to ruin before, but in doing so he can become overconfident that he's changed, and indulge in the same impulses under a false notion that he's going about it differently this time around. learning and acting on what he's learned are two different animals in the end, and he's only got a leash on one of them.

bay tree:  does your muse seek glory & accolades, or do they favour a simpler, more personal life?

he used to, but not anymore. he's come to associate glory with the spoonful of sugar that makes horrific acts of violence go down, and the closest to seeking accolades that he gets nowadays is wanting to be needed, or wanting to be necessary / irreplaceable in people's lives; he both loves and hates being the only one for a job. he's come to see the simpler, more personal life as an unattainable ideal, but god, will he continue to try and reach it. one of these days. maybe. hopefully.

sage:  what is your muse’s legacy? what do they want to be remembered for & what might they actually be remembered for?

he's the hellblazer. he's john fucking constantine. he's the guy who tricked the devil and killed the shadow dog, the bastard that burnt the tate club, the evil-eyed fucker who scared your cousin so bad he didn't leave his house for a week. he's a world-class arsehole, and a fucking prick, and a liar, and a conjurer of cheap tricks — and whatever else you think of him? the world won't be the same when he finally leaves it, if he ever does.

as for what he wants to be remembered for, this is a funny one, because he actually got to sit in on his own funeral, once. the speech that rick the vic gave then was meant for everyone from chas to his sister to the remaining members of the newcastle crew, and even though almost all of them have died since and there's no one but chas and constantine himself to remember it, i think he would be content if his ultimate legacy stayed anywhere near similar:

"there is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the lord." tell that to john constantine. john followed no creed save his own, and i for one will not condemn him for it. he walked from darkness into light and back again, and made enemies from camps both good and evil on his way. he would not accept that judgments of morality or society, no matter how powerful the structures that supported them. in fact, he trusted no judgment save his own when choosing courses, loves, and friends . . . which is, perhaps, why he ended up with us. i would like to finish what i hope has been a mercifully short sermon by stating that john will never be forgotten, except that i would, i fear, be stating the overwhelmingly obvious."

and what he might actually be remembered for . . . as long as chas chandler is still alive, john constantine will be remembered at the very least as a friend. and that's the best he could hope for, really.

tulip:  answered here!

[backyardfun]

Recent thoughts on Jikook...

Opposites do not always attract, and I don’t think of jikook as straight opposites either. There’s a lot to unpack when you look at BTS and coming to any quick conclusion is a little presumptuous, because we only know so much. The fact that we know that jikook are close is because they don’t mind doing things out of group activities together out in the public. It comes with a risk and also is maybe a big factor in their relationship(platonic or not). they just can’t help but be together all the time. which in of itself, spawns romantic thoughts right? Because hell, if any of us commoners were doing any of that, well people would also think that maybe something was going on. Except that BTS is like...still rising and they get busier and tour and don’t really have time for anyone but each other, respectively. Which is also interesting, because when you think about it, nobody wants to be constantly surrounded by their s/o. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right? Like it’s nice for some time, but it can become a real burden really easily. At least we know that they don’t always share rooms now so that gives them some sort of respite (i’m in no way saying that any members don’t like each other, as an introvert however i have a deep understanding of people’s need for alone time).

So how does jikook find balance through all that? Hypothetically, if they are indeed in a relationship, how do they make it work with all the attention they get from the outside world and what exactly, hypothetically, to be out and public? there are three very simple answers: they’re not a couple (bear with me), homosexual relationships are making strides but are still frowned upon and the third comes in correlation with the second one; they might lose some of their fanbase. Also, it’s none of anybody’s business. That might be it. That might just be one of the biggest issues they have, however when you think about it, it’s not really an issue. Because Jungkook is getting bolder with his actions and Jimin is not stupid, he chooses to respond to it. I don’t think anyone in BTS wakes up trying to find ways to discredit anyone else, actually they are so supportive of each other’s personal projects. So the fact that jikook promotes their relationship so much and that nobody says anything, but acts like it’s a problem, is also something that makes my ears tingle.

Namjoon is always, always, coming in between them publicly. If he isn’t, something is likely to happen. Jungkook gets on his knees, Jimin steps on Jungkook’s foot. There’s always something going on. Then again Namjoon can’t be everywhere and he’s not anyone’s mom. But if you look at it objectively, a concert or interview is not always the best way to gage anyone’s relationship. It’s not so much what jikook does to me, it’s how the other members react to it. Because you know Jimin touches everyone. It’s how he shows love and support. I don’t go apeshit watching jikook touch each other on stage like yes that’s lovely, it’s all lovely to me all of BTS is beautiful and I enjoy every single moment between any member. I live for bros supporting each other. This is hard on them. What makes me believe this is different is how other members react to it. You know what I’m talking about so I’m not going to delve into that for too long, but this is one of the reasons why I think jikook is special. If I’d base my thoughts of jikook on physical touching, hell, Jimin would be dating all of BTS, but I digress…

There’s also the fact, that we can always look back on GCF Tokyo…. And the fact that Jimin and Jungkook(but mostly Jimin) never shut up about it. Yes, taking someone on a trip for the first time is nice, yes taking them to all those beautiful places and even Disneyland is…. Lovely. But filming it? Posting it? Putting a particular song with suggestive(romantic) connotations? BTS isn’t stupid. BigHit let it happen… so what does that tell us? That whatever their relationship is, it’s monitored. If Namjoon’s constant presence (interfering is a bit harsh but I’ll put it out there anyway) is another tell as well. There is something there, something that’s a little more than a common friendship, which I will elaborate on now.

The box syndrome. It’s when you find yourself surrounded constantly so much by the same person/people that you start building an attraction for them physically or mentally that you would not otherwise, in any other context. I try to think of it objectively of course, at the end of the day no one knows anything 100%  which is why it’s good to remind yourself that BTS isn’t going to last forever. I know it’s the saddest thing to think about, but the truth of it is as such; BTS will not go for eternity. There’s also military time that comes into perspective and omfg the next five years might get bittersweet, but hey, their legacy is what matters, ok? My point is (don’t cry) is that nobody that does anything the way jikook are doing now, comes out unscathed. Ok? I read this in a fanfic lately and it had possibly one of the best descriptions of love I’ve stumbled across so far but love is when the other person fills out the empty space. It’s when you talk and open yourself. In those spaces, the other person creeps in. In the silent pauses you fall deeper. In the unspoken and human gestures--in the unintentional actions, when they’re unconscious you’re in awe-- that you fall deeper and deeper. (I screenshotted it so I don’t remember the name of the fic but I will hunt it down and give proper credit).I worry about what is going to happen to them afterwards. The closeness someone brings can also leave behind a huge gap. If the hypothesis that they’re in fact living together right now is true, then does that mean that they’ll keep doing it once they don’t professionally have an excuse to? Would friendship be enough?

Finally, I mean I could go on but this is getting stupid long, you might say they’re seeing other people. But again, think about it. Even if some of their stares and touches are fanservices, there are still some gestures that are born out of instincts. For example the last vlive. Now, I’m not going to go into some deep, deep observation of the jikook moments that happen but rather, the entirety of it. Again, I have to point out that there was a LOT to unpack. There is also the in between tweet Jimin took of Jungkook right? So really we had a solid hour and half glimpse into what happened last night in New York. I won’t bother you with details… but I wanna talk about how Jimin acted in those first five minutes, versus how he acted afterwards. Again, without going into detail, Jimin’s action were intimate, his voice was softer and jikook just has that general glow when they’re together. Like yes Jimin touched other people, but it didn’t have that same vibe and the same context. All ship aside, it was a very sweet and precious moment… shared with no one but each other so….

Jikook is loud and that’s why people worry when they’re quiet, but honestly I don’t ever worry because of the whole absence makes the heart grow stronger and they’re not exclusive. Like, they get along with other members and do other stuff with them, they don’t have to constantly be at each other’s mercy and side. Isn’t it enough that they’re already almost inseparable and keep colliding into each other? Satellites, forreal.

Again, I would like to say that these are just thoughts and that as human beings we should respect the privacy of everyone, including our favorite artists. Go stream Boy With Luv and I hope that you have a nice day. Borahae.

[skysphoenixmode-blog]

Sneak 6

Texas Longhorns Football and Basketball: Why they are not just two other teams. Why they are a part of me and I mean a big part of me (Hoops is first as far as rankings but I’m going to be talking football first and save Hoops as the best for last)

                             Chapter Song: UT Detroit

                                Chapter Song: Flux Pavilion- I won’t stop

                           Chapter Song: MAKJ x Max Styler- Knock Me Down

       Chapter Song: Clean Bandit Ft Jess Glynne- Rather Be (LDND remix)

                                     Chapter Song: The Eyes of Texas

                                   Chapter Song: Texas Fight

 (Takes a deep breath in excitement) Ahhhhh I have been looking forward to this one. This one is going to be hands down my number 1. Plus, this one is going to be fun. I mean really fun!!!!! Why? Because it is about the two things that has brought me consistent peace in my life especially since I have been here in Austin. That being my guys for both football and basketball. Then Longhorn Nation. While this city is constantly changing, the one thing that remains true to the true Austin People is Longhorn Nation. When you are in Longhorn Nation, at least through my eyes, it isn’t about how rich you are. It isn’t about whether you get pussy, or how much money you have. Last but not least, it doesn’t matter whether you are the fucking shit or a god in the real world. Oh no no no no no. In Longhorn Nation, we all look out for one another. The true people. I say true because some in Longhorn Nation are part of the other group. The other group that is a whole bunch of Whiney Little bitches. Yeah, I said it!!!!!!!! Here is why!!! Every time we lose even when we are not having a shitty season, it is the same damn thing. OH, FIRE SHAKA SMART!!! FIRE AUGIE GURIDO!!!!!! FIRE CHARLIE STRONG!!!!!! I Mean come on that is just stupid and obviously I’ am not talking about all of Longhorn nation. There are a few rotten pieces of cherries in the pie if that makes sense? There is a process to go by. It can’t always be just the other half throwing fucking tantrums every time we lose. Otherwise we are going to never make process towards our ultimate goal that being a national championship. The only one we really don’t have a national championship for major sport wise is men’s basketball and women’s. I don’t care much for our women’s hoops team not because I have anything against them. We are one of the best in the country. Karen Aston has done a phenomenal job and I mean I do like our women’s team. Especially the one we have right now. Brooke McCarty, Ariel Atkins, Joyner Holmes, and then the Caron-Goudreau Twins (Khaleann and Audrey-Ann) as their main players. That’s pretty good and I will watch a game or two here and there but otherwise when it comes to Texas, I’m more football and men’s hoops. I Will support any other of our programs when they are in a big event or something else like a national championship and it happens to be the only thing on but hoops and football come first when it comes to Texas. Before I begin, I want to lay out my process of how any coaching job should go when first hired. Also, fans just need to chill the hell out a little.

1.    3-4 Years max for the first contract unless you either are just 100 percent terrible or worse than the last coach or you prove already with a major title and what not. Year 1, getting your feet wet.  Year 2, As you start to get more of your guys in, start to show a little progress. Year 3, High Expectations. Win. A LOT!!!!!! Year 4, pending on how your first few years go, if you are struggling big time then year 4 needs to be THE year to show your fan base and your front office that the patience that we all have had for you will be worth it. Otherwise you are GONE!!!! Now if it’s opposite where you establish a Culture of consistent winning and a foundation, then well go APESHIT!!!!!!

 2.    The front office/Boosters/Administration needs to shut the hell up and let the damn coach well COACH!!! Example, when Charlie Strong first got hired to Texas, Red McCombs (yes, I know he is one of our biggest donors) opened his mouth and basically said this is NOT MY COACH!!!!! Well he may donate to the programs but he is not Greg Fenves or Mike Perrin. (Steve Patterson was before Mike Perrin and he was the one who hired Charlie, not Mike). Pretty much, Charlie never got a fair shot I felt like. I liked Charlie Strong a lot. Now I am very glad we got Tom Herman. Do not get me wrong. I was very happy we got Tom Herman. Had we not hired him, I would’ve hoped for either Jimbo Fisher from Florida State. Les Miles. Or even somehow someway Nick Saban (Although he is a hall of fame coach at Bama and his legacy basically lies in Tuscaloosa, crazier shit has happened). Otherwise I thought Charlie should’ve gotten one more shot for a year four. (I do have something to say about that here shortly) Outside Interference from people like Red McCombs should not be allowed because while there are some good seeds in fan bases like Longhorn Nation, others who whether they are the equivalent of a normal whack job only instead it’s just a Longhorn Nation whack job, once they listen to a guy like Red McCombs then oh shit it is on. I Just think the booster clubs in general are stupid. I don’t even care if it is from someone who went to the same university that he or she is donating too, it’s stupid. Really, I just think it is. It should be the university. Not a fucking booster club. Ever since then, the pressure was set on Charlie since day 1. Especially when Charlie had a messed-up roster of Mack’s (Talking about Mack Brown) leftovers. Everybody deserves a fair Chance.

   3.    I get that an organization or a program has a history of a winning culture etc. but there comes a point where every origination and every program will go through a rebuilding process. Again, back to our football team as an Example. I have nothing against Mack Brown who was there before Charlie Strong. Mack Brown had a great history. He established his legacy here in Austin. Consistent 10 win seasons, Multiple Big 12 titles, a national championship. That is amazing. We had 4 total national titles for football and then Mack gave us one more. I’ am very grateful about that. However, he just wasn’t getting it done the last several years especially on the recruiting trail and the thing about our fan base in Austin, a good chunk of them still were impatient and expected a national championship every single fucking year and that is not always going to be case especially when we have teams like Alabama, LSU, Oklahoma, Clemson, Ohio State, USC (at the time), etc. We were still winning and making bowl game after bowl game after bowl game after bowl game. Maybe didn’t win them all but we still did alright. However, the thing about it is, while I still have love for most of Longhorn Nation, our fan base is one of the worse. They remind me of the Dallas Cowboys fan base. People just need to shut the hell up and R-E-L-A-X, relax. Years 1 and 2 needs to be the honeymoon years no matter what then year 3 and 4 need to be the critical years. That’s it. Game, set and match.

   Now for the real fun. Now for the real part. When it comes to college teams, I used to be a Missouri Tigers fan growing up in Missouri. The university was located in Columbia which was 3-4 hours away from my hometown of Branson. So, I didn’t get a chance to go up there a lot to do fun stuff when it came to Mizzou athletics. Which sucked but I still loved the City of Columbia especially during the other times I got to go up there. Living in Austin though especially with it being one of the Largest college towns in the country. When I first moved here to Austin, I was still a Mizzou supporter. When it came to sport shirts etc. I had mostly Mizzou gear and New Orleans Saints gear, I still do but more saints gear. Over time I became a Texas Longhorn. It really started 5 years ago. I went to a couple of Texas Longhorns hoops games originally as a way to get me out of the house because I didn’t have a lot going for me when I first moved here because I took the year off after I graduated high school in 2011. We Played Vanderbilt and I believe also I want to say Texas-Arlington. I don’t remember for sure the second one but we did win both of them. It was fun. All of a sudden, as I started to learn more about the history of Texas Hoops, about how we always would come so close to the finish line but then we would take major steps back. The laughing stocks of the country, people hating us and not believing in us, something clicked. I started going to more and more games the rest of that year. It became something I enjoyed. Whenever stressful events happened during that first year, I found that to be a healthy escape. Way better than what most people use for escapes from everyday situations. When it came to anger I may have had, just to be able to take it out on the opposing team and also since I compared my situation to our current situation within our program, it felt like it was us against the World. Every time we won, it would be a fuck you to our biggest haters. Starting year 2 on, I became a season ticket holder. Although since I went to pretty much the remainder of our games during year 1.

Year 2: It was my big 21st birthday present. My old man, my stepmom, and my grandpa Ben went in on it.

Year 3: My mom and my grandma Sandra went in on it with my father for my birthday again.

Year 4: I busted my ass during my contractor position at my old job. I paid for about 75 percent of it. My grandma Sandra did the other 25 percent. It was worth it. The only thing that sucks is that I was hoping for a damn good year. One of our best years. It ended up being one of our worse. 11-22. Dead last in the Big 12

Year 5: The old man is doing it for me as a Birthday Present yet again. At this point it really is the only thing for the most part that I want for my birthday

 Year 6 on: To Be determined

 Alright now onto why both Texas Football and Hoops are not just two other teams to me. They have become a big part of me.  When they lose, I lose. I just want to say before I start that Mizzou and the City of Columbia will always have a special place in my heart. The city is beautiful. The campus, especially the middle of campus and the south side near Faurot field, Mizzou arena, and the athletic facilities are just breathtaking. However, I now have officially and have been for a while, became full on Texas Longhorns first. Both Hoops and Football. Over any of my NFL teams, MLB teams, NBA teams and then my DFW teams in all those areas.

Up first, football.

 Texas Football: I completed the full-on transformation from Mizzou to Texas but only this time in football during Charlie Strong’s second year in Austin during the 2015 season. Mizzou and Texas did have history together from their days in the Big 12. They used to be big rivals even though Mizzou was in the North division and Texas was south. I watched a few of those games that they played against each other and I also watched a few Texas Longhorns games here in there but obviously I wasn’t as crazy about them as I am now. Mizzou left for the SEC in 2012 which was a shocker because people were talking about how they won’t survive going up against the Likes of Alabama, LSU, South Carolina, Auburn, Florida, etc. Well unfortunately to all the naysayers, we did alright the first couple of years in the SEC. Then we started to take a downfall. Well the transformation officially took place week 3 of the 2015 season when we were playing Oklahoma State here in Austin. We lost 30-27 thanks to the stupid bullshit phantom calls by the officiating crew that day and then the fucked up missed extra point kick by our kicker Nick Rose but right there and then with that being my first official College Football game in the place that I was already used to calling home and with the majority of fan base that I was used to calling my second family because of being a hardcore hoops fan for Texas already for 3 years. I enjoy going to Longhorn football games at DKR just because the Atmosphere is full of energy and passion. Being outdoors, exciting playmaking, watching guys go back and forth tackling and beating the hell out of each other. It’s why I love football already but Texas football became yet another part of me because of the history behind the program. The tradition. The passion. Also, because while most of Longhorn Nation were acting like whiny little bitches and always being critical but of the wrong things, I felt they needed another voice on the opposite side who isn’t all doom and gloom after every loss. Who will be their biggest critic but also their biggest defender because again Longhorn nation while I love my Longhorn Nation family, most of them are dumb and whiney little bitches. Almost like little kids who throw a tantrum because they don’t get what they want. That is one thing we do not need is a bunch of whiney little bitches who whine and complain when they don’t get what they want even if it’s just the littlest of things. I Do that more with Hoops though because that has been even bigger with me than football but I still do it for football. Sometimes people need to be called out for some of the aconite bullshit they say. I’ll give you a quick basketball example because it does have to do with both. Shaka Smart who is the current coach of our hoops squad, year one back in 2015-2016 he did very well in his first season. Got some major wins. Etc. Had that full court desperation buzzer beater shot that Paul Jespersen of Northern Iowa went for not went in during the first round of the 2016 NCAA tournament, I guarantee you we could’ve made it to the sweet 16 maybe even elite 8. That is how good I thought we were that year. This past year when we lost a lot of experience even though all the guys who left were not Shaka Smart guys and that we were trying to start bringing in Shaka’s guys, we struggled big time. Lot of Freshmen, no point guard, injuries, very little experience together, distractions, we struggled big time. While yes, I got frustrated because I hate shitty seasons especially when they are like last year, I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have seen stupid dumbass comments made by some of the whiney little impatient Fairweather bitches about oh how hiring Shaka was a major mistake, he can’t win but yet they don’t pay attention to the facts like how me and the real Longhorn Nation Members do. All they care about is Championships every single year and I mean EVERY SINGLE FUCKING YEAR WHEN THEY SHOULD KNOW THAT NOTHING EVER COMES EASY!!!!!!!! I have a message, another one to the whiney little bitches at the end of this chapter. People like me or some of my twitter followers who I know are true Longhorn Nation members, we are more reasonable, we get pissed too but not like some of these stupid impatient unreasonable fucks. Any who, my favorite thing the most about DKR and Longhorn Football games are late afternoon and night games especially at sunset and under the lights. If you are sitting in the upper decks, you get a very beautiful view of downtown Austin. Whether it’s the sun shining on the city during sunset or the downtown city lights at night. It is so beautiful. Very beautiful Scenery. Last year during the 2016 season, I went to not 1, not 2, not 3 but four games. The first one was because like my father said during the divorce right as it was getting ready to end, make more progress but also make more memories. So as a Father’s Day present, I took him to our second game of the year against UTEP and it was a night game. It was beautiful. We killed UTEP 41-7. Easy peasy. Shit after the first half, we went into the Alumni center as guests of Glenn and Michelle’s with them and Michelle’s family. Had a fun time just sitting back, having some beers, chatting, shit talking other big 12 teams, it was fun. Well just when I thought originally that was the end of my live college football in person for the season………. I was wrong. Glenn and Michelle had to go out of town during the weekends of the final 3 home games of last season. So, they basically hooked me and my father up with tickets to our game against Baylor Which you already know we won 35-34 and it was raining hardcore. It was exciting right to the end. You also know my story about everything else that day. West Virginia, lost 24-21 and then just me for our final home game of the season against TCU the day after thanksgiving which we lost 31-9 and it was Charlie Strong’s final game in Austin. It was heartbreaking to watch. The best thing though was that their seats were on the lower deck like about 10-12 rows up from the North End Zone so we got to see shit up close. It was great. I met some of their friends during the Baylor game, all very nice guys. Unfortunately, I didn’t see them the rest of the year. However, the one major difference between my football guys and my basketball guys, is I don’t have quite the reputation with football that I have with hoops. So to close this part, let me just say this, although I have yet to have more memories at DKR than I have at Frank Erwin, last year’s football season not only gave me some of my few rare great memories of what has been otherwise a hell year, not only did I got to see some exciting moments thanks to Glenn and Michelle, not only did I develop yet another thing I enjoy that gives me a healthy escape as well but Texas Football gave me two people who although they were already close friends with my father, they gave two more amazing people in my life who I not only consider close friends but also family. Who I will do anything for at any time whenever they need it when it matters most. Glenn and Michelle, once again I love you guys so very fucking much, thank you so much for all you do for me and my father, and just for your friendships to me and my father. You two are absolutely wonderful human beings and we need more people like you guys on this earth and yeah just I fucking love you two. You ever need anything? Anything at all? You know I’m here as well. Much love. You two are not only just two good friends of ours, you guys are part of our family. Love you both more than you know. And with that ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of the football part.

 P.s: Forgot to add in general that since Austin is a football town, got to blend in you know haha.

 Hoops, you are up next.

