#i dont like to call myself pathetic but im so mad at myself rn for getting upset over pointless shit

[crow-rai]

i am so upset rn. why does my mother have to do this. i can't take it. i hate this sm. i just wanna leave. and i cant. i cant even interact with people irl. i am so emotionally upset. idk what to do. and i cant leave. like yeah its your house and youre paying for me to exist, but i am doing everything i can to leave. you dont have any idea how upset i am that i am literally stuck here. with no way out. like sorrrry i can't take care of myself and im so damn pathetic. like yk i was just super upset about what happened and we get home and you tell me to do a bunch of stuff, i do it,, and you get mad at me. i dont understand. sorry i need time to myself to process and just exist after what happened. at this point, sorry i fucking exist. i didnt ask to be this way, yet you call me lazy and get annoyed and mad at me for literally everything i do and dont do. you always find something wrong with what i did

[ksjknj]

.

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: how much you got on you rn Ronnie: enough for me Ronnie: you aint piggybacking Joe: enough for me then Joe: not suggesting you send it first class Joe: 'less you know how to do that Ronnie: I do but in what world mckenna Joe: however much you reckon you'd need to do it Joe: i'll double it Ronnie: use that ingenuity for your own score Joe: yeah whatever Joe: all chat Ronnie: like ive got anything to prove to you Ronnie: least of all how well i can be your bitch when you holler at me Ronnie: cry is more accurate Joe: fuck sake Joe: forget about it Joe: it's a stupid idea Joe: you gonna give me a better one Ronnie: not one for the scrapbook was it cunt Ronnie: dry your eyes & do your own running Ronnie: you need me to hold your hand everytime now Ronnie: big enough to take it go find it Joe: ha ha Joe: like I'm running anywhere Ronnie: this where we play doctor yeah Ronnie: you tell me how bad it hurts & I make it better for you Joe: exactly Joe: now we're on the same page Ronnie: nah you think you can tear out some pages & spit ball em at me to get my attention but why should I give a shit bout these playground games boy just 'cause you heading back home to your mammy Ronnie: im sound Ronnie: dont care how loud you're crying she's the one who's gotta show up for that Joe: i don't want yor attention Joe: i want some heroin Ronnie: maybe she's still got old school connections Ronnie: find her little black book son Joe: maybe Joe: one of you could be useful like Ronnie: wounded & bleeding Ronnie: shit junkie you are house full of people to shake up & shit to steal but you coming to me Joe: just looking for that big sisterly advice Joe: obviously Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: you sound like the littlest one what is he 4 like Joe: feel it Ronnie: trying to make my heart bleed now yeah Ronnie: grow a fucking pair before it really hurts Joe: if you wanted to scare me you shouldn't have given me the gear Joe: realistically too late anyway but who wants to hear or think about my idyllic childhood yeah Ronnie: if you couldnt hack it you shouldve cried off then Ronnie: save the tears now Joe: and i thought i was the only one with obsessive thought spirals Joe: when i get some i'll remember to feel good about how much you miss me Ronnie: like youre special baby Ronnie: please Ronnie: weve all got mad minds hows that not clicked in yours Ronnie: how many kids shes squeezed out & you reckon were the only self medicating Ronnie: hit up another sibling to fix you Joe: am though Joe: she's always told me Joe: ⭐ boy Ronnie: talk her up with that foreplay Ronnie: be good for £££s Joe: no tah Joe: not my type Joe: and it's only ever worked on you Joe: but you've given me another idea so cheers Ronnie: i dunno whats funnier that youre trying to tell me you dont wanna slip your mum one or you reckon you know what works on me Joe: lemme know when you work it out Joe: 👍 Ronnie: let me know when youve stopped playing happy families Joe: you reckon i wanna be here Ronnie: didnt see no fingernail marks on my floor or walls Ronnie: still reckon you were dragged though yeah Joe: check your thighs Joe: ain't all perks being the favourite 💔 Ronnie: [sends him pics cos that bitch haha] Ronnie: grow a pair whipping boy Ronnie: before she says jump youre on the ledge Ronnie: its pathetic mckenna Joe: see Joe: ain't been that long Joe: only feels it, babe Ronnie: you'll need all that sweet talk for the local dope dealer Ronnie: but if you wanna think of me when you're turning tricks for them it'll go easier Joe: lovely as that'd be Joe: not in progressive london now Joe: gonna have to pay like the rest, worst luck Ronnie: go beg for your pocket money then kidda Ronnie: before she picks a new fave Ronnie: younger & prettier like Joe: nah Joe: we want her to Joe: remember Joe: then me and more importantly my student loans can come back Ronnie: bullshit if you wanted her to you wouldn't have gone Ronnie: you love it Joe: can't just go way uni and never come back Joe: send out a search party Ronnie: use your ⭐ as a beacon cant they Joe: let's hope not Joe: i come here Joe: keeps 'em away rest of the time Joe: yeah Ronnie: if you want em to fuck off commit to it Ronnie: stop being such a pussy Joe: ain't that easy Ronnie: find a ditch to lie down in Ronnie: it ain't hard Ronnie: youre a junkie motherfuckers don't support that Joe: far as they know Joe: i ain't Joe: let 'em catch up Ronnie: do it yourself if you wanna slam the door Joe: see how this goes Joe: not really thinking about them right now Joe: you know Ronnie: youre on one about that lot constantly Joe: just on one constantly full stop Joe: why else would i need the shit Ronnie: dont need to go that hard playing doctor baby Joe: 💘 Joe: you always