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mentalmeles · 2 days ago

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Memory of a Kiss

Pairing: Stucky (Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes)

Word count: 2.5k

......We all knew it was a matter of time before I did this.

I can't write multi chapter stuff, but I can write small one shots, so!! Have this short one shot of Bucky regaining a memory while recovering under Steve's care.

When does this take place? Who's to say? I don't know and it doesn't matter. Regardless, please enjoy my silly lil thoughts about these two old men uwu

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“We…” Bucky begins, his brows knitted in concentration. “We used to k-k-k-kiss.”

He doesn’t say it like a question, but Bucky’s eyes are big and curious. Suddenly, there’s a lump in Steve’s throat and he has to blink several times to stop the burning sensation building in his eyes. Taking a shaky breath, he nods.

“Y-Yeah. Yeah, Buck. We did.”

Bucky had recently began to regain some of his memories from before. It’s still slow going, but Steve can see him fighting so hard every day for the chance to remember something—anything from the years Hydra took from him. Most days it’s hard, leaving Bucky even more disoriented and confused than usual at best or screaming his throat raw for hours and hours at worst. And this is all on top of everything else he has to deal with.

He can’t talk much, his sentences short and decorated with a stutter that simply refuses to leave. He has tremors, trouble sleeping and eating, and is extremely paranoid. Steve still doesn’t know how he does it, but he swears that Bucky always has at least one or two knives on his person at all times. And, of course, there was also that time last week when Bucky suddenly had a seizure when they tried to watch a movie together. Despite everything he’s seen and done up till now, Steve had never been so scared in his entire life.

Thankfully, however, this memory recall seems to be anything but bad. Bucky’s eyes are clear and lucid. His posture is open and he looks calm, if not a bit timid. Still, Steve had somehow never braced himself for Bucky remembering...well. Them.

Clearing his throat, he tries his best to explain. “We, uh… We first started doing stuff like that when we were kids. It was nice for a while, but you ended up calling it off. There was some...unwanted attention and you didn’t want to put me at risk like that. Then, when the war came, we started it back up. Neither of us really talked about it. It just kind of happened. We never got around to giving what we had a name, though. We got close, but...” Steve pauses then, memories of the unforgiving cold and the sound of a train suddenly flashing through his mind. “...We got close.”

Bucky seems to consider this, his eyes focusing on the dresser just behind Steve. Both of them stay like that for a moment, memories of their past lives quietly replaying between them. The quiet is then broken when Bucky looks back at Steve.

“Can we… Can we kiss now?”

Steve lightly gasps at that, his heart skipping a beat or two. Despite how long it’s been since Steve took Bucky in, they haven’t done anything like that yet. It’d be their first kiss since the war.

Since the day Bucky fell.

Steve is unable to stop the tears from gathering in his eyes this time as he nods. “Yeah. Sure we can.”

Bucky nods, setting his jaw and becoming mission focused. Steve remains where he is, letting Bucky take the lead. Slowly, Bucky closes the gap between them. He reaches out, brushing his fingers along Steve’s forearm uncertainly. His eyes flicker up to meet Steve’s, as if asking for permission. Steve nods and takes Bucky’s hand into his own, rubbing gentle circles into the back of it. Soon enough, they’re so close that their chests are nearly touching. Steve’s breath quickens, matching the pounding of his heart. If it beat any harder, he was certain it would burst. Bucky’s breathing becomes faster as well and he almost seems like he’s going to change his mind about the whole thing, before he closes his eyes and meets Steve’s lips with his.

The kiss is slow and careful, Bucky’s lips barely brushing against Steve’s before he quickly pulls away. Steve remains still and silent, watching as a conflict flickers upon Bucky’s face. After a short moment, the light in Bucky’s eyes dims and his expression becomes vacant. Vaguely, Steve wonders if Bucky is going to lash out, but he immediately scolds himself for it. If the Soldier wants to make an appearance, Steve will handle it. But, until that happens, he’s going to put his trust in Bucky.

So, he patiently waits. Bucky continues to stare at him, his body as rigid as a statue, before he suddenly turns on his heel and goes straight to the window. Without a word, he opens it and crawls right out, leaving Steve standing in the middle of his bedroom alone. Unexpectedly, the sight of it brings forth another memory.

Bucky had shown up one night while Steve’s ma was working, waking him up by knocking on his window from the fire escape. Once he’d turned on the light and let him inside, it didn’t take Steve long to realize that Bucky was drunk. It was a while before he got the story out of him, but Bucky finally told Steve that he got stood up by his date. So, his seventeen year old mind had told him the solution to his wounded feelings was to simply drink them away. At least, that was before he realized that his mother would kill him for coming home in such a state.

“Just until the morning, Stevie. Let me sleep this off and then I’ll get outta your hair.”

“Sure, Buck. But you’re drinking some water first.”

As Steve got him a glass, Bucky all but fell onto his bed and began to mumble things the blond couldn’t make out. By the time he’d returned to Bucky, he found him with his arm draped over his eyes, as if he was trying to block everything out. He gently nudged his arm with the glass.

“Here, ace. This’ll help.”

Instead of taking the water, however, Bucky just kept on mumbling his thoughts out loud. “I just don’t get it,” he slurred. “I try and I try and yet I can’t get it right. Can’t get nothin’ right. ‘M not good at this, Stevie. ‘M not good at any of this.”

Steve felt his lips form a line. He’d never heard Bucky talking about himself like that before. His friend had always seemed so confident and carefree. He was every Brooklyn girl’s dream guy, after all, and there was no mystery as to why that was. Bucky was kind, polite, and treated every girl he went out with like they were worth a million bucks. So, when Steve heard him say that he wasn’t good at any of it, it threw him for a bit of a loop.

“C’mon, Buck. Don’t talk like that. It’s just one bad date, that’s all.”

Steve then spared a moment to think how funny it was that he was the one giving dating advice. As if he had any idea what he was talking about. Oh, sure, he’d been on dates before, but none of them had ended well. For one thing, they were all double dates that Bucky had set up, so Steve always ended up being an unfortunate surprise to the second girl. He was a poor consolation prize in comparison to Bucky and everyone knew it. And then there was the fact that he hadn’t liked any of those girls himself.

For, despite all of his attempts, Steve had always had eyes for one person in his life…

Steve’s thoughts were then interrupted by Bucky shaking his head fitfully. “Not jus’ one. None of ‘em were right. Felt so wrong, every single one.”

Now that was just crazy talk. Bucky always gushed to Steve about how well his dates went. The alcohol must’ve been getting to him more than Steve realized.

“I think you’re getting your thoughts mixed up, pal.”

But Bucky had simply shook his head again. “No, ‘m not. Those dames don’t compare…don’t compare to you.”

That was when Steve had immediately froze. For a moment, he’d been sure his heart had stopped. Of all the things he’d expected Bucky to say, that hadn’t been one of them. He opened his mouth to speak, but it felt like his tongue had been replaced with cotton.

“What?” He heard himself say.

Bucky then removed his arm from his eyes and stared at Steve. Despite the flush of his cheeks and his slurred speech, his eyes seemed clear and focused.

“Said none of em compare to you. You always…” Bucky then trailed off, seemingly losing his words. Instead, he slowly sat up and took one of Steve’s hands into his own. Steve said nothing and allowed it to happen.

“You always making me lose my damn mind,” Bucky finished, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the back of Steve’s hand all the while.

“You—“ Steve swallowed hard and cleared his throat. “You mean it?”

“Want me to prove it?”

Bucky’s voice had dropped a bit and Steve suddenly realized that his friend’s eyes were drifting down to his lips. Steve licked them and tried to remember how to breathe. Before he could chicken out, he’d simply nodded.

“Yeah.”

Then, like a dream, Bucky raised his hand and tenderly cupped the side of Steve’s face. Steve had felt his heart beating hard in his chest as it roared in his ears. His eyes kept flicking down to Bucky’s lips as they drew closer and closer. And then finally, wonderfully, they kissed.

In that moment, the stars could’ve fallen from the sky and shattered Brooklyn to bits and it wouldn’t have mattered. To Steve, that moment was more precious than anyone or anything else in the world, let alone the stars. It was gentle and sweet and his insides felt like warm honey. Bucky’s strong arms had moved to wrap around him fully and Steve had never felt more secure.

“Buck…” Steve gasped once they stopped to breathe.

Bucky was smiling so big he was nearly squinting, his cheeks dusted with a rosy color. “Wanted to do that for so long…” He laughed.

They kissed again and again, laughing and smiling all the while. It was like a little piece of heaven had been created, right there in Steve’s tiny bedroom. Although he’d never drank in his life, he figured this is what it must’ve felt like to get drunk. He’d have to ask Bucky when he sobered up, he vaguely thought.

The glorious moment was then shattered by the sound of the front door being unlocked. Steve’s heart had instantly plummeted to his stomach.

His ma.

Whipping his head back to Bucky, he saw his own panic mirrored on his face. Immediately, the two had scrambled away from each other. Bucky then made a beeline for the window and, without sparing a glance back towards Steve, crawled right out onto the fire escape. Steve managed to shut it just as his ma walked in.

“Steven?” She called softly, surely noticing that his light was still on. “You still awake, love?”

Desperately trying his best to seem as normal as possible, Steve had stepped out into the living room to greet her. She looked tired, like she always did at the end of a long shift, but she didn’t seem to notice anything different about him. Instead, she closed the distance between them and, after brushing his hair away from his face, gave him a kiss on his forehead in greeting, just like always.

“What are you doing up? Are you feeling alright?” She asked gently, placing the back of her hand on both cheeks.

“I’m fine, ma. Just couldn’t sleep, is all.” He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant.

She then gave him one of her signature looks. The one that lovingly said ‘what am I going to do with you?’ “You better try,” she said. “It’s late. I don’t want you to get sick again.”

Steve nodded, grateful for the opportunity to slip away.

As he laid awake in bed that night, Steve kept replaying that moment he and Bucky had shared over and over again in his mind. Part of him vaguely wondered if it had been a dream. It certainly felt like a dream, one that had been plucked from his own mind and given life. He tentatively ran his fingertips over his lips, still tasting the remnants of alcohol and Bucky on them. No, it certainly hadn’t been a dream.

Before he finally drifted off, Steve suddenly couldn’t help but chuckle. Confident and carefree Bucky Barnes must’ve been really spooked to have escaped out Steve’s window the way he did. He should’ve known better than anyone that, after all these years, Steve’s ma wouldn’t have suspected a thing about him being over that late.

The memory is what probably stops Steve from feeling rejected or upset at Bucky’s sudden departure. If anything, it does the opposite. His face is warm and he can’t seem to wipe the smile off his face.

After that night so many years ago, it had taken Bucky a day or two to show his face to Steve again. As Steve had suspected, he’d been so embarrassed that his ma had walked in, but he’d also been scared. He said that he’d been worried their kiss would turn out to be nothing but a figment of his drunken mind.

Now, Bucky has a lot more to worry about than having one too many drinks when it comes to memory displacement. He’s not sure when Bucky will return, but he’s certain that he will. So, Steve decides to wait for him.

It turns out he doesn’t have to wait very long.

Bucky returns that very night, crawling through the same window he left through and just as silent. The sight of him makes Steve immediately put away the book he was reading.

“Hey, Buck,” Steve greets, sitting up.

Bucky says nothing, but gives a small nod.

“You feeling okay?”

“Y-Y-Y-Yes,” he says. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to leave like that.”

Steve shakes his head. “No, no. It’s okay. I understand.”

Bucky nods again and silence befalls the pair once more. A short moment passes before Steve shuffles a bit so that there’s room on the bed beside him. He gently pats the space, inviting Bucky to sit with him. For a bit it seems like Bucky is going to decline, but then he wordlessly walks over to the bed and joins him. They sit together for a few minutes, the silence still present, but companionable.

“Was it...okay?” Bucky whispers.

“Yes,” Steve answers quickly. “It was definitely okay. Did you like it? How did it make you feel?”

“M-M-Made me feel...good. I liked it.”

Steve swells with warmth at that and he feels his smile creeping back upon his lips. “That’s great, Buck.” He pauses before continuing. “But you know you don’t have to push yourself just for my sake. I’m okay with taking things slow.”

Bucky inhales and exhales softly. “I know. Just… Want to remember. Want to f-f-f-feel good again.”

“I know,” Steve says, feeling so unbearably fond. “And you will.”

“Promise?” Bucky whispers and Steve is surprised to feel his fingers lightly brush against his.

He smiles fully then and gently interlocks his pinky with Bucky’s. Bucky looks down at them, looking a little surprised. He doesn’t pull away though, instead looking up at Steve with that curious flicker in his eyes. There’s something else in his eyes too and, with a sense of joy, Steve realizes it’s love. Tentative and small, but there.

“I promise,” Steve whispers back.

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ot3 · 1 day ago

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have u read the homestuck epilogues? what do u think of them if u have? and do u have thoughts on june egbert

when the epilogues originally dropped, i read candy but i did not go on to read meat because the experience of being a homestuck fan at the release of the epilogues was a pretty miserable and i saw no reason to prolong it.

i did not categorically hate everything the epilogues were attempting to do but i think they are fundamentally and irredeemably flawed for one extremely big reason: you can not release something as the official continuation of a work while also insisting it is not a piece of the canon. it felt like they wanted to have their cake and eat it too in a way that completely undermined the entire work. they released it with faux-ao3 tagging/styling, but weren't brave enough to actually release is on ao3. it had to be elevated Above fanwork, but if you got too upset about it they could always just point out 'well we said it wasn't canon' to deflect legitimate criticism. plain and simple, it all felt like cowardice. release something intentionally designed to provoke and antagonize a dedicated fanbase and then retreat to twitter to complain about how nobody can understand and appreciate REAL, SERIOUS, QUEER ADULT CHARACTER WRITING. but like. real, serious queer adult character writing still needs to be good and I'm not sure the homestuck epilogues Were that. having characters you know to be 100% fictional and are now being written by a brand new set of people pretty much look at the camera and say "if you think my character writing is OOC it's only because you don't respect my interiority as a human being" rang extremely fucking hollow to me.

i think it should be obvious to anyone who has been following me for any amount of time that i don't want or need sanitized and saccharine character writing to be pleased and my issue was not that the epilogues were dark, it was that they felt confused and contrived.

being a homestuck fan took up all of the formative years of my life, without exaggeration. it was the main thing i was into from ages 14-21 and has been incomparably important to me. so it's next to impossible for me to separate my feelings about my epilogues from what it felt like to be a homestuck fan during the absolute clusterfuck of these things dropping, especially since i haven't revisited them since. one event in particular that really soured me was an official homestuck team member who i was decently good friends with asking me to delete tweets i made criticizing some aspects of the epilogues. i found to be an extremely unprofessional to do as someone who is on the payroll of an IP speaking to a fan of that work, regardless of whatever terms we may have been on. additionally, i found the way she + the epilogues writers responded to criticism of the epilogues from the pretty significant demographic of teen fans on twitter to be at best condescending and at worst actively cruel.

it felt like a bunch of people who wrote shock fiction about a beloved cast of characters - something they were fully within their right to do, to be clear - but then could not handle the extremely predictable reception to it. my eventual homestuck reread is penciled in for 2029 and if i can bring myself to [re]read the epilogues at that time, im going to. we will see how my feelings change then

as for june egbert: love her, but this is once again soured by the way post-mspa era homestuck treats the concept of canonicity. john egbert is my number one favorite fictional character of all time. if you tell me "great news, she's a girl now" i am in fact overjoyed by that. i think its something that adds a lot of texture to the character. but i don't like people treating it like it's canon when it just simply isn't. i don't think you get points for portraying a transfem character until you have actually... portrayed a transfem character. i do not keep up with hs2 for reasons that are probably pretty obvious so i'm not sure if anything has changed, but to the best of my knowledge june egbert is not yet canonical there either. it's very frustrating.

but you see what i mean about canonicity: ignore the fact that we haven't discussed june egbert's gender in a single actual piece of fiction. the toblerone says she's real so she is! ignore the fact that the homestuck epilogues are official works that were on the shelves at barnes and fucking noble, they're "beyond canon" because weve put AO3 headers on. it feels like lategame homestuck treats canonicity like a switch it can flip completely independent of the works they are making, in whatever way is convenient for them. if the HS2 team (shoutout to floral, one of the best to ever do it and nobody deserves to be writing homestuck more than them) ever does get around to making june egbert canon, i will be standing by to pop bottles.

#long post #sorry you said a sleeper agent codephrase and now you get several paragraphs #ask

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spindrifters · 3 days ago

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hello hi. weird (but ultimately good!) update.

some of you know I've been dealing with chronic migraines and brain fog for the last year and a half. hence the lack of writing output and being way less present around here. but what I haven't talked about, even in my offline life, because it was scary and talking about it made it real, is that during that time I was also struggling with increasing cognitive/language confusion as well as executive function.

it's actually insane how many "oh, this is the problem and here's how to manage it" moments I've had during that time, only for them to end up being red herrings. or, more accurately, knock-on effects of the core issue--which I finally have a diagnosis for.

(putting the rest under the cut for medical cw)

yesterday I found out that I have chiari, which means that my cerebellum is herniating through the bottom of my skull into my cervical spine. tldr, my brain's falling into my neck.

this sounds a lot scarier than it actually is, mainly because there's a relatively easy fix and I'm just SO relieved to have answers. most people with chronic pain/illness don't get that, or at least not until after a decade or two of pushing for it. so with that said, I'm probably having decompression neurosurgery in a few months. waiting on some more test results to come back before we can set an exact date.

I don't know, it feels so classically ao3 to be like "hey here's this crazy medical diagnosis, sorry I haven't updated in a while." I'm literally posting this before telling most of my offline friends. but the fact is, I really miss you guys. I really miss this community. I really miss writing. and I just wanted to share all of this with you because a) I might get my life back!!!!! but also b) it's genuinely kind of funny. and also a lot more rare than I first realized?? when I told my cousin who's a doctor about it, he was like "I'm sorry, what do you mean you have chiari?? is this an episode of house???"

so yeah idk, hit me with your best trepanning or 'brain too fat' jokes or something.

xo zo <3

#cw medical #zo chats

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measuredingold · 1 day ago

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black butterflies and deja vu

author’s note: more best friend noah because i am only human and can never get enough of it LOL bit of a longer one, so strap in. as always, enjoy and feedback is appreciated :) title from the song with the same name by the maine lol

pairing: noah sebastian x reader

word count: 5.8k

cross posted on ao3 / part one and two ( but can be read as a stand alone )

cw/tw: slight miscommunication, Noah Sebastian Is Bad At Feelings, fluff, friends to lovers, ~first kiss~, jolly is sick of his friends and likes to meddle in their business, noah gets anxious, mutual pining, feelings realization, 18+ minors do not interact

It happened gradually as time went on, that feeling that kept building up inside Noah's chest. He tried to ignore it. He has before. Except, for some reason, this time it was much harder.

He couldn't seem to shake that feeling in his chest, tightening whenever he was away from you, and then expanding when he was with you. He can't escape the warm sensation that flows through his body whenever you're near or whenever you touch him, even if it's fleeting. He also can't seem to get you out of his mind, always plaguing his thoughts at the most random times.

He feels crazy.

Noah's tried telling himself that it wasn't anything, that he just enjoyed having you as a friend. He tried convincing himself it was normal to feel this way about a friend, but that all came to a halt when he looked at you one evening and the only thing he wanted to do was kiss you.

Which is definitely not a normal feeling to have about a friend, right?

So now, here he is, staring at you with wide brown eyes and parted lips all the while you remain completely oblivious.

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuck.

He likes you. He fucking likes you, more than a friend probably should and that was one of the most terrifying realizations he's ever had in his entire life. He can't like you, not in this way, because once that happens then... then everything changes, and he can't let that happen.

