#i feel like ive made so many steps in my self worth especially these past couple of months

[mikeyflippinway]

hi sorry i keep coming back and vanishing all the time ily all and am trying to be active again LOL

[the-last-kenobi]

Most of your fics absolutely destroyed me emotionally so, on my own risk, may I request #13 “You shouldn’t be this easy to carry" with Qui-Gon and padawan Obi-Wan? Thank you!

Ohhh I’m happy to write this one! Thank you! (Always pleased to hear I’ve emotionally wrecked innocent people lol)

From this various prompts list.

_

Qui-Gon descended the ramp of his ship with something less than his usual grace, his expression was rather sour. Other than that, he looked his usual self, untidy but comfortable and serene.

He waved to the attendant heading towards the ship, and bowed to a small mechanic droid that squeaked with excitement, ran in circles around him, and then darted off after the attendant.

Qui-Gon chuckled. He paused to take a deep breath, tasting the metallic scent of Coruscant on the air, but also the warm and familiar notes of the Temple, of home. It was good to be back. Tedious diplomatic assignments that ran well overtime were nothing worth dwelling on, especially when it was done alone.

“Master Jinn!” a warm voice called.

He turned his head and saw Shaak Ti walking towards him, a smile on her lovely face with its striking colors.

“Knight Ti,” he greeted her. “How are you?”

“I’m well,” she answered. “I’m just about to depart to Alderaan; it’s a royal wedding and I’m the token Jedi invitee,” she informed him, but there was no offense in her voice. Alderaan was well known to be genuinely welcoming, and had been more than courteous in their dealings with the Order for centuries on end.

“Enjoy it,” Qui-Gon advised her. “Weddings are rarely something you’d like to miss.”

“I will,” she promised. “Oh, is your Padawan around? I was hoping to catch him when he returned, he forgot to sign off on his departure notice and was scheduled for three shifts in the crèche, which he obviously missed.”

Qui-Gon’s head tilted to one side, and he frowned.

It was obvious that Shaak Ti believed that Obi-Wan had accompanied him on his mission, which had in fact been a solo assignment. The twenty-one-year-old Padawan had remained behind for class rotations.

And Obi-Wan had never missed... well, anything. He was notoriously early for everything, beyond punctual. It was almost annoying.

Perhaps he’d finally slipped into a belated teenage fit of laziness, or he’d fallen so behind on class work that he’d forgotten about the crèche. Both would be extremely out of character, but one instance of this in nearly nine years of training could perhaps be excused.

Shaak Ti was waiting for an answer.

“I’ll talk to him,” he promised, revealing nothing. “Thank you for letting me know. I had no idea.”

She waved it off. “These things happen. You have a good student on your hands; he’s easily forgiven.”

Qui-Gon smiled.

~

The door to their quarters opened for him with a casual wave of the hand. Jedi did not lock their doors often; privacy was an understood thing, something not casually breached. No Jedi would enter another’s rooms without first asking permission.

He wasn’t sure what he expected.

Obi-Wan in the common area, reading.

Or Obi-Wan out and about, somewhere off with some of his more trouble making friends. (Quinlan Vos.)

He was not expecting to find Obi-Wan huddled in the corner of their kitchenette, half-hidden in his cloak, knees drawn up under his chin, crying.

Obi-Wan saw him enter and flinched away, shuddering.

Qui-Gon stared.

The entire scene was so unexpected, so wrong, that for a full five seconds he simply stood there, unable to process it. Obi-Wan had buried his face in his knees and was attempting to stifle his tears, seemingly by holding his breath, which was only making him shake harder.

Qui-Gon jolted out of his paralysis and stepped nearer, dropping onto one knee, sensing that looming over his Padawan was not going to help.

“Padawan?” he asked cautiously.

Obi-Wan looked up reluctantly. His face was a sickly grey; his cheeks were bright red and his blue eyes were feverish. They darted around, seeming to fix on nothing.

“Obi-Wan,” the Master tried again, warily reaching out a hand and resting it on top of one of Obi-Wan’s, clenched around his knee.

Obi-Wan took a rattling breath, more tears spilling down his cheeks. “...What... day is it...?” he gasped.

Qui-Gon’s chest tightened with something close to terror. What in all the galaxy was going on here?

“It’s the 29th,” he said gently. “Taungsday. I returned a day late from my solo mission. Do you remember that?”

Obi-Wan’s tears had increased throughout the brief speech. “Y-yes.”

“All right,” said Qui-Gon, struggling to remain as calm and patient as possible. “All right. Can you tell me what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Obi-Wan shook his head, his expression crumbling. Suddenly he very much resembled the boy Qui-Gon had met on Bandomeer, uncertain and frightened, although even then he had not cried. This was different.

“Are you sure?” Qui-Gon pressed.

Obi-Wan nodded, strangling a loud sob by clapping one hand over his mouth. He said something, but of course it was impossible to understand behind his clamped fingers.

“What?” asked his Master.

“...so...stupid,” Obi-Wan burst out angrily through his tears. “I just... don’t feel well.”

“Don’t feel well?” Qui-Gon stared at his apprentice in confusion. “You’re sick? Obi-Wan, why didn’t you just go to the Halls?”

Obi-Wan shuddered. More tears slid down over his flushed cheeks. “I...I...I fell,” he said, sounding deeply uncertain. “I was working, and it was late, and I fell. I think I fell. I can’t walk. I can barely move. I don’t know how long it’s been—”

Qui-Gon was already moving, alarm ringing in his head like sirens. In two seconds he had Obi-Wan in his arms, cradled like a child, his head resting under Qui-Gon’s chin.

“You shouldn’t be this easy to carry,” he said tensely. “You haven’t had anything to eat or drink since you fell?”

“Some... some water,” Obi-Wan murmured. His skin was blazing hot against Qui-Gon’s, a sick and feverish heat. He had stopped crying — his tears seemed to have stemmed from a combination of confusion and shame, not pain — but he seemed on the verge of passing out. “I... I got some water... don’t remember when...”

“Stay awake,” Qui-Gon ordered. He was striding down the hallways, ignoring the few bystanders who watched them pass with bewilderment and concern. He did send a grateful nod to one young woman who raised her comm in her hand at him, asking a silent question, and at his gesture raised it to her lips and murmured ‘Tell the Healers that Master Jinn is bringing in his Padawan. Have someone ready.’

Obi-Wan murmured something vague.

“Stay awake,” insisted Qui-Gon. “Don’t fall asleep.”

Obi-Wan moaned but nodded, forcing his eyes to stay open. “I...I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” The words came out harsh and insincere in Qui-Gon’s urgency, and he realized it, because he dropped a swift kiss to the top of the fevered head in apology. Obi-Wan relaxed ever so slightly.

They arrived in the Halls of Healing and were immediately received by a Healer and his apprentice, who had Obi-Wan safely tucked in a bed and monitored in less than two minutes. Obi-Wan had closed his eyes against the bright light and seemed in danger of falling asleep again.

“Stay awake just a little longer, Padawan Kenobi,” the Healer instructed kindly. “I’m fairly sure of your diagnosis but I have to be more certain before I can administer treatment. Then you can sleep.”

“Yes, Healer,” rasped the young man.

Qui-Gon watched from the wall, his hands tucked deep in his sleeves to hide how they trembled. The shock of the last quarter hour was setting in, and he scrambled to keep his wits about him, worried about what this diagnosis might be. He still remembered Obi-Wan’s confusion about the day, his bewildered tears, and that memory was not going to be going away anytime soon.

He had been far too light in his arms.

Just how long had Obi-Wan been trapped in their rooms, unable to call for help and too confused to figure out a way around that? How long had he gone without eating and sleeping?

He found out.

An hour later, Obi-Wan was fast asleep, hooked up to an IV and blissfully pain-free due to a dose of pills he had managed to swallow. The Healer turned to Qui-Gon with a weary smile.

“You’re all right?” he asked.

“I’m fine. I’ve just returned from a mission, but I wasn’t hurt.”

“That’s good to know. I was asking about shock, however,” the Healer said gently. “I know this can’t have been a pleasant homecoming.”

Qui-Gon’s throat tightened, but he said nothing.

The Healer seemed to understand. “Obi-Wan has contracted a strain of the flu,” he explained, moving past the brief surge of emotion. “As you know, most strains of the flu are easily combated these days and many species have evolved or inoculated to the point where it’s hardly a concern. But sometimes the flu is stronger. In this case, it’s clear that it’s job was made easy. I don’t think Padawan Kenobi was eating or sleeping properly before the sickness began to set in. It would explain the severity of his malnutrition, and his confusion.”

Qui-Gon’s eyes flickered to the bed where Obi-Wan was sleeping, the fever still burning in his cheeks.

“...How long?” he asked.

“A few days at most,” the Healer said. “But I suspect it’s a habit that’s related to stress and overwork. Does Obi-Wan struggle with stress or insomnia?”

The Master hesitated a moment, opening his mouth to deny it, and then stopping to think better of it.

“...Maybe,” he admitted. The hesitation stung. Shouldn’t he know? “He’s very private with his habits when we’re in Temple. He prefers to study alone in his room, and we usually only manage to share one meal a day during his busier semesters, if that.”

The Healer nodded. He didn’t look or sound at all accusatory when he said, “That’s understandable. I’m going to suggest keeping a closer eye on that. Don’t force him out of his comfort zone, at least not right away, but make sure he understands that three square meals — or better yet, a light meal or snack every two or three hours — is expected of him. As is sleep.”

Qui-Gon nodded, his throat tightening again to the point of pain.

“Rest easy, Master Jinn,” said the Healer, briefly laying a supportive hand on the taller Jedi’s shoulder. “He’ll pull through this. The illness, and everything else. I believe it’s nothing more than a bad habit formed from good intentions. There are crueler demons out there.”

“Yes, I know,” said Qui-Gon. And he did know. One didn’t reach Jedi Mastery without learning the galaxy for what it was.

But he didn’t think he would ever quite move past the shock of today, of carrying his adult apprentice in his arms, sick to the point of tears and helplessness, and then discovering that he could possibly have prevented this if he had paid a little more attention to Obi-Wan’s work habits.

Well. They would, as the Healer said, overcome this.

Qui-Gon drew up a chair to the side of the bed, resolving to wait until Obi-Wan woke, and slowly reached out and set his hand next to his Padawan’s. After a moment, Obi-Wan stirred, and even in his sleep he gave a contented sigh and shifted his hand, his fingers searching blindly for his Master’s hand. Qui-Gon took it and held it tightly.

They had overcome so many things in nearly a decade together.

They could handle this.

And besides, Qui-Gon told himself, even after Obi-Wan was Knighted, he would always be here to watch his back.

He would never abandon Obi-Wan.

_

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[angelicspaceprince]

Dewey x Crafter Reader Headcanons

Ive fallen down a rabbit hole of crafting and I can't get up. Help me. I write hcs to help save my soul

I'll also edit when I have computer access so then there is a read more button or whatever they're called, I can't find it on mobile

Wrote directly onto the tumblr app so if there are any mistakes that's why. No betas, we die by our spelling and grammar mistakes here

You were a crafter before you met Dewey, having taken up most crafts by the time you were 17

Sewing, needlepoint, embroidery, cross stitch, knitting, crocheting

You'd experimented with them all and even though each one had its merits, you definitely had your favourites

Then life happened. You had to start working, unable to attend college, and soon you had no time to craft. If you were awake, you were working

Mostly low paying jobs to cover rent, bills etc, taking on as many shifts as possible

It was actually during one of your shifts you met Dewey

You started working at a local music shop, mostly serving and organising CDs when a very excited Dewey rocked up, wanting to find the newest release for one of his favourite bands

You got to talking and realised that you had similar music tastes and, even though you really wanted to get to know him more, you had to remain professional. You were still on the clock

Luckily for you, however, you were invited to go see a group of local bands performing to celebrate your friend's birthday

You recognized Dewey the moment he stepped on stage and was in awe at his musical skill

You figured it'd be weird to go up to him and start talking because a) if he didn't recognize you then having a stranger come up to you and say that you remembered him from work would be odd and b) if he DID recognize you from work that'd be even odder

You didn't want to give off stalker vibes, so you stayed at the bar, content just to leave it

Dewey, however, saw you in the crowd and had a different plan in mind

Still riding the adrenaline high from being on stage, he walked straight up to you

"I don't know if you remember me, bu-"

"I remember you."

"Oh."

You both blushed heavily as you shift in your seat. "Drink?" You offered. "I....I liked talking to you earlier, I'd like to talk some more."

Dewey positively beamed at that, sitting down next to you as you effectively start ignoring your friend's birthday party celebrations in favour of talking to the man in front of you

The rest, as they say, was history

You ended up dating pretty quickly after you first met, moving in with each other after only dating for 6 months

It was an accident, you had your power cut off (again) and it was the middle of winter. Dewey offered you a warm place to stay temporarily and after 4 weeks of looking for a new apartment, he just said "you're already living here, just move in with me."

It made things easier, now there were two people contributing to bills

Rent was never paid in full, but something was always sent in

Patty wasn't impressed by that but Ned wasn't as fussed, just happy to have something coming in

It helped that he really liked you and felt that you were a good fit for Dewey

Even though things still remained tough, you were happy just to have a roof over your head and someone who loved you

When Dewey started working for Horace Green, things became easier

Bills were paid with his paycheck, yours became groceries and fuel money

Even then, for the first time in a long time, you had spare cash

Most went into savings but being able to afford your own Netflix account? Felt amazing

Despite having a bit of extra money, some habits were hard to break.