know just what to say Ronnie: not used to you talking Joe: i know i know Joe: in an ideal world neither of us would be here Ronnie: like not born yeah Ronnie: but she cant keep her legs closed Joe: such a dreamer, you Ronnie: not the one who cant get high without their hand held Joe: n'awh Joe: that's the dream Joe: so romantic too Ronnie: yeah im living it loads of gear close & you far as Ronnie: greedy prick Joe: miss you too baby Joe: in a bit tho, gotta go pick up Ronnie: fuck off soft lad Ronnie: you miss me spoon feeding you Ronnie: you cant talk to me with a dealers cock in your mouth I know Ronnie: multitasking hard enough pretending not to be junkie scum yeah Joe: sure the whole mummy kink ain't your thing Joe: i'll try and get involved but kinda a mood killer Joe: which is kinda rude, know you don't want me to score Ronnie: thats all yours but I'll try anything once Ronnie: 'cause a whinging dope sick baby is really a turn on for me like Ronnie: just gotta keep that going Joe: no judgment here Joe: gotta do what you gotta do Ronnie: you gotta Ronnie: im sound Joe: and i'm happy for you Ronnie: lie to them don't lie to me Joe: alright Joe: will be a bit when I get mine but still Joe: you don't have to be here so Ronnie: you dont Ronnie: grow up & cut the fucking apron strings Joe: you've stopped being helpful for the day? Joe: right then Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: not flying over to fuck you cos your ma aint in the mood & thats as helpful as it gets Joe: why not Ronnie: youve got another sister Ronnie: see if shes into it Joe: but you're so special yeah Ronnie: but shes a good grooming age Joe: leave it out Ronnie: or what Joe: or what Ronnie: asked you first joseph Joe: alright veronica Ronnie: alright weak cunt Joe: probably Ronnie: pick up before you make me sick Ronnie: jesus Joe: waiting on the man Joe: as per Ronnie: if id known rattling had made you shit out your whole spine id have sucked his dick for you & sped things along Joe: so sweet Joe: one of the many things I like about you Ronnie: list just gets longer the longer youre away yeah Ronnie: dont come back & maybe you'll fall in love Joe: i know you want that less than you want me back Joe: don't lie Ronnie: you care what I want now Ronnie: 💘 Joe: only when it benefits me too, darling Joe: junkie scum 101 Joe: was on my timetable like Ronnie: theyve really done a number on you if youre on your knees for my truth Joe: who Joe: mummy dearest or my school Ronnie: take your pick Joe: ain't tryna hide it Joe: just doing my bit to be the whiny baby you want rn Ronnie: cheers then Ronnie: nailed that Ronnie: tell your ma i finally get how she feels 'cause its too late to get you scraped out Joe: 😂 Joe: on it Joe: assuming i ain't 'bout to get kneecapped Joe: or worse Joe: stood up 💔 Ronnie: i'll cross my fingers for raped & robbed Ronnie: standard Joe: you know i ain't gonna have that much of a good time without you 💘 Ronnie: stop trying to make me say I hate you so you can rub one out Ronnie: i dont do sexting Joe: worth a shot Joe: just killing time here Joe: trying not to puke Ronnie: hot Joe: mhmm Joe: like that attempt at enthusiasm Ronnie: you really know how to make a girl wet what can I say Ronnie: gotta romance my dealer out of want instead of need now Joe: thought I'd return the favour Joe: just how I roll Ronnie: course you do golden boy Joe: you ain't that mad about it Joe: i know Ronnie: i aint as fucking thick as you so again course Joe: true Joe: [time for drew to show and not deliver] Ronnie: made up about all these compliments Ronnie: who knew you could be this much on my tits from this distance Joe: just that good Joe: obviously Ronnie: you aint shit Ronnie: don't lie Joe: whatever Joe: can't touch me now Ronnie: only your ma is turned on at the sight of you Ronnie: but she will Joe: alright Joe: cba rn Ronnie: how are you still crying Ronnie: did he not show Joe: he did Joe: but he was about 12 and had no gear Joe: got enough tranqs to knock out an elephant but still Ronnie: when i told you to hit up your siblings i meant the freckled one not one of the toddlers Joe: yeah right Joe: like he knows a great smack dealer, even if we did talk Ronnie: hes a coke head Ronnie: give him 5 Joe: nah Joe: opposite direction Joe: only way is up Ronnie: whatever just get on a plane Joe: yeah Joe: i'm gonna Joe: fuck this Ronnie: ill be waiting with shit that aint a fucking joke Ronnie: you can owe me Joe: yeah? Joe: good Ronnie: don't talk me out of it Ronnie: christ you're annoying Joe: 🤐 Ronnie: only want you back on your feet so I can kick em out from under you myself Joe: hot Ronnie: like you said, it ain't been that long Ronnie: you know I am Joe: yeah Joe: where was this distraction when I really really needed it tho Ronnie: baby when have I ever been good for you Ronnie: selfish to my core Ronnie: we're here for me Joe: works for me Ronnie: just get to the airport & stop fannying about Joe: I've already taken 'em so hold on Joe: no packing now never mind going through customs Ronnie: fuck's sake Joe: i had to Ronnie: when then Joe: still today Joe: just later Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: call me Ronnie: maybe i'll answer if it ain't too late Joe: can i call you now too Joe: i gotta stay awake Ronnie: I'm good but no guarantees I'm that good Joe: they ain't kicked in that good yet either Joe: just keep my eyes on the road yeah Ronnie: how much did you pay for baby aspirin mckenna Joe: was cheap as fuck at least Joe: just a kid Joe: barely broke a 50 for all of these so Joe: [photo] Ronnie: not as green as you feel yeah Joe: want me to bring some back Ronnie: too late to rob the boy now Ronnie: & you'll take em yourself before you see me I know you Joe: yeah Joe: i will Joe: but had good intentions, babe Ronnie: take em to church Ronnie: what use is that shit to me Ronnie: gimme bad ideas or don't come around Joe: got plenty of those come on Ronnie: like what Ronnie: come on Joe: what Joe: tryna focus here Ronnie: you wanna stay awake Ronnie: play the game Joe: alright Joe: yeah Joe: you gonna come back to mine Joe: flatmate's gone home Ronnie: are you gonna make it worth it if she's not there to kick in the teeth Joe: won't need to miss her once I'm back Ronnie: fucked her yet? Ronnie: we could do it together Ronnie: I dont normally slip one to virgins but I already made the exception for you Joe: no and funny Joe: keep me as the only exception Joe: how else will i feel special Ronnie: keep hitting up preteen dealers that'll help Joe: he was pretty Ronnie: if im ever in the area like Joe: i wish Ronnie: you & your ma both Ronnie: my turn to feel special Joe: weird ain't it Ronnie: for me Ronnie: you love it Joe: nah Ronnie: not a question Ronnie: you do Joe: don't Ronnie: liar Joe: maybe from you Joe: I'll allow it Ronnie: those pills better be kicking in Ronnie: if youre chatting this much shit sober you can stay in ireland Joe: 😂 Joe: they are Ronnie: book a flight Ronnie: i ain't your ma im not doing it Joe: lemme get home, like Joe: be more obvious you're tryna kill me Ronnie: what im trying to do Ronnie: you gonna call that your home now Joe: you know what i mean Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: i know youre full of shit, mckenna Joe: nah Joe: just bars Joe: make it up to you Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: x it as many times as fits Joe: k Joe: prove it when i see you Ronnie: you reckon Joe: not a question Ronnie: nah just bold claims for someone who still fucks like a virgin & has to check in with his ma Ronnie: can you without her permission Joe: get the slip signed if you're so worried Joe: chill out Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: couple of chewable vitamins & you're chill yeah Joe: you said you got loads Ronnie: I said enough Ronnie: & that was before babysitting you Ronnie: you make me need to spike every vein Joe: need Joe: want Joe: same diff we both know it Ronnie: not trying to make it matter baby Ronnie: put any words in my mouth you want Ronnie: or need Joe: here Joe: wish me luck on telling 'em i'm off Joe: or don't Ronnie: i'll do it for you Ronnie: point me at the relevant mckennas Joe: even stoned Joe: know that ain't a good idea Ronnie: pussy Joe: love u 2 Ronnie: 💋 Joe: [suitable amount of hours for the shit to wear off to a manageable level, avoid the parents and get out on the sly] Joe: [airport photo] Joe: tada Ronnie: we reckoned you'd bottled it Joe: taken a poll like Ronnie: yeah know you like to feel special Joe: warms my cold dead 💘 Joe: honest Ronnie: walk your corpse to me then Joe: and she says she don't sext Ronnie: you wanna be the only exception so bad or what Joe: you know how bad i want it Ronnie: dont leave again & maybe I'll buy it Joe: being dopesick was almost a nice distraction from thinking about you Ronnie: that warms my 🖤 Joe: thought so Joe: nothing does it quite like me being near-death yeah Ronnie: i do like you pathetic Ronnie: but don't think that any of it comes close to me yeah Joe: you saying you're better than heroin Ronnie: im saying you think you were hurting earlier Ronnie: ill show you pain Ronnie: all you have to do is fuck off again Joe: i won't Joe: i need to be there Joe: with you Ronnie: leave me & I will fucking break you Ronnie: i mean it Joe: i know Joe: i'm not gonna Ronnie: how did you get out Joe: parents weren't in but i said a uni friend was in a car accident and they couldn't get hold of his parents Joe: going hell anyway Joe: and someone on my course was hit by a car so if any of them are that concerned to go snooping Ronnie: thats beautiful Ronnie: you're not as much of a useless waster as youve sounded for most of the day like Joe: steady Joe: was almost not an insult Ronnie: who isn't turned on by a good lie Joe: only when I lie to you Joe: got it Ronnie: don't you fucking dare lie to me Joe: couldn't if i wanted to Ronnie: think about what kind of welcome back you want Ronnie: 'cause I can be nice or not nice Ronnie: its on you & what you say to me Joe: baby Joe: already told you I basically missed you more than heroin, how nice can one boy be Ronnie: you wont be saying that when I hand the gear over Joe: yeah i will Joe: been on you longer Ronnie: its fucking good though Joe: yeah Joe: ain't gonna say otherwise Ronnie: paid more & got better so you won't wanna leave Ronnie: dont have to rely on pretty preteens around here Joe: you know i didn't wanna leave in the first place Ronnie: i know you keep saying it like it makes a difference Joe: tell me what will and i'll do it Ronnie: i'll burn your passport that will Joe: burn my passport Joe: that's what you want? Ronnie: what do you have to go running to them for Ronnie: that's what I wanna know Ronnie: what the fuck is there for you Ronnie: cant even get a fix Joe: nothing, never has been Joe: it's obligation though Joe: you get it, i know you've done some shit just 'cos charlie wants to Joe: or 'cos bronson need it Ronnie: that's different Joe: why Ronnie: I ain't going round bullshitting how much i hate 'em on the one breath & in the other dropping everything for the pair of 'em Ronnie: ride or die is that Joe: okay so it is different Joe: it's more complicated Ronnie: fuck complicated its black & white Joe: nah like Joe: whatever i reckon about them Joe: i still owe 'em Joe: for now Joe: debts to pay like Ronnie: how ain't it been paid Ronnie: they ain't done you right since you were a kid Ronnie: if ever Ronnie: a roof & food that's easily totalled Joe: i dunno Joe: shit ton of interest Joe: learnt from the best debt collectors in liverpool, like Ronnie: write it off Ronnie: is when youre dead Joe: tell 