#i feel so bad writing a vent like this because i'm a positivity blog so i'm so terribly sorry for bringing my problems to y'all like this.

[gentlenotes-moved]

(vent in tags)

[lucysarah-c]

how do you think Levi will be with a s/o who has trauma due to sa? What will be he like when they're intimate, and how would he react if she has nightmares or sudden flashbacks and bad times when she thinks about it?

Btw I luv your blog, and the way you headcanon levi. Your arts are very pretty too!

Hi, sweetheart! Thank you so much for your kind words; they mean a lot to me <3 Hope you're doing great!

I think it's a delicate topic for many. The reaction and how each person wants or needs to be treated after such a difficult experience as sexual assault is very particular. I don't feel in a position to give names or anything, but some girls that I've met don't feel triggered by the sexual act per se but by something else that reminds them of the person who abused them, etc.

So I do believe that the journey to learn to cope with traumatic experiences and understand the new ways our brain can react after such events is extremely personal. As I've mentioned in previous answers, Levi is a better listener than he is a talker, so he will probably be glad to provide a place where she feels comfortable talking to him if she wants to. If it's too new and she doesn't feel safe, I think Levi is hyperaware of his surroundings. If he notices she feels unsafe, he will volunteer to do something or keep her company if she prefers it.

About sex, even though I write a lot of smut, I do believe Levi's sex drive is rather low, especially as a Captain. It's not that he doesn't like to have sex or doesn't enjoy it, but I don't think Levi is one of those guys who are into it 24/7 or constantly aroused, etc.

On the contrary, while certain things may get him more in the mood, I think he's rather laid-back about it. So if his partner needs time and comfort before she's ready again, then so be it. I can hardly imagine Levi being like "walking backwards like the exorcist's girl" just because he didn't get laid. Sure, maybe he wishes to do it more frequently or gets in the mood and knows she's not ready yet... so he'll deal with it like any human being does; he'll take care of himself and move on.

In particular, with Levi's history with his mother, the last thing this man wishes to do is "impose" his need for intimacy as if men can't control themselves. Levi can control himself; he's human, not a little beast. So he doesn't mind waiting.

Then, about taking action, I personally headcanon Levi as dominant and enjoying being in control, but if the situation calls for it, Levi would 100% be alright with her taking the lead in what she feels comfortable with, what she doesn't, how far they can go, etc. He may have other "kinks," but he would prioritize making her feel safe.

Regarding the comforting part, I think that's the hardest for Levi because he's not naturally good at it. Nevertheless, he will try his best to provide comfort. Levi would probably try to help calm her down as best he can, offering some tea, perhaps a quiet environment, staying by her side if she needs to feel protected, and most likely listening—he will listen to his partner talk about the same topic 50 times if she needs to vent. In my view, Levi and Levi's love are like a solid cliff; no matter how fiercely the sea roars and crashes against it, he won't falter. This man is a pillar; good luck trying to make him crumble.

I can picture him holding her in his arms after a particularly rough night, his calloused hands gently running through her hair, rocking her slowly, and saying, "Shh, it's alright. Everything is alright, I'm here. Nobody can hurt you when I'm here."

Levi has his personal fears of not being able to protect her as much as promises, but there's no time for him to show his doubts. Perhaps he'll try to lighten the mood a little when she seems calmer, saying, "Nobody messes up with me, aint that true? ...Well, maybe you. I always let you get on my last nerve, you're lucky that I adore you."

Hope that's good enough T-T I feel like on certain topics, I'll never be able to do them justice because they are very tricky scenarios. That's why I have a personal rule in my writing not to delve into PTSD and sexual assault because I personally think those are much more serious and tricky subjects. I feel like sometimes on social media or in fanfiction, they can be heavily romanticized, and I don't think that's something we should romanticize. But that's just my personal opinion and why I avoid writing about those topics.

[bosskie]

Practicing Different Mollucks

I have been practicing drawing Molluck, yet again, so here's some Molluck doodles:

I didn't use any 'specific' reference to these different styles, just mixed the things I have seen and my own ideas.

I didn't feel like posting these individually, like I kinda tend to do, mainly because I felt reluctant to post my stuff. As you can assume, that last piece is vent art; I felt so tired of this all and thought that I should stop doing art or any other content, yet again. What even made me draw those sketches was actually stress since I just keep feeling like my stuff ain't good enough, I'm still bad at drawing, and I should just keep drawing and drawing... I'm so tired of that stress... Like right now, I feel like doing other kind of art, digital stuff, since it's what makes me stressed out currently, my digital art skills... I don't know do I really wish to create stuff when it gives me constant stress... But I don't really wish to live if I don't create... I'm just so tired but I should just keep pushing myself to work harder... It's difficult to see life worth living. I don't even know why I keep trying, to see my Molluck fantasies outside my head? I just feel like insulting myself for being like this. But I still love this Gluk so much and it makes me feel bad to look at that sad Molluck drawing... Like I wish that I could hug him tight...

I feel sorry for posting these... My mind just tells me constantly how my stuff is just some trash that ain't worth seeing/sharing... It's not even unusual that I feel sorry for posting my content... Well, 'don't like, don't look', I guess... I can understand if someone doesn't like Molluck and it's totally okay. Molluck just is something so special for me and it's difficult for me to get into any character, like only if I can see myself in them, which is very rare. Kinda related to this, no, I haven't continued my Molluck model since I have been too busy with 'my animations'... I cannot help myself but I cannot resist his as... tonishing beauty! He is just the hottest stuff ever... I still don't really care if I'm a 'weirdo' for only wanting Molluck, for not being like 'a normal person', since this is what I am, 'odd'. My problem is just that I insult and hate myself... I have never given a fuck when I have been bullied at school since they wanted my attention but they didn't deserve it and I knew that the attention would have made it only worse. I'm just saying that I'm used to be not caring about what the others think about me but I don't still wish to feel like unwanted and that my existence is a burden... I don't even really wish to affect others since I don't think that I'm able to really do any good, I'm only making everything worse... That's why I also sometimes think that this blog has been a mistake, I should have stopped posting any content online like I planned years ago...

I'm really sorry... I wish that this was different. I wish that I'm not ruining anything here, am a burden... I don't know what else to write but I just don't assume that anyone even actually likes to see my stuff... My mind just keeps telling me that everyone actually hates to see me posting... I don't even know why but my ill mind just has so much hate toward me... This is so tiring and discouraging, making me feel like quitting... I don't really know what you see when you look at my stuff since I tend to only see my flaws and that it's some low quality stuff... But I still hope that you can see something positive. I just don't really feel like I'm good at drawing and see the love I put into my 'art'; I often more like think that my stuff looks soulless... I really wish that I didn't need to vent but I'm so tired of this all... But like I have said earlier, I'm still trying to fight, even if I really don't know if this is worth it or why I even do it...

