#i dont know whats real or fake anymore its all the same anyways just dark cold and gray with no escape

[hecksupremechips]

Had a particularly rotten case of “my dreams are real and trying to eat me” last night and I just don’t know how much longer I can put up with this shit actually

[askfallenroyalty]

It occurs to me that we never saw kris or suzy in the epilogue (though I think the latter was mentioned once? Idk). Did uh… are they doing decently?

// the darkworld arc had been abandoned/retconned. while there IS a UT-universe version of Kris and Susie (assuming Frisk isn't Kris in UT, tho Kris is still very much their own person regardless) in AFR, we will only know Susie in the redraw. (again... assuming UT Susie is Suzy and not a sister like the catty and catti situation.)

x-x we just know too little about DR we don't even know how the universes mirror each other and the timelines are all WHACK. its a nightmare to write for or even theorize about. i esp dont wanna think about how they'd change in the time skips of AFR.

anyway in the redraw we'll see a LOT more of Susie as Frisk's whole journey is about befriending her. i didn't add her and MK into the epilogue because we need a proper foundation that the redraw will provide. at that point, my Susie would diverge from canon Suzy heavily as her story would be quite different.

uh. speaking of that arc...

So. My original plan for the rewrite was for Gaster and Riverperson to have worked together in the prime timeline. then gaster got yeeted from time, leaving his work behind. Then, Chara would run away to the underground looking for a purpose and an escape from Asriel's BS and the island. (though, thinking on it, logically Mt.Ebott wouldn't be on monsterland... as that's exiled from humanity. so idk about that anyway)

Anyway exploring true lab Chara accidently uncovers an artificial darkworld and gets stuck as a ghostly narrator again, this time as a cherub with Feylow. Frisk, Susie and MK would be the party and they'd have to make their way home together. I've heavily considered this portion being a fangame-only material, for better play-value.

but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

ughhhhhhhh.

ugghghh.... gaster.

The story itself can keep gaster to a bare minimum. The guy is scattered across time. he's not directly involved at all. at most we know he did SOMETHING to chara in the prime timeline with their soul and now things are on the fritz (what caused this AU) up until fake DW, where they're possessed again.

(˘･_･˘)

I just don't want to play with DR canon at all anymore. darkworlds are inherently going to tie into that. and granted, in UT canon there's entry #17 that implies a growing darkness... it's not a stretch that Gaster could of done this. And he DID have a DT extractor, and the timeline is vague but the similar wording (and how old the core is) could imply he was around Chara's time. None of this is a stretch

buuuut working with Darkworld, even if it's a fake one, is too close to DR canon and we just don't know much yet. when i first did the darkworld, i thought it'd be a fun excursion into the same chapter 1 area... but i got too into the improv and imagination side of things without understanding the original at all. (and bad improv) it didn't really hit me that DR was it's own game and lore until Chapter 2, and I realized just how early on we are into that game's story.

I just... I can work with what I've got, I can avoid DR canon as much as I can but ultimately, I'm working with 2/7ths worth of puzzle pieces.

I don't wanna do any of this. Gaster used to be a "free for all" in the fandom to do whatever timeline/lore thing you wanted to pull of cause he was free real-estate. but now DR is treating him more and more as a character and I don't wanna touch the guy as he's going to be jossing the story.

idk what to do in all honesty. The darkworld portion IS important, Chara goes through major character development that the Continue Arc is built on. But I've been struggling with Feylow as a concept, and well, this. what the hell am I going to do.

[abittersweetsongforyou]

wtfock fic recs part 1

okay so some points

im sorry about the spacing but i cant be bothered to fix it, im sorry if i missed anything and i hope this was helpful

the classics (v popular, many kudos)

I Didn't Want To Share My Boyfriend Anymore by teen_content_queen So He's Happy by Masterless rescue my heart by themoongirl go and hold that lightning by themoongirl i've learned to lose you (can't afford to) by petitepeach and my love life waits by petitepeach Truth by MsAshlyjudd8 Carry You by clarecas Are You Jealous Or Are You Sulking? by teen_content_queen Sick Day by teen_content_queen can i try again? by lamourestout Floating in a most peculiar way by skamsnake rotten work by aholynight run and score by aurorawinds

Unattainable by sincerelysobbe

canon divergence/missing scenes/fix-its

woensdag 21:21 (redux) by eliottamoureux - the post first kiss that sander deserved living life and loving boys by TheGlassesPredicament - post hate crime, milan and our boys :( but :) all we can do is keep breathing by aletterinthenameofsanity - sander is homeless explanation Bringing A Boy Home by ForeverInIdle - Sander takes Robbe to meet his mother watch myself watchin' you by vitane - robbes crush on sander developing during the beach trip hey wolf, there's lions in here (hey wold, just see there's no fear) by tokyometropolis(mesohorany) - sanders perspective of ohn Rebel Rebel by skamsnake - sanders perspective on trying to get robbe to fall in love with him on the beach trip In which Sander and Robbe emigrate from Robbe's bedroom by orphan_account zaterdag 22:02 by wasteourdaysdreaming - sander wants to be with robbe diminuendo by noobishere - sander at the flatshare after robbe leaves for his exam and I know what you're feeling ('cause I feel it as well) by nothingbutniall - kissing in the tunnel a warning sign by themoongirl - sanders perspective after he ran out of the hotel reunited by themoongirl - reimagined ohn you don't even know who i am by lamourestout - robbe and sander getting to know each other take these broken wings and learn to fly by ladypeaceful - the hate crime gonna build you up (gonna help you believe, honey) by ladypeaceful - robbe takes sander to meet his mama

the broers

being assholes fucking asshole. by richietrashmouthtozier - jens is a dick and robbe is tired and sad The Familiar, Foreign, or Both by TOZ1ER - robbe grew apart from the broers by then he runs into them in the supermarket oké, so? by severegas4 - moyo is a dick being mostly good friends jahsdaj by the way by TheGlassesPredicament - robbe has been dating sander and is tired of hiding it Now I'm In It by cicelsticks - sander on a broers holiday, there's only one bed, and pining Low Volume by clubstocrews23 - sander is down but robbe is there for him a teenage manual on breathing by merengue - robbe comes out to jens, this one is seriously so good Fun Get Away by Masterless - jens doesnt like sander but he's a good friend

wtFOCK - Moyo season 4 by Createdforyou - screenplay style moyo season 4 written by some lovely people and very well done, even if screenplay isn't your thing i highly suggest trying it

romcom type aus that make my heart all fuzzy

Croissants by bruisingknees - sander works at a bakery, robbe is a customer, flirting ensues its an unrequited love by eggsntoast - sander works at a museum and robbe keeps visiting The finest of the meadow by allforyoumylove - two boys meet in a meadow Coffee and Croques by peaceoutofthepieces - barista!sander and barista!eliott we love to see it

My hand around the base of your holy neck by allforyoumylove - friends with benefits and we all know how that turns out

Come closer I'll give you all my love by Createdforyou - fake dating au babyyy

Christmas Dreams by Createdforyou - they're coworkers and its christmas! tell me that doesnt scream romcom

careless in its choosing by noobishere - they meet in a club its very cute

life was a willow and it bent right to your wind by nbrook - friends to lovers and its christmas and robbes boyfriend sucks

just friends by sincerelysobbe - friends with benefits with much pining

But darling, love is passing by by Createdforyou - barista!sander i mean who doesnt love barista!sander and strangers to friends to lovers

fun and funky aus that just hit

Let's Dance by msleviss- Sander is a DJ we love to see it our camp of dreams by aurorawinds - a summer camp au Falling For You by silver_etoile - soccer au babyyyyy Seek Only Love by iwritetropesnottragedies(recklesslee) - Sander goes to Robbe's highschool Jij Verliest by sincerelysobbe - robbe is a streamer and he deserves a nice boyfriend aka sander the blood of both is my limbo by tokyometropolis(mesohorany) - robbe is an angel and sander is a demon its fucking awesome i'm slowly falling away. by fockinglevendcliche - enemies to lovers paint me in trust by themoongirl - vampire!sander that's all u need to know Pizza Time by Quirlequast - robbe cant tell if pizza deliveryboy sander is flirting with him we don't gotta be discreet by noobishere - robbe and sander fake date but theyre actually really dating, aaron is just an idiot

flower moon by cicelsticks - hogwarts au v cute

love me while your wrists are bound by alsjeblieft - siren!sander is fucking awesome this one also has under 100 kudos and thats just wrong

masterpiece by sincerelysobbe - soulmate au babyyyy

For Real by peaceoutofthepieces - fake dating at christmas time what could be better

everything all at once by whalefairyfandom - robbe is a barista and sander is his coworker britts 'asshole' ex-boyfriend

love potion no.9 by thekardemomme - hogwarts au and its amortentia day

the blind date bomb by thekardemomme - robbe and sander on a blind date and it goes very well

I See You When You Run From The Light (within your eyes) by womenstan - sander is blind and robbe is an idiot but itll be okay eventually bsadhajshd

carry me through this sleeping city by aurorawinds - imo this is some of aurorawinds best work, they're neighbours and coworkers and v cute

the sports we play by dottori - this one was very fun and cute although i only vaguely know of the foxhole court it was still very enjoyable so even if you dont know the reference read it anyway

makes me feel things i cant explain

vrijdag 21:37 by wasteourdaysdreaming - the same party from told from different perspectives (one of my all time fucking favourites fr) to build a home by aguamarina - sander has a sister and she's the sweetest thing

you know i'm always at your shoulder (take your heart out of its holster) by wafflesofdoom - this is unfinished but so so worth the read anyway especially because the chapters kind of function as one-shots

hop in the corolla by noobishere - god this fic is everything to me like them on a trip together, in love, happy, being young, fuck its so wonderful

A New Sunday Feeling by foxsake5 - they're in love and horny and v sweet

Fizzy Colas by foxsake5 - its boys night out but robbe and sander are in love

in this universe by dottori - fluff fluff fluff my little heart

Suns Set Before They Rise by writingbuzz - boyfriends waking up together

lovers never lose by dottori - this has to be one of my all time favourites, perfectly cheesy i love it sm

Taking pictures of you as the light came through by allforyoumylove - this one is steamy so be warned but so tender and sweet

My hand around the base of your holy neck by allforyoumylove - friends with benefits but they're in love and its beautiful

Pull Me from the Dark by TheOceanIsMyInkwell - wow i mean wow, they both have issues and they're still learning and trying and they love each other even though they're sad and a bit broken.

Always mine, always yours by allforyoumylove - they go to a wedding and get engaged and its romantic as fuck and im crying

one through seven by dottori - robbe and sander are in love

[bonny-kookoo]

Bunny Boy (JJK x Reader)☁️⚠️🔪(💜)🔞 Part 3

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Angst, Yandere!AU, Stalker!AU, questionable romance, smut, Oneshot

Warnings: (oh boy) Stalking, Obsession, Yandere themes, cute Koo but aggressive, he ready to fight, graphic description of violence, blood, very twisted JK, oblivious! Reader, kinda Stockholm-syndrome Reader?, soft romantic lovemaking, body worship, Dom! Jungkook, Sub! Reader, Handjob (fem. receiving), oral (fem. receiving), protected sex because even with your mind scrambled up in a frying pan we still wrap it before tapping it y’all hear me STDs ain’t cute Susan

Summary: It all started with a hello kitty charm.

A/N:(IMPORTANT) I’d like to note here that I do not condone nor romanticize any of the things depicted in this. This is purely fictional, and only to be seen as a work of art, not as a depiction of real life relationships. For short: if he a creep, kick his balls, don’t kiss. Thank you.

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3

His eyes had seen the words written in neat lettering time and time again, yet he still read it again, trying to calm himself down.

They were trying to take you away.

Your parents were basically not as financially stable as you thought, basically having the audacity to ask you for money.

He was trying not to snap.

He'd known that your mother was a whore, already trying to safe your situation by digging up information he'd rather delete from his mind, forever scarred with the blasphemic image of her showing herself off to strangers on the web like a cheap commercial before a video starts, desperation being an understatement to describe her actions. Or maybe she did it only for the thrill.

She was a vile and distusting woman after all.

It was quite confusing to think of her as the woman who'd been responsible for bringing you into this world. He had a hard time believing it as he thought about your gentle and sweet nature, pure and caring while this sorry excuse of a human being did everything to play with karma it seemed.

Well, maybe he'd change his name for a day and play that role for her.

After all, she was an impatient woman he'd noticed from her constant reminding to buy obscene photos and short videos of her truly underwhelming body for an amount of money he'd rather spend on a coffee and a small breakfast to share with you, if he was being honest.

Why someone would genuinely pay for content like that was beyond him.

"I dont.. understand-" The female voice quivered on the other side of the line, making the corners of his lips turn upwards a bit as he listened to it, gaining some sort of satisfaction in knowing he'd gotten under her skin.

"Oh but I think you do." He said, voice smooth like velvet as he watched her pace back and forth in front of her admittedly bad webcam of her opened laptop. Living off of her husbands money couldn't be so luxurious he thought, if she couldn't even afford a decent laptop for the things she did whenever no one was looking.

It was truly making his saliva taste bitter merely thinking about it.

"If you think deleting your account will safe you, you're even more stupid than I initially thought." He mumbled into his phone as he saw her eyes widen, hands stalling as her gaze locked with the tiny device on top of her screen. She probably paled, yet the quality was too bad to tell for sure. "Everything has already been saved and will remain in my possession for as long as I have need of it." He stated, and clicked his tongue as she seemed to think of something to get herself out of it. "And remember; calling the police or informing any other authority will only result in you having to admit to your crimes as well. And I believe that isn't truly what you want." She snapped, hitting her table as she watched the camera, unknowing how Jungkook didn't even pay attention anymore, knowing he'd finally caught her head inside his noose.

"How much do you want?" She gritted out, and he chuckled, before clearing his throat.

"Your mindset truly disgusts me." He said, before sighing. "I don't want your fucking money."

He sat down properly again as he looked at his screen again.

"But I want you to do something for me.."

"It's nice to know that she finally found someone who can look after her." Your father stated, smiling at Jungkook who sat next to you at the table,taking your hand in his as he mirrored the gesture, spotting the way your mother tensed up in the corner of his vision, making him chuckle a bit.

"No, really, I am happy I've found her." He said, rubbing the back of his neck a bit shyly, making you giggle at his antics. Initially, you'd been a little worried when your parents wanted to meet Jungkook, not even knowing how they got to know about your relationship- your mother, however, had cleared things up for you, explaining that he'd updated them on your condition when you were in hospital. Maybe she did care, after all. "Right, angel?" He said, and you nodded, smiling with a bit of redness on your cheeks.

