#i even kinda resent the fact I'm not suicidal. it would make sense. but no. just despondent and hopeless

[crippledanarchy]

I wish I was one of those people that starts posting less frequently bc they're doing better and living life

but I just have nothing new to say because I have given up

[rillils]

how do explain stucky from the moment they met to where they are now (together in each others arms) to my friend who knows nothing about marvel

ohh this is a tough one, honey! i think i've got two options for you:

the short answer:

stucky is a compendium of all the best tropes out there, and i'm sure i'm gonna miss a few:

soulmates? check! star-crossed lovers? check! battle husbands? super check! mutual pining? check! 'and they were roommates'? check! best friends to lovers? check check check! long-lost lover comes back from the dead? fuck yeah, check! temporary amnesia? check! dude in distress trope? check! 'they will always find each other and choose each other in every lifetime'? also check! identity porn? extra check! saved by the power of love? you guessed it: check! slow burn or childhood sweethearts? you decide!!! did they share their first kiss when steve was 16, as per a popular fanon theory? did they only confess their feelings during the war? did they only get together much later, when bucky was healing in wakanda? you can pick literally ANY point in their timeline, and it will still make sense! they're all equally valid! you can even have multiple different headcanons at once, i mean who's gonna stop you??? all you have to do is join in the fun! 💕

the long AF answer, aka:

STEVE & BUCKY'S LOVE STORY, UNABRIDGED SOMEWHAT ABRIDGED, part 1/3

all right, let's set the scene:

imagine two young kids, let's call them steve and bucky. they meet, they immediately take to each other, they become instant besties! and as they grow up together, facing many hardships, their bond deepens. not only are they best friends; they are also each other's family. they take care of each other, and they both know they can always rely on one another in times of need.

when steve's mom (and only remaining relative) passes away, bucky reminds him that he's not as alone in this world as he thinks he is: bucky will always be by his side. bucky will always love him unconditionally, will always be there for him, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, and he wants steve to know that.

in fact, he asks steve to move in with him, thus offering steve both a literal and a metaphorical home.

and steve says yes!

SO. they are each other's home, they're living together, they're getting by all right. but then war breaks out, and eventually it reaches their little home as well: bucky is drafted, and steve, due to his many health issues, and despite his best intentions, can't follow the boy he loves onto the battlefield.

it's a very difficult time for them both - so much so that they can't even bring themselves to talk about it.

they have no choice but to say goodbye for now, knowing that they might never see each other again. but here's something you might not know yet about steve: he's the most reckless, most stubborn fucker america's ever seen. he's not gonna let this stop him!!! instead, he goes and gets a very sweet, kindly scientist to fucking experiment on him, because screw it, he's going to fight in this war if it's the last thing he does. and that's how he goes from Smol Steeb to Lorge Premium Steeb.

of course, things don't go exactly as he predicted, and steve is made to be the star of a war propaganda-fuelled musical kinda thingie, which he resents (but he looks fucking precious in his costume)

BUT! he does get closer to the actual battlefield. which is where he discovers that bucky has been captured by the enemy (!!!!!!!) and is most likely dead by now. but steve isn't willing to give up so easily! he'll believe bucky's dead when he sees it with his own eyes. so, he embarks on this suicide solo mission in the attempt to get bucky back, even if it means wandering on his own. into enemy territory. where he would be shot. on. sight. with no protection for his dumb ass except for a bunch of theater props!!! but such is the power of love, y'all.

against all odds, steve finds bucky very much still alive! and as soon as bucky recognizes him, even as confused as he is, he pulls out this beautiful, ecstatic, angelic-ass smile, like he's just seen god or he got high on some real good edibles or maybe both idk, like my man here was having a serious Religious Experience™ you guys

and i just wanna say, they could have totally kissed here and it would have made plenty of sense. but that's true of like 90% of their scenes in this franchise, so *shrugs*

ANYWAY steve takes bucky in his arms (well technically yes he does) and brings him to safety, and on their way there, bucky proves once more just how hard he meant that "with you til the end of the line" from before

afterwards, steve is finally given the chance to fight, just like he wanted.

bucky, on the other hand, could very well leave the war behind and go home; but when he learns that steve is staying, he chooses to stay too, and fight by his side. and he tells steve so in this very intimate, softspoken, delightfully suggestive conversation, which can be summed up like this:

and so they walk right back into the heart of the fight, only this time together, as they were always meant to be!

but. during an especially tricky mission, they're surprised by the enemy, and as a result, bucky falls to his death into a deep ravine.

steve is devastated. overwhelmed with guilt, grief and rage, he vows to bring down the people responsible for his loss, even if it costs him his own life.

and um, it kind of does? cost him his own life?

victorious after his last vis-a-vis with The Antagonist™, steve still chooses to sacrifice himself to prevent the catastrophe set into motion by the aforementioned Antagonist™. he's flying a jet over the frosty expanse of the atlantic, and you know, from the outside, you could easily argue that he could try to save himself. if he really wanted to. but with bucky dead, and the people responsible for all this pain, either dead or captured, it seems like all the will to fight is gone from steve; and so he plunges the jet straight into the ocean, and himself with it.

is this the end of their story?, you might ask.

the answer is: of course not!!!! the best is yet to come, babes!!!

