#i feel too old to fangirl but i don’t care lol

[jenniferstit]

one look, give 'em whiplash ! pac

what is it about YOU that breaks necks?

one:

whoa! ok so there are a lotttt of baddies in this group, imma just call it like i see it. what is it about you that breaks necks? everything b*tch lol. i see people obsessively watching you both in real life & in social media. i got a flash of the whiplash mv where ningning is strutting outside in her baddie outfit and sunglasses… that’s how people view you. with the sunglasses confirming the devil energy here, i’m picking up on stalker energy, very secretive. these people don’t want you to catch them watching, yet they cannot look away. you look completely unapproachable, and it’s not even just how you look: it’s your energy. pile one, your energy is unapproachable. you are highly desired, dreamboy/dreamgirl energy, but these admirers dare not approach, bc they know they do not compare. people KNOW that you will be able to see right through them, so if they are not genuinely confident, there’s no reason to try to fake it with you. you make people feel like fangirls. you literally glow SO bright, pile one. you may have a bright golden (yellow/orange) aura… i see that twice in this spread. people can quite literally see your angelic, golden light and it freaks them out! strong solar plexus energy. admirers are overwhelmed with your radiance… wow. your eyes transport people to another realm, no matter the shape or color. you have an electric stare… picking up on pluto energy/strong pluto. looking into your eyes triggers people to have past life awakenings, no joke. you may have to learn to limit your eye contact with people (i do this personally), for fear that people will latch onto your energy obsessively. aura points over 9000 lol, but seriously… your aura is incredibly calming & reassuring, so be careful. people see you as genuinely too good to be true. a true fantasy. there’s also something about a friend group being highlighted. if you have a solid friend group, you and your friends are all unapproachable, and the energy exchange between you all (esp publicly) is incredible. are you secretly in a coven? lol.

extras: 11, 1111, 111111, strong cancer, sagittarius placements. 11H in cancer/sag. strong pluto. electric stare, solar plexus energy, heart chakra activation, strong 11th house, golden aura, psychic seeing, strong sight, & past life activation.

two:

right off the bat, the energy here feels very sultry. i’m picking up on more of a romantic, sad girl, lana del rey kinda vibe. if that’s not who you are internally, than that is how other people see you. you give off a heartbroken vibe. others may ask if you’re tired or exhausted when you’re totally fine lol. OR it’s that you genuinely are exhausted when it comes to matters of the heart… you may feel emotionally drained and others can pick up on that. despite that, you do have this regal authority. you’ve been through a lot therefore you crave peace. people see you as highly selective with whom you entertain. people see you as someone who does not play. you seem like you mean business and are quickly onto the next thing. you may even come across like you have somewhere important to be. there’s something about movement here… the way you move. are you a dancer? do you travel? your energy feels very mature. you are an old soul with many previous incarnations. people may meet you and recognize your energy signature from an ancient incarnation. do people tell you that you look familiar? or that you remind them of someone they know? you shine, pile two. people idealize about what it would be like to be in a relationship with you. i’m also getting something about people enjoying watching you sleep? LOL. maybe while traveling? (i’ve actually caught a flight attendant watching me sleep). admirers want to know what it’s like to sleep next to you… again, this vibe is very romantic. you have an air of grace around you. people can tell you carry a spiritual momentum. you may even have protective guides / angels / passed on loved ones who are always attached to your energy field. people can sense that. your energy pulls people in. people can tell your purpose in this lifetime is grand, and they want to be a part of it. people admire the stability you carry & may even want to possess it for themselves… there’s something about ownership coming through. you are a treasure. people think you would be the trophy in the relationship. physically, i’m seeing very radiant tan to deep brown skin that is very noticeable to others. jewelry & piercings are also coming through. if you wear headscarves or head accessories, people love that about you. teacher energy, people want to learn from you.

extras: 7H in aries/leo/sag. strong north node, strong 2H. 2H in taurus/virgo/capricorn. grace/being graceful, gold jewelry, blue hair, access to akashic records, esoteric knowledge, invitations, spirit orbs/light orbs, & grand trine.

three:

what about you breaks necks pile three? your potential. people see you as someone who could do anything they want to do. people might even see you as someone who is overwhelmed by your own potential, so you stay trapped in your routines. you have a LOT of resources to share with others: love, energy, abundance, wisdom, etc. the energy here is very similar to pile two in that sense… there is a teacher-like wisdom present. however, people may understand that your belief system about relationships is different than others. you give yourself everything that you need and do not rely on relationships with others the way most people do. relationships for you are like dessert: fun but not always necessary. you have the ability to provoke, heal, and transform others, but you choose not to do so. you only engage with others this way when you hear the call. i’m picking up on a lot of projectors here (human design). projectors rely on invitations in order to engage with others, otherwise their energy will be met with anger, disgust, jealousy, & a general lack of understanding. your past experiences with others have now caused you to be extremely selective, as you should be. there is an energy of self-mastery here. you see more than others will ever understand. you have successfully developed and balanced both divine masculine and feminine energies within yourself. you give off an energy of completion. i’m feeling like you’ve closed dozens of karmic cycles. you are far beyond your age group. you are beyond even people twice your age spiritually/karmically. true independence. you may feel like people don’t like this about you, but there is an audience for you somewhere out there. you engage the world around you with an authenticity that you rarely ever see in others. unicorn energy. some of you may identify with having been on a twin flame journey. i have my own thoughts of TFs but in general, the only goal of a TF journey is to balance the masculine & feminine energies within a single soul… that is it. this group is filled with souls who have experienced MANY trials in this lifetime in order to align the energies necessary to fulfill your individual life paths. this is a very very unique pile. sages, healers, spiritualists. you are meant to operate less on an individual level, and more on a wide-scale, even global level. share your wisdom!

extras: feline energy, DNA activation, past life activation, strong mars, mercury, venus & pisces. telepathic message, clairvoyance, ascension, celebrity, 333, 3333, & 345.

☆ more readings on tiktok ★

[ifyougiveuptoday]

25 blade

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

First impression— I was maybe 12 when I first saw PFAR, so I don’t exactly remember what I thought because I’ve pushed those years out of my head LOL. I do know I had the fangirl instinct of treating him as my poor little meowmeow princess. And of course, I thought he was cool as hell. That’s a little hard not to think about Blade.

I think ironically, despite the poor little meowmeowing, I took him a little too seriously— he can experience emotions other than sadness and grumpiness, Actually. Ed Harris describes him in this interview as a nice guy— he just really cares about the safety of his team and the park and doesn’t put up with nonsense. I also think that Hollywood glam never really disappeared from him— he’s doing tricks when we’re introduced to him, for what reason? In a real world sense, it adds visual interest to the animated movie that is intended to say Firefighters Are Cool by showing Firefighters Being Cool. In universe? He knows he’s cool. He’s having fun. I feel like historically I always loved Maru a little bit more? It’s hard for me to pin down how I felt during the years that I functionally don’t remember and I’m not sure I want to dig through old messages LOL. I have a lot of fun picking apart Blade and his psyche nowadays, though. He’s had time to heal. Not perfectly, but he has good people that love him that he’ll fight tooth and lugnut for back. He’s a good man.

[bitter-sweet-coffee]

share with me one espave song on the espave playlist and tell me why its on the espave playlist. also it has to be one you havent already told me about so no biohazard eurovision songs :3

OKAY I AM ALSO EXCLUDING PTV SONGS BECAUSE. WELL. I TALKED ABOUT FLORAL & FADING ENOUGH. OKAY SO

(included both links for the non-spotifiers)

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ANCIENT BSC LORE SO IF IT FEELS OUT OF PLACE THAT IS WHY, I RETCONNED IT LIKE A DECADE AGO LOLOLOL

so, originally, there was like, a sonic&co party. it was around 06, hence the rogues being present. anyways, wave had this thing where she said she refused to dance with anyone shorter than her (she’s 3’7 and therefore taller than most of the cast LOL)

vector big and storm are like “are we a joke to you” to which she adds the clause “i also don’t want people stepping on my feet, you assholes are too clumsy”

SO. this rules out everyone but espio, who is the exact same height as her >:)

jet and amy (who are besties) have the idea to like. make this happen. wave LOVES this song so jet knowingly queues it which earns a deathglare, but practically forces her to go ask espio if he’ll dance with her (he’s just been chilling at a table with rouge and shadow)

anyways. amy shoves her in his direction so she’s all 🧍‍♀️and he’s all 🪑🧍‍♂️

and she’s like. “hi. so as you know, i’m not dancing with idiots or short people. but you’re fine i guess. do you want to dance?” (internally screaming and trying not to crumble or do something really vulnerable such as seem like she cares or wants to socialize)

espio, not even sensing any layers here, just answering point blank: yeah sure that sounds fun

SO WAVE IS LIKE INTERNALLY DYING AND ESPIO IS LIKE. JUST A GUY. ANYWAYS.

(btw at this point i want to clarify it’s not like wave has a crush on him and is fangirling, she just doesn’t know how to make friends and hates seeming vulnerable or emotionally expressive. so like, requesting to dance with espio opens her up to potential rejection which she’d kill herself over because god the embarrassment right?)

okay so THEN they start dancing and it’s silly and fun and wave is like “ruh roh raggy” internally because a) this is fun(???) and b) espio has a nice laugh she didn’t think he was this chill oh boy oh golly awe shucks etc

and espio is like. wow. i was just vibing and a pretty girl comes up to me and asks me to dance with her. rizz? WAIT A SECOND, THEYRE THE SAME HEIGHT? AND SHE KNEW THIS BEFOREHAND SOMEHOW??? HMM. HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

so then they continue dancing etc they talk they bond etc this is for the rest of the party…

…and before they part ways espio is like. “hey. for the record, if you were so adamant about not wanting to socialize with anyone here, including me, you would have worn heels.”

wave caught in 4k. AND SCENE

tldr: i love them very much so despite this being old lore, i treasure it via music :)

[x1e3ju]

sigh.

i realize i dont rant here enough like as much as i should. i should be drawing and not spending time being a fucking idiot ranting on TUMBLR at 2 am but shuake is just too serious for me

CUZ yall don’t understand my level of. crazy. my level of insane my level of obsession its been like 7 months of just straight up fixation and i always find the same things to feel the new feeling of love again for them. saw someone talking about their short film like a little summary on what its abt and the inspiration, a little love letter to their lover of sorts saying how the film is abt genuinely loving someone who is good to you for the first time, “This was the first time I would say "I love you" to someone, and it not come from a place of fear or a toxic one. This film is a celebration of vulnerability, and letting pure, secure love in without the constant impulse to self sabotage” I’ll quote and bc i cant think of love without immediately thinking of shuake (its a genuine problem lmao😭), i HAD to just think about them and yk what. idegaf their love is so beautiful to me. i think the idea of akechi having bpd and the same mental issues and disorders as me finding love in someone who is also very similar to him in some sense, like them both being autistic and such, just really speaks a lot to me.

im definitely not an opposites attract person, although they technically WOULD be opposites i think the whole troupe of “enemies” to lovers is the fact that they arent really enemies and actually have a lot more in common than first thought, at least when done well anyway so to me, they aren’t opposites when it comes to like. the things that matter like personality and the things that make people connect and become closer like the things u cant control ig lol but anywho, bc i hc (its basically canon) akechi having bpd i think thats why it means SO MUCH more to me and i love his character sm. he’s not my favorite, but bc that’s the first time i see a character like that be represented with something so similar to me and not be treated like a villain or just be really extreme like akechi is definitely. well. extreme but he’s not like, let’s say, like yuri level from ddlc like i wouldnt even consider that bpd she just straight up crazy😭 like idk, i just really relate to akechi so i really see him having bpd and bc ive always felt soo left out bc of my bpd even in spaces you would THINK would be safer, i always feel singled out somehow and although i still dont really know why, ig i see myself in akechi a lot and even akira too so the idea that parts of me could find that love and care like the fact that parts of me could find other parts of me, ig im not broken lmao like its all a little puzzle :)

okkk lore drop🔥🔥 got so hashtag emo there BUT that meant something i promise!!! that whole idea of feeling like ur missing something or theres just something wrong with u or ur unloveable or whatever, the idea that akechi felt that and FOUND it in akira makes my heart melt like a fucking fangirl i hate everything. i always think abt shuake and their love bc people always say how they are so toxic blah blah blah, and yk what, lemme not lie, that’s probably the truth! but i cant see them being soo toxic like that especially with how young they are like akechi was like. a few months of just turning 18, akira was 17 like they arent full grown adults even tho akechi was definitely aware enough to know what he was doing was wrong (even at 15 or however old he was when first helping shido i would say), you wouldnt understand the FULL severity of it like its a lot to explain but HOPEFULLY i make sense lol😭😭 and i think just being so young and growing through so much like im already. off. and i dont even live a life CLOSE to that EVER like of course he’s gonna be a little. off his rockets🤩 i mean what did yall expect😭 i keep using this phrase but yea!! so the idea of him meeting akira and finally being able to feel that youth and enjoy parts of life that typically teenagers get to live is si sweet to me.

mind u, im not saying that him living that “teenage life” is the way it HAS to be lived bc i think my life is better without those things as a teen myself and its most definitely not necessary but to me, akechi is just like. a very much stan twitter gay guy😭 he has his little bit of nerd (WHICH I LOVE^_^) but like anyone, of course he would want and need that friendship, that connection. do i believe he wouldn’t really care abt friends and shit? yea bc look, i dont really care for that myself but i wont lie to you and tell u i would love just ONE good connection in my life like yk, a friend i actually want but im not gonna be all friendless here so back to akechi!😊 he’s just very normal high schooler to me, ONE THING I LOVE ABT HIM AND SUMI ACTUALLY. i feel like with sumi, because ae doesn’t know like anything abt akechi’s past and what’s he’s done and stuff i feel like akechi just gets to live a “regular high schooler life” with sumi, yk? like everytime akechi and sumi would hang out (i like to believe they would hang out pre royal idgaf🥱) and akechi would complain or talk akira, sumi would just think “ah he’s on his crush thing again” like ae has NO CLUE he’s gonna shoot him in the head and yk what. that connection definitely means something bc that would be the first person akechi has ever met his age who ISNT involved in his “work life”?? like isn’t involved in his cases and shit like. a genuine healthy friendship🤯🤯🤯 and thats ANOTHWR reason i love sumigoro (make fun of me all u want but i seriously do not. gaf😜😝) bc i think akechi would really go and mess that up, he’d be like “wait. do i actually like sumi” all bc of the fact that they have a good connection and akechi isnt used to that

