#i don’t think i ever reblogged this bc the image never would load but oh my GOD

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hopefully tumblr doesnt eat this p.1 again! Its been so long since Ive dropped by and said hello to one of my favorite people so hello Coon! I feel like Ive been so busy I dont have time to drop bye and say hello these days How are you? Are you doing well? I hope you are bc you deserve so much happiness. I also wanted to do a status update on the fact that Im now writing again! I took a longer break than I thought I would but hey Im now more motivated than ever so I guess it all worked out ^^

I AM 

A HORRIBLE, ULTIMATELY TERRIBLE RACCOON.

JAZ.

IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE YOU LAST DROPPED THIS IN MY INBOX AND I’M JUST REPLYING NOW.

AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? IT’S NOT EVEN THAT I DIDN’T HAVE TIME.

I JUST. I PUT THIS IN MY DRAFTS SO THAT THE SECOND ASK, THE BIT IN THE IMAGE, WOULD BE SAFE EVEN IF DELETED FROM THE COMPUTER (LIKE IT HAPPENED TO MY OTHER ASKS)

AND SINCE THEN I DIDN’T BOTHER GOING TO MY DRAFTS.

AND I FORGOT THIS WAS HERE.

JAZ.

JAZ OMG

JAZ PLEASE HIT ME WITH A NEWSPAPER I’M A HORRIBLE CREATURE HOW IN THE W O R L D COULD I FORGET TO REPLY TO YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

*PUNCHES THROUGH THE WALL*

*SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK*

*EXPLODES*

ALKSJDALKFJGADLKGJAGLKAGJAD

Okay you let me add a keep reading right here aaah ;A;

Oh my god, Jaz….Jaz I’m so sorry, I don’t even know where to start apologizing, I’m so sorry. I honestly forgot and that’s the worst part. If I had been busy for real I would have had an excuse at least, but the truth was just that; I put this in my drafts and then forgot it was there. I rarely check my drafts because that’s where I put stuff that I want to reblog at some point but don’t know when because it’s not FFXV related so I just wait until I’m done with the XV reblogs but I never am, and I just assumed everything in drafts was stuff to reblog, I totally forgot there was an ask here that I hadn’t replied to and that it was yours, I’m so sorry, so, so, so sorry, Jaz… :(

I don’t offer an excuse and if you’re upset you have all the rights to be, I understand. Jesus, it’s been a while since Ir eplied this and I mean, there are asks in my inbox that are like a year old but those are prompts or requests and it’s fine, but yours was a personal and it’s been so long for me to answer to it aklsdjalkgjadklgja omg Jaz I’m so sorry….

I’m sorry, Jaz, very sincerely. Zomg…I’m sorry OTL

Well. Still answering ahah ;w;

HEWWO JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Akjdlsafdgalkfjaklhj hhhnnnngnggg. HEWWO JAZ!!! ;w; I’m sorry OTL

Don’t worry about being busy. Real life is already super busy as it is and then we get here and it can get sort of ‘busy’ in its own non-serious way too! I hope that whatever’s been keeping you /kept you busy has given you a break from time to time and that it’s something you enjoy.

I’m doing well! A little ‘busy’ in the non-serious way trying to nail down all my PMs and asks (I’ve lately had a quite excited anon flooding me ahahahah! It’s lovely but keeps me super busy because each I answer gets drowned by another incoming 5 ;w;) and the reblogs and the fics. I’m having funa nd take my breaks to make it enjoyable and not turn it into something I dislike, but hence it goes slower. And out of Tumblr I’m doing okay too! 

How have you been, dear Jaz? Besides WAITING FOR MY ASK OTLHave  yuo been alright? And happy? I wonder what else you’ve been up to since you last wrote to me!! Hoping sincerely that it’s been okay with you too because you too deserve SO MUCH HAPPINES LIKE LOADS OF IT!!!!!!! You’re such a nice and good person that does no harm to others, you deserve all em happy things and events. U HAVE ALL IT GOOD KARMA, MY FRIEND!!!

