#i feel like I’ve annoyed a few people on Tumblr today :’)))

[jolynesmom]

hey can u share ur void success story? Would love to see it

hii this is the storytime I promised about getting into the void first try <3

disclaimer: this post is long asf, I like being very detailed when talking about such stuff because you may never know which insignificant detail might help someone + I always liked when people would go into detail about shifting or the void state

this happened a few months ago. I’m a reality shifter and have been trying for around 4 years and never succeeded for more than a few seconds, so I got extremely burned out with the traditional methods

I decided to research about shifting on tumblr to see if the community is popular here as well (previously I’ve only researched about it on tiktok, reddit and a bit on youtube) and found a bit of general info about shifting, but what has gotten my attention was a person who got into the void state and instantly manifested their desires. I thought it looked a lot like shifting so I read some more

I knew a tiny bit about the void state from shifttok, but I’ve never been interested to learn more until that point. the og post said that they specifically reached the void state by doing yoga nidra so I thought it was a requirement for the void at that point. I didn’t know what yoga nidra was, so I sent the person a message asking about it and went about my day deciding I’m giving up on traditional methods and will start to work with the void state

for some reason I didn’t research any further that day (probably because I was burnt out by my shifting attempt the night before and didn’t feel like ingesting more information)

at night I decided to try to shift again. I drank blue lotus tea and put on a guided meditation. after 10 minutes I get bored and switched the meditation for white, brown and pink noises and fell asleep saying affirmations

I got woken up by my alarm at around 10 a.m. (I didn’t shift) and I tried to get out of bed to really woke up, but I ended up falling asleep until 11:30 a.m. when I got woken up again by my loud parents getting ready for work, so I tried to play on my phone to get more lucid and not fall asleep again because I didn't feel like getting out of bed, but I also didn't want to continue sleeping. my eyes were practically closing by themselves atp, but I went on tumblr and saw the person I messaged the night before answered my message and said they'll post a guide one of these days. after thanking them I closed my eyes again thinking of the void state. I remember saying to myself something like “I really want to get into the void, I can’t wait for the guide so I can do yoga nidra”

for the next hour I fell asleep for 10 minutes then woke up for 1-3 minutes at least 3 times (I was very tired, probably because of the previous shifting attempt) and my thoughts were completely blank;

at some point I find myself in my kitchen trying to make coffee and I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or not because the dream was very clear and I usually make coffee after getting out of bed so I thought I had finally woken up

I noticed the jar of instant coffee was almost empty and I asked myself "why is it almost empty, I bought a new jar yesterday" (I finished my jar yesterday and wanted to buy a new one today btw), then when I went pick up the jar I was instantly hit with the realization that I was lucid dreaming, so not even a second later I threw myself to the ground in a crisscross position to allow myself to fall through the floor and shift to my dr

when I hit the ground I closed my eyes and stated my intention of wanting to shift to my jujutsu kaisen dr, but I didn’t even get to finish my intention when I felt myself being pulled through the floor in an infinite dark void; I realized I entered the void state

I was calm, but really wanted to get to my dr, so I started affirming and visualizing. I felt myself being pulled again through the void, a bit lower, before stopping again

I got annoyed and started thinking of my dr again then started hearing a voice; I listened for a bit then realized I was hearing an argument between yuuji and megumi. I didn't understand because they were talking in japanese, but at the same time I understood the message?? they were arguing about how to exorcise a curse or something like that

the weird thing about their voices is that when I dream, lucid dream, visualize or make up scenarios, all the voices are quiet and muffled in the distance and the tone never changes, but the voices I was hearing were loud and clear as if I was next to them, which has NEVER happened to me before. I think I literally stood there frozen for 15 seconds because of how loud and real (?) their voices sounded

anyways

I was getting annoyed because I kept getting distracted and started saying affirmations and trying to imagine where I wanted to wake up. I couldn't feel my body the whole time, I was pure conciseness.

I told myself that as long as I shift, I don't care where I end up, then suddenly I started to hear more voices including a girl's voice (they were most probably people from other drs of mine).

I got confused and a bit alarmed, so I asked out loud what do I have to do to shift. suddenly all the voices got muffled and a man with a lower voice started talking to me in english. I didn't know who that was and I got confused, but tried my best to follow his instructions. I started to hear noises from my cr (the cars passing my apartment as I live in a noisy area) but tried not to wake up. because of the noises I woke up and suddenly I was in my room again. I panicked but didn’t open my eyes or move my body (I could semi-feel my body, but it was mostly asleep) and literally yelled in my mind ‘I want to get back into the void!!�� suddenly I’m in the void again, this time I didn’t feel the falling sensation, it was instant

back into the void I saw nothing was working I decided to shift to my waiting room because I remembered someone once saying that a waiting room is some kind of parallel located between your cr and other realities and this is why it can be easier to shift there. I intended to shift to my waiting room then felt how my body got pulled lower into the void again, then it suddenly stopped when I heard my phone buzzing in my cr because of a notification

I got extremely frustrated and decided to fully wake up

I woke up at around 1:20 p.m. and was very happy with what I just went through.

thinking about the last voice for a bit, I initially thought it was gojo, but it sounded too different to be him, plus the man was talking in english, so I figured it could've been zhongli from my genshin dr since I scripted english is an universal language in teyvat, but then I thought it was weird that he responded since I'm not very close to him in my dr, but after some more thinking I realized that we're actually connected in my dr so it kinda makes sense to be him, but I'm still not 100% sure, I'm only sure about hearing yuuji and megumi arguing

it took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize that when I was in the void and said I want to shift to my dr and started falling then stopped and I heard yuuji and megumi, I was actually in my dr and I just needed to wake up. I thought I would get woken up instantly just like with shifting methods, but I actually had to wake myself up from the void. my information was very limited because, like I said in the beginning, I only read one or two posts about the void state beforehand

it would also make sense to hear yuuji and megumi first thing before waking up in my dr, because I scripted that when they go in the school to get sukuna’s finger, I would be asleep in one of the offices (don’t ask) and will witness the whole thing

I think the way I got into the void is an actual method; I forgot the name of it but it might’ve been the phrase method, I’m not too sure

it also shows you don’t have to have a perfect mindset as I thought I can’t possibly get into the void until I do yoga nidra for a few days, so all you need is intention and an alternate state of consciousness

additional things (you can totally skip this if you want to)

after I got into the void state that day, I continued practicing the void state and I almost got into it at least 15 times, but instead of doing it via a lucid dream, I used the lullaby and distraction methods because I have a hard time lucid dreaming. every time I would be pulled into the void with these methods I would instantly think of my cr or get impatient and be immediately be pulled out, so I’m working on that and on how to lucid dream more often

I think I’m getting close into reaching the void again, because I’ve been working on meditation and started teaching my subconscious mind not to think of my cr while going into the void state.

the months of march and april were literally stagnant for me with no little to no success because I strongly believe I got the evil eye or something like that. at the end of february I went back to my home country (which is in eastern europe) to attend my cousin’s 18th birthday and I think I might have been cursed by one of the old ladies attending. I would always get the evil eye by them as a kid, but my grandma would usually remove it for me

my manifestations stopped and I couldn’t reach the void again but I thought it was because of work and uni related stress, but then it hit me it might be something else because I literally never had issues with my manifestations but suddenly I couldn’t manifest anything anymore, so I performed a cleanse and now I’m back again manifesting like it’s my job

a few nights ago I tried to get into the void, after like 8 minutes of meditation my body fell asleep while my mind was awake and I could’ve entered the void, but I sabotaged myself because I told myself I needed to go to sleep asap because I need to wake up in 3 hours for work so I moved around a bit and went to sleep

anyways, I’ll try to get into the void again and keep y’all updated. next month I go back to my home country where is peace and quiet so I think I’ll have a better time without stressing about uni, work or the noisy area I live in

[groovebunker]

i’m gonna be obnoxious about this and people are just going to have to be cool about that. yes? good.

happy birthday to what would you do (if they ever found us out) (affectionately known as wwyd)!!! a year ago today, i posted chapter one and (i’m not being dramatic here) i think it changed my life?

little backstory: i’m a dyke with eyes and a type, so when i watched fran drescher making impassioned speeches about labour rights, i was both smitten and reminded that i’d been meaning to watch the nanny. i was also (mostly unbeknownst to me) about as mentally ill as i’ve ever been in my life. i was halfway through a phd which i loved but it was making me so, so unwell. anyway, i started watching the nanny as some kind of escapism and one night, i was like…has anyone thought of fran and cc kissing on the mouth? and they had (obviously) and so i started thinking about that and how whine cellar is a deeply disappointing episode in so many ways and then i was like ‘i can fix that! with a one shot!’.

fast fwd to april 2024. i’m in my favourite city in the world. i’m posting the 11th chapter of that one shot far too late at night (sorry sara). it’s ended up about 85k words long. i’m no longer a phd candidate. i’m significantly less mentally ill. and i’ve spent the last 8 or so months being held by a group of people i would never have met if i had never started writing again.

i didn't quit my phd to write fan fiction, obviously. but writing fic helped me realise how unhappy i was because it was something that gave me joy in a time that was so fucking bleak. i don't really like thinking about it too much but it wasn't great. and then i had this lifeline. these two idiots (affectionate) falling in love with one another, not only in wwyd but all the other fics i was writing. and talking about with people who were commenting and finding me on tumblr. and then, eventually, we weren't just talking about fran and cc, we were talking about our lives! because we were friends!

people will tell you before you start a phd that it's a lonely experience. i was the only history student in my cohort. i only met one of my supervisors in person at his leaving drinks. i have two friends i met at my uni, one of whom was the first person i told that i had to quit. i had other friends and an incredible, loving, patient partner, and they were amazing. but still, it was lonely.

and then i just fucking wasn't.

