#i dont really like edibles but i know the people around here go fucking wild for them

[bambaooo]

2022

i doubt anyone is still on here anymore lol. shit, i barely am, i saw the las thing i posted and i dont even remember when it was lol

but yeah, 2022 was a wild ass year. alot has happened, and probably the most eventful year of my adult life thus far. 

soooo, in january was my last month of work at my job at the time. I was put in a weird position where the contract I was working for ended early and i was laid off. i feel like any other person would have been freaking out, but luckily i was still finishing up my last semester of grad school. For the first time since graduating undergrad was basically free any not working. coming from me, ive since i was in highschool I was always the type of person to want to work work work and make bread. So basically from once i could work when I was 16, i was working every chance i could get until this month. I looked at it as my opportunity to finally take somewhat of a break from working cause I know I wouldnt get an opportunity like this again. 

Although i did have hella plans for the next 6-8 months after finishing my job, i still had grad school to finish so basically from February to like Mayish I kinda just laid low and just took hella walks, worked out, and did school. i was going to sleep pretty late every night, waking up whenever and just going with the flow. there were some events scattered here and there like family parties, Allison’s cousins’ wedding in march which was fun. 

But come end of April into May, is when the real fun shit began. Went to the first of many muisical preformances. the first one was Brian McKnight which was wild. He is hella good live. and then shorly after I finished grad school.  First I finished grad school with two fucking masters degrees. One witha  4.0 and the other with a 3.9. I want to take a moment to realize how wild that is. In undergrad I legit was on academic warning and have a 1.7 gpa LOL. shit was wild. But also early on in May we went to see jame arthur in silver spring which was fun. Around mid May I went to Miami fora  day trading conference, definately a wild expereince. I learned a lot, but also met a lot of cool people. First solo trip and it was fun. A few weeks later went to my friends wedding wehre i got to catch up with other hommies and it was chill. 

Before we knew it, it was June. Something in the water was definiately something to remember, dope to see all these live performances and just be out and about. Glad to have experienced once while it was in DC for probably the only time ever. And literally a day or two after I went to trip 2 of the summer to Massachusettes for adrians weddings. First time doing a road trip like that, and it was pretty fun. Being with old friends, in a new area, just enjoying life. I was able to eat edibles, get drunk. and try lobster by itself for the first time ever and it was a good time. Stopped by in jersey on the way back and went to jersey smorgasburg and it was dope! it just kinda sucked a little while after, cause I found out i had covid a day or 2 after coming back from from the trip. but luckily it was very mild and was good to back by 4th of july. 

After a few more weeks in july, i was on my way to SoCal. 2nd a last solo trip. this trip was probably one of my favorite trips I have taken in my life to be honest. teh weather was good, was able to go to the OC fair, smorgasburg LA, and went to a reggae festival. I know the way I am with island music might seem a little weird to people, but shit, that festival was fun af. Going to concerts by yourself is fun af. Also while I was there i got to meet up with some VCU hommies and my cousin! 

After getting back home it was only a few more weeks until the last trip of the summer. Me and Allisons first trip of the year to Miami after her semester ended. It was fun too cause i didnt really go to the beach when I went in May. And I got to eat a bunch of food that I didnt get to eat the first time too. Its honestly just nice to hangout and do what we normally do, but in a different environment. 

A few weeks afterr we did a little trip to RVA/charlottesville. Allsion got us tickets for WIcked and it was dope. We were able to explore around richmond, and I got to show allsion on my favorite places to eat in rva. 

During this whole last few months from July to septermber I was consistently apply for jobs, going through interviews be lowkey being stressed about job searching. I was stressed, but not that stressed cause I knew id get a bite eventually but not knowing when was stressful. Luckily in september I got my first offer and was able to start my job in october. Fully remote and working in my field. 

October was a bunch of going back and forth between DC for work stuff and learning shit. November I kinda realized that I will have a lot of free time and that its gonna be alot of free time and pulled the trigger on fulfilling my lowkey dream of working in a grocery store. 

Holidays this year were very chill and nothing to crazy. Thanksgiving we bounced around between Allisons and My family. Christmas was more bouncing around MD and VA, being around familiy and enjoying ourself. It was honestly the first time in a while that Christmas felt like something worth celebrating. Also I actually reached out and caught up with friends. Like i feel like its very rare for it to happen, but getting together with my friends is something I will always enjoy. and tonight its NYE. My ass is at home, with no plans cause I got work a whole foods tomorrow and im completely okay with it. My life has been full of celerations and family and im okay with going into the new year chill. 

2022 has honestly been such a blessing. Going into the new year, many people want to exceed what they did in the previous year, but im already at the point that I am accepting that this past year was just so crazy that 2023 might just be a chill year. I remember I had a year i called teh “rebuild” in like 2017 or 2018, when it came to lifitng, but this will be a different type of rebuild, financial and health rebuild. I want to get my money right and get back lifting again.

but yeah, 2022 has been just full of blessing and i am fortunante to have been able to do the things that I have been able to do this year. Unlike 2022, I do not have any big plans for the year, and whatever happens will happen. Im excited for it, and am ready for what ever comes back at me. 

[tilltheendwilliwrite]

Qi Flows for Her

Chapter Three

Previous Chapter

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC x Bucky Barnes  |  Word Count: 5296 Warnings: Swearing and angst

Celine sniffled softly as she unpacked her clothes. Crying never solved anything, just drained her more and gave her a headache.

She shouldn't be here. Charles should have sent someone else. It should have been Kitty or Storm. Hell, any of them would have been better than her. How was she ever to build relations between the two factions when the majority of her new teammates looked at her with suspicion?

And then her foolish pride had gotten the better of her. She never should have told the Black Widow her name. The agitation would only grow now. Steve and Bucky would look at her with distrust. Peter would fear her. No one would be comfortable in her presence.

Yet, here she stood, suitcase open, unpacking. Feared or not, she had a job to do. She could not go home until Charles allowed it. She was stuck here in her metal cage, and she was starving.

How ironic.