[leopardom]

heyy, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate you and I'm so sorry for all the hate you get for no reason. You're always really nice and I love your posts and your gifs and I really don't know where all the hate is coming from. That anon (anons? idk it's either a bunch of very bored people or one person that it's really bored to make different accounts every time you block them just to be an ass and... idk which option is worse really) has to have too much free time to go on people's inbox and hate on them for talking about their life and feelings in their own blog.

Sometimes people need to put their thoughts somewhere and sometimes that somewhere happens to be your blog and you never know what a person is going through and be it for whatever reason it might be, it's their own blog and they decide what they want to post about. You don't go to someone's house and complain to them about how much you hate the way they chose to decorate it. Just get a life and stop hating on people on anon for fun or for whatever reason you're doing it for, idc.

Sincerely, a person who also uses her blog to complain when life gets too much or just need to let it somewhere where I feel safe. Not everything is fun and games and people have all their rights to talk about their feelings, both good and bad. Your words hurt people. Stop being an asshole.

I was debating whether to send this or not because it seems like every time this happens and people start sending you positive asks the anon(s) starts sending more asks, but I think you deserve to hear it anyways <3

thank you for this ❤️ i appreciate the kind words but also this is very well said. i get that this is the internet after all and people get to write whatever they want, whether it's good or bad for others to see, but idk, maybe i'm That naive and always thought that we can at least respect each other and not go as low as sendind anon hate to people just because they happen to vent on their own blogs because it's an outlet for them 🥲

[bloodgulchblog]

Zita, your opinions are 10/10, would read, have read again, I'm always excited for anything you post. Like seriously thank you for all the content, I'm so grateful for it. Just so you know, if you have a thousand fans, then I'm one of them. If you have one fan, then I'm THAT ONE. If you have no fans, that means I am dead.

THIS IS SUCH A NICE THING TO SAY, THANK YOU!!

I feel this tension in what I do on the blog sometimes, between venting strong emotions about fictional things and kind of putting on a comedy performance where I treat those strong feelings about Halo as the punchline because I don't always trust them.

I like to talk about things and I like to try to make jokes and there's a pull to say things that are funny and mean (because it's fun and I get genuinely agitated) and an opposing pull to tone myself down and take the edges off because other people have feelings too and Halo's not that serious a subject.

But like. Man. I care a lot about Halo. I care a lot lot lot. And that has good points and bad points for me to do it, and I'm glad the good seems to outweigh for a lot of people and that me goofing around and yelling about halo lore and writing insane fanfiction on here is a net positive for a bunch of you guys.

It makes this so much fun when it could have been so lonely.

[teaveetamer]

I am curious, I've been watching the discourse going on for a bit without getting involved and at this point I feel like I have to ask.

What is the desired result here? Why are you engaging in the discourse at all? Clearly this is not a discussion, so what do you gain from interacting at all?

(I will send this to several people, just out of curiosity)

Alright anon allow me to explain what's been going on with me on my end.

The year is 2019 (yes, we're doing this). FE3H has just come out. I play it and rather enjoy it actually. I've got a couple of ships that I'm into, some fanfic I want to write, etc.

I go onto Reddit to chat with people about the game. Now I don't really like Edelgard, but I'm chill, I'm open to discussing the game and getting alternate viewpoints. Initially it's more or less fine.

Then some posts start coming up. People start getting really aggressive about this. I'm trying to have a conversation, but it feels like their goal is just to shout me down. I get in arguments, I get in fights, I get misgendered, I get called a bigot, I get frustrated, I get ablest rhetoric spewed at me, and I waste my life.

Stop. Take a look at myself. I'm literally sitting here arguing about Edelgard von fucking Hresvelg for hours of my day. I'm annoyed, I'm irritated, I'm always in a bad mood. Ugh.

Now it's 2020, early times I think. I resolve to stop looking at Reddit so much with regard to this game. It's not worth the hassle and the frustration. I should be, like, out doing things and having fun not wasting my time arguing with a bunch of weirdos on the internet. I want to have fun again, not be angry. I delete the Reddit app from my phone and install a blocker on my web browsers, even.

Start using Tumblr for more than just shippy stuff, and find people who agree with me, who are saying the things I've been saying. I stop feeling crazy for liking the game the way I like it. I make a few posts on my main blog but you know what, I don't really want my main blog embroiled in this shit, though I want to add my voice to the conversation. So I make this side blog.

Make some posts. I get flooded with asks from other people about the game, saying they agree with me and they're thankful that they aren't the only ones who think the way I do. I think within like a month of existing this blog had double the posts of my main blog (which has existed since 2016, so for four years at that point), most of them from asks.

The blog was initially for me to vent and throw in my two cents here and there, but I figure I'll keep it around in regular use because people seem to be benefiting from it.

Early on I tried to establish a rule for myself that 1) I wasn't going to go looking in any main tags (e.g. the Edelgard or Edelgard Positive tags) for stuff to reblog or talk about, and 2) I wasn't going to go into any Edelgard specific spaces looking for stuff to talk about (e.g. r/Edelgard or even Dimitri-critical tags). However, anything maintagged that was looking for a fight (e.g. a Dimitri-critical post in the main Dimitri tag) was fair game.

I'm not perfect, but I did try to stick to that rule. I talked about things that happened on the main FE Sub or FEH sub. I did my best to encourage my anons to not go seeking out stuff to bring back to me from Edelgard spaces. After all, this blog was meant for venting and having my own personal space where I could talk about my views without getting accosted. I thought it would be petty for me to go bring back stuff from other places.

Moving into 2021, I was kind of done with 3H. I was still getting like dozens of asks a day about 3H discourse. I'd answer one and five more would pop up in their place. By now we're like, well beyond 3x or 4x the amount of posts I have on my main blog. I'm getting kind of tired of it. It's a lot of the same points over and over and over. We're in pandemic times, so I can't even walk away from it and do something else IRL for a while before coming back to it. I feel like I'm wasting my life again. I feel like I've said anything and everything I could have possibly said about the subject. I ask people to stop talking to me about Edelgard. Eventually, everyone mostly obliges.

I still chat about it here and there, but I'm chatting about other stuff too. This blog is still about venting just about venting about more than 3H. A lot more petty fandom shit in general.

Now we're in, like, 2022. I don't remember exactly, Pandemic Time makes some of this a bit of a blur. I notice a new kid on the block, doing basically what I'd noticed happening on Reddit. Going into the wrong tags. Picking fights. Posting things in the wrong tags. Picking fights.

I'm over it, I'm done, I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I block the dude. Most people I know block the dude or ignore him. We figure he's new here, he just hasn't learned the etiquette.

