#i feel. very called out by many of siffrin’s problems

[yrlocalghost]

i finished isat

[auncyen]

(I added Bonnie into the draft in a slightly earlier paragraph lol have surprise preteen)

"We're having the feelings talk now, right?" Bonnie asks, finally breaking their stare to look around the table at the others.

"Weeeell, we don't have to get into it right away!" Isa says, looking between you and Bonnie.

"But we will get into it," Mirabelle says. Odile nods.

"...Yeah, we should. But first!" Isabeau says, and you hope whatever he has to say takes a half hour, never mind that he's never been longwinded. "Um. It's a little embarrassing, but yesterday made me realize I just need to go ahead and ask! ...Would anyone like to keep traveling together after we get Bonbon to their sister?"

...!

Oh!

OH!!! This isn't bad at all! It's wonderful!

You nod as soon as you recover from the happy surprise. More time with Isa is something you'd never turn down.

"That sounds great, Isabeau!" Mira says, smiling. "I'd love to!"

"I'd like that as well," Odile says.

"Yeah!" Bonnie's arms fly up into the air. "ROAD TRIP!!"

There's a pause. "Bonbon, I do want you to come with if it's okay with your sister!" Isa says, raising his hands. "But if it's not, well..."

"If it's not, then it becomes something called 'kidnapping'," Odile says, setting her book aside to look at Bonnie.

They hmph, folding their arms. "That won't be a problem at all! Nille's always wanted to travel, so she'll definitely say yes!"

"We'll have to ask!" Mira says cheerfully. "Where were you thinking of going, Isabeau?"

Isa shrugs. "Just, around! There are a few places that might be cool to see, but I don't have a particular destination in mind. As long as I send messages for my family, I don't have to go back to Jouvente. Not right away, anyway. So I'd like to spend more time with you all!"

"We'll discuss the itinerary of our new journey as we go, I suppose," Odile says. Next to her, Bonnie mumbles 'eye-tinry', testing the word out. "Itinerary, Boniface. Five syllables. I have to return to Ka Bue at some point, but when I return is...very flexible." She looks at you.

Everyone is looking at you again?? No, okay, Bonnie is looking down and muttering about five syllables being too many, but all the adults are looking at you. "I'm a traveler??? I don't mind how long we might travel for." You want it to be forever. "Traveling is in my blood!"

Odile gives the softest sigh, and Mirabelle's fingers fidget with each other. ...Have you made that joke before? You might've made that joke before.

"Since this is a feelings talk, maybe I should talk about how I feel," Mirabelle says, which, sure! You're happy to hear Mira out, so you give her your full attention. She has a somber expression as she gazes back at you. "And...I feel kind of guilty? I feel like I've misjudged you a lot, Siffrin, and maybe didn't pay enough attention to you and your feelings."

What. "You don't have to pay me attention, though?"

Your careless response sparks a dazzling constellation of unhappy faces. Isabeau's eyebrows hitch up while Odile narrows her eyes. Mirabelle's face is painted with wide-eyed dismay while Bonnie's screws up like you're more baffling than 'itinerary'. Everyone's frowning.

Wrong thing to say, dummy! You made it sound like Mira's callous and you just didn't mind! That's not it!! You're just happy to stay on the side of the stage, behind the curtain. You don't like having all eyes on you.

(Then people notice what's wrong.)

"I mean!! It's understandable if you didn't?? You were saving your country!" You scramble to salvage the situation.

"Well...okay, even if I agreed with that reasoning, which I don't," Mirabelle says, "Vaugarde's saved now, so I can pay more attention to my friends."

Oh! Mira thinks of you as a friend! You smile.

Mira smiles too, but it's a little sad. "Siffrin, when we were talking about what we'd do after the King, you...you didn't give me a very serious answer. And I thought maybe you were poking fun at me wanting to go on a pilgrimage and Change."

You wince. You're bad at talking to Mira, aren't you?

"But then you were crying at the party--crying because you thought we were splitting up soon--and I realized maybe you'd joked because...because it hurt to consider seriously?" Her eyes have you pinned with their earnestness. "Siffrin, you're my friend, and you've done so much for me and everyone, and I don't even know if you're traveling because you want to or--or if you have to? And that's very worrying."

"You wanted to know my plans for the future, too," Odile speaks up. "And you didn't have a serious answer for me either."

"Yeah!" Bonnie yells. "What was up with that?"