Absolutely divine.

"Alright, let me clean this up, You guys can head to bed, its already late." Your father said as he stood up, everyone else following after, when you'd suddenly grabbed Jungkooks plate and empty glass, smiling. Out of the corner of his he could see your mother empty her glass greedily, making him smile even wider.

Greed was a sin to be punished, after all.

"I'll do that, don't worry." You smiled, and he cooed at the sight. You were so absolutely sweet, he was always astounded at it, even though he should be getting used to it by now. He'd never get used to you, however. He nodded, giving you a kiss to your cheek as your father called for your mother, who'd been about to leave the table.

"Can you show Jungkook here where the guest room is? Help him set the bed, will you." He spoke, warmth as fake as her eyelashes as she smiled tensely, nodding towards Jungkook as he followed, comfortable with leaving you and your father alone for the moment. He wasn't a threat at all.

Your mother however, was a different story.

If she'd thought he wouldn't pick up on her dark gazes and blunt lies she truly was brainless. But then again, considering what she did with her freetime, he wouldn't be surprised to find her entirely empty.

Opening the door of the guest room, your mother closed the door behind him, slowly walking towards his back which was turned towards her, hands running over his shoulderblades as he shuddered.

But not with pleasure.

"I bet a young boy like you has stamina, heh?" She said, trying to form a seducing tone with her voice, yet failed as his eyes continued to stare forward, cold as ever as he stood unmoving, even when she came even closer. "Why would you get yourself someone like her anyways? There's nothing about her.." She chatted away, before stopping. "Wha-" She breathed out as she felt something poke her hip.

She was dead inside already, so why was she still up and walking like a zombie?

"You truly are disgusting." He murmured, turning around to hold his hand against her throat, backing her up until she could feel the wooden door against her back, chin pushing itself upwards as she looked at him with wide eyes. "To imagine that your rotten womb gave birth to an angel like her.." He said, eyes still trained on hers as he pushed a bit more, feeling and hearing her struggle, before moving away from her, snapping the knife he'd in his other hand shut to put it back inside his pocket as he opened the drawers, searching for fresh sheets. "I advise you to not ever touch me again if you want to keep your skin intact. It's nauseating enough that I have to share the same roof with someone like you tonight." He said, as he finally found what he was looking for, not caring as she swallowed hard, leaving the room and him alone, but not before running into you.

"Oh, sorry, I.. Uh, Jungkookie?" You asked, peeking into the room as his entire demeanor made a full 180 in front of your mothers eyes, body language suddenly speaking a different dialect it seemed, as he smiled, walking up to you, and leading you inside the room, closing the door with a last warning look thrown at her.

"Please angel.." He hummed against your skin, as you shyly touched his skin, making him sigh in bliss. He'd showered after his encounter with your witch of a mother, yet he couldn't help but not feel clean enough- he needed your touch, your salvation, to finally feel good again, to exorcise the demonic memories of her gut wrenching hands on his back, or her obscene words towards him. He needed your purity to cleanse him again, to give him back his wings you'd granted him.

"They won't hear." He promised, but in reality he wanted them to, craving deep down inside his being to drench the walls in your heavenly sounds, to clean this room of her presence with the help of the pleasure he was giving you. He felt you give into him with ease, smile warm and happy as his fingers entered you, knowing that he could not nestle himself inside you without sacrificing safety. And getting you pregnant was far from his mind.

No, the only thing ever being inside you would be him, and no one else.

You breathed out in sweet euphoria as he worked you with his hand, before dipping down, taking the covers with him as his tongue got in contact with your pearl, mouth feasting on you like a starving man enjoying his first meal, humming in pleasure as your hand found its way into his hair, gently tugging, never hurting.

He highly doubted you could ever hurt a fly.

And you'd never have to, with Jungkook at your side ready to soak his hands in the blood of anyone you wanted to have killed in cold murder, all of it with a smile on his face. He was ready to flood the streets in his own guts just to make more room for your praise and affection inside of him, he'd do it all for you in a time shorter than his heart could ever beat.

Your sighs turned into mewls.

He pushed your legs apart gently, hands reminiscing in the feel of your skin underneath his palms as he put even more effort into his actions, making you squirm in pleasure as your back arched like a feline stretching itself after a well deserved rest as you came undone with his touch, mouth finally parting from you, crawling upwards to your face as he kissed you, uncaring of your own residue on his lips.

You loved him.

He suddenly let out a short moan as he felt your delicate hands touch his bulge, eyes questioning as you silently asked for his permission.

Who was he to deny you anything?

As you pulled him out of his underwear he sighed at the view, your entire body showing off how lost you were with the task you'd taken on, making him smile as he began to help you, placing your hands around him in a proper way and showing you how to please him.

You learned quick.

Slowly growing more confident, you started to grip him with a bit more confidence, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear as you suddenly dipped down, making his eyes as wide as the moon before he huffed out a breath, head falling back as he could only stare at the white ceiling when your tongue touched his tip. Your soft lips took him in, inviting him inside the warmth of your mouth as you gently sucked before releasing him again, using your saliva and his own precum as lubrication for easier motions.

He was in heaven.

Of course he'd though about it, yet it seemed almost embarrassing how he fell apart so quickly under your touch, cum suddenly spurting out as he came violently, not prepared to last under such circumstances. He caught his breath, smiling apologetically as he stood up on slightly unsteady legs, reaching for some tissues inside his backpack near the bed before crawling back to you, cleaning up your face and neck with the outmost care as you suddenly spoke. "So, was that.. good?" You asked, and he scoffed, kissing you deeply before he rested his forehead against yours.

"Angel, you just sent me to heaven." He said, making you giggle as he made you lie down, cleaning between your thighs as to not make too much of a mess of the sheets.

His cum stained tissues however, he'd leave as a present for the witch to find.

If she was to wake again, that is.

"I'm so sorry, she isn't feeling well-" Your father apologized, yet Jungkook simply waved him off with a sympathizing smile. You nodded next to him, agreeing with Jungkook that this was simply a bad day for her. Everyone got sick once in a while. "I hope you have a safe trip home, and thank you for the wine Jungkook, you really have taste." He said, pale skin showing to him that he'd seemingly been affected as well. "We'll stay in touch." He told Jungkook, hugging him in a friendly manner as a form of goodbye.

He was collateral damage.

He actually liked the man a bit, noticing how calm and collected he was, even though he had to share his life with a woman such as your mother. He admired him really, for spending his time with her every day, for simply coexisting with her, without feeling the need to end his own life.

But maybe this man had exactly those thoughts he wondered, as he though about the wine bottle inside his car, evidence he'd taken with him to discard of in safe distance.

And as you both waved one last time, driving off, Jungkook only had one sentence running around inside his head as he thought of the witch that was your mother.

"This time, please just stay dead."

“I don’t have much space-“ he said, sitting on the engine hood of his car, patting his thighs as an invitation for you. “But it’s gonna be okay. I like having you close anyways.” He mused, voice low and drawled as if exhausted. You sat on his lap, legs hanging off on one side, head leaning on his chest, craving his warmth like a newborn kitten. He snaked his arms around your form, bathing in your presence in pure feelings of bliss as you sighed. He looked down on you, hand running over the top of your head. “What is it angel?” He said, worry a present undertone in his voice. You played with the buttons of his coat as he watched the sun set in front of you both, twilight slowly setting in.

“They.. won’t take me away from you, right?” You asked timidly, unknowing why this option scared you so much. Those were your parents; you shouldn’t be scared of them, should you? Yet Jungkook had told you to be wary of them, and you knew he was to be trusted- when has he ever been wrong? He only wanted your best, just like he said; he only wanted you safe and protected, and it made you feel oh so special. The pure option that you could be forced to live without him now seemed utterly terrifying, like a phobia you didn’t know you had.

“No, no angel.” He said, smile ever so present as if he’d just been gifted the thing he’d always wanted. You seemed so upset with the mere possibility of being away from him, it showed him that you had finally accepted him fully; you finally were his and his alone. “I won’t let anyone take you away from me.” He growled possessively, eyes growing cold as you leaned even closer to him, making him take a deep breath in fondness. “I’d rather die.” He whispered, and your head shot up, delicate hands on his chest, and an absolutely divine and desperate look on your face.

“Then I’ll die with you! You can’t leave me behind-“ you said, wide eyes looking at him in pure horror of the simple mention of his death, and he chuckled, brushing a piece of hair behind your ear with gentle hands, as he answered you lowly.

“Don’t worry angel-“ he said, his hand resting on your cheek, eyes watching you like a piece of art. “I’ll take you with me wherever I go.” He said, leaning in for a kiss you eagerly accepted, uncaring of how his hands gripped your waist tightly. Dangerously. And you were just as uncaring of his next words that left his lips between heated kisses.

“Even if I’d have to kill you myself.” he mumbled into you as you smiled.

You felt like Romeo and Juliet.

Or bonny and clyde for that matter.

The news should've hit you hard, yet it only left you with questions. You by now had your suspicions on what had happened, yet instead of igniting fear, it only left you with more things to wonder about. Why would he do these things?

Was he this scared to loose you that he even killed in his desperation to keep you close?

Would you one day be his victim as well?

"Angel?" He asked, standing behind you as his eyes scanned your form, noticing how you'd stopped packing your stuff, simply sitting in your old bedroom, on the floor, on your knees, in the middle of the room. "Are you okay?" He asked.

Well.. were you?

And if you were-

For how long?

Taglist:

[windsweptlassie]

On Love

So as you know I made this uquiz with an open-ended question at the end, tell me something about love, and I’ve gotten the most wonderful responses! They range from descriptions of wonderful partners: 

Lauren: oh, how long I went without being myself until I met him and he showed me who I truly was and that my worth was higher than I ever thought was possible

Levi: I love who we are with each other. I love who I am with you. In your company I am me. In your company I am the best of me. The best with the best, I've told you. I wouldn't give you up for anything

Daniel: i fell in love for the first time when i was 17... at the time, i didn’t realize it was the first time, i thought i’d been in love before, a couple times actually, but falling in love at 17 was such a fulfilling experience, it felt so forceful yet so right. it’s when i first truly understood what love was. never before had i felt so understood and so cared for as i did when i was in love with her, and she was in love with me. it’s been nearly 4 years since then, and nearly 3 years since we broke up and stopped talking, and still, i think about her almost every day. i’ve never known anyone like her; to me, she was love itself.

El: oh i’m in love with everyone that i know op!!! especially my girlfriend, of course ,but also my friends and my family and random people on the street and uh

Grace: i’ve met my soulmate and we plan on getting an apartment and marrying after college

A: I’m going to ask the woman I love to marry me and I just wanted to tell someone because I am so excited

Jeremy: you ever have that feeling where basically after years of denying that someone couldnt understand you in a way or love you and then the next thing you know you happen to find that person and its just great from then on out? idk how to explain it anyways I love my boyfriend so much he means the world to me

Lucy: i am so happy i have found the one i love

to descriptions of best friends and favorite people:

Nightbyrd: Love is a hug from an alzheimer's patient who hasn't the foggiest idea who you are, but they know you're worth hugging.

H: I have been doing so much yoga with my roommate recently!! It's a great way to center my mind for an hour

Riv: [platonic] i’ve literally never met anyone who understands me in the way that my best friends do. they’re literally the best people in the whole world and i genuinely don’t know what i’d do without them. i love them with my whole heart

Cillian: when i talk about how much i love my best friend i get so teary eyed because i cant believe that such a genuinely wonderful person wants to speak to me every day - i care for her more than anyone else on this planet

O: my two besties are my sources of happiness and they’re so pretty i would die for them :D

to beautiful quotes:

Kai: "you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." DARCYYYY PLS MY HEART CANT HANDLW THIS PAIN

Dorian: When the plane went down in San Francisco, I thought of my friend M. He’s obsessed with plane crashes. He memorizes the wrecked metal details, ____the clear cool skies cut by black scars of smoke. Once, while driving, he told me about all the crashes: The one in blue Kentucky, in yellow Iowa. How people go on, and how people don’t. It was almost a year before I learned that his brother was a pilot. I can’t help it, I love the way men love. (accident report in the tall, tall weeds- ada limon, bright dead things)

Adam: every day I think about lemony snicket I will love you if I never see you again I will love you if I see you every Tuesday or however it goes. and it KILLS ME. love only fits in small things

Hero: “Your heart beats in my ribs and mine in yours, and both in God’s… The divine magnet is in you, and my magnet responds.” - Herman Melville to Nathaniel Hawthorne

Mary: "Love is watching someone die."

Alex: "meet me at blue diner, i'll take coffee and talk about nothing baby"

Sparrow: "How dare you love me like you've never known fear?" and "For you, the world," and "Darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades," and "Will you start where I end?"

V: " You want to die for love. You always have. " and "someone will remember us, I say, even in another time" are living rent free in my mind 24/7 and I'm shaking. When will I finally be not the only one falling ?

Sahar K: To love another person is to see the face of god!!!

Miriam: all the love in the world is useless when there is total lack of understanding- kafka

Juls: Don’t you think they are maybe the same? Love and attention

to practices of love:

Leo; i love feeling happy bc somebody that i love is happy and comfortable....like its not about me i just love seeing you smile. we are safe together...idk i just feel it bro

A: I like to think love is leaning on each other during the light or dark days. Its a personal mission of mine to find out who I am and what I want. Yet I never seem to find my place in this world and as I look and look , I realise the only place I can be myself even with or without the efforts to find myself was done on that day or not, I am always tired so shall I lean on you? And you can lean on me as well. I shall be your fig tree and you shall be my favourite willow tree.

L: It's too late at night to be soul searching, but it's a journey we all seem to find ourselves on these days.

Anthi: feeling safe and at home, I guess (also I love frogs)

Julia: ive found that loving someone is like becoming your own thesaurus. you have to find or come up with infinite ways to say, you’re beautiful, or, i love you. it’s a gift

Galexies: ive been writing letters to the person i'd love one day since i was 14. i write them in a little journal usually, but i've been digitizing them into emails and sending them to one account that i'll give to them someday. i'd like to put pictures, but i haven't been outside much recently so theres that. i wonder if they'd like the sunsets i have on file, or if they'd find my cat cute in a bowtie.

Caeles: Love is sharing fruit slices and making someone tea at random

Dundy: Love is sending your friends cursed shit and watching them react in horror

to crushes and potential loves: 

Jess: I have a crush on my roommate. It sucks, but it's also wonderful. I get to be around him all the time when we're at school. we share a life together; it's rather domestic. I think a lot about marrying him and being domestic with him forever. It won't happen, and I'll move on eventually, but I'll be happy with him for as long as I can. I hope you feel loved tonight, because you are. Sleep well.

