#i feel like there's almost an element of dysphoria in seeing myself with long hair at this point

[saltpepperbeard]

I was tagged by the lovely @ofmd-ann, @gentlebeardsbarngrill, and @daria-meoi to make this picrew with how you look and how you wish you looked. Thanks for the tag, lovelies <3!!! i'm love picrews,,,

How I Look:

How I Wish I Looked:

so i just wish i looked,,, Gayer SDKSSD. and the way i think that look is quite realistically obtainable but it would involve a major chop of hair and i am simply ✨scared✨. BUT PERHAPS ONE DAY,,,

I feel like the darlings very thoroughly tagged already, so if you see this and want to participate, tag, you're it! <3

[forgottenyear]

[tw: body dysphoria (not really, but in the neighborhood)]

[under a cut for length: >900 wds]

I am not sure if I am awake. Kind of in that spot between. So all of this could be drivel.

--

I have thought that I found peace with this body. I suppose a truce is a form of peace.

When I look in a mirror, I do not see a person. It is not that I do not consider myself a person, but that I do not see that person. I see parts. I see the hair, when I am brushing, and like that. I see the pieces necessary to complete the task, but I do not see a person.

When I think about it while looking in a mirror, I do not know what I am looking at. I am familiar with the parts, so they do not look wrong in themselves. But together, as a whole, I do not know who that is.

I have no dislike for the parts. I can live with them, taken as a whole (fortunately, since I do not have a broad margin for choice). I just do not recognize them. And they are not me. They are an odd hodgepodge of bits that do not appear go together. And I do not go with them.

So I think that this is a truce of a sort. As long as I do not know the person – as long as I do not look at the face for a person – there is peace.

--

What face would go with me?

The question suggests maybe the answer could help. But it does not.

No face would go with me.

I like my hands. They are graceful, elegant, full of character. But then, I see my hands every day. I do not see my face – this face, that is.

If I must have a body, this one is not bad. It is not me, but it is not bad. Even the face can be fixed up to look reasonable, when need be.

But I am not the body. The body is not me. It is just the necessary support thing. I do not feel contained by the body.

--

I do not merely sense with my senses. I do not have supernatural powers or anything like that. But we learned to sense beyond the range of sense. We learned to pick up the queues that were within range, that indicated something happening just beyond the range of sense.

Perhaps the most common example would be picking up the creak of a floorboard, and knowing that someone is approaching. I could not begin to know or to describe the less common examples.

I sense sounds, but also nonaudible vibrations. There are tracks just the other side of a low hill from my house, and I may not be able to hear the train, but I can feel it.

[To a specific friend: I was three words from the end of writing that exact sentence before I made the connection.]

Maybe this is hypervigilance. I am not sure.

Whatever it is, it becomes a part of me, as a tool will. It becomes an extension of me. I am extended by it. In this way, I am not contained by the body.

--

Okay. There was an unintentional inside joke that I think bears exploration in this context.

Shortly before “Polar Express” was released on DVD, I got a surround sound system. I first saw the movie with the full surround and with a subwoofer that could probably wake the neighbors.

There is a point, early on, when the train pulls up and stops in front of the boy’s house, where the sound system is almost a crucial element of the scene.

The joke was, “you have to feel the train” for the movie to work.

It was just a joke (at least the first few times my friends and I said it), but now I am not so sure how much of this was said in earnest.

When I can sense the train, the presence beyond sight and sound, to where it is almost like sensing the gravitational pull of the train, I can feel immersed in the scene.

When I watch the scene without the subwoofer, I cannot feel the train and the scene is flat. Without the feel, the movie is a “talkie.” It is a two-dimensional moving picture with accompanying sound. It is for the eyes and ears, but not for the gut.

And what was a joke, continues to be a joke. But now it has a new dimension.

I love the movie and this particular scene, because it taps in to a sense that I use all the time. I thought that it was the surround sound that made it work, but now I see that it was the subwoofer, the subaudible, that makes it work for me. That it is this that is more representative of how I experience life.

It was not the intended subject of this post [I debated breaking this into two], but I think that way that I am aware of trains passing nearby, that I sense the subaudible when there is no audible indication, and that I sense them this way more often than the others, is why I connected so strongly to the movie. I so nearly understood when I first said, “you have to feel the train.”

--

So I was curious about what I looked like this morning and I looked in the mirror as I brushed my hair.

Meh.

[kindred-is-obsessed]

Reasons you should be watching Craig of the Creek

Not enough people are watching this wonderful show, so I thought I’d do my best to introduce people to it. It’s made by former Steven Universe crew Ben Levin and Matt Burnett, so if you’re missing Steven Universe while it’s on hiatus this is a great way to keep away the hiatus blues, or if you just enjoy in cartoons. It’s great for a whole list of reasons, which broadly fall into the two categories of great representation and great storytelling:

Canonical queer representation

-       The witches premiere in the episode The Curse. If you aren’t sure if you want to watch this whole show definitely watch this one at least! It’s my absolute favourite not least of all because it’s about teen goth girls in love. It has a sequel The Last Kid in The Creek which is also wonderful, and the witches cameo throughout the series. I don’t want to spoil too much but The Curse is essentially about the two not wanting to be separated and struggling to admit their feelings for each other. (Spoilers: they do and walk off alone, blushing, staring at each other lovingly, while the kids aww at them)

-       Bernard and his girlfriend watch a cooking show hosted by a gay couple.

