#i feel i should clarify the correct position but this is all just online bullshit and it's bothering me because it influences the way

[razistoricharka]

Basically every time anything happens now a lot of people project their political sentiments on ukraine somehow like I've seen people complain about "ukraine flag usernames not supporting armenia" and it's all online bullshit, a political kaleidoscope (conveniently devoid of real concerns that run contrary to the sentiment like russia extensively arming azerbaijans military) for people deluded that the war is ideologically motivated in some way and wanting to score wins over hypocritical libs it's really asinine

[realllllfangirllllll]

Beyond Lovers || Chp. 31

{More Than Friends Sequel}

Chairman!Jaehyun AU x CEO!Reader AU

Summary: You find yourself falling deeper and deeper in love with the former CEO after overcoming your fear of love. Although there were rough patches, both of you are now stronger than ever. However, you realize that maintaining a relationship and a company at the same time can be very difficult, especially if someone is out to destroy the both of you.

(Context: This scene takes place in the time frame of the last three chapters of MTF)

Masterlist

{Previous / Next }

4 months ago...

“Come meet me in Paris. I’ll send you the address.”

Jaehyun’s mind spun like lab rats on a hamster wheel as he contemplated the idea of meeting face to face with Xiaojun. He had set his mind on getting y/n back and he couldn’t act scared now. He needed her in his life and this was his only chance.

~~~

The bright sun was hanging low in the clear sky as Jaehyun let out a yawn. Although jet-lagged and stressed, the thought of being on the same grounds as y/n made him feel a bit better. After all, it seemed like he hasn’t seen her for years. He chuckled to himself upon the realization of how much y/n’s presence affected him.

He stepped into the luxurious hotel lobby and made his way to the glass elevators before he quickly pressed the button to floor six. When the room door opened, he found himself sitting on the lonely chair placed across from the lush couch with his heart beating nervously. Never had he been more nervous for a meeting, in fact, he usually wasn’t the type of person to get nervous at all. He guessed that y/n and Xiaojun were definitely of blood relation as they were the only two people to ever make him feel even slightly nervous.

His hands were clasped politely in front of his lap as he tried his best to sit as straight as possible. On the other hand, Xiaojun sat comfortably yet arrogantly on the couch with his legs crossed. His stern, sharp gaze examined Jaehyun from his neatly gelled hair, his casual yet sleek navy dress shirt, to his expensive leather shoes. Jaehyun didn’t move an inch and allowed Xiaojun to take in whatever he wanted to see. He dressed casually but neat with the intent of giving off a good, first in-person impression. He didn’t want Xiaojun to think of him as an egotistic rich boy but a hardworking and polite man that is sincere to y/n.

Xiaojun suddenly let out a chilling laugh that did nothing to clear the tension in the room. “You don’t have to act so stiff, treat me comfortably.” 

Jaehyun nervously chuckled as Xiaojun broke out an eerie smile and offered, “You must be exhausted from that flight. Want something to drink?”

Jaehyun looked at him and saw that his eyes held a stonecold stare that shouted ‘refuse if you dare.’ He quickly responded with a yes and Xiaojun’s eerie smile returned. As if he prepared for this scenario, his hands grabbed the bottle of liquor on the marble coffee table and filled the two empty glasses by its side. He set the bottle aside and asked as he quirked his eyebrow, “You do drink whiskey, do you?”

Jaehyun responded with a quick, “yes sir,” and Xiaojun chuckled, “No need to be so formal with me. You are about the same age as me after all.”

Jaehyun almost choked on his drink at his words and stuttered, “Y-yes if that’s what you want.” Hesitantly, he continued, “By the way...How do you know my age?”

Xiaojun chugged his drink and rather loudly before he bluntly told him that he had searched him up online, read articles about him, and even had some intel from someone on the inside. Jaehyun’s eyes widened at his last statement. He wasn’t new to this sort of investigation as he had done so himself around people he found suspicious, especially with Jaemin. But he was surprised, yet amused, that Xiaojun was that kind of person as well. 

He cleared his glass of whiskey and set it down on the table. “You seem to be a very reliable person.”

Xiaojun gave him a questioning stare as he waited for him to elaborate on his words. Jaehyun chuckled, suddenly feeling more comfortable around the man in front of him and slightly loosened his stiff body. “It’s only right to keep an eye out on suspicious people. I would.”

At his elaboration, Xiaojun’s expression seemed to change into one with slightly more approval. His cold stare shifted to a warmer gaze as he uncrossed his legs and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. His eyes first looked down at his interlocked fingers and then seriously up at Jaehyun. “What is your endgame with my baby sister?”

