#i dont remember anything from the past like 2 weeks except pain lol

[leointhemoon-blog]

my past with dieting

wow, i think this post might end up being long.

to begin with, i was a fat kid from the very start. i don’t think i was obese but i was, i guess, overweight. now that i look back at it, it might have been the baby fat that added to the illusion. or maybe not, since i was fatter than everyone else in my grade. 

before i even started school, i was just known to my family as that toddler that loved to eat. as with every story about eating disorders (disclaimer: i never really had an eating disorder but i guess... i almost did if that’s possible.), a likely factor would be the bullies. so in my story, my first bullies would’ve been my relatives. 

it’s funny because the word and notion of “family” are supposed to resemble people who support you and care about you. i’m not saying my family doesn’t, but i guess they just have the worst ways of showing it... maybe it’s part of being asian? 

anyway, i would remember when my parents dropped me off at my uncle’s place. he’s the second oldest brother of my mom. the uncle would every so often pick at me and say “oh who’s the chubby baby? it’s you” or some cringey baby talk that people do to toddlers-- except it’s usually “who’s a good girl” not “who’s the chubby kid”. lol. there was my cousin, his daughter, who is like at least a decade older than me who didn’t hide her dislike towards me and constantly ask “why do you eat so much?” i often didn’t answer because tbh, as a really young child, i wasn’t much of a person that reacted.

they weren’t wrong ofc. i actually did eat a hella lot. damn, i was a fat kid, deadasssss. even my mom joined on in the pinching of my belly and teasing. i think my first time being self-conscious about it was when i kept sucking in my belly as much as possible when my mom tried to force me into some uncomfortable ass jeans.

when i was a student at my third elementary school (my family moved multiple times), that’s when the bullying started. there’s a ton to say on that matter, maybe i’ll make a separate post, so i’ll just talk about the moments that really matter here. in general, the girls would often refer to me as the fat kid and sometimes would even throw in a comment or two. damn, why are kids so mean sometimes? even now, as a near young adult, i still see kids bullying each other and i can’t help but sigh in disappointment how it’s innate nature of humans to bully others. it’s kind of ridiculous. if you’re going to dislike someone, don’t show it enough to make them feel utterly terrible about themselves. if it gives you power to do so, you’re rotten trash. literally, you’re the real ugly one here.

i remember once when i was sitting a couple of rows behind the rest of the girls in my class in the auditorium of my elementary school, i was watching them talk. and they talked loud so i heard everything. they were just saying stuff like “i do this to my hair to make it look prettier” and “omg your hair is so long it’s so pretty”. i guess they caught me staring so one just smiled and said “(my name) can never be pretty enough with that short hair” to which another said “she’s kind of fat anyway”. ok, first of all-- i loved my damn ass dora the explorer hair cut ok? i was excited to go to the barbershop as a child to request the dora haircut specialty, bitch, i rocked it. i was sorta hurt by both the short hair and fat comments but like again, i didnt say anything i just looked away. 

after that, the next time my dad brought me to the hairdresser, i was rebellious as heck. i didnt want short hair. i wanted to keep it long. but you know, there’s only so much 6 year old me can do, so i got my hair cut anyway.

fast forward to fifth grade. after years of constant teasing about my shape and weight, i think i had my awakening after i finished some good ass sandwich at barnes and nobles. i told my mom i was going to use the bathroom and so i did. after washing my hands, i looked into the mirror. ahh, the mirror that makes all the self-conscious people shudder. but i think i had never felt extremely self-conscious and distraught until then. 

nobody was in the bathroom at that time, so i was brave enough to continue staring. i took in the sight of my flabby arms (which honestly wasn’t that flabby but it wasn’t thin) and most of all, my round belly. i was horrified as i turned to the side and gaped at how my stomach protruded out of my abdomen. it was like i have never noticed before. then as if a dam has been broken. all those comments and pinching at my body flooded my mind, screaming at me that yes, you are fat. you just realized? again, remind you, i literally wasn’t obese. i was overweight. two totally different things. if i want to make myself feel better, i guess i was borderline overweight only but idk, i was still fat. 

