#i don't even know what's happening during races anymore hahaha

[soadoya]

you work in f1?!?!?! whats your job? how can we also get jobs there?

Yes I am a f1 store manager, my company has the exclusivity to sell the official merchandise at the tracks

[what-have-i-unleashed]

warning: terrible long yapping

(more serious warnings: heavy discussion of violence)

so it all started in 2015 when a little game called UNDERTALE came out. i was a middle-schooler back then in a periphery country who was way into weeb culture that it was inevitable i'd be one of the first people in my class to play it. it was really fun, especially when all of us gremlin children would sneak my newly gained gaming laptop (by 2015 standards lol) into the classroom so that we could take turns on battles of the touhou-esque bullet hell caliber. and like young delinquents, we did the no mercy route just to see what would happen, as so many other people on forums and whisper networks talked about this one very interesting and creepy aspect of the game.

after that, it was just a couple steps away from the rabbit hole that i fell into the undertale fandom. mind you, i was only passable with english back then, so most of my fandom interaction was with my countrymen and other friends who were also into fandom. we did theories, argued about interpretations, translated overseas fanworks, and messed around with game codes a lot just to, again, see what would happen. UNDERTALE was very much not just a game to us but an experience, and i remembered getting scared so bad when i accidentally encountered the anti-hacker message - messed me up for nights hahaha. but that was just being a fan to me.

it was, i think, months later when i heard about this funny thing called underfell. i thought it was stupid at first, but my friends started to really get into it. i had this one classmate who was super into undertale aus, and she would draw grillby from different continuities (mostly underfell) and share them with me. i was, admittedly, a bit bored with it, because to me the game still had so much more thing to discuss, so much more to explore. so why would you bother making new alternate universes out of it? i guess i was more into the alternate timelines than alternate universes (maybe still am a bit).

and then on a lunch break in 2016, one of my friends told me: "hey, so have you heard of this thing called dusttale on deviantart? i think you'd like it. it has the same vibes to tokyo ghoul."

mind you, that tokyo ghoul comment was a jab at my edgy taste. but i bit the bait and looked it up on deviantart and pinterest. and i was hooked.

so full disclaimer: i hated sans undertale lol. i was so happy whenever i got to kill him, and i think i killed him like at least 10 times during my time in school. like, i didn't even care about finishing the no mercy route - after i killed him, i just reset and started the whole game again. i was a menace of a child. so when i saw that dusttale was about how the human repeats the no mercy routes to the point that sans goes crazy, i was so interested. it felt like a condemnation of my actions in the game itself, but also a validation for the type of player that i was. it all felt so personal, all of it.

i guess part of it was that i felt i could finally be the one in power here - i was the one who broke sans, the normally chill and uncaring guy. it felt rebellious in a way, the way i could have more power over an adult. if you know my lore already, this won't be anything new - but i was somewhat of a child delinquent, and specifically i was in a small biker gang. i hung out with a lot of "cooler" older students (high-schoolers, college students) who often did illegal street racing. i was such a troublesome child, but like also it was a reprieve for me away from the stressful academic expectations placed upon me.

i guess in a way i have always been attracted to violence and the idea of it. i didn't understand why, and i don't think i even fully understand my psyche now. i got into fights a lot as a child, when the consequences were non-existent. i knew it too - that once i grew up, became of legal age, i couldn't do it anymore. i don't think i grew up in a violent background, but i was brought up in a more traditionally masculine culture, and i was also the eldest child. i often rough-housed with older kids and hung out at constructions, climbing dangerous places like the monkey kid that i was. i got hurt a lot, mostly by my own actions. i got hospitalized way too many times for my stupid mistakes, but i kept pushing and pushing it. i don't know how to say this delicately, but i think i had (and maybe still have) a complicated relationship with violence (especially on the body itself) that is way too personal to elaborate. to keep it short, i think over time i started to notice how i identify with some parts of murder sans and dusttale that hit way too close to home. that monotony of endless meaningless loops outside of his control, that addiction to never stopping the enjoyment, that rush of righteous retribution, that rationalization of destructive behaviors - murder sans feels like the player, like me.

admittedly, maybe i just simply like him because i have a history of liking edgy stories (read: tokyo ghoul). i wasn't and am not terribly embarrassed at being called an edgy edgelord, because it is accurate to a degree. i was so inundated with stereotypically edgy and emo culture artifacts that it just makes sense why i would be this way. and i think maybe it can be just that. so... lol.

who else wants to hear me explain in full why i like murder sans....... 😔