Jaehyun sat up straighter again and responded with slight confusion in his tone, “Endgame? I don’t have one. My love for your sister isn’t a game.”

Xiaojun smirked and asked, “Then what is it?”

Jaehyun never broke eye contact with the man in front of him and said sincerely, “To me, loving y/n is like living in a warm home. I only want to make her feel happy and comfortable like how she makes me feel. I want her to feel what being loved means.”

He hoped that wasn’t too blunt and stopped himself before he could say anything more, but Xiaojun chuckled. This time, he didn’t have an eerie smile but a genuine one. He poured the both of them more whiskey and said in a gentler yet firm tone, “You’re the first, you know.”

“The first what?” Jaehyun said a little softer, scared that that statement might hold a negative connotation.

Xiaojun peered down at his glass of whiskey, slightly moving the cup in a circular motion before setting it down without taking a sip. “Guess I don’t need this whiskey anymore.”

He looked up and saw Jaehyun’s puzzled look. “You are much more innocent than I thought,” he laughed. He sat straighter, breaking from his previous position and told Jaehyun nonchalantly, “You are actually the first to tell me something worth my time. You see...most guys that previously held y/n’s interest will walk into my door and say some bullshit. I’ve heard countless fuckers say they date my sister because she will make a great couple with them, she will light up their day, or some equivalent shit.” His eyes hardened and stared straight into Jaehyun’s. “I don’t want to hear that. Ever.” Jaehyun unconsciously gulped and Xiaojun chuckled, “But you on the other hand. You are different. While others think about themselves, you think about y/n.”

Jaehyun felt relieved but not a second later, Xiaojun gave him the same cold stare again. “But y/n means the world to me. She’s my only family and the only person I will sell my soul to protect. You got that?” Jaehyun quickly nodded in response and Xiaojun’s tone softened again. “I don’t know how far you are in this relationship, but you must know that y/n didn’t have parents growing up as they abandoned us quite harshly.” He glanced at Jaehyun’s expression and figured he knew what he was referring to. “So you do know. Well then your relationship must have been going on for quite a while…”

“Not really,” Jaehyun replied a bit hesitant. 

Xiaojun quirked his eyebrow, “How long then?”

“Technically...only a few months,” Jaehyun rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of whether he should give him all the details of their complicated relationship, “But we’ve kind of been circling around the first month…”

“Circling around?” Jaehyun gulped, afraid this would give him some negative points on his approval but Xiaojun stared intently at him and suddenly burst out laughing. He knew that his younger sister was never the one to wait for initiation. She wasn’t careful with things she didn’t care for. All her previous relationships started fairly quickly. But when y/n really liked something, she would wait, go through a ton of inner debation, and finally come up with a decision. Xiaojun knew that because she does the same with photography. She never rushes the process and would take her time finding the right angle, the right natural lighting, and the right model. She would often tell Xiaojun, “Precious moments are to be dealt with carefully because they are especially fragile.” 

Now that Jaehyun confessed the upbringing of their relationship, albeit vague, he realized just how much y/n valued this man that sat nervously in front of him. He muttered to himself both out of amusement and astonishment, “Wow y/n...So he’s the one huh?”

He stopped laughing and stared seriously at Jaehyun again, “Listen up lover boy. The reason I told you to come here was to either show you that you are not worthy of my precious sister or to beat you to a pulp if you didn’t listen like some arrogant douches I’ve encountered in her past relationships.” Unknowingly, Jaehyun chuckled at his last statement and Xiaojun’s ears perked, “Did you just laugh?”

Jaehyun’s eyes widened upon the realization of what he just did and immediately corrected himself, “No no, I didn’t mean it in that way.” He scratched the back of his neck again and continued, “I actually just,” he paused and let out a light chuckle, “I just relate to that as well.”

Xiaojun was caught off guard as he blinked in disbelief at the man’s reaction, “You what?”

A sense of respect coated Jaehyun’s tone as he clarified, “Some people call it reckless, some people call it crazy. But in the line of business I work in, those hypocritical people only fear those with the power of the fist and intimidation.” He let out a bitter chuckle and told Xiaojun, “With y/n around, especially, I just feel the need to make sure she doesn’t get hurt by ignorant people.”