You can't leave him, and he knows you will the second you find out about these ridiculous feelings. At least he thinks they're ridiculous because in what world would it make sense that you feel the same? He thinks that sinking feeling in his stomach is a sign, reminding him that you don't.

You turn towards him and Noah subconsciously sucks in a breath, heart rate picking up at the sight of your smile. He's absolutely fucked.

"What do you think?"

He blinks at you. "...Huh?"

"The movie?" You arch a brow at him before huffing out a soft laugh, your eyes moving between him and the screen.

Oh. Yeah. That. Noah had completely forgotten, too consumed by his own thoughts to even remember where the fuck he was right now. Which is his bedroom. With you. In his bed. Alone.

That isn't anything out of the ordinary, Noah's been alone with you more times than he could count. It's actually quite common between the two of you to hang out and watch something together, whether it be in his bed or yours, or both sprawled out on a couch at someone's house. It's a normal thing for friends to do.

Except he doesn't think he wants to be your friend anymore. Actually, he knows he doesn't, because all he wants is to actually kiss that adorably confused expression off of your face right now.

"Uh. It's good."

You pause. "...You haven't been watching, have you?"

"Um." He feels his cheeks warm, giving you an embarrassed grin. "Not really?"

"Noah." You whine out. "This was your idea!"

"I know, I know!" He holds his hands up, face still on fire. "I'm sorry."

He can't even remember the title of the movie at this point. Some random indie film he had heard about on Twitter, that much he remembers. He's been wanting to watch it for weeks, but Jolly didn't seem that interested. He figured he'd watch it himself but when he brought it up to you, you immediately offered to watch it with him.

He didn't understand the feeling weighing on his chest then, but he sure as hell does now.

"It's honestly not that good, anyways." You hum out, reaching for the remote between both of your bodies.

"Yeah. It's kinda slow. Lost interest." He has no idea what he's saying, but figures it was the right option because you're nodding in agreement.

"Super slow. And the dialogue is so shitty. It'd be one thing to be slow but have a good enough dialogue to get the plot going, but it's lacking in both areas."

"Agreed."

He watches you click around on the remote to his TV, turning the movie off and immediately opening another app, flipping through the selection. His head tilts, brows furrowing.

"What're you doing?"

"Finding something else to watch." You say as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, which it is.

"...Why?"

"Because we're supposed to watch a movie together."

Oh. "You don't have to-"

"I know I don't." You cut him off, glancing over at him. His heart rate picks up at the smile you give him, the softness behind your eyes making his chest feel funny all over again. "I want to. So, help me pick out something to watch."

All Noah can do is nod. He watches silently as you continue to flip through the movies, not daring to use his voice because he's scared of what might come out. Eventually you land on something he's seen about a thousand times but he doesn't object because you seem more than pleased with your choice. The triumphant noise you make has his stomach flipping and he can't help but smile at you.

Halfway through the movie, he barely realized how close you had gotten to him. He holds in a breath when he feels your press against his arm, shifting a bit to get more comfortable before your head falls against his shoulder.

He doesn't move.

And when you hadn't lifted your head after another twenty minutes, something in the back of his mind shouts at him to do something. He usually never listened to that voice, typically able to drown it out, but this time... he chooses to listen. Noah slowly leans his head against yours, letting out the breath he had been holding when you nuzzle yourself closer to him.

...

It's been months since that night and yet it's still the only thing he can think about.

You are the only thing he can think about.

Those feelings he was experiencing that were once silly and quite honestly ridiculous have morphed into something much more... serious. Noah isn't quite sure what to do about it. He isn't sure if there is anything he can do about it.

Jolly told him to suck it up and tell you, because "What's the worst that could happen?"

A lot of terrible things could happen, Noah thinks, and decides he'd rather keep this to himself. The longer he doesn't say anything, the longer he gets to spend with you, because he knows once your relationship changes... who knows how long he'll have until you eventually leave.

It's fucking pathetic, he knows it is. Not saying anything in order just to keep you close to him, but if that's what he has to do then he's going to fucking do it. He can't lose you. He knew it before he figured out these stupid feelings, and there's no way in hell he's losing you now.

Most times it's easy to do, to act like it's not there, even though every time he's around you there's a voice in the back of his head yelling at him to kiss you. Which is what's happening now, and the alcohol in his veins isn't helping the matter much.

You're all out, and there's no special occasion, just bored on a Saturday night. Nothing special is happening yet you look the most beautiful he's ever seen you, which says a lot because he thinks you're fucking stunning all the damn time. Tonight, though, there's something about you that he can't quite shake. He can't even take his eyes off of you, and he'll partially blame that on the alcohol, and then you.

The urge to touch you is almost unbearable and he can't stop himself from reaching out every so often, fingers brushing against your arm to get your attention. Nothing out of the ordinary between you two, but each touch almost drives Noah insane. At one point you were sitting together in a booth surrounded by friends and his hand was planted on your thigh, almost as if it was meant to be there.

You didn't say anything. Maybe you didn't notice, or just didn't care, but Noah did. He cared a lot.

You're now up and across the room playing a game of pool with a few other friends and Noah decided it was best for him to stay there, the burning desire to keep his hands on you too much. He's gotta fucking chill. His eyes followed you the entire time.

Jolly kicks him from under the table.

"Ow. What the fuck, man?" Noah's words slur as his eyes narrow at his friend who's currently giving him the most shit-eating grin.

"You're staring, lover boy."

His face flushes. "Fuck you."

"I don't think I'm your type." Noah rolls his eyes as Jolly leans back against the seat, raising a brow at his friend. "However, I do know who might be..."

"Don't start." Noah holds a hand up, lips pressing into a straight line. "Not tonight. Please."

He's a bit too drunk to even think about that, especially when he knows Jolly's just going to tell him the same thing. Tell her how you feel. Sounds so easy but it's far from it, and Noah knows that that is not a possibility - and never will be.

"She's staring, too, you know."

It's almost comical how quick Noah's head whips into your direction, his heart lodging itself in his throat when he finds out that you are staring. He sees the moment that you realize you'd been caught but instead of looking away, you give him a sheepish smile and wave. Noah can see the flush on your cheeks from a mile away and he can't stop himself from waving back, a smile forming on his lips to mirror your own.

Oh shit.

"She likes you." Jolly says in a sing-song voice, his accent a bit more prominent from the alcohol.

"Shut up-"

"All you have to do is tell her-"

"I'm not fucking telling her shit-"

"She liiiiikes you-"

"Dude-"

"You wanna kiss her soooo bad-"

"Jolly." The sterness in Noah's voice makes Jolly shut up, but that shitty fucking grin never leaves his face because he knows he's right - at least about one thing.

Noah does want to kiss you. So fucking bad. He can't stop thinking about kissing you, actually.

"I'm just saying." The older male shrugs, arms crossing over his chest. "She's still looking at you, man. Can't seem to look away. Maybe she wants to kiss you, too."

His friend's words have Noah's face heating up and his heart pounding beneath his chest. He tries to be as discreet as possible, eyes flicking across the room to find you again. He does find you staring again, choking on literal air the second he watches your tongue poke out and swipe over your bottom lip, before taking it between your teeth as you look away. His eyes land back on Jolly.

"Told you."

Noah's swallows down the lump that was lodged inside his throat. That didn't mean anything, could it? You were just staring at him... but you were staring at him almost like you wanted him? He shakes his head. No. That wasn't it. That couldn't be it. In no world would you ever... but... what if you could?

He blinks at Jolly's smirking face, not sure what to say. His mind was racing, the logical part of his brain battling with the very inebriated part of his brain. He should just leave it alone, brush Jolly off and stay where he is, but his eyes find you again. You're not staring this time, focused on your turn in the game of pool that you're still playing, and something inside Noah is tugging at him, urging him to go to you.

He looks at Jolly one more time and his friend just nods.

He's moving before he can really think about it, pushing himself up and out of the booth. His eyes are on you as you finish up your turn, head lifting up. He sees you searching, for what he's not sure, and then your eyes land on him making his way towards you. You smile, wide and bright, and his stomach twists.

Why do you look so happy? He wishes you would stop, his hopes rising higher and higher with each step he takes. He watches you hand off your stick to a friend, saying something to them and he reaches you just as you turn around, that same smile on your lips. You still have that slight flush to your cheeks and Noah's going to blame that on the alcohol from tonight, and not because of him, but his heart still pounds against his chest at the possibility of what if.

"Hi." You say softly.

"Hey."

"Was wondering when you were going to come over here."

Noah's eyes widened slightly. "Really?"

"Well, yeah." You shrug. "You were all the way over there. I missed you."

Your words hit him hard, crashing into his chest like a ten ton brick. All he can do is blink down at your smiling face, eyes twinkling. Not even an hour ago you were in that booth with him and Jolly, yet you still missed his presence enough to voice it. He tells himself it doesn't mean anything, can't mean anything, but your words are weighing on his chest and his mind is racing so fast he feels dizzy.

The urge to say what he wants becomes almost too much, his body heating up as the words get lodged inside his throat. There's two voices battling in the back of his mind, one yelling Tell her! while the other is screaming at him to Run! as both fight for dominance. In the end, he does neither, and instead stares at you in complete silence.

"You wanna play?" You either don't notice his complete silence or choose to ignore it, motioning to the pool table behind you. "You can go for me. I've been sucking so much this game."

He blinks at the table and then back at you. He wants nothing more than to stay, and he goes to agree but the voice in the back of his head stops him. All the possibilities of tonight's outcome flow through his mind and he has a feeling that if he stays with you the rest of the night, he's going to do something stupid.

And even in the inebriated state that he's in, that voice that's screaming at him to do something reckless, he can't risk that. He chooses to listen to the one screaming at him to run. He shakes his head and gives you a sad smile, and ignores his heart dropping to his stomach at the way your face falls.

"Nah, I..." He trails off, eyes moving towards the bar. "I was just getting another drink, and wanted to know if you wanted one? It's on me."

"Oh." Jesus Chirst, that didn't feel good. "Yeah, sure. Get me whatever you're drinking."

He nods wordlessly, giving you a tight lipped smile before heading off towards the bar. He doesn't glance back at you, can't seem to get himself to, but he can feel two sets of eyes burning through him as he walks. He knows one is you, and he doesn't think he can stomach that sad look on your face again, so when he waits for the bartender to get him what he wants he chooses to look the other way.

The other way is unfortunately Jolly, the older male frowning hard at him from across the bar. He's angry, Noah can tell that much from his body language alone, and for some reason that makes this that much worse. He swallows down those words that were stuck in his throat, trying to push them so far down that maybe he'll forget them, and sends the bartender the best smile he can muster up as he thanks them for the drinks.

He ignores the feeling of regret that's settling in the pit of his stomach, putting on that same fake smile as he makes his way back over to you and hands you your drink. Something clenches beneath his chest at the barley there smile you give him, mumbling out your thanks. You look like you're about to say something else but Noah beats you to sit, nodding towards the booth.

"I'm gonna head back over there if you need me."

Your mouth snaps shut, lips pressing into a thin line before nodding up at him. "Okay."

That same voice in the back of his mind that had just lost moments ago tries to break through again, yelling at him to do something about the sadness swimming in your eyes. He knows he's the reason behind it and he fucking hates it, the urge to fix what's wrong growing. Though he chooses to push it away for the second time that night and heads back towards the booth, Jolly's eyes on him like daggers.

Noah ignores his questions, suddenly growing too tired to speak or to even think about it any longer. He throws half his drink back before casting his eyes towards you again, heart sinking when he finds you not staring at him. Instead, you were looking down, lips set into a frown as you scrolled your phone.

That voice comes back, but this time to yell at him for fucking up. For not listening and to just do what it had asked. He doesn't listen, again, and shoves it away for the third time that night before throwing back the last half of his drink.

...

He doesn't know why you're here.

Or maybe he does, but he's been trying to let go of that feeling for the last few weeks now. There's no way you're here for the reason he thinks, so you standing outside his door has him confused.

Noah's head tilts. "Hey?"

You push past him immediately, toeing your shoes off by the entrance. He steps aside, after you brush past him, and continues to stare at you with that perplexed look - brows furrowed and eyes narrowed.

"Did I do something?" You whip around to face him. "We've barely spoken and I feel like I did something wrong."

"What?" His eyes widen, staring down at you. "You didn't do anything-"

"Then why have you been ignoring me?" You sound exasperated, and he can see the frustrated lines in your forehead as you glare up at him.

"I haven't been ignoring you." Yes he has, but he can't admit that. He swallows down the lie. "Been busy."

Noah sees the moment your eyes sadden and it feels like a punch to the gut. "Since when do we lie to each other? I didn't know we started doing that."

"I'm not lying-"

"Bullshit. You are." Your voice is raising now, your frustration going and Noah can see Jesse on the couch glance your way. "You're lying and you know it, Noah, and I don't-"

This time Noah cuts you off. "Can we talk about this upstairs?"

His eyes flick towards Jesse again who definitely was now eavesdropping, and his roommate's eyes widen before turning his attention back to the television. Noah's eyes land back on you, pleading to go up to his room.

"If I do, will you tell me the truth?"

His stomach turns violently at that because he knows he can't. He can't tell you why he's been ignoring you, why being in the same room as you physically fucking pains him, and why he has to keep conversations short in fear of saying something that'll ruin everything.

He nods, swallowing thickly.

"Yeah. I will."

He has about thirty seconds to come up with a damn good lie.

You eye him for a moment, tongue pressing against your cheek before nodding. You don't wait for Noah to follow you, already halfway to the stairs. He catches Jesse's gaze and he can only shrug before he finally follows behind you, letting you lead him to his room. He shuts the door behind him quietly as you sit down on his bed, arms crossing over your chest.

"Talk."

Noah's never heard you so serious before and that makes his stomach turn, swallowing down the lump beginning to form in his throat.

What does he say? He didn't come up with a good lie like he had planned, the thirty seconds it took to get to his room not being enough time.

"Um."

Your eyes on him are overwhelming, burning into his skin. He stands in the middle of his room, hands wringing out in front of him as he tries to slow his mind down to come up with anything to say. A beat passes, and then another, until at least a minute of complete silence has gone by.

Nothing. He has nothing.

"I don't know what to even say."

Your gaze on him hardens and another beat passes before your arms fall to your sides, shoulders sagging. You wave him over and Noah hesitates before he sees the pleading expression behind your eyes, and his feet move before he can think of it. He sits beside you, but keeps his distance, and you turn your eyes away from him, sighing softly.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable that night."

Noah arches a brow at you. "What?"

"That night. When we all went out? You started acting weird after that, so I'm assuming it was because of how I acted and I'm sorry. I just... I thought..." Your words trail off and your head drops, a weak chuckle falling from your lips.

"I'm confused."

"Jolly just told me something that night." You sigh, hands wringing in your lap. "I... I thought what he said was true so I..."

Noah doesn't say anything, continues to stare at you with that same confused expression because he has no idea what the fuck you're talking about. What did Jolly tell you? It could have been anything, and that thought alone has his stomach twisting with nerves.

"I... He... I thought you liked me? Which sounds fucking crazy to say out loud, but he really made it seem like you did, so uh. I was trying to, I don't know, let you know that I felt the same? Which obviously didn't work," You look up from your lap to stare at him, lips dipping into a frown, "or did, which would explain why you're ignoring me."

It feels like Noah's world comes to a stop. There's no fucking way you just said what you did. His heart pounds so hard against his chest he swears it's going to pop right out, and there's ringing in his ears that he wishes would just fucking stop.

You like him? You. Like. Him.

And Jolly told you that he liked you? He's not sure if he should thank his friend or beat the fuck out of him, because he never confirmed out loud that he did. He also never denied it, and Jolly was known to be able to figure out everything. Noah's still not sure how he does it.

He blinks at you. "What?"

"Maybe I read too into it," You continue, eyes dropping back to your lap. "I just. I thought... You wouldn't stop looking at me. And earlier that night you wouldn't stop touching me. I thought maybe he was right?"

Noah feels like he's going to pass out at any second.

"Or maybe he had just meant you liked me as a friend? I don't know, and I find that pretty cruel because he's known about my feelings for you for forever and-"

"Feelings?"

"-and that would be really fucked up of him to lie about something like that and-"

Noah says your name suddenly and you pick your gaze up once again, mouth snapping shut.

"What do you mean by feelings?"

"...I feel like it's pretty self explanatory." You sound so small, like you're afraid to even admit to it. "I like you. Have liked you. For a while now."

“Since when?”

“…Forever? Don’t act like you didn’t know, I was pretty obvious. Everyone else knew.”

“Well, I didn’t.”

He feels dumbfounded, staring at you with wide brown eyes and parted lips as if you just told him the secret meaning to life.

You like him.

You - his best friend - have feelings for him. Noah's mind races instantly, trying to understand the meaning behind your words because even though you just plainly spelled it out for him, that voice in the back of his head is telling him that he heard it wrong. You don't mean it in that way. You can't. You're you and he's him and it just doesn't make sense why you would and-

"Noah?"

He's still staring.

"I'd really appreciate it if you said something." He blinks at you and his stomach drops at the nervous expression you're giving him, chewing on your bottom lip anxiously.

The problem is that Noah doesn't know what to say. How can he tell you that he feels the same? He doesn't remember a time where you didn't make his heart race just by merely being in the same room. There was never a time where he didn't search for you when things got tough, when all he wanted was to be shut away from the world with you because you made it feel just a bit better. He can't even think of a time where you didn't make him smile just by the sound of your laughter.

There was never a time, he slowly thinks, and his stomach twists at the sudden realization that he's always felt like that about you. From the beginning. From the very second he met you he has been enamored by you, even though he's always told himself it was nothing.

"I..." His mouth opens but nothing else comes out, words falling short.

"You can let me down." You say gently, your smile not quite reaching your eyes. It's almost sad, actually, and he hates the pitiful feeling it gives him. "Just go easy on me."

"I don't..." His words catch again and he has to clear his throat, eyes flicking off the side because he suddenly can't look at you. "That's not what I want to do, I... I just don't know how..."

To say it. He has no idea how to even get across what he feels for you because truthfully, there's no words in the English language to even explain his emotions. And speaking of those, they're becoming a bit suffocating right now, the walls in his room are slowly caving in and-

"Hey. Look at me, please?"

He can't stop the shiver that rolls through his body and has to force himself to blink towards you, seeing your once sad smile much more timid, and he swears he sees something wet flash behind your eyes.

"It's just me. You can tell me anything, remember?"

"That's why it's so hard." He manages to get out, voice thick. "Because you're you, and I'm me, and we're..."

His words trail off yet again and he can't help it, casting his eyes to the side again. He can't look at you, heart pounding beneath his chest because it's too much, too fucking much, and even though there's a part of him begging for him to just say it, there's still another part warning him to protect himself.

"I know." Your voice is so soft. His eyes flutter shut and he sucks in a deep breath. "I know, but I'd never lie to you. Especially about something like this. You know that."

Your words press into his chest so heavily he has to physically catch his breath.

Yes, he does know you wouldn't lie to him. Not about this and honestly about anything. Yet, that mean voice in the back of his mind is telling him it's still too good to be true. That this is all some sick and twisted game you're playing, and somehow Jolly is in on it too.

"I know, I just-"

"Noah." He doesn't open his eyes when you call for him, not even when he feels the ghost of your fingers against his cheek. He flinches, actually, body tensing at the touch. "Fuck. Sorry. I'm sorry. Can I touch you? Is that okay?"

He ignores the tremble in your voice and instead counts to ten in his head, head nodding on the last exhale. Your touch is back in seconds, just a ghost of a feeling, and he finds himself leaning into it until your hand is pressed firmly against his cheek.