WHICH brings me to what i was GOING TO bring up (sorry for the crazy detour) but YEA, the whole idea of having a love and always feeling the need to self sabotage reminds me smm of shuake. akechi going and ruining their connection even though there was definitely ways he could’ve gone abt killing shido…. with the phantom thieves’ health possibly👀👀???? i feel like that was the prime explain of self sabotage, guilt and the fact that he wasnt even actually processing what he did and HAS done. like that one scene after 11/20 where he’s in the studio filming and their asking him abt the pts and he gets slient and thinks abt some shit like abt the pts and sorta feels guilty (idk if thats the undesirable child scene i think it is but im not sure lol) but yeah that, that is the PRIME explain of processing and guilt. after killing people and doing all that shit for so long i think that was the first time it actually hit him like “oh shit wait. i’ll never see these people again” like the idea that it hit so close to home, these were kids HIS age, even younger too and.. what EYE like to believe, people he thought probably deserved more life than even himself (like the after thought of it) bc u cannot convince me he really sent his ass over to shido’s palace just to tell joker some shit like girl. and getting himself killed too like naww that’s embarrassing as shit😭😭 like ik thats talked abt and thats what the whole scene is abt but like. EXACTLY he felt guilt for his actions and felt he needed to atone!! HE HADNT REALLT PROCESSED ANYTHING IF HE WAS FEELING THAT NOWW ofc he was going to get innocent people killed like. YEA😭😭 but he’s a fucking kid like what did u expect him to do, even if i had that power even with the current knowledge i have☝️🤓 i wouldnt even realize wtf im doing like yk ur doing something bad, but as a smart kid too.. its all abt competition lol, but in all seriousness tho and they show that in the game

ok sorry got off track again but yea, self sabotaging his love with akira all for the competition of it all, clearly i will never just flow into it naturally so ill state it plainly, self sabotaging his love and overall genuine connection with akira bc thats all he was ever thought to do, from his own mother and obviously, his own father. had to sabotage the love he had for his mother bc well. she ended up kwording herself😭😭 and had to sabotage the love for his father (which didnt exist to me idc) bc he had to kill him, i mean. he was awful😭😭 so having that constant battle between that, thats one thing i LOVE like ADORE ABOUT SHUAKE i love the idea that they could be vulnerable with each other i also love akira and his personality cuz he compliments akechi so well in SO MANY WAYS whoever wrote and made their characters and storylines personally ate with their yaoi deliverance😍😍 LMAO that was a joke but honestly. gave us such a good ship TY🙏 atlus at least for SOMETHING ur good at like like the thing i quoted said, THE WAY THAT IF ATLUS WOULDVE GAVE US AN I LOVE YOU BETWEEN THEM. aside from the fact i would’ve killed myself and died and then fell off a cliff and then kill myself again and killed myself a 3rd time just to make sure i also would’ve cried SO BAD, ik thats asking for WAYY TOO MUCHH but let a girl dream smh like IT WOULDVE MESNT SO MUCH AND HAD SM WEIGHT, it truly would’ve been akechi’s first ily that would’ve came from a genuine good place or would’ve been the first ily he ever heard that didnt try to manipulate or gain smth out of him!! which is. BEAUTIFUL ALL WAYS U LOOK AT IT like they definitely had their ups and downs (shuake i mesn) but the fact akira still wouldve loved him and seen him through everything is just so. something abt the unstable and the unstable but a little more stable dynamic😍😍 but seriously tho lol, i love their connection. again, it just speaks a lot to me SO PERSONALLY i hate everything

one thing i love abt royal is how we got to see akechi’s character a bit, i do like the royal writing a lot for this reason, some parts felt like aww yk lol and kinda reminiscent to the beginning of the game which felt a lot more genuine even tho royal’s writing felt more fanservicey, it had SOME sense of like, ok the characters arent written toooo bad here like the middle of persona so i appreciated it and u can tell atlus put a lot more work on the royal trio scenes (the fanservice was crazy in that part😭) so i also loved that too lol bc again, we got to see akechi’s character and the effect joker had on him and how like. less of an asshole he was like i wish we could’ve seen just a BIT more of him. again again i just LOVE dynamics like shuake and seeing characters grow and shit and shuake just does it so well UGH i hate them😭😭

[musiesmusic]

Brahman and LilDarkie’s departure from the idea of “LilDarkie” with a close look at the idea of “are you ready?”

Mixing rap and rock is a very very fun idea for me and it hits the spot CORPSE does without the gamer LED setup and his little cat ears. This is more of sound analysis without that much parsing through lyrics. I think with his recent releases of songs like “banana pie” he's going for more heartfelt angst with the tonal tag of a three wolves howling at the moon, coming from a 2020 perspective, in the same way CORPSE does it, and CORPSE is the sex icon of our generation for it. And honestly CORPSE is both underrated and overrated with people missing the absolute gem of “fuK u lol” and how it really encapsulates the idea of his spotify picture, it really is a “fuK u lol.” Very y2k without the tiktok.

I love how this genre of edgy boy music can be summed up in animated music videos. Being able to be actually soulful with an understanding of what the aesthetic is and how that plays into music. What “LilDarkie” now “Brahman” has over CORPSE is having more grit and less anime (which is ironic since I tend to prefer grit but love the anime music videos after y2k and I’m an ironic baddie). But said grit can lead to the stranger sounds of his guitar soul music Brahman now makes. Looking at his instagram Brahman is genuinely doing a full 180 from his previous persona dropping most of his trademarks to focus on his Indian blood heritage. Also as a tidbit on his insta he's seen doing a lot of wellness therapy which I find pleasing, self care seems to be much needed and I’d like to think it plays into the irony of HOLOCAUST without mentioning Hitler a single time.

His “big announcement” of who he is now and how he still has the “idea of LilDarkie” is in “are you ready?” which is very funny considering how it starts w/ “hahaha” and how it goes right into a CORPSE guitar solo which honestly is one of the freshest takes in current music and will be remembered fondly being put right in the niche where older music is just passing from cringe and into retro, where y2k music (like rave girl just not as universal) is going to come back into mainstream through it being paved in by CORPSE (please make more music we need you). But considering its LilDarkie I don’t think he’d give a single shit since he’s the man who made HOLOCAUST. My giddy around this new song is how it feels like hes stomp kicking his old fans who crowded around his persona of “HOLOCAUST” and “GENOCIDE” even with them being amazing songs which can be fun to critique on a social standing, to be done at a later date. What I hope is bringing back the skype days of the y2k genre, less glitz and glam and more of skype and anime posting with the same full-heartendess of a furry. If you were online in the early days you know what I’m talking about, it's My Immortal done right. 

It feels like his newer stuff on Brahman can be seen as more “hidey” with his song “reminding” being a soulful guitar solo which he known to make. I find that fascinating and what has changed in him. Listening to his newest if not last album under the persona of Lil Darkie is just a social critique of society in general with the line “did the FBI calcify your third eye?” being the perfect line for his album with the context of “hehe funny hat.” He now has my soul and being with HUMANS AND MONSTERS being his best song of all time please devour me along with the earth and your Little Darkie realness. Also Lil Darkie flexing his platinum plaque is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen and all I do is squeal like a tumlbrina fangirl begging more more HOLOCAUST with a PC culture layover. 

But considering the social critique his latest came off as I can fully see how he started to transition to a more soulful sound as a palette cleanser since he too, is a human being. Also consider his last song on this banger of an album is “it never gets better”

Glad youre in therapy Brahman, may you spend your time wisely soulfully and really tune into the ice that the blue filter brings into y2k internet and genuine feelings on myspace. You have enough clout and soul to carry it

Love

Tumblrina fangirl who hopes you mention her to your therapist, I am a fangirl after all 

[pulverulents]

#34: thoughts from the closet (alternative title: keeping quiet feels like shame)

I realised the last journal entry was formal as heck because I was so scared while writing it lol but I guess given the subject matter it makes sense. But hopefully now that I feel comfortable enough to be candid this will be more fun.

I made the mistake of opening twitter in the middle of the work day, and my brain fully short circuited because of Julien Baker at the boygenius Pittsburgh show, on stage with an open vest, no shirt, and rainbow boob tape. 

I’m still at work now, and I’m only writing this because my brain literally cannot function to do anything else. Literally no thoughts head empty, only “oh my god I’m so gay”. (That is, using ‘gay’ as an umbrella term to describe my attraction to women. Mostly because saying “I’m so gay” just feels a lot more fun and candid than saying “I’m so queer” or “I’m so bi”. But I’m bi, and I will not stand for bi erasure!!)

It’s been just over half a month after coming out to myself, and the past few weeks of feeling through it and practising saying it to myself have been... pretty crazy, to say the least. I’m getting better at not giving myself crazy anxiety every time I see a video on twitter or tiktok of MUNA and boygenius and especially Julien Baker, but they’ve been getting crazier and crazier on stage that it’s really not making things any easier for me. It also doesn’t help that every time Josette Maskin does that hip thing with her guitar, or every time Julien Baker does something particularly cute or hot or both, every lesbian and bisexual girlie online and in real life goes feral (you can tell from the screaming and shaking in the videos). I mean, I do too. I couldn’t tell you how flustered I was when I first saw the boygenius cowboy shoot, or a fan edit of Josette Maskin in the One That Got Away music video, or that tiktok of Julien Baker winking, I think I truly lost my mind. I’m pretty sure I’m bi and not a lesbian, but maybe I have a preference for women (which is WILD considering that I was obsessed with a boy for 7-8 ish years).

It feels weird not being able to scream about Julien Baker and boygenius and MUNA on my spam or on my twitter because I’m basically still closeted (ok but seriously though, how are all of them so damn attractive??? Literally all 6 of them!!!!). And holding myself back from fangirling to my close friends over queer artists feels weird because I’ve never held myself back from fangirling over Taylor Swift. I’m sure some of them would have the opinion that I’m probably not straight because I’ve told them before that I didn’t think I was 100% straight (which, in hindsight, I can’t believe I actually said that and still refused to identify as queer because it’s total bullshit like it’s fully not possible by definition to be not 100% straight and still not be queer lmao @ old me hun denial is a river in egypt), but I’ve never put a proper label on myself until now so I feel like they still assume that I’m basically straight. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been vacillating violently between “you’re not dating anyone right now, you haven’t dated anyone ever, this isn’t anything significant, nobody cares, nobody needs to know” and “no you gotta do this because if you don’t then you’re just feeding into the shame and the comphet”. Like, intrinsically I know that deciding to stay closeted doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s because I’m ashamed of my queerness; there are several members of the LGBTQIA+ community who never feel the need to officially come out or feel like it isn’t a big deal whether or not they come out and there’s nothing wrong with that, but for me personally? Maybe all the past years of internalised homophobia and comphet have made it so that keeping quiet feels like shame, even if it’s not. 

It’s still scary to think about coming out to them, though. The comphet has been giving me major imposter syndrome about being bi, and I’m scared that they’ll feed into it. I don’t want to be accused of calling myself queer just to fit in with the fan community of all the queer artists I listen to. Because that’s pretty fucked up, and it’s already taking so much of my effort to fight that voice that’s been lurking in my head because I know that it’s not real and it’s just a demon spawn of my own self-loathing and imposter syndrome. I know that I’m not in any real danger of my close friends reacting badly or outing me to people who I don’t want to be out to, but deep down the fear is still there. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t seem to get rid of it. But at the same time, these are the people to whom I have shown the most of myself, they are the only ones who really know about my history, and have journeyed with me through my struggles and my joys. It doesn’t feel right to hide such an integral part of myself from them, when they have already seen some of the worst parts of me and have stuck around in spite of it.

Or I could be completely wrong and they already know that I’m bi. I mean, despite the fact that I’d been obsessed with a boy for the past 7-8 ish years, I’ve realised that I’m literally a walking bisexual stereotype. The cuffed jeans, tucked shirt, rolled sleeves, awkward peace signs and thumbs-ups, flannels, inability to sit in a chair properly. I kind of dress like a butch lesbian, and I kind of have been doing that since my teenage years.

I was never very feminine as a child. I don’t remember much from my early childhood, but I do remember hating the colour pink, and hating wearing dresses. Heck, there are photos of me at age 8 being allowed to choose my CNY outfit for the first time and choosing to wear a dress shirt and pants, with my hair in a french braid. I used to think that I just have a complicated relationship with my femininity because of internalised misogyny and the patriarchy, but maybe it’s also because I’m gay. I used to justify the way I dress with “oh I don’t really care about fashion, I just throw on the first shirt and pants I see as long as it’s comfortable and it doesn’t clash”, but that’s a lie. I do care about fashion and the way I dress, deeply so, and I’ve just been saying that to hide the fact that most straight girls typically don’t quite dress as butchy as I do. And putting more effort into the way I dress in a way that feels comfortable would entail looking undeniably butchy, which was terrifying to consider when I was closeted to myself. I thought about considering gender, but gender is really fucky and even though I do occasionally feel some dysphoria, I don’t really feel any need to identify as anything other than a woman.

