#i didn't want to start the episode because then the joy of anticipating it would be over

[ssouhekii]

ᵗʷⁱˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵍʳᵉᵉᵗⁱⁿᵍ ⁻ ᶠʸᵒˡᵃⁱ ° . ☆ • ° . ☆ ● . ○

fix-it fic, angst-comfort.

☆ wc -1.3k

warnings: blood, mentions of death and grieving, implied bipolar disorder in nikolai, sad clown ouuugh

Nikolai returned to his apartment, empty.

Empty-armed. He refused to carry the last piece of his best friend home with him. It was too much. He didn't need yet another reminder of Fyodor, not now. He buried the arm in the rubble of the crash, hands shaking as tears wet the dented glass shards. Nikolai had cut his hands profusely on them, gloves being stained just like Fyodor's bandages.

Empty-minded. Nikolai could think of nothing else, other than the crash. The way the helicopter fell to the ground. The way it caught in flames. The way that, just like that moment, Nikolai wasn't able to think. No, he kept his eyes forward and his mind blank. He would rather have nothing than lose something.

Empty-hearted. Nikolai Gogol had been drained of his joy, his energy, his love. There was nothing left of him. Every feeling that Nikolai had, every passion, died along with Fyodor. Fyodor had told him that he was fighting to lose himself, and now he had.

Nikolai had lost himself, because the only time he was ever really him was with Fyodor.

In all that day's madness, Nikolai hadn't eaten. He drudged to his little kitchen, and opened the door to his pantry. He didn't want to eat anything there. He wanted Fyodor.

With all his excitement and anticipation, Nikolai hadn't slept. He dragged himself to his bed and lied down. He didn't want to sleep, though. He wanted Fyodor.

With no thoughts in his mind, Nikolai hadn't bandaged his hands up. Nikolai didn't get out of bed, though. To bandage his hand would be to make it look the same as Fyodor's. He didn't want to keep bleeding. He wanted Fyodor. He just wanted Fyodor.

Just the idea of bandaging his hand brought tears to Nikolai's eyes. A bandaged hand like his. Salty tears stung the wounds as Nikolai brought his hands up to his face. For the millionth time that day, Nikolai wiped the tears from his eyes and the snot from his face, choking out sobs over the only person he'd ever loved.

Loved.

He had loved Fyodor, and he'd never even said it.

If a thousand more knives could've fit themselves into Nikolai's heart, then they did at that moment.

Nikolai had spent all their time together peppering Fyodor with threats and musings without ever once telling him how he'd really felt.

Nikolai violently brought his fist to his face to wipe his tears again. The only person who'd ever been a home to him was gone. The only person who'd ever tried to understand him was dead. And the worst part was, that person would never, ever know how Nikolai felt.

Unbeknownst to himself, Nikolai had started muttering through his choked out sobs. In the dark of the night, with his tears glistening in the moonlight through his window, the only things that could be heard were sharp gasps and whispered apologies.

Apologies that Fyodor would never, ever be able to hear, that Nikolai would have to keep to himself until the end of time.

Or so Nikolai thought.

Disoriented, it took Nikolai a moment to register the sudden tilt in his bed from his visitor. It took him a moment to realize that he had heard his door open a few seconds before. Most of all, it took Nikolai a few seconds of labored breathing to untuck his head from his knees and look up.

Fedya.

"It's alright, Kolya."

In front of him, patched up and sitting on his bed, was Fyodor. Nikolai let out a hiccup before shoving his head back into his knees.

"This isn't real, you're not real! I know you're gone, and I'm sorry. Go away, go away!" Nikolai tried to shout, but each word came out as simply a little whimper.

Of course Nikolai had deluded himself into seeing Fyodor there. He was sure he was the only person who could ever have pushed themselves into an episode.

He felt the dip in the bed move closer, and a hand place itself on his back. The touch was gentle, and Nikolai sobbed again.

"I'm real, Kolya. I'm here."

Nikolai slowly moved his head up. In front of him sat his dearest friend, arm intact, smiling at him. The moon's beams bounced off of his friend's messy locks and caused a faint glimmer in his eyes. Nikolai quietly parted his lips.