january ‘24, the squad evolved from being my stupid tumblr tag to being the most chaotic group chat i have ever been part of (until nic got us nicely organised). a week or so later, i quit the phd. and i told a bunch of people i’d never met that i was dropping out of grad school and they were so fucking kind. i will never forget that. the squad, in all its iterations, will have my heart for my whole life. i will not rest until i have annoyed you all in person. my dream is winning the lottery and flying you all to a villa in spain for a week so i can cook you dinner (and cass can make bread) every night and drink wine and splash about in the sun (or in sara’s case, hide in the shade and probably yell at us to put sun screen on). when i say i love you, i mean it so wholly and truly.

anyway, back to wwyd. it’s not my first fic. i’ve been writing on and off for 15 long, long years. but i hadn't written a ton for a while (other than my aloto fic bc gretson my beloved) and i really kind of expected to get a couple of comments and a few kudos. i just had a story that wanted to get out so i published the first few chapters in really rather quick succession (i’m sorry to anyone who reads my stuff, my adhd is too bad for a posting schedule) and people…loved it? like, really loved it. which was so nice because i’m gonna be honest, there was not an adoring audience for my academic work (perils of being a genocide scholar). and i know it's become quite a few people’s comfort fic. i know people have reread it, more than once in some cases, which feels wild. people have left the most wonderful comments, said the kindest things, drawn gorgeous art, made a fanmix (which is fucking amazing), followed along on this journey which i did not expect them to do.

i don't have favourite children (b&w fans, i promise you, the next chapter is in the works) but if i did, wwyd might be one. sure, she's my difficult eldest child. but she got me into a fandom for the first time in years, she’s given me friends i know I will hold onto for the rest of my life, she reminded me how much fun writing can be. and she’s spawned so much more because she made me so much more confident as a writer.

so i don't think i’m being overdramatic when i say it changed my life. if you’d told me all of this when i hit publish on chapter one last year, i would have told you to fuck off. relatively vehemently. but i’m better now. and i’m so fucking grateful for this fic for being part of what gave me that.

anyway, thanks for letting me be a bit self indulgent - promise you don't have to sit through this ever again (maybe for won't you when i finally get it done. i’m sorry. i’m verbose). and once again, to everyone who has read wwyd, given it kudos, commented, reblogged a chapter on tumblr, all of it, my eternal thanks. i couldn't have done it without you.

finally, because i cannot say it enough, to the squad, you have my whole heart. it’s actually mad to me that this time last year, i had no idea who any of you were. your stamp on the last few chapters of wwyd is indelible. your stamp on my life is somehow more permanent than that. thank you. ilsym 🫶🏻

[auspicious-manner]

Can i request newsies era mike trying to cheer up the reader on a bad day?

a year ago today, i uploaded my very first story on tumblr :,) i’ve written on other platforms before, but when i made this account a year ago, i was hoping for a fresh start. i didn’t know if people would like my writing, but i told myself it was worth a shot. and it’s been so worth it.

to everyone who reads my stories, interacts with it, follows me, and sends in request, i thank you. i write for you guys, and knowing that i’ve made others happy is truly such a gift. in honor of my one year anniversary, enjoy this mike story! it seems only fitting that i upload a mike story exactly a year after i uploaded my first mike story 😁

also, i recently got a request for a taglist for my stories! if any of you want to be added to my taglist for any of my stories/fandoms, pls just let me know! i never thought that would be something people would be interested in, so i never proposed it before 😅

fem reader x mike faist

warnings: sickness, accidents

mike taglist: @diorgirl444

Unlucky

•

the universe was clearly against you. there could be no other explanation. every event leading up to the show on this particular day led you one step closer to full fledged insanity.

you and mike were in newsies on broadway at the same time. he was one of the delancey brothers, an understudy for jack, and a newsie. you were a bowery beauty, nun, and an understudy for katherine. given that you and mike were so close and had the same schedule, a month prior you two had decided to move in together.

mike was your comfort person. you weren’t dating, but you weren’t friends. you were somewhere in the middle with him, but the two of you had never actually talked out your feelings. you both seemed to be happy with where you were.

on the fateful morning, you woke up and immediately sat up in your bed. your throat was scratchy. you frowned, immediately thinking of the worst. you took a sip of water and the pain was worse. not only that, but you were shivering under the weight of three blankets and a hoodie, and you felt like your head was going to split open at any second.

you had a fever.

you laid back down, groaning. you had a show tonight, and it was an important show. you had friends and family from out of town coming to support you, and they had been planning this trip for weeks.

“mike!” you called out, your voice slightly hoarse. there was no reply.

“mike!” you yelled a bit louder, your hands immediately going to hold your throat from the pain.

finally, when he didn’t reply again, you rolled over to get your phone to call him. he answered, almost annoyed. “Y/N, what do you want?”

“where are you?” you asked.

“i ran out to the store.”

you coughed gently. “are you still there?”

“no, why?”

you sighed, closing your eyes. “i’m sick and i wanted some cold medicine.”

there was silence for a few moments. “oh, are you okay?” mike asked, his tone immediately switching from one of annoyance to one of genuine concern.

“i’m fine, i just need to get better before the show starts tonight,” you replied, putting a hand on your forehead. you were burning up.

mike sighed. “you shouldn’t go on tonight if you’re sick, Y/N. it’s not worth it.”

“my family and friends from home are coming tonight. i absolutely cannot miss this.”

mike paused, like he was thinking about what to do. “okay, fine, i’ll go back to the store and bring you home some medicine.”

“thanks mike, see you soon.”

you hung up the call and laid your phone on the nightstand by your bed. after another fifteen minutes of zoning out, you came to the conclusion that there was no use in laying around being miserable all day. you figured that if you got up and made yourself useful you’d feel better.

you gently sat up, and slowly moved to put your feet on the floor. the cold hardwood beneath your feet made you even colder than you already were. you walked to the kitchen, feeling more fatigued than you ever had before. even though you weren’t hungry, you got out the ingredients to make an omelet. you were so focused on your cooking skills that the rest of the world faded into silence, but it also could have been the fact that you couldn’t hear because your sinuses were clogged.

as you were flipping the omelet in the pan, you heard a loud “boo!” in your ear and someone gently shoving you. you gasped, accidentally touching the side of the burning pan with your fingers. you yelped in pain and threw the pan back down on the stove, turning around to see mike with a grin on his face. however, the grin quickly faded when he saw not only your burnt fingers but also how sickly and pale you looked.

“mike, what the hell?” you croaked, holding your fingers as you walked to the freezer to grab some ice. it felt like the tips of your fingers had burned off.

mike put down his plastic grocery bag on the counter. “dammit, Y/N, i’m sorry. i didn’t realize you were this bad,” he said sadly.

you rolled your eyes, the coldness of the ice counteracting the burns on your fingers. “did you think i was kidding about being sick?”

“no, i just didn’t know you felt that terrible,” he paused. “are you sure you can perform tonight?”

you nodded. “i can’t miss it.”

mike gave you a look like he didn’t believe you, and that he didn’t like your stubborn decision. you both went silent before mike stepped closer to you, glancing at your burnt fingers. “now i feel bad for scaring you.”

you couldn’t help but crack a smile at mike. even though he scared you and caused you to burn three fingers, he always knew how to make you smile. “you should feel bad. my fingertips are in pain.”

you finished making your omelet and took some of the medicine mike had brought home. you planned to take some more medicine shortly before the show.

after the cold medicine kicked in and your fever was suppressed, you actually felt relatively okay. in order to convince yourself that you were better, you agreed to go to the park with mike for some fresh air.

walking around central park with mike was good for your soul. you loved the fresh air and the nature of it all, but having mike by your side made it so much better. as often as he got on your nerves, he was your best friend. he made you giddy and excited, and every time he complimented you after a show it would make you nervous and give you butterflies. he knew it did too, thats why he kept doing it; he liked making you flustered.

you layered on jackets in the brisk autumn air, as you still had a leftover chill in your body from your sickness.

“how are you feeling? better?” mike asked as you both walked.

“yeah, a lot better, but i know when that medicine wears off i’m going to feel like crap again. and wrapping my fingertips has made them feel a little bit better,” you said, glancing at your fingers that were wrapped in a thin layer of gauze and medical tape.

“is there anything i can do? you know, to help?”

you smiled to yourself. “no, mike, thank you though,” you said quietly and sweetly. “having you here is enough.”

mike blushed lightly, putting an arm lazily around your shoulders. “stop being so sappy.”

you continued like that for a while longer, with you under his arm enjoying the park around you. not long later, mike told you he was going to run to the bathroom, and you told him you’d wait by a tree for him.

as you waited, you people watched everyone around you. you thought about how everyone there had their own stories. their own lives. just as you were sick and preparing to perform in front of your closest friends and family for the first time, these other people had their own life problems to attend to, and no one would be the wiser. it was oddly peaceful knowing that there are so many stories being written around you.

suddenly, you were pulled out of your daydream by a soccer ball being kicked into the side of your head. you may have been people watching, but the kids playing with the ball seemed to come out of nowhere for you.

you held the side of your head and groaned as the sound of small footsteps approached you. “sorry, miss,” a little boy’s voice said as he grabbed the ball and ran back to his friends.

not long later, mike came back and saw you sitting against the tree, rubbing the side of your head.

“are you okay?” mike asked, reaching down to help you stand.

“some little brats kicked a soccer ball at my head,” you groaned. standing up made you feel a bit dizzy.

mike gently brushed the part of your head that was hit, and you winced. “god, Y/N, today is just not your day. that’s definitely going to bruise, let’s get you home.”

you walked back to your apartment together, and rested until it was time to head to the theater. you packed a backpack with everything you might need and you and mike headed off to the subway station.

as you boarded the subway, you tripped over a small ledge on the edge of the subway and began to fall, but luckily, mike was in front of you and you caught yourself on his back. you hoped no one noticed, but as you looked around, the people already sitting down were staring, and an old man snickered at your misfortune.

mike maneuvered himself so he was behind you, guiding you to an open spot. “what was that about?”

you were on the verge of tears. “i’m so unlucky today.”

mike hesitated before grabbing your hand and squeezing it tight. “hey, just think, tonight is going to be a great show, you have family and friends in the audience,” mike said close to your ear. “soon enough, everything that’s happened today won’t matter.”

you nodded. “i just hope the show goes well.”

you both arrived at the theater, checking yourselves in and preparing to head to your separate dressing rooms. before you parted ways, mike pulled you aside and brushed a strand of hair out of your face with his fingers. he could tell you were nervous.