I’m not really very butch either, though, nor do I feel much of a desire to go full butch. As much as I dress like a butch lesbian in my day-to-day life, I do still enjoy feeling pretty, and sometimes I’m really feeling myself and my femininity if I’m in the right dress and the right headspace. I like eye makeup and will more than willingly wear it for performances, but lipstick makes me too uncomfortable. Even the fits that I wore for this year’s and last year’s reso concert were pretty feminine because they were dresses / skirts, but the shoes and top that I put together to complete the fit made it a little bit more butchy. And this was before I really started learning all these terms; I was just trying to style myself in a way that I thought looked and felt good and right. If I had to place myself along the spectrum of high femme to stone butch, I’d probably place myself somewhere within the ballpark of butchy femme to futch to soft masc, depending on how I feel that day. I don’t know, that just feels right for now, as I continue to explore how I want to be perceived.

Anyway, back to Julien Baker. I won’t lie, it feels good to say I’m gay or I’m bi without giving myself a panic attack. It’s.... liberating. I can feel myself slowly inching towards being able to truly feel queer joy. It’s slow, but it’s progress. 

-jo

[microsuedemouse]

tagged by @womanaction!!! I love a tag!!!

1. three ships: oh my god. just three? okay well… in the last few days or so. I have thought about. Jyn Erso/Cassian Andor from Rogue One bc god do I love their Doomed Chemistry. Aki Hayakawa/Himeno from Chainsaw Man bc I was catching up on the anime last night and their history and connection is definitely not healthy but golly does it compel me. and uhhh. oh. Annie Edison/Abed Nadir bc I was feeling STUPID squishy a few days ago and wanted to revisit one of my favourite soft ships.

2. first ship ever: oh christ. I’ve been getting too invested in fictional couples since long before I ever knew about fandom. since before I can even remember. uh. if I reach back as far as I can in my brain, I think the earliest ship I can recall caring about is… hm. well. I remember being a small child and thinking that Ord and Cassie from Dragon Tales should fall in love? so.

that said I also grew up on Disney movies and got invested in the romances in those too. so who’s to say. what I know for sure is that I’ve been unbearably romantic literally from toddlerhood; my parents can confirm.

3. currently listening: been back on my non-stop Motion City Soundtrack bullshit for a few days. tho I’m also really enjoying the latest single from Blanks! it’s called Breathe In Breathe Out and it’s very. relevant. at the moment.

4. last movie: a couple nights ago I went to a local film festival screening bc my friend had an entry in the shorts section (she won best short film btw!!!) and the feature film they played that night was a local indie horror called SHIFTED, released last year. it fucked. I bought a copy of the movie and a poster, and two of the actors signed it for me! one of the other actors followed me on ig tonight also lol? (after I put a pic of the poster in my story and tagged the studio.) anyway I hope they score some kind of wide release bc I think more people should get to enjoy it

5. currently reading: HORRORSTÖR by Grady Hendrix. it’s been on my wishlist for years, and Hendrix just put out another new book I rly wanna read, so to prevent myself from spending the money on an expensive newly-released book, I bought a less-expensive several-years-old book. I make very good budget decisions. (I’m really enjoying it so far.)

6. currently watching: aheh. well. on my own I’m still working my way through Hawaii Five-0 (2010). with Mo I’m, uh, rewatching Angel, as well as following Chainsaw Man, To Your Eternity, SPY x FAMILY, and BNHA. our Ben 10 and Darker than Black watches have been on the backburner for a good while now but are technically still ongoing. we’re also following MP100 with Corwin. I… think that’s everything?

7. currently consuming: nothing right this moment but I think I’m gonna go downstairs and get my baguette out of the fridge. I want Bread

8. currently craving: human connection???? lmfao it sounds like I’m goofing but ngl I really need to spend more time with people. I love my family so much but I cannot carry on much longer with them being the Only People I spend leisure time with. oof. how are new friends made

okay I’m supposed to tag nine people I ~want to get to know better~ but I really don’t have that many folks TO tag. so uh. @izupie @silluuuu @karis-the-fangirl you can each pretend to be three people right? 8)

[leejenowrld]

oh i see!!! thats great advice actually bc when i ask most of my friends who r around the same age group as me, they typically tell me the same things so its great to hear from someone slightly older!!

maybe i just need to wait to mature completely before i date again 😵‍💫 i started dating guys abt the same age as u started dating ur bf, and its crazy & admirable to me how u guys navigated the ups and downs of growing up tgt, bc for me i definitely noticed that change (in terms of growing up) is also a huge factor that affects how my relationships turn out! or maybe its the difference in environment, i live in asia and i’m def not implying anything but having to take a whole lot of national exams this year has really taken a toll on my current relationship and i feel myself losing feelings everyday and honestly i don’t even know why 🥹

i feel horrible for my bf bc i lowk almost don’t want to be in a rs anymore w him as i don’t rly feel the attraction to him but i still care deeply abt him so i’m super lost atm esp since we agreed to wait until ive finished my exams to sort everything out! if u have any advice too that would be great but absolutely no pressure!!!!

and i also want to ask how u split time between ur interest in nct and ur relationship, bc i recently got back into the dreamies after a 2 year break to cope with the stress of my exams and ive realised its kinda hard for me to juggle fangirling and a rs at the same time esp since i keep up with jeno jaemin and jisung 🙂‍↕️

sorry for the rambling!!!!!! i js find that u give great advice 💘

thank you! i try to give good, meaningful advice lol. i might get honest here but don’t take anything to heart <3 i just wanna help as much as i can lol. and why do i feel so old omg 😭 damn how young are you? i hope you’re not a minor… i still feel like a teenager so like

and yeah i feel like relationships you defo need to compromise and mature. two very important, vital things. and yes <3 growing up, so many ups and downs but we managed to get past them!! and true but i feel like when your foundation is so strong then it becomes stronger than the change, i defo feel like me and my bf have been through so much together so we can handle so much.

and oh :( yeah that is a super sad situation. honestly idk what advice i could give cus i’ve never really been in that position before. me and my bf did break up once but we still loved each other, we only broke up cus i was going through so much and everything was so much but we got together again because we never stopped loving each other, if anything our love grew. so like if you’re even doubting that you have feelings for him then i’d say it isn’t a good sign, as you should be sure and confident on it, you know? i feel kinda bad for him ngl cus you said he’s sweet right? 😭 i forgot but yeah don’t break his heart 💔 just be honest and communicate and do whats best for you and him. falling out of love is hard but tbh as i said, always go with your heart! don’t force things as it will end up hurting the two of you more. but maybe you’re just stressed about exams and stuff so i’d wait until they finish then have a really good think about what you want to do and communicate well!!

also i’m ngl i don’t really get that 😭 i feel like i don’t need to split anything because my interest in nct doesn’t take up much at all? and if it comes down to anything, i will always prioritise and five more attention to my boyfriend over anything lol. like yeah, i love jeno, i’m a casual fan of them, but i’m definitely not as deep into them as i used to be. at the end of the day they’re idols, people i don’t know, i can’t trust them or act like i know them (eg proved by the whole taeil situation) so like yeah i don’t force myself to watch all the content and keep up with everything, that’s unnecessary and boring, i only watch and listen to what’s worth my time. i feel like stanning/being into a group defo isn’t a full time job and should only be treated like a hobby 😭 like idk you can fangirl but there can be limits and levels, like you have a life and education and your social life etc, your love for nct (imo) should just be something that’s more casual yk

[embossross]

hi ross! hope you’ve been doing well <3 I’ve finally had the chance to sit down and send in an ask for fhmth! you’ve been spoiling us w the updates recently! I’ll try to keep this short because I don’t wanna be annoying lol but I’m sorry in advance.

I remember being really excited to read the new chapter because you mentioned it was gonna be in hanma’s pov, and- omg. It did not disappoint AT ALL. Blew my mind when I first read the surfing part and then everything else made perfect sense, like now that I think of it - a person like him would be perfect for surfing. I bet writing it from his pov was hard, trying to pick at his brain would be so annoying lol but you really did so well with this one! The waves were hanma’s best opponent. ‘Doctor’s unconventional treatment style entails lots of screaming, but she really lets you in all the way, deep as you can go,’ god I laughed out loud when I read that line 😭. The banter and dialogue is always so fun to read between them, it’s like they’re playing an endless game of tug of war heh. You really did his character SO well in this, everything about him made perfect sense. Especially the whole murder conversation. I really love the reader because she picks apart his character and analyzes him to the point where he gets frustrated with her sbxskajsnk we love a girlboss. He is so horny this chapter oh mygodsjsksnk. I really liked how we got to peak into how old toman was like, and how hanma talked about the past but was also careful w what he says lol. Every time they bring up Haitani I literally get anxious because im excited to see how it’s all gonna go down. And- god. The smut. The DDLG makes me have heart eyes and the way he speaks to her like he’s taking care of her?? *slams hands down on table* literally makes me look away from the screen cause I’m blushing like an idiot! If I speak anymore about the smut I could get blocked so I won’t LMAO. But … you do it so so good every time it blows my mind. She *finally* spoke out (+ i wonder where this desire will get her 👀) and I bet hanma feels like a king right now lol. ‘’Imagines a world where every last piece of you has been stripped, examined, and discarded.’’ - ‘’no more dignity, no more independence. You can stay by his side, until he bores of you, and only then will you realize how much you gave up for a taste of him.’’ So cruel but so like him! I wonder if he’d change the way he treats her now that he’s gotten what he wants. Ahh I think that’s all? Im sorry if this got too long, sometimes I do feel like I’m just fangirling and not saying anything insightful lol you can tell me to shut up aisbhsb - but I loved It so much!!! thanks again! - jay <3

thank you i am so happy to read you fangirling in my ask box!

hanma was such a bitch to write this chapter, i swear, so i am so so glad you liked his pov. the lines you quoted were added during editing, and i think they really make the chapter tbh, make it hanma we're dealing with, and not just a nice, normal, horny guy.

the surfing idea was lowkey inspired by the movie point break, and i love the way everyone's receiving it! i was really looking forward to this one :)

i don't know how to talk about my own smut without blocking myself lol, so i'll just say that i'm glad it's meeting your expectations!!

[laurie-stark]

Unwanted-Peter Parker

Summary: Y/n Stark gets more than she bargains for when she joins her Pops, Captian America, for the civil war of the century.

Pairings: Tony Stark x Daughter!Reader, Natasha Romanoff x Daughter!Reader, Steve Rogers x Daughter!Reader, Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

Warnings: swearing, fighting

A/N: Just so you don't get too confused, Y/n is Tony Stark's biological child, however, she was raised by the Avengers and refers to Natasha and Steve as Mama and Pops. Also I wrote this a year ago LOL. Enjoy x

Part Two

New York, 2016

This was bad. Very, very bad. I had seen the secretary come in the compound over the screen of the security monitors. He marched into my home, unannounced and unwelcome, holding himself with purpose. I followed him over the screens, tracking his movements. I watched as he was led through the building, up the elevator and into...the conference room? Oh this was bad. Very, very bad.

I raced as fast as I could. By the time I got the to conference room, the whole group was already sitting in front of the secretary. I saw Wanda first. Her back was to me, but I could see her rigid frame and I knew something was happening. My  father saw me approaching through the glass walls. He shot me a look that said "Don't do it. Don't come in here." I didn't obey.

The secretary stopped speaking abruptly when I walked through the doors. He gave me a quizzical look, did a once over and immediately looked at my father. Surely I don't look that much like Tony.

"Sorry I'm late, no one informed me about this team meeting," I gasped, short of breath from all the running. Of course, this was pushing it. As much as I wanted to be a part of the group, fighting was not my style, so I often got left out of important Avengers activities. I got to live with them, but that was it. Tony rose from his seat. He mumbled an apology to the secretary and gently ushered I out of the room. I would have fought back, but seeing the look on my father's face was enough to shut me up. And I never shut up. The secretary resumed his story. Something about golf and a heart attack.

My dad turned to face me. "Look kid, I get that you want to know what's going on, and you will, but today isn't the day."

"Okay," I said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's okay to be curious," he replied, walking back into the meeting. "Stay upstairs, okay hun?" I nodded and started the trek back up to my room. I shut the door and flopped onto my bed. Out of my long list of pet peeves, this was number one. Sure, I didn't want to fight, but come on family, I should at least get to be in on what's going on! Maybe I could help. I have powers for God sake. I am more than capable of helping the Avengers. But they always saw me as the little girl who needs protection.

"April, pull up security footage of the conference room please," I asked. April, the AI I built, that was modeled after Friday, projected the video surveillance from the ceiling. "Volume up." The group was in the same position as from when I left. The secretary was passing around the room. There was a thick white book being passed around the table.

"The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place," Steve said quietly. "I feel we've done that."

The secretary looked down at him. "Tell me Cap, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now?" What? You were so confused. Why did the secretary care where my uncles were? No one answered the secretary's question, so he kept talking. I racked your brain to find the answers on my own. "...this is the middle ground." The secretary pointed at the book, now lying untouched on the table.

"And if we come to a decision you don't like?" Natasha asked.

"The you retire," the secretary responded. With that, he left the room and I scurried back downstairs.

Everyone was in the living room. I sat in the stairwell, again being uninvited to this group discussion. I listened to them fight. I figured out what was going on. The United Nations were being ungrateful little bitches and hated that they didn't have control over my family. So they gave an ultimatum: give in or give up. From the sounds of it, Uncle Rhodes, Vision and two of my four parents were in agreement with the accords. Steve and Sam were against it. Wanda hadn't said a word. Tension was growing high, I could feel it. I heard my father conclude that he won and a thud of the accords being tossed on the coffee table. Someone got up and left. Before I had the chance to act, the door to the stairwell was torn open. Steve pushed through and nearly stepped on me.

"Eavesdropping?" He smiled.

"You kicked me out, what else am I supposed to do?" I retorted. I noticed the tears welling in Steve's eyes. "Pops, what's wrong?"

Steve's glance fluttered to the ground. "Peggy. She, um..." was all he said. All he had to say. I  was smart enough to read between the lines. I stepped forward and hugged Steve. He smiled, grateful that he had me. I knew how much Peggy meant to him. When I was little, he'd always tell me the story about how they met, how they never got that dance. And every time I would make him dance with me. He even took me to visit her once. I was ten and it was Christmas time. Steve told me that he wanted his favorite girl to meet his favorite niece. Now that was all but a memory. I held him tight before telling him to go. It was okay, I could handle the others. He left without a second glance.