You duck your head down, wishing you weren't having this talk so early. You've only been in the clocktower, so you don't have your cloak or hat on, and you feel very exposed right now.

"...Sif, it's okay," Isabeau says. "You wanted to keep traveling with us and didn't know how to ask, right? We're all guilty on that one."

"Not me," Bonnie says smugly, getting a wry smile from Odile and a more sheepish one from Mirabelle.

"Not Bonbon," Isabeau concedes. "So it's good they helped us figure out we want to travel together longer. But...we probably will stop traveling, one day."

"I won't cry," you say quickly. "Next time."

"You can! I probably will," Isa replies. "Because even if we stop traveling together, we're like a family, you know?"

A...family? Your heart flutters at the thought--and then it drops.

Because Isa's wrong. He's assuming way too much. Bonnie already has their family, and maybe you're friends with Mirabelle but you're so bad at talking with her she can't possibly consider you family, and Odile's... already made it clear how she feels.

"No? You don't agree?" Isa asks, reading your expression. Stars, you wish you had your hat right now. You want him to be right! You want it to be true! But...

"We're not even all friends," you mutter, and he looks surprised--did he forget?? You're supposed to be the forgetful one! "Don't you remember? Odile said we weren't friends, we're allies at best!"

Odile looks more surprised than you expected when you glance at her--she even looks confused. Did she forget too???

And then, with a flash of surprise, her expression switches to annoyance and aggravation. "Siffrin, I was joking."

"...Oh." This time you want to slide under the table and never emerge.

-

I HAVE NOT MANAGED TO MAKE THIS TALK GO THE WAY I WANTED IT TO AT ALL I keep planning for Odile and/or Isabeau to guess at Siffrin being from INOV (because I think the events of this story give them JUST enough setup to figure it out--Siffrin recounting the only story they've ever told of their home to then have their worst memory lapse ever, them talking about the island's disappearance in the library, Euphrasie hinting about a Craft that two people who like studying and know a good bit about Craft have NEVER heard of and yet Siffrin knows without actually knowing, what's up with that, Siffrin having a crying jag that makes the adults worried if he has a home to go back to--I think there's just enough setup for both of them to be like 'where is he FROM, why can't I think of even a possible place.....................oh. oh no') but. idk it's not going that way so far.

You wake up, still feeling the aches and sores of yesterday. You fought the King yesterday, you remember. You won, you remember. The House was so animated, the party so lively, everyone so effusive with their thanks that it was rather overwhelming.

Your friends are staying together, you remember--

No, wait. Your allies. And you have to have a feelings talk because of your outburst.

...But, well, that's fine, you decide after getting changed back into your dayclothes and cloak, smoothing the fabric down with your hand.

Stars, you must have been really tired last night. You were dreading this feelings talk so much, but it's like Isabeau said! Not a big deal at all!

You just have to reassure them that this was a one-off. You were very tired from going through the House and fighting the King. That could be a good excuse. ...No, it's not. Bonnie's a child and even they didn't come close to having a meltdown like that.

Maybe...you could tell them the truth. You want to stay with them. You got scared of having to be alone again so abruptly.

You can see Odile frowning in your mind's eye. You're being unreasonable, she says. We can't spend our entire lives traveling together; we're going to separate someday. Are you going to pitch a fit then, too?

No, no, of course not. You lo--you like your allies a normal amount, and you'll be fine on your own because you always were before so it's stupid to be scared of that, and you have got to think of a better excuse for your behavior yesterday. You hope you can put off this feelings talk as long as possible.

Unfortunately, how it actually pans out is that Bonnie lays out a yummy breakfast that's both leftovers they got to take home from the party, some of the bread soaked in egg custard for delicious pain perdu, and fresh fruit. You let yourself eat quite a bit, though your appetite seems to have calmed down a bit from a day and a half ago, when your big appetite grew ravenous enough to surprise Odile all over again. You were pretty hungry all through the House too, actually. Probably nerves from getting ready to face the King? And you were working hard. Today, even though you're not eating quite as much, the filling breakfast makes it tempting to go back to sleep. You don't, but you're not really thinking much at all, just a lump in your chair, when you suddenly register Isa sitting back down at the table and looking right at you. He smiles when he realizes you're paying attention, but there's also a seriousness in his face, some nervous energy to his smile. Odile has her face in her book, but you catch her glancing at you. Mirabelle looks determined.

...You're having the feelings talk now, aren't you?