#i don't want to make big changes with my current mindset because i'm afraid i would just delete a bunch of stuff out of being low on mood

[soultoken-archived]

i swear i will be back, i'm just. exhausted all the time lately because of work (the cold i caught and the cough i have might be a big part of it), and in the latest few days i'm also feeling very low on mood, but i swear i will be back as soon as possible.

[nemaliwrites]

top five books

@serrafew @jigglypuff1994 why would you do this to me. an impossible question to answer

okay i don't know if these are my top five books? but they're definitely the books that had the most impact on me as a writer, and the books i think about the most even long after i read them - which, to me, is what really makes for a good book. a lot of these have also inspired various fics of mine, which you can probably see hehe

1. Hangsaman by Shirley Jackson

i know this really isn't one of Jackson's most popular books, but to me, it's her at her best. worth saying also that i read this book at a very low point in my life, when i wanted to kill myself, and natalie having the same mindset made me connect with her on a level that i don't know if i would have had i not been there mentally.

this book is like if a normal coming of age story was a little bit fucked up. natalie is going to college. she is afraid. she also regularly imagines herself as a corpse, as a skull in a strange man's hands, as being burned alive. she cannot recognize the sound of her own name. do you plan to be a writer? they ask. a writer, the same way i might plan to be a corpse? she says. i love her so much.

the inspiration behind Riding Many a Mile, though perhaps more subtle than some of my other AUs.

2. Bunny by Mona Awad

no surprise here, especially to some of you who i scream abt books with on the daily hehe. the inspiration behind In Pursuit of the Uneatable. i also wrote a fic for this book, Very Important Pets. both were very fun to write.

peak fiction. the book that inspired me to play around with unreliability in my own fics, to be comfortable with introducing ideas and not explaining them fully. samantha is fucked up. she makes a dude out of a stag to destroy the girls she hates in the most homoerotic way possible. what's not to like??

3. The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey

very very VERY much enjoyed this book. no surprise from my writing that themes of identity are some of my favorite to explore, and this book does it in such a compelling way.

guy clones his wife. she and the clone kill the guy together. they fall into the same toxic patterns as her own parents. 10/10

4. Goth by Otsuichi

LOOK AT THIS. murder as the most romantic thing ever. you get it. this part is the inspiration behind a fic that i'm currently writing hehe

on a craft level, this book really changed me i think. a fascinating study on pov. otsuichi does this thing where he'll write a chapter making you think it's about one person, and at the end he switches things up and you're like !!!. big fan also of protagonists who think of themselves as way worse than they are.

he wants to kill this girl bc he likes her hands - but he never does. instead, they're just weird buddies who discuss murder together. he saves multiple people while making it clear that he is a Bad Guy.

5. I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman

absolutely beautiful. one of those books that just sticks with you no matter how long it's been. this one also, like bunny, taught me a lot about the scope of a story. by the end, we know nothing about the setting or the time period or anything. but it doesn't matter, because that's not what the story is about.

it's a study of grief and humanity and !!!! i need to reread this actually

[ciakinius]

Another Rant

That no one asked for☺️

Okay so, about this new fandom name business.

First I would like to say it was so refreshing to see Wonho live for the first time in months and to hear him giggle and do his "Ang"🥺. I missed him so much. And I really feel like the boys were behind that camera, the way he would speak to those behind the camera made it so apparent (my OT7 heart).

But I also started crying after the live just because it kind of brought back all the boys have been through and how the current reality is a result of that. I have to say it was really bittersweet to know Wonho was put into a position where he had to make a new fandom name because the shit powers that be won't let him call us by the name he so cherished. I'll always be his mbb but like I said, a name doesn't determine how much of a fan you are, it's just a name.

Speaking of that name, I'll be honest, and pls don't attack me for this. I respect Wonho's decision and will go along with it but I wasn't thrilled to see Wenee. It just ...I've always associated that word with something else and knowing what some of the other submissions were....ahhh I was a bit deflated. (Rip Wonders) He looked so happy announcing it so I'll be happy for his sake but it doesn't mean I'm keen on the name. It's meaning is what makes it cute, I'll give it that.

And here comes a big point, something I was very afraid of the second he announced the solo career. That his solo stans (let's be real there were quite a few before Oct) would come out and use this as an excuse to seperate him from MX and Mbbs even further once they got a name and became officially recognized.

And that's exactly what's happened. Twt has been filled with arguments of toxic solo stans attacking mbbs and saying they don't want to associate with "that fandom". I'm sorry, you mean the fandom that Wonho cherised his whole career, the fandom that fought for him FOR MONTHS and made it possible for him to come back to the music industry? The fans he himself said brought him back?????THAT FANDOM?