i went home that night looking up on the internet “how to be cute” and “how to be pretty” like the naive kid i was and i gave up reading on tips on how to stand or how to dress. i decided i was going to diet. 

when i refused to eat more when my mother offered another helping at dinner, i told her i was going to diet. immediately, she yelled angrily and was probably shocked, like who gave my daughter that idea what-- i was and still am a stubborn person so i persisted... i’m not going to go too deep into this because it was often just her trying to feed me and me trying to eat less and less. 

i remember when we were at this shopping mall we frequently visited and i was in the dressing room trying to fit on new bras. when my mom helped me buckle up my bra after i finished trying on things, she said, “(my name), you got skinnier. i don’t even need to clasp your bra at the outermost row.” there were three sections for adjustment. i had managed to go from the outermost one to the innermost one. her voice held disappointment, but my heart had felt so light. i was elated.

this continued on into sixth and seventh grade. that’s right, it continued on deep into middle school. except it gotten worse. not only was i cutting down on portions of meals at home, i even did so at school. i skipped lunch, opting to avoid the lunch lines. i managed to skip breakfast when one day i got the idea of lying to my mom. “dont give me breakfast at home. i can just eat the school breakfast” to which she believed and sent me off to school without realizing i really wasn’t going to eat anything. i spent classes with awkward stomach growling. at that time, i didn’t know people could hear your stomach make noises when it’s hungry so i was fine with it lol. i slimmed down by a whole lot. 

just to mention, if you’re going to lose weight, make exercise a thing. don’t strictly diet like me. i should’ve probably exercised but nah, i just depended on eating less or not eating at all. like any other rant, i’ll mention this: the rough start of my depression started at the beginning of eighth grade.

i was sick of “friendships”. sick of being used. sick of being second or third or anything else not first. sick of being manipulated. sick of being easily thrown away. most of all, i was just so sick of myself. i felt like i could never be able to have a friend. a friend i could depend on. i cut off all ties, if they barely even existed. i went into complete isolation. eighth grade was the grade i spoke not a single word to anyone. unless ofc i had to answer some question in class or do some group discussion. but even then, i honestly went so quiet. more quiet than i ever was before.

when i did speak a word outside in the hallway once, my classmate thought he was funny and said “wow, (my name) can talk?” and laughed like it was just that damn funny. idk bro, you got nothing better to laugh about? it’s nice that i matter so much to you, you had to make a comment, let alone say my name because clearly my attention wasn’t even on you in the first place. 

anyway, hell yeah, i was hella emo. and when i’m emotionally depressed af, my appetite is ruined. starting that year, i fell into constant times of not feeling like eating. by then i was already thin enough i guess. i admit, i wasn’t skin and bones. but i wasn’t overweight anymore. my skin grew paler. it became harder for me to stand up without feeling lightheaded. i began catching colds more often than i ever had before. none of that deterred me from dieting though, despite by the start of my depression, i was already midway through not strictly dieting anymore.

depression continued that for me though. it hurt to eat sometimes. when i feel like crying, when my throat feels rough, my heart feels heavy, why add to the pain by forcing myself to swallow food? i’m not bulimic, i never was. i just avoided food. i would constantly protest “mom, i’m not dieting, i really just am not hungry.” did i ever mention that throughout my years and still up to this day, my mom would constantly throw shade at me for choosing to diet in the past? it hurts every time she does. in fact, i started writing this long ass post just because she did it again today. 

i think she also started to notice my increase in depressing mood so sometimes she won’t say much if i refuse to eat. it was like my body hurt when i saw food and my mind drove me somewhere else to avoid the food placed in front of me. food repulsed me. my stomach turned at seeing it. near the end of eighth grade, i gotten into my first serious relationship with some girl 2-3 years older than me online. it lasted for about a year. honestly, it was a very rocky one. i constantly felt depressed. she was depressed too. she made me feel more depressed than i’d be if she wasn’t there, if i had to be honest. 