All those people, all that lifeforce, and she couldn't even touch it. The cramps had not been this intense in years. So much energy wasted. Had she been able to plant her shield and ground her force, the truck would have smashed into it and stopped. Instead, it had plowed straight into her, knocking loose the hold she'd had on her chi, allowing it to dissipate back into the universe instead of drawing it into her body. Add in the energy used to heal her broken ribs and shattered hip, it felt as if she hadn't fed in weeks.

Clamping a hand to her stomach, she bent nearly double in pain. If she wasn't able to leave to hunt, if all she could do was feed off the negative, she would have to be much more careful. Damaging her body would cause her chi to deteriorate so much faster.

They better learn to trust me quickly… Celine sighed, if they didn't, she could get very sick, very fast. Living on negative emotions was like eating a diet of fast food. It sustained her, but it sure wasn't good for her.

Already she missed the heightened state of the school. The sexual tension which ran rampant. Even the thought of it made her salivate. The school was like a smorg of delightful treats. She was always well fed off the rowdy state of the hormonal teenagers.

Here, it was too quiet. What close energy was available was tense, her doing she knew, volatile and fluctuating, but with so few bodies around, and all teammates, she couldn't even take a tentative sip. The hunger filled her with such despair, to the point she’d almost given in to the tears when a knock at the door thrust her back into the real world.

Celine swiped at her face and went to open it, revealing a rather angry looking Barnes. “Sergeant?”

“I already told you it's Bucky.” He frowned, and she dropped her gaze to the floor.

“Something you need?” Had they sent him to get rid of her?

A large, warm hand cupped her cheek. “Dollface, are you okay?”

Shocked, she jerked against his hand. “I'm fine,” Celine whispered, walking away before the tears fell for a whole new reason, but she left the door open.

“No, you ain’t,” he stated, taking the open door as the invitation to enter it was. “Don't let what Nat said get you down. She's overprotective.”

“It is Natasha for whom you should worry. You should all fear for your lives. Is that not the sensible thing to do when faced with the bogeyman?”

He snorted in derision. “Celine, I was the bogeyman for 60 years. You don't scare me.”

She slammed her hand down on the back of the sofa. “Why? Why don't I scare you? I scare everyone once they know, once they figure out I'm Styx. I know Natasha told you. She was itching to the moment I told her.”

“So why tell her?”

“She made me angry!” Celine cried. “It is like being the new kid at school all over again! Pecking order! Pecking order! Who fits where? Who is the most powerful? Who's dick is biggest!” She threw her hands up in anger and winced when her back spasmed. “I want no part of it!” Tears of both pain and anger burned her eyes, and she thrust her palms against them, forcing herself to calm down. “This is why I work alone.” Heaving a heavy sigh, she crossed her arms over her stomach and stared at the carpet. “Forgive me. I am not usually so… reactive.”

“You have every right to be.”

Steve's voice coming from the open doorway made her wince. Now both had been witness to her meltdown. “It does not justify purposely instigating something with Ms. Romanoff. I usually have better control than this.” Celine shook her head. “I should phone Charles. Make other arrangements.”

“No!” They said together.

She darted a glance up and would have taken a step back if not for the sofa behind her. They stood before her, very close, completely silent in their approach. It startled her. Not many could sneak up on her in such a way.

“You wanna get outta here, Celine?” Steve asked.

“I thought I was under house arrest?”

“Who's to say we can't go out with you? That constitutes supervision.” Bucky grinned smugly at Steve.

“Really?” she whispered, shocked by their kindness. Guilt mixed with a touch of pity flared in both their auras. Perhaps she'd sounded a little desperate.

“Ya, doll. We never did get to eat, and there's a great pizza place not far.” Steve nodded toward the door.

“I would love that!” Perhaps she could convince them to walk with her, maybe slip into a club where she could feed.

“Just out and back though. Early start tomorrow.”

Steve's words set her heart plummeting. Still, it was out, and she'd make it work. “Great! A small outing in the city is better than nothing when you're new,” she agreed.

Both looked at her lips then quickly away, and she toned down her allure. They just made it so easy. They were edible, and she didn't mean only their energy.

***

The pizza was, indeed delicious, and she’d relished every bite. Though it filled the void, it did nothing to abate her hunger. While laughing softly at what Steve and Bucky had to say, she paid close attention to the patrons in the restaurant.

It was quite busy, and they were quite famous, but nobody paid them any mind. Both men did an adequate job of hiding their identities. Steve had tossed on a ball cap and black-framed glasses, and a pulse had driven to life in her center for he looked nerd sexy all of a sudden. Celine didn’t really have a preference when it came to sex appeal, but she had to admit, Steve made nerdy look hot.

Bucky, too, had thrown on a ball cap, tucking his hair up beneath it. It left the sleek cut of his jaw on display. The nice long arch of his throat with the stubble of his well past five o’clock shadow had her wondering what it would be like to kiss him there. Lick him there. Bite down and nibble under his jaw where his pulse hammered and the chi flowed strongly.

She was so intent on the two soldiers who were regaling her with tales of the war and their time as Howling Commandos, she almost missed her opportunity. When the large man, thick with muscle, stood to his feet and headed for the bathroom, Celine stood up as well.

“Little girl’s room?” she asked casually.

“Oh, uh, back there.” Steve motioned, a touch flustered.

She patted his shoulder and sauntered away, continuing to think him utterly adorable in his moments of shyness. Once she made it to the hallway, she reached out with her senses to ascertain whether the men’s room was empty of all but the big man. Finding it clear, she snuck inside and turned the lock with a quiet click.

“Uh, lady? Wrong room,” said the man struggling to tuck and zip.

“I don’t think so,” Celine purred, unleashing her allure on him. Her skin gleamed, her eyes glowed, and her hair took on a distinct wave as she glided across the floor toward him. “You want me.”

His eyes had already grown dark with lust. “Yah, look at you.” His aura spiked with pinks and reds, blues and greens.

“Do you lust for me?” she crooned, sitting on the edge of the sink and hiking her dress up her thighs.