*breathe*

Most Wenees are Mbbs hun, I hate to break it to you. And you think Wonho would be happy with some of his fans activately acting as though he was never in MX? Acting like those boys aren't his family? I'm sorry, if that's your mindset, you're not a fan. Not at all.

Also I'm not comfortable with the idea of a Wenee selca day. Like, just keep it on mbbsd if y'all want one so badly, we already celebrate Wonho on those days. Of course I never celebrate selcas days so honestly I should keep my mouth shut, but I just wanted to share my personal feelings.

Lastly I will support the fuck out of Wonho as a proud webebe but I will always be his mbb too. That will never change. And I will continue to support and hope for MX OT7 to happen one day because honestly this whole situation has gotten a little to heavy and heartbreaking for me. I just want them to be together and be able to share their friendship publically and professionally.

Well that's my rant, sorry to go off like that but I find writing things down really helps me mentally work through my feelings. I'm also sorry if this offends anyone, it's just my opinion, pls respect it just as I respect yours.

Thank you all and stay safe and be healthy.

[windless-hurricane]

Pennywise and the Dancing Girl

Chapter 1: The Shadow Girl

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SUMMARY: At the moment, I want this to be solely mysterious. I will say though that the "Shadow Girl" isn't who she seems and this will eventually become a Henry x OC (or reader) fanfic.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Before I begin, this story takes place in the 2017 IT universe. I also shifted some pieces of information around. So before I'm scolded for inaccuracies, I'll say them now. First off, I combined the Derry Middle School and High School. I wasn't sure if that was the case in the movie, but it wasn't stated. Nevertheless, I will still refer to it as Derry High. The main character is 14 and a freshman (going on sophomore). The entire Losers Club will be in 8th grade (going on to be freshmen) and all 13. The Bowers Gang are all sophomores (going on juniors) and 15, excluding Henry who is 16.

WARNINGS (for the entire series): Explicit language, violence, graphic scenes involving blood and/or death, some sexuality possibly, and some underage drinking and drug use.

WORD COUNT: 2.7k

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It was the last day of school. I couldn't lie and say I wasn't somewhere near excited. I knew it wasn't the last day of school altogether, but it would definitely be a step up from my current status as a freshman. All 8th graders dream of becoming freshmen; but once they realize the difficulties of dealing with upperclassmen, they want to join them. That had been the same mindset for me. Not only was I freshman, I was a transferee. That normally wouldn't be such a big deal, but it was at this school.

See, Derry High wasn't a typical high school. It included middle school as well. So, almost all the children here were attending this school for half their lives. They started in 6th grade and ended as seniors. Everyone knew everybody. Due to that, I thought I'd become a perfect candidate for teasing. I was practically fresh meat. However, that didn't happen. Why? Because I was barely noticeable. I kept to myself, hardly spoke a word to anyone, and moved swiftly through the halls like a shadow, avoiding certain people. It soon had become an objective to avoid four sophomores in particular: Henry Bowers, Patrick Hockstetter, Victor Criss, and Reginald "Belch" Huggins.

They were douchebags who got a kick out of tormenting anyone they saw below them. As a result of their animosity, even the juniors and seniors were afraid of them. You never messed with the "Bowers Gang" as they called themselves. I, a rarity, was not afraid of them and never would be. I just wanted to stay the shadow that I liked being and it became a promise to myself.

I kept to that promise for the entire year and now all I had to do was get through this day like any other. Then, it would be summer vacation, which was full of reading and...reading. I didn't have any friends, but I was satisfied with that. It was better to not get too attached to people you would end up leaving. In a way, that was my curse: the inability to care for anyone because you are not worth caring for. But it would be ok.

I walked through the front doors of the school, clutching the straps to my bag. Other students were already situated inside, engaging in morning chatter and shenanigans. I...went straight to my locker. I knew I had to empty it out and it would be better to do it now than later. So, I put in the combination and got to work. I wasn't necessarily the neatest, but it didn't look like the aftermath of a hurricane. Just messy. There were notebooks, textbooks, and a bunch of scattered and crumbled pieces of paper. It didn't take long to stuff these into my bag and throw what was left away. I closed my locker with a slam, but it didn't echo like it normally would because of background conversation.

I glanced around and my eyes ending up following the scene of two boys running away in the direction opposite to mine. Moments after, Henry Bowers and his gang of misfits were in the shot. He had an apparent smirk on his face. Probably from gloating because of the amount of power he had over the kids here. The thought of it was enough to make me roll my eyes; but I continued to watch, seeing if he would do anything else. He didn't. Just as I was about to turn away, his eyes met mine. He knew I had been staring and didn't have the intention of letting me go.