the week following after our breakup, i was utterly broken. 14 year old me had no idea what i was supposed to do. it was halfway through my freshman year at high school. i didn’t have much friends. i only had one. even then, they weren’t there to support me. the other one...who’s now my best friend...i had lost her contact number. it wasn’t until four months later til i finally got in touch with her again so she wasn’t there to help me through my post break up either.

if me skipping meals often because of emotions was bad, this week was the worst. i legitimately didn’t eat more than 3-4 small bites of food a day. even now, i’m surprised how i managed to survive that week on so little food and how my mom didn’t even say much. she did notice and ask “why arent you feeling hungry these days? something wrong?” to which i’d brush off. i cried a lot. a hella lot. most of the times, it was heaving like i was trying to throw up my heart. i mean, i still have my crying sessions as i’m still...hella...depressed and yeah it feels like that. it be like that sometimes. and then the moments besides “most of the times” was me sniffling on the school bus because i just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

i could’ve killed myself. i nearly could’ve. midyear exams were coming. the stress from both school and my personal life was overwhelming. my body was destroyed. but somehow, i manage to overcome myself and get myself back into focusing on the exams. damn, i was hella scholar. now i’m not though lol. but then, i was focused since i was only a freshman that had just gotten into a prestigious school. the exams had managed to make me forget about what happened temporarily.

now, i still constantly look down on my body and wonder if i’m too fat. i still fat check. i squish my thighs, stare at them, hold them, then stare again. i look at my belly, i pinch it, i stare, i hold it tight wishing i can make the fat disappear. i’m not fat per se. people now call me skinny af, call me a pile of bones (i’m not, they’re exaggerating but i wish i was tbh). i hold my arms, squishing them to see if they’re too thick or not. i still look in the mirror observing the width of my body. i still try to calculate how much i’ve eaten on a daily basis. thinking about what i ate today and how much i’ve eaten. 

perhaps, i’m not actively starving myself anymore, but those actions of paranoia and self-consciousness never left me...my stomach is probably ruined. will that stop me? probably not. i’ll be honest.

[saintkimora]

ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now 

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea 

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him 

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings. 

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do  

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness 

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol 

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better 

[noahhernandez]

