#i dont know what I'd do with it but. boy howdy do i want it

[roboraindrop]

One day.... One day he will be mine..... Djdbsksh

[piplupod]

feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.

[isdalinarhot]

on the state of kholin haterism on tumblr

this is gonna be a long one, so bear with me.

one thing i think that has changed in the tumblr fandom in the three years that ive been in it is that the culture in 2021 was ALSO at a largely anti-Kholin sentiment, but there were two key differences.

the first is that most people making critiques of such characters would use the tag #kholin critical, which was useful either if you were sensitive to criticism of one of the kholins for whatever reason AND if you wanted to read analysis of some of their faults by many different users under one tag.

the second is that said kholin critical criticisms were... less stupid? like a lot of it was talking about reddit fandom hypocrisy where dalinar was held up as righteous and badass and could do no wrong even though he had tons of personal and political faults that other characters (largely people who WERENT extremely powerful nobles) were demonized for. also a lot of stuff like "adolin is kaladins friend now but i dont think just categorizing it as simple enemies to besties is fair because adolin WAS being overtly racist to kaladin at the beginning there". a lot of discussion about how the Kholins treat darkeyes and characters of lower dahns where the bigotry there was being downplayed by fans in favor of the characters being painted both by fandom and in the universe of the books as Always Right All The Time. stuff like that.

that's not to say the whole kholin crit tag was all, like, stuff that isnt bullshit. people have been dunking on elhokar for being a whiny failking since the beginning of time. but the vibes were a lot different.

kholin critical kind of fell out of favor as a hashtag because most of us realized hey on a doylist level either the things we're criticizing the kholins for are purposeful character flaws that make for richer, more realistic, more engaging characters; or they're oversights from the moderate liberal Sanderson, in which case, why are we complaining about Dalinar doing this, when we should be complaining about Sanderson doing this. so this whole thing is stupid. and also by then the atmosphere on tumblr was way different, this was by and large the Moash Website and while people were haters about characters they did not put the hate in character tags so people largely avoided each others haterism. and there was peace for like a year and a half, i guess.

things are way different now. for context. i track the #dalinar kholin tag. so whenever my dash is dead im checking my tracked tags, and thus i see every original post about dalinar that someone decided to tag #dalinar kholin. and boy howdy, things have devolved. this used to be a chill experience for me, i'd see first time readers go OH MY GOD HE DID WHAT?????? during oathbringer and "[some philosophical shit dalinar said]" -brandon sanderson. follow for more inspiring book quotes" about three times a day, fanart once every couple weeks or so, stuff like that. but now a solid 75% of the posts in dalinars tag are like. hate. not literary criticism, but hate. sometimes about justified things, sometimes about unjustified things, but still, extremely negative.

in a bubble, that's fine. god knows ive been a hater on my blog before and ill be a hater on my blog again. and its not even like im opposed to reading well thought out criticism of my faves on any level because, like, dalinar is kind of a rat bastard! but like. listen. you don't put character hate in that character's tag. you don't do that. the people who are checking a character's tag are fans of that character and fandom is for fun. being a hater directly reaching out to the lovers for comment is rude as hell.

also a lot of the things people dislike about dalinar tie back to his neglectful fatherhood and his alcoholism which is, like, a thing i understand people would have strong negative feelings towards him for having because Neglectful Alcoholic Dad is like one of the top 10 kinds of abusive dads out there so lots of people have very visceral very personal experiences related to that. but when posting about this in any form whatsoever it feels like im having to go back to Treating Addicts Like Human Beings 101. like i feel like ive made a billion posts to the tune of "okay kids, you can do bad things while drunk and you are still responsible and you can also get drunk at inopportune times and you are still responsible, but the act of being addicted to alcohol does not make a character ontologically evil". and like thats. um. a personal thing but also oh my goodness.

i dont really have a conclusion to this. im just thinking goddamn its bleak out here right now.

[crayonurchin]

It's been a long time since i felt like im going nowhere in life, but boy howdy today sure has those vibes

Is my art and writing even good? Why wont publishers take me, i know I'd work hard, and if anyone bought commissions I'd make them so pretty. I can't do a 9-5 it's too much on my psyche but am i just being entitled?

Mcm London comiccon didnt approve my October application. Do people not like my soap? Nobody buys it on my shop. Why do i keep investing in it.

Am i ever going to feel human around other people? Even with other neurodiverse folk i feel to alien to be really present.