'em that's my payment plan Ronnie: talking it out is your first mistake Ronnie: when the fuck has that worked on anyone who comes to collect Ronnie: dont even buy you time just makes you look a doss cunt more than you are Joe: maybe i can convince my da but you know she's biased Joe: all i have to do is get uni done and they can tick it off as a success Ronnie: i dont know jack about her Ronnie: how i want it Ronnie: if i aint read it off a file as a kid i don't need to hear it Joe: yeah Joe: but i ain't telling you i'm golden boy 'cos it seems cool am i Joe: whatever i'm gone now Ronnie: you're telling me 'cause you wanna trade wounds since I won't have your stories off you Ronnie: burn it into your arm deeper & maybe I'll pay attention Joe: you know it ain't about you, babe Joe: anyway, if we were still being nice I'd tell you none of the usual shit works to get you outta my head so thanks for that one Ronnie: ive been saying all day it's about her & I ain't competing with your fucking ma alright Ronnie: she smothered you poor baby Ronnie: you wanna try neglect its real easy Ronnie: feels better too Joe: you're the one who keeps bringing her up, yeah Joe: you want me to be that cunt Joe: easy Joe: I bet it was better, lucky you Ronnie: youre the one who ran home to have her tuck you in again Ronnie: youre that cunt Ronnie: mama's boy Joe: fuck's sake Joe: yeah alright Ronnie: you're the cunt who has the nerve to come crying to me when your mommy would shoot you up if you asked her to Joe: you reckon Joe: considering her dad was and she don't even hate yours as much i'll go with a no on that one Joe: plenty of sad stories I've heard and you ain't need to Ronnie: I reckon golden boy Ronnie: loves you as much as I love gear yeah Ronnie: & not trying to throw another baby away so you're welcome for the free pass Joe: cheers Joe: feels great Ronnie: you gonna cry again mckenna Joe: if i do i'll send you photos, don't worry Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: send me some either way Joe: you're a headfuck you know Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: dealer said it last time I fucked him Joe: you want fresh line Joe: 👌 Ronnie: give it to me then Joe: give me the flight to think of something you ain't heard before Ronnie: it ain't long enough Joe: fair there's plenty of shit i can say that you ain't heard for real before Joe: but it'd be a copout so i'll keep trying Ronnie: like what Joe: how many of your brothers you fucked lik4 Ronnie: don't reckon freckles is interested Ronnie: leaves me the gay & the kid Ronnie: what about your sister that'd be hot like Joe: they're all kids, just so you know Ronnie: no they ain't Ronnie: i know you lost your virginity to me but don't reckon they're waiting Joe: you wish Joe: hopefully just on the first count Ronnie: you're a sick boy Ronnie: 💋🖕 Joe: you too baby Joe: 💘 Ronnie: thats not some shit I ain't heard before Joe: just truth though Joe: no lying Ronnie: feels like one Ronnie: I'm good Joe: what you want me to say to that Ronnie: say what you wanna say Ronnie: again not your ma Joe: i'm good then Ronnie: truth or lie Joe: lie but not a big one Joe: true once i'm off this plane Ronnie: you out of sweeties or they're just that sugar free Joe: i'm trying to time it just right Joe: then i can actually just a decent amount and not be in a coma for you Ronnie: alright fuck Ronnie: you win Ronnie: nobody's said that to me before Joe: i mean it Joe: i want you first Ronnie: don't say this shit when you're on the wrong side of a plane ride Ronnie: jesus mckenna Joe: gotta make sure you miss me too Ronnie: you're such a cunt Joe: yeah Joe: you still want me though Ronnie: shut the fuck up Joe: why Ronnie: what do you want me to say Joe: you don't have to say anything Joe: but I ain't gonna shut up about how I ain't been able to get you out of my head this whole time Ronnie: yeah you said im a headfuck Ronnie: more than your family & the gear Ronnie: I'll take it Joe: better though Joe: you know Joe: so I'll take it and all Ronnie: you're a headfuck Ronnie: what are you being nice to me for Joe: you said it could go one of two ways Joe: you want me to be mean Ronnie: I want you to be here Ronnie: but you ain't Joe: I'm coming Ronnie: & I'm waiting on you Ronnie: what the fuck Joe: I know Ronnie: I hate you Ronnie: I'm losing it, do you know that Joe: I'm sorry Ronnie: what am I gonna do with that Joe: I don't know Joe: what do you want me to do Ronnie: what can you do Ronnie: can't even score by yourself Ronnie: worse than a fucking kid Joe: was desperate Joe: and it was your idea Ronnie: thats how it is every time Ronnie: you don't have any fucking idea 'cause I'm here cupping your balls & wiping your arse for you Joe: you've been giving me an easy ride of it yeah Joe: alright Ronnie: youre gonna try & call bullshit on that yeah Joe: nah i just had no idea you were being so generous Joe: would've got you a keychain at least Ronnie: fuck you Joe: you too Ronnie: get one with sharp edges we can make a blood oath or some shit Ronnie: maybe after you'll grow the hell up Joe: sure Joe: it's my speciality yeah Ronnie: cutting's more mine but you can have it Ronnie: same old shit gets boring yeah Joe: we can share Joe: she'd be proud Ronnie: my aspiration in life Ronnie: cheers Joe: obvs mine too Ronnie: you brought her up then not me Joe: reckon you owed me that one so Joe: even Ronnie: 💋🖕 Joe: you're cute Ronnie: say that again & you'll be swallowing teeth Joe: don't worry, that was hot Joe: you won it back Ronnie: go to hell mckenna Joe: you wanna be with me forever Joe: 💘 Ronnie: just reckoning you'll get there quicker than you will this fucking airport Joe: just be glad I didn't try to get back in at rush hour Ronnie: be glad im still waiting Joe: ain't gonna waste words on it Joe: show you Ronnie: 💘