Alright I absolutely mean what I say when Texas Basketball is and has been the number one true thing in my life. Does anybody want to know why I call them my guys? Do ya? Because it’s true. Also, because ever since two years ago, I have started to build a great reputation within our squad, don’t matter who it is. Don’t matter who is on our team and it doesn’t matter who is coaching, I mean what I say when I have developed a great reputation within our squad. All started with a rally message that I sent to the members on our squad two years ago back at the beginning of 2015 during the start of Big 12 play. Almost all of them retweeted it. True story. I now have gotten more involved during the season when it comes to taking critics off of their backs, arguing with people who do not and I mean DO NOT pay attention to the facts, being their biggest critic but also biggest defender. Shit it even got to the point where I have some of them friends with me on Snapchat (Kendal Yancy, Isaiah Taylor, Cam Ridley, Eric Davis, Kerwin Roach, Ryan McClurg), one following me on Instagram (Joe Schwartz) and then one on Twitter along with one of our coaches (Mareik Isom and Mike Morrell). Oh yeah they know who I’ am. Even met a few of them. Met Myles Turner on campus one day during his freshman year. I met Dylan (Osetkowski) during Orange and White Night last year. Got a picture with him, really cool dude. I also met Kerwin (Roach), Andrew (Jones), and Tevin (Mack). Joe already knew who I was. I never met Eric but I did discover he was dating a friend of mine at one point last year. But it was cool to tell them welcome back for some and then welcome to Austin for the rest. I really wanted to meet James (Banks) and Jarrett (Allen) and get a pic with the Fro Bros. (That was their nickname given to them by Shaka) I mean I wanted to be able to say to people who asks who are they that its Jarrett Allen and James Banks aka the FUCKING FRO BROS I MEAN WHO CAN SAY THEY GOT A PIC WITH THE FAMOUS TEXAS FRO BROS HAHAHAHAH I WISH I COULD’VE. The previous one I met was Mareik Isom during the Kansas game this past year post game. Really good kid and a fine young man. When he was on the court last year, he was playing a style I have never seen before and right there I saw something special in him. So, to any NBA team out there, if you see Mareik play or have him practice or work out for you, sign him. You will not be disappointed. Wanted to get the fact that I had the honor to meet some of them out there. Now here is the other reason why Texas basketball is special to me outside of squad wise. I’ve had some of my many great memories at Frank Erwin Center etc. (I call it Frank Erwin for Short) from moments like Javan Felix’s game winning 2 point shot against #3 UNC in December 2015, to Beating then Number 3 Oklahoma here in Austin later on that same season when 2016 rolled around to Andrew’s game winning 3 point shot to beat Oklahoma here again this past year to winning round 2 of Waco Night against Baylor in Waco at the beginning of last year to Isaiah Taylor’s 25 points against those Damn Jayhawks to beat them here during the first year I started going to Frank Erwin. There are more but those are my favorites with Javan’s game winning 2 point shot in December of 2015 during Shaka’s first year against #3 UNC being number 1 so far. When that happened, we had a full house at the Erwin Center that night, Isaiah Taylor went for the first attempt from 3. Missed it, it bounced, Javan rebounded it and then with about 2 seconds, he started to make the shot and it got off right before the buzzer. It bounced on the back of the rim and then Boom went right in. We lost our minds in a good way. Unfortunately, our celebration was delayed because the refs had to review it to be sure. Took about 2 minutes and then it was confirmed. Holy shit we all really lost it. I literally fell to my knees and cried tears of joy. Out of all my years and all the wins and losses I have witnessed and been a part of at Frank Erwin and as a hardcore supporter and member of Longhorn Nation especially for hoops, that was as of right now hands down the best night and win I have been a part of. It almost felt like we won the national championship. It wasn’t obviously but it was close. Trust me, winning a big 12 title or a natty would be even more huge. It was huge for me though that night because it was during the first shitty year of two, the fact that the one thing in my life that gave me consistent happiness just gave me a moment to celebrate. Especially when otherwise it was a rare occasion that I got to have peace or moments to smile about because of all the other shit around me whether stuff that was going on inside my head or stuff that was truly going on and then when everything else around me slowly started to fall apart. Now when we win the national championship in hoops which it is coming, I’m just going to tell you right now that I personally will not only turn this city into an even bigger and better party than the hipsters, corporate scumbags, rich people and the party people’s party that is SXSW. I fucking promise you that. That is going to be a party for us. For the real Austinites and members of Longhorn nation. Not for the majority of little whiny bitches of Longhorn Nation and then for the goddamn Hipsters, corporate Scumbags, rich privies, etc. THAT IS FOR US!!!!!!!!! FOR US!!!!! F O R (Space) U S, FOR FUCKING US!!!!!! Ahhh I feel better. My point being is, what do I mean when I say this has been consistent as well? Because growing up until this point, I never had a lot to smile about. It’s true. Many of my great memories happened throughout these last 4 years because of this experience. Frank Erwin Center not only is just another arena to me, it’s my sanctuary. My getaway place away from everything and everyone when chaos in the rest of the areas of my life happen and everything starts to piss me off. This team, my guys are not just another team to me. Even though some may not know know me personally, they know who I’ am and my undeniable support for them. Also, I do consider them family. The Longhorn Nation Family. Why? Because we all go to battle together every season and night in night out. Longhorn Nation looks out for each other. Doesn’t matter how but it’s true. The story, the background about how we always come so close but yet no one ever believes in us. How everyone laughs at us, how we don’t belong. Not only will I stand with and by them through the great and the not so great but also Well that’s a team I can get behind which is why and now most importantly, when I say that when it comes to things that make me happy and give me peace that doesn’t have to do with everyday life, for my number 1 this will always come first. My guys will come first. Offseason, ok because the one thing in my life and the one best and consistent time of my life is not here so ok. However when the season is here which is my time of year, unless it is a dire emergency etc. and as long as nothing in my life like work, important family situations etc. aren’t happening, then this will always come first to me. People are just going to have to accept that. I even have a rule that unless I say you can bother me during the season whenever its gameday or game night and also emergencies, no body and I mean nobody is to bother me on game nights. My guys will come first even over other events, sex, etc. I mean always. Yeah, my father may say that eh when it comes to romantic relationships, that may not always be the case but I will make it the case. I mean what I say when this has been the one true and consistent thing of my life throughout my years on this earth especially the last several years in Austin. Most of the time as long nothing real life wise is going on when I’m in a relationship, I’ll do what my girl wants to do as long as she is not a bitch and as long as it doesn’t cost me money but when it comes to my guys, I don’t care what anybody says…. they will always come first. No buts about it. Only real-life situations and events will possibly interfere with that and might have a case but not much.  Otherwise this will always come first. As I always say, you want to see a really happy Sky win or lose? Well that is what the season is here for and what my guys are here for. It prevents me from losing my shit completely because of everything going on to the point where I want to literally kill almost everybody. So yes, now you know how much this means to me and how much I mean everything I say. It’s what happens when the one thing in my life that has given me consistent peace and happiness always comes through when it matters most.

Then of course, I don’t have to be somebody I’m not when it comes to Longhorn Nation and this experience. I’ am free and I don’t feel trapped.

 Oh yeah want to know where I got the title for my book, Sky: This is My Time, This is my Fight, This is my Night? I’ll tell you where but the story will come in a short chapter later on in the book but it came from right Here because of the saying that I’ am starting to more and more make it our motto within our Squad. Only instead I change our to my. Oh yeah and our official motto and no one cannot steal this motto. This is between the real people of Longhorn Nation and our hoops squad but our motto for our squad is

 THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS IS OUR NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Get ready haters. Our time is coming. Be afraid, be very afraid because the eyes of Longhorn Nation are coming for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When the day comes that we finally win a national championship for hoops, well let’s just say that to all the hipsters, corporate scumbags and privies in Austin……...our party is going to be better than your lying lame ass fake parties. Longhorn Nation will show you how it’s done. I personally am going to get so fucked up because it is a big moment. If I were to somehow die afterwards, at least I knew that when I die after getting so fucked up in celebration, we are fucking Champions!!!!! I can also die a champion because if we were to win a natty, that would be a big revival for everything else I’ve been through. Not for all but for most. To anybody out there who is going through what I have been through or are going through, one piece of advice that I can give you is that if you have something in your life that gives you consistent peace and happiness like what I have with my guys then hold on to it. Whatever you do hold onto it. One more time,

 THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS WILL BE OUR NIGHT

Cause everyone else that is not a part of the Longhorn nation family, THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE COMING FOR YOU AND ARE UPON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Before I end this, I do have a message for all the other side of Longhorn Nation, aka the whiney little bitches of Longhorn Nation who are always doom and gloom every time we lose even when we are having an otherwise great season. Longhorn nation, all I have to say is chill out. Your constant bitching every time we lose and every single year expecting perfection and to win a national title every year it’s getting old and unreasonable. Yes, I know we have history as a winning program in both Hoops and Football. Yes, we have a lot of championships throughout Texas Athletics. I get that. However, the thing that pisses me off the most is your hypocrisy. Ya’ll wanted Mack Brown Gone despite the fact that he was winning 8-10 games and a bowl appearance every year still the last several years one minute and then when Charlie Strong struggles you all of a sudden say that you want Mack Brown back. Same thing with Rick Barnes and Shaka Smart, ya’ll were so mad at Rick Barnes and when we hired Shaka Smart, you were all singing his praises. When we lost the game against Northern Iowa in the first round of the 2016 tournament, all of a sudden you were saying oh Fire Shaka. Shaka can’t coach. We want Rick Barnes Back!! Same thing this year when you knew the odds were stacked against him. Yes, I was very critical because of the way one of our players was being treated but to call for his job after one season, come on now. I have my issues with Shaka and our current staff for Hoops but different issues. Otherwise I still believe in him and I’m not ready to call for his head and abandon shipNow while I love most of Longhorn nation, our fan base is screwed up So I ask, please just shut up. If we continue to have losing seasons after hiring a new coach, then ok call for his head I will join you but if you are going to be doom and gloom every single time then please go support another team and then when we do start winning again, don’t come back because it is annoying. Let me ask you what happens when Tom Herman Struggles this year because you know we probably will struggle a little bit. We could go 8-4 and make a bowl game but are you going to call for his head then? Another example, David Pierce our baseball coach. Led Texas back to the NCAA Baseball World Series tournament this year. Ya’ll are probably singing his praises right now even those most of the guys on the team are Augie Guridos guys. What happens when he starts to get his guys? You know there will be a transition period, right? Or will the whiney little bitches have their heads so far up their asses that they will continue to throw tantrums until they get what they want? All I’m going to say is stop being LITTLE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please go support other teams. Wake up. We have the best and the worst fan base in the country. We have the best because most are passionate, loud, and proud but the rest are just unreasonable whiney little bitches. You don’t have to lecture me on our history. I probably can only imagine some old Cowboy Texan who is a Longhorn fan since the start of time will see this come up to me and say that I don’t know anything about Texas Longhorn History. WRONG!!!!!!!! I know the history but I’m also not going to be unreasonable and throw a fucking tantrum. I look at the facts and if you want to leave and stop supporting Texas then please do us a favor. Just stop. Go support A&M, Oklahoma, Bama or whatever. Whiney Little Bitches, grow up. To the rest of the true members of Longhorn Nation, I love you guys and let’s keep helping our squads get to the light at the end of the tunnel so we can have something to celebrate once again.

THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS WILL BE OUR NIGHT

 Longhorn Nation, lets stand together. Haters of Longhorn Nation, the eyes of Texas are coming for you!!!

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

And it’s goodbye to A&M.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

And we’ll put over one more win.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

For its Texas that we love best.

Give em Hell, Give em Hell, GO HORNS

And it’s good-bye to all the rest! (YELL)

Yea Orange! Yea White!

Yea Longhorns! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Texas Fight! Texas Fight,

Yea Texas Fight!

Texas Fight! Texas Fight,

Yea Texas Fight!

 The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

All the livelong day.

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

You cannot get away.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

For its Texas that we love best.

Give Em Hell, Give Em Hell Go Horns go

And it good-bye to all the rest!

 Eyes of Texas: The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

All the livelong day.

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

You cannot get away.

Do not think you can escape them

At night or early in the morn --

The Eyes of Texas are upon you

Till Gabriel blows his horn.

 HOOK EM!!!!!!!

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                                       2015 Part 1 (Me vs Brittany)

                         Chapter Song: Norah Jones- Good Morning

This is the chapter I've been waiting for to be very honest. This one I hold very close and dear to my heart. This is the beginning of what has been prior to this year the hardest two years of my life. Before I begin I just want to make perfectly clear that this chapter right here is in no way blaming this person for everything that has happened. I did back then. I was lost and in rage. I didn't know what to do with myself. This was when I confronted her last year before 2016 happened. Now that my stepmom is no longer in the picture, and then some, a part of me wants to make this right the right way. Yes, I know what people are going to say. They are going to be like “Oh Sky it's been two years. Why haven't you still let this go?” Blah blah blah blah. You know what there's a difference between not letting it go and revisiting this. Anybody who wants to think that I'm not letting it go? Fine fuck you but go ahead because I don't care. I'm not going to involve anyone anymore. This is my fight and my fight alone. Before I begin, I'm here to tell you all right now that yes, I have been trying to get ahold of her here and there but it’s rarely and its only when chaos is happening in other areas of my life but I'm doing it to do the right thing and trust me I'm going to get into the entire story right here and right now. The truth is as well, I do sometimes wonder if it’s because of my actions during this whole dilemma is what caused the rest of the last two years of my life to be my worst hours yet. Not because of what she did. That doesn’t matter at this point but because of what I did. If anybody who has read this still doesn't get it and know that I'm not a bad guy and I'm not as bad as a lot of people think I’ am up to this point so far and going forward then again fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. One more time FUCK YOU!!!! All right, now that I've let that out. I'm going to get back to this chapter I don't know what's going to happen, we could become closer than ever before. We could somehow get together. We could just have more respect for one another. She could still hate me. I could still hate her. I just don’t know what’s going to happen. Crazier shit has happened What I know is that while I'm not going to apologize for what I felt, I ‘am here before you a humble man to say I've done some shitty things too during this whole Dilemma. When it first happened, I put the blame on her all of it. Even for my guys struggling two years ago. It was wrong and it crossed the line. It's something I have to live with the rest of my life. Shit I even feel like some of the shitty things I did was karma coming back Why? You are about to hear all of it and I mean all of it. Ladies and Gentlemen here we go.

 It all started 3 years ago. Close to the end of 2014. It started in October. Me and my friend Brittany who were very close at the time, we were on top of the world. We would talk a lot. We would go to one another for our issues. I'll get to that here shortly in case anyone is wondering. She was someone I cared about. Who is Brittany you asked? Brittany was someone who I met at one of my old hang out spots. She worked there. It was called Bikinis. It was a sports bar here in town. Yes, I know what people are going to say, you were hanging out at a tit bar or whatever? Yes, I was. So what? I'll admit some of them I became close with but Not because of the sex frustrations. Some others yes, I did because they were attractive. I'll admit that too. Brittany was in the other category where I didn't. Maybe I liked liked her a little bit. Maybe I didn't. What I do know is the care and love for her that I felt was legit. Unlike some other people that she told me about. Especially other guys who come in and they’re all like LOOK AT OUR MUSCULAR BODIES Blah blah blah. I legitimately gave a shit about her. It was 2014. We were talking a lot. I even remember where I learned my lesson of overdoing it about talking every day or texting or whatever. Due to events from back in the day. Right around my 21st birthday we started becoming closer and closer. I remember that afternoon. I spent the day downtown at Bikinis. Watching some World Cup and having some drinks. Of course, I just got done establishing Bikinis as one of my spots by then. Although I did admit that yes some of them from back in the day were fucking attractive, others I legitimately cared about as good friends and or family. I took care of my people like I always do. I went to get them drinks from Starbucks. I was always there to listen to their problems which was fine because I showed that I care. Especially because they've always let me hang out there. I even became tight with some of the managers. Mainly Jade and Rod. Although I don't talk to them much anymore. I will occasionally if they don't hate my guts. Jade is busy with mom duties with her beautiful twins Zach and Maddie who are now 1 and I believe 2 come August and then of course Wifey duties with her beloved Eric. Rod is now the general manager at Lalas bar here in town. Not downtown but it's actually north and I believe not too far from me if I'm not mistaken and of course he's being Rod. Todd was cool and funny as shit but I don't talk with him much anymore. Nothing happened. I just I don't talk with him much anymore. Dom, I will occasionally. Corey haven't seen him in a while. Mainly Jade and Rod. Same with Karen. Actually as of Right now, Karen and Acacia are the only ones I’ve been talking to and keeping in the most contact with the most. Any who, so my birthday we started talking a lot more me and Brittany. It was also the beginning of the sweet notes that Brittany wrote for me which I later set on fire which I will get to in a moment. Bear with me here. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Over the next couple of months, we would talk increasingly. She even was my biggest supporter come the time of fantasy football season. I even remember where the day of one of my drafts came, I made her some CDs because I remember her telling me she didn't have much in her car so I took the time to do something nice for her to tell her much love and much appreciation. I almost came close to having a draft party for the first season of my DFW Nation league which Jade and Rod were a part of. Rod left before year 3 but Jade was a part of it since the very beginning. I even got her and few others some drinks. Can't remember who else was there off the top of my head. I went to my Starbucks of course. I remember her favorite drink was some sort of bean frap. Shit if we were still talking, I could easily ask her but of course we are not. So, when I came in that Sunday, I gave it to her and she was just overjoyed. We gave each other a hug, and then of course we just went back to Good ol me and Brittany being funny and then some. Things were great. October came and that was a small beginning but it really didn't start till December. October is here and this was before I left for Missouri for a few days since I didn't go in September for Danny's wedding which I now feel like a Jackass for. I went to go see him and Sam and then of course the rest of my family. We were supposed to hang out one Tuesday night. Have some one on one time outside of work. Not a date. Least that's not I was wanting and I hope she didn't think it was or thinking that I was expecting that. So that Tuesday arrives. I had to do yard work. (Ugh Yard work I hate it so much.) I was quickly raking the leaves. I had my iPod on listening to Public Enemy. I was in a Public Enemy mood. So I was in the zone the entire afternoon trying to get the stupid leaves done. We were talking throughout the entire day. About the normal shit we would talk about and of course being funny like Michael Scott and Holly from the Office. Not that we were in a relationship like they were. Oh no no no no no. Hell no. Not that I don't think she's attractive. She's cute and she's beautiful. I'll admit that. I'm not afraid to admit that at all. Besides what do I have to lose. Now I don't have any sexual attractions towards her. I didn't then and I don't now. Anybody who does not believe me can yes go to hell. Cause like with everything else I don't care what people think. Any who while we are talking, we are of course trying to figure things out for that night. Not a big deal but if there's one thing I'm very serious about it’s about time. If people are honest with me then I will understand. So 4pm comes around, I'm done with raking the leaves. I take a shower because we had plans for 7pm. I get ready because we were going to have dinner at Bikinis because she was off. Had great food obviously. Why else would I hang there? I always got a buffalo chicken sandwich. I love anything Chicken. I'd prefer that over red meat. So I get ready. Of course I don't dress super fancy cause again it's not a date. Once I'm ready I charge my phone for a little while because my galaxy kind of started to become a piece of garbage. Once it's done charging, I gather myself. I make sure I look presentable because again even though it's not a date, I don't want to look like shit. So I leave. I got on my route. I put on my headphones because I don't like talking to people on the bus although I ended up talking to this really nice veteran. Just telling me about his story. Now as long as he's not crazy or anyone for that matter and clearly, he wasn't then I'm going to listen. So about 6:30 I get off near St David's Brackenridge because I got a text from Brittany saying that she got called in and she wanted to postpone because she didn't feel like going in which of course she lied to her superiors. Now on one hand while I was open to going somewhere else, I didn't want to pressure her. So I was like that's fine. We will just do something another time probably when I come back. So I end up going anyways. Just because I had a lot on my mind. I go because the Mavericks were playing that night. They were playing Philly if I'm not mistaken. Jade was managing that night plus my former homegirl Tamra was bartending. I went and it was a great night which is what I needed especially because I did something shitty which I will get into later on in regard to why I'm going then. So after I get back from my four days, I was invited to a goodbye party for someone else who used to work there. It was not Brittany but bear with me here. It was another one who used to work there. Her name was Jaime. Good ol J-Spinn invited me. I always got along with her. However, I shouldn't have gone but I did just to be supportive. She invited me. A lot of her friends there I did not know. Vince Young was actually there. He knew her. Which was surprising but unfortunately, he was kind of a douche. Colt McCoy would've been better. Him or Justin Tucker. So it was around 2pm when it started me. The only 4 I knew were Jaimie, Amanda, Leslie, and Tamra but even then, otherwise once again I was just the odd man out. It wasn't my cup of tea. Besides I have nothing interesting. Due to my history of either I drive people away or people just plain and simple don't like me. It was after I ended up being the 4 that I knew photographer for a few pictures but again back then I was stupid unlike now. So as soon as I took the pictures, then realized that ah fuck this this is not my cup of tea. I went up told Jaimie good luck in Nashville. Gave her a hug and then I took off. I went back to Bikinis but instead I had another hangout spot which was none other than the Parish. My homegirl at least I still in a way hope so, Karen was the lead there. She was Bartending there that day and Rod was managing. I went there to hang and have a drink. Not sure if I had lunch that day but I did go before I took off to my house. When I went, I was Wondering if Brittany was working that day. When Rod came down I asked him.