Xiaojun smirked, “You’re not half as bad as I thought Jaehyun.” He smiled and continued, “Anyways, y/n may be my baby sister but ever since we were little all she has done was make sure I was happy. She took care of me more than I did with her. She supported and helped me with my Youtube career and tagged along without any complaints. And because of that, she never really had a stable place to call her home. I’m glad she was able to open up to you. She usually never tells someone about her parents until at least a year into the relationship. It shows she really is comfortable around you. And judging from the way you react to my words and actions, it seems I don’t need to play the role of a protector for her anymore. You seem to suit the role.”

Before Jaehyun could respond Xiaojun immediately cut him off, “But one more thing. As a Youtuber, I know the public forum can be harsh and the spotlight will never be easy. For that, I know the situation at the Starship Charity Ball was not entirely your fault,” His cold stare came back as he stared seriously at Jaehyun, “But don’t you ever dare forget this. When you walk out this door and go to y/n, you will do everything in your power to help and protect her. It might not be entirely your fault, but it was because of you that y/n is now in the spotlight.”

Jaehyun replied in agreement almost immediately and Xiaojun continued, “Take the consequences and make the best of it.” He narrowed his eyes and made sure Jaehyun understood his commands. “But don’t you ever let y/n get hurt by it.” He continued and emphasized his last point in a much deeper and darker tone, “You hurt my only family and I will show you no mercy. However hurt y/n becomes, I will give that back to you threefold, understood?”

“Of course! I will always be by her to protect her. No matter who or what gets in the way,” Jaehyun replied quickly and genuinely. 

Xiaojun shut his eyes for a moment and nodded, content with his response and overall behavior. 

“Effiel Tower,” he opened his eyes again and looked at Jaehyun with a soft and somewhat hopeful gaze, “She should be somewhere around the Effiel Tower right now.”

Jaehyun immediately popped up from his seat, ready to meet his love again. Before he twisted the doorknob of the hotel room, he turned around and told Xiaojun with the utmost respect, “I will treat her like my own family, I promise.”

Xiaojun chuckled and leaned against the soft pillows on the couch, “You better lover boy, my fists are ready to fight any time of the day.”

———

• Dropping a post early since I’ll be off to celebrate my bday!! •

[mc-slowwalker]

I have a prime sub but it’s to karl… who never streams :’((( I miss karl he should stream more. I have literally never been gifted a sub and a friend of mine has been gifted so many like, george, ranboo you name it. 3 hours after I started typing this I got gifted a punz sub lets gooo. gonna be watching his mcc ad and we’ll see about the ads

so true I 100% agree. cheating is always morally correct. “academic integrity” like okay uni whatever you say it’s literally has no weight if you’re studying to pass an exam instead of actually learning. we should be studying to learn not pass an exam. yeah exactly!! knowledge shouldn’t cost this much.

lmaooo trueee and also moood. (about the antisocial/awkward stuff I feel like to didnt make sense just like that what I was referring to with the next sentence starting with “like”) like I feel bad about feeling toxic about the twitter updates account thing because like I’ve been a person from the twitter updates account but like I’m not toxic for no reason afterwards. yeah it’s 100% so frustrating!! like a while ago I remember seeing “oh I’m not sending dts on dream’s behalf I’m sending them on mine” like huh???? do you not see the problem with that??? ughhh I get you tho I was annoyed with the kaceytron stream as well. I didn’t watch it tho like I watched a bit and was like fuck this then left. yeah I also hate it when he goes on streams of people who actively talk shit about him like :/// lowkey I feel like I’m just a bit too defensive of him sometimes because of all the unnecessary shit he gets from so so many people but at least I recognise that ig. I swear tho, his twitter stans get him in wayy more shit than he does. like that one account that counted the days made me so mad. but yeah it is kind of the same stuff. like I try not to cause I know it’s the same but like when I do it, it feels justified and not just being shitty for no reason but take away all that and it is really the same. like not to be a gatekeeper buuuuut. I’m very good at ignoring it all tho

that’s really cool but also spanish as a requirement in uni (/college idk)??? never heard of that. oh dang that’s cool I’ve always wanted to know more languages. language and the way people use it and like communication in general has always been so interesting to me. I want to say something about like my strong use of “like” now cause I’m noticing it. yeah exactly, the way people communicate online is so interesting!