You rarely bought clothing from anywhere but thrift stores and Walmart, Dewey prefering Walmart but essentially doing the same thing

Unfortunately, that meant the clothing you had bought wasn't always the best of quaility, especially when Dewey was the one wearing it

Just the nature of his jumpy, clutzy, accident prone and slightly messy self meant you were constantly buying him new shirts and mending his sweater vests

To be honest, it was getting old

You'd also been missing crafting for a while so. Two birds, one stone

The next time you were in Walmart alone, you grabbed yarn and knitting needles and on the few days a week you were home alone, slowly you started to knit him some new sweater vests, using an old one that was beyond repair as the template to make sure each one fit

The first one was just a plain, fadded red to get yourself back into practice before slowly beginning to add simple designs similar to the few he owned now

Then a couple of weird themed ones, a couple of his favourite bands, one with music notes in the design, one that was birthday themed, one with mini guitars, whatever amused you and you thought would amuse him, you knitted onto the sweater

Each vest took three weeks to make. By the time his birthday came around, you had made him ten new vests, having kept it a secret the entire time

You were super nervous when he opened up his present, but the giant smile on his face was worth it, excited with the concert tickets you managed to get for the two of you (in the pit, of course) and with each new sweater, he got more and more excited

"These are amazing babe! Where did you get them?" He asked as he got up to try his favourite (the one with a replica of his Gibson knitted around the bottom) on

You go quiet. "I....uh.....I made them."

He looked over at you like you just admitted you had found a cure for cancer

You'd neglected to tell him of your crafting past, it never came up so you never said

Now, however, he was keen to see you craft

He never even dared to try it out for himself, but enjoyed watching you knit or crochet without looking at your work, watching TV or chatting to Dewey as you just continued to work

Every year, he got at least two sweaters from you, and you made sure to knit a sensible one and a silly one

What amazed you was the fact that Dewey seemed to have fewer accidents

He took extra special care of all of the stuff you make him, never spilling so much as a drop of coffee on them and tried his best not to get them snagged on the one sharp part of the doorway into his office

One day he came home, nearly in tears

You were folding up laundry but you dropped everything and came rushing over, thinking the absolute worst but instead he simply pushed something into your hands and said "I'm so sorry"

Turns out, he took off his vest when he came in to play a song with the kindergartners, something he now does daily as part of his role as music teacher

He didn't notice one of the kids grabbing it and wandering off with it

It was covered in paint, one of the Gibsons were cut out and the yarn was beginning to unravel, despite clear attempts to keep it from doing so

It was ruined

You hush Dewey as you pull him close and reassure him it's ok, you can make him another one

It took a while to settle him, he treasured everything you made him and he allowed one to get ruined

But once you assured him it was fine and you knew it was an accident, you ended up spooning in the couch as you mentally start planning the new sweater

A month passed when he found a wrapped up parcel on his desk

He was running late, didn't have time to grab a coffee and accidentally grabbed his vest with a massive hole in the back rather than one of your handcrafted ones

Still, he made it to the classroom before any students arrived, so he quickly opened it up and a huge smile plastered its way onto his face

A new sweater vest that was near identicle to his ruined one, a bit cleaner and better designed than the old one

You'd also made him a pair of socks, something you'd been experimenting with, with the AC/DC logos on the side

He found the note at the bottom 'Hope you have a good day. I love you. Y/N. P.S. These are not allowed near the kindergartners ❤'

He quickly changed into the sweater, feeling so much better than he did 5 minutes ago

The socks became his lucky socks and he'd wear them to his gigs, stating that it was like you were up there with him

He shushed you when you pointed out that it meant he was technically stepping on you, telling you "you know what I mean" before giving you a kiss

He'd give you requests for scarves, beanies, the lot. Socks were for bed or performances only, apparently, but everything else was worn whenever

You even made beanies and scarves for members of the band who wanted them, each having the School of Rock logo on it plus the kid's name

Dewey loves wearing and telling everyone about the stuff you make because he thinks it's absolutely incredible you're able to create something like this

And he treasures everything you make him

Most importantly, he's there to listen when you rant that the yarn isn't working like it should, or just about crafting problems in general, and be an ear as you problem solve an issue and is there to celebrate the victories when it finally works

Gets really good at yarn shopping too, picks up the brands you prefer and learns to read the packaging labels

Just

He loves the fact you can create something just like he can

[hanjislabig]

Hanji's Past

"Isn’t it worth trying?"

————-

(Thats an extract from a story me and my friend write. An evening with Levi and Hanji, eating crackers, drinking red wine and talking about old wounds.)

Hanji looks at Levi with loving eyes. "Offer up your beating hearts... that’s a really serious promise... at least that’s what my mother always said." She takes another cracker and slips it into her mouth, while relaxing on the bed again.

Her last sentence makes Levi sit up. "You've actually never told me much about your parents, how comes?"

"There’s nothing special I could tell you,” she answers his question and shrugs casually. “But what do you mean, I already did tell you some things.”

"Right, you did", Levi says. He has noticed her unusual reaction to his question immediately. "But only a few things from your childhood. I mean - what else? Are they still alive, are you still in contact with them, do they know about me, whatever."

Hanji remains silent for a moment. She often talks about her parents casually, but rather with the intention to displace the latest happenings. The ones that she’d rather ban out of her mind completely. Now she gets confronted with everything again, she doesn’t hate to talk about what happened, but she’s definitely not keen to tell it everyone.

Hanji takes a deep sigh before she changes her position and sits up, pulling her legs against her body and wrapping her arms around them. "You really wanna know? I mean you don’t have to ask out of politeness.“

Levi changes his own position a little bit. "Sound like there's something that's not easy to talk about", he says. "So I only wanna know if you wanna tell me."

Hanji sighs again but nods then. She props her chin on her knees and starts thinking where to begin.

"So, my father was a scout in survey corps. He always used to be away for long periods of time, when they went on expeditions. Besides he always needed to leave for Trost to work. In his free time though when he was at home, he did a lot of stuff with chemistry and architecture. I loved to read in his books and rummage in his stuff,“

Hanji chuckles lightly at the memory.

"Altough i didn’t understand anything of these academic textes. You know I just wanted to seem as smart as did. So I assume his interests somehow woke the interest in me too.“

She sighs.

“My moms a botanist. Sometimes she also cared for the kids in our neighborhood. We also had this huge lively garden where I spent a lot of my childhood in. She planted her flowers everywhere, it was beautiful, especially in spring when everything bloomed. Sometimes I simply sat the whole day in the grass, watching the insects flying around and doing their tasks, listening to the birds... I loved the nature, I remember that.“

From one moment to another Hanji gets more serious again and it seems like she came back to reality.

"When I was 12 years old, my father died,” she continues with a voice that doesn’t reveal much, “he was one of the deceased of an expedition. My mother and I didn’t know much about titans back then, no one has ever seen one, they were only known through stories. When I was a child... we didnt have these wall problems yet,” Hanji stares down on her feet, lost in her thoughts.

“We got the message over a letter from the commander. That my father died in war against the so called titans.”

Hanjis eyes narrow, almost not noticeable while she speaks about the titans. Even if it’s only for a short moment, it seems like her attitude towards these monster changes.

"Before that happened I never considered joining the sure corps. I didn’t even think about it. It was nothing more than the job my father had. But after I got to know he got killed by titans...“ she falters, "... I think that could’ve been the trigger for my Titan obsession. But not exactly like I see them now, no... I wanted retribution, revenge, justice for what happened to my father. I got obsessed with titans because of all the hate I carried in myself. So I guess that was the moment when i realized I want to avenge my father and I decided from one day to another that I’ll do the same job as he did. I wanted to kill all of these titans everyone was talking about and afraid of."

Hanji swallows with a dry throat and takes a brief break.

"Like I said, I was twelve years old at this point. My father passed away only a few months before the recruitment for the next legion started. I was completely convinced that becoming a soldier would be my destination so I... I let myself get registered that day... but without telling my mom...“

Hanji lowers her eyes and gazes at her hands, a feeling of guilt coming over her.

“This lead us to heaving the worst fight ever. It was... something worse ive ever experienced in my entire life before at this point,” Hanji can’t help but pulling a slightly pained face as the memories flash her, “I told my mother that I was joining the corps. And she said no. And I said yes. My mother...I realize it now... she was so concerned and frightened. If I just imagine this... her only daughter wants to do the exact same job that got her husband killed only a few months ago."

Hanji presses her lips together.

“She didn’t want me to go... but I didn’t listen. I didn’t care, I thought she’d be too selfish to let me go... how could I-... I was too young to understand how the love of a mother works..."

Silence again.

"I packed my few necessary things and left my mother behind. I was so furious, you can’t imagine. Full of blind anger and a raging, ambitious heart. I can-... still see her face... this expression in her eyes when I-... when I left without turning around a single time...”

Hanji slowly shakes her head in disbelief and breathes out shivering.

“That was the last time I saw my mother. I’ve never seen her again since then.” She has to look away from Levi, her facial expression tormented and hurt as she remembers what happened back then.

Levi listens to her the whole time without saying a word, just focusing on her story. When she talks about her life back then he feels a little pain in his chest. It sounds more than beautiful. So beautiful he's having a hard time even imagining it.

He finds it hard to believe such a happy childhood is even possible. But then he learns how that happiness ended. It's just a story like all the others, nothing they haven't heard a hundred times before. And still it's not. Because it's her story. Her pain, her motivation, her reason to choose the path she chose, the cross she has to bear every day.

There's this picture inside his head, a twelve-year-old Hanji, fuelled by sorrow and hatred, trying to turn that pain into power. This part of the story seems much more familiar and Levi thinks to himself that at least she had something to focus her anger on. In his own story there was no bad guy, no-one who had ruined his life and still it was ruined. So he turned his hatred against the whole world, but the whole world is a bad enemy.

Levi continues listening and it doesn't get better. He feels sympathy for Hanji's mother, what her daughter did to her wasn't fair. But still he doesn't blame Hanji. She was young, passionate, furious, had a goal. If she was anything like she's now that made her unstoppable. But back then she didn't have the far-sightedness to realise how what she was doing affected the person who cared about her most. Sometimes she still doesn't.

Hanji's wish to join the survey corps is just as understandable as her mother's for her to stay. It was a tragic situation with no possible outcome that would have been good for everyone. Still Hanji should have handled it differently. She knows that and this knowledge tears her apart. This is why Levi forgives her immediately. He's as sure that her mother would forgive her as well as he's sure Hanji won't ever. Maybe that's why she suffers from guilt issues whenever something happens to the people and creatures around her.

For almost two decades she's lived with the knowledge that it was her who has caused a person close to her pain and she never wants that to happen again. But whenever something similar happens she thinks it's her fault automatically. The fact that she hasn't found the courage to see her mother again since surely makes it worse. Hanji probably thinks she's a coward, which doesn't exactly help her build self-esteem. Levi moves a bit closer to her and starts massaging her neck soothingly.

"Thanks for telling me this", he says after remaining silent for a while. "What happened between you and your mother is really bad", he begins carefully.

"But you know that you did her wrong and that's the first step in the right direction. You didn't mean to hurt her back then, you just did what we all have to do at some point, you chose how to live your life. She shouldn't have tried to stop you, that's probably what she's telling herself every day, but she was worried. And you shouldn't have left without talking to her about it, but you were a young girl who had just lost her father and got it all wrong. It's awful how it ended..."

Levi stops for a moment and his voice changes.

"...but it didn't end. You're alive, she's alive, thank whoever you want to thank for that. So many of our next of kin are dead, there's no way we can sort anything out or be united with them in this life again. You've got that chance so many of us dream about. Take it."

He gives Hanji an encouraging nudge.

"You've forgiven her and you love her, there's a high chance she's forgiven you as well and I'm a hundred percent sure she loves you. So what are you waiting for? You love each other, you miss each other. You've both made mistakes but we all do. If there's any way you can talk things out and become a family again, isn't it worth trying?"

[unordinary-analysis]

Episode 166

Honorable mentions:

I always love seeing a student with John’s old ‘loser’/helmet hair lmao it makes me happy

For the first time ever, when I say ‘Remi, pop off queen’ you know I actually mean it lol

Tldr: the high-tiers (can’t really call them “royals” anymore can we) establish themselves and prove their worths as paragons (perfect examples) of what royals should be and i applaud them for it

The amount of joker masks that the superhero posse brought in has to be representation of their power. Isen, the lowest-ranking of the superhero posse brought 1, Remi brought 3, and Blyke brought 3. You might be thinking ‘hey remi is more powerful than blyke’ but we know that he’s been working hard recently and because he only has one more mask than Remi, i think this idea is plausible. so let me believe that blyke is more powerful than remi please.

Nothing to really say about Isen except that he needs a hug

Going to ignore that remi listed cecile as someone she wanted to recruit help from because i would just get my hopes up

Only occured to me now that i could pull off a John and Rei comparison especially after reflecting over episode 150

Arlo and seraphina give off such close vibes and it’s obviously because they got close (or at least intensely familiar) when they were the king and queen and i just- i absolutely love when plots or characters go full circle and reflect (revisit?) the start of the story even though that sounds anti-development, it’s not im just bad at explanations.

WHAT I WOULD GIVE FOR CECILE TO BACKSTAB JOHN not that i don’t like john because i absolutely aDORE him because of his impact on the story, but i just want to see Cecile backstab someone and john is convient

just me talking for a bit, scroll if you want to skip to the actual content i understand ;( :

Okay: so.

I’ve figured out that instead of putting little talkative comments in the honorable mentions like I’ve been doing lately, I can put them here and not feel like total trash and that I’m downgrading the post so that’s fun.

Anyway, sorry if the massive ton of parentheses(?spelling) i'm using is confusing or hard to read. I mean, I won’t fix it, but I hope it’s not too bad ya know

Again: sorry for talking like im texting someone in 2017 it’s an issue, im aware. No one ever says anything, but yeah?? Im sorry???

Im panic-writing this an hour before the new episode drops so hopefully this is up before then, there’s no real hope though it takes me 10 minutes just to transfer this from my google doc to tumblr because i have to manually re-add all of the bold and italics and bullet points. Still not removing this bit tho even if (lmao ��if”) it’s late ;)

Talking too much, but whenever you see (?”spelling/grammar/word choice/etc”), that just means that I messed up in that way, but I’m too distracted to fix it. Figured i should say that eventually seeing as i literally do that every post

Next post will not be written in first person at all because i think it makes these feel way too familiar and makes new readers uncomfortable which is stupid but is how i would feel so we’re experimenting. If you’ve never read one of my posts, i just act very informal with everything i do and i just want to say, i'm not in this tightly knit niche group that reads these and that ive been friends with for years. i just. Talk like this. So don’t feel like you’re eavesdropping by reading one of these. I really hope im not an outlier in feeling this way when reading other peoples post because if nobody actually feels this way, im bout to be real embarrased oops.

