#i don't keep a mental tab of every post I've ever made and i don't think this is about anything I've said recently

[thedreadvampy]

Autism doesn't equate to neurodivergence, it's a developmental disability that's present from birth. And physically disabled people who are born disabled as a result of brain damage in the womb are more likely to have comorbid autism. Just because allistic people on social media have defanged autism and call every specifically autistic trait "neurodivergence" doesn't mean it shouldn't be considered the separate thing that it is. "Neurodivergent traits" don't exist. Able-bodied men with autism being annoying doesn't make it okay for allistic physically disabled people to downplay autism. Most of us who have multiple disabilities end up under conservatorships bc of how debilitating our autism is, combined with presumed incompetence due to being visibly disabled as well.

babe what are you talking about for real.

[neurotheascars]

First of all, no idea why this post had reblogs turned off but Ill respond here. Original post this for those who need context is here.

@fawna-lariat

First lemme get something out of the way:

You don't HAVE to do anything. You saying that just gives me the impression that you're a negativity chasing alter because that's exactly what I say when I'm thirsty for a fight.

Just because you know already that I probably won't agree with you doesn't mean I'm not listening. Word of advice- Get it out on your own blog. I'm only going to respond to you because you are being civil. But your attitude is grating to me because it feels like you didn't read a lick of the post you're commenting on.

I'm not a fragmented piece of a whole. I am a complete entity. It is extremely upsetting and triggering to keep hearing people insist that being an alter means you broke off of something. That's certainly a way for alters to form but it's not the only way and I'm tired of having "parts language" forced on to me. I know what I fucking am. I am a separate person. If you don't think I am you are denying my lived experience and ignoring the way a trauma victim literally exists. Parts language actually kept my system from healing so please fucking stop carrying that outdated claim about "shattered self" around like it's fact. It's not a reality for every system and I know more than one therapist that believes it is harmful to just assume a system is just one person broken into parts.

I'm pretty sure I've seen the sources you're talking about but there are other sources that contradict what you're saying too. My therapist honestly thinks being anti endo is a really misinformed stance in general if you need to hear that. You could really have your pick of information that proves your position is extremely narrow minded but I think you're comfortable and not going to do anymore research until you stumble upon it. You also don't seem to understand the real life context of what these studies actually prove or don't prove either.

You can send me that source, but I don't have the mental capability to comb through and properly refute claims in the manner that people like sophie and SAS do. I'm on mobile and I can't use tabs.

I've also already read a lot. I made a post a while back saying I was done with syscourse. I've also done a lot of research on entity creation techniques and parapsychology. I have 13ish years of experience on the topic and I know that mainstream psychology is only just now catching up to the reality of it all. I don't have the energy to entertain people who get dogmatic about mental health because I've deep dived in a way I can bet you haven't.

You aren't going to change my mind simply because you demonstrably don't know what I know.

Bottom line, you're talking to an alien who knows too much about this. And as a system who deals with all the dissociation and BS that comes with a did diagnosis, who was helped by created entities when we finally learned about the trauma, I frankly don't care if endos are in my community because it really really doesn't fucking matter.

Ive met cringey endos I don't like, but they don't "flood in to ruin my community" because I can block them without making them feel unwelcome and I want them to feel welcome because I don't know who they are or what they've been through. I don't know who might see me treating them poorly, and every system I'm ever met has been afraid of not feeling "valid" enough and gee I wonder why that could be when anti endos are drawing hard lines about how a system can form and behave.

And the thing is endos do know what being plural is like. Your belief that they don't isn't even a claim that can be backed with science. You're just making a sweeping generalization about what you think strangers understand. That's why I really dislike anti endos. The constant assumptions make my blood boil. I can't deal with that on the regular.

But regardless of anything you're saying about the distinction between tulpas and alters, endos are actually safer in the event of trauma occurring because their system hasn't had to deal with trauma to become organized. They have the option to be an organized system before trauma hits and are better for it because of their multiple consciousnesses.

That is just one unique way for a system to present and it's completely valid. If you think tulpas are real, but not alters then you should know that it's pretty easy for them to become alters. This is what happened to my IRL partner system. I'm not going to share their trauma story, but they are a group of tulpas that came from a paracosm that experienced trauma and now have to deal with all that extra stuff.

See you don't even realize it, but you're claiming my partner both doesn't understand what being plural is really like and that his alters aren't actually alters because he made them. Which, based on my lived experience with them, just isn't true. I don't need a peer reviewed paper to believe the lived experience of people right in front of me and that's why I don't agree with you. These studies never really concretely prove total absolutes and they don't claim to.

In fact its so easy for created alters to get all that extra trauma related dissociation with how stressful this shit world is that this distinction you're making really doesn't fucking matter in the end and only alienates people who are indeed trauma victims who might need support either now or in the future.

If you guys care so much about trauma victims why are you so hellbent on getting upset at and insulted by people who you literally don't know could be trauma victims. And if they aren't, a split consciousness configuration literally is the brain's way of dealing with trauma so tell me why it's so bad to be metaphorically holding the fire extinguisher in hand when the fire happens instead of having to run and break glass to get to it when you actually need it.

I truly don't think you know what you're talking about and saying that tulpas are real but they don't "count" as alters sounds like some highschool shit. I don't think you grasp that endos can have trauma separate from the origin of their alters and it's actually not your business if they do or not. It's only that their trauma isn't the cause of their alters. They may still have trauma that their alters help out with. I would agree that having a fragmented sense of self definitely makes it easier to create alters, but it doesn't mean you can't without the trauma.

I remember reading in a lot of grimoires and books on spirituality that anything that involves things like lucid dreaming, hedge crossing, and entity conjuration is easier for those who have been through an "ordeal". "Magic" and tulpamancy is easier if you've been through some life ruining shit. Thats all this claim that "created entities don't stick around in an unfragmented mind" means to me

Like yeah duh it's gonna take more effort to keep them there if you don't have your "head cracked open" as some spirit workers used to say.

The fact that I have witnessed with my own eyes what you say is impossible means to me that your science is incomplete.