“Ya, fuck yeah.” He half walked, half stumbled toward her.

Celine drew him between her legs and fogged his mind further, holding him still as she slipped inside his vision. “Show me what you want,” she whispered and stroked her hand gently down his chest.

She watched the desire play out in his mind. One which consisted of him dropping his pants and fucking her hard and wild against the sink. Feeding it, she laced more lust, more moans, more heat into his vision. As he approached his peak, his body still and unmoving before her while his mind did all the work, Celine opened her eyes. His aura was the perfect colour as she urged his release closer.

“That’s it, that’s right, baby. You’re such a good fuck. So hot and hard. What a nice dick you have.”

He groaned, and his hips jerked in the real world as she began to feed. It was pleasurable for her partner. Even as their energy was siphoned away, when done so in lust with their mind active elsewhere, it felt euphoric. It was not so when she was working and fed on fear.

Still, his taste was everything she’d hoped for, and she sipped gently, taking only what she needed to abate her hunger and no more, knowing it would still leave him weak and a little lethargic.

She rested her hand against his cock, hard and throbbing in his jeans, and rubbed him gently through his pants. It wasn’t something she usually did, but he was so tasty he deserved a little something extra. “You going to come, baby?”

“Fuck…” he groaned.

Celine sipped slowly, squeezed him firmly, and felt him swell and erupt beneath her palm. She drank in his final explosion of energy which came with his release, revelling in the sweet ambrosia. “Oh, baby. You’re so good to me,” she moaned, feeling a hundred percent better.

While he panted and quaked against the counter, she slipped off the sink, tweaked his memory of her slightly, and walked to the door. “Thanks, baby. Don’t forget to clean yourself up,” she called as she checked for people in the hall. Finding no one, she turned the lock, peeked through and darted out to head back toward her table.

She smiled brightly as she slid in beside Bucky. “Dessert?”

Steve eyed her questioningly before leaning closer. “You look better. Have a little pick-me-up while you were back there?”

“A lady never tells,” she grinned, tapping the side of her nose.

“If you were hungry, Celine after what happened in the garage you could have told us.” Bucky’s eyes and voice were full of accusation. “We can’t help you if you don’t tell us the truth.”

Celine looked down at her hands. “I…” She bit her lip and shook her head. “I lost a great deal of strength when I was unable to ground against the pickup. I lost my connection to my chi.”

“You mean how it blew up like fireworks instead of how you pulled it back in during the demo?” Steve asked.

She arched a brow and gave a wry smile. “How observant of you.”

“It’s what I do.” Steve shrugged as he pulled out his wallet and tossed bills on the table.  “Let’s take a walk. I think you’ve got some explaining to do.”

As they stood to leave, she noticed the man she’d fed on saunter back out to his table. There was a goofy smirk on his face, and he flopped down beside his friends where he chugged most of a glass of water. Good. He’d be fine, likely boast about his prowess and the woman who’d jumped his bones in the bathroom.

She walked out quickly, not needing her two teammates to hear the sordid details of his apparent tryst. They were clearly highly intelligent and observant men. She’d need to be careful in the future.

“So,” Steve said, placing his hand on her back. “Explain this to us.”

Celine did her best to ignore the heat which washed over her with his touch. It stoked a flame to life, one fed by the hum of the sexual energy she’d absorbed. Wetness grew between her legs and dampened her underwear. She hadn’t even grown warm with the man in the bathroom, but Steve’s casual touch lit her on fire.

Then, Bucky’s fingers closed around her elbow.

The second point of contact nearly made her moan. Not good, not good. She’d never been so attracted to anyone as she was these two. These two soldiers, a step out of time, being the gentlemen they were raised to be, performing this intrinsic dance of touch and guide which wasn’t present in today’s society turned her on something fierce. If she didn’t get out from under their caress soon, she was going to do something highly inappropriate.

Gently removing her elbow from Bucky’s grasp, she stepped away from Steve and turned to face them. “You are both quite tactile.”

“Is that a problem, doll face?” Bucky asked.

They looked at her like hunting wolves. Like starving wolves, and she was a fat, juicy lamb. She wasn’t even trying, her appeal nearly non-existent, yet they looked like they could lick their lips at any moment.

Celine looked away. “Sometimes.”

“Hands to ourselves. Got it,” Steve said with a nod, motioning for her to continue down the sidewalk.

She flinched at the hurt in his aura. It hadn’t come through in his voice, but she could still feel it. With a sigh, she held out her hands, one to each. When they only raised a brow, appearing even more like brothers, she shook her hands impatiently. “Just give!”

Both large hands engulfed hers, and she jerked them into the alley.

“I will explain this only once and do not need an audience. Feeding heightens my senses. You two oversized soldiers radiate energy like the sun. Touching you afterward feels like this.” Channelling her chi into her hands, Celine gave them both a jolt. While it contained none of the desire she was suffering from and little of the sexual residue she’d fed on, it would feel like holding a live wire to someone unused to it.

“Fuck!” Bucky hissed, gloved hand landing on the wall beside him.

“Damn, Celine.” Steve’s hand tightened.

Celine yanked hers away and stepped swiftly backward. “At those times, it’s best you do not touch me.”

“Roger that,” they said together, looking a little shell-shocked.

She walked out of the alley with the two men to either side of her, close but no longer touching her. It was a relief and a disappointment. She liked the comfort of their touch. Physical touch was something sorely lacking in her repertoire.

Charles had always been casual about touching her hand or arm, but it wasn’t as if he was a hugger. Rogue couldn’t touch anyone without being completely covered, and Logan was so not touchy-feely.  The rest… preferred she didn’t try. But both Steve and Bucky had been very casual about the whole thing, touching her back or arm. Bucky had even touched her face.

“Celine?”