Im getting the talking out of my system because no talking next post.

Yeah this post is late. But: i stopped for pizza in the middle and my webtoon isn’t loading so im like sitting around waiting for it to

Remi:

    Now, in this episode particularly, it has occurred to me that I need to give Remi credit where credit is due. I made a post (AN: multiple posts but we’ll ignore that) over a year ago talking about her abilities as queen and- I did her pretty dirty. Not unfairly, but dirty. I basically dissed her a lot and said that she wasn’t a good queen in any sense. And I’ve done this multiple times (AN: ignore last AN) because I can remember at least 2 other times when I just berated Remi over and over for being shit queen.

    I’m not going to disagree with myself in this post (because I didn’t lie), but I want to give her some credit because I do believe she has changed recently and it has affected how I view her as a position of royalty. And, yes, while it is unclear if she is currently technically still a royal, what with John having somehow destroyed the entire concept of Wellston having royals (?), she has been taking the actions and responsibilities that a royal would. So-

    What made me want to write this out was in this episode, episode 166, I really realized/noticed her attitude and actions dealing with and revolving around this whole joker situation (currently more about the fake jokers) was?? Actually productive?? To explain: In this episode, we see Remi approaching a group of low-tiers who are worriedly talking about the joker situation and 1. Analyzes the conversation in reference to the measures she, Blyke, and Isen are taking to prevent the situation, 2. Reassures the low-tiers that qualified help (her, Blyke, and Isen [aka the superhero posse]) is doing the best they can, and 3. Asks if they have any suggestions or ideas that might help them attain their goal. Like?? Hello?? The Professionalism? And the way she didn’t let her disappointment that her previous efforts up until now affect her is a stark contrast from the Remi of the past. I’ve ripped her apart because of just how often her emotions would completely overwhelm any sense she had. So: that stood out. But, anyway, big picture again: This whole short little scene from her was so impressive?

    Honestly, the fact that Remi is going through all this effort to stop the fake jokers and make sure the low-tiers are safe is very different than what we would’ve seen from her in the past. One of the common reasons that I kept saying Remi was a bad queen was because she didn’t care about her responsibilities and didn’t take her authority seriously. There are even examples of Arlo, or others, telling her this (the example that came to my mind was when Remi was warning students about EMBER and Arlo stepped in [and the reason behind the events of this example helps to support my next point] {ALSO (sorry) afternote: I was reading through everything I’ve ever said about Remi’s leadership and I used this exact example in my post “Remi” from just over a year ago}). Another reason that I was against Remi as queen, which ties nicely with the previous reason (this sounds like repetition of like two seconds ago when I said that my last reason would support this point, but it’s not because words), was that she prioritized personal missions over things her school needed her to do. I remember being very pissed around episodes 110-120 because she ignored the big conflicts happening at Wellston in order to track down this separate crime organization (EMBER) and took Blyke and Isen with her (royals)(who were both against the idea). And I know that her reason for doing this is valid and I do respect her for attempting to avenge her brother, and I would have let this slide if she gave one thought or listened to Isen and Blyke at all about Wellston. I know this still sounds bad on my part, but it was many instances stacked on top of each other of Remi being, not just unconcerned, but unknowing, about Wellston’s current state as a school. At that time, Remi was the queen, she was one of the school’s royals, whose job was to maintain order and peace within the school. I couldn’t see any instances of Remi even attempting to do that. That was in the past though, because obviously, things are different now, like I said. Currently, Remi has gone out of her way to dedicate herself to the wellbeing of Wellston, that is obvious in the way she has been talking with low-tiers and unmasking fake Jokers. I only hope that her new motivation isn’t just a phase brought upon her due to her personal relationship/conflict with Joker, with John. I want to know if John ever happens to be dethroned or Remi somehow gets her technical authority back, will she still be dedicated to the school, or is her motive purely situational? I hope not? Because we’ve seen lots of change from her recently what with learning of the low-tiers mistreatment and all, so let’s cross our fingers.

    Regardless, there has been improvement in Remi. In her leadership and dedication. And that needs to be acknowledged. So I am doing it. Yeah. Here you go. Badge of honor for Remi.

    Obviously, most of what I’ve said also applies to Isen and Blyke, who are honestly going above and beyond (especially Blyke), just this section is a response to my previous statements of how Remi is not a good queen, not only for Wellston, just in general. And, again, while I still agree with my evaluation of Remi as a queen in reference to her past self and past episodes, This is a new development I felt obligated to talk about. :).

Blyke’s idea (?word choice confuses me):

Wowee this is a fun one. So: Blyke broke up a fake joker fight in a hallway this episode, and i just have to acknowledge this like I did for remi: props, but anyway, I was very intrigued by the way he handled the damage control like?? He refuses for the fake joker to be unmasked (?grammar) and gives the reason, “I’m not about to show his face so that you all can just gang up on him later!” And: applause. I think that this has occurred to me before, I just never dwelled on that idea, so I was taken off guard by this from Blyke. He was able to understand this and form a plan with how to deal with it? I don’t know about you, but that screams king behavior. Anyway, what Blyke does is take the fake joker to a separate room and unmasks him privately then talks with him as a way to both protect the fake joker’s safety and discourage him from any future stunts like the one he pulled a sec ago. And?? This is so great because, guys, this is liTERALLY the concept of like anger management and behavior therapy?? 

I especially liked how Blyke took the time to hear the low-tier out(something that the high-tiers are really starting to do [technically because of john because john became joker and caused all of this {and since john wanted to destroy the hierarchy because high-tiers didn’t give a shit about the low-tiers in a way he’s achieved his goal, albeit unknowingly}]). And, like i literally just said, by hearing him out, he’s creating yet another bubble of safety around the low-tier because immediately after (okay maybe not immediately, blyke did scold him a bit), Blyke says that whenever the low-tier is being picked on, he can come to Blyke. And NOT ONLY does this whole thing help with the fake jokers issue, but Blyke, along with Isen and Remi, are creating trust and respect between the low-tiers and high-tiers. This is them doing the hierarchy right! They are establishing themselves as leaders and as people that can be relied upon, which is exactly who the royals are supposed to be.

Just want to say: He also talked about how the guy who got attacked should also reflect on his actions, and yes, this deserves recognition, but this has been a common theme, so I didn’t think it was worth really discussing. Blyke got bonus points for this. Extra credit if you will.

    Remi’s idea:

    Back to Remi, but her idea about recruiting John to help get rid of the Jokers? Excuse me? The innovation, the growth, the potential. And, I know this was shut down pretty quickly by Blyke, but I still have to talk about it??? And this section is starting off horribly because there was absolutely no transition or introduction but hello?? 

    Anyway, obviously the fact that Remi would even suggest getting any help from John (Joker) is astonishing. 1. He literally beat up everyone present in the scene 2. Honestly from what john’s doing for all anyone knows, he likes that low-tiers are faking being joker (remi even points this out lmao) 3. Again, he beat everyone up? Not exactly looking good for any kind of compromise. And yet despite these obvious reasons, Remi still lists him as a possible ally. Why?

    Because when she met up with him before he completely dethroned the Wellston hierarchy, she noticed similarities in their goals and their beliefs. She says, and quotation marks mean quote, “When I spoke with him… I really thought both of us wanted the same thing… Just that our methods of approaching the situation were different.” !!!!!!! Remi knows that they really want the same thing: a safe environment for low-tiers. That was the one thing that John kept repeating over and over when they met up and talked (episode 150) (other than the fact that royals are shit but-): he wanted to create a school environment that was safe for the low-tiers. Whether or not that’s his goal now, or if he’s acting with that goal in mind, Remi obviously remembered this the most from their conversation because it seemed so similar to the way she was thinking. And Remi thinks that it would be possible that John would prioritize this over his dedication to his own personal project of destroying the school :).

    Anyway, this whole idea is scrapped by Isen and Blyke who give valid arguments as to why trying to ally with John is a really bad idea, but oh my god the way my heart stopped.

    This section is basically a summary and very quick, but this scene in the comic was riveting because of this. I just don’t know what else to say.

[rosesanthology]

And Yet... | Akaashi Keiji x F!Reader [musician!AU]

Violinist!Akaashi x Pianist!Reader (yes i saw that one Viria fanart)

Ive been feeling extremely bad these days but im managing to write some things for my emotional support hq boys (Akaashi and Kenma) so here u go even tho its probably a lil shitty 👁3👁 its all about them la la land type of vibes

Warning : i didn't proofread this, also it's VERY self indulgent

Songs : • city of stars from La La Land (but Dodie and Jon Cozart's cover)

• any of the songs in the fic but especially Bach's violin sonata in presto IT SLAPS

[Tags] : @raevaioli

- You've always admired the way human life entertwines itself with art. The vicissitudes of a fleating existence finding a way to express themselves in external stimulations, the way someone could pour as much of their soul, as much as themselves in just one moment, one performance, one artwork.

- it is the main reason why you decided to become a pianist. The second one being that you could hardly put as much effort on anything else

- your mother would argue that it is but a mere childhood dream to do something as uncertain, sure.

- and yet, the first time your performed in front of an actual audience, even if it was just at your high school's theatre auditorium, still felt like the best

- you had registered in the student showcase program without your mother knowing, wearing not the dark blue dress you dreamed of but a hoodie, some jeans and sneakers

- in the moment it seemed fine even if you did look way underdressed than the other kids who registered for piano too

- but it all seemed to tie together with your whole personna as you sat on the stool making sure to put your tiny moomin plushie on top of the grand piano

- he helped a lot

- at that time you played Tanjirou no Uta because well....there's only so much you can expect from a high schooler who lacks confidence in their skills

- regardless of the song your fingers danced onto the heavy keys, the sound swirling with your own emotions as you tried to concentrate on the one thing you wanted the most,

- "Somebody, look at me."

- because there is such a big difference between only being seen by people and actually being looked, observed, analysed

- at the time you wanted someone to look at you and wonder if what they were feeling listening to your piece was flooding their brain the same way it flooded yours

- if the lingering sound of pressed keys made their heart and time stop in the same way it did yours so well whenever you played

- it mattered. In that moment, only that mattered, but sooner or later it had to end

- until then, the only person who was able to exactly tell the things you wanted to convey was your childhood best friend Akaashi Keiji

- he was of wealthier upbringing, his parents always so uptight and pressuring him into their perfect mold in which he seemed to fit so oddly well

- and yet, he always found time to be there for you and help you in your struggles, he was far more musically inclined than you because of his background but his eyes never lost their gentle glint as you would mess up the keys to a piece

- he'd always take his time to let you know how much he liked hearing you play even if you insisted that you weren't as good as him, his smile never wavered as he rested his chin on his palms and closed his eyes, listening to your fifth poor attempt at playing Clara Schumann's sonata in G minor

- that was your typical sunday afternoon in his living room, playing the day away intoxicated in the calmness of his scent of flowers and warm cotton

- when you finished, people didn't seem to mind the choice of the song nor the stuffed toy that added to your whole appearance, if anything you only heard encouragements, advices and heartfelt returns

- among them was Akaashi of course, ever so gentle but marking in his praise, making you feel like maybe you were worth standing on that stage

- it wasn't much compared to what the middle school kids who played Mozart got but, it gave you enough of a push to have the strength to call yourself a pianist today

- nothing really changed in your little world, you still had your moomin plush sitting on the piano everytime you performed and the same simple attitude, now you just knew your classics and could play something else than anime music even if you did manage to fit a little song once in a while

- what changed tho is that you and Akaashi had grown appart after he had left

- his parents had suddenly decided to register him in some fancy music college in Paris

- away from you

- at the time, you knew that no amount of tears and words could possibly matter in the final decision

- but it's not like you could ever control yourself when he held you in his arms like he did when he broke the news to you

- you were never that gracious at goodbyes

- but if it meant that he could get the life he deserved than you were willing to make that sacrifice, even if he wouldn't have the time to talk to you as much as before

- in the meantime you would continue to grow as a person and as an artist if not for you then for him

- and that's what you've been doing for the past four years

- and it is exactly what brought you to accept the offer to perform at another musician showcase tonight

- it was fancier than a high school show that's for sure. It was held in one of these candle lit restaurants, but not the impersonal ones where the tables are five meters away from each other

- it was one of these places where everybody seemed to know each other and relish in the warmth of sharing the same pleasant time while listening to live concerts

- after your own performance you sat back down with the other musicians, talking a bit with the pretty cellist Kiyoko Shimizu, who finished her own before yours

- when the lights dimmed and the next musician stepped on the stage your heart almost stopped

- there stood your dearly missed friend in flesh and bones, violin and bow in hand, or at least you thought so

- he started playing and you watched from the side, amazed, your heart achung with the resonance of the instrument as he gently swayed to such a hard piece as Bach's sonata No. 1 in presto

- the ground and the rest of the room seemed to dismantle around you as all you could think about was the man playing music off of your very heart strings, the man who you've known for a long time and who had been such a huge inspiration and motivation in your existence

- the man who always was so sensible and observant despite coming off as stoic to most people, the same one who was always gentle and motivating all the whilst excelling in what he did himself

- this was Akaashi Keiji.

- and right now he was playing such a fast piece with an unspoken surprising sadness to it as if he'd disappear into ashes the second he stopped, the second he relaxed

- but it eventually had to come to an end, the sound of the strings tearing you appart to reveal the most vulnerable parts of yourself to him like it always did on sunday afternoon practice

- the realization came crashing into you as he bowed to the audience and locked eyes with you, sending you a small smile before disappearing backstage

- naturally, you went after him your breath hitching and your whole being coming to a halt three meters away from him

- you had been way farther away from each other and yet, these three meters felt the worst

- he turned to you, and as casually as if he never left opened his arms for you to run into and that's just what you did

- his own heart was pounding as he caressed your hair, whispering phrases like "it's okay" or "im here now" as you sobbed into his chest

- he still smelled of wild flowers and cotton.