He gets increasingly hostile. I'm not really paying that much attention, just getting info about it from the fringes. Again, we figure eventually he'll just go away if we ignore him.

Then Nilsh gets harassed off the platform.

My mutuals are getting increasingly hostile anons and combative reblogs.

At this point I'm relatively unaffected. I guess because I don't tag anything, so he didn't find it.

And you know what? I'm still like "he'll get bored. He'll leave eventually." We were all like "just ignore him, he'll leave eventually."

People try to explain tags to him. Try to help him curate his experience so he quits arguing with people who don't want to talk to him all the time.

Then Moonlitboar gets harassed off of the platform. They take the URL. He's bragging about having done it. He's spreading this vitriol to other platforms and convincing others to join in on the harassment.

And I'm like. Okay. This dude isn't leaving. This is what he wants. His goal isn't to talk about this game—his goal is to hurt us.

I unblock him and respond. We go back and forth. He stops... for a time.

Here's the thing. I didn't re-block him after that, and I didn't do that for a couple of reasons. First, because at this point I'm still hopeful that he's just unaware of what he's doing, and that he'll acknowledge how messed up it was and apologize. I'm all for second chances. The second, because he's dangerous and I'm worried that if I don't keep tabs on him, he's going to try to hurt me.

It's not long until he's doing the same shit again. He tries harassing BWIIDT, he tries harassing FantasyInvader, he tries harassing Ezra, he tries harassing RandomNameless, he tries harassing Emblemxeno, he tries harassing Gascon, he tries harassing people I've literally never even heard of. I keep calling him out, and he tries harassing me. He calls me hysterical, accuses me of acting like a victim. Tries to make me feel stupid and small by saying I don't have anything worth his attention to respond to.

(By the way dude, my point about that was that you were being misogynistic but treating discourse like it was only worth responding to if it came from a man. See, I noticed that you only liked to attack people you thought were cishet white men like yourself, even if we were saying basically the same things at times. The fact that you continue not "debunking" any of my posts doesn't upset me; it proves my point)

He blocks me. I can't say for certain why, but my bet is that he realized people were actually listening to what I had to say, and having a queer woman question the actions he purported to be for the benefit of queer women wasn't a great look for him.

He's still trying to harass me. He's taking screenshots, he's using my name, he's @ ing me. He's casually lying about me. He's using sexist rhetoric implying that I shouldn't be listened to because I'm just too ~in my feelings~ and he's the true victim of my hysterical victimized martyr complex (geez, you sure a a feminist ally for that one, aren't you?)

You know, I did actual research when one of my anons accused him of being a trump supporter and tried to lie about him? I burned an entire evening on that, because I didn't want to be spreading lies about people. Meanwhile he lets his anons casually and repeatedly misgender me without so much as a passing correction, and he hangs out with people who spread lies and slander accusing others of heinous crimes.

And you know what? If I knew it was going to be like this? I'd still waste that evening and correct that anon. It's not about getting a petty win or convincing people he's a bad person for me. It's about being respected.

So to get back to your question. Why am I doing this? Because I have to. Because I know that if I don't he's going to hurt someone else, just like how he hurt Nilsh and Moonlitboar. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, after all. We ignored him and he didn't leave, so now we have to say something.

What's the desired result? I want to be respected, like I've tried to respect them for almost the entirety of this blog's existence. I want my boundaries acknowledged. I want him to stop hurting people for no other reason than to hurt them, because they don't agree with him.

When will I stop? When he stops.

[sandandlightning]

Good afternoon! If you don't mind me asking, how did you first approach Lucifer and what is He like? I've worked with Set for most of my life and always felt a tug at the Luciferian current but something always kept me away. I find myself drifting back to the LHP after many years and something about your posts resonated with me. Would you be open to a dialogue? Have a great day!

I would absolutely be open to a dialogue! That is why I made this blog- in case any of my experiences happen to be helpful to others ^^

I was very intimidated by working with infernal divinities and LHP dork for a long time, but once I started working with them I found I didn't need to be- both in terms of the deities themselves and from the community of people working with them.

I did not start off my foray into lucifarian work working with Lucifer himself. Initially I meditated on lesser Goetic demons I felt close to. The first 'big' presence I encountered was actually Leviathan- after initially working with Bune they informed me how long Leviathan had actually been present in my life. From there it was sort of a matter of working with different minor or 'less scary' entities and being introduced to bigger more intimidating ones. Set himself helped with this process and encouraged me along this path.

I made the jump to reaching out to Lucifer directly on the spring equinox, which Demonolatry practices often holds as a holiday for him. I approached him by meditating on his enn with music, sort of putting myself out there to see what happened (a process that has seen me reel in a completely different entity than the one I was originally reach out to) but he responded almost immediately. YT music played into a song titled 'fallen angel' immediately and I was honestly shocked at how fast and on the nose it was.

He is exceptionally friendly and very empahetic- (I'm sorry, I need you to know he says hi, the aforementioned song just came on as I was writing this post) and he is very good at helping with feeling your feelings without guilt. If you have a history of trauma he will aggressively adopt you, especially if it is parental related.

My initial encounter with him had him venting a bit, in a sense- it was like he was trying to tell his side of the story. There was a lot of anger and sadness, but never at me, rather a general upset at injustice in the world that had afflicted both of us. It did not feel like some dramatic lamentation either, rather the odd familiar feeling of being a teenager, laying on the floor of a friends basement at 2 am in the summer, a video game still paused as you both got distracted just talking about life for hours. That part of the encounter was also surprisingly brief, before it organically moved on to more positive things, focusing on the good parts of the present rather than dwelling on the pain of the past.

If you were to completely remove him from his original context he would be purely a deity of the arts and creativity, like one of the muses or perhaps akin to Khnum or a less practical Ptah. I make and sell crafts and engage in more traditional art mediums on occasion and he gets SO EXCITED. He just wants people to make things. It is impossible to worry about if you are 'wasting time on a hobby' or 'something not productive', he will always reaffirm that the urge to make neat little bobbles because we can, to sing and dance for the sake of the act and not a performance, is what makes us human, and should be celebrated.

In a way there is a similar sort of energy to Set, in that there is this super intimidating air when they are being seen from a distance, but then this Big Scary Deity looks at you and makes the worst dad joke you ever heard and you can't help but feel at ease suddenly. Set is definitely more chaotic, Lucifer always feels very peaceful and serene, but gets easily excited. I think the biggest difference is Set, for me, has a baseline 'destructive' energy (not in a bad way, but in a, the desert is barren, death is a natural part of life, rain hell upon thy enemies sort of way, wrapped up in a healthy dose of that trickster flair.) where as Lucifer has a 'creation' energy. In my experience they get along extremely well.