tubbo should start war with foolish about the beets. that would be funny I think. and amazing lore. cause like not all lore has to be all high production. like I love hugh production lore, I love funny, silly lore, I love “semi” lore I’d enjoy it all. just log onto the smp and like idk do literally anything I will count it as lore. everything that has ever happened on the smp is canon to me. tubbo could literally just like nuke someone and start a whole new storyline. he should nuke the prison. I would say nuke foolish’s summer home over the beets but I’d be too sad about that and it’s a bit of an overreaction. there is much potential and I love tubbos character. also ranboo?? he just said that enderwalk was c!ranboo with all his memories and just like dipped and went to the uk. I do get that they’re all very busy tho and it can be difficult to find the time and all that I haven’t watched much of the bear smp but it looks cool and I may get into it at some point. I feel like I just don’t have any time these days tho

he didn’t drop off the face of the earth!! he did a 5 hour long merch vc. I am australian 😔✌️so I was asleep for half of it but it was nice just listening to it when I woke up. sapanp singing was my favourite bit. like I listened to some of those songs afterwards cause I liked them but it just wasn’t the same😔😔

I feel bad for replying so late tho so sorry about that I just felt very not social all day but I do like that with anon I can kinda just come and go and it’s chill

Yooooo congrats on the gifted punz sub! Yeah I seem to have bad luck with gifted subs, random chance I’ve only gotten sapnap, the fundy gifted was a gift from a friend

The best knowledge is free anyways. Also uni/college always tries to guilt you like who are you the catholic church fuck off. Bruh I’m paying for your services you should be treating me good I’m basically a glorified customer

Bro you where a twitter updates account?? Props to you I am at all times in the worst position to know stuff. Unless I am actively live blogging I have 0 what’s going on. I’m always years late to new informations like I’ll check my phone and realize that I missed a whole lore stream. Also on twitter you can’t even send dts right??? Like here you can actually say the words death die & kill but on twitter you have to censor yourself. “Die” funny, a little threatening but ultimately can be ignored. “d13” hilarious not at all threatening?? Wait this makes it seme like I am cool with death threats I’m not but I’ve gotten a fair share and seen other people get them and they’re always funny to me. Telling someone to die isn’t funny but being told to die is very funny if that clarifies anything. I thinknI watched a lot of the kaceytron stream (however I watched it through a dream fan streaming the stream so she didn’t get any views/money) and the whole thing was extremely upsetting. I can be defensive of him too, not so much for him but more for me. I know he can probably handle most of it but how dare people insult stuff I like. It’s less defending his honor and more how dare people disrespect me through disrespecting things I like. Plus if it ever is too much for dream I know his friends will come in clutch. Bbh saying stuff is the indicator tm that what people are saying about dream is bullshit

Does college means something different to the rest of the world? In the us it’s almost interchangeable with uni except universities can give you a doctorate while college can only get you your undergrad. It’s less that spanish is required and more that we’re required to take two years of a language and I just chose spanish. I’ve met so many people who either only speak spanish or have spanish as their first language that knowing the amount that I do has actually come in handy. Dont think about the like thing too much trust me. It’s a really good comma and indicator that you’re speaking casually but the more you notice it the more upsetting it becomes

I think the beets could be a great plot point because beets suck and I hate them!! I really do like silly lore but I hate the effect it has on the fandom. I haven’t forgiven people for writing off the l’sandburg lore. In the words of the wisest man I ever knew “everything I do on the dream smp is canon to some extent”. Accept that silly lore is canon folks!! That’s what makes the dream smp so much fun! Also high production lore can be super lame guys please this is roleplay in minecraft chill

Wait about tubbo’s lore did we ever find out who stole the one nuke? I don’t watch a lot of ranboo’s stuff but I’m very happy that enderwalk ranboo is besties with c!dream theory is coming along nicely. Uno au my beloved. No about the bear smp stuff I’d also like to get into ballsmp, more of hermit craft, and 3rd life but I’m busy too? Like college hasn’t even started and I’m already sweating. Speaking of other smps do you remember that smp that karl and quackity were invited to but never logged on? Ahoddj that was hysterical. Never gonna watch it, just think it’s funny that they were invited and decided you know what nah

The 5 hour long merch podcast my beloved!!! I had two favorite parts (other than sapnap singing) the first was when he said the alright and we all complained enough that he decided to keep streaming and the second was the final alright where he said bye and then dipped with 0 hesitation while sap & george were still in the call sjsjdk

Again no worries I’ll always be here to answer no rush for anything I’m simply vibing at all times

[gregoriabenavides01]

sugar coating the truth

*Freelon, Dean; Charlton D. McIlwain; Meredith Clark. (2016). “Beyond the Hashtags: #ferguson #blacklivesmatter and the online struggle for offline justice.” Center for Media Social Impact. *Gee, James Paul. “Discourse Analysis Matters: Bridging Frameworks.” Journal Of Multicultural Discourses, no. 11, vol. 4, Dec 16, 2016. pp 343-359