GASPS

YOU’VE BEEN WRITING AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAZ, THAT’S PHENOMENAL! THAT’S ABOSLUTELY WONDERFUL, AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, JAZ, I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU AND ABOUT IT, I’M SO HAPPY AND SO PROUD TO KNOW THAT YOU’VE TAKEN UP ON SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE WRITING, AND MORE THAN TAKING UP, RETAKING BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU USED TO ENJOY IT, LEFT IT FOR SOME REASON, AND YOU RETOOK IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM*

*EXPLODES*

Jaz, that’s WONDERFUL NEWS!!!! Omg buddy that’s fantastic, you have no idea how happy it makes me when someone says they’ve taken up/retaking a form of art. It’s so beautiful and so exciting, and you’re a friend so that adds a lot to the hype!! Jaz, that’s AMAZING! CONGRATS, BUDDY, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!! ( ˙꒳​˙ )

It’s okay that you took a longer break than you had first expected. Be it because you were busy or just lacking the motivation, it’s okay! What matters is that you went back to it and you must have felt so refreshed and welcomed back. The warmest welcoming is the one given after a long wait (but thankfully it wasn’t THAT long either!!). Plus, you took all the time that you needed to get back to it so it means you’re not forcing a single bit of it and that’s PHENOMENAL!!

I’m so happy to know that you’re motivated now, Jaz, all of this is honestly SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY :’3 AKLSJDLAKDGJADLKGJAGLKAJGA AAAAAAAHHHHHH, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!

I guess the first time you sent the first part you were telling me what you were writing, so I don’t know for sure what you meant with hoping that one day I can read ‘it’, but I’d love to! I’m very slow at reading things because of the massive updates I do to my fics, but I think that I’d love to. Is it XV related? Original content? I’d get lost if it’s from something that I don’t know, but I can still try if you want me to

Aaah, thank you for asking about the laptop! Lamentably I’m nowhere close to getting a new one. They’re pretty expensive. I’m fine with one of the cheapest because all I want is basic internet access and MS Word lmao, but they’re still quite a price number and I have no job >

I thought about using the money that I’ve saved up from my kofis, but…to be honest, I’m being consciously selfish there, because I don’t want to waste my kofi money in ¼ of the price of the laptop… ;n; I want the kofi money to be mine for games or books, it’s money I’ve earned from doing what I love and I wanted it to go to selfish things, but I’m still debating with myself as to maybe having to put it for the laptop ahaha ;w;

Again, don’t feel bad for being busy!! Real life stuff is more important, and Tumblr isn’t going anywhere (not without a long time warning that we’ve never had, thankfully!), so don’t you stress. I for sure am going nowhere, so you take the time that you need and want :3

And don’t say you’re ‘not keeping me for longer’, because it’s not like you’re taking my time by force, dear Jaz!! You texting to me is a kind gift to me so you’re not taking any time off me, you’re taking YOUR time!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, JAZ, I’VE MISSED YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*sQUEEZES U*

Sweet precious wonderful dear Jaz, thank you soooooooooooooooo LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOR DROPPING BY TO SAY HELLO AND SHARE ALL OF THIS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, I don’t even know where to start, I’m sorry for taking so long, and thank you immensely for dropping by, my friend!! ;A;

Thank you for the time you dedicated to writing to me and the one to read me. It sounds like you’ve been very busy and I really appreciate that you’ve taken some time to write to me, you have no idea :’(

Thank you for updating me on what you’ve been up to, and thank you for sharing with me that you’ve retaken your writing!! Those news made me so happy, and re reading still makes me feel shivers out of the joy askldjfdaklgjaklgjadglkj

Thank you for being as kind and as gentle as you always are with me. You’re so precious and I hope you know that. You’re always so nice and patient and so good with me, I don’t know how to express it enough or how to let you know or how to thank you properly :’3 Thank you so much for being the sweet and warm creature that you are, Jaz. You’re truly phenomenal and I’m very happy that you exist. The world can very easily wear me out, and it’s creatures like you that relieve it off my shoulders. Thank you

I’ve missed you SO MUCH TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I re fave both your artworks I think about you and I was wondering what you were doing and if you were okay. And there I was, forgetting that it was me who never replied... :’D Really, seriously, I’m so sorry, Jaz, I didn’t mean to take this long... OTL 

I hope that you’ve been okay, Jaz! Have you been okay and doing better? How’s the writing going? I’m eager to hear about you again, buddy!! :3

I WUV U TOO, JAAAAAAAAAAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALKSDJAKLGDJDAKLGJDAGLKDAJ AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH, LOTS OF HUGS FOR MAH BUDDY JAZ!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ

Dear Jaz, I hope you’re having a FANTASTIC weekend, and do receive lots of raccoonie hugs and sparkles!! HUGZ

[wordsablaze]

Chapter Seventeen: Trust

Cinder’s life revolved around the garage, working as a mechanic, until that one male student came in looking for a Mercedes and changed her life… AU AH Kaider story. Enjoy!

