#i dont wanna claim to know her better but it's like she's completely changed worldviews ever since she met that guy

[quelsentiment]

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[dahniwitchoflight]

bleh im thinking about things again

just fyi talking about lapis lazuli again and my opinions about stuff probably because im hyperfocusing on/relating to her again, feel free to completely ignore if you dont wanna engage in that kinda stuff i wont judge

but anyway, ive also been wondering on why there such a clear divide in who people think did what exactly, when to me its seems perfectly clear, cuz like, ive been through this kind of thing my whole life. thats why i relate to lapis because i was isolated and trapped for my whole existence and she was for like 1000 years. At times I still feel intensely the emotion of “i have no mouth and i must scream” like she did in the mirror

but like slowly and slowly im coming to the conclusion that people who think Lapis was abusive, or that mutual abuse is a thing that exists instead of the oxymoron that word is, are either people who don’t fully get what abusive dynamics are, or people who are still in abusive situations themselves.

which is why im gonna do my best to frame my thoughts as nonjudgemental as possible, despite my clear stance that Jasper was abusive and Lapis was abused. 

because fun fact about abuse dynamics, making the victim feel like they are the true abuser is abuser tactic #1 and the most hardest to recognize from both the outside and the inside. people can live their whole lives thinking they truly deserved the abuse they lived through because the people abusing them told them they were bad people, monsters, and thus had to be punished, their abuse was just “natural discipline” or “an appropriate response”

like, blame shifting by acting like the person being abused is actually the abuser is how the abuse cycle keeps proliferating

people ask all the time questions like “why didnt you see it coming, why didnt you escape, why didnt you get out” but he answer is because the abuser doesnt just abuse, they cut off all escape routes, abuse isnt abuse because someone got physically hurt, abuse is abuse because its about psychological control and dominance. thats how they keep their victims trapped. thats how victims stay trapped. because theyre worldviews and beliefs and mentality get distorted by the abuser, the abuser makes them think all of their actions towards the abused are justified, the abused deserved it because the abuser got them to doubt who’s the real person in the wrong by intentionally muddying the waters of right and wrong

the abuser tries to make it seem like they are the ones getting abused, not the people they are actually hurting.

the myth of mutual abuse is what lets abusers keeping abusing people. that is there entire modus operandi and part of why the cycle of abuse is so hard to dismantle.

and maybe thats why i have such a strong reaction to people doing the same thing, claiming it was mutually toxic or Lapis abused her back or their both to blame or etc

but i get that this tactic intentionally makes it difficult to discern reality, thats the entire tactic, thats the point, to try to hide the reality that the abuser is actually the bad person here not the victim by making it seem like the tables have turned

so to people unfamiliar with the cycle, or people currently inside the cycle themselves (like old me, so i totally get it, i do), it can seem like an impossible he said-she said match where both sides seem like they have valid points but sympathy is created or had for either side so the waters get muddy and instead of seeing the reality of abuse they see it as “both were abusers and both were victims”

like, i get that there are other victims of abuse who identify with jasper, because jasper displays some familiar behaviors to them, there are parts of her that seem sympathetic, i totally get that. i can totally see where this entire post can look like im doing the same thing with Lapis towards Jasper to people who identify with Jasper

but the problem is Jasper in canon is displaying those behaviors intentionally to manipulate people close to Lapis into believing Lapis was the terrible person in the wrong instead of Jasper. and afterwards when shes not around Lapis she shows no remorse, believes she is justifed in her actions, and uses them against other people as well.

and we know Jasper clearly understands how to use people’s weaknesses against them, that was the whole point of making her the antagonist in Amethysts arc as well. to showcase her behaviours and personality outside of her dynamic with Lapis so it becomes clearer what kind of person she is when Lapis isnt in the picture, in a place where she hasn’t intentionally muddied the waters by calling Lapis the true monster, trying to manipulate Steven into siding with her against Lapis and preemptively apologizing for Lapis’s behaviors for her saying yes you were terrible and what you did was bad but look i can be the bigger person and look past all that, see im even better and changed, we can make this work, we can both work on both of our problems that caused this situation.

like i just keep going back to this website because it explains it so well: http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/myth-of-mutual-abuse/

like when looking for the differences in Jasper’s and Lapis’s behaviours, there are key differences that need to be acknowledged

Jasper acts differently around Lapis and around other people. Painting herself as the victim to Lapis or the people around her, but clearly having no such sympathy for others who are not Lapis when’s not around her, like Amethyst. Jasper played on her insecurities, emotionally manipulating her in order to achieve the upper hand in battle. and not once does Jasper ever consider that her behaviour was genuinely a bad thing to do, no matter what her behaviour was in Alone at Sea when she was actively trying to manipulate the situation in her favor. The fact that we see her later act otherwise with Amethyst’s situation, justifying her own behaviour as the Strong should beat the Weak, is proof she doesn’t see anything inherently wrong with the behaviour itself, only that it looks bad to others, so she blame shifts to get that off of her and onto Lapis.

Lapis meanwhile acts consistent around everyone, Jasper or otherwise. She sees herself as genuinely in the wrong, no matter what people say to her. Even Steven, the one person she trusts unconditionally. Abusers don’t ever actually think they were genuinely in the wrong. If Lapis was actually displaying abusive behaviour, instead of self defensive behaviour, then she would take Steven’s words as Steven being “on her side” and immediately say “yeah you’re right, I’m not the monster here, see Jasper even Steven believes me!” and that would be a blame shifting tactic. But that’s not what she did and that’s not what happened. Then also, she is the first to try to break the cycle of attack and self defense, even if she thinks she was partially at fault or mutually abusive for self defending, even believing that to be true she still took it upon herself to end the situation, to say no, that was awful, that hurt me and it hurt you and was good for no one. Lapis said I don’t want anything to do with Jasper anymore. Jasper said I want this to keep happening.

Abusers generally don’t want their victims to “escape”. If Lapis was an abuser here, she would be wanting Jasper back in her grasp after Malachite ended and was no longer necessary to protect Steven

and I get that sometimes victims can be addicted to bad relationships and go back to their abusers, but thats a sentiment that Lapis clearly displays when she says she needed that awful situation, no matter how terrible it felt to both of them and that she missed Jasper

Jasper instead stalks Lapis across the earth in order to coerce her back into the relationship. Like, even if a victim missed a previous abusive situation because it felt familiar. I cannot imagine a victim going as far to stalk their abuser back into one. and maybe thats just me. But Lapis fled was she felt was a terrible situation and felt internally conflicted about it afterwards. Jasper genuinely believes that them fighting for control over Malachite was fine, likely stemming from her belief that Power rules All, and again, her unrelated behaviour with Amethyst, and wanted that back to the point of stalking Lapis. 

there is a clear difference in motivations here. 

Lapis shows internal conflict related o her actually being the terrible one and also remorse over the entire situation and avoids the other person

Jasper clearly shows no genuine internal conflict, only manipulative tactics meant to shift blame onto Lapis, does not feel remorse over those actions and actively shows further abusive behavior both towards Lapis (Stalking) and other people (Amethyst) making any previous apologizes resonate as hollow.

this is why I stand so strongly and resonate so strongly with Lapis, because I can recognize when an abuser is trying to paint themselves as a victim, and when a victim is painting themselves as the “true” abuser

the dynamics of psychological control is what abuse is all about.