#i do think i'm actually fairly happy with the end result though for once so yay

[koinotame]

quick apology fic to xiao for missing his bday </3 which doubles as a character study of xiao and an exploration of how you as the player interact with the self aware characters in self aware au

it’s been a couple of weeks since you last used him.

or has it only been several days? whether it’s days or years, it all feels like the blink of an eye to him. the flow of time is somewhat of a nebulous concept for someone like him, especially since you first appeared.

it doesn’t matter. however long you take to come back, xiao will wait dutifully for you.

he spends most of his time when you’re not making use of him subjugating threats around liyue and fighting off any unwanted foes. perhaps you’ll come back faster if the area is freer of enemies. you’re kind, after all. you seem much happier when it’s peaceful.

lately, when there’s no demons for him to quell, he’s found himself returning to the same spot on wangshu inn’s upper balcony. it’s the spot you always drop him off at before disappearing. it’s not the place at the top of the inn’s roof he’d pick on his own, though you do sometimes take him up there as well.

you’re not actually there, but if he closes his eyes it almost feels like you are.

his birthday was a couple days ago. as usual, the traveller had suggested he write you a letter. as usual, he wasn’t sure what he could possibly convey to you that you would be happy to receive.

the traveller insisted anything from him would make you happy, but xiao doubts that.

it’s easier when you’re here. it’s easier when you’re here and he can submit himself entirely to you and doesn’t have to think for himself.

he’s been dreaming more lately, particularly of you. he doesn’t know what you look like, and after he wakes up he can never quite remember what you looked like in his dreams.

waking up after dreaming of you is always hard for xiao. it’s shameful how badly he wants to go back to dreaming of doing such mundane things with you, and it’s disgraceful how long it takes him to pick himself back up afterwards.

he wonders if you’d like doing dull things like that with someone like him.

he wonders if he deserves that.

probably not.

he left the letter at the railing of that same—your—spot, along with a serving of his almond tofu (he might not like dreaming, but he hopes your dreams are as sweet as his have been lately), some dream solvent (the traveller had mentioned you seemed to want more) and a small bundle of qixing (you frequently go out of your way to collect it).

you never touch it.

…after a couple days, he decided to move the offering to his room. it stays there, on his windowsill where the sun touches it in a way that reminds him of your warmth, untouched.

it doesn’t matter, he tells himself. he’ll wait for you for as long as you want. even if another thousand years pass before you appear again, he’ll continue his duty and wait.

and then he blinks and suddenly finds himself in front of the adventurer’s guild in the court of fontaine.

another blink and he’s back at wangshu inn, this time heading towards the kitchen. the familiar aura of your possession fills him with a warmth he doesn’t think exists outside of you. he zones out for what feels no longer than a couple seconds, and suddenly there’s thirty servings of almond tofu in front of him.

your mood drops.

dissatisfaction seeps through you and into him. something deep in his gut squirms.

you set a large amount of sweet flowers to boil, then seem to fuss with something he can’t quite see or grasp. smiley yanxiao gives him a curious look, but doesn’t (cannot) comment any further.

in another couple of seconds—your teleportation hardly fazed him when you first started using him, let alone now when he’s so used to your presence—he’s in front of the liyuean general goods store. you buy up the entire stock of milk, and only milk.

your mood hasn’t improved. if anything, you seem even more downcast.

the milk dissipates as soon as it’s been bought, safely held in your near infinite storage.

he’s behind mondstadt’s hotel next, jumping down the railing and towards the local general goods store. again, you buy up all the milk. next you head for the good hunter (is that what it’s called? he thinks that’s what the traveller called it some time ago) and purchase as much of their sugar as you can.

tendrils of something truly unpleasant move upwards and wrap around his neck.

he finds himself in wangshu inn’s kitchen again. barely any of the sweet flowers have been processed, but you take the two packs of sugar anyway. you put him to work immediately.

usually, he finds the process of cooking much to tedious and drawn out. with you, he doesn’t mind.

you seem a bit more satisfied this time, and xiao finds himself ashamed of having made a few more of his specialty dish instead of only regular almond tofu like you’d wanted him to.

while you seem a bit happier now, he still finds himself in front of inazuma’s goods store. again, you buy all the milk. you talk to the restaurant owner up the stairs afterwards. some confusion creeps into him through you, but it doesn’t last long.

he’s in sumeru next. more milk makes its way into your inventory, and you visit the local tavern for good measure, though this time you don’t buy anything at all.

exiting the building, you seem to notice there’s a stove just outside of it and walk over in excitement… and straight into the clay oven.

a sharp pang of panic shoots through him and he jerks backwards. it takes him a second to realise it’s your panic.

immediately, you pull the astrologer from mondstadt out and have her set down her little hydro puppet. you then walk him through it, which does absolutely nothing except soak his clothes.

your panic doesn’t subside.

i’m sorry.

he blinks and finds himself in front of dihua marsh’s statue of the seven, the fire and the tinge it brought with it disappearing in seconds.

it’s rare to be able to make out what you’re actually saying as opposed to just feeling your vague emotions and intentions. are you that worried about him not performing up to standard with this little damage?

he’s yours to use. a little singe like that would never hold him back.

you don’t bother with fontaine.

something like shame curls up his body and makes a home near his ears.

soon after, he’s back at the inn’s kitchen again. yanxiao doesn’t even look in his direction this time as he gets back to work under your guidance, making even more almond tofu. he makes sure to take greater care to avoid displeasing you again.

your mood doesn’t pick up this time, but you seem to have calmed down a little. he’s not sure why (or what use you could possibly have for so much almond tofu), but it’s a small comfort.

part of him wishes he could be there with you properly to comfort you, but he knows better.

he might be your formidable weapon, but that’s all he is. he has no false illusions about his role or purpose to you, no matter how much he wishes he could be the one you turn to for comfort. he isn’t suited to something so delicate. he’s accepted that a long time ago.

your dejection doesn’t retract, even as you move him around a bit more.

then you sit him down at a table at the inn’s terrace and pull out a plate of his specialty.

your presence lingers for a bit, envelops him like a gentle dream, then falls through the cracks of his existence and disappears.

happy birthday, xiao.

he wonders if he deserves this much effort from you for something as inconsequential as his birthday.

probably not.

he hopes he’ll dream of this next.

[aotopmha]

I finished the Pandemonium raid series.

I thought Anabaseios was solid.

P9N and P12N are great.

I feel P10N and P11N have the same issues P6N and P7N fell into except to a lesser extent because I like them more.

P9's expanding and contracting donuts and circles were a ton of fun. And I really liked how Kokytos embodying different creatures changed his attacks. Super neat identity to the fight.

P10 was a similar case to P7 in that it had a really unique arena, but this time around I think the dodging was much more interesting and there was at least something that used the arena.

P11 is the weakest fight in Anabaseios, I think. The light/dark balance mechanic did some neat stuff because you had to stay in it and think about area denial a bit, but like a lot of Abyssos, I feel it should've had more mechanics, which were more complex and executed at a faster rate. You had something there, but the boss died before it truly got to stand out. I think I still like it more than P6N and P7N, though because this one specific idea was there "all the way through" and actually evolved, giving it a stronger identity than those fights.

P12 is my favourite fight in Pandemonium, I think, cool manipulation of platforms, neat play on donuts and circles, little bit of memory game dodging. A complete fight where different mechanics actively happened and evolved.

In terms of story, I think this was the most dense part. There were so many element happening at once and I think all of it tied together everything that came before.

We got an answer for what was going on with the Heart of Sabik (which in turn also made Ivalice relevant, which I'm super happy for because it at least made that slog matter).

It made Athena an actual character and she ended up being one of my favourite villains at the very least within all of the raid series because female villains often don't get to be smart or competent, much less have interesting motivations that aren't tied to their gender.

She is a fairly straight-forward as a personality, but the motivations we do get have a bunch of depth – they are tied to the ancients' search for perfection.

She is a foil to Venat's faith in humanity within their imperfection and her belief in humanity's freedom, instead wishing to build a perfect world within her singular vision; another twisted result of the ancients' belief in bettering their world by removing imperfect elements from it.

In a contrast to Hermes who chose to "test" humanity, she takes it upon herself to "perfect" humanity.

She is another result of the flaws of the ancients' society (in conjuction with alien influence, of course, because that always makes things a lot more fun). I dig her character a bunch.

Equally, I love how this final wing of the raid completes the character of Elidibus in its entirety.

I think he's like the perfect morally gray villain because in the end the faction that summoned Zodiark also wished for the world to be saved.

The Ascians were no different from Venat's faction in terms of motivation.

And I love how up to the end, the story is empathetic towards this idea and the character embodying the iconic Warrior of Light image does end up saving the world.

If he wasn't defeated and his aether and being wasn't available within the Crystal Tower, the causal loop/time travel would've never happened and the world would probably not have been saved from the Final Days.

All of the efforts, all of the work ends up worthwile because the world survived, humanity survived.

It's like the perfect ending for a morally ambigious struggle like this to me. Don't remove any of the bad the characters did, but make the noble intentions matter.

I already talked about Lahabrea in a previous post, so there are only two things I want to add.

First, I like how his character arc of taking responsibility and facing his problems and incorporating his bad parts back into himself probably also lead to him becoming Praetorium Lahabrea, but he also admits that yes, he'd probably do all of that because of the strict and uncompromising parts of himself (Athena's/the Heart of Sabik's influence, of course, helping it), so there's some fun causality here.

Second, I like how Athena is quoting his Praetorium speech (technically other way around).

Finally, there are Erichthonios and Claudien.

Him saying no to an abusive parent and becoming your own person making your own choices is such a satisfying character arc. It happened with Hephaistos and was even better with Athena. I actually have no other opinions about him.

Everything with Claudien on the other hand entirely feels like setup.

He has an ancient's memories and is now holding the Heart of Sabik.

Maybe a little too much naivete on the characters' part (ancient alien artifact left with the soul of someone potentially susceptible to its influence), but all of it tells me they have more coming where that came from and the unknown is super fun and exciting.

Now out of the major story material, all I have left is 6.2-6.55 MSQ. Looking forward to it.

[trainsinanime]

For the fanfic director's cut: The One With The Ghost Stations is opened halfway read in a tab somewhere (I much enjoyed Max' predctions of Marinett's effiency), are there any other things to say about it?

This is from the Fanfic Writers Director's Cut ask game, and the story in question is A Friend Like That.

Oh, where to start, this is basically all inside jokes that I found funny, starting right from the tags (the roar is a reference to a stuffed animal my sister owns).

I've mentioned before that all the metro stations listed are, in reality, closed or have never opened, and Marinette's journey takes her once across the city and then back - she ends up three hundred meters from where she started. If you want to follow along, the french Wikipedia has a nice map (I did not include all closed stations). The rest of the story is then defined by the moments between stations. Let's see what I remember.

I do not remember whether the janitor being in Ibiza was a reference to the Vengaboys. I did publish the story a bit less than a year after the austrian Ibiza affair, so it's possible it was on my mind.

SCART cable sounds funny and I was hoping to confuse the americans with that

I think Mylène taking lock-picking classes to break into, like, oil refineries to hang up banners and such is fairly self-evident, as is her dragging Ivan with her. The Youtube videos are most specifically a reference to the Lockpicking Lawyer, but there's a whole lock picking side of Youtube that is all more or less the same.

