#i didnt even go to my college graduation i didn't bother

[beauzos]

it's always hard when you're just waiting for the time to leave for something... going to a sort of belated Halloween Party tonight so i'm just sitting here dressed like a cowboy. watching the minutes very slowly tick by till i can leave.

[thegreatclowncat]

Woah, could you tell us more about your house that was inhabited by demons? I’m glad you’re alright :0

on it, boss

and thanks!

ok this is going to be veeerrry personal. mental health, religion, stuff

so i rented out a room inside of a condo for my sophomore-senior year of college with two other people. It was a narrow house, with all the bedrooms on the 2nd floor. Mine was at the top of the stairs, the rest were down a hallway. In retrospect, we had nothing that would leak gases into the house that would make us hallucinate or feel weird. everything indoors was electric, and the water heater was in an outdoor room with open-air access outside. However, we had no carbon monoxide meter, so. that's for anyone to speculate.

I started noticing that feeling of being watched coming from down the hallway on days when I was there alone, but I shrugged it off and attributed it to the fact I've felt that way ever since I was a little kid (to the point I had phobias of dark windows, closets, mirrors, and photos with eyes in them)

Walking towards my roommate's room always felt like I was descending into a pit. Like sudden full-body goosebumps, intense thoughts like "go away. go away turn around", it seeming 2x darker than the rest of the hallway, etc.

At some point I started seeing stuff back there, but turning to look at it directly, there'd be nothing. I just kinda treated it all like whatever. When i was 13 i had major depressive disorder to the point I developed hallucinations for a brief time. I just figured it was the same old stuff.

Until my roommates started talking about it. They knew about it for a long time. they called it "the house ghost" and hoped it was friendly. I didn't really care about it then either. It wasn't a problem, especially when my roommates were there.

then suddenly, i was alone. my a-spiritual roommate graduated and moved out, and the roommate whose room was at the back of the hall- her mental health got so bad that she had to move back home. ✨ForeShadowing✨. She would visit occasionally, but I was alone most of the time, and this was when covid started so I was stuck inside the house all day, too.

I do not know when or why they were there. I don't know why they were rooted onto that last room. at one point I braved the hallway and opened my roommate's room (I had to put something of hers inside). I didn't get a good look around, but there was a giant band poster taking up half of her wall that was just a very large hastily-painted eye. literally no idea if that's significant in any way lmao, it just scared the crap out of me (see eye phobia). Later on, that same roommate left a wiccan book on the kitchen counter. Are demons attracted to things like that? the book probably, but the rest, I am unsure. I don't know how many other wiccan or new age things like that she had in her room either. I can only speculate on whether or not she intentionally invited them, unintentionally did, or if they were there before all of us.

I am unsure why I believed there were three. I think it felt like three.

well, at this point it becomes a lot more subjective. All i can describe it as is: the things in the house reallllyyy didnt like me, and their old target left.

I didn't know a lot of my own promises as a Christian, like that demons couldn't hurt me or anything and that I am inherently protected and etc etc. I did not know I had authority over them and could tell them to skedaddle. I was afraid of them, and honestly that's the worst thing a person can be lol. I do think demons can *torment* someone, but only if they're given permission to. I mean, they could never hurt me -directly-, only... bother me, a lot. especially attacking places where i was still broken inside, and bringing up things and mental problems i struggled with a lot in the past

I was quite happy at this point in my life, even with the isolation. I really didn't like being in school, though. content warning for this next paragraph, self injurious ideation:

But out of the blue, I started getting intense intrusive thoughts about self harm and suicide. It was near constant sentences sounding off in my head. I say that, because I don't naturally have an internal monologue. So I... attributed it to the isolation. I didn't pay attention to the fact that it only happened when I was inside the house. After a few months of that, it started stressing me out. One day, my very religious mother visited, and I had to leave for a few hours. When I got back, she pulled me aside and said that the whole time she was in my room, something kept trying to tell her to jump off my balcony, among other things. She started blasting praise music through speakers, but said "for some reason, it was really, really difficult." I think i just started crying. I asked her how many demons there were in the house. she said, "three." Gosh, I wish I knew how to tell them off at the time. anyway

She didn't know how I could live through that every day for the last however long it was. I didn't know either. It didn't get better after that. Normally, they couldn't come in my room, full stop. but there was one time i unintentionally agreed with something demonic (i didnt think it was inherently bad on the surface) and didn't realize, that night I saw someone standing in my room. eventually, i printed out Bible verses and taped them to all of the walls around the house so I could recite them as I walked to my room.

unfortunately that was also the start of me not being able to listen to secular music, bc some bands would also bring them closer.