-       Other cameos, hints and coded queer kids such as JP’s sister (who has fancy dinner reservations with Kat, a woman with a shaved head who compliments Kelsey’s fake sword). There’s also Raj and Shaun (two very close friends), as well as several very boyish tomboys, including Handlebarb and Turner.

-       All public bathrooms I’ve spotted in the show have gender neutral signs on them which is nice.

POC representation

-       Craig, the main character, is black and has a loving family explored in depth, including an activist grandmother working for the council, a wise and fun grandfather, a supportive fun dad who loves his amazing wife, an adorable assertive little sister, and an angsty overachieving older brother who just wants to be a good grownup who loves his family and girlfriend.  

-       There are MANY characters of colour. There are black and brown characters, Raj is Indian, Stacks is Hispanic (and it’s implied she is an immigrant), there are several Asian characters, Kelsey is Hungarian and Jewish, a persistent background character wears a hijab (I’m pretty sure she was named at some point but I can’t find her name anywhere. She definitely has lines at one point). I’m sure there are others I have missed. No one is a stereotype as far as I am aware.

Subtle neurodivergent representation

-       JP is possibly on the autism spectrum. I’d love neurodivergent people’s opinions on this, but while the representation isn’t canonical or obvious I think it’s good that while JP is represented as having different thought processes from his friends, he isn’t made fun of for it, at least not by them. It’s noteworthy I think that he’s the eldest of the core trio, probably because he finds it easier to relate to younger people who still share his imagination and care less about his unique way of thinking. His neurodivergence is explored most explicitly in the episode Jextra Perrestrial, so if you’re interested in this kind of representation definitely check that episode out.

Non-nuclear family representation

-       While the main character is a member of the typical nuclear family you see on TV (except black, and actually interesting) most of the other families we see are not.

-       JP is raised by his mother and older sister. His father is never mentioned and their house is definitely in worse condition than the others we see. His family works hard to take care of each other. His sister is a nurse and both her and her mother are away a lot of the time, but they both love JP very much. JP’s sister also happens to be really openly body positive. I love them a lot.

-       Kelsey’s father is an only parent. There’s still a lot of mystery surrounding how Kelsey’s mother passed away. It’s a very subtle but important part of Kelsey’s character and comes through in really bittersweet adorable ways (not limited to Kelsey using her “half-orphan”ness to guilt trip a man into giving her money)

-       Other kinds of families are scattered throughout the show, including families that move around a lot, a home-school kid with a strict mother, and more.

Unique approach to fantasy and sci-fi

-       You know how most kids show will take a kid’s fantasy and bring it to reality? Well Craig of the Creek keeps the fantastical and nostalgic element of that line of thinking but never confirms or denies whether the kids fantasies are real or in their heads. And not in a Scooby Doo way where the fantastical elements are explained away, but are hinted as a possibility right at the very end. Instead, two perspectives (the fantastical perspective and the realistic perspective) are woven into every episode.

-       This means there are two ways to interpret every episode. You can view the witches as real witches, or as goth teenagers. You can view Helen as a kid from another dimension, or a home-school kid who is never at the creek at the same time as the other kids. You can view Deltron as a cyborg from the future, or as an imaginative kid from a big city.

-       This is super unique and fun to watch. They come up with so many new ideas and its always fun to figure out what’s actually happening, while still getting to relive childhood fantastical nostalgia.

-       Almost all of these episodes use this to talk about an issue, but these issues can get quite complex and are definitely not shoved down your throat.

Overarching mystery plot about a colonialist kingdom / cult

-       Love the slow burn storytelling of Steven Universe’s Diamond Authority? Love putting together the mysteries of Gravity Falls? Then you’ll love this plot about colonialism, classism, bullying, peer pressure and more and its mysterious build up including cryptic graffiti art and flower symbolism.

-       Even before this arc properly begins, Craig of The Creek primarily centers around the microcosm of the Creek. Many of the episodes have a lot of commentary on society, politics and how different factions of people form and interact.

-       The show is over 50 episodes in and this arc is only just starting to kick off so now is the time to catch up and watch.

-       Fun complex villain(s)

Complex relatable characters

-       Want commentary and nostalgia about horse girls, children’s tea parties, weird kids, angsty teens, young weebs, dweebs and more!? Every childhood obsession is represented in this show.

-       Adults! All the parents and older teens in this show are just as rich and complex as the kids. They are all so interesting and fun.  

-       Want characters with arcs, aims, fun relationships and complexity!? Look no further! Redemption arcs! Revelations! Found family! It’s all here!

Great art and soundtrack

-       Cute background and character designs that make you nostalgic as hell and are also beautiful and well thought out.

-       Sometimes the art design is changed up for a particular episode to portray a certain fantastical / sci fi element. It’s very fun and engaging. 

-       An opening song that’s fun to sing along to, bittersweet ending song that makes me want to cry, a couple of musical episodes including a super fun rap musical episode, and a great OST

Queer headcanons

-       There are tons of ways to interpret the show but here’s some of my head canons just to get an idea.

-       (Note that despite my headcanons I use the pronouns for the kids that they use in the show cause I’m not certain about any of it and they’re kids who haven’t come out yet and also for clarity and consistency’s sake – I’m not saying trans people are not their genders. Don’t worry I’m nonbinary)

-       I headcanon that all the main trio grow up to realise they are queer. They strike me as that weird group of friends that doesn’t fit in with the other kids and aren’t quite sure how they all came to be friends, only to later realise they all showed early signs of breaking gender roles and that’s why they stuck together.