A/N: Want a fic? I posted this elsewhere 3 months ago and only just found out as i was posting another chapter, ahh, sorry!! Not that anyone cares but still. Also, this was a right pain to format on mobile, ugh.

Cinder's heart falters as she watches Kai literally stumble away from their conversation.

She can't think after he leaves, she can't get the image of his contained tears out of her mind, she can't focus on anything other than what could have happened. She doesn't even trust herself to try and come up with a plan for the rest of the day.

"Cinder?" Iko asks tentatively, clearly sensing that something is wrong.

"Hey, Iko," Cinder replies, sighing.

Iko raises an eyebrow and places her hands on her hips. "Alright, spill. What happened with Mr Sexy Barista?"

Cinder cracks a small smile at the title but then shakes her head again. "It's nothing."

"If that were true, you wouldn't still be polishing that wrench ten minutes later."

She blushes, caught oil-handed, and places said wrench on the table, sighing as she turns to Iko with a grateful look. "He left."

"He broke up with you?" Iko asks, her voice neutral but her eyes threatening to explode with rage.

Quickly, Cinder shakes her head. "No!"

Iko's relief is honestly almost as intense as Cinder's curiosity. By the time Cinder's thrown out some explanatory words and Iko has understood the situation, the two of them are equally as confused about and worried for Kai.

Cinder stays silent as Iko paces and mutters things to herself because, while she can usually work out people's motives and judge their character, she's absolutely rubbish at figuring out emotions and feelings, especially when it's someone she actually likes, even more so when it's someone she truly cares about.

"If I had to guess," Iko says eventually, "I'd say it wasn't anything you did directly."

"Iko, there was nobody else here, who else could it have been?"

"No, I mean, you probably just reminded him of something else. If it was you, he wouldn't have made an effort to be polite before leaving, would he?"

"I don't know; people are confusing."

Iko snorts in amusement but recovers quickly, clearing her throat. "Look, he'll come back. Just wait for him."

Cinder bites her lip but she knows Iko is intelligent and can be trusted when it comes to boys so she nods and exhales. Well, she nods, exhales and stops whatever she's trying to achieve by passive-aggressively cleaning random tools. Iko finds someone to cover for her and she trudges back to the place she wishes she didn't have to call home. Luckily, Adri has no chores for her yet so she can go back to her room, almost missing the fact that her laptop is back on her bed.

"What?" she asks the air, then scrambles to plug the laptop in and switch it on.

As soon as the home screen fades into view, she opens tumblr, needing to message Kai, needing to ask him if he's okay. The ten seconds it takes for the website to load could be ten years for how slow they seem to go by but it matters not because then she's logged in and finding Kai's blog like it's a second nature to her.

-kai?

-are you okay?

And then, after a moment's hesitation...

-did i do something wrong?

Not surprisingly, she doesn't immediately get a reply back.

It takes over an hour for a reply to come through, during which Cinder aimlessly rearranges her room and makes sure everything is organised enough to satisfy even the pickiest of the organised. She jumps when she sees the little light flashing even though she'd been expecting it to happen.

-My apologies for leaving so abruptly.

-I needed to clear my head.

-You did nothing wrong, don't worry, princess!

-are u sure?

-Of course.

-im almost sure ur just saying that to make me feel better

-What a ridiculous suggestion...

-it's ok, you don't have to tell me anything

-just...

-i'm sorry, ok?

-A comma? You must be sincere.

-Thank you.

-shut up

-Make me!

Cinder blinks. She's only ever seen couples say that to each other, and it's usually just before they kiss or something. She doesn't know what she's meant to say to that, whether she's expected to do something romantic in return, and she's about to panic when Kai saves her.

-Did I do it right?

-I've seen people say that and I figured it was a more interesting response than a simple denial.

-My apologies if I did it wrong.

-u scared me

-I scared you?

-i dont know why i told you that. nvm

-If it's any help, you don't need to make me shut up. I'm not even talking...

-oh, bc ur typing?

-very original

-It worked, didnt it?

-depends

-You stopped being scared, right?