His eyes were crystal blue and they contradicted mine: my chocolatey brown. However, they still managed to be darker than mine and mine brighter than his. He didn't hold any expression in his face and neither did I. It was just blank staring. This wasn't the first time we did this. Occasionally throughout the year, we'd find each other's eyes, but never did anything about it. He didn't know me and he assumed I didn't know him. We had never been in the same vicinity as each other because if he was ever too close, I would've found a way out. All we had was this.

I hated to admit it, but he was quite pretty to look at. It didn't throw my hormones out of whack or anything. I stared at him because of his eyes. His eyes were dark, beautiful, and so familiar to me. I couldn't put my finger on it. It seemed I had looked into those eyes even before I knew him. There was something that intrigued me about them. I knew there was something hidden there. Even if I already had an idea, I longed to know myself.

I gulped out of my trance and released the handle to my locker. I stared just a bit longer until I turned away, losing sight of him and those eyes. Who would've known that days later Henry would tell me himself that he saw me as this mysterious girl that he wanted to crack. A girl that actually drew him in.

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I was able to make it through three classes of Algebra, English and History. Since it had been the last day of school, we hardly did anything. There was clearly no homework to assign or assignments to finish. It was either a free for all with limited volume or we watched a movie on the projector. I was only interested in the movie. Currently I had one more class until lunch and no doubt, it was going to be the same as the others. It was actually quite a relief. Relaxing felt...nice. It nearly brought a smile to my face before I was interrupted.

My head snapped up on impulse as I heard a loud smack echo through the hallway. It didn't startle me, but it certainly caught my attention because before I knew it, I was rounding the corner quickly with a newfound purpose. It was a boy and he was lying on the ground. Getting a clearer shot, I saw that it was Eddie Kaspbrak, the local hypochondriac. I never knew him on a personal level, but I always saw him around. As you can tell, I knew a lot more about him than he did me. That's how it usually was with people. I knew along with him being a hypochondriac, he was a germaphobe who constantly expressed his paranoia to his friends. Other than that, he was quite funny and would never shut up about the evils of sickness and blessings of cleanliness. I sometimes found it rather cute.

He was also a favorite plaything of the Bowers Gang, along with the rest of his friends, Bill Denbrough, Stanley Uris, and Richie Tozier. I saw them around quite often too, either goofing off or arguing. I wonder where they were to have left Eddie alone. To have left him alone with Bowers and the dick squad. Maybe he was just unlucky. Henry had been manhandling Eddie's fanny pack and dumping its contents onto the floor beside him. I could only assume Eddie tried getting it back, but was only met with a shove to the ground. All I did was stare. It seems that's all I was good for.

Even though they deserved a good beating, I never interfered. It was part of the promise and it hadn't been difficult to maintain until now. I nearly wanted to break it. I don't know why, but the feeling was there. It wasn't enough to push me though as the fanny pack was already empty. I watched as Henry threw the pack at Eddie's face and mouthed something that I couldn't make out. Most likely it was some humiliating insult. I looked to Eddie and his expression killed me. Was it - sadness? Anger? Disappointment? It could be helped.

I walked over quietly and squatted down near him as he sat up. He gave me a shocked and questioning look before I began to gather his belongings into the fanny pack. He wasn't moving or saying anything, just watching like I had been moments ago. There was an inhaler, a few containers of pills, bandage. I guess this also served as a small first aid kit. Nice. I stood up and glanced around, making sure I collected everything. I had, expect for Eddie. I zipped up the pack before reaching my hand out to him. His expression managed to change. Why was he looking at me like that? It's like I was some miracle. Then, he looked to my hand and I smiled softly,

"Don't worry. I just came from the bathroom. It's clean."

His gaze switched between my face and hand until he finally took it. His was oddly soft. I helped him up gently and let it go as soon as he was up.

"Um, here," I muttered out, handing him his pack. He was still staring at me and finally, he snapped out of it. He took it quickly.

"T-thanks...um..." he cocked an eyebrow.

"Emma," I finished. "Emma Gray."

"Thanks, Emma." Red found its way onto his face. Was he really blushing?

"It's no problem. No one should face a jagoff alone." He smiled and it made me smirk. I reached into the side pocket of my bag and pulled out my mini bottle of hand sanitizer, showing it off to him. "I noticed you were almost out and you're definitely going to need a lot more to get rid of the stench of Bowers and his goons." I breathed out a laugh. "Here." I handed it to him and he took it almost joyfully.

I smiled completely and for once, it felt real. However, it was short lived. The bell rang.

"Shoot," I groaned. "We should get to class, like, now. It was nice talking to you. See you around, Eddie." I know I didn't give him time to respond, but there wasn't time for a response. I turned around and headed the opposite direction to class.

(EDDIE'S P.O.V.)

"Wait," I called out, but she was already gone.

