#i don't know if my memory is just crap and there's lots of instances i missed or if i've genuinely used pretty much every shot there is

[bubacorn]

it really is incredible how our brains can internalize someone's throwaway critique and just shut down any creative endeavours indefinitely. like. they just said something, probably the first thing on their mind (which of course isn't an excuse and is still shitty) and that hurt you so bad you think your art is worthless. obviously it matters who says it and someone who's supposed to support you and give you encouragement making you feel like shit while you're still learning or trying new things is terrible. but then for some reason you try again and it feels right and you realize you really were holding yourself back over shit someone said years ago.

i used to draw a lot. did a lot of arts&crafts. made little gifts for people around me. it was kinda waved off. my little brain took that as rejection, because of course it did. seeing people nonchalant about stuff you put your entire little heart and soul into with what little materials you had available is quick to choke your creative spirit. also once i saw someone put something i made them into a trash-pile, so there's that

later i still drew but i always compared myself to others and started to think of my art as inferior and almost good, but never enough and never good enough. like, it was something, sure, but it was ugly and could have been so much better, but in the way that i should just give up because it's not worth it. so i kinda did that, obviously with other stuff factoring in, and i ended up always hating things i made after a while. there was some stuff i liked but i couldn't admit that, because it wasn't good (enough according to me).

there were people who complimented my stuff, but i though of it as fake kindness, or just trying to make me feel better. my brain told me they said it because they don't know that it really wasn't that complicated to make and that i somehow did it wrong or cheated and they just like the concept or they just aren't artsy people and are easily impressed. which is horrible from both viewpoints. but also my brain is such an asshole.

i love making art, it's exciting, it's freeing, it's incredible to think of something and actually create it and end up liking it, on top of that. it's almost unbelievable for younger me. it's so dramatic, but i just realized that i truly hated my art so i would abandon it and never receive any negative comments in a really fucking twisted way of trying to protect myself. even though those things people said were just ignorant and they didn't even realize that their words hurt me. which is shitty to think about, but oh well. words have weight and i still carry some of that around, even though from the moment i heard them i knew that it wasn't true but still, it hurt so bad that i abandoned something i loved doing, something that was an outlet to avoid hearing things like that again.

i'm starting to get out of my cocoon again and people are so nice and apparently my art can be cool? unheard of. anyways, i'm holding younger me's hand and promising them that i won't let my mean brain discourage me and learn to love my creative process and accept that i won't get everything right the first time and that i have a lot to learn and it's all a journey, but it's art and i love art and i haven't even realized i missed it this much, but i did.

so, conclusion: yeah, maybe my art is shitty sometimes, it's wonky, it's 'imperfect', it's not a carbon copy of my reference image, it has weird imagery or whatever. but it's mine, it's art and no one is ever supposed to make me feel like shit for creating something, especially if they themselves never did art and know crap about it and just don't understand. shut up, get a life and leave me be. it's been years and i remember so little, but those instances stuck and those are such crappy memories to have and it's fucked up that my brain clings to them and makes me remember any time i even think of trying to do art.

[querren]

I found this on another blog a month or so ago and knew I wanted to save it for today. I'm reposting it as my own so that the poor blog I found it on doesn't suffer this long confession/ramble/whatever-this-is being attached to a reblog. Even though I already reblog a lot of sappy/romantic crap on this page, this is highly personal, so I'm a bit hesitant to post it but I really want to say it somewhere. So, here goes.

Today used to be the day I'd look forward to most every year. A year ago today, you said "Yes" when I asked you to marry me. I drove past the cabins a few hours ago and couldn't help but think of that morning, the bitter cold and the beautiful skies. I never once thought that I would ever dread this day. I have been stressing about today for months, and now it's here.

It's been more than a month since I said goodbye to you, and at this point I have spent the better part of this year (a terrible way to describe a unit of time in this instance) separate from you. I thought that it's what I needed in order to heal, but so often I'm afraid I've made a mistake. I thought it was the right call; professionals said it was; those closest to me said it was. But I don't feel any better than I did a month ago; I often feel worse. And sometimes it feels like I never even said goodbye at all, because you haunt me every night when I go to sleep. Whether the space has helped at all or not, I genuinely can't say, but I think my heart would say that it hasn't. I want to come back so badly, but I'm terrified, and I don't know what decision is the right one. I keep hoping that I'll wake up one day and see that you've reached out, but I know that that's not going to happen.