*Freelon, Charlton, & Meredith, article is quite a stir, due to this reason, its Twitter. Everything and anything goes; it is known as well unto the public, well analysis with positive and negative tweets. “BLM’s engagement with online media will provide important object lessons for the movement and its successors.” Lesson, it speaks off helping blacks in a joking matter, memes which defile their culture and discriminate at the sometime. They spoke of study’s revealing the affects, “But first, we want to clarify what the report is and is not. It is a data-driven work of social science research aimed at an educated, but not necessarily academic, audience. It adds to a small but growing set of research studies on BLM and the Ferguson protests.” But this isn’t all it also states how the role of the online media and how it is well received and how it contributes in making history. There are three major sources which they speak off on how their news has been spoken and utilized: Twitter is one, BLM also participates in interviewing, and also the networking on the Web. “ecosystem predates the rise of #Black lives matter on Twitter by many years, and this section thus serves as an effective prologue to our Twitter analysis. Our analytical strategy for the Twitter discussion is tailored to its sporadic character: we divide our discussion into nine periods whose boundaries trace the ebbs and flows of tweet volume over time.” Twitter has become a double-sided sword, which it is being utilized in both side of the law, because it depends on what side of the law you are representing and are ethically searching for legal rights on. Also, its publishing goes worldwide not just in your neighborhood likes in the past. It even gave percentages of its networks: 59% were new sites, 75% were direct towards the new sites, which at the end of today its 236 web sites and it was all build within the last fifteen years. But later in the article it had a change of web sites # to 239, which were linked to BLM. It also mentions about the audience, it is not only black, a diversity of races, which are morally supporting. Twitters or as we also need to refer too are the audience, their linguistic usage and rhetorical paraphrases are phenomenal due to how fast it was discussed and labeled during their research study. “Some tweets in this community supported the movement, noting for example the protesters’ peaceful tactics, local efforts to clean up Ferguson, and generally opposing the grand jury’s decision” as well as, “it was difficult for us to tell whether they were supportive, oppositional, or simply looking to lampoon the news story of the moment”, which “most of its hubs do not typically tweet about politics or current events—rather, participants were unified by their tastes in entertainment.” Its affects were as, “there was no consensus opinion on the decision as there was in most of the other communities.” Between all the articles of bullshit and this one it had research to back it up and also it involved worldwide communities getting involved in BLM.  Bullshit articles mainly taught us how to detect bullshit and not to be a victim of such artist. All of the articles makes common sense, if only we are willing to relate closely to all of their vocabulary and its rhetorical comments. 1. How did it make you feel reading about BLM and how Twitter was involved? 2. Were you able to draw a conclusion on what was really being expressed in the article? 3. Are you a twitter? 4. How often do you twit or do you comment as a twitter?

*Gee, “tentative and exploratory” , will be the beginning of how he first started his search in finding truth in scientifically ethically can be sought out and proven. Gee wrote behind a “based on an old and famous thesis in philosophy called the Quine–Duhem thesis”, which will add Karl Popper and philosopher Abdolkarim Soroush analysis and discussion form. “Quine–Duhem thesis argues that scientific claims (hypotheses) cannot be confirmed or falsified on their own by observation or evidence”, which constituted into a theatrical idea which consisted of observation or evidence findings for it to be sounding and correct. He also “sets limits to empiricism”, which is hoped that all that has presented is proven correctly within time. This is where framework comes in and takes a play. But Popper adds three elements, which might be important to science. He claims that we should make sure to notice the data, its findings, which will take us further and will dictate truth to our scientific evidence. Popper spoke of “paradigms” being part of one of the scientific branches. “Paradigms change, not because a new paradigm directly disconfirms an old one, but, over time, problems build up for the old paradigm and then a new generation of scientists reformulates questions and methods in service of a new paradigm.” This brought also debates between them including, “Quine–Duhem thesis played an interesting role in debates following the Iranian Revolution (the Islamic Revolution) in 1979 led by the Grand Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini.” He was a great debtor within philosophy of science, history, and religion in the Islamic. Which he brought out many religions beliefs that have been debated and have caused much controversial in the science world.  This is where all framework discourse analysis has come in and has fixed misunderstanding between what the world say and what religions truth might say in what the scientific world has conducted its search of truth. This brought out a 9 idea of frame working in order to clarify any doubts. 1. ‘tree’, like all words, has what I will call a ‘semantic meaning’ and a ‘situational meaning’ 2. “Words take on various relationships to each other” 3. Semantics and situational meanings 4. Life experience, right or wrong. 5. Open-minded to bring clear frame work. 6. Confliction within a presented hypothesis within a frame work. 7. Frame working as whole, truth, within a destination. 8. Goodwill, not bias. 9. Interpretation of a source FDA, providing good will.

