#i don't spend all my time in a single room where i fester and ache for some impossible better life
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lies face down on my bed and develops mental illness^2
#i realized exactly why i can't front for extended periods without hanging out with a lot of irl people#i NEED to be surrounded by humans or else i start forgetting how to be one of them#(or at least as close as i can get. as close as really matters)#i need people i need connection and i'm at a place in my existence where i can like admit that#but without all that... i just get so....fucking crazy#my bedroom gets too small for me#i lose shape i unravel#i want too much that i can't have#back to square 1 for me in a way...#but it's INFURIATING because no i already did this!#i got better!#i learned how to be vulnerable and trust and be kind and love!#i'm not just that one mean cold protector alter anymore!#i don't do this anymore!#i don't spend all my time in a single room where i fester and ache for some impossible better life#but no this time it's not even about me#it's about the transphobia and the fact that this place has long ceased to be safe#the old places aren't safe anymore and there's nowhere new that's any better#this whole city is a trap and i'm right in the middle of it#and that's isolating#and we all know how i do under isolation#(bad)#(really fucking bad)#fae.exe
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