I still very much believe that this poem describes us. Seven months since we separated and, despite everything you've said, everything you've insisted, I still believe this. I don't know if that's because I'm still in denial (which I know I am), or if it's because of all of the things that you've said during this process that changed down the line—it's likely some combination of the two—but I still believe this poem describes us.

I decided that today, I'm wearing my ring.

I'm still angry. I'm still so angry, but more than anything else I feel alone. Because at the end of it all, there's nothing you could ever say or do—nothing that could ever happen between the two of us—that would take away how much I love you. Even if I do one day move on, as you may have, I know I'm destined to search for you in everyone I meet in the future.

I still don't fully believe you, that you've moved on. That you're okay with this. It's not that I think you lied to me, not intentionally, rather that I think you still don't know for yourself how you feel; that you feel some passing certainties in the moment that fade when one instant turns into the next. That you're just afraid of the possibility of getting hurt again and having to experience all of this pain anew, which I understand. And maybe that's simply me projecting (I know it is to some degree). Maybe it's just my denial. But... part of me believes that you believe this, too. That our souls can't part.

It's as you yourself said on the night I said goodbye: "We're not most people." We never have been. For seven years, we always beat the odds; what's stopping us from doing it this time, too?

Or maybe I'm just insane. Maybe I'm still clinging to a fantasy that doesn't exist anymore. But for now, I will continue to believe that it's true, because it's the only thing that I can do. It's the only thing keeping me going.

I'm almost certain that you'll never read this, which is part of the reason I have the courage to send this out into the ether at all, but if you do see this: I hope that you're okay. I hope you've made the most of the time you've had since we parted, that you're not just surviving but thriving. I hope you've created wonderful memories and that you continue to do so, and I can't wait to hear about them some day.

I'm sorry that I've been gone, sorry that we ended up here at all. I miss you more than you will ever know or understand. I hope you've remembered to give Alec a hug whenever you've missed me, too.

To Charon and back. Happy anniversary, love.

[incensuous]

Fam I… *DEEP BREATH*

Ok so I have this friend whom I’ve known for most part of my life. Meaning we were comfortable around e/o families and basically felt like extended families at one point. Now idk if its just me projecting but I had a crush on his older sis, and from a lot of their interactions throughout the years I was convinced he did too. Now here’s what makes me think maybes I’m just not projecting- he didn’t know about my crush and I noticed he acted towards her the same I did, but not to his other sisters?? They did come from a toxic family and I supposed that kids from such home environments learn to stick together as a survival tactic of sorts and to stay sane. Now y’know how teen guys are especially and our friends used to talk about all sorts of stuff related to girls. Idk who it was but someone once shared an (accidental) incest story that was now in hindsight PROBABLY meant as a cautionary tale against looking for premarital sex and especially against using criminal methods. While I forgot about it soon after, this friend was almost obsessed with the story. He even wanted to tell her sister it, but I thought it was really weird and talked him out of it. One more thing, she loved reading but was possessive of her books (ngl I just thought she read dirty books and didn’t wanna be found out lol. I was partially wrong) and he used to “borrow” them without her knowing and read them too bc the forbidden attracts ig? He used to let me read them too sometimes when I wasn’t feeling too guilty about reading her very cool novels without permission. So, at around her 17-ish bday, her friend gifted her a book as a bday present. She wanted to wait till finals were over to really enjoy it, and my friend took his chance knowing he had plenty time. He read it before her and… there was a lot of surprise incest in it. I don’t think her friend had known because nothing of that was mentioned in the book description/summary at the back. It literally came as a shock to the reader. I became a lil concerned when my friend became obsessed with those parts, talking about them and how insane it was that someone would write two siblings doing it. I thought it was crazy too but like I wasn’t as interested or obsessed as him. Honestly, I found his obsession a little creepy.