Anyway sorry for long post >> hope this helps! Feel free to ask more/anything else/tell me to be more concise XD

[captainshadowgirllostfan]

I'm putting this out to vent because I need it laid out, especially since it's pretty obvious from the Naruto opinions blog which side they're on. That blog has had so much Sasuke fandom hate that legit has no basis to it. It feels like legit lies, and it attacks our fanbase, particularly, which I find nefarious. To talk about a fanbase and claim it to he racist without any sort of receipts is a humongous accusation and I have half a mind to want to report if not for the fact that I know Tumblr won't do anything about it...perhaps I will. Idk. But this accusation is not an opinion. It's an accusation and if you clearly have met someone like this, someone who has racist takes then perhaps you should report them instead of putting it on a blog that claims to be an opinions blog and generalize an entire fandom or a portion of them to be like this. We are not racist. I know many POC and black fans of Sasuke, and nobody I know has ever thought, claimed this sort of accusation and opinion on Killer Bee. Hell, this opinion of Bee being an aggressive black man has got no basis in the manga/anime! He is the most chill black man there is! If anyone said this, they would literally laugh!

EDIT: After writing this, I decided to report that post. It's literally a libel post against the Sasuke fandom. There is literally no basis to it and OP wants to pretend it's an opinion about general experience. If you got a bad experience be more specific and what's more report them or call them out. It's really that simple! Everybody's experience is not the same but to make a general statement that bottles almost half the fandom as "racist" just because of one or two bad experience is literally... defaming the fandom! I'm sorry it is!

As a POC, and when you say something like that, do you have any idea how unsafe, hurt, and angry can make some people participating in the fandom? You don't put something like that and call it an opinion because it's not. It's an accusation verging on defamation against a group of people just because you had what one or two bad experiences with people.

I've had some bad experiences with people in other fandoms. You're not gonna hear me claim that a fandom is this or half the fandom is this just because of that one or two experience! I'd be attacking an entire fandom that way with an accusation that had nothing to do with them

This post is NOT the only post that has been accusing and posting lies about the Sasuke fandom. It literally mocks the Sasuke fandom for rightfully being angry. You can check the blog right now. It's the most recent post on its blog.

Right after the moderator of said blog posts that it won't be putting any more replies because it's gotten "heated"

Because God forbid someone is angry at you for posting libel and calling it an "opinion".

I mean, omg, you got pushback for literally stating that there's a group in a certain fandom that is racist and think "oh this is just gossip?"Oh, I'm just saying my opinion or talking about an experience and saying yeah the entire fandom is that way."

And the negative Sasuke posts keep coming because I looked back at it again, and there's clearly an anon there with an agenda against the Sasuke fandom. And nowhere there is a defense against this. The other side apparently has no say on this blog. And by other side, I mean the Sasuke fandom. OP closed replies because it got heated.

and tbh there's rarely a positive post about any of the Naruto characters, certainly not Sasuke, in a blog that is called the " Naruto General Opinions" blog. What is so general about this blog? It seems to side heavily on one opinion over the other. Right after posting a negative Sasuke fandom post that accuses the fandom of racism, anti-blackness, and micro-aggressions of black people with the baseless claim that Sasuke stans say that Killer Bee is an aggressive black man which I have seen that absolutely no where and even the claim of Killer Bee has no support in the manga so why would anyone say that? But right after posting that, they won't be putting any sort of heated replies because, again, people got anger, why? This person posts about Sasuke "bad decisions" as if characters aren't allowed that, and we all gotta stand perfect characters who do pretty much nothing.

Basically, we should all stand Hinata since you don't get a more inoffensive character than that, right?

Also what is anon talking about? You think we're angry at people criticizing Sasuke's decisions. People have been criticizing Sasuke's decision since day on. Hell the post creates another falsehood about why Sasuke stans are angry.

Y'all called us racist and anti-black. As a POC, Idk whether to laugh or be angry at such baseless claims and I'd again rant about why but I've probably repeated myself a number of times on why I feel like that post is nothing more than libel especially since OP wants to pretend that it's an opinion of an experience that a number of times could've been much more clearer but isn't, and defame an entire fanbase as that way.

OP wants to pretend they care about safe-spaces but they do not. Their lack of clarification and the majority of their anon posts of "general Naruto opinions" being basically negative, not just to the Sasuke community but to many character fanbases such as Sakura, Hinata, Naruto etc tells you everything. And it's the fanbases that are generally attacked and mocked. Never anything about the characters.

OP has a post pinning Sakura and Hinata against each other...

Is it any wonder people think the Naruto fandom is so toxic?

In writing this vent, I relooked at the blog and found yeah I agree with some of the takes the blog has but as a Sasuke fan who feels very attacked, especially when a majority of posts about Sasuke are negative in a blog that claims to be about general opinions of Naruto, I can't help but sympathize with Sakura and Hinata fandoms and any other fandom that has been criticized. How ostracized they must feel when there's a blog claiming to be about general opinions of Naruto, but it's about them...

Like opinions are not...general. A majority of us don't share the same opinions. We're all different and we absorb and express content in different way. While annoyance and irritation of how some people absorb and express content is valid, it's quite something else to post these opinions in a blog that claims to represent the general Naruto fanbase.

And even if the majority do feel the same way...is it fair for the minority to be excluded? Is it fair to have one blog be the space of "opinions," especially when the majority are nothing more than toxic angry anti takes

And again, some of these anti takes, I do agree on...but I'm going to be honest, I will never reblog from them because no way do I think my opinion is just a general opinion especially when it excludes a group of people in the fandom who may not agree. I will reblog from blogs that have similar opinions to mine and backs them up with evidence.

If you have these sorts of opinions, post it on your own blog. A general opinion blog is honestly not necessary...it's clear everyone has different opinions about different things... I mean...it's Tumblr. Unless sourced and backed up by proof, it's just an opinion.

But opinions can be hurtful and verge on to seemingly defamatory when opinions feel like falsehoods, especially when it's not backed by proof. I've looked, and many others have looked to see where this claim of Killer Bee being an aggressive black man comes from, and...it's nowhere!? And OP will not ask or show proof because apparently it's an "opinion about an experience.". If you're gonna put baseless accuations of opinions there, I'm gonna tell you what that's called. It's called libel. Spoken, it would be slander. And all of it is just defamation against an entire fanbase who likes a character you don't like.

And as the moderator of that blog, which frankly I find them questionable and toxic in many ways, they have a responsibility to ask for clarification because spreading lies about a certain fandom base is not right. It's not. Clearly, the blog is very biased, but it verges on harassment and abuse and a hate campaign against an entire fanbase of a character they don't like.

Like I don't think I'm over-inflating, this becomes I personally feel like my character has been attacked by this. I don't write metas or analysis. I've been thinking about it... but it almost feels like both OP and Anon want to silence an entire fanbase because they just don't agree, and they do so with this slander!