Within days the team was scattered. Steve and Sam had gone to Peggy's funeral. Natasha was off to the signing of the Accords in Vienna. And then all hell broke loose when the bombs went off at the signing ceremony. As always, I  were left home. I had no idea what was going on. At first this break in the team was about the Accords, but somehow Steve's old pal Bucky got involved. I didn't know what to think. The next thing I knew, everyone left for Berlin to rescue Steve and Sam from jail, leaving myself, Wanda and Vision at home.

When night fell, I was in my room, sulking as one would say. I was spending my evening flipping through Tumblr. There was a new superhero everyone was talking about. He called himself Spider-Man. New York based, focused on small neighborhood crimes. By YouTube footage alone, it was obvious he was a rookie. Soon enough, though, I accidentally conducted a full fledged search on this guy. He seemed shady. Sure, he's helping old ladies cross the street and all, but he just has a vibe. I couldn't put my finger on it. April broke me out of my research when she told me that there was a security breach in the compound. I pulled up the security camera footage and saw Clint Barton in my living room with Wanda levitating a knife at his nose.

I rushed downstairs. When I got to the living room Vision was holding Clint by the neck. I watched in silence as Wanda used her powers on Vision. She made it look easy. Slowly, Vision sunk to his knees. Wanda pushed further and the floor gave way. Vision was pushed through all seventy-four thousand levels of the compound. Wanda and Clint were about to turn to run out when you revealed yourself.

"Now was that really necessary?" I smirked. "We just had the floors waxed."

"Y/n," Clint warned.

"I'm not sitting on my ass," I said. Clint smirked and nodded. He knew he couldn't stop me anyways.

One car ride, plane flight and van trip later, I was in Germany. As it turns out, Steve wanted Clint and Wanda on his side, along with some ant dude named Scott. Scott was cool. Him and I sat together on the plane ride and watched Die Hard. He was asleep in the van when we pulled over in the airport parking lot. Clint told me to stay in the van. For once, I listened. I heard voices belonging to Steve and Sam. Clint slid open the van doors abruptly, shaking Scott awake. I chuckled to myself as he fangirled over my Pops. A voice over the intercom said something in a language I didn't know. A voice I didn't recognize said that the airport was being evacuated.

"Stark." Sam muttered.

Scott looked puzzled. Clearly he hadn't been filled in either. "Stark?" he asked.

I step out of the van. "Yes?" Steve and Sam look at me with wide eyes. Clint gave Steve a sheepish shrug. Behind their little blue car stood Bucky Barnes. I knew who he was. I learned about him in school. I knew he was some evil super soldier that attacked Natasha and Steve. He looked scary. He looked exactly like the type of guy to hurt my Mama and Pops. I held his glance until Steve spoke up.

"Y/n, what are you doing here?" Steve whisper-shouted. His voice always got quiet when he 'yelled' at me.

"I hitchhiked." I replied, knowing that at this point Steve didn't have the time to argue with me. He shook his head in defeat and took a deep breath.

"Suit up."

The airport was huge. Our group got suited up and started for the runway. I didn't know how Steve knew where to find my dad, but I followed him anyways. Before I could get any closer, Bucky held me back.

"It's, uh, not gonna be safe. You should stay here and keep low," he said. I frowned. I did not come all this way to not fight. But even still, I nodded. Bucky scared me. He and Sam took off in another direction to find the getaway jet. I laughed. This whole thing was ridiculous. My attention turned to the sound of my father and Rhodey flying down from the sky.

"Ross gave me 36 hours to bring you in," Tony started. "That was 24 hours ago. Can you help a brother out?"

"You're after the wrong guy," Steve replied nonchalantly.

"Your judgement is askew. Your old war buddy killed innocent people yesterday-"

"And there are five more super soldiers just like him. I can't let the doctor find 'em first Tony. I can't."

"Steve," Natasha approached him slowly. "You know what's about to happen. Do you really wanna punch your way out of this one?"

I took this as my cue. "No, but I will," I said, emerging from my hiding spot. I looked at the faces of your family. My gaze fell on Tony and my smile dropped. He looked angry.

"You brought my daughter into this?" Tony yelled, turning to Steve.

"Technically, I brought myself," I said. "You really think you were gonna leave me out of all the fun?"

Tony pinched his brow. "Y/n, this is serious."

"No it's not," I objected. "No, this got personal the second you thought you were gonna loose Pops to Bucky." No one moved after I said that.

"Alright, I've run out of patience," my father finally spoke. He cupped his hands around his mouth. "Underoos!"

Before I had a chance to process, a red and black blur whipped past my head. It landed on top of a nearby van. It was Spider-Man. As in the Spider-Man. He had taken Cap's shield from him. I said nothing. My father could have recruited me, but instead he chose this little neighborhood nobody. That hurt a little. The Spider-thing and my father bantered for a minute. So he's never even been in a real fight before, I thought.

"You've been busy," Steve smirked.

Tony turned back to Steve. "And you've been a complete idiot. Dragging in Clint and Y/n, rescuing Wanda from a place she doesn't even want to leave, a safe place. I'm trying to keep-" he paused, sighing. "I'm trying to keep to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart."

"You did that when you signed." Steve kept his cool. My father did not.

"Alright, we're done. You're gonna turn Barnes over, you're gonna come with us, now, because it's us! Or squad of J-SOC guys with no compunction of being polite. Come on."

Everyone stood still, waiting. Steve put his web-cuffed hands in the air. Clint shot them free from a mile away. I saw Scott -or a tiny version of him. Spider-Man noticed too, right before Scott grew and kicked him in the face. My dad flew off to retrieve Wanda and Rhodey was ready to take on Cap.

"Hey Mr. Stark, what should I do?" Spider-Man asked. He sounded young.

"What we discussed, keep your distance, web 'em up!" My father barked, as he flew towards Clint and Wanda.

"Okay, copy that," Spider-Man replied. He shot a web at me first. It caught my arm and I got whipped to the ground. I glared at him.

"Really?" I hissed.

"Just following Mr. Stark's orders," He said before swinging off after Bucky. I was left on the ground once everyone dispersed. I tried pulling my hand out of the sticky material that was shot at me, but it was stronger than glue. I was forced to watch the action unfold and wait until Natasha ran past me.

"Mama, a little help here?" I called out to her.

She stopped for a second. "Sorry honey, I really don't want you getting hurt." She ran off and I groaned. No one ever wants me to get hurt. I suppose I should be grateful, but in a moment like this, gratitude is hard to find. I started toying with the web. I wondered if I could break down the molecules. Surely there had to be some sort of H2O compound in it somewhere.

My power surged through me, the current flowing to the hand webbed to the ground. I managed to manipulate the water out, just as I predicted I would. The substance melted off my hands. Gross, I thought. I wiped the remaining web on my pants and got up. The water from the webbing fell to the ground with a splash.

I stood up and examined my surroundings. Natasha was on the ground fighting Scott, who shrunk down and flipped her over her own head. The Black Panther was on the other side of the roof, battling Steve. I didn't move. As much as I wanted to be included, I couldn't bring myself to fight. Not now at least.

The two teams assembled, divided by a line on the pavement. How cinematic. I was on Cap's side. I never meant to fight against my father. If anything, I thought it was funny. I looked out at the team in front of me. They were all lined up, Rhodey, the cat, Tony, Nat, the Spider-brat. Vision hovered above them. A bead of sweat trickled down the back of my neck. I were scared. I wasn't made to fight.

"What do we do Cap?" Sam asked.

"We fight." Steve moved first. We followed in suit. My dad's team mimicked my team's actions and walked closer. We  broke into a jog and then a full out run. This was really about to happen. I hoped that my family would go easy on me. I knew what I was doing. I reassured myself of that. I have done a bunch of training, especially with Wanda. I could move the freaking elements with my mind and manipulate gravity! As if the Spider-Man could beat that. I am Y/n fricking Stark. I can do this.

I put a smile on your face, contrasting everyone else's bitter looks. "I call the spider!" I yelled, just as everyone began the battle. Spider-Man heard me and slowed down just a bit. I cocked an eyebrow. He resumed his pace and ran straight for me. I ran headfirst towards him. He threw out his arm to web me, but I was faster. With a swish of my hands, I changed his gravitational pull and made his feet flip out from under him. He landed on his back with a hard thud. As gently as I could, I morphed the pavement under him to trap his hands. "Careful there, Spider-boy. Don't wanna get stepped on." I walked away. I made it about ten steps before I heard the sound of concrete cracking. I turned around and saw that Spider-Man was breaking free of his restraints. I was shocked. He has super strength. Great. I should have moved out of his way because the second he got one hand free, I was webbed against a truck.

"For the record," he said, getting up in my face. "It's Spider-Man." He swung off into the airport through a glass window. I watched the glass rained onto the ground. Taking a deep breath, I quickly removed myself from the webs. I needed a plan. A strategy. I thought about at the opposing team. Everyone was scattered around the airport. I thought about who would be easiest to fight. But then I realized, the strategy wasn't about how they'd fight, but who. There was no way in hell that my parents or Uncle Rhodey would even think about fighting me. The Black Panther didn't know me, so he was a threat. The worst Vision could do was pick me up and fly away, so he was in thr safe zone. That left the spider. I smiled to myself. Rematch time.

By the time I found Spider-Man, he had already webbed Sam and Bucky to the floor. He was perched on top of a light post, saying something about impressing my father. Sam's mini falcon whizzed past me and grabbed Spider-Man by the web. He got pulled out a window, banging his side into the pane on the way out. I ran over to Sam and Bucky. Quickly, I destroyed the webbing and helped them up. They both gave me a quick "Thanks kid," before running back out. I followed them, staying loose on their trail.

Once I got outside my eyes scanned the area for the Spider. I saw Wanda piling cars on my father and Natasha fighting Clint. Then I spotted him, fighting Cap. He was underneath a jet bridge . Cap threw his shield at the support beams and the whole thing fell on top of Spider-Man. He caught it of course, but Cap ran away. I formed my plan.

"Hey!" I called out. I walked around the collapsing jet bridge. I stood in front of the struggling boy. Or man, I didn't know. "Remember me?"

"Heh, how could I forget such a pretty face," he grunted, starting to fold under the weight of the jet bridge. "You wanna give me a hand?" I glared at his face comment, but lifted the jet bridge anyway. He ran out and I let it fall. Both of us stopped for a minute, gasping for breath beside the rubble. He was close enough to hit. So I did. Without warning I threw a punch of air at him. It hit him right in the chest and he got blown back into the side of a van. "What the hell man?" He got up and shot a web at me. I dodged and threw another gust of wind. It shot him out of the air. He webbed at a pole and swung past my face. I redirected his gravitational pull, but not before he got a kick to my face. We both got thrown in different directions. I landed hard on the ground, pain shooting up my spine. I got up first, now angry. Forgetting about my powers, I lunged at him and threw a punch. I missed and he shot webs at my feet, holding me down. Immediately, I dissolved them and Spider-Man's eyes widened. Well, his mask's eye holes did anyway.

"How did you do that?" He yelled. "What kind of witchcraft-"

"Its not witchcraft," I spat. "It's called manipulation of the elements, look it up. I figured there had to be some water compound in this and I was right. All I had to do was remove it."

"That's so cool! And how did you do the foot thing earlier? Was that just the wind you do or do you have telekinesis too? Are you like the Scarlet Witch?" He rambled on. I took this to my advantage and caught him off guard. I used the van he'd hit earlier to become his gravitational pull and yanked. He went slamming into it and groaned. When he tried to get back up, I was already five steps ahead of him. Morphing the earth metals in the van, I contorted it into a shell that crushed Spider-Man until he was covered and stuck.

I heard Scott say that he was gonna tear himself in half over the earpiece. I got distracted from holding Spider-Man down and turned to see a giant Scott. Spider-Man broke free. He tore the shell off himself and threw it at me. I was wacked across the side and fell the the ground again.

"Holy shit!" he says, looking at Scott. His back was to me and I gave him one last wind push. He fell on his face and I laughed. "Oh come on, don't you have some dolls to play with or something?" I just scoffed and walked past him, stepping past his hand that was on the ground. He let out a yelp and you kept walking. Dolls, I thought. I'm thirteen I don't play with dolls. I watched as the rest of the battle went down. I wasn't quite sure what to do. I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Natasha was standing just behind me. "Come with me." We started jogging off. It was natural for me to listen to her. I realized about five seconds in that technically she was my enemy right about now, but I shrugged it off. I ran through the fight, past the big Scott and towards a warehouse. I could see the outline of a jet get bigger as I approached it. Natasha stopped behind the entrance. She was waiting.

"So what do we do?" I asked.

"We wait to fight," She replied, not taking her eyes off the horizon. I came to realize this probably means I would be fighting her. Maybe she wanted to use me as a hostage or something. No, that's silly. Right?

Steve and Bucky got closer to the building I was in. They nearly made it until Vision laser beamed the shit out of a nearby communications tower. Wanda caught it before it fell, giving the two men time to race towards the jet. I stepped out to help Wanda. The both of us were able to hold the rubble long enough for Steve and Bucky to get through. I panted, proud of myself for getting this far.

A searing pain sliced through my brain. Both myself and Wanda fell to the ground, screaming. I could barely look up to see that Rhodey was sending some sort of wave through the air. The tower fell and Natasha was quick to haul me out of the way before I got crushed. I might be better than Spider-Man, but I definitely don't have his super strength.

Steve and Bucky still managed to get through the falling paces of metal and concrete. Natasha left my side and marched swiftly towards the two men. I couldn't hear them, but I could sense the tension from a mile away. Natasha lifted her arm, taser aimed and ready. Steve held his shield up in defense as Natasha shoots....the Black Panther? I guess she's on our side now? The jet started to take off and you watch an Natasha continues to battle the Panther. I fell to my side, wiped out.