"...Can you look at me?"

He thinks for a moment, stomach twisting at the thought of looking at you right now and decides that that may not be the best idea. He shakes his head.

"I don't know if I can."

"That's okay." Your reply is rushed, and Noah shivers at the feeling of your thumb brushing against his cheek. "Just listen to me, okay?"

"Okay."

You heave out a sigh, thumb never stopping it's motion, "I really like you. Like like you. That feels so elementary to say but it's true. I know you're my best friend, but I really... I really like you, Sebbe. So fucking much, and... and I don't know if you feel the same, and it's okay if you don't, but I just wanted - no, needed - to tell you."

Your words hang in the air and Noah thinks he's stopped breathing. All he can hear right now is his pounding heartbeat that's rushing through his ears and he swears you can probably hear it too. What does he even say to that? He can't even think clearly, and he sure as hell can't think of a proper response to you.

A beat passes, and then another, before his eyes flutter open. Your thumb hasn't stopped moving against his cheek and he's thankful, because he thinks the touch is the anchor keeping him afloat. He blinks.

"...Are you sure?"

You stare at him, brows furrowing and your thumb stutters for a beat that has his heart plummeting for a split second before the motion comes back.

"Am I... sure?"

"Yes." He swallows thickly, trying his best to keep his eyes on yours. "Are you sure?"

The realization dawns on you then, face relaxing at you understand what he's trying to ask. You know enough about him to understand his fears, especially with something like this, and he's thankful he doesn't have to verbally express that out loud.

"Yes. I'm sure." You sound confident in your answer, eyes locking with his. "One hundred fucking percent."

For some reason, those words are what suddenly muffles the voice in his head telling him to run. It doesn't disappear completely, but it does shut up just enough for him to feel like he can fucking breathe. Warmth spreads throughout his body, and his chest feels kind of funny but in a good way, so he welcomes the feeling.

"Okay." Noah sees the moment your entire body relaxes, shoulders sagging in relief. The smile on your face widens just a bit, and softens around the edges, thumb still moving against his cheek. His lips twitch at the corners. "So, um. You...?"

Something flashes behind your eyes. Affection? He doesn't know, but whatever it was made his stomach flip in the most exciting way. You nod.

"Yeah. I do. A lot." Your smile only widens at that, and he feels his own begin to form. "Do uh... do you?"

Oh. He still hasn't said it. He opens his mouth, shuts it, and then opens it one more time before coming up short again. Why were words so hard? It seemed so easy for you to just out right say it. I like you. It feels like it should be easier now knowing that you said it first, knowing that you felt the exact same, yet it was like all words escaped him.

Your eyes search his face and your smile is nothing short but gentle. You're not saying it but he knows this is you silently encouraging him, but also letting him know he can go at his own pace. You've always been so patient with him, letting him take his time to do the right thing, or to get back on track, and he thinks he owes you enough to at least try and say something.

Noah nods slowly, and that same look from before flashes from behind your eyes. "Yeah. I do."

It's like time slows down after that, the two of you lost in your own world. Even though it wasn't the exact words he was looking for, it was something, and the look on your face and the wetness building behind your eyes was indication that that was good enough.

He lets out the breath he was holding.

"Good." You blink away that wetness building in your eyes, your smile so blinding that it has Noah's heart clenching beneath his chest and warmth spreading through his body again. "I'm glad, or else this would be really awkward right now."

He chuckles, low and breathy. "Well, I'm glad it's not."

"Me too."

Your thumb strokes across his cheek again and Noah lifts a hand up, fingers wrapping around your wrist to keep you there. He watches you lean closer, his beating heart racing once again at the close proximity.

"Should we thank Jolly?" You hum out and Noah swears he sees your eyes drop from him down to his lips before dragging back up.

"Please don't talk about Jolly right now."

You inch closer. "Why not?"

"Because I don't wanna think about him when I kiss you."

Pride flares beneath his chest at the instant reaction from you, cheeks twinging a slight shade of pink and eyes widening. Noah's eyes drop as your lips part and the urge to kiss you claws at him, screaming at him to just fucking do it. It seems like you are going to say something but he doesn't wait to hear it, and finally listens to the voice in his head.

His eyes squeeze shut the second your lips meet, too scared to keep them open in fear of this being fake. He just made it all up. It's not until he feels you kiss back, the pressure of your lips on his almost bruising, that he realizes that this is definitely not made up. Warmth spreads through his body as your lips move together, and he's never enjoyed kissing so much until this exact moment.

You pull back after a beat to catch your breath but Noah doesn't wait, instead leans back in to brush his lips against yours. His fingers tighten around your wrists to keep you there and the breathy chuckle you let out against his mouth has his stomach turning, that same warmth spreads throughout his chest.

For the first time in his life, the voice in the back of Noah’s mind is completely quiet.

#bad omens fanfiction #bad omens fanfic #bad omens fic #noah sebastian fanfiction #noah sebastian fic #noah sebastian fanfic #mine

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olderthannetfic · 3 days ago

Note

I'll be the first person to talk about how AO3 is just that, an archive. How there's no algorithm. How there's no point in constantly being the "first" (most recent) work in the ship/fandom/character/etc tag. How it's NEVER rude to leave a genuinely kind comment on any work, no matter how old or how new it is. You comment 10+ after the post date? Awesome. You comment -10 minutes after the post date? Awesome.

But I'm having a hard time taking my own advice! I recently came out of a huge slump and started posting again for a longfic for a pretty popular pairing, a pretty popular fandom, and a pretty popular trope. I haven't gotten many comments/kudos yet -- which is fine, I'm just so happy to have my motivation back -- but the thing is is that I'm literally posting multiple chapters a day. (By multiple I mean two or three, so nothing TOO insane.) Now, the nature of the work is that most of the chapters are pretty short (I'm too scared to say what it is out of fear of revealing myself, but I will say it's NOT a drabble/etc collection or anything word-count based. it's more similar to something that is meant to parallel the length and format of the source material.) But I still have this weird insecurity that I'm pushing my fic on people who don't give a fuck, that people who check the tag multiple times a day are just getting annoyed and thinking "I've had enough of this guy."

And that's alright! They can block and/or mute and/or filter! I've certainly felt that way before seeing fics that I'm not-so-interested in constantly being the forefront of the tag. I just scroll on, and maybe think to myself, "well good for that author for having a schedule". I'm not necessarily venting about my feelings themselves, but moreso about the nature of my feelings...I almost feel like I've become "algorithm-pilled", if that makes sense? Like I'm so hung up on this, I keep worrying people are gonna think I'm just constantly posting in order to be on top. And I'm not, and they're wrong if they think that, and again, I really don't care in the long run if people jump to such wild conclusions, but it's like...ugh. I would not have cared about this even a few months ago. I truly do not know what is wrong with me and why I'm suddenly fussing so much. Maybe it's almost a "stage fright" thing because I'm returning to the work after so long. Maybe I just need to comfortable again.

(I didn't necessarily send this for reassurance, but I am happy to have comments that gently poke fun at how much I am over-reacting ha. I'm mostly just rambling in general because I don't want to post this on my actual tumblr, which is linked to my ao3.)

Alas, logic and emotions rarely line up.

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topsyturvy-turtely · 2 days ago

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Fluffbruary with turtely

day 23

(not as if i have been an active participant lol but yk bcs i can)

prompts: attraction | mutter | opera by @fluffbruary <3

including this prompt as well:

fandom: bbc sherlock, pairing: sherlock x john, rating: teen

♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎

"Ugh!" John threw his head back, when they stepped out of the concert hall, to walk into the break. "Why did you need me to join you watching a freaking opera again?!"

"John," Molly bumped his shoulder with hers. She smiled, but it was a pained expression. "You know why," she muttered.

John did and immediately felt bad. "I'm sorry, Molly. Thanks for the invitation."

Her last relationship hadn't worked out, and so she had two tickets for the Carmen opera but only herself to go with. In the end John had offered to go with her. He hadn't realized how much he hated operas.

"Come. I'll buy you a cocktail."

"John- I have to work tomo-"

"Don't care. This is happening. I- we both need this."

John pulled her towards the bar by her hand.

"What do you want?" John turned to her, and smiled. Molly truly looked gorgeous tonight. She wore a floor-length, black dress; one shoulder covered, the other one not. It had a long slit up her leg. John wasn't used to her showing that much skin. He thought this with admiration for her beauty, but not attraction. Still, he ought to tell her.

"You look beautiful. Tim was an idiot to let you down. You deserve much better."

Molly smiled, the pain still there but less persistent. "I know." A second of understanding silence, holding their gaze. "A mojito sounds perfect right now."

"Right. Have any recommendations for an old fashioned man like me who wants to try something new?"

Molly hooked her arm into his and grinned, "B52, for sure."

John moved his head back, "Why do I have the feeling you just recommended something dangerous?"

Molly waved her hand, "Oh, it's delicious. And fun."

John was intrigued for sure.

"Alright, here we go. Oh sorry, gonna need this." John freed himself from Molly with an apologetic look. She just continued grinning and waved at him as he pushed through a few people to get in line for the bar.

TO BE CONTINUED! (i swear this will be johnlock but rn i need to sleep it is far past my bedtime (because adults apparently go to bed early🙄) and well that's it. i just really wanted to post this so i am more committed to continuing)

♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎

i want to gift this to @totallysilvergirl because she is awesome and her fics are pure perfection and her replies to my silly comments are always wholesome and sweet <3 oh and actually mostly because she made me want to write again with Solace and Joy on ao3 and motivated me to write with her reply to my comment as well. thanks silver. you will always have a place in my heart (ugh cheesy!) (what! i am!)

tags under the cut :)

tag list! (tell me if you wanna be added or removed please 💚) @justanobsessedpan @helloliriels @fluffbyday-smutbynight @inevitably-johnlocked @hisfavouritejumper @rhasima @forfucksakejohn @ohlooktheresabee @turbulenttrouble @so-youre-unattached-like-me @peanitbear @train-mossman @loki-lock @smulderscobie @timberva @grace-in-the-wilderness @chinike @jawnn-watson @whatnext2020 @escapingthereality @missdeliadili @kettykika78 @musingsofmyown @7-percent @speedymoviesbyscience @astudyin221b @francj15 @ladylindaaa @we-r-loonies @mxster-jocale @sherlockcorner @noahspector @our-stars-graveside @jobooksncoffee @baker-street-blog @macgyvershe @myladylyssa @battledress @a-victorian-girl @dreamerofthemeadow @oetkb12 @ohnoesnotagain @mutedsilence @jawnscoffee @raenchaosandcozyadashofmurder @lisbeth-kk @quickslvxrr

#turtely writes #fluffbruary with turtely #fluffbruary 2025 #fluffbruary #johnlock fic #johnlock #bbc sherlock #sherlock #john watson #sherlock holmes #molly hooper #molly and john are so cute as friends fight me

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the-music-maniac · 16 hours ago

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It is very exhausting being in western fandom spaces sometimes. Tell me why I just wanted to enjoy a cute oubing ship vid on tiktok, and half the comments section was about people saying you can't ship them???

I wanna complain into the void, so here's a comprehensive of why Oubing/藕饼/Lotus Root Cake is fine (and even if it wasn't, why I don't give a shit):

(Spoiler warning for Nezha 2)

1. "You can't ship them cause they're brothers'": No, they are not brothers. Not by any definition of the word. Not by blood - not even sworn brothers technically, because they only refer to each other as best friends. They each have their own parents - those parents are not related to each other in any way, shape, or form. One of them is a freaking dragon, an entirely different species. Also, they're technically made of lotuses now. They weren't raised together either. Clarifying this point feels ridiculous.

2. "But they used to be part of the chaos pearl": If you wanted to define them by any type of relationship, they are soulmates. This is not me trying to spin them romantically, I mean they are literally soulmates. Their spirits are each half of a single Chaos Pearl, and they each represent opposite halves. They are literally soulmates and yin and yang.

3. "But they're children!": No, they are not three years old. If you wanna be pedantic they are technically six. But in actuality, they are thousands of years old. They've lived for centuries as a chaos pearl. I need you to understand that the original entity we saw at the beginning of Nezha 1, IS a creature that has been alive for thousands of years. They had personality too while they were fighting Taiyi. They were made into the pearls by the cauldron. Now, their mortal bodies as we understand it is 6. But because they're not really human, and their developmental stages therefore don't mirror a human, the movie shows them maturing into an adult form in the span of about 3 years. How do we know this? Ao Bing is the same age as Nezha, and he went from a baby to his adult form in those 3 years. The only reason Nezha is still in a child form is because he has the qiankun circle suppressing him. This is also the reason that putting the circle on his wrist releases his adult form. Also it's sort of maybe implied by the end of Nezha 2 that he may stay permanently in his adult form, since he reformed his body into it while he was in The Soup™. I dunno how accurate this part is so I suppose we'll see by Nezha 3. I would like to point out further that no three or six year old talks or acts like they do. Ao Bing and Nezha have very complete vocabularies, and are able to understand the complexities of their circumstances. They're both new to the world in this form, but they're not at the mental capacity of a 6 year old. It's like if you were dropped into a new form of existence with an adult brain.

4. "Nooo, why are you shipping them now": This ship is NOT NEW. It's been around since at least 2019. It is WILDLY popular in China. Back when Nezha 1 first came out, oubing literally won an award for best couple. I want you to understand the scale - from my understanding, they beat wangxian in cql. Y'all can correct me if I got this part wrong because I can't find the source of where I read this information, but if it's true, that's wild. I know the award part is correct. There was an official shampoo ad that reads like a shipping comic. Now that Nezha 2 came out, it is still one of the most popular ships. Every other post on my social media has been about Nezha 2 and at least half of that has been Oubing. There are over 2000 chinese fics on ao3 currently. Stop with this "why are you shipping them now", WE'VE BEEN SHIPPING THEM.

5. "It's not canon.": Not that I give a shit what's canon or even what the original creator thinks about shipping usually, but Jiaozi, aka the director of the movie, has stated that while he wrote Nezha and Ao Bing to just be a friendship that he thinks it is fine if people ship them. I'm pretty sure he also said something along the lines of 'people can interpret things how they want' or something.

6. Even if all of the points I made were not the case, I cannot stress enough how little I care about what someone should or should not ship. If you don't like it, just block the fanart/fic/video and move on. I promise society will not crumble because someone decides to ship two fictional characters from a mythology movie. We will be fine.

(Also if you see anyone in the chinese fandom write 藕饼cp, the cp stands for "couple". Just to clarify. They use different terms for shipping in chinese fandoms, they'll say they "ke CP" aka ship a couple)

Some of the comments I've seen make me wonder if people have even watched the movies. 'You can't ship them cause they're brothers', god don't make me laugh.

Don't let them find out that the chinese fandom is also shipping Ao Bing and Nezha from the 1979 cartoon, they'd lose their minds.

#nezha #nezha 2 #oubing #nezha x ao bing #ao bing #li nezha #nezha 2019 #nezha 2025 #ao bing x nezha #藕饼

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musicalmoritz · 19 hours ago

Text

Fanfic Etiquette

I was looking at the bookmarks on some of my recent fics and I found two that were made in very poor taste

First off, *read

Secondly, this is what people mean when they talk about poor fanfic etiquette. Public bookmarks are visible to the authors of the fics you’re leaving them on, you should be conscious of that when leaving your thoughts. AO3 is not GoodReads, it is not the place to give your criticisms unless the author has explicitly asked for that (and even then, you should do it in a polite way). I promise you, no one appreciates your commentary. Readers aren’t dying to know what Green_Rabbits1610 thought of a certain fic, they’re gonna read it anyways based on whether or not the tags+summary seemed interesting to them. It’s not the same as leaving a book review, because people don’t need to rely on opinions from others to decide if they want to read a quick 3k fic. Unlike with books that can take days, even weeks to read, if you read a 3k fic and dislike it, you haven’t rly wasted much of your time. And also saying “eh” isn’t really a review in the first place so I’m not really sure what they’re trying to accomplish here

And also. Out of sheer curiosity. Why are ya’ll bookmarking fics you dislike??? I don’t even bookmark every fic I hardcore love, I save it for the ones that really stand out to me. If I don’t bookmark them tho I still leave a nice comment to let the author know their work was appreciated. And most importantly, if I dislike a fic, I recognize that that is my problem and not the author’s. I complain abt it privately to my friends and move on with my life. You see I have been on ao3 long enough to know that ao3 authors don't give a FUCK if you dislike their work, in fact it will only encourage them to write more. The most common thing I've gotten hate for is non-monogamy and guess what I keep writing anyways? Non-monogamy🥳

Anyways, I genuinely don't mean for this post to come across as a rant or crashout or anything like that. Yes, I'll admit I was annoyed to find these, but my goal here is ultimately to educate people on fanfic etiquette. I'm going to give these wannabe critics the benefit of the doubt and assume they're new here. I hope that if they find this post, they can learn something after hopefully suffering a bit over it (jk!!! jk)

On a totally unrelated note this has given me motivation to finish my Terukaneaoinene series

#toilet bound hanako kun #tbhk #jibaku shounen hanako kun #jshk #hananene #akaneneaoi #fanfic etiquette #fanfic #fan fiction #ao3 #archive of our own #fandom #fandom discourse

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jungkoode · 3 days ago

Text

𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊 𝐌𝐄 𝐔𝐏 | 11

˗ˏˋ car literature ˎˊ˗

"Halfway across the country to escape your parents' expectations, only to find their voices still echo in your head. Maybe freedom isn't about how far you run, but what you choose to hear when everything goes quiet."

next | index

⋆｡°✩ chapter details ✩°｡⋆

word count: 7.5k

content: jungkook being late, y/n offering him a ride, coffee mainsplaining, new friendships, jimin being a book nerd, jin reserving tables, professor namjoon kim having dimples and giving you a helping hand on your assignement

✧ author's note ✧

OKAY HI LOSERS!!!! Chapter 11 is here, right on schedule like the little miracle worker I am. I actually have ch11, 12, and 13 all done and ready to go but I'm sticking to my posting schedule because SOMEONE (me) knows she'll burn out at some point so you better savor this while it lasts.

Anyway, about Y/N having a car: yes, she has one because I said so and Jungkook doesn't because he's a whole-ass LOSER LMAO. I did love weaving in the reason behind the car though and connecting it to her messy complicated relationship with her parents. God I love how human she is??? Like, she's so conflicted—grateful for what they've done but suffocated by their expectations. THE COMPLEXITY. I'm obsessed with my own creation, forgive me.

I'll give Jungkook some credit here (GASP) because while he has the self-awareness of a potato, he IS observant and perceptive when he wants to be. Boy's too busy coping with humor and deflecting for his own good though. You'll see what I mean… eventually.

Also can we talk about how much I'm LIVING for Y/N and Jimin's growing friendship?? I love how Y/N makes friends for such different reasons—Yeji is the one who makes her feel like she doesn't have to have her shit figured out, Irya is the emotionally intelligent one, and Jimin?? They bond over their shared love of literature and books and isn't that just chef's kiss beautiful?

And I refuse to apologize for the text messages. REFUSE. The texts are staying because I love writing them too much. Deal with it.

FINALLY THOUGH!!! NAMJOON MAKES HIS ENTRANCE!!! MY KING!!! I've actually had him planned since chapter 3 (don't get it twisted), there are hints if you paid attention. But now he's finally here in all his dimpled glory and we love him. Jin, I understand you completely, babes.

ANYWAY. Chapter below. Enjoy bobs bobes and bobas!!!

⋆｡°✩ read on✩°｡⋆

ao3

wattpad

The sound of Jungkook stubbing his toe for the third time this morning is, objectively speaking, fucking hilarious.