Aki: I so desperately want to believe that love is fake because I’ve seen what happens when loved ones leave but whenever I start to convince myself that I’ll never love anyone my best friend messages me telling me she loves me. She’s the only person I’ve ever pictured having a future with but love scares me and I don’t really know what to do but I think as long as she’s with me in some way, I’ll be fine

Hi: her her i keep thinking abt her.... gonna see her in 8 days or so i really miss her. its ok if shes never gonna love me like i want her to really being her friend spending time with her makes me the happiest girl on earth.... outsold antidepressants

Kit: this guy i have a crush on has hypnotically dark brown eyes and he's wonderful and shows me kindness like no one else

Juno: my crush has all the stars in his eyes

Mads: When I have the courage to meet my eyes with hers, the world stands still

Be Nice To Me: Look bro I never do these but I am yearning to hold them SO badly right now and someone needs to know it besides me

to the trials of love: 

Pppppp: I just wanna love like from the movies and what I read about.. but everyone tells me that that’s fictional and rare to find in the real world and it sucks bc it seems like all the guys I’ve met are terrible and the norms of society are all about not respecting women and uthdjdjdk

Manny: I have been in love before and I will be again but I’m not now and I miss it

Ok: I don't think I've ever been in love, though I love many people. I am waiting for the day I look at someone and can say, YES. IT'S YOU.

Chloe: idk rn i'm like okay with my love and i'm happy so we'll see i'm just a little cautious rn bc my last partner told me i didn't know how to love

L: love is so fucking complicated I don't even know where to start

Corrin: He’s not real and it worried me that I will never allow myself to live or be loved because I will always be waiting for him

Sean: Good luck it dont exist

Serena: i want 2 b in love :(( </3

13: I don’t know anymore

M: I just really don’t like dealing with it lol

to beloved characters: 

Janaya: I’m madly in love with my comfort and kin character and I hope maybe in the afterlife I can relive a life with him in some sort of dimension

Jhgjdf: when i was a kid i had a crush on ash ketchum from pokemon and id always daydream about being a female pkmn trainer and meeting him and we fall in love

to advice and prose: 

Mikolai: Love is earth, gentle and soft at first flight but upon being broken, drowns you in the dry choking wastes of its consequences...

Thex: Your hands will not go cold without someone to hold them. I am here. I will be here.

Kat: it is the nearest proof to god that i find myself surrounded by people who love in a way that complements so wonderfully the way i love

H: believe in love out of spite believe in love to prove everyone wrong believe in love because you were told not to and we will not do what we’re told anymore believe in love because it’s the strongest act of teenage rebellion we have left believe in love because it’s easier not to and when is easy worth doing? believe in love because everything says otherwise but you are untouchable, you are your own, you are not made by their design believe in love because, perhaps, you are love

Ali: I used to want a kind of love that feels like coming home and now I want nothing more than to be away from home on many different adventures

Em: you dont need to love yourself to accept it from others

to the small, the simple, and the sweet:

Ireal: Poems

O: Flowers

Fay: ah im sorry that i’m feeling unmotivated but you are very kind.

Ad: we love LOVE

A: <3

Isak: small things

H: intense

Hey: Listening to a clock ticking away

S: her

E: <3

Hania: Amorous, I adore that word ^^

Catboy: wholesome

J: i love love so much it hurts

Emmy: hi i love the song darkest of discos!! try and give it a listen!! <3

Nora: Love is painful, but most of the time love is great

Ariel: i like the comfort it can bring

M: i love love

to food!

Cool Whip: Matzoh ball soup!!

Woop: I love sausages.... I hope that's ok with you?

and animals too <3

Nee: hmm i have pet geckos and i love them very much!

96: raccoons ????

DJ Big Penis: cats

:3: I Love frogs,,, love is stored in the frog,,,

I hope that this serves as a sweet compilation of what love means! Love to all of you, it warms my heart so much to hear about your people and your geckos and your characters and soup and all the songs and quotes you love. <3 Strength to all of you who are figuring out to do about your feelings for your crush, and congratulations to you who are proposing or moving in with your person! Your words are a source of light to me, truly.

[sunsinrinn]

Secrets Part 9.

Bakugo x reader, Bakugo x Uraraka, Kirishima x Reader

Fluff- ish, language, angst

Word Count: 1,487

Idea: Y/n has a secret to share with bakugo not expecting a secret from him. She leaves heart broken and attempts to move on. But how will she move on if her secret can no longer be hidden? She fakes a relationship hoping its enough to not expose the true origin of the secret. (This is a terrible summary but I cant say much without spoiling future parts. 🙃)

‘It’s my child...’ he kept thinking after he rushes to his room. He was a dad! He was quick to be happy but it disappears when he remembers you hid it from him for almost eight fucking months. Honestly how no one else but him was suspicious about you being bigger than what a normal 5 month pregnant woman looks like.

“Can’t fucking believe she lied for that long” he says out loud to himself.

You and kiri are finished talking and walk to your room. Before you go to your room you knock softly on Bakugo’s door and wait for his response.

He freezes when he hears the knock and stays quiet still pissed at you. You don’t hear a response so you say loud enough, “Good night Bakugo...” You look at the door a bit sadly but walk away to find kirishima waiting for you in bed smiling softly at you.

“Come on baby, lets go to bed so you and my baby can rest.” He says and you smile.

“Alright kiri-babe” You walk over to him.

“Kiri...”

He shifts to face you once your in bed.

“Yes?”

“Do you think I should tell Bakugo he is the baby’s real dad?”

Kiri stays quiet thinking about it for a while before finally answering,

“I don’t know babe, the answer is honestly up to you because after all you are the one carrying the baby.”

You chew you lip thinking about it. “I just- just don’t want that to change anything between us.”

“It won’t baby, we will just have to adjust to having Bakugo as a part of our family we are creating. I won’t rob him from being a father. No, I can be a second dad” he looks at you and gives you the most loving smile you’ve ever seen.

You look at him and smile. “I am so lucky to have you Kiri.”

Bakugo lays there in the dark unable to sleep. How will he fucking confirm that the baby you are carrying is his? Why did you lie? Then he remembers the day you caught him with the girl we shall not name, he remembers seeing a gift bag that was white but had blue and pink tissue.. No- you were going to tell him then! He cannot believe he did that on that day. The day was supposed to be special to you, but he ruined it with his infidelity. Without realizing it hot and angry tears spill.

The next morning he avoids the both of you by leaving early to work.

As you finish making breakfast you ask Kirishima to wake Bakugo up so he goes but returns a while after empty handed.

“Where’s Bakugo?” You ask him

“He wasn’t in the room. I think he may have gone early to work.” He says unsure so he texts him just in case.

Both of you sit down and eat when Kirishima finally gets a short answer back

‘At work. Left early.’

You frown and finish your food, “Do you think he will get hungry?”

Kirishima nods, “Yeah... he will probably forget to eat.”

And as if it were a silent agreement, a couple of hours after breakfast you both begin to pack him a bento box for lunch and find yourself heading to his agency.

None of you speak about what you do and it seems like a natural thing to do. You confuse yourself because, ‘Why DF are you packing his lunch and walking over to his agency like a wife and why the hell is your boyfriend helping you.’

You stop thinking to much into it, because honestly? You were afraid of the answer.

When you find yourself at the entrance of Bakugo’s agency you stop along with Kirishima and both take a breath in before entering. It had been a really long time since you last went in there. You look around and tighten your grip on Bakugo’s bento and kirishima’s hand when the secretary asks you in a cheery voice,

“Hi! How can I Help you today?”

Kirishima speaks up since you are unable to speak,

“Hey, we are looking for Ground Zero?”

“Ah yes! He is currently in his office doing some paper work. Would you like me to tell him to come down?”

“No, we can walk up there” He smiles at her and leads you to the elevator.

“You okay y/n?”

You nod, “Y-yeah, its been a while since I was last here.”

He nods, “I understand”

As the elevator makes it to Bakugo’s floor you both get out and walk to his door. Kirishima and you knock at the same time and wait for his response.

“WHAT DO YOU EXTRAS WANT?”

“Um. Its Y/N and I” Kirishima answers.

You hear shuffling and step back when the door flies open.

“What are you both doing here?” He asks suspiciously.

You raise the bento box up and say,

“We brought you a bento, we were afraid you might not eat so we made one for you” You smile shyly. ‘WHY DF are you acting shy’ you think

Bakugo looks taken aback but grabs the box mumbling, “Thank you”

“What was that?” Kirishima asks with a grin on his face

“I said thank you shitty hair!” He says louder and annoyed

Kirishima just laughs and pushes past Bakugo to lounge on his couch he has in his office.

You blush at Kirishima’s actions and quickly say,

“I’m so sorry about Kirishima... Kirishima! Get up-“

“No, no its fine... Do you want to come in as well?” Bakugo says looking at the floor blushing.

You stammer, “Y-yeah, sure.” You walk inside as Bakugo moves out the way and stand there awkwardly. Bakugo walks back to his desk and sees you standing.

“Kirishima- move out the way and let Y/N sit you dumbass!” Kirishima looks at you and instantly sits up so you can sit and pats on the empty space.

“Come on baby, sit down”

You continue to blush and quietly shuffle to Kirishima.

Bakugo is about to eat when he notices neither of you have food.

“You guys didn’t bring any for yourselves?” He asks startling you.

“UH- no we didn’t...”

He grunts before pushing it towards both of you.

“Bakugo, we brought the food for you!” Kirishima says

“No, you guys will share with me then.”

“Bakugo, seriously we made it for you. So you wouldn’t get hungry, not to share.”

“Y/N.” He says in a stern voice, “You’re pregnant. You have to eat.”

You gulp and lie, “Kirishima and I already ate,”

“No we-“ you interrupt kirishima by pinching his side, “No, we really did eat before we came here” he rubs his side and glares at you and you glare back.

“You’re both lying.” He says and puches the box further.

You sigh and grab a small bite and push it towards Kirishima. He also eats a small bite and pushes it to Bakugo.

After swallowing the food you speak up, “There we ate. Now you eat.”

“Fine.” He grumbles, “But next time you guys come bring food for yourselves too.”

Kirishima has a big grin when Bakugo says next time and you just blush.

Deep down you begin to feel your heart flutter at his words and freeze. No no no no no. Oh god please no...

Kirishima looks at you and notices you look conflicted, “Is everything okay, babe?”

You jump and nod, “yeah, yeah” oh no. You can’t be falling for Bakugo.... No you love Kirishima! There is no way you like both.

Bakugo looks at the interaction you both have and frowns slightly. The two people he loves are together and he should be happy they are happy with each other but he isn’t.

‘Well shit, look at you in love with two people who don’t love you, just pity you.’ He thinks to himself as he remembers you lying about the baby and looks at his bento box while eating it in order to avoid anymore of your interactions.

After Bakugo finishes his lunch, you and kirishima say good bye to him and head out. You Both are silent on the way home knowing there was something you both needed to talk about. Once you get home you grab something small to eat and sit down in the living room. Kirishima sits beside you in an uncomfortable silence. That lunch with Bakugo really changed something.

You stay in silence before taking a deep breath

“We should talk” you both say in unison.

You look at each other and chuckle nervously.

“You go first” you both say again.

You take a deep breath.

“We should talk about this Bakugo situation... and I have something to say about that...”

“I was going to say the same thing. You tell me first.” He says shakily.

You look sad and take another deep breath.

“I think I still love Bakugo.”

SERIES MASTERLIST — Part 10

A/N- sorry I didn’t post yesterday lol, I was busy procrastinating on tiktok avoiding my college work. Hehe. Anyways I hope you guys enjoy this new chapter and tell me what you think.

If you’d like to be tagged in future parts or future works dont hesitate to dm, ask, or comment! I hope you guys had a lovely day today! Also if you asked to be tagged and I didnt tag you send me a dm so I can fix it :)

Secrets taglist- @hero-ink-pillar , @silentw-lkr , @ushiwakatrash , @purple-rabanito , @chaelysian , @puppycat714 , @fake-id-69 , @adaydreaminganon , @jessie9008 , @sam-i-am-1025 , @purple--nebula , @curiouslilbeast , @httpswwwtbhkcom , @setup-the-ace , @kit-kat428 , @thatonefangirl722 , @fxirylightsx , @katsuki-bakubae , @sakurakatsuki

[arthurflecksgirl]

Doctor of laughter /Arthurs POV

This is my version of the scene at the childrens hospital and the scene in the phone booth/ Arthurs POV

Doctor of laughter

Name: Dr Arthur

Department: Laughology

Speciality: Baloons

Ironic when you think about it. If not even funny.

They call me doctor of laughter here. Not knowing that I needed to visit the doctors because of my laughter for so many times in my not so funny life. Or maybe it was funny, if you have a really dark sense of humor.

But well, those kids here in the cancer ward don`t know about this and I`m glad they don`t. They shouldnt know that Dr Arthur is more of a patient himself as he is a doctor. My work name as a partyclown is Carnival but the guy who printed my card just used my real name which is also fine because it always melts my heart when one of the kids calls me Dr Arthur. It just feels so personal and makes me feel needed. Like I`m truly fulfilling my purpose here. Maybe I didnt managed to bring laughter and joy to this world, not even to Gotham but here in this hospital room the magic is happening. I`m the man I want to be. Here in this small room, filled with these kids who know what suffering and lonelyness means I can do something right. Here in this ward I`m living my dream. Making people happy. The kids just know and feel that this is who I am and why I am here for. they feel it. And they need to feel it because they need a moment of happiness just as much as I do.

I look at their faces and you can tell that they have been through so much. I just want to give them a glimpse of joy. Even if its not inside of myself, especially because it isnt. But seeing them smile, even for just a second makes me think that I felt it too. For a small moment there was this  glimmer inside. The taste of doing something that has a purpose.

I wonder how many of them are lonely. Not just now here at the hospital but when they`re at home. I wonder if any of those kids feels missunderstood or left  by their parents like I did. Or worse. I wonder if any of them will come up to me some day and say "Dr Arthur. I need someone to talk to."

I look at their faces and wonder if they are loved by their families. And I hope they are, wondering how they will feel when they`re back home. Some days in my life, I felt saver in a hospital bed. Which tells so much about life at home. I hope none of those kids feels better here than with their families. I look at each one of the faces. Trying to take a look behind the tiredness that comes with the chemo. Do they look like they areren`t loved by their family? How did I look as a kid? Could you tell?