“you’ll be just fine, Y/N. i’ll see you soon.”

in your dressing room, you unraveled the bandages over your fingers, and the skin was raw and tender. you weren’t exactly sure how to cover it for the show, but you dabbed some skin colored makeup onto it in hopes that it would be unnoticeable.

you looked at yourself in the mirror; you really did seem out of it. your head hurt, you fingers hurt, and your cold medicine was beginning to wear off. you reached into your backpack to find the medicine and you took it, hoping for some type of relief.

not long before the show started, you warmed up your voice as you got your costume on. there was a knock at the door and you yelled “come in!” to whoever it was. the door swung open and you found mike in his newsie/delancey costume and makeup. you always thought he looked so good in his costumes.

“how are you feeling?” mike asked, walking up to you. you were in your nun costume, so you didn’t seem as flattering as you would have liked.

“well, my fingers are sore, my head hurts, and my ego is bruised from almost falling earlier. but at least my medicine is working,” you said sarcastically. you tried to play it off as something funny, but inside you were a nervous, painful wreck. you were trying to fake it ‘til you made it, but mike saw right through you.

his blue eyes softened, and he rubbed your shoulders comfortingly. “i know you’re nervous, and i know you are having a rough day. but breathe, and stay focused. you’re the most talented person i know. you can get through this.”

you closed your eyes and breathed out. he instantly made you feel better. the cold medicine helped to an extent, but mike was your ultimate cure for all ailments.

“will i see you after the show?” you asked. a lot of times, mike was able to leave the theater earlier than you after the show, and more often than not, you liked to chat with everyone and stick around for longer. you didn’t mind that mike never seemed to hang around much after the show.

“you’ve got friends and family to see, so i’ll probably head home right after. is that okay?” he asked gently, like he didn’t want to be the next thing to set you off.

you nodded understandingly. “of course, mike. i’ll see you during the show.”

mike smiled and patted your shoulder before heading out.

the show began, and you waited in the wings for your first scene. your first scene was during carrying the banner, where the three nuns feed the newsie boys.

as you went out on stage, your mind seemed to be in a blur. you felt like you couldn’t concentrate. the goal was for muscle memory to kick in, and you didn’t have to worry about anything. sadly, it didn’t, and during your part of carrying the banner, your voice cracked due to your sickness, and it felt sharp and out of place against the angelic voices of the other nuns.

your eyes widened, and you prayed nobody heard it despite it being insanely obvious. you fought the urge to cry onstage.

at the end of that segment, you headed off the stage and had no time to think about your mistake before hurriedly getting into your bowery beauty costume. you wanted to go home. you wanted to be with mike. at this point, you didn’t even care to see your friends and family from out of town. there was only one person that mattered.

you got into costume and looked at yourself in the mirror. you tried to pull yourself together, since you had friends and family in the audience that undoubtedly saw your screw up. you had to bring it back.

as your time approached for the scene in medda’s theater, you waited in the wings, trying to calm yourself down. you tried your hardest to ignore the pain on your head and your fingers.

finally, it was time to go onstage, and everything was going just fine. you didn’t want to get too confident, however, because you had a feeling if you did it would all come crashing down again.

you got through your bowery beauty scene in one piece, with no mishaps. you were feeling better mentally and physically.

you waited in your dressing room for curtain call, and as you walked out on stage to take your bow, you raised your arm and smiled into the crowd. as you brought your arm down to bow, your arm hit the back of your wig, and it slid down over your head. you quickly and nervously attempted to cover your mistake, and you slid the wig back up before walking to the back of the stage.

that seemed to be the last straw for you. a stray tear escaped your eye and you hoped no one saw. this was the worst day possible. you had friends and family in the audience and you wanted everything to be perfect, but it was far from it. you felt like crap, your head and fingers ached, and you were embarrassed. as you watched mike take his bow on stage, you wanted nothing more than to be comforted by him. you needed him by your side.

however, nothing was ever that easy, and you still had to get out of makeup and costume and talk with the people that came to see you all while holding back the tears that were inevitably going to come out.

you took off your costume as fast as possible, avoiding conversations with your other cast mates at all costs. there was only one that you needed.

you met your friends and family by the stage door, and they congratulated you on your performance despite it being subpar. you tried to keep the conversations to the minimum. when you finally felt like you were on the verge of a full fledged breakdown, you excused yourself, telling them you were tired and needed to go home. you thanked them for coming before turning to the direction of the station and never looking back.

on your ride home, you kept your mind free of thoughts in order to keep the intrusive ones away. you knew if you kept thinking about what went wrong, you’d go crazy.

finally, at last, you arrived at your apartment and unlocked the door. mike was sitting on the couch, practically ready to doze off.

“mike, you could have gone to bed,” you said quietly.

he stared at you like that was a dumb thing to even consider. “i was waiting for you to get home.”

at that moment, you felt your heart melt. throughout everything that had happened, mike was your one constant. he was the calm within the storm of events that unfolded throughout the day.

you broke down, and began to cry. mike sat up on the couch and held out his arms. “oh, sweetheart, come here.”

you obliged, and sat down on the couch next to him. almost instinctively, you leaned into his body, resting your head on his chest. he wrapped both of his arms around you comfortingly, and he placed his hand on the side of your head. as you laid in his arms, you just cried.

“i wanted everything to be perfect today. first i got sick, then i burnt myself, then i hit my head, and then i tripped on the subway,” you swallowed, trying to talk clearly despite the tears. “a-and the one thing i could control, the one thing i could save, i fumbled. i messed up twice on stage.”

mike rubbed your head gently. “i know, Y/N, i’m sorry. i know how important this was. if it makes you feel any better, i barely noticed your mistakes.”

“i-i’m not sure how,” you said, sniffling. “they were pretty bad. i’m just…embarrassed.”

mike sat up, causing you to come with him. part of you was sad that you had to leave the comfy position you were in. mike looked into your eyes briefly before lightly placing his hands on either side of your face.

“Y/N, we’re performers. we make mistakes. trust me, there’s so many people even in our company that have made worse mistakes. take me, for example,” mike started, breaking eye contact briefly. “remember when i got my leg stuck in a chair during king of new york?”

you giggled. “y-yeah, i do. you turned so red.”

mike smiled. “there’s that signature Y/N smile again.”

you blushed, and mike used his thumbs to brush away stray tears. he removed his hands from your face and held your hands. “we all have off days. you’re the strongest person i know, and you got through today like a champ. you may not be happy with yourself, but i’m always proud of you, mistakes and all. do you understand?”

when you looked down, you noticed he was rubbing the tops of your hands with his thumbs. “yeah, mike. thank you, genuinely. if it weren’t for your help today, i probably would have exploded.”

mike grinned, and you went back to your position on the couch in his arms. to you, it felt like nothing mattered and nothing would matter ever again. all you could see in that moment was you and him.

mike laughed. “if it weren’t for me, your fingers wouldn’t be sore right now.”

[jedimasterbailey]

Heyyy babe 😘 for the Choose Violence ask game: 1, 2, 9, 15, 16, 17

YESSSSSS I GET TO CHOOSE VIOLENCE TODAY 😁 Thanks dearest 💚💙

Link to original Star Wars Violence Questions linked below!

1.) Give me a compelling argument for why your fav would never top or bottom.

Luminara Unduli would never be a bottom because she definitely that bitch who is ALWAYS in charge. With all the bullshit she has to put up with in both the canon and in the fanon, that woman would have all the pent up feeling to go on all night or go full blown domantrix on whoever that lucky bottom would be (I would personally volunteer my services). No matter where she is and what she’s doing, Luminara gets shit done and that is that. Via osmosis, Barriss Offee is most likely a top too since her mother has taught her how to be a bad bitch like her 💙💚

2.) What character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because of how the fandom acts about them?

Grogu. Like he’s literally just a baby but my God judging from all the mass excessive merchandising you would think that at one point in time Grogu was the only Star Wars character that existed and that’s not necessarily his fault by the annoying group of people who literally only watched Mando just for Grogu and Grogu only. There are so many people out there who will never watch a Star Wars movie or anything else that isn’t Mando just because Grogu isn’t in it and again it’s insane because again he’s just a literal baby. If the show was exclusively about him, it would have been a boring show. If I wanted to look at something cute, I can just go look at puppies or some shit. I don’t need to watch a show for that.

9.) You’re mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like…

I honestly don’t have an answer for this sorry 🤣

15.) Opinion of Anakin’s characterization (I.e the broification of Anakin Skywalker).

This is a very loaded question because I don’t really swing either way with this topic (as in I don’t love or hate it). Like on the one hand, I like how in the CW show they made Anakin more with it and mature when the situation calls for it which makes sense considering he has Ahsoka to consider and he has to be a good role model for her. I also appreciate how in the show Anakin isn’t just bitching about Obi-Wan or obsessing over Padme all the time or being pissy with his other Jedi colleagues. I love seeing Anakin actually being a model Jedi and actually showing that he truly does love and respect Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, etc. However Anakin is seen as more sensitive in the movies and doesn’t always respond with such rage all the time like he does in CW show. Like bro Anakin’s anger goes from 0-1,000 in seconds to the point where he’s just destroying gadgets, kicking Clovis ass, etc. So in short, in some ways I personally think they did a good job expanding on Anakin’s character in the CW however there is no denying there is a huge distinction between Matt Lanter Anakin and Hayden Anakin. They most likely went the bro route because toxic masculinity is in.

16.) Best written female character in Star Wars.