EDIT: here is part 2

[illbestarryeyedforyou]

how do you deal with depression and loneliness?

I think it's difficult to answer this because everyone deals with them differently and my way might not work for you, but I'll try to make sense and give you an insight to how I "deal" with these two aspects.

I'm actually kinda of appreciative that you ask because I've been thinking about what my therapist asked me to do in cutting everyone out of my life in certain social media ie Snapchat and Instagram. The next visit will be wether I'm able/willing to do that. I'm mentioning that because it corelates to my sadness and loneliness.

I don't mean to be too open so I'll try to not be irresponsible with my privacy.

There's different ways I've learned to deal with both loneliness and depression simultaneously. Wait- let's get one thing clear, it hurts. Always dealing with it.

Mental illness can get and is messy sometimes. In fact, fighting for your mental health is almost never something shown to the public, it's not celebrated, truth be told, it’s something that is mostly regarded as uninteresting, yet it’s the greatest challenge someone might face.

Personally, it's something heavy that would always eat away at me. I couldn't think clearly. Sometimes I even felt like I couldn't breathe. It got to the point where I would even disregard all the help of those that were trying to be there for me. I don't know why.. I guess everything felt hopeless, and meaningless. I thought that if I glorified this feeling of not wanting to be here, of wanting to disappear, it would help ease the pain. I was wrong, of course, but I felt shame in admitting to those around me that cared for me that I was struggling, that I needed help. Depression in most cases, is a silent killer.

However, thankfully, I was able to cope with this.. struggle. It not always easy, in fact, sometimes it felt like lonely journey. However, it can be an enlightening and blessing one to say. I apologize if this sounds like I'm gloating. I promise that I'm not trying to that. Sometimes it's difficult to give yourself credit so I'm simply trying to acknowledge and express how proud I am of myself for how far I've come and just how much I'm trying to make ground for the life I've neglected.

There's this barren part inside me that I've been telling myself that I don't want to go back to, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that it's wiser for me to step into that desolated place and slowly begin to water it. I'll stand there and inhale all that shame, hurt, loneliness, anger, sadness, uncertainty, resentment, and the suicidal ideation in me and then exhale out kindness, curiosity, joy, excitement, determination, resiliency, courage, hope, and love untill that's all I keep breathing in and out. It won't be easy but I'm hoping through therapy, I can walk through that part of my instead of avoiding it. Not to forget about it, but to embrace, acknowledge, and tell it that I care that I messed up, that I'm sorry, and although I can't change the past, I can focus on the future by mending that part of me so it no longer a barren side of my life but hopefully a meadow of positivity.

That's 👆🏽 actually what I'm going to talk to my therapist to help me address it. We briefly talked about it, but every time I talk about it I cry (I'm crying typing this). But I feel as though it's something worth.. aiding.

Try to reach out to someone if you can, anon. If you can't, know this: it won't always be that way. If you're currently struggling with depression and loneliness, I believe that you can mend it. Find resources, hobbies, but most importantly, practice coping methods that help you ease the struggle of depression and loneliness. I know that therapy might not be for everyone, but I advise you to please give it an opportunity of you haven't yet. Please reach out. Please try to remind yourself of your worth in this world. Take each day as they come and find ways to make it a good one.

Setbacks are part of life, but you keep trying to "look up" and remind yourself that life is a blessing. That it's not as bad as you might feel it is.

As for loneliness? Sigh, I feel alone right now, but sometimes that a phase in life some of us will have to go through. Become your own best friend. Do the things that will bring you joy. Appreciating your own company makes the loneliness part more bearable.

And maybe someday, you'll make new friends and even find a favorite person? Who knows? I just know that loneliness is something you can embrace or dread. Choose wisely.

I wish I could help, anon. I'll be rooting for you, okay?

I rambled like a fool and I don't know if I made sense.