I love the way they look at me while I am doing my little performance to "If you happy when you know it". It is so much easier to make kids smile. I`d love to have kids myself one day. I´ll be the clown daddy. Just imagin my child`s friends would go "What your daddy is a clown? For real? Thats so cool! He should come visit us on our birthday!" And of course I would be there and do their make up so all kids on the party would be clowns and thats just too adorable to think of.

Yeah I sometimes do dream about this, but thats another story. I dont think I will be a dad in the near future. But maybe I could be something close to a dad to Sophies daughter Gigi.

"If you happy and you know it wiggle your ears" I touch my ears and move my lips to the music that plays from the cassette player . Sometimes I also sing along for real because I couldnt help it. I have a thing for singing and dancing. Some of the kids touch their ears too. Some others sing the lyrics. And some are just too shy or weak to do more than just sit and watch. I try my best to look at everyone of them. No child should feel left out. Thats another really important thing for me,too. To not let any kid feel ignored. Ignorance is hell and I dont want to do this to anyone. Imagin there is this one really shy kid in the corner and you almost didnt notice because you are distracted by the other kids who are closer to you, singing. And the next night this kid might lie awake in the hospital bed, wondering why Dr Arthur, the friendly clown wouldnt even look him or her in the eyes. I just cant stand this thought. So I look at each one of them every single time. Try to animate them. I wanna be a good memory.

"If you happy and you know it and you really wanna show it...."

The word happy can be a trigger for me. Because thats the name my mum gave to me. The most unfit name in the world.

"....if your happy and you know it wiggle your ears" I turn to the kid sitting on the chair beside me and knee down. The doctor standing by the window is looking at the kids face. I guess it feels good to her to see the kid smile, finally. It made her grin too.

This makes me feel energetic like, I really get lost in my little dance for a second. Wearing the white  hospital clothes felt weird in the beggining. They reminded me of Arkham and I asked the doctors if I really have to put them on. But they explained to me that this has a good effect on the kids.They feel like I am one of them when wearing the same clothes and I coudnt say no to that.

"If you`re happy and you know it stomp your feet...." I turn to the other side, spinning around, lift my hands up in the air. Even the other doctor has joined singing. This job is the only thing in my life that I dont hate.

".....If your happy and you know it and you really want to show it , if you happy and you know it stomp your feet."

I do. I do stomp my feet. Forgetting that I keep the gun under my clothes.

It makes a noise falling right to my feet. My reaction is fast. A high pitched scream is escaping my red painted lips. I remember this trick when comedians try to pick something up and it just keeps slipping away. Maybe I can make it look like a part o my act.

This wasnt planned or was it? Is there any chance I thought this would be funny when I left the house to go to work? Why did it fell out so easily? I can`t remember. But it surely doesnt feel good now.

Anyway, I pick up the gun and hide it under the hospital clothes, acting like I`m a bit embarrassed but gigglelish about what happened. I press my index finger to my lips and chuckle. Most of the kids look more than surprised, but then there is this lttle girl standing right in front of me is forming her hand to a gun and points it at me. I really like her.

Half an hour later I find myself in a phone booth taking to my chef. No good news are on the way.

"Hoyt, please! I love this job!"

I mean this as I say it. This job is important to me. Its a motivation after waking up. Knowing that there are sad faced kids I can make laugh again. I even try to ignore my workmates bullying me and all. I just want to go to hospitals and kids partys and be Dr Arthur or the birthday surprise. He cannot take this away from me. I hope he is bying my lie of the gun being fake. I wish Randall wouldnt have given it to me in the first place. I just knew that this is not going to end well. Why did he do this to me? Is this what he intended? Was this Randalls plan all along? Getting me fired by knowing that something would happen involving the gun?

Hoyt asks me why I brought a gun into the kids hospital and I explain to him that its a prob, a part of my act now. he doesnt belive me, raises his voice. "Thats bullshit, bullshit. What kinda clown carries a fucking gun? Besides Randall told me you tried to buy a 38 off him last week."

I knew it. I just knew there was something up with Randall giving me his gun. Him claiming I tried to buy it off him is proof enough. Its all lies. All lies. As if I would have wanted this damn thing. I told him I`m not supposed to have a gun and he still gave it to me, claiming to be worried about me being attacked out on the steets.  Nice try, Randall. I bet you hoped I would kill myself with it by accident. But losing my job is just as good for you. Now you dont have to deal with my laughter anymore.

"Randall told you that?"

I cant belive this is happening right now. I cant belive he is beliving in Randalls words instead of what I am trying to tell him.

"You`re a fuck up, Arthur. And a liar. You`re fired!"

Hoyt hangs up the phone.

This is a nightmare.  The only good thing I had in my life just ended.

I put my head to the cold glass of the phone booth and bang my forehead against it. The glass is cracking. I know there is a sharp pain but I can`t even feel it.

[ghoestys]

i’m literally pulling this out of my ass so if there are errors and stuff doesnt make sense then please myob and pretend like u understand what im saying im trying to do this before i get caught not doing hw he comes at 6 n its 5:43 rn 

statistics

full name: suzy nora yoon nickname(s): su, suz (pronounced like snooze without the n)  age: twenty three date of birth: tba! hometown: tba! gender: cis female religion: athiest sexuality: bisexual hair colour: black/dark brown eye colour: brown height: 5'5″ tattoos: tba! piercings: tba!

prompt + blackmail

a member of the yale's elite, they're twenty-three and a senior undergrad student majoring in aviation engineering. they are as gregarious as they are aimless.

TW DRUGS!  1. to pay for yale's very expensive tuitition, suzy sells weed that's both fake and real, depending on who is buying and if she likes them. she's not a good seller, though, so this hasn't been the best form of income for her. 2. got accepted into the aviation engineering program, but suzy can't complete her homework without the help of drugs to keep her mind focused and creative enough to understand the problems

about 

family/upbringing/childhood/wtvr

so! literally pulling this out of my ass and making things up as i go! suzy was born in a family with her parents (mom & dad), her older sister, and her older brother. the family was strictly middle class and her parents and siblings were very hardworking. her siblings were good at what they did and they excelled in their academics because they tried hard and all that stuff!

growing up, suzy followed her siblings and her parents and was basically a gifted child from the very start. elementary and middle school was not hard for her and she was in all the advanced and gifted programs. the family was calm and there wasn’t anything drastic that removed the peace or caused any disruption at all. like. they were just chillin. 

i think suzy had an average relationship with her parents. they were still asian, so like... it’s as good as it was going to get. she was somewhat close to her siblings, but seeing as they were 5/8 years older than her, the age gap wasn’t that welcoming to the baby of the family. she was kinda just.. having fun on her own being smart n shit. 

anyways! high school! where all gifted kids literally come to die! due to her shit from elem & middle school, she was offered a full ride scholarship to some prestigious school and as asian parents, they were NOT going to reject that free ride to a school that would help ensure suzy’s success in the future. she went from being one of the smartest kids to being another burnt out gift child and high school was fucking ROUGH! 

bitch really had a fucking crisis and burned the fuck out. her not being the smartest bitch anymore literally killed everything in her and she just stopped being that. she met people and what do u know! got into the wrong crowd where drugs and alcohol was everyones bff! 

she got into that pretty heavily by sophomore year i would say. she was just. yea. 

i mean. she was burnt out  but her grades were still fine if u saw them. studying isnt hard for suzy and shes pretty smart, but she wasn’t at the very top of her class anymore and thats what killed her. instead of having straight a’s, suzy was getting b’s and a few c’s. in a family where anything other than an a was acceptable it really just killed suzy some more 

anyways! drugs and alcohol! made her feel good so she did it. she found that weed was the best thing as well as some tranquilizers/anything that relaxed her essentially. she just liked the feeling of floating n not caring or feeling any pressure like. she wanted to b in her own world n shit. 

college/the elites

after graduating high school, she didnt apply to college right away because honestly? drugs and alcohol and a bitch didnt care by her senior year. her grades were not the best and while she couldve gotten into college, she literally had no interest for college and her parents at this point baiscally disowned her so like? who the fuck is gonna pay for her college??

her work ethic is the worst bc shes so careless like. bitch had a shift from 1-7pm and showed up at 5 because she literally didnt feel bothered enough to show up.

anyways a year or so after graduating high school (idk the math rn) she got really high off something and just. did a whole ass application to yale bc she decided to apply for the shits n giggles. wrote a fake letter of recommendation, wrote killer essay and personal reflection shit or wtvr, and even submitted the application with an attached document of her outlining an entire airplane that wouldve been fully functional except for a few tweaks n shit that was needed

she some how got in from that (this is fake this would probs not b real <3 teehee) and bc she was now accepted and going to yale (she accepted high aha a theme for her), she had to think about how to fund for this shit so she decided to get into drug dealing!

which is honestly. not going good like a bitch again has poor work ethics so her as a drug dealer is so.... she literally got into it bc of euphoria bc it looked easy but doing it... is not easy at all but its her only form of funding so she’s doing it. kinda. loosely. please fire her. 

idk where to put this but. suzy is kinda like that girl from the queens gambit where she feels like she needs drugs to function so like she ditches class but she’ll do all her assignments nicely bc she thinks the drugs give her superpowers to b smart n at the top of her academic class again

when shes under the influence of anything she feels like she can function more or like her life is just... better when shes not sober and ull rarely really see her sober like shes usually just on something 

idk where the post is rn bc im too lazy to look for it bc i jsut got a text that he was coming now but!!! its the tweet where a guy was drunk n drew up an entire blue print of an airplane and that is literally fucking suzy i swear to god 

when shes high she’s like the smartest bitch around (shes smart without drugs but doesnt believe that) and can build airplanes n blueprints n solve maths n wtvrs

suzy is truly an asian stem bitch and the sciences and math is where she excels the most!!!! probs won awards n competitions for math and science but doesnt really acknowledge that much becase like... its just not something shes focused on

got into the elites by just making a blueprint of a plane from scratch infront of the twins like. legit just went infront of them, started making the blueprint from scratch to finish n gave it to  them saying here is a blueprint for a new private plane u guys can build for urselves 

personality 

personality wise she is very friendly n goofy n chill n chaotic 

literally a dumbass n honestly really annoying just ask orion 

shes just a stoner having fun doing her life n not really caring about anything like. how she made it to senior year who the fuck knows i really  dont honestly

i think the main way to describe her is bimbo like thats it 

not really into sharing her life and is more of a listener than a talker when it comes to conversations that are genuinely deep and personal. she will not talk to u about her problems and insecurities seriously (maybe she’ll do it in a self deprecating way) unless she trusts u w her life. otherwsie she will keep it to herself n prays that her stoner part will make people believe shes just chillin w no problems

when it comes to conversations about  nonsense n fake deep shit like what is air then suzy will not shut the fuck up like if u wanna talk to someone about nonsense then suzy is truly ur bitch like. a bitch can fucking talk 

doesnt mind being alone bc she has fun on her own but she prefers company more bc she likes having fun and having someone to accompany wtvr she does. whether its for smoking/drinking or hanging out but also just for like... going to class if she chooses to attend and doing everyday errands like groceries or wtvr. she doesnt really do groceries tho bc she just steals orions fodo but when she does choose to go she likes having people with her :) 

she doesnt have a passion for anything bc she doesnt dream of labor but the closest thing about b making airplanes or helicopters like. blueprints  come easy to her n she enjoys making them bc she feels like shes actually capable of something bc shes aware that making them isnt something everyone can do 

u can treat her like a dumbass n she wont call u on it even tho shes kinda smart bc she feels like shes a dumbass

most likely has bad self esteem and feels like a failure but uses drugs n alcohol to ignore that feeling :) 

probs the least judgemental person ull ever meet bc she really doesnt care about what u do like. she hears the secrets getting outted n she doesnt care there r high chances that she’ll still look at u the same way

[dovewingz]

good question!!!! i dont know

ok im kidding... sort of. 

at that point, the dark forest would’ve created 2-3 fake signs already that were “interpreted” by mothwing and that would’ve directly caused Something Bad to happen to the clans (nothing major, mothwing would not let the clan(s) be in any real danger, but enough to get some cats wondering why starclan keeps hurting them). 

during part of power of three + especially omen of the stars, cloudtail (and mothwing, sometimes) would’ve been kinda insulting/complaining about things in relation to starclan (more than usual). just questioning little things in the system. getting cats uneasy, getting them to question the system as well. (this idea was NOT tigerstar’s. he was def like “we should kill someone and then blame it on starclan!” and every1 else was like “no u idiot” and someone like mapleshade suggested the starting with small things idea)

ANYWAYS blah blah blah. the dark forest attacks starclan in starclan territory

there are lots of little things that affect starclan negatively in the battle... 

> living cats who just. couldn’t fuckin get to starclan cause they couldn’t fall asleep lol f

> mothwing and cloudtail’s supporters, who think that, yeah! the system does suck wtf starclan!

> those who were persuaded by the fake signs too

> trainees on dark forest’s side (which. remain the same... redwillow, breezepelt and possibly antpelt) 

> the starclan rebels and their whole existence obv lol 

alsooo some stuff that happens during the battle

> cats seeing kits in the dark forest and not wanting to fight them bc either a) they are still kits or b) they recognise them (like snowkit/tuft and mosskit/heart, for example)

> certain dark forest warriors refusing to attack living cats and only attacking starclan, which is Confusing to many

> mothwing and cloudtail straight up being like “they are DUMB DEAD CATS why are we fighting for them”

WOO OKAY SOO

as the battle goes on, more n more cats stop fighting or switch sides. 

just like in canon, ivypool faces hawkfrost, but he refuses to attack her. she’s a living cat, shes not the enemy. then, hollyleaf attacks him but this time its out of Genuine Fury rather than her protecting ivy. theres one of those overdramatic “kill me i dare u” scenes. hawk is probably just like tells her that even if she kills him she’ll still go to starclan after all ASHFUR is in starclan.

and bam boom chaos descends bc obviously, hollyleaf doesn’t think that ashfur deserves to be in starclan (shes right but whatever anyways). hollyleaf says he’s bullshitting but he swears he isn’t. hollyleaf and ivypool begin to doubt the system too now. 

i.... don’t know what happens after this. HOWEVER i do know it would be Very Cool if firestar himself switches sides and he and tigerstar fight side by side, not enemies for once, and defeat starclan. but. im not sure how possible that idea is

cool cool cool so this story has a Happy Ending. starclan is defeated!!!!!! oh heck yes. they find the root of the problem and i’d like to say the og leaders are like gods or something and theyve been twisting this Evil plan from the beginning cause thats funkyyy but who knows what i’ll do? i dont 

oh also. one last THING. since i headcanon that both the dark forest and starclan keep their wounds once they die (in different ways, tho, df is more gruesome), after stc is defeated, the dark forest cats’ wounds fade. like completely. theyre not longer the “”evil”” enemies of starclan, and theyre not... well, starclan cats, either. they become something else, something better, something good. so they dont have post-dead wounds anymore

that was a mess. 

one day i will return with a better plot and more thought out ideas, i swear.