I’m OLD and bored 8/7/2020

1.Is there a boy/girl in your life? No!  2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? If it is Pajak then no i do not <3  3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” A cat, and oddly enough Cardi B 4:What’s something you really want right now? A stable job that I like :)  5:Are you afraid of falling in love? No, but I don’t want to. Relationships are soul sucking and not in the fun way. 6:Do you like the beach? No i do not like the beach one bit. Well, I like being in a beach house but I don’t like getting in the water. 7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes I have  8:What’s the background on your cell? It is the scene in Hereditary where he husband is on fire 9:Name the last four beds you were sat on? Mine, Emily’s, Bri’s, lol I don’t really know um  ? Probably like my aunts when I lived with her 10:Do you like your phone? Yes it work 11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned? NO! I wanted to have a fun summer and look for another job and think about studying for Grad School and etc etc but I was JOBLESS for FOUR months and bc of COVID we cant do a DAMn thing 12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? I have absolutely no idea probably like.. ? I don’t know lol 13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Rottweiler 14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional pain, lol it’s funny bc my last answer said physical I have grown up so much  15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Art Museum 16:Are you tired? Physically yes lol 17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact? For 16 years because it’s my little sister 18:Are they a relative? omg yes 19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? NO ! well maybe 1.  20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? I have no idea bitch !  21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? no 22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? no  23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? 3 24:Is there a certain quote you live by? no!  25:What’s on your mind? literally nothing its kind of nice like not thinking 26:Do you have any tattoos? Yes, I have a sleeve so a total of like 9 tattoos i think idk 27:What is your favorite color? black 28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Hell if I know 29:Who are you texting? Nobody bc Emily and Janett are at work and Bri (F.) is simply not texting me 30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? yes 31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Yeah of course its called  i know things bitch 32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Ya of course i can tell michelle faith bri emily and janett everything  33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you? u know probably not 34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? my eyes are dark brown lol so no 35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? i dont care 36:Were you single on Valentines Day? yes !  37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed? I honestly dont know the last person I kissed like i dont know if it was michelle or not lmao 38:What do your friends call you? Noah 39:Has anyone upset you in the last week? No  ! 40:Have you ever cried over a text? Probably ! Yes when I was told “sorry noah i cheated on you last night” like who TEXTS that LMFAO anyways I cried 41:Where’s your last bruise located? hand from work 42:What is it from? oh from work 43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? Bitch i want to die 44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with? leann  45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? my dr. martens theyre like 2 inch platforms lmao 46:Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? No lol 47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style? no omg 48:Do you make supper for your family? ew hell no i live ALONE 49:Does your bedroom have a door? omg yes  50:Top 3 web-pages? Facebook, Twitter, Youtube 51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping? Um, no all my friends shop about an average amount 52:Does anything on your body hurt? My back and my feet!!  53:Are goodbyes hard for you? They were sometimes. Sometimes it do be sucking when u say goodbye but didnt know it was the last :( 54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? I had the sudden memory of last summer when I fell down the stairs at work and spilled coffee all over myself and had to change 55:How is your hair? Short and not combed at the slightest 56:What do you usually do first in the morning? Pee! !!  57:Do you think two people can last forever? nope!  58:Think back to January 2007, were you single? I was 10 59:Green or purple grapes? Green 60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? um honestly i have no idea lmao we arent allowed to hug each other in these tough times!  61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? no !  62:When will be the next time you text someone? I am texting Angel rn actually 63:Where will you be 5 hours from now? Asleep 64:What were you doing at 8 this morning. dead ass asleep 65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Nope !  66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? this is gay yes all my friends but only because they are funny not because I enjoy seeing them 67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today? I did not hug anyone or kiss anyone today!! ! 68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? i literally was struggling so hard to go to sleep last night so I was probably really frustrated 69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes on taking exams normally except my last like ... 2 years of college were phenomenal   70:How many windows are open on your computer? 4- amazon, youtube, CBS and this 71:How many fingers do you have? 10 72:What is your ringtone? like the original one 73:How old will you be in 5 months? 24 LOL  74:Where is your Mum right now? Honestly I have no fucking idea lmao 75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?  because they cheated on me, they were very toxic and manipulative and uncaring and i dealt with it for a long ass time and it literally going to kill me if I kept it up. Dealt with bad anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, I wasn’t eating, and I had to start taking medication and see therapy because of it literally it was the worst shit ever  76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No 77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Let me think of some- yes. Faith, Peter, Michelle, Bri, Emily, Janett, Angel, Anissa, I’ll still consider Keyla my friend too hehe .  78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? some guy named Chris 79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? No 80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? yes and I hated it

81:How many people have you liked in the past three months? 0 82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? no lol 83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight? no!  84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Definitely MICHELLE and PETER. I would ask Bri and Emily to please not let me get that drunk 85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? yes 86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? I literally work at a movie theater an nothing cool happens like the last almost 6 years of working there have been boring 87:Who was your last received call from? Leann asking me where my nametag was at in my car 88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? um yes 89:What is something you wish you had more of? money !! $$$ 90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?  ya it was some dumb ass shit !  91:Do you sleep with your window open? hell no i live in southeast houston is too fucking humid and hot for that shit i will get mold 92:Do you get along with girls? yeah lmao 93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? i dont even know i dont think so 94:Does sex mean love? hell no!  95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? nope!   96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? ew no those are trashy 97:Did you sleep alone this week? yes lol :( 98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? my friends what kind of dumb ass question is this  99:Do you believe in love at first sight?  no !  100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?  nobody ! if anything I smokey sweared with Michelle like 23 years ago

[surveysbygracelynn]

Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? If I’m being honest, if they’re an athiest I kind of pre-judge like.. are they entitled or what. If they have some other faith system I am curious and respect it. 

Do you ever brush your teeth in the shower? No, though maybe I should start doing that in the beginning..

Has your printer ever stopped working at the last minute and you had a paper due the next day? What did you do? Uh. hm. I would say probably though nothing comes to mind. It definitely happens at work a lot. 

Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? Always. 

Do you have a girl that is strictly a friend that isn’t related to you that you can go to? Yes and no. I feel bad going to them though. 

Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked? Yes, when I went to the city with Val and her family. 

Have you ever tried sucrets? Probably. 

Would you date someone that smokes? If the situations were different? I probably could look past it. I don’t like that people knowingly do it to harm themselves but it reminds me of home, a little bit so..

What about drinks? Yeah, my current boyfriend drinks, but if the situation was different, any sign of alcoholism and I’m out. lol 

Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere? Mehhh. I think my best friend’s other friend group used to be like that, but I also think the guys like to exaggerate. 

Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between? I don’t know. I’m sure in a few people’s stories I’m the bad guy. 

Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you? No.

Person you like shows up at your house: you … would be happy, but confused since its only the start of the semester and he has a long day tomorrow (and Tuesday if he has off tomorrow.) .

Last person you talked on the phone with? Uhhh. I think my mom on Friday..

Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now? Fusoo and Johnny will always have a special place in my heart. 

Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Not yet. 

Will tomorrow be better than today? I doubt it, lol. I’ll likely be doing the same shit, but with less social interaction. 

What do you hear right now? The laptop fan.

What was the last thing to go into your mouth? Water.

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them? No, but they can see it. 

Honestly, how is your heart lately? Sad and vulnerable, honestly 

Do you miss anyone? Yes.

Are you waiting for a phone call? Nope.

If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? I keep hoping that two of them will. If the one that kind of counts said it, I’d understand given how I treated him this summer too. If the other ex said he hates me I’d be like why, I literally didnt do anything to you. 

What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? The real one already is. lol The one that kind of counts, I’d be like oh?? lol 

What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead? It’s cute.

What do you usually do right when you wake up? I usually am like nooo. 

Are you looking forward to anything? Not really..

How late did you stay up last night? I actually stayed up kind of late for me, around 11 or so I was still up. 

Do you truly hate anyone? I don’t think I have the energy to completely hate anyone right now. I do strongly dislike some people. 

Would you ever get a tattoo? If I could ever committ to something lol 

In the past forty-eight hours, have you hung out with a girl? My mom and sister. 

Were you happy when you woke up today? I was worried it was gonna be as early as it was on Saturday lol. 

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you? Probably not. That was pretty awkward this summer. 

Would you rather go back a week or go forward? Go forward a week! 

Would you ever smile at a stranger? I do the white person half smile if I make eye contact. 

Who was the last person to text you? My mom.

What are you doing today? After I eat dinner? Idk. I’ve kind of done everything. Except for clean. Lol 

Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? I miss some of their friendships. 

Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. 

Have you ever been so bored that you started drooling on yourself? Sometimes I dissociate on purpose and do that lol but no. 

Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up? No, I have my coffee first.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Brandon and Phil. 

Want to get smashed tonight? If I’m being truthful, yes, but I don’t want to do it alone. 

What time are you getting up tomorrow? Probably like 7:30 or something. Like I said, I’ve kind of done everything. 

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? Meh. I’m alright with them. 

Think back to last June; were you single? Nope. 

How did you feel when you woke up today? Didn’t you ask this 

Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? Probably.

Describe how you feel right now. I have a bit of a runny nose, I’m a little hungry, and I’m mostly just hoping for something good to happen..

Would you date someone three years older than you? Yeah.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? In the morning. 

Do you think more about the past, present, or future? Past.

Are you okay with the life you live? I’m ok with it. I’d like a few things to change. 

Could you handle living with the last person you texted? Apparently not. LOL 

Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment? For fun.

Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far? It’s only 2 weeks into the year. 

If you could go forward in time and see your life 5 years from now, what would you hope to see? I would hope that I have a more fufilling life and that I stop caring what other people think of it. 

Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business? I could  see there being like one in the city to be vintage, but I’d think mostly they’re out.  

What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset? My nose running is pretty annoying. 

Do you think you would be a good match for your celebrity crush/es assuming you have one? Why? If you don’t have one, who was the last person you saw that you found attractive? I think so. Lol. 