Leia hands down. Her character is one of the very few Star Wars characters that is consistent and true in every single project we see with her in it. And like I’ve never met a Leia hater in my whole life and if I did I would question that person’s character because Leia is a badass that holds everything together when no one else will or when people leave her. She honestly deserves her own show.

17.) What event is Anakin’s point of no return in his fall to the Dark Side?

Shmi’s death. Had that never happened Anakin probably would not have taken those visions of Padme dying in childbirth or Palpatine’s bullshit stories seriously. It was only because Anakin lost his mother that he was insistent on keeping his wife and children safe at all costs because he did not want to endure that kind of pain ever again.

Original Ask Game Questions

[thatmomentwhen345]

Hi I know I never post personal stuff on here but I’m just having disconnected thoughts and I feel like you can say anything on tumblr and someone will connect with it, plus it has to do with pokemon so it’s relevant to ppl who follow me (presumably)

Don’t tell anyone I want it to be a surprise to the people who will actually see it but I’m working on a video right now of me ranking all of the different Pokeani dub opening songs and

HALT here is some important context before we continue

1. Last year (2023) I spent 7 months binging the entire pokeani

2. I livetweeted the whole thing for some reason (and subsequently left Twitter a few months later)

Anyway, so I’m scrolling through my ridiculously long twt thread to get screenshots and clips and be reminded of important plot beats so I can talk abt them in the video and I’m reliving some of these moments and

Yesterday I was looking for the episode where May loses her second chance at winning the Grand Festival during the battle frontier

I found it and I rewatched the end so I could record the clip I wanted.

Ngl, that was one of the strongest emotional reactions I had during my initial watchthrough. May’s breakdown was just so raw and EARNED and idk I haven’t cried a lot in the last few months but rewatching that bit over a year later that same powerful emotional reaction came back and it was like. Really cathartic

Last year was a rollercoaster for me and the Hoenn gang (Ash, Brock, Max, May) was with me during a somewhat traumatic period of the year but I don’t think about them as often as I do characters from other regions (namely the Kalos gang who I have a nostalgic connection to). But god I miss them and that period of my watchthrough (but not the period of my life LMAO)

And today I was reading my tweets from the Sun and Moon and Journeys period of the binge, reliving all the touching moments and it’s really weird because I dont think I’ve really processed much of the latter part of last year bc it was another weird time for me (turning 18, getting my first job, starting my first year of college) and

I’ve scrolled through that thread so many times since I finished that endeavor. But it just doesn’t compare to actually going back to the episodes themselves and seeing the little details my brain forgot or my thread didn’t mention. In fact, I think because I made the thread my brain chose to forget about everything that ISNT in the thread because it takes up less space in my head that way, but now that I’m committing so much brainpower to it again and actually rewatching some of those episodes is finally actually taking me back to last year and helping me process some of the stuff that happened? Or I could be bullshitting but idk

I said once my binge of the anime was over I was going to do so many creative things in relation to it but I think by the time I was finished my brain had had enough and so I kinda moved on quicker than I thought I would, or even wanted to. But now I’m finally revisiting those creative ideas I’m being reminded of just how much that stupid adventure meant to me and especially the characters yknow

The May example is just one of them. There are plenty of episodes I could go back to and the same thing would happen but I’m not ready for all that. I was just curious enough about the May clip because I didn’t remember it and because May basically didn’t show up at all after Sinnoh aside from a few second long cameo in Journeys but Fuck. It was even more heart wrenching than I remembered. Genuinely one of the realest moments in the show. I miss May, I miss the Hoenn gang. I miss all of the characters. I miss the escapism and the emotions

Anyway that’s enough rambling. I needed to talk about this somewhere and I think it would too out of place in the very first video I’ve ever done where I’m actually talking.

I know I said I livetweeted the entire thing but it was on my priv twitter and it was probably extremely annoying for the people who did follow me over there so like even though I was constantly talking about it, I didn’t really get to talk To anyone about it and I think that’s another part of why so much if it has gone unprocessed so if anyone is interested in hearing more of my thoughts on that experience I’m eager to share. And I suppose I’ll let you guys know when the video goes up if you’re interested. I’m planning to post it September 8th (2024), the anniversary of the English dub ending so keep an eye out if you’re interested

Thanks for listening tumblr people

[azherwind-art]

About reposts

So today for the first time, I found someone had re uploaded one of my comics into their instagram account without asking for permission first, I got notified by a commenter who tagged me on the picture to let this person know I also had an instagram account since they had only given credit to my tumblr url. After I expressed my discomfort with the images being uploaded without my consent the user quickly erased the post, and did not block me. Now, I absolutely do not think there was any ill intent by this person, and that it was just in the spirit of sharing something they enjoyed, I also think they must not have known about my instagram since they were clearly intending to give credit to the original artist (and seem to do so with all the other re uploads on their account) so I’m convinced this was in good spirits. If that person is a follower of mine (which they may not be) I just want you to know I hold no grudges against you, however to you, and all others out there who may think on making a re-upload account with the works of others I feel I should express a few words on why you should always ask the artist for permission on it. Even if you’re not claiming ownership of the piece of work you are uploading, you must still understand it isn’t really yours to take, even if it is published on a public platform and specially if your intent is to share the work it is always best to ask the creator for permission to do so. Like in this case, had this person asked me for permission (and had I granted that permission) they could have known I have an instagram account myself and been able to use that to give me credit in the post, instead of just the tumblr url. Which would be much more effective since when you ask people to jump platforms they are much less likely to do so, for any user jumping platforms is far more work than just clicking on my tagged account and immediately be taken to it. Otherwise you may even be taking more views away from them rather than helping them (at least in this case the re-upload had considerable more likes and such than my original post that was also on the platform) What I mean is, if you want to respect the artist and help them grow and expand their viewership then always ask them, they will always know best how to better give exposure to themselves and will be able to provide information and links. Now, I understand why that process is slower, more annoying, maybe even nerve wrecking cus you may fear you will anger the artist, well let me assure you, if your intent is to not upset anyone, and they are indeed against you re-uploading their work they will always be more angry and upset to find out you’ve already done it without asking than what they would been by being asked about it. Maybe they won’t give you permission, but it is their work, and it’s best to respect that, you just have to accept it. In my case, I tend to be very open to people re purposing what I do, most often when I’ve been asked to use my work, for dubbed videos, avatar pics, meme pics and so on I’ve happily accepted and simply provided and requested some link and contacts on my plaforms to better help me increase my own viewership. Artists even when doing fan art, put a lot of work, time and effort into it, so please always think in how what you do with their work can affect them, many of us do use those pieces of media for our livelihood (and living of art is hard). So please, to anyone out there that wants to use my work, just ask me about it, I promise I won’t bite. To all those of you who have asked me, I’m always very thankful to you for taking the proper route to do this and very flattered to know you take interest and enjoyment of what I do.

[bihansthot]

I cannot believe I missed what happened… You were the community itself. Accept it or not you still are. You can’t leave Just because some dickhead ignored your existence in the fandom. I mean come on! Anyone who knows the old games would appreciate people who loves Bi-Han. I might be a slut to different fictional men but Bi-han is definitely different. I appreciate you, loved your works. Fuck’em Sol, let’s create a group on tumblr for that, but we need to be careful about who we took in. I know you run a discord server but still, it would be fun. Think about it…

Once upon a time this was true, back when I wrote requests and head canons I was definitely part of the community. I was included in all the fun and games, people chatted with me regularly, I had loads of friends but the community has changed now, they’re mostly teens and 20 something’s who don’t care about an old dinosaur like me, especially not one who doesn’t create content anymore. I serve no purpose in today’s fandom, I’m just someone for them to block and ignore despite my trying. I feel as though a big part of the problem is that there’s so many minors now and as we all know I am not a minor friendly blog, that doesn’t mean me as a person isn’t friendly towards minors I just don’t want them reading my thirsty ass fics. I appreciate your kind words immensely though and am overjoyed you enjoy my works. I’m not entirely opposed to a tumblr group but wouldn’t have a clue on who to invite, I’m so very ostracized right now I don’t know that anyone would join. I just don’t know, I feel very lost, I still love Bi-Han more than anything but I also don’t want to annoy people further with it. The fact that very few people cared when I said goodbye to the fandom is proof that I just don’t belong anymore. It’s difficult, especially considering I’ve been a fan of the game longer than most of the new fanbase has been alive, but no one cares about that anymore. They’re all just in their little friend bubbles and won’t let anyone new or old in. It sucks but what can you do, like I said I just don’t belong anymore. I’d rather remove myself than be left out of everything and see Bi-Han constantly being at the bottoms of everyone’s charts, be the butt of “incorrect quotes” and be painted as a woman hating misogynist. It’s exhausting and I just can’t do it alone anymore. I’m still not opposed to a tumblr group but I can’t promise I’ll come back to the fandom, it’s just too lonely…

[mannatea]

(there are spoilers for the original Trigun series in this post!!)

Howdy meowdy. I watched the new Trigun Stampede episode from today and I have a hot take. Like, the hottest take about this series: this reboot is better than the original anime series run like.

I am going to die.

I don’t know how to describe it, but my only complaint about this week’s episode was the lack of the best character (Meryl, who can do no wrong) and also lack of my man Roberto (idiot old man whomst I love). But I have faith. I feel like this series is going to deliver the one thing I have been desperately craving since episode 1, which is Roberto calling Meryl by her name. C’mon guys, the setup is so clean. No way is he only calling her “Newbie” (while she reminds him she has a name every single time) for no payoff. We are getting payoff for this. It will probably be tragic. I don’t care. I need it. And I am so SOOOO confident we are going to get it.

To be clear, I did enjoy the original anime run when it came out, but I WAS AN IDIOT TEENAGER THEN, and most of my care for the series hinged on the first half of it. The western/humor vibes worked well for me in those days. I did do a rewatch some years ago (maybe..10 years ago?) and the tonal whiplash from the first half to the second half of the series was really...offputting I guess. I don’t remember if I even made it through that entire rewatch.