She laughs. He's right, it did work. She replaced her anxiety with exasperation and it worked. If it was anyone else, she'd probably be annoyed at them having figured her out so quickly. For some reason or the other, she finds herself being amused at Kai instead of irked, and she appreciates him instead of being irritated with him. She makes a mental note to ask Iko about that tomorrow before shifting her attention back to Kai's message.

-you wish

-Goodnight, Princess.

-And thank you.

-For understanding.

-are u okay? ur using three messages for one sentence

-I'm slightly in a rush...

-so ur solution is to send more messages?

-No, my solution is to send fragments.

-So that I don't leave you with awkward silence.

-I really have to go.

-Can't wait to check up on the car!

-me too

-okay i guess ur gone

-bye

Cinder's mind immediately tells her that saying 'me too' was a bad idea but she ignores it, instead focusing on her relief that Kai is okay.

She shuts the computer down so no battery is wasted and flops down onto her bed, sighing happily. She's done a lot of happy sighing lately, mostly because of Kai and his adorable eccentricities, but she won't complain because she likes the rush of warmth in her heart every time she sees his smile, the comfort she finds in his eyes, the sparks she feels every time they're close to one another.

With a start, she realises she might have found someone to trust. Trust doesn't come easily to her but, with Kai, she's all but ready to give him everything. And it scares her. Cinder's trust is the key to a friendship with her but it's also a weapon that she's giving away, making herself vulnerable. As her eyes become heavy and start to close, she just hopes that trusting Kai won't be a mistake. She hopes it's worth it in the end and, frankly, she'd never hoped for anything more.

like/reblog but don't repost, thanks!

[smoketexture]

Hello everyone! These are some tips I wish I had known when I first got into the community. Warning: this got longer than intended, sorry! I tried to divide it into well separated sections, so it’d be easier for you to read only the parts that interest you!

Original content:

I think the best way to get your studyblr known is by posting original content, this can be either pictures of your journal, your notes, your stationery, etc. If you don’t feel like pictures are your thing, you could make advice masterposts or share little tricks and hacks that have helped you through your studies or your life in general.

Take nice pictures: 1) The trick here is to take your pictures near a window where the sun isn’t hitting directly on what you want to photograph (you can try direct sunlight as well, but I think if the sun’s too bright then you won’t be able to see what’s written on white paper). 2) A nice background makes all the difference. I personally prefer white backgrounds, so I just use my desk. BUT if you don’t have any white surfaces, you can create one by just laying down a few sheets of paper (that’s what I did for this post). Lots of people also use their bed sheets or duvets as background and it looks amazing as well! 3) Flatlays seem to be quite popular and they make the picture look very neat, aand you don’t need many photographic skills to pull it off, so I’d say it’s the best choice for taking pictures.

Edit pictures: If you’ve already taken your picture next to a window or in a well lighten environment, then you probably don’t need to edit it all that much (not that you ever have to edit your pictures, but it does make them look a bit more aesthetically pleasing and professional I’d say?). So if you still want to edit them (which I do), then I’d recommend the Snapseed app (available for Apple and Android), that’s the one I use, It’s free and it has a LOT of editing options. I also have the VSCO app (x x), which I downloaded because a lot of people here have recommended it, but I don’t really use it. You can play around with both apps and decide which one works best for you! (Oh and yes, like most of use here, I use my phone to take pictures).

Tag other blogs: Some people track a specific tag (usually their blog url, but not always, in which case they tend to clarify it somewhere in their blog). This is a great way for people to check out your content and then they might share it if they like it. There are some blogs who reblog everything they are tagged in, but I’d say this is the minority. If you’re not sure whether someone tracks their tag, then you can always ask them!

Trends: In the studyblr community there tend to be certain trends, such as a specific type of calligraphy, specific brands, etc. So there’s basically two paths here: You can choose to follow these trends and make your bujo spreads look like most journals look at that moment. This probably will make people reblog your stuff because that’s what everyone’s into. Another option is to go on the exact opposite direction and make your content completely different than everyone else’s in order to make it stand out more. Honestly, I don’t think one way’s better than the other, you’ll slowly figure out what makes you feel happier about your journal/notes. However, DO NOT copy someone else’s work and claim it as your own. You can get inspired by certain styles, yes, but if you replicate something somebody else made, then that’s stealing. That being said, lots of people recreate a bujo spread (for example) and then properly credit the person who originally made it, in which case I think it’s okay, but it’s always safer to ask for permission first.

