#i exert it by yelling at my cats when they're being loud and bothering me

[snekdood]

people expect schiophrenic people to all just be unhinged when in reality we're all just unhinged in different unique ways djrjkeke

no but seriously, its very weird having the experience of my mom saying my sister is more likely to be schizophrenic than me, which i think she probably evidences in her mind because my sister has had many more breakdowns than me, she sometimes down plays my delusions while upscaling my sisters, when when i look at my sister, i see a lot of the same weird conspiracy shit i believed in, so i dont understand why she keeps trying to say im JUST schizoaffective whereas my sister is entirely schizophrenic. the only reason i was able to escape those delusions was when my ex started to use them against me and when they left they just dropped it immediatly, like it never happened, like they didnt enable my delusions and make them worse- they just dropped believing in that stuff and switched immediatly to villifying me for believing it at a time. so i realized once my beliefs were used as a tool to manipulate me, i just cant bring myself to believe this shit anymore. but that doesnt mean those delusions dont still haunt me, they're extremely hard to unlearn especially when you were essentially using conspiracy theories and new age spirituality and shit as a guide to life since you felt you had no guidance. maybe i dont believe in that stuff anymore but new delusions pop up from it, i can still be effected by these beliefs and the fear they bring even though i know it rationally to not be true! another thing that sucks is trying to figure out the conspiracy theories on the left vs the ones on the right, because i think i digestes both growing up so seprating them now can be kind of hard. idk. im rambling. but to get back to my point, im still really effectes by this stuff, new things to necome paranoid about pop up all the time, one od my delusions is thinking everyone on tumblr hates me lol, even though i factually know this not to be the case, theres probably mollions of users, i cant stop myself from feeling that fear, and i cant stop myself from sometimes believing its true even when its not. idk. i dont like that my experience and pain is being downplayed, i think i have schizophrenia 100%, because i will say that when im mot on anti psychotics i feel fucking worse and i feel more of an urge to entertain my delusions.