[dontlookatmehereplease]

I was ok. i was managing. And now im getting emotional over a thing that has nothing to do with me. Im getting mad at my own labels. Im blaming myself over dumb shit again. Calling myself names i know aren't true but i still half believe them because the pain accompanied by those meaningless names comforts me. Because i made myself think the pain was the only thing that will ever be constant in my life. Sometimes i loose and believe that it is with all my heart. Im trying not to right now. Im trying not to let myself but i miss the comfort that comes with the repeated and constant pain. Everything around me changes. Everyone around me changes. And thats a healthy thing. What isnt healthy is my brain seeing that as being left behind and forgotten by everyone. Being unloved by everyone. Being a meaningless footnote to everyone. I don't want to be feeling this. But unless I'm willing to admit to every emotion and thought im feeling i dont think ill find the courage to tell a person in my daily life again.

My best friend and cousin is having a baby, and her bf proposed not long after. My other best friend has a girlfriend. The one who is one of 2 people that ive fallen for in my nearly 23 years of living. I hate being demiromantic. If I was granted the ability to change one thing about me it would be that. I don't want to take years to fall for a person. I want to fully move on. Im happy shes with someone, thats not the issue. That would never be the issue. Im the issue alone here, unable to stop loving her. Wanting to be the one she smiles at with adoration. Im 22 for fuck sakes i need to grow the fuck up and move on. Im not doing anyone any good loving her like this still. Longing for her like this. Wanting to kiss her like shes everything. Its fucking pathetic, i need to stop. Its wrong to want her to look at me after so long. To want her to give me the smallest chance.