This reading as the previous readings had an important theme to express about, but it was trying to prove something important across to the audience. This is what makes it important informative information because both had a researcher, facts, evidence, well defined, expressed, examples, not bias, and it was done in a fashionable form that would grab anyone’s attention. Especially, if they had a self-interest in the topic.

1. Should we be allowed to be brained washed by philosopher’s beliefs? 2. Should religion brain wash what the world has to offer? 3. Do you think that Popper was thinking beyond what he was trying to prove in the first place? 4. Will “goodwill” actually tell us the truth or will it just sugar coat it, like that it will not hurt our feelings and it will protect them?”

[jillmckenzie1]

The Silver Lining – Online Dating on the Road

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away, I came across a guy on Bumble who immediately proclaimed in his bio that faith was the number quality that he was looking for in a woman. Okay. He then proceeded to say how much he loved positivity and hated photo filters: “Real is beautiful.” You got it, bud. I second the filter hate train. I mean, I’ll send you a dumbass video of me with cheeseburgers circling around my head, but a hard no on the cat ears for public visibility. In true Stephanie fashion, I led with: “Should I start sending all my Snapchat filter selfies now or later?” (don’t worry, the answer is yes, I do amuse myself). Here’s the part where you sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. His response: “Funny, Funny. I wonder what a vagina looks like filtered? Huh [insert light bulb emoji]. I have an idea. Test it out for us. Send me one both ways. I’ll let you know [insert smiley face emoji].”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Yep, this actually happened. Seriously. I responded and questioned why, on any planet in any point in time, he believed this response would be an acceptable way to speak to a woman. Ever. I recall using words like “disgusting” and “degrading” (I’m sure the screenshot is somewhere deep in the abyss of my iPhotos if you need evidence). His response? He was joking. Right. Super funny, dude. Real funny. Report. Block. Terminate. Bye.

If you’re single, you’re not surprised by this story. If you’re in a relationship, I hope to God you are completely astounded. And, while I often think dating apps are the absolute devil, it is also the current means to an end. Are you even a real single person if you are not on a dating app? Not even kidding. Okay, slight over exaggeration, but truly, never in our wildest teen years did us 30-something-year-olds imagine using our phones to score a significant other (AIM, sure, but not our phones).

So, I exist in my current reality. Fact: I’m single. Fact: I’m transient. Fact: I’d like to be in a relationship. Fact: I don’t care whether or not that relationship exists in a transient or stationary state. So, yes, if our vibe is high and you want to hop in the Airstream and explore every end of the earth, great. If you work in a job you love in a city that you call home, ask me to stay. Let’s ride the wave. Together. Because, seriously, doing life with someone who really gets you better than anyone else ever could is the real damn deal.

Back to dating. I don’t think anyone actually dates anymore. I am actually convinced that it’s not really a thing these days. There’s like pre-dating in which you entertain the idea of actually dating. And then there is friend-zoning or jumping deep into the abyss of quasi-matrimony. I speak with experience from the former, not the latter. And, mark my words, “friends with benefits” is so hot right now. I actually went toe-to-toe with two guy friends at a bar last weekend in a pursuit to convince them that the typical Millennial male is more often than not seeking a friend with whom he can simply have sex than an actual committed relationship (let’s just say they didn’t disagree). Because, I actually do believe that most men do not want to sleep around with handfuls of random girls. They seem to be perplexed by their own paradoxical existence of not wanting anything serious (i.e. being forced to attend your grandma’s 80th birthday with you) while simultaneously wanting to have sex as much as humanly possible.

Let me present to you exhibit A.

I moved to Denver in my Airstream last spring. I met a guy on Bumble who happened to be on the way to a bachelor party for the weekend. I assumed we would engage in an hour-long text conversation that would end with him asking me to send nudes or with him sending me a completely unsolicited dick pic (because, yes, as you can assume from the above scenario, guys really do that). I’d tell him to (a) Google a nude, any nude (most certainly not mine), if that’s what he wanted, or (b) I’d cuss him out for exposing himself like a disturbed and arrogant asshole, and I’d add another tally to my list of douchebags found in the wild.

Welp, surprisingly, he proved me wrong. Beyond that, he actually seemed interested in who I was as a human being, and he proceeded to text me non-stop over the course of the weekend. While at a bachelor party (I feel that this detail needs repeating).