Again, nobody is insulting you by simply existing and a lot of them do know what it's like to be plural.

[espoopee]

october life update, if you even care

I've been a little focused with my job so at the very least I was distracted but I still got a little sad!

Just to put it out there in the wind: I'm still carrying a lot of pain and hurt from my ex, and it's getting to a point where my brain is convincing me that I'm becoming unlovable and that I will never find someone to love ever again.

Obviously, that isn't true, but it feels like it. I guess it's also on me that I'm feeling this way because I let myself get a little too attached to my crush, especially during the weeks that he took a break from any social media (including chats) so I was convinced that he somehow hated me or was trying to avoid me for some reason. Plot twist, he also got distracted with work, and started chatting me again but... It's also a shocking reminder that I deluded myself into thinking he doesn't have a girlfriend or a relationship in the first place, so every time I'm reminded of that, I get the urge to slap myself like a telenovela villain would.

I suppose I'm also writing this because I'm completely unsure of who to like anymore. I still keep tabs on my ex despite being blocked on some social media. I just need to know if he's okay (he might also be depressed, but idk with him). Beyond that, my crush on this Russian guy is getting a little boring because I keep being reminded of how "out of my league" he is. On the flip side, I get some guys being my regular IG stories "likers" and the only reason I don't want to start anything with them is because it feels like I would only be taking advantage of their attention to satiate my loneliness.

I guess there is this one guy I would consider dating. His name is Justin, and we've known each other since high school. In fact, knowing he's a little gay in high school was what made me comfortable around him. If there's one thing I can take away from him being one of my regular "likers" and casual chatters is that he has a crush on me, and he's making some moves. That being said I don't know if I'm even ready to pursue someone like him, because he's such a good guy with a nice personality, and I don't want to ruin that with my baggage.

For the most part, I'm really just writing this to organize my thoughts. They've been all over the place since I last posted on Tumblr. It hasn't been easy to juggle a job, my mental health, my dilapidating house, a toxic mother, and a pretty absent sister. It gets incredibly exhausting, and all I can do to unwind is hunt monsters in a video game. When that frustrates me, I feel like there's no escape from the shackles of the universe's petty pestering of lonely people like me. The most serotonin I get nowadays is from cat videos on TikTok, and my own cat, and even then I don't get enough because I actually prefer having a big dog for a pet. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers and there are some things I have no control over.

I don't know how to end this, so... idk, always be kind and considerate... TO ME, hopefully, as I am with anyone else.

[ugh154628]

Sneaking out of the house? I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had to sneak out of the house in my 20's and that my ex was actually my parent LOL.

No one was sneaking out of the house, dude. That's not a thing when you're an adult with autonomy. I can go wherever I want and I don't have to let weirdos that are trying to manipulate and control me away from my support system keep tabs on me. Normal boyfriends don't act how he did. Secure partners don't act like that. Healthy relationships don't involve micromanaging. Because that's what was happening at the time. And I felt stuck so yeah, I did my fair share of avoidance. That's on me. But he was doing the same fucking shit based on my experiences, and according to you, so shut up about it.

Like YOU said, he was literally locking himself in his room away from me and avoiding me HIMSELF. So, why are we not talking about that? Why are we not talking about the fact that he apparently hated me for a whole 365 days or more, did lock himself away from me, ignore me, etc., but if I hung out with my friends or my fucking mom without telling said dude, who was ignoring and avoiding me, THEN it's a problem and I'm horrible? Why don't we talk about how he wanted nothing to do with me UNTIL I left the house either, hm? When you connect all those statues you made about him hating me and how awful of I girlfriend I was, and then your statuses about him locking himself in his room and AVOIDING ME, you are actually making HIM out to be a hypocritical and passive-aggressive narcissist. Like gee, sounds like I had every reason to feel unhappy being around his stupid ass, too. And oh yeah, that constitutes him being controlling. 100 percent. Minimize and mock that claim all you want, but that's the fucking truth and when you connect all the dots ESPECIALLY with the shit you post about him hating me for over a YEAR while dating me, but never leaving me himself...yeah uh, that kind shows who the real asshole is here. Gross that he was constantly trying to have sex with me in between spending literally no time with me even when I tried and secretly hated me to on top of that. Glad I' not a pussy ass bitch and said no anyways because I already thought it was really weird that he wpuld ignore me all day and then come in trying to touch me. This is all ao fucking disgusting. With everything said and done and you confirming that fact that not only he didn't even like me that last year we dated but was trying to touch me anyways, that is serioisly the most violating shit I've ever experienced.

And like, the whole me not coming home thing shit didn't even start happening until right before I dumped him. Because I was over the edge fucking sick of him and wasn't mentally ready to admit it because I was committed. It's not easy taking steps to break up with a person who is not only on a lease with you but that you have been with for nearly 4 years.

But hey, I ultimately did leave his dumb ass. At least I eventually did leave when I couldn't deny that things went too far anymore. That's what matters. I left. And he's the one that's trash for not even attempting to be the bigger person whatsoever, dating someone he literally hated long before that other person lost feelings themselves. Let alone, expressing annnny of the reality of his feelings you have posted that he had directly before that, literally denying them too whenever I tried to talk to him about him potentially not liking me anymore, and always on some passive aggressive shit instead of giving direct and honest communication before I ended up breaking up with him. At least I was direct and real with him. At least I did warn him if he kept his shit up I was going to leave. At least I didn't fake shit and actually fucking left him.

Sound familiar though? The whole not being direct and passive aggressive thing is what you used to say about him actually. You said that a lot and I still have the videos, you know all the ones where you were claiming he r*ped you. That's why they got screenrecorded. Because you were trying to cancel ME with that accusation for fucking years more than you even were HIM, calling me an abuse/r*pe supporter for dating him to everyone constantly, taking advantage of cancel culture trending, and I knew I needed to hold onto those. So I did. Aside from that, it's crazy how much you said about him is actually relatable and true to me now. So congrats, I now know about his actual character you described from my own experience later on, and you definitely look dumb going back with everything said and done. That could not and never will be me. I pity you.