The number of minutes that Markov requires for his model is 1435, the standard rail gauge (distance between the inside of rails) in millimetres for railroads in most of the world.

The blown tire in the metro was another attempt at tripping people up, so they could comment "metro trains don't have tires", and I could go, "well, actually…". I did not receive any comment like that. But I did get a comment from someone who went, "Adrigaminette? OMG, I've never heard of that before!", which was endlessly fascinating to me.

The old quarries underneath Paris are a fascinating topic that I wish I knew more about. People only ever talk about the catacombs, which are a tiny subset. The big open quarries, though? That's fascinating. I want to go there, or at least to the one park (Buttes Chaumont) where you can sort of see remains of that. I don't really know how to set a story either in the quarries or the catacombs, or for that matter the Petite Ceinture (another fascinating topic), so a quick reference here had to be sufficient.

This isn't really a secret, but finding ways for Adrien to praise Marinette and explain away all her weaknesses, while being completely oblivious to how much he likes her, was a lot of fun.

I'm only noticing now, three years after the fact, that the story is very inconsistent about who does and doesn't have water bottles.

As for things I'm not super happy with, there's the title, which says nothing, means nothing, and has the result that even I get confused which story is which. The other big thing is the ending. It works as a punchline, but it's not really congruous with the character. I didn't have a better idea, so punchline it was.

[staticymaticyyourlifeisatravesty]

If Charon is Courier Six, I have a theory as to why he choose that as career, as well differences to him being shot point blank by Benny.

First off! Theory: Charon after the events of Fallout 3 probably didn't become a courier of his own violation. I say this because we are told by him in game that he's no one's errand boy, thus making him the courier on his own a bit dubious. He could have just said fuck it, and been like hey, at least I'm not stuck in a corner, but somehow I doubt that.

Personally, I think his contract switched hands to someone who had need of another courier, and decided that " hey this ghoul works perfectly. He's strong, agile, knows his way around a gun, and looks like he kills children in his sleep. Fantastic!" Charon himself, was likely less than enthused, but in the end, happy that he wasn't stuck in the corner like some strange decoration with a murder function.

Second off, we've got the changes to Charon’s mind and personality. After the bullet(s) got taken out, I imagine that would mess up some functions so Courier Six in general just has brain damage. Doesn't matter if it's Charon or not, brain damage exists. In the case of Charon, probably makes him pretty much not remember shit aside from his name, and vague ideas of what he's done for the last 200 years.

These ideas include commiting atrocities he'd happily forget, the notion he killed a man with a weird name that for the life of him can't remember, once beat a deathclaw to death with his bare hands, knew a really crazy teenager, and that pen knives make excellent weapons in a pinch.

He does not remember anything pre-war, mainly due to those memories already being repressed before he got shot just due to how painful they were, can't remember how he knows several different ways to make a bomb out of pretty much anything, nor why he knows how to make mustard and chlorine gas. Doesn't remember when he got cybernetics, just that his left leg is not entirely real. Also feels like he's missing something important, but in the end decides it doesn't really matter.

Personality wise, I imagine he's actually somewhat more light hearted. Has a bit of a dry sense of humour like Raul does. However he can still be the old grump we're all familiar with, though that side is generally seen when he's around people he doesn't trust, or he's just met. Tends to be polite towards caravans, and has a tendency to do right by most people. He's also surprisingly helpful, (which is based off the head canon of mine that while Charon says that he's no one's errand boy, but in reality does like to help people. He just fucking hates being ordered around like a damn robot. )

I also think that in regards to people being rude to him because he's a ghoul, he doesn't really care if only because he's fairly certain he's been called and treated worse. He's definitely not a paragon of virtue, just because I get the gist he does what needs to be done. Doesn't matter if the methods aren't great, as long as the end results are good.

Anyway that's the post. Have a great day/night.

[daveslutstaine]

A big thank you to my amazing mutual @blackccelebration for tagging me in this ^_^ 💗

1 - Are you named after anyone? I can confidently say no. My name is very, very uncommon from what I've come to experience, so much so that even speakers of my family's native tongue can't pronounce it correctly either 🙃. I do have a cousin with my name, and I think she was named that because her mom liked my name, but other than her, I've never known anyone else with my name. That and my parents admitted to coming across my name in one of those baby naming books, so yeah!

2 - When was the last time you cried? Well, I didn't exactly cry so to speak, especially since I was in front of people at the time, but I did shed a few tears in private recently after hearing about the passing of one of my loved ones. It was early two weeks ago, on a Monday or a Tuesday, I can't recall the exact date to be honest.

3 - Do you have kids? Eh sort of. My younger sister sees me as her mother figure, and because of that I've gotten into the habit of calling her "my baby" as a result. So as of right now, she's about as close of a child of mine as it's gonna get

4 - Do you use sarcasm a lot? Actually no I don't. You'd think I would, but I pretty much go about my day to day life not using much of it, surprisingly

5 - What's the first thing you notice about people? The sound of their voice and the eyes. Everything else comes second, but those two things are the first ones I always focus on first when I meet someone for the first time

6 - What's your eye colour? Brown, though it's a very dark brown that most people mistake for black. The color is much easier to see in the sunlight rather than in non-natural light

7 - Scary movies or happy endings? I can go for either, but my preference does lean on scary movies, but hey, those can also have happy endings too!

8 - Any special talents? I've been told I have quite the affinity for cooking! I can also clap with one hand! It pisses my sister off when I do it, not because it's weird or anything, but because she can't do it and makes her mad 😂

9 - Where were you born? In the US of A, specifically the south. I'm from a fairly quiet area of the states; nothing too notable happens around here, but honestly I prefer it that way. We get a lot of natural disasters and really fucked up weather, but funny enough, it's become a tradition around this place to go outside and watch the storms and tornadoes rage outside so long as it isn't headed towards of us of course. This place can fun sometimes

10 - What are your hobbies? I have a few but because of nursing school, I can't have as much fun with them as I used to. I draw, I paint, I read, I play the guitar, and I garden. Gardening and guitar playing my two favorites though. Really looking forward for the spring so I can place my plants outside again so that they can get some better sunlight. I do have them in an area where they'll survive just fine, but one of them is really fussy and doesn't like being indoors too much. My aloe vera on the other hand loves being inside and surprisingly enough, hates being outside in the sun. No seriously, this plant that has evolved for hot and sunny climates is somehow doing better in a relatively dark area of my house than she was outside in the warm sun. I remember I had to bring her indoors once because she was getting really brown and was beginning to wither, but as soon as I brought her in, she got really green and healthy again. That plant confuses and frustrates me to no end

11 - Have you any pets? Nah. My parents don't want animals in the house and my sister and I don't have the time or energy right now to take care of animals. I do want one someday, but as of right now, the only living beings I'm sticking to is my plants

12 - What sports do you play/have played? Does karate at the age of 10 count? I'm not a big sports person tbh, but I do enjoy the occasional mini golf game (if that counts) at the arcade place here. It's an indoor black lit golf course with a neon pink dinosaur in the middle of the course. Far better and way more superior to actual golf

13 - How tall are you? I'm unfortunately 5'2 or 157.4 cm. I'm very short

14 - Favourite subject in school? In grade school it was English/literature. Right now, it's pharmacology considering it is surprising easy to me

15 - Dream job? Ideally, it's composer/musician. I would love to finally not be burdened by Sounds and Ideas but unfortunately I struggle to put my thoughts out properly into the world, so nursing is gonna have to do it for now. It's interesting though. But yeah, if I could, I would be writing an entire overture on Hans Christian Anderson's "The Shadow" instead

Anyway I now tag @professor-cold-ramen @polska-tankietka @alisia-stardust @umi-no-ko @frogressive-rock @musicacuantica @ishootcops @yesterdaysanswers @sturmxundxdrang @darkoverstar and anyone else who would like to do this <3

[mangoisms]

omg i hadn’t even thought about the hierarchy of needs in that way, it actually makes a lot of sense, but yeah that’s actually a really good idea thank you! and yeah thank you so much for the help i really appreciate it, i’ve been just having like a ton of fun connecting certain characters to psych so yeah. also i will definitely give those a read! i think they’ll fit really well with the stuff i’ve already got too, and i needed more examples to do you also just saved me like an hour of searching so i am forever indebted to you 🙏🏼. i’ll definitely elaborate on that more in the project and let you know how i do lolol.

and since we’re doing memory rn (thank god we moved past the anatomy stuff. eugh. anyways. ) i connected tim’s recollection of the night dicks parents died in a lonely place of dying to arousal theory, and flashbulb memory, since he said he had nightmares about it which in my opinion was a pretty solid connection so i’m fairly confident i’ll get those points

but yeah i have seen some jason and babs stuff here and there and it’s just?? odd. but like i don’t dislike it enough to not read something that has it lol so yeah i’ll check those out! ALSO off topic but i saw something once about bruce and babs?? like they were kissing. and stuff. which is??? um??? it was animated but i have no idea what it was but i did not like it 😭

totally meant to answer this earlier so sorry!!! but!! here i am <3

of course! super happy to help! it's kind of niche really HAHA talking about psych and the bats, so it is very fun to do it!

glad you're having a better time in class now too!!! i had registration for the spring this week and we had like. three options for our singular elective and all of them kind of sucked so i had to go with human cognition which i am Very Scared about but a classmate whose advisor is the prof for the class says his classes are easy/the prof is nice so i am hopeful 🤞 that it will be ok 😭

that's really neat though!!! i have to be honest i had to google some of that it has been Very Long since i had my intro class... super cool though!!! i hope you get points for that too hehe it certainly sounds like a good connection!

i was thinking of bruce and lifespan perspective theory (in developmental psych ^_^ since i'm taking that class rn), there's something called multifinality and equifinality. multifinality is usually when people have similar backgrounds but it is still possible for them to end up in very different places or with different outcomes. equifinality is sort of the opposite, where different initial conditions or experiences can lead to similar outcomes or developmental trajectories.

i think there's something to be said about equifinality and bruce losing his parents at a young age and being defined by that, then becoming the batman as a result of it, then you look at tim who, initially, had both of his parents, became robin, then lost his mom, and then lost his dad, and ultimately wound up as an orphan too. they started in very different places and ended up in similar ones.

i wanted to use dick and bruce for multifinality (similar beginnings and all) but i do wonder if their outcomes are that different... you know what i am going to go with, yeah, they are different, dick deserves that much HAHA i won't say he's turned out like bruce, i don't think he has LOL

anyway kind of got carried away with that but YEAH. god i should've brought that up in class. anyway LMAO

no yeah three jokers is questionable in quality i only re-read it for the pretty art HAHA. and oooh yeah i've heard about that... it is SO weird... babs i'm gonna get u out of there i swear...

ANYWAY! good luck with everything <333

[artinclined-jointheartside]

Dude, I just finished reading chapter 10 of After The End and I loved it! The whole sequence with Feral Raine had me twitching in excitement. If you ever have any headcanons to share considering a witch's feral state (or just there more animalistic traits in general), I would absolutely read them.

Well, hello! I'm so happy you enjoyed it! It was a hekkin good time writing it, lemme tell ya!

