#i fear this post is so niche it may get a minus number of notes

[myriadwrlds]

i just found my baker boy hat that i was gonna wear last time i saw les mis but it was too warm so i thought ‘no matter! i shall wear it next time!’ and now… there is no POINT. it is USELESS. i am SO SAD.

[angstymarshmallow]

Fanfiction: a balancing act

I can’t remember the last time I’ve made a somewhat serious post explaining some of my thoughts...where I wasn’t being melodramatic about my own life or posting fanfiction. But this is it, a post simply sharing some thoughts I have.

Again, it’s my perspective and nothing I say is absolute truth. But posting this does sort of allow me to be at the mercy of the internet.

Every once in awhile a discussion with one or more of my fanfic writer pals comes up. Sometimes we talk about in length anything from the expectations followers have, how often we update but most importantly - the expectations as a fanfic writer you have for yourself.

Sometimes, that may mean going on semi-hiatus for weeks or months because of a lack of inspiration, motivation or just downright writer’s block that you can’t simply avoid. Other times, it means scheduling specific times of the week to release certain content. It really depends on the writer themselves.

However, I think the biggest thing I’ve come to realize - it’s like an epiphany really is how much I truly believe fanfiction life is a balancing act.

At one end, you as a writer are consistently trying to provide content. If you’re like me, that’s the bread and butter of your blog (minus the things you get attached to and post along the way) but generally speaking, that’s why people follow you. They like the pairings you write. They like your writing style. But on the other end, being an active fanfic writer in the community also means supporting other fanfic writers like yourself and other forms of media for the fandom you are in. Maybe it isn’t much of an obligation but rather an expectation on everyone’s parts.

In the beginning, I was very good at both of these things. It’s been about a year plus? Probably two years that I’ve been a fanfic writer. I used to constantly absorb fanfiction and reblog them with my thoughts on the accounts that I found fanfiction I thoroughly. And there was an expectation on my end - assuming/unassumingly so for people to do the same. It felt like the ‘right’ thing to do, or at least common courtesy. I began blogging more, reblogging more - writing more. Fanfictions are the only short stories I have ever created and finished. But at the same time, I was absorbing so much content at an alarming rate. I wasn’t doing as good of a job at work anymore, and my partner had some complaints about me spending time on my phone rather than with him. At that point, it was the awakening I needed.

And for the better part of last year and up until now, there’s been some disconnect. I don’t update as frequently as I used to (and part of that is because of real life; my job, person issues, my health etc) and the other half is my reaction to other fanfic writers on tumblr.

Let me explain. There’s a good amount of great writers; writers that know how to string words together in a way that looks effortless (at least from an outsider’s perspective), writers I haven’t even had the pleasures of reading yet. And then there are writers in general. Some that are very good at tailoring to the audience and popular ships; and others that don’t care for popularity and post what they care about. Basically, there’s tons of talent out there. 

While scrolling on my dashboard, I saw a post recently indicating - writers that have gained a following no longer supports or reblog the posts of other writers (usually smaller or not as known writers of the fandom). This is where I think the biggest urge to kind of collect and write my thoughts in a post came. Reading this, although it wasn’t directed at me specifically, I felt guilty because - have I become such a person? Admittedly, the first thing that came to mind was yes. If I am to compare my earlier experience here to now - it does seem that way. I haven’t been nearly as active and as supportive as I used to be and I feel terrible about it. 

But along with this realization also came the realization there’s a number of factors why and they aren’t not necessarily about writers themselves.

Ironically enough, the biggest problem I have is my self confidence or lack thereof. More often than not, people that have read my stuff, liked it and/or have left comments - usually have something thoughtful or sweet to say - which I LOVE and never take for granted. Regardless of how much other people may appreciate my stories, I still struggle with the same more or less thoughts I’ve had since almost the beginning of my fanfic writing. Is my writing good enough? Will it ever be good enough? Is my writing style the best it can be? Is it changing to become better and better? I find this especially true for pairings that aren’t quite as popular or mainstream. 

Other writers: technically this should go under the same issue. I do have the tendency to compare other people to myself. At first, I told myself it didn’t matter how good someone else is, that shouldn’t diminish me in the slightest. I should be happy for them and wish them luck in all their future endeavors. As I mentioned earlier, there are a lot of writers out there. Some of which has specific niches or books they prefer, while others cover a wider array of books and genres. But there’s also a good amount of writers out there with a lot more interesting plots and notes than my own work. Although, for popular pairings - I do receive a good amount of attention in my earlier experiences, it still doesn’t quench the fears I’ve always had. The worst part is I’ve now started a downward spiral of - I’m not good enough, why do I even try? It doesn’t matter because _ _ are soo much better at this than I am. It’s pitiful, and whiny and it doesn’t help anyone let alone myself. And thus, I begin reading less and less of other people’s fanfiction knowing that theirs are either (1) completely better than mine, and I cannot help but agonize and compare or (2), super popular with its own twists and turns and drama - things that don’t necessarily interest me. And the fact that they interest other people discourage me. Either way, as much as I want to support other people all the time - I’m also selfish enough to recognize I can’t always ignore the impact their work has on me.

Another problem is timing. Sometimes, my personal life is so hectic that I don’t have time to sit and read, or even when I do have time my mind is elsewhere and I can’t connect to a story the way it properly deserves. Other times, my personal life is so unbelievably shitty that I can’t even browse online and read anything because I’m too miserable..or too sad to. Or basically a bunch of other emotional or random things that get in the way and stops me from wanting to.

Hiatus. Sometimes I take small hiatuses from here depending on other things going on. This is kind of linked with my earlier point of timing, but it also has to do with the fandom itself. On a whole, what I’ve come to realize in fandoms in general - discourse and discussions are a natural occurrence. With as many people as there are in a fandom, I think it’s natural to have conflicting opinions and views. We grow up with different experiences, come from different backgrounds and walks of life thus naturally no two people will share the exact thoughts about well, anything. As similar or as different as that may be sometimes it often causes misinterpretations, generalizations, racism, homophobia and other matters that should shed light and educate when possible. Hate (anon hate?) are a negative part of that affects a fandom and its members inclusively. And one can’t talk about the positives without sometimes mentioning the negatives as well. Still outside of a community, it weighs on a person. Even inside the community it does as well. Like I said, we’re all different. A lot of the times though because I don’t actively engage, I don’t feel the weight of it as much as because I’m very used to not taking things personally, (I come from a very strong Caribbean background and that factors directly into some of this)  I like remaining as objective as possible depending on the circumstances (something that school has long since drilled into me) and other times I’m eager for an open discussion and understand how that may affect my mental health. It is also good to note that having different opinions doesn’t make anybody more right or more wrong over someone else. There’s opinions and then there’s facts. And then there’s morals and ethical behavior. Basically, while being vague - I can admire some of the politics that comes along with it but remember in the beginning how I mentioned I use this as a way to escape? Yup, this sometimes goes at ends with that. Sometimes in an attempt to get away, I miss updates and stories from my favourite writers and thus continues the same cycle of balancing. 

TLDR: I guess mostly, I believe fanfiction is a balancing act because of the silent demands and responsibilities that come along with it. I don’t think I come close to meeting most of these demands anymore, because of the examples I’ve listed above. I think I’ve written this as a way to - I don’t know? Relate to other people I guess, hoping my fanfic buddies and myself aren’t the only people who experience similar feelings when it comes to balancing fanfiction with...well everything else in life.

If you read this and actually got to the end, thank you for your time. Sometimes I end up in a tangent and it gets difficult to get back on track. In any case, thanks for listening to me rant.