[daira-talks]

SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO FEEL CARED FOR...

This morning I went to my room, almost crying and no one noticed, it felt bad but at the same time good cause it ment that I was so good at disguise and faking and acting that it came so natural, they didnt even notice. But at the same time it hurts, it hurts when no one notices, even if its not there fault.

I just want to feel cared for cause even then, I always notice when someone leaves the room and why they do, it might be because I care for them or because all those years of faking, manipulating and hiding from the truth made me so good at reading people, but yet I can never tell when they're proud of me or when they aren't focusing on me as my brothers shadow, how can I glow when I am only seen as shade? as darkness? How can I focus on the future or the now when I am constantly being chased and remember by my past? And how can I truly change when that is only judged by people who refuse to accept I have?

Because as much as I want to and as much as I've tried I've only ever wanted to be and feel cared for, because that is what makes me feel safe, that is what makes me feel at home but I cant feel it, I dont feel it where im supposed to, I only feel it in her arms, where they say its wrong and yet I dont understand how it could be so wrong and why they care so much if I am not doing any harm and they never cared anyway when I was "home" and "safe" when my mind was daring me -tempting me- to do something -anything- bad -harmful- to anyone -anything- why do they care so much about that when they dont care enough now to notice how much im hurting?

But maybe its not their fault, maybe once again I am to blame, maybe I am responsible for putting a blindfold on their faces whith all those fake similes that couldn't look anymore real, with all those fake sad goodbyes, and all those forced laughs that make it seem like thats just me. Maybe they dont know any better cause I didnt let them. I couldn't at the time, how could you blame me when all I did was powered by fear? but then again no one is blaming me and I am just trying to play the victim arent I? How pathetic right? Why can't I just take it?

I just want to feel cared for and maybe I am cared for but I fail to understand how and maybe I am just numb due to all the pain I've been through and this is just a self defense mechanism as all the other things I've done.

I'll try to convince myself I am cared for maybe not the way I would like it but I am cared for, maybe I dont feel it but I am cared for, and you are too. And if you think otherwise, I care for you and I am here to bring you comfort, I wrote this for you, so yes you are cared for, by me.

I care for you <3.

[thiswhatgodfeelslike]

a lot of kids right after highschool or even during highschool will start to experiment on drugs which is cool yeah okay, but you also never know how they will affect you until after you do them!! so its important to do research it really is. i tried psychedelics on impulse with my friends after working all night. so i come home around midnight, and me and 3 other people did it. I felt it coming an hour later. At first it was such a good experience. we were all laughing so hard we were crying. my friend ethan took his first about 30 min before us. He felt ot coming before us. As it was coming he kind of freaked out and started having a bad trip off the bat. I remember he was telling us, dont do this, throw up right now, you dont wanna feel like this, so that kind of freaked everyone one out. His brother was addicted to airduster and died in a car crash must i add. & so he lived through that and was trippin thinking he was being airlifted and literally gonna die. He called his mom but our trip setter said it was a buttdail and hung up LOL. Anyway after a couple hours he came out of that bad time and 'woke up' like nothing happened. Still trippin, he started talking about time and how everything is a loop and that its not real. I started to laugh, and then i was hysterically crying. My friend Bryce who wasnt on anything tried to help me. I asked if he would go upstairs with me because downstairs wasnt a good setting for me at that time. Upstairs, it was dark. He was trying to comfort me the best he could. I started seeing things. I already was seeing things and patterns. But i started seeing bad things. Bugs, all over the walls. Things crawling all over me. I was terrified. I finally ran out of the room and almost fell down the stairs on my way out because i was scared. I walked outside for a bit. It was beautiful and i felt at peace again. Its about 5am now and everyone was trying to sleep. Me and zack went upstairs to sleep in bryces bed. He fell asleep almost instantly, as did everyone else downstairs... no matter how hard i tried to sleep i couldnt. I closed my eyes and my momd took over so i tried to stay up for that reason. I was laying there looking at everything in the room, a stuffed plush turtle was on the bed and it started to swom around the room. I remember asking fairly loudly , can anyone here me.. is anyone awake... no answers. I was laying there in bed telling myself outloud, 'i am never doing this again. Hope- dont do this again. You know what you feel like right now and you dont want this. Please dont do this again'. Bryce had a bathroom in his bedroom so i took a journey there. And thats when i just looked at myself and my face was so disoriented. It was so weird. I dont know why i did, maybe i thought i would be sobered up if i seen some sort of 'reality'. I was there forever it seemed like. Just looking at myself and i didnt like what i saw. 8am rolls around and everyone wakes up. Their trip is over. I am still awake, 24ish hours at this point. Im still not here. I still see things. Every word i attempted to say just didnt sound right to me. I didnt feel like myself. I do believe i killed myself or whoever i was on the inside after that. We walk downstairs and ethan takes me & zack with him to get food. Walking outside, just looking around at what we think is reality. I didnt see it. There was no reality for me. We get im his truck and start driving. The world is so crazy and fake. Thats all i remember thinking. We got pulled over because i didnt have a seatbelt on. Talking to the cop was the biggest challenge i have faced i swear to god. I felt like he knew i wasnt really there. Like he knew i knew i am retarded and that reality isnt real. Anyway. I never paid that ticket.

1 year later

me and zack move out to a 1 bedroom apartment. Bryce, dion, and tim came over. They all wanted to do shrooms. Ofcourse i said no at first because i remember what i told myself out loud. And i knew i didnt want to expierence that again. I kept getting, cmon shrooms are way different, they wont be as strong. So i said ok. We took the shrooms and mixed them up with lemon juice and took a shot. I only did 3 grams. We drive around immediately after and they start to hit as we're driving. I was telling myself in my head, its okay. Its okay. Its okay. This is gonna be a good trip. We go to a park and walk around. Everything was so vivid and bright and so fucking beautiful. We're there for an hour or two. We smoke 2 blunts. It was fun. I liked it at the park. We go home early. A tiny one bedroom apartment with 5 people in it. As im walking up the apartment stairs i started to notice things that were entering my mind. It wasnt good. Call it an anxiety attack. But tripping. After sitting on the couch as long as i could i go to the bed and lay down. I get scared. So terrifed. Why am i thinking what im thinking. I try to act normal. I lay in bed alone and do what i would usually do. Then i asked myself what the FUCK would i usually do. I yelled for zack. He came. I started talking about so much but mainly what i was exactly thinking at that moment. I was saying everything that was entering my mind idk why but i was. " i want to kill myself " and that was fucking it. "Can you please shoot me i cant take this. This is too much i dont want to live here anymore i cant do this" maybe i was thinking that because i lied to myseld and i did it again. I did psychedelics again. After i begged myself to never do it. I threw up. After a couple hours in the bathroom trying to think of how i can possibly shoot my brains out because i couldnt take it. It was mental torture. I was already killing myself by doing the shrooms and i think i knew it deep down. anyway after some hours I layed down at 8pm and falling alseep was the hardest thing ever.. but i managed. I woke up the next day and let me tell you guys. I will never be the same. Its like, multiple illnesses seeped out from the depths and theyre with me every goddamn day. I feel the same urges and tendencies as i did when i freaked out. A simple stomach ache will trigger it. Sometimes weed will trigger it. Just dont fucking do psychedelics if you dont know anything about them, about yourself, or about family history of mental illnesses. I discovered too much for my own good and im stuck like this forever.

[sharksfood]

spoilers for Ralph Breaks the Internet (Wreck-It Ralph 2)

SO i was going to wait to record my thoughts on Ralph Breaks the Internet until after i finished my homework but i cant stop thinking about it!!!

anyways, I saw RBTI on Tuesday night in 3D and it was AMAZING!! i mean, both the movie by itself and how it looked in 3D. i loved that they put in a nod to those movies that took 3D to the fullest potential with stuff coming at you from the screen, when Ralph was throwing the football into the air.

BESIDES THAT i LOVED this movie!!!! i’m no negative nancy when it comes to sequels and i had been wanting a WIR followup since the first one came out!

but to get the biggest aspect out of the way, i was not always on board with the plot of Ralph and Vanellope going into the Internet. when I first heard the movie announcement and the whole Internet aspect it didn’t totally make sense to me. I mean, I originally thought the gang going into online games was a good mix between Internet and video games (since WIR revolves around video games). However I quickly changed my mind, especially since they WOULD be going into online/mobile games.

My initial reaction to the movie as a whole was EXTREMELY POSITIVE!!! I loved how the animation looked, the fact that we got an introduction on what Ralph, Vanellope, Felix, and Tammy (Calhoun) had been up to since the last movie, and that everything including the arcade had changed in basically real time. That last part was a bit sad too, especially with how few games were left in the arcade and that it seems business was not as good for Mr. Litwak as it used to be. BUT this movie, especially the beginning, was like catching up with an old friend after a long time apart! WIR means so much to me and I was so glad Disney took the time to connect to those who’d seen and loved the first movie.

I’ll admit I was a little nervous with how they’d handle the Internet, especially for a fictional universe thats based on the real one, like WIR. I knew they’d have to create fake websites and video games and what not to fit the plot and because of licensing rights. I’m also glad they did this because if Yesss were the algorithm for actual BuzzFeed or YouTube I don’t think they’d let anyone forget that. plus that would be too 4th wall breaking in my opinion. and this movie did A LOT or meta/4th wall stuff. I dont think any of the references or hints or real-world tie ins were annoying or over the top, it was the right amount for me. they could have made everything fictional, but that would fail to hook people. it was the right amount of fiction and real-life.

that being said, I do think some of the things Ralph, Vanellope, and Yesss accomplished couldn’t work in the real world. What bothered me is that any video of Ralph showed him as 3D, like how he looks in Sugar Rush or in the Game Central Station. Yes, that is how he looks “inside” the games and from other video game character’s perspective, but does that work for humans? Maybe it wasn’t explained very well, thats all. WIR is at times a little hard to wrap my head around. But then again, not everything needs to be explained or completely realistic, since, you know, video game characters are not able to coexist in each other’s games or buy stuff from Ebay.

the new characters was SO GOOD especially Yesss, Shank, and Knowsmore (to me anyways). I would have liked if the new characters had interacted with each other on screen more (like Yesss and Shank are friends but you wouldn’t know that without each of them saying so). also the Disney Princesses were adorable and actually more plot-related than i thought they’d be!

the biggest surprise for me is how much importance the movie gave to Vanellope for being a princess, i mean, she got a song and everything! To me she never gave her princessship much mind, since she only wanted to be a racer. by the end of the movie she was farther from being a princess than before. but i think this was intentional and why we got the scene with the other princesses in the first place, Disney wanted to show that there’s no one way to be a princess. obviously Pixar addressed this with Merida, and I think Moana is a good example, too, but Vanellope really is the least-princessy princess. I’m also glad that they didn’t make her song or voice too cute/pretty, it fit with her character, personality, and dream!

the part of this movie that my most impactful for me was the message and eventually plot structure of how Ralph and Vanellope’s friendship was addressed. WIR means a lot to me is many ways, but the fact that romance or blood family isnt the main relationship dynamic is huge.  I mean, I can’t think of many Disney/Pixar movies that do this, and even those that do, friendship is just a subplot. Ralph and Vanellope becoming friends, protecting one another, even in the face of their differences is one of the main messages of WIR (the other being self-acceptance and following your heart). RBTI took this further with the message of how friends can grow, drift apart, have difference dreams, become too attached, and build negative friendships based on anxieties. I’ve NEVER seen this in an animated movie, and it hit me pretty hard.

so with anxiety in mind, I really liked how Vanellope’s glitching was utilized, i mean since she now has a general control on it, she doesn’t glitch out as much. the only time she does in RBTI is when she wants to or when she’s super anxious. its almost like a physical symptom of her having a panic attack. (on a personal note, Vanellope’s glitching was the main thing that helped me get over my fear of glitch, so that relation to anxiety and fear is very meaningful to me) but Vanellope’s anxieties were very different from Ralph’s, which is good! they both struggled with being accepted within their games in the past, and part of that still lingers, though now, especially for Ralph, it manifests in anxiety over their friendship. I really like the direction that Disney/Pixar has taken with some of their movies recently in that the main antagonist is not a villain, but rather an emotion or conflict anthropomorphized.

as for the characters, Ralph and Vanellope were PERFECT. Vanellope is my favorite and she was just amazing. Their characters were the right amount of the same from the first movie and different, since there’s been 6 years for them to grow. I’m also really happy that Felix and Tammy were in RBTI, though I wish they were in it more. I mean, this was Ralph and Vanellope’s movie, but most of Tammy’s appearances were just for comedic affect, in my opinion. They also seemed way different, but I guess that’s marriage? It’s as if their character-specific dialogue and quirks were toned down. Maybe after a second viewing it’ll make more sense to me.

My only other complaints are that when Ralph accidentally finds the comment section of BuzzTube, his reaction and that whole scene didn’t add much to the story. I think it was important, especially given Ralph’s past, but it was so short. Ralph seemed to have forgotten all about it after the scene ended. The comments and toxic parts of the Internet play a much bigger role than that, so I wish it was addressed better. I also thought it was weird that we didn’t get any clear context as to why Mr. Litwak got Wifi in the first place. I mean, I assumed it was to get an online presence for the Arcade, but i don’t think that was actually addressed. Of course thats a minor thing compared to my previous comment. 