As far as I myself went, I started having intense mood swings, nightmares, depressive episodes, the most major dissociation i've ever experienced in my life, and the stress started ruining my digestive system to the point where I had to stop eating solid food for a little bit. That was the beginning of my last 3 years of sickness.

i made a funny tiktok that no longer exists online making fun of the whole house situation, and im quite proud of it but it has my face in it, so no one gets to see it :P

I FINALLY got out of the house, and moved away, but sadly my problems stuck. persistent indigestion and malnutrition worsened mental health to the point I stopped making enough neurotransmitters to feel emotions and sleep and have a normal memory, i was absolutely tortured with different things. i was so afraid of messing up and making demons hurt me (which was a lie. a lie very useful for them)(i believe it's called legalism, which, bad). I was a complete mess, physically mentally spiritually.

but yeah it took 3 years to learn that i can just. act in the authority i was given. fully believe im protected and forgiven and healed, even in my mind. command things to leave and they have to. i also started listening to music again, bc i know things cannot hurt me anymore. i dont have to be afraid of anything. ever again.

i'm all better now, i havent had neurotransmitter problems in ages, my stomach is healed, i get to exercise soon, the mood swings went away, i rarely ideate bad things, i dont remember my last depressive episode, and i havent had intrusive or bad thoughts in a while! i mean im still kind of weird and eccentric but that's to be expected

[ihatecispeople]

hi! sorry to bother you, but every time you talk about you’re schooling, it sounds so fun and enriching! could you tell me more about what going to college and so on was like for you? I’d love to hear : )

PLEASE DONT THINK YOU NEED TO KNOW EXACTLY OR EVEN REMOTELY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO OUT OF THE GATE. i didnt!!!!! i still dont!!!! if i make it sound like my academic journey was ever straightforward or a conventional path or even one in which i felt i had any control over what was going on, MY INTERNET PERSONA IS LYING TO YOU.

so dont fucking worry about not knowing exactly how you're gonna spend the rest of your life

i did natural sciences in highschool in anticipation to go to med school

realised after a breakdown in my second year of hs that i wasnt suited to go to med school, so applied for a civil engineering course in biochem

realised 3/4 of my first year at uni that i really really really didn't want to end up working in the medical field at all and that every course bored me to death and i was failing my exams as a result

dropped out of uni

wanted to study english literature but was denied to do so in sweden due to not taking enough literature courses in HS (because i was a natural sciences major and took 6 courses in maths instead), so applied across the UK

didnt end up getting a spot in any of the prestigious unis i wanted to go to, so ended up in my "settle" uni

my settle uni was one of only two unis i had applied to that offers pre-honours undergrads to change their major no issue

switch from english literature to english langauge and linguistics in my 2nd year because linguistics was the only thing i did well in (because it was the only interesting course for me)

planned to do a dissertation in psycholinguistics so took several courses in preparation to do that

realised that my volunteering work with an interfaith charity (that i'd started working with only because i needed Non-Uni Friends) had raised a really interesting question about the linguistic assumption that ethnicity > religion in minority community speech and identity construal

did my diss in sociolinguistics + theology

enquired about postgrad funding because im a filthy first gen working class university graduate so couldn't self-fund and had no family contacts to rely on

managed to get funding by some fucking miracle to continue the initial research i did for my undergrad

extended my masters because i was hospitalised for hilarious transgender sex related injuries

finally started my phd

here we are

[charrfie]

Alright now that its officially Forzen Friday let's try this post again since it didn't show up in the tags last time-

I'M FINALLY MAKING A FORZEN HC DUMP (kinda AU-ish territory but not really idk exactly) AND NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME

There are also a few other hcs sprinkled in here related to other characters (like Darnold and Sunkist for example) but Forzen is the main focus!! Despite him being a minor character I latched onto him and fleshed him out sm yall have no idea

Everything under the cut bc this shit is gonna be LONG (and there's also some more doodles that take up a bit of space!)

Also uhh if people like this I might take one for another hlvrai character later bc I have a lot to say about everyone!!

Forzen moved from France to the US with his parents when he was around 12 or 13 (yes, I'm aware that Scorpy and Holly are French Canadian and not France French but that doesn't mean Forzen can't be, I'm just being sure to say this now before someone says something to me about it)

He wanted to go to college and eventually become a game dev, but he didn't have the funds or the support for it (his family thought anything to do with games would amount to a career that would go nowhere).