There were other instances too, like for example once our macho male teacher who all the guys loved told a dramatic story of rescuing a pretty girl, and ended it with girls know intuitively how someone’s looking at them. If you’re staring at them with bad intentions or dirty thoughts, they’ll know (and come on that’s bs… right? Definitely sounds like it. But this idiot, my friend, he gleefully told me the next day that it worked because he’d tried it on his sister. He didn’t tell me what he was thinking of when he’d stared at her from a hidden spot but he said she got a scared look as until she spotted him before angrily asking why he was staring.

Long story short, we’re all adults now, and I think he’s ashamed of how he used to act or the thoughts he used to have. He has a gf he refuses to call a gf but goes on dates with. And she. Is the opposite of his sister. In all aspects, looks, voice, dressing etc. And I don’t wanna think he’s just using her but I do think now that he’s older and thinks all that is unforgivable and is dating someone the complete opposite both as guilt and to show himself that he’s moved on. I hope he has. Especially because the bastard made me interested in incest couples 😭 Lmao the irony. And uhh I wouldn’t ship them how they were back then bc I still think the way he acted was creepy, but now, that he’s gentlemanly to her and tries to be protective without the creep factor, I’m shipping them a lil. Huge tmi I know, but sorry! I saw them yesterday and ig the memories were triggered. Tc!

... HOLY CRAP, NONNIE

OMG

i agree with you, i don't know all the nuances of your friend and his sister when they were kids, idk how close they were. i think even him reading her books without her knowledge or permission would have annoyed me, no matter how small it is in the big picture. i wonder if his sister felt uncomfortable with that, but i'm glad he's grown up and tried to move on. i agree, now that he's matured i'd find the idea of him and his sister cute, especially if he's pined after her his whole life. but unclear with how the sister reacted or if she noticed at all.

thank you for sharing, nonnie!!

[fuckingguide]

Love me, hate me, say what you want about me, but all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F-U-C-K me | Guillermo + If You Seek Amy by Britney Spears

[xuyaa]

Age gaps

Ahh... I dread this but I'll speak anyway. I keep seeing people have a problem with big age gap couple in fandom. Now before your nostrils all fluff up let me say this, if you can't have an open mind or too fragile for my input please take your leave. This would be wasted on you.

About age gap on fandoms couple (canon or crack) I personally have no problem as long as both parties consent (without child grooming or forced relationship aspect) and considered legal at the start of their relationship and the legality here is not referring to our modern standard but on the couple's world and time. I'll try to explain but it might get long and boring but if you're still okay, continue.

I'll give an example, during the age of samurai if the situation permits like Uesugi Kenshin they can join battle at age 13 and there are still other examples of other famous child samurai. We call it child now because time change but during that time they were considered an adult once they enter battlefield. Why? They already trained years prior to kill and to protect their lord. Example of this in anime would be Himura Kenshin from Rurouni Kenshin. His first marriage was when he's around 16 and that was an acceptable age at that era since he was considered adult at age 14. So even though I find it icky if modern day teenager marry at that age, I can understand Kenshin's situation. If I'm still okay reading about him killing people around at even younger age I'm not gonna complain about him wanting to marry (although it's not that simple white and black for him).

You get what I'm trying to say?

More example of the acceptable norms in past era. During certain era in certain place like for example Victorian England and prior, 14 year old boys and 12 year old girls are passable for marriage depends on whether the family want it or not as it's more political than anything else. Same in China for example during the Manchurian Dynasty 14 year old girl is considered adult enough for marriage. And usually the age of the husband is always older by few years up to few decades (officials and emperor). But of course over time all of the above would change. Not by much maybe? Depend on the country I say.

Still we can't just hold the old days custom and norms on our modern day standard that would be akin to the present you calling your two or three year-old self a moron for defecating and not wiping your own ass. Or like when you do something stupid at your young age (pick whatever stupid situation that you have take as a lesson. Done?). You just didn't know better back then but now you do and from your failure you learn, although it would be better if you learn from other's lesson but I say pain is an effective lesson for oneself. Would you rather have that memories of your lesson be removed or ignored? I wouldn't. I don't know if I might do the stupid thing again just to find out whether I can or not. Same as this this whole age gap, young age marriage in the past and present in some customs thing. Don't erase the fact, don't gloss it over because people have and can still learn from them. My grandma married at young age and I came to be as the result of her choice.

