#i did get groomed by a few older men online tho i Was of the kik generation

[shigussy]

the amount of pedo youtubers i watched growing up was insane but its actually really worrying that i had crushes on most of them and im so so thankful that my interest in most of them disappeared before they got exposed bc i would've lost my mind which did happen once with miniladd

[secretcrawlspace]

idk if this is hypersexuality or not, I don't want to claim a label if it doesn't apply to me BUT-

Growing up my mom made me swear to never have sex until I'm an adult, she basically was the real life version of "if you have sex, you will get pregnant and die". She started it with dumping her trauma on me and then years later finally telling me what normal con sensual sex is...but still slanted it in a way to make it sound like it's the worse thing I can do on the same level as getting into hard drugs.

So naturally when I was middle school aged I started getting into porn and learning how to keep secrets away from my mom.

I think I figured out how to masturbate when I was 14 and that basically opened the flood gates cause I would do it all the time, to the level that's expected of a boy going through puberty.

Then when I got with my ex bf, we started as "friends with benefits" and then eventually led to dating, we actually had sex a bit after that and I lost my virginity at 16.

My ex was super obsessed with hentai and kept pushing me to be more like an anime waifu but also be his pet hentai artist cause he couldn't draw.

So, I think I got interested in porn and sex from 12 and it got worse throughout the years and my ex just amplified that.

I never had sex with anyone else, there's been a few times where I close to it but somehow managed to weasel away from those encounters, especially during that era where my ex really wanted to pimp me out and was encouraging me to become an escort or cam-girl or whatever.

I had a time where I got pressured into sorta cheating on my ex too from a creepy coworker who was 15 yrs older than me at the time (I was like 18-19). I never actually had sex with that guy but he did pressure me into sending nudes and just made fun of my body afterwards. 18 and 19 were like the worst years of my young adult life.

My ex wasnt even upset over the fact I kinda cheated or the fact this older man was grooming me and pressuring me into stuff, that's what made him get the idea to sell my used underwear and tried to talk me into cam stuff cause "just cause that guy doesn't like chubby girls, there's hundreds of guys online who do!". I think he wasnt fazed by it cause he also did similar with sexting someone online (tbh they should have gotten together cause they were both gross but oh well).

I think when I was about 22-23 that's when I started to get away from that kinda stuff. I've been traumatized with some of the shit my ex was into which was a lot of non-consensual stuff and him trying to get me into illegal shit. I couldn't even stomach that stuff and I started feeling physically ill.

I went from being afraid of men to wanting attention from men, and then just wanting to make my boyfriend happy and all that has left some serious damage on my psyche.

I'm still upset with how my mom handled the sex talk with me when I was younger, we weren't religious, she was raised catholic but she was more into Wicca stuff when I was a kid, so obviously I didn't grow up fearing god and worried about going to hell. I was more afraid of my mom getting mad at me cause I honestly didn't know what she would do.

I just don't think it's a good idea to give your 8 year old the rape talk instead of the sex talk and expecting them to take in that information well. And even after that, telling them cause they started their period earlier than other girls, if they get raped at 8 or 9, they're probably gonna get pregnant and then your life is basically over.

It's true tho I did start my period at 8 and maybe that's why mom decided to give me the talk but still I got a crippling fear of men and pregnancy that it really left a looming shadow over me as the years went on. She gave me a somewhat normal sex talk when I was middle school, mostly cause that's when we got sex ed, but she still told me sex is a weapon boys use on girls to have control over them and no self respecting woman would ever sexualize herself.

So, when I became a teenager and met my ex, that was the closest I ever got to rebelling. Cause wearing alt fashion and dying my hair didn't bother my mom, in fact she encouraged it, so I got used to doing sexual things behind her back and finding hiding sports me and my bf could sneak off to.

I felt like I was a sheep walking right into the wolf's mouth because it wasnt until I moved with my bf that he started actually raping me. Sometimes it'd be a quick encounter that left me more confused, other times it would be me waking up with him on me, but most of the time it would start consensual and then he'd go far beyond my boundaries and later he told me that he likes doing it cause when I'm in pain and distress I feel "really good" to him.

It felt like salt in the wound cause my mom demonized men and sex all throughout my childhood and she hated my ex, she saw through his manipulation and saw me being his attentive but nervous little slave, but I was in denial the whole time, I was so focused on keeping my "poor and sick" bf happy. It's a bitter pill to swallow when I realized despite how fucked up my mom was, she's right. She was totally right about him and at the time, I was living on the other side of the country and completely isolated, at the mercy of my ex and his own fucked up family.

I physically got away from him in December 2019, that was also the last time I've had sex, and about a year later I officially broke up with him online. Weirdly enough he took it well and didn't put up a fight, despite when I was down there he was very against the idea of us taking a break and made me promise not to talk about our relationship to others cause it makes him look bad 🙄

He also died in late April 2023, his kidney failure finally took him out, but he also made sure to steal money from me a few months before that and put me in the negatives in my bank account so he died with me being really fuckin angry at him.

So, now I've been dealing with the fallout of being through all of that and realizing things I didn't notice at the time I was with him, it took me finally seeing a primary care doctor to realize that he raped me, that I've been a victim of rape, several times, and now my cervix has noticeable damage because of that. Also pretty sure I've been pregnant before too but miscarried. There's no way to check for it years after it happened, but cause I never saw a doctor or went to a hospital myself when I was with him, I had to suffer in silence alone and just had to ignore certain things until they went away.

So, all those realizations have been like a nonstop but random barrage of psychic attacks since his death.