And with the whole I "made him stay with me" thing, cry me a fucking river. He was a 24 year old man and he could have left me whenever the fuck he really wanted to. Duh.

The only time he ever did implicate leaving was when he was calling himself a piece of shit for fighting with me for wearing my new bikini and posting a picture in it, then trying to off himself about it, because he's an melodramatic, insecure, and controlling asswipe. Like, he was basically trying to mention breaking up first to fuck with my head, guilting me with an explanation of his mental problems and trying to off himself before I could hardly get a word in, on some "I just don't want to hurt you anymore, I should leave for YOUR own good because I have jealousy issues and I'm a dick" bullshit, and then me ultimately consoling him about it. Oldest trick in the manipulator's book and a form of gaslighting to call themselves out for hurting their partner and try to leave first when they're facing grounds to be dumped themselves. Just another control tactic. Guilt trip with a sob story, try to act like the bigger person with some "waaaahhh I should just leave you omg I'm so awful you don't deserve this", and then the other person ultimately getting distracted feeling bad about their sob story. And also, normal guys with stable minds don't control what their girlfriends wear and then threaten to drive their car into rivers. That shit was not fucking normal and no, I don't feel bad. He made that decision, that shit is not my fault, and he's a psychotic idiot for it. And you're an idiot for trying to blame his manipulative suicide attempt thar was clearly for attention and trying to control other into me.

Ah and teenagers? You mean my ADULT coworker? That used to stay at OUR house sometimes, meaning he was friends with BOTH of us? So if I'm a weirdo for hanging out with "teenager" that actually wasn't even a minor, what's that make him?

And 4AM? You mean 8:30pm at a park when I just got off work and when we literally told him we were out there and to come out himself to hang with us? I still have the videos.

And going to the club (a concert) on a weekend and drinking because I'm an adult and I fucking can, because I wanted to have fun with my friends, and him refusing to come with me. If not going and pouting in the corner all night no matter how much I tried to interact with him. So what you're saying is, I'm just supposed to stay home every fucking night and never see my friends because he's a cry baby ass bitch that never wants to leave the house, not even to see his own friends? I'm supposed to follow I'm his exact footsteps being depressed, miserable, and antisocial WITH him forever? Just stop talking to and seeing allll my friends and enjoying live music or doing other things I enjoy because he has a weird jealousy issue? And I'm supposed to put up with him being passive aggressive and pouty any other time I was able to convince him to come out with me?

Oh and me getting drunk on new years, and falling asleep at my friends...so I didn't drink and drive...with a GROUP of people I have done been close to for awhile in the room, and actually, on the floor by myself with a fucking blanket in shorts and a t-shirt. I was tired and I fell asleep pretty much right after midnight. I didn't feel good. He knew where I was. And he ultimately came and got me. But I'm such a whore right?

And wrecking my car driving drunk? Where? Prove it. As far as I know, I sold that vehicle and it was in okay condition other than having a shit ton of miles on it. I sold it for 2k, you want to see the receipts?

Electronic communication use means phone calls too, dip shit. I was on the phone with my mom and had my phone up to my ear. Hence why they saw the fucking phone. I wasn't texting first of all, but like it matters. An electronic communication use ticket isn't as big of a deal as you play it out to be, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you, him, or this situation being the main point. Shut the fuck up about it already. And also, he didn't help me pay for any class LOLOLOL. Please just stop.

And yeah, you're right about that. He had his weird preferences and I wasn't about it. I'm not obligated to change the entirety of who I am for anyone and not doing so doesn't make me a bad person.

So, I left him. I did the right thing for both of us and I left, unlike him. And you know what he did? Begged me to stay, which I have in text. So, its awfully funny that if he wanted to leave me for over a year that he never said that when I DID leave, even begged me not to, and that he himself was staying with me when he supposedly hated me according to you. But hey, I left. What the fuck more do you want but even that wasn't right apparently. Like which is it, dude. Are you mad I stayed or are you mad that I left? Pick a lane.

You just bitch no matter what conclusion happens or what choice people make. And if that doesn't say a lot about your character and position here, I don't know what does.

And me not coming home right on the dot and him instantly getting worried? Sounds like a him problem and some ridiculously high levels of insecurity as well as most definitely having a control issue actually. That happened on certain days, which I told him time and time again I liked to go there on those same exact days during the week every time. Because my mom was fucking working and I was visiting her there / eating her homemade meals she would make there for everyone. He knew what days those were and he knew this was an ongoing pattern. I told him directly this would be a pattern but oh no, Mr. Carless, Selfish Dipshit can't remember a single thing about me that means something to me no matter how many times I repeat myself. "I don't remember", "I don't know", and also, "yeah" while staring at his computer screen in discord anytime I tried to conversation with him. That was the majority of what came out of his mouth the last year of the relationship. And not only that, I would invite him to come hang out with me every time until I eventually gave up on asking because he never wanted to. At that point it was up to him to initiate, and maybe remember shit I tell him, too.

Sorry, but no boyfriend is going to keep me from spending time with my mom, let alone my friends, or going to fuck with MY routines that mean a lot to me. And my boyfriend now knows exactly where I am when my mom is working, he actually remembers things about me that matter like that, he doesn't hassle me for not only going to and from work all the time, and he doesn't expect an instantaneous text like the other control freak. I found somebody that matches my energy. Your sack of shit did not and that's not my problem anymore. I did what I had to do. I left him, and you got him back. Get over it already.

And you say he was worried about me? Hm, I wonder why. We could talk about the fact that you were harassing us during that time and he was worried ypu were going to hurt me, but it wasn't even that. He liked to use shit like that as an excuse to derail from the fact he was being jealous and controlling about me spending time with ANYONE else male or female besides him, even though he didn't give a fuck to spend time with me unless he gained something from it. He was just jealous and insecure, and doing nothing to fix his mental problems in general. Then, trying to make it MY problem. End of story.