"I watched you die."

The figure looked down at him, hunched over and wet with tears.

"No, Kolya, you watched me crash. I'm back now."

The figure rubbed circles on Nikolai's back as his face contorted and he realized that the person in front of him was really and truly there.

Ten minutes ago, Nikolai would've thought he'd be the happiest person on earth to see his best friend back.

Now, he kicked his blankets up into a pile as he moved back against the wall.

"How could you do this to me? How could you- I watched you, I-"

Nikolai tripped over his words, sniffling as he escalated into nearly shouting.

"I watched you die! You were- you were stabbed, and the helicopter- it- it crashed, and- I-"

Fyodor watched him with calm, gentle eyes.

"I was not crushed by the rubble. I had Ivan on standby. I'm here, and I'm fine, I promise."

"That's not the point, Fyodor! That's- I-" Nikolai grabbed his hair and pulled at it, yelling through his tears. "I thought you were dead, and I didn't know, and I- I thought you'd be fine but you werent, and, and now you are and I-" Nikolai let out another sob. For someone who so readily expressed himself, who wore his heart on his sleeve, articulating his thoughts proved to be difficult at this moment.

"You're fine, and I trusted you to be fine- and then you just- you weren't and suddenly I- I didn't have you anymore and I just.." Nikolai trailed off and shifted his gaze to Fyodor, whos lips formed a small "o."

"Nikolai, I'm," He looked away, almost in shame. "I'm sorry, Nikolai."

Nikolai furrowed his brow.

"You could've told me beforehand."

"It wouldn't work then, I had to make a getaway. I needed to avert their eyes, and-" Nikolai cut off Fyodor abruptly.

"You could have averted their eyes any other way! You could have blown something up, or lit a- a fire, or-" a small hiccup. "You could have just gotten in the helicopter with me and left! I would have gone with you!"

"I'm sorry to have upset you, Nikolai. I really, really am." Both of them stared at eachother in silence for a moment.

"I really missed you."

Fyodor's eyes widened, and Nikolai whipped forward.

"I love you, Fedya. I'm sorry I never told you, and- " Nikolai's tears came rushing back, and he wiped his eyes while speaking. "And I love you and I'm sorry I couldn't just be- be okay loving you and how I tried to kill you instead and it was my fault-"

Fyodor pulled Nikolai into his arms. The jester went limp, shocked.

"It's not your fault, Kolya. I love you, too. I always will, no matter what you say to me."

Nikolai grabbed a fistful of Fyodor's shirt.

"So you don't.. hate me? You don't want to kill me, like you said?"

Fyodor gently stroked his hand down Nikolai's locks.

"Never. I'm sorry for saying that, Kolya. I hope you know I didn't mean it."

"Promise?"

"Of course."

Nikolai's breathing slowed, another moment of silence between them.

"Please don't leave again."

"I'll be right by your side until the end of time, now. It's all over, and I'm here with you now."

Nikolai let out an exhale, gently complying as Fyodor lifted his chin up so their eyes met.

"Tomorrow, you and me, we relax, okay? We can make pirozkis, just like old times."

Nikolai smiled at him for the first time again.

"Thanks, Fedya. I'd like that."

a/n: they make me so unwell

[stonecoldsilly]

episode seven acofaf thoughts:

the object work this episode oh my god????? lou looking through the fey calendar? lou miming a whole animated conversation as a distraction? surena tailoring that whole outfit and sparking up the blowtorch? chefs kisses all round

the cousins getting high as balls and LOOSE with it was incredible they're me we're the same

beginning and ending with ruehob drama yes! yes! yes!