“Yo Bro, Is Britt working today?” He then said, “Nah Man, she moved!!!” I was surprised and I was like “Really?” He confirmed it. Happened while I was gone. Of course, I wasn't mad…. yet. It's coming but not yet. So, a few hours later, I messaged her. Saying “Hey is it true you moved?” She messaged me back a yes with a sad face response. Again of course I wasn't mad because it's out of my control. She even apologized which was unnecessary. As November went on, she was having a hard time with the move and guess who she came too every damn day? Me. We talked almost if not every day. She messaged me because again I was the one who was there to answer the call when she needed someone to talk to. I don't care what anybody says, it's a goddamn fact. I wouldn't be saying that and then some if it wasn't true. So yeah, I enjoyed it. We facetimed each other a few times and it was nice. She even had a few times because of our common love of Starbucks where she would send me pics of her drinks or Her and her beautiful Dog Kenya taking Starbucks Runs. It was beautiful. Her dog Kenya was a beautiful pup. Of course, she wasn't a baby but the love that Brittany had for Kenya, it was Admirable. It was adorable. One day I was at the bar having lunch and a drink after work. My somewhat still occasional homegirl Alexis who was also close with Brittany was Bartending that day. While Alexis and I were talking, I get a phone call from Britt. Of course, again, I was happy happy happy. All was well. It's getting close to when it all changed. But any who, I answered. Britt and I were talking for a few minutes. Alexis then was telling me to tell her hi and of Course Alexis wanted to chat with her for a minute. I handed her over my phone. They talked for a minute which of course Alexis had to get off before I want to say Todd was lead that day. Last thing we needed was for Alexis to get in trouble. Before, it was discovered and I was the first to know and again this is a fact but I was the first to know That Brittany was going to be up in December for a few days. Unless there is something I don't know or people are fucking with me, it is a fact that Brittany told me 1st out of our old group that she was coming. I told others Alexis including if I'm not mistaken, she was surprised. Then of course she was excited too. So yeah there's that. I mean why else would I be the first out of our old group? I don't know what goes on behind the scenes unless I'm included or if I decided to involve myself because some shit is going on, I don't know. What I do know is that she wouldn't have told me first if she didn't come to me almost every day while she was having a hard time with the move. Now on to when it all began. December came around. I believe it was a week or two before Christmas. The time that she was supposed to come rolls around. Once she gets here, I don't hear from her for days. Which is alright. I don't really care. Last thing I want to do is pressure people. As a matter of fact, when I heard from her it was the night of a Christmas party that we were both invited too by Todd. She went. I however did not. Why? Because again I'm not a big group person. Everyone was going to be drinking. Again, I don't have a problem with that. I have more of a problem of being the odd man out sometimes because of me but others because I just don't have anything in common with people also because I have a history of driving people away apparently and I don't care what anybody says. History has a factor to do with it. History will always have a factor to do with anything. So before she went out and besides I was having a bad night with my old man and my stepmom, we made arrangements for a quick lunch the next day. To have a couple of hours together before she took off for Houston. I wake up the next day, I get ready…. again. Although I'm not doing anything fancy. I head downtown. I take a quick walk around the capitol and I'm on the phone with my sister. It was a normal conversation. All was good. Here is where it began. Throughout the morning, I was trying to get ahold of her. I gave the space so I'm not doing it every five minutes. I was trying to get ahold of her for the time. I don't want to be late or nothing. Just like my father always does. Of course, I didn't hear from her at all that morning. I head to Bikinis (at the time I called it BKs because I didn't want to sound like a pervert. I don't know why. It's just me. It's an anxiety problem. Besides I wasn't like other scumbags who went in and treated them like sex objects. I was weird in a different way, but I wasn't a scumbag. Shit why would they even tell me things that they would have to put a smile on otherwise. Because that's who I ‘am. Loving good ol everybody's best friend Sky. Looking back now there were some, not all but some who I thought were fucking gorgeous and sexy. Those are the ones who I didn't talk to a lot or haven't kept in touch with in years. That's fine. Those however who I became close and tight with like My Homegirl Acacia and Karen who as of right now are the only two I keep in touch with the most out of anybody they were beautiful especially personality wise.) I went to have a drink. It was dead that day. It was just My Homegirl at the time Tina and Elissa working. Todd was managing. I went to hang out with Tina for a little while. Tina was the first person I befriended back in the day. Yes, she was gorgeous and attractive. I'll admit that. However, because I was trying so desperately hard to make friends and not lose them especially in a city that I was still trying to get used too even though it's been 3 years since I moved there at the time. Here is where it all began. I was talking with Tina. It was about 2:30pm. I went to the bathroom to take a leak. Of course, thank god, I can leave my stuff behind the bar. It’s what happens when I take care of my people. I get special privileges that no one else gets. I'm in the bathroom for about a minute and then I come out. My phone Buzzes. I get it out and I check it. It was a message. Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Last chance? Ok here it is. It was Brittany. I check the message and here's what it said. The message was:

“Hey Bubs, I just woke up. I’m going to have to postpone again. My grandma is in the hospital and I need to head back. I'm so sorry. I promise you we will have a rain check.”

 I'm not sure and I don't remember the exact message. If I did I would Reedit it. So, I apologize if well yes….no shots at anybody. It was close but I know for a fact that I don't remember the exact words. However, I then thought to myself well wait a minute. Something isn't right. There were some red flags. Number 1, I saw that she was up all morning. I don't even have to look on IM on purpose to see that she was on too. Second, I have sources who confirmed with me that she was at Target. Third if I remember correctly there was even a pic of her at Target. Don't hold me to that. It's not for certain. But the point is, I caught her in a lie. A couple lately plus when it happens more than once, something is not right. So yes, I got pissed. I told her how I felt. I was mad for a little while. Oh, if you think that's the moment where I got even worse, I haven't even gotten started yet. So, a month later comes, I meet with Alexis for lunch one day. To talk about it. I don't necessarily remember why. Looking back at it now, I didn’t necessarily remember why I needed too but unlike back then, now I'm not stupid. Now I'm a lot smarter than what a lot of people think I' am. However, it happened. So, what happened was at the time before Alexis and I had it out for one another, we were tight. Believe you and me, we went at it. A lot. I wasn't always right but I damn sure wasn't always wrong. She wasn't always wrong but she damn sure wasn't always right. That's not what this chapter is about. See part 2. Now back to the current time, Alexis was right about somethings. Now unless she was covering Brittany’s Ass which honestly, I would not be surprised, she did clarify the grandmother side. At the time before Alexis and I had our little situation, she was somebody who I always listened too. Alexis also told me about this little Movie/Documentary called The Secret. It was about how if you put your mind to it and fight the dark and think positive, then good things will happen. Now by no means am I saying she's wrong. It was a great movie. However, I tried it (multiple times and it didn't work). There's a lot of things that people don't understand. Like I said earlier, when more tough times than pleasant have happened…...consistently, then after a while as you get older, it gets harder to trust everything and everyone. It's not impossible to get that under control but it will not get easier. Also, growing up whenever you suffer a lot. Your home life is fucked up, people are treating you different in school, etc. all while going through said fucked up home life where your mom was unstable a lot, mentally abuses you, and forces you to be positive to shut you up or otherwise I would be in trouble. Really? Like you think that's going to help? When I'm suffering, you get frustrated because you don't know what to do…. well to anybody going forward who says that to me or anybody, here's my advice……..

1. When we say we just need you to shut the fuck up and listen for once and let us have our moments, then shut the fuck up…... let us talk. Let us vent and let us have our moments. Don't force anything down our throats. We will get over it. When you come to us, we don't judge. We let you have your moments of just letting it out. Let us have ours. When we need help, we will come to you. The biggest thing is when we are backed into a corner, the biggest help is you shutting the fuck up and give us a safe place to let it out for once.

2. When you say it's frustrating that you don't know what to do, that's not helping. It's an excuse and a way to shut us up. You think that's going to help? No that's worse. Unconditional love and support.

3. Take some goddamn accountability for once. Don't put it on us all the time. I cannot stress that enough. When we're the ones who always admit when we are wrong even if we are not at fault, look yourselves in the mirror as well. We can't control you. We can however damn sure call you out. And if we see the evidence, and it's right there in front of our eyes, take responsibility. Don't hide. It's called being a coward.

4. Again, unconditional love, support, and respect. Not everybody to me at least applies to this but a lot do. When we constantly do the best we can to be there for others, help them, talk to them, let them have their voices, etc. We don't ask for much but the same thing in return. When others need something and we are always there or try to be, all we ask is the same. Is that wrong? I don't think it's wrong at all. But that's just me. I'm not the millions and millions of people here on this planet. I'm not god. I'm not the leader. Trust me if I was this world would be a better place.

That's that. So, any who, I watched it from start to finish. It was good. So afterwards and this is where it really starts. I got me a juice from the store. I came home. Sat at my desk. Turned on AC/DC. Rocked out. I got on my laptop and I went on to order some flowers to surprise her at her new job. To say hey no hard feelings. I paid good no I mean damn good money to have them sent to her. I even specifically told the flower guy to follow the instructions. Do not fucking reveal my identity and yet the motherfucker did. Either that or she went ahead and read it anyway. This is where it started. I'm at work the day it happened. I get a message. It's from her. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I expected. It was the opposite of what I was expecting and yes hoping for. Again, because unless Alexis was covering for her ass which at this point I wouldn't be surprised about and yes wouldn't even be mad about, I wanted to say hey I'm sorry for being a prick. This however is where it got worse. So instead of just a thank you and hey business as usual, I kind of get bitched at. I get that ok maybe it wasn't the best idea now but back then I didn't know any better. I said I did know better but I didn't. My intentions were to do something nice to say hey I'm sorry for being a prick. My intentions were in no way, shape, or form to say hey I want to fuck you. I get where maybe yes now it kind of gave that vibe. Back then I didn’t know any better. So yes, I lost it. It gets worse in 2016 but again this wasn't the only situation I dealt with and I will continue to speak that until people do get it. Anybody who thinks that this was the only situation I dealt with, then yes, I'm going to say it that you are a moron. Also, I don't care what you think. The difference is, lately I'm now starting to realize that I wasn't completely innocent in this situation either but I’ll get to that here in a minute. I got angry because of two reasons. 1. I don't like it when people are not honest with me and not straight with me. I'm not perfect but if people are straight and honest with me. Yes, I might get anxious. Yes, I might get mad but you know what it's more at myself. Because yes, I know better for the most part. Somethings I just plain and simple don't know shit. However, I'm always willing to learn. Also, if anybody knew what I grew up with then you would know too. 2. All I wanted was a simple conversation. Yes, looking back at it yes, I was overwhelming. Overwhelming with the way I acted. The truth is I wasn’t able to learn easily the right way how to deal with situations growing up. I did learn but I had to learn the hard way. As I’ve grown over time, all I ask for is honesty. I’m a big boy. I’ll get over it. About a couple of nights later, I went to Frank Erwin Center (our home arena for basketball). Other little-known fact, she started temporarily started supporting my guys. I never even asked. She did and it was great because the beginning of that season, we were doing well. Very very well. Well after the situation started and once we started struggling, I set her notes on fire. Posted a video of it (Took it down shortly after). All because I started to blame her for every time we lost the rest of that season. I mean it’s crazy but it’s true. Cause it did feel like our season that year went downhill ever since that situation started. Was it wrong? Yes, it was wrong for me to do that and blame her. The feelings were valid because my feelings were hurt. Even after she fucked up first, I also screwed up. I mean ill address this again here in a little while. The feelings were valid and are still valid on both sides. Yes, I was overwhelming back then but because I had a lot to learn and I didn’t know as much during that time that I know now. Also, a lot of things that people still don’t get. I still have a lot to learn today. We all do but I have gotten better and I felt like I’ve grown as a person. That doesn’t make me a bad person though. My feelings were valid because again look at the beginning. The flowers as well even though again I understand that maybe to her new coworkers that it gave off the impression that I wanted to sleep with her (which obviously I didn’t), I did it because I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. At least I didn’t buy her jewelry, chocolates, or a fucking stuffed bear. I could have but I didn’t because I’m a lot smarter that people think I’ am. The fact that if everything else I’ve done for her wasn’t a problem, why were the flowers? It makes sense now kind of. So yes, I blamed her, I called her a curse, I blamed her and that situation for being the cause of everything else that has happened over the past 2 and a half years of my life. Setting her notes on fire in front of Frank Erwin and posting a video bout it to send a message which I took down shortly after was clearly not the answer and to some it made me look insane. But before I get to that and by the way, few weeks ago after an unexpecting betrayal by two of my former best friends, I tried it again. I’m going to put the message that I made for her on here but before I do that, again number 1 this wasn’t the only one. Do I regret being a shittalker and opening my mouth in front of everybody that we both know? Absolutely. 100 percent. It should’ve been between just us. However again there is still a lot about me and my life and situation that not a lot of people know about including her. Even though my feelings are and were 100 percent valid and not a damn thing is going to make me think otherwise, it’s not an excuse for some of the shit I did. Yes, I have a confession, there have been times here and there really since November of last year when I did try to make peace because at the end of the day I don’t want problems with anybody. However, as I start to realize more and more, I do have a lot of regret. Sometimes my conscious haunted me in my sleep. Sometimes even when I’m busy like with a lot of things, I have flashbacks about it and some of our greatest memories. Have you all seen shows on tv that sometimes there will be scenes where you are somewhere and a flashback of anything from that place or who you are with happens then it takes you back to the current time? Yes, that’s me right there. Happens to me. I have felt a lot of times that the last two years, the hell that came along with it were because of my actions in this dilemma. Now everything else that happened in other areas, I stand by it but this situation some of the things I did.... I was wrong. If there is one thing that people should know, when I’ am wrong I will admit it and I know when I’m wrong. In this situation, we both fucked up. She has nothing to apologize for. She did last year when I was at my worse due to the situations with my family and everywhere else. Speaking of that, last year because of my situation with my home life all that will be discussed about here shortly in the next two chapters, when the beginning of my family dilemmas first started.... I started losing it on the inside and I confronted her for the first time since March of 2015. Of course, she apologized but before she revealed that I need to live a Brittany free life, she said she doesn’t keep in touch with a lot of people from Austin which obviously that was a lie at least from what I noticed etc. Everything else she was right on the money. It was wrong of me for some of the things I’ve done. At the end of the day, I want her to be happy and I wish her nothing but the best. Also, if it absolutely matters most, if she ever needed my help in a dire situation, I hope she knows that I will be there unconditionally. Before I end this chapter with the message of my final attempt to make things right but the right way, to anybody I may have annoyed with it etc., sincerely from the bottom of my heart I do apologize. Now without a doubt to put a close on this. Here is the final attempt message I wrote for her just a few weeks ago and then I recorded it just for her, but privately:

    Hey Britt

        Ha-ha how are you doing?

     Yes, I know it’s a surprise me doing this

        Especially because the last conversation we had necessarily didn’t go well

        I know what you are going to say about the I need to Live a Brittany free life.

        You are still right

     However, I’m here tonight because I’m done messaging but I’m also done running.

    It’s time I own up to my mistakes. It’s why I feel like I have some unfinished business only this time i do it the right way and I don’t run and be afraid. Because lately my conscious has been haunting me because of a lot of things that people still don’t understand and don’t know about

  Yes, you are also right. You have your life. I also have mine.

 That’s fine

That’s never been the issue

The matter of keeping in touch was never an issue and if it was or if I made it feel that way, I apologize sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

At this point I don’t have any with you at all.

I forgive you. I forgave you awhile back after what has been a second consecutive year of hell. A summer of hell where my family fell apart

At this point you have nothing to apologize for

Now it’s my turn

Before I do that

I want you to know

I’m not doing this for any other reason but to make some of my wrongs right. I’m doing this to clear my head, my conscious and my heart.

Whatever happens happens

Whether you believe me or not.

That’s fine

I’m not asking for your forgiveness.

I’m not asking for you to feel sorry for me

I’m not asking for anybody to do that at this point cause honestly that’s not an issue

There’s more to my story that I’m learning more and more of.

No matter what I’m still going to be me

However, the only thing I’m asking is if you please find it in your heart to understand and believe me when i say that this has not been on my mind a lot since summer in 2015 and then since we last talked spring of last year.

There is a lot that happened in other areas that you do not know about.

Which is why I kind of lost myself. Which is why I was not in a good place mentally and I was hurting in my heart.

It’s also why I’ve done shit I’m not proud of including during our little situation. Which I will get to here in a minute.

As time went on and more happened, I began to lose myself more. However, I’ve also learned more about myself and became more confident to be proud of myself and to accept myself especially recently after the betrayal of two of my former best friends.

Hence the last two years and then some throughout my entire life are why i have decided to write a book on my life up to this point. Because again there are a lot of things people including you do not understand about people like me and again then some

I wanted to wait until the book to give a more grown up apology but I’m done waiting. So here it is

 Brittany,

    I’m here to tonight whether you still hate my guts or not to finally admit my wrongs. I’m not asking for us to be friends again. I’m not perfect but I did the best I could. I’m not a bad person but I know I’m in no means a golden boy Angel. I’ve done a lot of shitty things. I’ve also done a lot of good. I don’t think what others including you think. I don’t see what they see. I don’t witness what they witness. I don’t hear what they hear. Likewise, on the other end with me. I know I said a lot of shitty things. I blamed you for my guys struggles two years ago after you temporarily supported them before our situation. I called you a curse. I know there is a possibility that people may have talked. If they did well then, they were right. It’s why I’ am here tonight to tell you that despite some of my feelings that I felt from my point, how I did it was no excuse. It’s not who I’ am. I was raised better than that and looking back at it now I did know better. You are not a bad person. You are not a shitty person. I know that I was overwhelming with my whole family instantly crap when we first met. I know I was overwhelming with a lot of things. For that I’ am sorry. I’ am sorry for all the pain, stress or just anything in general that I have caused you during this situation. If there’s one thing I can thank you for, it is the beginning of a journey to make me even more stronger and better. By no means are you at fault for anything. Not for my guys struggling. Not for the last two years. None of it. I said all of that after the flower incident because I didn’t know better. I was just trying to do something nice after the first time. Back after the end of 2014. I still had a lot of anger in my heart and a battle within myself that I’ am still fighting every day, I’m not going to get into it right now. See my book when it is done. I still got a long way to go but as far as this chapter of my life goes, I’ am a man of my word when I say I have nothing bad to say about you. Not now, not ever, not in the book. I know I did during our situation. No matter what I felt during our situation, it is absolutely no excuse for some of things I’ve done and some of the things I have said. No one is perfect. I damn sure am not. You are a wonderful human being Brittany, you are full of light and gold. I’ve enjoyed some of the good moments we’ve had. You are a good person. I regret everyday some of the things I’ve done in so many areas including this one. I think you are a beautiful soul. I know I was overwhelming with my too attachment problem and my negativity. The attachment thing comes from while I was growing up with my conditions etc., Mental, and psychical, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I was at the bottom of the totem pole, bullied, etc. Taken advantage of because of my situation. Never good in groups, hence its why I didn’t show up to the Christmas party.   Growing up my home life back in Missouri was absolutely no help at all either. That’s all I’m going to get into regarding that for now. It will all be in the book in due time. That being said, no matter what has happened or what is about to happen, I accept it. I have for a while. Like I said I’m done hiding and I ‘am done running from who I ‘am. If fate one day has a plan for us to be friends again or acquaintances, then two things. One I hope I can have the opportunity to show you the real me. Cause one thing I will say is this negative side of me, I don’t like it. People say I love it but I don’t but again I hate it more than anything. However, one more time more will be in my book when it is done. But when more tough times than pleasant have happened, you start to lose trust in a lot of things. Everything and everyone. It’s not impossible to make it a little better and get it under control but it doesn’t get easier. Hence its why I used to be always eager for the perfect moment. All I wanted from the very beginning was just a fair chance to talk. I know I was overwhelming and you had every right to run. As time passed on, its why here we are here tonight. I ‘am here. A humble 23-year-old about to be 24 come July. With Asperger’s and a little bit of autism, both very high functioning by the way. That doesn’t mean I ‘am capable of doing something like this cause trust me if I wasn’t capable, I wouldn’t be here tonight doing this but here I ‘am. Right now, I have been trying to right all my wrongs because it just feels like I can never do anything right. I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. Right now, yes I ‘am more scared than ever. I’m even scared right now doing this. But I ‘am doing it to show that I still have balls and courage to stand up. Stand up for me but also own up to my mistakes. Right now, this isn’t easy. Right now, because of yet another situation. I ‘am scared and yes I do feel alone. But I’m done running. Then two, it would be an honor if when my book is done, that you would read it. I’ am doing it to take a stand for people like myself and just anybody who in general is struggling. Shit if you are struggling, then it would be perfect for you as well I’ am sorry from the bottom of my heart for some of the things I have said. Some of the things you have heard. Some of the things you may have seen. The stress I have caused you. The amount of times I may have overwhelmed you. I’m just from the bottom of my heart as a very humble man here tonight one year later after not being in a very good place in my head and my heart, very very sorry. Despite what I felt, despite the battles that I’ am still battling everyday etc., it is no excuse for some of my wrongs. That’s why I mean what I say. I know that I’ve messaged you here and there trying to apologize but hearing it from my voice is different than reading something. Last but not least and this is something I’ve told anybody in general, should the universe plan for us to be friends again and to heal the wounds, if there is an issue that you have with me, please don’t be afraid to confront me. There are a lot of things that while I’m not willing to change such as being afraid to have my voice and then some, I never want to be intimidating towards anybody who has a problem with me. I’m here to listen and while I’m not perfect, I will do my very best to work on it and to continue to be the best version of myself I can be. If I do get mad, its mad at myself. Because i do know better but also because I’m trying to beat the constant thought that I’ve had through my entire life of I’m not good enough and I can never do anything right. That is why I’ am having the courage and the confidence to do this here tonight (list current time) May 5th, 2017 for you to hear it from me. From my voice. No matter what happens next, I’m still going to live my life. I’m still going to be ok. I’m still going to be me. Why? I’ve been through worse and I’m still standing. Before I move on with the next phase of my life after what was recently due to another setback that involved my former best friends that cost me my job and that temporarily put me back in that not so good place, I had some unfinished business but this time now that time has passed. For me to do it right. Brittany, no matter what happens and no matter what has happened, I still think you are a wonderful human being with a heart of gold. Even though you may hate me, I still love ya. I have nothing but love and respect for you. I think about ya once in a while. I hope you are doing wonderful. You deserve nothing but the best. I forgive you. I forgave you after I started phase 1 of starting over which I will get into should we have a catch-up heart to heart. Key word should we. No pressure whatsoever. Shit I’m not even asking for a response. All I ask is that you hear me out. Despite everything, it is no excuse for me acting like giant asshole. And I have to live with that and a lot of others for the rest of my life. Don’t ever change. Be yourself. I hope you are doing wonderful. One more time I ‘am very sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could say more. But this is the best I can do yes even though I’ve tried to message you a few times here and there. But I didn’t do it the right way. This time I ‘am. Thank you for taking the time here tonight to listen to this and hear me out. I hope this shows you how serious and how much I mean everything I said. I do not expect you to trust me. No matter what, again I ‘am not asking for us to just be besties again. I know better now. No matter what happens again, I’m going to be ok. I have my life. You have yours. I still have a long way to go to getting better but I feel like I’m getting better. One more time before I figure out the next phase, I ‘am doing this for no other reason than to right some of my wrongs because I do still feel like I’ am a curse to myself and people around me. Thank you again. God bless you. Give Kenya my love for me. And I hope you are doing wonderful. Take care of yourself old friend

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                            - The World Today-

                                                Chapter Song: ACDC- TNT

      Key Word: Liberative (Word I created and which I ‘am considering myself by the way)- Someone who has a mix of both Liberal and Conservative views.

