#i don't know why it matters i struggle to perceive people as real

[arsenicflame]

ok really struggling to find balance i think i might log off again till thursday, you know the drill, queue keeps ticking you probably wont even notice im gone

[unproduciblesmackdown]

(genderly) chill as hell if i was only ever glimpsed / detected like this

[furiousgoldfish]

Does anyone else feel like their perception of love is wrapped and unrealistic?

For instance, I don't believe that I can feel true love towards anyone, because I won't ever truly feel relaxed or safe next to anyone; I won't fully trust them, I will struggle all I possibly can against getting attached to them, I won't count on them or expect anything out of them, I won't make plans, I won't imagine a future, I will insist on staying an independent entity. So I don't believe I can achieve true closeness or love, I think I'm fundamentally lacking in trust and relying on others, and I also won't believe another person if they say they love me, I won't trust that they can perceive me correctly, I will always project some kind of negative image of myself onto them and then believe this is what they truly think of me.

But on the other hand, I will also do anything in my power to not cause any harm to this person; I will not make false promises, I will not betray them, I am unlikely to say or do anything that even risks bringing harm onto them. I will look into and do research about anything they're struggling with and try my best to help, I will talk them trough anything they need to talk trough. I won't judge them unless they've done something evil, I won't allow my prejudice to form my opinions of them, I will look at their life trough their eyes before I look trough my own. I will hear them out about anything that has ever happened to them and care for them trough it. I won't be able to stay still if they need help, I won't reject or ignore their bids for attention and communication, I won't rest until I know they're okay, and I'll make it my business to make another person happy.

I feel like for some people love is a level of care and stability that doesn't even need to be that high, just as long as it's there, and I do that naturally, I care for every person in my surroundings to a high level, but I don't consider it real because I have no trust, I have no expectations, and I never imagine anyone to stick around.

So what I'm saying is, why is trust being propped as the most important part? Just because I don't trust someone doesn't mean I don't care for them, do people only care for others if they trust others will be there forever to potentially return that favour of care? Is this where I'm fundamentally different from normal people, that I can't function in that way? Do people love only if there's a sense of a shared future which they can keep as an idealized goal in their mind, and then the love and attention they give is supposed to bring them there? Is that actually a more natural progression of love, believing in the other no matter what so that the urge to keep giving love to them keeps being strong, because it has a purpose, a goal and a future to build? Is that just how normal people live, is it natural to expect to build a life that you want based on foundation of love? Is it messed up of me to care while expecting to be left and betrayed at any moment? Is it self hatred that I do that? Or is it self-protective, based on learned experience?

What are other people's definitions of what love is? Is it instinctual or on purpose? Does it need all human instincts and natures to function seamlessly, or once trust and expectations are written out, it can no longer be achieved? Does it require that endless trust and blind faith in the forever future? Does it tolerate a certain level of betrayal and lack of attention or interest? Do these things not even matter if the other person believes this is just a part of love? How would you describe what love is? Do you feel capable of it?

[magenta-embers]

Fetus Jimin's Blatant Crush on Jungkook

Today I wanted to travel back in time and put a spotlight on a period of utmost importance when it comes to understanding the full picture of Jikook and part of what makes it such a legitimate possibility.

Believing that they could truly be a couple now is made as easy as breathing when you observe their history. You need the whole context to take Jikook from just another ship to something potentially very real. It's a context that the other pairings in the group just don't have.

The Jimin and Jungkook we know now are settled and comfortable with themselves and with each other. You could call them domestic. But back in the day, say 2013-2015, it was a different story.

To put it simply: Jimin and Jungkook had a massive mutual crush on each other and it wasn't even remotely subtle.

Most Jikookers know what I'm talking about, but if you haven't had a chance to look deeper into the context of these two together, here's a teensy intro.

I'm gonna share a select few of my personal highlight moments exhibiting Jimin's crush + his confusion/acceptance regarding it. There are hours of moments to choose from and an image/gif limit, so we'll keep it to a minimum.

We're going to focus on the Jimin side of things today. Jungkook will probably get his own post as these two expressed their feelings quite differently.

Present-day Jimin is very good at compartmentalizing what thoughts or parts of thoughts he shares with us. He's vague in all the right areas, chooses his words carefully, omits certain details, and is overall pretty masterful at the parasocial aspect of being an idol. Back then though?

Holy sweet mother of pearl, he just said and did anything.

He was honest (embarrassingly so) and he wore his heart on his sleeve. Because of this fumbling period with no brain-to-mouth filter, there exists some incredible retrospective insight into how Jimin feels about Jungkook at his core, without all the masking and nonchalance we get nowadays.

(Let's be real though, he still slips up)

"JK is coming."

Boy 💀

Let's get into it.

~

Exhibit A

This first section is going to look at a very young Jimin's struggle with these new, unfamiliar feelings he's been having lately (not necessarily in exact chronological order but some highlights within the "budding crush" stage).

A.1

While affectionately petting the maknae's hair and nape, Jimin wonders aloud why he likes Jungkook so much, as if he likes him an abnormal amount or differently than the five other friends he has in the group. If anything, Jimin should have liked Tae the most at this point since they were friends from school. Yet, Jimin openly questions what makes Jungkook different.

It's an introspective question disguised as a rhetorical one. Obviously, Jimin doesn't want JK to answer and JK, shy as he is, doesn't know how to answer a loaded question like that so he tries to redirect Jimin's attention to actual matters. It doesn't quite work.

Jimin then says, "These days, Jungkook..." and trails off while scratching his head with lighthearted frustration as if to say, "These days, Jungkook... plagues my mind," or something to that sentiment. JK's on his mind a lot and it confuses him. He doesn't finish the sentence but instead brushes it off with a laugh.

He holds back because it'll look weird to people if he gets into how much he thinks about JK or unpacks why. Still, he can't help but start to talk about it, because it's something that's actively bothering him.

A.2

Like I said, not only does Jimin think about JK too much, but he's also thinking about how people will judge him for how he perceives Jungkook. People might think he's strange.

Why?

JK's the timid maknae with big, curious eyes. Of course, he's cute. Everyone will agree. Everyone does agree. So why is Jimin concerned with what he can say about Jungkook that's okay to others? He even pouts sadly for a moment at the end. The maknae's cute and he's kind of glum over it? He's definitely been overthinking it.

Also, the way Jimin cartoonishly moves his head and eyes while talking about how bewildered JK always is and how adorable he is for it is a hilarious attempt at being nonchalant, but to me, it just looks like a schoolboy trying not to seem gushy about his secret crush.

A.3

Jungkook's so cute and so charming that Jimin can't function like he wants to. Can't live properly because Jungkook's on his mind constantly. He's super distracting. Is this a normal friendship thing? No. You don't see Hobi or Joon saying this about him. It's a problem exclusive to Jimin. And exclusive for Jungkook.

Jimin knows it's weird too. He's acting lighthearted about it, but to randomly say, "I can't live because of you" and keep bumping into JK is his frustration bleeding through. All the while he can't take his eyes off him as if he's trying to solve his dilemma right then and there.

Overall, It seems like Jimin doesn't understand what it is he's feeling, just that it's a lot, which makes me think that up until the Jungkook point, he hadn't really considered his sexuality on a meaningful level. We know that Jimin was the least experienced romantically, so it wouldn't surprise me if that's the case.

It's okay, Jiminie. You'll figure out a lot of things about yourself sooner rather than later.

Exhibit B

This section is about a period of time when Jimin accepted his crush and became unbelievably annoying vocal about it. You could also do an essay on why he was so in everyone's face about it.