- "let's go catch up outside Y/N?" He said just for you to hear

- he brought you two outside on a bench overlooking the city and its lights but you couldn't help but keep your eyes on him by fear that he'd disappear again

- "w-why are you here ?" you stammered without thinking

- "why you don't want me here ?"

- "Yes- Well no- i mean yes i want you here and-"

- his laugh resonated even more than his violin if that was possible and you didn't have to wait long to feel your face heat up

- "first thing you do is laugh at me...." you said, playing with his fingers on your lap, a thing you did back then whenever he was nervous and started fiddling with his hands, even tho you were the nervous one now

- he sighed, the previous sadness from his playing as if blown away by that tiny impatient breath of air

- "i came back on my own. I missed you Y/N", he smiled again,

- "i missed you too...but what happened to your studies ? You always said you lived for music ?" you incquired, squeezing his hand maybe a little too hard in aprehention

- "i did...i did but i realized many things abroad"

- "like what ?"

- "im a little disappointed Y/N you used to be so good at guessing what i wanted to convey with my music" he said raising an eyebrow at you and laughing once more when seeing the confused look on your face

- "i may have said i lived for music yes and yet...i always knew that i live for you."

[rhotanored]

😏: What angst tropes are you a sucker for? n 👿: What are your muse(s)’ fatal flaws? Any wishlists to do with them?

1a) HURT/COMFORT HURT/COMFORT HURT/COMFORT1b) Self-sacrifical dumbfucks too blinded by their own crippling lack of self-worth that they’ll throw themselves in the line of fire for worthy cause/person after worthy cause/person who gives them the time of day and all the delicious angst that comes from the fallout of them a) hurting the people around them, and themselves, and dealing with those consequences and b) eventually having it drilled into their thick skulls that they have worth and are loved1c) just gut-wrenchingly awful villain redemption stories where, regardless of driving motivations they have left a swathe of pain and suffering in their wake and have to fight themselves and their guilt and their victims and those who can’t and probably shouldn’t ever forgive them back every step of the way--and maybe they make mistakes (so many mistakes), maybe they never get acknowledgment (but that’s not why they’re doing it, this time, they’re trying to do it for good, they’re trying to do it for the right reasons, they don’t want to make the same mistakes they already have too much blood on their hands and any more would break them) but maybe all it takes is someone saying thank-you to know they’ve made it out of the dark2) AH FUCK

This is actually kind of a difficult question????

Renh: Self-sacrificial dumbfuck #1. Recently paid for past mistakes by getting himself Real Fucked Up™ aka blinded as the result of Bad Decision Making™. Ran back to the only person who he knew wouldn’t turn him away with his tail tucked between his legs, and while he’s not being as openly bastardous as he was, is nevertheless Kind of a Dickhole Anyway™ and a Whole Ass Mess™. It’s a work in progress that isn’t. really progressing. at all.Bucket list: someone legitimately kicks his ass that isn’t an eldritch horror from the deep woods who already had a grudge anyway so it doesn’t count (...™) and tells him to get over himself.

A’mariss: Self-sacrificial dumbfuck #2. Succeeded in self-sacrificing vs a BBEG in a plot a while back and as a result no one she loves remembers her (but they also didn’t die terribly and become the thralls of a high rung voidsent. win/win??) kind of still just wants to die, but is trying, ok and also some of the people who don’t remember her cheated and wrote shit down so now she’s gotta explain herself and battle with but they’re better off without me vs we have a second chance ive never had a second chance before.Bucket list: SOME DANGER SHIT!! SOME INJURIES!! and then honestly just. someone taking care of her for once LMAO

Kazushige: A softe BASTARD!! No one’s unlocked his backstory yet except for those In The Know™ (and even then they ain’t know shit)Bucket list: would love some Too Good For This World, Too Pure™ and/or just general do-gooder character(s) for him to be a distant, bastard lizard who Does Crimes™ around except oops here come some feelings and also the reminder that maybe the world’s not such a shithole ah shit and alsor e d e m p t i o n  a r c

Beset: Self-sacrificial dumbfuck #3 except like, only for the Boss and also her ffffffffffriend???---- it’s complicated. measures herself by how useful she is (mostly to the Black Beast Corps), and doesn’t have/understand many feelings, they’re not necessary!!!! she’s Good At Fight that’s all that matters!!!Bucket list: make her have feelings. make her deal with her PTSD. give her EVEN MORE feelings, and friends to have feelings over, and then HURT THEM and watch her lose her absolute shit  andmaybeawakenherDarkside?? :ok_hand:

Islin: her fatal flaw is that she’s just. the epitome of altruistic good. she’s practically begging the universe to fuck her day up in some tragic way, except she’d probably just take it on the chin and keep going. and going. and going. like the dragoon version of the energizer bunny!Bucket list: being able to throw her directly in the face of some cantankerous, jaded bastard villain(s)? whose plans she continually foils and/or gets in the way of--not necessarily succeeding every time, but she takes the losses, and just keeps??? going?? it’s probably aggravating. maybe a little secretly surprising, especially when things go particularly poorly for the villain(s) and/or henchmen and/or whoever and instead of taking the opportunity to put them in the ground where they (probably deserve to) belong she extends a hand, instead.

P’tajha:  tbh at this point taj’s fatal flaw is her penchant for hyperfocusing on things outside her control to make them UNDER control.Bucket list: Most of the boxes for Taj’s angst and character growth have been ticked by now (she’s been through A LOT™ in her life as a character) but i’m always down for putting her through the wringer re: her family getting hurt and her going on a fucking CRUSADE to END THE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO DARE

UHHHHHHHHH 

so this got long but bless u for the ask, i thank angst 4 my life

[fairycosmos]

(tw suicide mention) I feel so alienated from everyone in my life im always everyone’s last choice for everything i thought i was getting somewhere with my crush but he started dating my friend and i kinda wanna fucking kill myself i dont know how much longer i can stay alive i feel so lonely ive been feeling this awful for a long time and nothing is getting better at all I already know how I’ll end it i just need to decide when im sorry for venting but idk who else to talk to

hey, hey it’s okay :( i’m so sorry my love. i can’t imagine how hard things must be for you right now. take a breath. words probably seem pointless when you’re feeling so down, but try to believe at least some of what i say. do you think it’s possible, that your depression and your recent negative experiences, are causing you to over generalize, to reject any sense of self worth? like, those are both things that fuck up your perception of reality a lot. but it won’t always stay distorted, it truly won’t always be like this. so by that i mean - you’re not everyone’s last choice. i promise. maybe it feels like that, but the way other people treat you is not a reflection of who you are, not in this context anyway. and it won’t be the case with every person that you come across in your life. where you’re at right now is honestly not where you’ll always be, i can’t stress that enough. i know it hurts. not getting the person you want is awful, losing them to someone else is terrible, and having to hold onto all of this sadness probably seems pretty much impossible. the people that don’t recognize you for the wonderful person that you are, are simply missing out on the entirety of you. it’s their loss, it’s their issue. not yours. but it’s ok to feel that pain. it’s ok to cry it out, to want to give up, to lose it for a little bit. you don’t have to push those emotions away, you can sit with them and process them - it’s not the feeling that matters, it’s how you cope with it my love. it’s the same thing with thoughts. feeling suicidal is obviously a very serious thing to deal with, but there’s a massive difference between having a thought and acting on it. i really believe in your ability to find and to hold on to that distinction. you don’t have to act on your urges. you don’t have to hurt yourself on the outside to show that you’re hurting on the inside. you can communicate, you can get it all out in so many others ways. robbing yourself of a chance and of a future is not going to solve anything. your brain is deliberately trying to make you feel trapped so that you’re easier to control. it’s a delusion, and you don’t have to trust it. you can create a safe environment for yourself. you can. look at the situation, and feel the anger and the pain, but don’t make any permanent, irreversible choices based on what you’re going through at the moment. please. 

the thing is, you have so many options, even if your mind is not allowing you to see them at the moment. please please please, if you believe me about anything, believe me about this. it’s alright to reach out to people and to let them know what’s going on in your head. the way out is not by ending things, it’s by going through them. and the first step to that is just talking. i know it’s scary. it’s fine to be afraid. but don’t let that stop you from doing what’s best for yourself. make a list of priorities in your head, and put your mental health at the top of it, okay? even if you have to absolutely force yourself to care. even if you don’t want to, even if your head is screaming at you not to. it’s time to take back a bit of control. you can start by talking to a friend or family member - fight past the feeling of alienation. isolating yourself will only make you feel more disconnected. it’s up to you to put a stop to that cycle. if family and friends aren’t an option, there are many hotlines you can call that will give you a bit of guidance and advice. if you’re in school, you can always talk to the counselor a teacher. if you’re not, set up an appointment with your usual doctor and see if he/she can refer you. if you don’t want to do that, look into resources in your community such as local support groups. there will be something. you just have to seek it out. you have to make it an active part of your life, in order to get the ball rolling. if we look at depression/suicidal thoughts as an illness - a serious mental disorder - then doesn’t it make sense for professional help to be the next step, rather than hurting yourself? your mental health is JUST as important as your physical health, and it should be treated with the same level of seriousness. if you had cancer, would you deny yourself treatment and just expect things to feel better? of course not, right? this is just as urgent. you deserve help. you deserve to find some peace of mind. and a professional can really enable you to do that. like i said before, your perception and mindset is pretty much guaranteed to change - you won’t always see things the way you do right now. but you can help it all to change quicker by engaging. someone like a therapist or a counselor can literally show you how to cope when these feelings arise. they can allow you to discover what caused these thoughts in the first place, they can uproot that issue and help you come to terms with it. they may also be able to refer you to a psychiatrist, who could (depending on your situation) give you some meds to even out your brain chemistry, to help you see things clearly again. letting people know can honestly help you breathe again, as stupid as that sounds. i’m not saying that talking will solve everything. i’m not saying there won’t be times when you feel like saying fuck it. i’m saying that if you look at this from an objective standpoint, if you take today and try your best with it, then you’ll see clearly what it is that you need to do. put yourself first. self hatred is a trap. you’re more than that.

i’m under no illusions. everything is so much easier said than done. but i’m not saying all of this for nothing. i fucking believe in you so so much. you know how many stories i’ve heard, of people who have been exactly where you are, but they stuck around and then eventually they were so grateful that they did? it happens all the time. look, it’s very very easy to become disillusioned with life. and i get that. cause the world is a fucking difficult place to live in. especially if you’re mentally ill. but this is the only life you’re ever going to have, man. even if you don’t want it at the minute, it’s here and it’s happening. and it’s the rarest thing in the universe. don’t throw it away because of a moment in your existence. you’re so much more than you think you are. your presence on this planet is significant, and it has made a difference, and nothing would be the same without you here. i mean it. every time you feel worthless, you have to force yourself to acknowledge the inherent worth that you were born with. as soon as you got here, you mattered. and that fact won’t go away just cause you can’t see it, so listen. i’m not saying you can’t be sad. i’m not saying there’s a simple solution. i’m saying that trying is more than good enough. i understand that putting in any sort of effort is the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling so shitty. but it’s the one thing you have to demand of yourself. it doesn’t have to be anything big - it can be letting yourself sob, being honest with yourself, getting out of bed, and hopefully (eventually) asking for the help that you need. when the bad thoughts occur, acknowledge them, process them, but never for a second trick yourself into thinking they’re actually an option, okay? because they’re not, not when there’s so much left for you here, not when there’s so many others way to deal with this. please just stick around. your future self is going to thank you for it more than you can even begin to understand. i’m sending you so much love. i’m rooting for you with all of my fuckin heart. and if you ever need a friend, please just message me. don’t hurt yourself, just talk to me. we’ll figure it out together.

numbers you can call:

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[fmdrem]

date: from december 3rd to 19th, 2018 location: seoul, south korea / various ( mars’ dorms ; dimensions’ meeting & dance practice areas ; gocheok dome backstages & stage ) summary: the despair of jeon ahreum warning:  uh okay tbh there’s Some Shit going on and i did my best to tag EVERYTHING i could possibly think of so i still really suggest you to navigate with caution because ahreum’s self-destructive thoughts / warped perception of self AND the way he brings harm to himself are not bloody graphic per se,  but they can totally be something hitting close home due to how my writing has been conveying them. tl:dr: ahreum can totally be a character straight outta d*ngan r*npa. word count: 17006 words.

it all had started with a sighting of small little candles and snail shaped sugar treats on top of velvety cupcake swirls displayed at the front window of a pastry shop, the scent of cinnamon cookies, and a flinch of ghosts of birthdays past in wintry seasons greetings always bringing the loneliness of solitary years of struggle down his mouth as a reminder that he had to work harder.

no, it actually all started with the absence of reaction from one who was known to be all reactions and all flames —sitting nearby oldest member and companion while fidgeting with a shirt too big for his lithe frame and skinny legs, with many thinking he simply hadn’t had his morning coffee because it was widely known that jeon ahreum needed his cheap latte ( or anything with a dose of caffeine, truly ) in order to properly spritz life as he’s usually much more known for. it started wth himself and many others exchanging confused gazes because they were called so urgently and it was early, too early —mingi rubbing his heavily bagged eyes and his own hand clinging still onto minjae’s shirt as he wobbled in, geun and siwon looking beyond in need of another hour of sleep at least, because the melon music awards happened int even a few days ago and they weren’t still over their new schedule, finding himself barely curling a smile out and missing the chair he wanted to sit at least three times, and with not a single laugh from anyone because even he wasn’t in the mood for jokes and silliness.