You hide your smirk behind your mug, pretending to be deeply invested in your FYP as another muffled "shit—motherfucking—” echoes from his room. The apartment has been a symphony of chaos for the past fifteen minutes: doors slamming, drawers banging, what sounds suspiciously like a guitar being knocked over (followed by more creative cursing).

And okay, maybe you're a little evil for enjoying this so much. But come on. Mr. "I Pretend To Have My Life Together" finally overslept, and you get to witness the glorious fallout while calmly sipping your morning coffee. The universe gives you so few gifts. You're allowed to savor this one.

His coffee sits next to yours, made exactly the way he likes it—because yes, you've noticed how particular he is about his precious coffee routine. Two shots of espresso, a splash of oat milk (regular milk upsets his stomach, not that he's ever admitted it), and just a hint of vanilla syrup. You absolutely refuse to acknowledge how or why you've memorized this.

Something crashes in the bathroom. Griffin, lounging on the windowsill, barely twitches an ear.

"Has he always been this much of a disaster?" you ask the cat. Griffin's slow blink feels judgmental. Fair enough.

More thundering footsteps. A drawer slams so hard you feel it in your teeth. You scroll past a video of someone's cute dog, not really seeing it, too focused on tracking the hurricane that is your roommate having a morning meltdown.

"Fuck—where is my—" His voice cuts off abruptly.

You can practically hear him running his hands through his hair, tugging—that thing he does when he's stressed.

Your phone buzzes with a text from Yeji.

𝐘𝐞𝐣𝐢🖤: 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚕𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚑?

You're typing back a quick 𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚑, 𝚞𝚜𝚞𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚝 when Jungkook bursts into the kitchen like he's being chased. His hair is still wet from the shower, shirt only half-buttoned, and—oh.

Oh no.

He's wearing The Jeans.

The ones that make his thighs look like they were carved from marble.

The ones you specifically remember clawing off him that first night, back when he was just Hot Stranger From the Bar.

You take a very deliberate sip of coffee and absolutely do not think about that.

"Late for something?" you ask innocently, like you haven't been cataloging every crash and curse for the past quarter hour.

He whirls toward you, and for a split second, you catch him completely unguarded—flushed, disheveled, one hand still trying to button his shirt. Then his eyes narrow, landing on the coffee mug next to yours.

"Is that—"

"Just drink it, Rogue." You cut him off, rolling your eyes. "Unless you want to waste more time making your own."

The nickname slips out without permission. You blame it on the early hour, on not having enough caffeine yet. Not on how he looks with his hair still dripping, water darkening the collar of his shirt. Definitely not on how the morning light catches the silver ring on his hand when he reaches for the mug.

He takes a sip. His eyebrows shoot up.

"This is—"

"If you say 'perfect,' I'm dumping the rest down the sink."

The corner of his mouth twitches. "Actually, the extraction time on this is slightly—"

"I swear to god, if you start mansplaining coffee to me at—" you check your phone, "—eight forty-seven in the morning, I will personally ensure you never make it to wherever you're going."

"It's called sharing knowledge, Phoenix." He's already moving again, a blur of motion that somehow manages to look both graceful and completely chaotic. "And the optimal brewing temperature for espresso is—"

"Do you ever just hear yourself talk and think 'wow, I'm really like this'?"

"—between 195 and 205 degrees Fahrenheit, which you'd know if you actually paid attention when I—" He freezes mid-rant. "Wait, what time did you say it was?"

"Eight forty... eight now."

"Fuck. Fuck." He runs both hands through his hair, making it stick up even worse. "I can't be late to this one."

You can't help yourself. "Don't you skip Film Theory like, twice a week?"

"That's—that's different." He's practically vibrating now. "This is the one where we're presenting our—where the fuck is my phone?"

"The thing you set down right here when you grabbed your coffee?" You tap your fingernail against his phone, which has been sitting next to your elbow this whole time. "This phone?"

He lunges for it, and you definitely don't notice how he has to lean into your space to grab it, or how he still smells like his stupidly expensive shower gel. The screen lights up in his hand and—wait.

"Is that Griffin as your lockscreen?"

"What? No." He shoves the phone in his pocket too quickly. "It's—shut up."

"Oh my god, it totally is. Is it the one where he's sleeping in the—"

"I'm gonna be late," he cuts you off, already halfway to the bathroom. You hear him banging around, probably looking for his cologne. The one that makes him smell like rain and...

You glance at the time again. At this rate...

"Want me to take you?"

His head pokes around the bathroom door, hair falling in his eyes. There's a bit of toothpaste at the corner of his mouth that he hasn't noticed.

"What?"

"My car?" You try to sound casual, like you're not offering to save his ass. "Unless you'd rather take the subway and definitely be late."

He stares at you like you've just started speaking in tongues.

“You got a—" His brow furrows. "Wait, you got a car?"

"No, I'm offering you a ride on my imaginary unicorn." You roll your eyes. "Yes, I have a car. Had it for like, two weeks now. How have you not noticed?"

"I've been busy!" He disappears back into the bathroom, voice slightly muffled. "And since when do you—why would you even—who has a car in New York?"

"People who don't want to deal with the subway at 2 AM after work?" You raise your voice so he can hear you over what sounds like him knocking over every single bottle in the bathroom. "Also, time check: eight fifty-one."

"Shit." More crashing sounds. "Okay, yes, fine, please drive me, I'll never make fun of your tea collection again."

"That's a lie and we both know it."

You drop your mug gently in the sink, leaving washing for later in the day, next to his. Then grab your bag, your sunglasses too—from where they're perched on top of your head. Walk to the door and wait for Jungkook to finish spraying his perfume before he’s darting out of the tiny room and positioning himself next to you.

Then you’re out, glasses sliding on as you lock the door. The movement is automatic, practiced—something you picked up during those long drives when the sun would hit just right and—

"Okay, Gossip Girl," he snorts, cutting into your thoughts.

"You haven't even watched Gossip Girl."

"Excuse you, I'm a man of culture." He's half-jogging to keep up with you, which is... something, considering his legs are approximately twice as long as yours. "Blair Waldorf is an icon and Chuck Bass is—wait, no, seriously." He catches up as you reach the elevator. "Why do you have a car? In New York? Who are you?"

The elevator doors slide open with their usual concerning screech. You step in, leaning against the back wall as he follows, hitting -1 with his thumb. The fluorescent lights make the shadows under his eyes more pronounced—definitely up too late gaming again.

"When I signed the lease," you say, watching the numbers tick down, "Miguel mentioned there was an unused garage spot included. It was actually one of my prerequisites."

"Prerequisites," he repeats slowly, like he's tasting the word. When you glance over, he's looking at you with an expression you can't quite read. "You came here on your own?"

You shrug, suddenly very interested in a scuff mark on the elevator floor.

"Yeah."

"Where from?"

The question hangs in the air between you. It's such a simple thing to ask, really. Basic getting-to-know-you stuff. But something about the way he says it, soft and curious, makes your throat tight.

"Small town," you say finally. "The kind where everyone knows everyone's business and the most exciting thing that happens is when someone paints their fence the wrong shade of beige."

He doesn't laugh like you expect. When you risk another look, he's still watching you, head tilted slightly.

"Must've been quite the change."

"That was kind of the point."

The elevator jolts, making you grab the rail. He doesn't move, somehow keeping his balance like he's got magnets in his shoes or something. Imbecile.

"So what, you just... packed up and drove to New York?" There's something in his voice—not quite disbelief, but close.

"I mean, I applied to NYU first. I'm not completely insane." You're aiming for light, casual, but it comes out a bit defensive. "But yeah, basically. Loaded up the car, picked a playlist, and..." You wave your hand vaguely.

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

He's quiet for a moment, and you can practically hear him piecing things together. The way you never talk about home. How you tense up when anyone mentions family. The fact that your room is filled with things you clearly bought after moving in, nothing old or sentimental except—

"The bear," he says suddenly.

"What?"

"The stuffed bear on your bed. The really old-looking one." He straightens up, like he's solved a puzzle. "That's why you got it. It's from before."

Something uncomfortable squirms in your chest.

“Okay, Detective Kuko, maybe focus on not being late instead of psychoanalyzing my childhood toys?"

The elevator dings, doors sliding open to reveal the garage. He pushes off the wall, but you catch his reflection in the mirrored doors—that little half-smile that he always pulls when he’s being particularly insufferable.

"You know," he says, following you out into the dimly lit space, "for someone who claims to hate nicknames, you sure throw around a lot of them."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Rogue."

His laugh echoes off the concrete walls. "Whatever you say, Phoenix."

The car beeps when you press the button on the key fob, its sound echoing off the concrete walls of the garage. It’s a rundown 2010 Honda Civic, the kind of car that blends into the background of every suburban parking lot.

The kind your father refused to buy you when you were eighteen and wanted to transfer to a college campus just a bit further away.

Funny how that worked out for him. You ended up buying this one yourself, and now you’re in New York City—a hell of a lot further away than that first suggestion.

But your chest tightens at the thought, like it always does when you let your mind wander back there.

What were you even aiming for?

Retribution?

Vengeance?

For what? Daddy not wanting to get you a car? When they’ve paid for your tuition all this time, made dinner for you when you stayed up late studying, and even sat through all of the Avengers movies with you despite hating superhero flicks. Your mom would always cut up fruit for you during finals season, leaving little notes on the kitchen counter that said things like You’ve got this! or Proud of you! in her neat handwriting.

A mix of guilt and frustration gnaws at you. Because what kind of ungrateful asshole feels bitter about something so small when their parents have done so much?

And yet, here you are. Feeling it anyway.

It’s not like they were bad parents—strict, sure, but not bad. They just wanted what was best for you, didn’t they?

So why does it still sting when you think about how they dismissed your creative writing journal as a “waste of time” or how they steered every conversation toward practicality and success? Why does it feel like every decision they made for you came with strings attached? Like love was something earned through achievements instead of something freely given?

You grip the keys tighter as if that’ll stop the spiral forming in your head. Because it’s not fair to them, is it? They did their best. They didn’t know how suffocating it felt to have every move scrutinized, every choice second-guessed.

And maybe—just maybe—you’re blowing it all out of proportion. Maybe they weren’t controlling; maybe you were just too sensitive. Maybe this whole mess is on

you.

But then again... wasn’t it their fear that kept you tethered to that small town for so long? Their insistence on safety and stability that made leaving feel like rebellion instead of growth?

You shake your head, trying to shove those thoughts aside. It doesn’t matter now. You’re here. You made it out. You’re independent and capable and—

“Wow,” Jungkook’s voice cuts through your inner monologue like a knife, dragging you back to reality with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. “This car sucks.”

Your head snaps toward him as he stands there, one eyebrow raised in judgmental amusement. He’s leaning against the passenger door like he’s too good to even touch it properly.

Without thinking, you slam the driver’s door closed with more force than necessary. “Changed my mind,” you snap, glaring at him over the roof of the car. “Go walk.”

He laughs, already folding his stupidly long legs into the passenger seat. "Aw, come on, Phoenix. I'm sure it has... character."

"Get out of my car."

"The duct tape on the mirror really adds something, you know?"

"I will leave you here."

"Is that a Fast and Furious sticker? Did you actually—"

"One more word about my car and you're taking the subway."

He holds his hands up in surrender, but he's still grinning.

"Wouldn't dream of insulting your..." His eyes dart to the dashboard where the check engine light has been on since you bought it. "Unique vehicle."

"I hate you so much right now."

"No you don't." He starts fiddling with the radio, because apparently personal boundaries mean nothing to him. "Oh my god, is this a cassette player?"

You swat his hand away. "Touch my radio and die."

"But—"

"My car, my rules."

"What are you gonna do, make me listen to your sad girl hours playlist?"

You turn the key in the ignition, the engine sputtering to life with its usual concerning cough. "Bold of you to assume I'd share my playlists with someone who butchers Mayer's solos every night."

"I do not—" He sits up straighter, actually offended. "That was one time, and the strings were new, and—"

"Slow Dancing in a Burning Room doesn't need your creative reinterpretation, Rogue."

And fuck. Why did you have to bring up that specific song? The one he was playing two nights ago, like it was just for you and him in the quiet of the night.

"Didn't know you were such a Mayer purist, Phoenix."

You check your mirrors, definitely not watching how he slouches in the seat, all long limbs and morning-messy hair.

"Seatbelt, Kuko."

"Is that your favorite Mayer song?"

God, why is he doing this? Making small talk about music like he didn't just watch you have a whole crisis about your car?

"I guess." You mutter, exiting the garage once and for all.

You merge into traffic, grateful for the excuse to focus on something other than how he's angled his body toward you in the passenger seat.

But then, because he can’t leave things alone…

"You know any others?"

You lick your lips. Two beats of silence.

“Some ring a bell." You finally say. Swallow. Change lanes. Don't think about summer evenings and vinyl records and— "It's just that one... brings memories."

Silence, again.

You can feel him watching you, that way he does sometimes when he thinks you're not paying attention. Like he's trying to solve a puzzle but keeps finding new pieces.

Then he sighs, a soft chuckle that does absolutely nothing to your stomach. Nothing at all.

“Guess I'll have to play some more for you." His voice drops slightly, just shy of teasing. "You know, expand your musical taste."

And what the fuck are you supposed to do with that? With the way he says it—like a challenge, like a promise? With how the morning sun catches his ring when he drums his fingers against his thigh, keeping time to whatever song is playing in his head?

"Bold of you to assume I want to hear more of your mediocre guitar skills."

It's weak and you both know it.

But he lets you have it, just huffs out another laugh and turns to look out the window.

And you absolutely do not notice how the sunlight catches the edge of his jaw, or the way his shirt is still slightly wrinkled from his rush this morning.

No. No, you don’t.

"Wait, you're telling me you've never read Donna Tartt?"

Jimin's scandalized whisper makes you grin as you both push through the library's heavy doors. There's something endearing about how genuinely offended he is by this gap in your literary education.

"In my defense," you whisper back, following him up the stairs to the second floor, "I was a bit busy reading whatever my parents deemed 'appropriate' until, oh, about six months ago?"

He glances back at you, something knowing in his eyes. It should make you uncomfortable—usually does, when people look at you like they understand. But with Jimin, it feels... okay. Maybe because he was there that night at your apartment, quietly positioning himself next to you like a gentle buffer against the chaos.

"Okay, but now you have to read The Secret History." He leads you to what's clearly his usual spot—a corner table partially hidden behind the Classical Literature stacks. "It's like... Dark Academia meets murder mystery meets Greek tragedy."

"You had me at murder mystery, honestly."

He pulls out a chair, dropping his bag with practiced ease. "I actually have my copy here somewhere. The spine's basically destroyed because I've read it so many times, but—"

"Let me guess—you're one of those people who annotates their books?"

His cheeks flush slightly. "Maybe?"

"Oh my god, you totally are." You slide into the chair across from him, already feeling more relaxed than you have all day. "Do you use different colored pens? Have a whole system?"

"...you're making fun of me."

"I would never." You scoff. "I'm simply appreciating your dedication to the literary arts."

He tries to maintain his pout, but you can see the smile fighting through.

"You know what? For that, I'm not telling you where the secret coffee spot is."

"The what now?"

"Oh, nothing." He starts unpacking his bag with exaggerated nonchalance. "Just a hidden corner where they don't enforce the 'no drinks' policy. But since you're so judgmental about my annotation habits..."

"Park Jimin." You lean forward, lowering your voice conspiratorially. "Are you telling me there's a way I can read and caffeinate without having to dodge the library police?"

"I don't know..." He draws it out, eyes twinkling. "Can you be trusted with such powerful knowledge?"

"I will literally annotate a book right now. Any book. Pick one."

His laugh is barely more than a breath, but it's warm, genuine.

“Okay, okay. But first—what's your stance on dog-earing pages?"

You gasp. "What kind of monster do you think I am?"

"Just checking." He grins, finally pulling out his battered copy of The Secret History. "Here. But I want detailed feedback on all my margin notes."

You accept the book carefully, noting the well-worn spine, the sticky notes peeking out from between pages. "Did you... color-code your tabs?"

"That's it." He starts gathering his things. "I'm leaving."

"No, wait!" You grab his arm, laughing as quietly as you can. "I actually love it. Really. Show me your system?"

He settles back down, mock-glaring but clearly pleased. "Fine. But only because you actually seem to care about books, unlike some people."

"Let me guess—Yeji ditched the second you mentioned the library?"

"'Sorry, babe,'" he mimics Yeji's voice with surprising accuracy, "'but I only enter buildings with books if they also serve alcohol.'"

You snort. "That tracks."

"Speaking of tracking..." He pulls out his phone. "Want to see my reading spreadsheet?"

"Your what now?"

"It's color-coded by genre, with separate tabs for—"

"Jimin?"

"Yeah?"

"I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

His smile could power the whole library. "Just wait until I show you my TBR organization system."

And you find yourself smiling back, real and easy, as he launches into an explanation involving multiple apps and something called "reverse timeline sorting." Because yeah, okay—maybe making new friends isn't the worst thing in the world.

Even if they are terrifyingly organized book nerds who probably alphabetize their bookmarks.

Also, the thing about being an English major at NYU is that you end up sharing a lot of classes with the Comparative Literature kids.

It's not really surprising when you think about it—you're both basically studying books, just from different angles.

While you're deep diving into English and American literature (thanks to your very traditional parents who would have probably had an aneurysm if you'd picked anything more "experimental"), Jimin's out here analyzing texts from all over the world, looking at how different cultures approach storytelling.

Which is how you end up in at least three classes together this semester.

Modern Literature with Professor Sullivan on Mondays and Wednesdays (where Jimin always has the most interesting takes on international influences), Contemporary Poetry Analysis (where he somehow manages to connect Emily Dickinson to some obscure Korean poet you can't pronounce), and that one Friday afternoon workshop that everyone dreads but somehow becomes bearable when Jimin starts drawing parallels between Western and Eastern literary traditions.

It's actually kind of perfect. Your English major foundation gives you the deep knowledge of Western canon that his program requires, while his Comparative Literature perspective opens up whole new ways of looking at texts you thought you knew inside out.

Like right now, as he's explaining how Japanese magical realism evolved differently from its Latin American counterpart, you're seeing 100 Years of Solitude in a completely new light.

Plus, it's nice having someone who actually gives a shit about books.

Yeji, bless her chaotic heart, thinks anything written before 2010 is "prehistoric," and your other friend from Modern Lit only reads SparkNotes.

But Jimin? Jimin color-codes his annotations and has strong opinions about Oxford commas.

Which is probably why, when he suggested studying together, you didn't even hesitate. Because yes, okay, maybe you've been a bit... selective about making friends since moving to New York.

But someone who understands why you got emotional about Woolf's use of semicolons? That's the kind of friend worth having.

"Okay, but consider this," Jimin whispers, sliding his Contemporary Literature notes across the table. "What if we compared Murakami's use of magical realism with García Márquez? Because I swear there's a connection between Kafka on the Shore and 100 Years of Solitude that no one talks about."

You lean forward, scanning his impossibly neat handwriting. Of course his notes are color-coded. "For the Modern Lit essay?"

"Yeah, Professor Sullivan mentioned wanting unique perspectives, right?" His eyes light up the way they only do when discussing books. "And since you're taking Modern Literature and I've got Comparative Lit Theory this semester..."

"A cross-course analysis?" You tap your pen against your notebook, mind already racing. "That's... actually brilliant?"

"Really?" He perks up, then immediately remembers to lower his voice when someone at the next table glares. "Because I was thinking, with your focus on contemporary Western literature and my background in Eastern literary traditions—"

"We could explore how different cultural interpretations of magical realism intersect!" You're probably too excited about this for a library setting, but whatever. "Jimin, you're literally a genius."