C-ptsd. It sucks. Why did adult men hurt me so many times as a child.

I want to be an OCD warrior, but lately i just feel tired. OCD is a fire that won't stop burning and I'm out of water to douse it.

Im 28. I live with my parents and dont see myself independent any time soon. I think i want a partner but what if im lithromantic? Doomed to yearn but unable to ever have without hurting others? Is it actually gender ocd or am i in denial? I think i want kids but adoption has so many ways to hurt families and what if i hurt the kid with my own bullshit?

Im trying to stay realisticly positive but today is not a strong day for me.

I am proud of my efforts but im greedy and wish i had more to show for it.

[transsexualhamlet]

there's a song! I forgot

AND I'D ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO SEE UR ANALYTIC THINGY

this is a great opportunity to compliment your analytic capabilities as well! I have read some and they all happened to be top-notch!

sorry that i'm being like this

JSJSJS NO DONT APOLOGIZE I LOVE ATTENTION also I'd be very interested in that song, who's the artist?

I don't have every song done yet but here's just the one for skeleton appreciation day and then I'll rb with the shorter ones i have for the others

(this is under a cut cause boy howdy it is long and the corpse fic is Not For Everybody)

Skeleton Appreciation Day in Vestal, NY (Bones)-

This is the only one I'm gonna actually do a lyric breakdown of, the others will just be short paragraphs but this one's full because Ah God Will Wood Moment. The whole song really does capture the feeling I was going for with the corpse fic. Especially the tone of this song, which feels almost as though the singer is so lightheaded and about to faint, barely standing, tottering around searching for something he cannot see.

To cut down on my silhouette, my favorite foods are smoke and hearts

My leftover frets forget stiletto-self vendettas,

While my cracking backbone lacks but backs up my false starts

All nightmares start as dreams and I hear my subconscious screaming

They say that beauty's just skin deep

So naturally, please show me your bones, bones, bones

Let me see your bones

Well I don't wanna know if the feeling follows home

Bones, bones, bones

Hell, we're all alone

If I come home, baby, will you show your bones?

For the way he must kill Fyodor, for the way they love. He is starving himself of Fyodor by killing him. Nikolai sees that attraction in his body as something he could somehow pry out and purify even though he knows it will make him so sick and weak, as if peeling open the insides of his lover could somehow reveal the truth of why they love like this. To kill him means to be free of him, but it's really only halfway, the way he keeps him around to begin with, cause he thinks he might be able to wean himself off Fyodor after a little, just a little bit more, when well, of course he cant. He thinks this might get him answers- Why are they so self contradictory, why is it so difficult for him, why is this the only way they manage to exist is this terrifying codependent state? He searches for this so hard but he fears actually getting an answer, to the bones, so much that he kills the only one who might provide it for him.

Lumps in throats and petticoats, your baby teeth would pray for you

At the beginning of the third chapter when Nikolai is trying his hardest to talk to Fyodor, and how every bit of advice he gets back is only an echo from deep in the past. He holds the past so dearly, nothing he's doing feels real, through all the makeup he applies and the pretty dresses he puts that rotting fucking corpse in, though he's nearly to tears, and the dynamic and the dysfunctionality of how they existed together reveals itself.

A selfish book is always open

And some of the best liars only want the truth

Nikolai is the "selfish book". Nikolai weaves this extensive web of intentions and metaphors into his existence in this way that he's so sure he's hoodwinked himself and the world about his true feelings and thoughts, but especially to Fyodor and honestly to anyone who gets a look at him to an extent, it is painfully obvious the direction he is going and how viscerally clear his emotions are. Fyodor has seen this from the beginning, he always knew how doomed and contradictory that train of thought was.

And Fyodor is the "best liar". Though he is so closely guarded himself, someone who Nikolai never entirely managed to unravel even after his death, he truly only ever had the sweetest intentions with Nikolai. Yes, he's hurt him, lied to and manipulated him expertly, let him do this all to himself, but in the end he was only ever giving Nikolai what he wanted. Nikolai is a sinful ability user himself, and he knows that Nikolai is a paradox who will only ever suffer surviving. This is his mercy, and he feels that deeply. The truth of their love and the world is right there for Nikolai, left posthumously for when he finally decides to accept it.

All love starts as a scheme, so wake me up, I'm tired of sleeping

They say that beauty's just skin deep

So I feel asleep, please show me your bones, bones, bones

Let me see your bones

Well I don't wanna know if the feeling follows home

Bones, bones, bones

Hell, we're all alone

If I come home, baby, will you show your bones?

