#i genuinely dont get how its arophobic

[aroaceconfessions]

cw: arophobia

had a conversation with my brother earlier today (for context he is very vaguely arophobic, hes supportive of me but I can always tell he thinks Im "missing out")

very jokingly I said "romance is overrated" he preceded to talk about how yes our society leaves no room for people that dont want romance, but for people that experience romance its every bit as wonderful as everyone makes it out to be.

he went on and on and on about how romance is this beautiful thing, how he wants to be with his partner all the time, and he is in a very wonderful relationship, Im genuinely very glad for him!!!

but I tried explain that well yes all of those things sound wonderful, I get that same amount of joy being around people I love platonically!! he responded by saying "thats not the same"

and I dont know why but that sorta crushed me? romantic attraction is put on a pedestal above all other forms of attraction. its treated as better, or in some way "stronger". its seen by most as what makes us human, its separated from other version of love as the best one.

so hearing someone say that so plainly, hurt.

Submitted March 14, 2023

[faemen]

i get that u think u're anti romantic or whatever but u're not allowed to talk about us normal peoples love ok? that doesnt even make sense. i love my bf above all else and just bc ure sad and lonely since nobody loves U doesnt mean u get to take it out on us by telling ur happy friends in happy relationships that they should care about you more since u dont even have a gf, twink. they dont have to give u attention just bc ur pathetic, my bf makes me spend all day with him 💅💋💖

"so like whos the therapist now hm? me or u?"

...is probably what youre thinking. and honestly idk how to comfort people but i am SO sorry for your loss. i know, i know, its difficult being brought to the reality that even once youre in a relationship, everything isnt perfect. im here vibing on my aromantic ass, laughing about how people like you think youre more experienced when youre literally the target of my post.

i wont take this as anon hate, bc i genuinely feel bad for you, youre in so deep. and altho this isnt my place to say, you ARE on MY blog, anon...

,,,your bf making you spend ALL DAY with him isnt.. romantic, thats toxic. you, the person who seems to be pretty arophobic tbh, still deserve to spend time with your friends and your own hobby. despite what people think, your s/o isnt everything and youre still your own person.

anyways, are you really going to sit here and tell me that you dont care about your friends? that they didnt support you before you got a partner? that you genuinely didnt have fun with them or miss them now? if yeah, im so sorry you dont have any friends either. youre the lonely one here who was actually the one who was so pathetic you obsessed over your romantic relationship instead of enjoying it and those who care about you.

why are you even defending yourself? i never said anything to you. that shows that you know, deep down, that this isnt nearly as great as you hoped itd be. im sorry that your problems still exist but romance genuinely doesnt fix everything.

also that one bit is funny. im on the arospectrum and pretty dang gay. get a gf yourself,,,,,, and TWINK why is everyone obsessed with calling me that HFHDHFJFJG

have a nice day anon!! wishing all the best and that you come to your senses soon :)) take some real life action, maybe? instead of yelling at me on tumblr dot com for no crimes other than being just so dang right all the time?

[a-spec-community-issues]

Hey, I'm an ace person, and pretty romantic. I've been actively learning more about aros after not understanding at all for ages and just never ever talking about it because it was awkward and I knew nothing. Now, because I think my queerplatonic partner miggght be aro, I want to really know it and be a great ally, even if they aren't. My issue is that I'm not sure what counts as arophobia. I know the really obvious stuff, but like what's the more small and insidious stuff to watch out for?

Arophobia By My Aro Friend!

“a lot of arophobia is subtle

things that at first you night not even bat an eye at. since i dont know specifically what it is the anon already knows, ill just go down a laundry list. another thing to note is that not a whole lot of arophobia is explicit, or even intentional. someone may say something arophobic without even knowing aromanticism exists. im of the opinion that bigotry can be accidental.

an obvious one would be dehumanisation. The obvious "we can still love!" And "love is what makes us human!" Are common examples. but smaller ones like implying life can't be fullfilling without a partner, or that love is inevitable, and to a degree concepts like soulmates can be hurtful to aros. and expecting everyone to want such things is hurtful. the idea that casual sex is bad is also one that hurts aros- most of all non-ace, and especially alloaros (like myself). there seems to be this idea some people have, ive noticed, that romance = consent. which is hurtful not only because sex outside of romance can be consensual, but also cause it implies that those who are romantically involved will always consent, but that's a tangent i dont have time for right now. acknowledging that romance isn't a prerequisite for happiness for everyone, in general, is a good way to be supportive of aros.

a less obvious example of arophobia is erasure.

and this partially ties into one of the things ive mentioned just a bit earlier, but we'll get to that. erasure comes in many forms. obviously there's just,,, ignoring and not listening to aros. but there's a bit more to it than that, and this is a point i find very interesting considering how prevalent it is in aspec communities. It sounds simple enough to say "acknowledging that aromanticism and asexuality are different is a good thing", but that means a lot of things. it means not using asexual as an umbrella term for the whole aspec community. it means not thinking of aromanticism as a subdivision of asexuality. it means genuinely considering it as its own standalone identity that can exist apart and separately from asexuality. it means not putting content exclusively about asexuality in aromantic tags, and it means not tagging content exclusively about aromanticism with ace tags. acknowledging that they are not one and the same. however this also means avoiding misplaced division. it means acknowledging that we share terminology. it means not writing "arophobia/aphobia" or "arospec/aspec", which excludes us from our own communities. cause aphobia means both arophobia and acephobia, and aspec means both arospec and acespec. you can see how writing aromanticism separatlye from the rest of the aspec community alienates us. acknowledging that aromanticism and asexuality are separate is good

and this partially ties into one of the things ive mentioned just a bit earlier, but we'll get to that. erasure comes in many forms. obviously there's just,,, ignoring and not listening to aros. but there's a bit more to it than that, and this is a point i find very interesting considering how prevalent it is in aspec communities. It sounds simple enough to say "acknowledging that aromanticism and asexuality are different is a good thing", but that means a lot of things. it means not using asexual as an umbrella term for the whole aspec community. it means not thinking of aromanticism as a subdivision of asexuality. it means genuinely considering it as its own standalone identity that can exist apart and separately from asexuality. it means not putting content exclusively about asexuality in aromantic tags, and it means not tagging content exclusively about aromanticism with ace tags. acknowledging that they are not one and the same. however this also means avoiding misplaced division. it means acknowledging that we share terminology. it means not writing "arophobia/aphobia" or "arospec/aspec", which excludes us from our own communities. cause aphobia means both arophobia and acephobia, and aspec means both arospec and acespec. you can see how writing aromanticism separatlye from the rest of the aspec community alienates us. acknowledging that aromanticism and asexuality are separate is good.”

To add onto this, not everything about soulmates- like how soulmates can be friends or the idea that soulmates aren’t just romantic are nice- and some Aros like it. Sometimes Aros are so romance-repulsed and wouldn’t consider QPRs dating and others call it dating. Viewing QPRs as Romantic can make an aro uncomfortable or comparing it to romance.

And shitty formatting is Tumblrs issue, but arophobia from the Ace-Spec community is often as my friend said, Erasure. And I spent like three days wondering how to rewrite this and decided I wouldn’t. This works out for it.

If anyone has anything to add on, reblog the post.

- Mod D

(This ask is old, figured it was necessary to post though.)