So, he returns home three days later and we commit to actually meeting face to face (like, whoa). And, for lack of a better word, it’s flawless. We’re super funny together (priority one), conversation is natural, and chemistry is fire. We hang out for a few weeks, which inevitably leads to sex. Immediately, he drops the bomb: let’s be friends. Let’s. Be. Friends? Oh wait, I’m sorry, correction, let’s be BEST friends. Perfect. Great. Because, I’m really lacking in the best friend department (insert massive eye roll here).

At this point, I assume it will die out. I assume that he used the nice guy “let’s be friends” card in an attempt to save my feelings and he will vanish as quickly as he had appeared. But, no. He quite literally continues to pursue my friendship. For a month he asks me to do nearly everything with him. He also proceeds to pay for everything: climbing, concerts, movies. Let’s note here that he also proceeds to take my clothes off on a semi-regular basis (despite his constant commentary on us needing rules to prevent such happenings). Final bomb: after a Luke Bryan concert, while sitting on a bench enveloped by a Colorado night sky, he tells me that he loves my soul. I’m sorry, what? Like, we are dating, bro. We. Are. DATING. I don’t care what you title me, but let’s call this thing by its Urban Dictionary definition. He follows up this statement with the fact that I simply deserve better. One, I think I am being dumped for the first time without ever actually having been in an established relationship. Two, fuck off. No one gets to tell me what I deserve. I decide that. So, no, I don’t deserve better. You simply deserve less based on your own evaluation of whatever this thing is that we’re doing. Say that, please. Own that.

So, spring came. And, spring went.

Summer roared in like a lion, and I committed myself to rock faces and mountain peaks, two things that I find to be (surprisingly) much more predictable than men. I also dove even deeper into my work (don’t worry, the digital dating gods still delivered amidst my commitment to my professional projects).

Enter exhibit B.

As a freelance creative director and brand strategist, I work remotely for all of my clients. Idaho. California. Kentucky. Texas. I sometimes wonder if I have a subconscious goal to knock off all 50 states. With all that being said, I met a guy in another state who pursued me completely on his own accord. My vision had always been to travel with my Airstream, but I was never 100% certain on dates. This guy gets my number, he uses round-about questions to engage me in some witty banter, and low and behold he says, “Move down here and I’ll fix all your dating problems.” Wow. Bold statement. I like it. So, after a couple months in this state of flirting euphoria, I commit (amongst a sea of many factors, but I’m intrigued by what’s happening here). He calls me pet names and we have running jokes, and if you know me, these are the keys to my heart. So, I’m smitten kitten. Without any expectation of what will actually become of it. If anything.

The point here is that I show up. I have the luxury of saying yes and then doing something about it. I want to be next to him, so I choose that. Because his voice brings this uncanny smile to my face, and when his name appears on my iPhone notifications, there is a simultaneous level of excitement and comfort. He is fireworks, and he is coming home. And the beauty lies not only in the feeling, but also in the reciprocation of the feeling. Because, there is zero bone in my body that has interpreted anything that he’s told me as being untrue.

Until I’m there. Until I’m standing in front of him begging for every inch of contact. And, that alone becomes the culmination of months of aggressive flirting. Me. Begging (like, seriously, just kiss me before I scream). Because he likes me, but he doesn’t know. I’m sorry, what? Yes, he likes me, but he doesn’t know. Because, self-admittedly, he is a tease. And, he likes it, even though he’s not proud of it (his words, not mine). Perfect. Great. Because, my character flaw is not consuming enough water daily. The effect of this flaw on other people: zero.

At this point, I need to clarify two things. One, I respect people who have an awareness about what they do not know. There is nothing wrong with not knowing. I would take harsh honesty over a sugar-coated lie ten times out of ten. My frustration or disappointment or bewilderment exists in the actions that suggest otherwise. I get it, the pursuit is fun, but if you are not ready to take the elk out of the woods after the hunt, then why are you going hunting in the first place? Terrible metaphor, by the way, but rolling with it. Two, I do not believe in forcing anything in life. I spent far too many years making things happen in the pursuit of checking off items from some proverbial checklist (which is entirely bullshit, by the way). So, for someone not to choose me does not devastate my being. Yes, I have feelings. Lots of them. Too many of them, probably (hello, Leo over here). But, in a world where we get to choose everything (for argument’s sake), I’m not into forcing anyone into a choice that involves me.