Now, I didn’t start Stampede when it first began airing because, when it was announced initially, I’m pretty sure the speculation around it was that it would be a prequel to the series, and honestly I just...wasn’t interested in that. Not that prequels are bad or anything, but...Trigun wasn’t a series where I wanted that. So imagine my surprise to learn through Tumblr gifs (of course, naturally, as you do) that it was actually a reboot of the series. Which. I was definitely interested in.

But to start watching Stampede, I really wanted to rewatch the original anime run as a...refresher? Mostly for comparison’s sake, because I’m a stupid bitch and I like being annoying about things. 

So a few weeks ago, I rewatched the entire original anime run for Trigun and...while I did make it through the series, I wasn’t...impressed. I mean, yeah, it’s old, blah blah, but that had little to do with it. The aesthetics and everything were fine, most of the jokes held up okay, but what really turned me off to the original anime was, YET AGAIN, the whiplash from the first half into the second. I think it could be said that it serves a narrative purpose, and that alone wasn’t really a problem for me, but the series also felt extremely rushed in that second half (especially with regards to the Gung-Ho Guns). I still think Wolfwood’s death in the original anime run was beyond iconic. I have aphantasia and I will still never get that scene out of my brain. It lives in there, completely rent-free. I can’t see it, but like. The knowledge of it. It lingers.

But other than that, I felt like most of the latter half of the original anime run was just...torture porn? Like, it wasn’t whump. It wasn’t hurt/comfort. It was just. Hurt? It went on for so long it was starting to make me uncomfortable. And then of course, the ending was rushed and Vash’s pacifist nature started to grate on me. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with vowing not to kill, especially for a character like him, but I’ve seen Thou Shall Not Kill done more convincingly in other pieces of media.

And I’m sorry, because I know this is already getting long, but suffer with me a while longer, please. This requires so much writing to actually explain what I mean by that.

In Trigun’s case it’s not just Thou Shall Not Kill on the table. There exists this kind of ignorance Black Beauty preaches against. Vash isn’t personally killing people, but their homes and livelihoods are just constantly being destroyed? And some of these towns have like, hundreds of people nursing injuries? So it’s like, okay...you can feel good about not outright killing people with a gun, but...don’t pretend these things won’t also kill people after you’ve left the scene. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not happening! (I’m not even going to touch the whole “leaving mass murderers alive to take more lives later” thing. That’s even worse.)

Don’t get me wrong, nuance is great! And for a character like Vash, it’s also very necessary, but...at a certain point, it just makes him hard to like or sympathize with as a person. (99% of this is because the anime refused to let us know him or feel close to him.) The anime ending was just ridiculous in that original run. Sure okay, leave that asshole brother of yours alive, even though there’s no precedent in the anime of him doing anything after recovering except instantly killing everyone Vash loves just to watch him suffer some more.

I feel like I need to be extremely clear here in saying that again, I understand Vash’s fear of killing, fear of becoming like his brother, of becoming numb to what it feels like to take a life, and so on, but... holy shit dude, you just put that burden on other people! Or worse, risk the lives of people who need you to protect them! I love a good pacifist (or pacifist-adjacent) character, but there are limits. Right? And the worst part about this isn’t that Vash is a pacifist/pacifist-adjacent character, but that the anime never really took the time to get into his head, or give us any real emotional...connection to him, let alone reasoning for the inaction. Like we can speculate, but there was almost a...distance? between the viewer and Vash. We were never allowed to get too close to understanding him. (WHICH IS A CRIME.)

I guess one of the tropes I just really hate seeing in anime, or actually like...media in general, is that “hurt someone until they snap” trope, which is kind of “Rage Breaking Point” to some degree, but in the case of Trigun it’s almost more like...a mental snap? It’s like all the bad guys just try to do things specifically to other people knowing it will hurt Vash, and it’s not just...one little thing once, but over and over and over again. The manga context makes this make WAY MORE SENSE, but I feel like anime runs should be able to stand on their own. Anyway, I’ve seen this in other series’ too, like...if I recall correctly, Rurouni Kenshin had a few “bad guys” who would taunt Kenshin and hope that in getting him to kill again they’d bring out that like, assassin persona he used to have? But in Trigun it always felt just...SO MUCH WORSE. I think it’s because with Kenshin, it was like, they wanted to pull that persona back out longterm for their own benefit, to make use of it, so it made some sense to occasionally put someone he cares about in danger to convince him to kill—and better yet, put him up against opponents where, holding back could cost not only his friend(s) their lives, but also him his own life. But with Vash, it’s outright stated to be more like a slow-burn gratifying revenge they’re aiming for, where the point of it is to just make him feel like complete and utter shit forever, which just...begs the question: why didn’t these guys ever just straight up kill Meryl or Milly? 

And I think that honestly was just my biggest gripe with the original anime run. Milly and Meryl are just...regular people. Like sure, Meryl’s packing heat with all those hidden weapons (and we love that for her, you know?) but she’s not superhuman in any way. Like she’s a great shot and can take care of herself, but it would be so incredibly easy to kill her. Like yeah all the innocent lives being taken hurt Vash deeply and make him feel powerless, but anyone with a brain would know that hurting people he personally cares about and has an attachment/connection to would be just. So much worse for him? 

It’s not that there’s never an attempt to hurt Milly or Meryl, because that did happen...and in fact, this is how Legato dies in the anime, it’s literally a turning point scene for Vash, but there were also never any physical consequences for either woman? Like, Milly and Meryl always came out of it okay. I guess there’s a part of me that kind of likes that they never got hurt badly or anything, because that was SUCH a trope of the times that Trigun didn’t fall into too seriously, but I also just find it hard to believe that nobody ever...I don’t know...just put a bullet through either one of them. Not even a non-lethal shot!

That said, again Vash did kill Legato when the women were threatened in the anime, so it’s not as if it never amounted to anything, but the whole time I was just thinking like, sure sure, but like...how are these women even still alive at all, actually? If the goal is to make Vash suffer eternally, destroying things he genuinely cares about seems like a surefire way to kickstart that. (And threats that aren’t just for show, like actually shooting them in a non-lethal way to start, would have been way more likely to get a response from him.)

Anyway, going back to my hatred of the Rage Breaking Point trope, or...whatever the hell this was in the original anime run... It’s not that I hate the concept as a whole, but when it feels too much like “bad things are happening for the sake of bad things happening” I do find it offputting. In the manga, Legato’s “making Vash suffer eternally” makes plenty of sense, like, he’s an actual character with a backstory and his own reasonings, but in the anime he barely exists and it just comes off so, so weird. I think if you’re going to have that targeted torture aimed at a character, the story kind of has to balance it out with also containing the reasoning behind it, which...okay, so manga!Legato’s storyline is pretty grimdark and...not...something that should have made it to the original anime. But like, them just...putting him in there with no reasoning at all was...worse, actually. And the anime run did other things really badly along this same vein: including parts of the original plot but not the most important pieces of it, so...it felt incomplete and confusing. Like, here’s another example: Knives crashing the ships. In the anime, this just. MADE VERY LITTLE SENSE. Like you can see why he’d be mad at everyone, but not to the degree of like...committing genocide. You know what I mean? In the manga, it’s much, much clearer why Knives did what he did. Hell, it’s almost sympathetic, even. But when they included only PART of that reasoning in the anime, which is far more accessible to people than the manga is (and therefore more viewed/accepted as canon, especially back in the day when manga was harder to get your hands on), it felt like such an extremely bad choice. It mostly just...confused people at the time. I still remember watching the (honestly very boring) infodump backstory episodes with my siblings, and we all felt VERY MUCH like we’d missed an entire episode somehow, even though that was not the case.

Which brings me back to Stampede, or at least, why I think this reboot has the potential to be better than the original anime run. So far, I think the reboot has done a really good job of getting me emotionally invested in the characters. Like, the humor from the original was fine for its time, and also maybe a good introduction to the series (humor made it more accessible, I guess?) but it also had the unfortunate side effect of like, undermining a lot of the themes and character development that was going on. See also: tonal whiplash out the wazoo come the second half of the series. 

Stampede threw 90% of the humor away and in my opinion that was the smartest thing they could have done. There’s still humor in the series, but it’s not over-the-top goofy and feels more realistic considering the context.

They’re also pulling a lot more from the manga, which is is beyond appreciated. Wolfwood’s story, for example, is more or less from the manga.

I know fans are mad about the lack of Milly, and I say this with so much love in my heart, and a cat named after the character, but...Milly did not do much for Trigun like...in general. I still hope she makes a cameo appearance, or eventually takes Roberto’s place (in the event that he does meet a tragic end), but so far I’m honestly not missing her...at all. I feel like the story Stampede is giving us so far just doesn’t have room for, or need of, her character. At least not yet.

They’ve also softened out Vash a lot for this reboot, in basically every conceivable way. He’s just easier to understand and love as a character the way he’s presented in Stampede so far, and it makes it easier to understand why other people like him, are intrigued by him, or even care for him as a person.

Meryl’s career change is also something I’ve seen people getting upset about, and I really don’t understand that criticism at all. Like, journalist/reporter type work just makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE for her as a person. The insurance thing was dumb as hell and always felt like such a weak excuse to me, and it’s hilarious how this one small tiny change makes SUCH a huge difference in making her motivations make sense.

Like, obviously she already cares about Vash as a person, and is intrigued by him, mayyyybe is developing feelings for him (I’m sure It’s Complicated™), definitely wants to get to know him more/understand him better, but these things feel natural in the environment they’re presented in. Like, in the original anime, she kept running into him almost by chance, and while it was funny to see her getting annoyed (and eventually realizing he is, indeed, Vash the Stampede), it didn’t really offer anything but humor. And like I said earlier, the humor getting thrown into the garbage was a great idea for Stampede as a reboot. We don’t need funny ha-ha’s shoved down our throat. We need to care about these characters. We need to understand their motivations. We need to FEEL SOMETHING for them when they are forced to make choices, when they learn something new about one another, when that connection feels solidified between them as teammates and eventually friends.