As for headcanons? Oh boi~ *cracks knuckles*

Okay, so! As Terra explained in the chapter, going Feral is generally something that happens as a result of a traumatic event or injury, usually to the head, but not always. And it isn't something that happens to every witch just because they've received a blow. The majority of witches will never experience a Feral episode. However, the percentage that do experience one is higher than most would expect, with the populace thinking it's less than 5% of witches who will ever have an episode when the reality is closer to 15%.

The purpose of this slip into an animal mindset has been debated, but it is believed to be a self-defense mechanism. The reason being with the higher mind temporarily shut down, the normal inhibitions and self-control that a witch would carry are pushed aside, allowing for total reliance on instinct to guide their actions. This also comes with heightened senses and the normal restraint of strength and magical capability removed, allowing them to better perceive their surroundings and hit harder with whatever attack they dole out. Raine in particular, being a bard, already has exceptionally well-trained ears, and with their eyesight compromised, their hearing and remaining three senses go through the roof.

As for why they wanted to find Eda in this animalistic state, it's actually fairly common that a Feral witch will try to locate their partner. This is considered to be a result of both a "strength in numbers" instinct and the animal instinct to protect their mate. As such, anyone/anything that interferes during their search becomes a threat and will be met with extreme aggression. Though, once their mate is located, the instinct may switch from "protect" to... something else. >.> As for other animalistic headcanons, I have several! So, I think I'll go ahead and make another post for those.

Thank you for asking! I very much appreciate it! If you have any other questions, ask away! :D And thank you so much for reading! ~<3

[castiel-left-his-mark-on-me]

Hi, Ary, very inactive ex-mutual(i think???) here. Good to see you thriving! ♥ It's been a while since I've dipped my head into cockles stuff. Could I perchance maybe ask uuuuum tf is going on??? lol I see Mish apparently confirmed he used to stay over at Jensen's in Van, and heard newbs were apparently freaking out about it and getting a bit messy, which I get that, business as usual. But I'm also seeing shit about spin-offs? And Jared getting in a twitter fight with Jensen, causing/resulting in stans to going feral and sending hate?? I know you're not as big a fan of Jar, but that's part of why I figured I'd ask you, you usually have a really level head about this kinda stuff. If you don't wanna answer publically, or at all, that's totally chill!

Hey, Rhi! We're still mutuals! Of course we're still mutuals! When I saw the notification of your ask, I was like "Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!" and my husband was like "???" and I said "Tumblr" and he said "Oh."

It was a wild time haha.

In any case, welcome back to the dumpster fire! We are obviously still a mess. So to catch you up, I guess I will start by summarizing both before and after the finale (not sure where you left off so this might be redundant for you) ... basically, it became obvious as the end of the show neared that Jensen was not on board with the plan for the finale; although Jared never stopped singing its praises.

We got confirmation of this during a zoom interview where Jensen said that he actually went into the writers room as well as called Kripke to basically voice how he didn't agree with the direction the final season was going, but he was shot down on all fronts. In another interview, he was asked "What would you tell your younger self going into this career?" And Jensen responded with: "I would tell myself to just keep your head down and do the work" meaning, "Don't try to change things because you can't." I also think that this whole situation is what he wrote "Let Me Be" about for his first Radio Company album, but that is just my own speculation. All of his reluctance, even though he always followed it up with "But I eventually saw the value in the script" or "I came around in the end" (which never sounded sincere, and I don't think he was really trying to sound sincere) made us all very nervous about what was to come for 15x20; and of course, when the last two episodes aired, we saw just how badly they fucked it up.

After the awful finale, the entire fandom became aware of the CW's heavy handed role in the thing, basically squeezing all the life out of SPN to shape it into a ramp from which Walker could launch itself. They not only erased all the love and joy and representation that Cas's love confession gave us, they also tore apart the things that made sense about the bond between Sam and Dean, making it really just about Sam-- and therefore Jared, which of course, Jared seemed to be fine with ... even though no one else was. Misha barely said anything during the finale, and a few of the other actors talked about the show ending in various posts, but Jared tweeted up a storm ... and Jensen? Jensen just sat in sexy-silent resentment of the whole thing. He didn't tweet, he didn't post, he didn't say a word once he no longer had to, and I think that's because he was already going full-steam-ahead on his plans for redemption.

Which brings us to Chaos Machine-- Jensen and Danneel's new production company that is being run by a queer creative director and has a mantra of inclusivity and representation woven throughout it's fabric; and apparently, the first story that Jensen wanted to tell through this new platform is the origin story of Sam and Dean's parents; so last week (?) he announced the upcoming production of "The Winchesters" -- the untold love story of John and Mary. Obviously, John is not the most likable character from the show, so the idea was met with a lot of resentment when it was first announced, but Jensen has gone on to say that he is excited to take on the task of telling the "true" story behind these characters-- the one that makes sense with the pre-established canon and doesn't reject it. So, given that, the idea is being mulled over with a bit more optimism from the fandom.

Who isn't being optimistic though?

Jared Padalecki.

When Jensen made this announcement on Twitter, many of his friends and coworkers congratulated him, but not Jared. Jared responded with a passive aggressive: "I'm happy for you, man, but I wish I didn't hear about it through Twitter." This of course, sent all the die-hard Jared fans into a tizzy and they immediately began asking him if he was serious (hoping it was just a joke-- we all hoped it was because there would be fallout no matter what one's opinion on Jared is). Instead of leaving it there though or just deleting that tweet, Jared went on to tweet some more, saying that he was being serious that he didn't know about the plans for the prequel, and that he was "gutted" that Sam apparenlty wouldn't be included (mind you, this a prequel to SPN... meaning BEFORE Sam and Dean were even born, so how could Sam be included? But Dean is apparently narrating this story so maybe Jared thought Sam should be helping to narrate it? I don't know). But Jared being Jared couldn't just leave that there, he then went on to tweet at Robbie Thompson who was announced as a writer for "The Winchesters" so then Jared went off on him too, calling him "Brutus" and a "coward" acting like Robbie betrayed him (speculation is-- Robbie refused to write for Walker, so Jared is pissed that he essentially chose Jensen over him). He did fairly quickly, remove that tweet attacking Robbie, but of course the damage was done at that point. And it truly only took his first tweet calling out Jensen for some people to be like "Jared-- that sucks if you didn't know but why are you saying any of this publicly?"

As you might know, Jared has had issues in the past with posting hurtful things on social media, and has even used it as a tool for attack before-- calling out customer service agents and public workers that he felt have wronged him, which is bad enough ... but for him to then do the same thing to his best friend of well over a decade? Many people who had once liked him or at least gave him the benefit of the doubt (I used to ...) stopped after this latest twitter tantrum.

However, some people have suspected for some time that J2 had a falling out either shortly before the finale or just after. Their public/social media interactions have seemed awkward, stilted or even non-existent in moments that they normally wouldn't be. In the past year, when Walker premiered, Jensen didn't say much about his friend's new venture other than a "Congrats. buddy" here and there. Later, we learned that Jensen refused to work on the show ... Jared said he make him do it, drag Jensen to the set "kicking and screaming" which made many fans quirk up an eyebrow because, why would Jensen put up a fight unless the two weren't as close as they used to be? And then Jensen moved his family to Colorado (either permanently or for an extended period at least) which is notable considering how he moved to Texas seemingly to be closer to Jared, even buying a house that was near his. All this was just speculation though; but it wasn't until Jared's tweet complaining about not knowing about the prequel that the theories behind them falling out, became less theory and more fact.

The day after his twitter tantrum, Jared tweeted again-- not retracting his statements or apologizing, but instead saying that he and Jensen "talked" and were "all good". Jensen then tweeted too, parroting this statement to some degree, which only made the whole thing even more sour in the mouths of the fans. The fact that Jared didn't apologize for his outburst and throwing his friend under the bus, and also the fact that Jensen-- Mr. Sexy Silence, Mr. Never Tweets, Mr. Tech-Ignorant-and-Proud, actually had to POST SOMETHING saying that he and Jared made up, it just screamed OPTICS. It was obviously the work of agents and PR firms and lots of people going "Look, if you two keep beefing, that will mean the death of both of your projects. Even more people will stop watching Walker, and this SPN prequel will never get picked up due to the scandal." So, the two "made nice" publicly to quell the chaos, but in my opinion, it's all too little too late. Jared started a storm that he can't contain now with a little tweet, and it seems like he knows that too because before he talked about him and Jensen making up, he asked that people "not send threats". He could have just as easily said that he shouldn't have made this a public issue and that he's sorry, but instead, he continued to play the victim and stoke the flames by alerting us all to the damage he's done.

Now, like I said before-- I used to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he's an awful human or that he deserves to be attacked or anything, but he is an adult man with very poor judgment and an obvious selfish-streak a mile wide. He should know better, and he should have more respect for his so-called "friends" and "brothers" than to make them targets to public ridicule. I have a hard time believing that Jensen still sees Jared the way he used to, and I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to pull away-- especially when he's moving on to so many new and exciting things. Jared certainly deserves happiness just as much as anyone else, but he went on twitter and basically asked for a scandal, and he got one.

The question is now-- was there a motive behind it? Was just looking for a reason to bring his and Jensen's falling out to light-- while making himself looking like the victim in the process? Or did he genuinely not know about the prequel and just decided to go about "not knowing" in the most toxic and hurtful way he could manage?

In any case, that is the drama ... that is the J2 insanity in a rather lengthy nutshell ... that is the tea ... and I hope it all makes sense.

But the good news out of all of this is, Cockles is thriving-- they are happy and in love and Jensen calls Misha "Babe" and Misha misses waking up to see Jensen in the morning, and they are just as cute and wonderful as can be.

So, I will end that there. I am so glad to see you back, and I hope I answered all your questions in a way that made sense ... I tried anyway!

💖💖💖

[doberbutts]

Whats spaniel rage? Do spaniels just like go feral for no reason sometimes?

Rage syndrome, also known as spaniel rage as it was first discovered in largely springer and cocker spaniels, is thought to be a neurological misfire or even seizure-like syndrome (due to semi-successful treatment with seizure meds) where an otherwise happy and friendly dog suddenly enters an unprovoked moment of pure aggression. Often these dogs look "out of it" a moment before, and during the attack owners frequently report that the look in their dogs' eyes was vacant and as though the dog was unaware of who or what it was attacking. The attacks are usually quite dramatic and can be severe or mild depending on how quick the dog was to bite vs how quick the owner was to get out of the way. Once the attack is over, often the exact same dog that was attacking the owner now acts confused, disoriented, and sometimes even emotionally distressed to have caused such injury. It is theorized that this is a seizure or similar due to this behavior.

More dogs than spaniels can have rage syndrome though it's unknown if it's related or two different causes leading to the same problem. It does seem to have a genetic link- dogs who rage often have a close relative that exhibited similar behavior. I have known of a border collie with diagnosed rage, and a friend who had spaniels with rage did tell me Skoll's behavior looked a lot like rage to them. Skoll had known abuse and was a known fearbiter, so I cannot say if his behavior once he got to me was as a result of the fear (I think a good portion of it) or if it truly was some uncontrolled neurological misfire (possible, but I'm no doctor).

Dogs with aggression are often misdiagnosed as having rage- rage itself is a fairly rare condition and is only just common enough that people who spend their entire lives with the breeds the most affected by it will have heard of a dog but most have not seen a dog with rage personally.