'you know apollo? he been looking at this.' *devilish smile* lou wilson the player ever this episode he came out SWINGING

frog voice binx loml

'but a comma in the life of the archfey'

wuvvy? wrackingspelt? titania? blemish and boil? what is everyone doing and WHAT DID THE TRICKSTER COURT MAKE I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS LEFT UNANSWERED THERE SHOULD BE 18 EPISODES OF THIS (look i know aabria was busy this summer but my god what a show)

apollo and suntar vs chirp and squak, impeccable nasty little bastards at each other

polymorph was the clutch spell this ep outrageous behaviour throwing fish out of windows is fashionable as fuck

andhera swearing loyalty i melted i was a puddle i have a thingggg about fealty that was for me specifically

the NPCs are so so so so so good grabalba and grandfather and suntar and wuvvy and the wave master i would wed any of them at the drop of a hat

oh the fit checks the fit checks the art we are so blessed

you don't know scratch?

tag team trip attack squad failing miserably what a world

chirp slapping rue's ass yeah gworl me too im about it

god they're all so messed up hob has the self esteem of a damp slug and is scared by fireworks (with all that implies), andhera rebels against his loveless upbringing by befriending everyone in a twenty foot radius, rue represents a court that barely speaks to them and stole them as a child, binx's whole society vanished and the cousins are genuinely terrified of their grandfather and the consequences of failure please i want to protect these fictional disasters so much

'oscar you wanna call odds or evens?' listen to me i spent the last twenty minutes of the show wrapped in a blanket with just my eyes peeking out and emitting muffled shrieks at everything 'i have never been happier to roll a nat one'???? the funny dnd show having one of the best romances i've seen this century was absolutely out of pocket but i cannot stop thinking about it i cannot i am a ruehob girlie down to my bones and we. just. keep. WINNING.

[imaginariaextraordinaire]

Extraordinary Attorney Woo was at its best in the early episodes when the drama was all about weirdly banal cases that offered a portrait of contemporary Korean society, albeit through the soft-focus lens of a K-drama. The stakes were low, but the entertainment was high and every case offered a little bit of insight. Like the case about the 'wardrobe malfunction' at the wedding.

This was undoubtedly one of the best episodes in Extraordinary Attorney Woo. I doubt anyone would have anticipated that an episode that began with a husband putting his arms around his wife to protect her modesty would end with a wonderful statement in favour of queer love. The episode started with a celebration of a patriarchal institution and systematically broke it down with every consecutive scene. I thought the cherry on the cake was Woo Young-woo being the young woman's ally, but there was yet another fantastic twist in the tale after that when the young woman came out to her father.

My other favourite episode was Lee Bong-ryun as the idealistic, feminist lawyer who appears for the two married woman who go to court in the hope of bringing to light the sexism in corporate policies. This was such a charming watch because it showed us two perspectives — that of the scrappy, solo fighter that Lee plays; and the sensitivity that a big player can show when it has people like Kang Ki-young's Myung-seok displays. Lee is also such a joy to watch, especially in the bits with the judge. I loved that the writing made it clear that even though Hanbada won on paper, the real triumph was the women's who were not fazed by the court verdict. They knew they didn't stand much chance of winning, but they went ahead because they wanted their dissent to register and be part of a public conversation. The end of the episode, with all the women gathered together, was just full heartmelt. In fact, this was the episode that made me wish there would be a second season in which Young-woo would join Lee's firm.

Yet for all the charm that this drama has, it has two major stumbling blocks. One is the character of "Tactician Min-woo", who is initially the kind of person who has a full victim complex even though they have no reason to feel victimised. Then, in the last few episodes, the drama decided Min-woo had to be redeemed. Most characters have a redemption arc; in Min-woo's case, it's a spike and we're supposed to accept that he's actually a good guy (despite all the odious things he did and said earlier) because Su-yeon likes him. I'm sorry, but it makes no sense. Even if I assume that love is irrational (insert eye roll here) and thus Su-yeon, without warning, finds she's forgotten all the things she (justifiably) hated about Min-woo, the drama needed to make Min-woo apologise to Young-woo. He was a proper bully to her and the heart eyes that the drama makes at Min-woo in the last three episodes makes it seem as though his bullying shouldn't be held against him. That's messed up.

Similarly, what is up with Young-woo's dad? I understand that parenting is tough, but he's constantly making it about his troubles and his challenges, and the drama suggests this is acceptable. From early on, the drama makes it seem as though Young-woo breezes through life while her father suffers heartbreak after heartbreak because she's on the autism spectrum. Both as a child and as an adult, we're told she doesn't offer him comfort when he needs it. Of course it's valid to talk about how difficult parenting can be, but there should have been some indication of how difficult it was for Young-woo to make sense of the world around her.