And in the original run, once Meryl accepts that Vash is, indeed, Vash the Stampede, and not just some dumbass she keeps running into, her sole motivation in following him around becomes just...preventing disasters so that her company doesn’t have to pay out insurance? And it’s like, okay...nobody in insurance loves their job that much. Nobody in insurance getting paid the beans she’s getting paid is going to put their life on the line TO THAT DEGREE to help management make more money lmao. 

I think a romantic could argue that she also follows him because she’s worried about him, especially as she comes to realize how awful people tend to be toward him even though he’s not a bad person or anything, but it still starts with her following him because of insurance reasons. Again, that’s a laughably weak motive.

This career change was probably one of the best things they could have done for Meryl as a character. Unless the reboot completely flops at the end, I think I’ll stand by this.

My only worry regarding Meryl’s career is that the series almost sets things up like there could be one of those dreaded Yucky Miscommunication type situations, where it looks like she’s hanging around him just for a scoop, but it’s juuuust out of reach enough that I don’t really think it’s anything that would actually happen. So far the writing is too solid to make me think that will come up. Thank God.

Another popular gripe against Meryl is that she’s not the senior on the team now that Milly has been replaced by Roberto, but I think this move was to help introduce us to the world and story with Meryl as a fresher-faced, motivated person who wants that big break enough to actually do stupid stuff (like follow Vash against Roberto’s advice). It’s also important to note that even though Meryl isn’t the one technically in charge, she’s still the one moving the plot along regarding herself and Roberto. Like, he discourages her from following Vash, because it’s dangerous and their jobs aren’t worth their lives, but when she makes it clear it’s what she wants to do, anyway, for more than just job reasons, like, he doesn’t abandon her. I think this speaks to his relationship not only to Meryl, but also to Vash that he allows this to happen, because he could have so easily just...left her to her own devices. Or even physically restrained her to prevent her from going against his advice, if he was so inclined. 

I am also very much hoping that Roberto’s place in the plot fills a hole that I think the original anime run had, which was that Vash had so many issues regarding relationships to other people. He ended up filling the void of friendships with several people, but never found anyone to fill that “parental” role after losing Rem. I don’t think Vash has like, “mommy issues” really, but I do think that he would benefit a lot from any kind of parental-esque love and approval, and Roberto so easily could fill those shoes... I want it. Badly. Because I care a lot about this version of Vash and want him to have that.

I don’t really want to comment on Meryl’s perceived helplessness right now (this seems to be another common complaint), because in the anime run, her insane amount of hidden derringers was not revealed too early in the series, but I will say that giving Roberto a derringer has me slightly worried that they might have given him that...part of her character design. I am placing my trust in the writers though. At the very worst I could see her borrowing that gimmick from Roberto should anything happen to him (and like I said several times now, I think something will).

But I also want to think that we’ve come a long way since the late 90s/early 2000s when it comes to female character writing, and Meryl doesn’t necessarily need to be “strong” or “capable” in the same ways as the other (specifically male) characters are to bring something important to the table. Let’s not forget that, at least to our knowledge she’s...just a regular person. 

Worth considering, by the way: in the original anime run she more or less agreed with Vash’s pacifism so there might be something alluding to that eventually in the reboot. I think especially in Stampede, this is something they can use to connect; not many people understand or agree with that aspect of Vash’s character no matter how much they otherwise like and respect him, so her being able to do that could be really good juicy character stuff down the line.

I’m sure there are other criticisms out there but I can’t recall them offhand and I’ve toyed with this stupid post for like, hours by this point, soo...I’ll end it here.

Again, the reboot is promising to be better than the original anime run. And so far I already feel it is. I feel a connection to the characters that I never felt so strongly for the original series. Today’s flashback episode was not boring for me at all, and I even cried a little at one point, which is something the original series never managed to get out of me. Imagine that.

If you want my opinion on anything in particular, feel free to send an ask. Sorry this got disgustingly long but you know how I am.

[thornybubbles]

Making Changes: Turning this into a JJBA Writing Blog

I have finally decided to do something with this blog. I haven’t really been active on Tumblr at all, mostly because I don’t like Tumblr and it’s culture very much (though I have to admit that it’s not as bad as it used to be). I’ve only remained here for so long because I wanted to read fan fiction and keep up with the very few people I follow here. 

Today, I have decided to actually start using my blog for something other than following other people. I have started writing fan fiction again recently and I want to stay in a writing mood. I won’t be storing full stories here, though. This blog will be where I share things like headcanons, one shots, short scenarios, and other stuff like that. 

This will NOT be an interactive blog, however, meaning that I will NOT be taking requests from readers. I tried writing other people’s requests before and really didn’t like it. I prefer to write what I want to write. It’s more fun for me and keeps me interested in writing. Taking requests just makes writing feel like a chore. Not only that, but by not taking requests, I can avoid dealing with people who ask for stuff I really DON’T want to write. I don’t like being put in a position where I have to refuse someone’s request. I know I have the right to say “no” (and I don’t have a problem doing so) but I don’t like disappointing people who had their hopes on getting a request fulfilled. Not taking requests also prevents me from having to deal with the inevitable people who don’t read or refuse to follow the rules. 

Another thing I won’t have to deal with is people constantly badgering me for updates. I’ll update when I’m good and ready. Stop asking. Yeah, I get it. I should be grateful that people like my stuff enough that they ask for more (and I am grateful) but even if each person only begs for an update once, that’s still a lot of people bombarding me with the same damn comment over and over again: 

“Please update!” “When is this going to be updated?” “OMG! I love this! Please write more soon!” “Update?” “UPdaTE?” “UPDATE??!!” 

It gets really old and really annoying really fast. And I can only be so patient. 

This blog will be dedicated to my “JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure” fan writings. If I decide to write something for any other fandom, then I plan to keep it separate from this blog. There will only be JoJo stuff here. 

[wetwasteofagirl]

emdr for heff! part 1

By the way! I’m sorry that it took so long for me to get to this. I actually had it in my reminders app in my phone (I can’t live without the reminders app) so whenever I opened it I was like oh yeah ! I need to get in touch with you about EMDR!  As I’ve said, there’s a lot going on for me this summer in general plus the Lampard holes in the brain, but I always remember eventually!  So I figured I would slide into your DMs.  And…here we go!  Warning: long

I’m really happy to always share stuff about mental health, mental illness journey, etc. I’ve been through a lot and some of the problems I’ve had don’t ever get talked about on this website, even though Tumblr’s very pro…mental health and healing.  In my situations, I’m often, and by often I mean always, completely alone.  So, I don’t really believe in TMI, very little about my situation is TMI, and I have no problem just not sharing what I’m not comfortable with, so that’s fine. 

So EMDR…I started it in April and the first few sessions you don’t really do the actual procedure.  The first session was just a quick visit to see if we’d be a good fit.  I do it virtually, which is great for my schedule.  Then next session you do the “intake” and you go over your concerns, your family history, etc.  For me, because I’m 1014194 years old and have had this problem basically my entire life, and I’ve been in therapy for so long that I’m very aware of all of the things, the intake took I believe 2 or 3 50-minute sessions. I also have bipolar disorder! (this is why I talk so much!  It’s one of the most common and annoying symptoms lol), so I’ve had a crazy adult life full of crazy shit especially before I took medication, so there was a LOT to say.  But it was good, because I actually felt comfortable telling her stuff I’ve never told anyone else other than my best friend maybe—not even comfortable enough to tell other therapists.  So I guess it took over a month to really start going through the memories of my trauma.

I have childhood trauma—it’s complex trauma (CPTSD).  Idk how much you know about this stuff, but with CPTSD you basically got retraumatized over and over.  It’s usually just easier to say PTSD when you’re talking about it offline, but complex trauma is often even harder to deal with and has a very big impact on your life, especially with how you interact with the world socially.  I genuinely have no idea who I am without it, which is trippy and a half. I got this diagnosis 12 years ago, and the doctor I work with on that is really amazing (GENERALLY—he’s also the fucker who’s told me I talk too much, AND I have to see him later today and I’ve got beef with him from him telling me I talk too much two weeks ago so…*cracks knuckles*).  However, bipolar and CPTSD are a very difficult duo to manage. 

(Bipolar is what I mean when I say that tumblr doesn’t talk about it…I don’t think I’ve ever known more than one other Internet Person who’s had it like…in all my years of being on the internet.  It is known to be hard to diagnose, because people don’t go to therapy when they feel “good” (even though if the “good” is mania you often feel fucking awful in a unique way that I would definifely wish on my worst enemy), and if they tell a therapist they feel depressed, it’s easy for a therapist to just prescribe antidepressants and be done with it.  The number of therapists and even psychiatrists who are clueless about bipolar disorder is higher than the number of men Franky’s fantasized about sleeping with! But uh, anyway.) I’m not truly alone because SO many people in my extended family have it (it’s CONTAGIOUS!) and we all take the same medication lol, but still, it’s like the hidden disorder that no one on tumblr ever talks about.  So, I’m down to talk about anything, because these things have an extreme impact on how I behave and the energy I have to spend on myself, if that makes sense. 

But yeah, it’s a very difficult combination because you’re very reactive.  With bipolar, your brain reacts very inappropriately and dramatically to any kind of stimuli. That’s sort of the fundamental of it.  So, something could set me off, and it can trigger the fight or flight of the trauma to kick in, and once the trauma kicks in it’s very hard to tone that down, even if you’re knowledgeable and aware, you take your medications, you’re much more stable, etc.  It’s a physical reaction and it’s based on the kind of reaction you’re supposed to have to danger!  My psychiatrist is always like, “if you were a caveman you’d be number 1 caveman, you’re hypervigilant, you always have 20 backup plans in your mind, you’d survive very well.”  But of course we don’t live in that kind of world.  It’s very difficult, very paralyzing, and has created a lot of trouble for me and I spend a lot of time dissociating.  Which I enjoy.  It’s kind of like an addiction to be honest.  A lot of the time, I prefer to be in my own head than interact socially, which sigh. In offline life I pass for “normie” very well if I need to, but I just don’t have a lot of friends in person.  I could, that’s the thing, I could, but I prefer to be in my own head, and I don’t always like that.  Sometimes that gets me feeling lonely, frustrated, etc.  but yeah…That’s kind of the introduction.  Yikes.