He ducks his head, but you catch his pleased smile. "I mean, you're the one who brought up the cyclical narrative patterns in class last week. I just thought maybe we could..."

"Collaborate?" You're already flipping to a fresh page in your notebook. "Please tell me you're not working with anyone else for the final paper."

"Was kind of waiting for the right partner." He gives you a pointed look. "Someone who wouldn't just make me do all the work."

"Unlike some people we know?"

"I'm not naming names, but..." He glances around conspiratorially. "Let's just say I've already witnessed Yeji's approach to required reading in our shared Literature and Gender class last week."

"Do tell."

"She showed up to discuss Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own and asked, completely seriously, if it was about interior design." He shudders dramatically. "Then tried to argue that her TikTok research should count as academic sources."

You have to stuff your fist against your mouth to muffle your laugh.

"She did not."

"Direct quote: 'But professor, this BookToker made some really good points about, like, the feminist undertones and stuff.'" He pulls out his laptop, already opening a fresh document. "So, partner? I mean, we're only two weeks into the semester, but I can already tell you actually read the material. Plus, I've got access to some really interesting papers on Japanese magical realism through the Comparative Lit database."

"Only if you let me buy you coffee at Jin's after this." You pause. "Wait, is that weird? Am I being weird?"

His smile is soft, understanding. "Not weird at all. But only if you let me show you my favorite translation of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. The annotations are chef's kiss."

"God, you really are a book nerd, aren't you?"

"Says the person who got excited about cyclical narrative patterns."

"...touché."

He starts typing, fingers flying over the keys. "So, structure-wise, I was thinking we could start with a brief overview of traditional magical realism in Latin American literature, then transition into..."

You settle in, watching him outline your shared project with the same methodical care he probably uses to organize his bookshelf.

And maybe it's the quiet of the library, or the way afternoon sun filters through the stacks, but something in your chest feels lighter.

Because this—this easy back-and-forth about books and ideas—this is what you came to New York for.

"Oh!" Jimin's whisper breaks into your thoughts. "We should definitely include the cat symbolism in both texts. Speaking of..." He glances up from his screen. "How's living with Griffin?"

"The cat or his stupid owner?"

The words slip out before you can stop them. Jimin's eyebrows shoot up, a knowing look crossing his face that makes you want to hide behind your textbook.

"Why? Wanna talk about his owner?”

"I meant—that's not—he is stupid!" You grab your water bottle just to have something to do with your hands. "Whatever. We should focus on the magical realism thing."

"Mhm." He's still giving you that look. "Whatever you say. But you know, if you ever want to talk about... cats..."

"I will literally throw this book at you."

"The annotated one? You wouldn't dare."

"Try me, Park."

His quiet laugh makes a few people look over, but you can't bring yourself to care. Because somehow, in the span of an afternoon, you've gained both a study partner and what feels like a real friend.

Even if said friend is now wiggling his eyebrows at you every time you try to redirect the conversation back to Murakami.

Your phone buzzes against the table, making Jimin glance up from his color-coded notes.

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚛 𝚞 𝚛𝚗

You roll your eyes, typing back quickly.

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚕𝚒𝚋𝚛𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚓𝚒𝚖𝚒𝚗

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚠𝚑𝚢

The three dots appear. Disappear. Appear again. Your screen lights up with his reply.

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚛 𝚞 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚘𝚖𝚎

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚒𝚍𝚔 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝟷𝟻𝚖𝚒𝚗?

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝟺𝟶

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝟺𝟶????

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚠𝚝𝚏 𝚠𝚑𝚢

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚍𝚘 𝚒𝚝 𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚡

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚘𝚖𝚐

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚢𝚘𝚞,𝚟𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝟺𝟶 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚘? 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝’𝚜 𝚜𝚊𝚍

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚞𝚖? 🥺

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚞

Your fingers hover over the keyboard because—what the fuck is he saying right now? What does he mean?

But then.

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚌𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚗 𝟻 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚎

Fucking bitch-ass motherfucker.

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔 𝚘𝚏𝚏

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎???

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚗𝚊𝚑

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚖

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚘

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚜𝚜 🤢

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚒𝚍𝚔 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚖𝚢 𝚎𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚘

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚘 𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚊𝚕𝚜𝚘 𝚠𝚎 𝚛 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚝 𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚢 𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚖

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚒𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚖𝚊𝚕

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚍𝚎𝚋𝚊𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚊𝚕𝚜𝚘 𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚝𝚒𝚙𝚜?

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚞 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚊 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝 𝚓𝚘𝚋 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝟻 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚡

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚜 𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝙸𝙽𝚂𝙸𝚂𝚃𝙴𝙳

𝐘𝐨𝐮: "𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚎 𝚒’𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚚𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚔, 𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚡”

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚜 🙄

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚝 𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚞 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗’𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚒𝚝

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚊𝚕𝚜𝚘 𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚜 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝟺𝟶 𝚖𝚒𝚗 𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚡

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚛 💅

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚞𝚛 𝚌𝚞𝚝𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚞𝚛 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚞𝚙 𝚙𝚑𝚎𝚎

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚜𝚝𝚏𝚞 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚎 𝟺𝟶

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚝

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚎

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚘𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚠

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚐𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚗’𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚘𝚡 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚔

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚙𝚜 𝚞 𝚜𝚕𝚎𝚎𝚙 𝚊𝚝 𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚗𝚒𝚡

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚕𝚎𝚎𝚙

𝐊𝐮𝐤𝐨🖕🏻: 𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚖𝚜 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚖𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚘𝚌𝚛𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚐𝚊𝚖𝚎 😏

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚊𝚗 𝙴𝙼𝙾𝙹𝙸???

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚘𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚎

Read 4:47 PM

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚒 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚎 𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚎

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚋𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚎𝚝𝚜

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝙰𝙽𝙳 𝙾𝙿𝙴𝙽𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙰 𝚆𝙸𝙽𝙳𝙾𝚆

Read 4:48 PM

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚒 𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞

𝐘𝐨𝐮: 𝚜𝚘 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑

Read 4:49 PM

You shove your phone in your bag. Whatever. You've got actual priorities here—like making real friends who appreciate literature and don't judge your drink choices (does he?).

"Actually," you say, straightening up and pulling out your Modern Lit syllabus, "let’s go to Jin’s right now. Because I could use a caramel frappuccino, and I'd love to hear more about your take on Murakami's symbolism."

Jimin's whole face lights up. "Really? Because I have thoughts about the significance of wells as transitional spaces in—"

"Lead the way, book nerd." You start packing up your stuff, already feeling more centered. "But fair warning—I will absolutely judge your coffee order if it's anything boring like plain black."

"You order everything with extra whipped cream, don’t you?”

"It's called having taste, Jimin. And yes, I want the little chocolate sprinkles too."

His laugh echoes through the stacks as you both head out, earning a few glares that you can't bring yourself to care about. Because this? This is exactly what you need. Good conversation, sugary drinks, and someone who gets genuinely excited about literary analysis.

Your phone stays silent in your bag. You don't even think about checking it.

After all, you've got more interesting things to focus on—like whether Jin will let you convince him to add extra caramel to your drink, or finally having someone who understands why you cried over that one Sylvia Plath poem.

Because honestly? There’s just something deliciously satisfying about choosing exactly how you want to spend your afternoon.

And right now? That means ordering the sweetest drink on the menu and diving deep into a discussion about magical realism with someone who actually gets it.

Sometimes the best kind of freedom is just... doing whatever the fuck you want.

The thing about Jin is that he treats his coffee shop like it's a kingdom and he's the benevolent (but definitely judgy) ruler.

"Well, well." He quirks an eyebrow as you and Jimin push through the door, the familiar smell of coffee and old books wrapping around you like a hug. "Where's the demon child?"

"Yeji's allergic to studying." You lean against the counter, already eyeing the pastry display. "Breaks out in hives if she gets too close to academic pursuit."

Jin snorts, wiping his hands on his apron. "That tracks. Haven't seen you in a few days—were you actually at the library? Or is this some elaborate cover story?"

"Studying, actually." You gesture to Jimin, who's hovering politely beside you. "With actual books and everything. Jin, this is Jimin. Jimin, this is Jin, who makes the best coffee in the East Village but will definitely judge your order."

"I don't judge." Jin's mouth twitches. "I merely... evaluate life choices."

Jimin waves shyly. "Nice to meet you. Yeji's mentioned this place a lot."

"All lies, probably." Jin's already moving to the espresso machine, hands automatic in their movements. "What can I get you both? And Y/N, before you say it— no, I will not make you one of those abominations with eight pumps of syrup."

"Rude." You straighten up, pretending to study the menu like you don't order the same thing every time. "Fine. Latte with cold foam?"

He rolls his eyes, but there's fondness there. "Let me make you something better. Just got a new blend in—Ethiopian, hints of blueberry. You'll love it."

"Bold of you to assume I can taste anything beyond sugar."

"Trust me." He turns to Jimin. "And for you?"

"Just an americano, please."

You whirl around. "That's so sad."

"Shut up." Jimin shoves your shoulder lightly. "Not all of us need a sugar high to function."

"Your loss." You're already heading toward your usual spot—eyeing the different tables and settling for the corner one with the best lighting and a perfect view of both the street and the counter. "Come on, I'll show you where—"

"Ah ah." Jin's voice stops you. "Not that one."

You turn back, eyebrow raised. "What? It's empty."

"Someone sits there."

"I literally see no bag?" You gesture at the conspicuously empty table. "No books, no laptop, no nothing."

"Someone," Jin repeats, voice somehow both firmer and more amused, "sits there."

"But—"

"Y/N." He gives you that look, the one that somehow makes you feel like a kid being gently scolded. "Pick another table."

You glance at the mysterious empty table, then back at Jin, then at the table again. Because what the actual fuck? Since when does Jin reserve tables? And for who?

But he's already turned back to the espresso machine, humming something under his breath, clearly considering the matter closed.

"Come on." Jimin tugs your sleeve, pointing to another corner. "That one looks good too."

You let him lead you away, but not without throwing one last suspicious look over your shoulder. Jin pretends not to notice, but you catch the slight smile playing at his lips as he starts grinding coffee beans.

Weird. Very weird.

You sigh loudly, and woah okay you’re starting to sound like Yeji now. Her energy is definitely rubbing off on you. You take your stuff out along with Jimin and start chatting right away.

"All I'm saying is," you whisper-rant to Jimin, still bitter about this morning, "if someone makes you coffee, you say thank you. You don't launch into a TED talk about optimal brewing temperatures like some pretentious—"

The bell above the door chimes, and holy shit.

HOLY. SHIT.

The man who walks in is...

Well, first of all, he's tall. Like, unfairly tall.

And he's wearing these round glasses that should look dorky but somehow don't, perched on a face that belongs in one of those aesthetic academic Pinterest boards. His blonde hair is slicked back in a way that screams 'I definitely know about wine pairings', and his light blue dress shirt paired with navy pants is giving very much 'yes, I read Proust for fun.'

But it's the way he carries himself—confident but not cocky, with a laptop bag swinging gently by his thigh—that really catches your attention.

That, and how Jin's whole demeanor shifts when he sees him.

"Joon!" Jin's voice is different—warmer, maybe? "The usual?"

The man—Joon, apparently—smiles, and oh. Oh. That's just unfair. Because he's got actual dimples. Like, dimples dimples.

They chat for a moment, their conversation too low to hear from where you're sitting, but you catch Jin gesturing toward... wait.

Toward the table.

THE table.

The one you were just exiled from.

Namjoon nods, that devastating smile still in place, and heads straight for what is apparently his designated spot in Jin's kingdom.

You narrow your eyes. Who exactly is this mysterious dimpled giant with table-reserving privileges? And why does Jin look slightly pink around the ears as he starts making what is presumably 'the usual'?

"Hey?" Jimin waves his hand in front of your face. "You good?"

"Sorry, just..." You tilt your head toward the table-stealer. "Trying to figure out who managed to get permanent dibs on prime real estate in here."

Jimin turns, trying (and absolutely failing) to be subtle about it. Then he makes a small choking sound.

"Oh god," he whispers, whipping back around. "That's Professor Kim."

You blink. "Professor who now?"

"Namjoon Kim? From the English department?" When you continue staring blankly, he adds, "He teaches Literary Criticism in my major? Published in like, every major literary journal? Youngest professor in the department?"

"That's a professor?" You peek over again, watching as he sets up his laptop with methodical precision. "Why does he look like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like..." You gesture vaguely. "You know. Like that.”

"Please stop staring," Jimin hisses. "He's brilliant and terrifying and I have to present in his class next week."

"Terrifying?" You snort. "The man has dimples, Jimin. And his glasses are literally round. He looks like a very tall teddy bear who probably reads Keats for fun."

"He once made someone cry by asking them to explain their interpretation of a Emily Dickinson poem."

"Okay, but was their interpretation wrong?"

"Y/N."

"What? I'm just saying—"

Jin appears with your drinks, setting them down with more force than strictly necessary. "Stop gossiping about my customers."

"We're not gossiping," you protest. "We're... conducting academic observation."

"Mhm." He raises an eyebrow. "How's that new blend?"

You take a sip of whatever fancy coffee he made you, and... oh. Oh.

"This is..."

"Better than your sugar milk?" His smirk is unbearable. "You're welcome."

He walks away before you can argue, heading back to where Professor Dimples is apparently grading papers, judging by the red pen in his hand.

"Don't even think about it," Jimin warns.

"Think about what?"

"Whatever you're plotting. I can see it on your face."

"I'm not plotting anything!" You take another sip of your annoyingly perfect coffee. "I just think it's interesting that Jin never mentioned having a designated professor spot in his shop."

"No."

"What? I'm just being observant."

Jimin looks like he's regretting every life choice that led him to befriend you. "Can we please just focus on Murakami?"

"Fine." You pull out your notes, but you can't help stealing one more glance at the mysterious professor. "But just so you know, anyone who makes students cry over Emily Dickinson is definitely going on my list of people to investigate."

"I'm pretending I didn't hear that."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Jimjim."

20 minutes pass by. 20 minutes of Jimin humming as he searches articles on the web. 20 minutes of you two now doing your individual assignments for your different classes. 20 minutes of you nearly losing your mind over yours.

"Who," you groan, slumping over your laptop, "decided that writing a comparative analysis of post-modern narrative structures was a good idea for week two? Week two, Jimin. I still haven't figured out where half my classes are."

Jimin chuckles, leaning over to point at something on your screen. "Look, if you connect these two themes here—"

You lift your head just enough to glare at him. "I will literally pay you to write this for me."

"No you won't."

"You're right, I'm broke. But I'll owe you my firstborn."

"Still no."

"My soul?"

"Bold of you to assume you still have one after declaring an English major."

You're about to argue that your soul is perfectly intact, thank you very much, when you feel it—the weight of someone's gaze. You glance up and oh fuck.

Professor Dimples is looking right at you, one eyebrow raised slightly above those round glasses. Because of course he heard your entire breakdown about his colleague's assignment. Of course he did.

You drop your eyes back to your laptop so fast you probably give yourself whiplash. Maybe if you slouch low enough, you'll just... dissolve into the floor. That's possible, right?

Jimin swats your arm. "Stop being dramatic."

"I'm not being dramatic," you whisper-hiss. "I'm just saying, who assigns a five-thousand word analysis before we've even figured out the coffee situation on campus?"

"Having trouble with Professor Lee's class?"

You freeze. Because that voice—deep, warm, and definitely coming from right next to your table—belongs to exactly who you think it does.

Slowly, you look up. Professor Kim is standing there, coffee cup in hand, looking far too amused for someone who apparently makes students cry over poetry.

"I, uh—" Words. You know words. You're literally majoring in them. "No? I mean, yes? I mean—"

"She's struggling with the comparative analysis assignment," Jimin supplies helpfully, the traitor. "The one about narrative structures in post-modern literature."

"Ah." Professor Kim's dimples make an appearance. "Mind if I...?" He gestures to the empty chair at your table.

What are you supposed to say? No? To the professor who apparently has permanent dibs on the best table in Jin's? Who probably knows seventeen ways to destroy your GPA with a single red pen mark?

"Sure," you manage, shooting Jimin a panicked look that he completely ignores.

Professor Kim settles into the chair, setting his coffee down carefully. "The thing about post-modern narrative structures," he says, like he's sharing a secret, "is that everyone overthinks them."

You blink. "What?"

"It's actually quite simple." He gestures to your laptop. "May I?"

You turn the screen toward him, watching as he scans your document. His brow furrows slightly, and you resist the urge to slam the laptop shut and run away.

"See, here—" He points to a paragraph. "You're actually onto something interesting. The way you've connected the unreliable narrator to the fragmented timeline... that's good. You're just getting caught up in the academic language instead of trusting your instincts."

"My... instincts?"

"Mhm." He takes a sip of his coffee. "Tell me—without thinking about theory or criticism or any of that—why did this particular narrative choice catch your attention?"

You open your mouth. Close it. Because honestly? "It reminded me of those dreams where you're trying to remember something, but the memory keeps slipping away? Like, you know it's important, but every time you get close, it sort of... dissolves?"

His smile widens. "Write that."

"What, the dream thing?"

"Exactly that. In exactly those words." He leans back, looking pleased. "That's what post-modern literature is about—the messy, fragmented way our minds actually work. Not the polished academic analysis we think we're supposed to write."

From behind the counter, you hear Jin snort. "Are you corrupting my customers with your literary theories again?"

"Always," Professor Kim calls back, and something in the way they smile at each other makes you think of your earlier observations.

"Thank you," you say, already starting to rework your intro paragraph. "That actually helps a lot."

"Any time." He stands, gathering his coffee. "And Y/N?"

You look up, surprised he knows your name.

"Don't worry too much about Professor Lee's assignments. He likes to seem tough in the beginning, but..." He adjusts his glasses with a slight smile. "Let's just say I've heard his Emily Dickinson lectures. Man cries every time."

As he heads back to his table, you turn to Jimin with wide eyes.

"Did that just happen?"

"Yep."

"And did he just..."

"Give you permission to basically write your paper in normal human language? Yep."

"Huh." You look between your laptop and Professor Kim's table, where he's already absorbed back in his grading. "Maybe the dimples aren't so terrifying after all."

"Please stop talking about our professor's dimples."

"I'm just saying—"

"Whatever you're about to say, don't."

Fair enough. You turn back to your laptop, fingers hovering over the keys.

Maybe this assignment won't be so bad after all.

Even if you do kind of want to investigate why Jin keeps stealing glances at Professor Kim's table and thinking he’s being subtle about it.

next | index

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@cannotalwaysbenight @livingformintyoongi @itstoastsworld @jimineepaboya @somehowukook @stuti2904 @chloepiccoliniii @kimnamjoonmiddletoe @annyeongbitch7 @jkrailme @rpwprpwprpwprw

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moni-logues · 5 hours ago

Text

Pairing: Lee Know x reader (afab, she/her)

Genre: 5x1, strangers-to-friends-to-lovers, smut

Summary: You followed Minho home because you had nowhere else to go. Then you kept following... all the way into his heart, but not his bed.

aka five times you and Minho don't fuck and one time you do.

Word count: 13.5k

Content: the gang do some light crime and then some less light crime (nothing specific), references to sex trafficking, reader is 16 in the first section (nothing romantic/sexual happens but there are refs/allusions to it), interrupted foreplay, attempted car sex, fingering, unprotected piv sex, [not actually] unrequited feelings

A/N: reposting this because it's one of the last things i wrote that i actually felt good about i think?? this hasn't been edited since it was originally posted; it seems like AO3 (where I copied this from) may have put in some random extra spaces so... cool..... originally beta'd by @violetsiren90

FIRST

“Why don’t you fuck off?”

The voice came from behind you. It was low and cold and threatening. It was directed at Shindong , the man in front of you, whom you were sure was this close to offering to take you home. You whipped around to see who had uttered it.