It's also really problematic how Young-woo's dad considers her his property. The show doesn't address how he seems to encourage Young-woo to break up with Jun-ho — which could be seen as a way of ensuring she stays with her father and under is control. Control seems to be a major part of being a father in Bae-soo's book and the drama is happy to give him control over Young-woo's life. It's as though she 'owes' him that power because of all the challenges he faced while raising her when in fact he was doing what he signed up for. After all, he's the one who insisted Tae Su-mi have the child rather than opt for an abortion (as though her concerns are a sign of moral corruption which they're not). Arguably, his decision to set up a gimbap shop rather than pursue his law degree is irresponsible as a single father, but the show insists he's being heroic. In contrast, the show has no sympathy for a young Su-mi, who finds herself pregnant as a single young woman. There's no hint given to how difficult it must have been for her to convince her family to let her have the baby or how hard it was for her to give up the newborn child. Later, we're to have no sympathy for Su-mi as a parent — her response to finding out her son is a hacker is melodramatic and appalling — as though it's a cakewalk to raise a preternaturally intelligent kid who can go around hacking any device in sight.

The show never gives Su-mi a chance. The first time we see her, we're told she's privileged and benefiting from nepotism (she inherited the top spot at the law firm from her father). In the court case that she fights, we see Taesan's methods range from unscrupulous to being corrupt. Then she makes the offer of giving Young-woo a job in Taesan's American branch — not out of the kindness of her heart, but because she wants Young-woo out of sight and out of mind as she runs for the position of the Minister of Justice. Instead of approaching Young-woo, she goes to Bae-soo first. Again, the show doesn't see anything weird about that. Similarly, the CEO of Hanbada talks to Bae-soo when she's politicking, as though Young-woo is incapable of thinking for herself. Perhaps the most glaring example of Bae-soo's controlling streak is when he makes a deal with the CEO of Hanbada and tells her that Young-woo can be used for the CEO's ends only once. At no point does the show encourage the viewers to ask what gives Bae-soo the right to decide this? That too without even discussing the matter with Young-woo. At no point does anyone, least of all Young-woo, point out that Young-woo's life is her own. Her father does not get to make decisions about her.

It's a major problem that both the older women in Extraordinary Attorney Woo are shown as immoral and villainous. Tae Su-mi is demonised for having wanted an abortion as a student and ultimately, she has to lose her professional success — she excuses herself from the ministerial race — in order to be considered a good mother. That's disappointingly regressive. Meanwhile, we've been through 16 episodes, but we still don't know why the CEO of Hanbada has such a hostile relationship with Tae Su-mi. The show takes the time to explain (unconvincingly) how Tae Su-mi's son found out the secret that practically no one knows, but it doesn't feel the need to give an explanation for the animosity between these two women, who are both heading up law firms. It's almost as though the show is urging the viewer to go with the stereotype that women are inclined to have catfights with one another. It's a sharp contrast to the friendships Young-woo has with her girlfriends, but it's worth noting that neither of these friendships are with people who can be considered either her equal or her senior. Geurami may have some street-smart qualities, but she's quite obviously neither as smart nor as successful as Young-woo. There's less of an imbalance between Su-yeon and Young-woo, but it's clear that Su-yeon knows Young-woo is the better lawyer. She never competes with Young-woo.

For a show that began with so much heart and gave us so much to love, the last few episodes have felt disappointing and occasionally careless. After Young-woo described herself as a narwhal in a conversation with Su-mi, I expected to see a narhwal outside her train window in the last sequence. Instead, it was the regular humpback whale again and as beautiful as these VFX bits are in Extraordinary Attorney Woo, it would have been nice to see a narwhal swimming with a pod of belugas.

[pedropascalunofficial]

Pedro Pascal and Lena Headey

Head to head interview

Hunger Magazine, Issue 6. Released December 28, 2014. Photoshoot October 15, 2013.