Masterposts: There’s mainly two ways to make a masterpost: 1) You can make an original one with recommendations or tips you come up with yourself. My advice here would be to think of actually useful tips, do not just write whatever seems like the right thing to say, but instead use your own experience to think of tips that have indeed helped you in the past. 2) If coming up with advice is not your thing, you can gather around other people’s advice and provide links to their posts (they don’t even need to be from Tumblr blogs) in an organized structure that makes it easy for people to skim through and find what they’re looking for! Btw, even if you’re a studyblr, your posts don’t have to be all exclusively study related. There are some really good masterposts about mental health, moving out on your own, meal recipes, etc.

Stay visible:

One of the good things about the studyblr community is that most people won’t unfollow you just because you weren’t active for a certain period of time, we all understand that sometimes life (study related or not) just gets busy and it’s okay to take some time for yourself. BUT at the same time it’s true that in order to get your content around, you need to stay active to a certain extent.

Queue your posts: You can even do some research to find out when it’s the best time of the day to post something and on which days of the week and set your queue to those hours.

Interact with others: This helps to get your blog known AND it’s a great way to meet people in the community! There are loads of ways in which to do this: 1) Simply send someone a message and start a conversation with them, ask them about their day or tell them about yours. 2) Join a network. I’ve never been in one myself (bc shyness hey) but they do sound fun! 3) Try doing other people’s “challenges”, for which they usually provide a tag for you to use so they can check out your posts for the challenge. 4) Tag people in these little games that go around, like this bold tag thingy (I think that’s the only example I have).

Blog aesthetics:

In order to make your blog more appealing, make sure you spend some time on your theme and icon. If they go well together, it will create an organized layout, which tends to catch people’s eyes and make it more likely for them to check out your content.

Theme: The possibilities are endless. Whichever style you prefer, there’s definitely a theme that goes with it. Personally speaking, I love neat, soft-colored themes. I believe organization is key, if your links and information are easily accesible, then that adds up to your blog for sure! Here are a few theme makers whose content I’ve been using lately: @acuite, @cyantists, @felinum, @odeysseus, @pohroro​, @roxiestheme​. In addition, you can find a lot of great themes here: @theme-hunter​ (they even classify the themes by style, post size, etc.).

Icon: This is the door to your blog, people see it on their dash and use it to identify you. Some people make free icons for you to use, but I personally prefer making my own. Don’t worry, you don’t need to be super skilled or even use Photoshop for this. 1) I usually use Canva to make my icons or banners. They have lots of templates for you to use as a guide, or you can start your design from scratch. They do require you to register with an email, but it’s free yay (unless you want to pay for some special designs, but, honestly, their free stuff is more than enough to create whatever you need). 2) Flaticon is another website which provides a TON of icons and pictures that you can use (you do not have to pay to download the images, but you DO have to properly credit whoever made them).

Be consistent: Choose whichever content you’d like to post and stick to it. Not everyone is this picky, but some people only follow blogs whose posts belong to a certain category (studyblr, fandoms, fitness, clothes, etc.). This doesn’t mean you can’t post an occasional random post, though. Don’t restrict yourself, but do try to keep you content consistent.

Balance:

Life’s all about balance. Regarding your studyblr, I think there are mainly two aspects in which you need to apply this.

Studying vs. keeping a blog: Yes, studyblrs can be helpful when it comes to your studies (there is a lot of advice going around and, personally, it helps me to stay motivated and makes me want to do better). However, at the end of the day it’s still a Tumblr blog, which means you can spend hours and hours here without even realizing it, so be careful not to lose yourself in the wonderful journals and unbelievably neat notes that the community has to offer, because then you won’t end up doing any of your work.

Aesthetics vs. functionality: You’ve probably seen those posts which reassure you that your notes & journal are made to increase your productivity so there’s no need for you to make them pretty if that’s not your thing. I’m not going to preach you on that, we all know it’s true. However, It frustrates me a little bit that on that kind of posts, they never seem to acknowledge the fact that some of us spend time making our notes and journals pretty because it’s actually helpful for us. I’m less likely to want to study from my notes if they’re all messy and lifeless, so I spend time on them. Regarding my journal, whether I keep it extremely simple or make it super fancy and decorated, it would serve its purpose either way. BUT, spending time decorating my journal is what helps me unwind at the end of the week. So, no, I don’t spend time on my journal because that’s going to help me achieve my goals, I spend time on it because it helps me to relax and get away from the world for a little while. Not everything we do needs to have an academic purpose.