Your immediate thought was that he was too short and too slight to be walking up with that level of aggression. Your second thought was interrupted by the spark that shot up your arm when he grabbed your hand. You’d have pulled it back, but his grip was solid and your arm didn’t budge.

“What the fuck do you want, Minho?” your companion replied, all the charm sliding off his face, replaced with a loathing, arrogant sneer.

“I want you to fuck off.”

“She yours? Might want to keep a closer eye on her; she was just about to come home with me.”

The stranger’s hand squeezed yours, so hard it started to hurt. He offered nothing in response.

Both men continued to stare at each other. Shindong had inches on Minho – both height and breadth – and you couldn’t believe your eyes when you saw him hesitating. He flicked his eyes between you and Minho.

“What if I want to fight you for her?”

“What if I told you she’s not legal?”

Shindong hesitated, moved just a fraction backwards, no longer leaning in, looming over the two of you. He rolled his eyes and gave a heartless chuckle.

“Not worth the fucking bother,” he muttered as he walked away.

Minho, still a stranger to you, still holding your hand, who hadn’t even looked your way, pulled you sharply by said hand, storming off and taking you with him. You followed him into one of the warehouse’s many dark corners. He kicked out the couple who were two clothing items shy of a citation for public indecency, and only then did he let you go. Only then did he turn his dark, flaming eyes on you.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” you asked.

Shindong had been your lifeline. What did this guy think he was playing at?

Your vehemence took him off-guard, surprise flashing across his face, until his scowl returned, worse than before. You understood now why he made Shindong hesitate. His gaze was fierce, penetrating, his jaw set, his mouth a taut, grim line. You would never show your hand to anyone, but a cold droplet of fear slithered down your spine. You straightened it, rolled your shoulders back, lifted your head. You wouldn’t let him intimidate you.

“Do you know him?” he asked, voice still low, still threatening.

Not personally. Not until that evening. But people like him came with a reputation that preceded them. A reputation that you were relying upon being based in fact. A reputation that had spread all around your school and beyond, but that you had heard from a source close to the truth. It was close enough that you were able to find him here, in a part of town you’d never been to. It was close enough that you were able to pick Shindong out from this crowd. Close enough that when you approached him and he laughed at you – young, naïve, foolish, all of those things you were sure he thought – you were able to drop his cousin’s name and he suddenly took you seriously. That was what you had been hoping for. A connection was all you needed to keep you covered for a night, at least. Just one would be something.

And then this guy showed up.

“I was about to.”

Minho’s top lip curled, just a fraction, his nose barely wrinkling with the movement, but you got his meaning. Disgust. He could be as disgusted as he liked; that wasn’t your problem. Your problem was that his disgust had led him to chase away your only lead.

Or was he? Was Shindong your only option?

You changed tack. Realised that maybe you had another now. Minho, whoever the fuck he was, had approached you as if he knew you and scared off the competition. That must have been it. Despite the way he glowered at you, absolutely no interest or desire lurking behind his dark eyes, you figured you had nothing left to lose.

You relaxed a little, pouted your lips, played up to the damsel in distress he might have thought you were.

“But if he’s so awful, I guess I can only thank you,” you said, making your voice soft, your eyes a little wider. You lifted your lips in a tiny, shy smile and then put a hand to them, your thumb and index finger tugging a little on your bottom lip, hoping it made you look small, nervous, sweet.

He gave you no reaction. He continued to glare, his stance unchanged, unmoving. So you moved. You stepped towards him: shy, little bird steps, until you were so close that he moved backwards.

“Thanks for looking out for me. Your name’s Minho, right?”

His eyes tightened minutely. He didn’t reply.

“I’d like to thank you properly,” you said, sliding your body into his, pressing just one finger against his chest. You fluttered your lashes up at him.

His face changed immediately. Eyes wide, mouth dropping, and he was stumbling backwards, pressing himself against the wall.

“What the fuck are you doing? What are you, fifteen?”

Embarrassment licked your cheeks like flames and your scowl returned.

“I’m sixteen !”

“Wow, big age. My mistake. By all means, let’s fuck, Sixteen .”

His sarcasm was biting but you hadn’t given yourself up yet.

“Don’t you want to?” you asked, innocently. “You must have sent Shindong away for a reason. If not this, then what?”

He let out a sigh so aggrieved it was almost a shout. He rolled his eyes.

“Jesus Christ, where are your parents?” he asked, but it was muttered, almost under his breath and you didn’t know if you were supposed to answer. You did anyway.

“Dead.”

His lack of reaction grated. He didn’t flinch. There was no surprise, no guilt on his face. He had robbed you of Shindong and now he had robbed you of your fun: getting a reaction out of people as a poor, orphaned, little Annie was as close as you got these days. Then again, he wasn’t a well-meaning aunt or nosy teacher. He knew what this place was; he knew, or at least knew of, Shindong. Maybe your hand-grenade was, here, little more than a snap.

“And this is your great life plan? Offering sexual favours to predators?”

He gestured widely to the room behind you, and you could only assume he did not mean to include himself in that group.

Actually, it was your plan. Kind of… Insofar as you had any sort of plan at all. You would not be telling him that. You kept your mouth shut tight and jaw clenched, refusing to look down, to be the one to break the eye contact.

“You know he’s a fucking bad guy,” he said, more softly than he had said anything so far but the hard edge remained.

“And what are you, my hero ?”

“Absolutely fucking not. I do not want to have anything to do with whatever mess you are making of your life, but I’m not about to let that cunt take off with a child .”

“I am not a child!” you shouted, right in his face.

He took it, impassive, unimpressed even.

“That’s exactly what a child would say.”

You wanted to hit him. You wanted to smash him in his beautifully sharp jaw, or break that perfect, delicate nose of his. You were just about not stupid enough to try. How did he even know you were young? You knew you didn’t look it; you were always getting told you looked older than you were. How did he know? Why did he care?

“Go on then,” you said, darkly. “Leave. If I’m not your fucking problem, why don’t you fuck off?”

He didn’t answer, but he didn’t move.

“Worried I’ll get murdered?”

You lifted your hands to your open mouth, eyes widened, a mockery of fear.

His face and tone were flat when he responded.

“There are things worse than death.”

Then he pushed past you and out of the door.

You took one shaky breath and walked after him before you could talk yourself out of it. You decided that, one way or another, this guy owed you and it was time to collect.

You followed him, not too closely, but not exactly hiding it, for over a mile. You wondered, at one point, if he was trying to lose you, if he was actually heading to his destination or just trying to outlast you. You’d show him. You were a long-distance runner at school; you were extremely confident you could keep up.

So confident, in fact, so determined were you not to lose him, that you were too slow to notice him slowing, to notice him stopping, to very nearly not stop yourself walking into him.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked, not turning to look at you.

“I’m walking here.”

“Stop following me.”

“I’m not following you.”

He raised his eyes skyward. He stood for a moment and you stood, too, waiting for him to continue – walking or talking, you didn’t know which. He finally turned around and looked at you, everything about him a little softer than before. Not soft , but soft er .

“You can’t follow me,” he told you slowly, emphatically. “I am not looking after you. I am not your fath-“

“I don’t have a fucking father.”

He scoffed.

“Yeah, that much is very clear, Sixteen .”

“I’m not sixteen!”

He frowned.

“That’s what you told me.”

“That’s not my fucking name ! Stop saying it like I’m a child. How old are you anyway?”

“Old enough to know better.”

“What does that mean?”

“Go home, Sixteen.”

“I don’t have a home.”

“Well you can’t have mine.”

He turned on his heel and continued walking, a little faster this time, increasing his pace to a jog as he crossed the road. You knew he hoped you wouldn’t be able to follow, that the flashing green man would disappear before you could make it, but you’d been underestimated before.

After another mile or so, you saw him take his phone from his pocket and put it to his ear. You couldn’t quite hear what he was saying but you thought it sounded like Japanese. Was he Japanese ?

It hadn’t missed you, the knowledge that you had no knowledge of this man. You understood that you were, as far as you knew, in as much danger following him home as you had been going with Shindong. But you literally had no other options. It was follow this guy somewhere or wander around on the street all night; it was too cold to stay out. You hadn’t thought beyond that when you’d left your house earlier that day. Hadn’t thought much at all, except about getting out.

Now you were out. Mission accomplished. And you had no idea what to do next.

You almost missed him ducking into a narrow side street, but you caught the door he rushed through just before it shut. He disappeared from view through another door, off to the left of the dingy, dimly lit corridor you found yourself in. You stalked up to it – it wasn’t even fully closed – but something made you hesitate.

Suddenly the fear that you had been suppressing all night raised its head. Was this a lion’s den? A serpents’ nest? Was Minho playing some kind of long game, saving you from Shindong so you would trust him, so you would follow him here, so he could…?

“Are you going to fucking stand out there all night?” you heard a voice call from inside. It had to be Minho’s but you wouldn’t have bet on it.

You fixed your face, your scowl reappearing, and kicked the door open with excessive force.

It was just a bar. Just him, sitting on a stool with a beer in his hand, and one other guy, standing opposite, looking at you with his eyebrows raised in the way a parent does when they catch their child doing something naughty.

“You break that door, I’m going to make you pay for it,” he said, in an accent that you knew wasn’t local.

And, just like a defiant child, you slammed it shut without breaking eye contact. He turned to Minho.

“Thanks, man. You had to bring home a fucking streetrat.”

“I am not a streetrat,” you spat.

“No?” Minho chimed in. “Then where’s your home?”

“Fuck off.”

“I really wish you would.”

You sat down in a booth just off to your left and stared him down.

“She can’t stay here,” the stranger said to Minho, as if you were no longer there.

“I didn’t bring her; she just came .”

He, the newest stranger, looked between you and Minho for several seconds. He was looking at Minho when he spoke again.

“One night. That’s it. And she’s your responsibility.”

He heaved a box full of empty glass bottles into his arms and wandered away, through a different door, mumbling something about ‘strays’.

“Who was that?” you demanded as Minho continued to sip at his beer.

You realised that you hadn’t actually been introduced to him either. And he hadn’t asked for your name. You wondered if he would now.

“None of your fucking business,” he answered, finally moving from the stool to walk behind the bar.

He opened the cash register and took bags from a cubby just below it. He produced a tiny pencil from his pocket and tore off a strip of the receipt roll. He took out the cash and started to count. You watched his lips move silently as he flicked quickly through the notes, pausing to drop a stack onto the bar and write a number down. He picked up the next stack and repeated.

“Don’t even think about it,” he warned, not looking up, not even, apparently, pausing in his counting. “Even if you got your urchin mitts on it, you wouldn’t make it to the door.”

You believed him, but you weren’t planning some kind of move. You didn’t need his money. You were just watching.

You watched until all the notes and all the coins were accounted for, until they had been put into bags and those bags into a box and Minho turned to follow his friend. You stood from your seat and went after him.

There were two doors, you realised. Minho took the left. It led to an office. The other guy must’ve taken the right because the room was empty except for furniture and, in the corner, a safe. Minho dumped the box before it and turned to you.

“Turn around.”

“Worried I’ll crack the code?” you asked with your eyes rolling back in your head.

“Just turn around.”

You did as you were told without a fight because, at that point, there was nowhere else to go. You couldn’t admit defeat and walk out of there; you weren’t sure that Minho wouldn’t make you do just that. It was a knife-edge, being the obnoxious, vile brat that you were. You’d stormed past boundaries before but, well, look where it got you. You were tired and worried enough now to decide you would stop pushing your luck. It had been stretched far enough already.

There was a second of silence before you heard the beeping of the buttons pressed and the shuffling of bags, the clink of coins, the thunk of a bigger, metallic something against the walls of the safe. He didn’t tell you when he was finished, didn’t say you could turn back around. He just walked past you, out of the office, turning the light off as he went. As soon as you were out of the door, he shut and locked it.

You followed him back to the bar and he did the same thing: turned off the lights and held a door for you (not politely, not because he was being nice ), following you through it and locking this one behind him, too. You walked to the end of the corridor and he gestured you down some wooden stairs that creaked as if they would break under your weight. He turned the corridor light off, too, and locked the door at the top of the steps.

This was it. You were locked in. There were at least two locks between you and escape. When Minho shoved past you to the left and opened yet another door, your stomach sank a little further. Three locked doors. He didn’t hold this one for you but he didn’t slam it in your face either, so you rolled your shoulders back, put on your game face and walked through.

You almost regretted it when you saw where it led. It was possibly the worst place you had ever seen. It wasn’t messy, but there was something dirty about the room anyway. Outdoor furniture inside; everything vaguely brown in a way that you didn’t think it had been fresh out of the box; everything tired and worn and sagging; the naked lightbulb dim and humming as it shone; the fridge, scratched and dented and shoved into a corner, also hummed, managing to sound as well as look tired. It was bleak. It was grey. It made you feel like things were crawling on you and you’d only just stepped foot in it.

You half expected your feet to stick to the floor when you took a few steps forward. They didn’t but the carpet was so old and worn that you had no idea what colour it was originally; in places, you could see the floorboards clearly through the threads.

Minho pointed to the sofa.

“There,” was all he said.

Then he disappeared out of the room. You gingerly sat on the edge, wondering if you should be more concerned about your health or your safety. Maybe you were sheltered here, but you pictured a thousand and one diseases squirming on the cushions. It wasn’t fair to, because you could see that it was cleaned . The room wasn’t filthy; there were no crumbs or water rings on the coffee table; there was no rubbish littering the floor; the sink was empty and a stack of plates and bowls stood beside it, washed if not yet dried. Minho was clearly diligent.

Minho and whoever else lived here. There were too many doors leading off this room for him to be here alone.

Your curiosity was stopped in its tracks when he reappeared with a pillow and a towel. He threw the pillow wordlessly at one end of the sofa and then he raised the towel a little.

“I don’t have any blankets. Don’t get cold.”

You scoffed a laugh and were grateful that he ignored it. You weren’t indignant; you weren’t being a brat this time. You were dismayed. You couldn’t believe it. A house with no spare blankets. You were going to sleep under a towel . You glanced around you for a final time, tears pricking in your eyes, fingers at your lips, picking nervously. You weren’t going to die here, you told yourself. Probably. You were probably not going to die here and that was all you needed.

You stood up, turned off the light, tested the door handle (not sure if you wanted it to be locked or unlocked), then returned to the sofa. You took off your shoes, took your bag from your back and hugged it tightly to your chest. You lay in the dark, in a stranger’s horrible house, alone, tired, more vulnerable than you would ever admit. You cried silently, reluctantly grateful for the towel, until you fell asleep.

SECOND

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to everyone! Happy birthday to you!”

You only got one birthday a year. The whole group of you. There wasn’t enough to stretch to everyone getting an individual birthday, an individual cake, a day off. So the middle day of the year, 2 nd July, was chosen and you all had a birthday together.

One cake, one candle each, six people blowing them out. Most unsanitary, but, by now, there wasn’t much you hadn’t shared so a little spit didn’t even register.

You were too drunk by far, which was stupid really. It wasn’t even your first time drinking legally (because your real birthday wasn’t until later in the year), so there was no reason for you to behave as if you had never had a drink before. You should have learnt a little self-control.

But it was your birthdays. So you kept having one more and one more and one more. As did everyone else.

“Nineteen!” Minho called as he fell into the booth next to you.

“I thought I was Sixteen?”

He shrugged.

“You do still act like it.”

You shoved him, almost hard enough to push him off his seat completely. He shoved you back.

“Shut up, Minnie.”

He narrowed his eyes at you, plotting death for using the nickname he loathed above all others, and you sent a simpering smile back at him.

“You’re a little squirt, anyone ever tell you that?”

You rolled your eyes.

“You, literally all the time, because you are for some reason desperate to sound like the oldest grandpa in the room.”

He let out a growling sort of cry, dramatic because he’d also had too much to drink. Then he stood.

“BYE, Sixteen !”

If someone didn’t know the two of you, it would seem as if nothing had changed in the time since you met: both antagonistic, unlikable, as hard as you could make yourselves, forced together and barely tolerating it.

Those who did know you, however, knew that things were very different now. Minho had, reluctantly, taken responsibility for you and, when you had grown up just enough to realise what that had meant, you felt all your hard resolve melt.

They had very little, this ragtag bunch of kids (barely older than you) but they shared everything between them. Never quite enough to go around, money from legitimate enterprises never stretching far enough and having to be supported by money from less than legitimate means. You were a liability. In every sense. The only girl, a stranger, certainly not (at that time) a criminal. But Minho took responsibility and the others let you in.

When you had learnt to see past your own nose, you saw the myriad ways in which they took care of each other. The silent, invisible way Minho cared for his friends. For you. You hadn’t forgotten the sting of electricity you’d felt when he held your hand way back when. Before you’d even seen him, before you knew his name, before any of this. You felt it all the time now. You were a live wire for him.

No one in the group was stupid enough to refer to you as siblings or even joke that you acted like them. Your feelings for Minho were your most closely guarded secret but that didn’t mean everyone didn’t know. You were pretty sure even Minho himself knew. Not that he would ever act on it. He pretended not to notice, you thought. You had pushed close to the edge of being kicked out enough times to know that some things were still precarious. To know that he would never risk his weird family by acknowledging there was anything more than friendship between you. If it even was between you. He had given you very little reason to believe your feelings were reciprocated. So you did your best to ignore them.

They became a fact of life. Like the fact that Minho was the only one Chan trusted to count the cash (not because the others weren’t trustworthy; they just weren’t accurate). Like the fact that Chan had the final say on everything. Like the fact that he would never abuse that authority and act for anything other than the wellbeing of the entire group. It just was.

And it wasn’t like you were stupid enough to pine. You had some pride. Plenty, in fact.

You stood from the booth and sauntered to the bar where your sometime-boyfriend, Johnny, was getting another drink.

“Babe,” you whined, draping yourself over his back, hooking your chin over his shoulder.

“Babe,” he whined back, copying, mocking.

“Entertain me, I’m bored.”

“It’s your party.”

You pouted and forced him to join you on the makeshift dancefloor. You refused to notice that Minho left it as soon as you joined, his face dropping, looking only at Johnny and never once pleased about it.

Chan had cut off the booze supply hours ago and the sun was thinking about raising its head above the horizon, which meant that, far from being wasted and happy and giddy and passing out in your bed, your hangover was already crawling in and you were tired and irritable. Johnny had pissed you off sometime before the booze dried up and then pissed off entirely before you’d begun to sober up, so you’d spent the smallest hours of the morning making your bad mood everyone else’s problem.

Everyone except Minho. Because whilst you were always determined, at these moments, to needle him, to want to get under his skin, to want to scrape it back and spit on it, he was never there. He managed to avoid your venom and, even when he didn’t, seemed immune. He would just slow-blink at you as if he were looking through you and turn away. It boiled your blood and he knew it.

You stomped downstairs to the same shithole basement you’d walked into two years ago. Everyone else had either left or gone to bed already, you thought. You expected it to be empty. It wasn’t.

“Fuck sake, Mouse,” you spat, using your usual nickname, his preferred one (… preferred being too strong a term; it was the one he allowed you to use without retaliation). “Why are you sitting on your own like a fucking loser?”

“You know he treats you like a fucking loser?”

He turned to lean over the back of the sofa, looking tired under his eyes but energetic within them.

“Fuck off,” you returned. “As if you give a shit who I date.”

“Date? That’s what you call it?” He scoffed, deliberately, exaggeratedly, as if you wouldn’t otherwise have recognised his scorn. “He treats you like dirt.”

“You would know.”