Some dogs with diagnosed rage improve rapidly with anti-convulsants, lending credence to the theory that it is a seizure disorder. Others not so much. It is hard to say why that is because we simply do not know enough about what causes this problem in the first place. Not all seizure disorders respond well to medication either, so sadly it neither proves nor disproves the idea that rage is somehow a biochemical problem rather than a temperament problem. Compounding the problem is that the diagnosis of rage often is immediately followed up with euthanasia, so the chance to study is relatively low because the rage dx came after a serious bite or mauling incident. However I would say as someone who was on the receiving end of what may or may not have been a rage dog, that facing your dog that's clearly not recognizing you and is literally trying to kill you and being afraid that your dog is actually going to kill you is a very scary place to be, and I don't fault anyone who no longer trusts that dog in their home.

[julyarchives]

Complicated || (M)

→ Pairing: Hui x Fem!Reader

→ Genre: Smut; Exes to Lovers.

→ Words:  3.7K

→ Warnings: Mentions of Alcohol; Spit kink; Choking; F and M receiving Oral; Fingering; Squirting; Power Play; Jealousy.

→ A/n: It took us a little longer to finish this story, but we are so happy with the result, so we promise it is worth the wait! Thank you 🐧 anon for this amazing request! We hope you all like it 💕

"And who's that?" Hui asked Yanan.

He looked at you across the room, looking like a deer caught in headlights. When you looked in his direction, a bright smile lit up on your face and you waved excitedly.

At first, he was confused, but when you got closer and greeted Yanan with a friendly hug, it all made sense.

"Hui," Yanan called him, but his eyes had never left you. "This is Y/N. She's my best friend"

Hui was well aware that Yanan meant 'don't try any funny business because she's my friend', but he was already hypnotized by you.

"Nice to meet you, Hui." you said, the way his name rolled off your tongue had him shivering, and you didn't miss the way he looked up and down at you.

You smiled at him, and he could just tell there was a little bit of mischief hiding in your sweetness. As for the rest of the night, Hui had made it his mission to make you smile at him as much as he could.

He was just mesmerized by you and used every excuse to have Yanan bringing you along on every night out, and inevitably you became friends. You got along, and hanging out together was way more fun than he first expected, and he grew to actually enjoy your company.

Yanan was constantly on Hui's hair, warning that you were not the type of girl he used to date casually, and would not forgive you if you ruined their friendship, and that's why it took him long to make a move on you.

It was actually you who took the first step, kissing him unexpectedly one night when you two sneaked to the kitchen for snacks while your friends played in the living room. It was a point of no return for both of you, the chemistry was undeniable - Hui knew everything you liked and you knew what to do to drive him mad.

You surprised him by showing that you were not the innocent girl he thought you were, and he was not a no-attachment ladies man Yanan had told you he was. The fact that you became friends first was crucial for the relationship, and it was the reason it lasted fairly long, but it was also the reason that it ended. You both recognized that you two wanted different things and were in different places, and it was best to end things before one of you got hurt.

That, however, did not fix the endless tension between you two.

Inevitably you didn't stop seeing each other, now that you had the same friend circle, and it would always end with one of you snapping at the other.

Tonight was one of those occasions, and you had your mind set on not letting Hui ruin your night. It was a perfectly good party, full of people, all your friends gathered in one of their houses, some acquaintances along enough to make the place full, and the loud music making everyone enjoy themselves.

Hui was there, you had already spotted him, but you were good at pretending he wasn't there, even though you could feel his gaze burning holes in the back of your head, but you just danced your worries away.

Making your way through the crowd, you managed to get to the kitchen and fix yourself a cold drink to cool off.

"Fuck, it's hot in here" you mumbled to yourself, using your free hand to hold your hair.

"Right?" A stranger answered, making your head snap in his direction, and you both chuckled at your reaction "sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine," you laughed. He was tall and had just the most adorkable laugh, and somehow you felt comfortable enough to start a conversation "I'm Y/N"

You reached your hand to him, which he immediately took.

"Shinwon" he leaned closer for you to hear him over the loud music

"Do you wanna dance, Shinwon?" You boldly asked

"Lead the way" he smirked

You gently grabbed his hand, guiding you two back to the packed living room. Getting there was the hardest part, only being able to enjoy his company when you reached the make-do dance floor. You could practically feel an intense stare on your figure as you moved closer to Shinwon but chose to ignore it for now. The new tall handsome man was giving as good as he got, dancing behind you sensually, following your movements. The dance was equally fun and sexy, the new company making it all too exciting for you. You could feel Shinwon's lean muscles behind you and you closed your eyes, moving with him completely. As you two turned and moved on the dance floor, you opened your eyes, feeling Shinwon's hand gripping your waist harder. Too bad you were standing directly into Hui's view, almost as if you did it on purpose. Which you did not but since life wanted that way, why not enjoy it.

The burning tension between you, the mix of annoyance and attraction always made you feel ready to burn him back, so that was enough reason for you to wink and bite your lip at him, grinding back on Shinwon's unsuspecting and welcoming body. You only could keep that up for a few minutes before Shinwon managed to turn you, leaning closer to kindly invite you to the rooms upstairs. It was what you needed to get your mind out of the fuming man sitting across from you, so you nodded with a flirty smile before holding his hand once more and leading the way.

Getting up there was fast and soon enough you were trying every door to check for any room available, giggling to no end when at least three doors were locked. The last door was in sight and you were sure it'd be empty, your hand ready to turn the knob when you heard your name being called. You huffed, watching Hui walking closer to you and Shinwon, the man looking at you confused.

"We need to talk", Hui said as he got close enough, his breathing hard and face a bit red.

"We don't, actually. You see, I'm busy".

"Cut the crap, Y/N. Get lost, man, I seriously need to talk to her".

"Oh no. Shinwon, stay. We have nothing to talk about!". Poor Shinwon was completely confused, looking from you to Hui, his hand slowly slipping away from yours.

"Um, Y/N", Shinwon turned to you, one hand carefully tucking a hair strand behind your ear. "It's okay. You know this won't be good if I stay. Yanan told me this could happen if I ever saw you…"

"What?!", you heard Hui shouting at the same moment you did, you not even sparing him a glance.

"I'll get your number from him and I'll call you, yeah?".

"I'm sorry", you didn't even know if you were mad or sad or even frustrated for being cockblocked by Hui no less.

"It's fine. Keep that room in mind, we may use sometime", Shinwon winked at you and turned to leave, nodding to Hui as he walked by. Hui didn't even look at him, his stare fixated on you.

You held his gaze for a few seconds before turning around on your heels and entering the room.

"Talk" you demanded, afraid that if you said more you would end up cursing at him.

"What the fuck was that little show downstairs?" He was already talking loudly, stepping into your personal space.

"I was just enjoying myself," you walked around him, bumping on his shoulders purposefully, hearing him sigh in anger. "Minding my own business, you know what that means?"

You grabbed the doorknob to open the door, ready to leave Hui behind to deal with his problems himself, but you had barely opened an inch when you heard his rushed stomps getting closer, and he grabbed your waist, turning you around and slamming your back against the door, getting it to close behind you.

"I highly doubt that winking at me while rubbing yourself against a stranger counts as 'minding your business', Y/N." He leaned closer to you, noses almost bumping, his hand palming the door trapped you against him. He "And I don't think that fucking someone else will make you forget me."

His eyes didn't stray from yours, and your chest was rising up and down fast - you just weren't sure if it was of annoyance or anticipation.

He smirked and leaned back, this time to whisper in your ear, his hot breath tickling your skin

"He can not make you feel good like I do." He nibbled your earlobe just the slightest "you would end up thinking of me"

He planted open mouth kisses along your jaw, small gasps escaping your lips against your will. You just couldn't help but melt under his touch.

"He doesn't know you like I do." He stepped forward, hips pressing against yours. "He doesn't know what a pretty little slut you are"

Hui ended the distance between you harshly, all his lust seeping through a rough desperate kiss. His hand immediately went to your hair, tugging it until it sting, but he knew you loved it. Your body responded to him like a magnet, you just couldn't help yourself but be completely gone for him.

He nibbled your bottom lip, sucking and licking it, humming in satisfaction with the feeling of having you altogether his. He trailed down your neck where he bit on the skin, licking the spot afterward to soothe, marking you as he was claiming you to him. His name started rolling off your tongue involuntarily, moaning every time he found a new spot to mark.

"That's right, baby girl" he whispered "keep doing that"

He cupped one breast with his free hand, squeezing it while he hungrily attacked your lips again. He started rolling his body against yours and you could feel the hard-on in his pants pressing against your clothed core.

He let go of you completely, and you whined at the loss of contact, only to have him hold your hand and walk backward until he reached the bed, where he sat on the edge.

"You know what to do, baby girl." He said in a low voice, and his hooded eyes watched you dropping on your knees in between his spread legs.

You looked deep into his eyes while undoing his belt and jeans, he leaned back, both hands on the mattress to support himself while he watched you. He bucked his hips up just enough for you to put his pants and underwear down, setting his cock free from the constricted clothes.

Your mouth salivated at the sight of his erection hitting his stomach, already leaking pre-cum. You wrapped your hand around it, using your thumb to smear his juices around, and he hissed at the contact, a breathy moan falling from his lips as you started moving your hand up and down slowly.

He reached one hand and grabbed the hair behind your head, making you look at him.

"I don't think you have the right to tease me, baby" he almost growled

"But-" you tried to speak, but he cut you short

"Ah-ah" he shushed, "I think we can find a better use for that smart mouth. Open up"

You sat back on your heels, opening your mouth like he commanded as he leaned over you, the grip on your hair still holding you in place, puckering his lips and you watched as the drool fell out of it, directly into your mouth.

Hui watched you swallow it with a proud smirk. This is something that only Hui could do to you, you thought, and it was just another way for him to claim you as his, and you could not imagine anyone else in this situation with you. It just reminded you how much you discovered about yourself in your innumerous adventures with him, and it was one of the reasons you loved that relationship.

Quickly shaking those thoughts away, you returned your focus to the current situation, as Hui ran his hand through his hair before leaning back, waiting for you to make your move.

You gulped in anticipation, taking his member in hand and waiting no time to take the head into your mouth, swirling your tongue around it and hearing Hui moaning lowly. You jerked him off, twisting your hand loosely around his dick, then hollowing your cheeks to swallow more of him. His hand twisted around your hair and guided your movements, making you bob your head just the way he wanted.

He bucked his hips and his member hit the back of your throat, making you gag, to which he responded with a loud moan, throwing his head back in pleasure. Relaxing and breathing through your nose, you let him deeper inside you as he kept bucking up to meet your movements.

When you were finally getting used to it, he pulled you away abruptly, breathing in heavily and watching you through hooded eyes.

"You were doing so good, baby girl, but I still want to fuck you senseless." He smirked. "And right now you're wearing too many clothes for that to happen. Strip for me"

Hui sat back and watched you follow his commands once again. Your eyes didn't stray from him as you unzipped your dress and let it fall off of you, proceeding by stepping out of your high heels. Once you're finished taking off your underwear, Hui stripped out of his remaining clothes as well.

"Now get on the bed" his voice was stern and his eyes followed you. "Ass up"

You got in the position without questioning, resting your head on a pillow

"Look at that, dripping just from giving me pleasure" he ran a finger through your slit, grabbing your butt strongly with the other hand, making you squirm under his touch. "Such a mess for me"

"Just for you" you mindlessly mumbled.