-       Craig definitely grows up to realise he’s gay, bisexual or queer. His admiration for characters like Deltron and Green Poncho are definitely crushes that he mistakes for a strong sudden and eager desire for friendship.

-       Kelsey probably grows up to realise she is nonbinary, a trans boy or a WLW. I mostly headcanon this because I relate to her a lot and I’m nonbinary and queer so I said so. She reminds me a lot of myself as a kid. She throws herself into books, mostly fantasy for escapism. She fantasises and writes a lot for the same reasons. She dresses like a tomboy (She always wears her hair up in the same bun which strongly reminds me of my own childhood hair dysphoria) and she hangs out solely with male friends.

-       JP gives me strong trans lesbian vibes, or to a lesser extent nonbinary vibes. (I know his sister is WLW coded but take it from me there can be more than one queer in a family). He is interested in girls, specifically Maney the horse girl (he even joined the horse girls for one episode). He wears a long V-neck shirt that is essentially a dress ALL the time. He’s aware that he’s different and while self conscious sometimes, mostly just wants to express himself the way he wants to. He also chooses to go by initials JP over his very gendered name Johnathan Paul (In a recent episode he names a ship after himself, calling it “The SS Johnathon Paulina”).

-       (Sidenote if you do start watching this show and I see any nasty shipping of these characters in non puppy-love fashion so help me god)

 Other reasons

-       The show is at times very intertextual and references Princess Mononoke, Super Smash Brothers, Sailor Moon, Lord of the Rings, and a billion other things. It also has some fun cameos, including background images of the Tres Horny Boys from The Adventure Zone, a TARDIS from Doctor Who, and a Cookie Cat from Steven Universe.

-       Honestly, this post hasn’t done the best job explaining why I love this show so much. You honestly just have to watch an episode to understand fully what I’m talking about, so give it a go! Watch The Curse at least, it only goes for 10 minutes.

[the-queer-look]

Bee Yourself

When viewed from outside, the LGBTQIA+ community, is portrayed as a single, homogenous culture, with a few socially accepted experiences which cisgendered, heterosexual society expects use to conform to. In reality, the LGBTQIA+ community is an umbrella term for a multitude of distinct cultures, united by shared commonalities. This narrow view of what it means to be a part of our community can be extremely damaging to those looking to find themselves.

The Queer Look seeks to explore the identities and experiences of people within the LGBTQIA+ community. To show the many facets that make up a person, and the ways in which we express our identities physically.

The Queer Look aims to show that just because someone does not follow a traditionally accepted path to their identity, and does not conform to all stereotypes associated with that identity, that their experience is not less valid. A gay man who comes out in his forties is no less gay. A Lesbian who has had several boyfriends is no less a lesbian. A trans woman who does not want to wear dresses is no less a woman. And a trans man who refuses top surgery is no less a man.

We are here. We are queer. And we are as unique and distinct as the colours on our flags.

p.s. True to form, I was so excited about the first interview/photoshoot that I forgot to set up the recording equipment. Luckily, Bee took the time to answer a questionnaire that I sent after the fact, hoping to recapture the questions and answers received on the day.

Preferred Name: Bee

Age: 21

Location: Lewisham

Occupation/field of study etc: Receptionist, Arts - History/Gender Studies

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual

Gender: Non Binary

How would you dress yourself on an average day?

On the day-to-day I pretty much have a uniform! You will always find me in high waisted jeans, a white graphic tee and maroon Doc Martens. Some days I wear a binder but some days I don’t, depending on my dysphoria and level of laziness… I also always have colourful socks on because even if you can’t see them in my Docs I still love them.

At what point did you realise that you were Bisexual?

I think I properly realised when I was at college in university. I was sitting at the dining table with a friend and we were going through my tinder which had all genders selected (although tinder was still pretty binary then…) and we were both commenting on how hot we thought everyone was. Another friend came and joined us and asked what we were doing, to which we of course answered: “oh we’re just looking at hot girls on tinder”. I asked her what she thought of the girl we were currently looking at and she said “oh no I’m not into women” I ended up asking her again because I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what she meant… and in response she said “I’m not really attracted to her because I’m straight.” I think at that point I was like, oh…. I thought everyone was just attracted to everyone??? Which in retrospect I can only eyeroll a bit at my poor baby self… because it really did take me way to long to put it all together… So even though that was the exact moment, I think that was more like the moment I discovered the label applied to me rather than the moment I realised.

At what point did you realise that you were Non-Binary?

I think it was probably a similar experience to discovering I was bisexual. I realised over a year ago now when I was in USYD Queer Revue in 2018. Being around a community of trans people was something I’d never had before and listening to everyone talk about gender and how they felt made me realise that I had a lot of the same feelings… I bought a binder during the show and trying it on I just felt so like myself? I still sometimes feel insecure that I don’t have the classic narrative of knowing I was non-binary since I was a child, because it’s the narrative a lot of mainstream media likes to use for transness. But I think I needed the time to be experiment with femininity before I finally was able to put a name to how uncomfortable I’d been with it for most of my life. I think realising I was non-binary was a lot of putting pieces together rather than a moment of instant clarity. But I’m glad it took me awhile to experiment and figure out what identity fit me.

Have you noticed a distinct change in the way you present yourself from before these realisations to after? How has this changed since?