"Damnit." How did she already know my name? I looked at the bottle she gave me and her name was written across the label in black marker. Her handwriting was beautiful. I let my thumb run over her name as I smiled to myself.

"Emma - Emma Gray."

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(BACK TO EMMA'S P.O.V.)

I made it through Biology and as expected, we watched a movie - a real boring one about the inner mechanisms of a cell. It was over and time for lunch. I was looking forward to it because of what I packed today. If I did it right, it was going to be delicious. I began to fantasize about the greatness of my meal until I was forcefully pulled out of it. Could the world just not leave me to my mind today? Geez.

It was a noise and a deafening one at that. It came from down the hall and it was loud enough to make me wince, slight pain being brought to my ears. Who was it this time and why do they keep interrupting me? Thinking about it more, should I even ask? Knowing this school and its students, it was without a doubt Bowers. Did I want to find out? No. Would I inevitably end up finding out? Yes. This was the only way to the damned cafeteria.

I inched slowly down the hall, not in any rush to get an answer. I wasn't a nosy person. I actually considered myself quite considerate of other people's business. Then, I heard whimpering. I rolled my eyes harshly as I quickened my pace. What's wrong with you, Emma? Why are you being so interactive today? Why the hell do you even care? No one else in this god forsaken school does, why should you? Don't you remember the promise? You're too good for this, but maybe there was a reason not to be too good. Maybe it was Eddie and his call for help.

I rounded the corner and it wasn't Eddie, loosing a good amount of motivation. It was Ben Hanscom, the other new kid. Chubby, adorable, vulnerable, and being pushed up against the lockers by Bowers while his goons watched in amusement. I scoffed. This was the second time today. Was this really his way of celebrating the last day of school?

"Hey!" Oh, Emma. What the hell are you doing? You know you could care less.

All five boys turned their attention towards me with different expressions on each of their faces. Ben's eyes were pleading and hopeful while he was completely red in the face. Patrick was smirking creepily and it was enough to make me shudder. Victor and Belch actually held a similar look that reeked of 'Who the hell is this girl?' For the main star, he just looked pissed.

"The fuck do you want," he questioned deeply, his eyes peering into me.

"For you not to be a conniving dickhead," I stated proudly, stopping in front of them with my arms crossed. I don't know where this surge of confidence was coming from, but I kinda liked it.

"The fuck did you just say to me," he let go of Ben and started lurking towards me. This was the perfect chance for him to get away. The boys were entirely focused on me. I looked passed Henry's shoulder and my eyes met Ben's. He was terrified and astonished. I nodded my head up slightly, gesturing for him to go. He didn't get it the first time; but after repeating it, he got it and ran away. I looked back to Henry,

"You heard me." This is the closest I've ever been to him. We were nearly a foot apart. He was significantly taller than I was, not a giant, but taller. Had surprisingly muscular arms and I never noticed the upturn of his nose before. He broke the distance with one more step. I wanted to step away because of the awkwardness, but I also didn't want to give him the satisfaction. I simply kept my arms crossed and craned my neck up to look at him. He did the opposite with his neck, but also crossed his arms. Maybe this was a way of establishing dominance.

"I don't think I heard you quite right. Mind repeating what you said," he pushed. He was trying to scare me, but I don't scare easy.

"I said, I don't want you to be a conniving dickhead."

"I don't care about what you want," he retorted.

"You're the one who asked, honey." He let out a breathy laugh.

"No one gets away with talking to me like that, sweetheart."

"I think I just did."

"I like her," a voice called out. I soon realized it belonged to Patrick. Shame because I didn't like him. "What're we going to do with her, Henry?" Henry opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

"I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to walk away and enjoy myself a lovely meal in the cafeteria, while you four stand around and play with each other's dicks. And then you're never going to bother me ever again. Got it? Ok." I moved to walk past him, but he grabbed my bicep instead.

"It's not that easy," he told me, squeezing roughly. I yanked my arm away harshly, catching him off guard.

"It is that easy because I'm not afraid of you, Henry," I let out through gritted teeth. With that, I pushed past him, hitting my shoulder with his purposely.

(HENRY'S P.O.V.)

Patrick scoffed, "You're just going to let her get away with that? She deserves to be taught a lesson to." I agreed. I completely agreed, but she wouldn't be easy.

"I know," is all I managed to say before I turned to face them. "Do any of you know her?" They all shook their head uselessly, causing me to roll my eyes.

Vic was the only one to speak,

"I know she's a freshman, just not the name." I nodded,

"Lets get outta here." I walked ahead, knowing they would automatically follow. It was that girl. She knew my name, but I didn't know hers. It bothers me, but a lot more than it should. How could I not know the name of a girl like that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THAT IS THE END OF CHAPTER 1. Hopefully you enjoyed it! This is the first chapter of a definite series :)