This isn't just about the Sasuke fanbase. This is also about every fanbase in the Naruto community. Racism is serious so if an accusation is made, we have a responsibility to answer it and separate ourselves from that or at least if we've engaged in such behavior, to better ourselves for other members in the larger Naruto fandom.

This is just a rant I needed to get out, but I'm deciding to take action. I've had some friends that have been hurt and have seen some defamatory statements online about the Sasuke fanbase and I will no longer stand idolly by. It's one thing to insult and criticize my character, you are entitled to your opinion, but when someone is attacking my character for liking a character they don't like, expect some pushback.

I came into the Naruto fandom because I like Naruto, the manga, and anime. I didn't come in to be harassed for liking a character you don't like. Feel free to rant about it on your own blog, but the moment you spread lies, especially on a blog that claims to be a blog about "general naruto opinions"is the moment I can't stay silent about this.

Okay, I'm gonna end my rant here. I've wasted enough time thinking and writing this, but I mean it when I said, I've had enough when lies start coming into the picture.

EDIT 2: I've decided to take out screenshots because I'm unsure if I should put screenshots. It could be wrong or taken wrong.

[marzzthehuman]

HELLO!☆

this is info about me+my blog!!! PLEASE READ BEFORE YOU FOLLOW!!!!!!!!1

☆～（ゝ。∂） current favorite thing: Lucky Star! SORRY I’VE BEEN SO INACTIVE I’VE BEEN BUSY WITH SCHOOL 😔😔😔😔 --- i’ve got a strawpage! it includes basically the same info as here but also more! and you can send me doodles and such! (i have just realized these are all things you can do on tumblr) (warning- it does contain moving images/gifs!) im aware the formatting is a little weird but i tried to make it neat :) id recommend you check it out!

I’m Marzz! (the amount of Z's does not matter!! it changes every time i type it. lately i’ve been using 2!)

i go by she/they pronouns! (AFAB) i am genderqueer and on the aro/ace spectrum!

I AM A MINOR!! (teenager)

DNI!! if you are: racist, homophobic/transphobic, an NSFW account, ableist, pedo, proship, Zionist, etc. also if you support Wilbur Soot or pusu please go away

(more, less important, info is located under the cut!! trying not the make the post TOO big!!)

If i EVER offend you in any way or say something wrong/make you uncomfy, PLEASE TELL ME!! I am never trying to be mean or disrespectful on purpose and if i have been rude to you, PLEASE inform me so i can apologize and improve my actions!!

mutuals: please tell me if you want anything tagged and I will try my best to do so!! 🫶🫶🫶🫶 for me, please tag things like nsfw/nsft (not counting on it being a common occurrence, but just in case, because some things can fall into that category!), mentions of sh and similar, and child injury, thanks!

PLEASE refrain from saying things like "this isn't real" or "you're dreaming" because it makes me upset. thank you! :)

another thing is that if you are going to make a ‘im gonna kms’ joke please use ‘/j’ or something so i know you are not serious, because saying this will get me very worried, even if i can sense you arent serious, (if i can pick up on the joke depends on how well i know you) please use a tone tag anyway!

please, please, please tag posts about suicide with ‘tw suicide’ or some variation of that please. id rather it not be mentioned around me, thanks! (if we are friends and you need to vent or something, please ask first/give me a warning. tagging it counts as a warning, im just saying if we were having a one-on-one convo)

~~

my asks are always open, so feel free to send me an ask!!!

~

About me!!

I can be energetic and am a positive and optimistic person!!! Along with that, please remember I have bad days sometimes, too!!

I love getting to know people and learning fun facts about them while also sharing fun facts about myself!!

the fandoms i am most active in are: Project Sekai. that's about it. i also like other things too! I also really like Lemon Demon, Doctor Who, and The Muppets (as in any Jim Henson production)!! (I am also into TBHK, Scott Pilgrim, Lucky Star, and Warrior Cats, though I wouldnt consider myself in the fandom) i am also into musical theatere and my favorite musical is Cats!

Trust me I know how to spell it's just keyboards are hard. yk what. words are hard.

i tend to use emoticons/kaomojis/emojis a lot!! i feel like they are helpful to getting my feeling across because online you can’t read tone or facial expressions!! (ó﹏ò｡) i also use hyperboles much more than i should, but they should be easy to spot!

guys guess. guess who my favorite pjsk character is. its the hardest thing to guess guys.

~

I write fanfiction sometimes!! You can find me on Ao3 as MarzzzzTheHuman !!

yap posts will (hopefully) be tagged with: #marzzz's yappy yap yaps ! yap posts will include either me talking about pjsk, some sort of rant, or just sharing random things. (probably most things will be tagged with this. I'm bored and have a lot of thoughts.)

just random text posts or other stuff (just random stuff basically) will be tagged with #marmalade is here

art from after july 14 2024 SHOULD be tagged with #MARZZ ART YAAAYYY ! !

'marzz, how can I talk to you?' tags of posts, (I love seeing the little messages in tags!!) asks, or DM!! I love talking to people!! 'can I call you a nickname?' Mutuals, yes!! but please run it by me first! >.< (‘marzzy’ is already a nickname given to me by a beloved mutual so i’d prefer if only they call me it, thanks!) 'can I use your art?' Yes, but please ask first! I will allow my art to be used as pfps or banners (with credit) and for personal use like wallpapers. DO NOT repost my art on other sites, don't steal, and don't feed it to AI, please!

I'm just here to have fun, honestly! I mainly post art and reblog things but when i have access to my computer for an extended period of time i just say random things. If I want to. :D

this post should update somewhat regularly, but who knows!!! (I am aware this post needs serious reformatting.. and its currently under construction. kind of. I miiigghhtt make a 'meet the artist' thing but who knows lmao)

[yuusaris]

Life Update

My ~*Partial Hospitalization Program*~ is over!

TW: cat death, suicidal ideation

To the people who were able to help support me and my family financially for the bit - y'all honest to God got us to my paycheck without a single sweat. It was like breathing fresh air - disability hasn't come in yet and it was a daunting looking week. It was really, truly helpful, every dollar counted, every charge got paid without negatives.

Soooo part of the reason for my program happening - there were a lot of reasons that compounded over the year so far. Y'all might know we lost Hammond at the very beginning of the year, but what wasn't mentioned was that I have a hefty blame on myself for what happened, and I'm not going into details on it. I had a messy falling out with a very dear friend and my bankruptcy filing has not started yet because it's daunting in the face of grief. We also lost our second source of income this year (another falling out and another death), we lost another family member, my job ended up hefting more responsibilities onto me as well as the ones I had gotten away with neglecting and through all of it, I socialized with exactly zero people, zero times about it.