Nikolai has found it difficult to parse apart his own delusions and rose-colored view of Fyodor from reality, and it breaks here where he seeks this consul from Fyodor. Fyodor is so vague and far away it feels like a dream, even though all Nikolai's been doing in this whole endeavor was trying to wake up. This love of his was the "scheme" he was trying to break free of, and killing Fyodor was supposed to "wake him up" from that brainwashing. But it hasn't, it won't, that feeling doesn't go away. He wants that truth, he is begging for Fyodor to reveal it, what else must he do to receive it? But Fyodor has told him time and time again, is he really prepared to hear it?

All nightmares start as dreams, all love starts as a scheme

Give me all your LSD so I can feel my mind unweave again

This dream of Nikolai's, this ideal to reach this ascendant state of humanity where he basically ignores every scream of his own flesh and blood just for that idea of free will has become an utter nightmare all around him. The consequences are glaring and he is witnessing the world burn down and he is the one burning it. (i am he forest and i am the fire and) Everything is falling apart and he does not know how to survive without the world utterly scrambled around him. Without Fyodor, an acid trip seems necessary just to stay sane, or in his case, to keep away from that terrible clarity as much as possible and to stay living that dream without seeing the nightmare underneath…

They say that beauty's just skin deep

So Ana stands and rends the rancid meat from her bones, bones, bones

…Yet under that influence, the nightmare grows even worse, as he tears himself apart through this idea, throwing away anything he finds offensive to the delusion. I'm assuming here that Ana was meant to be a personification of anorexia, that the singer's own disorder has grown so prominent she is a whole being who acts as him, they are one and the same person. For Nikolai this certainly applies, to someone who feels at this point to be a hollowed out corpse piloted by pure delusion. And he acts out to purify his vision, to keep that idea of Fyodor and himself intact, he wounds and tricks and pushes Sigma away. In his vision Sigma has turned against him like rancid meat, yet in reality he is ripping away the very thing keeping him alive.

Let me see your bones

Well I don't wanna know if the feeling follows home

Bones, bones, bones, hell, we're all alone

If I come home, baby, will you show your bones, bones, bones?

I can see my bones

Well I don't wanna know if the feeling follows home

Bones, bones, bones, hell, we're all alone

If I come home, baby, will you show your bones?

My bones, your bones

Tell me you can see my bones

My bones, your bones

Tell me you can see them

This whole ending bit is that hard descent, the repetition, the spiral at the end, the way he's conceding to Fyodor, where his aversion to the truth and his seeking the truth meets. And that feeling does follow home, he's going to follow that feeling home and there is no one left to stop him. There is nothing left in that world but Nikolai and the dripping thing he's personified, at this point he's wrecked his own health so badly that he recognizes himself in the corpse more than in that old polaroid. And he's giving in with that plea: if he comes home, please tell him, would they be together again? He's begging with all his life that Fyodor somehow is watching him and everything he's become, that he might somehow embrace and understand him. In utter doom, might he at least have companionship in the grave?

[secretsappyabode]

HOWDY TIFF I OWE YOU SO MANY THANK YOU'S IDK WHERE TO BEGIN 😭 Thank you for your sweet words on my Mermay post with Molly, my Meet the Texiarty Ship post (which i HIGHLY encourage you to consider doing for you and Ford or you and Stan or both!! I'd love to see if you do it ;---;✨🧡!!) and my Dancing Texiarty art; you're so kind and I really appreciate your support, it means a lot to me that you like my art, especially because I really look up to you as an artist ;---;✨🧡

I also wanted to come ask some questions :')!

1. If you could pick a tail from a marine animal (like a merfolk with an parrotfish or orca tail) for Ford, Stan, and yourself, what animal tail would you give to each of yourselves? Do you have reasons as to why? I'd love to find out!

2. How exactly would you describe your relationship with both Ford and Stan? Does the entire town of Gravity Falls know? What are some of your favorite ways both boys like to spend time with you at the same time?

3. Do either of the Pines boys know how to dance? Do they even like to? Can either of them be prompted to dance, even if it's just a silly thing in the kitchen?