Here ♥️♥️♥️

Thank you for the ask, anon. You got this 😊😊

[phoebehalliwell]

i don't know if i'm the only one but i've often wondered exactly how hard it was to convince julian mcmahon to stick around for season five. they took his character, a feared powerful half demon and made him into the butt of the joke and the whole joke was basically ha ha look at this lovestruck fool obsessing and suicidal because he's got nothing to live with but can't die. ain't that funny? like how the fuck did the writers sell that to julian is my question

i find the entirety of season five just so goddamn insulting to cole's character. hell the fact that he got possessed by the source and this was treated as him turning evil instead of a shitty situation that got out of hand. like it wasn't bad enough he was villified for something that he wasn't even in control of half the time they couldn't even just vanquish the dude, they dragged it on and ridiculed him. i hate it here

lol. i mean. yeah. i really. like. it's like. like okay we all know cole was a fan favorite right and he & phoebe were really meant to like. be the sex appeal to the show no one else was really filling that role they were charmed's Sexy Couple tm. so like. in a sense i get the notion ab wanting to keep him around. because everyone loves him! he's bad boy! he adds this dangerous edge love balancing on a knife's point stuff like that. so like. that being said. u wanna keep him around. i just like Do Not Get how you opt to keep him around Like That. tbh. as w all things. i am blaming brad kern. i think it all really started to tank s4 (well, with mortal cole, but like) with source cole. that was bad, but i know it was part of the push to have like long form season drama character driven plots conflict between the sisters themselves it just like. sucked ass and balls imo. like i mean the fact they had to do the source as a possession just so they could get demon cole and lover cole,,, i mean it speaks to how stupid it was. the fact that u wanted cole to be a villain So Bad but the only way to do it was like. possession? sign that u should not do that like. like. like. i don't know how we're supposed to feel ab that.

and then. the vanquish. not sticking. i think like. i think they probably had the vague idea that cole having a mortal soul would not be able to be vanquished properly right? like. demons get destroyed into nothingness, but the human part of him lives, so i think they probably knew that was what they were going to do, that's what they sold to jmm and like. we sowed those seeds in the s4 finale w his ghost whispers and materialization. so i think like. they knew they wanted to Not Kill Him because he was such a fan favorite. maybe there was an intention to do a will they won't they variant of phole? and then. of course. there was the whole idea of paige cole, which, as the rumor goes, was meant to kick of in the s5 pilot, but both julian and rose shut it down. but i feel like. assuming that's true (which i 100% do assume that's true absolutely and i'm not endorsing it i don't think it would have been good or well written or whatever but like. 👀. you know?) but yeah. assuming that's true, i feel like that piece really speaks to what their designs for cole were: man meat. he was meant to be their male sex appeal and they weren't going to be picky about the narrative itself as long as he was still kicking.

but like honestly? i mean i shouldn't have to say this it's a given: it's not enough to just put your sexy man in front of a camera and call it a day like imo even a man who is not sexy can be made appealing through the power of the narrative. like, to level with you, i never really ever shipped phole nor found cole attractive at all like ever, but i can see like the fucking support beams you know i can see the infrastructure on which this whole thing can you know take on a life of its own in the earlier seasons because they very consciously put it there!! people shipped it for a reason n not just because they were two people standing next to each other on a tv screen i mean hello almost sinking a dagger in her heart but can't do it sends her away back to her sisters because he can't act out on his evil plan!! that's something!!!! that's so very something and they gave us Nothing they gave us nothing in the later seasons. and still expected it to fly. like. tbh julian was probably just like unwittingly duped like dragged along for the ride s5 which is likely why he was vanquished halfway through because i'd imagine roughly three episode in he went okay! um. what's this? guys? what's this? and then they said cole<3 you know he like knew he had to get the hell outta dodge.

anyways. if i were to resuscitate phole in s5. which like. to level w u. i wouldn’t. because they would need a lot of one-on-one screentime and we already spent so much of s4 splitting up the sisterhood in the name of phole i wouldn’t really want to continue with that per se But. if i were. this ask is getting long it’s under a cut 