B.1

Man, he just outright said it, huh?

Jimin wants to be with Jungkook and go on a date with him and hold hands.

Okay, pack it up everyone, we're done here. He like likes him, oooooooh!

Look at him clinging to JK's clothes and merrily skipping forward holding his wrist. Bless his heart. As Jimin once mentioned, "My heart that thinks of Jungkook is quite big."

Peep everyone else's reactions. JK has no objections and is just basically making his "Yeeeeeaaaah" face. Namjoon and Yoongi are a mix of confused and exasperated, both going, "What?" at the inappropriate(?) answer. Hobi attempts a poker face.

They shove Jimin away and attempt to move on...

And Jimin comes right back, practically leaps on Jungkook to plead with him to "live happily together." Okay.

When I tell you he's embarrassing.

Now Namjoon is straight-up irritated because Jimin didn't get the hint and is ruining the interview. He rolls his eyes and shoves them both back this time like he knows he's gotta get rid of the whole equation.

Hobi's glare poker face fails and he attempts to redirect focus to the topic with his own answer, complete with a pointed hand gesture.

Yoongi has a genuine scrunch of judgy confusion as if he just doesn't get wtf Jimin is trying to do because he should know better or why he's acting so clingy right now.

Jungkook quietly preens under Jimin's attention, but it's also awkward because he can read the room, so he doesn't quite know how to react other than remain pliable. He does reach for Jimin's hand subconsciously though.

I don't think it's even necessary to keep going, but oh ho ho, we're gonna keep going.

B.2

Tae: "I think he kind of likes men."

Now, I don't love the way Tae blurts this out, putting Jimin on the spot and nearly outing him. But also, it's meant to be a joke and he likely doesn't know yet just how on the nose he really is. Tae has grown and matured a lot over the years, so forgive him for this blip.

I imagine Tae has had to sit through a lot of sus rants from Jimin about Jungkook at this point. Because it's interesting that the statement came out of him so readily as if he's considered this about Jimin more than once. He's one of the closest people to Jimin, so if he's been pondering this about his friend then it's a pretty significant observation.

Now how does Jimin react to this out-of-pocket accusation? Is it:

a) "Haha, noooo!"

b) "What are you saying?"

c) "Not like that!"

d) "Come on now."

e) He doesn't deny it whatsoever.

If you answered e, you get a sun and moon sticker. It would've been so easy and expected for Jimin to deny this claim, but he doesn't. Because he can't. Because he'd be lying. Because he does kind of like men. Especially one in particular. And Jimin is just too honest.

He does very gracefully tiptoe around a confirmation (and a shutdown of the topic) by telling Tae he doesn't like him specifically. His reflex was to be defensive of himself and how much he likes Jungkook. It also further confirms that how Jimin likes Tae (his best friend) is different from how he likes Jungkook. It's all truly very telling.

(JK's reactions are very cute, but we won't get into that here.)

B.3

Host: "You're free to go anywhere in the world with anyone you want to do anything you wish. Where are you, what are you doing, and who are you with?"

Jimin:

Really? He had this romantic-ass answer ready to go. The other members gave normal answers about family and such. Jimin could've easily. But no. He then smiles sweetly over at Jungkook. The host is actually flustered by his answer and translates what he says, but conveniently leaves out the holding hands part.

But this is a fluke, right? He just said Jungkook as a silly answer, right?

Oh, look! Another instance when he can answer with anything and still ends up being honest.

"I think Jungkook is very cute." It's his go-to answer when people ask him why he likes JK so much. People keep mentioning it because his liking for Jungkook is noticeably and abnormally loud. Yet, Jimin's usual answer isn't really a complete answer, is it? "Cute" can be part of a reason, but not the whole reason. Cute is the safe detail he can share.

Lmao at Tae's side-eye at Jimin fawning over Jungkook shamelessly. You can tell he's thinking, "...this mf likes men" again. He hasn't perfected that Tae poker face just yet.

So Jimin really wants that private trip with Jungkook, hey? Why not with Tae, his bestie? His soulmate? Tae's also very cute, no?

Because he doesn't mean a friend trip.

(Don't fret, Jiminie. You'll get your private trip with Jungkook and it'll be beyond your expectations.)

B.4

A couple of examples of Jungkook being aggressively on Jimin's mind even when he's just answering basic questions.

No one: So, what do-

Jimin: Jungkookie <3

Literally, who asked? No one's twisting his arm here to make him answer "Jungkook" with romantic implications under these totally general questions. He could've answered with literally anything else.

Some thoughts:

If he was being speedy and just writing/saying the first things that popped into his head, it still means Jungkook is at the forefront of his mind. Plagues his mind, if you will.

If he was carefully considering the questions and answering honestly, it still means Jungkook is heavily weighing in his mind at a vulnerable level.

Jungkook still came before performing and receiving attention. The first thing. Not the last thing as a joke because Jimin couldn't think of anything else.

He makes sure to stake his claim over Jungkook in his description of him. "Mine." How fanfic.

His weakness is Jungkook. He can't resist him. Point blank. Why would he say that? How else am I supposed to interpret that?

Jungkook reaches every corner of Jimin's mind. Even if Jimin manages to convince himself he's just being playful and jokey, it's the repetitive nature and exclusivity of Jungkook being involved in his answers that are eyebrow-raising and give him away. He might as well doodle hearts around "JK" all over the page. It's a textbook crush. He's infatuated with this person he thinks is unattainable.

B.5

"Happy Birthday Jeon Jungkook! Please accept my love!" followed by blowing a kiss, an awkward giggle, and a glance at Jungkook.

What love? He's already accepted your platonic love; you guys are good friends, attached at the hip, and Jungkook's made it explicitly clear he likes you a lot and appreciates how well you treat him/take care of him. What more do you want him to accept, exactly, Jimin?

Again, unnecessary. No one's making him say this. No one's expecting him to say this. No one wants him to say this. And yet.

B.6

Manifest your dreams, Jiminie.

I don't even have to explain to you how common the "We look like a couple! Haha, just kidding... Unless?" thing is. We've all been there. You want to plant the seed in your crush's head. You want them to think about it, to consider the image of you two together. Jimin's planted a whole grove in JK's head with the way he's been all over him these couple of years.

Exhibit C

The kisses.

The amount of times Jimin either asks to kiss Jungkook, asks Jungkook to kiss him, or tries to kiss Jungkook is quite frankly absurd. These are just some examples. Some!

Imagine this was your friend who keeps trying to kiss you. For years. Jokes get really old really fast. You'd laugh and play along the first time. Laugh it off the second time. Force a laugh the third time.

At what point would you start wondering if your friend has legitimate feelings for you?

At what point do you think Jungkook did?

Especially considering Jimin's general behavior toward him.

(The other members don't laugh when it happens in front of them. It's always either wtf are you saying or they change the subject with visible discomfort.)

What Jimin is doing here (via "jokes") is testing Jungkook's boundaries, gauging his reactions, because he's interested in him beyond platonic limits. He really, really wants to kiss Jungkook and fantasizes about it, but he will not make a serious first move out of fear of being rejected.

Food for thought: Post-2015, Jimin doesn't ask Jungkook for kisses anymore or beg him to love him back, while coincidentally also becoming intimately touchier than ever with each other.

Perhaps Jimin finally got what he wanted? Hmm...

~

We can stop here. I think you get the point.

Everyone, say it with me now: Jimin wants Jungkook romantically.

He wants to go on dates with Jungkook.