I don't have a family that's very... emotionally intelligent? Problems are met with solutions and pick-me-ups, not with empathy so, it wasn't like I was comfortable speaking with them - my dad distinctly said my suicidal ideations were 'selfish' and we are not on speaking terms at the moment because of it.

I vented to a friend or two, once or twice, but it always came with the idea that I was burdening someone. This perception of myself as a social parasite, draining what I want and leaving people dry, is one that kept me from talking to people I regarded as friends and also kept me from thinking well of myself in public - I realized in my PHP that I attribute my value to the interactions I have with people. Strangers, family, friends, cashiers. If it's a person, they determine my value. So I try to net a positive value as much as I can. Which means "not using people for my own comfort or assurance or entertainment" - the aware people reading this may recognize that as 'an attribute of friendship that friends are there for'. I still haven't gotten around to talking to some of my online friends yet and - I don't have many in real life. I work from home, and left my home state in 2019 to be with my husband and his family, it felt a lot like they were tolerating me because of him. Even though I knew they weren't.

I don't really have any hobbies that aren't something to show off either - I write fic for me, but I haven't posted anything all year because I've had so little investment in my productive hobbies... of which writing is the only one. And when I don't have that I have video games until my eyeballs bleed.

I'm writing this all out to both shake myself of the idea that this is me infodumping in order to "manipulate you all into giving money in the future" (I'm aware I'm not, and I am not), or "make people say nice things about me while I do nothing for them to soothe my ego" (I can want validation/nice things said that make me feel good without treatijng people badly or it being about my value) or "just wanna read my own writing voice" (There's also just - nothing wrong with that??) or any other bad things.

It's just... my blog and my journey and I wanted to level with the people who care about me here about what's been going on and where I'm at and that... I dunno. That I'm a work in progress? And everyone is? And asking for help regardless of from who or what is different from mooching off people because the intent and the care for those people is entirely different and if you're really a burden, they wouldn't help you and I need to get it in my head that I'm just - allowed to talk to people about things that are wrong or sad or just even ask if even online peeps like y'all wanna do online stuff is still - social and allowed to be asked from me and not just of me and - lots of stuff.

And I'm allowed to do things on my own and talk to new people without feeling like a weirdo and a wretch cuz I'm not a weirdo and a wretch and typing and posting that this is how I feel is not guilt-tripping nor is it infodumping because it's my blog and my negative thoughts that aren't true. And I'm allowed to say they're not.

....

I'm gunna be doing an Intensive Outpatient Program starting tomorrow - it's similar, but shorter and less days of the week. By the time I start, disability should kick in, and I might even be able to apply for disability for the work hours I miss. I'll be looking into that on Monday.

In the meantime - I'm making Magic: The Dathering decks again! I'm gunna try to start an indoor garden - I'm embracing possibly becoming a Green Witch, but it's hard to find witchcraft stuff that doesn't refer to God or Goddesses - and deity-on-a-level-above-me worship, I've learned, is... pretty triggering for me, regarding practicing faith. We also got - so, in January, we got our baby Jungle, and in April we got Sandy and Sandy's training to be our ESA, and I wanna talm to taylor about if I can post pictures but the point is, I am a cat mama again, and they make me feel worthwhile in a way that's not about my value but is about my feeling fulfilled.

So - things are looking up! I'm going to more library programs as well, visiting old haunts and getting back into socializing outside but also - maybe online spaces soon as well. Becoming a person again, y'know?

Really - thank everyone, bumpers and likers and doners, for everything. It meant a lot to be able to ask for help and get it and know that I can just... ask people for things, not even money, just.... for help.

Thanks.

[strawwritesfic]

Thank you for your patience

Hey all.

I know I haven't posted anything in the way new of fics in months, and this won't change that. But I wanted to give you a very quick update and heartful thanks for sticking with me during this lull.

About two years ago, I graduated from my third round of post-graduate schooling, passed a difficult test, and was finally able to find myself a career. One year ago, I quit the work I was doing with a local freelancing firm and went entirely self-employed--which, as I'm sure you can imagine, required a lot of hustle, a lot of on-the-job learning, and a lot crying when I messed something up and was informed that the screw up entitled an entity in town to throw me in prison.

(They didn't, and they thought it was weird that I thought they would; apparently they have the power to but aren't going to enact over something as minor as my screw up.)

Needless to say, it's been difficult. There's been burnout. When I haven't been working, I needed to clean and exercise. So when I had the rare chance to do something with my free time, I rarely had the spoons to do anything more than watch some YouTube videos. I injured myself a couple years ago, and am dealing with chronic pain resulting from that injury to this day, and it tends to manifest itself when I sit at a desk for long periods of time. Last weekend, my mental health hit a pretty bad low--but a long-time friend said I could vent to her, and I did, and I am feeling much more optimistic.

I have been offered a full-time position doing what I do. The good news is that means a a salary! No more scrambling to get a paycheck when someone cancels on me! Actual medical insurance (if you couldn't tell, I'm based in the USA)! The bad news is that it's an hour long commute, at least until such a time as I can prove to a bank that I make consistent enough money that they'll give me a mortgage.

(Last October, I made about $200 total even though I was scheduled to work almost every day. That's the kind of thing I've been dealing with.)

I'm not really sure what the future is going to hold, but I'd like to get writing again. After my crash and burn on Saturday, I made myself sit down and squeeze out a couple of pages of a Spock one shot (I know it's not what's on my request list, but this Loki thing is being birthed through difficult labor, and I needed to be excited). God willing, I'll be able to get back into a little more. There are things I really want to share with you all, and things I'd love to actually get out for the people that were kind enough to ask them of me.

So from the bottom of my heart: Thank you. Thank you for following even when I haven't produced anything in a long time. Thank for showing enough passion for my work to request things. Thank you for the reblogs. Thank you for the replies asking for parts twos. Thank you for the recommendation shoutouts in posts on your blog. Although I rarely respond (because I don't want to be seen as bragging), I look at each and every one of them. When things are difficult, sometimes I'll pull out my little collection of especially kind comments, and they help me feel a little better.

Sincerely,

Straw

[prismuffin]

OwO Anon, we need to stop sharing the same brain cell. I had it before my shift, did you take it??

Anyways, I noticed some of your tags and stuff about your snake and how crazy things have been for you. I'm not stalking your blog, I swear... I just have notifications on..

Please use this ask box message, to rant/ vent about what you are okay with sharing!

Because, you seem like the type to not bring up shit in conversation, snice you'll feel like an asshole if you took up space in a convo.

- Crow

CROW LMFAO not you calling me out perfectly with that last sentence-

yeah I practically have no one to talk to because of my current situation and I feel bad for ranting whenever but I'll take the invite and rant a bit- so with that in mind, you can ignore everything under the cut but thank you for this vent ask!