He was on his feet and in front of you before you could blink.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

You’d had about enough of it, you decided at that moment. Not enough sleep, too much alcohol, and just enough of this bullshit. You grabbed the front of his T-shirt and pulled him with force towards you. You took him by the back of the neck and kissed him, hard and like you meant it. Because you did. It only took him a second to push you back, hands firm on your shoulders, holding you away from him. His face had lost his usual mask – the blank, passive, flat-eyed one that he used to stare people out with unnatural stillness – but he was still keeping you out; it was guarded, flashes in his eyes being stamped out with every blink, his jaw held tight and his mouth shut.

“ That’s what I fucking mean, Minho ,” you hissed.

“How dare you?” he hissed back, voice so low in his throat you almost couldn’t hear it. “You have no fucking idea.”

His blinks weren’t quick enough this time to hide all the anger burning in his eyes.

“No idea of what? What ?!”

His lip curled and he let you go. He let his guard down around you more than he should have: shrugged you off and turned his back on you. You took both palms and pushed him. He tumbled forward, catching his foot on a side table, pulling it down with him as he hit the floor. Cat-like in his reflexes, he was on his feet before the table had stopped rocking. He charged straight at you and continued until you were pressed up against the door, until he was pressed up against you.

“You want a kiss?” he asked and every part of you should have been screaming yes, because you did.

You did want a kiss, but nothing about this was how you wanted it. It was a threat, not an offer. You’d been threatened with worse. You jutted your chin out a little, always standing up, never backing down.

“You going to give me one?”

His eyes flicked towards your lips, hovered there a second, like he was really thinking about it. They stayed there a little longer and doubt was picking up speed on its race to your consciousness. You thought he wouldn’t. You thought he would. You still couldn’t predict his behaviour. You thought you had him pinned and then he flipped you. You always thought you had him on the ropes, but you never really did.

You were impatient, tiring of this, doubt and insecurity and embarrassment swelling up inside you and you opened your mouth to tell him to go away, to fuck off and die, to do something vile to himself. It was at that moment that his eyes met yours again, for a split second that sent a streak of ice through your blood, and then his mouth was on yours.

You had never once looked a gift horse in the mouth, but even if you had wanted to, even if you had decided before he did it that you would push him off, return his rejection, you couldn’t possibly have done it now. His lips were soft, his hands still tight around your arms. He crowded you further against the door, your bodies pressing together as he swiped his tongue against your bottom lip, asking for entry. You gave it to him. Your hands snaked up his chest and into his hair; it was softer than you’d expected, silky. For a moment, you were disarmed by it. Soft. He never let his softness show if he could help it. Only rarely. Only when he felt safe enough to let his guard down did it ever come creeping out from its hiding place. But here it was, sprouting from the top of his head. Here it was, pressed against your lips, brushing your tongue. You felt weak at the knees.

As far as kisses go, it was the best you’d had. Fire and ice fighting: goosebumps erupting on your skin as it flushed hot, making you shiver. His mouth was warm and wet and sweet and you were desperate for more, knowing that he was kissing you just right and that you weren’t doing the same. You were too eager, too greedy, too needy. This wouldn’t be enough. Couldn’t be enough. Just his lips on yours, his tongue rolling with yours, his hands still pinning your sides. You couldn’t stop here. You had to have him. All.

You whined when he pulled back, when his grip on you loosened, and you opened your eyes expecting his to be soft and liquid, to be those sweet, round boba eyes he didn’t show enough of.

They were hard and flat. He moved away from you in one, long step and back was that impassive blankness he loved so much.

“Happy fucking birthday,” he said.

He stalked off to his bedroom and shut the door.

You stayed, glued to the front door, shaking. With anger, probably. With embarrassment, maybe. With something akin to heartbreak, but you would never admit it. The roaring in your ears, the screaming of invective at both yourself and Minho in your head so loud that you didn’t hear the sound of a key in the lock, weren’t aware that someone was trying to get in until they were shoving at the door, pushing you with it.

“What the fuck?” came a quiet whine from the other side of it as he slowly pushed you away and got the door open. “Why were you trying to keep me out?”

Jisung’s hamster cheeks were full of kimbap, the other half of the roll still in his hand, and his eyes were wide with that cute, pitiful look he carried off so perfectly.

You ignored him. You stomped into your bedroom and slammed the door as hard as you could.

THIRD

Despite having your own bedroom (graciously offered up by Changbin and very ungraciously accepted by you), privacy in the small basement flat was an issue. Which is why you were huddled in the farthest corner of it, fists stuffed in your mouth, crying as quietly as you could in the dead of night.

You lived with five men, but you had not yet found someone to date who would take the threat of them seriously. They did make threats, on occasion, when they had to. Because you had not yet found a man who could treat you as anything more than shit but you had, apparently, found the least bothered and most unfazed men in the city. The one before last had barely flinched when all five of them had battered down his door to come for you, when you had finally managed to get a message out that he was keeping you there.

You never found out what happened to him. You didn’t ask and no one told you.

This one hadn’t been that bad. That was the problem. You had thought he was nice. You had thought (as you had so many times before) that he might actually be the first to treat you right.

You were wrong. So, you were crying in the corner of your room. You didn’t always cry. In fact, you didn’t often cry. Rarely, even. It meant that, when you did, the floodgates opened and you found it hard to stop. You found it almost impossible to breathe, desperately snatching air between sobs. Your head was already pounding, your face aching. It was total and complete the way it overtook you. So much so that you didn’t notice the presence of another person until they sat down beside you.

You gasped, as much as you could amongst your shaking, shallow breaths, and were only slightly comforted that it was him . He said nothing. He pulled you towards him and held you like that until the storm had passed.

You continued to sit in silence as your tears dried on your face, as your heartrate settled and your breathing became even. He didn’t make a move to let you go and you didn’t make one either. You were tired. You were sad. You were, though you wouldn’t admit it, a little bit heartbroken. This bit of comfort was exactly what you wanted.

You didn’t want him to say anything. You didn’t want to hear it. That you’d done it again. That you’d never learn. That, somehow, you were gullible and easy to fool despite the fact that you had been hardening yourself against vulnerability of every kind since you were a child. That men just found a way to get beyond your defences—that bad men found a way. The good ones didn’t find you at all.

“His loss,” was what he said.

You lifted your head, tears still clinging to your lashes, drying on your cheeks. He had that look on his face that he saved for you: the soft, sweet one he gave you when you’d earnt it or when you needed it. The one that made your insides curdle, that even now made your heart skip a beat, that you wanted to fall into forever, that had sealed your fate so many years ago now. He blinked slowly at you, cat-like as always, and brushed your hair from your face.

You opened your mouth to speak but nothing came. Your voice was trapped in your throat because he was still looking at you like that but his eyes kept flicking down, then back up, then down again at longer and longer intervals until he closed them completely and brought his lips to yours.

You didn’t have to think twice. Didn’t have to think at all. Your body did the thinking for you. Your hands pushed into his hair and your legs pushed you up so you could slot them down either side of his hips. His hands found your waist and then the soft skin on the other side of your t-shirt.

This was nothing like the first time. You remembered it all too well: the electricity, the anger, the volcano of feelings you’d tried to suppress rumbling and threatening to erupt, to blow the lid off the equilibrium you’d found. The hunger, the desperation, your own neediness spoiling it all.

You weren’t desperate anymore, for his approval, for his love, for whatever he would give you. You wanted it all, would lay yourself on the floor and kiss his feet if he asked, with no hesitation, but you always knew he wouldn’t ask. You’d got used to that.

Except now he was kissing you – he had kissed you – and his hands were squeezing at your waist and it was slow. Controlled. Deliberate. There was nothing accidental about the way his tongue rolled over yours, the way his teeth bit at your bottom lip, the way his hands pulled you lower on his lap, pulled you closer to him until there wasn’t so much as a breath of air between you.

“Mouse,” you murmured, quietly into his mouth.

He shook his head minutely, a tiny hum swallowed by you when he pressed your lips together again. No talking. Fine. You didn’t need to talk. If he kept kissing you, kept touching you, you wouldn’t need to utter another word again. But you couldn’t stop the little gasp when he sank his teeth into the sensitive skin of your neck, the moan rising in your throat when he ran his tongue over the same spot, hurting then soothing. Like always.

It made your brain turn fuzzy, static wavering in your mind, as all your conscious thoughts turned to liquid, melting into Minho’s mouth, swallowed down by him, eaten whole.

Then the front door slammed hard.

“Guys!” Chan shouted, in a way that he never did.

You heard him pounding on doors, opening them, starting with Changbin and Hyunjin’s on the right.

You sprang apart like two north magnets, instinctively repelled by one another, just in time for Chan to burst through the door and scan the room for you, too wired, too stressed to register that it might have been weird for you to be sitting on the floor like you were, certainly not noticing your kiss-bitten lips or heavy breathing or the way Minho’s hair was ruffled like it had just had a fist in it.

“We’ve got to go,” Chan announced. “Like, right fucking now.”

FOURTH

No one wanted to up the ante. No one wanted to start getting involved with the organised crime lot. Your crime was… disorganised. It was local. It was just you doing the things you needed to, skirting around the law to survive. It wasn’t really crime, not if you squinted hard enough. Then the police raided the bar (which was illegal in pretty much every way that mattered) and you had nowhere left to go.

There was just enough of the trust your parents left you (which you got access to at 21) to secure a new apartment (one that was not underground) and a small buy-in with a group of much larger, older, more experienced criminals. There was very little else you could’ve done at that point. Or so you all told yourselves.

The apartment was an upgrade in every way but size. It was newer and above-ground which meant it stayed warm and didn’t get damp. It had windows which let the sun in. It had enough room for two sofas so everyone could sit comfortably. It had a gas hob which really only Chan and Minho cared about, but they cared a lot. It had two bathrooms with reliably hot water and good pressure. It did not get power cuts. It did not always smell musty. It was not brown and beige and grey. But it did have fewer rooms to be parcelled out between you all.

The last one had four rooms that served as bedrooms. This had three. Between six. There had been furious arguments and endless straw-pulling and no one was happy with the results. It took a few weeks but eventually things shook out as they always should have.

You shared with Minho because he was the only one who was willing. You both had reputations for being scary (in totally opposite ways: you the raging bull to his still, fathomless water); you loved to take your bad moods out on one another; he was the only one you ever willingly let see you when you were sad and small and vulnerable. Besides which, no one else would dare try to take the space at your side from him. So you shared a bedroom: two twin beds on opposite sides of the room, because Minho refused to sleep in a bunk bed and you refused to sleep together in a double. There was little room for anything else.

You complained about the sleeping arrangements almost daily. You loved the hot water and the sunlight and the not-mouldiness of the apartment, but some days, you couldn’t bear the way you couldn’t get away from Minho.

You’d thought you had it bad. This was even worse.

Four days. Four days, so far, staying ( squatting ) in a vile, empty, dilapidated villa apartment, staring out of a window, waiting for something to happen. Just you and Minho and one room. For four days and counting.

It was Minho’s turn to watch and he sat at the monitor, diligent, hard-working, as always, whilst you were supposed to be catching up on sleep. Instead, you were lying on what passed for a bed, tossing an apple into the air and catching it, over and over and-

“You going to stop that?” Minho asked, with his trademark tone: both light and threatening.

“Nope!”

“Want me to make you?”

You flicked your eyes over to him: he was studying the monitor seriously, but you were sure he had been looking at you.

You hadn’t spoken about that night. Partly because you hadn’t had the time. You’d jumped up from the floor of your bedroom, grabbed as much stuff as you could fit in the first bag you could find and the six of you had legged it, making it out just in time to watch the police cars roll up and trash the place.

“There was so much fucking money in that safe,” Chan had said, plaintively, staring at the sky. That was when you’d offered up yours.

You had had to find somewhere to live, and fast. You’d all had to find jobs, something to do, some way to make money that wasn’t connected to the bar. You had been passing like ships in the night, meeting only to argue about shower time and sleeping arrangements. Then Changbin had come home with a suggestion. You’d argued about that, too, but in the end, it was unanimous. Go in with the bigger boys or – well, there was no ‘or’. That was the point.

So you and Minho were working recon. You’d pulled the short straw in more ways than one. It was the longest you had spent together. Ever. Confined for days in this space.

On the first day, he refused to talk to you at all.

On the second, you made everything into an argument because at least you could get a rise out of him.

On the third, he had seemed to thaw. Something had softened and you talked, like friends, like you used to. You laughed and joked and it wasn’t so bad.

Now it was the fourth day and that ice had returned. He had frozen over, doubled-down on silence. No sooner had you had warmed up than he was giving you frostbite, chilblains. Whiplash. Those ten words were the first he’d spoken to you all day.

“No,” you answered. “I don’t want you to make me.”

You paused, wondering if the words you were considering were a sign that you were going mad, that being cooped up in this space had sent you a little doolally. The unbearable nothingness of your days passing like sludge forcing all those hidden thoughts forward, with nothing to distract you from them. The words were certainly risky, but Minho had shown his hand. He had kissed you. Like he meant it. And you knew he would’ve continued to kiss you had Chan not interrupted. He’d have continued to do a whole lot more than just kiss you.

And you were bored.

“I want you to fuck me,” you said plainly, catching the apple in front of your face and turning to look at him.

He was still studying the monitor. Nothing on his face gave anything away: surprise, disgust, lust, laughter. Nothing. You were used to that.

“We’re on a job.”

“Yeah, and it’s boring and nothing is happening and who fucking cares? I would rather have sex.”

He sighed and rolled his head to look at you.

“Really, Sixteen? Now is the time you want to bring this up?”

“Stop calling me Sixteen.”

“I always call you Sixteen.”

“You always call me Sixteen when you want to put me in my place or make me feel like a child. I’m not a fucking child anymore.”

“I know you aren’t.”

“Then why won’t you fuck me?”

He laughed and your blood began to simmer.

“There’s more that I look for than just ‘is not a child’.”

“Don’t try to act like you don’t want to.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to.”

“Well then, shall we?”

He smirked and the glint in his eye was new to you.

“We’re on a job.”

“Stop saying that!” you cried, stalking the three steps from your side of the room to his.

You manoeuvred yourself into his lap, blocking the monitor from his view, and took his face in your hands.

“We’re on a job and nothing is happening and nothing will continue to happen for ages yet, so why don’t we make it a little less fucking boring?”

You knew he wanted to. Could see his pupils dilate. Watched his eyes flick to your lips and your chest and back up. This might have been all he wanted: sex and nothing more. You didn’t know. Weren’t interested in having that conversation. Were convinced that it didn’t matter either way. If he only wanted sex, you would give it. Give it until it was too late and he was in too deep to come back out. Hadn’t worked before but there was a first time for everything.

But even that was beside the point. You were desperately bored and bored of being desperate for him and there was one stone that would kill both those birds.

“Mouse,” you said quietly, keeping your voice low, as you placed a kiss on his jaw, as you spread your knees a little wider, sinking lower into his lap. “Come on.”

His hands were on your thighs, neither encouraging nor discouraging, just holding tight. He didn’t respond as you continued to press kisses to his face, to his neck, grinding your hips over him slowly. You could feel his pulse beat fast, noticed the way his breathing was getting heavier, his fingers dipping deeper into your skin, until it hurt. Until he stopped pretending he was going to continue to work, stopped pretending that he could resist you.

“Fuck,” he gasped, his voice hoarse.

He gripped the hair at the back of your head and pulled you from his neck, tumbling you both to the floor. You didn’t want it to be fast, but you’d take it any way he’d give it. So when his hands pulled at your t-shirt, you let him take it off as you unclasped your bra. He didn’t give you time to fumble with the hem of his top, to discard it for him; he dipped his head straight down, swirling your nipple with his tongue, sucking it into his mouth; he rested his weight on one elbow and his other hand descended. You were grateful you had no buttons, no zips to contend with, just the loose, elasticated band of a pair of leggings that had seen better days. Minho’s fingers slipped beneath it and he circled his fingers around your clit, the fabric of your underwear dulling the sensation only slightly.

This was moving even faster than you’d expected but you’d been waiting so long already. Blood rushed to the surface of your skin and your breath began to shudder. Underwear now pushed to the side, you gasped when Minho ran a finger through your folds, shivered when he moaned at what he found there. He brought his lips back to yours but you turned away to let his name drop from your open mouth.

“Mouse...”

“Shut up,” he said firmly as he sank two fingers into your slick cunt and stole your breath with another kiss.

You couldn’t talk but you could moan. Could whine. Could whimper as his fingers moved inside you, as he ground his palm against your clit, as he made your thighs twitch and walls spasm. You tried not to lose your mind completely, to stay grounded, to stay present now that this was finally, really, actually happening. You reached your own hands down to Minho’s trousers; he hadn’t got the no-buttons, no-zips memo and your fingers fumbled with both. They shook with adrenalin as you popped the button through the hole and dragged the metal zip down. You pushed them away from you, off his hips, and had one hand in his boxers when the crackle of the walkie-talkie cut through Minho’s moan.

You both froze.

“Minho? What’s happening? Chan said they’re on the move?”

You glanced at each other, for one more frozen second, and then the world lurched into overdrive. Minho clambered to the monitor with his trousers around his ankles and, as soon as he saw the screen, started swearing viciously, tugging at his clothes and throwing your t-shirt back at you.

“What’s happening?” you asked, breathless for all the wrong reasons now.

“They’re clearing out,” Minho reported into the walkie-talkie, ignoring you but answering your question anyway. “Two loads have left, a third on its way.”

“Shit! How did you miss it? What the fuck were you doing?”

“Nothing! We lost the feed for a minute but it came back quickly and then they were already moving.”

He shot you a glance, something between panicked plea and angry admonishment. It wasn’t often he was caught on the hop, wasn’t ever. You, however, were used to being on the wrong side of things, so you re-dressed quickly and had already started packing your shit up. No matter how sideways this went, you could take two positives from it. One, you wouldn’t have to stay locked up here with Minho any longer. Two, he definitely, definitely wanted to fuck you.

FIFTH

You still hadn’t talked about it. You continued to share a bedroom, sleep there every night, wake there every morning but you had not once discussed the twice now that you had almost had sex. You were waiting for him to bring it up, even though you knew he never would. He wasn’t a coward, not ever, but if there was one word to describe him it was loyal and you knew he would protect your group with his life. And that also meant not pursuing whatever it was that was between you. Because it was a risk. It could jeopardise the stability of what you had established—what Chan had established long before you ever came into the picture.

But you were digging your heels in this time. You’d already come on too strong. Your pride was being wounded with each day that passed, with each day that he continued to pass you up. You’d crack first. You knew you would. You always did. Minho was unbreakable. You weren’t. But you wanted to pretend, for at least a little while, that you could be. That you could be impenetrable, too.

“Shit shit shit shit shit,” Junho repeated as he slammed into the car, instructing Minho to drive before the door was even shut.

Minho didn’t need telling twice.

“Where to?”

“Safe house,” he gasped, ragged breathing setting your teeth on edge.

You didn’t ask what had happened. What had gone wrong. That didn’t matter as much as getting out. Getting Junho out. You were disposable, still. You knew that. Even Minho. You were runts; you also still had something to make up for given what happened on your last assignment. So you travelled in silence. Junho in the back, breathing heavily; you didn’t turn around to see if he was ok. You didn’t want to know. You assumed he wasn’t but as long as you could hear him breathing, you knew he was alive.

Minho was facing forward, eyes scanning the roads ahead, reflexes allowing him to run red lights without accident – in this part of the city, no one would stop a flashy car like this for speeding, for driving recklessly. That was what they all did. His jaw was tense, eyes tight. He looked calm but you could see his little legs kicking under the water. You knew him well enough by now.

You didn’t keep your eyes on the road. You kept them on him. Felt like someone needed to be watching out for him, too – not that there was anything you could have done to be helpful anyway. There were always two in the getaway car. That was the rule and you didn’t ask why because you didn’t want to know the answer.