When looking for something to watch on TV do you tend to pick shows you know you like, or try new shows that look interesting even though you’ve never heard of them before? I try new shows. I am ok with watching a few reruns here and there but I’ve never re-watched a whole series. 

Have you ever been ditched by someone only to find them out and about with someone else? Yup. 

How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed? Is that what i had removed a few years back? I dont know. 

What is the last song you sang out loud? Precious Lord, take my hand. 

Where was the last job application you filled out sent to? I’m not even sure. 

Have you ever been fired from a job? Yes 

What do people tell you your voice sounds like? I don’t really know. 

What financial class are you? Middle.

What poster is hanging closest to you? I have a metal wall decal closest to me, but my “I want to thrive, not just survive is closest” .

What time did you go to bed last night? Didn’t you ask this too? ... 

Do you watch any reality shows? I guess catfish. 

Are you more comfortable with men or women? I tend to be more comfortable with men. 

Do you think you’re fat? Not really right now.

Have you ever borrowed money from someone and never repaid them? Probably. 

Do you have a pet cat? No.

What is worse: physical or emotional pain? Emotional pain seems to last longer. 

How is your hair? As it usually is.. 

Who was the last person who called you? My mom.

How long does it take you to fall asleep at night? It really depends. 

How many people have you had strong feelings for in the year of 2012? One.

What are you doing for your next birthday? Woo, 25. no idea lol. 

Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? For the free food, maybe.. lol :P just kidding 

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it? I don’t think so. 

Last movie you watched? Jumanji? .... I think. 

Who were you with? Brandon and his family. 

Who came over last? Like to hang out? Probably Amulia. 

Have you ever wanted to be a ballet dancer? Maybe a little when I was younger. 

Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge? My parents do, I usually only have one or two things at a time. 

Favourite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it. Phoebe. 

Skullcandy headphones, yay or nay? I used to ~love~ them, but now I don’t have a peference. 

Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where? No.

Do you love when people remember little things about you? Yes.

Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? Not really. 

How many phones have you gone through? Maybe like 6 or 7.

Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in? Nope.

Do you think your future will be a good one? I don’t know. I rarely ever think about it. 

[chappie-has-review-blog]

Doctor Who S10 E11: World Enough and Time

RIGHT so i watched this one episode of doctor who the night it came out except i always seem to forget that it is on when it actually does come on its just a thing so anyway i watched it on iplayer obvi about an hour later after my mum said is doctor who not on tonight and i thought oh yeah it is well it has been probably because i dont know if this is actually the case but i just have it in my head that doctor who has been changing time slots every week so this time it was on at 18:45 i seem to remember it being on at like half 7 at some point but anyway enough about me lets get straight into this review of Dcotor Who??!

so as far as i can remember the episode starts with the docotr on a snowy planet about to regenerate and i remember thinging to myself wow those special affects dont look as good as they normally do when he regerantes like even in the other episode when he played a TRIK on bill and fake got shot the gold particles were a lot more thick and had a certain weight about them while in this case they seemed as thick as one part ribena 18 parts water  they just didnt seem like they had much effort put into them and then the title sequence played and i thought ugh not this again you know because i dont really like the new title sequence well to be honest thats not strictly true i do like it much more than a few of the matt smith ones but nothing really beats the david tennant and rose theme song im not actually sure if it is different in any way to the christopher hecklestun version i just got different vibes from it ygm anyway so that happened and then what oh yes LO AND BEHOLD missy steps out of the tardis and says helooo im the doctor whouuoo the way she does now let me tell  you how i feel personally about missy personally you dont have to agree with me and thats ok thats the beauty of opinions alright ok ? i can have how i feel and you can have how you feel and ne’er the two shall meet ok right well in my personal opinion i think that i feel that missy is the best character in doctor who to be honest now i know that might be quite an unpopular opinion among some people now im not quite sure who seeing as im not really part of massive doctor who fandom i just watch every episode like twice and then talk to my friends about it after they watch it with their awful sisters who for some reason fail to function if they found out something happened without them now i am an only child so i have the benefit of doing whatever the heck i want without being cyberbullied by the friends of any potential siblings well thats not strictly true this girl who is friends with the sister of my friend but who also is the sister of this really suspicious boy who has basically molested the whole of my year group and also half of the rest of the school and i walked past him outside gregs (greggs?) on the way home today and i spotted him as soon as i turned the corner i always do i have a sense for people im sure you’ll find out about this more in future reviews anyway so he hugged me while i was walking and said alright bae and i shook my head and he said whats wrong and i said im talking to you and he said awwhhh and i dont know what he expects this is the same answer i have given him since year 8 and anyway his friends just watched this and ate their food products and anyway yes so his sister “waved at me” on messenger a couple nights ago and im really not sure if thats something that messenger does itself to try and stimulate conversation or if thats something you have to do manually yourself and to be honest im really not sure which reality would be worse ha i guess you could make a doctor who episode out of that! lol seems like an amy and rory style episode although bill does seem to be quite down with the kids until she died which i will get to later on its still early days in this review dont worry