Definitely!!! I guess the first thing is that I stopped wearing things that make me uncomfortable! When I first came out I tried so hard to fit into the “traditional” narrative of being non-binary, which for afab non-binary people boils down to “if you’re not masc you’re not non-binary”. I wore my binder constantly, I lovvvved button ups and I wore a lot of low-waisted pants and baggy jumpers. After awhile I realised that it didn’t make me as happy as I thought it would, because even though I wasn’t being forced to perform femininity, I was still performing my gender. Now I think what I wear lies somewhere in the middle of what I used to wear before and after coming out. Before I came out I definitely tried as hard as I could to be the “perfect woman”. Lots of femme cut tops, dresses, skirts, heels (which god I hate wearing… just like so much…) and make-up. I still have a few of the clothing pieces I wore back then, but almost all of my wardrobe is completely different. I still wear elements now of what I used to wear – I have always been a jeans and graphic t-shirt person - but I now style them in very different ways.

I’ve also started to reclaim some of the things I vehemently rejected when I was in my masc phase. When I first came out I vowed I would never wear make-up again. But now I’ve come to love wearing make-up as a form of expression when I’m going out or to a party. I still feel pretty dysphoric wearing it day to day, but wearing colourful and bold make-up is something I’ve come to love again. I’ll also very occasionally wear a dress if I feel like it, but I tend to just wear the things that make me comfortable. Now basically all I wear is high-waisted jeans, they don’t give me a very masculine silhouette but when I see myself in photos or in the mirror I look like myself. I joke a lot that I wear a lot of dad fashion, and I think that’s maybe what I’ve become most comfortable in, knowing that people are probably still going to read me as a woman no matter what I wear (thank you heteronormativity…) so I may as well wear what makes me happy and for me that’s feeling like a fancy ass dad.

Do you believe that there is any weight to stereotypes about the way people dress based on their sexuality/gender? e.g. bi people tuck in their shirts, lesbians wear flannel etc. Do you believe that there are inherent differences in the way that lgbt+ people present themselves that make them more visible to other members of the community?

Oh god as someone who adheres to all the stereotypes (eep) this is a hard question! But yes, I think so. I think it really depends on the generation and identity. But I think a lot of people do wear things to make ourselves visible to each other. Whether that’s subtle things like adhering to stereotypes or more overt things like wearing activist or identity shirts.

But a lot of it just comes from LGBT+ culture. There’s an obvious style, way of talking, relating, and expression that LGBT+ people have developed historically and that almost all of us continue to participate in. I think a lot of it comes from musicians, particularly drag or music videos, historical figures like Bowie but now from lots of different singers like Janelle Monáe, Troye Sivan, Kim Petras, King Princess etc etc. I think stereotypes have developed because our culture is so prevalent, and most LGBT+ people adopt stereotypes unconsciously because we surround ourselves with people who express themselves in certain ways and are inspired by them. So, while sometimes we actively try to become visible to each other, I think it’s more that we’re all just hopelessly and lovingly enthralled in our own culture.

Do you feel that a lack of lgbt+ representation in media contributes to a more narrow, shared understanding of lgbt+ fashion, when compared to cis/het counterparts?

Oh god yes. Yes yes yes. Coming out as non-binary I think a lack of representation was so much of what contributed to me struggling with my identity. Before I came out I knew only ONE famous non-binary person… Ash Hardell I’m looking at you. While knowing about Ash was really helpful to me and representation of any form of expression is so important, the overwhelming narrative for afab non-binary people is that if you’re not masc presenting you’re not non-binary. For awhile that meant I tried so so hard to validate my identity by presenting as masculine as I possibly could. I cut my hair, I wore a binder every damn day, I wore joggers and button-ups, I wore hoodies constantly (because apparently to me that was the height of masculinity??). But after doing that for awhile, I realised I was just as unhappy eradicating every ounce of femininity from myself as I was when it was all I expressed. I think going through that process of experimentation was really important for me to realise that instead of trying to fit into what cis/het culture expected non-binary people to look like, I needed to just be myself first and wear what I love and want to wear and know myself that being non-binary is still part of who I am. And a HUGE part of that process was also finding femme presenting non-binary people, especially afab femme enbies. For me it helped enormously in accepting my body and realising that I didn’t have to hate it as violently as I was because it didn’t fit into the definition it was supposed to. Finding people like Dorian Electra (omg please do yourself a favour and look them up they are the epitomy of my gender), Alok Vaid-Menon, Tillett Wright, Sasha Velour etc etc made me realise that there are more ways to be non-binary than just one. Which is what is so damaging about having less representation – it only validates one path, so either you have to bush-bash yourself a new one (which is insanely tiring, emotionally exhaustive and scary) or you have to squeeze yourself into the one path that is provided for you to claim validity. Honestly, I could go on and on about representation but yes it’s so goddamn important. So Mark Zuckerberg and inc. if you’re reading this like I know you are FIX IT YOU HAVE SO MUCH MONEY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FIX IT.

When you are in an exclusively lgbt+ setting, do you feel pressured to “play up” your queerness? If so, does this heightened queer exterior feel more true to yourself?

Yes, I think there are still definitely elements of performance to being in a queer space. Sometimes they can be negative, which generally come from the part of me that is still insecure about my identity and worried about how valid I am. I think a lot of queer spaces still hold at their core a performance of queerness that can be a bit exhausting? As cliché as it is, watching Hannah Gadsby’s Nannettereally helped me understand that. Because part of being queer is finding ways to survive, and so much of queer culture revolves around making jokes about our experiences that sometimes are so limiting in how they allow us to exist. We are all just so starved of space to talk about queerness, that when we can I think we all tend to fall into the trap of performing our identities as much as humanly possible. I’m really curious about how other queer people feel about it, but I think for me there is definitely an element of performance that I still struggle with a little. However, I am still so indebted and so in love with queer spaces and queer people. I always feel so at ease being around people who share a way of thinking. And I mean hey, I’m queer, performing is in my blood.