"Good." He slapped your ass, not too strong, just enough for you to yelp in surprise. "Are you still on the pill?" He asked

"Yes" you said shily

"Did you fuck anyone else after me?" He asked, his voice just as commanding as before, and when you choked on your words, embarrassed to admit the truth, he slapped you a little harder, making you hiss.

"N-no, sir" you stuttered and the name just slipped.

Hui chuckled pleasantly at your answer, his dick twitching at hearing you call him "sir", but you two could discuss that later because all he wanted was to feel himself inside you.

"Good girl" he praised, caressing the spot where he hit you.

When both of his hands held onto your waist, you felt him entering you, his thickness welcoming in your pussy, and you realized how much you had missed the feeling of him filling you up.

He didn't give you time to adjust because you didn't need it, choosing instead to pound you mercilessly, his length hitting the perfect spot inside you, leaving you a whimpering mess already.

"That's for you to not forget who you belong to." He dig his fingers in your waist, the sound of skin slapping skin echoing in the room "you're mine." He grunted "this pussy is mine"

You buried your face in the pillow, unable to formulate any sentence to answer him, just moaning and gasping at every thrust.

You reached one hand in between your legs, touching your clit to increase your pleasure.

"Such a needy girl, so impatient." Hui said "do you want me to make you cum? Is that what you need?"

All you could do was hum and nod in agreement. Hui sped up his pace until your walls were clenching and jolts of pleasure took over your body. You felt him leaning over you, pulling your hair and forcing you to get on all fours. You gasped when you felt his hand wrap around your throat, pressuring the right spot to constrict the blood flow. You closed your eyes and rubbed your fingers faster, taking you to the edge while he hit your g spot just perfectly.

He let go of your neck when you finished riding your orgasm, and you gasped for air, catching your breath again.

"You take me so well, baby girl" He praised "take it just a little more for me, ok? I'm so close."

He kept thrusting into you, and you clenched again to help him reach his orgasm. You felt him pulling out just in time to shoot on your back, covering you in his cum as he finished jerking himself off.

He made space for you to lay on your back, and kneeled on the mattress in between your legs, putting his hands on your knees to spread them wider. He gasped pleasantly when he noticed the glistening mess on your core.

His eyes burned with lust as he lowered his hand and inserted two fingers inside you easily, your hole completely wet for him. He didn't go slow, nor mattered the fact that you had come not 10 minutes ago, and his fingers pumped fast in and out of you, and he curled them, knowing exactly how to hit the perfect spot inside you. He watched you squirming, a moaning mess on the sheets, gripping whatever you could find to hold yourself.

Not having enough of you, Hui lowered himself, not wasting any second to get your abused clit in between his lips, and your hands immediately grabbed his hair, a cry of pleasure leaving you.

"That's so good Hui, please don't stop, please, please." Your voice came out desperate and whiny, and Hui hummed in response, sending vibrations down your core. "I'm not gonna last long."

He looked up at you and you could see him smirking in between your legs, then proceeding to thrust his fingers harder and deeper, licking and sucking your clit until your whole body was shaking and your legs were closing around involuntarily as you reached your high, calling his name in screams as he dig his fingers in your thighs to keep you in place as you just couldn't control your orgasm as he didn't stop nor slow down, and you felt another wave of pleasure run through your body, who spasm uncontrollably now, and Hui leaned back up to watch you come undone

"Touch yourself, baby" he demanded, voice hoarse and your juices coating his chin.

You immediately circled your fingers around your pussy, overestimating your sensitive clit as you climaxed again in a row, so intensely that your body couldn't control its spasms and you felt your wetness pouring and gushing out of you, as you just couldn't stop screaming his name.

"Fuck, baby" you heard his breathy voice as you squirted calling for him.

Your body went limp and you closed your eyes, your heartbeat ringing in your ears, and you felt Hui throw himself next to you.

For a few seconds, there was nothing. No sound, no movements, nothing. Hui was breathing hard next to you and you were trying to calm your own breathing but you knew that soon enough one of you wouldn't bear the silence anymore and leave without words. So it was a shock when a few minutes after the high wore off, Hui turned so he was facing you, even if you faced up, looking at the ceiling.

"Y/N", he called surprisingly soft.

"Yeah?"

"Do you truly hate me?". The question caught you by surprise, you dared say it shocked you but yet you didn't move.

"No, Hui. I don't hate you. I hate how you treat me".

"Um", was all he said.

"Do you hate me?", you asked back.

"No", he sighed. "But, like you, hate how you treat me".

"How did we end up like this?", you couldn't help the chuckle that left your lips at the absurdity of it all.

"I have no idea", Hui joined in. "All I remember was me being a dick and not wanting to settle and then you were shooting daggers at me every time you saw me".

"Oh man, I wonder why I did that". Hui laughed at that and you caught a glimpse of his pretty smile.

"Well, yeah. But it did lead us to amazing sex every time too".

"We had amazing sex when we were together as well", you spoke matter of factly.

"I know", he poked you, making you fully turn your head in his direction. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about".

"About what? Us?".

"Us together". Hui was watching you intently and you turned, mirroring his position.

"Talk then".

"I want to give us a shot. I want us to work this time". You stood in silence for a few seconds, lost.

"...why? Why now?".

"I've been thinking about it for a while now and I miss you. I miss not fighting every time we see each other, your company". He seemed serious and your heart was almost beating out of your chest by now. "And tonight was definitely my breaking point. Seeing you with goodie two shoes Shinwon made me panic out of fear of losing you forever without giving us another try".

You stood there watching him for a while. He didn't pressure you, once again showing how much he knew you. He knew you needed your time and he respected that. Truth is, your feelings for Hui never died, only fuelled the fire of your anger and attraction to him. Giving you another shot was risky but then, everything with Hui was risky and if he was willing to put all his cards on the table for you, maybe you could do the same.

"I want to leave this place", was all you said.

Hui nodded, defeat clear on his face. He got up and got dressed in silence, you doing the same but watching him intently the entire time. When both of you were presentable again, you stood with your hand on the doorknob. Hui was a step away from you, close but not too close, watching you with tired eyes. Your free hand reached out to touch his hair softly and he almost jumped in surprise.

"I hope you drove here. I came by uber", you smiled at him. "Oh, and I hope you still remember my address and my favorite breakfast place to take me tomorrow when we wake up". You laughed at his face as he nodded like a kid who just got his perfect gift. "And don't steal my covers while we sleep!".

[toujoursmiraculous]

Thoughts and Reactions to Truth!

Just going to go straight into it because this episode is huge! I really like how at the end of a season and the beginning of another, we see the same scene that leads us out of one and into another. Gabriel fixes the Miraculous and ohhh poor Dusuu thought it was all a dream, being in evil hands. So in a way, the Miraculous being damaged may have been a blessing for her. Dx Too bad it couldn't have been fixed after Marinette got it back :/ But at least Nooroo isn't alone right? Legit only positive I can get from this. ;-; Tikki and her little hats omg it's so cuuuute! I wonder if she makes her little clothes, too awww But the other Kwami's are almost like siblings to Tikki if you think about it. Now Tikki has to share things with them all as they cause chaos all around when she's so used to her quiet life alone with Marinette. Even for a Kwami, that must be hard to adjust to.

Okay so it's almost Prince Ali's birthday that Paris is going to celebrate. Interesting! I'd really like to see him back and a storyline with that. :O Marinette holding something, clearly, that the girls can't see over video chat. Talking to what appears to be herself, reacting to what someone's saying from different sides of her room. Camera flashes going off. And then her phone getting yeeted at her all on a video call with her friends when she's supposed to be alone...considering they're all going to have Kwami's and learn some things later as they become heroes, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if they think back to this scene someday! OH WAIT spoiler for the upcoming episode Gang of Secrets!!! Fair warning. What if this episode with the plushies she said she's going to make, is one of if not the reason they go over and are looking around her room? Because she's been acting sus and they want to know what's going on. Especially after what happens later in the episode with Luka. Okay, back to the episode itself. Her friends observation: You're acting way weirder than normal.... IS ADRIEN AT YOUR PLACE?! I mean, fair point. xD But the thing is, whenever Marinette tends to act weirder or say/do things that Alya and the girls don't understand, it's almost always connected to her being Ladybug/Guardian. Even Lila. If she wasn't Ladybug and dealt with her so much as her, she wouldn't know a lot of things that made her not trust Lila to begin with. So Marinette has to overcompensate to try to hide everything or can't explain her thoughts or feelings about certain situations, so Alya always just assumes her behavior has something to do with Adrien. It really sucks but at the same time, what else is she going to think?

These Kwami are a lot of trouble. xD Now she's even more frazzled, so she calls Luka Adrien. More than once. I've done this where I call my siblings the wrong name more of than I'd like so I can't fault her for it. Her mind's probably a mess, poor girl. Dx "I'm sorry it's just that I cheated on you!" BIG OOF. But this gives me Kim Possible vibes when Ron assumed Kim didn't want him anymore and told her he was cheating on her when he meant to say he was cheating to be on the football team so he could be more worthy of her when he thought she wanted to "trade up" her boyfriend. Our poor Marinette! So frazzled she can't remember when her dates are, when they've been rescheduled. She can't remember her patrols with Chat Noir which are really important. She's getting to the point where it's going to be a wonder she can even function. Dx "But Marinette and I are such a big fan of his" wow this sure hits different. The way they kept quizzing each other to finish the sentence with Jagged Stone trivia was pretty cute. Luka having her finish the line with "Kiss me" that she screamed to the entire theater made me choke on my cake. "Well, if that's what you want." Smooth. "I think, yes. I want to." But you know, it gets interrupted by an akuma attack of course because that's just the way things work! :D And wouldn't you know it, it's Mr. Pigeon. AGAIN. Totally worth interrupting the moment lol Ladybug can't pick and choose, however, so here comes the sequence where she's constantly running off and he starts doubting her. Notice the parallel when Marinette started to like Luka after Adrien could never show up to things? Now Marinette's having trouble showing up and Luka's having issues with it. The second Chat Noir started to sneak up on Ladybug, we all knew he was going to get flipped. But it's so adorable and funny at the same time I love it x333 And that whole scene there of Ladynoir. Obviously it's a Lukanette-centered episode but the Ladynoir in this episode! So good! And you know, it's interesting. First time we see Adrien this episode is for FIVE whole seconds! And the way it abruptly cut off as he opened the car door... yeah you know what, Lies is going to be Adrien's POV or something of this same day. It has to be. He has 2 total scenes one of them is 5 seconds and the other one is 2 seconds. Crazy. We got about 7 seconds of Adrien's face today woo! But ugh here's where we get hurt Luka ;-; "A girl, who as always, isn't here." Ouch. The fact that if Marinette said she loved Adrien still, he'd understand and he'd get it is so sweet, and so sad that it's not even because of that, it's because she's Ladybug and the Guardian and she can't say a thing about it to him at all, that he can't accept. It's the one thing he couldn't deal with that's the issue and that really sucks. AND THIS MOMENT RIGHT HERE HAD ME GASPING AND HURTING FOR LUKA. IT'S THE MOMENT HIS HEART BROKE

But also really guys, did you notice his eyes are different now? Almost like a blue diamond look or something.