so missy gets out, pretends to be the doctor, another blue guy shoes up and really honestly im beginning to wonder what is the role of the blue people in this show because they were on the spaceship to watch earth blow up when cassandra became a thing and also they have just popped up around places over the years and i like them but who are they i want an episode just about the blue people so anyway he shoots bill and i was like oh no haha bill got shot but then she got taken by some spooky people now these spooky people were for me the highlight of the entire episode because im not sure really they went for like a real spooky hospital type thing kind of the empty child but also kind of call of cthulu vibes now im not going to put myself out and say that i know exactly what call of cthulu is but i think that it takes place in like a mental asylum or something similar and to be honest thats all i really know about it i think theres a spooky doctor which there was in this episode as well so anyway this hospital i LOVED the scenes in the hospital like they were just creepy and the way they had set out the beds was very reminiscent of the empty child indeed and bill just cleaning and the the fact that the drips weren’t pain relief they were just volume controls was v spooky and dark so i liked that  and then i liked the black hole aspect of the episode and how time was different speeds on different levels i liked that 

so then it turns out that the patients are being turned slowly into the first stages of cybermen which i guess was kind of obvious but nonetheless i liked that i also liked how they had sent troops up to floor 507 but they never came back now im not sure if that was because they actually did die or if it was just because of the time difference thing and the squad was still just up there looking around but it had been hundreds of years down below so anyway basiaclly bill is a cyberman she is the first cyberman and i liked how she cried and that was like a reference to the actual future cybermen’s teardrop eyes also i know missy will die somehow or be locked away at some point but i wish she doesnt get that happened to her i like her v mucc and also i remember something about the doctor dying on floor 507 or somthing related to that i dont know i might have just made it up but anyway he cant die next episode because he still is in the christmas special

overall i liked it i think it is nice how bill was the first cybermen but also im not really 100% on the actual history of the cybermen because they just seem to pop up everywhere and im not really sure who makes them or why and when because if these are the first and im guessing doctor who defeats them all then ?? but also in the old series what these models are from the mondasian cybermen how can they exist if these ones are from mondas but came into being on a spaceship which im guessing never makes it back to mondas are there other people back on mondas who also decide to make cybermen around the same time as this episode just by chance? also i got vorkuta off black ops 1 vibes from when the mission exodus you know step 1 get the keys step 2 skewer the winged beast etc etc um i wasn’t too fussed over the old master coming back i think it would have been a bigger thing if the marketing hadn't spoiled that tbh um yeah i cant really think of anything more right now so thats it i guess i know i did have points but i cant remember them and i didn't bother writing them down because im just so professional i can remember them in my head i have a special compartment for reviews

[gooderness-blog1]

Where do i go from here?