“Yeah, right.” She jerked her thoughts back to the present as they walked along the busy street and crossed at the light to walk through the streetlamp lit paths of Central Park where the pedestrians thinned out at this late hour. “I wasn’t able to ground my power earlier. Chi is life energy. It’s everywhere though I can only absorb it from other people. When my shield went up, I wasn’t fast enough to get it grounded, tied into the strength of the earth. The truck was a much bigger projectile than say a bullet. A flick of the wrist and I can stop a bullet with ease. Had I got my shield grounded, it would have been as solid as a wall. The truck would have stopped as if it had hit one. Instead, it was not quite complete, and it came through the shield and hit me.”

“You said you… lost your connection with your chi?”

She glanced at Bucky. “Yes. I redirect energy. So I pull it from within to use it out here,” she made a vague motion indicating the outer world, “then, draw it back inside. Because I was momentarily stunned I… let go… I guess would be the best explanation, of my energy. Like holding a tiger by the tail. You release it, it’s going to run away.”

“I see.”

Looking up at Steve, she smiled. He was nodding, a look of intrigue on his face.

“Once I came to, my body healed itself using my reserves. Had I managed to hold onto my chi, I would not have needed to feed, but…” She shrugged and trailed off.

“So you lied when you said you were fine in the garage.” Harsh eyes glared at her, and another accusation fell from Bucky’s lips.

Stopping, she looked between the two of them when they turned to glare at her. “Physically I was mostly fine.”

“What’s mostly mean?” Steve demanded.

“I had some bruises left.”

“And before you did your healing trick?” Bucky snarled softly.

Celine frowned. “That, Sergeant, is none of your business.”

“As Captain of this team it sure as shit is mine!” Steve barked.

“As the outcast of this team, I’m perfectly fine with keeping it to myself!” Celine shouted.

Both jerked like she’s slapped them. “Now wait one damn minute!”

“No, you wait!” she snapped, pointing at Bucky. “I have taken care of my own shit since I was five years old! I don’t need two overgrown nannies getting all up in my business. I got hurt, I healed, I fed. End of story.”

“We’re not trying to get up in anything,” Steve said. “We’re your teammates, we’d like to be your friends, but you’re sure not making this easy, doll.”

Stunned, Celine stepped back. “You… you don’t know me. You can’t… you can’t… I don’t have friends. Two substitute father figures and a sister, yes, but I don’t have friends. You can’t be my friends. I can’t have friends!”

Panic filled her, overwhelming and breath-stealing, and Celine ran into the dark night. Ran for the comfort of shadows and silence. Ran beneath the silver light of the moon she was named for. It’s beams coated her in cool light, seeming to try to appease the raging pain inside her.

Her nature changed with her brokenness, hair twisting into coils deepening into a black which rivalled the night sky. She ran until she reached the edge of a large lake, finally stopping at the water line. Barefoot, having lost her shoes in her mad flee, Celine walked into the water and let the cold soothe the fire in her blood.

Pain, anger, despair, all raged inside her. The past which haunted her became her present, forcing her to relive old, painful memories, and she lifted her hands, buried her fingers in her hair and wailed. Just screamed to the sky. The inhuman sound filled the air and rang through the silence. It was as beautiful and haunting as she was.

It killed her, her inability to be anything but alluring.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered, unable to hold back the tears any longer. “Why, Charles? Why me?” Falling to her knees, she plunged her hands into the water.

***

She was fast, they’d give her that, but she was also glowing like a candle between the trees.

He had no idea what he’d said to scare her, but Steve wasn’t about to let the woman go. In an instant, she’d gone from angry to perplexed to terrified. It killed him to know it was his words which had sent her fleeing like a deer.

Knowing they were approaching the lake, they split a few feet apart, determined to stop Celine from escaping down the shoreline. They were so well versed in the others moves, he and Bucky slowed at the same time without bothering to check with the other, walking silently from the trees as a very different looking Celine walked into the water.

Stunned, Steve could only stare in amazement.

Vision had said Styx was the name of a goddess from Greek mythology. He could see how Celine had acquired her name.

The lush, straight hair which usually fell down her back had become thick, black curls. They seemed to shimmer with sparkles of light. The night sky and stars above were reflected in those locks. Her skin had grown milk pale, the same silver as the moonlight. When her hands lifted, he noticed her nails were long and dark, as black as her hair. It was a startling contrast to the unpainted ones he’d remembered seeing at dinner. But it was hearing her scream, the sound a howl of a wounded creature, so hauntingly beautiful, like a wolf baying to the moon, which ripped open his heart.

Glancing at Bucky, he was certain his face reflected the same look of anguish and determination. Steve was quick to stride forward, managing to catch her whispered words. They broke his heart all over again. When Buck had said she was broken, he hadn’t really believed it. How could a woman who was so damn beautiful be broken? But he should have known. One wounded soul could always recognize another and looks mean little to what was buried on the inside.

Her collapse into the water sent him lurching forward. “Celine, baby, no.”

She looked up, and he fell into her eyes. “Wow…” Fully gold, they were what he imagined a goddess’s eyes would look like.

“Don’t!” She jerked her face away. “Don’t look at me!” Her cheeks were wet with tears.

Steve ignored the way she curled in on herself and lifted her up, half dragging, half carrying her from the water. Once on the shore, he cupped her face. “Why wouldn’t I look at you? You’re beautiful, Celine.”

“I know!” she wailed, the sound heartbreaking a second time. She jerked away only to run smack into Bucky.

He grabbed her by the elbows. “Easy, doll… face… whoa,” he murmured, stroking her hair back behind her ear.

“Please, don’t…” she begged, voice full of despair. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Why would you hurt us?” Steve asked, stepping closer, caging her between the two of them.

“It’s in my nature…” she whispered. “I hurt you, or you hurt me. It’s my curse. Like my face.”

Placing his hands on her waist, Steve leaned into her back. A shudder wracked her spine, and a whimper left her throat. “You’re not going to hurt us, Celine, and we would never hurt you. Ain’t that right, Buck?”

Bucky shook his head and lifted her arms up to wrap around his neck. “Never,” he agreed, leaning forward to press her further into Steve, holding the broken woman between them. “You don’t scare us, darlin’. You’re not big enough,” he chuckled softly.