   As I have said earlier, and I’m going to say it one final time. Not all are bad. Not all cops are bad. Not all homeless people are bad. Not all people are bad. Not all Hipsters are bad. Not all Politicians are bad. Not all athletes are bad. Not all rich people are bad. Not all businessmen are bad. Etc. Why do I say it? Because I want to clarify that despite my distrust for a good majority for today’s society, I’ am trying to not be the Grumpy old at a young age bastard. Even though most of my feelings are valid. I feel that way. That is what this chapter is about. Before I begin, let me say one more thing as well. No one should ever be judged by their race, sexuality (in the right way), sexual preference, gender, disabilities, religion. It’s all about the personality and the shit you do. Let me make an example, I don’t care if you are black, Latino, Muslim, etc. If you go out and do stupid shit or evil acts like raping women, terrorist attacks, killing and murdering innocent people, etc. Then I have a problem. I’ am 100 percent straight, but I don’t care if somebody is gay or a lesbian. As long as you aren’t evil and a bad person with a bad head on your shoulders then you are good in my book and should be good in this book of our society. I’ll be straight, this whole world is fucked up. Here is another fact, it shouldn’t be just one group of people’s lives matter. It shouldn’t be just black. Shouldn’t be just white. Shouldn’t be just Latino. Not just gay lives. Not just Asian. Not just Muslim. Not just Buddhist or anything else. All LIVES MATTER!!!! This whole a certain group of people’s lives matter thing is just really fucking stupid. We all deserve a chance to live a good life. A happy life. A safe life. If you are a good person who doesn’t go out and do stupid shit to get in trouble with the law or evil acts of terror to hurt people or fuck over other people etc. then 100 percent you deserve nothing but the best and the best life possible for you and your loved ones. That is just 100 percent fact. Nothing will change my mind. The biggest problem that is facing our society today especially in our country is classism. I listed earlier that most of what I see today most people are in their own class. If you aren’t rich, you are nothing. If you don’t fucking party hardcore almost every night and go out every night, you are nothing. If you are not a hipster, you are nothing. If you are not a politician or a corporate scumbag, you are nothing. If you are not a douchebag or scumbag in general, you are nothing. If you are not a gangster, you are nothing. Not all is true but a good chunk of it is. I’ll give you two examples of probably many that I don’t remember of how much I mean what I say that not all are bad. Number 1, Glenn and Michelle who are two very close friends of me and my fathers, they make really DAMN GOOD MONEY!!!!!! Guess what because I know them and I have gotten to know them, they are good people. They are examples of the rare few people that are not like your average everyday rich upper class privileged people and corporate scumbags. They may make great money better than what me and my father may both make, but they are amazing people. They don’t go out and brag about oh they are super fucking rich and that because they are rich, the world revolves around them. Oh no no no no no. They are the opposite. They’ve always had a good head on their shoulders and plus they are more old souls. They started from the bottom to get to where they are. They didn’t inherit money from mommy and daddy. They didn’t fuck anybody over to get to where they are. They graduated from UT. Most of today’s society of rich people or people who make damn great money, they either fuck people over. Take advantage of the weak system. They inherit money and basically have everything handed to them. Never had to live in reality a day of their life. Well not Glenn and Michelle. Shout out to them. Much love to them. Example 1 of not all people are bad. Example two, my homegirl Caitlin who I met right after I got back from my 6 weeks away last summer. Now I don’t want to put non-facts in but Caitlin from what I see (Shout out to Caitlin by the way) kind of lives the hippie/hipster life style. Kind of. Don’t hold me to that. Again, I don’t know the full story. Even though I’ve known her for about 9 months almost a year come August, I don’t want to put non-facts and then it causes a problem. I really don’t need any more issues at least for a while. I base everything and all my views from what I see or what I hear. However, my point being is Caitlin is a sweetheart. As I’ve gotten to know her over the last several months, we’ve become closer and tighter as friends. We obviously don’t talk every day and we don’t hang out a lot but that’s ok. The important thing is that she is a sweetheart.  Also, as I have said as well, if you are also somebody who knows my people and in the same group etc. you are cool in my book. Those are two of many examples of when I mean that I have come a long way from I despise everybody to not all are bad. I still don’t trust a lot of today’s society and I may never will. I don’t despise everybody as well. There are 10 percent that I don’t despise. It’s why I base it on personality and what you do. I don’t care if you are black, white, gay, Latino, Straight, Asian, etc. If you are a good person and have a good head on your shoulders, you are alright. That being said, now here is my take on each of what is wrong with today’s society. Let me put it to you this way, if you hated high school, it almost kind of feels like a continuation of high school. Only in the real world.

 Cops: Ice Cube said it best, not all are bad. There are a few though who are living back in the racist days who need to go. That I agree with. There are others who don’t live by the protect and serve. They do but their motto is more of protect and serve the upper class. Where everyone else they’ll be like ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ and then for the upper class, I guarantee you that this is them every time and I quote ‘’You just hang tight and we will do whatever it takes. I promise.’’ End Quote. I say that in response to an incident that happened a few weeks ago. A Few weeks ago, Camille had her house broken into while she wasn’t home. Had a lot of her things stolen. Of course while the cops were right that she does need the serial numbers to help them, they did lay the whole ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ Now I’m just going to say it right now, the cops are lucky she didn’t get hurt because if she did and they did the ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ excuse, I would lose my shit. I don’t care if I’m rich or not. If that happens to anybody I care about, I will have their jobs and while I may not have the money to buy the chief off to get them fired, I will do whatever it takes. Honestly, I need to rant about the everyone else vs rich people part when it comes to cops now, I think it’s stupid that they’ll do whatever it takes for the upper class and for the rest, they’ll do what they can. Camille is a hard-working citizen in this country, and I just think it’s really disgraceful that most cops are either racist or will do the most work for those who have money. Greedy motherfucking cockmonkeys. I’m serious, I don’t care, if anybody I cared about ever got hurt and they called the cops then the cops did the whole ‘’not a lot we can do, we’ll do what we can’’ excuse…here is what is going to happen. I can either have their jobs taken away, they can do something and stop being lazy fucks, or if they decide to not do anything about it or half-ass it, I’ll do something about it instead. I don’t care if it’s the last thing I do. I’m not afraid to sacrifice myself if it means I’m going out fighting for the right thing or my people who have stood by myside, I’ll do it. To the racist ones, I also mean that those who shoot unarmed black people, those are the ones who need to go. Yes, the ones as well who only protect and serve the ones with money, also NEED TO GO!!!! However, there are a rare few who are still good-hearted people who are just trying to do their jobs and who actually still have a soul. My cousin Danny who is a cop in Springfield, Missouri is one of the good ones and he has a soul. Otherwise I personally think that most cops these days are a disgrace to the force. Because of the fact, they are lazy and dicks to everyone else and oh so kind to the upper class. Which Is why unless you are an athlete, musician, or a celebrity or just anyone who actually worked hard and did not have anything handed to you by mommy and daddy, I fucking cannot stand the average rich folk.

 Rich People/Corporate Scumbags: First of all, it really is because of what is going on in Washington. They basically own the country now even before Trump came in. They don’t care who they have to hurt and what they have to destroy to get money in their pockets. Money. Power. Pussy is what runs this world and shows your worth in this society. There’s good and bad to it. Most rich people especially corporate scumbags take advantage of it. All because of Citizens united. Citizens united, hah yeah right. More like billionaires United. Buying elections to their favorite politicians in exchange for favors to put more money in their pockets. I will be honest, because of what I have been through thus far, if I became rich would I enjoy it? Yes. The only difference is, because of the shit I’ve endured so far, I would enjoy it but becoming rich would be a reward for all the hell I endured over the years. When it comes to Politics, if a billionaire tried to buy a politician to let’s say shut down all of the observatories and science labs to prevent research on potential ways to save our planet from galactic threats or to prevent climate change, if he offered 1.5 million to make it happen, I will counter with 2.5 million to not go through with that and I will throw in a 250k bonus to do something to do something to benefit the planet or country. To tell the evil billionaire to take a fucking hike. Yes, I would buy politics myself but the complete opposite of what your average everyday corporate scumbag would buy politics for. Now the only corporate groups/billionaires I don’t have a problem are those who own sports teams for example like Mark Cuban. Also, those like Howard Schultz and CEOs who own major establishments like Starbucks, or Whataburger etc. Honestly again even though I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, I base it on what I see. Now as for your everyday rich person who lives out in a rich neighborhood, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I would try to just be friendly and say hi to somebody like that, and they would just look at you like wow did this non-rich guy say hi to us. Then they give you dirty looks. I mean come on, just because your rich don’t mean you have to be a fucking asshole or bitch to everybody who is lower and doesn’t have all the money than you. I mean really, grow the fuck up. You are not in high school anymore. You are grown adults. There are also sometimes events where you can’t get into unless you have Money or part of the upper class. See the Austin Texas Chapter for a prime example. Last but not least, again back to the relationship part and this is either men or women. If you can’t notice that your relationship is based on a lie and not on true love. Also, that you are only with someone just because of the money he or she makes then you really are fucked up. Maybe and yes I’ am taking into consideration that maybe sometimes it is what they want and they are ok with that. Being married, or in a committed relationship because of their money. It is just fucked up. That is just me though.

 Homeless People: Alright, this one is where I’m on both sides. There is one side where they are legitimately on hard times and that they are trying to their situation. Others, where they just stopped caring. They got addicted to drugs or drinking. Panhandling money just to get more drugs or alcohol. Every city has to get some of the blame. Not all but some. Austin Texas Chapter for more. There is this guy who is homeless that me and my Homeboy Chris know. His name is Robert. He is definitely not like your average everyday crazy. Who goes around and panhandles especially aggressively. No that is not him at all. He has a very small job he does every week and he’s trying really hard to get out of his situation. He’s a chatter box hahaha but I’d rather have a chatter box yet a good person than a crazy person who follows you and harasses you. I’ve had some bad experiences. One where I almost beat the fuck out of one of them. To those who are trying on their own like Robert to get their situation turned around, my heart and prayers are with you. If I ever at that moment can do anything to help, I will do the best I can. To those who truly don’t care, I hope you get the help you are looking for. To every city out there who has a major problem, like what Austin does, GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASS AND FIX IT!!!!!!! To start the Austin Texas chapter, I’ll give you one major example. Does anybody Remember the Haruka Weiser killing on our campus? It was a homeless guy who had a mental problem. Not enough facilities to get these people help to make sure nothing like the murder of Haruka Weiser happens again. They say oh everything is good. NO, IT’S NOT but I will wait until the Austin Texas and attention to all cities all across the world chapter. I’m glad they caught the guy who killed Haruka Weiser but there needs to be more done. I don’t care what anybody says, it is the fucking truth.

 Hipsters and Party People (Almost in a way some of this not all but some also goes with the rich people part): Hipsters just annoy me really. There are some who are in the upper class. That is also what annoys me and also. I compare Hipsters to Jive People of the 50’s. Tacky Clothing. Weird Music. Really as well though, most of them are douchebags and bitches. Now the number 1 thing is when as soon as something new comes out here is what happens. Hipsters be like ‘’OH MY GODDDDD THAT IS SO HIP!!! LIKE WE HAVE TO JUMP ON BOARD THE NEWEST AND COOLEST HIP THING!!!!!!! HIP HIP HIP!!!!!!!! They always get the first crack at the newest sensation. I’m sorry to anybody I may offend next but I live in a hipster majority city. Not all and again you know what I’ am going to say about anybody I know. That is different and it is because I like you as a person and you are not a normal average everyday hipster. As I was saying, I live in a hipster majority city. Most of everywhere I almost go, I see a majority hipster group. Again, not all of them are bad but for most, if you don’t see their point of view and what not, then you are nothing to them.  Now as for party people, I’ve known a lot and still do. Not all are bad. Not all of them do it every single fucking night unlike others. My biggest thing though is that, there are others who I have known throughout my life and that is what they are all about. I’ve known moms who have done that even. Go out. Drinking. Getting fucked up. Hooking up with one or more people. Like that is just their entire life. Working and then spending almost if not all of their money to go out and get fucked up. I’ll give you two examples. One of them is involving one of my favorite NFL network analysts. This one and the other example are fucking hilarious. There are more but these two are my favorites. This first example is involving Jane Slater. She is the former Longhorn Network Sideline reporter now working for NFL Network most notably for the Dallas Cowboys. Well first of all, I like Jane a lot. She is beautiful and a sweetheart. I have nothing against her. Now the funny thing is, one day I was on Instagram and I follow her on Instagram. Well there was this picture of her and two other friends of hers. One of them a former college roommate. The first part of that caption I do not remember but the second part read oh the stories that were told. She grew up. I never did. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH I LAUGHED MY FUCKING ASS OFF!!!! IT WAS ON JANE SLATERS INSTAGRAM PAGE!!! Now it didn’t annoy me like normal with other people or areas. It was annoying but it a very fucking hilarious way. Look Jane is successful for what she does. I like her a lot. At the end of the day she has the right to do whatever. She does go out a lot. I don’t know her. But I do see her pics on Instagram. I don’t know what goes on 100 percent but I think you get my point. It was funny as shit. Shout out to you Jane. You beautiful Kind-hearted babe you. Keep up the good work. I wish you were back on Longhorn Network. The second one involved an ex-girlfriend of one of the former players on our squad. I can’t say specifics on this next one like names and shit especially because I have a great reputation when it comes to my Guys and I absolutely do not want to risk it. Well here is what happened. I follow her on Instagram. Well she went to Vegas for her birthday and there was this picture on her Insta Story. The picture was a picture of google and in the search engine it read how to not get a hangover? Then the pic caption read YOU’RE NOT HELPING GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHA WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Ok, see what I’m saying. There is no way in hell to prevent a hangover unless you are somebody like me. I may have gotten a couple to be honest but otherwise most times when I have gotten drunk, I was never suffering from a hangover. Never even THREW UP ONCE!!!! Crazy huh? Well it is true. She definitely is not in the same category as Jane Slater. I’m sure the other one is a sweetheart maybe. I don’t know. She could be a huge bitch. I don’t know either but you see what I’m saying. It’s ok to go out and have a good time. I’ve done it. It’s a rare occasion. I’ve gotten fucked up too. Also, rare occasion. Shit as I have probably said already when my guys win a national championship in Hoops, that calls for a major fucking celebration. If you don’t think I will go out and get fucked up, I will especially because that is going to be a big moment not only for me. Not only for our program. Not only for UT. Not only for our guys and coaching staff. But for the entire City of Austin and the true members of Longhorn Nation. I will. Otherwise that’s not me. What I’m saying is it’s ok to go out, have a good time, and let loose. However there comes a point where people make that their life. Every single Night.  Yeah ok, I get that to some people maybe it’s an escape but it’s not a healthy escape. Last but not least to kind of combine the rich people part and this one. The thing that mostly annoys me is while people like me have to fight for everything and it’s a rare occasion we get a vacation and what not, here we are seeing pictures of your many great fucking vacations. Oh, we are so cool. We are on vacation. When you come back, OH MY GOD LETS GO ON ANOTHER ONE A FUCKING WEEK LATER!!!!!! (A week later passes again) OH MY GOD LETS DO YET ANOTHER ONE!!!!! (A week later) WOW LETS GO ON ANOTHER ONE!!!! Like dude ok we get it you are fucking rich. You have money. You are in the upper class. Cool. Like drop it. Now if you are going to see family or an event like a wedding etc. that’s different but just to go on vacation just to go…......MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!!!! Yeah ok dude whatever you say. OHHHHHHH SHIT!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA there actually is one more. Before I do that, if you are ever having a drink to honor somebody who has passed and you want to remember them. Also, celebration and unwinding after a hard day of work, that is ok. Otherwise another thing I find fucking hilarious is most people use holidays like Memorial Day etc. to get fucked up. I mean come on, it’s obvious. I saw a picture a couple of days ago where it said on one side ‘’ This is Great I wish every weekend was memorial weekend.’’ On the other side, it said ‘’For some families it is.’’ (Shaking my head while laughing) Damn so you see what I’m saying?

 Before I Continue I’ am now going to give a little advice to men and women. I’m going to do a section for each because honestly both us men and then women have some problems but when it comes to this definitely it is fucked up. So here it is. Now before I start this small section, this has to do with the hypocrisy of most. Now if men or women love to play the field and shit. For Men; Licking pussy and assholes, getting it in to get your dick wet, getting your cock sucked etc. Women: Taking it in the ass, getting your meat eaten, wanting to get a load of cum, well then no one is stopping you. I won’t. I can’t. All I can say is be careful. Now as for the hypocrites here is a section just for you and it is a little advice.  

 Men: Women are beautiful creatures. Most on the Outside. Some on the Inside. Some you want to see nude. Get it in with, right? I definitely do. Well that’s normal for us guys and normal for women. Sex is a natural thing. However, I want to look at it from the woman’s standpoint and ladies out there, pay attention to this. Guys pay attention to this, if you really want to win over a woman, most of them don’t want to hear about how you are the fucking shit. There is a difference between having confidence and acting like a douchebag/egomaniac/sociopath. Sociopath is where they don’t care about you. They only talk about themselves the entire time just to get stick their cocks inside your mouth, your pussy, or that ass. Most of it falls on the men but some women need to take blame because some douchebags and women get into relationships and after a while, something happens and then it causes a shit storm. They also do not appreciate you treating them like objects. Now granted we are all hypocrites when it comes to looks. I know I’ am. I Said it earlier but most of the time acting like a douche bag won’t get you far for long. Be a gentleman, ask how her day is, ask about her. When you do that in most instances, they will come around. Also, if you just want to look for hookups well then the Bar scene is just for you. There is a rare few that true relationships are formed from the Bar/Club/Partying scene. I think you know what I’m going to say next but point being from what I have seen or heard, that’s what I witness. So, men……if you are out and about, if you want a chance of a hook up, bar. But if you want to meet a woman for a long-term relationship then meet her at a coffee shop etc. show her some respect and chances are your douchebagness will not get you far. Also, be honest, be straight, be respectful, be loyal once you are in a relationship.

 Women: Please forgive me when I say I do not want to offend anybody. First of all, half naked pictures of you on social media is not necessarily the answer either. If you or your hookup or significant other want to sext each other nude pictures, then do the obvious. Sext each other. Now I’m talking about if you are modeling, at the beach relaxing, with family at a beach, Barbeque, showing off a cool tattoo, the lake, the pool, or weight loss progress, showing off a cool and pretty dress or whatever, ok that is different. But posting half naked pictures of yourself on social media, while yes even I find that very hot because I’m a guy, I would never use a woman just for sex unless it was a friend with benefit kind of thing. Also, again with the trust thing, you want to be careful with who you trust because people do use and you can be affected by it. You may not think so but if you attract the wrong crowd of guys, yes you can become a part of the I was just only used for my body looks. Also, money should not be the deciding factor for a relationship. I think it is stupid it is. My point being is if you want to look for a hook up, most of the time yes it will be at a party, club, or a bar. However, if you want to look for a long-term relationship, the club scene necessarily is not the only place to find that. If you look carefully and closer also out of your comfort zone, there are good people out there. Like for example, I’m not in the best shape. Yes, I don’t make a shit ton of fucking money, and yes, I’ am also a very mouthy guy and a very opinionated guy at first but once you get to know me, despite my flaws I’m actually not a bad guy and also I’m not the worst looking guy in the room neither. So, what I’m saying is pay attention to the signs. Again, if it is just for sex that you are ok with having a guy come after you for and it is something that you two have come to an agreement on? Then ok fine. More power to you. However, if it is a long term you want, be careful with who you trust. Get to know somebody first. Also, unless fate calls for it where you meet your future special someone man or woman at a club, party, or a bar, that scene to be honest is not the best scene to look for that. That’s all. Doesn’t make you bad but it is the truth. However as well, if you are in a long-term relationship with a guy or a woman, make sure you take time to appreciate each other. Men if you are reading this, this goes for you with either a woman or a man.

Both: Be honest, be respectful, be open, be straight, be truthful, be loyal, set boundaries. Appreciate each other, compromise, love each other, fight for one another. Set time for each other. Don’t neglect. And Most importantly accept each other for their assets and their flaws.

 There are more but those are mine. The overall take is I’ am concerned about the overall state of our future and the future for our children. Number 1, what is going on in our own country is not ok.  People may not agree with me on this part and that’s ok but despite the scandals, I Really am not rooting for Trump to fail. However, he was not my president. Neither was Hillary. Did I support Trump? I’ll be honest after Bernie got screwed, yes only because Hillary did not run a clean campaign. I didn’t vote for him and I did not vote for Hillary. Thanks to her friends in the DNC and that cunt Debbie Wasserman Schultz, they screwed the rightful presidential candidate in the Primaries. Yeah, I said it. Debbie Wasserman Schultz is a cunt for what she did. Yes, it is a sensitive subject. And I’m sorry to anybody I may have offended. Look I respect that a majority of voters wanted Hillary Clinton in office because she would be the first woman president in the history of the United States but I’m sorry she was not the right candidate. Not because she was a woman. However it was because of this reason and let me make this clear, she did not lose because she was a woman. She lost because she ran a very dirty campaign. The Clinton Family has had a history of scandals throughout their time in Washington. Most importantly it is because her and her establishment Buddies in the DNC most notably that Cunt Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Goddamn it I Fucking hate her. I cringe every time I say that name) screwed the rightful presidential candidate that is Bernie Sanders.

Most people news and anywhere: ‘’ OH HILLARY YOU ARE THE SAVIOR!!!! YOU ARE WHAT’S GOING TO BRING US FORWARD!!!!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!’’