it started with the executives arriving ten minutes late and looking ready to leave ten minutes earlier —as if looking at them all was almost an insult to their eyes like he was an insult to all of their efforts, a reminder to keep questions short and non controversial for the sake of brevity, jabbing at accidents that totally weren’t supposed to happen, especially on stage— talking, and talking while poor ahreum could feel his guts rot and skin getting itchy at the way the higher ups of them all kept mentioning other companies with the spite of a stereotypical villain because of how plain wrong that whole meeting felt like. 

it was supposed to be fun. it was supposed to make people happy —and he wanted people to be happy. even if it meant performing songs he didn’t like or keep himself awake with iv strings jammed on his left arm while trying to get changed so fast.

yet he would look at minjae almost as if expecting the worst to strike them all, the people pleaser, almost as if the entire routine that kept him barely there was on the verge of shattering once more. minjae would look back wth a worry that felt eons different from his own, give him a pat on the head, but it didn’t feel reassuring at all. nothing seemed to feel reassuring at all —nodding and complying and with every single word feeling like being pulled away from his mouth by a fisherman’s hook, because no matter what he didn’t seem to be able to say no, to say a syllable against the way stars aligned and strings pulled.

not even when his scheduled performance with kang junsu was announced with so much nonchalance by the executives before disappearing behind glass doors —and he was sure, so sure minjae could see the pure horror painting his own face white.

it continued with his forehead meeting the hard floor and the skin bruising blue and violet for the twenty-seventh times in the span of a week. or maybe less. days and nights always seemed to blend together like the millions of facets he’d shatter himself into in order to hide what’s ugly, because that’s what made people happy.

but he was doing something wrong. it must be certainly it. 

so he’d get up. he’d twirl and jump and fall again. he’d get up again, repeating that cycle over and over and making it part of an even bigger cycle —as if punishing himself for breaking down at home a few days prior because of how he broke down in sobs and tears after returning home from a meeting he’d rather compare to a death sentence, even if minjae and mingi and everyone consoled him within those walls —even when they’d reassure the the dying sun that was he to be free to let whatever was being bottled inside his heart even when ahreum knew so well that whatever was inside of him was rotten and ugly and completely shameful to even think about. 

it was a reason for why he’d push himself even harder, he’d chop himself into even finer pieces. just like his head kept throbbing with ache after telling minjae that yes, he was going to get the errands game going, that he was doing nothing except for dilly-dallying even if in his voice could be felt letting go of an exhale of uncertainty —pushing his hair to part so that the bangs would cover the bruises because he didn’t want to bother the makeup artists for some foundation ( it would bring questions, he didn’t want to answer ), putting a hat on alongside the best and most believable birthday boy face he could muster, sending hearts and smiley faces at whoever decided it was okay to waste a message or two to send for his birthday, because admitting that he was happy to see his friends thinking of him was selfish and he couldn’t be selfish at all, that was ugly and he was ugly and needed to stop at once if he wanted to be better and be more useful to others.

( causing problems after problems, stupid ahreum, idiotic puny thing always wasting everyone’s time )

he felt the ripple of anxiety lacerating his spine when there was people at home and his idea was just to get showered and bury himself into the studio, because he felt like the mask had grown thinner and thinner and was on the verge of breaking. or maybe it was a sign that the cycle needed to be broken and he didn’t want to, no. that meant exposing himself with all those missing pieces and pulverized sides —ugly ugly ugly ugly—, it meant disappointing and disappointment never made people feel happy, it meant failure, complete annihilation.

he’d hop from person to person with a smile on his face while inside he’d screech at them all for coming because they were supposed to do better things, things suiting their greatness and worth and not anything remotely associated with himself. he’d look at the cake on his plate and minjae sitting in front of him, give a small smile, open his mouth and letting the truth go for once in god knew how much time. 

the bruise on his forehead still throbbed.

                                         “ i don’t know if i even deserve any of this. ”

kang junsu released songs and pieces of himself were scattered in seven tracks like pieces of himself were now scattered on countless floors, and he felt exposed and disgusted to the core.

why junsu.

( it burns, like boiling water against the skin because he must be cleansed and purged or he won’t be getting any better. )

why.

( it fills the head with pain, against the wet tiles. again. again. again. to punish himself for stupid thoughts. )

why.

( it makes his heart think of himself as a touch number when he’s not. when he craved still the love of someone he was nothing but a stepping stone for. )

why.

its conclusion: gocheok dome could be filled with people to the brim or as empty and desolate as dimensions’ wallet, but jeon ahreum would still feel like he got shoved back in joseon and he was having his last walk of shame towards his last breath, covered in heavy damasks and gold shaped as a cloak to be pulled away from him with virulence and a fake halo fitting the saintly being he was not —gold lining his eyes and the guidelines for tears to follows as the way makeup artists would chirp how much he was pretty when all he wanted to do was to rip off all that gold from himself because it was always and solely meant for someone else.

always someone else, never himself.

he was selfish, ontop of a pipe organ with his whole vision being white and his own balance barely steady. he found himself abhorring. loathing every single bit of this, from the cameras ready to capture every single frame of his contorted despair, the organizations counting revenues over it all, those who were there to even more demean an art he’s given life and soul and happiness just because of his name not holding enough fame, the ceos and their sadism barely fed by money and backstabbing, whoever was the evil mastermind within the troposphere who remotely thought any of this pantomime was a good idea to begin with. hating himself so much for not wanting himself to strive for something better too  —he knew the reasons, he knew, let him throw that tantrum, it won’t resurface ever again, promise—, for having never been able to say no when he had the chance because even more so now was too late and he couldn’t pull back from that unveiling tragedy. it was the price to pay because he was a filthy coward, right? 

( no, tell me i’m wrong, i’m tired, let me out, let me out——— )

he could see junsu’s hands trembling while grasping at the side of the curtain ( do you miss me for real, he’d ask, but his mouth is sewn shut ) and he felt the urge of punching his stomach for even thinking of wanting to hold those hands into his equally trembling ones, because he lost that right three years ago and most likely junsu would be too disgusted to be touched by one like him.

people gasped in collective shock at the way the pulled curtain fell and a tear fell down his eye.

[strange-where-the-birds-go]

Lights At The Top Of The Stairs

Part 1.

I lived until I was 7 years old with my Nan. My nan and granddad were like my mum and dad and I loved them dearly. I frequently had strange dreams and occurrences happen to me as a child and they have only got stronger and stranger the older I got particularly the past few years. This recurring dream involved an old film camera and strangely enough an immense feeling of euphoric pleasure, fantastic experiences and visitors at weird times and in funny circumstances. The dream was one of three that I had all the time the first one happened when I was young and involved me taking photographs of lampposts, (I know I still don’t get it even now, maybe one day I may understand it’s strange. But it gets even stranger I assure you as you will no doubt find out if you follow the story. So strange you will probably find it all very hard to believe. But on my nans life and grave god bless her it’s all true. The lampposts featured in the dream was on the street where I lived as a child. The other two dreams and all the events in my life I want to explain, I will get to as I post these episodes each day. The synchronicity events and strangeness of it all should eventually become clear and leave you questioning things in your own life and what they may mean. Maybe you have had similair experiences as myself I am almost certain there will be people out there. Get in touch and comment I will be happy to reply.

Thinking from the present as I am writing this, I felt that my childhood dreams couldn’t be ignored but now looking back maybe they shouldn't have been followed considering what happened when I followed my dreams thinking it would be nothing but all good turned into something entirely different. Hopefully eventually I will understand why, what the dream meant, if anything at all. I hope it all becomes a happy positive event and not regretting my choices as I started to after the nightmare that entered my life.

It was a warm, hopeful summer, many years after the events I explain to you here that I remembered the childhood dreams. It was a summer where dreams seemed real and obtainable. I didn't want to be just another faceless nobody, with no real reason or meaning in my life. The idea of not doing anything worth while scared me, and that's all there was to it. The dream I had as a child was going to be followed with all my will, I just didn’t expect it to lead me where it eventually did. I just wanted to do well for my family. I can’t travel back and change things. I can now only hope for the best.

My mum gave birth to me at a young age and I went to live with my grandma. I called my grandma mum and always used to get my mum and nan’s names mixed up when I talked to them so this was the appropriate solution to me as a child. When I was living with my nan-mum I had a very strange dream whilst lying on my bed upstairs. I always until this day remember the dream. It’s what I influenced me me greatly to start my photographic journey.

I was settling down in the living room waiting for my Nan to come home. Strange visions and flashbacks in daydreams. knowledge I always wondered how I knew at a young age. My mum lived in a flat and felt it would be better on that I stayed with my nan while she worked to get money and a stable life for us. I was young anyway and loved my Nan and grandad and tonight I was looking forward to spending time with my them.

My Nan had been longer than usual this evening and I was getting worried. We were going to watch a spooky film together because it was Halloween. “Where’s nan gone Grandad” My 5 year old self said “ She’s ran off with the milk man” came the reply. I never really understood what this meant, just a funny remark at the time knowing my grandads humour.

The key turned in the front door and I felt better glad his Nan was home and safe. My grandad shouted “ be back later Mary there’s some money on top of the television if you need anything I wont be too long, going to speak to a man about some work tomorow” and with that my grandad went out on foot to the local for a few pints.

Nan took off her head scarf, quickly hung it up and threw her anorak over the back of the chair. She walked slowly towards the roaring coal fire to warm up her hands, carefully avoiding the tin bath prepared for the school bath earlier. She lit up a cigarette and sat in the chair opposite the brown veneered square TV set with the 50p box on the side slowly winding its way down ready for another hexagonal queens head. The air was stale, thick with smoke and the smell of cigarettes as she inhaled twice slowly blowing the smoke towards the ceiling and away from me. Feeling satisfied She turned to me. Ive got some jacket potatoes in the oven and treacle toffee, oh and toffee apples as well your favourite. I know its early but we can treat ourselves while we watch the movie, and why not”. “Thanks mum... nan”. I regularly stuttered and got names mixed up. “Thanks nan, are you looking forward to the scary move?” I can only remember seeing a large black Alsatian but having ominous feelings about this dog and the music in the film was eerie, more scary than the actual film at the time. We didn’t get to watch much of it. The tv went black and the 50p meter clicked loudly asking for another coin. Mary got up and went to the top of the tv looking for that big silver piece, inverted triangles that meet in the centre, in the pile of coins Grandad had left for nan “ I’m afraid we haven’t got any 50ps. We will have to wait until your grandad gets back now, isn’t that a shame I was enjoying that, Just when it was getting good as well”

I felt slightly fed up and walked into the kitchen to get a toffee apple. Pausing at the bottom of the stairs in the hallway I peered up to the bedroom landing. More scared now than after watching the actual film. I was thinking of the lights that came. I didn’t understand what they were but they made me feel anxious and scared. I wouldn’t look straight up tothe top of the stairs as it was too scary I had to peer out from the corner of my eye to check everything was ok up there and when I realised it was I hurriedly half jumped half ran across the front door hallway into the kitchen not once looking behind until I was at the toffee apples in the cupboard. Then peeling the yellow plastic wrapper off the sticky apple I took a bite as quickly as possible making sure to get as much of that red toffee in my mouth as possible and avoid the sour apple. I started hopping on the spot needing the toilet. The dread filled me as I knew I couldn’t go on my own up those stairs towards where the light came from. The light might get me. “ NANN, MUMM, NANN. I need the toilet will you sit on the stairs whilst I go please I’m bursting. “OK, But you should be able to go yourself”. I stood at the gas iron cooker and waited until nanmum appeared at the bottom of the stairs so I could approach the crooked steps, the lights formed in my sub conscious worried that very real and strange wisp of light might make another appearance. WHAT WAS IT. I ran to the bathroom at the top of the crooked stairs, terrified of the light appearing. I knew how it felt, never threatening at all the last time in fact quite the opposite but I was young and the not knowing scared me. “Nan don’t move, stay sat there please, I’m watching, if you go I wont be able to have a wee”, “ I wont move an inch you know that I wont” “I knew she wouldn’t let me down and trusted her more than anything” I ran up the stairs as quickly as possible looking back every two steps to make sure she hadn’t gone. When reaching the top step I kept my head and eyes straight forward not daring to look right or left and quickly went to the toilet pushing outwards as fast as possible always keeping the door open and making a backward glance towards Her for reassurance. No quicker was I finished and I was halfway back down those stairs again breathing heavily with the exertion and back with his nan. “ Why do you do that”, she said “The light comes nan it scares me” “What light?” “ I cant tell you, I want to, but I cant tell you”. Nan rolled her eyes and said, “You’ve been watching too many horror movies at aunty carols your imagination is wild”. I didn’t even hear Marys remark I was just so relieved to be back beside his nan and safe again.

Nan eventually found a 50p and walked over to the meter fumbling to find the right angle, the perfect spot so it would wind and drop, it clicked and fell into the empty box readily, having been emptied the day before. The TV came to life and Mary switched over to coronation street. Hilda was sat with Stan underneath the triple flying ducks in the living room and it reminded Stefan of his nan and grandad, Gail was also my other mum. I always made these comparisons with everyone in the tv and read their names backwards. “thats enough scary movies for tonight said nan. I think its best don’t you” “Aww Nan I wanted to watch till the end”.

My nan didn’t answer. She just gave me that look. She always knew the answer it was a sort of instinct she had. A knowing. We connected like that. We rarely had to speak we both knew the other like the inside of a well read secret book. I always felt content around her, it was like she could read my mind and the looks she gave me spoke a thousand words resonating on a much deeper level. When you feel the answer with your subconscious voice, those continuous thoughts, in your mind you don’t have to speak but your heart knows.