Im disgusted at myself for letting myself get to this point. For letting myself use labels that make me uncomfortable because she suggested that they might fit me. For looking for any kind of positivity in her face when looking at me even if it meant making me want to throw away everything.

I need a break from typing. Ive been crying this entire time on and off typing this. Mostly feeling numb and disgusted towards my own emotions to being told she's been dating an ex-coworker for 2 months now before she told the friend group. Feeling very pathetic and wanting to just throw away my reaction because its childish and fucking disgusting. Im happy she's found someone, there was a long time i was scared she wouldn't find the courage to flirt with a woman. For a long time after her coming out she was terrified of coming across as creepy toward women and im happy shes moved past that and managed to slowly enter(to my knowledge) what appears to be a healthy relationship. I need to work on so much shit. And probably have a drink but i can't do that while im this clouded with thoughts. I cant afford to do that to those around me rn because my brain decided that it was going to be stupid and wrongly long for something i had no place or right in being.

[zoenightstars]

Post-It Notes, ch9

on Ao3

ch1 | ch2 | ch3 | ch4 | ch5 | ch6 | ch7 | ch8 | ch9 

IT’S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly posting this is making me super nervous because it’s been such a long wait? which im very sorry about? so i owe yall a really good chapter in return for u guys being so lovely and patient <333 

thank you to @sadrien and @reyxa for being the best cheerleaders ever, love you guys <3 also HUGE shoutout to sadrien for beta-ing (ish??) for me. god bless i lov u 

as always, comments and reblogs are very much appreciated!!! (please reblog omg i want 2 know what u guys think!!!) 

enjoy!!!

Adrien is drowning. The harsh blue of the memory of her eyes pull him in deeper and deeper, and Adrien doesn’t know if he wants to stay above water anymore. He now knows for sure that the post-it notes had been Marinette, but he still almost can’t believe it. It feels like a dream that is too good to be true, but Adrien hasn’t woken up yet.

Adrien is so in love. And he is so fucked.

Adrien sinks into his chair as he spins in it absentmindedly. The words “I love you” scrawl their way across his vision again and again and again. He hugs the note to his chest.

“I love you,” he murmurs, swooning a little as he says it.

“Aw, Adri-chou! I didn’t know you felt that way about me!” Plagg coos as he zips into view.

Adrien rolls his eyes. “Plagg, you know I hate it when Chloé calls me that.”

“Adri-fromage, is that fucking better?”

“I hate you.”

Plagg’s tail droops in mock disappointment. “You said you loved me! I thought we had something special, Adri-gruyére!”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Whatever you say, Adri-parmesan.”

“That cheese isn’t even French, Plagg.”

“Hey! We don’t discriminate here.”

“Whatever. The point is, Marinette said she loves me!”

“Disgusting,” Plagg replies.

“I'm not sure you're understanding the gravity of this situation. She said that she loves me.”

“Mhm. Can I have cheese?”

“You're heartless. I'm calling Nino. Get your ass in my bookbag.”

“There'd better be cheese in there,” he grumbles and then disappears into its contents.

As the video call ringtone plays, Adrien stares into space, thinking of his near future with Marinette with equal parts hope, optimism, and abject horror. What the fuck do I do now?

“Hello? Hello? Dude. Bro. Lover boy? ADRIEN,” Nino screeches through the speakers, sending Adrien sprawling onto the floor due to an acute case of being startled shitless with the most notable symptom being falling out of chairs.

“Holy shit! You scared the hell out of me!” Adrien yells as he hauls himself back into a normal sitting position.

“Dude, you were staring off into space with the same facial expression as a lovesick puppy for an entire sixty seconds,” Nino scolds.

Adrien blushes, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. “Was I?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m pathetic,” he groans.

“I’m not gonna argue. Anyway, you called because…?”

“Marinette.”

“I repeat, you called because…?”