 NEWSFLASH PEOPLE, SHE IS NOT OUR FUCKING SAVIOR!!!!!! Bernie Sanders was the rightful candidate to represent the Democratic party although the two-party system and the party system in general is a load of horse shit. Especially when most put their party’s agenda over the country first. I never got into politics until Bernie Sanders came onto the scene but before I get into Bernie Sanders and why he would’ve been the best president we could’ve ever had, let me say this. Number 1, where were the protests when Bernie got screwed?!?!??!?!? I’m pretty confident that most people on tv clearly seen why he was the actual rightful candidate. But no, it was all about Hillary. When she lost the election, almost everyone lost their shit. Where was the anger for Bernie? A lot of people should’ve known that once Hillary and her DNC Buddies fucked Bernie, that was the moment where well I guess Trump is going to be president. If you want somebody to blame for Trump being elected, blame Debbie Wasserman Schultz aka the Cunt.  Ok I understand that majority of people did not and I repeat DID NOT want Trump in office. I didn’t want him elected either really although I said I hope he does just to teach the establishment in the democratic party a lesson. When the Cunt and the DNC screwed Bernie, I knew right there that oh fuck Donald Trump was going to get into office. This election was the lesser of two evils. Now that time has passed, yeah maybe Hillary Clinton maybe just maybe would’ve been a little better but I still hate the bitch. If she would’ve ran a cleaner campaign without the help of the Cunt and her establishment buddies in the DNC, ok maybe I would’ve voted for her but no the cunt and the DNC basically colluded to screw the rightful presidential candidate. I did not vote for either. I hated both. I hate Hillary but I also hate Trump. At this point I just want what is best for the Country. You know what would be amazing for this country? A joint ticket. Bernie Sanders and John Kasich. Doesn’t matter who is President or Vice President. The first ever in our generations history, a joint ticket for office. Imagine the many possibilities that we could achieve if we had a joint ticket most notably those two? So many things can be done. You already know I love Bernie Sanders but John Kasich has won me over throughout the last several months. So, me and the old man before he went to Los Angeles for a business trip were sitting in the Living Room one night. We were watching the Bernie Sanders and John Kasich joint town hall addressing the Donald Trump-James Comey-Russia Situation. Everything they said was right on the money about how we need to get to the bottom of this and everybody in congress (Washington and All over the Country etc.) needs to get their heads out of their asses and work together. Let me tell you this investigation is serious. Bernie always says the right things but John Kasich at the end of the Town hall said hands down some of the best things I have ever heard that night. A conservative who sees both sides and at this point is wanting the Country over party first. Basically, is done with the party first bullshit. Here is some of the things that he said and I quote from the CNN town hall debate (By the way I do not own these quotes. They belong to CNN Overall. Special Thank you CNN for hosting this Town Hall. Fantastic Town Hall

‘’ Science matters...our environment matters.”- John Kasich

While saying he believes in the “traditional” form of marriage, Kasich said, “I don’t want to have anyone feeling oppressed...the decision that has been made by the court has been made and as far as I’m concerned, we move on. I don’t want anyone to be discriminated against.”- John Kasich from his Town Hall in April

"Settle down, love your neighbor like you want to be treated.’’- John Kasich

 That last one was hands down the best thing he said that night and overall the best thing that was said that night. It’s sad that friendships and relationships are falling apart because of the divided country that is being presented before us. Although I think what’s going on in our country is serious and an absolute fucking disaster especially with Billionaires owning our government basically and this country is basically a country for the upper class. Those in Washington like Bernie and Elizabeth Warren and then Governor Kasich have had enough because the truth is starting to come to light. This isn’t a joke anymore this is serious. Also, I originally thought that when Trump was running for president, because he was an outsider and most of the things that he has promised, he was going to keep. Obviously, that has not been the case. The one thing that I do agree with Trump on is while yes hold on a second people are going to be like oh my god you agree with the wall? You agree with him building a Wall? I did not say that. I do agree that we need to make our country safe again. Our cities safe again especially. Austin is a perfect example. Yes, it is growing but it comes with a price. Everything comes at a cost. Obviously, that isn’t happening when he is having secret meetings and revealing classified information to the Russians but as far as overall such as terrorists who are associated with ISIS etc. I agree. Especially when they turn our own people against us and it causes Cases of domestic terrorism. Now again as I have said, I don’t support keeping families apart. Also, and yes people are possibly going to Boo me for this but I never once heard Trump say ALL Immigrants. I heard him say all ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!!! Those who have went through the process the right way etc. alright then yes, they have just as much of a right to be here. There are some though and it doesn’t matter where you are from, there are some who have ruined it for others because of the trust factor after doing things such as terrorism, killing people, smuggling drugs etc. I’m sorry but it is true and in this world, you have to be careful with who you trust and who you let into your house. Basically it’s like adding security to your home. There are some blacks (Ghetto people and Gangbangers) who ruin it for the rest. Whites (Corrupt Politicians and Cops) who ruin it for the rest. Some Muslims (Terrorists) who ruin it for the rest. Some Latinos (Gangbangers) who ruin it for the rest. I think you get where I’m going I’m this. That I do agree with. Again, I don’t have a problem with race or religion or sexuality or sexual preference etc. I have a problem with the kind of person you are, the way you act, and the things you do whether you do douche bag type of shit, criminal, or evil deeds. That I do have a problem with. For example, and I apologize as well to all my black friends and the good ones, definitely not trying to offend you. Just trying to make a point, but let’s say someone went up to a friend of mine who was black and called them a Nigger. Donald Trump hates Niggers and shit like you Niggers better go back to the holy Nigger land where Niggers go to die (I have a True story about that actually which I will tell here in a minute).  If I was right there and heard that I don’t care what you are, you say that to any of my black friends or people who I know that are black (all who are good people especially my Neighbor Daryl) or any innocent black person who is just trying to live a normal life. I will say something. I have a major fucking problem with racism especially towards my people. I’ll tell you a quick story. There was this one time I was downtown having lunch at a place where my homeboy Rod was manager at. We were outside. Me, Him, and our homeboy Eli. There is this crazy fucking messed up old lady who smokes a fucking lot of cigarettes comes up to Rod. Rod of course is working but he is also not an angry person. Of course, he has to keep his cool as well professionally. Understandable. So, I don’t necessarily remember how it got started but it ended with her going on a racist rant. Saying Shit like ‘’All you Niggers are the fucking same.’’ ‘’Fucking Niggers.’’ ‘’Fuck you ya fucking Nigger.’’ Just very inapposite and very racist.  While Rod is over there being calm, the old crazy hag walks off and says ‘’Yeah go to hell you fucking Nigger.’’ It was just like wowwwwwwwwwww ok you have problems. The lady is lucky that the laws favor that no woman is to be hit unless you are defending yourself or your family from serious danger. Otherwise honestly, I would’ve knocked the bitch out. I don’t care if you have mental problems. That is just wrong. You also don’t talk about my people like that because yes if the laws allowed that women can be hit there are a few that do need to be hit. I don’t normally condone violence on women because they are beautiful creatures and plus mostly they are innocent. Confused in some instances and just innocent. That is fine and understandable. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with them. There are others who don’t know better that do need to learn some lessons like for example crazy ones like That racist old lady. Rich women who think they are better than every other woman. My Stepmom……. Multiple times, Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Oh god would I do anything to smack that lying bitch cunt right in her fucking face. I’ll smack that bitch and fuck up that pretty little face of hers). I know that is wrong of me to say because I do love women. I do not normally condone Violence on Women, I think it is wrong but I would be lying if I said that there aren’t a few here and there who do need to learn a fucking lesson and it is no excuse to act the way they do like those who I have just listed. However then for those who are fucked up on drugs etc. who try to do fucked up shit or who are in relationships and continue to cheat on their loyal man. There are more but there is one that I wish I could and then another situation where if you fuck with any of my people especially women figure like my Mom, my little sister, any of my people here in town, or most importantly Camille or her family, pending on the situation I’ll fucking whack ya senseless. There’s one in particular that If I saw him messing with Camille, I’ll fuck him up. Her ex Spencer. Fucking scumbag. I’ll make my father sit that one out. I know Camille and him are together but I don’t want him having anymore to deal with than he already has with the Business and trying to get his legal dilemma taken care of so if I see that Fucking Cockmonkey Spencer Fucking with Camille, I’ll take care of him and let him know that he will not fuck with my people especially people who accept me for who I’ am. Alright I’ am getting off major subject. So, as I was saying, who cares if you are black, white, Latino, Asian, Muslim, men, women, Christian, Buddhist, atheist, Gay, straight, etc. I SURE AS SHIT DON’T!!!!! Neither should anybody else and it is sad. Now when it comes to shit like religion and what not, I don’t trust the entire set of views of a normal Christian, Muslim, Islam, and the rest of the religions especially because a lot of people who believe in those religions corrupted it and used it as an excuse to do horrible things. Priests raping little boys, Terrorists using the teachings of Islam and Muslim and turning the words into their favor as an excuse to perform acts of Terrorism, and just evil shit like that but however if you are a good person full of light and also not trying to shove your beliefs down my throat, I don’t care about people’s religious beliefs. As a matter of fact, here are my beliefs. I believe in a higher power. I Believe that we are all here for a reason. As far as Christianity goes, I do believe that god sacrificed his only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins. I Absolutely believe in that. However, I do have questions. Maybe as I’ve grown up more, I’m a little bit of an atheist but an atheist who does believe but has serious questions. Growing up I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I was told that if you believe in god and that you turn yourself over to him, good things will happen. Same thing with all the shit I heard in church. First of all, everybody is a hypocrite. Second, my questions are involving justice. My biggest question is why is it that bad things happen to good people? Good things happen to bad people? Like for example, Camille while she can walk fine, she does have a back problem. She is a sweetheart. Love her to death. Why is it that she is suffering from that? Then on the other side I see all these upper-class people who are cruel to others. Rubbing it in about how much money they have. Fucking People over. They get the good stuff. Cars, money, pussy, the nice houses, etc. Also, some instances they get away with serious crimes such as murders. Almost feels like they can get away with whatever they want. They show money to the prosecutors or jury or whatever and boom ok you are free to go. That is my stance especially when I have conversations with the religious people I know. If god is here, why is it that he lets bad things happen to good people. Then good things happen to good people. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have tried to pray and hand my life over to god and nothing major to help turn my situation around happens. Because of that, sometimes I have considered becoming an atheist with some not all but some belief in god. I do have some major questions that I would like answered from the holy one and I feel like they haven’t been answered yet. Not all has been bad and there has been some good. Like I Finally have a woman figure in my life who loves me for me and doesn’t try to fucking be a dictator to me. She is actually respectful of me and my situation. I Do not once again know the full story or what goes on behind closed doors. I Base it off what I see, and experience. And those things that I just listed are what I see most of the time on a day to basis.  Back to what I was saying about Trump, while we want to be welcoming to all, some of them do take advantage and also overstay their welcomes. We do have to be careful. Instead of just saying come on in make yourselves at home when we don’t even know the strangers who are stepping into our house. Are they going to steal something? Destroy something? What are they doing to do? Everybody is skeptical of somebody. I know a lot of people are skeptical of me. It doesn’t surprise me. Well in this instance, there are people who have ruined it for others in different types of groups or areas. That is the only thing I will defend Trump on. Does that make me racist or prejudice against a race? No. Especially because I do pay attention to the news and I do pay attention to stuff that others may not. Never once heard him say anything prejudice against a race. That and that I never heard him once say racist things. Now he did say offensive things about disabled people like making fun of that disabled reporter. That I don’t agree with. That I 100 percent am offended by. However, if I’ am wrong, if I missed something and he did actually say something, someone please tell me because the last thing I want is for people especially those I know or my good reputation with my guys to be put in jeopardy because of something I didn’t notice or accidentally offending somebody. I Don’t want any more issues especially issues like that. Otherwise on that, that is on the media. Everything that Is going on now, the media is not wrong for covering it because possible obstruction of justice, and possible involvement or possible colluding with a hostile government like Russia during the Election it’s serious stuff. Now we all in the world have our issues with the media, most times the media is a load of crap. They do sometimes report bullshit or fake news. Their views are bullshit. Most notably a majority of Fox News conservative views and then MSNBC coverage (which is why I’m a CNN Guy) and their views during their so-called savior Hillary Clintons election. I remember how they were celebrating when Hillary won the democratic primary. The coverage of Hillary Clinton’s victory speech was disturbing. Her coming out with her whole creepy very happy face. Waving and all like ‘’Oh my gawd thank you. Thank you so much. I couldn’t have done this without all of you. Thank you, god bless, you thank you.’’ Stupidest thing ever. I then was thinking to myself like well duh clearly bitch. Clearly you did and yet you were lying to our faces. It was just disgusting. I was sick. Of course, that was when I said right there with guilt in my voice ‘’Hello President Trump.’’  However, they are not wrong on a lot of other things either. Example, again although I just want what is best for the country and for the planet of course as well as I normally don’t root for anybody to fail (unless you fuck me or my loved ones over then I hope karma bites you on your ass), what is going on is a Complete disaster. Donald Trump basically lied. The most notable one that I can remember or think of was that he Promised he wasn’t going to cut Medicare, Medicaid, social security, health insurance, etc.

Now he’s attempting to do the opposite. A lot of people rely on all of those. I don’t know what exactly it will do to Obamacare (Which I’ am not on) but what I do know is that the rest of it is a disaster. Up to 24 Million Americans kicked off their health insurance because they can’t afford it? That’s a problem. A major problem. I worry that myself (I’m on Medicaid, have been my entire life) or somebody I know and care about and also someone they know and care about etc. losing it. Basically, just another example of this country making steps to go towards it being for the upper class. Middle Class disappearing. That is a major problem. The word private comes into play and it just bugs the hell out of me. Private Health care. Private Insurance. Private Companies. Private Armies, private shows, private doctors, and you know who can afford anything private? Rich people. The other thing that concerns me is that Trump’s cabinet. All full of controversies. Also, the fact that everyone in each department wants to defund that department like for example Betsy DeVos wants to defund the department of education. I Mean it concerns me and I’m worried about the future for our kids and future generations to come. The most important thing that concerns me is Trump’s stance on Climate Change. The Proof is in the pudding that it is real. Trump’s head of EPA Scott Pruitt, had some controversy regarding him ignoring Scientific reports that clearly showed Oil and Gas drilling are what caused earthquakes in Oklahoma and he failed to enforce Pollution rules that would have stopped waste from Chicken farms in Arkansas floating down the river into Oklahoma. During his Time as Oklahoma’s AG, Pruitt although he lost, he even attempted to sue the EPA over mercury, Methane, and even other environmental rules that were put there. Now let’s go to one last example, Rick Perry. I’m not even going to go there. What I will say is basically what Bernie Says. We need to stop relying on dirty sources of energy such as gas, oil, and fossil fuel and more reliable on clean energy sources such as Solar. Before I continue there is one person I want to call out right here before I come to a close on this chapter and begin to put a bow on it. I need to call out one Tomi Lahren regarding that health bill. Yes, I have a crush on you. Yes, I think you are beautiful. Yes, not all but a teeny tiny little bit of views are valid points that I agree with. Otherwise I don’t agree with the rest. However, during the beginning of the health care saga, I watched your recent video saying that it is even better than Obamacare although the new health care bill has flaws. Ok I will give you that. However, I hate to break it to you but this health care bill is a fucking disaster. Worse than Obamacare. Let me tell you why, millions of people will get kicked off their healthcare. Up to 24 million people. People who can’t afford the expensive prices of health insurance provided by these corporations. What happens to the old people who have worked their entire lives and are retired? People who are injured and can’t work? Who don’t make a lot of money at their jobs or their jobs going out of business? Hmmmm? Oh yeah and what happens if there is somebody you know or care about who relies on Medicaid or Medicare? Are you and for example your mom close? What if she relies on that insurance? News flash, she will get affected too. Unless you get special privileges as part of the upper class. Which again I wouldn’t be surprised. By the way you want to respond and challenge me on this, my twitter handle is PhoenixKnight00. I’ll be waiting sweetheart. Also bring some rum and some popcorn and we will make it a party. Oh yeah and you want to question my integrity as a person because I don’t agree with you? Don’t forget your ‘’conservative’’ views got you fired……. twice. Just saying. Ok so now that I have done that, now it’s time to put a wrap on this chapter.

I’m going to start this off by telling you all why I believe in Bernie Sanders and why he would’ve hands down been the best president we ever had. First of all, Bernie Sanders is what and who got me into politics. Before Bernie Sanders, I never really much paid attention to the news at first. The only news I ever paid attention too was ESPN and sports news and then outside of that whenever end of the world news or predictions were being made because I used to be scared of that shit. I remember one time whenever I left Missouri after visiting my Mom in 2012 during the whole Mayan calendar saga, I was upset. I was scared. I was having nightmares about watching my mom die, my father die, and all my loved ones dying. Well as we all know since that was a major FAILED prediction by conspiracy theorists and crazy cuckoo nut jobs yet again, I gotten better with worrying. I don’t worry anymore. I still worry about what it does to Kids or people worse off than me. Otherwise, I have something I want to say really quickly before I get back to the main point of this chapter to conspiracy theorists who constantly fail predictions, when are you fucks going to learn? If you don’t want to live on this planet anymore, well then normally I don’t condone this as well but just…. well kill yourselves. If you really believe or want to not live then make it the end of the world. Just yours. First of all, Ya’ll are stupid. Second, you all are crazy and you need help. Third, to the religious Christian nut jobs who especially claim they know the bible beginning to end, remember these two Key verses. Matthew 24:43 and 1st Thessalonians 5:2. Both which clearly state that God will come when no one expects it. Like a THIEF IN THE FUCKING NIGHT!!! Hahahah you religious nut jobs who constantly make these failed jobs claim you read the bible every day? HAHAHAH NOOOOOOOOOO You don’t cause if you did, you wouldn’t make these retarded predictions. Back to Bernie now. When I first started paying attention to the news and I saw Bernie Sanders for the very first time on TV bringing attention to the serious corruption issues within our own government and country along with other various issues, it got my attention. He got my Attention. I started to watch more and more of his speeches and every time he was in a debate or town hall, I will not miss it. That’s how much I grew to admire Senator Sanders. His motto even won me over. ‘’A Future to Believe In.’’ Meanwhile your classic normal politician has a stupid and some non-getting people to believe in your mottos like ‘’I’m with Her or Him.’’ ‘’Ross for Boss.’’ ‘’I Like Ike.’’ Or here is the worse one. ‘’Building a Bridge to the 21st century.’’- Bill Clintons Slogan during his term. Bernie brought attention at least to me and others but I don’t know about the millions and millions of the rest, about the truth of what is going on and that is the middle class is disappearing along with the already disappearing lower class. That a majority of billionaires and corporations are running the show now. It’s killing people’s incomes, the planet, property taxes, and well a lot of other things I can’t think of. Buying elections in exchange for favors from the politicians they donated too. Its sick but Bernie is exposing that more and more if it hasn’t been exposed enough already. That is a president I can get behind. Personally, Donald Trump and Hillary stole that from him. If Bernie would’ve been the nominee as the Democratic party although again the two-party system is a load of bullshit, I think you should make it one member from the Republican party, one from democratic party and then an independent, but if he would’ve been running against anybody…...without a doubt hands down he would’ve stomped all their asses. Why? BECAUSE HE WAS THE RIGHTFUL CANDIDATE!!!!! HE WASN’T JUST YOUR AVERAGE EVERYDAY BULLSHIT POLITICAN!!!!!! LIES AND SLANDER AND BROKEN PROMISES!!!!! HE WAS REAL, HE WAS ABOUT UNITY, HONESTY, AND THE TRUTH!!!!! BERNIE SANDERS SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE NOMINEE FOR THOSE GODDAMN DEMOCRATS AND THEN THE PRESIDENT!!!!! NOT TRUMP AND YES NOT CROOKED HILLARY!!!!! I really pray to god Bernie runs again in 2020 and Kasich is his choice for Vice President. That would really be the best thing for this country. So much good could be done. Now as for everything else, let me just say this, I really hope that this Trump thing will bring Congress together to work together to repair this country. People can say oh it is fine and better than ever. I’ am sorry to say but no it’s not. It is slowly falling apart. I cannot control other people’s views and they can’t control mine. However, I see so much wrong with this country and this society. As far as everyday goes, I don’t know what else to say but the state of our country Is in serious jeopardy unless you are in the upper class. A group of people in Washington or where ever need to step up and start the process of ending Citizens United because it was obvious that it became a way for Billionaires and Corporate Scumbags to get more money in their pocket and you want to talk about Disaster? Citizens united is a Fucking Complete Disaster. Mr. President, if somehow someway you are reading this, you want to get the rest of Congress behind you when you are already in deep shit, I’ll tell you this, you can first start off by ending citizens united. Now you are not my president. I didn’t vote for you or Crooked Hillary. But if you want to make your presidency not a complete fucking disaster then start off first by ending citizens united. Then if being president is hard then either resign or do the right thing, follow through with your campaign promises that you made to people who were worried about their health care being cut or their Medicaid or Medicare being taken away and just drop this disaster of a healthcare bill. Also stop lying. Most importantly, somebody has to step up. Right now, things may be a little bit of a disaster on the outside but more alright. What happens when someone or the corrupt people in Washington does something very controversial like close to this health care bill? Sooner or later, if people keep getting screwed then ISIS, The Russians, and then of course Kim Jong Un and North Koreans will be the last of this country’s issues. There will be a rebellion where people are tired of the government. They will take it back and since it’s middle class, and lower class maybe some of the rare few higher-class people against the corrupt politician’s aka most of Washington and the 2%, yeah, we all know who will win that fight. Now I’m not endorsing that. Last thing I’d want is for war on our own lands especially when we have groups like ISIS, The North Koreans and yes even The Russians who I wouldn’t be surprised about if true that they all want to kill us. Clay Travis on fox sports said it best the other day. To stop somebody who’s religion or beliefs are in that killing a large sum of innocent people will bring them glory or too the heavens, yeah that’s difficult. However, it’s why classism is a much bigger problem than anything else. So, to end this, Mr President if somehow someway you are found innocent which again I’ am not wishing anything bad on you. I’m not wishing bad on anybody unless they are evil, or any enemies of mine or my loved ones, then I hope somehow you can prove me and millions of people who have every right to be concerned right now wrong. What’s going on right now is not ok!! I pray that this gets fixed before It gets too late. Do the right thing Mr. President. Otherwise, things could get worse. To anybody out there, one more thing I will add is that if there Is one thing you can take away from this, maybe the Unpredictability of Donald Trump is what wakes everybody up and brings us all closer together.