Thirteen million. That's the number of people, on average, who tuned into each episode of the third season of Game of Thrones. Among them was Chilean actor Pedro Pascal, who was as enthralled by the sex and slaughter as the rest of us. But little did he know that within a few months he'd be pitching up on the shores of Belfast to join the cast as Oberyn Martell, affectionately known as the Red Viper. Sound ominous? It is. The Red Viper is GoTs newest anti-hero, “sexy and charming but driven by hate”. Sounds like he'll be right at home.

Pedro, on the other hand, though he looks good on paper, wasn't the obvious choice for the role. Expecting a big name to ride into King’s Landing, the show's fans took to forums to express their concerns as soon as the news broke. So is he worried? Like hell he is. “The fans had the part cast in their minds already. They knew who they wanted and it certainly was not me. But I'm not stupid, | presumed that people were going to say ‘who the fuck is this guy’. Since I anticipated the reaction it didn't throw me off.”

“There are so many different ways to go into battle with yourself when you're trying to get a job. I felt a certain amount of pressure because I wanted to make everyone happy. The fan base is so specific and, as a fan myself, I understand the relationship that they have with the show. The Red Viper is the best part I've ever played, and in season four shocks come at the most unexpected times. You might think you know, but you have no idea,” he explains.

Looks like the Red Viper could be in line to fill a Walter-White-sized-hole in television, but to test the theory we pit Pascal against Lena Headey, aka the Queen. Because if you can come away from Cersei unscathed, you can handle anything.

LH: So, Pedro, you come into Game of Thrones in season four, playing a pretty major character. Does that fill you with joy or dread?

PP: I'd say it fills me with joy because it’s a really fucking fun part. He’s a badass. He comes up against a lot of the main characters in the show. I'm very aware of the show. I watch it like a fan.

LH: Were you a fan before you arrived in Belfast?

PP: Yeah, I was a proper fan. I was caught up in the drama of it before I even auditioned for the part. I was already up to speed.

LH: I remember meeting you and thinking, “he fucking loves the show’.

PP: I kissed your ass.

LH: Well, it worked. We're friends now.

PP: I was like a tourist visiting the set, and yet I had to act with you and be in a scene with the characters that I had such a specific association with already.

LH: So you’re saying it’s boring?

PP: No, it wasn’t boring at all. It was extremely, relentlessly surreal.

LH: And who were your favourite characters up until that point?

PP: Not you.

LH: I realise that!

PP: There are too many characters to have a favourite, but I was fascinated by the Lannisters because they're so frightening. They scared me and then you would come in and pull sympathy from your audience somehow, and I found that rather fascinating. The Northerners were so easy to like or get behind, but it was quite something to see people sympathise with a Lannister, after you made people see things from their perspective.

LH: Speaking of being slightly ambiguous as a character, you come in as a major player and a very well-loved character in the eyes of people who read the books, and he’s somewhat of an anti-hero. Did you base him on anyone?

PP: What does an anti-hero mean exactly?

LH: It means he doesn't wear deodorant, doesn't it? [Laughs]. Someone you shouldn't champion, but you do, like Walter White in Breaking Bad.

PP: No, | didn’t really base him on anyone.

LH: Did you take anything from classic movies that you thought you could use and spin to your advantage playing the Red Viper?

PP: God, that’s a good question. I probably did subconsciously. Now I feel under the spotlight because I need to think of somebody, and I have so many in my mind! I think that’s something that is happening a lot in TV today: the anti-heroes are central to these television shows, and people are really getting behind them, even though they're not necessarily the most moral characters. So I'd say that ‘ve become more familiar with the character who's obviously very flawed but gets you on their side — you have complicated feelings about them. But I think I saw the story too much from this character's perspective to perceive any flaws.

LH: He has some.

PP: I know, from the outside. But I don't see any of them. What are his flaws?

LH: His flaws? He's a dirty bastard!

PP: Why is he a dirty bastard? He likes to fucking fight, for sure.

LH: Back to you as an actor. You've done it for a long time and, as we all know, the path is not always golden, and sometimes you think, “fuck it” and you want to leave it and do something else. Have there been moments where you wanted to give up?