He wants to hold hands with Jungkook.

He wants to kiss Jungkook.

He's expressed these things in every way he can:

He's acted them out.

He's said them aloud.

He's written them down.

Over and over and over again. What more do you want? I am not assuming anything. To say that he doesn't is just blatantly ignoring poor Jimin screaming it from the rooftops to fit whatever agenda you have. It's a you problem.

If you want to see more examples of everything (because there are still plenty), just watch this. In fact, watch every video on this channel. Treat yourself.

Also thanks to this heaven-sent channel for the captions on almost everything in this post (all gifs by me).

If I see a single one of you say with your whole chest that Jimin thinks of Jungkook in a brotherly way after this, I will hunt you down and beat your ass and your brother's ass.

Open your damn eyes.

I hope you enjoyed my spiel. Till next time!

E.

[akookminsupporter]

Namjoon gave a good interview to Vogue Spain and in it he said a few things that I thought I'd share with those of you who may not understand Spanish.

This was at the end of the article but I want to write it first:

One thing that needs to be made clear about this album is that, no matter how much the rumour mill is trying to spin it, it is by no means the end of the successful band. "Oh, I'm not leaving BTS. Absolutely not. This is the first time I'm launching a solo project like this, so I'm trying to stand up and take my first steps. But I'm ambitious and I have willpower. So I don't want to miss the opportunity to do both. So I will try my best not to lose control and steer these two ships at the same time. A lot of bands split up and fall apart, but I hope that doesn't happen to BTS. I just love the music, I love my job, I love the band members and I love myself. If I can keep both projects going, I think it can be something legendary in the long run".

Other important parts of the article:

"The k-pop industry hasn't stopped growing since we debuted with BTS [in 2013]. It's become a lot more complex and has brought a lot more people into its structures. I think there are a lot of lights, but also some slippery shadows. Many of us started our careers very early as a group: we slept and lived together as teenagers. We became a real family, which is great, but this culture has also affected me a lot, because sometimes I find it difficult to be treated as an adult who has autonomy in his decisions. I'm perceived as just another cog in the crew, in the context of a mass phenomenon",

Did you ever feel like you were getting completely lost in this delirium of success? "I used to think so, but the funny thing is that I am fully aware that it was my own choice to devote myself to the k-pop industry. Nobody pushed me into it. But yes, I have lost myself at times. Although perhaps saying this is an excess of 'self-empathy'. There is no answer. Except that, if k-pop is about recharging the batteries of a mass audience and I'm responsible for doing that recharging, then I have to keep my feet firmly on the ground. As an adult, as a musician and as a human being. And these ten years of my career have helped me define who I am and learn to love myself. But I'm still in that process, you know? All these internal struggles will be recorded on records and videos," he explains.

"Music is really necessary for the world, but, when it comes to my music, sometimes I feel like I'm producing something unnecessary. If I were to die tonight, I don't think anything would change. It might matter to some people for a while, but a farmer or a street sweeper is more relevant to the functioning of society. When I ask myself about the role of our generation in historical terms, when I look at all the digital platforms and communities out there, I am overcome with confusion. There are a lot of people who don't want to think. They have frenetic lives and turn to music or television to escape, so the last thing they want is someone trying to lecture them from a pedestal. In that context, I wonder how I can make my music matter. I haven't found an answer yet, but I keep trying to bring my own perspective to it.

As to whether he is afraid that the army he has on Instagram (42.4 million followers) might one day turn against him for a silly mistake or a blunder, RM answers bluntly. "Yes, it scares me. It scares me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When I was younger I tried to come across as a cool guy who doesn't give a shit what other people think, but I don't think that's right anymore. I care about the publicity dimension of my career and the influence I can have on others. It stresses me out, yes, but I think I can handle it. That's why I don't retire or do things like go out and drink the night away and then drive drunk. I'm human, I can make mistakes, but I will do everything in my power to be the best version of myself. One of the keys is to treat this job for what it is: a job. I don't think artists have any special rights or status.

Note: if you would like me to translate another part of the interview, let me know.

[cakemoney]

mismag thoughts under the cut cause this got personal in a weird way lol

been chewing on k and evan's argument all day because i know that the entire point of how they played it is that both k and evan are right and wrong and they both have points but the situation is complicated and they're young and have difficulty expressing themselves et cetera, but there's stuff i need to unpack before i can come at it with (at least less of) my personal bias. because the way k said "you can only take care of somebody for so long" brought up something old and just. who asked you to take care of me? who asked you to form a one-sided relationship with someone whom you perceived as broken? do you think that i want this? do you think i want to have a friend look at me with pity, as though i'm lesser? don't you think i already know exactly what i am? don't you think i'm already doing exactly what i can? if it pains you to look at me, then look away! if being my friend is too much, then leave!

but obviously, that's not what k said. (also obviously not what the real life person said.) what k said (tried to say) was: it's hard to be around someone who doesn't believe you when you express love; by refusing to value yourself, you're also refusing to value the judgment and thought and feeling of people who value you, by dismissing yourself and your own needs as insignificant you're belittling people who care about those things, and being friends with or being in a relationship with someone who keeps pushing you back and throwing your care away is incredibly draining. this doesn't make it right for her to overlook his dismissal of a poorly healed arm as a concern, but it represents a pattern that k has difficulty navigating. she wants to care, and evan keeps downplaying that care, and that makes her want to prove her care all the more because evan is important to her!

at the same time, evan's not wrong for feeling betrayed by the way k treated/treats him. these kelmpisms that come from surviving the life that he lived, that are a part of who he was no matter how much he didn't like them, went from being sexy and cool to Problems that k thinks should be fixed, but his entire life of trauma and isolation doesn't disappear just because he's dating k or just because k is no longer horny about it. evan is evan, and the way he struggles with normalcy and self worth was always going to be a long process, and it's very invalidating to hear someone say that this got old. imagine how old it feels for evan, who's been living this way his entire life.

the argument becomes about the broken magic, because them breaking up and magic being broken probably happened pretty close in time, and it sounds like they've had this disagreement before, like it had become the surrogate for discussing their own relationship to each other. evan's saying, clumsily: i told you these things, and you didn't trust me or believe me, and i'm upset by that because these issues and their consequences are things i lived through and continue to live through. k's saying, but failing to say: i know that you're making very salient points and that you already have a methodology in mind that makes sense to you, but you're asking me to sit back and do nothing, and i can't accept that; i can't accept not helping, because i care about the people this affects. in some ways, both of them are just stubborn; they just actually have different points of view, and maybe this wouldn't be a fight if they hadn't also tangled it with their straining relationship. why don't you trust me to help? why don't you trust me to handle it? why don't you trust that i have something to contribute? why don't you trust that i am doing my best?

neither of them necessarily distrust the other; they just don't trust themselves enough to let go and let someone else take the wheel, because they both think they've already fucked something up, maybe beyond repair, maybe forever. when you already doubt yourself, any sign of disapproval from someone you like and care about and respect and admire so much can feel so fatal

[good-to-drive]

would you say paul was a good husband to linda?

This is a super interesting question that I was actually just thinking about! The short answer is yes. The long answer is a little more complicated, but it's also yes.

In a way, all you really need to say about Paul and Linda is that they were happy. And I know a lot of people feel that trying to understand a happy couple is pointless (or possibly even offensive) because all that matters is that they were happy.

But I do tend to think that even a happy relationship can still be complex and interesting -- or, rather, that a real, human relationship can still be very happy. That's why I'm personally comfortable with thinking more deeply about their relationship, and those thoughts are under the cut.