Adrien taps on the screen with a confused expression on his face. “Is something wrong with my audio? I heard you the first time…”

“God you’re dense,” Nino mutters. “Adrien. Buddy. Pal. I heard you loud and clear. But what about Marinette could you possibly have to talk about with me?”

Adrien scowls. “I don’t know, maybe she said she loves me and I don’t know what the hell I should do now?”

“Ask her out? I thought that was a no-brainer?”

“No. No. I can’t do that.”

Nino throws his hands up in frustration. “Why the fuck not?”

“Because… I… can’t?”

“You’re an idiot.”

“But think about it! What if she says no?”

“She won’t.”

“Nino, if she says no I will literally die of embarrassment.”

“Good thing she won’t say no, then!”

“Okay. Let’s just say she says yes—”

“—She will—”

Adrien glowers at him. “If she says yes, what will the kids at school think?”

“I promise you, other than me and Alya, nobody is going to give a shit.”

“Chloé?”

“Okay, I’ll give you that one. But why do you give a shit about what she thinks? She sucks.”

“Fine. What about Rose?”

“Gay. Next?”

“I don’t fucking know, Juleka?”

“Gay. With Rose. Next?”

“Wait, what?”

“Oh my god. You haven’t noticed?”

“No?”

“They’ve been dating for months. No wonder you didn’t notice Marinette was into you.”

Adrien ignores the jab. “Huh. Okay, but what about Nathanael?” Adrien crosses his arms with a sort of gotcha expression on his face.

“Who cares? Marinette isn’t into him, she’s into you!” Nino, clearly, is not got.

Adrien, the smooth lady killer that he is, hangs up on Nino at the suggestion that Marinette is in love with him. Good going.

Adrien’s phone buzzes, and he pushes off from the desk and rolls the chair over to his bed to pick it up.

From: alya’s bf To: lover boi 😍 bro did u just hang up on me

From: lover boi 😍 To: alya’s bf …

From: alya’s bf To: lover boi 😍 anyway do urself a favor just ask the girl out

From: lover boi 😍 To: alya’s bf i dont deserve her :/

From: alya’s bf To: lover boi 😍 maris a smart girl with standards if u didnt deserve her she wouldnt be in2 u love urself and date her pls

From: lover boi 😍 To: alya’s bf r u sure….

From: alya’s bf To: lover boi 😍 u have my blessing, marshmallow ~alya

From: lover boi 😍 To: alya’s bf hold on ur w alya rn? oh ym gd o has alya been listenign htis whole time hello??? ¿¿¿¿????? dude answe r me dud e

From: alya’s bf To: lover boi 😍 read 5:27 pm ✔

From: lover boi 😍 To: alya’s bf ARE U SHITTIGN ME THIS IS BETRAYAL nino blocked

Adrien chucks his phone back on the bed. I really need new friends, he thinks, feeling the heat rise in his face. But no sooner does he do this than his phone buzzes again.

From: unknown number To: marshmallow adrien?

From: marshmallow To: unknown number um...sry who is this ?

From: unknown number To: marshmallow ya girl alya B)

From: marshmallow To: queen alya oh

From: queen alya To: marshmallow r u mad @ me? :((

From: marshmallow To: queen alya a little :/ not if u dont tell mari what i said tho

From: queen alya To: marshmallow thank god ok and i wont dw u have my word marshmallow

From: marshmallow To: queen alya thx

From: queen alya To: marshmallow adrien?

From: marshmallow To: queen alya yeah ?

From: queen alya To: marshmallow u rlly like mari, right?

From: marshmallow To: queen alya um yes am i that obvious

From: queen alya To: marshmallow yeah u are but thats beside the point i really think u should ask her out i mean both so i can write that im 2 for 2 as a wingman on my resume but also because ur both my friends and i want 2 c both of u happy

From: marshmallow To: queen alya okay…? wait 2 for 2?

From: queen alya To: marshmallow i wingmanned myself and the boy thank u very much

From: marshmallow To: queen alya im not sure that counts?

From: queen alya To: marshmallow shut up let me finish >:( if u rly like mari which u clearly do dating her would make u happy, right?

From: marshmallow To: queen alya god yes

From: queen alya To: marshmallow ur a nerd anyway i know that if you ask her out, marinette will literally be the happiest girl in the world also i dont know how much longer she can take this post it thing shes like this 👌 close to imploding i worry for that girl anyway long soliloquy short date the heck out of my best friend pls and thank

Adrien puts down his phone and slowly exhales. Well, he thinks. I may not deserve Marinette Dupain-Cheng, but she deserves to be happy.

Adrien hopes he can at least give her that.