“I could kill you both in an instant, and there is nothing you could do to stop me,” she whispered.

“Would you?” Steve asked, sliding a hand around her waist to hold her tighter.

“No.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Bucky asked.

She looked up, and Steve watched the awe wash over his best friend’s face. “That is the problem,” she whispered. Then, her bright candle glow went out.

Steve startled and stepped back, shocked at his forwardness. Bucky, too, looked stunned when she pulled away.

Celine’s smile was sad, her posture small and full of guilt. She was back to the beauty she’d been from the first, but the goddess who’d fallen to her knees in the lake was gone. “Thank you, for wanting to be my friend, but I… I can’t. It’s best if we are, simply, teammates. Forgive me my outburst. I promise to be much more professional come morning.”

“What… what just…?” Bucky scrubbed a hand over his mouth.

She wouldn’t look at them and twisted her fingers together. “It’s my nature.”

Steve couldn’t read auras, but he didn’t need to, to see the pain wash over Celine. “Celine.” She finally lifted her head, and his heart shattered. He’d never seen such brokenness, such absolute desolation in someone’s eyes before.

“I’m tired, Cap. Lost and filthy. Can we just forget this happened?” Her amber eyes pleaded for understanding.  

He would give it… for now. “Sure, Celine.” He reached for her, watched her recoil, and felt pain pierce what was left of his heart. “You’re gonna wreck your feet, doll. You want me to forget this, then let me help you.”

She bit her lip, eyes downcast again, but gave a slow nod.

Not giving her a chance to change her mind, Steve slung her up in his arms. The stiffness of her body hurt him as much as the earlier rejection. A glance at Bucky showed he appeared just as devastated. “We’re gonna go in the back way.” He doubted she’d be impressed if anyone else saw her like this.

“Thank you,” she whispered, relaxing enough to rest her head on his shoulder.

He closed his eyes for a brief moment, more pain ripping into his heart, and breathed in the scent of her hair. She smelled like exotic spices. With a silent sigh, he nodded to Bucky and headed for the tower.

***

Celine sat on the floor of her shower and let the water run over her. She'd nearly done it again.

Friends…

She couldn't have friends. Friends turned on each other. Friends stabbed each other in the back. Friends eventually became enemies. In the end, enemies tried to kill you.

She hugged her knees and fought desperately against the memories trying to surface. Ones of laughter and camaraderie. Of happiness. Of first stolen kisses and fleeting touches. Of betrayal. Of accusations, anger, and pain. She couldn't let them surface. They were her past. This was her future. The two could not mingle. She couldn't, wouldn’t let history repeat itself. She'd caused too much pain the first time.

“Celine…”

The voice whispered in her mind. “Go away, Charles. You and I aren't currently speaking.”

“Went that well did it, darling?”

“You're a right git!”

“Celine, language,” he chastised gently.

“Why am I here, Charles? The truth! They don't want me, and I sure as shit don't belong.”

“You have spent too much time with Logan.”

“Charles, no games.”  She was too tired for games.

A soft sigh fluttered in her brain. “There are things you must learn. The Avengers can teach them to you.”

“What things!?”

“If I told you that, how would you ever learn them for yourself?”

“That's a game, Professor!” she snapped.

“You cannot tell me they all don't want you?”

She cringed. “Yes, all. After tonight… all.” Steve and Bucky hadn't said a word, just deposited her before her door and walked away.

“Celine? Show me!” he demanded.

“Why should I?” She sounded like the petulant, pouting teenager she’d once been and knew it.

“Celine Ena!”

“Fine! You're so damn pushy!” She gave a heavy sigh and showed him her shame. His silence had her cringing.

“Ghealach beag,” he said quietly.

Love and comfort filled her mind. “Charles…” She sobbed into her hands. He hadn't called her little moon in years.

“You are too hard on yourself, Celine. The mistakes of your past are not ones you will make now. You know better. You're stronger.”

“I almost…” She shook her head, voice choked.

“No, you did not. You simply became Styx before them.”

“And they fell! I don't want to hurt them. Charles!” The cry was all despair and desperation.

“Give the Captain and the Sergeant more credit, Celine. They are not boys.”

“I won't take the chance! If I turned them against each other…”

“Celine,” he sighed.

Celine scrubbed at her face. “No. No, I'll do the job, Charles. I'll work with them, be part of the team, but I won't be more than that. I can't!” she cried, getting to her feet and turning off the water.

“Enfant obstiné,” he muttered.

“First the Gaelic and now French? You really are miffed at me.” And she wasn't a stubborn child.

“Yes, you are. Do not block them out, Celine.” His presence faded with the final warning.

“What do you know?” she huffed, both in indignation and frustration. He wasn't telling her something, clearly, but until Charles chose to speak, she would know nothing.

“Learn from the Avengers…” She almost snorted before catching sight of herself in the mirror. Her colour was off. “Fuck!” she hissed vehemently, reached for her reserves and sighed when she touched them.

She wasn't hungry yet, but she wasn't as replete as she had been after her snack at the pizza place. Another waste of energy, all that grief at the lake. This was why she preferred to be alone. Other people disconcerted her too much. Other people required effort and feelings.

She was out of her element. Floundering. If she didn't get it together and soon, this was all going to go up in flames around her.

Wrapping her hair in a towel, she went to get ready for bed, determined to block all the Avengers from her mind. Once she disconnected from them, she would be able to breathe.

***

Bucky sat brooding on the couch in Steve's room nursing a glass of whiskey which would do very little to him. It was a habit more than anything, but the fiery burn down his throat was a reminder of his past life. Drinking was not something HYDRA had allowed him, so he did it now as a symbolic fuck you.

Steve was sitting across from him, nursing his own glass, and brooding just as deeply.

“What the fuck just happened?” Bucky finally asked, unable to remain silent any longer.

“I don't know.” Steve sighed and rubbed at his forehead. “I scared her bad, Buck.”