Paul and Linda's relationship made them both happy and that is absolutely something to be celebrated. I also think that, like literally every other relationship in the world, the specific way in which they related to and loved one another was a product of their own personalities and experiences. It’s not necessarily fairy tale magic that made them right for each other. Or it is fairy tale magic, and fairy tales are just a lot more real and human than you might expect. 

I actually think to understand Paul and Linda it helps to look back at Paul's relationship with Jane, and how his relationship with Linda was essentially the logical follow-up.

This has been on my mind lately because I was just reading about a phenomenon where men, particularly of older generations, were shamed in childhood for wanting emotional intimacy or showing any vulnerability with their emotions (“man up,” “too old to cry”, etc.), which culminates a fear of intimacy/affection as an adult.

Because it’s generally acceptable for men to have high sexual appetites, sometimes these men will start to substitute sexual/physical intimacy for the emotional intimacy they’re deprived of, thus appearing to have a high sex drive.

(Obviously this can happen to women and young people, too, but everything I read specified that it’s most often seen in older men.) 

All this together reminded me a lot of Paul and how we often perceive him pre-Linda as having a high sex drive (i.e. cheating on Jane like a goddamn dog), and also how he seemed to fear emotional intimacy and platonic affection throughout his entire life (like when he thought George of all people was going to hit him for taking his hand on his freaking deathbed). 

It kind of makes sense given how massive and insane his life was (and how much grief and trauma he was still carrying from his childhood) that he would basically be a black hole of emotional need just like all the other Beatles were, and I genuinely wonder if he used sexuality as a band-aid for an enormous, unmet need for affection/intimacy/validation/etc. 

Which brings us to Linda, and the fact that he was able to be completely loyal to her. Which is an amazing achievement for someone who struggles with infidelity, and I definitely don't want to take that away from him, but I also think we can look a little deeper at why he was suddenly able to be loyal.

If I'm right that his high sex drive was band-aid for unmet emotional needs, then it would tend to follow that being able to be 100% loyal would mean that black hole of emotional need was being satiated, or at least soothed, by someone willing and able to do a lot of emotional caretaking to keep him happy.

Essentially, I think his newfound loyalty was a product of Linda's willingness to be a therapist/girlfriend/appeaser/etc. pretty much 24/7. (That’s barely an exaggeration btw – they spent a lot of time together). Looking at their relationship just in a practical sense, Linda really went out of her way to be with Paul all the time, to be involved in the things he cared about (even at the detriment of things that she cared about), and to make the relationship “about” him.

(Kind of a weird side note here is that John was loyal to Yoko under similar circumstances, at least until the level of emotional dependence between them got to be too much for her and she encouraged him to develop an outside relationship with May Pang, so it's arguably yet another unexpected parallel in John and Paul's lives after they “broke up” with each other.)

I've also wondered a bit why Linda was willing/able to devote herself to Paul's needs to an unusually self-sacrificing extent, but unfortunately Linda's childhood is something I know a lot less about. Some people (especially women of older generations) are deeply reliant on the need they sense in other people to give them a feeling of value. Only by being of service, by satiating the need, can they feel like a worthwhile person themselves. So in that way they're equally dependent on their partner. 

(Okay, maybe not equally, but they're still dependent).

Obviously love was the main reason Linda focused so much of her time and energy on being what Paul needed, arguably at the detriment of her own needs, but looking at it more in the context of her personality and experiences it does make me wonder about her upbringing and to what extent she was raised to believe she achieved value or lovability by being of service to others.

I think Paul's reliance on Linda to caretake his emotions for him (and Linda's potential reliance on Paul to require caretaking) could be part of why we see such extreme devotion between them, why they literally never (voluntarily) spent a single night apart in all of their marriage. It's an expression of love, yes, and also of how deeply they both relied on one another.

(It also probably indicates anxious attachment and potentially some deep rooted concerns about being cheated on, but that's speculation for another day.)

Now, all this being said, none of this changes the fact that Paul was loyal and he did adore Linda and they did spend every single moment possible with one another. I'm not bringing any of this complicated shit up to try to devalue their relationship or any of the things we love about it -- rather, I think the fact that it does come from a place of humanity and vulnerability is part of what makes it beautiful.

It's a good chance to remember that no relationship is 100% easy and simple 100% of the time, and we're all a product of our own messy internal stuff that we try to deal with and try to find other people who are also willing to deal with. And while it’s true that every relationship has a deeper story, it’s equally true that a relationship between two people with complex personalities and needs can still be extremely happy, loving, and positive for the both of them.

[subway-boss-jericho]

(threataning with art anon) yes! Rambles! Also you are so incredibly real for imagining all that stuff in different mediums (I have had similar experience) wish I could make a full animated film. That would be So Cool.

And! At one time or another I think I’ve read through the majority of the aus, but you are so right I freaking. Love the Mech AU. And coupled (uncoupled) looks like it would a verrry interesting character study (in like a “I wouldn’t do this but ingo would. Huh” kinda way)

help I’m reading them all again

also! I am here to encourage prattling I love prattling (it gives me more ideas for drawing-)

Hiii hii welcome back thank you for continuing to enable me :D

:D Yayy I'm so thrilled you like them. I never know if people actually think my wild bullshit is interesting or they just follow me for one thing (wheeze) ((Which, to be clear, is still totally fair and valid. No shame)) Of the AUs I've uploaded, I think the one that has gotten disproportionately ignored the worst is Coupled (Uncoupled). I am fucking obsessed with the coupled twins, and you're exactly right on the money there because holy Shit it's Such a character-study-rich situation to put them in. They were my in my top 3 indisputably Favorite AUs for a very long time (along with Steady Tracks and Spirit Keeper as the other two) and while I feel like I'm not super vocal about them they're still extremely high on that metaphorical list.

Realistically I could never actually list my Favorites, for the same reason why I can't really pick favorite pokemon. I like all my AUs for different reasons, so I may like one aspect of a given AU more than a different aspect of a different AU, but actually Ranking them As Favorites would be virtually impossible. Just know that I'm horribly fucking ill about coupled uncoupled more than most of the other smaller ones. Some day I'll vibe check you all so fucking hard with art or animation or writing out of left field that is about them, and then none of yall fucks will ever be normal again /lh /j

Actually. I've been struggling to write a caption for this thing so I can post it for months. Check this out:

I'M SO NORMAL ABOUT THEM.

Slaps top of this guy. He can fit two people's worth of the worst existential socio-emotional crises in him. I love gel pens.

I've decided to keep rambling about whatever the fuck on this topic, but I'm putting a cut here for my sanity:

Anyway! I really did make this AU entirely because I saw a fandom trend and went Whoa! Did we consider The Implications! And then didn't wait for an answer. Considering the implications is actually the Thing I Do the Most as I am writing in general, as any friend of mine can easily confirm. It's how a decent number of my AUs happened. I also have a trend towards either 1. trying to make an AU that doesn't touch on anything I've seen other people doing or 2. is explicitly inspired by what I perceive as trends in the fandom. Coupled Uncoupled is one of the latter, being directly inspired by Diamond Crossing. God I was not normal about diamond crossing. I'm Still Not Normal about diamond crossing.