I have one more thing to say regarding the race thing and the hypocrisy thing along with something to say regarding recent allegations against Trump’s son Eric with a shot fired towards most of rich people in case I haven’t said it already. While I agree and I still stand by what I said that nobody should never ever be judged on race or the color of your skin, the hypocrisy behind it is just stupid. First of all, this is going back and in response to the Bill Maher controversy even though I think the whole thing to just lost your shit over it was just dumb. So, what happened was, Bill Maher a couple of weeks ago during an episode of Real Time was interviewing a Nebraska Senator. The main subject was people still working in the field. Well I don’t necessarily have the transcript in front of me but the Nebraska Senator jokingly said you should come work for us. Bill then jokingly said ‘’Senator, I’m a house nigga.’’ People just lost their shit and it became a national story even thought it was on HBO. Ok first of all, Black people make fun of us all the fucking time. Black comedians especially. Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart mainly. Now I don’t like Kevin Hart because he just annoys the hell out of me but Dave Chappelle is fucking hysterical. Second, if black people want to end the word Nigga completely then stop using it. All these ghetto motherfuckers and rappers and shit still use it all the time. Bill never said it as a malice disrespectful attempt towards Black People. HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF!!!! I get that the N word is a very sensitive word. I’m not denying that one bit. Absolutely not but it’s just stupid that you can’t say anything these days without people getting their panties up in a bunch and getting offended. It’s just stupid. I mean shit we don’t lose our shit when Black people especially black comedians make fun of white people. Why? Because it’s funny. Inappropriate comedy and raunchy comedy is funny. So funny that we all want to shit ourselves. I mean people just need to chill the hell out. I mean I’ll be honest, and I have a confession. I have used it before but never as a malice or disrespectful shot at black people. I have said it accidently in front of black people before rarely and I mean very very rarely but even they know that it was an accident and I immediately apologized especially because I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for the black community as long as they are good people. I used it with my white people before but calling them that. Why? Because number 1, its shittalking amongst everybody. Two, because I know to never use it purposely in front of black people. Three, I know a lot of amazing people who are black. Some of them, close friends of mine. Again the ones I talk too even said that the ghetto folk are the ones that are ruining the reputation of black people with them going out all the time dealing drugs, raping women, stealing cars, killing others, involved in gang activity. However it’s not just black people. Certain white people do it too. Latinos, Hispanics, Mexicans, etc. All do it. That’s why no one should never be judged by race or the color of their skin and you know the rest. Personality and what they do is the key. Also again Classism is the bigger issue than Racism. Does that make me racist what I just said? Hell no. It makes me real and it makes me see both sides of the picture. I have nothing but love for the black community, the white community, the Asians, Latino’s, Mexicans, Muslims, etc. If you are a good person though If anything, again I’m more of a classist where unless I know somebody and they are good people or famous musicians, athletes, and celebrities who are also good people and have actually worked hard and worked for everything also who didn’t have MOMMY AND DADDY HAND THEM EVERYTHING TO CONTINUE THEIR SPOILED ENTITLED PRIVIELEDGED COCKMONKEY ASSES, the average everyday rich person and what not, chances are I fucking don’t like you. So while I understand that racism is a very sensitive subject, people need to stop being so hypocritical. We could lose our shit whenever black people especially comedians call us crackers but we don’t because it’s funny and they make it funny. I get that comedians can sometimes cross the line and I’m not denying that or am I denying racism. I know it is alive but there is stuff that both sides can do to end it completely. ALL LIVES MATTER!!! NOT JUST BLACK, NOT JUST WHITE, NOT JUST WOMEN, NOT JUST MEN, NOT JUST ASIAN, MUSLIM, LATINO, ALL LIVES MATTER!!!! Racism is and always will be a problem but not as big as Classism. Which brings me to my next thing and it’s regarding the crazy right-wing supporters such as ones who claim that they voted for candidates because they were supposedly gods people and stupid shit like that, rich people and the president’s Son Eric. So the other day, Eric called out Democrats for not being people. Saying that they aren’t people. Yet he is allegedly being accused of stealing charity money from a charity golf tournament that was raised for a children’s hospital and putting it in his family’s organization. As if they weren’t already rich enough. If it is true, really? Stealing money from a children’s hospital to make your lying rich asses even richer. I’m not saying it’s true yet but if it is, what a shame what a shame. Which brings me to something I need to get off my chest. Unless you are any of my people (most notably my Brother Darby or Melissa or any of my family), or my guys or whatever because I do not want to insult them, the rest of the majority of most people which I however do not care if I insult because it needs to be said like most old right-wing folk claim that republicans are for them and that they are god’s creatures. Well I hate to break it to you but they are not for you. The only ones that are for YOU are Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and John Kasich (Who is a conservative but is hands down probably my only favorite republican and conservative) because they are done with the whole Party first bullshit and plus they aren’t for rich people anymore. If they and I’m talking about majority of the rest of congress were god’s creatures and they were for YOU then they wouldn’t do stupid disastrous deals to fuck over the middle and lower class while giving upper class billionaires tax breaks and to make their lying already rich asses already richer. So crazy religious voters etc. here is some advice for you, if you feel like you have been abandoned by the government, don’t vote for people like Bush, Trump, Reagan. Or most of the people who are in congress. Especially those who claim to put country first but instead they put the party, themselves, their billionaire friends, and then the billionaires’ friends’ other billionaire’s friends first. Put people like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and John Kasich who have stopped putting themselves and the party first and instead are actually putting YOU first!!!!! Just my advice and honestly the right way because I don’t mean to brag, actually I do because I’ am right on this.

 To all the politicians throughout our country unless you are Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and John Kasich, I have one question for you. Are you ready for this? You Sure? Ok here we go. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ACTING LIKE POLITICANS AND START BEING AMERICANS AGAIN? HMMMMMM? WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?

  With that, I end this chapter.

#BernieKasich2020 #AmericanRevolution #AFutureToBelieveIn #AllInThisTogether #NooneisaboveTheLaw #CitizensUnitedMustGo

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                                          Austin, Texas Today

                                 Chapter Song: Danny Brown-I Will

                     ‘’If anything, I’m more of a classist. I hate rich people, I hate hipsters and I hate crazies unless you are somebody I know and Is a good person but for the most part I’ am a classist.’’

                    ‘’I get that every city has problems. I’m using Austin as an example though because it does have problems that not a lot of people including our city officials are not paying attention too.’’

Austin, Texas. Home. My home for the last 6 years. A beautiful city. A City with lots to do. Is it going to be home forever? I don’t know yet. That is either going to be anywhere in the Dallas Fort Worth Area, Miami, San Marcos, Waco, or if I were to move back to Missouri one day it would be in Columbia or Kansas City. Maybe even somewhere else that the universe might have planned for me. I just don’t know yet. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I have pissed off with what I’m about to write about. Also, some that I was friends with but then I lost them or came close to losing because of our difference of opinions regarding the city of Austin. Look I have no problem with people having their opinions. There are many great things that make Austin a great city. Scenery, Beautiful Landmarks, traditions, etc. That does not mean that it is going to come free though. Everything comes at a price. I hate to break it to you but there are major problems that if this city cannot get their heads out of their asses to see the truth and stop caring about the money along with giving the media free access to basically get all these corporations and rich people to move here etc. then I’m sorry but this place will become a shit hole. I Do have some issues not only that I personally have but also that are legit concerns of many other people here in the City who may have been here longer. In this chapter I’ am going to discuss said issues and I’m going to give my take. Austin for now is still a great city for now, but there are things that I’m starting to notice again with many others doing the same that need to be fixed or otherwise good ol Austin Texas won’t be just good ol Austin Texas anymore. It will be good ol Corporate Austin Texas for the rich privies and then for the rest who have been here longer, it will become a shithole. Just like the rest of what our society is becoming. You can say I’m overreacting, go ahead. I don’t have anything at this point for the most part to lose except my guys and then the very true people in my life I have left but otherwise I do pay attention and I do see what I see. I don’t have a problem with people who love the city. I still love many great things about this city but it is declining. There are some who do not pay attention. I get the economy but again it comes at a price and some of what I’m about to share will include stories I have heard on the news such as the Haruka Weiser murder on the UT Campus. There is no problem with it growing but it is growing in an immature way.  Here we go.

 1.    Traffic: The Traffic here is a fucking nightmare. It is always a nightmare every damn day. It is a rare occasion when it’s good. Its normally early early morning like 3am or 4am when it is really good but otherwise it’s rare to find times of day. I-35, 183, 290, Mopac, Highway 1, jeez almost anywhere but Downtown except during Rush Hour everyday but the weekends. Otherwise everywhere you go, the traffic is a fucking nightmare. Ways to fix the problem are presented but is the city going to take those measures? Mayor Adler was talking about Smart Corridors. Last year. Haven’t heard anything since. As a matter of fact, here is some of what he said during his blog just about this same issue from Medium.com. (I do not own this blog and by no means I have any issue towards Adler. I heard he is a nice guy and that is good. I’m talking about the overall picture just like how I talked about with our country and the world)

‘’The problems we’re facing are clear to everyone: Picture North Lamar Boulevard, which the state built way back when as the old Dallas Highway. Now we use it as a local road, and it can’t hold all the cars. Buses make traffic worse when they stop to pick up passengers. The original designers never imagined that residential neighborhoods (and schools and convenience stores and bus stops) would grow up around the highways, so they never built sidewalks in many cases, and forget riding bikes in traffic. Too dangerous.’’

‘’Put another way, we’ve finally figured out how to fix traffic the Austin Way — a smarter way that works for everyone. It’s not cars versus bikes, safety versus congestion, neighborhoods versus developers, or any other iteration of the old divisions that have stymied Austin for decades. The Smart Corridor bond approaches old problems — too much traffic and not enough public transportation, sidewalks, and bike infrastructure — in a smart, holistic way that helps us all work together.’’

 ‘’The answer was in the corridor plans, thanks to all the public input that neighborhoods and stakeholder put into them. To relieve traffic congestion, boost rapid transit, make it easier and safer to walk and bike, and help us manage growth, we need to reject the old way of looking at these problems that sees only cross purposes and instead focuses on our common goal: making the roads work for everyone.’’

 ‘’ The answer was in the corridor plans, thanks to all the public input that neighborhoods and stakeholder put into them. To relieve traffic congestion, boost rapid transit, make it easier and safer to walk and bike, and help us manage growth, we need to reject the old way of looking at these problems that sees only cross purposes and instead focuses on our common goal: making the roads work for everyone.’’

‘’Turning the old state highways into Smart Corridors means making basic, simple changes such as installing smart traffic lights that can be timed remotely and automatically, putting in turn lanes and medians so you’re not stuck behind someone waiting to turn left, adding pullouts so buses get out of traffic when letting passengers on and off (and cue jumps so they can get a head start on traffic), and building sidewalks and protected bike lanes so people can get where they are going safely.’’

 ‘’Because a Smart Corridor would be good for vehicle traffic, many people assume that it would be anti-bike, anti-bus, and anti-pedestrian. This is not at all true. Got a bike? You get a safe way to get around on busy streets. Same with kids and their parents walking to school or just in the neighborhood. And if we are smart about it, we can direct new housing along the transit corridors to put the bus riders along bus routes, all the while protecting neighborhoods. This is what managing growth looks like: transit and riders along transit corridors, increasing capacity where we want it (along busy streets) instead of where we don’t want it (in the middle of existing neighborhoods).’’

 ‘’This plan also addresses infrastructure deficits in some of the most vulnerable parts of our city. Too many in Austin are walking in ditches instead of on sidewalks alongside busy roads or standing in the rain or hot sun at unsheltered bus stops. That’s wrong, unsafe, and unfair, and we can fix it.’’

Post quote. Mayor Adler I respect you but I have to ask the question, yes, the city can fix it but are we going to fix it? This was from July of Last summer. I haven’t heard anything since and I look at the local news on the KXAN app on my phone every day. If I may have missed it alright however and to every city that may read this one day, here is the truth, if there is a set of issues that are staring you right in the face and you say there is something that can be done and you then wait, I have one piece of advice. DON’T WAIT!!!!!! Just do it. Why do I say that is because it is not smart and yes, it is stupid to wait until shit hits the fan to start fixing the problems. If you say you are going to do something then do it. Don’t wait. Just fucking do it. Also, yes, I hate to say it and people are going to boo me but how about maybe adding some toll roads. Maybe like one on each major highway here in the city. That could help because then the city and the government can actually get out here and see it for themselves as well as if (And yes there are people who legitimately hold up traffic) people are holding up traffic, those who do it are fucked because they have one of two choices they can either go through or the highway patrol will arrest your ass. It’s one result of the immature growth which I will address at the end of this chapter.

 2.    Crime: Once again as listed in the world today, it does not matter about race. White, Black, Latino, etc. they all commit crimes. A few bad apples from each race will make their choice. Choices to rape women, deal drugs, rob stores, murdering people, it does not matter, people in each race will do it. It doesn’t matter. That’s not the issue. Don’t also give me the crime is everywhere bullshit, I know that I’m not an idiot. The issue is and I don’t care what an article says, not all articles are accurate and I don’t give a damn what anybody tries to tell me, crime has risen in Austin. As the years have gone by of me living in Austin, I’ am seeing more and more articles about crimes committed in Austin. In the last 2-3 years, I have seen more stories about homicide investigations after bodies are being found than I have seen my cock getting inside some pussy and getting wet and that’s a lot because I’ve never gotten laid. Gangs are starting to increase in this city, areas that used to be safe such as Campus, south congress, Round rock (Although it is its own area) etc. are not safe. I have something to say about Campus not being safe here shortly but wait until the homeless part which in a way is kind of a continuation of Crime. Now, again crime is everywhere. I can’t really explain how it normally increases. What I do know is that it is probably because of the immature growth and with the property tax. Austin used to be one of the safest cities in the World, but as more and more premature growth occurs where it is the whole oh just come on in without making improvements that will make your area sustainable, clean, or safe like someone who just got done hosting an orgy the night before and is now trying to get the house cleaned back up to make sure there isn’t god knows what contaminating the house before he or she has relatives coming into town. Does that make sense? I know it is a stupid example but I figured I try to make this somewhat funny. Crime is everywhere but it just seems like it is increasing more and more especially here in Austin because of this immature growth. Montopolis, way in the east 6th street, east Cesar Chavez, Rogge, used to be the only crime infested neighborhoods. Now it is increasing in areas that used to be safe. That is all I’m going to say on that.

  3.    The cost of Living/Starting to become more of a city for Rich Folk (Part 1): I was going to do homeless people next but I’m going to wait until number 5. Number 3, and I have to blame the media for this. Does anybody remember Detroit? Detroit used to be a wonderful city back in the 90’s. Lots of unique stuff to do. Now it is a shithole. Only downtown for the most part and the rich neighborhoods are where it is the safest in Detroit. Slowly that is what Austin is starting to become like. Because you have all these corporations opening up new businesses or a location for their extending company. Also, because you have all these fucks who move here from California who again DING DING DING MOST OF THEM ARE HIPSTERS!!!! Which is where I blame the media. THEY ARE IGNORING THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!! While we can’t stop growing in any city, Austin Texas is growing immaturely. All these fucks from California and New York come here with their money their fancy ass I’m a pussy who inherited this money from mommy and daddy and now I’m the owner of a billion-dollar corporation corporate fuck. You know what it’s doing it is raising the property tax immaturely which is probably and yes, it is a big cause of the Crime population rising and the homeless population rising. Which again because of the property tax rising, guess who gets the money into their pockets? It is the city and if anybody from the city wants to come after me or what not, go ahead. I’m exercising my first amendment rights. Freedom of speech. Not because it is my right, it is because I’m part of the few who pay attention to the truth. It is a cause of those two things I just listed because it is kicking people out of their homes who can no longer afford it. Some who then can’t afford to live anywhere else in this country. United States of America? Hah how about United States of Corporate America. Because that is what it is. You know what happens to those who get kicked out who can’t afford to leave the city to find somewhere else to live? They become homeless. They either snap because at this point the government doesn’t fucking care about them or they have to do what they have to do to survive. The media is at fault because they are ignoring the truth. Many more Austin Locals are joining me when we say to the Articles we see online or hear some famous person etc. saying oh how great is Austin Texas and that it is number 1 no wait I mean THE NUMBER 1 CITY IN AMERICA without seeing the truth that it comes at a cost to shut the fuck up. Because of it, more of these rich corporate hipster folk are just immediately jumping on board and as a result of it Locals who have lived here for years who are lucky to find another place to live leave when this has been their home for as long as I can remember.

 4.    Rich People plus now a festival for every goddamn thing imaginable and SXSW how much of a fucking nightmare it is: Ok this next one, really it has to do with yes, a little bit more continuation of the last part but it has to do with more festivals for every FUCKING thing imaginable. First of all, I love ACL. I’ve always wanted to attend ACL. ACL is classic Austin fest. I have absolutely no issue with ACL Fest. It is pure music. Some really good acts come to ACL every year. Kendrick Lamar is coming to the 2017 ACL Fest and he is headlining. I can’t afford it but at least it is not like BLOW YOUR BRAINS EXPENSIVE so one year I’m going to find a way to go. I also do not have an issue with some of the cool events that come here. Comic Con, Texas State Fair, The Rodeo, some of the cool concerts or shows that come here, and yes even the Wing Festival. Here is what I have a problem with though, the rest of the festivals and shit that are coming here brings a large amount of rich people or people who mostly not completely but mostly are just plain and simple looking to get fucked up. Almost like a what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas type of thing. Only instead it’s What happens in Austin stays in Austin. There is one festival that I’ am talking about in particular. South by Southwest. SXSW is a great festival for this motto. Interactive, Film, and Music. It is also great because it will make my people damn good money and then if I ever end up downtown one day it will make me some damn good money. Alright cool, I love money and I protect my money carefully. I Have a major problem however with most of the events being for people who can afford it and I mean very very wealthy. It is what it is. Yes, I get the free shows and stuff and if you get lucky, maybe just maybe you can see one of your favorite musicians who happened to decide to perform a free surprise show and yes it does bring famous people and celebrities from throughout which is cool. You may even get to run into one. That would be cool. However otherwise it is mostly for the party tourists and the rich people. I honestly blame the city a little bit but I’ll tell you who else I blame, I blame the SXSW organization. You have to have a badge to get into all of the really interesting stuff, the cool stuff. The prices are an outrage and just shocking. It’s basically like telling most of the locals since you are in our city to fuck off that we (Talking about South by) only care about your money and if you party and are rich then alright cool welcome. I probably wouldn’t be surprised if it is ran by hipsters. Probably is. Probably is ran by some long haired tacky clothes wearing hipster motherfucker. Alright now if somebody works hard to come up with a grand for that shocking arm and a leg price for the badge, ok cool. More power to you. If my people who are attending any of the events are having fun, definitely cool. If they are satisfied with making a fuck ton of money, then alright. Long as my people aren’t getting fucked with. Alright. Otherwise it is a party for rich people and party people. The difference between SXSW and the other festivals is SXSW is EVERYWHERE and other festivals are at one specific location which doesn’t make the City as Chaotic like South by. As for the partying, there comes a point where it gets out of control. The last two SXSW’S, there have been shootings but before that back in 2014, there is a man who went by the name of Rashad Owens. Anybody remember Rashad Owens? No? Alright well Rashad Owens was a young black man. He was troubled though. He was on the run already due to some legal troubles he had in Alaska. It was to the point where he had warrants out for his arrest. On March 13th, 2014, Mr Owens made a stupid mistake by getting so fucked up and shitfaced where he drove his car into a crowd of people. Two immediately died, two later passed away days later following the fatal injuries. Although he did try to run from the Cops, it is a blessing and a miracle that he recognized his mistakes and had remorse. It sucks that unfortunately that he had to pay the piper an even bigger price because capital murder is no joke ladies and gentlemen. I Still do pray for the victims and my heart goes out to the victims’ families who lost their loved ones and then my heart goes out to those who were a part of that horrible night who either survived or witnessed that horrible event but to those who have survived, my heart is happy for you. As well, because of Mr. Owens remorse for who he hurt because of his mistakes, although he will have to spend the rest of his life behind bars without parole, my heart does go out to him and I do pray that god will forgive him and help him find peace in his heart. It was a mistake, it was a stupid one, it is one that will live with him till he dies but I do wish him well. To the victims whose lives were taken, Rest in peace. Now for the shootings the last couple of years during South by, luckily no one was hurt. No one was killed but it did happen in the source of where the most irresponsible events and people are at, 6th street. This is what happens when crowd control starts to become a major issue which is what it has become each and every single South by. I get that it is a fun event for some. Money making event for most. However there comes a point where it does get out of control. If people want to have fun, ok. That’s fine. Some get irresponsible, ok. That’s fine. If you know how to handle it and know when enough is enough, alright then go ape shit. If you don’t then you got to look at yourself in the mirror dude. There will come a point where the crowd control will get so out of control and then more and more people will get irresponsible to the point where bad shit is going to happen. Crimes have even risen especially during South by. Some just because people are evil in this world and then others because people are just so infested and obsessed with getting so fucked up that they don’t care what happens and that is a problem. If the organization doesn’t figure out a way to make sure people are safe but yet they can still have fun, then as soon as a major crisis happens during their event then people are going to get tired of it. Shit I would not be surprised if petitions are being made to get them to wake the fuck up instead of being all about making money and partying. I really would not be surprised. I’m not talking about taking alcohol away, oh no no no. I’m talking about finding a way to get the crowd under control to where they can have fun and then still be safe. If they and yes, I’m basically calling them stupid, if they are smart enough to open up this organization and be in the positions they are in, then it shouldn’t be hard to find a way to keep the crowd under control, somewhat responsible but where they can still have fun and let loose. Why haven’t they done it? That’s my question. The thing that annoys me the most about the festival and this is just more of an annoyance. I have walked around this city a lot during south by over the years. Last year, I remember walking around during St. Patrick’s Day that night. Obviously, the worse night to do just that but I did it anyways because hey why not give it another shot. Well I was with one of my former best friends. We went but we obviously did not last long. All of the people fucked up. Navigating through 6th street during a Thursday night on St. Patrick’s night during South By, alright I think you know that is not the best time. While we were navigating through east 6th it was a fucking nightmare. My friend at the time was not himself so I ended up being the navigator. Well it was a pain in the ass and stressful especially being around a FUCK TON of people who were fucked up. Almost got into a fight with a few of them because they were pushing us mostly me and then giving me dirty looks. Others were screaming in my Face like ‘’WOOOOOO FUCKING AUSTIN!!!!!’’ and I don’t like that. I don’t like it when people scream in my face like that, because it’s just rude and I would’ve knocked them the fuck out. After that and then after dinner at WhichWich, we decided fuck this. So, we decided to head back to his place. Well as we were walking south towards Town Lake because that’s where we needed to catch a bus, we stopped for a few minutes at the bridge and it was just wasn’t a good night. That moment right there especially because so much was already happening in other areas of my life, it wasn’t pleasant. Of course, our well at this point my moment of peace was just interrupted by a bunch of partiers screaming and yelling. What annoys me the most is that most people not all but most people as well who move to Austin move here because of events like that, they just think that oh this city you can party all night long, get fucked up, fuck whoever you want, and just be irresponsible 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It’s just annoying and irresponsible. It’s like they are still living in high school because in high school and somewhat college, it was all about the college experience. All fun and games. It’s just immature and annoying. As for the rest before I close out this part, the rest of the festivals (except ACL. HELL YEAH TO ACL IS awesome) it’s just annoying. These days it seems like there is a festival for everything in this city. Food and wine, Wings festival (I’m ok with that one again), etc. Like what next, Adler and Abbott one night double team Kim Kardashian and then now all of a sudden, it's going to be Kim Kardashian fest? It’s just annoying. Well if that is the case, I might have some suggestions. One in Particular. Longhorn Fest. Do it every year during the weekend of the red river Rivalry when we play Oklahoma. Or something for just us locals. Like ATX fest, to show appreciation to the locals who work hard or have done good things for this city etc. Really though, while I can appreciate that there is a lot to do in the city, more than what I was able to do in my hometown, I just wish that organizations who host festivals in our city can just make things a little fairer for us locals and safer. Example, South by again……

If they did the following then alright maybe I will jump on board.

A.   Make your website to where you have to sign in or make an account to buy the damn badges and make a damn database to where if you are a local take 300 to 500 dollars off. If you are an out of townie then it stays the same. Make the database or policy to where it can do that. If they are smart enough to be where they are at then they should be smart enough as well to not only make the festival just a little safer but to make their fucking money-making badges cheaper for the locals. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times that I wanted to go to shows but you had to have a FUCKING badge to do that. B. Make the festival and the policy safer just a little bit. I’m not Talking about Martial Law type of safe, I’m talking about getting the crowd under control. Or like even more staff at bars and shit. That is just chaos right there.

