#i don't onow what the solution is but i know it's not ignoring the problem or yelling at each other about it

[deqdyke]

With you on the bi bf thing

So many bi girls I know have the shittiest least allyish bfs in existence and it's like don't bring him to pride I don't want him here

Pride is meant to be the one place I feel safe. EVERYONE should be thoughtful about who they are bringing into it.

See I actually have had the opposite experience. Bi women who I connect with and befriend interpersonally tend to be really great, and have boyfriends who I love just as much if not more than them! Some of my most healing experiences with men have been with the straight partners of bi women I'm friends with.

But that's also, to a certain degree, a selection bias. And I've had bi women at pride (who I know to be bi bc... It's Pride and everyone is wearing color matched clothing and flags and stuff) call their boyfriends to try and assault me for using the restroom! Like I don't think banning straight people at pride is at all the way to go or conducive to community-building. Plausible deniability and ally attendance is a crucial element for a lot of people's comfort and safety attending pride events. Biphobia results in higher rates of bisexual isolation, homelessness, abuse, etc. even when controlling for population sizes and other identities. Making sure bi people, especially bi women (who face very high rates of ipv and abuse, even within gay relationships) feel safe in our spaces is incredibly important. Because those shitty boyfriends people discourse about might be a threat to them, and isolating them by deterring them from community events and resources is the worst way we could handle it. Like, it IS also a safety issue for bi women. Not in every case, but as a class.

But at the same time, the negative experiences I've had mean that I get anxious and shaky at the thought of going to pride or gay clubs/events. And I feel like there needs to be more open discussion within communities to figure this stuff out. A core part of my approach to organizing spaces comes from my experience in disabled/crip pride spaces, and the idea that no space can be perfectly accessible due to competing needs. I think that this might be a case where bi women and trans women have competing access needs, and open, heartfelt, non-defensive discussions between trans women and bi cis women needs to happen. Both bi people and trans people have baggage and trauma due to past experiences of exclusion and mockery within the community, so the knee-jerk defensive reactions that happen when this topic comes up are only natural. It's hard and stressful to talk about, but I think approaching it not as a situation where one side is incorrect or wrong for their needs in a space, but one where a compromise needs to be reached and accommodations created is a good way to look at it.