Have you ever seen high schooler called Robert D Jr handsome? I've seen it recently on youtube. They call him very handsome and another video talked about cool and handsome senior male models. I've scrolled through the comments and no one seems offended that these high school girls simping for male old enough to be their granddad. These girls called them daddy and commenting how hot they are and the comments either agree or saying the girls reactions are cute. Huh... reverse the situation if these old models commenting female korean idol for example and calling them cute or hot what would people think? "creepy" "pedobear" even though senior female might think the same lines, heck maybe even we think the same lines. See the double standard people use? Maybe not everyone, but the loud ones are there. They're so loud I don't even know if they're majority or minority. I have celebrity crush too when I was young and as it happen, he's my father's age and to be frank, I would not mind an older partner if said partner is compatible and emotionaly mature. My sister is 17 years younger than her husband and they turn out well because her husband is matured enough to understand her ups and downs emotion back when they're dating, even before. Are all men mature emotionally as they became older then? No, just as not all oranges is sweet. My sister is 10 years my senior but she's more bratty than I am sometimes. Is it wrong of my bro in law to be with my sis?

Oh you're just trying to defend pedophilia anywayヽ(`Д´)ﾉ.

No stupid, I'm trying to make you think. I don't accept pedophilia, shotacon or lolicon. My sis is old enough to be called spinster when they go out. Anyway, when you follow a certain series, try to see it from their era and custom's perspective. Some era is okay with 16 year old marrying. Some tribes in Asia allow marriage between cousins while others and the majority of the world frown upon them. That's just how they see and do things. For me as long as both side consent without pressure and not in the case of 'parents sending their child for marriage without their input' thing I'm okay to leave that alone, I'm pretty much sure we're on the same page there. I hope.

So, just as when you come to another country, you adhere to their rules and norms or you have no right to complain if they deport you out for not learning beforehand and breaking their rules. Or when you have a guest come to your home and they suddenly start demanding you to do stuff their way, you should kick them out if not slapping their face. Or if you want to be kind, explain how you do things in your home and hoping they would understand and respect it.

I'm jumping around but see what I'm trying to say? I'll get to another anime example.

In Naruto for instance, they became genin at 12 and killing people left and right. People are okay with that right? Yeah well, since it was soo popular I suppose... besides it's pretty glossed over in both manga and anime. But the same people that's okay with children killing left and right, would they be okay if suddenly the mangaka put in story about one of the chara going on seduction mission? If it's carried out well as in the chara being bamf, maybe no problem. But if things went south for the chara? I'm sure there will be outrage, especially if that's a female chara or worse if it's one of the main like Sakura. See? People hold the characters, the series and the mangaka to their own convenient double standards. Back to the age gap when shipping, I pick Naruto as example because apparently Sakura was just so shippable that people actually ship her with Kakashi and even Madara and she makes easy example. Don't ask me why she's shipped with Madara and I don't ship any of the two with Sakura. Anyway, if Sakura is mature enough to choose to kill as a teenager (and don't give me crap about Sakura never killing on screen. Their line of work involves lots of death and she's been through war) she's mature enough to decide her romantic partner even if it's suddenly Orochimaru(ㆆ_ㆆ) (did they even exist?). You can say her taste is terrible because he's an asshole but don't say it's gross cause the age difference because apparently Orochimaru can just rejuvenated to new body and be as good as a babe (I wish I could too). Anyway saying it's about age on these kind of chara is just straight up lie on people's part. Another example I can think of atm is snk. I've seen people against pairing the 104th with the veterans because of age gap. Now I'm not trying to be rude, but hear me if you please. The whole 104th are trained child soldiers and they're killing titans and even humans. You're all okay with that? If you still follow the series far enough and liking it maybe you enjoy seeing the action sequence, drama and intrigue? The fact that you still come back to the series after this long proves that you're still okay with all the gores and blood spilled with all the glorious child soldier most of all. They become soldier because of circumstances you say? I'm glad you think so too! Although I must point out, the 104th did CHOOSE to be soldiers (just as Naruto and co choose to be ninja). They could be farmers or thugs for all we know. All the soldiers in snk choose their occupation, thay all trained and decide to join the Survey Corps, in fact the only one that join reluctantly in the first place is the former thug although he continues in the end. That aside, their circumstances certainly are different than us don't they? They don't even know a car and blip exist before Marley... They must have a whole lot of different mindset and norms than ours too for a civilization whose life are about survival against titans that's 100 years behind than other civilization in their world. Ever think of that?