And finally, sure. His boundaries were reasonable. To him, and you. And other people who operate like you both. But here's the thing, boundaries are perceived and and defined by the person. Boundaries vary from person to person. And no one is obligated to change their lifestyle in ways they don't want to for anyone. No one is wrong for not operating and thinking exactly like you or him.

And I fucking left him about it, like an adult and a good person. I didn't stick around for supposed years when I didn't actually want to be with the person, hated the person, and when that person dumped me, for some reason begged them not to leave. I also didn't intend to keep him on the side and get back with him either. I told him straight up done meant done. I have always been like that. I never get back with my exes. And you said that stuff about him hated for a whoooole year before IIIIIII left him, not me. And that's fake as fuck. You just make him look bad with all of that.

And you're welcome by the way. I threw out that trash and you got it back. So you can get over MY past relationship anytime now and maybe, focus on YOUR present with him already. You have spent and still spend significantly more time talking about us than you ever have each other, and that's really fucking weird. Literally psychotic to be so hung up on the shit he tells you about our dating life. I made like maybe 10 posts about you two back then, literally most in 2019 and because YOU were going around slandering me first. In that entire almost six years maybe 10 things regarding the first time you guys dated and mostly when this all first started and you were first coming at my life for dating him. And now you're going on 3,000 different posts of talking about, also EXAGGERATING, our previous dating life and that's just in the past YEAR. You have a sick problem. You basically mimicked every tiny thing I RIGHTFULLY said but 100 fold, as if I would ever give a fuck as much as you apparently did, when you were the ex and it's ridiculous. I'm not like you dude. Trying to flip the script on me excessively like this is insane. It's you that's obsessed and it's you that was the jealous ex back then.

You're such a deluded nutcase it's not even funny.

Your off the wall feelings are a whole lot of not my fucking problem. Stop trying to make it that way and get over yourself.