And despite all the trauma I've been through....I'm still horny. I think about sex nearly 24/7, if it's not me getting fucked in the daydreams, I'm thinking about fictional characters fucking (shipping brainrot lol). I think my libido has been affected cause of the depression/anxiety meds I'm on, but also taking testosterone has kinda made it come back but it mostly comes in waves, I'll be semi-normal for awhile and then later I'm attempting to fist myself and fighting with trying to shove a plug up my ass.

Cause of the fact I seemingly think about sex all the time, that's why I think I might have some form of hypersexuality but the fact I've only had sex with really only 1 person my whole life and I'm too socially inept to put myself out there to have casual hookups, I feel like that doesn't apply to me. I've known people who are/were hypersexual and idk if just thinking about it all the time is anywhere near on the same level as going out and doing it.

The fact that I look at porn so casually on my own even now and get frustrated when I can't seem to find super specific things I'm into and if I'm desperate enough I'll improvise. I'll clarify tho, I only look at pornographic art, I feel gross looking at real life porn cause of the abuses of the porn industry and the fact porn sites sometimes just steal independent sex workers pay walled videos and upload them on places like the hub and x videos n shit. Also I feel like I'm more likely to stumble of real life illegal shit even just looking at mainstream porn sites.

Like I feel like I'm getting close to desperation sorta on the same level of feeling like I've been over down full a full on crash out/meltdown, but there's something just holding me back.

I was made afraid of sex to being obsessed with sex to being hurt by it and now I'm desperate for some type of sexual intimacy. Lines up with my self esteem issues, I've learned I'm very hard to be around and I don't even have a best friend anymore because of it, my personality is unpleasant and I also don't really like my body.

I realized I wasnt cis in 2020 and discovered I was transmasculine in 2022. My transition has been pretty slow and I am not good with taking my testosterone everyday (I use the gel currently that you rub on your skin). I'm switching to the injectable type but I haven't gotten the actual injectable testosterone yet but that's probably cause of the holiday season...anyways.

I still barely pass, I got a really weak mustache growing in but my voice is still very femme and I'm pretty curvy. I'm trying to lose weight but it's been rough and I still haven't switched out my wardrobe. I still get misgendered in public all the time, only people that don't are the higher ups at work cause I'm sure they don't want a possible lawsuit in their hands.

My body is growing through changes and I'm trying to accept myself, I'm just afraid of getting with someone that just sees me as a Diet Woman, I keep hearing of horror stories of what it's like dating as a trans person and how trans men have problems with getting with guys who say they're bi/pan but the only man they're into is that trans man. My ex was kinda the same, he was super transphobic but really fetishized trans women and intersex folks (dude was ADDICTED to futanari hentai).

I'm scared of possibly hooking up with anyone similar to my ex, to the point I'm always on guard around nerdy cis dudes. I identify as gay, I'm into cis men, trans men, and masculine nonbinary people, I'm open to t4t stuff but the issue is I don't know a lot of trans people irl, everyone I know is over the internet. I know there's gay bars near me but I know how cis gay people can be towards trans folks.

Idk I'm an antisocial loser that's also horny as shit and I feel like I'm about to implode any minute.

I wont label myself as hypersexual but I needed to vent all this cause it's so hard to talk about. That's what I made this side blog for.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: possible grooming? Online nccsa?

I don't know what I need, feel free to offer whatever you see fit. I was maybe about eleven when I kind of started to feel a bit alone because I had no friends. I know I shouldn't have but I'd started using random social media apps and found a few that I could easily talk to people on and a bunch of older men, probably around age 30 to 40 upwards would message me and I never lied about my age, really. I didnt want to be at fault because I knew it was just predatory behaviour if they'd sexualized a child. They did it anyway tho, I let them, I wanted attention and if that took being sexualized I'd take it. Nobody seemed to want me without it. They'd make me send pictures and this one time I had to touch myself on camera for one of them and I realized i went too far then and stopped doing that. Eventually I made a few internet friends. They were older than me so I shouldve just left that alone. I was around 14 and they were maybe between 17 and 22. Again, I knew it was wrong, but I had conversations with them anyway and when they admitted being attracted to me, I played along. There was this one guy, thought I was a bit special at first because he was 19 and when I told him I was fourteen he said he was okay with it and I was glad because he seemed cool and people would get upset and stop talking to me when they found out how young I was. He would call me his princess or whatever and ask me about what I was wearing pretty often and send me pictures of his thing. He'd tell me he was feeling insecure and I'd comfort him and tell him he was okay the way he was and he'd always just treat me like a baby and ask for pictures in childlike outfits or ask me for nude pictures and I thought it was weird eveentually and stopped sending the pictures and ended my entire association with him but later on I found out he did the same thing with several other girls and I wish I would stop getting myself in situations like those. It's already bad enough I've had years of sexual trauma before that and I feel just so guilty and disgusted with myself for literally letting men sexualize me and sexualizing myself just because I wanted someone to talk to.

Hi anon, 

First of all, I know I can’t change how you feel with words but I want you to hear this. None of that was your fault. They were older and they knew better. You mentioned several people that stopped talking to you once they realized their age, and that’s because they knew better. 

You have nothing to feel guilty for and you don’t deserve your disgust. You deserve your compassion. The fault is on the men who did this to you.

I want you to know that while this isn’t something I talk about a lot, I did similar to you. I also went through sexual trauma as a child and began seeking out attention online. And I liked it at the time. I felt so alone and the men made me feel special. I did things I wish I hadn’t. I was around 11-13 while I was doing these things. I’m not trying to make this about me at all, but I’m trying to let you know that you are not alone. 

April