I was getting sleepy now but my stress levels were rising with the thought of bedtime, they always did especially on a Sunday night, a school night brought depression. It wasn’t school though that scared me, a small part maybe, but it was knowing I had to go to bed early on my own and face the light and the vastness of open space. The people in my dreams. The place between awake and falling asleep where the strange existed. The light outside the door on the landing, so bright and beautiful it would fill my room when I shut my eyes. When it touched my mind I was taken away to an immense blackness of what seemed like outer space. Where feelings crossed over and smells mixed with colours in ultraviolet strings that wrapped around my arms and merged with needles that pierced the tips of my fingers in moments of pleasure accompanied by a peculiar watering of the mouth, a sickly feeling. Floating around in what seemed like an endless universe of random screen images. Pixelated people and smooth two dimensional places wrapped up in tubes of light. It made no sense at all but felt strange and infinite, never endingly good at the same instant. Chattering noises and a great feeling of love wrapped in greater love and surrounded by humanoid like shapes manipulating it like a Rubin’s cube in an instance where all time stood still. silence for what felt like an eternity of singular moments posed inside each other, but was only a second in reality. Not past, present or future but only “is”. The light was so bright and perfect it became transparent emotion to the pit of my soul. To me it was normal I thought everyone must get visits by the light people. I find it hard to explain the happenings now I’ve grown up, but as a child I just couldn’t comprehend what was happening and that night was the start of something strange and beautiful that led to the worst and best time of my life all wrapped into one. If only I understood it as I understand things now as I walked towards the crooked stairs.

[mental-health-advice]

👹hello, thank u for answering my last ask, it was rlly helpful and made me feel at least a little more normal, its hard to explain but rn ive been going to a gp for my anxiety and suicidal thoughts and ive received meds for my anxiety but am still afraid of doing things involving people ie. going outside, my dad says that they pay for my appointments but whats the point if its not doing anything and its been feeding into this mindset ive had bc ive been thinking that (1)

👹no matter who i talk to or what help i get im always going to feel this terrible, i often think idk that i cant find any bliss in life? like maybe i dont have dreams but i wanted happiness but i dont know how to get that and im just scared ig that i cant be fixed, people tell me that theres worth to living and that i have a purpose but i find that so hard to believe... thanks.

Hey there,

I’m so glad that I was able to help you feel a bit better! It’s great also that you’re seeing your GP for anxiety and suicidal thoughts, have the medications been helping your anxiety at all?

Sometimes GP’s can only help so much with a person who has mental health issues so could you ask to possibly see a therapist of some kind? A therapist will be able to work with you on the things that need addressing and will help you to implement stuff to help you cope a bit better with everything. It’s really good that your parents are paying for your appointments to see your GP, but maybe for the next step in your recovery, seeing a therapist may be more helpful at the moment for you?

I have lost count of the number of different therapists I have seen over the many years but one thing I found is that sometimes professionals can only help to a certain degree and so consequently it is normal to swap and change who you see from time to time. My latest therapist has helped me so much in the past 12 months I’ve been seeing her, more so than the therapist I saw before her who I had been seeing for many years. So perhaps this is something to keep in mind, that it’s more than OK to see someone different and especially if who you’re currently seeing is no longer helping  you to get better. Does that make sense?

In terms of being afraid of doing things that involve other people, is there a way that you can start small with just seeing one person and then build up from there? A change in medication or dosage may also be helpful, so I encourage you to see your prescribing doctor and see if anything can be tweaked to help make things a bit easier for you. Just an idea!

In regards to feeling as though you don’t have a purpose to live and that things will never get any better for you no matter how hard you try, have you ever heard the following quote..

“To the world you may just be one person, but to one person you may be the world!” –Dr Seuss

So never underestimate how much you may mean to one person, even though it may not always seem obvious. I can assure you that many people will be hurting and feel upset if you did give up on life. So try to keep living not only for yourself, but also for others who may look up to you and perhaps even see you as a role model!

It’s also OK to not have any dreams at the moment, maybe right now you can just focus on yourself and taking care of yourself! I know it can be hard to do things that you enjoy at times but maybe you can try to do one little thing each day? It’s also important to practice good self-care as this will also help you to improve your overall mental health and help you to feel a bit better and may even give you some extra motivation in life to keep fighting? So doing things like eating a healthy diet, doing regular exercise and getting a good night’s sleep are really important to do.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and helped to give you some ideas on where you can go from here and hopefully continue your fight for one day having a really great and amazing life! Just take each day as they come and know that you’re here for a reason, even if it doesn’t seem like it at times!

I’m thinking of you and hope you’re doing OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[danika-alice]

Let’s throw back to 2 years ago. I’d just moved to scarborough, I’d finally found amazing friends and felt supported. I knew that this was the right move for me, I knew that this would be home. I’ve grown so much in the past two years, i found my therapist, I made connections with people, I met my other half, I’m still in the same flat so my environment has been stable for a fair while now. Thanks to my incredible friends here I’ve actually realised how important looking after myself is, they lifted me when i was up and down and I cannot thank them enough. It’s really hard to feel like we have achieved much especially when we compare our achievements to those of others. For me my achievements may seem small to others but they are huge to me. My confidence has grown Im learning self love I can say no and put myself first I’m committed to therapy I’m committed to my friendships and my relationship I’m committed to myself I listen to my body more and i’m more in tune with myself I’m slowly finding my voice and using it I’m doing my best to practise self care I’ve started art therapy I’m starting maths and English I’ve braved journeys on my own I never thought I could Ive made new friendships I stand up for myself and the people I care about I have learnt to enjoy my own company I can phone people without having panic attacks I don’t have as many seizures as I once did I’m starting to understand my emotions 💜💪🏻 I want you all to remember that you are wonderful, if all you did today was breathe that’s okay! We need to remember, one step at a time and if we fall back and take a while to get back up again it’s okay. I have good days and bad days, but I’m here fighting because those good days are worth it. I love you all ❤️ #mentalhealth #progress #recovery #achievement #smallsteps #wegotthis #friendships #relationship #fatpositive #bodypositiveally #effyourbeautystandards #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #cptsd #depression #anxiety #chunkybutfunky #chronicillness #invisibleillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #loveyourself #keepgoing #fatgirl #fatbabe #mentalhealthadvocate

[247krp]

— Rejoice, little lambs! We have recovered our own Kim Hoseok, spotted prancing about in the Southwest Side. I remember seeing him with The Musketeers back in high school, but I’m not here to spill yesterday’s tea. So straight to the rundown: can you say secretive and loyal? Apparently now he spends time as a personal bodyguard and a university student, and keeps skeletons buried at Geumsang apartment complex, A105. But those won’t stay hidden for long, if you and I have any say on it. Welcome back, Apollo; we missed you so.

In case you don’t remember the devil’s name, here’s to refresh your memory:

Party, sex, hangover, school - repeat. Back in high school Hoseok, then known as Lee Wonho, was apart of the Musketeers and never missed a chance to party, to find himself someone to warm his bed and naturally drink heavily over what was healthy. Back then only a small amount of his life was reserved for studying or family, the latter never bothering him either. After all his father was busy building an empire together with his mother, thus why would they notice their son experimenting with alcohol and picking up smoking. In the end one could ask - does he even have parents? Only three people lived under one roof, connected by vows and blood. Nothing more or less. Thus Wonho found his family in the Musketeers, found affection with the bed companions of both sexes and naturally tried to keep his head above water at school. High school was mostly fun and games, where every night there was a reason to party and have fun with his mates - worrying about the future seemed like too much stress. Once sober and done with those boring classes, he would hit the swimming pool and gym - after all his looks were used to find himself sexual partners and a healthy body meant he would survive the partying.  Picking up the image of a rather good looking fuckboy, he didn’t care what someone else thought of him as long as his friends knew the truth. Even then his loyalty to the other Musketeers was a rather odd addition to his image, yet still used against him to paint the male as a simple follower. Whatever suited the gossipers. This way he would never answer to what was going on in his family, his home life a cold Antarctica where the only affection he was shown came from his mother and even that rarely. Being a Musketeer and fuckboy was easier.

Nevermind the memory lane though, the present is always the ripest fruit:

Last year in his masters, studying the architectural history and planning solutions of Korea, Japan and China, Kim Hoseok is the personal bodyguard to the famous model Lee Hanbyeol. Having cleaned up his act, the male now hides his Cheongnam past and hopes it never comes to life, as it is a very black spot on his life and he rather not have any memories of it. Mother sixth feet under ground, father in New York City with his lover - in the end it was easier to build himself a new life with new friends and a healthier way of living. Known on campus as a promising talent in his respective field and a professors darling, he enjoys his work for Lee Hanbyeol and daily focus to show his loyalty. To him who he used to be died the day his mother did and now proudly carrying his given name shows the world he has changed. Kim Hoseok is now a healthy member of society, working a job he finds enjoyment in and studying what is dear to his heart. A wonderful new restart he doesn’t want to lose. Especially since his new life did come with a price he never expected and doesn’t know to resent yet.

But we are nothing if not open books – my job is to ensure you get to the best pages:

i. Do not think that what I was in the past I am now. Do not assume you know someone, when they were occupied with growing up and finding their spot in the world. Do not feel disappointed that I don’t care for hurt feelings of the past. Do not push your own feelings onto me. That man does not exist anymore and lays buried six feet under ground, embracing his mother.

ii. With the first warm night of spring Kim Hoseok was born into an old money family - his mother hadn’t worked a day in her life and father comfortably sat on the board of his wives fathers company. He himself came from a wealthy family, yet didn’t show interest for the company and chose a less stress filled life.  With all the time in the world they dedicated themselves to raising their child, however cracks were there and deepened even if they lost themselves in childcare. A child had been used as the final glue to keep together a facade of lies - with every passing years the cracks became more defined and Hoseok couldn’t erase them. They tried, wished and prayed - even saw the passing of Hoseok’s grandfather on the fathers side as a chance to work together  to save everything, but no use. Some people aren’t meant to be together.

iii. Such discord worked itself in Hoseoks life and once high school started he felt without a family. Yet his friends Chanyeol and Wonshik were the two who slowly seemed to give him the support needed to feel like he had someone, who cared about him and made sure he was okay. Add to that money could buy ones way into any party, into any bed and any heart. One night affection seemed good enough, worked long enough - like a drug that you didn’t realize you were on. High school was wild, fun and freeing - true family life was eclipsed by it and happily ignored. Hoseok’s parents grew apart, grew distant and nearly estranged - naturally he didn’t fail to notice and silently ignored it, trying to live his own life to the best of his abilities. The boy was close to his mother, disconnected from his father. Being close to someone is the true poison. With the end of Cheongnam nearing the scandal around Wonshik happened and Hoseok wasn’t man enough to stand by him, seemingly out of pure jealousy and yet the truth was worse. Lies sometimes seem better covers. Being secretive was better than handling public attention. He had been brought into the cold hard reality, which he had been trying to ignore and push aside for so long - yet here it was staring at him with cold dead eyes. Only through accident had he found out that his mother was deathly ill, had been for the whole time he partied away his problems and barely spent enough time with her. One last summer had been given to her and that he spent with her, every single waking moment of it. She told him about her life, her dreams and passions which had to take a back seat because her father had held her back. She showed him her love for art history, for architecture and the greats of the past - under her watchful gaze he fell in love with it. Just like she had so many years ago. Those three months she smiled so angelically and with said calm peaceful smile she passed away in her sons arms. In pieces and heart broken he buried his mother.

iv. Unable to cope with the pain he bought a ticket to Lisbon, packed what needed and left a note to his father. He fled the life, friends and loved ones he knew. So much now to hold as a secret, to digest and understand - with the current image impossible to do. A whole year away, a whole year of self discovery and heart ache. A year to change, to shed off his former bad boy image and in silence, one summer early morning, return to his home country from Finland. To his luck people forgot, moved on and were wrapped up with new scandals.

v. What welcomed him? A heavy blow out of the dark. Hoseoks father told his son after one or twenty too many shots about his double life, about how little of the money was still there and how he had hated being married to that woman. How he had a boyfriend in Busan for the past fifteen years, found himself in drag and for the past year been saving up to leave this small minded country. How he was no longer wishing to be seen as Hoseok father, wanting to disappear and start fresh in NY as ‘Lady LaBoombayah!’. After everything entered his grandfather mothers side - a stern man and told his grandson that from now on he hopes to see a proper young lad. Going on about how the families had made sure the good for nothing father for the young male wouldn’t spend every dime and was only left in the belief there wasn’t much left. He finally expressed his wish to have a more proper heir to the money and business, a smart young man who knows what the word ‘loyalty’ meant. Hoseok agreed and they made a deal - in respect to his mother he would study what she never could and live a quiet life with comfort. He would not be asked to step up as heir as long as his grandfather was alive and kicking.

vi. Autumn came and he entered Seoul National University, studying the beautiful architectural history of China, Japan and Korea. Naturally with the connections of his grandfather it was easy to get in, but a lot to work to stay and show he was worth the money spent on him. To keep up the rouse around his persona of a university student on a simple scholarship, Hoseok entered training to become a bodyguard and use his athletic talent for money. Balancing both was hard, of course, but he pushed himself to manage and not let himself slip back into the Cheongnam days.vii. It was winter when he met Lee Hanbyeol, a cat like model in need of a bodyguard and Hoseok eager to prove himself too the job. Loyal, on time and ready to throw himself in front of the model, Hoseok found himself enjoying the job and his employer even though it was at times hard to fully understand him.

viii. On the last leg of finishing his masters and debating on going on to get his professors title, Hoseok is truly a changed man compared to the days of Cheongnam. Barely drinks, never smokes and his head in the game the male still is showing his grandfather he would not disgrace the memory of his mother and be worth the investment. It seems like such a simple life to whomever views it from the outside, but the broad shouldered often smiling made hides secrets in his heart no one should never know. Try as he might he is apart of this circle of Cheongnam high school and shall never shake it off.

[frostybeats]

Favorite Albums of 2018

Here we are, another year in the books. I thought I’d compile a list of some of my favorite projects that artists did this year. Mind you, this is not a list of the most critically acclaimed albums of 2018, these were some of my favorites to listen to this year. I thought this was an amazing year for rap, especially this summer, so I’ve included quite a few rap records. I was still listening to a lot of music from 2017, but this list will focus strictly on what came out this year. There is no order of favorites. Without further ado, let’s dive in.