Luka trying to fight it, trying to tell Hawk Moth that the truth needs to be willingly told, not forced. But stupid Hawk Moth's able to get him to hold on anyway and gets akumatized. But not before he told Marinette to run. Which was such an awwww moment. x33 I mean, this is definitely getting a bit close to Chat Blanc territory if you ask me. New transformation music is pretty good! I like it. Also can we just appreciate that instead of trying to track down Marinette to get the truth from her, he's instead asking all her friends and family, pretty much any source besides her? AND ROSE'S RESPONSE "Marinette has no secrets because she's the most honest girl in the world!" She thinks so highly of her and it's just so beautiful. Nobody would blame her for these secrets if they only knew either. But awwwwww I love this scene!! And here's the big reveal! (no not that one) Jagged Stone is Luka and Juleka's father. 😮

Thomas today tweeted that Luka and Juleka are twins. Which would have to be fairly obvious after this reveal. There's no way that Jagged, who says he'd be a lame dad and left because he wasn't cut out for it, would have Luka with Anarka, then stay long enough to also have Juleka. I also totally forgot that in the French version, Jagged has an American accent when he speaks. XDD Just the fact that even WITH his truth powers, he asked his mother TWICE who his father was. Both times she said Jagged Stone. He still didn't believe it until he went to Jagged himself omg. This poor poor boy. Luka: 😱*gasp* Marinette: 😲 *gasp* Adrien: 😮 WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY OMG. LIKE I'M WATCHING A TELENOVELA OR SOMETHING. THEY EVEN ZOOMED IN ON THEIR REACTIONS I CAN'T And then Luka just yeets his dad because he wasn't ever there for him. I honestly did not expect Luka having dad issues to ever be a thing in this show, even though I knew he wasn't around. So like... when everything's worked out with Marinette and Adrien in the end, will Luka and Adrien end up becoming friends and bonding over things, like the whole daddy issues thing...? Are we really supposed to believe she has no feelings for Chat Noir? I mean really, look at this.

"I can't imagine what your daily life must look like" ... is she really actually being the one to bring up something about his secret identity? With that face? 😲

Their flirty banter that at this point I don't even think they realize it is, and those soft looks I just... My top ship is Ladynoir and I was not expecting any significant moments of theirs but I got it anyway. Just watching their scenes, I kept going "See, this is why they're meant for each other." My heart is happy despite all the Luka pain! It's helping me cope with it, okay? "When you're ready, I'll be here for you, Marinette." Awww so they're telling us Lukanette is on hold here. Not a guarantee, but at least on hold. He's an option for her later. So now the Adrienette vs. Lukanette for S4 we heard about awhile back makes sense now. Later on this season, probably when things calm down and she gets the hang of things, she'll be in a better position to be with someone. And by then, Adrien will probably realize and understand his feelings for Marinette. So then she'll be in a position to choose between them. Now we know where Luka gets his ability to turn emotions into great songs. That's adorable! Father-son bonding! Gabriel needs to take notes when a man who was never in his son's life as more than his idol has the ability to try to be there, but Gabriel can't. Ugh our poor Marinette, probably thinking she's going to be alone for a very long time just because of a supervillain. That's so wrong she has to feel like this. If you notice, Hawk Moth's akumatizations help people patch up relationships so much of the time as a weird unexpected result of an akuma attack. And yet, he does nothing but hurt Marinette and at times Adrien, the most when he akumatizes people. He makes me so angry! But I'm too tired for a rant about that. At least the Kwami hugs at the end helped a teeny bit anyway! c:

[deltarune-au-domain]

I made some small references for all the current characters in Rulesrune! Yay! They took forever and probably around 20 to 30 minutes each.

The Contest

This is a personal contest I'm holding since I will be away at camp for a whole week and will literally have no contact with the outside world. None. So why not hold a contest?

What you'll be doing

Pretty much I want to see a swap AU of Rulesrune but find it to complicated myself. So I'm holding a contest to see who'll do it best.

Don't worry you will get something! There will be a prize for the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place winners!

All you have to do is design what you think Rulesswap would look like! That's pretty much the minimum. You don't have to do all the characters but the more the better!

Prizes

1st place will get rights to the Ruleswap AU and two free drawing requests from me as well as a drawing of your version of the characters

2nd place will get two free drawing requests and a drawing of their version of the characters.

Lastly, 3rd place will get one free drawing request and a drawing of their version of the characters.

Starting to finish

The start is right now! And the finnish is the 3rd of August. To enter, just use #Rulesswap ! This content is also being held in both deltarune au aminos, deltarune amino, undertale and undertale au amino and lastly my DA.

Character information.

This is to help you a bit.

In this AU it is MANDATORY for a Darkner to wear gloves when in the presence of a Lightner because when a Lightner and a Darkner touch bad thing can happen. Usually, the Darkner absorbs the Lightner, merging the two and making it impossible to separate them without killing one or both. Once a Darkner has absorbed a Lightner (this is usually not by choice) they can absorb other Darkners as well except they have a say in the matter since they're now "evened out".

Lancer is a smol bean at first. Due to an unfortunate,unforgettable, and unforgivable incident with his father he has a clawed gash across his face. Due to this, he's now color blind. He tends to asks Ralsei and Rouxls Kaard if he'll ever see a rainbow again. Unfortunately, he probably wont. Now later on Lancer finds Susie injured and attempts to help her, not knowing the gloves rule. This, of course, results in them merging and he now sees Susie as his invisible friend. In battle he uses a boomerang and when knocked out an axe will spin above him. Thats just Susie being over protective.

Rouxls Kaard Was just as cheerful as all usual until the incident happened or what the dark world likes to call it "The fall of the spades". After Lancer had been injured, Rouxls took it appon himself to get even with the spade king and by even I mean strait up beat the guy to a bloody pulp and toss him off the side of the castle. Of course, this most definitely killed the king and the kingdom was not happy. Rouxls, knowing about the geat door, took Lancer and C.Round to the door to escape. The guards chased them and they barely made it in. From then on they lived with Ralsei. Things were fine at first until the merging happened. Lancer had gone off and Rouxls was worried where he had run off too. So he went to go look for Lancer, accidentally passing him and Susie. He then found Kris who was concerned or at least curious where their friend went. Rouxls, not able to turn down any child at this point, agreed to help Kris find their friend when they heard Lancer yell "Dad! I'm lost!" Rouxls, in a rush, grabbed Kris and ended up merging with them. Rouxls Kaard is now a very very silent person and seems to have some personal grudge against Ralsei now, as if he knows something that he didn't before. Rouxls with occasionally talk to his soul but its very rare for him to talk at all. Rouxls use to lance in his pare time so uh..thats kinda how he attacks I guess.

Ralsei is alot taller than usual. He's about 6 feet, maybe a little shorter. This makes him a bit intimidating but Lancer loves him as if he was his own dad. Ralsei is kinda quiet but will talk if someone talks to him first. He's pretty nice and tends to take care of things when Rouxls needs a break. After Rouxls and Lancer's merging with the Lightners him and Rouxls haven't gotten along. They tend to fight (usually not physically because Lancer would notice) fairly often and it causes alot of tension. Lancer thinks his dads get along great so they have to at least pretend to like each other when smol bean is around. Ralsei, though very polite, has someone wrong. Very wrong. Its hard to describe but lets just say hes not all that he seems. He's been caught by Rouxls trying to absorb C.Round and Lancer wich has increased the distrust. No one knows who Ralsei merged with but he hates talking about it and seems to have developed a fear of flowers. Mostly big ones. Ralsei, even though he has poor eyesight, thends to avoid wearing his glasses because when he dose he freaks out. Ralsei is fairly skilled in fire magic due to him practicing alot. He also has vines, though extremely rare. He usually avoids using them at all costs and when he dose its purely accidental.

Jevil oh Jevil. Just as crazy as ever, maybe even more. He's still imprisoned but this time he wants to make a deal with you. He wants your soul. Jevil says that he can literally give you the world if you give him your soul. He'll sing about it during his fight and increasingly get more frustrated when you refuse. This Jevil loves to sing so more often then not he'll sing what he has to say. At the end if his fight, no matter how you defeated him, he'll turn into a scythe. Usually Lancer and Rouxls Kaard leave since they find the dungeon creepy but Ralsei will stay behind and take Jevil for himself.

Seam is the courtyard magician to the new king. Who's the new King? you'll find out later. He's a fairly straightforward cat and prefers to keep his magic acts as a profession. He admits that he misses Jevil but is to scared to go and see him again. He's afraid Jevil will be mad for imprisoning him. This leads Seam to be a bit jumpy since he thinks Jevil might have it out for him.

RK's C.Round dosent have much to be said about them. They fallowed Rouxls Kaard and Lancer to the great door. They lived with them kinda like a pet, keeping Lancer company and out of trouble. They're a great guard dog.

Asgore? You may be a bit confused. Why is Asgore in all of this? He's not even in the picture! Well do I have a story for you. You see, in the light world AKA hometown Asriel has been deemed missing since he went off to collage. Its been 3 years longer than he said and everyone was worried. So when Asgore went missing things got hectic. Undyne started doing more patrols and a curfew was set. Now, where do you think the last place Asgore was seen at was? It was the school. Asgore was helping fix some things and went to put something in the closet when he somehow entered the Dark World. There are multiple entrances and he just so happened to appear by the castle. The other kings had yet to be freed and the kingdom was in disarray so Asgore, being the kind hearted soul he is decided that he would be the new king. It took some convincing and research (as much as there could be) but he finally did it and the people are fairly happy.

Dogtrio is a set of 3 C/K.Rounds that work together. C/K.Rounds are more powerful in numbers. The one with the heart on his crown is their leader. He usually commands and heals the other two during battle. Together, combined, they can summon D.O.G. The acronym is unknown.

Robbert, Bobbert, and Elli are best if friends and like to change anyone. More specifically, they want to take down RK for killing the spade king. Unfortunately, they're just 3 idiots in a trenchcoat. The only lethal one is Robbert but he's so busy trying to make sure his friends don't fall off a clif or miss fire their bubble rocket launcher that he can't actually kill you. Bobbert is bubbly and kind and honest doesn't know what he's doing. Elli is mute yet kind and heals the other two when they get hurt.

Susie was absorbed by Lancer and is now considered his guardian. She protects him when no one else is around and helps describe colors to him. She'd go ballistic if anything happened to him.

Kris is just...Kris? They don't have too much do them. They don't talk and kinda just float around RK, waiting for the chance to escape. But they can't. They never will. It's slowly making them violent. Watch out.

Clover is just normal clover. They still haven't found a boyfriend yet.

[huggiesforholly]

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.

"We have to make sure it hasn't spread." That is not something you want to hear from a doctor once you receive a cancer diagnosis but that's the situation that we were suddenly put in. Not only did I have a tumor in my right breast but we learned that it had spread to a nearby lymph node. This discussion was at our consultation which was only six days after that initial phone call with the biopsy results but it definitely felt like much longer than that. Once I was told that I had breast cancer it was as if time stood still. Eric and I told a few close friends and family members those first few days but until we knew more, we kept our upsetting news close to the chest (pun intended). Each day since the diagnosis felt like it took an eternity and somehow the next day took even longer. We were left with too much time for our minds to wander and, of course, search on the internet (which I have mostly refrained from after years of practice!). My mind went to the darkest, worst case scenarios as it often does when I'm stressed about something. My number one concern? Hailey. Will I be around to watch her grow up? Will she remember me if I don't beat this? I hate that her first year of life is being overshadowed by this and I can't fully enjoy the memories that we're making. But I have to turn those negative thoughts and feelings off and be strong. Be strong for myself, for my family, for my friends, and, most importantly, for Hailey. She is watching me and even if she doesn't remember this, I want her to see how hard I'm fighting. So instead of worrying about future what ifs I have to focus on the current task at hand: Beating Cancer. As well as an even more pressing matter to tackle: weaning off breastfeeding and switching Hailey to formula.