The last thing I noticed is that the main conflict of the movie, the steering wheel of Sugar Rush breaking and how they’d need to buy a new one or Sugar Rush would be gone for good, was introduced too soon. I think this was done because there was so much content to get through within 2 hours, and I know that the main premise was involving the Internet, so staying in the Arcade would defeat this purpose. It’s just that to me it all sort of fell into place a little too easy and fast. Also, Vanellope feeling trapped in a boring loop of her game and other feelings from the characters in the beginning were told rather than shown. I know already mentioned that I thought certain things weren’t “explained” well enough, but I mean that like, both visually and through dialogue. With the emotional parts of the movie’s conflicts, I think those developed well once Ralph and Vanellope got into the Internet, but it seemed “presented” almost at first. Again, I only saw it once and its not totally fresh in my mind anymore, so maybe after seeing it again it’ll clear this up.

okay so as for the aesthetic and animation of RBTI it was GORGEOUS!!! I love how Disney/Pixar can take things like the Internet or your brain (like in Inside Out) and turn them into working cities/structures that are creative and make sense! I really like that Pop Ups are maneuvered by sentient beings like street salespeople, since the feeling of online popups and ads is the same! Also, the Dark Web being the underbelly of the Internet “city” and all the avatars are dressed like theyre in Incognito mode is amazing. i also LOVED the viruses, since they looked like gross, scary, creepy fictional bugs or visual germs (they reminded me of Osmosis Jones in a way). How the viruses functioned, at least the Insecurity Virus, made sense for how I think most people imagine computer viruses to act. I honestly don’t know how that stuff happens, and I bet Disney knew most of their audiences dont either, so they took some artistic liberties with that in mind. But the virus was a clever plot device because it literally detected insecurities, both in that Ralph/Vanellope were insecure about their friendship, and neither of them “belonged” in the Internet.

ANOTHER THING is when Shank and her crew had to fight the Slaughter Race players, the distinction between player and NPC was clear and funny. It felt very GTA to me. How they handled Slaughter Race in general was great, since it was obviously a violent video game, but they didn’t tone it down too much to loose that feeling. I think it would’ve been cool to see cars and buildings “update” like they do in some games, too. OH the way that the Virus Ralphs joined together to make the Giant Ralph and that they kept moving to make the entire thing kinetic was SO CREEPY BUT COOL!!! that must have taken forever to animate.  I also noticed that on the Giant Ralph the little virus dudes were like laying down or posed a certain way to give the impression of different textures or colors on Giant Ralph, which is amazing!!! the filmmakers and animators paid so much care to the look and feel of this movie and it really paid off.

okay last few things before I forget: all of the main characters were great examples of positive and negative personality aspects that real people could reflect on. Ralph felt so much more openly emotional and body positive than in the first, which for a dude character is great!!  Vanellope has always been a great example of a girl who likes “tomboy” or “masculine” stuff but still likes cute and “girly” stuff (i mean she obviously wasn’t into the whole princess thing but she found her own way around it!). Felix and Tammy in RBTI were obviously an example on how married couples can still love each other just like the day they met! Did i mention how much I love Yesss? I love her SO MUCH!!! she wore a different outfit/hairstyle every time we saw her, she was fun and smart and over the course of the movie grows to actually care about Ralph and Vanellope beyond their Internet fame. the MUSIC was fantastic as always, and I love Imagine Dragon’s song and the Julia Michaels rendition of Vanellope’s song on Slaughter Race.

Just like the first one, this movie was funny, heartwarming, emotional, and really fun!! I hope it gets all the recognition and love it deserves. I can’t accurately say if I like this one of the previous better, since I’ve only seen it once. HOWEVER I ma really glad that Disney has made a lot of merch for RBTI since the first one got barely anything. All in all, I loved Ralph Breaks the Internet!!!!

P.S. Did yall see the after credits scene?

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

I never gave up on you, even when the world acted like it did.

So Im going to preface this with the fact this is about Damian Wayne and an Oc of mine that I ship with him that really only my girlfriend is going to fully understand. This is a DC oc that I haven posted anything about yet, only shared it with my girlfriend as I add to her and refine her. But I was greatly inspired by a fic written by @my-one-love-is-music about Tim faking his death. It gave me so many emotions and is the whole inspiration behind this piece of writing and I just had the urge to post it. Its a bit rough because its not beta’d or proofread by anyone(even me) because I’m publishing it right after finishing it but I hope you guys will like it anyway! 

My girlfriend is going to kill me for this...

I never gave up on you, even when the world acted like it did.

It wasn’t true. It COULDN’T be true.

Damian refused to accept or believe G...She was just...de--gone. 

No no she wasn’t gone. It didnt feel right. It wasnt right. She...she was too strong to just be taken down like that.

Damian refused. He wouldnt accept she was gone. 

That was the first week, the start of the first month of her “death”. While the team and the world grieved he vocally and aggressively denied it. His attitude concerned most, but no one approached him at first. 

        “ Everyone grieves differently...just leave him be for now you guys. He just needs time...” Grayson was the one who rationalized his denial, his tone low and almost dead. The voice of a man whose gone through a loved one’s death before...no...the voice of the boy who went through THIS particular loved one’s death before.

The concerns for Damian’s well being and mental health arose stronger after the first month of denial, when the obsessive behavior began.

She wasnt dead. She was alive, she HAD to be, she WAS alive.

Thats what Damian told himself, everyday as he obsessively searched for her. Every hint, every even slightest trace was poured over over and over and over for days on end. Something was off, he knew it he knew it goddammit!  Everything about it was off and wrong. She was too strong, the death was too sudden, they weren’t allowed to see the body...

He scoured over every single little detail of the mission, the time it happened, everything. He watched video surveillance frame by frame, second by second until his eyes stung and his vision was as blurry as some of the footage. He knew she was alive, he didnt care what everyone else said. They were wrong...

They had to be wrong.

His behavior, his refusal of her absence began starting arguments between Grayson and Kori. Damian acted out worse during missions, he refused to listen, and if he wasnt forced to go on missions or patrols he was locked away in his room searching and hunting for hints, clues, little trails she’d have left for him. But he knew of the arguments, arguments he heard when they thought he wasn’t there.

         “ Dick, his behavior isn’t healthy at all! He isnt listening at all anymore. He’s hurting himself with this obsession. Nothing I say makes a difference to him but he sees you as a brother, you have to do something, he’s spiraling into a dark state of mind thats not letting him move on!”

          “Kori...”

          “Dick you need to do something. This isn’t healthy it isn’t normal--”

          “ Kori I understand you’re worried. I’m worried about him too. But...I also understand what he’s going through...when...back when I first lost Gr--lost Her all those years ago...I was exactly like Damian is now. I didnt want to accept it, I refused to accept she was dead, even when she died in my arms Kori. I know that his obsession isnt healthy or even really helpful for him but I understand it. He’s in pain and distressed and angry and this unhealthy denial is natural. He just needs more time, some more supervised space, and understanding...” 

Damian walked away from that room before they noticed him, a small bubble of gratefulness in his chest at Grayson’s defense. But he was still angry.

She wasnt dead. How could even Grayson give up on her so easily?! 

He knew they thought he was going crazy by the middle of the second month, that he was seeing things that werent even there. At a person who wasnt there. 

The denial and obsession got worse. And with it so worsened his temper. 

They stopped speaking her name around him when he almost took off Beast Boy’s head with his sword for mentioning her name in a past tense. He forgot to eat a couple days at a time, he now outright refused to go on missions. He didnt understand. How could they go on these other pointless, unrelated missions when she was out there, alive and possibly in need of help. He started losing more and more sleep, time not spent searching filled with restless hours of nightmares. Of her, calling his name, of her lost and alone in a strange unfamiliar place, of her captured and tormented.

Those ones he’d wake up in a cold sweat and spend the rest of the night searching, sometimes waking up screaming with bangings and pleads to be let in on his locked door.

Damian knew she was out there. She was leaving him a trail, he just had to figure it out and follow it.

By the third month he looked like a train wreck with feet. He was exhausted, empty, and shakily staying awake on blinks of sleep and caffeine. But now he was leaving, constantly leaving his room and the tower to chase after leads and clues to find her. All over the city, all over towns outside the city. He marked each dead end on a map he pinned up to his wall so he didnt follow a wrong lead twice. He was haunted by ghosts of her presence, her laugh, her comments. The only reason he’d remember to eat was imagining her voice in the back of his mind

Damian look at you! You’re not gonna be a good Robin if you dont eat jerk. 

So he would eat and go back to his work. Even when his father broke his lock open and dragged him across country back to Gotham to get him away from the city it happened in.

       “Shes not dead Father. I know she’s not. Why wont any of you believe me?!”

       “ Damian....I know how much it hurts to lose someone...And I know you don’t want to believe it...but sometimes its better to accept reality and move on for them.” He caught the fist the young boy threw towards his stomach. He hadn’t properly trained in awhile, he was reckless and his reflexes had slowed since Kori had stopped him from locking himself in the training room without supervision, before he started finding leads.

      “ Damian...”

      “ She’s out there, She is still alive Father. I know she is. I dont care what you or Grayson or anyone else says. She is still alive and I will find her and bring her back, even if it ruins me.”

The middle of the third month was practically lived in the Batcave, using every new resource now available to him. He still went out and searched Gotham, searched towns and cities around it ruthlessly. Nothing really stopped him, from requests, orders, threats, even blocking and locking up exits after leaving for patrols. Damian still found his way out  and continued following lead after lead. He felt as if he was slowly going crazy, seeing glimpses of her in crowds or on streets. But every time he’d catch them it either wasnt here or she was gone by the time he caught up. 

But he didnt give up. He wouldnt give up on her like everyone else.

She never gave up on him, he refused to let her down by not doing the same.

Even as some nights doubts flooded his mind, clouding his resolve. 

Shes out there...she has to be....right? 

It was the fourth month. He was almost broken from exhaustion and on the verge of completely losing his mind when Grayson gently coaxed him from the Bat Cave to the Tower. He was so exhausted he didnt register the slight apologetic tilt to his worried frown, the almost guilty pleading light to his blue eyes. 

When they got to the Tower and Damian set his foot on the pavement he almost pulled out his sword and attacked Grayson on the spot if he had more of a mind to. His anger flared then swept itself away in the wave of emotions that struck him seeing the female figure standing beside Red Hood, looking at him with the small smile he’d almost forgotten.

     “ Damian...what the hell happened to you?” 

Her voice, low, shocked, concerned and alive was what snapped him into motion, storming over to the two with an enraged look of death. 

Her dark hair was longer now, starting to lightly brush her shoulders instead of her ends of her ears. She’d lost a little weight and she was dressed differently than she normally would. But those aqua green eyes were still the same he remembered, eyes dark with concern at his silence.

He kept storming for her, fists clenching  so tight his hands began to sting and he looked like he was about to punch them both in the face. 

      “ Damian...? Shit Damian you look terrible what--” She never got to finish that sentence before Damian was holding her in a bone crushing hug that actually knocked some breath out of her. He held her as tight as he could, held her warm, real, living and breathing body in his grip and let himself relax for the first time since she left him. 

She was there, she was ok, she was ALIVE.

He felt her arms slowly but surely wrap around him in response, one hand grasping onto the back of his shirt and the other slipping around his shoulders, her face pressing into his shoulder. Her scent flooded his senses, she smelled a little different, like soap and tacky strawberry shampoo but it was still her.

      “ Gracie...Gracie I swear if you ever....EVER pull a stunt like that and fake your fucking death on me again I will kill you myself when i get my hands on you...Dont ever do that again...” His threat didnt bother her by the sound of her soft, apologetic laugh. Her grip around him tightened and his body loosened and uncoiled as if her presence her touch was carefully unwinding a tightly coiled spring. The world around him was a bit of a blur as she moved away to look up at him and press her hand, her warm living hand, to his cheek with a apologetic smile.

      “ I wont do it again...I promise Damian...never faking my death again. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you...im sorry.” He shut his eyes and leaned into her hand, letting her voice, her touch, HER wash over him. She was here, in his arms, alive and breathing and talking and HERE.

      “ I never gave up...” He felt her perk up at his words, even felt the almost puppy like confusion. He opened his eyes and gave a small vulnerable smile that he only showed few people and his pets. He moved his hands to cup her face before pulling her into another embrace, cradling her in his arms tight as if she would disappear the moment he let go of her.

      “ I never gave up on you Gracie...Even when the rest of the world acted like it did....I never stopped looking for you, following the trails you left me.” She smiled, eyes getting wet and glassy.

      “ You....Fuck Damian...I really dont deserve you...and I know you almost caught me a few times...” He chuckled softly and leaned his head forward pressing his forehead to hers. 

       “ Dont ever do that again or I’ll skin your hide.” She gave another soft laugh, the sound almost music to his ears after the past for months of hell.

       “ Never again.” He smiled and leaned his face more, the relief physically showing on his body as he pulled her closer.

       “ And thank you...for not giving up on me.” 

End 

And There it is! I know it might be kinda crappy but the inspiration hit and I wrote everything that came to my head! I hope you guys like it and if you have any questions about the Oc Gracie feel free to ask! I love babbling about her!

@phantommoonpeople @preciousthingsareprecious

Please reblog with the tags if you like it!

[rhinointherain]

28-8-2020

if this type of high was a color it would be pink, deep dark hot electric pink, the color of romanticization, the color of everything you wish should have been but never was and never could be

-here i watched a video about physics-

physics is the study of our “existence”/“reality”/physical universe within the Everything (and thats why the study of Everything that “outside of” this “existence”/“reality”/physical universe is called metaphysics)

by studying physics/the physical world closely enough, we begin to see “properties” of the Everything, like we can understand the “background” within which it/its “properties” are situated by learning about how and why the physical world acts the way it does

“Life” is just really really complex physical processes, technically there is no “difference”/inherent distinction between “living” and “nonliving” “things”, some “things” just are more of these processes happening at once and some other “things” have less. when a living thing “dies” most of its more complex processes stop occurring and so the complex web of interacting processes which classify one as being “alive” cannot function anymore. and then eventually it starts to literally decay until all of its processes, even the ones that continued after it “died” such as its maintenance of its physical structure, no longer happen as their materials have been taken up by/used in other exterior processes. So by this logic Harris was right, there is no “consciousness” and there is no “self”, when the processes of thought (neurons firing in networks) aren’t happening there is no inherent “being”, at least physically there is not a “self” and the concept cannot exist, what we think of as the “self” might be a sort of “ blueprint “ of what about one “human”’s (human=series of chemical processes that make up what we consider to be a “human”) processes different than any other human’s. if i think of something does it not “exist” just because I conceived of it? what does it mean to be real, can things that are not physically real be “real” in their own way, so I guess it depends on what we consider “real” to mean.

and this is particularly why it’s difficult and awkward to address the question of whether the ideas i write down in my journal entries are “real” as in they are true or if theyre “fake” because I’m high and am convinced that things that are not true are true. how could they not be ��true” if I think them, me thinking them means they are being perceived, even if they are not being perceived in the way that physical phenomena are. what does it even mean to “perceive”? is “reality” contingent on what is “perceived” and what isn’t? Is two atoms bumping into each other the atoms “perceiving” each other in the same way that touch receptors “feel” touch, or taste buds “taste”, or vision receptors “see” by “perceiving” light? why don’t i know virtually anything about what protons and neutrons and electrons are made out of. i mean i know theyre made of quarks and their differences become from the ratios of like different types of quarks that are in them but i have actually no idea what that means. i need to know a lot more things to fully understanding these ideas, like I need to find out what light is and what energy is godsh i feel so foolish and uneducated how have i been content to go through life thus far not even feeling the need to know????