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Fraze

Bea: [A suitable amount of time before Ali's bday which was a Friday apparently so vday was Saturday, even less excuse not to get home to Dublin girl so] Bea: So Bea: What's the plan for Ali's birthday? Fraze: They're going camping Fraze: Fuck knows where Fraze: But we ain't invited, sorry to say, Red Bea: Fair enough Bea: Bit old for family functions now Fraze: Speaking purely for the two of us, yeah? Bea: Probably Bea: though if you want jelly and ice cream for YOUR 19th, better let 'em know now, like Fraze: 'Course Fraze: I'll pass that on with your regards, like Fraze: Kill every bird with the one stone Bea: Depends how much postage is on her gift Bea: but yeah Bea: guess so Fraze: Knowing you, it ain't a shit load Bea: Charming Fraze: It is Fraze: I'm saying you've thought it through Bea: How could I Bea: I was expecting to have to come back Fraze: That don't mean you ain't also considered the alternative Bea: You might have too much faith in my planning abilities at present Fraze: You reckon? Bea: I'm just saying, my mental faculties have been otherwise engaged Bea: no need to tell the Birthday princess that, not that I think it would be all that surprising, or that she's not used to it 💔 Fraze: Well, if you're that burned out, visiting anywhere my ma's in the vicinity of, ain't gonna be the wisest decision you've ever made Bea: I'm not burnt out Bea: just busy Fraze: You always keep yourself busy, if that's what you meant you wouldn't have felt the need to mention it Bea: Well that's exactly what I meant Bea: my mind has been more floor plans than party, that's all Fraze: If you say so, babe Bea: What Fraze: You know what Bea: Why I asked Bea: Are you burnt out? Fraze: You asked to put off what you actually wanna ask me, but here we fucking go Fraze: Cheers for that Bea: I asked 'cos I need to know what I'm doing, simple as Bea: go talk to the college counselor Fraze: I ain't the one complaining about my work-life balance Bea: Good for you then Fraze: Yeah Fraze: I'll leave you to get on before you have a breakdown then Bea: Nice Fraze: Helping you with your homework, nice as the offer sounds, would fuck everything up Fraze: What else is there? Bea: No, you don't need to reiterate Bea: I heard you the first time Fraze: That's a first Bea: You'd have to say something for me to hear it Fraze: You'd have to properly ask me something for me to properly answer it Bea: Clearly not Bea: you've managed fine Fraze: Come on Bea: Why would I subject myself to further embarrassment? Bea: not for your amusement, nice as the offer sounds Fraze: You've gone this far Fraze: I know you don't give a fuck about Ali's birthday Fraze: What do you want, Bea? Bea: Its obligation Fraze: Bullshit Fraze: It's an excuse Bea: You're so fucking arrogant Fraze: Do you reckon that's news to me or are you that desperate to play for time, like? Bea: I reckon you don't get told nearly enough Fraze: By your own admission, you've got enough on your plate Fraze: Give it a rest, babe Bea: Piss off Bea: I never said that nor would I Bea: I keep busy Fraze: Whatever Bea: Sounds about right Bea: Enjoy yourself then Fraze: One of us has to Fraze: And it clearly ain't gonna be you Bea: Fuck you, Fraze Fraze: Yeah, sounds about right Bea: What do you expect me to say Bea: to any of that Fraze: Hit me with a few more excuses, why the fuck not Bea: I'm not the one that needs them Bea: But don't feel the need to give me any more Fraze: I ain't giving you any, end of Fraze: Don't worry about it Bea: That's what you'd like to think, fine Fraze: That's how it is, whether you like it or not Bea: Let's not pretend you've given any consideration to what I would like or not Fraze: We don't need to pretend 'cause I have and I do Bea: Jesus Bea: You're ridiculous Fraze: You wish Fraze: You'll need a better excuse to hide behind if you wanna ignore me Bea: I'm not the one with all the plans Fraze: It ain't my fault you're fully booked til your breakdown's over and done with Bea: Would you stop Fraze: Ladies first Bea: Fuck off then Fraze: Fine Bea: Like I said, enjoy Fraze: Like I said, I will Bea: Great Bea: I really wanted to hear that Fraze: I know Bea: I know you're a dick Fraze: You never had a problem with it before Bea: Things are different now Bea: clearly Fraze: Yeah, there's that consideration to what you would like that you're trying to pretend I don't give you Bea: If you had any consideration you wouldn't stopped at least three hurtful digs ago Fraze: 'Cause it's that easy Fraze: Alright Bea: Why is it so hard for you Bea: That's an actual question, have at it Fraze: Why have you suddenly forgotten who the fuck I am? Fraze: Jesus Bea: I know who you are Bea: So sorry Fraze: Act like it then Bea: How dare you Fraze: Calling out your bullshit is hardly a daredevil move Fraze: What are you gonna throw at me from there? Bea: The bullshit is you thinking I have anything to be sorry for Bea: You be sorry then we can talk Fraze: Sorry for what? Fraze: Fuck you Bea: You seriously want to be that stupid? Bea: That's on you then Fraze: If you reckon you've got it in you to be that entitled over nothing after hanging around with one too many posh cunts, that's on you Bea: If you call telling me not to come back because you have plans I'd ruin if I did nothing Bea: then I don't know what to say to you anymore Bea: genuinely Fraze: Christ's sake Fraze: How am I the stupid one? Fraze: You're having a convo all on your own Bea: No I'm not Bea: Its exactly what you said, never mind all that you've implied too Fraze: Yeah, you fucking are Fraze: I didn't say sod all about you coming back or not Bea: Yeah exactly Fraze: It ain't the same thing as a no Fraze: Don't act like it is Bea: Yeah 'cos bragging how much you're gonna be enjoying yourself is encouragement Bea: Like I said, I got the message Fraze: Like I said, don't be stupid Bea: Stop calling me stupid Fraze: I've told you so many times that no other girl compares Fraze: Come on Bea: Well that doesn't count for shit does it Fraze: Well it should Bea: Words are just that Fraze: I ain't getting on a plane for you to slam a door in my face Bea: You aren't getting on a plane Bea: who's got the excuses Fraze: Cheers for the echo Bea: There's only so much I can say Bea: and have, so Fraze: Do something then Fraze: Or let me Bea: Who's stopping you? Fraze: You and your busy schedule Fraze: I got the message too, like Bea: But I'm stupid and having my own conversation when I do it? Bea: Come on Fraze: I ain't putting any words in your mouth, babe Fraze: You said it Bea: You said all of that too Fraze: Don't twist it round Fraze: Making the most of not seeing you ain't the same as not wanting to see you Bea: Well you jumped to that being the outcome Fraze: Well you jumped down my throat the second I refused to jump through any bullshit hoops Fraze: I ain't gonna fucking beg Bea: You've forgot who I am then, have you? Bea: and I don't believe you don't know what you were saying no matter how you try and sell it Bea: you knew that would piss me off Fraze: And like I fucking said already, you deliberately started this convo lumping me in with Ali as another obligation Fraze: So fuck you Bea: That isn't what I was doing Fraze: Whatever you are well busy doing, go ahead Fraze: If you don't wanna make time for me then don't Bea: Like my work, like I fucking said Bea: why are you mad at me, I'm not the one with all the fun plans Fraze: I can't help you there, we covered that, babe Bea: Then there's no need to ask Fraze: Why are you mad at me for staying out of your way? Bea: For Christ's sake Bea: Why don't you want to see me? Fraze: I do Bea: Then do it Fraze: Alright Bea: Would a little enthusiasm kill or what Fraze: [confirmation of his speedily booked flight] Bea: Good Fraze: Yeah Bea: Where have you been? Fraze: How far back do you wanna go and keep tabs? Bea: Don't Fraze: I'm sorry Bea: No you aren't Bea: I was just asking Fraze: I am Bea: Are you gonna tell me how you've been or not then Fraze: I'm fine, like Bea: Cool Fraze: How are you? Bea: This is strange Bea: Just talk to me like normal Fraze: I've asked how you are before, ain't I? Bea: I don't know Bea: Didn't really need to before Fraze: 'Course I would've Bea: People who live together don't need to make small talk Fraze: Fair point Fraze: Are you gonna answer or what then? Bea: Just been having loads of breakdowns tah, spot on, like Fraze: Don't start Bea: You started that one, babe Bea: nothing to write home about though, obviously Fraze: You know I didn't mean it Bea: It's fine Bea: The post-Christmas workload is intense Fraze: Yeah but you can easily handle it Bea: 'Course Bea: didn't come here to slack off Fraze: Once a swot, 'course you're gonna be one always Bea: Hey Fraze: You wanted normal Bea: I do Bea: that's what swots are 'round here Bea: nothing special about that Fraze: No shit, they're all too soft to be anything else but 🤓 Bea: Nah, it's like Bea: anyone who had to work to be here, you have to keep up that level and act like its nothing Bea: but the ones who have had it all handed to 'em by mummy and daddy don't even care if they graduate with a third, long as they can say they went here Fraze: Do that then, not like it's your first time Bea: I am Bea: never mind Fraze: Nah, if you mind, I mind Fraze: Come on Bea: I don't know Bea: Obviously this is what I wanted Bea: want Fraze: That don't mean you have to want all of it every second Bea: But it kinda does Bea: there's no room to drop the ball Fraze: I'm not telling anyone or letting you Fraze: It's alright Bea: Is it? Bea: This is just the beginning Fraze: Trust me Bea: I must Fraze: All that faith you took the piss out of me having in you earlier, it's actually there Fraze: And for good reason Bea: I know Bea: I'm just letting everyone else's freakouts get to me, clearly Bea: but when you're here we don't have to talk about deadlines and word counts and all that boring bullshit Bea: just you and me Fraze: Exactly, forget 'em Fraze: Think about where I'm taking you for the Valentine's bullshit Bea: Am I using my imagination 'til you actually come up with a plan? 