My trauma is also very strange—and this is where I don’t totally want to share the details—because it’s just weird, it’s different than a lot of other people I know’s trauma, and what me and my mom think is that it’s something that started pre-memory, so the stuff that traumatized me is likely to have started happening when I was an actual baby. That’s harder to access of course, since…you can’t remember it!  I had to check with my EMDR therapist to make sure she can work with pre-memory and early trauma.  (By the time I was in school, so like four years old, I was pretty noticeably fucked up.)

Obviously, I’m not saying it’s “better” to have trauma from later on in life, but it’s easier to work with in that for the most part those memories are more accessible, or can become more accessible.

I don’t think EMDR changes things very quickly, but about a month ago I started feeling like I was able to make sense of some important things in my head—mostly, stuff about the very nonexistent or abusive (depending on the day) relationship between my mind and body.  My mind hates and disrespects my body, which I feel makes a lot of sense for a trauma victim, and all of a sudden I’m making some positive changes to unite the two that have NEVER been possible in over 3 decades.  I have serious issues that need help beyond that but this is giving me some hope.  It’s definitely not a quick fix but I think even the process of doing EMDR gives you some of that hope.

I’m always telling my EMDR therapist, “This seems fake!” or that it seems like a really bad movie written about a crazy person by someone who’s never had mental health issues.  Because the stuff that my head is just coming up with, and how correct/unsurprising it feels, is really remarkable.  It truly is crazy, and I don’t know how this works.  My mom is a therapist herself and she’s explained it to me but anything remotely sciencey is Not my thing so I can’t remember.  It’s just sort of shaken up so much in my brain.  My younger self has spoken to me, I’ve argued with myself, my younger self has made me cry and hurt my feelings because of how angry she is at me for not being able to “get her help”…it’s wild.  I find it really incredible, but it’s not always easy.  OKAY I’m going to get to your questions.

[sunnisurrealism]

Hi Timmy. Okay I’m realizing how ridiculous it’s getting that I still make endless posts on this account everyday and it’s not that much different than messaging the finsta but at least I can’t send voice notes! That shit is so exhausting af.

Our Secret Garden party is starting in about an hour! I still need to clean my room (too many clothes fml 😔 how many tennis skirts can a gal have? I have like 15 literally) and do my makeup and then… wear my magic Disney dress for Sunnï! I just wanted to let you know that Jacob is coming to the party but I have absolutely no interest in the slightest hooking up with him. You might see pictures of him on the grams. I know you might be in Europe and that by the time you read this it may have happened. Your emotional well being is my priority in life and I don’t want you to have anxiety EVER. Idk if he permanently moved back or if he’s traveling again, but I just feel the utmost importance to let you know that I am fully one hundred billion % committed to you and he annoys me anyways 😅 he didn’t even listen when I read him the TFBOD! trust me my king, you do not need to worry. One day I might feel comfortable kissing someone, but if I do it’ll probably be a girl just for fun, and when I’d close my eyes I’d pretend it’s you 😅 my heart is still aching hella from the past few months tbh, like recovering from water of life equivalent shit, and it feels very very closed apart from imaging us hooking up when I listen to the lucid podcast. Depending on my mood sometimes I still have a hard time even there, but again please understand it’s not personal. Again it’s like Nic at rock bottom he wouldnt want to make out. Sometimes I’m sad and just need cuddles. And I will tell you tho I will always in any mood appreciate forehead kisses because they make me feel healed and protected. Other times when I lose myself imagining us kissing I’ve found my body is… nvm. Hehe. You are always so kind and gentle and talk to me with Willy’s demeanor 😍 imagine if Willy as a man was on his boat with his mom and saw on the River bank Sunnï. I feel like he would approach her with immense kindness and curiosity. And she would instantly be hella friendly and keen back, for obvious reasons 😍 anyways those are the vibes I feel. I’m gunna delete all of this one day don’t worry and for other people reading this like MB or Grimes maybe Elon I’m sorry for the tmi. Idk what I’m doing!

This is so how I imagine you listening to me rant all about all the shit 😅 I LAV LAV LAV u MY TIMMY😍😍😍

(Ps. I really wish you could give me a deep butt massage rn cuz I think I pushed myself a lil too hard in my workout yesterday and my glutes fucking hurt. I can’t find my roller! It’s going to be just my dad and I for like 5 nights at Assinaboine before our family and friends come up, I think it’ll be some good healing time low key, not that anything is that bad. Glad we are helicoptering and not hiking, I don’t think my body is ready considering how sore I am today. Going to be away July 28th to August 5th, I hope you look forward to your break from me! Still figuring out how and if I’ll retire this tumblr. Idk what I’m doing!)

[genderqueer-karma]

hello. right now as i write this, it is june 23, ten days before my 19th birthday.

that’s right. 19th birthday. i’m 19 years old on july 3, which’ll be “today” for you, but the future for me. i don’t know why, but that feels more of a scary age to be than 18. last year i became an “adult”, but this year, i’ve been one the whole time. scary.

i can legally vote. i’ve voted. i’ve actually contributed to society politically outside of smaller organizing. that’s not something i could say today (june 23) last year. and next year? i’ll be able to say the same. next year, when i turn 20.

i’m currently in university; a sophomore who’s very close to being a junior. i’ll be going to law school in two years or less. terrifying. (yes, the annoying mana/ace attorney/cat/whatever-obsessed dio from your phone is going to Big Professional Law School.)

life is coming at me fast. i’d be a liar to say i’m not scared of the future. in fact, at the moment, i’m dreading the next few days, because the future was never something i thought of more seriously than a passing glance at what could be. however, it’s staring me in the face now.

in my head, i’ve planned my life tenfold, but it’s always been silly conjecture with no actual bearing on what was going to happen. a fantasy, basically.

i had a similar moment when i graduated high school last year, and the feeling comes from the same place: the part of me that knows i didn’t think i would’ve made it here.

when you have a mindset of “this’ll all come crashing down in a moment”, you’d think it make you uninhibited and free to live in nihilistic bliss, but the opposite is true. you get obsessive and scared. i’m obsessive and scared. i have dreams of what my future looks like, but when confronted with certain aspects of making to happen, i tense up and throw away those hopes. it doesn’t feel very good.

fear grips me. both about july 3, which will come and go then come again, and about july 4. and july 5. and every day until i finally am claimed by the earth again.

tumblr isn’t my personal diary, but it feels nice to get things out in this way.

i went to church with my mother today, and surprisingly, that isn’t what was the catalyst for this existentialism. i’ve been dreading my birthday for at least a week and half prior to june 23. the reason i bring up church though, is because i saw a path into my future. (no i’m not going to evangelize.)

i saw a version of myself who was in the church that i’ve been in since i was 10, married to a boy who my family has been teasing me about for years now, leading a good, pure life that everyone there approved of, surrounded by people who loved me. people who i know love me.

and in my imagining of that life, there were parts of it i wanted so desperately. if i wasn’t frozen in my seat, i might’ve actually reached out to touch the frame of the front door of my nonexistent house. i would’ve wanted to give a hug and kiss to the children that are not there.

but i couldn’t shake the underlying misery of it. keeping up a lie as a “wife” and “mother”, when that wasn’t the half of it. being unsure of the faith i would’ve tried so hard to claim. i was living the life that was expected of me. and i couldn’t do it.

still; parts of me want it, if only for the ease of it. i can have that life and be set for the rest of my days. every power on, above, below, and inside this earth knows i’m much too awkward and frankly socially inept to even begin trying to claim it for myself, so maybe that sort of assistance wouldn’t be so bad.

maybe i’ll find my way back there and learn to accept a fragmented version of myself. who knows? i definitely don’t. in fact, i’m not sure if i want to find out.

so. 19. i’m afraid of you. not necessarily because of you. but what you represent. i’m not a child anymore. not by any stretch of the imagination. but i’m not ready for “adulthood”; regardless of how ready for me it is.

and to me, to dio: happy birthday. we did it. and we’ll keep doing it.

if you read this far: do you still think i’m funny and cool after i’ve revealed all my neuroses to you :(?

[alwaysalir]

Hi. I was looking through your search function, I looked up Colin bridgerton and polin but I couldn't find what I was looking for. Unsure if you deleted it or if Tumblr is just being Tumblr. But I've seen you talk various times about how hating on Colin is not a good thing etc etc. and I was talking to a close friend about this. Bc we have another friend that hates him. And I'm beginning to dislike talking to her about the series bc I love Colin.

The funny thing is I didn't used to feel this way. I hadn't done a rewatch since the season 2 and I used to dislike Colin too. Up until my rewatch last year and then I saw ✨the light✨. Basically without seeing any posts about it, bc back then I was not in the bridgerton Tumblr world, I came to my own sense and was like guess what anon (me) you have been projecting your unrequited love feelings unto this series. Unto this particular set of characters. And I absolutely love Colin now and have 0 beef with him.

Me and my close friend also think this other friend is just projecting. For various reasons I'm not gonna say in this ask. And I wanted to send my close friend the various posts you have made regarding this topic. But I couldn't find either. I hope this isn't annoying.

Happy polin week! 🪞🪞🪞

Hi Anon.

Happy Polin Week to you!!