I'm a HUGE fan of fusion in media, just in general. I don't actually know a whole lot of examples off the top of my head other than steven universe, but fusion as a concept drives me totally crazy. What if you and your friend/best friend/closest ally/rival/enemy/lover/a stranger etc could be the same person through a process so crazy intimate and vulnerable that it forces you to expose your deepest weaknesses, insecurities, emotions and motivations fully and without restraint. Sure I can be normal about that 👍

But yeah coupled uncoupled isn't like, me looking at Diamond Crossing or any other fic for that matter and going "I could do it better/I don't like insert plot point A," it was actually me looking at diamond crossing and going holy FUCK this is the COOLEST SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN. I need to participate in this or I am going to die. Then I came up with a million different ideas of fusion stories I thought would be interesting to tell, identified aforementioned trope of using the b2/w2 DNA splicers as a plot device, and went. ohohohohohohhoohohohoo i could do something silly and fucked up me thinks.

What if fusion was great and cool and awesome and a coping mechanism for a trauma/grief and also not what you thought and also more than you bargained for and also didn't give you the closure you were expecting and ALSO you didn't know how to make it stop.

Fusion as a mistake. Fusion as a regret. Fusion as a character flaw. Fusion as a major conflict (that isn't inherently connoted about?? forms of abuse and toxic relationships?? can we use fusion as a metaphor for other nuanced things too?? pls let me have this /lh)

Anyway their story is extremely complex and just by listing off ^ that I am extremely underselling the level of interwoven conflict and complicated emotional states of all parties involved so please do not misunderstand and think that one of the twins is fucked up and evil. I swear i didn't mischaracterize them that badly 🤣 The main point of the story, just off the top of my head, is actually focused around the theme of vulnerability, conflict resolution, and the strength of relationships founded on communication.

Trying to avoid spoiling The Entire Plot because I really think Coupled (Uncoupled) is going to be my next major fic project but in essence it does get better and this new tool available to them only opens the door for them to be closer than ever before and express care and compassion in new ways unique to them. i might make myself cry if I keep yammering. i care them

God I totally just used your ask as an excuse to go off. I've been doing that every time you send an ask, actually. This is why I love asks. Tysm <3 And I hope you enjoyed reading or if you didn't and TL;DR then basically god i'm so ill about them.

Every day I think about how a friend of mine made an entire animatic for this AU and yet we can't put it anywhere because we both want to remake it digitally. thats going to be one hell of a day when that bombshell drops

Thank you for the ask, and as always thank you for listening!

Coupled (Uncoupled) Masterpost

[gemsofgreece]

Thats such a shame re: the Greek class community. I've been trying to do my best to learn greek for the last little bit, but methods for doing so are rather... limited? It's easier to learn basic Spanish here in the US, or Chinese because my partner's family speaks it, but there isn't enough of a Greek community or anything like that in the city/area I'm closest to, and any places that offer a Greek class (not a 1:1 tutor which is hella $$$, but an actual class with a few other students) are in person only and at least a 6 hour drive away :(

Re: apps, so many have started integrating AI to generate lessons that native speakers (of multiple languages!) Have called them out on having down right incorrect information.

I've got vocabulary lists and Greek radio stations, but they talk so fast that it's really just for immersion right now, there's no way I can follow any of it lol

All that to say, I (and I'm sure many others) appreciate your language posts, they've been super fun/interesting/helpful, so thank you for posting them (despite tumblr being... tumblr)

Thank you! I am really happy to know they actually help some people in their effort of learning Greek or deepening their understanding of it.

It might be perceived as sabotaging people's efforts or killing their motivation but I can't help but agree that the resources for Greek are limited and often of low quality. Nobody who is studying Greek should feel disheartened because they struggle with it, because the resources really are not that good and it is totally legit if not expected to have trouble learning due to it.

Also, I have been seeing "entertaining" educational content left and right and even that makes me... angry. I have seen Greek-learning content that has actual mistakes and I am not even a linguist, so they are glaring mistakes and it's unacceptable to see mistakes or limited knowledge in the content of the supposed teachers. So much of the content features unserious and pointless intervals for fun, focusing on funny expressions or hand gestures or malaka malaka malaka tzatziki malaka yassou souvlaki malaka and honestly this is not a befitting image for the Greek language (or any language for that matter). And even serious resources are chaotic for real. It can not be justified because Greek is easier than Chinese, if Chinese can be taught methodically and realistically, so can Greek. Half of the Greeks making educational content don't truly believe others will learn Greek other than to say a couple vacation phrases for fun. And malaka. *sigh*

If it makes you feel any better, if I weren't a native speaker I would not be able to learn Greek with the tools and apps I have seen around, except some basic with Duolingo. Duolingo is solid. I have checked some other apps and have hated them all but people learning Greek swear by Language Transfer. I didn't get the hype at all but maybe it's a me problem. Check Language Transfer if you haven't. It has recorded actual audio lessons of a Greek teacher with a foreign student and it was originally designed with the Greek language in mind. Maybe this one offers that depth of understanding I mentioned earlier and this is why people like it. I still found it a little chaotic tbh but most people say otherwise so give it a try if you haven't.

You said something that works like a trigger in me XD about Greek being spoken very fast and being unable to follow. I admit it's bold of me to say since I am a native speaker but honestly......... I don't think we speak THAT fast. I have seen this comment many times, people joking that Greeks speak like "atdkyfkaugsakikoakistakpidakoltesiki" so I decided to look into it and there was a study confirming that Spanish and Greek said on average the biggest number of syllables per time unit. However, I kept looking into it and I found what could be clearing things out and maybe it's a trick you can use (though of course I don't know your level in Greek):

The trick is that the difference of Greek (and Spanish) is that unlike many others, they are overwhelmingly open-syllabled languages and have MANY open syllabled endings. That confuses people from more closed-syllable lingual backgrounds because they sort of miss the beats in which the word or phrase is ending and they think the speaker pronounces a never ending word or sentence and they can't follow. Furthermore, despite the openness of the syllables Greek has strong and sometimes challenging consonant clusters (quite stronger than Spanish) and people from closed-syllable backgrounds tend to think this is where a word or phrase is supposed to end but this is never the case since Greek has usually open syllables and the words never end in a consonant cluster (just a sigma or a ni at most), so they kind of miss the flow of the language. To make this false perception worse, Greek has some seriously long words and due to the open syllables it makes people feel like a lot more things are said than what is actually said! And the unpredictable stress also perhaps confuses people with a first language that is usually stressed in the same spot within each word.

For example, imagine a Greek saying in a breath:

"o-si-ði-ro-ðro-mi-kós-stath-mós"

"wow hold on a bit now"

"what...? I just said 'the rail station'!"

You know? It's like German but with a lot of vowels which adds more and more length. I don't know if this hits any close to home, maybe the difficulty you encounter is different, but I figured I should mention this potential explanation just in case. If this hits close to home, then try to train yourself to expect the pauses and the endings of words and phrases only in a vowel or a ni or a sigma. And when you start listening to the radio, don't feel defeated but keep thinking "I am listening fewer words than I think" and "I am missing less stuff than I think".

By the way, by radio you mean classic radio or podcasts? Because there are some podcasts where the narration is a bit on the slower side (to my native ears at least). Check the podcasts of LIFO, such as Mikropragmata by Ares Dimokidis. Check in general podcasts with one single speaker (because in dialogues things get more animated and faster).

From youtube, if you like science, check channels like Καθημερινή Φυσική, Astronio, Greekonomics. Obviously the vocabulary is advanced in this context but I feel they speak medium to slow.

If you like Criminology, real crime stories etc, check out Vassilikou's channel, she speaks slowly and is thinking as she speaks so I think it's a good pace.

For some lightheartedness, trash tv references, celebrity news (Hollywood and Greek), LGBTQ+ representation (mild though, he doesn't really focus on sexuality topics), check Eponimos. He speaks slowly.