And/or should be a word in the dictionary, it’s its own word with its own meaning not just two words stuck together

also remember to think about how your emotional and idealistic associations with being high affect the ideas that you have while you’re high, although now that i’m thinking about it, it is probably quite good to write about these emotional associations as i have been doing because then i can understand and analyze them more fully

I went back and read the paragraph i wrote earlier in this entry about what physics is an what the difference is between it and metaphysics, and it made me think, how could there not be a “GOD”? If physics/our physical universe/“reality” exists, then doesn’t “not that” also have to “exist”, just because it exists as a concept?Like what i was just talking about with what it means to be “real”?

Oh I sound JUST like saint anselm ! Didn’t he already say the exact same thing???? He totally did.

But anyway god IS metaphysics, at least the God that judeo-christian religion is referring to. God is everything that is not physics/the physical universe. so I think that with dualistic religions, like Catharism (the one i actually know enough about to feel comfortable discussing esp because there aren’t really any people today who follow it whom I risk offending if I misinterpret something about it), the two “gods” are the physical world (the “bad”/material/“corrupt” cathar God) and metaphysics (the “good”/“pure”/“heavenly” cathar God). the “gods” of Greek mythology and i guess norse mythology and probably many polytheistic religions (but i definitely cannot say that this applies to most or all polytheistic religions because i dont know enough about most or all of them) are, in the view of their believers, part of the physical world, so comparing deities/“gods” like these to the metaphysical judeo-christian “God” is kind of useless in a way because they are too different. i am not highly informed about the terms “yin” and “yang” but from my knowledge of them (like a few online articles or whatever) what i am talking about very much falls into this concept. yin and yang are physics and metaphysics. {i realize in earlier entries ive very foolishly used the term “cosmos” when what i really meant was “metaphysics/metaphysical reality/metaphysical “existence” (and once again, i am trying my best to use the right words to describe what i mean but as l keep saying over and over again, the words existence, reality, being, etc. need to be a lot more rigidly defined before any actual productive discussion about these ideas can occur)}, but anyway, “metaphysics” and “physics” are yin and yang.

so yes sure i guess the greeks, for example” “worshipped physics”, although that’s not to say they didn’t have a lot of things “wrong” (according to our modern perspective) about how it worked, but according to their understanding of the physical world lightning bolts got made by a dude named Zeus, that was physics to them. Christians, Muslims, and Jews, as example, “worship metaphysics”, which is no less “rational” than worshipping “physics” because like how stupid to you have to be not to “believe” in metaphysics right? they are both “things” that “exist” because they “exist” as “concepts”. they are just different, and either “religious” approach may be varying degrees of “right” or “wrong” in their ideas of things and how they work (although again, what does that even mean, what does it mean to be “true” or “not true”, but anyway), but like one example is the question of whether the way in which ppl use these religions to interact with physics or metaphysics (like setting up altars, making sacrifices, consulting oracles) is “effective”, like does it “do what they think it does” ie have an effect on either physics or metaphysics and how the two “interact”, or help you learn something about it etc?

So i guess by this logic a dualist outlook on “religion” resemblingthe Cathars (and i THINK the zoroastrians too from what i understand about their beliefs), ie metaphysics and physics and the interaction between the two, is the most all-encompassing perspective on what “Existence” “Is”. Thats not to say anything about the ritual aspect of any faith, i really don’t know which one is most “accurate” or if any of them are at all. So guess i am a Dualist now??. But then again, it would definitely be also helpful to explore the outlooks provided by other religions to see what they have to say, and whether they incorporate elements into their understandings that are useful to think about. like i feel like i know some facts about hinduism as in i could tell you some things that hindus believe, but i don’t have a “deep” enough understanding of the religion to tell you what aspects of their belief deal with physics and/or metaphysics. like what i would guess about it from my understanding is that it kind of deals with both? like Brahman is almost certainly metaphysics {and actually in many ways has a more “accurate” and wide-encompassing understanding of what “metaphysics” “is” than most other religions i have heard of}, and nirvana is attaining the union of the two? {like obviously not the union of the whole entire physics and whole entire metaphysics but like, within one’s self? [again, im not sure if the “self” does “exist” in the physical world and am inclined at the moment to think that it doesn’t, even though the things that “make it up” (ie your neurons and the “thoughts”/firing patterns they create) are part of the physical world. although AGAIN that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t “exist”, because one can conceive of it, or because it is part of metaphysical “existence”, or both? Or neither??] Or is nirvana like, you become aware of where “you” are within the whole conglomeration of the two, and are able to understand more about everything because of this? In a way i think it might be both, i should think about that more in the future.} Isn’t Brahman said to like, “be present” in the physical world, like in each individual thing ?does this mean that hinduism deals primarily with the interaction between physics and metaphysics? Rather than focusing on the two as “equal” but “opposite” concepts like the Cathars or zoroastrians. Again I’m really not comfortable making a whole bunch of analysis on hinduism, even after learning a bunch about it i still have a hard time understanding what their gods/deities are supposed to be/represent in relation to all this.

Ok yeah i had a helpful thought: I think the reason I am struggling with the definition of “existence” is because im not sure whether im using that word to refer to physical existence, or the combination of both “physical” and “metaphysical” existence. Same with “reality”.

i NEED to establish a glossary of terminology in order to be able to analyze anything further in a meaningful way! i think i am at the point where i can actually start to do this or at least try!

am realizing now that one of the chief questions i’ve been grappling with in these entries is “what is metaphysics”, as have scientists, shamans, theologians, priests, psychonauts etc for centuries and millenia before me. idk being able to concretely state what i am asking might be helpful in charting a course of thought

So how does the idea of physics vs metaphysics relate to the “space-time continuum” that i was talking about in earlier entries? So we have our physical universe that you and i “exist” in, and the “multiverse” which is every other possible universe along an infinite infinity of infinite axes, but is metaphysics the “multiverse”, or is metaphysics somehow what is “outside the multiverse”? how could you even understand what it meant to be “outside the multiverse”? fuck this is really difficult to think about. hmmmm i don’t think there can be an “outside” the multiverse because the multiverse is already everything that is “outside” the universe. right, because the multiverse is infinite in an infinite number of directions and not “bound” so it is not something outside of which anything can be conceived.

yeah okay and this makes sense with the saint anselm thing, because if you can think of “something”, your conception of what that “something” is is bound by your definition of what you conceive that “something” to “be”. and if you define metaphysics as “the Stuff that is Not Physics/Not Our Physical Universe”, that mean metaphysics exists because it is the like, antithesis of physics, so it doesn’t exist in the same way that the physical universe does but that doesn’t mean it isn’t “real”. Like how in a mirror there can’t be a reflection of something that isn’t physically there to be reflected, but that doesn’t mean the reflection “isn’t real” too.

I’ve been typing for over two hours, i think i should take a rest lol.

Do you think its possible that certain elements of fashion, popular culture, etc come back into style every 20ish years (?) because the people who are the most influential in determining trends at any given time internalized the trends of 20ish years ago as what it meant to be “cool” when they were at the age of learning what “cool” was and so they bring those trends back either consciously or subconsciously?

[arthurflecksgirl]

<3  *Arthur imagines his first date <3

* Lost diary pages*

Arthur writes about how he imagines his first date to be, rips the pages out of his diary and sends a message in a bottle :-)

Some cute fluff for you all :-)

It`s a cold evening in Gotham city. Its feels like the dead of summer. You walk though the park, kicking the fallen leafes beneath your cold feet. It has been a long day. A long month, year. Life even. You feel tired, trying to understand why you are even here in this city full of ignorant people. If only you had someone on your side that understands how lonely the world can be, when you`re inside of your own mind all the time.

You moved here years ago and still haven`t found someone to talk to. You think about leaving this place if nothing changes. You`re looking for a sign. Something that keeps you going.

There is a little kitten by the river. "Hey there little friend, feelin lonely,too?" it  meows and  runs away. And just as you want to turn your back, you see something in the water. A bottle. But there is something in it.

"A message in a bottle" you whisper to yourself as you pick it up. It looks like has been there for some months. But its easy to open. You sit down at a bench, starting to read:

"Today I sat there on a park bench in Gotham city, after I got out of the pharmacy. The sky was getting dark, you could tell that its going to rain soon. But I didnt wanted to go back to my dark apartment, so I just sat there, watching people. Made some observations. I need it to write in here. I need it for more jokes.

But what I noticed today wasnt a joke. It was love. And love is a very serious subject to me. I take human connection very seriously. Because I never experienced it. And I really want to. Some days it really hurts me inside, when I see couples laughing together. LAUGHING TOGETHER. What sounds so simple, SEEMS so simple to others is out of my reach. Laughing is something that I really dont know nothing about. Though I laugh so often. Because I have to. Because it won`t leave me alone to cry. I laugh but the truth is I don`t. I can`t remember a time it was a real, heartfelt laugh. I don`t even know how to do it. Sometimes I try to fake it. When I`m at Pogos or with the guys from Haha`s. But I can tell from the way they look at me that they know there is something wrong with me. Maybe I should stop trying to fit in. I try to fit in all the time. Every day... but it doesnt seem to work. Except when there are kids around. Thats why I love them. Kids seem to SEE me.

And then...the other word TOGETHER. There has to be more than one person to create a together. And I am always alone. I don`t know why. Its not like I didnt try to make friends. I really did. But they don`t feel comfortable around me. Even Hoyt told me so. I don`t know why everyone is so rude. I only want to make people happy. I really do. But thereis no "laughing together" for me. Only crying alone.

So, I was sitting there on the bank and there was this couple. She was looking at him, laughing. I bet he told her a really good joke. And she looked at him in a way no one ever looked at me and they kissed. Holding on to one another.

I always imagined how it would feel like being kissed. The moment right before your lips are touching must be the most beautiful feeling in the world. I imagin it to be very exciting to have someone elses lips pressed against yours. To circle your tongue around another and to taste the other person entierly. I dream about kissing the girl next door a lot. Her name is Sophie and she is beautiful. I bet she is a really good kisser. Her lips look so soft. I wish I could just knock on her door, take her face between my hands and kiss her passionately. But the truth is I barely dare to look her in the eyes when we meet at the hallway.

But yeah. this couple on the streets really made me think about what it would be like to have someone to love.To make love to someone.

I consider myself a romantic. And I played this like a thousands of times in my head. I`m 35 now and I guess it will never happen. But I like to dream about it. Who knows, maybe someday someone will SEE me the way I am. Maybe some day a nice girl will laugh at my jokes and take me in her arms. I would love to dress up in some decent clothes for her. I usually wear my old, faded jacket and my blue pants. The ones that look too baggy on me. But actually I like to dress nicely. Especially for special occasions. It just barely happens.I would put on some cologne. Not the one I use when I go to Pogos, I would buy a new one, because my mother uses the same bottle and that`s a bit strange, right? I would definitaly buy a new one I think the girl would like. I just found one I loved but it was too expensive and I couldnt afford it. Whatever, no one would have noticed the new cologne on me anyway.

And on our big date...I would do something with my hair. Maybe I would wear it slick back. I noticed that people like that a lot. I would like to go to the theatres with her. Oh that would be nice. Watching some comedy together. She would teach me what a real laugh feels and sounds like. I bet she could do that. And I wouldnt have to act strangely around her anymore, because the laugh would come NATURALLY.  So she could feel comfortable around me,too.

Thats my biggest fear, that the girl wouldnt feel comfortable around me. I would try my best to make her feel LOVED. After our date I would walk down the streets with her, holding hands. I always loved the idea of hoding hands. Its like a little commitment. You are mine. I really love the time we spent together. Thats what it says. At least I think so.

I would take her home with me. It would be a little bit embarrassing to show her the apartment but ...anyway... MUSIC!

Music is really important when it comes to the perfect date. Its like the heart of everything. I would put on some nice, music. I have LOTS of really great records and I´m a good dancer, so this wouldnt be a problem. Maybe some Sinatra. And...I imagin asking her to dance with me, offering her my hand and she would smile and we start dancing through the living room...Oh I would light up some candles before that. The apartment is quiet dark so we could need a bit of light. And candle light is always a good idea. Girls appriciate it and it makes me feel comfortable,too.

I would try to get closer to her while dancing. It would be the perfect moment for my first kiss. I could even pick a song for my first kiss, when I think about it now. This could be planned out so perfectly.

Thats why I always play it in my head over and over again... If it happenes some day, I`m prepared.  And I have to be prepared because I`m a virgin.

I just hope she wouldnt notice that I never kissed someone before. That would be the most embarrassing thing. I know I can be SHY.

Not even to mention other things like having sex.

I dream about this A LOT. I keep pictures in here. Of girls I think are attractive and other stuff. I like to draw a lot. But thats all nothing compared to what a real girlfriend would feel like to have in my arms.

I imagin sex to be not just a way to satisfy your own desires. I imagin it to be something that really connects you to the other person and to life itself. I always feel depressed after touching myself. I guess this would be different with having someone in your arms afterwards,too. I try to imagin the sensation of  two bodies melting into one another. To be SEEN and to be FELT by another person. I think its impossible to UNSEE the person that you have sex with. My future  girlfriend will look me in the eyes and I hope she will be able to realize my true self. That I`m a good guy. And she will tell me so. She would feel me with all her senses. Calling out my name between the kisses, begging me to sleep with her. Begging me to fullfill all her desires. And I would. God yes, I would make all her desires come true. Try the best to please her. I think I  could be a great boyfriend.

I would buy my girlfriend flowers,too. I love flowers. I love how soft to the touch they are and the fact that they smell so nice. Like girl`s shampoo. I would love to pick flowers and out them into her hair. I can imagin her happy face. A real laugh. Not like mine.

I`d love to have someone to cuddle with at night. Not only my pillows. It must be wonderful to feel the warth of another body on your own. The weight of someone elses body on yours.  I just want the emptyness to go away. This constant feeling of  emtyness, meaniglessness. I just don`t wanna feel so bad anymore.

Having someone to kiss my bruised back. To take care of my wounds when I got beaten up again. That would be wonderful.