something something demon of the week something something realms the point is cole is there when he very much shouldn’t be and like. he and phoebe get knocked into a different plane. so their bodies are fine and at the manor, but their minds are elsewhere and they need to solve whatever it is in order to get back. and we’ll say there’s a fuckin deadline because the girls need the power of three and right now they are sealed off from accessing it. and you know phoebe’s pretty fuckin pissed with cole because you know. he dragged her down to hell and she almost gave birth to the antichrist. actually source’s heir might be fun to keep around in this au idk. the point is phoebe’s pissed at cole and cole’s pissed at phoebe because phoebe’s pissed at him but he literally didn’t have control over himself in that era and he’s not getting the space he needs to justify himself because phoebe keeps stepping over him. but they gotta work together to get out of here. and were kinda doing enemies to lover 2.0 but like now they have History. of course we’ve gotta do a moment where cole has idk done something normal and phoebe’s so riled up that she does something rash and almost dies cole saves her like catches her bridal style or something faces inches apart breathing heavy and there’s a moment. like a we’re back in early s4 moment. which phoebe immediately breaks from and like walls going flying up but just for a moment there we see it it’s obvious: she’s still in love with cole. which then segues into an argument because like. cole wasn’t sure. right? he wasn’t sure if phoebe now just genuinely hated him. but now he knows right he knows better now so why are you acting like this? why are you taking every opportunity to shut me down to shut me out? why are you acting like you hate me when you know that’s not true right that whole thing to phoebe who gets the Classic because i do hate you. i hate you for what you did to me for what you did to my family and i hate you because i loved you so much and you destroyed me and i hate you because no matter how hard i try that love is still there and i know that for a second if i stop hating you i’m going to love you just like before and you can destroy me again and i hate myself because i’d let you because i love you. you know? big speech. big reveal. i have No Idea what piper and paige are up to right now. the point is. after this big confession we get the lull the cards are on the table what the fuck do we do now which is when cole Finally gets to opportunity to say he was actually possessed by the source and manipulated by the seer and the only thing that kept him holding on was his love for her and after she became queen of hell after he saw what the source had done to her he knew it had to end he doesn’t hold it against her for vanquishing him right this is where we exonerate all wrongs we’re just saying anything bad that has happened ever? scrub it. it’s the source’s fault. cole has no resentment against phoebe. he loves her a healthy, normal, non-possessive amount, so much so He Loves Her So Much he let her kill him and like honestly would probably do it again. idk and then they make out or something. and then they’re out of whatever plane they were in by the end of the episode. And Then we get a buddy cop episode with paige and cole where they bond and also sort through everything that happened there. slowly but surely. and then we do a real phole wedding a super small affair in the manor lowkey bc i hated their wedding episode it blowed we give them a good one. wallah <3

[lady-byleth]

My friend, I want to hear more of your opinion regarding the questionable how-did-we-get-here relationship between Soushi, Kazuki, and Maya. I actually had fun watching Maya crushing on Kazuki in S1 and to an extent in Exodus. Then there's the canonical ship tease between Soushi and Maya, which is IMO flimsily written? (They had a stronger chemistry in S1). I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is that everything derailed the moment Maya's characterization shifted.

I have a lot of thoughts about this, though full disclosure, I haven't watched The Beyond cuz everything past the movie is just...no.

If you ask me, the ship tease between Soushi and Maya doesn't work whatsoever because in season 1 she vaguely resents him and treats him like the number 1 reason for Kazuki's problems. Which, in her defense, isn't necessarily wrong but disregards a lot of his own problems

She isn't downright nasty to him but she is very clearly aware of the fact that Kazuki cares about Soushi more than anyone else and while she doesn't like that she knows getting Soushi to stop being so cold would help Kazuki mentally a lot, which she doesn't like cuz she'd prefer being that person for him herself but she's emotionally mature enough to put those two fools first

Meanwhile every canon piece of media ever has made it a point to mention that Soushi also cares about Kazuki more than anyone, especially post reconciliation in season 1 and their connection in the movie, and past Heaven and Earth he repeatedly implies that he knows he won't be around for long, especially in late Exodus. He doesn't make it a secret that he won't survive the season and actually makes an effort to build up Kazuki's support system for him, including Maya.

And since he was also fully prepared to die for the island as early as season 1, him suddenly giving clumsy hints towards Maya makes zero sense, especially when they already established a much deeper emotional connection to Kazuki as early as the first episodes of the series.

From my perspective, Maya giving up on Kazuki because he's more focused on Soushi and Soushi pushing them together cuz he knows Kazuki will need someone who cares once he's gone is more in line with their personalities and their previous characterization

Maya still being in love with Kazuki and just not pursuing it is very much something she would do cuz she never puts herself first, never has. That's shown as early on as her friendship with Shouko.

Kazuki never showed any interest in girls whatsoever, and even when he figured out Shouko liked him in the novel he didn't even see her as an option, so if they actually show something developing with Maya that'd be weird

Soushi doesn't know what being selfish means unless it comes to Kazuki so him showing interest in Maya is also weird cuz of how one track his mind is concerning Kazuki

The love triangle being Kazuki -> Soushi -> Maya -> Kazuki is weird when you consider their behavior and characterization for most of the series.

It being Maya -> Kazuki <-->Soushi while Soushi keeps himself back because of the circumstances of his return and impending death to instead instead try and push Maya and Kazuki together makes more sense

Idk if that what you wanted to hear but that's how I view it. Again, haven't watched The Beyond cuz everything after the movie has just been...kinda meh, especially when they began pushing the Kazuki and Soushi dynamic to the background and even forgot that Kazuki would lose his goddamn mind if Soushi jumped in front of a gun of him in season 1

Just...remember his reaction to Idun kidnapping Soushi? Kazuki thought he was dead and BEGGED HIS FATHER to let him go on a suicide mission to get revenge? He even outright compares his feelings to what his father felt when Akane died. Remember that? Cuz I sure do.

Everything less than that level of devotion is ooc and not my Kazuki