I wanted to make it to at least six months. Six months of breastfeeding seemed to be a realistic goal for me once both Hailey and I got used to it and found what worked for us. To have to abruptly stop by neither my choice or my daughter's choice was/ is tough. We almost made it to that mark and I'm grateful I was able freeze some of my milk along the way. But I'm still sad to have to put an end to this part of motherhood. Thankfully we've been having her feed from a bottle at least once a day since practically day one so that helps our cause. She had some formula her first couple weeks of life when she dropped a lot of weight in the hospital but we didn't think she digested it as well as breast milk. But at least we had a few weeks while I got additional testing done so we could slowly reduce the amount of breast milk she consumed and increase the amount of formula. It is quite overwhelming trying to figure out which formula to attempt though. Formula is expensive and once you open it, you have to use it within a certain amount of time and obviously you can't return it once it's open. There are so many different brands and types, how do you choose? And what works for the baby one week might not work for them the next week. I know people that have tried seemingly every brand that's been made trying to find the right one for their baby. We were very fortunate that one of the many, many people that have offered their help (a separate thank you post to all will be forthcoming) came to our rescue! Shout out to nurse Lauren at Hailey's pediatrician office for hooking us up with free formula samples to try! It's been a slow process with a few minor bumps along the way but I'm happy to report that Hailey is adjusting fairly well to formula. This has actually been more difficult for me than her. Drying up my supply has been tedious despite attempting all the tricks that I was told to try: Altoids, peppermint tea, Sudafed, and (the weirdest one) cabbage leaves directly on my skin. As fun as all of that was, what has worked the best has been stretching out the feed/ pump times and only pumping long enough to relieve the discomfort. And there is just no getting used to those formula poops! The smell turns my stomach like nothing else. But I digress... As exhausting as breastfeeding was at times, having to end it has been more emotional than I was anticipating. When I get upset thinking about how I may never experience breastfeeding again and how I was forced to stop it prematurely, I try to remind myself that I gave Hailey almost six months of nourishment solely from my body (and nine months before that in-utero!). And that's pretty incredible. And something that I'm very proud of.

It's weird how something called 'triple negative' can actually be seen as a positive. At least in my eyes it can be. My type of breast cancer is triple negative which means it's not hormone driven. However that does make it harder to treat since it's a more aggressive kind. But knowing that all of the medications that I took during the IVF process didn't have anything to do with this breast cancer made it all a little better and it just confirmed again to me that Hailey was brought to us for a very special reason.

Along with the type and severity of the cancer, we also learned on that consultation day that I would have to do several rounds of chemotherapy and immunotherapy. My heart sank when the word "chemo" came out of the doctor's mouth. I was hopeful that all I would need is surgery and the cancer would be taken care of. That was naive of me to think that but at that point I really had no idea what any of this information that was being thrown at me meant. It turned out I would have to do chemotherapy, surgery and perhaps radiation after that depending on the type of surgery I had and how I responded to treatments. The 'good news' was that I would be doing chemo before getting any kind of surgery so that meant I could wean off breastfeeding more slowly. Meaning I didn't have to delay starting chemotherapy if I was still producing milk once treatments began; I could just "pump and dump". And that really is as glamourous as it sounds. When I think of chemotherapy my mind automatically pictures someone looking very frail, bald and vomiting. Most everyone hates throwing up but I'm terrified of it. I will do anything and everything in order not to do it. Somehow I was lucky enough to make it through my entire pregnancy and then a c-section without throwing up so I'll have to keep reminding myself of that and that if I was okay then, I'll be okay now. It's still very daunting.

Before I could begin chemo, I would have to go through many tests to make sure the cancer hadn't spread and to gather more information. First up was a mammogram and genetic testing after our consultation. I had never gotten a mammogram before and I built it up in my mind that is was going to hurt much more than it actually did. -- PSA: women should be screened for breast cancer before age 40 regardless of family history! Earlier screening for other cancer's as well (colon). Please and thank you! -- Genetic testing was just a simple blood test that checked over 20 different genes to see if there was anything else of concern that was found. I wouldn't get those results for almost two weeks. This one wasn't as distressing to me as some of the other tests were somehow but just as important. For Hailey's sake especially.

I received the results of the mammogram later that day over the phone and it pretty much confirmed their findings from the biopsy but thankfully it didn't show any other cancer in the right breast and nothing in the left breast. I learned that I have very dense tissue, which isn't a bad thing but that it's just harder to see details on imaging. And since I was still breastfeeding, it's even more challenging to decipher what is normal and what is not. So a chest MRI would be next. That wasn't so bad either other than the ill-fitting pants I was given to wear and laying on my stomach on a very hard surface after eating a big meal. And I got to choose what to listen to in the headphones they gave me to drown out the MRI noises so I picked 90's pop, of course. What was bad was that barium drink I had to have that following morning! I was scheduled to have a PET/ CT scan of my pelvis, abdomen and lungs and then a few hours after that, a full body bone scan to make sure the cancer hadn't metastasized. Those were the tests that Eric and I were worried about the most. Now, unfortunately, I fully understand what people mean when they refer to "scanxiety". The absolute worst feeling is sitting, waiting, wishing for those results! Other than that less than appetizing barium beverage, the tests themselves were relatively quick and easy. And the snowstorm that morning kept up with the trend of crummy weather on days I have appointments. But nothing was going to stop me from going to those tests because as much as waiting for the results suck, waiting to get scheduled for those tests is even worse. In a situation like this, you just want to get things moving along as quick as possible and not delay getting any treatments. Once my echo test to check my heart before getting chemo was done that next week, my menagerie of tests were finally complete.

The dreaded yet eagerly anticipated phone call from my doctor at the breast care center came later that same day as the tests. The results were in and there was no evidence that the cancer had spread anywhere else in my body!! The weight of the world was instantly off my shoulders. At least temporarily. The MRI showed a few more areas of 'potential concern' in the same breast and nearby lymph nodes that were still difficult to see because I was still lactating. But that wouldn't change the chemotherapy that was discussed and we would proceed as planned. A week later I received the results of my genetic testing and it all came back negative! So hopefully Hailey will be okay later in life in that regard and I'm just the one in the family with the crummy luck. It's frustrating that I don't have the answer of why or how this happened still but at least I had the peace of mind that everything was checked out thoroughly and that we now had a solid plan to shrink/ kill the cancer. Next, as we waited for the chemo port installation, would be mulling over a second opinion to make sure I was really on the best path to recovery.

[weirdfairytales]

Hi! A new reader here, just finished Bluebird the other day and it was amazing. I'm in love with your writing and characterization. For the fanfic author ask meme i'm really curious about 1, 12, 19, 26 & 50.

Ahhh, thank you very much! I’m so, so happy you enjoyed it! 1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today?Haha, I mean technically it’s Flip a Coin, though honestly I’m not sure if it really counts, since it was kind of just a response to all the ridiculous top/bottom MikaYuu discourse that was going on at the time. It wasn’t serious in the slightest. I haven’t read it in a long time, though, and I probably won’t any time soon. Honestly, I’m kind of scared to find out how bad it is lol

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why?Oh, definitely. I’ve written some smut that I’ll take to my fucking grave lmao. But other than that, I’ve written a lot of first chapters for stories that I never posted for various reasons. One time it was because someone else actually posted something really similar before I had a chance to finish my own story. Most of the time, though, it’s because the idea for the fic was just a bit too out there, and I didn’t think anyone would be interested. 

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick?That’s a hard one, but… I guess maybe chapter 18 of Cherry Boy, “Exercise Your Right to Fuck All The Sandcastles You Want” lol. For those who haven’t read CB, that’s the chapter where Mika, Yuu and his friends explore the abandoned mental hospital. Most of the chapter is absurd, hyperbolic humor, as is sort of the standard with my writing, but near the end, there’s a tone shift. The second to last scene is creepy and serious, but once you get to the last scene, everything’s lighthearted again. I think that’s a fairly good representation of my fanfic “portfolio” as it stands right now. It’s humorous and lighthearted most of the time, but once in a while, I’ll write something serious, sad, or even kind of scary. Despite all that, though, everything always works out for the characters in the end. 

26. What aspect of your writing do you most enjoy to see praised?I guess I’d have to say the emotional aspects. I absolutely love when people tell me that my writing made them feel something. Like, I’m pretty damn stoic IRL; I can count the number of times I’ve been brought to tears over a work of fiction  on one hand. So yeah, hearing that my writing was powerful enough to make someone far away feel sad, or happy, or even disgusted… idk, it kind of blows my mind, honestly lol50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?It has! I’d say it’s been almost entirely positive, as well. I started writing fanfiction in 2015, and since then I’ve met so many fantastic people through fandom. The overwhelming majority of feedback I’ve received has been positive, and as a result, my self esteem is much better than it was before I started writing fic.

[doorbloggr]

Monday 7/6/21 - Head Full, Gotta Empty It Out

This post will not be a structured information piece or a short essay about some societal trend. It might not even be coherent, but it doesn't need to be. I started this blog because my head generates a lot of thoughts, and I feel at ease once I have sent those thoughts into the void.

I am NOT saying I am an impressively smart person, probably the opposite. I have a very short attention span, and my consciousness will jump from topic to topic on the fly. Today my head is particularly full. So I wanna just use today's Blog Post to just dump the stuff on my mind today, without a central theme. Just so its in writing.

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First of all I had an apple for lunch and it got stuck in my teeth. I have metal retainers on the back of my upper and lower teeth, and though you can't see them normally, that doesn't stop them from trapping food. This may seem like a weirdly random thing to demand my full attention but its been like 40 mins now and the sensation is seriously bothering the hell out of me.

***

Secondly, I really love my friends. I word vomit everything on my mind at many hours of the day into out group-chats and they are very supportive.

***

I have the Spoon Theory on my mind because I've recently been struggling to balance my social, emotional, and creative wellbeing. I still live with my parents, and there's this sort of reading between the lines emotional blackmail thing where if I don't spend my free time at home with the family, I must hate them and don't want to be a part of the family. I do not have a diagnosed mental illness yet, but I have been pursuing an answer, and I'm sure I have some sort of issue with effort and emotional energy. My artistic endeavours usually happen late at night because that's when I have no obligation to spend time with family, and although last week was a particularly productive week for art, my mind became very numbed and my sleep schedule suffered.

I want to art more during the day, but I have to work, and if i shut myself in my bedroom in the afternoon too much, my family become judgey and I hate that energy.

***

I've become addicted to McDonald's Hot Chocolates lately. The weather is getting pretty cold in my part of the world and although I often go through Maccas Drivethru on the way to things anyway, I've been substituting Large Coke for Large Hot Chocolate. I don't know if this is an improvement or a bad change, nutritionally speaking, but I subconsciously made the decision to get a McDonalds Hot Chocolate like 4 times in a row now, and after work today (where I am now and will be for like 10 more minutes), I will probably get another one.