Astroworld - Travis Scott

You can’t talk music in 2018 without mentioning Astroworld. Was the album overhyped? Absolutely. Does that mean it didn’t deliver? No way. People were acting like Travis hadn’t done anything in half a decade, when in reality it had been less than 2 years since his sophomore effort, Birds in the Trap, and he had dropped the collab, Huncho-Jack, with Quavo at the end of 2017. Still, fans and artists alike salivated at the mention of Astroworld. The man even made a Jordan 4 to contribute to the album’s hype. Astroworld delivers immediately and rewards multiple listens, I consistently find new things in this album to appreciate. Travis is back with the signature ad-libs, old and new, and an all-star feature cast that rivals that of an Avengers movie. The album feels like a rollercoaster, roaring at a fast pace with plenty of thrills, but there are also some slower tracks to even the ride out. Travis has never been about deep material though. He’s always been about having a good time, especially this time around. It’s an absolute go to when you want to get lit like a Christmas tree. The beat switch ups (see Stargazing) are akin to maniacally switching lanes on a highway. Just watch out for the groups of frat boys that start dancing in a circle and shouting when Sicko Mode comes on at a bar.

Top 3: No Bystanders, Sicko Mode, Coffee Bean

Swimming - Mac Miller

“Every day I wake up and breathe. I don’t have it all, but that’s alright with me.”

Okay, I know I said I wasn’t doing this list in order, but Swimming is near, if not at, the top of albums this year for me. GO:OD AM still remains my favorite Mac project, but Swimming is probably his best project, critically. I probably could, and may, do a track-by-track review of this album. Mac is producing at his best, it’s a listen that flows smooth from start to finish without anything really feeling out of place. The album holds true to it’s name, with tracks see-sawing back and forth between sounding like having your head above the water and being pulled deep under the waves. The J. Cole produced “Hurt Feelings” will take you to the ocean floor, while “Jet Fuel” will have you drifting across the surface. Thundercat lays down some incredible bass lines, and John Mayer even makes an appearance on “Small Worlds”. “2009” is a track that hits right in the feels, recounting the change, both good and bad, since stepping into the limelight. Swimming is a journey of self-acceptance, and being okay with life even when you don’t triumph, a tragic message given Mac’s passing just a month after the record’s release. I related to many of these songs on a personal level with my own struggles in 2018, the album came out exactly when I needed it. Rest in peace, Mac. Most dope…forever.

Top 3: Hurt Feelings, 2009, Self Care

Honorable Mention: It didn’t make the album, but go listen to “Programs”; it’s so buttery

Proper Dose - The Story So Far

This band has yet to disappoint and gets better with each album they do, I’m thankful for that since it’s a rare thing. The album moves fast with a combination of tracks that are best listened to while flying down the highway or cruising with the windows down on a nice day. Classic pop-punk vibes are present on “Need To Know” and the title track, while the band explores a new, more melodic sound on “Upside Down” and “Growing On You”. The most welcome new addition is Parker’s ability to sing, progressing from his shouting-style on previous albums; “Take Me As You Please” showcases this beautifully. Ryan Torf also deserves a lot of credit for the air tight drums on every track. The percussion is a huge standout. This album was made to be blasted in a car on a summer day.

Top 3: Out Of It, Light Year, Take Me As You Please

YSIV - Logic

I tried to keep it to one project per artist, so this beat out Bobby Tarantino II for me. Logic has dropped at least one project every year since 2010, let that sink in. Somehow, he has managed to not sound overdone or saturated, a true testament to his craft and workaholic nature. YSIV (Young Sinatra IV) revisits the 90-style boom-bap sound of his Young Sinatra mixtape trilogy that got him known. Logic sounds like he walked through a portal and it’s the early 2010s again, but his raps and 6ix’s production have both ascended to a new level. 1-800 fans will be very confused as the bar-hungry Logic of old resurfaces to show people that he’s still an animal on the mic with tracks like “Everybody Dies” and “The Return”. If you like straight bars then this is the album for you. The ENTIRE Wu Tang Clan makes an appearance on the song “Wu Tang Forever”. “Street Dreams II” is storytelling at it’s best, an ode to the style of rap that dominated the 90s. YSIV sounds like a genuine continuation of the Young Sinatra era, rather than a sequel or remake that tries too hard to be like the original. The only thing missing is an iconic Marty Randolph skit.

Top 3: The Return, Street Dreams II, Ordinary Day

A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships - The 1975

The working title “Music for Cars” sent fans into a frenzy thinking that the band was revisiting their early days. A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships proved to be the opposite by pushing the boundaries of the band’s sound. Yes, there are songs like TOOTIME and the single, “Love It If We Made It” that would sound perfectly at home on the previous album, but there are also jazzy songs like “Mine” and “Sincerity Is Scary” that we’ve never heard from this eclectic, pop quartet. The album explores a wide pallet of emotions, mostly surrounding love and relationships in the present day. They even propose the not so farfetched idea that we’re in a relationship with the internet and social media on “The Man Who Married a Robot”. I’ve always gravitated toward the instrumental interludes/tracks on The 1975 projects (excluding the remixed intros), but I also really enjoyed the softer songs as well on this one. This band has always encompassed many different feelings on their projects, but it’s broadcast on a similar spectrum for a given project. It’s hard to put this band in a box, and I really like that.

Top 3: Love Theme, Surrounded By Heads And Bodies, I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)

K.O.D. - J. Cole

Anytime J. Cole has been quiet for what seems like too long you can guarantee he’s about to drop something. K.O.D. officially marks the end of the Forest Hills Drive era that was continued on 4 Your Eyez. The album is a bit of an uncomfortable, medicated listen, start to finish, but that’s the point. It hits close to home for those that have struggled with addiction personally, or witnessed friends and family grapple. Cole warns listeners of the dangers of addiction and drug abuse, especially as a staple of the modern rap scene. However, Cole shows us that addiction isn’t just substance based, but also comes in the forms of social media and ego, with deeper rooted problems that we cover with these things rather than face head on. “Photograph” calls out the ego-stroke that Instagram has turned into. Cole impressively comes off from a place of concern, rather than being preachy. The album isn’t an easy listen, but it’s a necessary one.

Top 3: Photograph, Kevin’s Heart, BRACKETS

Culture II - Migos

Migos wasted no time in following their 2017 breakthrough, Culture. Culture II essentially keeps the record spinning with a slew of new songs. A friend once said to me that most of Migos sounds the same, and there’s a lot of truth to that. But their triplet bar scheme is still catchy and a lot of these tracks are just a fun listen, whether you’re working out, cooking up a storm in the kitchen, or getting together with friends. “Supastars” and “Auto Pilot” are straight hype tracks, and the now ironic “Motorsport” slaps with the Nicki Minaj & Cardi B features. “Stir Fry” is a track that you can immediately hear Pharrell on despite his lack of vocals. Culture II is jam packed with lines that we’ve seen everyone use as Instagram captions throughout 2018, don’t count on that trend stopping anytime soon with Culture III already slated for early 2019.

Top 3: Motorsport, Movin’ Too Fast, Auto Pilot

Scorpion - Drake

There’s a lot I can say about Scorpion, I’ll try and keep it brief. The gargantuan work is a double album, split into 2 sides. Side A is more rap heavy, while Side B is moody R&B. The production on this record is phenomenal, 40 and OVO Sound killed this one. Scorpion feels like the long awaited followup to Take Care that so many people (myself included) have spent the past 7 years dreaming of. This isn’t the “beat your chest”, angry Drake of If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, or the British, grime-stint that was More Life. This is Drake at his best, simply being Drake. He’s braggadocios on “Nonstop” (with the now iconic Tay Keith production tag) and “Talk Up” (with an amazing verse by Hov). He’s moody, with in your feels songs like “Jaded” that will keep you up past 3 AM thinking about relationships that you were never in. He finds himself attempting to navigate life on “8 Out Of 10” and “March 14th”. Scorpion is well worth the long listen, with a wide array of offerings. In my opinion, this is Drake’s best project since Nothing Was the Same.

Top 3: Jaded, Nonstop, 8 Out Of 10

Honorary Mention (so many songs!): Sandra’s Rose

Man of the Woods - Justin Timberlake

I wish it didn’t always take this man half a decade to make new music, but I’m okay with quality over quantity. A homage to his son, Man of the Woods finds JT at his pop roots, but attempting to blend in some folk here and there for some robust notes. Most of the time it works out. “Say Something”, with Chris Stapleton, is a prime example. “Montana” will sound a bit more familiar to fans that know his signature pop sound. “Midnight Summer Jam” is the sweet spot between these two sounds that will have you grooving. There’s an interlude that’s reminiscent of “Blue Ocean Floor” on 20/20 (a sound I wish he’d make a whole album with). The Alicia Keys duet, “Morning Light”, feels like waking up on a sunny day after a great night’s sleep without a care in the world. Man of the Woods showcases JT’s versatility and willingness to take risks and push boundaries as a pop artist in a genre that often sounds repetitive. Most of the time it’s rewarding, and even when it’s off-step I still appreciate the effort. This album definitely grew on me after multiple listens.

Top 3: Midnight Summer Jam, Wave, Montana

Ye - Kanye West

Okay, Kanye had quite the year… let’s stick to the music. Ye was apparently recorded mere weeks before the deadline, the album cover was shot on the way to the release party. Kanye apparently scrapped the Love Everyone album (rumored to be the upcoming Yandhi) after the whole MAGA controversy, when he received “new creative energy”. Ye is a short listen, seven tracks just shy of 24 minutes (a common them on all the projects Kanye worked on this year). The album packs a lot of content in for a short listen though, mainly addressing mental health, Kanye’s struggle with bipolar disorder (aka his “superpower”), and the turbulent year he had. Production is one of the highlights on the album; it opens with a dreamy sequence as Kanye speaks some dark lines, a stark juxtaposition. “Ghost Town” is the emotional climax of the album; Kid Cudi, 070 Shake, and PartyNextDoor nail their features, while Kanye delivers some of his best lines on the album. Kanye closes out on “Violent Crimes” with a touching note reflecting on his past behavior as a man and how he now worries for his daughter as she grows up in the world today. It’s a fairly cohesive album for such a rushed project, definitely better put together than The Life of Pablo. Say what you want about Mr. West, but the man is a musical genius.

Top 3: Ghost Town, No Mistakes, Yikes

Kids See Ghosts - Kids See Ghosts

People lost it when rumors dropped last fall that Ye and Cudi were working on a joint album. The idea sounded like a home run and something that needed to happen, especially after the momentary feud between the two as Cudi struggled with his mental health at the end of 2016. Kids See Ghosts delivers tenfold, and, in my opinion, is the better effort from Kanye this year (it’s a joint album so it’s an acceptation to my 1 project per artist rule). Ye and Cudi have always brought out the best in each other creatively, they’re yin and yang. “Feel the Love” starts the listen with Cudi chanting and harsh hitting production as Kanye shouts akin to a tommy gun. It sounds like the duo are using their voices as instruments and having fun with it, a theme present across all seven songs. Kanye chops up a 1930s Christmas song to make a banger on “4th Dimension”. As the album progresses, the two tackle their personal issues and struggles, slaying their demons, and coming out rejuvenated on the other side. Cudi returns with his signature hums and hooks, transitioning between rapping his ass off and gently delivering his verses. He delivers a new anthem with “Reborn”, assuring the world that he’s okay. Kanye saved his best bars for this album, delivering some of his best verses since Dark Twisted Fantasy (yes, I said it). Kids See Ghosts is trip that is a far more cohesive listen than Ye (not to take away from Kanye’s solo effort), and is a project that we sorely needed this year. It shows that Cudi is in a better place than in 2016 and the duo can still do what they do best: make good music. While “all killer, no filler”, it’s is a bit of a bummer that the album is only seven songs long, but the fact that they both want to do another certainly makes up for it.

Top 3: Reborn, 4th Dimension, Feel the Love

Testing - A$AP Rocky

We last heard from A$AP Rocky in 2015. Flacko makes his return in 2018 with Testing, an experimental venture. As soon as the staticky bass drops on “Distorted Records” you know that this project is going to be different. True to it’s name, testing offers a variety of sounds with no clear identity. The record feels like a stepping stone as to where Rocky is going, rather than where he is at right now. “Hun43rd” will take longtime A$AP fans back to the early 2010s, while “Buck Shots” will make you curious to see where Rocky goes in the future. Harder beats are contrasted with tracks that focus on gentle guitar strumming, like “Changes” and “Purity”. A lot of rappers tend to play it safe and not experiment much with their sound while focusing on their bars and going with whatever beat is considered “fire” at that moment. It’s rare to see someone, especially a big name like A$AP, really try a variety of sounds and put out an abstract project. It may not be what we expected after At.Long.Last.A$AP, but I give serious props to Rocky for trying something different and look forward to his next project, even if it’s another wait.

Top 3: Hun43rd, Buck Shots, Changes

Little Dark Age - MGMT

This one quietly flew under the radar. MGMT made their return with their first release in half a decade. While apparently inspired by the 2016 election, the album carries little political discourse. Without changing their sound too much, the duo delivers a throwback to the 80s. This album is an absolute bop, plain and simple. Despite sounding like it came from a time capsule, the album addresses a variety of topics relevant to society today. “Time Spent Looking at My Phone” warns of how engrossed we have become with social media and our smartphones and are oblivious to the world around us. “Me and Michael” sounds like a Hall & Oates tribute. Overall the album is a fun listen start to finish, the band’s core sound and the 80s make for an awesome crossover. It’s just really nice to have MGMT back.