But yeah there's just a lot happening right now and it's all making me feel really bad which in turn is making me feel worse because I feel like I have no right to feel bad??

Things are pretty wild with my family right now- for some context my family is pretty big with my parents having 10 kids in total- my mom didn't have all 10 and all of my siblings are half siblings so growing up I was the only one with both of my parents present- the rest of my siblings were only related to my dad or mom. Now that mostly everyone has moved out or is living with their mom/dad they're trying to go into their retirement plan and the only problem with that is I'm still here!

my parents are trying to live in the US for certain parts of the year and in Mexico for the other parts which is totally fine but it's completely uprooting my life and I have no idea what to do. I already dropped out of my school because my depression was worsening (like it got real bad) and I couldn't take it anymore so I left it for college prep (which is online and allows me to control my hours and how much work I do) so I lost contact with most of my friends then and I'm losing time with all my other ones because I'm in a different country for half of the year- and in said country I also have no friends and the one friend I did make is leaving for Portugal so I can't hang out with them anymore.

Me moving countries/traveling often means that I have to sell most of my stuff since I won't always be in a place for too long. I already had to give away my dog and now I'm gonna have to sell my snake as well and it's terrible because I'm very attached to both of my pets. I also have to get rid of all of my clothes and throw practically everything in my room away to make moving easier and once again I'm very attached to all my stuff so it's really stressful.

I don't like to complain about all of this though because I think I sound ungrateful. Like- Wow, you get to travel the world often and at such a young age without having to worry about school? That sounds soooo hard, you're struggling sooo much. I feel like shit for hating the traveling because I know there's people that would do anything to be in my position and to see some super cool places that my parents are planning on living in for a while but the whole thing is really uprooting the comfortable life I built for myself within the comfort of my room with my snake and dog and classes that I could control. In a way it's like they're taking all of my control. I feel like I have none of it and in a way I kinda don't.

The whole thing is making my depression come back in full force- I was going to therapy for a bit but then that stopped.

Then there's the one time I was literally crying at a huge birthday dinner for one of my parents friends and no one noticed at all and at the end of the night I got yelled at in the middle of the street because I just wanted to walk home after the dinner instead of walking to the hosts house to continue the party. Random tangent I know but I think that's the night my depression fully came back and hit in the face.

Writing is a safe thing for me, I enjoy it and I enjoy making content for others and writing for myself even, at times. Recently I haven't been able to do much of that though not only because of school but also my motivation is dropping bit by bit which is why after these requests I might take break from writing while things sort themselves out in my life. I'll still be active on Tumblr and doing asks and such but writing full fics for others might take me some time!

But yeah, that's some of the things that are happening that I'm comfortable talking about. I feel like this post is too long already so I won't get into the other stuff that actually led to my depression worsening but-

thanks Crow! Even if you didn't read this I suppose it's a bit better to get this off of my chest.

[maochira]

I was feeling pretty bad all day but coming on Tumblr and interacting with some of you + seeing asks and requests made my day so much better I feel so much better rn😭💟

This blog my comfort space because I know I'm finding other family headcanon enthusiasts here. And just whatever stuff I write in general. It's also nice to see people who love the same characters as I do and like what I write about them. Thank you for making my day/night better 💟 Seeing how many people read my stuff and follow me still surprises me (in a positive way!)

No matter how lonely I feel sometimes, coming on here always reminds me there is a space where my Blue Lock thoughts and I belong, and people even ask me for more with requests every day. It's a bit hard to put into words what exactly I struggled with, but I expressed some of those feelings with this dad!Ego comfort drabble I wrote earlier. (I wouldn't say that drabble was a vent, just something I wrote for my own comfort related to what I was feeling)

Anyways, going to sleep in a bit. Have a good night or day, whatever time it is for you!

[thimble-and-twig]

introducing: Thimble

hello! welcome to my little hiding space. (you found me!) >> just glance at the bits highlighted with color for the most important stuff if you don't wish to read.

you can call me Thimble. my pronouns are they/them, but i may sprinkle in others sometimes. i am non-binary, specifically agender. i’ve had a complicated relationship with my gender since childhood, and i may use this space to explore those messy feelings. i am asexual, and i’m probably biromantic. i often refer to myself as just queer—which i understand is a divisive term, but it feels like home to me, and i don’t intend to censor the word.

in the material world, i am 27 years old. i do not feel that age ever, and i am trying to overcome my guilt in not being an ‘adult.’ so much of my adulthood has been a blur to me, and because i isolated myself for over half of the last ten years, i don't have much experience in many facets of life. it feels like everyone i know is getting married or having children--and i would be happy with just another cat or two or four! i am just working on loving and trusting myself, my true self, and growing brave enough to make the art that speaks to me without shame. i want to become more like myself and less like the person everyone thinks i ought to be.

this is a comfort blog for me. i intend for it to be filled with a wide variety of nostalgia, gentle imagery, and possibly some personal journaling. i will only post the things i’ve written when i’m in a positive state of mind; this will not become a vent blog. even if i decide to write about some darker feelings, i want to keep my posts hopeful! i want to be thoughtful and creative here. i am like a little dragon, and i hope to use this space to gather up art and asmr and craft ideas and advice so i can look at my horde when i'm feeling gloomy and feel warm and safe.

i have been grappling with pretty severe anxiety and bad thoughts for the past several years, and even though i am in therapy and taking medication for it, i find myself often drifting into 'a different place' when i am in stressful situations. i have vivid memories of being young, but very few of much of my twenties so far. children's media has kept me happily distracted during some of my darkest moments, and when i'm afraid, i withdraw into my shell like a hermit crab. (i'm a cancer sun, after all.) i would rather use age regression as a tool to recover from the upsetting parts of my life, instead of it being involuntary and making me feel helpless. i regress (at least, i think i regress) to elementary school age, between the ages 6 and 11, when i was both very sure of myself and oblivious to the horrors of the world and the bad things happening in my own life--and the ways that would ultimately affect me.

this space will be sfw only, but some media featured may skew a bit more mature. there will be no sexual content unless it is an innuendo in a piece of children's media (think Animaniacs or the Muppets); there will be no gore, and any violence will either be cartoonish or presented in a way intended for children/all-ages anyway--think Spirited Away or Avatar: The Last Airbender. if a post itself contains anything i think might be triggering, i will specifically label it with that. i may also swear a little bit!

i would like to say ‘minors dni,’ however, i know how easy it is to lie about your age on the internet. instead, i will provide some advice for any minors possibly reading this: please be cautious in the ways that you use this website. this may feel like the only place you can be truly yourself, and that can feel incredibly liberating. unfortunately, there are those who may use your sincerity and vulnerability to harass and take advantage of you. it is good and normal to have adults to look up to, but if any adults here are eager to get close to you, that is alarming. i don’t mind if you follow or like/reblog, but please do not interact otherwise--and i will try to only reblog/like your impersonal/aesthetic posts.