“Don't think it was you, Steve, so much as something you touched on by accident.” He downed the rest of his glass, hissing at the burn in his throat. “She doesn't have friends. Maybe she did once. Maybe it went bad. Real bad if that's her reaction.”

“She didn't want us to look at her, either. For all Nat's talk about Styx, what I saw tonight was a woman who feared what she was.” Steve downed his own glass. “Maybe even hated it. When she was mad earlier, she'd said, I am a person, no matter how much my mutation has taken from me.”

Bucky grunted. “What the fuck happened in her past? Who the hell hurt her so badly?”

“I don't know, Buck. I don't know.”

“Taking care of my own shit since I was five years old.” He rested his elbows on his knees and bent over them. “Five, Jesus!” He couldn't even imagine what kind of life she'd had.

“It's my curse, like my face. What the hell is she that she’s so damn scared of herself? What is it she thinks she'll do?” Steve wondered.

As if on cue his phone rang. He frowned at the secure line but picked it up. “Rogers.”

“Captain.”

“Professor.” His eyes snapped to Bucky's as both of them sat up straight.

“I was hoping to speak with you for a moment about Celine.”

Wary, Steve said, “Alright.”

“I do hope she hasn't caused a commotion. She can be a bit… high strung.”

Steve felt himself bristle at the insinuation. “She's been nothing but professional,” he snapped.

“Excellent.” A sound of amusement filled Charles’ voice. “Her power is quite impressive. It tends to scare people.”

“Celine doesn't scare us.” Again he found the professor's words upsetting. Was this the kind of put down negative thinking she was subject to? Coming from someone, she'd labelled her surrogate father?

“Are you certain, Captain? I could always call her home. Replace her with another X-Men more … suitable?”

“Celine suits us fine. We want her as part of the Avengers. End of story.”

A chuckle was heard on the other end of the line. “Very well, Captain. Good night.”

He hung up, and Steve had the overwhelming desire to chuck his phone at the wall. But then, Maria would give him shit for breaking another one. “Fuck!” he swore instead, earning a raised brow from Bucky.

“This is some screwed up. I don't give a flyin’ fart what she said. I'm going to find a way through, Stevie. She needs friends.”

“She needs a real family.” Steve agreed. “We've got to stop looking at her like she's the enemy.”

“Starting tomorrow, we chip away at that wall of hers,” Bucky stated, getting to his feet.

“Yeah. I'm with you, pal.”

“Till the end of the line, punk,” Bucky said, heading for his own rooms.

Next Chapter

[notconsolation]

those tips are so interesting to read!! would you care to make a similar list about what to eat/how to manage food resources while being on a trip? or advice about camping alone in general? thanks!

HAPPILY this is one of those subjects that makes me really happy because I am 100% a nature witch

this is a great way for to procrastinate thank you thank you. (warning: it’s long)

disclaimer: I don’t really know what I’m doing any more than the next person, so I can’t really recommend doing things, I can just tell you about my experiences. Here’s what i got (SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOOOT)

Food:

er how can I say this….. I don’t have the healthiest relationship with food so I cannot emphasize enough how uncomfortable I would be if anyone were to take my eating patterns as guidelines for anything. Having said that, I am most at peace with food and my eating habits when I travel. But suffice it to say that it’s probably not quite enough calorically and I personally think that’s fine because it’s not my constant state of living but…… anyway.

-I’ll go about a week between stops in towns sometimes. When I say that I just mean sort of passing through one on my route and checking if they have a market/supermarket. Sometimes it’s less than that but generally if I’m in a town I’ll get a bunch of beef jerky (might have to alter this this summer when I’m in bear country but I’ll still look into that) - say five packets for a week. I might also get some energy/protein bars but these are not my faves tbh and also the wrappers take up space in pockets. Other than that I might get a bag of carrots or some sunflower seeds. Sunflower seeds are good for magnesium, which helps prevent cramps, so that’s a plus when you’re walking all day and don’t want foot cramps that hurt like a bitch. I like carrots. Honestly, though, I prefer finding food in the forest to taking it with me. 

-It depends when and where you’re travelling obviously, but if you familiarize yourself with edible wild plants before you go somewhere that’s a useful bit of knowledge to have. I personally don’t eat something unless I’m sure it is what I think it is. That means that I end up having a lot of blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, mirabelles, plums, apples, wild garlic, dandelion, clover, wild sorrel, chickweed, purslane, gooseberries and beechnuts because they’re hard to mistake for other things. There are also things that are technically edible but I wouldn’t really recommend like birch bark and rosehip berries. I just dont like them much. 

-Oh, also: corn. So I realise this is not technically a morally great thing because it’s sort of like stealing? but if I’m walking past a field of corn I’ll usually take a cob and shave off the kernels into a container and then munch on them as I go. Fibrous and gets your digestion going and honestly raw corn is really tasty. Wash it first, if you can, and always check for bugs in your food. 

-I also prefer to stock up on water when I’m near civilization or at a spring, just cause ya can get some nasty ass infections from nasty water and that can suck when you’re alone in the middle of nowhere. I got a very mild stomach bug last year and that wasn’t nice. I do carry water purification tablets, though, and some charcoal in case I really really really need to make a makeshift water filter. But I try to have at least 4 litres on me whenever I leave a town. Forest springs are great, and quite often well signposted if they’re reasonably near civilzation because people jog up there and stuff. My grandpa used to do that.

- Pine tea. I like it. Boil pine needles in water. Tea. Piney. I like it. You may not.