Because of this, he instead was recruited in the US military. He originally had no intent to join, but after constantly being harrassed recommended to join and being entertained with the concept of being able to afford and pay for college, he caved (hence him telling the science team that his only goal is "to graduate").

He doesn't like his job very much if that wasn't clear.

And neither do most others that have the same job like him.

He was put on a "team" of his own, Team Nice, which was likely arranged as a guaranteed way to get Forzen in the way of danger, and with no one else fighting beside him, he would be easily dealt with- no one would have to worry about him bothering them again. However, he somehow manages to survive all of this, of course. Somehow. He likely knows the real reason he was assigned his own team (if you can even call it that), but refuses to fully acknowledge it for his own sanity, and instead pretends that he's some big, important person on a team that ranks so highly, he's the only one qualified to be in it. (I apologize ahead of time for giving one of the most shitposty and throwaway characters in hlvrai this much depth and angst, there was just potential there leave me alone)

Fast forward to the actual events of hlvrai though. This hc is a little outlandish but I really like the concept!!! So, at one point, Forzen is killed, presumably by some kind of creature that was out and about due to the RenCas. The science team + Benrey stumble across him (act 2 part 2 at around 13 min in for anyone curious), and Benrey decides to use the healing beam Sweet Voice on him. While Benrey and Forzen may not be on good terms anymore, Benrey still very begrudgingly cares about him and didn't want to see him get injured or die. Forzen wakes up a minute or so after the science team exits the room, assuming that he just passed out, nothing more, and goes along with things as normal.

He meets Darnold a while after his first (concious) run in with the science team. Darnold has recently dealt with the science team and helped them out, but is pretty bummed that he couldn't travel with them, as everything was far too scary and dangerous for him. Forzen, wanting to escape Black Mesa and the military altogether, ends up making a deal with him that he'll handle all the dangerous stuff if Darnold can show him a way out.

Now, meeting Darnold is a very new experience for him, since Darnold actually enjoys his company, and actually wants to befriend him! At first, Forzen openly tries to act as if Darnold is a huge deal to put up with- he goes along with with the whole "if you're escaping outta this hellhole with me, you better keep up" kinda deal (despite the fact that he kinda NEEDS Darnold to escape and show him the way out). His walls are still very much so raised, and he doesn't let his guard down as he's not used to others caring about him and his safety. But as time passes, he begins to realize that maybe Darnold DOES want to be his friend, and the tough guy act becomes less apparent.

To preface this next one- Sunkist sensed that something was up (he has a next-level sense of danger when it comes to Tommy's safety) and got to BM as fast as he could, searching every hallway for his boy. This is when Forzen finds him!! He figures that taking Sunkist as a hostage would be enough to get extra info out of the team that's been practically plaguing him lately.

Darnold doesn't know about Forzen's plans to take Sunkist hostage, so is completely fine with traveling alongside him. At one point though, Forzen and Darnold get separated (Forzen occupies him, makes sure hes safe and then runs off to deal with Sunkist). Darnold immediately uses his surroundings to model a quick little teleporter device to get Forzen back, because, you know, the man's a genius. Idc if its logical or not just go with it shhh I've gotta fill in the plotholes with something. That's why Forzen disappears all of a sudden after he's cornered by the science team. He just pops back in front of Darnold suddenly, all confused and loopy from the whole teleportation thing.

As things begin to wind down, Darnold and Forzen make it out of BM and start making a break for it, no idea how they'll get away from BM and to safety somewhere- they didnt really think things through.

Fortunately (or unfortunately for Forzen really), however, G-man picks both of them up. He means to drop Darnold off at Tommy's party, as he observed that Darnold helped his son to safety and is grateful for it. Forzen, though, he intends to "deal with" for messing things up so badly with Tommy, Sunkist, and all of Tommy's friends. This is where Darnold finds out about everything Forzen did and frankly gets really pissed with him since he thought he only had good intentions??? Luckily though, Darnold convinces G-man to give him a second chance, let him go to Tommy's party and apologize, and try things again. G-man, for some reasons agrees- probably bc hes in a good mood, as it IS his son's birthday.

The party is pretty uncomfortable to say the least. Tommy's extremely hesitant to talk to Forzen, but he does, and they end up on neutral terms by the end of it. Uneasy, but neutral. Tommy and Darnold hit it off though, and Tommy opens the invitation to Darnold that he can visit his place anytime now that everything at BM is over with.