My father flew into the warehouse just as the jet leaves. You thought maybe he was going to fight Natasha for betraying him. I was wrong. He was coming for me. He landed beside me and dropped to his knees. His helmet closed and I could see the worry plastered on his cut up face. He knelt beside me and gently held me up.

"Are you okay?" he asked. I nodded, not really able to make words. He looked over at Natasha, who was looking at us. She had an apologetic look, but I know she doesn't regret letting Cap go. My father let me go and charged off after the jet plane. I lied down, enjoying the feeling of cold concrete against your skin. I closed my eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I paced around the living room, driving Nat crazy. I knew that the second my father got home I would be in deep shit. So when Friday alerted me that Tony was home my heart rate went up 29373%. The battle, this fight, it ended worse then I could have imagined. Natasha told me that my father could have died. Rhodey was paralyzed from the waist down. I had no idea if I'd ever see my Pops again. This was bad. Very, very bad.

I slowly walked down the main hall towards the front doors. I was scared. My hands and the back of my neck were sweating. I knew exactly what was coming. Every time I had asked my dad if I could be an honorary Avenger, I got the same lecture. That it was too dangerous, I didn't have the proper training and it's too much for his little girl to handle. Even when I asked to just be a part of the business side of the team, Tony laughed and said no. I've broken a lot of my father's rules, but this was the line. And I had gone so far over.

As I approached the front door, I could hear my father speaking. I heard another voice too. My heart dropped. It was Spider-Man. Why was Spider-Man here? I ducked behind a wall and listened in to the conversation.

"...outstanding job kid. Your fighting technique was on par. And, listen, I know we're not allowed to have kids on this team, but if we need you again, we'll call." I heard my father say.

"Thanks Mr. Stark. This was so cool," Spider-Man replied. I wondered if he had his suit on or not. I wanted to know who this guy was. I revealed myself from behind the wall. The two looked at me. I looked at my father first and fought the urge to burst into tears. He looked awful. His face was all cut up and the black eye he got was still a little swollen. I glanced at the figure beside him and frowned. Spider-Man was a kid. He looked like he was my age. He had a mop of curly brown hair and doe eyes. He was almost equally as beat up as my dad and I gracefully took credit for that.

"Y/n, this is Peter. He's, uh, one of my interns. Kid, this is Y/n," Tony said. My annoyance turned to anger. Now my father was lying to me?

"How old are you?" I asked, eyes narrowing. I knew that I sounded rude, but this kid had kicked me in the face twice. I didn't think he deserved my manners.

"I'm fourteen," Peter gulped. A year older than me. And I kicked his ass, I thought. "You gave me quite a fight back in Berlin."

"Yeah and I beat your ass doing it."

"Speaking of which," Tony spoke up, "I have to talk to Y/n about that. Happy will take you home Peter." Peter nodded and said goodbye to my father. He said goodbye to me, to which I didn't reply. Peter frowned at that as he walked out the door.

My dad turned to me when the door shut. "What," he began, "were you thinking?"

"Well I-"

"No. This is where you listen. Do you know how dangerous that mission was. Do you know how many people got hurt? You saw what happened to Rhodey, that could have been you!"

"But it wasn't" I retorted.

Tony's frown deepened. "That is not the point. You put yourself in serious danger, and for what? So you could feel a little more included? You could have died. This was my one rule, my one ask of you, and your broke it."

"Oh, come on now, I'm a Stark, it's in our blood to not listen to our fathers." My father gave me the coldest look and I shut down. I took a deep breath. "Look, I didn't know that it was gonna be this bad. You know me, daddy, I'm not a fighter, I'm not some hero. You think I would have gone if I knew it would turn out like this? I thought this was just gonna be another one your you and Pops' stupid fights. And yes, I could have gotten hurt, but I think I handled myself pretty well. You saw what I did you that little protege of yours. I beat him to the curb."

"Y/n you were reckless. Peter was prepared for this, he was ready."

"And I still beat him."

"Y/n you're not listening to me. This is why I chose Peter over you. I would have taken you if I knew you wouldn't do something stupid. But you did anyway." And with that he walked away, leaving me, teary-eyed in the front hall.

Tony came by my room later that night to apologize. He said that he was sorry for being harsh, that he just cared about me and I scared him. I knew he meant it and I forgave him, because that's what we do. Besides, it wasn't Tony I was angry with. This is why I chose Peter over you. Tony's words echoed through my head. I knew that he loved me more, I'm his daughter, he had to. But I were jealous. Jealous that stupid Peter Parker got the praise for the work I've wanted to hear for ages. And mad at that stupid spider for being stupid.

This is when I decided that I hate Peter Parker.

[sancoeur]

Hear me out, Diana is a world champion figure skater and Akko has a gay crush.

My @lwasanta gift for @kittykittycatcat01 !! Merry Christmas!

Bonus HCs because um ice gays My sister came up with all of these lmao

Diana's mom was an ice dancer

Akko couldn't skate for shit as a kid bc shitty balance but skated like. Every day and any moment possible in order to be somewhat good

Diana also had to practice A LOT. Ppl called her a prodigy but nope she's just persistent. Akko is just stubborn lol it's a little different

Chariot and Croix are skaters but Chariot always got gold during juniors and Croix got butthurt so she quit after Chariot went to seniors

Chariot retired bc she got old. Like yeah she set some records but she just decided to retire like a normal person?? Ends up as Akko's coach and listens to that girl fangirl every damn day except the girl soooo fucking dense lmao

Akko has high performance scores, Diana has high technical ones

Together they try and learn from each other! It doesn't go well but you know!!!!! Eventually!!!

Chariot/NowUrsula had high performance scores too, but also can jump without mcfreaking dying like Akko does

Akko has a gay celeb crush on Diana. 

Diana lowkey has one on Akko too but it isn't really celeb crush bc Akko isn't really a celeb LMAOUHHHH 

Akko is for Japan, Diana has UK, Lotte is Finland ig?? Wherever the heck they're all from

So. Diana wins all the euros, Akko gets a consistent bronze in the 4cc which is. The four continents. (Asia, Australia, North America/South America???? Africa too??? Basically just NOT Europe)

They met at Worlds (bc Akko never gets to gpf,,, like ever) or a gpf qualifier thing,,,, anyways 

They Will Pretend like they don't admire e/o as skaters bc they fucking STUPID and some sort of misunderstanding happens,,,

Diana thinks Akko thinks that she's another arrogant stuck up skater + hates her

Akko thinks Diana thinks that she's just a nobody skater and doesn't know her at all (haha what a commemorative photo???? Haha)

Screw just having it be YOI, that's boring

Hannah and Barbara are pair skaters that are Diana's rinkmates

Suzy and Lotte exist! They're decent skaters but,,, don't get gold often. 

Amanda is. Good. Probably. She's like,,, getting silver and fucking mad about it.

Did I mention Diana probs gets all golds??? Lmao. Akko WISHES. Says Diana is the next living legend like Chariot but haha no one knows where chariot fucked off too!! No one heard of Hair Dye or Baggy Clothing or Colored Contacts or even Moving Away. Lmao

Andrews dad hates ice skating. Except Andrew enjoys watching the sport. They're still business ppl

Andrew and Diana are neighbors

Let Andrew play piano. (Let him make the music for someone's FS. Yeah I just thought of this all randomly idk why) 

Akko is stubborn as hell and gets to a competitive league through pure spite only. She studied in the US and met Lotte there at the rink. Suzy can skate but doesn't care for competitions as much as others.

Akko and Diana do ballet,,, Akko is impatient tho lmao,, 

Diana is more graceful and flexible but she lacks emotion and heart into the sport (bc after her aunt realizes she got Famous the bitch sucked out all the joy of the sport, man)

Akko just loves skating. A bit competitive but realizes she won't really ever win??? Kinda defeatest outlook rip... But she tries!!! 

So much emotion and performance and tears!!! (She's good at pop/cheerful/upbeat and also SAD SAD TEARSSSS shit. You know.) But cannot jump for shit. She sticks with doubles but like,,,, it's not enough really. (Women can't do quads yet. I think.)

Diana has high combos and sticks with classical music/elegant shit. She doesn't pick her music but she does choreograph it.

Akko meanwhile doesn't have good taste. Literally doesn't know how to choose songs really.

In a fic setting: Akko accidentally somehow makes it into the gpf on a fluke/by accident one year (like... She gets two bronzes or smt) and then diana/akko accidentally offend each other after the comp. 

Wild misunderstandings. After that it's like. Pushing e/o to do better at worlds/ their respective comps of 4cc/euros. 

They both get progressively better as they send e/o passive aggressive critiques and shit. 

They happen to run into e/o at the rink/ballet studio at 4am at worlds and passive aggressively flirt before warming up and becoming friends

Akko actually lands a triple in her FS and Diana fucking gay heart dies

They end up chatting like. All off season/when you prep for the next season

Next season they happen to end up in the same qualifiers for the gpf and train at 4am together again. 

Go on coffee "not dates" lmao. 

Actually secretly dating but neither know it yet.

Pining? So much??? Pining???

 At some point like. Maybe they both got Andrew to make them music for their FS. And their themes and shit match. Bc they are In Tune with e/o and EVERYONE thinks they coordinated but they're just gay and stupid. 

So their themes are like. Love and life (except Diana has life and akko has love and it's the complete OPPOSITE of what they normally do and instead compliment e/o so much it's so gay)

Akko does a romantic gay love song that's like. Eros/violin shit with isn't what she normally does and chariot is just dying In The BG

Diana does more "pop"/ lively themes. It feels more alive ig??? It's more about the feelings,,,

Andrew, Frank, Lotte, + the others that are in the show are just. Trying so hard to wingman bc they're painful to watch. Like. So painful. So very painful.

Diana, jokingly: I only kiss gold Akko: I'll go buy some matching gold rings for good luck that we kiss before performances!! Diana, in gay crisis: sounds totally platonic!!! Haha yeah!!! Amanda, disgusted: that's gay you funky lesbians

[the-romantic-lady]

Surprised to hear you like Henry VI and Margaret of Anjou, given that you're a fan of Richard, Duke of York. Isn't that a conflict of interest or something? Lol. What's your opinion on Elizabeth Woodville and the Woodville clan, Margaret Beaufort, Warwick and the Neville clan, and George, Duke of Clarence? (Basically what's your opinion on the rest of the players of the Wars of the Roses lol.)

Gosh, anon you are encouraging me!! I love that you care about my thoughts <3. Alright then, let's start.

I used to be very anti-Margaret of Anjou. Until I started to look at things from her perspective. York was dangerously popular with a lot of children and a formidable wife. Margaret must have felt insecure. Also, there is this theory that Margaret's mentor and confidant William de la Pole, Duke of Suffolk was murdered under the order of the Duke of York. That must have been a tipping point. But I still think that York was the better ruler and person. I will get a lot of hate for this, but women in general were not suitable rulers for the Middle Ages. They were often driven by more personal ideals (Empress Matilda vs. Stephen is a great example and Margaret was no different). Ofc there were men like that too but women seemed to always be like that. As a woman, I understand and the later periods were more suitable for female leadership. York was a much better ruler. He was driven by the stability of the realm rather than his personal issues (he put his own son-in-law in prison and Margaret wouldn't even budge on her failure advisors). And her entitlement was mind-boggling. I love how messed up she was. And Henry...I just feel sorry for him. The Middle Ages also were not a time for artistic and kind kings lol.

Elizabeth Woodville and the Woodville Clan:

As I have said, I pretty much like everyone before 1485 lol. But Elizabeth Woodville was annoying af. That made her interesting but I can't get over how incredibly greedy she was. She was the daughter of a minor gentry and widow of a Lancastrian knight. Edward makes her queen and she abuses that power so much. She has problems with everyone. Warwick, George, Richard, any noble who didn't kiss her arse and even Edward. Queens were meant to level the mind of King. Edward III's queen famously saved French clergy by going on her knees to beg the King for mercy. Ofc that was a bit dramatic but many Queens did this. It was called the Queen's mercy or something like that. But boy was she a hell of a woman. Despite being raised in a pretty privileged household, she was shrewd and survived to the end. She could have learned a thing or two from Cecily Neville about how to put that strong personality to better use but regardless. Also, I love how she was shunned fron Henry Tudor's court when Richard welcomed her to his with open arms. I mean...karma. But all in all, I like her. Its as they say "well behaved women seldom make history". She had flaws (so did the everyone else!) but her character is interesting and admirable. And despite that shaved forehead, she is a gorgeous woman. So I get where Edward was coming from XD The other social climbing members Woodville..not so much. The shameless way that they tried to push themselves in and take hold of power when they had literally fought on the losing Lancastrian side is embarrassing and oh so disgusting. Like Warwick secured the throne for Edward and they were given precedence over him. I just...yeah. John Woodville legit married a 65 year old duchess (he was 19) for money and power. They were a hungry bunch and courting them was Edward IV's biggest mistake and towards the end of his life, I think he saw that.

Margaret Beaufort

I will keep this short since I don't know much about her but I dislike her. I understand that she went through a lot. Her father apparently suicided when she was 1 and that is traumatic. And back then suicide was mocked and disgraced. She ofc blamed the Duke of York....cause at this point why not? She ofc went through a really young and traumatic birth at 13. Her husband was gross and that's that. And we know that Edward kept her son exiled so she couldn't see him. But despite all this, I just don't like her? I suppose its the super impressive Plantagenet women who just make me look at the sleezy and dull Margaret with disdain. And she gives me real phony vibes. Like at times, she just seemed to cosplay Cecily Neville lol. When you see women like Cecily Neville and Margaret of Anjou taking charge in the way they did, Margaret and her deceptive ways are just cringe worthy.