What I have observed in this last eighteen months of singledom is that no one wants to commit. To anything. There is no need to commit to anything. Most guys are on dating apps to have sex. Okay, rephrase, most guys are on dating apps posing like they want something substantial in order to get sex. I actually have the most respect for bios that read, “If I’m being honest, just looking to hook up.” Bravo. Kudos to you, dude. Because, I have had my own seasons of wanting more and wanting less. And, there is nothing wrong with either choice. There is nothing wrong with existing in either space. It’s the lack of honesty that burns me to my core. Stop flirting with me if it’s not going anywhere. Stop wasting my time. I don’t need more friends off of Bumble, or sliding into my DMs, or through obscure means of getting my phone number. Truly. I’ve reached my lifetime quota after 34 years.

In tandem, what I have observed in the last eighteen months about myself is that I am, most certainly, a lover and believer of words. And, that is the crux. That online dating, or simply just dating, is this whole show of words. That are so easily believed. And it’s just all shit. If I had a dollar for every guy who suggested running away with me in my Airstream, I would have been able to pay straight cash for my new F-150 a few weeks ago. Seriously. There’s one in LA, and a couple in New Jersey, a handful in Texas, and so many in Colorado that I’ve actually stopped counting. Because the minute I say, “Okay, I’m calling you on this statement,” my experience indicates that they can’t live up to it.

Great, tell me all about your fantasies, homeboy, only to ghost two days later (or, better yet, I find out about your undying love for your current girlfriend on your second to last Instagram post from five days ago). Newsflash, smoother operator, this is my actual life over here. Hope you enjoyed your glimpse.

So, yes, I’m attempting to not grow cynical. I’m also attempting to unpack two very real personal questions. One, if a game must be played in order to win the affection of another, and that game requires me to act outside of my normal state, then am I even winning if I do “win?” For example, guy articulates that he doesn’t know if he wants anything. Then, the same guy asks for me to bring him food because he’s stuck at work. I show love through service, so naturally, my being is dying to deliver said food. But, guy advice (based on my current inner circle) is usually, don’t bring him the food: “He’s using you. If he can’t say that he wants you, but is willing to get favors from you, show him that you don’t have time to do him favors without him giving you a respectable level of commitment.” And, this is fair. This actually makes sense. But, still, I deliver the food (yep, that’s me) because, yep, that IS me. And, I don’t want to be anything but myself. Ever.

Two, what is my responsibility to give people space to be honest and themselves but also to guard my own heart in that process? I believe in ease. I believe that there are certain things in life that mysteriously and beautifully fall into place. I’d like to believe that a romantic relationship would unfold in a similar fashion. But, if this guy says he doesn’t know and then proceeds to engage with me in a fashion that suggests otherwise, should I believe his actions or his words? And, the fact that I’m asking that question is my answer, right? If the right person were standing in front of me, I’m confident I wouldn’t have to be choosing between his actions and his words in the first place because there would be an alignment in both areas that carries the level of integrity that I demand for in my own self. Yet, here I am, FaceTiming my best male friend at 7:32pm on a Wednesday night to ask how to respond to the 47th text message from a guy who just doesn’t know what it is that he wants from me, making me perplexed on how to proceed with my own verbiage and actions.

At this point, let’s add the nomadic element to the mix. And, I am quite confident that therein lies a bigger piece to this commitment-phobic puzzle. Because, it is easy to fall into a routine with someone who resides within your city limits and has a similar schedule to your scripted life. It is an entirely different thing to choose a person who has the freedom to leave. To ask someone to stay requires a deeper level of commitment. It means that someone is choosing for me to do life alongside him, and it means that we are taking off into the sunset together or I am abandoning the road to call someone my home. Ultimately, that choice is my desire. Because, the more I embark on adventures alone, the narrower the gap becomes for me to experience those things for the first time with someone else.

And, I’m starting to question whether or not anything is actually beautiful without it being shared, without it being seen through two sets of eyes in the same moment, if anything is real without the conversation of that thing existing between two coherent bodies.

So, I continue to sit and manifest these desires in the belief that, one day, I’ll be done with the exhibits. That, one day, someone will choose me, and I will choose him back. Without force. Without fear. Without the twenty questions. Granted, maybe I’ve already missed out on Mr. Perfect somewhere in between. Because I didn’t like his shoes. Or his haircut was weird. Or, I swiped left because he failed to include a bio (c’mon, guys). Regardless, I know that wanting something requires attention to that thing. I know that wanting someone requires intentionality to his existence. So, I’m here. Showing up. Attempting to live outside of our digital dead zone. Attempting to keep doing the work to have that one thing that my heart yearns to explore. I can reason that if it were easy, then everyone would do it. Like, really do it. It’s not easy. Not everyone does it. Like, really does it. But, it will damn well be worth it.

Meanwhile, if you need help with your pickup lines, don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs. They’re currently still free for the taking.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/the-silver-lining-online-dating-on-the-road/