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The students at this school I've been working at recently say I look like Seth Rogen. This has happened at a few schools. I don't think it's an insult, but I am offended.

Left: Me (tired after work), Right: Seth Rogen (the faker)

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In our D&D group, on Friday, we had a ridiculously unlucky set of dice rolls, and three player's characters died. I spent Friday and Saturday, online and in person, designing the looks of everyone's new characters and I'm fairly happy with the results. Particularly with my character, I tried a tactic that a streamer talked about, where she studied a few character she liked and the end result was an amalgamation character combining all their best physical traits. I made a post about it on my Art Archive Tumblr you can read here.

New characters (mine is far left)

***

2 weeks ago I went to my GP to ask if he thinks I have a mental illness and he was stupidly unhelpful. He gave me 5 minutes and then gave me a referral to get a Pathology Blood Test to determine if there are any physical symptoms we could fix first. And because I have all these communication issues, that I want to attribute to a potential mental condition, I have been putting off actually organising this blood test. It is very stressful, knowing that this process could be further along but because I have all this anxiety I'm stuck.

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Thats enough word vomit for now. Come back later this week for something more coherent and informative.

***

Oh and I came out as Bisexual on Twitter the other day. It's not really a fact about myself I conceal from others, but I don't think I've ever said it out loud on the internet. So that's cool.

[i-just-really-like-ladies]

Hey op, I saw your post about discovering you were autistic. Something similar is happening to me except I haven't gone for a diagnosis yet. Would it be okay for you to talk about how you knew?

For me there are things that...fit really well, that hit very close to home, but others not so, so Im not sure if whatever it is that I've got (because clearly, something is there.) I'm not very sure if the autistic spectrum can be so wide as for me to be included in it.

Any tips?

Of course, happy to help.

For me there were three kind of bigger indicators.

First, and after discussing this one with my therapist, it seems to be very consistent across autistic people: I've always felt different. Like I knew that I was at the very least slightly off in comparison to other people. (Please excuse the phrasing, I couldn't think of another way to put it properly).

Second, linked with the first: I have always experienced this thing I like to describe as 'not feeling like a real person'. All that really means is that I see the way other people are out laughing boldly with friends or joking or just straight up experiencing the world, and I think "man, I wish I could be a real person." And it always made me sad because I was consciously realising that I cannot and do not experience the world in the same way most neurotypical people do. It was just this huge feeling of otherness. (My therapist indicated that this is very common)

Third: masking. Now, this one made me feel bad for a really long time because I had no clue what was going on until my ex-girlfriend was like "oh, yeah, that's masking." For me, one of the biggest ways I mask is to copy mannerisms and speech patterns of people I'm around. I do it the most when I really like someone (friend like or romantically) or when a person makes me so extremely uncomfortable that I guess my brain is like "you need to mimic them for safety reasons." The reason this one bothered me so much is that I always felt like I just couldn't have my own personality, why was I always copying other people, surely they've all noticed and think I'm a fucking weirdo. It was very upsetting until I learned it was masking. Finding that out has helped me to accept it when I do it, even though I am trying to mask less.

So, those are the big three. There are lots of other minor things. I have ocd, which very commonly goes hand in hand with Autism. I got that need for rigid schedule and following the same patterns almost daily (slight variations are okay, but people planning stuff and not telling me when I've already set up my personal schedule for the day in my head, big no no). I eat the same foods on repeat and have an extremely difficult time changing it up. When I like food or dislike it, the primary reason is texture. (My fiance actually pointed this one out. Apparently I talk about the texture of food a ton).

I'm sure you've probably come across information about the emotionality of Autistic people. The common trope is that we are very emotionless. However, thats not accurate at all. There are two main big categories of where we can fall: tending to not feel emotions very strongly (the trope), and feeling emotions very intensely, more intensely than neurotypical society says is appropriate 🙄. I fall into this category, and I hate it because I have spent so much time trying to just not feel my emotions because they are so intense and my expression of them is 'inappropriate' that it has caused a great many mental health issues for me. So the eye roll face is because I think that the appropriate expression of emotion dictated by most of society is stupid. Along with this one, I have a hard time verbalizing and verbally identifying how I am feeling. As a result, I tend to just tell people I am upset. My therapist says this is somewhat common amongst Autistic individuals. I cannot recall the reasoning she gave for it being common, but I am including it because it was brought up in the process of discussing all this.

I also have this huge tendency to overexplain my reasons for things I've done or said because I do not want to be misunderstood/I have experienced misunderstanding so many times that I learned to do this at some point (I consider this to be part of my masking). This one seems to be pretty common, at least from tiktok. I've seen a lot of Autistic people on tiktok mention it.

Side note in relation to this but still relevant to the post imo, I hate that society tends to think you are lying the more detail you provide. I have a tendency to find all details absolutely vital. So when telling someone about what happened in a situation, I relay as much information as I can. Apparently, that means you are lying. It frustrates me a lot.

In that same vein, another thing my therapist said is fairly common: many Autistic people like to ask why continuously. Not as in just repeating "why," but rather that someone will say "I don't know" or provide an answer, but we often are still seeking a further reason. I've done this my entire life, and booooy does it aggravate people. For me it is just that I want to know the reasoning behind things. I want to know as much information as possible about the topic, and, as mentioned above, I tend to find every single detail absolutely important. That just leads to continuously asking why.

So another one for me, of which I am unsure the commonality: I have a very difficult time maintaining friendships unless I see someone most days of the week. I would say about 5 out of the 7 makes it the easiest for me, but it has worked out on less than that, rarely. The reason for this is that I forget to talk to people when I cannot physically see them. I mean, I just don't think about it for weeks on end. Then I will for a second, but won't message them because I'm doing something, and then forget about it again for ages. Part of this is that I prefer in person communication because I can try to read people's body language and facial expressions. The other part is tone of voice is more clear in person than via text. Now, this one bothered me when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic because it is common for Autistic people to not recognise facial cues and body language the same way as neurotypical people. Turns out, according to my testing results paperwork, i just have a higher ability to recognise facial expressions than most people diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So, I just vary a bit from the average.

Within this same vein is the commonly known 'eye contact issue'. The stereotype is that we cannot and do not make eye contact. This is so false. Many Autistic people do not make eye contact well, yes, but not all. For example, I do. I told one of my brothers I was getting tested for Autism and his response was, and I quote literally here, "I don't think you're Autistic because you make eye contact." What he didn't know is the reason why I make eye contact. I do it because I was taught repeatedly that it is how you show people you are listening. So, basically, I'm masking when I make eye contact because I'm solely doing it to show someone I am listening to them. In fact, 😆 I commonly am sitting there telling myself to make eye contact in order to indicate that I am present and interested in what the other person is saying. I also have a harder time masking this way when attempting to talk about things that are important and emotionally relevant to me. In therapy, I rarely make eye contact with my therapist because it is so difficult to talk about things in general that I cannot also make eye contact. Lastly, for this one, the more comfortable I am with someone, the less I make eye contact with them. My fiance, for example, not very common at all that I do it.

There is also the very common special interests phenomenon. The media tends to show this as a math or science thing, but it really isn't. I follow one tiktoker whose special interest is bugs and, I believe, art. I highly recommend her. Her handle is: soundoftheforest. For me, it's language/linguistics and ancient egypt, Greece and Rome. Really, I'd say ancient anywhere history, but those are the big three. Egypt has been my longest interest, besides language. I actually remember the moment I was like "this is it for life." I was 7 and had finished my library books but was bored at daycare. So I went to the book shelf and picked up a book about King Tut. It was the page I read about the day Howard Carter found the tomb. And I just knew me and Ancient Egypt were meant to be forever. As for language, I've literally always been fascinated by it. I started speaking very early and with more complex words than is usual. And I just continued to love language from there. I ended up studying ancient Greek and Latin in college. Also, I info dump about these all the time, almost anytime I possibly can because they're so fucking cool. 😁

Another side note, it is common for Autistic individuals to have delays in speaking, I just did not. It is not something required for the diagnosis. It is just very common.

This one is a little bit weird, and might just be a me thing, but I've discussed it with my therapist. She indicated that it very much aligns with Autism. I cannot, or can but with extreme apprehension and knowledge that I will leave depressed; I simply cannot go into buildings of certain lighting, age, and design. It seems to be buildings that look and/or feel like they were built in the 1960s or 1970s. We haven't really figured out why that is a thing, but it is. I once didn't bother to finish applying for a job to teach Latin that I'd basically been guaranteed so long as I sent in the app because when I went for the interview I saw the building and knew I could not teach there, even part time, because the building would depress me constantly. It's a weird one, but if you have anything at all where you just cannot do it because you know it will affect you like this, I'd bring it up in discussing potentially being Autistic.

I nearly forgot to mention this one, but you've probably heard about the sensory issues that many Autistic people deal with. I have some with touching things, but it is less common an issue for me than my sound sensitivity issues. I am very sensitive to sound. If I had to give a 4th big reason, this would be it because I get overstimulated and overwhelmed by sound multiple times a day. Its rough. If you also have this issue, I cannot recommend enough noise cancelling headphones and chew stim toys when you don't have your headphones. It's really helpful.

This last one I'm going to mention is something that I think I do just to help prevent burnout from masking, but is also part of me specifically. I am an introvert. So that plays a role in this. I spend the vast majority of my time completely by myself. I do mean even when at home with my fiance. We are often in different rooms. I have no problem with it. It doesn't feel like it is bad for our relationship, thankfully. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. The more time I spend around people, the more time afterwards I need alone. That is partially my introvertedness but also me needing to because I am socially exhausted from masking and trying to read all the social cues and not make weird errors when in social settings 😳, which I do a lot. I think I just default to spending time by myself when I am not required to engage with people in order to ensure that I can later. Plus, in discussing this one with my therapist, we concluded that I do this at least in part to prevent burnout and overstimulation.

As for the testing itself. I discussed this with my therapist for a while when waiting to get tested, and by the time I did get tested, I had a nice long list of stuff to bring up. I would definitely recommend compiling a list of the symptoms/signs you feel are indicative for yourself. It was very quick after I first brought it up in therapy that I decided I needed the official diagnosis for myself. So my therapist gave me recommendations of who to see. I also looked myself because the recommended people were so booked they couldn't even schedule further out. Once I got it scheduled, I had to wait like 3 months for the appointments. So, if you are seeking the official diagnosis, don't give up because it's a long wait. From what I've seen others saying, it's pretty common to have to wait a bit to be seen.

There were 3 appointments, an intake, a testing, and a feedback appointment. The intake appointment involved me talking to the doctor about my experiences and why I thought I might be autistic. She asked me a few questions about the more commonly known signs of autism if I did not mention them. The testing appointment took about 4 hours and involved a self report personality assessment, several verbal and memory activities, a teaching activity, two story telling/creating activities, and (the part I thought was most difficult) an activity in which I had to identify the emotion being expressed by just the eye and eyebrow area of black and white photos of people. I also had a take home assessment for someone who knew me really well. It was related to executive functioning abilities and emotional regulation abilities. I cannot speak on the feedback appointment because of technical issues resulting in not actually having that appointment. I have rescheduled it and will be doing that later this month.

If you have anything more specific you want to ask me about, please do. I am happy to answer.