Seeing modern day teenage in romantic lights are indeed hard as I'm sure the majority can't even survive without their gadget and parents' money. I certainly can't at that age. Immature. Even those in their twenties and thirties are immature these days. But now when one of those child soldier who have a whole lot of different mindset and maturity level is being shipped with older chara, you're against it. Okay. Maybe it's indeed easier for you to see 15 year olds regardless of their profession to commit act of violence and even kill than to love... (does that sounds okay to you?)

...I'm not saying killing mindlessly is alright because it is NOT. But that would need a whole lot different threads and time to spare and maybe someone else can do it or already done it before me.

But here's the good thing, even when the ship starts when they grow and at the modern legal age of 18 and 19, or even far above like centuries, it's still not okay for some people to ship them. I don't mind if it's your preference and you don't go disturbing other's corner when they don't even enforce their ship as words of god and even acknowledging that 'yes, maybe it's not canon and just our bits of fun' but sometimes it got to the point of belittling those who do ship age gap couple and treat them like a criminal in need of help or wishing them death. Seriously? Yes. People are that immature.

If you don't like a ship because you think your own is better, fine. Do your thing in your corner but don't go to other people's corner just to talk shit without even knowing why they ship what they ship. Most of this ship is just in our head in the end, and even if your ship is canon it does not make you any greater in real life.

I can't think of anything else to say now, but thanks for reading with open mind. ◝(⑅•ᴗ•⑅)◜..°♡

Now before anyone waste their time typing out comments, I refer to my first paragraph. Here's some imaginary flower for you all🌷

Apparently I'm not clear enough so I fix my wording. I'm here not defending minor and old people relationship but age gap couple who happen to be aged up to acceptable age despite their profession. Here's some choco🍫

[aromancy]

I would say that the situations are closer that you would give them credit for. Sure, Westview spans a week, but I imagine Agatha took a lot longer to study dark magic that she knew wasn't allowed. The climax of both situations (Agatha being tried by and subsequently killing her coven vs. Wanda realizing what she's done to the townspeople and letting them go) both happen in under an hour. And if the effects of Agatha stealing other witches' magic is anything to go by, Wanda's life was certainly very much in danger during said climax.

My point about education is that Agatha was a lot MORE educated than Wanda. She studied that forbidden magic knowing full well that it was forbidden; Wanda just let her grief get the best of her and created Westview without really having any idea what she was doing. Not sure what you mean by "a way out;" Wanda clearly had some measure of control over the Hex, but the second she dropped it SHIELD would've been on her ass in a heartbeat. She was in there as much to keep herself safe as to live with her family.

Looking at the MCU timeline, we see that the Time Heist took place on October 15, 2020. WandaVision takes place starting November 4 and ends on the 11th. It hasn't even been a month yet since Infinity War in Wanda's eyes. So yes, she'd JUST come out of being snapped.

Of COURSE Wanda is remorseful about joining Hydra, man! Why else would she have ditched 'em and joined a team that was the antithesis of everything they do? And other instances where she let her vengeful nature don't change the fact that even when she and Tony were on opposite sides of the Civil War (and she was frankly CARRYING Cap's team, just wanna say), she was extremely careful not to kill anyone, even him. Worst she did was drop a car on Tony, and he walked that off in like two minutes.

Sorry about the confusing wording. I didn't mean to say that she killed herself, I meant that she was killed herself by Thanos.

Being dismantled wasn't Vision's will, especially not to be used as a weapon. The hell makes you think that ANYTHING in that scene was what Vision would've wanted?

I just said Wanda's not the villain, not "so what." That was serious shit that should have lasting repurcussions if the writers know what they're doing. We definitely shouldn't just act like it never happened. Hopefully, once she's had a chance to sit down and have a think, she'll do something to make amends in the future.

As for an apology, literally what do you say in that situation? "Sorry I took your entire town hostage so I could play House with my vestigial memories of my dead husband?" Kinda hard to spin that one with words alone. I agree that she should've tried, but not apologizing does not a villain make.