The Earl of Warwick

This man. Just this man. The way that England seemed to revolve around his whims is amazing. He was a real Duke of York stan and so I have to appreciate him. But he was so fearless. Henry VI, Edward IV, Margaret of Anjou, you name it. He stood against them. The Duke of York seemed to be someone he admired but other than that, he fought for himself. He helped Edward take the crown and worked hard to keep Edward's throne. He was embarrassed with the whole secret marriage saga but still stuck by. But Edward clearly forgot who he owed his success too. The man escaped an assassination by Henry VI's men and saved his father and uncle from it. He actually took charge in the first Battle of St. Albans in 1455 because his rivals the Percys were mocking him. I just love him. Ngl, sometimes when I read about him, I just blush. A man if there ever was one. There were so many attempts at disgracing him. He was the Captain of Calais and in that role fought Medieval pirates! And he was ruthless at it. People loved him and he carried that popularity well. I should stop fangirling over a dead guy. I think I made it pretty clear that I love him XD.

Neville clan

I like them too. Warwick's father was pretty much York's best friend and I love him for it. They were also social climbers like the Woodvilles but so much better at it. They didn't have the entitlement that the Woodvilles did and managed their powers well. Cecily Neville was ofc a Neville and she is one of my favorites. One of my favorite thing about them is how courageous they were. Like all of them. Unfortunately, Anne and Isabel are both obscure figures. I wish we knew more about them. They were pushed around like prizes. Good on Richard for giving Anne a position to make her own decision. I feel bad for those girls. Although the York brothers were known to be good looking so lucky them?

George, Duke of Clarence

Ah, George. I love this man. If there was one son of York who inherited his father's glamour and charm, it was George. And I love that he stood up to his brother and sister-in-law. He was sometimes too problematic but I still love that! Glamourous and problematic. How can one not love the man? Although his betrayal of Edward is kind of sad considering that Edward really tried to be like a dad to his brothers. George took Edward's love for granted for too long. His breakdown after his wife's death is really sad too. Interestingly, this seems to be a pattern with the Plantagenet men. They all have breakdowns and downfalls after the death of their wives. Their women are so much stronger emotionally.

I know this was long! I hope you enjoyed the post :D. I would love to know your thoughts too and if you agree or disagree. Seriously, thank you for letting me talk about this. Nothing makes me happier than to discuss these people!

[gyllenhaalstories]

any tips on how to be kind to myself????

hi hello! my sweet precious anon, you have come to the wrong person for this 🥲 i am the president of the self loathing club and i unfortunately don't know how to escape the trap i trapped myself into with this (okay to be fair, i didn't fully trapped myself in this infernal cycle of self hate, you know, some things definitely contributed to it lol, but... yeah). so, let's figure this out together, shall we? again, i'm putting this under a read more just to be safe!

i want to say i’m not into meditation, affirmations, that kind of things is not for me. i’m absolutely pessimistic and negative, and painfully self-aware, so standing in front of the mirror and like pretending to believe something positive i would say to myself does not work. if it does for you, then that’s good!!!! it’s just not for me. i’m gonna share tips that i do, they’re small, pretty irrelevant if i’m being completely honest, but small baby steps are good. and small baby steps is all i can manage.

i sound like a broken record with the number of times i have suggested this to people... BUT DO THINGS YOU LOVE. THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY, DO THEM, OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHO FUCKING CARES.

and if very few things make you happy lately, think back of what worked. maybe you need to discover them again. watch that movie you haven’t seen for years, that movie you know makes you cry but fills you with familiar feelings of melancholy and longing for something good (not to be a jake fangirl during this very serious topic, but i watch love & other drugs, it makes me cry without fail, but it’s one of those movies that i enjoy the pain that comes with them). that video you watched on youtube an absurd amount of time, whether it’s a compilation of animal content, an old youtuber you don’t follow anymore, or me with my same 3 sims videos by lilsimsie, watch them. songs, maybe they’re cringy at this point, but go break your eardrums with never gonna give you up for three hours! i did it a few nights ago, i still hate myself but i had a blast! get crafty even if it looks ugly, start a book even if you’ll read ten pages, wear a hoodie you like a lot even if it’s all worn out, go hug a plushie that used to be your best friend back in the day. do more of what YOU love. 

retail therapy lol <3

all my money comes from student loans i will have to pay back to the government but i don’t care i can and i will spend 100$ on squishmallows and puzzles and crap from the dollar store and too many packs of cookies they go soft in the box before i even open it. waiting for that great big source of joy is disappointing and paralyzing. you’re just... you’re just stuck. you want something good to happen, you want to deserve it. you want to feel like you deserve it. that’s hard, still haven’t figured out how to realize i deserve good stuff, but i sure do deserve this questionable looking plushie! get you something that makes you happy right here and now. a slushie, chocolate, a shirt, whatever it is. if you can afford it or work your way around it to make a small dent in your budget, then get it. toys don’t have age limits. food don’t need to be earned. new or old hobbies don’t need big celebratory times to be celebrated. YOU deserve to be celebrated and YOU deserve to gift yourself things that make you happy.

you can try making a list of the things you do and you catch yourself feeling proud!

or you can tell someone, if you have someone to tell of course and it’s okay not to have a big entourage (we’d be on the same boat if that’s the case for you too!). if you’re like me and go to bed late and sleep until very late too but you woke up five minutes earlier than what you do usually and got a little closer to your goal? BIG VICTORY. did you do a phone call or survive an appointment you were stressing about? BIG VICTORY. did you make food on a day you did not feel like eating much or were too clumsy to stand in the kitchen and do all those dangerous tasks? BIG VICTORY. did you stand up and see something pretty outside? what a funny coincidence, also BIG VICTORY. again, i bring back the waiting for big things to happen. i’m very much like that, waiting for a wind of change to sweep me off my feet and it makes it impossible to see the smaller stuff. take photos, write it in the notes app, make an empty blog on tumblr where you dump all of this, a private instagram for just you, discord, whatever the cool kids use. if you don’t have people to celebrate those victories with, then be that person for yourself.

be. fucking. selfish.

i don’t know if you’re like me, anon, i create whole new levels of people pleasing, i try to bend myself in all the directions for everyone else, but when it comes to me? i don’t have any of that energy left. so, sometimes, allow yourself to be selfish. feel that guilt that comes with being programmed to believe you don’t deserve the same good things you give to others. stand up to yourself when someone cross your limits or hurt you. use your voice. set new boundaries. don’t answer your messages if you know it will drain you of precious energy you need to save for yourself. make time for yourself. feel your feelings. think your thoughts. sometimes letting the wave of negative feelings hit is easier than constantly fighting against it. so ride it, let it submerge you until you’re on the other side and you can catch a break. show the patience and care you have for everyone else, but show it to yourself. if your loved ones told you they didn’t feel good today, you’d be there for them, right? then be there for yourself when you realize you feel bad.

being there for yourself. protecting yourself. making yourself happy. celebrating yourself. even for just an hour or two, even for just a moment during the day, week, or month. if you can manage to show a similar level of care and patience and affection you others, that’s being kind to yourself. pay attention to you and your thoughts and your feelings and your interests the same way you do it for other people. a while back i saw this reel on instagram of this girl being like “you’ll always be your friend, you’ll always have to be there for yourself” and? unfortunately so that’s true, as much as i hate myself with a burning passion, i’m the only one who’s going to stick through thick and thin and sometimes it’s gonna be hard as fuck and i will sabotage everything i do, other times i will have the strength to be kind to myself. i’m not saying this is easy. if anything, i am the living proof this is one of the hardest things ever. but if i can do it, so can you. baby steps, remember? there can be giant dinosaur steps too! but all steps are good, even the ones backwards.

 if you can have all the kindness in the world for others, you need to try and save a little of it for yourself. let’s try together, yeah? 💖💖💖💖

[buttmuncher91]

a lot of advanceshippers love to say such bs about Drew even to this day. Drew is not my favorite character & it’s fine to prefer advanceshipping over contestshipping and I kinda like advanceshipping , but some of the things they say are ridiculous! This is not bashing on all advanceshippers or advanceshipping in general, this is just some quotes (not exact) I’ve seen that I’ve had problems with.

”Drew is a jerk! Ash would treat her right!“

Both would treat her just fine! Drew watches out for her & tells her when Harley is tricking her, saved her friends & brother when she was busy, saves her friends, cheers her up when she’s down, & they both calmly talk to each other when alone.

Besides, there are some things to point Ash being a jerk to her too! Ash yelled at her because he was butthurt he had no boat to get his next gym badge & skips out on watching some of her contest when May even watches him battle regular trainers.

And it’s not like May is an innocent angel herself. She yelled at Ash & Drew for no reason, had her torchic attack Ash, & forced Ash to agree to let her travel with him by bringing up her bike.

I know May & Ash have developed a lot sense than, but so has Drew & y’all are just stuck viewing him how he reacted at the beginning.

”May hates Drew & loves ash!“

She doesnt hate Drew. At the very worst, she sees him as a friend & has seen him that way by “Who, What, When, Where, Wynut.” Like I said we seen them talk a lot when they run into each other & heck, she even ditched the group, including Ash as he was talking to her, to talk to Drew when she saw Drew. So tell me again how she loves Ash way more than Drew lol!

And in ”Spontaneous Combustion“ May blushes at Drew after he waved and walked off. May never blushed around Ash, even when some weird couple accused her of being Ash’s lover. And there was nothing in that scene that indicates her getting red met something else. She wasn’t sick, doesn’t look mad, didn’t do anything embarrassing, etc... so it looks as if she really likes Drew.

”Drew is a flirts with any girl & would cheat on May, but Ash would never cheat on her!”

You people have nothing to back this up. Drew had fangirls gushing all over him? May being Norman‘s daughter and probably because she’s referred to as hoenn princess, has a lot of fanboys! In fact, Ash is more likely to cheat on May then Drew dispite him being oblivious, as Drew showed 0 interest in his fangirls & ran from them. If he was such a flirt, he wouldn’t run from fan girls, but would try & you know, FLIRT with them. Drew also showed 0 interest for other girls, & only teases May. You advanceshipper fanbrats (not saying all advanceshippers are fanbrats just the advanceshippers who think this) only pretend he is to make up reasons for May to reject Drew.

”He only likes May for her rack, & wouldn’t care for her if it was flat!“

Talk about reaching. Drew only stares at her FACE! He never stared at them, & the anime gave her chest 0 focus. He isn’t just some creeper. Despite not being interested in her, he treated Breanna nicely & she was flat. He may just have puppy love/a crush on her, but saying he’s just trying to win her because of her rack is complete bs!

”Think about it, Drew & May would make ugly babies!”

Based on what? Cuz Drew has green hair? As someone whose least favorite color is green (okay, okay dark/forest green is pretty), I think this is a stupid claim. Even with a weird hair color, there’s a chance the child could be cute, & really beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Hair color is NOT even close to a huge factor to what separates not ugly to ugly. And they don’t have to make babies if they do get together. They can just choose to adopt to help out those who need a home or just happily be with each other with no children at all.

”Drew is in less episodes with May than Ash, so advanceshipping is better & will be canon!”

🤦‍♀️Misty has the most screen time with ash. By this cruddy ”logic,” Misty & ash (so far) are canon. Yes, misty has much more screen time with ash than May. Misty had all of Kanto, Orange Islands, AND Jhoto with ash... as well as a cameo with ash in Hoenn, and TWO separate cameos in Alola. And at this point, May could have spent more time with Drew. It’s been 4 regions that Ash hasn’t even thought of 1 of her Pokémon after all this time. I’m no pokeshipper, but let’s be real here.

And most of the time Ash & May are on screen, it’s them focusing on their goals/Pokémon. They cheer & encourage each other too, but it’s mostly friendship stuff. Could something happen later on between them to spark love? Sure. But nothing in the anime ever pointed to that. And you can literally say that with Ash and... ANYONE! Like Ash could grow up, met back up with Roxie & they could fall for each other.

When Drew appears on screen, you mostly see hard evidence for contestshipping, weather on Drew’s side, May’s side, or both. Yes, there’s evidence on BOTH sides that they like each other. At best, advanceshipping looks one-sided on May’s side. And even then, it mostly looked that way in the beginning of AG. There’s way more evidence that May likes Drew & vice vesa than with ash & May, even with “less contestshipping hints!“ A lot of hints for shippings are overblown. Not just advanceshipping hints, but poke/pearl/negai(actually never mind, negai is under looked & over hated)/amour/etc... are over blown & it’s just ash being his usual nice/childish self. With Drew, it’s obvious he likes her as how he constantly stares at her, teases her, gives her red roses (& says they’re for beutifly), etc... While I think I covered how May likes Drew enough already. And yes, this could just be a kiddy crush for the both of them, but in the end there’s still harder evidence that Drew & May like each other.

Plus there are a lot of canon fictIonal couples who had less screen time with each other than other characters. Naruhina, ichihime, Hinny, gochi, etc...

“Drew never saves May’s life, unlike Ash!”

So? May never even tried to saved Ash, like she did with Drew!

Ash has also saved: Angie (who has a more confirmed crush on ash), Dawn, Pikachu (3x I can think of), Chinchar, Lillie (or at least attempts to help a lot of times), Celiebi, Erika’s Gloom, Serena, Misty’s sisters Pokémon, a ton of CotDs & their Pokémon...

And what of those who saved Ash? Misty, Sabrina’s... family photographer, Gary, Iris, Clemont’s father, Zeroara dude, a ton of officer jennys, Pikachu, a lapras, Paul, Drew (ya keep on hating him if it werent for him Ash Brock and Max would probably be dead in that crate Jessie, James & Meowth trapped them in so not even advanceshipping could happen).

“Rivals can’t be dating!”

Where did you get this bs? Even in the pokeani IN THE AG SERIES this has been proven false. Watch Pasificlog Jam again. Who put you in charge of how couples should work anyways? If a writer wants to have rivals hookup in their story, than they have that freedom to have the rivals hookup regardless how upset you get over it.

“Ash & May kissed in a banned episode, so advanceshipping is canon not contestshipping!”