Hope you can take some advice from this and that you all have a lovely day! 🌿

[10gravity]

long post, personal//

Something I’ve kinda realized now (after what…. 6 years now?) is that I keep coming back to this website bc it’s somewhere I can vent and now it’s at the point where I feel compelled to vent here and nowhere else. I mean, yeah, there is the fact that this is literally the only piece of Internet space I have that isn’t connected to ANY irl people at all but? I don’t know if this is healthy anymore tbh, like…. I have a best friend?? I have someone I call best friend and someone who calls me best friend but how do I call her that when I don’t even tell her half the personal shit that goes on with me all the time? I’ve been questioning myself for years and years if I had depression ever since I found out the thing existed?? I have so many untold stories and pent-up feelings abt my mother and my friends and my self-image that I just,,, keep totally locked up and away from everyone I know irl. I feel comfortable telling internet strangers so many things but lately I’ve been wondering: well, why? Why is that?

I feel ok telling tumblr followers just bc people don’t interact with me. I don’t talk to people on a regular basis here, I don’t reach out, people don’t send me asks and I just? Stay isolated. I’m not even saying this to blame anyone like that’s literally just a me thing. God knows how many text posts I’ve ever scrolled past lmao. It’s hard to reach out and get personal on this site.

But then it’s like, well, okay….. why is THAT then? Why do I need to know I won’t get a response when I talk about myself? Do I only feel comfortable talking abt my feelings when I can pretend I’m not actually talking to another person, that no one’s actually there to listen?? Because I can’t even handle talking about my most personal feelings to strangers that I know won’t judge me so it can’t just be the fear of being judged holding me back. Ik it’s there lmao I’m just saying it’s not the /only/ thing, ya know? I want conversation with someone I’ve known for a while and feel totally comfortable around but I know what the fucked up thing is? I don’t actually have a person like that. It’s the strangest thing, it’s like internally engrained in me - oops no can’t talk to ppl that don’t know you they can’t fully get it if they don’t actually know you irl…. but at the same time i would rather actually choke then ever tell an irl person abt anything ever?? The closest I’ve gotten were fucking terrifying and only cause they happened to catch me in the middle of being too upset to care??

But back to my point,,,,, I guess what I’m getting at is that I think I’m realizing that I’m kind of in this self-made box rn bc I don’t want to talk to irl ppl abt Things bc they know me but I don’t want to talk to internet ppl abt Things bc they don’t know me like wtf knowing me or not can’t be the only reason but idk! what! that other reason is supposed to be!

And idek if I should stay on tumblr anymore bc on one hand it’s how I cope, and this account is much better (I went back the other day and holy crap I had such a depressing dash?? My personal tag is LOADED on that thing) but on the other hand idk how much it contributes to me letting myself get immersed in Sad bc boy oh boy is it real easy to look up so many emo posts…. haha….. I mean, I’m glad that I decided to remake as a full-time exo blog bc I just focus on pretty pictures of ppl I like and dumb memes and screaming about exo legends only instead of worrying abt which irl person is gonna go “why is there a kpop boy on my dash” and which person is gonna see my personal reblogs and scroll past again or maybe respond or /now/, if _____ is gonna see even though we both blocked each other and I haven’t been on in months :^)))))))))))

And idk why exactly I’m deciding to post this here instead of my private side blog lmao (yes….. I even have one of those in a space where no one knows me irl gjdksksks) but I guess I’m just trying smthg new? I’ve never really shared my thought process in a long ass post like this before and also I’m kinda feeling weird oddly un-feely kind of funky rn so maybe that’s also that at work here lmao 😂 I do this on peach all the time so I guess I could do it here? Idk. I’ve been considering starting up a journal again to keep more of my thoughts offline and maybe help with getting less attached to my phone…. if I don’t need to vent online then I don’t need to reach for tumblr & peach every single time something happens right?? Idk. Journals can’t really keysmash back at me :/ also they’re not around n available 24/7 sooo :/

Idk. You’re not obligated to like this. If you’ve read this far (LOL sry) bc ur like me,,,, a curious bicth,,,, you don’t have to like or whatever I’m literally just putting this out here for the sake of having it out here.