And as always, I keep recommending ERTFLIX, the entirely free and internationally available Greek state TV OTT platform which has lots of good content with Greek audio and foreign content with Greek subtitles. Available in all devices, apps, platforms etc

I know you weren't really asking for help but I thought that maybe these notes would make it easier for you idk

[frogofalltime]

give me all your labels

well i guess if i were to vaguely align with some they'd be trans, poly, aspec, maybe lesbian adjacent

but i'm not really sure. i don't think any labels really fit me. they are just words that people can stick on to their experiences but they aren't Real Categories. i think i just exist in my own way and there doesn't have to be a word for that !!!

in terms of gender i don't really know what i *am*. i do not Feel Like A Woman. at all. but i do like to be perceived as a guy. i get a lot of gender euphoria from that. but i don't Feel Like A Man either. i think i like the transcendence of it all. i like having a name and a body and a presentation that is truly mine. and i think if i was born male i would still be feminine and trans. hence why it's complicated. but i like being this way. i struggled with dysphoria my whole life but these days i mostly feel so much euphoria !!! i am thriving !!! i love being an undefinable creature :D

and in terms of sexuality; who the fuck knows ??? i like many people at the same time, rather than a feeling of The One™️. i love people as friends first and then that naturally makes me want to constantly be around them and cuddle with them and hold their hand and kiss them (and maybe more than just kiss !!!). i don't really want or need sex though. i have very little experience with it, but i must feel sexual attraction of some kind i guess because i do get overwhelming feelings towards some people whereas there are many people who i definitely don't want to kiss. so what is it that makes me want to kiss some people and not others ??? must be attraction right ??? idk. i guess i am attracted to every gender of person except for cis men. somehow i cannot feel attracted to a cis man no matter how much i may love him as a friend. they're just like my brothers fr. my mates. my guys. but i don't want to make out with them !!!!! and luckily a cis man has never wanted to make out with me either lol, i am probably not the kind of person they tend to find attractive, which suits me perfectly. meanwhile women (cis and trans), trans guys, nonbinary people, etc ,,,,, GOD they're so hot. i adore them. and often they like me back too !!! which is even hotter. i love being attractive to the people that i find attractive. i even find myself attractive. is that weird ?? i just look at myself in the mirror and im like yep; that's my type. i want people who are like me, i guess. yippee

[blow-me-a-kis]

Piracy in ofmd is actually already a culture departed from cis het neurotypical society and Izzy is actually a representation of that. I think if ppl would stop treating Stede like he's injecting neurodiversity and queerness into piracy, and instead as the beneficiary of that society, they could see it, too.

I just feel like ppl who don't perceive Izzy as autistic don't really have close friendships with a lot of autistic or neurodiverse ppl IRL. That or they are still doing a lot of masking in relationships and expecting others to masks. But some of us can't.

Most ppl who interact with me IRL probably think I'm mean or rude or even stupid. I'm partially non verbal, I can't smile at strangers/on command, I can't laugh at jokes I don't find funny, I get snippy and irritable if I'm overstimulated. If you ask me how I'm doing, know that me asking you back is like pushing a boulder up a hill for me.

When I do speak it may come out slowly or come off as crytic/weird/inappropriate, and also I may say it too loud or too quiet or too late or with an inappropriate inflection or with a facial expression that doesn't match. My most embarrassing trait is that I get shouty when I'm having a meltdown and I cant help it.

On top of all that I'm Black, so ppl read me as aggressive/negative no matter how I present

I also have autistic and neurodiverse friends who are very similar to me. I have friends who are downright grating in personality, real Izzy's, who I take comfort in because I know its okay if they find me grating. They don't care if I take a long time to respond or don't respond at all when asked a question, they don't mind if I get snippy or they'll tell me directly if I hurt their feelings instead of holding it against me.

I am actually at a point in my life where I am reevaluating friendships where masking has been a requirement, where I feel the need to perform to be liked. I just want to be allowed to be boring or in a bad mood or tired or slow and inflexible, or a Bitch, because I am, and being Pleasant is just not accessible to me. I'll be 33 this year, and I'm exhausted of trying to be anything but myself.

Even the ways a lot of folks like Stede leave out his less palatable autistic traits. Like the fact that almost everyone who meets him in canon does not like him and he has to grow on most ppl. He's hard headed, annoying, presumptuous, obnoxious. This is apart of his autism as well, and why piracy suits him, FREES him.

Izzy is right at home as a pirate because of these very things also. He doesn't have to mask as a neurodiverse person or as a queer man.

I think it's safe to say a lot of ppl's classist views on piracy are reflected in their negative/unfair views of Izzy. The idea that pirates should be softer or nicer or more pleasant or even that a failure to take on these values is Toxic Masculinity (taking this phrase from fandom and putting it on a high shelf until you learn that upperclass white cis het neurotypical masculinity is not the norm and white women learn to question their motivation in normalizing the idea of systemic harm they can't participate in) neglects what Oluwande spoke about in episode one, that piracy is a culture built by people who did not have a choice to do anything but survive.

I hope in s2 we will see Stede get a taste of what that struggle is really like and abandon his classist, romantic notions of piracy.

[luxrayz64]

star thoughts after reading btw

i think something can be defined as good by virtue of quality (ie being well written) but still be really fucking awful. warrior cats is that to me

obviously they fumbled the end of this arc bad. splashtail is ultimately poorly characterised, flies completely off the handle into a complete fucking caricature.

like, we do know why; curlfeather was fucking with him Bad through the whole book. we see in the prologue that this is why he killed harelight. but cmon dude, the immediate jump to threatening kits? feels like there should've been more of an arc to get to this point.

also evil atheist as per usual. people who reject god for whatever reason will murder your children

the way riverclan immediately folds too... I stand by my bitching abt tigerbabygirlstars attempted annexing of riverclan. but holy fuck the way they were written to just fall apart is insane. he had maybe three hardcore supporters? it felt like a lot of riverclan became suddenly insanely crueller than they were - am i meant to believe gorseclaw was living in fear, when he was blocking the shadowclan patrol on the island and jeering at them?

like this happened overnight too. this was insane

anyway

i do love nighthearts growth through this arc. I love how intensely he is Best Friends with frostpaw throughout. her number 1 cheerleader. I do still kind of wish he and sunbeam had broken up but not as bad as i wish moonpaw of next arc was their kid instead

the conclusion of sunbeam and berryhearts arc..... I don't know really

berryheart is, i think, a very real villain, in that she is a horror story that has happened to a lot of people

she's been radicalised into a hateful husk of herself. the people around her are either encouraging this in her or dont know how to help her. she was, more than anything, probably just scared. she wasn't like this before.

it's the kind of thing that happens all the time in real life, watching your mother or another beloved family member get radicalised and not knowing how to reach them as they become hateful, knowing that this is not the person they used to be

i do kind of like that they treated berryheart with so much kindness. with her family choosing to remember the person she was, rather than the person she died as. sunbeams reckoning with just how far gone she was and struggling to remember the kind mother she'd known vs the cruel cat she knows.

she still went to hell. she cannot make up for what she's done. but she did still love sunbeam. the love was there. even if it was dulled and twisted and hard to see or feel. whether or not that matters is different person to person. and it was important to sunbeam

god i wish curlfeather got that much though

i do actually like that curlfeather was too stubborn to apologise. that she feels frostdawn should have been grateful. I love that characterisation for her. I love that frostdawn doesn't forgive her. I think that sunbeam and berryheart are a great mirror to frostdawn and curlfeather, being two radicalised mothers who hurt their children to fix a perceived wrong, fucked it all up bad and then died to save their children but never apologised for it.