I need to talk to someone about the thoughts inside of my head. All these thoughts. They`re enemys sometimes. I try to get them out of me by writing this journal, but this isnt enough. I need someone to really listen to me and I guess my future girlfriend could do that. Just listen, putting her arms around me, when I feel lost. That would be enough to make me feel better. I long for human contact so much. But no one cares.

My daydreams are the only thing I have left.Some days they feel so real, they become hallucinations. Dr Kane thinks I am delusional. But I know that these hallucinations arent real. I KNOW THAT I AM ALONE.

These dreams...are just for the moment. I make them real for a minute, maybe an hour or longer. But as soon as the daydream is done, I know that my mind just made it up. What difference does it make if Dr Kane belives me or not?  She doesnt care about me anyway. No one does.

Dr Kane thinks that love won`t heal me. That I am way too damaged to be healed. Thats what she said. What a rude bitch. I know I can be healed by love. I just feel it in my guts. I just want a family. Is this too much to ask for? I get that its too late to have a father but is it too late to find a girl who loves me for who I am?

Maybe it is. Maybe not.

If there is a 50/50 chance...I`ll take it !

50/50 is more than most people get in life.

I think I´m gonna rip those pages out of this journal and put them into a bottle.

I watched a movie a while ago and this guy put a letter with his adress into a bottle and thew it into the river. Years later this girl found it and wrote him a note.

I loved this idea of the constant hope that your letter will be noticed some day.

That I will be noticed someday.

Yeah... I will do it right now.

So if you read this and you think that my writing made any sense...

Here is my adress

Arthur Fleck

2250 Anderson Avenue

Apt 8J

Gotham city NJ

Gonna find a bottle and get to the river now.

There is no time to waste.... "

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @jokerhoe @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes @downtoclown-around @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker @casiaregina @check-out-this-joker @mrsjfleck @darknessisafriend @bring-your-holy-water @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown @yami-rhs @mrsjfleck @cmollica @mollyxlyla-rosex @widkkfowpqpsnanq @rhokie @neon-umbrella-for-stella @queenie70 @casiaregina @missmayx @these-written-reveries @cherrymoon75

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 27.08.17 lb

plain text version here.

let’s do this shit! 

ok the start to this ep feels so... random and disjointed from the end of the last... like... is this the same day as the shaadi nonsense? is it not? how many days/months/years have passed? who knows, not me. 😕😕😕

before shit goes down, can i just take the moment to say, goddamn, my girl looks sooooooooooooo good. 😍😍😍 i’m glad her hair’s back in the waves. i prefer it to the poker straight hair. plus the outfit. simple, clean lines. what a goshdarn babe. light of my life. my sun my moon all my stars. 😌😌😌

... ohhhhhh boy. i don’t think i’m ready for this jelly. (coz my body too bootylicious for ya babe! 🍑🍑🍑)

is he for real though, or just faking to make her spill it? 🤔🤔🤔

oh no is he gonna think she left him coz he doesn’t have NKK anymore? 😬😬😬

he’s faking. he’s so fakingggg. he just remembers that ONE sentence she said and is using it to get it outta her.🙄🙄🙄

billu ke dimaag ke paiyyyen ghooooooom rahein haiiiii, trying to piece together these little tidbits she’s dropping. 🎡🎡🎡

ugh. emotional moment ke beech mein 2 second ka romance ghusa diya, my heart is so confuseddddddddd. 😖😖😖

anika be like OH BETE KI KAHIN PAPPU BANAAKE TOH NAHI CHALE GAYE MUJHE. 😯😯😯

sudden change to chirpy, cheery gauri. i can’t keep up with the sudden change in tone of scenes without suffering whiplash. 😕😕😕

wtf even is om doing in the bg? 😟😟😟

sudden change in mooood in my baby bulbul’s mood. aw noooo. 😥😥😥

YEH PAKDAAAAAAA. HAWAAA CHALIIIIII. YASSSSSSSSSS. FUCKING YAAAAAAAAS!!!! 😀😀😀

THIS SONG. *WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPS* ALL THE FEELZ. 😭😭😭

ok “pyaar” is a little too much and all, but the lyrics TU KI JAANE PYAAR MERA + THIS FACE. *sobbing for all eternity* 😭😭😭😭😭😭

what’s with this dude and her shoulder? this is a very strange fetish, bro. 😕😕😕

ok but over there your brother and bhaabi are into knifeplay, so this is relatively harmless. carry on. 😌😌😌

BUT ALSO FUCKING GOOSEBUMPS OMG THE FUCK I AM BOTH 😥😥😥 CRYING 😥😥😥 AND HAVING 😏😏😏 THARKI THOUGHTS 😏😏😏 AND OH MY GOD WHAT EVEN IS HAPPENING TO ME I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS TODAY 😭😭😭😭😭😭

also i can hear maisu’s @vishwaspur​ head 💥exploding💥 at all the close ups of kunal’s hands all the way from here. 🙃🙃🙃

ok i know nothing of this jal jal ke dhuan sequence, but damn it looks fucking hot in any flashbacks they show in ib. i don’t think i’ll watch the actual scene, just to preserve the hotness in my mind. 😙😙😙

VE BADA PACHTAIYYAAAAN ANKHAAN NAAAL TERE JODKEEEEE *weeps* 

i always lose it at this part of this song anyway, but coupled with these visuals, hahahaha fuck meeeeee 😭😭😭😭😭😭

jfc why can i not stop cryinggggggggg 😪😪😪😪

oh this is why: 

LOOK AT THE WAY THEY’RE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER OH MY GOD I CAN’T EVEN 

“KUCH NAHI”?!?!?!?! OMFG OMKARA, DO NOT MAKE ME COME IN THERE AND FUCKING KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS. DON’T TEST ME BOY. I’LL DO IT. I’LL FUCKING DO IT. 😤😤😤😡😡😡

her disappointmenttttttttt. oh my god, my heart. i can’t bear it. 😫😫😫

SIRF BAHU™. SISTER OF SIRF ANIKA™. THE SIRF SISTERS™. 👯🏽👯🏽👯🏽

the fuckkkkkkkkkkk, om? i thought you were the emotionally intelligent one among the three idiots. god. you’re just as bad as those other two. 😒😒😒

literally don’t give a rat’s ass about ruvya as a couple. fwding. 

where’s he going now? abhi abhi toh lauta hai germany se. (germany said in this accent. please know i ALWAYS say “germany” like this. 😆😆😆)

ok i’ve now said the word germany too many times and it makes no sense to me. germany. 🤔🤔🤔

the editing of this episode is hella weird man. why would they put this scene now; like, she literally just walked away mad at him and now she’s back and like lemme unpack for you. what nonsense. 😒😒😒

lmao her startled face at him throwing things around. 😂😂😂

omki shomkiiiiiiiii, did you bring the wifeyyy something back from GERRRRRRRMANY? is that why you’re acting weeeeeeeeird? 😏😏😏

HAHAHA CALLED IT. WHAT AN AWKWARD AARDVARK. CUTIE PATOOTIEEEEEEE. 😚😚😚

did he take the mor pankh with him FROM here, or did he pluck a german mor ka pankh? 🤔🤔🤔

germany mein mor hai bhi ya nahi? 🤔🤔🤔 (calling @nawaazishein​ to confirm or deny.) 

LOL “MERE LIYE” YOU IDIOT JUST GIVE IT TO HER 😂😂😂

“THIS IS THE NEW ME”

yeah, this one is definitelyyyyyyyyyy shivaay’s brother. same weirdness and tadi-fueled stupidity. 🙄🙄🙄

LMAOOOOOOOO OM YOU IDIOT I LOVE YOU 🤣🤣🤣

RUDRA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

omfg rudra imitating his lameness hahahaha 😂😂😂

I LIVE FOR RUDRA TAKING THE PISS OUTTA OMKI 😆😆😆

rudra ki vishesh tippani: you look like a goddamn fool, please just give chulbul bhaabi the stole already. 😋😋😋

i love it. this is why he gets the ladies. he smart in this one dept. 😊😊😊

damn, ragini looking FAAIIIINE 😘😘😘

ohhhh boy. she wants to MURDER anika. 😬😬😬

OMFG SHE HAS A SHIVAAY BEDSPREAD. JFC GIRL. LIKE I KNEW YOU WERE CRAZY BUT NOT THIS CRAZY. 

lucky for you.....

also, 10 bucks says one of gul/neet took that thing home once they were done shooting with it, considering how much they stan for nakuul. 🙈🙈🙈

“maarna wahin chahiye jahaan par sab se zyaada dard ho, aur main bohut achche se jaanti hoon shivaay ko sabse zyaada dard kahaan hoga.” 

sooooooo... she’s going to mess up his hair? 😕😕😕😗😗😗

lmao i am lovinggggg vikram’s exasperation and defeated confusion. 😆😆😆

btw, finally found the actor’s name, for those interested: danish pandor. unfortunately, he’s not big on social media, so get your jollies by taadofying at him here. 

sooooooooo.... vikram, who wanted anika enough to marry her even without her consent, is perfectly ok with this plan of killing(?) her? 🤔🤔🤔 like....??????? what even is this dude’s deal? he seems perfectly sane and sorted but i dont get his motives re: anika. 😕😕😕

omki’s cryyyyying? whyyyy??? is it coz he’s a loser who can’t summon the guts to tell his wife the words “i am sorry”? 😐😐😐

“kaunsa sach?” 

coz at this point everyone is hiding so many things from each other than it’s hard to fucking keep track anymore 😗😗😗

bruh, does this fucker know or not, or is he just going around faking everyone out and getting them to drop him enough breadcrumbs 😒😒😒

lmaooooo rudra is exhausted solving everyone’s issues. 😆😆😆

bhavya’s in A Mood™ 😬😬😬

ok... fuck this sultan nonsense all over again. fwding. 😒😒😒

YEAHH THIS FOOL DON’T KNOW SHIT. HE’S JUST FAKING. 😑😑😑

oh shit, rudra. god, he’s going to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. he’s going to vomit out everythingggggggg. 😧😧😧

LMAOOOOOOOOOO I KNEW ITTTTTT. I KNEW HE WAS FAKING. I CAN’T BELIEVE THESE PPL ARE FALLING FOR IT. FOR FUCKS SAKE, DON’T YOU KNOW THIS GUY AND HOW HE WORKS AT ALLLLLLLLLL? 😂😂😂

aaaaaaaaaaand, there it is. is ladke ke pet mein kuchhhhhhhhh nahi rehta. 😣😣😣

omki is desperately babbling. it’s hard to watch him, the most sorted one, like this. *pats his floofy hair* 😞😞😞

my boyyyyyyyyssssssssssssss. *weeeeps* 😭😭😭😭

time to dramatically ponder in the dark. 🙄🙄🙄

dang, look how much nakuul’s hair grown in two months. 😯😯😯

ok really don’t care about this jhanvi plot today. give me mainland madness. 

yesssss pinky’s here. DRAAAAAAMA TIMEEE. 🙃🙃🙃

LMAO DADI DO YOU NOT KNOW PINKY AT ALL? AT ALL??????? 😣😣😣

enough foreshadowinnnnnnnnggggggg. GIVE ME THE FUCKING GOODS. 😫😫😫

damn kaveri darling is even kinkier than svetlana. 😯😯😯😏😏😏

jhanvi just bustin in there like... ok mainu kiiii. fwding to get to the real fucking drama. awaiii mera sunday barbad mat kariyo. 😒😒😒

ok. full fam gathered. vakeel bhi aaya hua hai. AB DANGAL HOGA. mwahaha. 😆😆😆

yiiiiiiiiiiikes, the SSO waali danger look he gave the lawyer at being questioned. 😬😬😬

ok i know what’s coming. he’s gonna give it all to anika. and that’s gonna provoke pinky into fucking loooooosing it. 😗😗😗

YUPPPPPPPP. 😐😐😐

lmao everyone’s faces: 

"UM, THE FUCK?”

“.... um, i understood one of those three words. what’s an e-cutie? am i the e-cutie?”

“wait, what about us? we’re putting up with those two and their daily chutiyapa for NOTHING?”

“yeh roz roz ka drama mujhse jhela nahi jaata. dadaji oberoi, mujhe apne paas bula lo.”

“🎵  aankh ladaake tune maara! tin-tidin-tin-tin-tin-tin-ting! ghayal ho gaya dil bechaa... 🎶  wait, what was that? it seemed important. shit, i should have paid attention. oh well. it’s not like anyone here wants my opinion anyway. 🎵 SUNA HAI TERE CHAAHNE WAALE... TIN-TINDIN-TIN...🎶 ”

food for thought for me tonight: how much am i willing to tolerate from an asshole like shivaay if it means he will eventually transfer all his assets in my name? like... is one gajilliontrillion bucks enough for year’s worth of mental torture? like, i’m suffering through life right now FOR FREE, which seems like a pretty unfair bargain. if he gets too annoying, i can just take the money and then gone girl his ass. hmmmm. note to self: make a pros/cons list to evaluate comprehensively. 🤔🤔🤔

pinky is fucking frothing at the mouth hearing shivaay’s soft and gentle voice baandhofying taareefon ke pull for anika. 😬😬😬

anika at this point: i would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one I have never asked to be a part of, since i met you hellspawned fuckers on a dark and godless day. 🙅🏽🙅🏽🙅🏽

ok the way she’s jabbing shivvay in the chest looks painful. he’s got a heart issue, woman. plus he’s been shot in the chest. please stop. 😖😖😖

yiiiiiiiiiiiikes. so she just wants the money? damn pinky, that’s cold. even for you that’s cold. 😥😥😥

WAIT WHAT?!?!!?!? 😯😯😯😟😟😟

HOLY SHIT. ALL THAT FOR FUCKING NOTHING. THIS STUPID FUCKER ISN’T NAJAAYAZ AFTER ALL?!?!??!?? THE FUCKKKKKKKKKK 😧😧😧

BUT.... WHAT ABOUT MAHI? HOW EVEN??????? THE DNA TEST SAID THEY WERE BROTHERS. SO MAHI IS A BONAFIDE OBEROI WHO’S PINKY’S SON TOO???? LIKE, I REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT SHIVAAY COZ A CAT WILL ALWAYS FALL ON ITS FOURS WHAT ABOUT MY SON MAHI?????? TELL ME ABOUT MAHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *SCREAMING* 😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

OMG WHAT THE FUCK FAKE!TEJLANA LITERALLY NOONE CARES ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW GTFO MY SCREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😡😡😡😡

yikes. “mrs. pinky singh oberoi” 😬😬😬😬

ladka haath se nikal gaya hai. say bye bye bye to your laadla beta, mataji. 👋🏽👋🏽👋🏽