😏 Fraze: Unless you wanna use your imagination to contribute to the plan Bea: Not very romantic, is it Bea: Besides, I have my own plans to formulate Fraze: Fine Fraze: Leave it with me Bea: I missed you, you know Fraze: Yeah, 'course I do know Bea: 🙄 Fraze: I've missed every 🙄 I could've had off you, like Bea: That's more or less what you were meant to say Bea: I'll allow it Fraze: Cheers babe Bea: I figure you have enough you need to get right Bea: Let you have it Fraze: Fuck off Fraze: What's there that I can't handle? Bea: Hopefully nothing Bea: I wanna miss you more when you're gone Fraze: Uncross your fingers Fraze: You're gonna miss me loads Fraze: It's easily done Bea: We'll see, babe Fraze: Yeah Bea: How's everyone else anyway? Bea: Is my sister going camping? Fraze: Standard Fraze: Do you reckon Ali would let her stay at home? Fraze: Or that she'd wanna be anywhere but stitched to my sister's side? Bea: That'll be a laugh Bea: shame we're not invited really Bea: almost anyway Fraze: We could gatecrash if you're that gutted Bea: Nah Bea: her girlfriend will be there and she'll just try and flirt with you Fraze: Don't pretend you're bothered by her when we both know it's 'cause you don't wanna get leaves and shit in your hair Bea: Like we didn't used to spend all our time in parks and shit Bea: Not that princess Fraze: Like I ever left you without my coat to lie on if I couldn't put a (shed) roof over your head Fraze: Treated you as decent as the princess you ain't Bea: I never said you weren't chivalrous Fraze: You still ain't saying it Bea: You want me to tell you what a good boyfriend you were? Fraze: Nah, I wanna tell you I miss you too Bea: There you go Bea: I know, too Fraze: That don't mean I can't say it though Fraze: Or that I won't Fraze: Tell you and show you Bea: Good Bea: That's Bea: what I want too Fraze: Good Bea: Better finish this coursework now then Fraze: You gonna get pissed off if I offer to leave you to it this time? Bea: Not funny Fraze: Just as well it's a serious question then, yeah? Bea: Like you're seriously worried about pissing me off now Fraze: Now we're finally getting somewhere, I ain't trying to go back to where we were Bea: It's not like we've been actively avoiding each other Bea: is it? Fraze: 'Course not Bea: Right, just hectic Fraze: Exactly Bea: 'cos avoiding me would be a pointless thing to do Fraze: Pointless ain't the first word that springs to mind but yeah Bea: However you wanna say it Bea: don't, yeah Fraze: I won't Fraze: I can't Fraze: You know that Bea: 'Course Fraze: Don't add it to your list of stresses Bea: Considerate as always Fraze: Cheers for the recognition Bea: Take a bow if you're feeling it Fraze: I will Bea: Cute Fraze: Obviously Fraze: Gotta get in the Valentine's spirit or whatever Bea: I really felt that Bea: So convincing, boy Bea: Not expecting rose petals and a 300-word essay in a sickly sweet Hallmark card, don't stress Fraze: Good Fraze: You're getting me, as gifts go I reckon we're covered, like Fraze: With or without scattering rose petals every step I take Bea: Not disagreeing Bea: even though you're being pretty insufferable with it Fraze: What can I say? There's no posh cunts here looking down their nose at me or sticking it into my business in the name of self improvement Fraze: And even less nuns about trying to save me the old fashioned way Bea: Lucky, lucky you then, eh Fraze: Yeah Bea: Do you have reading week or do you need to go back? Fraze: Ours is at the beginning of March Bea: Ahh Bea: Oh well, I've actually got loads to do, lack of breakdowns aside Fraze: Fair enough Bea: Is your course that boring? Fraze: 'Course Fraze: Can't all be a laugh a minute like yours, babe Bea: What's your problem, like Fraze: I don't have a problem Bea: Well you could at least try and sound happy for me then Fraze: I am, you know that Bea: Yeah, in theory Fraze: And you know what it's like in practice Fraze: So what's your problem? Bea: You being moody about it don't help the situation Bea: all I'm saying Fraze: You being dramatic don't either Bea: fuck off dramatic Fraze: Whatever you wanna call it, like Bea: No, why are YOU calling it that? Fraze: 'Cause that's what I'd call your reaction to me not jumping for joy over the way things are Bea: For God's sake Fraze: Forget it Fraze: We've both got shit to do Bea: Fine Fraze: Well convincing, Red Fraze: See you soon then Bea: I'm not trying if you aren't Fraze: Fucking hell Fraze: Do you want blood? Bea: Don't act like I'm being unreasonable Fraze: Yeah, you're being proper level-headed about this Fraze: As per Bea: Well you're being proper boring Fraze: Says you, who ain't talked about fuck all but uni Bea: And you've got, what, to say, exactly? Fraze: Christ's sake Bea: This is why things are the way things are Fraze: It ain't my fault Bea: So it's mine Fraze: If you're gonna throw it about Fraze: Like you said, Cambs is what you want Bea: If that's how you feel Fraze: You know how I feel Bea: Now I do Bea: so there's no need for you to come Fraze: Bea, don't Bea: You don't Bea: This is what I want and what I'm doing Bea: if you can't handle that then don't Fraze: Come on, I won't get refunded for my fucking flight Bea: Not my problem now Bea: Go do something fun Fraze: Nah, it's all my fault and all my problem that you've fucked off to another country and I ain't ecstatic about it Bea: It ain't like I sprung that on you Bea: or I ain't letting you do whatever you want 'cos I know how not ecstatic you are about it Fraze: And it ain't like that matters Fraze: Or makes it any easier Bea: I'm not feeling sorry for you Fraze: Good Fraze: Fuck that Bea: Then stop expecting it Fraze: Stop putting all the blame onto me Bea: I'm blaming you for your part in it Fraze: And accusing me of not handling it Bea: No, sure, let's just pretend some more Fraze: Fuck you Fraze: I'm doing my best Bea: Yeah, I know Bea: Me too Fraze: I know Bea: Well we have to do better Fraze: Give me a chance Bea: Opposed to what Bea: What do you think I'm going to do Fraze: Opposed to telling me not to come Bea: We can't even have a conversation Fraze: We'll do better Fraze: What else are we gonna do? Bea: I don't know Fraze: Trust me Bea: I do Bea: Its just Bea: Its not going to get any easier than this Fraze: But it's like I told you when we first got together, there's nothing we can't do, yeah? Bea: Yeah Fraze: It's hard but it ain't the hardest thing we've ever done Bea: Just don't forget that its worth it Fraze: I won't Bea: Swear Fraze: On what? Bea: Yourself Fraze: Alright, I swear on my life Bea: 'til I can get blood from you, it'll do Fraze: I love you Bea: I love you so much Fraze: Don't stop Fraze: It ain't gonna be like this forever Bea: I can't Fraze: Don't regret any of it Bea: Don't want easier and find someone else Fraze: I want you, I don't give a shit about anyone else Bea: You better not Fraze: Why would I? I told you then you're better and it's still true now Fraze: It'll be true forever Bea: Because its easier Bea: and I'm not there Fraze: It ain't easier Fraze: You know that Bea: I don't Bea: I don't need to hear about that Fraze: I'm not talking about that Bea: What then Fraze: I'm saying it's always gonna be harder to not be with you at all than whatever the bullshit alternative has to be for now Bea: As long as that stays true for both of us Bea: we'll be alright Fraze: Then we'll be alright Fraze: 'Cause I'd rather fucking die than try to stay away from you Bea: You don't have to Bea: I don't want you to, you know that Fraze: We ain't those kids anymore, we can't ever go back Fraze: It's too far Bea: Don't regret it Fraze: I don't have any regrets about us Fraze: Never have done Bea: Me either Bea: Its not easy but Bea: it's us Bea: there was never an alternative, like Fraze: Good Bea: You're mine Bea: end of Fraze: Yeah Fraze: No takebacks however old we get Bea: Okay, deal Bea: you've made me miss you Fraze: I ain't sorry Bea: You're coming so you don't have to be Bea: too much, anyway Fraze: You ain't gonna be either Bea: I already know but not mad about the reminder Fraze: I don't have to swear then Bea: It is very inconvenient that you aren't here right now though Bea: I miss that Fraze: Count to 100 and answer your phone Bea: 50 Fraze: 75 Bea: 60 but I'll start again Fraze: Alright

