#i did get groomed by a few older men online tho i Was of the kik generation

[shigussy]

the amount of pedo youtubers i watched growing up was insane but its actually really worrying that i had crushes on most of them and im so so thankful that my interest in most of them disappeared before they got exposed bc i would've lost my mind which did happen once with miniladd

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: possible grooming? Online nccsa?

I don't know what I need, feel free to offer whatever you see fit. I was maybe about eleven when I kind of started to feel a bit alone because I had no friends. I know I shouldn't have but I'd started using random social media apps and found a few that I could easily talk to people on and a bunch of older men, probably around age 30 to 40 upwards would message me and I never lied about my age, really. I didnt want to be at fault because I knew it was just predatory behaviour if they'd sexualized a child. They did it anyway tho, I let them, I wanted attention and if that took being sexualized I'd take it. Nobody seemed to want me without it. They'd make me send pictures and this one time I had to touch myself on camera for one of them and I realized i went too far then and stopped doing that. Eventually I made a few internet friends. They were older than me so I shouldve just left that alone. I was around 14 and they were maybe between 17 and 22. Again, I knew it was wrong, but I had conversations with them anyway and when they admitted being attracted to me, I played along. There was this one guy, thought I was a bit special at first because he was 19 and when I told him I was fourteen he said he was okay with it and I was glad because he seemed cool and people would get upset and stop talking to me when they found out how young I was. He would call me his princess or whatever and ask me about what I was wearing pretty often and send me pictures of his thing. He'd tell me he was feeling insecure and I'd comfort him and tell him he was okay the way he was and he'd always just treat me like a baby and ask for pictures in childlike outfits or ask me for nude pictures and I thought it was weird eveentually and stopped sending the pictures and ended my entire association with him but later on I found out he did the same thing with several other girls and I wish I would stop getting myself in situations like those. It's already bad enough I've had years of sexual trauma before that and I feel just so guilty and disgusted with myself for literally letting men sexualize me and sexualizing myself just because I wanted someone to talk to.

Hi anon, 

First of all, I know I can’t change how you feel with words but I want you to hear this. None of that was your fault. They were older and they knew better. You mentioned several people that stopped talking to you once they realized their age, and that’s because they knew better. 

You have nothing to feel guilty for and you don’t deserve your disgust. You deserve your compassion. The fault is on the men who did this to you.

I want you to know that while this isn’t something I talk about a lot, I did similar to you. I also went through sexual trauma as a child and began seeking out attention online. And I liked it at the time. I felt so alone and the men made me feel special. I did things I wish I hadn’t. I was around 11-13 while I was doing these things. I’m not trying to make this about me at all, but I’m trying to let you know that you are not alone. 

April