#i don't even know what some of my mental health issues are these fickle fucks never even say...

[abs0luteb4stard]

I HATE MY CONSTANT DECADES-LONG DYSPHORIA.

I WANT IT TURNED OFF NOW!

I have had no "joie de vivre" for a long time, if I ever had it. I can't tell if the bullying and PTSD killed that from me, or it just didn't exist.

I can't spend what I don't have, energy is a commodity like money. Time has already sailed away from me. And I dont have the fucking physical spoons with "CRONIC PHYSICAL × MENTAL" illness. It's to the point that I think DYSPHORIA is my personality type.

💀

I've given 20 years of "give this new doctor a try" for months and years. Nobody is any different because they're missing something. I don't know what, that's what they're supposed to figure out and fucking treat and guide me, no?

After the last psychiatrist doctor and having to do Ombudsman complaint because they are saying that I lied about missing my session and ambushed me with another doctor, and outwardly laughing at my not wanting to go with this new stranger because I'm afraid and my flying into a rage for calling me a liar, giving me an ultimatum of "do this or i won't treat you" and even both of them provoking me to more anger. With mocking laughter at me, escalating and provoking things, instead of calming things.

Is nobody equipped for curing me in 20+ years?

And that's not how it works. BUT I'm done paying for and wasting precious time on received wisdom.

They're just regurgitating this TV psychology style, self-help, hands-off bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like these cocksuckers are just keeping people from suicide because "we wouldn't want you hurting yourself or someone else" but not fixing anything. They just give you the anxiety meds and the talk session.

If you don't have the ability or the right resources to help me. Then send me someplace that does. Or are you just trying to keep a paying customer. And not cure a patient? Because you're too fucking inept.? Or what?

I don't want to hear it takes time. I've given 20+ years to this. I've been trying to fucking figure it out my whole life. On my own with my mom and dad —NO DAYS OFF, NO OTHER PATIENTS. I'm only so knowledgeable and Google ain't a fucking doctor that had to learn something.

I've decided a 4 session max with these new docs to show me SOMETHING, fix me, impress me, fuck me, I don't give a good godamn what you do.

Otherwise I'm going to beat the shit out of somebody. Okay? That's the NEW incentive. We're paying you, Move your ass, i don't give fuck if you have other patients or a family or have a fucking cat with AIDS.

You better use that moneyin giving you as a retainer to fix a bloody nose and black eye if you just stringing me along with treatment and talks and no insight or diagnosis or some godamn new information. I want that key that unlocks one of the prisons that my life had been in or else before I walk in kicking the fuck out you.

🫨😮‍💨😑

[asynca]

How do you stay... motivated isn't the right word, because motivation's fickle, but... I struggle severely with executive dysfunction as well as being unable to focus on any one thing for too long (Too Long™ is relative, in that some activities/projects I can do for 6-12 hours at a time every day for a week, but others I can't manage more than once every six months). I don't know if it's a problem for you at all, but do you have any advice on how to self-regulate and maintain a healthy workflow?

You know, I used to never struggle with this stuff! I do these days, too. I think a lot of it has to do with three things: 

1. Treating mental health issues with therapy and/or meds

Maybe some people can write while depressed, but I fucking can’t. I can’t write a word when I’m not well emotionally - and so if mental health is something you struggle with, 100% get that treated and managed before you beat yourself up over not being able to be creative. 

Furthermore, I had trauma related to my writing which took me a good 18 months to work through (to be honest, I’m still working through it), and it would have been silly to expect myself to be productive while I still had bad associations with writing. 

2. Being honest with yourself about the fact you’re a human being with a finite amount of energy

Ever noticed how some people seem to LONG to write and write voraciously and hungrily and never stop, turning out thousands and thousands of words a week? Did you used to be like that? 

Much like some people are extroverts (energised by others) and some people are introverts (energised by being alone), some writers are energised and rejuvenated by writing, and some writers are energised and rejuventated from taking a break from writing. You’ll probably move in and out of both types during your life. While you’re in the phase where writing motivates, inspires and rejuvenates you and you just can’t stop writing: fucking ride it because it’s not permanent. 

If you’re in the other usually longer phase, where you sort of enjoy writing (and maybe really enjoy another aspect of it, for example sharing your work with others), be honest with yourself. You’re not going to be able to write like Type A Voracious Word Monster, because it doesn’t matter if Word Monster is exhausted from whatever all day, if writing is building their energy rather than depleting it, they’re always going to out-write you. Instead, you’re going to need long breaks and probably to force yourself to start when you’ve planned to start. That’s okay: but don’t have unrealistic expectations for yourself. 

If you’ve been at work all day in a job that really uses your head, if you’ve been counselling a friend who’s depressed from a breakup, if things are quite difficult in your life right now: you can’t expect yourself to just come home and put in another 6 hours of writing. Your brain starts with 100% energy and various things deplete it. If you’re stuck on a battery alert, don’t beat yourself up about it. 

You have a finite amount of energy. When you’re not in the writing phase where your energy is rejuvenated by writing, you must, must, must be honest with yourself. Maybe force yourself to do a balanced amount of writing (say, 500 words or an hour, whichever comes first which is what I do), and then forgive yourself and let yourself rest. 

Balance is important in your life. It takes time (and sometimes aging) to help you realise that you are not a writing machine. Just because you have 6 hours left before you sleep, doesn’t mean you’re going to be able to use any of them to write if your brain is fried from life. 

Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t write right now. Relax. Enjoy something else. It’s okay. Plug your brain into a game, or a book, or watching netflix or hanging out with friends. Come back to writing when you have more charge. 

3. Maybe you just really don’t want to write that particular thing

Trust me on this: there’s always something people really want me to write. Something that there’s a lot of hype about, that people are nagging me for: and I want to give people what they want! I want to write something everyone will enjoy! I’m excited people are looking forward to it! But try as I might I just– can’t write it. 

I really think I want to write this thing, I’ve convinced myself it’s my ticket back to being a Word Monster, but it’s not. It’s not making my heart sing. I’m not lying in bed imagining what happens next. I can hardly write a fucking word on it, and when I do, it’s like wading through mud. 

I often find writing something else is like flicking a switch. Suddenly, the writing is happening again and it’s effortless. 

Sometimes, even though you think you want to write the thing, you actually don’t. 

IN SUMMARY 

Sometimes what feels like executive dysfunction is actually a normal brain that you’re trying to work too hard. Sometimes what feels like executive dysfunction is a normal brain that really just doesn’t want to write what you’re trying to make it write. Sometimes what feels like executive dysfunction IS exactly that and you need to get it treated before you progress. 

Aim for balance. Aim to understand what energises you and what depletes you, and how to recognise and manage these two types of activities. You can’t ‘switch on’ Word Monster mode, and you goal shouldn’t be to do that. If it happens, great, but don’t aim for it. Aim to integrate writing into your life in a way that makes it add to your life rather than stressing you out and pressuring you.

But most of all, don’t beat yourself up. You’re only human, and you’re doing the best you can with the knowledge of yourself you current have