#i don't have beta reader and ah it's been forever since i write something

[yors-truly]

Hello! This is your friendly inquiry to answer this ask with whatever you'd like to talk about right now! Whether that be a story you're working on, something you're excited or worried about, or just something random you happen to know.

All the love,

~ toribookworm ❤️

Ah, I guess I've been more on the lower side these past few days, so I'll spill the beans.

I've been slightly if not highly insecure about the progress of Beyond Time and Space recently. Things haven't really been stable since my family's been in the process of moving and, in the midst of that, losing Nygaard (my phone holding all of my important notes).

The things I want to use are all packed away in a storage miles from here, which includes my sketchbook, my stylus, and many more (which, as an artist who often gets art block, it's very frustrating when the inspiration hits and you can do literally nothing about it).

Then there's the insecurity surrounding my age. I'm a teenager. With my birthday coming on the 20th, that status won't change. Maybe it's just the mindset of "kids wishing they were grow ups" or whatever, but as of very recently, it's been getting to me. I've been motivated and inspired by other indie projects like mine, who have all of these incredible people behind them, helping make a vision into a visual. I would love to do that! I'm already doing that!

The thing is, though, is that I lack connections. I'm pretty much going solo in this. As someone as young as myself (who also has diagnosed SAD and possibly ADHD, little to no experience in such a collaborative environment, zero experience in running a project, and lacking the money and tools actually needed), I'm worried no one will be willing to work with me to bring my thoughts to an audience, let alone allow me to help bring theirs to one. I've been trying to start out small, posting what I enjoy and hoping to make friends along the way, as it would be a dream to work alongside friends more than anything, but it's been doing my mental health more harm than good, in the way that me having SAD cranks my anxiety with in-person interactions to 200% with online interactions. For the longest time, I forgot social media existed (still do sometimes, and I think that's also an anxiety response: repression or something like that? involuntarily forgetting the things that make you anxious), so my activity hasn't been the best anywhere anyway, to begin with.

I guess all of this sums up to me saying "I wish I could do things on my own" in a slightly desperate way. If I had the money - heck, if I had a way of transferring money, because people have been questioning about commissions too (at least they used to; idk where my audience is now, since I've been so inactive) - that would be so useful! I want to be able to receive funds for my own hard work, and give funds to others for theirs! It's all so frustrating X[

(on an unrelated note: now that I've moved, I'll probably end up having to celebrate my birthday with my family instead of the people I love most.)

So, yeah, that's pretty much it. Beyond Time and Space is nowhere near finished, and I guess, in a way, I'm kinda glad I don't have extra hands at the moment. I'd like to have the entire first season written before making any progress on visuals (besides... you know... the ones I already have). It's just gonna take a little longer than I wished, and with everything moving so quickly, it's kind of overwhelming me a little qwq A beta reader or two (besides my brother who kind of just lazily reads through it most times) would be nice, though, but I take forever to write scripts so maybe not XD

Thanks for the opportunity to rant on! I really needed to get this out, I think, and this ask couldn't have been timed any better :star-emoji:

[triptripletrolls]

The Two Schools of Thought for Fiction and my thoughts, the realization, and the journey that I will forever be on

“Fiction =/= Real Life” vs “Fiction Impacts the Real World”

Those are the two arguments that I kept seeing popping up every once in a while. I was on the side of the “Fiction =/= Real Life” and I didn’t understand how any fictional media can be bad in real life. After all, we all have heard of parents blaming games for turning their kids bad, movies creating evil people, books causing women to run from their husband, blah blah blah blah blah. I was kind of exaggerating there but I’m sure people have seen those kinds of arguments before. The blame on fiction, to me, was silly. The stories I heard with these arguments usually have an underlying human problem that needed to be solved, but instead of realizing the actual problem of that person's trouble they use fiction as a scapegoat. Shifting blame is, after all, easier than owning up to one's fault.

Another reason why I heavily supported the "Fiction =/= Real Life" side and did not understand the other side of the fiction argument was because of the victims of abuse and how some of them would use fictions to cope with their past. Let me be brief about this point for a moment and come back to this later. I was sympathetic to the victim and tried to be empathetic to their past pain and to the pain that they may feel at present. Who am I to say that they cannot do this or that when their life was already once controlled by another person, in bad hands. They (the victims) have a fucked up life, so let them be and let them cope with their trauma however they can. That was what I thought.