Come on guys, they’re 10. The anime creators aren’t gonna have two 10 yr olds kiss on the lips. Its really creepy some person came up with this. No, it’s not creepy cuz I don’t like advaceshipping (I actually like some aspects of it). Again, it’s creepy because they’re 10. If they were like 13+ yrs old, it‘d be okay, but NOT 10. Plus, even Japan is very sensitive when having kissing on the lips happen with kid shows. Even with adults, they censor it/show something else as the kiss happens & just imply it happened. Expecally how they view kissing on the lips in the first place, they ain’t having 2 ten year olds kiss.

And there would be NOTHING to imply that they where going to kiss. Around this time this episode that they kissed claimed to happen (episode 357), Ash & co. where heading to fortree. Nothing ever was implied from the both of them even want to kiss each other. They just where supportive friends of each other with no hinting there where secret feelings or developing feelings from ether of them. Theres also nothing beyond that episode that implied the kiss happened. Because if it did actually happen, I’m sure something like that would impact the next few episodes, but nope no mention of any kiss nor do ash & May act any differently around each other in 358 and beyond. So even if it did happen, it was going to more than likely sink the ship, like it was some akaward thing they did because they were “under the mistletoe“ & afterwards just agreed to be friends & forget about it. The pokemon anime was always about friendship, adventure, and Pokemon themselves, never romance.

Also episode 357 is “Take This House and Shuppet!” not “A Kiss Under the Mistletoe!“ The Japanese episode is the same as the English barring names & episode number.

Were do you get such a sorce for this info? “my friend’s japanese friend who talked to the director of the AG anime & saw it!” or some other ridiculous unreliable garbage like that? Give me actual sources with interviews from the writers talking about this supposed banned episode. Bet you can’t, unless it’s fake & unreliable. If it existed, it would have floated up by someone from Japan. After All, even if for 20 mins that episode should’ve existed if it was just banned. Like “Electric Soldier Porygon” was banned completely & only aired one time in Japan. However, there are places that you can watch the episode despite it being completely banned due to putting a lot of children in the hospital from seizures. That was older than the supposed advanceshipping kiss episode as ’Electric Soldier Porygon’ is a Original Series episode in Kanto the 38th episode. No one can find this supposed advanceshipping episode nor is it even listed in the banned episode list. It should be harder to find this older banned episode than it should be to find this supposed banned kiss episode.

“Why should May choose Drew over Ash? Ash is like a literal god!”

What? Yes, he’s befriended every legendary & come back though poketears, save the world so many times, has arua abilities (he rarely uses), & whatever else, but it’s not like he seems that BA or whatever. Ash not aging seems over focused on, when in reality NO ONE is aging. It took him 7 regions to win 1 league (a questionable one at that), can’t remember Pokémon he seen before & sometimes forgets what he learned, & needs saved by others sometimes. Some god, can’t even rescue himself. Besides, who knows what Drew has done on his adventures. Drew has also saved Ash, Brock, & Max from trouble, isn’t Drew awesome saving someone ”like a god!”? Drew also has beat him in a battle as well, is that y’all’s problem?

And where is Ash’s voice in all this? It’s like this in all this anti-Drew bs. “Drew is just this terrible creature who possesses all 7 deadly sins & is the creation of Giratina & thus May hates & so does everyone else! However... blessed by Arceus himself, we all just know not dense Ash Ketchem is waiting to sweep May off her feet & save her from the demonic spawn that is Drew who is lusting after her bewbs😡” (<-original ideas, do not steal jkjk). Like there’s NOTHING to indicate ash wants her. And do you think this of May as well? Like do y‘all think May is just this perfect, sweetest, most divine woman in the pokeani that only Ash “blessed by Arceus“ is the only guy that should be blessed by such an angel? 🤣

Look, I like Ash & I like May. But even with my favorite characters I wouldn’t go as far as to think so highly of them that it makes Helga’s obsession with Arnold look like nothing. And just because Ash is more amazing with more feets & whatever, doesn’t mean May has to love ash or that Ash has to choose may because Drew doesn’t measure up to him.🤷‍♀️ Just think about it, should Timmy’s mom go with Dinkleburg? After all, he is smarter than Timmy’s dad, has more money & is more successful than he is. And Wandesemo is more popular, not stupid, & mostly competent unlike Casmo. Should Wanda dump Casmo for him? Of course i understand wanting the best person to end with you’re favorite character. But that’s not how love works & in the long run isn’t fair to both Ash & May (& Drew, but I know you haters don’t care about that).

[atopearth]

Brothers Conflict (Passion Pink) Part 1 - Asahina Masaomi Route

I am happy to announce that I will try my best to play Brothers Conflict in Japanese! Yes, it was Christmas so I splurged and bought Diabolik Lovers, Brothers Conflict and Norn9 hahahah. Hopefully I can do this! Apparently Brothers Conflict is an easy read because it's slice of life and uses normal everyday words so let's go! Ema and her squirrel Juli huh? That's kinda cute lmao. Anyway, I know the basic premise but it's kinda crazy to have like 11 new brothers, like wow. And her squirrel talks?! I guess it's nice to have a such a reliable squirrel "parent" for Ema since it seems so capable haha. I don't blame Ema for being so nervous though haha. Oh wow, Miwa (the lady Ema's father is remarrying) is rich and nice! Hahahaha, Ema thinks Masaomi is Wataru's dad, is he that old looking?🤣 Anyway, I know it's a game so Ema has to be surprised to know all these hot guys etc are her new brothers but if this was real life and I was nervous about meeting all these brothers by myself, I would definitely hope to have seen or have a photo of them with me lmao. Anyway, lmao at Wataru giving Ema candy for accidentally hurting her when he couldn't stop his bike in time lolll, who is the little kid here?!🤣 Awww, I don't like fan clubs but I do like Iori! He seems cool and kinda knows how to handle his fangirls. Ukyo mightttt be my type, we'll see🤣 Anyway, Ema is such a considerate daughter for not wanting to intrude on her father's newlywed life and deciding to live in the Sunrise Residence with all the other brothers, I would be so scared to live with a bunch of new random siblings lol.

Is a sunflower badge a symbol to show you're a lawyer or something? That's pretty cool! Anyway, Masaomi is the eldest son?! I totally assumed Ukyo would have been the oldest haha! Guess looks are deceiving. Hahaha, Ukyo calling him "nii-san" (older brother) is a shockk🤣 I admit that Kaname's purple kimono looks pretty cool, but dang, kissing the back of Ema's hand and then saying can he kiss other places too?! That's a great way to introduce yourself... I'm so glad Ukyo hit him for doing that lol. Lmaooo I thought Kaname was going to be a fashion designer of some sort but he's actually a Buddhist priest?! Wow lol. Oooh I like Tsubaki and Azusa's looks! They're cute, are they twins? Okay yep, they are. I love them already🤣 Omggg and they're both voice actors? They're getting cooler by the second🤣 I love how friendly Tsubaki is lol. I love how just as Ukyo hits Kaname for getting out of hand, Azusa does the same for Tsubaki lol. Lmao at Ema thinking to herself whether Tsubaki is "okay" in the sense of whether there's anything wrong with him because of how he talks hahahaa. Awww Subaru seems cute, he's shy with girls even though he's a university student! OMG Tsubaki is older than Subaru? I can't tell these age differences lol!! I like Iori a lot though hahaha. Lmao I thought Iori recognised Ema's school uniform because he knew girls from there but it was actually because Yuusuke (another brother) goes there hahaha, sorry my bad Iori. Tsubaki is so slack to hide from Yuusuke that they were going to have a new sister lolll. But his reaction was funny so I can understand. I find it hilarious how Yuusuke can't handle Ema being sad over him not approving of this loll, so he had to just agree to make her happy haha. HAHAHA, when Kaname asked Ema to call him "onii-chan" LOL, like geez dude!! And then even Tsubaki joined in🤣 I like Azusa, so I'm glad there was an option to call him onii-chan loll. I think it was pretty funny how they got her to keep calling them onii-chan lmao, it was nice how she played along with them and got to enjoy having so many siblings considering that it must have been pretty lonely with just her dad and he's probably busy working a lot of the time.

Awww that's so sweet, Ema woke up early hoping to make breakfast for the brothers! She's such an awesome sister. I have to agree with Ema, Kaname exercising early in the morning is a surprise haha. I honestly thought Ukyo would be the one there...and he is! Ukyo is the one who cooks breakfast and all the meals I guess! Lmao at the cute rabbit apron he wears🤣 Ukyo best boyyy! Omg Rui is pretty, I love his hair. But I find it so funny how he's like touching her hair and Ema is like so calmly just introducing herself to him lmao. Oooh, so we have another idol brother, lmao at Ema thinking the family were fans instead of him being a brother, like what are the chances that they would all be fans of him🤣🤣 Aww Mahoko looks like a cute best friend for Ema. Sasakura (the soccer ace guy) seems pretty friendly to offer to help Ema move. I have to agree with Ema though, Masaomi in work mode is nice to watch, I always think it's so sweet to see guys so kind and patient with kids (even though I don't like kids🥲). It was so sweet how Ema so honestly told him she would have liked a doctor like him when she was a kid, Masaomi blushing at her praise was actually pretty cute lol. Awww, his pocket is full of chocolates and other stuff as rewards for the kids! It's nice that he has a whole variety of stuff like stickers and mini cars since he doesn't want to give them too many sweets. It must be so heavy though lmao.

Fuuto sleeping CG is pretty cute~ LOL did he just say Ema is cute but it seemed like she's dumb?! Well, there goes your idol dreams, Ema lol. Lmao when he said she didn't deny it and said she's an idiot, like woww, way to go Fuuto, you're definitely an ass. He's probably traumatised or annoyed with his fangirls or something. I can so relate to Ema's rage, I would want to strangle Fuuto loll. Okay, I did something wrong and didn't realise I needed to go to the aquarium with Masaomi! Lmao at Ema saying all the fish are cute lol. Blushing Masaomi is so adorable though. It was so cute how he got embarrassed for not realising that he was really close to her, and it was so cute how Ema tried to explain that she didn't hate it and that it just made her heart beat really fast😂 Aww Ema and Masaomi both like small animals. Damn, these guys are rich, do they have a villa on an island?!! I think it's really nice how they all take the time out to go on holiday with the whole family there every summer vacation though. Considering how many of them there are and how busy they are, it's good to see that they try to make the effort to bond with each other. They've even got a private beach on a part of the island, danggg. Anyway, I love how welcoming the brothers are. I agree with Iori, Ema is really admirable to even do supplementary classes to help with going to her dream university, she's working hard!

You know, considering that these guys are her "brothers", I find it funny that they're quite unreserved towards the idea of doing date-like stuff with her loll! Like with the amusement park, Masaomi held her hand to keep it warm after she got a bit freaked out with the haunted house attraction lol! I guess considering the game, I should just throw that all out of the window and just enjoy it for what it is haha. I mean, I gotta admit, it's pretty cute. I guess it's not that cute after I looked at their character profiles and realised that Masaomi is actually 31 and Ema is like 16-17? Oh well, I guess I'll ignore that too😂 Aww, Masaomi seems like such a parent, he's sad that his brothers are older now and they don't rely on him as much for stuff anymore. I guess that would be something good but also sad to see. It's interesting how the dialogue changes when you get more hearts. It's like initially, Masaomi used to be like, nah I'm not free into yeah I'm free, and now he's just like let's go lol. I think the nicest change is that he used to leave to go somewhere else after their outing, but now he goes home with her. I think something that's nice to see is Masaomi "spoiling" her, like he doesn't do anything over the top, just simple stuff like buying her a strap, holding her bags etc, but I feel like because she's always lived only with her father, and now that he has a new partner, she's even more reserved towards not wanting to trouble others, so I think Masaomi treating her sweetly is nice. I find it so sweet how he understands her so well that he knows that she would feel bad about it, so he asks her to buy snacks for everyone in exchange. I love how Ema made a whole bunch of sandwiches on their zoo date, I love little picnics~ And it's so cute how she offered to make him lunch next time since he's always so busy with work that most of the time he just buys rice balls and sandwiches from the convenience store.