Advice on isolation without loneliness:

The main thing people ask if I’m talking about this stuff is whether I get lonely without talking to someone for 2 weeks at a time. Honestly I think the answer to that depends party on who you are. I am a solitary person in the first place so my answer might be different to yours. My answer is just straight up no. I don’t get lonely. I sing to myself on the road. I talk to myself sometimes, but just sort of in a thinking aloud way. I find the whole process incredibly therapeutic and it allows me to work through so much shit because when you’re on your own there’s no one around to hold you to their standards, so you have to learn to be okay with yourself. Literally looking for food, water and shelter every day is a good way for me to indirectly express my will to fight to stay alive. Or actually. I mean it’s pretty direct. You have to actively Survive rather than just passively Exist. I find that to be the best environment for working through shit and confronting yourself with issues because who are you gonna distract yourself with or hide behind if you don’t want to talk about it? I do have a couple of tips though:

- take books. Ones you know and ones you don’t. Ones you know give you comfort, ones you don’t engage you. Pick up books at flea markets and from old bookshops when you pass through towns and cities. I actually also set aside a certain amount of battery on my phone every day for reading stories I’ve downloaded and I think that actually also helps tether me to society a bit and not get lonely, because it’s this implicit inclusion in a community (ao3) of like-minded creative people. I didn’t have tumblr then but I can say for sure I’m gonna miss the hell out of you guys in July

- MY MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE: write. I filled a tiny journal with tiny writing last summer and it was the best part of everything. Not so much because i can look back at what I did but because it gave my thoughts and days and actions coherence and I could sit down and think something out on paper with myself and make discoveries about my thoughts and feeling and just……. you learn a lot about yourself when you start writing your thoughts down.

- Sing. Sing out loud all the goddamn time if you’re like me.

General advice:

This is just some info that’s good to have? I think?

-periods: sonofabitch. Fucking. Periods suck, and when you’re travelling solo for over a month you’re gonna have them (maybe. this is for those who have them) and you’re gonna have to be prepared for them. Tampons are the way forward in my opinion but *tmi* my periods are so heavy that they bleed through a maxi tampon and a maxi pad during the night sometimes so I have no choice. But also if you get mauled or something I guess pads are good for blood absorption so they’re a good thing to have anyway. Tampons are also good for blood absorption (WHO’DA THUNK IT) and also make good kindling. I’m gonna talk more about kindling later, though. The good news: periods can be less heavy when you’re active all day.

- pine resin/sap: useful stuff. You can theoretically eat it if you’re really desperate for something cause it’s v high-energy but absolutely disgusting and in general it’s best for a couple things: if it’s liquid and fresh you can use it to hold together cuts and wounds (natural antibacterial properties and all that plus it’s sticky and literally holds skin together). if it’s hardened you can still melt it down or dissolve it in warm water - at which point you can use it as a gargle that’s good for upset stomachs and throat problems (and colds i think?). If it’s dry it also catches a spark really easily. It also apparently repels mosquitos, but I’m skeptical about that one.

-kindling/fire: so there’s a long list of materials that can be used as kindling which might be really useful to you, but I’m gonna level with you and say that I don’t really make fires when I camp out for a couple of reasons: 1. A lot of the time I’m in national parks where that’s not allowed and also where I am not sure I’m technically allowed to camp, so best not to draw attention to myself by making a fire and 2. I’m just not that great at it. Like, I’m just not very good.

-brushing teeth: I use biodegradable toothpaste concentrate and just spit it out. not that great, yep. I have yet to figure out a better system.

-washing: imma level with you - I don’t stay terribly clean. A lot of campsites have showers you can use if you pay for them, but there aren’t always campsites around. Wash in lakes and learn to live with the fact that you’re not gonna smell great. If i walk past some lavender I take it and I stuff it in my sports bra and in my bag. Same with mint or thyme or rosemary - anything with a strong, pleasant smell. Wash your face in the bathroom sink at the train stations. Look up at your reflection and be taken aback cause you haven’t actually seen yourself for a while and you realise that you’re a little more tanned and that makeup is totally unnecessary a lot of the time.

[velteris]

I've been following you for a really long time and this is the first time I've ever wanted to ask you a question. But why would you go camping alone without any light? That's just a really dumb thing to do...

(in ref to my tags here im pretty sure)

gather round, dear followers, for a series of anecdotes from Hell Camp, the source of my best and worst stories

when i was twelve my school sent all its year nine students class by class to a five-week camp, which will henceforth be called Hell Camp. here is the setup:

a four-hour drive out of the city into the outback, where there is a farm owned by the school for the express purpose of hosting Hell Camp

28 girls and 28 boys, each in their own dorm houses

no phones. no computers, no ipods, no TV. no internet (within our reach). we cooked our own food on fire stoves and wrote letters by hand to our parents and friends

no lollies, no soft drinks or juice, all our eggs and milk came off the farm

wake up at 5:30am every day to go for a 3km run and then chores on the farm, from milking the cows to chopping our firewood

Bible study every night because this was a Christian private school

“why???” u may ask. “why did your school subject tweens to a month of this???” supposedly to build character and teach u life skills but tbh idk how knowing how to crack a bullwhip is supposed to help me in life

but it wasnt just five weeks straight of same ol farm life there were other activities they had us do!! camp-like activities!! for example:

Pre-Survival

three days to prepare us because we were innocent younglings who barely knew how to start a fire

basically a campsite in the middle of fuckass nowhere? we rode horses there while the counselors (the Hell Camp resident teachers, but ones that deadlift 50kgs and kill spiders without batting an eye) drove with our bags and stuff and laughed as we got inevitably lost

have u ever used a dunny u have to empty urself

it is so gross. there is a field marked out explicitly for burying everyone’s shit, and u have to take turns. so gross. 

there was a shower which was a metal shed with a bucket of water hung up, which u heated over the fire before u went in and prayed it wasn’t too hot

this was like winter time and we slept in swags on the ground and when we woke up there was frost on our swags

i made an iron horseshoe??? the temptation to touch red hot metal is ridiculous tbh it looks so pretty

someone did touch theirs. it was not me. i heard them yell from across the field where i was helping feed horses.

in the middle of the second night the counselors took us to a giant rock in the middle of the bush where u could see the stars and it was amazing you could see the milky way and everything… but the thing was we had to spend the previous 20 minutes in the dark to get our eyes used to it so they had us hold onto each other’s sleeves and walk blindly into this rugged, rock-covered trail through pitch blackness, praying no one in front is going the wrong way

and then. the counselors played a trick on us by getting one of the kids to stay back in the forest and waited to see how long we’d notice. we didn’t notice until it was time to go back im so sorry Kimmy