if i follow you and you wish i didn’t for any reason, like if me being older than you makes you uncomfy, you can message me so i can unfollow you, or feel free to block me. no hard feelings! i am trying to curate a safe, cozy place for myself, and i don’t want to keep anyone from feeling the same way. protect yourself! if i say or do something that is offensive or rude or dangerous if any kind of way, and you wish to let me know, i really do appreciate it. i try to be gentle and thoughtful, but i’m only human. even though i've used this website for a very long time with a different blog, i don't have experience with every aspect of this community, and i may not understand everything. if i misinterpret any aspect of your identity, please assume that i am just ignorant and not intending harm--and if you may, please tell me so i can be more mindful.

building on that, please don’t interact with this blog if the majority of your content is explicitly violent or sexual, especially ddlg content. i won’t yuck anyone’s yum, but this is Not the Place for that and i will block you. my age regression is absolutely not sexual. otherwise, it's okay if your blog isn't totally sfw.

i will not tolerate racism, misogyny, queerphobia (including homophobia, aphobia, biphobia, transphobia, and transmisogyny), ableism, or bigotry of any kind. also, i hate terfs.

on a lighter note: i will be posting mostly things that make me feel nostalgic, wistful, whimsical, magical, and cozy. i have too many interests and favorite things to list right now, but have no fear! i will be incredibly annoying about all of the things i love in no time. but i love my cats most of all, and that is the most important thing for anyone to know.

please take care of yourselves ✨!!!!

[audreyhalessaviour]

One of the reasons I love Audrey is because of the fact that child abuse really gets to me and it's everywhere. I am one of the fortunate ones who was able to live freely from most of it. Sure I had small things like a teacher hitting me or the occasional unjust parental rage but the people who get it bad always really affects me. I do truly think she was sexually abused at that awful school and I feel for her but part of me feels like she deserved it for shooting all those people up but the other part feels that nobody should live with that. I feel our world is a circle of hell or another situation that I, nor anyone else, can actually comprehend and I'm not religious. I see sadness, death, rape, child abuse and horrible sorrow everywhere and if one otherwise sweet dorky girl gets sucked into it by being a victim of it I can somewhat forgive her even though I struggle with forgiveness at times. What I am trying to do is explain my mindset on the world, which has changed a tiny smidge in the time I have had this blog, and therefore explain my mindset towards Audrey. Whenever I am upset of these sicknesses of this world I feel an intensive love for people like Audrey especially those in my personal life but it's hard because I know that there are many future Audrey Hales on the way and I feel a need to stop them but I need time to get set up first which sucks because in that time it will be too late for many of them as well as the Audrey Hales of the past. Also with Audrey there was always a solace in her being dead because I can't hurt her, offend her or anything else damaging. I guess I have a lot on my mind and right now I am unable to really make this post comprehensive but it just goes to show how scatterbrained life can get you ya know? Usually I have one topic I focus on for these posts but shit is really messed up for me on a personal level right now and I need to vent and support others right now. I really want to post about things like heaven and hell, human evil and my roles in the world but I don't want to go off topic of the Audrey theme of this blog so I might make a new one for general use at some point. I realize a lot about what I wish to vent about nowadays includes things about my personal life that I don't wish to share which has made this post a nightmare to write and on top of that any blog that I make would be extremely hard to make without discussing my personal life as well which complicates things when it comes to keeping my anonymity... obviously. I feel I need to get further into my journey in this world not only to really figure things out as I am trying to do with my love for Audrey and those like her. I also want to document my journey though the world in the same manner I documented my love for Audrey for people who are in a similar position to me and need support. Given that almost all of the people who I interacted with at first are gone now I feel I should move on. I feel that Audrey and her place in my journey of life is a complex one that I might never figure out. Right now she isn't in the foreground of my mind like she used to be however she's still there in with the rest of my thoughts where she's prevalent enough to think about often but not at the forefront like back around September of 2023. I'm sorry for how messed up this post is and it's frustrating that I can't articulate myself properly right now but I feel I need to post to fulfill my obligation to try and support those in a similar situation like me and to vent about my issues. I really need to start getting serious on wrapping this blog up and moving on to the next step. Even though I won't interact with it I will try to make it so that if someone with an infatuation with Audrey or somebody similar reads it they will be able to take helpful things from it no matter how long I have been gone.

[the-blog-of-a-bipolar-autistic]

My mental health is dwindling

4-10-2024

This is more of a vent then a blog but ah well. I am getting worse and worse by the day. Yesterday after washing in the shower I just sat on the ground because my legs started to hurt. I sat there for 37 minutes. I sat there until the hot water began to cool. I don't think I have felt this low in years. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I have no therapist and no one to turn to about this other then my boyfriend but I don't want to overwhelm him with my problems. On top of everything, my relationship with my stepdad is shit. Every time I bring up problems I have to him it's either "Get a job" or a ramble about how "us kids have it so hard now-a-days." For fuck sake I brought up the fact we are out of sugar and he told me that was why my legs and feet are hurting.. "They are probably inflamed from all the sugar and other unhealthy shit you eat." Truth is, I'm not mad at my mom for getting the job in another city. I am happy for her. I'm just mad she left me alone to advocate for myself to a man who won't listen to me. If we get in a fight and I'm overwhelmed and sobbing I need to walk away. Usually if my mom was in the room she would stop him from telling me to stay and agree that if I don't I will say shit I don't mean and I will have a melt down. However, she isn't here anymore. She is 2 and a half hours away. Now I have to try and do that myself but he won't listen. My stepdad doesn't care how overwhelmed I get I "can't just walk away from conversations." I often feel like a caged animal who wishes to be free. I try to do everything I can to get free of that cage but every time something happens. I applied to a grocery store for their deli section and when it asked if I would take any other roll I marked down every box. I still didn't get the job. Other then my mental health, my physical health has gotten worse as well. I walked around a little and my legs were sore so sore that before going to bed I had to lean against the handrail to get up the stairs. It hurts. Everything hurts. My legs are still sore. I just want to be able to walk like an able bodied person. I want to go on hikes and long walks around the neighborhood. I want to be able to walk to the store and back. I hate.. everything. I guess it's just something I need to get used to but FUCK do I hate it. I am so exited for the rollator though. It will be such a game changer.

On a positive note: My boyfriend bought me dutch bros today and they made a mistake with my order (I asked for it blended) and instead of taking the unblended drink back they told me I could keep it and made me a new one! I felt bad because I hate returning drinks but it worked out! I wish I could keep this positive but I am also just so.. drained. Fuck. Okay I don't know what else to write right now. I might add more to this later in an edit if I find more things to talk about but for now I'm signing off.