#i didn't realise how much i needed an older as-far-as-i-know non-queer person to affirm me but i did
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finally home. that was... nice. i needed a nice day.
#the man without a plan {miscellaneous | ooc}#i thought we were just picking up a bookshelf from home but like#skip managed to fit the chair and the mirror into the car too#all that's left is the steamer trunk and some bits and bobs now#he helped me out a lot and on the drive there and then to coffee and then back from coffee he told me a lot about his life#about how he had to get sober a few times and about the punk shows he went to and how he's punched misogynistic pricks#in mosh pits before or just peopel being assholes in general or dragged them away and told them off#and had these guys twice his size just fu cking cower back and apologise because skip can be fucking terrifying if he wants to be#he's not much taller than me; maybe a few inches taller and thin as a twig but holy shit that guy has#monumental energy and he's a scrappy motherfucker you can tell so i whoelheartedly believe people will back off when he says#he saw a post i made on facebook lsat night about being trans and spent a while talking to me about that and like#i didn't realise how much i needed an older as-far-as-i-know non-queer person to affirm me but i did#he told me about a song on the ride to the apartment that he shared with me to help with my feelings about being trans#and didn't talk more about it til our ride home when we were both a lil more talkative about personal things#i told him how long it's taken for my mum to accept that i was trans and that she could have told me ages ago bc she saw the signs#she just didn't wanna admit it - and he just sort of exhaled a lil laugh and said 'theres nothing wrong with it'#and i laughed kinda bitter and said that mos tpeople don't agree with that statement and i was driving#but i could kinda feel his eyes on me as he glanced my way and then he repeated in a quieter more insistent voice:#'there is nothing wrong with it'#anyway he's wonderful and said that my 'hands gave it away' to him at first that i was trans but i 'have the looks' and not to worry and tha#t he's thinking of telling his girlfriend's daughter - a lesbian - to come to me for fashion tips since she's having trouble shopping for#mens' clothing and i asked if he's okay with hugs and he hugged me super tight and said he is and that he also tells his friends he loves th#em and basically it was a super great day and he's a wonderful friend and he makes me smile and laugh and really that's what matters and imm#gonna go eat and shut up now see you all later
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uhm hi, I'm transmasc/ non binary/questioning and I'm just 16, my family would never accept me and always want me to be a lady, there's a word for lady in my native language that implies "well educated young woman" and my mum wants me to be that no matter what, sometimes I wish I were a girl so my mum would be happy with me and love me; I've tried but I just end up hiding and crying because I can't be a girl. They (my parents) don't know anything and I could never tell them and i feel so much pain because they would've been amazing parents if I were cisgender and straight, it makes me feel like it's my fault and I'm also super afraid of the future, it feels like I will never get to be called by my name and pronouns because everyone always prefers to see me as "her" and if they want me to be "her" they'll always find out, the only people who call me by my name and pronouns are some Twitter friends that my parents don't know about, my sister who is 11(I feel super guilty for telling her that:( ) and my best friend who lives really far away from here, I miss her a lot, she always believes me when I tell her things and loves me :( I know I'm not alone but I feel lonely and I feel discouraged and sometimes I want to die but then I remember that my mum told me "you are not allowed to die because I would feel super bad and never recover from that pain" and I also want to do things and be happy and study a lot because I love learning things and I love art and im afraid I'll kill myself someday just because im weird and disgusting and I know I'm being transphobic with myself, I feel like I'm faking this all because as a child they told me I have to be a girl and I didn't complain I thought I couldn't choose or think about my gender because I had to be a girl, I still feel like I have to, I don't even know what to do anymore I think I should just study a lot until I get older, get a job and do whatever I want with my life and stop feeling like this, but I'm not sure I'll survive that huge amount of time, the pain of this all becomes bigger and bigger as the time goes by and I guess I'm looking for a way to feel not-so-bad and don't die and get to feel better some day and to not lose myself :(( I don't really know how to explain myself Im trying my best I don't want to feel this bad, im sorry to send this incredibly long ask :( i hope whoever reads this is doing well and having a good day and resting well and drinking water and those things <3 sorry for this :( I never feel comfortable telling my bad feelings to anyone because I feel like im a burden and I hope I'm not being a burden to you, sorry
Hello anon,
sorry for not replying sooner, I didn’t really know what useful advice I could give you and I’m still not sure. I understand that you are very stressed about this and don’t see it possible in your current situation to come out to your family which then leads to being misgendered. As a cis person I can only try to imagine how that must feel.
But please don’t blame yourself. Nothing about this is your fault. Being trans or queer in any way is not a bad thing and it doesn’t diminish your value as a person at all. If your family or anyone else would think negatively of you then that is their fault! They have a choice to be assholes or to be supportive. They can choose between helping you or making life harder. If they choose to make it harder then that says a thousand things about their character and nothing about you.
But I realise that saying this doesn’t change your situation right now. And I fear there is nothing I can do because from what I can tell it sounds like you are a minor. All I can tell you is that things can get better and that you just gotta hang in there. You will be an adult one day and you will be able to live your own life. Until then, try to do some gender affirmative stuff in secret with friends that you trust. And in the long run: try to distance yourself from the thought/need to please your parents and to become what they want you to be. Sometimes if you want to be happy you gotta disappoint your parents a little (or a lot) and that is their problem and not yours!
Maddie
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