Top 3: Me and Michael, James, One Thing Left to Try

Championships - Meek Mill

2018 has been a huge year for Meek. He got released from prison and became an advocate for judicial reform (if you aren’t familiar with the situation I implore you to read up on it because the media seriously misrepresented the facts to make him look like the bad guy and it goes to show the issues in our criminal justice system and the improvements that need to be made), the blockbuster beef with Drake was squashed onstage by performing Dreams and Nightmares (one of the greatest intros of all time), and he capped it off with an album. Championships is a victory lap, celebrating his comeback from a rough stretch involving some major losses. Funky vibes are present all over the album, which is uncharacteristic, but welcome for the usually hard hitting MC. Meek still raps about money, women, and his gritty past over beats that will blow out your speakers if you’re not careful, but also reflects on bigger topics like social injustice on “What’s Free” and “Trauma”. Amends are made with Drake on “Going Bad”. Meek once again proves that he’s undefeated when it comes to intros with a Phil Collins sample. Championships is the celebration of a man that took his lumps and came back, pop some bottles and join in on the party.

Top 3: What’s Free?, Dangerous, Pay You Back

Tha Carter V - Lil Wayne

Word of The Carter V surfaced before I started college… I finished grad school this past year. The album spent the better part of the decade tied up amid legal battles and feuding with Wayne’s old mentor, Birdman, and Cash Money Records. Wayne spent the time releasing various projects to try and satisfy the demand. Carter V seemed to be this decade’s Detox, an album we would always hear about but never actually get. Thank goodness that was not the case. The album clocks in just shy of 90 minutes, a hefty listen. But remember, the album was once slated for a 2013 release and contains material recorded as far back as 2012. Personally, I’m glad Wayne decided to include as much material as he did, this was a long time coming. It’s easily his best project in quite some time and reminds people of why Wayne dominated last decade. There’s something to offer Wayne fans of all eras, Mixtape Weezy, early Carter, and experimental Wayne are all present on this record. Hype tracks like “Uproar” are contrasted with duets like “Dark Side of the Moon”. Wayne lights up verses on “Let It Fly” and “Mona Lisa” (which also contains an impressive appearance from Kendrick). The record is a fun listen start to finish, welcome back, Weezy.

Top 3: Dope New Gospel, What About Me, Let It Fly

Daytona - Pusha T

Daytona had expectations. We last heard from Push in 2015 and this was the first of the wave of albums from G.O.O.D. Music this summer, not to mention one of the ones that was recorded during Kanye’s sojourn in Wyoming and also featured the photo of the late Whitney Houston’s bathroom as the controversial album cover. Daytona sounds like a modern take on the 90s boom-bap sound. Kanye West reminds everyone that he is a producer turned rapper, with top-tier production as executive producer and makes an appearance on “What Would Meek Do?”. Push then gobbles up these sensational beats akin to someone that waited all day to eat Thanksgiving dinner. The new G.O.O.D. CEO hits hard with the verses on every track and pulls no punches. “Infrared” brought his longtime beef with Drake from a simmer to a full boil and laid the ground for one of the most elaborate, methodical spillings of tea that music saw in some time. Originally intended to be King Push, Kanye and Push apparently decided to scrap 2 full albums before creating what would become Daytona, the wait and process was well worth it. The production is some of 2018’s best and the verses back it up. The drug dealer turned executive talks the talk and walks the walk. Yes it’s very early, but I’ll say it: this album will go down as a classic and be remembered as one of the better rap albums of the late 2010s.

Top 3: The Games We Play, Hard Piano, If You Know You Know

And finally, it’s been over 2 years, but go listen to Frank Ocean’s Blonde again. That album has aged like a fine wine.

[alltheworldsrpg-blog]

WELCOME TO ROSWELL, ADONIS PETYR

Admin Ais: Adonis is absolutely perfect as The Holo, and such an interesting contribution to the political game being played out in the rp. You managed to create a wonderfully complex and manipulative character, and I loved reading about his personal feelings on his position and his motivations.

You’ve been accepted as THE HOLO with the faceclaim of KIM WOO-BIN. Please follow all rules and regulations as laid out by the Roswell Town Council, especially concerning any non pre-approved biologic. All UFO’s outside of city limits must be stickered or will be towed. Enjoy your stay in the first city of extraterrestrials. 

OUT OF CHARACTER.

NAME/ALIAS + PRONOUNS:

Kael, he/him.

AGE:

Nineteen years old.

TIMEZONE + ACTIVITY:

Y’all know I go through college and I’m a human disaster–I’m at GMT+8:00 and I’d put my activity at a solid 6 for the moment because of fast paced summer classes, but afterwards? 8 or a higher probably before school.

TRIGGERS:

Removed for privacy. 

ANYTHING ELSE?: X.

IN CHARACTER.

SKELETON TITLE: The Holo

FULL NAME: Adonis Petyr

GENDER + PRONOUNS: Cis male, he/him

SEXUAL + ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Homosexual homoromantic.

DATE OF BIRTH + AGE: November 5th + 26 years old

OCCUPATION: Protege to the current Chosen.

FACECLAIM: Kim Woo-bin

BIOGRAPHY:

Your life is not your own. It is the first lesson you learn.

You were something made to propel everyone else into the great unknowns of the future, bringing about altruistic change to the world that you’d grown up on. You were to be of great importance, your parents said, a child whose destiny was to be part of something that could give rise to a new age that would tip the fates of many. You were the promise of a Starweaver to your parents, and you were going to deliver on that, whether you liked it or not.

You learned the cost of a new world early on–an assemblage of teachers, of tutors and groomers that would make you into a Chosen that the people deserved, that Proxima deserved. They built you up and stripped you down in to be who they wanted you to be. The golden child, the savior, the foothold in politics, and when they were done, they marveled at who you were, a child scrubbed clean of his identity. After that, the dream soured into a nightmare, making it feel like servitude–forced indenture, rather than a choice you would have gladly made for yourself. But you smile, and grin, and bear it because there is no other choice to make.

At least, for now.

Like Atlas, you bore the weight of everything on your shoulders, of a destiny from a Starweaver, of the pressure from your parents to run and be the Chosen, even the people who never met you, but expected you to save them from themselves even though you wanted nothing more than to be one of the men who waited for deliverance. It was tiring, walking up to people and putting on facade after facade, only having moments to discard it and resent ever having to put a mask on before walking around and shaking hands and answering questions once more.

You felt the cracks on your face, on the carefully manufactured visage that they had constructed for yourself, weathered and worn, until the bubbling from the inside had to be released somehow, for fear you would burst from the sheer pressure. Haunting bars, haunting people in the dark of night was one of the only ways you could maintain everything thrown at you, shore up the supports for the cracks in your foundation. It was intoxicating, to say the least, always coming back for more under another name and another guise just to relax and live a life that seemed better than yours.

As the years leading up to the election went by, resentment grew and blackened within your heart because you were–you are more than what they made you to be, an obedient puppet, serving the whims of the people that you should so dearly think of. But in your bones, you knew that you were never meant to bend the knee or serve the masses, but to rule over them with sweet words and a sweeter tongue.

( You remember winning by a mere thousand votes–crocodile tears on the stand, hugging your opponent as a show of good faith, and you deliver your speech with the hammering of your heart inside your chest. It is good, you think, to show them emotion while you still have your plan in the works. Win their hearts over and they will bow down and smile when they do it.

And for a second, you feel yourself again, show through the cracks–even just for a while. )

Playing Luther’s protege did take some getting used to, the new impositions and rules chafing into your skin as if they were chaining you to the floor, but you managed to pull through, enjoying the little diplomatic acts that they had done for themselves on a regular basis. You were going to be in it for the long haul, you thought, as every board meeting, every public appearance, ever last one of Luther’s missions to some backwater place had to make you think of what to do when he was going to step down.

But this time, you control the moves you were going to set into place, the pace you were going to go, and you feel yourself return to something greater, something meant to wear a crown and preside over the masses. You smile and nod to the public as your mentor watches you at your periphery, a subtle glance, as if he hears the whispers of those in power and believes them. ( For a petty old fool, he knows how to listen, you’ll give him that. )

Though you watch as he self-destructs before you, his impartial leanings towards the masses making them walk into his arms every second he gets up on that pulpit, or consults with a foreign leader, and you barely have to lift a finger. You watch and laugh in private, for Luther was an age long past, and you are the harbinger of a brighter future.

( Once, you asked a Starweaver under cover of night, in cloak and hood, if what you wanted was going to come true. They smiled at you, a tense smile, full of nervousness and worry, and told you that if he was going to let himself be what they wanted to be, it would. If he was going to.

But if recent events have shown you, that’s not really a question for you anymore. Not really.

And with Luther, it wasn’t ever a question of if you would take the helm anymore—it was a question of when. )

MUSING + HEAD-CANONS.

HEAD-CANONS:

i. miss me, lover?

Your first tryst is with a boy you don’t remember–maybe he never was worth remembering.

You remember looking at the bright neon, the glare of the lights and the bodies, the strobing of the nearby clubs as you skulked down what was a dark alleyway into a den of vice and debauchery. It was against all they taught you, against everything that you’ve learned from sacred texts and philosophy–no leader should be attracted to the allures of the forbidden, but when did happiness and duty ever meet?

But what you remembered the most wasn’t the bright lights or the the allure of it all, it was the intoxicating power that came with it, every moan, every hitch of his breath that you made happen in a matter of minutes. He was putty in your hands, and you can’t forget about the look in his eyes, the unmistakable devotion that he gave you as you held his tenderness in your hand and made him see brightness in the skies.

( Pleasure is the most intoxicating drug you know. )

ii. moving forward.

You see glamour and technology as you walk within the streets, and you curse yourself for not coming to Earth sooner.

Technological marvels are wondrous and many-faced, and you want so badly for the future to be as bright and as gleaming as the cities that dot the Earth’s landscape, of a Proxima that rivaled that of the Luytan’s home with might that rivaled that of Earth. For an observer in a foreign land, there is much to be learned from watching and waiting at the wings, not that your mentor has any reason to want for a modern world.

But you are determined to bring this to your backwater world, a forceful renaissance in the history of Proxima, for you have grown tired of horses and candlelit houses, and seek the beauties of metal and technology. There is so much to learn, so much to do, if Proxima could just leave the past behind and walk towards the future.

( And if they resist? Well, everyone needed a little push. )

TIDBITS:

i. Adonis likes black tea and often prefers an overpriced coffee milkshake to an economical black coffee, just because he’s worth it. He also has a really long order that he sticks to most of the time, but no one could ever get right.

ii. While he has a handle on sex, he has more of an awkward time trying to actually date someone, since almost all his exposure was through seedy bathrooms and secret motels. He does try to be romantic sometimes, but it just doesn’t have the same effect.

iii. After finding out that his “protector” was not on his side, Adonis is currently trying to learn martial arts and weapons handling for fear of being assassinated in a dark alley with no one to defend him. It’s a fear he’s kept on the back of his mind ever since, and it’s not one he’s going to stop having for a long time.

iv. He doesn’t talk to his parents, not after they basically moulded him into being their perfect little pawn for political and financial gain. They’re his dirty little secret that he wouldn’t share for the world, even if it gave him the throne.

v. Though he is supposed to dress modestly, he wears his clothes with a little bit of flair for people to remember him by. He doesn’t remember visually, so he mixes and matches and it mostly looks like the same thing, though with little alterations.

vi. Adonis has one tattoo. He’ll show you where if you ask nicely.

vii. Luther is cold and unfeeling and is full of secrets, much like him–Adonis thinks that he wanted to impress him once, but not anymore. These days, he’s much too busy plotting for himself rather than caring about what Luther thinks of him.

PLOTS + CONNECTIONS:

story arcs:

i. the pieces are all set.

The passing of the torch is meant to happen sometime, and Adonis prefers having all his duck in a row when he’s made the new Chosen among his people–I’d like to see him try and curry favor amongst political leaders and the Centaurian council members to at least get them on his side. It’s going to take some charisma and political will, but he thinks he can manage that, even with the several dangers that are on all sides.

There’s also the fact that he needs to get public perception on his side if he ever wants a chance of ever taking power for himself, and so I’d like him to try to be the golden boy that the Centaurians see, though we all know it’s a facade.

ii. the fallout.

This arc could go one of two ways–success or failure.

Either way, it involves him doing damage control with the affected groups that would have him taken out of his rightful place ( or so he thinks. ) Suppression and eradication in the shadows would be done, attracting support from the populace or sympathy, if the event calls for it.

For success, keeping the throne and making plans to get to Proxima Centauri to consolidate forces are of paramount importance, as well as silencing any opposition to his rule, from council member to guards. Adonis doesn’t tolerate unloyalty when he succeeds, and he does not suffer traitors for the life of him.

For failure to take the throne, he will try to muster support to his cause to take the throne from Luther or any insurgents that may threaten his ascent. I’d like to see him combat the insurgents with any political power that he may still have and piece together his reputation back up again.

I’d like to see him use his guile to survive the new reality he finds himself in when he makes a beeline for the Centaurian leadership.

connections:

i. darling, my mouth is poison.

You’re a regular Casanova, and you know it, using your good image and blinding white smile to consistently string along a number of guys, and it is so enjoyable to have them be at your beck and call when you ask. But political intrigue and information is your main goal now, and this is why you’ve seduced–or at least tried to seduce, them. They don’t know your agenda yet, and you’re not keen on letting them know, but you’re patient and persistent, and you’ll get something out of them yet.

ii. the ties that bind.

Allies are hard to come by, and in this current political climate and the hplots against you, it’s harder to find anyone who would knowingly align themselves with you, knowing what you have in store. And yet, they are by your side, an alliance–either momentary or permanent, where both of you could come out on top, seeking higher power and farther reaches beyond your meager stations. You don’t know if they’re by your side for the long run, or if they’re going to ditch you when they get what they want, but you’re grateful to have at least one person reaching for the same goals as you.

iii. my most beloved harbinger.

A willing follower, your first, and one of your closest friends. Adoration may scare some leaders, and may even be unadvisable for most, but you see it as a tool to use when necessary. They believe in the vision you share, even if it is just fragments, and you are grateful for their utter passion to your cause, their unwavering belief in you. You’ve needed a right hand for so long, a second to throw down the iron gauntlets, as your guard and protector has chosen such a contrary side to the aspirations that you have.

WRITING SAMPLE:

Removed for privacy. 

ETC:

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moodboard: x