[lalka-laski]

How did it feel outside today? It's chilly but really nice. I think it's gonna warm up a bit later.

Who did you last text? My groupchat of college friends

Are there any animals in the room with you? Lord there BETTER NOT be

Do you like the color of your eyes? I love them. It's one of the few features about myself I don't nitpick

When you watch T.V. what are you usually watching? Reruns of my favorite comfort shows

Can you open up to others easily? Yeah, I'm a little too trusting

Are you one of those girls who already have baby names picked out? Sure am! But I don't think it's that crazy considering my age and relationship status

Elaborate about the drunkest you’ve ever been? That could be any number of times...

Is there anything that you think is just simply beautiful? Love. Oh and babies!

Is there a friend of the opposite sex you can confide in? Mhm

How did you spend yesterday afternoon? It was lovely! I finished a book (that I had only started that morning, couldn't put it down), while Glenn watched football. Then I made us homemade alfredo & shells for dinner. It was my ideal Sunday!

Are any of your siblings taller than you? Kathleen and I are about the same height

Do you think anyone hates you? I honestly don't think so

Is anyone angry with you at the moment? Nope, not that I know of

Who’s in the room with you right now? Nobody

Ever did something you regret while under the influence? Too much

What car would you like to have, but know it’s way out of your reach? I don't desire any car

What religion were you raised on? Do you agree with those beliefs? I wasn't raised with any religion. I was christened in a Protestant church (just for tradition's sake, I guess) but we never attended church beyond that. Otherwise, my mom has a lot more Pagan/New Age beliefs (I struggle to define them aptly) and I find myself identifying a lot more with those practices and sentiments. Spirituality is an ongoing process of discovery.

Would you say that you’re flexible? Not at all. In any form of the word.

Keep the peace or finish out the fight to prove your side? I'm more of a keep the peace person but then everything left unsaid comes back to haunt me

Do you believe in giving second chances? Yes, because I'd be nothing if it weren't for the second chances granted to ME

Can people really change? Yes

Has anyone ever told you they loved you, but you didn’t believe them? Yes

What’s one of the worst experiences you’ve had so far? Idk, my childhood sex abuse prob ranks high on the list. Among other things.

Can anyone be described in one word? Humans are multi-dimensional but I think it's our nature to try to condense each other into single categories like that

When did you last have a nightmare? Last night! I've been having them quite a lot lately and that's a sure sign my mental health is failing.

Do you sleep well? I do but that's mostly because I take a sleep aid every night

What are you thinking about right now? How hungry I am and how hard this fast is gonna be today

Last person you spoke to, what did you say? "Have a good day" to a patient

Is there anyone in this world you would do absolutely anything for? Glenn, my babies, my sisters

Is there any certain thing you’re always thinking about? Whatever my Worry du Jour is

Do you have any other tabs open right now? What for? Thesaurus.com & Facebook because I'm working on a Facebook post for a company I write for

Are you hot or cold? Or neither? I'm ok for now but I'm almost always too hot

Rich and miserable, or poor and happy? How POOR are we talking? Because poverty is hell. This question was obviously written by someone who's never had to worry about money

What’s one of the weirdest things you believed in as a kid? That Maleficent lived behind the pool in my backyard

What’s your favorite type of weather? Crisp with clear skies & some sun

Do little kids and toddlers get on your nerves? No, I love them and much prefer them to adults

What’s the goriest thing you’ve ever seen? Umm...

Have you or do you attend pep rallies regularly? They were required in high school and took place during the actual school day

What’s the name of the city you live in? Rochester

Is anyone getting on your nerves right now? Meh, not really

Are you good at coping with stressful situations? I'm TERRIBLE at it, thanks for asking

Time? 10:52 am...just about halfway through my day. Woot!