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[rtcessays]

essay 5

it spills from your skin

If you’re interested in the explicit, this is the place for you. If you’re not, feel free to skip this essay. Our first installment involves Lise’s explanation that this is in posting order, not chronological, so we will happily play hopscotch as we enjoy. Written as a tumblr challenge, each chapter title will inform us what we will be encountering. In chapter three, we notably make a stop at ‘first time’, with the author’s clarification that we’ll be dealing with penetrative sex. One thing to appreciate about the writing itself is the distinct voice and quality we’ve become accustomed to is deliciously continued throughout the thread of these installments. That is not always the case when we go from plot and character development to steamy bedroom scenes.

We run into some trouble in chapter 7:

Loki’s chest heaved once, and Steve felt suddenly unsure.

"—Loki," he said, carefully, but Loki’s hand loosened in his hair and slid back.

"Go," he said, and his voice was definitely rough now. "Don’t you dare - not now-" His hips bucked up into Steve’s hand, and his legs came up and locked around Steve’s back, pulling him closer, his heels digging in.

Its a flicker, barely enough to notice. Why did Steve feel unsure, and what was it that Steve saw to make him that way? Loki was no help, though, insisting they need not be interrupted. Not much later, Steve included just a bit of pain, and it clearly sparked something in Loki. What that was, though, remains a mystery at this point.

A scarce written kink, telepathy sex, is almost perfect for both Steve and Loki. Of course, Steve is at a public function when chapter 8 starts to ramp up. Its all in good humor, and you almost feel bad for Steve, were it not for his enjoyment of the thing. Chapter 10 finds a needy Loki and a leisurely Steve. That neediness quick takes an interesting turn:

But this didn’t hurt, and his [Loki’s] entire body was pulsing with powerful need and his cock was hard and leaking despite hardly having been touched. There was a fluttery feeling like panic in his chest. 

"I don’t want to hurt you," Steve said, quietly, and a large part of Loki wanted to howl you’re hurting me now. But it was good, so good, so damned good that he couldn’t bear it, it was too much, too intense, too - he panted, raggedly, straining between Steve’s hand and his cock, too much not enough, breaking open between them.

There is something brewing within Loki and his desperate need for more, for harder and faster and manic, almost. Steve seems somewhat oblivious.

A brief foray into D/s elements in chapter 11 is something of a gift for Loki. He clearly loves it, coming apart for his captain easily. One thing that becomes clear about Loki is hi penchant for the verbose is as much of a sexual characteristic as it is out of the bedroom. And, Steve enjoys it deeply. It’s something of a theme that’s touched on throughout these installments.

"What are you planning," Steve asked, not quite in accusation.

Its a question Steve poses to Loki on more than one occasion. Understandably, Loki seems to always have plans when it comes to sex with Steve. But, it does bely his needing to have a sense of control as much as it’s a sampling of his personality staying true even in intimate settings. If you’re a fangirl of this work like I am (did I just give myself away?) the ending of chapter 13 will make you squeal in delight:

"All right," he mumbled. "Just a couple hours." He felt good. Relaxed. At ease. The words just slipped out of him. "I love you."

The world was rapidly receding, and he didn’t hear Loki’s reply.

Chapter 15 starts with tension. Angst. Turns out Steve had been out of touch due to, you know, being Captain America sometimes, and Loki has been left to fret. It’s a scene that makes Loki more relatable, more approachable. Even a god is not immune to things such as grief and doubt. But we’re quickly reminded he’s...well, basically a god.

"For the past twenty-four hours I have been engaged in an internal debate regarding how best to tear your realm apart to find your killer," Loki said, his voice perfectly flat. Steve felt a shiver crawl down his spine.

Or at least, powerful. Loki’s going along with things, mostly out of a desire to be near to Steve, but at times we forget who we are dealing with.

Steve realizes its fear that spurs Loki into action, kissing his captain messy and frantic. Their coupling is sweet and everything they seem to need to mend Loki’s now unbroken heart. Still there is a dose of reality as we wind down: "Good," Loki said, still sounding blurry, exhausted. "I can’t - not now. I’ve lost enough."

Steve’s heart hurt, but he shifted slightly so he could slide his arms around Loki. Even knowing it wasn’t a promise he could make, he still said it. “You’re not going to lose me.”

Moving forward, Loki is allowed some time with Steve outside of his ‘cage’. Almost immediately we see Loki’s self hatred.

"Are you ashamed?" he asked, and heard his own voice slide a little too close to something too revealing. Steve gave him a sharp look and shook his head.

"No," he said at once, vehemently, though Loki still felt a cautious twinge. I wouldn’t blame you if you were.

Its heartbreaking, but there’s realism in there, too. Steve was an Avenger, after all, and was practically fraternizing with the enemy with a hall-pass from the rest of the team. Even after risque sexual acts, Loki is self-depricating. 

You don’t deserve this, a little voice at the back of his mind reminded him. Pretend all you like. But look at him. He’ll see it eventually.

Loki pushed the thought away. Probably, yes. But until then…he would take what he could have.

The threaded theme through many of these installments is the mystery of what is going on under Loki’s surface. From the end of chapter 17: Steve flushed, and if there was warm wave of relief that went through him at the absence of that feral, frantic edge from Loki’s eyes, it didn’t quite wash away the feeling underneath that something had happened and he didn’t know what it was.