You and I both know that "living happily" thing is an argument in bad faith. Wanda's happy ending doesn't need to involve enslaving anyone, it just happened that way because that's what you get when you give somebody godlike chaos magic and then don't teach them how to use it.

And shut up about Agatha's "better solution." Her "better solution" was MURDER, plain and simple. Steal Wanda's magic, kill her, and make off with the power of a god. Some "real hero" you got there. And for all the fucked-up shit Wanda did to Westview, the total body count at the end of it all was ZERO, not including imaginary people.

Agatha didn't care about the people of Westview. She didn't give a single crap about them; she just set them free to psychologically torment Wanda. There were a thousand better ways to break it to her, and Agatha definitely knew them; why not lead Wanda into her no-magic chamber, bring down Ralph, and have him give a testimonial about life in the Hex? No risk, no harm to anyone!

I wasn't talking about Wanda's pain when I said "painlessly;" that is an expression that means "without needless strife." Sky's really the limit here, but maybe Agatha knows a memory wipe spell that Wanda could have used to make it like it never happened for the citizens. But this is all "speculation," which I guess is a no-no word. We'll get to that in a bit.

At the Salem trials, Agatha's tears literally dried up the MOMENT the tables turned and the Coven realized what she was doing. They were clearly fake, she was just selling her anguish so they wouldn't suspect anything before it was too late. She didn't need to beg for her life; she had planned to kill them from the start. And what's so "undeserving" about those Coven witches anyway? The only thing we know about them is that they forbid the study of black magic that facilitates murder and stealing power. They seem fairly alright to me.

You're right, this being Agatha's first appearance in the MCU means we don't have as much canonical material to go off of when judging her character. I gotta speculate a bit. But just because we have yet to see what she was doing all that time doesn't mean she wasn't doing anything wrong! Girl had the Darkhold, a book written by the progenitor of all evil! How'd she get her hands on that? I dunno, but I can't imagine it was very savory.

Agatha was in FULL CONTROL of that situation from minute one. Say a guy points a gun at you, but you know for a fact his gun is loaded with blanks, and you shoot him anyway. Is that "self defense?" No, because you're not in any real danger! Agatha murdered those witches in cold blood, and she was going to do the same to Wanda, because DRAINING WITCHES' MAGIC KILLS THEM! That was the whole point of the Coven scene, was showing us what would happen to Wanda if Agatha got what she wanted! If she could have drained their magic nonlethally, then she killed her coven for no reason other than to feel powerful! Not like they would've been much of a threat to her without magic, right?

Look, if helping to stop Ultron and Thanos from their twin genocides wasn't enough "good" for you, I'm sure Wanda will do a lot of heroic stuff in the new Dr. Strange movie that's coming out. Hopefully that will convince you that she's more "deserving" of her power than a power-hungry murderer, you freaking devil's advocate.

Alright, you're probably not going to reply to this except to laughingly dismiss me again. Not sure why I bothered with my argument that the hero of the story is the hero. All I will say is this: it's fine to debate whether Wanda is more hero or villain, but either way Agatha is DEFINITELY the bad guy.

Are we not gonna talk about the fact that Agatha was really the hero of Wandavision and that Wanda is prolly actually the biggest villain of the whole show but because it’s shown from her perspective people think that this means Wanda is the hero but she literally went to a town, enslaved all of its people and put them through hell (to the point where they were begging her to kill them). Agatha was gently trying to wake Wanda up from her self induced delusion but when that wouldn’t work (aka, Wanda knowing exactly what she was doing but still pretending everything was fine) she ditched her subtlety and forced Wanda to finally recognise what she was doing, made her reflect on why she was doing it, and then when Wanda STILL wouldn’t free the town, it was Agatha that actually set the townsfolk free. Agatha sought to take Wanda’s power because her actions had shown that not only did she not deserve her immense power, but she had used it MULTIPLE TIMES irresponsibly to the detriment of others around her with never any apology - as well as the fact that Agatha has actually studied magic and the Scarlet Witch and wants to divert the bad fate that Wanda set in motion anyway because she wanted to get back at Agatha for forcing her to wake up from her delusion and stop hurting others I guess?? And then Agatha, after saving the town, is the one that is forced to live in it under a delusion spell by Wanda, as if this whole mess was her fault and her penance to pay when it was literally all done by Wanda????????