Do you really think Lil Wayne is the greatest rapper alive? No

Have you ever seen a building on fire in real life? Yes

How many weddings have you been to? I just counted 6 but I can't help think I'm forgetting some

Have you kissed anyone and their first name started with an F, D, or L? D

[toycarousel]

If you don't mind me asking I'd like to know if you can give me a bit of advice. So I'm kind of a self cannibal and it's starting from me eating the tips of my fingers, and to my thighs now. I'm starting to get scars on my fingers and I'm scared someone will notice. I've been eating my lips for a while now too, and I'm trying to stop. One problem is I like how my blood tastes, and I just get stressed and nervous and start biting away. I find it scary when people look at my cannibalistic scars.

- same self cannibal continue: And I play a violin, and am asked to play, and am learning the piano. Some days I eat away my fingers so much it hurts to type. I find it oddly satisfying and without eating myself I get weirded out and have weird withdraws and it just, is odd..

Hi there, Anon!!! To start off with, I need to make it clear that I’m definitely not a medical professional, and I don’t want to lead you astray in any way.  I’m offering my advice and support, but it’s purely from my own perspective, and what I think may help! I do, however, strongly believe that this is something you should bring up with a medical professional (if you have access to one -- even free professionals online might have more helpful advice).

I also just want you to know that I’m glad you talked to me about this -- I know it’s probably not easy to talk about... it doesn’t make you a strange/bad person in any way, even if some folks don’t understand it (though I know that far more people practice this than ppl realize).  You’re not “too weird,” or anything like that, not to worry (srsly, every single time I try to answer this, something has gone wrong -- I’ve accidentally clicked out of the tab, swiped the back button without saving my answer, etc.) I don’t want you to have to feel isolated or like you’ve said anything wrong to me, okay? It’s always alright to talk about this with me, and I’m not judging you.

When I was a kid, I used to eat the sloughed-off skin of my inner cheeks, and I still kinda bite my lips out of anxiety and eat what peels off.  This isn’t an addiction for me, however.  It’s more something that happens incidentally, based on an anxious reflex, and it’s more occasional.  But I can see why it could become a strong habit for some folks, for sure.

While you are still doing this (as I know that completely healing from it is likely going to be a process), make sure that you’re taking care of the wounds on your body, for harm-reduction’s sake.  On your legs and fingers, be sure to clean the wounds immediately after they’re made (I recommend swabbing the area with hydrogen peroxide, but rubbing alcohol can work as well), and using bandaids and Polysporin/other disinfectant topical treatments to prevent infection.  On your mouth and lips, don’t use rubbing alcohol or peroxide, since those are toxic when ingested orally, but make sure to gently wipe the area down with a clean cloth dampened by warm water.  On your lips, you can also try using a medicated lip-balm, after washing the area with the cloth.  It may also be a good idea to swish your mouth out with an antibacterial mouthwash (use this only as prescribed on the label).

Try not to lick your lips too much, and be mindful of anything that triggers this desire (it’s already a really huge first step that you’ve realized you tend to do this when anxious/nervous and stressed -- it’s great that you’re mindful of the causes, because that will be instrumental in preventing harm in the future).  Target the aspects of your life that are causing the stress, and problem-solve them to any extent possible.  Research healthy coping mechanisms for anxiety and stress that may help reduce these feelings, and the urge to chew on your skin!!! I have a lot of resources for anxiety/nervousness and stress in my mental health resources tag, but google comes up with most of the stuff I’ve provided there as well.  Following blogs that tackle intense anxiety may also be a good idea!

Also, if you find that you cannot resist the urge to bite yourself -- as another aspect of harm-reduction, be sure not to bite too often in the same place, or very deeply in any place, at any one time.  I’ve read that this can cause permanent nerve damage in some cases, and I don’t want to scare you (I’m sure you’re going to be alright, since you’re tackling this right away), but be aware of any risks of biting certain parts of the body, including the fingers.  And always be on the lookout for signs of infection, in case you need to see a doctor immediately!!! 

There are many, many resources on this specific issue, and I’ll link them below; especially ones where you can hear from people who have more similar experiences to yours!!!

https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/article/ypwnjk/dermatophagia-the-psychological-disorder-that-makes-people-bite-their-own-skin (this is info on what might be going on for you, and it also talks about people who’ve recovered.  That being said, it’s more an info piece!!!)

https://www.skinpick.com/node/1883 (this is an older post by someone who overcame their desire to pick and eat their skin; it sounds like they’re not certain how far they’ve come, but recovery is like that -- there are ups and downs.  Either way, they may have some valuable tips!)

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Dermatophagia/300197 (another forum, this site is more generalized, and this thread is older, but I think you could start your own thread and see what people have done to limit their desire to practice this!)

https://www.doctorshealthpress.com/general-health-articles/dermatophagia/ (this article lists actual treatments that you can discuss with your doctor(s), and with other people... and even try to practice on your own, if you feel it’s safe to do so!)

https://www.skinpick.com/node/682 (another article from this site -- the site seems more tailored to what you’re experiencing, so it may be an excellent idea to start your own thread and see what responses you receive! Checking out the site in general is a good idea, imo, just to see what’s available for help, and to get the chance to speak to people who are in the same boat).

https://ocdla.com/abcs-dermatillomania-compulsive-skin-picking-1979 (this is more info on skin-picking without the autocannibalistic portion, but the treatments listed here would also apply to you as well, and they’re something to read through and consider!!!)

http://www.skinpickingsupport.com/about/body-focused-repetitive-behaviors-bfrbs/ (this link has more info on a variety of skin picking behaviours, some pertaining to what you’re experiencing, and the site itself is another one I think you could read through and gain insight from!)

https://www.psychforums.com/impulse-control/topic57565.html (this is another generalized forum, and this thread is older, but reading through the responses might provide you with more helpful tips, and you can start your own thread here as well -- the more conversations you safely open up regarding this, the more likely you are to find people who understand, and who can also offer valuable info and support!)

Again, if you want to talk/vent about this, or anything else, I’m here and I’m listening.  I can’t promise I’ll ever get back to you right away, as I receive hundreds of messages, and I’m overwhelmed, but I do care about what happens to you, and I want you to be safe (and to know that you don’t have to keep this a secret or be alone in this!) Take care, Anon!!!