As a teen, you had thought you knew everything. You were old enough now to know not only that you knew nothing but also that you preferred it that way. Need to know basis. For everything. All the time.

Minho slowed, driving more carefully as the car left the city, winding across hills, negotiating turns that you’d have driven straight over, plummeting you all to a miserable death. He turned the headlights off at the mile marker he’d been told about, one that you’d already forgotten, and crawled, slower still, up to the house, blanketed in darkness, hidden by an overgrown and untended garden.

Junho grunted.

“Thanks. Wait until I give the signal then get the fuck out of here. Do not go anywhere you’ve ever met with us. Ditch the car when you can; destroy the plates.”

He didn’t wait for a response. You watched him stagger away and then waited until the light in the top right room flicked on and off and on and off again.

Minho put the car in reverse and slowly backed out. At a further mile marker, he turned the lights on. He continued to climb, driving away from the city still, until the car reached the top of the hill. The lights from the city were so bright you almost didn’t need the headlights at all. It didn’t feel a safe place to stop. Too visible.

Then Minho slowly and quietly backed the car into nook on the hillside. No doubt worn away from years of cars trying to pass each other on the narrow road, it barely contained the car, but it put it in some shadow and no one would hit you.

He turned the engine off and let his hands fall to his lap. His head tipped back against the headrest and he sighed.

“You ok?”

You asked him all the time and he never gave a serious answer because he always was. And if he wasn’t, he certainly wasn’t going to talk about it. But you asked all the same.

He nodded then turned to you.

“You?”

You laughed nervously, suddenly feeling the last twenty minutes as the adrenalin began to drain.

“Kind of feel like I could hurl.”

He laughed too and nodded again.

“I feel like I want to sleep for a thousand years but also like I could run a marathon,” you continued.

“I feel half-dead already but also fucking invincible.”

He held his hand out and it trembled. You clasped it between yours and held it tight. He smiled; from where you were sitting, it looked like a smirk, but then he turned more fully towards you and it wasn’t. It was sweet. His eyes were gleaming. Your mouth dried.

“Half-dead, huh?” And you knew you were going to say it. You always knew you would be the one with which it would raise its head. “How about a little dead? A little death , even?”

“Sixteen…”

His voice had that warning tone to it but the gleam in his eyes remained and you’d broken the seal now. Were going to push this as far as he’d let you.

“Mouse…”

You saw him waver. Absolutely, definitely, were certain that he was considering it. Until a car came over the crest of the hill and its headlights flashed in at you; at the same moment, Minho’s phone buzzed from the cup holder it had been thrown in. You jumped. He jumped. Whatever moment there had been was gone now.

Minho took his hand from your grasp and checked his phone. Then he put the car in gear.

“We’ve got to get out of here.”

You expected it to be quick. Expected it to be simple. It turned out to be neither. You had managed to destroy the plates and were very near clear of the car you’d now abandoned when you, once again, found trouble (‘why did it always have to be you?’ you had asked yourself fleetingly as Minho shoved you towards your own piece of shit car that had been waiting for your getaway; he had not waited for you to be fully seated or your door to be closed before he slammed a foot on the accelerator and squealed off). The two of you were screaming around corners, tearing out of the city in whichever direction provided the easiest escape. With the headlights off and the city lights streaming into the distance, you could barely see the road in front of you, had no idea how Minho was still driving straight. You trusted him with your life and it was just as well, because it was in his hands. His, yours, and potentially everyone else’s, too.

The summer sun was minutes away from popping its head above the horizon when you were finally able to return home.

You sat in silence for a few moments. You had moved beyond exhaustion into this kind of frayed, wired alertness. You felt your eyelids dropping even as your heart still hammered. Minho’s hand found yours.

“Mouse,” you said, letting the rest of it fall away unspoken.

“Yeah,” he replied but you didn’t know if that was his answer . “Just give me a minute.”

You were too tired to argue so you let silence fall again. You were almost dropping off, head just beginning to nod, when he tugged on your hand.

“Come here.”

You turned. You leant. His other hand cupped the back of your head and pulled you closer. He kissed you. Electricity crackled and a surge of energy rushed through you. It was happening again. He was kissing you. You couldn’t let this time pass by.

You scrambled in your chair, forgetting to undo your seatbelt, being pulled back by it and swearing coarsely when your lips broke from his. You clambered over the gearstick and the handbrake and fell with one foot heavily in the footwell as Minho slid his seat all the way back. You didn’t have time to care about the jarring in your knee or the bump on your head as it hit the roof. Could barely feel it. Didn’t matter.

Well, it didn’t matter until it did. Until there wasn’t really room enough for you to straddle him. Until you were pressing yourself up against the roof so there would be room for him to get his hands to his belt. Until you lost your balance and fell backwards, landing with bump on the steering wheel, which blared out into the dark dawn street.

“Fucking hell,” Minho muttered. “Get in the back.”

More willingly than you ever had, you did as you were told. He moved his seat forward again, all the way, and you watched him climb through to you, hands reaching for him. It was no less awkward. Not enough room to lie down. Still not enough height to sit. Not space enough between the back and front to kneel. It was messy and uncoordinated, grabbing for anything, taking what you could get, knocking into the window and falling off the seat, kicking and elbowing each other in a tangle.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Minho roared, in an uncharacteristic display of frustration. “No use. Not happening.”

He sat back and sighed, trousers undone but still around his hips. He pushed his hands through his hair and you tried to settle demurely next to him, smoothing your own hair, zipping up your jeans, swallowing hard as you fought to accept that he was right. It was not happening. Not here. Not now.

You stared through the car window and were sure you could’ve punched straight through it. You wanted to. It was the window, Minho, or yourself. Couldn’t effectively punch yourself. Knew you wouldn’t dare hit your mouse. Your fingernails pressed sharply into your palm as you squeezed your fists tightly.

A hand covered yours. Gentle. You looked at Minho and there he was: your secret, soft guy. You unfurled your fingers and he linked them with his own.

“Come on,” he said quietly. “Let’s just go home.”

FIRST

You tramped into the apartment, bringing your bad mood with you. Everyone was sick of it by now – you were sick of it, but you couldn’t shake it.

Minho was avoiding you. That much was clear. He had been avoiding you since you tried and failed to fuck in the car. You didn’t know why because you didn’t care. You had reached the end of your tether with the universe. Three times now. But still no cigar. You wondered – asked yourself a hundred times a day – what it was going to take to make this happen.

Frustrated didn’t even begin to cover it. You could go out and hook up with whoever you liked. You could get yourself off just fine. But it ran so much deeper than that. If you pulled at the thread, it tugged on your heartstrings, all tangled up in knots. It hurt. It pulled at something so deeply interwoven with your very being; all anyone had to do was follow it to its source and they could destroy you. All anyone had to do was cut it and they’d cut you, too.

You didn’t like that. Hated it, in fact. Hated that all this tugging and wiggling had opened up a hole and you could feel your vulnerability exposed. You could feel weakness leaking out of you, seeping from your pores, visible to the naked eye, for anyone to see.

It made you bitter. Made you angry. Made you lash out even when you shouldn’t have. Because you were always on the defensive. Even now. Especially now.

You knew the others were talking about you. About Minho. About the two of you. Knew it from the awkward silences when you walked in a room and the furtive glances and the group chat that had grown curiously quiet, leaving you to assume that there was a separate one you weren’t a part of.

You were beginning to lose your patience and you were not starting with a plentiful supply.

You lay on your bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to calm your rage. You had woken with it, just like every other day this week, and it would not leave you. You breathed slowly and carefully and tried to think of difficult and boring things.

You thought only of Minho.

Then he opened the door. He hesitated – you could feel him standing there, assessing – and then shut it, leaving you alone. As the door clicked, you felt that tug. You felt the knots tighten, so impossibly tight now that the joins weren’t even visible. You jumped up and threw yourself through the door.

“Stop fucking ignoring me!”

You hadn’t meant to shout.

Minho turned and looked at you. His stillness enraged you further. He didn’t say anything.

“Are you going to fucking say anything?!”

“What do you want me to say?”

“ANYTHING! You haven’t spoken to me for weeks! You literally walk out of rooms if I’m in them! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“You think this is easy?”

His voice was cold and sharp as steel. His head cocked lightly to the side and his eyes narrowed, peering at you, looking inside you.

“You think I want it to be like this?-”

“I don’t know what you fucking want!”

His nostrils flared. This delighted you. He was annoyed and you loved it.

“Not once,” you continued, still shouting because you couldn’t rein it in, “have you ever fucking told me. Not once have you ever actually said what you want! That you want me. Do you? Fucking do you? Because I don’t fucking know anymore! Every time we get close, you get further away from me! I’m not a fucking yo-yo, Minho. You can’t play with me-”

“Play with you? You think I’m playing? What part of this is a game?”

His voice was rising now, too, his perfectly blank mask slipping.

“It’s never been a game, Sixteen! Not once in the entire time since we met has it been a game! How are you still not getting it? Junho almost fucking died and if he had, it would have been our fault! We all almost ended up in prison because of the fucking bar. The night we met you almost got yourself trafficked! It’s not a game! You act like life is so fucking simple! It’s not!”

“IT IS! It can be that fucking simple! Stop overthinking! Stop taking everything so fucking seriously!-”

“It is serious! That’s what you don’t get!”

He was close now, had been inching closer and closer, and he was looking down at you, his eyes black as pitch, his jaw tight, his breath struggling through clenched teeth.

“You don’t get it and you never have.”

His voice was quiet, back to that steel that sent a chill down your spine.

“Everywhere you go, I look out for you. Everywhere you are, I am responsible for you. It’s been nine fucking years, Sixteen, and you are everywhere I go.”

Your vision tunnelled, stomach fell to your feet. You had to look away and hated yourself for it. You never flinched. You never backed down. You were never the first to retreat. Except for him. You couldn’t bear to look in his eyes, to see what loathing and disdain they held for you. Your embarrassment was on your cheeks already and pricking in your eyes.

Then his nose nudged yours and he took more steps forward. He pushed you slowly against the wall and you cursed yourself for retreating to it.

“You are in my life and in my bedroom and in my fucking head,” he whispered. “All the time. All the fucking time. And I haven’t been able to do shit about it because you are my job . You are mine to protect. Everyone knows it. Everyone knows I would burn this place to the ground for you. I would scorch the earth. I would drain the sea. For you . Don’t you get it? When it comes to you, I’m a fucking liability.”

You risked it. A glance. Lifted your eyes for less than a second but you had to do it again. Had to stop there, be sure you were really seeing what you thought you were.

Soft, round, liquid eyes. An openness in his face that he hadn’t let you into before. His mouth was still a grim line, turned down at the corners so slightly, had it been anyone but you, it would have gone unnoticed.

“Mouse...”

You tried to whisper but could barely manage that, his name creeping out on a hoarse gasp.

He moved his face closer to yours, lips almost touching.

“Don’t you get it?” he repeated.

You got it. Because everything he said was true for you, too. You’d started out as a liability, for sure, but you had continued to be one because Minho was your north star. Not Chan. Not the group. Not whatever sense of purpose you might have derived from the life you had cobbled together. If he said jump, you wouldn’t ask a thing. You would jump. You’d been following him since day one and, then, it might have been desperation, a lack of options. Now... well, there was still desperation: a desperate need for him, a desperate desire to be wanted by him, kissed by him, touched by him. You had other options. Options you would never take, not as long as he existed. You would stop existing before you ever thought of leaving him.

You nodded, feeling more like a foolish, vulnerable 16-year-old than you had when you were foolish and vulnerable and 16.

He sighed, breath sweet with the pudding he could never resist, and you were closing your eyes, tilting your chin up, expecting him to give in.

He turned away. You watched him, mouth agape in disbelief, as he pushed his hands through his hair.

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” you screamed, bringing your hands down on his back in something that was half-shove, half-slap.

He had whipped around before you could lower your arms and you found your wrists caught in his hands.

“You don’t fucking stop, do you?” he hissed.

“Why would I stop?! I don’t want to stop, Minho! And nor do you! You can’t say you don’t! Because I KNOW. I KNOW you want it. I know you want me. And I’m fucking throwing myself at you. Take me! TAKE ME!”

His eyes were hard and dark. His fingers pushed so tightly into your wrists that you could feel your pulse against them. He was breathing heavily, nostrils flaring but lips shut tight, pressed together in a thin line.

“Take. Me,” you repeated, level and firm, not sure if he would, but sure that, if he didn’t, things would never be the same again.

You couldn’t do this a fourth time. Couldn’t put yourself in his hands, have him take you, and then... Not. And then stop. And then act as if you didn’t exist. That thread between you, tied up in your heartstrings, was taut, stretched, at its limit. And so were you.

The pause was painful. Excruciatingly long. Adrenalin coursed through you, making you hot, making you shake, making your heart beat so hard against your ribs you thought they might break. Thought your heart might break. Hadn’t been willing to admit how fragile it was but it felt like venetian glass now. You could already feel the cracks forming, the web extending, the shards-

He kissed you. Pulled you roughly towards him by your wrists and kissed you. Put his hands on your hips, then slid them under your top, and still kissed you. He was kissing you. It took a few seconds to slip back into your body, to feel it, the soft petal of his lips against yours, the sharp bite of his teeth, the wet warmth of his tongue. You forgot your shattering heart and grabbed his T-shirt, using it to pull him closer, to drag him into your shared bedroom.

Not that he needed dragging. You stumbled over each other’s feet as you tried to kiss and walk and grope all at once. You tumbled backwards onto his bed and took the brief separation as an opportunity to lose your top, to unclasp your bra. Your hands were in the waistband of your joggers when Minho climbed over you, topless now too, breathless as he mirrored your actions, pushing his trousers and his boxers over his hips. He huffed a frustrated sigh as you giggled, as he stood back up to take them all the way off, to kick them off his ankles and take yours away, too.

He didn’t give you time for admiration, for appraisal. He lay his body over you and his lips pressed against yours, quickly, firmly, before trailing them across your jaw and down your neck. He was every bit as vicious as you thought he would be, teeth nipping at your sensitive skin, sinking into your soft flesh. You wanted him to mark you, wanted the proof of it to last. You scraped your nails down his back and he hissed when you broke the skin. Hissed but didn’t complain. Hissed and moved his mouth lower, swirling his tongue around your nipple, sinking his teeth into that, too.

When you tugged on his hair, he pulled off, looked at you, his face an open question. You shook your head.

“It’s fine,” you panted. “I like it. I just want to pull your hair.”

He laughed and clamped his teeth over your breast again, harder this time, so you keened and your back arched into him. You twisted his roots in your fist and he moaned, eyes flicking up to yours as he kissed across the valley of your chest.

“Do that again.”

“Fuck,” you gasped, tipping your head back, doing as he had asked and tugging hard.

The ache you felt for him had ballooned inside you, taken up all your hollow spaces. There was your flushed skin and your fluttering heart, your rushing blood and your deep, persistent ache for Minho. Nothing more. Nothing less.

“Mouse,” you whispered, voice tight with desire. “Touch me, please.”

You never asked. You didn’t beg. If you liked a guy, you let them do what they wanted with you, and if you didn’t, you took what you wanted. It was always one-sided.

But this wasn’t. It was Minho. It was the fathomless depth in his eyes as he lay his mouth all over you. It was the slip of his fingers through your soaked folds as he sucked sweet bruises against your neck. It was the sound of a moan caught in his throat when you wrapped your fingers around his hard, leaking length. It was mutual. It was reciprocated.

It was burning you up, hotter and sweeter than you’d ever felt before. His fingers sinking into your core made you shudder with delight. The twitch in his cock as you brushed your thumb over his head made your mouth water. The sound of his mumbled sweet nothings pressed against your skin, whispered in your ear, licked straight into your mouth, made you dizzy.

“So soft,” he said. “So wet... Fuck, you’re so fucking beautiful... I’ve wanted this for so long... Wanted you...”

He used your name, your real one, the one he didn’t learn (didn’t ask for) for months after you met. You returned the favour, ‘Minho’ tripping from your lips, until he shook his head.

“Mouse,” he murmured, mouth still pressed against yours. “‘Mouse’ is yours.”

“Mouse,” you echoed and he nodded before kissing you so that you could say nothing at all.

You barely spoke, couldn’t catch your breath enough to form the words, couldn’t engage your faculties to find any to say. Minho spoke, though, more than you had ever heard him speak: praise and exclamation and remembrance and, yes, even admonition, but it was all so sweet, syrupy, dripping from his tongue like honey. You’d never heard him speak like this before, never had him melt in your hands or in your mouth, never felt him as easy and pliable as this.

It wasn’t just his body. It wasn’t just the perfect smoothness of his warm, soft skin. It wasn’t just the stretch, the fullness, he made inside you, the insistent rhythm of his hips thrusting his cock tightly into your slick, waiting warmth. It wasn’t just his wet, sugary mouth, at your lips, at your jaw, at your clavicle. It wasn’t just all these things he was doing to you, all the things you were doing to him.

It was his open eyes, round and shining and fluttering closed as your walls clenched around him. It was the tenderness in them, the depth he was letting you see, for more than just seconds at a time. It was the gentle tracing of your face with his fingers, even as he fucked into you, even as his teeth drew blood beneath your skin. It was Minho, the entirety of him. Yours. Finally yours. Finally giving in to you, giving himself to you.

You got it. You had said you did and you had, but now, beneath him in his bed as he loved you, you actually understood the magnitude of it. His feelings for you. Yours for him. Held back behind a dam for so many years and now, the dam had broken. Now came the deluge that would flood the world, could drown everyone in it.

To hell with them, you thought. To hell with anyone else. You found what you needed almost a decade ago. He found you. You found each other, somehow, by some miracle.

When the pleasure swelled up in your core, toes curling, back breaking, you cried out with all the breath you had in your lungs, felt tears sting in your eyes, and the following inhale wobbled and shook. Minho paused, pressed his forehead against yours, kissed you lightly, didn’t have to ask the question out loud.

You nodded and kissed him again, then again, each time hungrier than the last. You didn’t want to stop. Didn’t want to feel anything but this, but him. He moved slower now, though, hips rolling smoothly, lips not leaving yours, even when he spoke, even when he murmured how fucking good you felt, how much better than he’d imagined, how hard he was trying not to come, how he didn’t want this to end.

You couldn’t take it. Thought you really would cry, thought you would collapse entirely under his weight, under the weight of everything you’d been carrying around, all these feelings: all this love and fear and frustration. He pushed you to the edge again without even trying, your red thread thoroughly tangled, inseparable now, and pulling a greater ecstasy from you than you had ever known.

He couldn’t hold out either, his final, sharp thrusts filling you with his sticky release. You held him there, as close as he could be. He kissed you, so light it was barely there, his fingers grazing your face as he pushed the hair from your brow.

“Mouse,” you choked, tears threatening your waterline.

He kissed you again, that little butterfly kiss; you’d never seen him be this gentle.

“Sixteen,” he whispered and, for possibly the first time, it didn’t sound like disdain, didn’t come accompanied by a smirk or an eye-roll; it was hushed and secret and just for you.

As it had always been.

You lay on his chest, bodies pressed together in the small, single bed, as they would have been even if the bed were bigger.

“I want some water,” he said, lips against your forehead before he manoeuvred himself out from underneath you. “Want a drink?”

You nodded and he smiled down at you as he fetched clean underwear and pulled a T-shirt over his head.

You watched him go, watched him open the door, and then heard the sound of party poppers, whoops, and applause.

The apartment was empty. Had been empty when you entered your bedroom. In the midst of everything, you had failed to notice the gang return home. They had not failed to notice you and Minho.

“Fucking finally!”

“You mean, they finally fucked?”

Laughter resounded from the living room. Minho turned around, closed the door, and climbed back into bed without a word.

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