the love was there. sometimes that doesn't matter. it didn't to frostdawn.

god i still want to know more about her so badddd. I wouldn't mind seeing her return somehow like how tigerstar haunted the series up til oots

as for frostdawn herself, holy shit i cheered when she got to take down splashtail. i fucking love that she had to choose to come back to riverclan. that being part of this clan is hard and difficult and that they ask too much of her and always have.

even after everything, she still just wanted her mum. cries.

getting to see jayclaw too!! oh i want to know his thoughts so bad. he just wants things to be easy for her. I love that both her parents are a little bit selfish in their own ways. wanting to be with his daughter instead of encouraging her to live......

was also just very happy with how fucking climactic this book was, with a full on war finally FINALLY breaking out. this arc has been ridiculous promising war and then not fucking following through.

idk im tired of typing i probably have more to say. I think i liked this arc overall even though it stretched a little thin and fumbled in quite a few ways. it was good for wc standards though. was never 'bristlefrost stands next to the moonpool for several chapters hoping her boyfriend who she fell in love with off screen' bad.

[aro-barrel]

as someone who has struggled to see myself as queer when i was younger, it frustrates me to see the de-legitimizing of aspec people as queer. it's worth discussing because biases and exclusionist tendencies don't come from nowhere and we have to remain critical of those tendencies in ourselves and others.

one of the reasons certain identities are raised as "legitimate" in the first place has a lot to do with visibility. framing LGBTQ+ rights as the "right to love whoever you want" or the right to "be who you are" has done a number on how we view queerness within the community. we aren't immune to mainstream portrayals of us. a lot of aspec people have to grapple with legitimacy because we are poorly represented. the depth of our experiences are unknown, our issues underdiscussed.

to highlight my previous point: we know that a major political "gay issue" is the right to same-sex marriage. but people seem to put an emphasis on "right to love" and not the actual legal benefits of marriage (i.e., transferring assets, hospital visits, making decisions in case of death, etc). aspec people don't get those things unless they get married. i don't think many younger aspec people know that being aspec isn't just about our "lack of attraction." we are systemically deprived of the rights granted only to married couples. (that's the basis for poly and aro solidarity.) there's a reason our identities feel prominent, why they matter at all—it's because society isn't favorable towards us.

another reason we are seen as "less legitimate" is perceived oppression. this one is stated outright by unabashed exclusionists, but the sentiment is not exclusive to them.

people (even well-meaning people) seem to think there are levels of oppression and that oppressions stack to determine how unprivileged you are. which, uh, no. it's not a video game. the way we discuss privilege in general is really fucked up. truth is, we have to live with the fact that it's not a perfectly quantifiable thing (and shouldn't be). privilege exists in dimensions beyond identity labels. to quantify it and make it the basis for inclusion/exclusion is a mistake that leads to tokenization and opens a path for wider society to de-legitimize other queer identities (this is what i mean when i say exclusionists throw others under the bus—bus-throwing begets more bus-throwing).

it only makes instinctive, reactionary sense to claim a sub-identity is less "real," especially as a community concerned with our marginalized status. but it's all the more necessary to root out these tendencies in ourselves and ask why there's any need to exclude, or assume other experiences are lesser. is there really anything to gain from claiming that bi people, ace people, or straight trans people are less legit or not "queer enough," as if it's quantifiable? (trick question: you will gain nothing but meaningless label purity and mark fellow queer people as vulnerable targets for derision.)

[firespirited]

It has been brought to my attention that people can't know me unless I let you in. You're not mind-readers or actively remembering every detail. So let's get vulnerable *awkward thumbs up*

Here are some answers to not frequently asked questions:

You can use my real name, it works for me, Saffy's a chosen name for online (and offline if people struggle with pronunciation). I like both.

Don't worry about french timezones. I sleep 14 hours a day, awake about 12, resting for about half of that. I do have to go AFK regularly to do household stuff and rest, but if i'm online it's ok to assume i'm around =)

I can't drive. Haven't learned. Finally open to the idea though.

I don't have a DNI and don't talk about squicks and stressors because Tumblr has good curation options that i use extensively: So if I don't engage with a post, it could be that it contains a specific word. Things I haven't been able to filter but can set off a spiral are gun ownership 'for protection' (science says nope). Disability and labour (specifically the idea we have to be productive and also the fact that many disabled folks are maimed by attempting work). Breath play (extremely dangerous), sloppily defined 'kink' and ill-defined long term relationships. The word glioblastoma makes me cry. Tween pregnancy, death from childbirth, covid, long covid and various aspects of rape culture get greylisted at more difficult times.

I'm ace but have no issue with erotica and nudes or most sex scenes. Doesn't do much for me, doesn't disgust me most of the time. However, I can't stand products of the porn industry: zero interest in watching the adventures of a near disembodied penis in a woman who's clearly performing. You can be sex positive, support sex work and still see the industry as detrimental. Stunt and porn performers deserve so much better.

I'm currently more financially stable than ever. It's also not much at all. Enough to choose + buy my own food and clothes. Enough to have savings for a dog's vet expenses and someone to give her 15-minute walks. It's precarious and at the whims of having a really good doctor (she's retiring soon) but it's been nice to not be scared all the time. Lily the dog is my most precious luxury and worth it.

I went a decade only seeing a GP for emergency antibiotics after medical trauma. I had to put on makeup, drink lots of sugar to stay sat upright during the visit and pretend to be weller than I was to not get put in a psych ward because he didn't "believe" in autoimmune illnesses in the young, despite being cleared by a psychiatrist and a weekly psychotherapy session for 3 months. Getting healthcare and getting it paid for has been a mixture of very good luck and a long-term uphill battle (huge amounts of online research).

I'm probably not autistic (the online science tests point towards ADHD, you could probably armchair dx that from a few posts!) but use the term 'on the spectrum' because I've been perceived as autistic since childhood, especially when I'm happy or comfortable. Can't figure out if how I identify internally matters more than how I'm seen. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm often assumed to be a lesbian. eh.

I can be easily gaslit so long as it's a very slow boil. But if pushed to think about it, a core self that I've built in the past few years emerges suddenly to give me the rational overview. The clarity of that view is brutal. just brutal. Makes me question everything about myself for a while. I feel like someone trying to walk next to a car blaring 'oonst oonst' music trying to not match the beat in steps but falling into it anyway.

I'm allergic to cats but not exclusively a 'dog person'. Papaye slept just outside the door in a dog transport cage after Christmas while upstairs neighbour was busy. I just think cats are neat, they seem fine with me.

I can't explain why the main hobby ended up being dolls, it just clicks: they're bite sized and candy coloured and cute, there are so many crafting and art options for doll collectors, always loved repair. I feel very lucky to have found such a lovely community and i'm constantly getting into new crafts, new stories and making new acquaintances because it's a place where dolls get to be just one facet for connection.

I'm going to be 41 in april, my fave flower is daffodils, my fave plant is moss, all colours are nice: pastel rainbows and shades of green from lime to teal make me happiest.

'manifesting' is my current bugbear, it's stupid, it's harmful, it's just world theory repackaged, did I mention it's stupid?

I don't like onions and garlic, not unless they're super in the background. I respect the allium lovers and can (and do) put up with the smell daily but really dislike the taste. Same with coffee except that smells amazing.