Survival

ok this the real shit you went with the same group you were with in pre-survival and the counselors drove you out into the depths of the outback and dropped you and your group off with some tools, food, and tarpauline

and then u just lived out there for three days.

we couldn’t start a fire our first night because it’d been raining before??? our dinner was supposed to be rice, potatoes and carrots, and the carrots were the only edible thing bc u cant eat raw rice and raw potatoes.. u just cant.

there were wild dogs around. we never saw them, but we heard them awoo-ing a lot. so whenever someone split off from the main camp to go pee like two other girls would accompany them as an honor guard, singing Kumbaya to keep the hounds away

sometimes people would go alone and then there would be a Sound in the bush and then you’d just hear them screaming “MAMA’S MAKING KAN TONG”

on our last day the counselors set up targets with drawings of kangaroos on them, handed us a bow and 20 arrows, and said “if u can shoot the kangaroo we’ll give u sausages for your last meal”

never in my life will i ever see such ferocity from 12- to 13-year-old hungry girls again

when it was another group’s turn to be on survival, my group was on normal farm duty, and we were out clearing bush scrub when we heard the survival group girls talking and we realised we’d gotten too close.

“hello?? hello??? is anyone out there?” “oh my god someone’s out there oh my god we’re gonna die” “COME OUT, WE HAVE WEAPONS”

THIS WAS A LIE. WE KNEW DAMN WELL THEY HAD THE SAME THINGS AS US AND THOSE THINGS WERE TWO SHOVELS AND A HEAVY DUTY CLIPPER.

and our fucking counselor just went “shhh!!” to us and herded us back like he just straight up left those nine girls thinking there were bush serial killers out for them

also apparently a tree fell on someone’s head at some point in their survival

at night we slept in a row like snuggling each other cause it was So Fracking Cold and lemme tell u it’s an experience being spooned by the girl who used to sigh whenever you raised your hand in class

Four Day Hike

what it says on the label

55km in four days, carrying all your food, sleeping bags, tents, clothes, toilet paper etc. and minimum 2L of water bottles you could refill at big barrels set out at designated stop points

this is, without a doubt, the single worst experience of my life

nothing good happens when u hand a group of kids a map and a compass and tell them “we’ll look for you if you’re not at the campsite by sundown but apart from that you’re on your own”

i was with an athletic group of kids?? they were Walking So Fast and i was just staggering along with my unfit friend like this is how i die on a godforsaken hill on our way to god knows where

actually i had an asthma attack and they left me behind for a bit fun times

the hike went through some willing farmers’ land and one boy who stupidly climbed a fence got chased by a bull

they sent us off group by group so we’d all make our own way, so whenever u bumped into another group you were like. okay one of us was going the wrong way and it better fucking well be you

there weren’t any showers or anything so we basically all wore the same clothes for four disgustingly sweaty days of hiking

someone used an anthill as a toilet bc it had a nice big hole to drop ur toilet paper down

the ants did not appreciate this

when you run out of toilet paper and it’s only 11am

Solo

this was it. the culmination of the camp. the ultimate character building experience.

which was just 24 hours of alternating boredom and sudden visceral terror now that i think about it

u got dropped off (again in the middle of nowhere see a theme yet) with tarp, a lil trowel, and a clipper, and u just set up camp and did whatever u wanted for 24 hours

they let u bring a bible.

i got really into Leviticus and Deutoronomy before it went dark

listen it was really really boring ok

AND HERE IT IS THE BIT WHERE I DIDN’T HAVE LIGHT WHILE CAMPING ALONE

listen when the sun goes down at 5pm, u go down too. there’s nothing else u can do?? u just gotta sleep???

or, like me, lie awake in mortal terror listening to the bush Come Alive

when the wallaby goes THUMP-THUMP-THUMP and you’re like holy shit this is it the abominable loch ness chupycabra has manifested in the australian outback and it’s going to eat me alive jesus christ protect me with the power of this bible

hence the sheer relief when the sun finally comes out and u can walk around without living in fear of accidentally walking face first into a spiderweb or scratchy lantana bushes

also a mini survey went around afterwards and i’m pretty sure a solid 60% of the girls took a shit on solo like… at long last u can take as long in the toilet as u want… without the other 27 girls banging on the door……

other miscellaneous stories that dont fit anywhere else:

one of the boys went missing?? he wandered off and couldn’t remember anything when they found him in the middle of the bush. cryptic

there was this one homesick girl who was REALLY homesick like she cried every day of the five weeks. by the end of the camp she’d approached everyone to talk about her Feelings and you’d just kind of groan softly when u saw her coming towards your bunk bc u knew u were in for a hopeless comforting session

on sundays sometimes we went to the nearby town’s elderly home to talk to the old folks and some of us could play music so we did little performances for them which was rly sweet!

there were lambs on the farm!! we named them Uggboot and i think Fleece Jacket or smth like that

there were cows too!! meat cows!! they were Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

my first time on cow milking duty i tried to herd the bull towards the milking pens bc i did not realise he was not a cow. i quickly realised when he took very fast steps towards me and i Got The Dodge Out Of There

we spit roasted an entire pig for the final feast before we left and i will never forget it. the first time in my life i had crackling. half the group was weak in the knees cause we saw the pig get slaughtered and the other half was just “sweet, more for me”

whenever the new fruit delivery came in and the hunger games commenced in the kitchen… tween girls are actually ravenous wolves u heard it here first folks

when u going to the bathroom in the bush and u feel something touch your butt… is it a stray hair? is it a piece of grass? is it a bug??? who knows but nothing makes your bowels loosen faster

the unholy horror of finding spiders wherever you least expect it

ANTS IN THE SUGAR

“I saw Goody Proctor with the devil leaving the cupboard open for the ants!!!”

honestly so many things happened at Hell Camp that i can’t remember most of them anymore and it Rankles Me bc i know there were so many wild stories but here you go. some of the wildest ones.

11/10 went back to Hell Camp voluntarily once, would go back again again.