The next chapter leads us to a scene that takes place after reflected in someone like me, wherein Loki helps the avengers take down Amora and gets kissed by Steve...and then some. It is the next morning and Loki wakes to Steve’s sleeping form. It is a sweet scene, one that stands out especially in the context of the previous day. Up next, Loki whisks Steve away after an incident while fighting. There’s a bright little nugget for the reader. 

"You know that’s not what I’m talking about. They’re going to see it as…you thinking you can just ignore the rules when you feel like it."

Loki smiled, and it felt a little too wide. “I can, can’t I?”

One can easily picture that smile. A little toothy maybe, and certainly Loki’s equivalent as a smile for the cameras; you can picture Tom Hiddleston as Loki absolutely perfectly.

Chapter 19 is a divergence from the theme of this part of RTC. Again, Loki extracts Steve from peril, and while they argue, nothing ultimately seems to be resolved. Loki ends the scene imagining that its almost simply only a matter of time until this unravels and he loses Steve, though not in as many words. Steve, in the next part, admits to what is essentially a predilection for the sound of Loki’s voice. It’s come up here and there previously, and...well, no one can really blame Steve. Loki gets vivid, graphic even, and it ends unexpectedly sweet.The sweetness of chapter 22 is in Steve’s bashfulness, and Loki’s rare delight. Its a passionate coupling, to be sure, one for the sketchbooks. There’s an interesting moment in the following chapter:

"Are you offering because you feel that otherwise you will not have reciprocated appropriately?" Loki asked, bluntly, and he felt Steve start.

"—what? No, that’s not-" Steve sounded almost indignant. "—you seem to like it," he said, shifting toward stubborn, and Loki opened his eyes to see that look on his face. "I’d like to try it."

Loki gave him a long, slow look. There was a slight flush in Steve’s cheeks, but his mouth was set and his eyes were almost determined, and that expression made his blood warm. You’re not ashamed? He almost wanted to ask, but he suspected that would open a door he didn’t want opened.

(It would be too difficult to explain - everything, from there.)

There’s a vulnerability here that Steve doesn’t realize he touched on, Loki’s far too good at keeping things off his face. Loki at least considers saying as much, but ultimately decides against it. A character as guarded as Loki still needs a richness to him and the author does it here quite well. After Steve’s first time bottoming…

"Wow," Steve mumbled, after a few moments of silence, sounding a little dazed. "I think I…I think I need a minute." Loki could feel his softening cock sliding in his own come and didn’t want to pull out, wanted to stay like this and just have a moment to think mine.

He kissed Steve’s shoulder, open-mouthed, and thought I love you as hard as he dared, but couldn’t say it, still. Not yet. Not just yet. Chapter 24 is a turn from the rampantly satisfying smut. This chapter warnings for some implied/discussed self-harm, body dysphoria, internalized racism...you know, all that fun stuff. Please be aware that this section of the essay may include discussions of the above.

Steve finds bloodied glass pieces in the bathroom Steve swallowed the lump in his throat. “Loki,” he said, slowly. “Are you…in there?” Silence, and Steve felt the first flutter of panic. What had happened? "I need you to say something. You’re worrying me." He shouldn’t have left, Steve thought guiltily, he should have stayed and made sure…

"I am here. I am fine. Get out." Loki’s voice sounded strained, and Steve’s stomach churned uneasily.

Eventually Loki opens the door, Steve finding him in his Jotun form for the first time. Steve is, well, he’s Steve about it.

Loki fell still, chest rising and falling rapidly. He didn’t step toward Steve, though. His eyes were wide, but after a moment he rearranged his features into a sneer. “You needn’t hide your disgust. Are you not - repulsed?”

Steve felt a pang, and shook his head, slow but firm. “No,” he said, and met Loki’s eyes, was able to say with honesty, “It’s a surprise, but I still think you’re beautiful.”

Loki is upset nonetheless. Steve shows him how serious he is about his claim on Loki’s beauty, though we certainly don’t expect it to stick. Loki is too self-deprecating for that. While that is a common theme, there are scenes throughout that easily counterbalance it, leaving these thirty chapters more than just gratuitous smut. Its beauty, hard and ugly at times, but there’s a strength in Steve and Loki that, when combined, is absolutely spellbinding.

In a repeating theme, Steve knocks on Loki’s door to someone other than Loki; or so it seems. A woman answers, but Steve figures it out quickly. It turns out to be something of an anniversary surprise. Steve is uncomfortable throughout, but when he sees Loki’s smile, he knows it's just Loki.

Our next chapter is a throwback to ‘disarm’. Loki is in the throes of a dream, or perhaps some kind of psychosis, (or a magical creation) between hiding places. It is a brutal fantasy, full of a glimmer of dark!Steve, or at least, how Loki imagined Steve would have to be to want him. It is brutal to imagine how much pain and fear there must be inside of Loki to picture Steve in such a way.

There are elements of the underneath going on in chapter 28. 

“A little danger. Why else would you take up with me in the first place?” Steve felt a twinge and wanted suddenly to object, but then Loki hummed into his skin and he lost the thought. “Knowing all the risks…”

This was important, though, and Steve pushed the words out. “Because I know you can be better!”

He felt Loki stiffen, but only for a moment, and then he laughed and his hands slid away from Steve’s wrists. He couldn’t move them, though, Steve realized, and felt a rush of mingled arousal and just a touch of nerves. It was so easy to forget sometimes how powerful Loki was but he was still…

"Better than what?" Loki said, with that playful, dangerous amusement Steve remembered from their earliest days, and then his fingers were sliding down over Steve’s chest, following the center line of his body. "I’ve been good enough for you, haven’t I?" He bent his head and slid down a little, lowered his mouth and flicked his tongue against the bud of one of Steve’s nipples. "Perhaps a little convincing?"