For me personally, fiction was a means of escape from my own head where I thought I was rotted alive and crippled from depression. Yes, that was a pretty dramatic description of what my past mental state was, but that was the feeling I remember and I have not forgotten that feeling so that I may tap into it and empathize with others now that I have grown. The dark thought still lingers to this day, but I think life is nice and I like to think that I have moved past the thought of wanting to kill myself. That sentiment is something I want everyone to have and sometimes I wanna help that in others, as draining as it is.

Fiction was not the only help I had with depression, of course, but it did play a role. Fiction kept my brain thinking of worlds fantastical than my own. Imagination was fun; I could be anyone and do anything I like. I've enjoyed fiction by myself for a long time, but when I realized that I can have fun with others who also like make-believe. It was like a whole new world for me. So my thought at that point was “How could fiction that did so good to me be bad and have real-world consequences outside of my head?”

My view shifted recently when I was able to connect the argument for “Fiction Impacts the Real World” to me personally, outside of my head in a real tangible example. I am a Korean born in Canada. Growing up Asian in a North American society, representation of my race was lacklustre or very stereotypical. Of course, I had the Korean media to turn to, but I identify myself as a Canadian more than a Korean and I grew-up all before the Korean Wave became a phenomenon in North America. When the wave did hit my city, it hit hard, but by then I was already in High School and I thought that all of this hype was overrated and just a fab. Just because I am a Korean, it didn't mean that I would suddenly embrace the Korean wave into my life. But now that I think about it, representations and fiction were two key thoughts that I need to start understanding the “Fiction Impacts the Real World”.

There was a podcast that I was listening to sometime this Spring, and the topic was about Asian representation in the mainstream media in America. My memories have yet again failed to remember what the exact podcast I was listening to but the people talking were all Asian Americans. Regular people just like me. They were talking casually, about the recent movies, like Crazy Rich Asians, and TV shows, like Fresh Off The Boat. The group of people that I was listening to expressed their amazement in these movies and shows in present times when they were growing up there really wasn't any movies and shows that had this many Asians. This is an expression I can relate to. At some point in the podcast, someone mentioned that in order for Asians to continue to get good representation in media, we need good stories that we can fill. Stories, as in fiction, and that was when it clicked.

There is still a lot of things in this world that I have yet to experience and I have a lot to learn even though I'm in my late 20s. I still think that being an adult is hard, a thought that I think many adults can relate to. Accepting new things is a process and while I still lean towards the “Fiction =/= Real Life,” I now know better. I know that fiction is important not only in the mind but also in the real world. It took an embarrassingly long time for me to come to this conclusion but hey, I'm glad I'm at this place now. Go me :p

Now here is the topic that I said I'll come back to. I know that this particular subject is really controversial in this community but I cannot ignore the consequences that this topic had on the community that I so love and to the friendships I once had.  

Let me be very clear. There is no argument that CP is very bad. The sexual act against children no matter their age by an adult is despicable. CP in its nature is the exploitation of vulnerable children whose innocence of life and wonders are ripped away from selfish adults who are just thinking with their dicks, literal and metaphorical dicks. Adults are supposed to be protecting children. Adults are supposed to nurture and be a role model, but these vile sex offenders used their adult status for their own greed. CP is bad and this what I truly believe for a long time, even before any drama that has happened in this community.

What I did not know, or even thought of until reading ladytrollfishes' addition to glowtroll's post, is that there are adults who would actively expose pedophilic fiction to the children in order to do harm. This was huge news for me. I was enraged when I first read that and that could actually happen, How dare they taint the fiction I love and use it to manipulate the impressionable minds. I was aware of the pedophilic ships when I was consuming a large amount of anime as a child but those ships weren't my thing and I never thought anything of it. In all honesty, there were actually a couple of ships in animation between a child and adult that I thought was cute when I saw pretty fanart of it. However, after the epiphany of adults exposing children to problematic ships with the goal of real life CP, I am distraught by my own previous thought and grossed out by those adults.

When I said that I sympathize with victims of abuse, I still believe that I should give the victims my compassion. I understand the need to express the inexplicable pain that the victim may be feeling. To validate their own self and convince themselves that all is okay. However, like what ladytrollfishes said, there is an audience. The kind of adults I hate may use a victim's work of fiction feeding into the cycle of abuse. To sum up this particular subject of victims creating fiction as a coping mechanism, please do it privately and if you must share, do so with those you truly trust.

These are some of the thoughts that were plaguing my brain for a while. I usually don’t like sharing my personal baggage and thoughts like this, but this community has gone through a lot of drama and thoughts and opinions has been let loose. I didn’t really know where my head was, and with my own stuff going on around the same time, I think writing this out on paper and then having another thought during the typing, really has sorted out my thoughts. There are still a ton of other stuff that I want to let my feelings out, but right now, this is good for now.