      When you have to deal with this for 9 days once a year where a bunch of out of townies come from where they are at and they basically treat this like a party pad where anything goes and they don’t have to play by the rules where this also basically becomes their city then yeah, it’s like what the fuck ya know? South by does that, and the out of townies don’t get out of control then alright I’m on board. Otherwise, Welcome to Austin then 4 words DON’T FUCKING MOVE HERE!!!! We already have an overcrowded city and it’s just going to make things worse. When it is Tourists do whatever the fuck you want time, ok get it out of your system and then when time is up DON’T FUCKING STAY!!! PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!

  5.    The final one. The homeless and the mentally unstable situation that also has to do with the crime part: Alright, this one I’m probably going to have the most to say on. Number 2 and 5 both have somewhat to do with each other. All of it for that matter has to do with each other but this one, I’m going to unleash. The homeless problem in Austin is a fucking major problem. Not all homeless people are bad. I know one personally and he is a good guy and I also know that there are always a few others who are legitimately trying to get out of their situations and turn it around especially if they get fucked by the system but the rest which is a good chunk of what I see on a day to day basis is a major problem. Shit I see it increasing more and more. Definitely in areas that used to be safe and not as infested are now becoming more infested. The things I see on a day to day basis from homeless people, it’s disturbing but it’s more sad. Talking to themselves, going apeshit, trying to panhandle for money just so they can go out and buy drugs and alcohol. Good lord it’s just gross. Even violently panhandling people for money for their addiction. In regard to areas that used to be safe, I have a perfect example. I have a question for everybody. Do you want to know why I have been saying Haruka Weiser? Well Haruka Weiser was a freshman at UT who got murdered by a homeless person last year who had mental problems. She was walking around campus one night by herself heading back to her dorm from the Drama Building which what I assumed she was part of a drama club for acting. Unfortunately she never made it home that night and she was found dead in Waller Creek that Friday if I’m not mistaken. There was a young man by the name of Meechaiel Criner. He was 17 years old at the time. He was the suspect of Haruka Weiser’s killing. Now I did some background check on some articles from KXAN and the kid had problems that weren’t necessarily his fault because he did have to live in a bunch of foster homes and he was bullied. He even came home crying every day and his foster families from what I read ignored him. He was not a bad kid but he did have mental problems and he was homeless at the time. However what he did was first degree murder so he did know what he was doing. My question is why Haruka? Why was he on campus that night? What was being done to help prevent this from happening before? He was homeless, he had a fucked-up home life throughout his entire life. He had nowhere to go. Not a lot of options and I will get to my response to the city here shortly but seriously why was he on campus that night? Blame has to go all around to everyone but Haruka and Haruka’s loved ones. She was from Portland for fuck sakes. She was a beautiful young lady who had so much to live for, and here we are having mental unstable crazy people (while yes, I understand he had a fucked-up life) like Meechaiel Criner roaming the streets. It is just an example of many. So many fucked up things with homeless people going on in this city. Here’s something more fucked up, not a lot of facilities to get these people into so they can get the help they need or the medications they need to help them with their problem. There’s only one homeless shelter and it’s the one on East 7th street. Even then every time I go by there, I just see a bunch of them all crowded outside, all messed up and getting fucked up and that’s just the tip of the iceberg with the homeless problem in the city. Seriously, everywhere I go in this city probably except for Southpark Meadows, all I see is homeless people everywhere and most of them are mentally unstable. The city and yes, the police have to do something about this. First of all build more shelters and facilities even if it is just like 3 or 4 more of each. You obviously have enough money for all these fucking bars, restaurants, housing, Condos, etc. for crying out loud to keep putting money in your pockets how bout you use your infinite source of unlimited money and keep the city safe and get these people the help that they need. Second, I don’t care if you have to force the ones who don’t want to go. You fucking drag them if you must. Third, and yes this is true, stop dragging most of them from fucking California. Stop taking them in from California. California, Missouri, New Orleans, or just anywhere. State or cities. That is their problem. Not ours and it shouldn’t be our problem. The homeless population is getting so out of control as well to where stuff like the murder of Haruka Weiser keep happening. What are you going to do Austin? Hmmmm? People are going to say again but Sky there are homeless people everywhere in the country and world? Ok yes, I get it. Again do not tell me something I already fucking know. There are homeless people all over the country and yes probably world. Anybody who says that is correct, including me. I know, I’m not stupid. However from what I have seen so far, Austin has the worst problem. I’ve been to other cities. As a matter of fact here is some of the major cities I have been too and I’ll tell you what I have seen…

-Miami: When I was in Miami last summer, I barely saw a homeless person in sight. Me and the old man explored a good chunk of Miami. Miami has their shit together. Besides, I love the city of Miami.

-Kansas City: More quiet. More peaceful. Not as fucking nuts. As far as the homeless problem goes, same as Miami. However there were more but they weren’t everyfuckingwhere in the city and then some wherever you went.

-New Orleans: Bourbon Street. Otherwise the rest of the city is pretty normal.

-Houston: Saw some downtown but Houston was already big so honestly, I don’t know and I should because I have been there many times.

-Waco: None

- San Marcos: None at all.

-Columbia: None well that’s not true. I did see one here and there.

-Oklahoma City: West side was a little rough

-Tulsa: None

-DFW Area: A little bit like Austin but not much.

 So anybody who dares to try to test me and say Oh Sky you don’t know anything, oh believe me I do know something. I know a lot more than you think. I get that there is still so much to see so yes you are right on that but until I get proven wrong just like on a lot of things, Austin right now hands down is the worst when it comes to Homeless people. It’s increasing by the minute almost every day. While there are good people who for real got screwed by the government and who are trying to get their shit together, most of the rest are roaming the streets doing god knows what. It is a problem. What is the city going to do about it? Right now it seems like nothing.

 6.    The Construction Always Holding People up: One thing to say about this, most of the time when there is a construction area, most of the time there is nobody there doing A DAMN THING!!! When you do see workers, they are not doing a damn thing!!! Every time for the most part when I’m by one or close to one, that is what I see most of the time.  Do your jobs and then fucking do whatever. Don’t just stand around and do nothing. It is also a part of the traffic problem. Happens almost a lot throughout the city and my bus route.

  Ok so here we are with Closing. I’m going to close it with this. It is not too late to fix the issues that our city has and they aren’t normal issues folks, they are BIG ISSUES. It’s just like majority of congress, Scientists and Bernie Sanders back and forth with Donald Trump, and The Republican Party in regard to Climate Change. Obviously, climate change is real. Bernie, Majority of Congress, scientists etc. believe that is real especially with the scientific research behind it by some of the best scientists in the world. It is but Donald Trump and the Republican Party continue to not believe it and deny it. That is how I’ am when it comes to our city. It is still a great city for now but there will come a point that if the city for once in their lives and this is with any city, any state, any country, and anybody in the world can just stop being about fucking money for once, then we can get this under control. Why do I say Austin? Well this is them normally, we want more. Build build Build. Come on in. Cha Ching. Oh wait we want even more. Build more condos, build more condos, build more condos. Thanks for your money but wait we are not done. WE WANT EVEN MORE…… BUILD EVEN MORE CONDOS, MORE CORPORATE OFFICES, BUILD MORE HOUSES, INVITE MORE RICH PEOPLE, RAISE THE FUCKING PROPERTY TAXES. OK COOL BUT WAITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT WE WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you see where I’m going with this? Money and power is getting to their heads to the point where it’s blinding them. This is with any city and I hope any city official or whatever from any other city who reads this takes this seriously and looks at the Detroit situation as an example. If the city can do the right thing and fix the problems and I mean the major problems that we have here in Austin first without the constant immature growth then once you fix it then ok continue to build but what the city is doing is trying to get more of what they want etc. without looking or building a strategy to prevent major backfire down the road. Austin Texas is still a great beautiful city. For how long though? What is the city going to do?

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Lock= Nothing to worry about. People who have proved to me that they accept me for who I’ am and although we have disagreements, they take accountability for their actions. They have never left my side even when they had every right too. Also, who put forth effort in return. Honest with me finally. Who I will do anything for

My father

Veronica (My sweet VeeBear)

Richie

Camille

My Mom (Now)

My Grandma Bren

Corey

Evan

Brieanna

Uncle Dave

Chris (Andria’s Chris)

Andria

My Homeboy Chris (Starbucks Chris)

Aunt Carla

Darby (My Brother)

Millay

Walt

Grandma Sandra (I do need to do a better job keeping in contact with her)

Danny

Sam

Jonas

Brantley

Acacia

David

Adam

Alex

Willis

Natalya

Walt

My KC people (You Know who you are)

Grandpa Ben

Grandma Debbie

Jared

Lonnie

Rachel (Camille’s sister)

Daniel (Camille’s Brother)

Eli

Dave (Camille’s dad)

Robyn (Camille’s mom)

Drew

Uncle Kevin

Karen

Julian

Durgan

Curt

Mark-Ryan

Neil

Sarah

My Stepdad Jesse

Step-Step Mom Becky  

Will

Devonna

Judd

Jen

Uncle Mike

Aunt Erin

Tiffany

Mark

Robyn (My sister in law who I need to make my way home back just to see my brother so I can meet her and of course my beautiful Niece Oaklee)

Cara

Lundy

Joe

Millie

Melissa

Wes

MaryAnna

Glenn

Michelle

Titus

Jaimie

Nathan

Sage

Amanda (Sage’s girl)

Boji

Austin

Cortney

Jacob

Veronica (V.C)

Tony

Kay

Adam F. (You know who you are bro. My ultimate Fantasy Football Rival who plays with me in my CoMo Nights league. Love you brother)

Laura (Adam’s wife)

   About to be Lock= People who while I’ am becoming closer with, I hope to develop long term friendships/closer bonds with with going forward and keep it that way. Others, those who I have reconnected With

Laicee

David (Laicee’s husband who I still have yet to meet)

Caitlin

Carly                                      

Justin

Ryan

Brittani

Carrie

Jayne

Summer

Logan

Javier

Mollie

Karyn

Heather

Kelly

Wes (Former Starbucks Wes)

Nhi

Long

Mae-Rose

Kristina

Erin (One of my former Bosses)

Rob

    Need to tighten Up the chain/Repair the Key and lock= People who I still care about and accept and also who I hope don’t hate me now despite my imperfections over the years. Also split between that and those who I haven’t heard from in a while.

Jade

Rod

Tammy

Miranda

Kelsey

Amanda (Missouri Amanda)

Alexis

Aaron

Ivy        

   People who I hope to be able to make things right with if fate calls for it one day

Brittany

Marisa

 Then People I need to do a better job of reconnecting with

Almost my entire family back home.

Sharon (Nicks mom)

   As for the future. Whoever comes into my life, I hope to be able to add you to one of the top two lists. While I will be fair, honest, and do whatever I can to show you how much I care, I’m not going to be kissing ass.

 *Note-The lists are constantly updating. They will be going forward. People can be added to one of these, taken off, or switched up.

To everybody who has made this chapter, especially the top two lists but still every list on this chapter, I just want you to know how much I love you guys. I have a quick message for each group.

 To my Locks= You guys are on the best list of them all. Why? Because over time no matter how long whether it’s my entire life, over the years, or even when the first minute I met you and we hit things off really well where we are accepting of each other and we just know it that we were going to be close for a long time, you all have been accepting of me. You don’t bullshit me. You respect me as a person. You don’t look down on me. There have been many times where Ya’ll could’ve been like fuck you and walked away but you didn’t. You celebrated the good with me. Stuck by me when I was at my worse. You also don’t put everything on me like it’s my fault. Effort is coming from both sides where not all the effort has to be on me. Things may not be perfect. We may have our moments. We fuck up. But we get over it most of the time pretty quickly and work it out. You appreciate me for who I’ am. Despite my bullshit, you look past it. You are there somehow someway when it matters most. You also don’t try to shove shit down my throat Because of that, you are on this list. I want you all to know that I’ am so grateful for your appreciation, acceptance, and support over the years. Anytime as long as nothing serious life wise (work, very dire emergencies, etc.) are happening, anytime you ever need anything. Anytime of any day. Day or night. 24/7/365 a year, even just to vent, my door is always open. Oh, and by the way the lock list is the final list of people who are absolutely allowed to bother me during the season when it’s my time with my guys. I mean anything. Just to say hi, chat, to obviously the important like emergencies or rough nights. If you need help or just need someone to talk too, I’m here. Even if I don’t talk to some of you every single minute of every day, that doesn’t matter. I still love you all very much.

 About to be Locks= Over time especially recently whether up to 6 months to a year and also those who I may have recently reconnected with, you all are about to be locks. Pretty much close. I hope that while I may stand by most of everything else I have said in this book, as I have gotten to known you guys and for those who I have reconnected with, you see that I’m not a bad guy but I also think that you all are pretty amazing people and human beings, I hope you feel comfortable enough to come to me for anything you need. No pressure. I May have my moments, I’m not perfect but for those in the locks and then this one. We may also have our moments of disagreements where questions and irritations will happen but otherwise if you ever need me to be in your corner, I will be there. I hope this and then some proves that I mean everything I say.

 Key and Lock Repairs= I do miss you guys. Some of you may have gotten sick of my shit over the years. Others are busy. That is why I included in case those who I haven’t heard from in a while. That is fine. If somehow, we reunite, I hope you feel safe and comfortable enough to come to me about any issues you may have with me. I’d rather people be straight with me and we can try to work this out. I hope this book may help you understand possibly that despite my imperfections, everything I’ve been saying, I’m not lying about. That everything in this book is the truth I have learned and most importantly how I have been feeling. That you see that at the end of the day, I’m still the same ol friendly loving sky once you get into my inner circle also get to know me and that I’m trying to turn myself around although this hasn’t been easy. If this is indeed the end though whenever the time comes, while I do ask that you please remember that I tried to do the best I can and while I will not take the blame entirely for our issues or any potential one that may be our downfall because I do pay more attention in situations, I do love you guys and I will always cherish the great amazing memories we had. I will always think highly and I hope likewise. Otherwise if it is just an in general I haven’t heard from you in a while because we all are busy, well 4 words. I FUCKING MISS YOU!!!!!

  Who I hope to make things right with one day if fate calls for it because at the end of the day I don’t want problems with anybody? = Marisa and Brittany, you may have already seen my chapters I wrote on you.

Marisa, as a former woman who I once was in love with, I was not easy to deal with despite how fucked up I was. I was stupid back then. I’ am not now. I’ am very happy that you found someone who loves you for you and who doesn’t fuck with you. Congrats again to you and Joel. Even though we may not talk much anymore, if anytime at all you ever need anything and you decide to come to me, I will be there. No intentions but to just be there. I still love you as a spiritual sister. As a sister in Christ even though we have different views on it and live different lives. You are more successful and more settled in and down, I still have work to do (We all have work to do but you get my point) to get better. You are a Wonderful person Marisa. Don’t ever change.

 Brittany as for you, although I’d be lying if I said maybe I didn’t have a little crush on you but the non-douchebag way but it was more because you have such a sweet personality and heart of gold even if you still hate my guts, you became someone who I considered more of family and someone who I’m comfortable talking with and likewise. Even if it was for a short time, I was blessed and I will always cherish the great times and conversations we had, especially when we had that moment of being able to come to each other about anything. Definitely when you moved to Houston. Look I know I have said we both fucked up. You fucked up first but you have already apologized in 2016 even though it was more of a good bye because yes, I was losing it due to serious shit in other areas and yes, I was overwhelming. You have nothing to apologize for anymore. I hope that message in the Private Video showed you how much I meant everything I said. In case you haven’t seen it well then, I put the message I wrote in the chapter that I wrote regarding on our situation but no matter what, I said it already but im gonna say it again one more time, I’ am very thankful for the good times we had. No matter what type, they are happy memories. Despite everything that happened, I forgive you. I forgave you a while back. All I ask is that you understand that now because of everything else that has happened in other areas, it made me think and took a long look at myself, and anytime chaos happened in other areas over the last year and a half especially those that happened so far, this year (2017 is not ruined…...yet. Hopefully it doesn’t get ruined) I did think about our situation. Only this time I felt because of the way I acted as well, that it was karma coming to haunt me in retaliation. I Still stand by some of what I felt but otherwise I should’ve handled this differently. Just so you know that no matter what, you are 100 percent absolutely not a curse to my guys and Longhorn nation and as one final act of kindness and absolutely no pressure to support them, that is up to you. But as of tonight May 31st, 2017, as a hardcore member of Longhorn Nation who has established a great reputation within Longhorn Nation, I’ am officially placing the Curse on myself (I will never stop supporting them) but I’ am permanently placing the Curse to my guys on myself because it was absolutely wrong for me to call you a curse to my guys. It was inappropriate absolutely inappropriate and over the top to call you a curse to my guys especially on social media. No matter what distain you feel towards me, how annoyed you may get with me etc. That isn’t going to stop me from waking the fuck up and try to own up to my mistakes so I will say no matter what, get used to it sister haha. I Wish you nothing but the best and you do deserve nothing but the best. Don’t ever change.

  Then the people who I need to do a better job at keeping better with: I hope you know that I have not forgotten about you. I love you all so much. I have not been in a good place but I will do whatever it takes to show you that I have not forgotten about you. Please know that you can call me anytime. I miss you all. If I ‘am busy and I don’t pick up, I will get back to you ASAP. For those who have cell phones, texting is better because I can reply back faster.

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                        ---------------------------------Sex/Relationship Chapter --------------------------------

 This chapter right here, it involves one of my biggest frustrations. I’m a 23-year-old man and I have yet to have sex. This chapter is going to have some very personal stuff so if you want to skip that is fine. Otherwise I'm going to continue. Over the years as I continue to get older, plain, and simple…. I’m horny as shit. Having to hear people constantly talk about it, it's frustrating me. You really don't think I want to have a pretty girl in my bed naked and we're doing the business? Ha-ha you are mistaken if you don't think that I want that. I want that more than anything. Yes, I believe in treating a woman right. Always. I never want to use a girl just for sex I mean unless it's a friend with benefit kind of thing. That's fine. Otherwise when the time comes that I meet that special someone, it's not going to be about just Sex with me. Yes, I ‘am not going to be afraid on the other hand, I'm sexually frustrated. Probably the reason I'm also very frustrated. I see all these beautiful women on a day to day basis. I even see people who are psychically in not so great shape. Probably Sometimes worse but they get the finest of the fine. Probably because they have money. I'm smashing my head against the wall like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck gahhhhhh I need to get laid because I do. Increasingly as years go by, I get more sexually frustrated. It pisses me off when others especially people I know talk about how it's the greatest fucking thing in the world. I'm not in the best shape right now. I was last year until the shit with my family started to happen. Then I was just like you know what fuck this what's the point?? I'm never going to get laid. Never going to get a chick for companionship because I'm not a fucking hipster, I'm not rich and as always when people get to know me, most of the time yet again they go running the other way. It's especially hard in this town because I'm also not a partier. Most girls in this town are looking to party. So, if you are rich, a hipster, or a fucking partier which I'm neither of those 3 then You're good to go. I'm not looking for a model type. Some of the chicks I've had a thing for were not model types. What I look for in a girl are these following things.

Number 1, you do not have to be a Charlotte McKinney type of chick. I don't care if it's a little bit chunky. Look at Jake Lindsey's (Baylor Basketball player) girlfriend from Baylor. She's a little Chunky especially on the face yet she's so damn beautiful. You don't believe me? Look. Some of the other chicks including a former Barista at my Starbucks were almost the exact same way. So, I'm not picky necessarily. Now if you don't present yourself well like you are a ghetto woman or trailer park trash then I'm not interested. That's a different story. I don't care who it is. White, Black, Latino, etc. I don't care about race. There are many beautiful women in all categories. It's your lifestyle and your personality that are important to me. If you are out getting in trouble with the law, or just trashy and don't take care of yourself or if you are a partier etc. then I'm not interested. Now I don't care if you want to go out and have a good time but if you are all about getting fucked up every night, no thank you.

2. If you treat my loved ones with respect. That's very important. You don't treat my loved ones with respect or if you fuck with them then you better fucking leave immediately because I will not tolerate that. No way.

3. Someone who will put forth the effort in return. Not all of it will be on me. Same thing with accountability. That is a pet peeve of mine if people don't take accountability for their actions. 95 percent of the time I will take accountability but if others don't. That does irritate me big time. I will not be afraid to call you out either. So just be prepared.

4. Who accepts me for who I ‘am and my situation. If I do things for them and when they need something or someone to talk too, I will be there but when I need it, I don't want to have to feel like what I say doesn't matter too.

5. As long as she's not all about money. As long as I don't have anything life related or whatever going on, most of the time I will do whatever she wants to do for the most part. However, when basketball season is around and my guys are playing, I don't care what anybody says including her but they will always come first. Especially because they have been the most consistent thing in my life. Now she has a choice, If she's a hoops fan especially a Longhorn then sweet. Definitely she's a keeper. I mean there is no doubt about that. To any woman who is a Diehard supporter of my guys, that hands down is a major bonus. That is a turn on for me. Does it sound weird? Yes, it does but you know what I don't care. It's something that has been a big part of my life. I don't care what she does if she isn’t interested but if she can't accept that then I can't accept her because she doesn't understand what my guys have meant to me and how much they do mean to me. That right there is very important to me when it comes to things I love. I have fantasy football and other things yes but my guys mean more to me more than anyone can understand. I remember as a fan of anything else, I'm more dancing and funnier. When it comes to my guys, I'm more intense and more into it. I don't do what others do. Now when we win our first national title which I know it's coming or anything big that we do then there's a chance you will see more of that from me. That I can promise you. I'm going to wait till my chapter where I'm writing about my guys and how much that experience means to me but my point being is my guys mean more to me than sex or any relationship. Don't get me wrong, I definitely will not deny sex and when a relationship comes my way I’ am all open but if it ever comes at the cost of my guys to where it's either them or sex and my relationship with someone, I'm going to choose them first every time. I mean that a lot. That is just the law of the land with me. Anything important in regard to my life yes that also comes first cause obviously my whole world isn’t going to revolve around our relationship. Otherwise as long as she isn’t a bitch and it doesn't cost me all of my money, I'm good man.