I'm looking forward to hearing your answers and again, thank you so much for your support on my art ;---;✨🧡👑

Clover @tex-treasures

CLOVER IT IS MY ABSOLUTE PLEASURE!!! (and i went and did the ship meme template like u suggested teehee) and also.....sniffles sobs sobs yyoou,,,you,,,l,,ook,,up,,,t,o,,meee,eeee,e,,e,??? ;;;;;A;;;;;; THAT IS SO VERY SWEET OF YOU TO SAY GOLLY GOSH IM ALL FLUSTERED fr tho that is genuinely so nice to hear i am HONOURED!!!! MY FRIEND your art is so lovely!! ive seen someone describe it as like "50s illustration" style a while ago (or smth like that) and honestly?? i agree, its juts lovely to look at :>

AS FOR YOUR QUESTIONS!!! lets take a dive (sorry it got long once again woops)

1: hooooo that is TOUGH. i always liked selkies and seals, so I'd def be a seal mermaid of sorts. ive seen the fandom depict stan as a shark merman, which i really like!! as for ford, hmmmm maybe a beluga whale?? im afraid i dont know much abt marine wildlife to give a better concrete answer ;;;; (ford wld def have a better idea than me, as marine life wld be one of his interests)

2: i feel like im the "mid ground" between the twins. like my personality can balance out with the other. im more sociable and outgoing when im with ford, but im more carefree and easygoing with stan. ford reminds me of the importance and value of knowledge. stan reminds me how to let loose and take a few risks.

because of that, it helps when ford and stan butt heads some times. i can sort of act as a "buffer" for them, helping them see the other's perspective. ford and stan are like red and blue, they can sometimes clash, but i can help make things become purple. (if that makes sense?? i mean like help them get along basically)

as for the town, certain citizens notice a little "something" between me and ford during our pining years. people outside of our circle just assume were dating, which leads to a lot of embarrassing explanations of how "no were not dating and no im not flushing red, you are, why is it so humid in here." the tension is obvious to almost everyone who can see (except for me and ford) and it INFURIATES them. but then once we DO start dating, it becomes major town gossip. people pay bets, hushed whispers float through the air, some people even come up to congratulate us as if we got married. but then things change when...

stan arrives. NOW. here it can diverge into diff pathways. but for this post im going to talk about how its affected in canon. portal happens blah blah blah, stan has to pretend to be ford. i eventually learn what happened, and stan and i have to play pretend. FAKE DATING ENSUES~~~~ and then some mutual pining because uh oh we really get along and maybe its because hes pretending to be ford but hes NOT ford, so who am i really crushing on here? stan himself or "stanford"? some angst ensues of course but dw, my s/i is very good at healthy communication so the angst is mostly on stans part....sorry bud. as if the whole "stolen identity" thing didnt have enough baggage already, i had to go and fall in love w the guy too ;;;;A;;;;

as for ways we spend time together, theres the occasional night out on the town, doing whatever the town has to offer! theres also hiking, just enjoying the nature together, monster free. but sometimes we just sit inside and watch tv, binge whatever we want. so many movie marathons......its really all just about being close and relaxing after the intensities of life (and weirdmaggedon) theres a layer of "were here. were safe. i got you."

3: my s/i is very much a dancer, because she's a huge musical chick!! singing and dancing, heck performing, since a very young age. stan def takes advantage of this cuz hes a dancer too, and we KILL IT on the dance floor. its electric, fun, and super meaningful on my part, as i LOVE a good dance partner. we also do the "silly kitchen dancing" much to fords annoyance. fords not big on dancing, claims he has two left feet. but uh oh whats this, theres a vinyl of slow dance songs on this record player and, woops, i accidentally placed the needle on the vinyl and oh noooo theres music playing and its just the two of us in this living room oh noooo.....looks like we gotta dance abt it smh

jokes aside, i can manage to coax him into a little slow dance when were alone in the house (and sometimes out in a secluded part of the forest). it becomes so chill to us that we just start talking about anything as we slow dance. theres laughter, flushed faces, gentle glances and its all just sweet. we hold each other so close we just end up hugging and moving in circles, not really dancing. its safe, comforting and warm.

you spoil me with all these questions clover, thank you so much :> im imagining you and kabu sharing a moment of quiet solace. maybe yall encountered some wild pokemon, and were thrown into an unwanted battle, forcing you two to defend yourselves. you succeed! but the shock and exhaustion takes over and you two take the time to heal your pokemon and take care of each other. you hold each other close, soft kisses on hands and foreheads are given. kabu especially has to repeat in his mind “its ok. we’re safe. tex is right here. shes in ur arms”