I'm so excited for their trip!! Lmao, I really want to see Ema's swimsuit now, considering how Subaru was so surprised by it, he told her to wear his jacket🤣 Aww playing with fireworks at the beach with Masaomi was nicee~ I think Masaomi really gives off that great big brother vibe that will ensure she'll never feel lonely, it's really heartwarming to see. Omggg there's the option to stay overnight in Masaomi's room now!! Not that anything happened (for now) since he just helped her study and she fell asleep there~ but it was really cute to know that Masaomi keeps all the letters he gets from his current and old patients, it's sweet that his room is "messy" because of it haha. Gotta love how Masaomi took his other futon to clean so now they have to share a futon lol, like how far away is Ema's room lolll! But anyway, it's fine I guess because it's cute~ It seems like from way back when he was a kid, Masaomi was already mature and stepped up to be the big brother that would help out his parents because they're so busy. I still wonder how he survives as a doctor if he nearly faints after seeing a little bit of blood lol, but yeah it's crazy how much of Masaomi's life revolves around his family. Even him choosing to be a doctor was because he wanted something stable, good income and have useful knowledge for taking care of his family if anything were to happen so that his parents wouldn't need to worry. He's such a good child. I found it so wonderful how Ema praised Masaomi for his work saying she could really see how much his patients really trust him and see how earnest he is with his work. Can't blame him for feeling so embarrassed hahahha. Okay, I'm dying at how sweet Masaomi's lines become. Now when you ask him on a date, he's like are you sure you want to spend your precious break day with me?! Hahaha, of course we do! And now when you ring his doorbell hoping to stay over, he looks forward to Ema being the one to ring it, I love it so much🥺 I find it so cute how he's more conscious of her staying over so late now hahaha. Omggg, he just asked if it was okay to share the same futon and Ema was like sure, awww that's so cuteee, they're practically together now lol. Omggg he confessed that he liked her when he thought she fell asleep! He even kissed her on the forehead! Awww!! I wonder how Ema will react now~

Kaname really loves to flirt with Ema allll the time doesn't he lol. Subaru blushing at Ema having baked his birthday cake for him is so cuteeee. Anyway omg, does everyone actually already like her?? Even Iori said he was happy that it was because Ukyo was busy so she ended up having to bake the cake and not because she wanted to since the beginning😮 Anyway, it was so cute how Masaomi said he wanted to be the first to congratulate her when she turns 20 (since they just came back from Subaru's 20th birthday), and okay, it seems like Ema lives kinda far from the guys?? Lol, I thought it was a shared house kinda thing. Anyway, their accidental kiss seeming led up to Masaomi giving her another kiss?! I feel like my heart was beating fast like Ema's lmao. LMAO when Masaomi offered a kid to ride on his shoulders to see the dolphin show properly (he even called himself an big brother/onii-san) and the kid still calls him an uncle/oji-san hahahaha. HAHAHA, I love how Ema readied herself to have Masaomi check her with a stethoscope (she was sick) since it feels embarrassing and she raised her clothes so high, he saw her bra or something lmao. LOL, Usa-tan sounds like an amazing doll that can shoot out stationery, record, be a calculator etc, like dang lolll. Omggg that Ema had to wear bunny cosplay for the school festival cafe, lmao when Yusuke saw it and was embarrassed lol. Ohhh, there's another older brother called Natsume who moved out of the mansion! I've lost track of how many there are honestly but Natsume is pretty good-looking. I'm so glad Azusa made Natsume apologise to Ema properly for being so rude to her when he didn't know who she was and reacted badly to her calling his name so familiarly. WHAT, TRIPLETS? Them being triplets is definitely a shock to me like whaaaat omg. Once again, impressed that Miwa had so many children and looks so good. I seeee, so Tsubaki and Azusa are identical but Natsume is fraternal oooo. Anyway, I was so shocked that I forgot to say I didn't even think about a wedding ceremony so I'm glad there is one for her father and Miwa hahaha. LOL when Miwa gave Ema the bouquet and told her if she likes any of her sons, she would help them hold the ceremony, like dang, she's already decided that she wants her new "daughter" to be like a true daughter loll. Gotta love it when your parents are supportive of you marrying your step brothers lolll. Anyway, seriously though, I guess that makes it easier for them later on with no parental drama haha.

It's so cute how Masaomi gives candy to Ema as a reward all the time hahaha. Well, Ema not being the real daughter of Rintaro was unexpected... I felt sorry for her when she found out and felt that she would be all alone if her dad told her the truth properly. I feel like Ema's always tried her best to be strong on her own because her dad was always busy, but he was family and she knew he would always be there because they're tied by such bonds so it was okay even if she was sad that she couldn't see him much, so I feel like her breaking down is understandable. I thought it was really sweet how Masaomi told her that he would always be by her side so she would never be alone, and that if she's still sad after talking to her dad, she can always go to him for help. It's sad that her parents died so early in her life, but I'm glad Rintaro decided to take care of her instead of leaving her all alone in some institution. It was also nice that Ema got to hear what she needed to hear, which was that even if they're not connected by blood, Ema is still his daughter, and I think it really helped her insecurities to hear her dad properly tell her that.

Lmaooo when Ema thought Hikaru was Kaname's girlfriend😂 On the other hand, I'm not sure what to think about Tsubaki and Kaname being "moe" to little sisters lolll, but I guess at least they're quite frank and obvious about Ema totally being their type lolll. Anyway, I guess now we've seen all the brothers! I knewww Miwa was going to ask Masaomi to go to an omiai but danggg. Especially since he's the oldest brother so I guess it was to be expected in his route. Awww I love how Masaomi so honestly told the girl he had someone he liked. I legit can't wait until they both tell each other their feelings, I'm so excited!! Lmaooo, Masaomi in a Santa Claus costume looks so funny hahaha. Awww he bought Ema a Christmas present!! It's nice that Masaomi gave Ema her very own Usa-tan! Anyway, omggg Azusa and Tsubaki are sooo close, it's actually kinda cute how much they love each other haha. I loved how Ema properly thanked all the guys during the Christmas party for looking for her when she ran away after realising her dad wasn't blood related to her, and I loved how they told her it was natural since she's family. When he hugged her thanking her for always encouraging him and supporting him, it was so cuteee, I love how much Ema loves seeing the serious Masaomi that dedicates himself to saving people however he can.

Masaomi is usually so tired from work, but I love how he's always like Ema is always welcome to visit his room! I think it was especially cute when Ema was about to go back knowing that he didn't get much sleep and she woke him up, but he knew that she wouldn't randomly just come to annoy him for nothing, so thankfully he got her to not feel like she was bothering him and gave him the chocolate~ Masaomi blushing is always the cutest~ Lmaooo Ema is like a pro gamer😂 I found it so funny how Subaru and Ema just told Yusuke to pick up items because he's weak😂 Awww Masaomi was sad that Ema didn't react to the pink heart necklace he gave her through Usa-tan! To be fair he did do it in a really roundabout way so I guess it's understandable that she didn't notice it, but luckily she did lol, so now she doesn't need to misunderstand that he thinks of her as just a kid. Ohhh, I thought Masaomi was just jealous that Ema was having fun with Subaru and them, but it was actually because he thought that Ema would probably have more fun and be more happy with a guy around her age and that's why he was sad🥺 I'm so happy that they both told each other their worries and how much they enjoyed their time together. Ema definitely was more brave to say she wanted to always stay beside him though haha. Lmao at Masaomi having eaten so many sweets at that shop he bought the white day presents for Ema loll. Anyway, I didn't realise Fuuto was actually like 2 years younger than Ema, considering how arrogant he seemed, I thought he was around the same age lol. Anyway, I obviously rose the wrong stuff and didn't get the best ending LOL. I was so sad when Masaomi was like, you'll always be my sister or something and it ended, and I was like excuse meeee!? Anyway, I redid the whole thing LOL. I knew that Masaomi had to get over the blood thing if something happened to Wataru so I'm glad Ema was there to kinda wake him up to do that haha. I missed out Ema in a kimono CG!! She was so beautiful!! And omggg, their wedding and expecting a baby endings were nice~ Definitely worth me going through all that again just to see it lol.

Overall, if you can ignore the fact that Masaomi is like 30 and Ema is 17, then this route was quite nice. Well, to be fair, the whole premise is a grey area so I guess the age gap shouldn't be a problem for most who decide to try this game haha. Anyway, I really liked Masaomi. He's like the oldest brother that's super caring about his family, but also a bit childish, maybe because he's kinda like Wataru's father lol. I thought Masaomi was the one who took care of most of the brothers but Masaomi got too busy with his job so that kinda fell on Ukyo instead, which I'm looking forward to in the future! But yeah, I really loved how kind, gentle and sweet Masaomi was all the time, and I really liked how much he had that nice older brother vibe that I super dig lol. You can say, he really soothed my heart LOL, like every time I spend some time going through the route, he always makes my heart warm and makes me smile because of how kind he is, and I just really loved that. I always love how he always takes interest in his patients' interests and does his best to understand them so he can better interact with these kids and make them have an easier time in the hospital. Anyway, I'm super proud of myself that I was able to finish this route in Japanese!! I probably didn't understand 100% of it, but I think I got most of it and I'm so happy about that! I probably spent wayyy too much time on the dictionary searching for kanji but I can definitely see the progress and I'm looking forward to finishing all the routes! It's still kinda crazy to me though, like I still remember once upon a time, I really wanted to play this game and honestly hoped for a localisation one day, but now I've given up and decided to just practise my Japanese with it instead lol. It's interesting how things have come to be, but I'm excited for the rest~

[scarlettwitcher]

Javier Peña Drabble

Hear me out.

Javier Peña falling in love with Pablo Escobar's daughter!reader.

See cause, this seems like such a cliche trope right? Good guy falling for villain's kid but like it's so good. Because here's the thing, I've been watching Narcos and I'm halfway through season 2. I'm getting close to the end. I'm ready and this whole time I kept thinking like, look at poor Javi's face when Carrillo is using his "unconventional" Methods to find out where Pablo is. Javi's face when Carrillo shoots the kid who's one of the lookouts or the way he refuses to go with him and Murphy on the helicopter with Gato and that other guy.

So what if one day Carrillo calls him and Murphy to meet him at an abandoned warehouse saying he found something that would definitely get them Escobar. Both men get there as fast as they can and when they finally enter, there's Carrillo, two of his men, and someone tied to a chair. Javi's steps falter. "What's this?"

"Our road to Escobar." Carrillo reaches over and grabs the person by the hair, revealing you. You’re shivering, looking up Carrillo with anger and fear. You’re radiating fear. Javi can see it in your body language, the way you cower away from any touch directed your way. He can see it in your frantic eyes and something inside him starts to bend. You’re covered in cuts, bleeding from every surface of your skin that’s visible. 

“1Yo no se nada! Dejenme ir!” You scream out. Carrillo clicks his tongue quietly as he caresses your cheek. In a split second, your head is sharply facing the left. He slapped you. You sobbed quietly into the large room, all eyes on you.

After that day, Javi is in charge of watching you until Carrillo returns. He watches you, tries to get conversation out of you, but you’re quiet, reserved, afraid. It takes him days to finally get you to answer one of his questions and it’s one he never even asked. “2Mi color favorito es amarillo. Mi mama siempre me vestia en un vestido amarillo cuando era niña.” You whispered this so quietly, he could’ve missed it if he wasn’t already straining his ears. He nodded softly and even let the smallest of smiles color his features. 

“3El mio es verde.”

That’s how it went for a few weeks. You would exchange just a few words with Javi, and spend the evening being tortured by Carrillo or one of his men. Javi soon came to learn you were raised by your mother. You didn’t know who Pablo was until you were already 19 years old. You were the product of an affair he had with a woman when he was newlywed. When Pablo found out you were his daughter, he took you in. He gave you and your mother a home, he sent you money, and would try to see you as often as he could. You didn’t particularly care for him. He didn’t raise you but you also weren’t going to betray the kindness he’s given you. Even then, you didn’t know anything. He always came to you. 

Javi tried to tell this to Carrillo but he wouldn’t hear it. He was thoroughly convinced you knew things and you were covering for him. You were reaching your limit with the torture. You wouldn’t scream anymore. You stopped crying weeks ago. Carrillo decided it was best to resort to new tactics. He’d let touch starved men touch you. He’d leave you sitting naked in your chair, arms and legs bound together while different men came and did their thing. This caused new reactions from you. At this point, Javi couldn’t watch. It was too much.

The next day when he sat with you, he cleaned you. He cleaned every wound on your skin and the dirt from lack of wash. He dressed you in an extra shirt of his he brought. Even going so far as giving you some boxers of his and socks. You were grateful and when Carrillo returned that evening, he was pissed. “4Porque mierda tiene ropa?”

“5Es humana. Ya te estas pasando de verga. No sabe nada. Si sigues, la vas a matar. Si matas a la hija de Pablo..” Javi doesn’t even finish his sentence because they both know exactly what Pablo would do. Carrillo leaves but he leaves Javi watching you. 

It isn’t til he watches Carrillo torture you the next day that he realizes he really cares about you. He has feelings for you. He listens to your screams and something inside of him snaps. He pushes all the men off of you and stands in front of you protectively. He’s breathing heavy, growling quietly in warning. You are now off limits. Carrillo glares at him and warns him to think of what he’s doing. “6Ella no sabe nada. Ella se puede ir.” Javi doesn’t think twice. He pulls out his gun and holds it out in warning. He ties you free as he holds his gun before slowly taking you in his arms, knowing you’re way too weak to walk. He walks out of the warehouse, intent on taking care of you for as long as he can. 

“7No te preocupes mija. Yo te tengo.”

Spanish to English translations:

1: I don’t know anything! Let me go!

2: My favorite color is yellow. My mother always dressed me in this yellow dress when I was a little girl.

3: Mine is green

4: Why the fuck does she have clothes?

5: She’s human. You’re fucking crossing the line. She knows nothing. If you continue, you will kill her. If you kill Pablo’s daughter..”

6: She doesn’t know anything. She’s leaving.”

7: Don’t worry mija. I have you

Forever Tags:  @iwantthedean​​​ @authoressskr​​​ @sorenmarie87​​​ @reigningqueenofwords​​​ @goldenolaf25​​​ @giftofdreams​​​ @winchesterprincessbride​​​ @chelsea072498​​​ @kitchenwitchsuperwhovian​​​ @itakeawfultoawholenewlevel​​​ @fictionalabyss​​​ @gabby913​​​ @angelkurenai​​​ @sea040561​​​ @sleepylunarwolf​​​ @smoothdogsgirl​​​ @carryonmyswansong​​​ @feelmyroarrrr​​​ @evyiione​​​ @sofreddie​​​ @sis-tafics​​​ @nitelotus​​​ @trexrambling​​​ @dancingalone21​​​ @manawhaat​​​ @mermaidxatxheart​​​ @winchest09​​​ @ellen-reincarnated1967​​​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​​​ @just-another-busy-fangirl​​​ @lovebodymindstuff​​​ @backseat-of-deans-67chevy​​​ @chook007​​​ @akshi8278​​​ @evansrogerskitten​​​ @bringmesomepie56​​​ @persephonehemingway​​ @blacktithe7​​ @donnaintx​​ @queenxxxsupreme​​ @whitewolfandthefox​ @riviawitch3r​

People I think would be interested in this:  @thesadvampire​ @mcudisiac​  @chibi-liz05​ @marvel-avengers01​ @themandjalorian​ @gollyderek​ @zeldasayer​ @generaldamneron​ @flower-petal-blooming​ @cptnbvcks​ @gryffindorwriter​ @damerondjarin​ @angelicpascal​  (sorry if this is random, i dont have a tag list for pedro lol, please don’t hate me)