Emoticons and emojis have made typing more like real language to me, I speak with my hands and accentuate words and even emote at the screen while i'm writing. I don't find it childish, not even gifs or memes, just an extension of language.

I've changed my mind about David Fincher in the past 5 years: brilliant director yes, not great at human stories after all.

If you feel like sharing your own, let this be your prompt. 💜

[simplydnp]

I actually started crying when I read your recent post about unlearning shame. I'm so proud of you and happy that you're doing this 💗 I on the other hand am not as brave and unfortunately still present as a caricature of myself, or just another "cooler"person entirely. I'm in law school and I did fuckin modeling for like 3 years, I did fencing I'm so cool!! Except all those things I'm doing trying to be. Except the sport I actually love fencing. But still these are things that don't always feel authentic to me, sometimes they do - for example I am vain at times so whatever, I like academics and uni in general but don't know if I wanna do anything with law really. We'll see. None of my friends know about some of my real interests or thoughts (I don't think they would judge me I genuinely don't want to ruin my "image" or whatever I've created). Now that I'm typing it, I realize how sad that sounds. Anyway I'm not going to the dnp show, because none of my friends know I like them or would want to go. I don't,have online friends because I'm just a lurker from my carefully curated artsy blog where i dont post dnp lmao. Still, I wish you a great time and thank you for posting that! If I'm more brave in the future, I might go to another tour they might do in a few years

oh anon 🫂 god its brutal out here isn't it

the unfortunate part about all of this is that i Really care how i'm perceived. i'm very careful about how i present myself because i have this fear of being too much. that once people see enough of me, they'll leave. and it'll be my fault. so i simply have to walk that line. the loneliness of no one ever truly knowing. or them finding out too much and being left. because, historically, that's always what's happened.

it's especially hard when you have qualities that you think are neat and fun and special. and yet. you don't get to share them. you don't get to exist as if you are neat and fun and special. instead, you have to live up to this image of yourself that you've created. i've found in a lot of ways it's easier to slide into the mask of only being surface level deep. of molding myself into the 'expectation' laid upon me. goody two shoes. overachiever. loud. but it's just that, a mask. it's not real. but the part that hurts the most is that you keep waiting for someone to notice. and then they don't. and you convince yourself that you're just so good at it. but you can't make yourself the mask. even though i've tried.

you don't have to do law if you don't want to. i know it's easy for me to say, not having put money into a law degree. but i know what it's like to feel like your degree isn't really yours. you've got time. it's okay.

you're not alone in your struggle anon. i think fencing is hella cool and i hope you can find someone who you can chat with about it.

in terms of the shows, i told myself i was going. no matter what. and i knew i'd likely be going on my own. and then some of my lovely mutuals & friends here were like 👀. and i said ykw. fuck it. i have to travel anyway, why not do it across the ocean. and on top of that, some jokes turned real and now i'm going to iceland too. i understand waiting. but i know there's lots of people like you who are going to go to these shows and probably not know anyone. so if it's something you think you can handle, and it's financially possible, maybe think a little about going. i'm not sure when dnp are touring close to you, but you still have time. doing things for yourself is important. i think you'd have a lovely time. (and if you're stressed about the internal perception, no one needs to know you went, and no one there will know you. so it doesn't matter--at least, that's what i usually tell myself. they'll never see you again. so fuck it!)

best of luck, i hope we both can grow and thrive

[petruchio]

hope this isn't a weird and irrelevant reply to your personal post but honestly i really get what you mean. tbh i've been there too. i get how being in a place where you're confident in some aspects of yourself and doing enviable (?) things can be pretty isolating, especially if you're (perceived as) a woman, you feel like you're good at [insert some skills that matter to you], and you generally like the way you look. it can feel like you lack empathy because you don't share some of the insecurities that people around you experience and bond over (though you may be struggling with something different that they don't get), it can feel like you can't tell if you're a good friend or not because others talk about you in terms of what you've accomplished or what you have rather than who you are as a person, it can feel like your positive emotions aren't real because they're atypical and viewed as "unrelatable" idk. i feel like loving yourself and believing in your abilities is a net good but not a substitute for being around people who actually relate to your experiences. for me it's essentially feeling likable but not understandable (or understood), and ime it's something that isn't "solved" by having a lot of friends. it makes sense if you feel like that's not enough. not sure if any of this is actually similar to what you're going through, but i hope you get the chance to be around people who Get It, and i hope you feel less alone soon. you seem like a genuinely kind person on top of being great at writing/analysis -- i love the way you write about the things you're excited about. wishing you all the best <3

it's not weird or irrelevant AT ALL! it honestly always does make me feel better when i come on here and speak about something i'm struggling with and other people say, hey, yeah, me too. especially when the thing i'm complaining about is feeling alone, it's comforting to know that other people feel the same way. like, we're all lonely together, which makes us less alone in our loneliness.

and yeah i think you're right -- confidence is one of those weird things where the more you work on it, the more difficult it can become to relate to other people. people are always telling me i'm so confident and asking my advice on things and i'm always like... idk how to tell you to just stop caring what people are thinking. i mean, obviously i do care what people think of me, but maybe the problem is that because i'm my own worst critic, i can't imagine anyone hating me more than i already hate myself, which paradoxically means that i assume everyone loves me? or maybe it's because i can't imagine anyone genuinely giving a shit about what i do, so it's easy to just do whatever i want. because it's not that i don't care what people think, but just that i pretty much assume they aren't thinking about me, so why would i bother trying to impress them? (like some of my friends will describe in detail the logic behind their instagram story posts. and i'm just like... do you really think other people are noticing this? do you really think people care that much what you, some random person, is posting? it's kind of crazy to spend so much time thinking about yourself through the lens other people. just post if you think it's funny, or don't. nobody is actually thinking that much about you.)

but to your point, i feel like that is kind of where a lot of the loneliness comes from. because people describe certain insecurities or thought patterns that they have, and i'm just like yeah i truly cannot relate to that, or yeah, i would never do that. and when i do express things i'm struggling with, people act so shocked and never offer any kind of support because they're like "but your life is so perfect!" (which is INSANE! nobody has a perfect life! and i know it sounds like the most obnoxious problem ever, like oh my life is so great that nobody believes me when i say i'm still inexplicably sad, but it is a really isolating and lonely existence!!) and then i guess it kind of becomes a cycle where people say or do certain things, i don't relate to them at all, and then i wonder why i'm still struggling so much even though i'm honestly doing fine, and then i feel guilty for even struggling or feeling down because i don't really know what else i can do to get better, since again, i'm objectively doing fine.

i get what you mean about feeling likable but not understandable. recently i was on a second or third date with someone, and i had this weird out of body experience where it was like, i could see myself doing everything right -- i could see that he was totally into me and that i was saying all the right things and laughing at the right times and making the right jokes, but i didn't feel like a person? i knew i could make him like me, and that it wouldn't even be that hard, but i knew he would never actually know me, not even if we kept dating for years. he would always have just "liked" me, like you said. it was a really weird and uncomfortable feeling. i came home and wrote in my journal "sometimes i feel like i'm so good at pretending to be a person that i don't feel like i'm actually a person at all"

SORRY for these long rambling answers. i guess i'm feeling some type of way about my inability to function normally lately. being 24 is just weird i guess. it's uncomfortable and awkward and frustrating, and so much of it feels like this sense of cognitive dissonance between being really good at acting like an adult but still feeling like you just want to scream and cry and throw things like a toddler but you know you can't. i guess someday it will all make sense. or maybe it won't. but i'll keep writing about it either way <333