As everyone's getting ready to leave, Forzen mentions to Darnold that he doesn't have a place to stay, seeing as the entire military was kinda. Yknow. Wiped out. Obviously wouldn't wanna go back to check anyways. And he has no interest in going home to his parents. So Darnold agrees to let him stay with him since they've become good pals over the course of everything.

Over time, Darnold visits Tommy more and more often. He starts bringing Forzen along, which Tommy is iffy of at first, but their dynamic starts to change and become more comfortable once Tommy sees that Forzen isnt interested in being enemies anymore.

Sunkist and Forzen still don't get along for a very long time. Or, well- it's moreso that Sunkist is very wary about Forzen, despite him not doing anything to harm either Sunkist or Tommy.

Oh yeah and almost forgot to mention one of my favorite hcs (that I PROMISE you started out as a joke but then I got attached) is Sunkist can talk!! So his first spoken interaction with Forzen after Forzen comes over to visit for the first time is literally just him being all threatening and laying down the ground rules bc he doesn't want Forzen to hurt Tommy at all in any way. And of course Forzen about has a heart attack bc "HUH??????? THERE'S A DOG THAT IS SPEAKING HUMAN WORDS TO ME"

UHH I HAVE MORE (I've written out so much shit about dynamics and what I'd think would happen even after all of this) BUT I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE TOO LONG like it already is SO I SUPPOSE I'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT FOR NOW!!!! I hope this isn't too ooc either, I just have Emotions about this series and write too much so why not share it yknow

[finding-flow]

No one will probably see this but I just want to vent lol

My sister and I live in an apartment near our college. A few days ago I was just lying in my bed and ready to sleep and then she goes and say "Buy me some cola" and I was like "I don't wanna" and not in a bitchy way but she was so offended or some shit??? I wouldn't have noticed because at first she was just pinching my sides playfully but then it started to hurt so I told her to sTOP

Next day, she was ignoring me and even if I say anything to her, she just kept ignoring me.

For breakfast, (she usually cooks because I REALLY CAN'T) she only cooked for herself. And in my mind I was like "okay cool not that I need breakfast all the time"(kids i am wrong. EAT BREAKFAST). When I got back from school at around 1:30 PM, she already left because she has classes that start at 1 and the bitch already ate lunch and left her unwashed dishes again along with those she used for breakfast.

I didn't eat lunch again because jeez all her attitude resulted in me having no appetite. When she got home in the afternoon, she was mad because I didn't do the dishes.

The day after that was Saturday. She has class at 8 AM and when she left, she swung the door like really loud I'm sure the neighbors were woken up by that. Since I had nothing to do(lmao im kidding i have a ton of homework), I washed the dishes, did the laundry and cleaned our unit. I also cooked rice because that's the best i can do when it comes to cooking

When she got home, guess what?

Yeah, she was still mad : )

And guess what she did next?

Yeah, she opened some canned tuna or something and ate first : )

Fam I was still starving from the lack of food intake because of her tantrums and she just????? ate almost three quarters????? of the rice??????

Lastly, (this just happened like 10 minutes ago) I was watching vld shit on youtube and she throws her headphones at me and yells something like "use headphones u dumb shit" but seriously it's much more intense in our language(in case you understand Filipino she said "mag-headphones ka nga tanga). And i snapped

BOY DID I SNAP

BECAUSE, when I was just chilling and scrolling through my phone, she would blast music like SO FREAKING LOUD I'M SURE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE HEARD and I didnt bother silencing her.

Now she's telling me to use headphones??? BITCH???? I WASN'T EVEN LISTENING TO MUSIC??? JUST TALKING AND LAUGHTER??????

So then I said stuff, she said stuff.

Here comes the fun part.

She walks over to me, grabs my hair and pulls it (which of course includes my whole body because she's a big person)

The conversation after goes along the lines(Me, my sister)

What do you want from me?

I WANT YOU TO LEAVE

Why? You're not the one that pays for the apartment

Whatever just get out. Just go back home(to our house where our parents and lil bro live in). You won't even last here(she's referring to the university we go to)

Why would I want to last? I, like, wanna graduate??

A slut like you won't last here

Uhmm??? Excuse me??? How was I a slut???? Basically at this point she was grasping for any arguments(read: invalid arguments) to throw at me

And I'm just tired really