Steve sucked in a breath. “I’m not that corruptible,” he said, sweating, still feeling self-conscious.

Its Loki’s claim of being convincing, however you know the ruse is up. There’s no pretending here, even Steve ignores the comment. To Loki, though, its possible he’s convincing himself.

Our final chapter starts with some bondage. The vulnerabilities of it creep up until Loki demands a kiss.

Loki felt himself stiffen, his breath snagging. Something almost like panic fluttered wildly in his chest, but then Steve dropped his mouth again, fastened his lips to Loki’s bared throat and sucked in slow, firm tugs, each drawing blood up to the surface of his skin, each pull answered down between his legs. He tugged against the bonds again, but they didn’t give. His heart was starting to pound, and-

Steve’s hands slid up and wrapped around his biceps. “Let it go,” he said lowly, and Loki fell perfectly still. “Trust me.” His body was close and warm over Loki’s, not quite pressing down against him. “Let me - take care of you.”

Let it go. His thoughts shifted, realigned. You’re helpless. There’s nothing you can do but ride it.

He felt suddenly, perfectly weightless.

Easily, Steve works his body. He works Loki into heated want, and promises to take care of him with more than just words. The undercurrent of of Loki’s tension, pain, and need comes to a satisfying close. "That’s it," Steve said, though his voice sounded shaky now, too. "Just…" Loki wasn’t going to last long at all. His cock jutted out, steel-hard and thought rapidly being subsumed by need. Steve moved again, as promised, this thrust longer but just as slow, and then again, need building and building.

"Steve!" Loki cried, and he felt the quiver of Steve’s body over him.

"Just feel it," Steve said. "Just feel it and let go," and his body moved in one more long, slow, thrust, deeper than before, his fingers curling gently around Loki’s cock.

He was gone. His eyes slammed shut and orgasm shuddered through him, and he was overwhelmed, almost swept away, but it truly felt like release.

He wrapped his legs around Steve’s hips to keep his cock inside him, his hips rocking to pull Steve over the edge as well, until it was just the two of them, tangled together in the fading afterglow.

Happy Valentines Day :)

[coshayphinelove]

@politeyeti , it’s been like... a billion years, but i lost my original post (tumblr ate a bunch of my drafts) and then i forgot about it and then i forgot what i wrote and now i remember.  so here it is...  more trans!delphine.

the Business Professional suits she wore in season 3 made what was already a hellish emotional nightmare into a hellish emotional dysphoric nightmare.  she can’t even look at shoulder pads anymore.

she’s really bad at expressing herself about anything.  she doesn’t feel like she has a right to be upset about the horrible things that have happened because she caused some of them.  literally the only thing she ever candidly talks to cosima about is dysphoria.  through talking about it so much she gets really good at identifying a lot of her biggest triggers and gets better at avoiding/dealing with them.  but then she has to talk about her other feelings because there’s nothing left to talk about.  she can’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

loves loves loves loves baths.  hates hates hates hates that the basement lab bathroom only has a shower stall.  showering together is nice but it’s not cuddling together in a cocoon of warm water surrounded by bath bomb fragrances.

has not cut her face shaving in almost a decade.  tells anyone who will listen at every opportunity.

petey doesn’t give her hormones while she’s on the island.  so on her lil old people poop adventures she finds a drug dealer that sells hormones to trans people who would not otherwise be able to get them.  she gets pills because they are the easiest to hide in a plastic bag in her bra.  but she has to ration them, seeing as she doesn’t know when she’ll be out next.  she literally never lets the baggie out of her sight, even going as far as bathing with them.

mrs. s notices.  probably because she has to take a dose while they’re talking and the really cool and great mood swings she gets from taking them improperly.  when she gets to the lab after geneva her preferred method of hormone intake is waiting for her with a note that promises that she’ll have as many as she needs until she can get to a doctor and a new prescription.

the ptsd, the anxiety, the depression, the dysphoria, the guilt, and the new prescription really lower her sex drive.  cosima has half of the same things but it has the opposite effect.  they have to come up with a 1 to 10 rating system for how Not Okay they are with sexing/not sexing and the conversation of “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” “but i want to make you happy” etc etc ad nauseam usually just leads to cuddle/kissing half naked.

and a coshayphine au outline below the cut bc *bill wurts voice* i’m a piece of garbage.  mobile users, please pardon the length.  i just have a lot of feelings.

shay works for a company that is somehow involved in the conspiracy some way.  she doesn’t know, but shows up where delphine got shot and saves her.  once back at the home base she offers her home as the safe house bc she sees how unwilling to talk to people she is.  

delphine is treated, they give her pain meds but nothing else.  so eventually she has to come out to shay to get hormones.  shay is surprised, but is overall very supportive.  even though it’s the bare minimum of human decency to not throw someone out of your home for being trans, it touches delphine and makes her really emotional.  (there’s probably an element of somebody caring for her wellbeing as well that makes her cry real hard.)

shay urges her to call cosima.  she’s not well.  she needs someone who knows her.  or is at least someone she didn’t threaten.  but delphine is terrified.  she doesn’t know if cosima even wants to see her.  if she feels the same.  if she would even care that delphine is marooned in toronto or would do anything about it.  and she doesn’t have anybody else.