PP: Yes, there have been moments where I came very close to giving up. But I never had anything to fall back on. I think you can understand that.

LH: Because were stupid?

PP: We're stupid.

LH: I can't even make pizza!

PP: We don’t have any other skills.

LH: None at all!

PP: And that’s the odd conundrum. You get to a point where you think, “This isn’t going to happen. This isn’t sustainable. I'm too exhausted, and it can't be good for me.” There were moments where I truly did try to formulate an idea of what I'd do. I thought I'd go back to school, start pre-med again and go to medical school or something like that.

LH: But that didn't happen, you just thought about it?

PP: Yes, I'd have thoughts, but it was still fantasy really. But at the time it felt like a practical life plan. Do you know what I mean?

LH: Yeah of course, you need to pay the fucking rent.

PP: Exactly. You just try to escape from the chaos of what you're feeling by trying to create order in your life. Order seems like a solution to save you from the pain of acting!

LH: It's a mental pain. Who was the first person you called when you got the role?

PP: My sister.

LH: Does she watch the show?

PP: Yes, she does.

LH: Pedro Pascal... or Pablo as I called you when I had too much wine, which was deeply insulting.

PP: Even family members have done that to me! Do I look more like a Pablo? Because it happens with about ninety-five percent of the people I meet.

LH: No, I think I’m just an ignorant drunk person.

PP: No, you were an ignorant drunk person that night is what you're saying.

LH: And now I’m educated.

PP: [Whispers] But | want you to call me Pablo.

LH: Ok, Pablo! When you first arrived on set in Northern Ireland, what was your feeling showing up to a bunch of British actors? Did it feel different to doing an American project?

PP: Yes, but I loved it. It wasn’t intimidating. I found it surreal because I’d watched and loved the show. I hadn't had the opportunity to work on something that I was really familiar with before, so it was overwhelming. But it was far more delightful than intimidating. Also you guys were really cool. Everyone was friendly.

LH: Oh, that’s just fake.

PP: Well, you guys were good at it!

LH: We know Game of Thrones is very popular obviously. Do you have any thoughts, or fears, about what this is going to bring you in terms of exposure?

PP: I have hope.

LH: Oh, God. I don’t mean to shatter that, but give it up.

PP: I don’t know really. It’s all been filmed, and now I'm back to my normal routine, so I haven't really thought about it. I remember when we finished filming and we were on our way to the airport, you asked me, “How does it feel you're all done?” and I couldn't really answer.

LH: You were quite emotional that day.

PP: I was very emotional because I’d had such an amazing time doing the part. Also just being there immersed in the experience... You described it to me best. You told me how I'd be feeling.

LH: We don't know your character's backstory when you enter the show, and you have some rather brutal scenes. Anyone who has read the books will know what I’m talking about.

PP: My character comes in, he stirs a bunch of shit up, and then he makes this fucking enormous exit. Now can | ask you a question?

LH: What is it? I’m not going to sleep with you. Give it up.

PP: Oh, come on! This has gone to shit and it’s your fault, so good luck to whoever has to edit it! But anyway, sometimes I'd hang out with the cast members and we'd go to dinner and they would get stopped constantly. There was no denying who they played because they were so recognisable, but you got away with it because you have this beautiful blonde wig on in the show, and in real life you are...

LH: Grey?

PP: {Laughs] No! You have beautiful chestnut hair! Is it liberating to not be recognised the way some of the other cast members are?

LH: Yes, it is liberating.

PP: Liberating being able to walk down an alley in Dubrovnik without being stopped?

LH: Yes, except sometimes | get recognised in the weirdest places. A woman was emptying my bag at Heathrow Airport's security gates and just went, “Are you the Queen?” while rummaging through my underwear. It was so fucking weird.

PP: It seems they're more respectful to you?

LH: Because they're frightened. Wait until they meet the Viper.

PP: Well, that covers it.

LH: I think we're going to get our own show out of this, you know

Interested in learning more about Pedro? Check out Pedro Pascal Unofficial on Pinterest!