 Before I get to relationships, I want to go in depth about sex. You probably already know the one thing i said. If you don’t think that I want a naked girl in my bed, bodies rubbing against one another. Moaning. Balls slapping against her ass or her pussy. Inside of her. Cumming sucking on those tits. Eating her ass and pussy. Licking her asshole and her pussy. Kissing. Her mouth sucking on my dick. All of the wonderful stuff that goes along with sex. You are sadly mistaken. Honestly though as well, it’s about the connection. Did some research and the fact that while most of today’s society is just about getting it in. Fucking. Sucking. Dancing. Getting fucked up. There are others. Very few where it brings people closer together. It also gives you a stress reliever. A very healthy reliever. And also, apparently it gives you great exercise. I mean Jesus though, all these beautiful women. It feels like torture that almost errrrrbody getting some but me. Oh yes you want to know what pisses me off about it, when people talk about it for their lives and how they had it and like oh how it’s the greatest fucking thing in the world. Most of my life, that’s what most of my well some of my so-called friends talked about, rubbed it in and then my other trubies, my very few trubies (True People but trubies for short) talked about it. I felt left out and I felt like a fucking loser because here I’ am listening to everybody around me talking about it and I’m just the odd man out. Not cool. Lots of things about it that torture me. I’ll tell you a quick story. So, there was this one time where my stepmoms friend Kari was over. Her and her now ex Husband Rudolph. Both very free spirited etc. So, little secret, I had a major crush on Kari. She’s very attractive. Of course, she is older than me and yes, she was married at the time. Well they came over one night for dinner. We had carbonara. All sitting at the table, talking. Telling stories. They meaning my old man, Stepmom, Kari, and Rudolph were all drinking wine. Well about 5 minutes later, Kari all of a sudden was talking about how she got caught one time showering outside completely NUDE by her neighbors. Also, about while she needs to be careful, she loves being nude. On the outside I’m cool, calm, and collected. Inside, I’m losing my fucking mind. It felt like torture. So bad to the point, I wanted to tell her that is hot. Get up, get her nude, and fuck the shit out of her and I honestly did not care who knew or was watching. That’s how bad my sexual frustration was at the time. Of course, I didn’t cause again I’m not an idiot. That would make a whole lot of problems for me and their friendship. Especially with my relationship with my stepmom being rocky, yeahhhhh don’t think so. I think I’d rather not cause extra problems than getting it in with one of the most attractive women I know. Trust me if she would’ve told me she wanted too, i would have in a heartbeat. Now if I would’ve seen her more often, I probably would not have told this story but she’s more friends with my ex stepmom than us. So now I’m more comfortable to tell that story. I did come close two other times. Once in the summer of 2016, where I went to the strip club with two former best friends one night before I left for 6 weeks. Why do I say former best friends? Well it’s a tricky subject and a very sensitive subject that happened recently. Because I don’t need any problems, there are lots of things that I can’t mention. There is how it happened and then what I feel about it today that I can say. All of which will be later on......possibly. I don’t know yet. I need to think this one through. However back to the story of now, we went to Palazios. One of the fanciest gentlemen clubs in town. One of my favorite experiences. The women there were beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. If I had more money and if I wasn’t going anywhere for 6 weeks, I probably would’ve pulled the trigger, went into the VIP room, and rocked one of those bitches’ world. Yes, I don’t have experience yet but because of my sexual frustrations, and because probably of how angry I’ am that I have yet to fulfill my needs, I would’ve rocked some bitches’ world. I wouldn’t be afraid to go for it. Now obviously unless either i had a vasectomy, or she had her tubes tied, I would’ve worn a condom or hope that she was on the pill. Maybe still would’ve worn a condom anyway. I don’t know yet. Depending on if she had a clean bill of health. Same with me. Last thing I need or she needs is an STD or an unplanned pregnancy. Otherwise I would go all in. There’s another story where I actually came really really close. So it was during my sophomore or junior year of high school. There was this girl. Her name was Crystal. She was in a grade or two lower than me. For a somewhat not bad but somewhat chunky chick, she was pretty. So there was this one night. I was staying at my grandmas. It was about a couple of months after this one time at Our local skating rink where we went into the back and she flashed me. It was hot. We weren’t in a relationship. We didn’t have sex but we were messing around a little bit. So that night a couple of months later. In January I believe. We were hanging out at her house (well trailer but you get what I’m saying.) She was living with her grandma and her brother. Her grandma was there but her brother was not. Her grandma was kind of out of it but me and Crystal we were hanging in the back room. Watching TV. All of a sudden, we talk for a few minutes and then I don’t remember how but I remember her telling me about a relationship she was about to be in but she didn’t have a lot of experience. So we ended up making out. The most we went was second base. Shirts off and she was topless. I even remember getting some hickeys on my neck but that was as far as we went because well I was young and I didn’t know as much as I do now. I mean I knew that I didn’t want to have unprotected sex with her and plus I didn’t want to risk anybody else who was in the house catching us. Especially because they knew my great Grandma Stice who happened to be the Landlord of the trailer park, they were living at. So yeah, I’ve came close but not much. My ultimate fantasy well I have two but before I do that, one thing i also forgot to add is us messing around under the covers. Fully clothed and then we are both nude when we come up. Now my two fantasies. 1. Either or meaning one of us has a long night at work. One of us is staying at the others place. One of us comes in. The other is sleeping. Happy to see each other, talk for a minute and then we are in the mood. We make out, then we get nude. Perform oral on each other. Her on me first. Me on her second. Then I come up from going down on her. I suck on her tits so aggressively like I’m really getting into it like how Kima Griggs from the Wire did with this black chick during that lesbian scene in Season 3. She’s smiling. Rubbing my head while I’m getting into sucking those tits. Then moments later. I turn her to the side, or get her on her hands and knees and I give it to her hardcore in the ass. Her boobs are bouncing around and she’s just moaning and enjoying it in the ass. Now pending on if I want to have an orgasm with her or sometimes blow a load on her tits or on her face, that’s how hard I go. Sometime ill cum in her ass. Sometimes I want to cum in her pussy and I want her to get wet and get my dick wet. And then we both feeling wet. And then others where I blow a load on her face or her tits. Either way just that thought or the thought of her hours later or days later, just thinking about the great sex we've had, or telling her girlfriends about like how she loves the mental feeling of my cum in her. Rubbing her stomach. I mean good god. I know I got a lot of work to do physically and mentally but I don’t want to be like Steve Carrell in the 40-year-old virgin. Last but not

Least I remember when I was 11 or 12, I saw my Moms friend Amy topless one time while she was changing in the bathroom. Probably the first set of boobs. I mean yes it sounds weird but I was 11 or 12. When I was just slowly coming into my own. Not as stupid and confused as I ‘am now. Plus, I mean it’s my mom’s best friend so yes, it’s weird and it’s not. It would be weird now but well yes. Plus, as I’ve gotten older and smarter while I still think she’s attractive and then some, she’s more of family but because of my sexual frustrations before she had two more kids, if she would’ve told me that she would’ve gave me the opportunity to make love to her, I would have. That’s how much my sexual frustrations get the best of me sometimes. It’s what happens when your entire life you are surrounded by most people who either brag or talk about it and how it’s the greatest thing in the world. Other times you hear it. Saying like "Oh god I want you to fuck me." "I want you to cum inside me." "When are you going to cum on my face?" Shit like that. Do you really think I want to hear that from people I know? Or just the pleasure moan? When I HAVENT HAD IT MYSELF? Fuck no. It’s probably the one thing that pisses me off. Why I’m also frustrated. Because I’m 23 about to be 24 on July 1st of 2017 and well yes, I have needs. I even remember getting turned on or frisky because of scenes I see on TV. Especially cartoon scenes such as Marge Simpson getting banged by Homer. Cartmans Mom from South Park who is a major slut getting fucked by many different men. Leela and Amy. And then the hottest one is Lois Griffin. Whether it’s with Peter or the few times she came close with Brian or with other guys like with Bill Clinton. I guess my time will come when it does I guess. Now onto the relationship part of it.

 Relationship

Now that I’ve gotten the sex part out of the way, now it’s time for the relationship part. *Sighs* This one is going be more easier and harder. It’s going to be a little bit of both. So, before I begin this part, I just want to say again that I’m on both sides of the spectrum. On one hand, I really really want and somewhat need to get laid. However, I’ve gotten that out of the way and on the other I also believe in treating a woman right. What is wrong with this world is that most of today’s society is all about fucking and getting pussy or cock. I’m not saying it’s all wrong. I mean if people just love sex and want to play the field that’s fine. Here is the issue I have before I continue. A Couple actually. Number one, everybody is like fucking everybody. Fucking for free shit. Free drinks. Fucking for favors etc. The thing that is kind of disturbing but more just stupid is when you are in a relationship. Lots of factors. If your other is cheating on you or is either a bitch or an asshole, even though I don’t endorse cheating, I guess that’s understandable. A little bit. Not much but just a little bit. Tiny tiny bit. The biggest red flag is hypocrisy, here’s why. I’ve known men and women who at one point or another are like why are all guys scumbags or why are all women sluts and bitches? Why can’t women find the right guys or vice versa? People can debate all they want and deny it. It’s the truth. Everybody will do it. Everyone has done it. I might even do it. Probably have especially when I feel I have come so close. I say all of this because I’ve known a lot of people who have done it. Fucking around behind each other’s backs. Not all but most and again I’m not the millions and millions of people. Also, yes, I do also know that there are others where the relationships are just plain and simple not healthy. Others only because of money and then there were very few that were actually real. Not all of them were fake or bad but for most of the rest there are Too many complications and too many factors to sort out. Yes, I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Yes I’ am Not the millions and millions of people. However I just base it on what I see, hear, and read. That being said, as much as sex pleases me and as much as I want to cum and fuck a bitch, the biggest frustration is not having somebody I don’t have to feel alone with. Someone I can cuddle with. Have intimate pillow talks with. Night drives. Walks around the city. If we want to have date night or go out and get fucked up together. Double dates. Nights at the park. Potential Hot tub nights. Making love on the beach. The whole nine yards. Jesus Christ must I fucking go on. Alright well then fucking A bro. It even frustrates me that guys who are in a lot worse shape than I’ am are getting decent looking women. Probably mostly because of the money factor. Three things true about this world. Money, Power, and Pussy. I’m not in the best shape but I’ am not in the worst shape either. It just doesn’t make sense. I mean another thing. I get jealous when I see people I know in relationships all cuddled up, kissing, hugging, pillow talking, etc. I mean holy fuck Nick and Morgan did that one time. Both of them snuggled up on the couch downstairs while I’m sitting in the recliner. Sleeping, and pillow talking, I’m sitting watching TV or playing a game. I don’t fucking remember. I Mean shit, just the intimacy of it. No before I continue, I’m not going to go back to online dating. First of all, we shouldn’t have to pay money to find love. Tried that once. Second, Kind of was temporarily seeing someone kind of. Then her and her ex got back together. Third, well that’s it. I Can’t even begin to try to tell you how many times I’ve tried to get noticed. Dress nice. Get in better shape. Never fucking worked. Never I tell you. Don’t believe me? Fine but that’s something I’ am not going to lie about because it is the truth. It’ s like they immediately saw something right through me. Like they saw the monster in me. It was a definite confidence booster. I mean shit, while I’m not going to be all lovey dovey and shit, I’m not a bad guy. I am not fucking rich. I don’t party every goddamn night. I’m not a scumbag who acts like he cares but then just ditches you right after I fuck you. No no no. That is not me. I’ am honest when I say 1. Brother got to get laid. Brother needs to get some pussy etc. 2. I Also want someone I can cuddle with at night. Talk about our day. Watch movies with when we just feel like having a night at home. Order takeout. Etc. The intimacy behind it. Is that wrong? Is that really wrong for me to want that? For me feeling like I’m sick and tired of having to witness something I haven’t had the experience of doing myself? Being Jealous? Thinking that my manhood is in question big time because of it? I mean come on. *Sighs* I mean it is frustrating. On one hand I think that god is making this happen for a reason. Maybe my time is coming. Someone beautiful and special is coming. Who is perfect for me? I don’t know but until it happens, I’ am always going to have questions. Really I’m just sick of being the Third wheel. That’s just the way it is i guess

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 Marisa

Chapter Song: Daughtry- Life After You

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 Let me share with Ya’ll about the story of a girl I once loved. She was from back home. Her name was Marisa. I went to school with her for about 2 years. I was a freshman and she was a Junior when we first met. At the time, she was dating one of my classmates. His name was Taylor. He was an all right guy. Haha someone who didn’t bully me in school. As time went on, the two started to separate because of their own issues. Time went on and me and her became closer. Things were good. Talked every day. Well most of the time. We both were there for each other whenever we needed each other. However, that ended up being one of my first challenging times growing up. Before I begin, I just want her to know if somehow someway she is reading this I hope she knows how proud I ‘am of her and how happy I ‘am that she found somebody who loves her for her and much love. Marisa, I also want you to know that I'm sorry for the way I acted. I know I wasn't easy to be around despite my issues and although I wish things could've gone differently, I really did enjoy all the good times we've had over the years back in the day. I'm happy for you. You deserve it. I wish you nothing but the best. Now that I got that out of the way, it was one my first ever trying times that I dealt with where I started to grow and learn more. It all started my sophomore year and her Senior year. It was right around the time of prom. She invited me to prom. It was her senior prom and it was a special time for her and I wanted to make sure it was perfect. I spent the next few weeks trying to get ready. My outfit, a corsage, flowers. Even did some extra chores around the house to get some extra money so I can pay for after prom dinner. For me and her. The day of it comes. I decided to take a nap before my mom is ready to take me out to the Lake house where everybody was meeting up at before we took off. I wake up and apparently, she had her dad call my mom. Something seemed a little fishy but of course I wasn't aware back then than I ‘am today. Looking back at it now though, it is kind of funny. Great story to laugh at. It will also be a great story to look back on and tell my kids hopefully one day in case they ever go through something like that. Any who, her dad calls our house and tells My mom that unfortunately she is sick. It was a little disappointing cause I worked very hard to make sure I got what I needed for prom night. Also, I've never gotten invited to anything like that. It was a rare occasion when I did. When my plans changed, I ended up going to Springfield to see my sister for the weekend. My mom also got me a game for my Xbox 360 because she felt bad. Once I got to Springfield, I ended up having the house to myself cause my little sister and her mom had something to do I believe. Don't really remember but I know I made a few phone calls. Again, I was stupid back then. Damn sure am not now. That's not the story. The story of when it all began was my junior year of high school. Her freshman year of college. Me and my Ex Best Friend Nick went up to Columbia for a guy’s weekend. It was about a month after I got done being ungrounded. He went up for a college visit and decided to invite me for a guy’s weekend. The first night we were there, we originally were supposed to have just a plain and simple guys night with a friend of ours Josh. However, it ended up turning into a party. Something I didn't end up doing at the time. Plus, I just got done being ungrounded. Do you really think I want to be grounded again? So, I panicked. I panicked because it wasn't my type of surrounding at the time. I didn't want my mom to find out and then I lose the only friend that I had. I didn't have a lot of options at the time so I called Marisa. Explained to her the situation. She said no worries. Just come on over here. About 20 minutes later, my friends Mackenzi and Adam took me over there. They were out and about anyways. I arrived about 10 minutes later. She lived out at the dorms near The Missouri Tigers football field (Faurot Field). I believe it was Universal Hall. I'll have to clarify that but it was one of the most beautiful parts of the entire campus. One of my favorites hands down for sure. If you see it at night, you'll see why. So back to the story, I arrive over there. Marisa was waiting outside because I believe I had to go in with someone who was living in the dorms. We go in, we go up to her dorm room. She was living with 3 others. No, you filthy animals nothing happened so before you go off saying "Ayyeeeeeee Sky got laid Holmes!!" Or shit like that, read on to the rest of the story of this. Again, this was a story about someone I once was in love with. Not about sex. She's married now to someone else who makes her happy and it's been years since this happened. Again, sorry I got off track, it's something I do in case people try to start stuff. I've done it since my high school days. I know why. I'll get into it later maybe. All right for real though back to the story. We go in and we are talking for a few minutes but more pleasant conversation. As we are on the way up, I start to panic a little more because well it's just what happens. Least in my life. Marisa asks me "What's Wrong?" I then respond, "I'll tell you once we get up to the room."  We get up to the room. It was pleasant again. We actually hung out for almost all night. Luckily it was on a weekend night and she had little to almost no homework. We laughed, had ourselves a little dance party, talked about our common love of wings, even watched one of her favorite movies She's the man. It starred Amanda Bynes. It was about how she wanted to get into a boarding school. Poses as her twin brother Sebastian (Haha he didn't exist in the movie, he was still Amanda Bynes). Had a Skype session with a friend of hers who I also knew who I later discovered was her new dude. His name was Bradley. One of the richest dudes in my hometown. I actually went to school with him too. He was actually lower than me grade wise but that is actually about as far as I'm going to get, Although I'll get into that more here shortly, not their business because what they do is their business and that is fine. So, after the Skype session, Marisa and I were sitting in the bed. Well she was laying down, and I was sitting on the end but of course I was more like not sitting as if i was going to get up. I was more relaxed where I didn't want to get up. It was about 11:30 pm almost midnight that night. We started talking. I explained to her the situation. We talked. I told her how afraid I was of my mom finding out cause I just got done being ungrounded a month earlier plus like I said at the beginning at the book, I'm proud of her now. But back then it wasn't easy living with my mom. I also told her how trapped I felt. For the first time ever, she was someone I didn't feel alone with. She put my mind at ease. I felt like I wasn't trapped. After she prayed for me (yes she was 100 percent a lover of the Lord) I admire her for that. She wasn't like a lot of other people I knew who said that one minute then went out and got fucked up and fucked. She was real. Once that was over, she told me about how Bradley was up the weekend before I was. They went out to the soccer field here on campus the weekend before. While they were playing a friendly one on one, apparently she hurt her ankle. I'm not sure how exactly. I don't remember and even if I did, again I'm not trying to say anything bad about specific people. But moments later, the most surprising thing happened, and that being she asked me for an ankle massage. She put her ankle up on a pillow on my lap and once I began to massage it. She is lying there closing her eyes. Smiling. Like she was at peace. As was I. That was the moment right there I felt for her. She wasn't someone I wanted to have sex with. She was literally someone I legitimately cared about. It was just the beginning. About a night later after I got back to Josh's house on Paquin street aka the Paq shack the night before and got into a little bit of an argument with another friend who actually happens to still to be someone I'm very close with today even though she lives in South America: Me, Nick and a few other people were out and about the night later. We went to see a movie. On our way to the movies, Nick and I were sitting in the back. I was still thinking about Marisa. So I decided to talk to Nick about it. However, the other people we were with don't necessarily know how to keep their mouth shut so I send a private message to Nick on my phone. My text I sent to him went like this "Hey can you hook me up with Marisa? I really like her. A lot." I send the message. I wait about 10 minutes until 10 minutes later, I ask Nick did he get my message? He said no. So I check my phone and guess what? I accidentally sent it to her. My God was I panicking. I was embarrassed. I was freaking the hell out. Because I didn't pay attention plus I just told the girl I loved my biggest secret ever even though I was trying to send it to Nick. The two did not really like each other. Why? Well I’ll tell more later but long story short about that, one of Marisa’s best friends was Nick's ex. That was a shit storm what happened between him and his Ex but that's their business, That's a road I'm not going to go down again. What happened between them was like a casual drama filled dilemma. They both fucked each other over as far as I'm concerned but the point being this isn't about them. This is about me and my story. So back to the story, after I sent that I was excused for a moment and her dude called me and we got into it. That was the start of a long going rivalry between me and his people which lasted about the last two years of my high school life. It also changed things between me and her. It was a constant battle I faced, I'll get to that here in a second. After that night when I sent that message, I remembered just now that we had lunch the same day before I left but It wasn't just the two of us. It was me, her, and our friends Mackenzi and Adam. Thank God they were there cause an already awkward situation could've been more awkward. I also forgot to mention that Nick took the fall for me the night that the message was sent but it didn't matter. She knew. I haven't really talked to her in years. Although I felt like there were times where she was playing me, there were times where she did care for real. I know I wasn't easy to be around, but I did the best I could. The last time we actually got along was the day of my 18th birthday. It was about a couple of weeks before I left for Austin. I was originally going to go out with Some friends. Go to the strip club, and then some. She however did not think it was a good idea and had a proposition. Instead we had a night in at her place. Played some games and then some (Again no not sex ya filthy animals). This was right after her and Bradley broke up. At first yeah it sounded like a good idea because it was the first time we started talking again. Plus believe it or not I still loved her. I wanted to be around her. It just ....how can I put this? When I was around her, I felt at peace. Even when she was not being cool and yes when I wasn't easy to be around, I was still distracted. She was the only one who was real and didn't fuck with me well there were times when I thought differently but you get the point. However I decided to go with Nick and a few other friends of ours. His girlfriend At the time Chelsea and another girl that I liked at the time Kristina. We didn't end up going to the strip club. We all went to Springfield for dinner at hooters and then we came back to Branson. Went to Kristina’s apartment for about a good while. It was good thing we all were fucked up or otherwise I would've felt left out. Long story short, ended up being a good night. After that, then we kind of went back to being on the bad side of one another. There's one thing I regret in this whole chapter. It was in 2012 about a year after I came to Austin. One day I was at the park near the capital I'm not sure how it came about but what I do know is that I regret it. I called her and I left her a very nasty voice-mail. Something that I apologized to her about in 2015 even though she had the right to not want to talk to me anymore. She accepted but then she told me where she was at in this and in her life. We haven't talked since but there are times Here and there where I do give a hey hope you’re doing well etc. Not expecting a response let me make that clear. The best one I gave was when she got married to the man of her dreams. Because at the end of the day I don't want any problems with her. I want her to be happy. I still think about it every once in a while because sometimes i wish things could've been different and handled differently on my part. I do regret some of the things I did but never ever will I apologize for the good times we've had. The laughs. The cries. The wings Mmmmmnnnn Mmmmmnnnn wings were good. Haha we used to have holidays in honor of wings. Wingmas, Wingsgiving, wingaween, wingster, haha must I go on hahaha hahaha. It was funny. Good times but most importantly I will never ever ever ever ever ever apologize for the feelings I felt for her. Yeah it drove me nuts sometimes. It drove me nuts that I did everything I could to hang on even if I did drive her away which I did a few times back then. She wasn't perfect but neither was I. However I mean what I said when back then she was one of the only few at the time who didn't bullshit me. Who made me not feel alone. I hated the way I acted even after all of this. I do miss her but honestly I'm glad it happened and I hate that it did. I hate that it did because it did give me some of my many anxieties when it comes to social life and women but I'm glad it did because like with my guys, it gave me things I needed to work on things still to this day. Wasn't easy still isn't but I'm doing it. The main thing I know is as much as I was angry back then and then some, I have no hate towards her. As long as she's ok, as long as she knows that if she ever needs anything and she decides to come to me for anything she knows I’ll be there and as long as her husband treats her well then my best place is in the shadows. Letting her do her and be her. I'm still going to continue to do me and be me. I wish some of the things didn't happened but hey it’s what happens when you are a guy who has demons while in love.