whatever place she used to pull her strength from, that place that made her stand back up after she’d been knocked down is empty or gone.  she’s got nothing left.  she can barely keep it together when she asks to borrow a book and shay brings out a whole box.  if she can’t handle someone being kind then if cosima isn’t kind to her... what kind of state would that put her in?

so shay lets it drop.  but it is a goal that they have.  eventually, even if it is years from now, delphine will call cosima and tell her what happened.

shay reads up on trans women.  all of her trans friends are trans masculine so she really has no idea what she may need, and if they’re going to be roommates she’s gotta know her shit.  she comes to delphine after a while asking, “so i read a lot of stuff about trans women in general, but i was wondering if there was anything you needed.  like i know trans men have packers and binders and i know trans women have shaping underwear.  but i don’t know if you want any.  or if... you would need that... or... you know...”  delphine just laughs at her a little.  “that was a lot of words.”  she says she doesn’t really need much, just a razor for her face and some underwear in the next size up would be nice.

after that delphine lets shay help her bathe.  she didn’t want to out herself, but now that she’s out the smell from the places she couldn’t reach without ripping her stitches out is getting to be a bigger problem than any kind of shyness.

baths and bandage changings lead to hair brushing/braiding and eventually cuddling.  shay figures out that touch grounds delphine.  if she’s off in some panic spiral, a hand on her knee can bring her back and a hug can calm her down.  they become really close friends.

after delphine finds a sweater that used to belong to cosima she has a minor breakdown.  she details what she felt with cosima, someone who was kind and understanding and who didn’t have some kind of crisis of sexuality after finding out she was trans.  she misses her so much and is afraid she’ll never find someone like that again, that she’s either going to be alone forever or have a series of bad relationships.  it hurts shay’s heart a little and vows to herself to be the best friend she can be.

delphine develops a little bit of an agoraphobia.  she’s trans and bi and injured so doing clothes and makeup isn’t really high on her list so she’s afraid of someone noticing her and making her as trans.  and there’s actual literal people out in the world who tried to and still want to kill her, delphine, for being delphine.  she goes out for therapy and for quick errands, but mostly just stays inside.

shay is fine with that.  so many cuddles.  but at some point they share a kiss.  it’s a fading laugh, leaning slowly in, eyes wide open kiss.  and that kiss leads to a long talk.  which leads to more kisses.  which leads to them calling each other girlfriends.  which leads to sex.

sex with cosima had been a little intimidating.  she had an encyclopedic knowledge of sex acts and experience with most of them.  it’s not that she didn’t try to make her feel comfortable and everything, it was just A Lot.  so since a lot of sex with shay is relatively new to the both of them and there’s a lot more giggling and slipping and falling.  several times shay forgets that she’s gotta stop her knee a couple inches lower than she’s used to and knees delphine in the balls.  which delphine is adamant didn’t really hurt that much but her voice is so strained it gives her away.

they go on like this, but then shay gets word through work that cosima has been taken or has gone to neolution island.  delphine is beside herself.  she could die there, shay!!  so shay makes sure she is returned safely to toronto.  after a long hard talk, delphine decides that she would be okay with seeing her for a talk.

cosima takes it as well as you would assume anyone would.  she thought delphine was dead but she’s been around the corner the whole time?  and then she finds out that she’s been here, in a love den with shay [SHAY???] the entire time, while cosima was scared and alone and flirting with disease ridden bots.  she says things she immediately regrets, delphine cries, and they both see the scary dangerous side of shay that they knew existed but had never experienced when she kicks her out.

since that was literally a nightmare that delphine had on a regular basis, she’s a lil messed up from that.  she’s withdrawn and goes back to sleeping on the couch.  there’s a guilt that she just can’t get rid of.  ‘i should have called her.’  ‘i should have gone straight to her.’  ‘it was selfish to take care of myself.’ etc etc.

shay can’t get through to her so she contacts cosima and is all scary saying, “i don’t care if you’re lying, but you go and you apologize and say that it was a good thing for her to prioritize herself bc i’m afraid she’s gonna hurt herself and she’s not listening to me when i say it.”

that is Not what cosima wanted so she goes back and talks to delphine.  they talk about p much everything while shay is in the room bc “i’m going to tell her everything anyway.”  it’s emotional and awkward and so cathartic.  they finally know the truth about what happened and they finally know how the other felt and why and how and everything they ever had questions about.  as cosima is leaving, delphine asks if she can see her again.

and thus buds a friendship.

but it’s killing cosima.  with her time alone she realized that there were really only two people she could see herself dating.  and they’re dating each other.  and they have a better and stronger relationship than she had ever had with either of them.

she accepts her fate.  she knows she’s never gonna be more than their maid of honor.  the best friend.  auntie cosima.  the wing man.  she knows she’s probably never gonna date seriously again.  she’s just going to have a string of hookups but nothing more.  she knows this.  she’s just.  really depressed about it.

shay finds out.  probably through a melodramatic encounter in the hallway as shay comes home from work and cosima leaves.

and then shay has this soft spot for cosima.  and delphine for sure still loves cosima.  and it’s just this little triangle of unresolved feelings.

i can’t decide who brings up polyamory.  it’s never cosima bc she would never do it.  but if delphine did suggest it, it would be bc she wants to make cosima happy.  if shay did it it would be to make them both happy. 

and then it would be just a delphine-centric polyamorous vee.  and cosima is a little afraid of, very aware of shay.  and shay is the one who suggests closing the relationship into a triad.

potential for sarcoshayphine but this is already so long and yeah.... anyways always please talk to me about trans!delphine