[fish-nibbler]

1-117 :3 *hugs*

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? There’s a lot of feelings hitting me right now.. but I at the same time I’m not feeling anything.. There’s just.. There’s a lot.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? From one person... yea

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? I’m not dating anyone rn.. and probably wont date anyone again bc im impossible to deal with.. but honestly I’d ask to join my partner

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Not anymore..

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? Crying, cutting, and waiting for a response from someone bc i asked them if we could hangout sometime and what i would be a good time. I never got a response other than “yeah”

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? No one, I’m probably alone

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Probably just cry

8: Are you close with your dad? Eh..

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? No.. I wish I had.. But no.. 

10: What are you listening to? Just a YT video

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Some kind of alcohol so I can die faster

12: Do you like hickeys? fUCK give me all the hickies my neck is weak

13: What time do you go to bed? Whenever I run out of energy and pretty much pass out

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Yea.. myself

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? Pff no

16: Do you always answer your texts? Mostly

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? Sometimes I think I do? But then I remember everything I did to them and then realize that everything was my fault and I’m just a huge fuck up.. so.. No.. I don’t hate her.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? I dont know

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? I used to have someone.. But.. I had forced her to stick around me and I made her miserable. 

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I surprisingly was thinking about Zady.. about the relationship I had with her.. and how much I fucked up.. I probably deserved everything I got from her and honestly I miss her.. pretty pathetic right?

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? No

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? Nope

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? Yes.. Yes I was..

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? Yeah... Desperately wish I could take everything back.. sometimes I think if 

25: In the past week, have you cried? Many times

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Teal

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? No

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? Everyone is

29: Do you have a best friend? 

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? God yes.. But I want to see her and talk to her.. But fuck I’m going to cry..

31: Who was your last call/text message from? my ex

32: Are you mad at anyone? just myself

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Kinda

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? I believe 18 in September

35: How many more days until your birthday? Well its in April so

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? No

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? Not really..

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? Kinda..

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Maybe

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? Depends..

42: Are you available? Yep.. I guess

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? Im still in high school

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Hmm... Maybe my brow? A tiny piercing

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? I’m trying.. But it’s hard.. She’s said she’ll be here if I need her but I’m just.. I’m making it impossible..

46: Do you regret anything? Everything. Especially not killing myself sooner.

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? I want to die.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Mhm.

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? Maybe..? I don’t know.. I don’t want to think it is.. But I kinda forced it.. So yea.. It was..

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? Because she fucking hates me.

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Yes. She’s seen me full on break down, multiple times, and had to hold me to calm me down.

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? I try to.. again though I’m making it impossible..

53: What was the last thing you ate? pizza

54: Did you get any compliments today? nope

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? I don’t go on vacation.. but I’m hoping to go to RTX or another con sometime.. I just don’t have the money or anyone to go with..

56: Do you own anything from other countries? I mean.. yea

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? women

58: Where have you lived most of your life? Minnesota

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? Never

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No.. But I should.. I just don’t get invited out and no one likes me

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? no

62: Who do you text the most? -sigh-

63: What was the last movie you saw?

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? I don’t have a gf

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? no

67: Do you curse around your parents? no

68: Are you happy with where you live? no

69: Picture of yourself? mmm no

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? Open-ended relationships are fine as long as communication is used. So, for example: if I were to date someone who did open-relationships I would prefer to know if they already had bfs or gfs just to know.

71: Have you ever been dumped? All of my relationships have ended with someone leaving me for someone else.

72: What do you most like about making out?  Everything

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? No.. Again.. People don’t like me

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? The other person

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? eyes

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? my ex

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? no - people dont like me

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? people dont like me

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? people dont like me

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? no - people dont like me

83: Do you miss your last sweetie? sweetie? you mean my last gf? i mean.. yea.. i miss her a lot.. she was the first person i could look at and actually know i loved her..

84: Last time you slow danced with someone? people dont like me - i’ve never done this

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? people don’t like me and i dont fully understand the question

86: How can I win your heart? you cant. i dont have one

87: What is your astrological sign?

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

89: Do you cook?

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? YES

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

95: Are you a player? people dont like me - no

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? people dont like me

97: Are you a tease?

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? no

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? god i thought i was.. she made me feel so.. alive i guess? but i’m a fuck up and i ruined everything and it doesn’t matter anymore.

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? people don’t like me

101: Hugs or Kisses? both

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out? yes

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? 

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? i’m weak to women calling me ‘babe’

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it? depends

106: Do you flirt a lot? no?

107: Your last kiss? 

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012? people dont like me

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? people dont like me

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? no one i guess.. not allowed to say my actual answer

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? no - people dont like me

112: Does someone like you currently? probably not - people dont like me

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? my ex

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? i honestly dont care anymore. it doesnt matter. im always dropped for someone else.

115: Ever made out with just a friend? no

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship? in a relationship.

117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.