I always hear about how "i started doing drugs and my life fell apart and i lost everything...) well... I must be fucked in the head and stubborn because one of my problems i have in life besides drugs is that i do everything backwards.. Accidently though! Its not like i try.. So i had a pretty big drug PROBLEM most of my life since the elementary years and started experimenting with drugs pretty early on.. I wanted to try every drug i could or some how anyway possible do whatever anything and everything to catch a buzz and escape reality, It wasnt like i was a sad down kid all the time from what i chooose to remember i had a pretty good life growing up.... (👈 lies i dont no why i put that? Maybe its what i want people to think.. It was shitty dark and depressing) alot of my escape plans and drug curiosity definitely came from my parents.. They were and still currently are drug users and abusers.. But watching them have so many friends and always in motion and having fun always having a good time ( I should have put in how they verbally and physically fought 5 out of 7 days a week... But no one needs to no that...) well that really glorified the scene for me.. I realized right after i had my last wake up call on how important life is and how drugs are dangerous when i turned 18 back in 2012.. ( liver began failing me and severely damaged from being an alcoholic drinking liquor daily for 2 years everyday and hand fulls of benzos daily for months.. Liver healed up after some sobriety and healthy living) i took a leave of absence from drugs and liquor on and off for about 4 years with an occasional relapse and smoking a little weed every now and then. I worked so hard to build my life up and get out of the shitty situation i grew up my whole life with and that i made for myself.. I got a great job with no cap on overtime and actually held it down found someone i would spend the rest of my life with.. Even dropped a few grand on rings and became engaged with the whole wedding paid off months before with cash.. Had a beautiful baby boy with here.. Had myself 2 cars and bought my fiance one ( nicer than both mine of course) was renting a whole 2 bedroom house and had everything i ever needed with a some cash put in the savings for whatever happens in life and a down deposit on a house in the long term.. And stayed away from drugs and alcohol.. Well this last july that all came crashing down and i lost everything.. EVERYTHING!!! So what do i do? Well i do all that i have trained for and learned to do.. Drugs.. All drugs.. I hit everything harder then i ever thought i could survive then slowed down when i got out of the i dont give a fuck about anything hole i fell into and just stuck to blowing those beautiful clouds of shards, when i started blowing clouds daily i realised that i cant live with my emotions and feeling anymore and luckly for me smoking takes most of that away and i always have something to do ( geek out on repairing something or tumblr) and people to talk to (only at a million miles an hour while having conversations but not even on the same topic or mindset as the other person or people) but it just seems seemed (is wonderful) great!! But im sitting here outside at a gas station in the beautiful state of minnesnowta freezing my ass off... I have no where to go no where to stay no cash for food no cigarettes just to put it simple... I have nothing.. Except!! Wait for it!! A nice bag of shards!! ......... Right so here i am thinking about all of this and how i think i should stop and sober up to pick my life back up.. But i start thinking about how everything is gone i went from having the world to not even being able to buy a 40 cent donut at the gas station... ( donuts are my favorite food! Could eat them for all meals of the day!!! Actually have done it for a few days lol) but thinking about everything in my past.. Makes me wanna get high.. Thinking about my present... Makes me wanna get high... Buuuut im already high 100% of the time.. So i end up getting really fuckin high basically until i end up tweaking on something until almost a whole day passes or someone gets ahold of me and can pick me up for a few days... This last few months have basically been a shit show to say the least.. Iv had a lot of fun but i also no that i have gone so far backwards in life and its not even funny.. I can feel all of my pain and stress building.. All the stuff i smoked to get rid of are building to a point where i get small periods of chaos in my mind and head and i think about all of that bullshit when im high as a fucking kite and surrounded by people... Lately all iv wanted to do is isolate and stay away while smoking non stop... But that also means being alone.. Its been getting really hard mentally for me thinking about myself and my life.. I think about going out and trying to find someone again to be companions and to keep my life together but i dont no if i ever really could love anyone again... Its to much to think about spending and sharing the time i had... But what im asking (cutting thus short because this is bringing up to much to my mind and just really need to smoke...) What do you guys think i should do and what will help me? I cant keep up this being homeless and broke and starving lost hurt and sad all the time.. I need help from someone and i feel like this is the place to start, i feel you people would understand alittle more where my head is at. So please if you have any words on how to help or what to do next? Anything! Keep geekin tweakin! My tweaker family is my only family!! Your fellow flailer... Broken Hart💔