I will admit I did delete a few post because there was a couple weeks there I was in my feelings, but I don’t think I’ve posted a rant about Colin in a while so you may have to scroll a while to get to those posts. But yea I don’t think a lot of the hate Colin gets is projecting or simply Pen Stans who just want his entire personality to be about her. Today there was a bunch stuff on x of people crying over Colin ignoring her in that 5 minute clip we he very obviously didn’t see her. So sometimes it just feels like they are judging every breathe he takes

[hismercytomyjustice]

Alack, I finished work too late to nap. 😭

Now I play the dangerous game of trying to stay awake while also hoping and praying I don’t get a second wind…

Also my therapist murdered me today. T_T It was a very good session, but DAMN she laid out some truth bombs.

We’re working on some light exposure therapy now on a potential obsession/compulsion we’re trying to verify. Nothing too intense, but it’s my first real time doing it so we’ll see how it goes.

Apparently there’s also ICBT that’s tailored specifically toward folks with autism and OCD, so that’s pretty cool.

I had a formal Autism assessment a few months ago that kind of came back inconclusive. The administrator had been considering the diagnosis but her supervisor said I wasn’t showing Autism signs in enough areas in my life.

The assessor and my therapist both feel there’s a chance that I do have it though. My therapist told me today she felt I checked enough boxes, but she’s not a specialist in Autism.

Part of the difficulty is that ADHD, OCD, and Autism all massively overlap. ESPECIALLY OCD and Autism (see pic below).

So I’ve kind of been in limbo. I have two professionals saying it’s a maybe, but nothing definitive. If I don’t have it, my ADHD and OCD align in such a way that it mimics it pretty well.

The thing is, I’ve been told I’m REALLY good at masking by my therapist. I also score really high for masking on assessments. I think if I’d done this assessment in high school, there’s a chance I would’ve gotten the diagnosis without any doubts involved. But am I ADHD masking, Autism masking, or both?

Was I just an anxious, socially awkward kid who only needed practice interacting with people? Or did I just learn to mask/camouflage?

My therapist said she’s going to look more into what indicates autism vs OCD, but it’s not an easy thing to do. Folks are often misdiagnosed because of how similar they can be.

She also suggested we create my own venn diagram like the above with my personal experiences/traits to see if we can tease more of it all out into the open.

I’m kind of a late diagnosed OCD and ADHD person. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months trying to better understand what I can attribute to ADHD, OCD, both, or neither so I can be mentally healthier and develop strategies accordingly.

I am really excited about the therapy homework she’s given me on this front because there’s a chance my need to verify whether or not I have Autism is being caused by my OCD. It’s a vicious cycle of “I’m pretty confident I have it and I have multiple professionals telling me it’s a possibility” to “I don’t want to accidentally co-opt something that isn’t true and be one of those mental illness/disorder/etc fakers” and around and around we go!

Thankfully it’s not leading to full blown distressing thoughts or anything. It’s more just frustrating/annoying not knowing for sure.

And the thing is, there’s a lot of healthy coping techniques that can suddenly become unhealthy if the OCD gets ahold of them. It’s normal to look for reassurance or to want answers for something like this. It can just be a fine line to walk.

My therapist told me today that one of the difficult things about OCD is that the obsessions have a hint of truth to them. Like, it’s very important to me not to claim something I don’t have because I know how fucked up that can be and how it makes it harder for people who actually do have it to get the help they need. That is a true statement. But am I just trying to be aware of that and to respect the community? Or am I working myself into an OCD loop over whether or not I’m a bad person if I could be mistaken that I have Autism?

I was talking to her too about how helpful it’s been to work through this stuff via journaling. I journal off and on, but doing it on tumblr makes it easier to not overthink it or expect too much of myself.

I feel like I’ve been learning a lot about myself though, so I’m glad for that.

Now back to trying to stay awake…

[ifyoucantflythenrun]

rant about some teacher aide at my school today

some teacher aide wrote me up with a warning today coz i took my phone out to check my card balance before lining up at the cafeteria to buy food. i’m sorry i didn’t want to waste other people’s time?

for context, this year the Australian government announced a policy named ‘Away for the day’ where students are not permitted to have phones out during school at all unless under explicit teacher instruction. the exception being to pay for food through a card connected to your phone. it was put into action as an attempt to get students to interact with each other more irl than online during break times and all public schools need to adhere to this.

seeing as i was in the cafeteria during a break time, i (apparently wrongfully) assumed i could check my card balance. i checked with a teacher and she tells me i need to be in the sectioned off area where you go to actually line up to buy stuff, just be in the general area of the line. you apparently have to be actually in the line to check a card balance and it has to take less than 15 secs to open and login to ur banking app according to a different teacher. and then after i was written up (where the teacher practically yelled at me and then took down my first name before forcefully turning me around to get my surname off of my senior jersey) i went to tell my friends because i hadn’t heard of such a rule in the 7 weeks that school had been in for this year and wanted to make sure they didn’t get in trouble like i did. as soon as i start recounting what happened, she comes up to me and my friends and says “i have ears you know, i can hear you.” to which i reply that i’m just letting them know so that she won’t have to write up more people. she then says “you don’t need to make such a big deal out of it,” and some other things along those lines, acting as if i was a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. mind you, until this point, i figured she was just doing her job as required by the government, and did not even think of smack-talking her to my friends. but the fact that she barged into a separate conversation i was having with my friends, assumed i was talking shit about her, and continued to passive aggressively point out she has ears and can hear was the straw that broke the camel’s back. like, did she want me to congratulate her for being able to hear the same way 80% of the world’s population does? i feel like that provides reason enough for me to share my experience with tumblr. also the warning scared me because i’ve had a clean record since primary school and getting a proper detention for the first time/having this be reported on with less than 9 months til i graduate would be so annoying it would be like losing a 4020+ day streak. i have an issue with perfectionism, i know, i’m working on it but it hasn’t fully gotten “there” yet, yk?

in my opinion, one of a few things happened here. she wrote me up for a stupid, made-up reason because she’s bitter and is abusing every ounce of power she holds against me as an anonymous authority figure (i’ve literally never talked to this woman in my entire 5 years at this school, 6th this year). and she knows she made it up so is censoring me in order to keep abusing her power against other students by stopping me from alerting others lest she has her little bit of power taken away once this eventually reaches the higher-ups. or. the school forgot to tell students that you can only take out your phone to check ur balance while actively taking up space in an already small cafeteria order area while not knowing if u can/will buy something or not. keep in mind this was during a 20 minute break in between periods during which we have to both get the food and eat it before class starts which would be okay if there weren’t at least 10 people not buying anything in a closed off area that holds about 30 people comfortably on a good day. the only other thing i can think of is that she was having a bad day and took it out on the first person she saw that she had power over. once she heard me telling my friends, she realised what an incredibly stupid idea that rule was and didn’t want it to be reported by me or my friends. this lady is maybe 50+ years of age and definitely knew what she was doing and it all happened too fast for me to even begin to question her until after the whole situation had already taken place. i’m friends with the school captain and our cohort is currently the longest running cohort at this school so the higher-ups sometimes look to us for help with improving the school, and i like to believe they actually take our opinions into consideration, considering how worried she got that i was telling my fellow students.

idk who’s in the wrong here so if this is just me being an entitled toddler and throwing a temper tantrum, so be it, i will fix my behaviour in the future but this is my way of moving past it coz no one sees this anyway. i can understand doing her job but no one told her to follow up a minute later by telling me off for speaking to my friends during a break time. i had respect for her as my elder and authoritative figure but that has since flown out the window once she decided to fling it through the glass. sorry if none of this made sense or had bad grammar, etc., i kinda just typed whatever entered my head.

[youareinlovetv]

when i posted this on halloween, i was mostly just joking. i just thought it would be funny to make a post based on that 600k notes post.

but i honestly didnt expect this post to blow up like it did. and it’s crazy. tons of blogs came together to get notes for me. fandoms were united. my phone almost blew up from the crazy amount of notifications i was getting.

which was all fine and well. i treated this like a joke still. until i started getting asks. a lot of asks. from people making sure i was taking care of myself. and as the days went by, they were getting increasingly desperate. and it made me realize that people genuinely care about me. the fact that all of these people sent me asks because THEY CARED about me made me sit back and realize a lot of things.

i thought about it and yeah. a lot of people care. everyone that put notes on this post. my discord friends. my parents. my siblings. my family.

but today, something happened that almost made me tear up.

i’ve been out of school for about a week because i’ve had really bad mental health problems (long story). i’ve gotten no assignments done and i’ve just. really been struggling. school makes me feel awful every day because i never feel included. but i got a text today.

it was from my friend. she asked if i was okay. she texted two more times later today saying she was worried and just wanted to make sure i was okay. and i almost teared up.

for months i’ve felt like i didn’t belong in that school. people kept excluding me or treating me differently. it seemed like i was being treated like everyone else but in reality i was being manipulated and used as a joke. that i was just some autistic fat gay little 9th grader. won’t get too much into it but the whole school tested me badly.

but that one text made me realize that. at least ONE person cared for me. ONE. one person from school who likes me for who i am. who resided that there’s a person behind the joke. so she reached out.

i will 100% start to take care of myself, one day at a time. you all wanted me to do this, so, i am. because now i feel way less alone than i have.

and to anyone out there battling depression, anxiety, PTSD, or any other mental illness, or even just struggling right now; it may sound cliche but you are not alone. reach out to someone. i promise that they’ll try to help. if you have no one to reach out to, ask someone on tumblr. or me. (maybe not me though because i’m like 14)

point is, there are people that care for you. don’t push yourself away. it’ll make things worse. i love you. <3

i’ll be posting about my progress and my journey with the tag #tom tries, so be on the lookout for that! i’ll be turning off reblogs in a few days just because it’ll get annoying if people keep reblogging this lol. i’ve already seen people complain about this post taking over their dashboard.

so yeah, that’s it! again, thank you all so so much. i love you all, and i PROMISE that i’ll try to get better and overcome my depression. thank you. <3

i’ve been inspired by the person who said if they got 666k notes they would practice self care. so ya know what? i’ve been in a spiral of depression for months so if this post gets 1 MILLION notes by the end of 2023, i will start taking care of myself and actually try to battle my depression and live my life. (this is never going to get 1m notes yall HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA)