#i deliberately did not reread these before pasting them in here so i don't know if they're good

[duplicitywrites]

Ooooh I wanna hear about Fear Is Only The Beginning

Fear is Only the Beginning

i honestly don't know if/when i will ever go back to this sjgssdg my writing style and preferences have changed a lot since i started that story 😭

but i think i'll take this as an opportunity to share a lot of snippets i wrote for future scenes that may never see the light of day. look below the cut for more!

[ send a WIP title and i'll share something for it/about it ]

---

scene one:

Tom waits until they are alone in their dormitory to pass him the book. The cover has a charm placed on it to obscure the true title, but even that does little to mask the magic emanating from the pages.

“I bookmarked a page,” Tom says casually, but Harry can sense excitement beneath Tom’s usual veil of careful detachment.

Later, when he is finally alone, Harry flips to the marker and starts reading, unsure if he’ll be able to stomach the entire book from start to finish.

Horcrux. Just reading the word leaves Harry feeling awful. Reading the process behind it only worsens the feeling. His skin crawls when he thinks on it, even long after the book has been returned. Killing someone so that you can live forever.

But it is soul magic, and that is significant. Harry can’t say he agrees with everything that Tom does, or wants to do, but this is an opportunity to learn things that Tom won’t find suspicious. They can research this together, and if Harry can find a solution, find a way out—well, he’d be a fool not to try and take it.

Tom wants to live forever. He wants to tether himself to this world, to this life. He wants Harry by his side while he does it. Harry just wants to live knowing his soul is wholly his own.

If he can separate the piece of soul that doesn’t belong to him, maybe Tom won’t want him anymore. Harry’s not sure how he feels about that. He’s been linked to Tom for years now, the two of them drawn together by their strange magical connection. He still occasionally catches Tom glancing at his lightning scar, clearly deep in thought. Tom hates not knowing things, and Harry thinks it’s a wonder he never got dumped into Ravenclaw after rejecting Slytherin.

The mere thought of opposing Tom scares him. Not out of fear that Tom will hurt him, but rather what other consequences might make themselves known. Tom is volatile, mercurial. His desires and ambitions wage a constant war against the world as he strives to force reality to bend its knee to him. 

It is breathtaking to witness Tom in those moments, even though it is Tom’s cruelty and pragmatism breaking the surface. There is fulfillment in being a part of something so powerful, the tiny cogs of Tom’s grand plans humming in unison as the large wheels of politics continue to turn.

Harry knows that he helps to buffer Tom’s sharper edges, that he provides Tom with something truly invaluable: an ally, an equal. He will always act in Tom’s best interests, for Tom’s own good. And Tom will never hurt him. It would be hard to leave Tom, knowing that.

---

scene two:

“You’re always someone to me, Tom. You always have been and you always will be.”

Harry is too close. His words are like fire against Tom’s skin, burning hot all over. His hand is touching Tom’s, holding it gently, threading their fingers together. Harry is all that is good in the world. He is the only thing that matters. He should be the only thing that matters.

“Tom?” asks Harry, concerned.

Tom forces his throat to clear itself. “Harry,” he says. Just that, nothing else.

“It’s you and me, Tom,” continues Harry, voice soft. “You have me. Isn’t that enough?”

Harry’s eyes—so green, like liquid emeralds—are swallowing Tom whole. Tom feels like he’s never been so alive as Harry watches him, sees him. Tom wants so much. He wants the world. Tom wants to fashion himself from diamond and silver, unbreakable and shining. But Harry sees through him, burns him, breaks him down into his constituent pieces with nothing more than a loaded glance.

Tom’s free hand rises to touch Harry’s face, to drag his fingers up Harry’s cheek, along the bone structure, across the brow, under the forehead, and just around the edge of the angry red scar. All this, all of Harry. All of it is his. Oh, it aches. A different kind of pain from the scorching fire in his lungs and his raw, parched throat.

“Harry,” Tom repeats. “I want you.” I need you.

They are centimeters apart, sharing the same air, chests almost pressed together. Tom can feel each breath that passes in and out of Harry’s lungs.

“Then have me.”

Tom obliges, closing the remaining distance. His mouth touches Harry's, hesitant. Everything is warm. Harry is warm. Their lips come together, moving, and Tom’s hand winds its way past the scar and into Harry’s hair. The kiss is careful, so careful, because Harry might pull away at any moment, might leave. 

Harry’s hands come up to grasp Tom’s waist, to pull them closer together still. Tom feels dizzy as his head tilts back, his lips parting to inhale. His breaths are unsteady, he can hear the air passing into him in irregular bursts.

But Harry’s smile is familiar. Being with Harry screams safety and acceptance and care—all the things Tom had tried to find for himself in the world only to be disappointed time and time again. The rest of the world never mattered to him except when it came to his desire to conquer it. This world, his world, is Harry. The strange scar and the knobby knees and the snarky jokes at his expense. Always this, always Harry.

Without any conscious thought, Tom finds himself drawn back down, his lips against Harry’s. The kiss is messy and inexperienced, but every touch of Harry’s skin upon his leaves him hungry for more. If he can have this—if he can have this for every day for the rest of his life—

When they pull away, Tom has one hand curled against the nape of Harry’s neck. His other arm is wrapped around Harry in a tight grip, fingers grasping hard enough to bruise, but Harry doesn’t seem to mind. Harry’s hands are still gentle on Tom’s waist, their thumbs stroking slow patterns that Tom can feel through his shirt.

“I love you,” Harry says, breath hitching, words sincere.

The statement hurts somehow. Tom presses his forehead against Harry’s, careful to avoid contact with the scar. Tom can’t form the words in return. He’s not sure if he can. The concept of love seems very far away from where they are. Tom has always wanted to be more, to have more.

They are breathing together. Him and Harry. Two of the same, two souls bound for each other. That thought calms Tom, steadies him.

Tom brushes his lips against Harry’s cheek, feather soft. He hopes Harry understands.

Harry’s hand comes up to cup Tom’s face, to brush calloused fingertips along the upper part of Tom’s jaw. With Harry’s touch comes reassurance. Tom is not alone, and he never will be.

“Forever,” Tom says. It’s not quite the same, but the sentiment is there.

Harry gives him another quick kiss in return. It is enough.

[fyeahbachisagi]

On Bachira’s Rankings

Warning: This post will contain a lot of manga spoilers!

Season 1 of the anime just finished. I reread a few chapters of the manga starting from where it ended, and I noticed something strange…

How on earth did Bachira rank #7 after the Third Selection?

Like, I know he’s amazing, but considering how the ranking was determined…

... Bachira's rank may be less of an indication of how amazing he is and more of a deliberate narrative choice by the author.

The panel above is of Ego answering Yukki’s question about the difference between him and #1. Essentially, the standard used to determine the Top 6. Let’s extend that standard to the lower ranks.

The ranks are determined by:

Goals scored since First Selection

World Five's personal judgment

Ego's judgment

Just on that first factor, you really have to wonder how Bachira ranks higher than Barou, one of the top scorers in their First Selection wing. Throughout the entire First Selection, Bachira scored only one goal, and that was in the match against Team V.

In the Second Selection, Bachira only participated in two matches: the 3v3 with Isagi and Nagi against the Top 3, and the 4v4 when Isagi came to steal him back.

In the Second Selection, Bachira also only scored one goal, and that was even with Rin manipulating him:

Bachira had an awesome awakening arc, but he didn't score a goal then because of Isagi blocking it, so it doesn't count.

In the Third Selection, only Rin scored in their team

So, the First, Second, and Third Selections combined, Bachira only scored two goals.

Not really indicative of a striker, don't you think?

Bachira’s #7 rank could only be largely because of those second and third factors. Considering the importance Ego places on scoring your own goals, I’m inclined to think that it’s more of the former: the World Five’s assessment of him.

Specifically, Pablo Cavasoz’s assessment of Bachira.

Pablo’s first words to Bachira were of praise:

Bachira even got past him on his first try. Granted, Pablo was still underestimating them here; he just got caught off guard.

Then, his second words were of criticism:

The scene above was not included in the anime, by the way.

This seems to be the only time in the match where a World Five player criticizes a bluelocker without being condescending about it.

It may be that Pablo is just nice, but compare it to the criticism that Isagi and Rin received:

It’s not so obvious with Loki, but I personally find being asked if my move is okay to be mildly insulting.

And unlike Loki’s criticism of Isagi and Luna’s criticism of Rin, Pablo’s criticism of Bachira is actually constructive. He first points out what Bachira is doing right (“Your rhythm is dynamic”) before pointing out what he’s doing wrong (“but you don’t have enough patterns”).

Overall, Pablo seems to have a good impression of Bachira, and he must’ve said a lot of good things about him to Ego.

As for Ego’s judgment of Bachira… I’m not really sure what he thinks. As I said, Bachira had scored only two goals. Most of the time, he played more like a midfielder than a striker. If there’s one thing that could make Ego think highly of Bachira, then it’s probably Bachira’s ability to go through the enemy’s entire defense all by himself. He exhibited this in the Team V match as well as in the 4v4 match.

Now, with the post-Third-Selection ranking out of the way, let’s talk about how Bachira is ranked in other times…

Bachira’s rank has always been “high, but not too high”

At the beginning, Bachira is ranked #290, the highest in Team Z, second only to Kira, who was then eliminated.

At chapter 24 of the manga, Bachira’s rank was #270.

This was before the match against Team V, and Bachira hasn’t scored a goal yet, so of course he is ranked lower than those who have scored more goals. Rankings then were determined solely on number of goals. At this point in the story, Bachira was also still just playing with the monster and hasn’t awakened his own ego yet.

After the Second Selection’s First Stage, Bachira was ranked #16, placed right after Isagi.

Now, this is sus. How could Bachira finish faster than Chigiri?

If you remember, after Isagi entered the First Stage, the rest of Team Z decided the order through rock, paper, scissors.

Chigiri went in first, followed by Bachira. And you’re telling me that Chigiri, known for his speed and who was definitely more egoistic than Bachira at this time, actually finished later than Bachira despite having the early-start advantage?

It could only be because the author is deliberately choosing their ranks for the narrative and not basing it on their actual skills.

I mean, at chapter 58, Chigiri is shown to be ranked #44.

And in the Neo Egoist League arc, we are shown the significance of this number 44 to Chigiri.

Now, in the NEL arc, we have two ranks for Bachira so far. In chapter 170, he was ranked second, placed right after Rin. Not everyone has played in a match yet, but I still think this rank is quite impressive. He ranked higher than Shidou, the former #2.

Then in Chapter 204, he was ranked #3. If I remember correctly, Rin’s team hadn’t played a second match yet, so the rankings aren’t that accurate, but I still think it’s impressive. Bachira scored a goal in Ubers, a team known for their defense. If it weren’t for Nagi’s “miracle” goal, he could’ve maintained second place.

Conclusion

Apart from the rank #270 in the First Selection and the #16 in the Second Selection, Bachira has always ranked higher than Isagi. In both aforementioned cases, Bachira’s state was still that of being satisfied in just getting to play with Isagi. His ego hadn’t awakened yet, so it’s only natural that his performance suffers.

However, after his awakening, he has consistently ranked higher than Isagi. Somehow, I don’t see anyone talking about this. Bachira is often overlooked by the readers and also by the characters in-universe.

Even Isagi, the person who believes in Bachira the most, doesn’t really think of him as a threat:

He honestly thought that he and Bachira were about the same level.

And he was so surprised of Bachira’s level-up in Chapter 160:

“You just keep going past my expectations.” So to say, Isagi’s expectations of Bachira were actually lower. (I know Isagi doesn’t actually look down on Bachira, but just looking at it objectively, he really does not think of Bachira as a threat.)

And it’s not just Isagi who’s like this, but other characters as well.

Raichi couldn’t believe it:

And so did Igaguri:

Both Raichi and Igaguri are a terrible judge of skill, though. Raichi thinks Kaiser’s success was just because of Bastard Munchen’s system. And Igaguri didn’t even know Shidou was so amazing despite being on the same team with him during the Second Selection. So, whether their opinions count or not is up to you.

There’s also this line by Chigiri in the 4v4 match:

Chigiri thinks everyone else is slow, though, so again, not much weight in those words.

But it’s interesting to note that Isagi, Chigiri, Raichi, and Igaguri were in the same team as Bachira during the First Selection, yet they all don’t take Bachira that seriously.

It probably won’t be that long before they, especially Isagi, actually start seeing him as a threat.

Above is a panel of Isagi’s reaction to Bachira’s offer in the NEL arc in c204.

And remember what I said about their rankings being a deliberate narrative choice instead of an actual indication of their skill? What do you think the author is trying to say with Bachira’s rankings?

Before, I thought it was to set up Bachira as Isagi’s final boss, the last player Isagi has to devour before he can truly be the #1 striker. But now I think it could also be to set up Bachira as Isagi’s right-hand man. Not as a servant like how Ness is to Kaiser and how Reo is to Nagi, but as a partner who can fight side-by-side with Isagi.

Thoughts?

[arqueete]

New Year's Meme 2023

This is a survey reflecting on the year that I've been diligently filling out since Livejournal days. Anyone is welcome to take it for themselves.

1. What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?

I visited Italy! I went on a trip with my in-laws where we stayed in a rented house in Tuscany for a bit and then my husband and I spent a few days on our own in Venice.

I rode a water taxi in Venice.

I'm not 100% sure but I think I had actual tiramisu (as opposed to tiramisu-flavored things) for the first time this year?

I got into very seriously and deliberately writing a romance novel.

I went rollerblading at Red Arrow Park in Milwaukee which only opened to roller skates for the first time this summer.

I saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway (just before it closed.)

After making several recipes out of a Milk Bar cookbook, while we were in New York we got to actually get dessert at Milk Bar

I got this little display called a Tidbyt and I wrote an app for it that identifies airplanes that go past my apartment. (I also visited the observation lot at the airport for the first time because I'm a nerd.)

I went down to Chicago and visited a museum there by myself.

I got a Polaroid camera and took some photos with it.

I got food (biryani) from an Indian restaurant.

I went to beloved Milwaukee bar Bryant's and had a cocktail that was set on fire.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?

In 2023, I wanted to be more regular in going to the pottery studio where I have a membership, and I did work on that for a while but then I started to slow down again. I don't seem to do well with hobbies where I have to drive somewhere to go do them. I'm hoping to do more pottery stuff at home next year.

I also wanted to throw away less food and use up leftover ingredients in better ways. Still working on this, but my husband and I have a list on our fridge now of stuff we have sitting around that we know needs to be used soon.

I also wanted to ride the bus a little more. I did a pretty good job of this, I think! I bussed to the beach, to a favorite bookshop, to the State Fair, and to the train station.

In 2024, here's what I'm going for:

I want to get this novel I'm writing to the point where I can get some people to beta read it.

I used to keep a budget but since I got married and my husband and I got a joint account, we haven't really figured out a good way to keep a budget together. I'd like to start budgeting again.

I want to read every book the bi book club I'm in has on its schedule for 2024. I also want to reread more books I already own.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I went to a baby shower for one of my husband's cousins. I'm happy for them and their baby boy! 4. Did anyone close to you die? We lost one of my husband's best and oldest friends to suicide earlier this year. It's been rough, to be honest.

5. What countries did you visit? I went to Italy! Trying to learn some Italian from scratch stressed me out but I especially loved eating way too much gelato and walking around Venice. 6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023? Last year I said I wanted closer relationships to people who live nearby, to invite people over more. We tried to do a bit of this. We had guests over for dinner a few times, including my husband's cousin who literally lives in our apartment building so it's a little embarrassing that we haven't seen him. Also, things have been ramping back up with the bisexual community group I'm a part of.

I would like to have less stress in 2024 though, you know, wouldn't we all? 7. What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? In trying to think of dates off the top of my head and my brain says, hmm, April 7th, the day I saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. I mean, that was a good and important day in my life. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Maybe writing multiple drafts of a novel. I've gotten past first drafts before but it's been years since I've been writing this much and this regularly and I've been enjoying it. 9. What was your biggest failure? After feeling like I was managing my anxiety really well in recent years I think this year it became more of a struggle for me again. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I'm very lucky to generally be a healthy person but this year I dealt with some things... In the spring my chronic hives did finally stop. But then I got Covid. Then I got a painful cyst on my ovary. Then I got the stomach flu.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Probably the Tidbyt. It's a cute little super low res screen that sits in my living room and tells me things like the sunrise/sunset times, the weather forecast, the nearest airplane, and the flavor of the day at Kopp's Frozen Custard. Even though it's a tech thing it's helping me appreciate the little things and I like that about it. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Sufjan Stevens definitely seemed to have a shitty year but it was nice to see him making progress in recovering from his illness and, you know, I'd like to celebrate the great album he put out.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I already complained about Elon Musk in last year's survey but seeing Twitter fall apart has been depressing this year. 14. Where did most of your money go? Besides rent, probably to the Italy trip. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Airplanes! I got really into reading about commercial aviation this year and paying attention to the planes that pass by my apartment. 16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2023? We got a new Sufjan album, Javelin, in October and I listened to it a ton at that time.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. Happier or sadder? Sadder. ii. Older or wiser? Older. iii. Thinner or fatter? The same. iv. Richer or poorer? Richer. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I felt like I really didn't pay much attention to the news and world events this year. It seemed like everyone around me was outraged about one thing or another and I've just been tired and uninformed. I'm not proud of that. 19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Staying up late even when I knew I wouldn't get enough sleep. 20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent Christmas Eve with my family and then Christmas Day with my husband's family out in Madison.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? We have late dinner reservations and plan to hang around the restaurant bar until midnight.

22. Did you fall in love in 2023? I celebrated my first anniversary with my husband (went went to a nice new restaurant in the city called Lupi & Iris.) 23. How many one-night stands? None.

24. What was your favorite TV program? I loved the new seasons of What We Do In the Shadows and The Bear.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I like to read snark pages about fundamentalist Christian influencers and I've loved to hate Girl Defined and watching them just kind of spiral out of control this year. 26. What was the best book you read? I read a lot this year (I finished 18 books!) and I started a Goodreads account if anyone wants to be my reading buddy. Probably the best book I read this year in terms of quality was Educated by Tara Westover which is well-known and highly rated for good reason.

In terms of books that are not impressive in a literary way but made me feel totally rabid in a fandom way, I recently finished With Love, From Cold World and bought a copy just so I can reread it some time next year. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? I discovered Jose Gonzalez this year and he was really scratching an itch for me while waiting for a new Sufjan album. His song "Heartbeats" was on my Spotify Wrapped top songs.

28. What did you want and get? I wanted an inflatable Lapras so bad and in previous years they kept selling out before I could buy one but this summer I got one! I got the Lapras!!! I rode it out on the lake!

29. What did you want and not get? There were three different times that people were supposed to come visit us this year and it didn't happen. My husband's friend was supposed to stay with us and he passed before that happened. One of my husband's cousins was supposed to visit and then we got Covid and had to cancel. Then another one of my husband's cousins was supposed to visit and my husband had to go out of state for a relative's funeral and we canceled that, too. These are the sorts of things that added up to the year feeling like there were hard times around every corner, even though we had a lot to be grateful for. 30. What was your favorite film of this year? I saw a surprising amount of movies in theaters this year! I think Barbie was the most memorable (also, the theater I saw it in, The Downer Theatre, has since shut down so I will also remember it for that.)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 33. My husband and I got lunch at an Italian restaurant and then saw the matinee of Skylight Music Theater's production of School of Rock, which I did enjoy even though mostly it just made the both of us want to rewatch the movie.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Maybe not getting Covid. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023? I'm loving flannel shirts and sweater dresses this fall/winter. In the summer I was wearing a lot of dresses, too. I've gotten into tucking shirts into shorts or jeans. 34. What kept you sane? All the reading and writing I've been doing has helped me feel productive and grounded. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Maybe Ayo Edebiri on The Bear. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? Climate change felt relentless and inevitable this year, especially with the wildfire smoke we dealt with over the summer and the mild winter so far. 37. Who did you miss? I don't go on Twitter anymore and that's generally good for me, but there were some interesting people I followed on there where I'm like huh, wonder what they're up to now (but not enough to go back on Twitter and find out.) 38. Who was the best new person you met? My team at work went through a lot of changes this year and I always get nervous about new people getting hired (like, what if they're assholes?) Fortunately everyone who joined our team has been really nice and I'm grateful. 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023: This year I found a lot of freedom in taking a Marie Kondo-esque approach to my physical surroundings and just throwing shit out if I don't use it and it doesn't have active sentimental value to me. At the same time, this year I stopped being so hard on myself for buying things like coffee shop drinks all the time. So I guess generally the lesson is about recalibrating my idea of what is valuable to me to reflect what I actually enjoy day-to-day more than what I think I'm "supposed to" keep around or spend money on.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

He said that nothing lives long, only the earth and the mountains As he quoted Black Kettle's death song The words drifting off into the emptiness Of this great land where we’ve never belonged

Death Cab For Cutie - "Foxglove Through the Clearcut"

[magratpudifoot]

Finished 22 January 2024:

A Crown So Cursed - L.L. McKinney

There's a lesson here, should I ever get myself together and actually write a series.

I decided not to reread the first two books before jumping back into this one. I found them to be fine. They were interesting enough that I wanted to finish the story, but it wasn't something I was compelled to revisit. I wanted so much for this series to be for me, it looked like it would be perfect for me, and it just wasn't, and that's fine.

But this book took a while to be released (I AM NOT COMPLAINING, that's just how things are! You will never catch me shaming someone for taking their time with a project!), so I didn't remember all of the details of what came before. And I was fine with that.

This book does not waste any time helping you along if you don't remember the lore. In one notable instance, a character returns from a previous book without any specific information to indicate when or where Alice first met them. I still don't know what they did together previously. Again, I read the first two books three long pandemic years ago, and I accept responsibility for deliberately chosing not to do a pre-read re-read, but I am left at the end of it all blindly trusting that we didn't all just get Dawn Summersed because I still have no prior memory of this character.

I'm not asking for a Previously On. I don't want that 4th chapter in every Babysitter's Club book where the action stops for the copy paste of everyone's bio. And this series is very clearly written by a fandom writer for fandom readers, people who can be expected to have encyclopedic knowledge of their media. I get it. I am a fandom participant! I am obsessive about my favorite stories too! So it is fine if casual readers aren't included in the intended audience. None of this is judgement, just something to keep in mind when thinking about different people that might encounter a series and different uses they may have for a text.

This was also the most quadrillogy-feeling trilogy I have ever read. 25 pages from the end was the first time it even occurred to me this could possibly be the finale but brushed it off because there was so much character stuff left untended. 10 pages from the end, I was thinking, "I might just get the last book from the library instead of preordering this time." It wasn't until the acknowledgement that I was sure it was actually the end.

There's...a lot to explore in a follow up series, I guess?

[nonbinaryparent]

What a day. Long story time.

In retrospect, i kept telling myself, i could also not go to the farewell ceremony of my grandmother. But i did. It was both more horrible and filled with love than i could have expected.

But wow. My parents, who i deliberately don't see, were of course there. My father had gotten hold of my phone number although I had repeatedly made clear i don't want to have contact by phone. He had, without announcing who he was, sent me two texts beforehand. I had blocked and deleted it.

So on this glorious day where we are supposed to be remembering good stuff about my grandmother's life, they both literally cornered me. I was next to my cool uncle who's always joking which saved my spine. I am writing this down so i can remind myself of this out of world spiritual experience.

They were all how are you doing and why don't you talk to us and we miss you. I responded in single word answers. I think it was obvious i was highly uncomfortable with what they were doing. As usual they didn't care about such things. By some miracle my mother left somewhere during the conversation. My father asked if I had gotten his texts. I said i don't want to be contacted through phone. How then, he asked, as if he didn't know the answer. By email, i said. He went on to ask but how can we get into contact? And the often said, i don't understand why, even when I already explained several times that i first want to talk about the past and not pretend everything is alright when it never was. So i said, that is part of the problem, but we're not here for that today.

He agreed. And flipped! I do not remember him lossing his cool so badly before, at least not to me. I was nearly scared. His last famous words, i am giving you all the time you need, but there is a limit! I was very cool because i simply repeated, that's not what we're here for today. He left. Classic abuser words, i am well aware. My uncle was awesome and reassured me and supported me and joked a bit. I never felt so loved by anyone on this side of the family.

Driving back i was overwhelmed with shock at my father's outburst, though in hindsight from what I've read from others, this was to be expected. How could anything ever be their fault? It would have to be mine, that's why he is 'giving me all the time', except he isn't cause there is a mysterious limit that apparent i should fear. It must be so nice not wanting to know he already surpassed my limit long ago and i have zero intention of contacting him ever. I lost my feeble hope of reconciliation today and it was very freeing. Not just goodbye to my grandmother, but more to them.

And the love. The overwhelming love and support from my uncle, i could almost cry with joy. That I live to experience this strong belonging is almost worth the epic failures of my parents today.

They suck they suck they suck. I liked to make believe that one day they will realize they suck, but it's not going to happen, because they suck. I am already infinitely a better parent and adult depsite their treatment, because I know how not to be like them. I'm very much open to feedback and criticism and finding ways to improve myself or a situation, even if it means it doesn't work out. I listen to my kids and take them seriously. I'm not a perfect parent cause that doesn't exist, but i value the kids as human beings with their own needs and wants and opinions. Sometimes too much.

My parents suck, but that doesn't mean i suck. They treated me badly, but that doesn't mean i deserved that, ever. And i got better things to do with my life than get dragged down into this nonsense. They don't even know how old I am.

For real, future me, if you're rereading this. There's so many wonderful lovely people in your life. Contact them and talk with them and hug them. Life is beautiful with them. I'm so proud of you today, keeping your cool. And even if you don't, that's fine too.

Such a long story and not a word about how wonderful my grandmother was in teaching me to draw with watercolors, card games and board games, making soup for me and yoghurt with oats, how she survived bombing in the second world war and moved cross country. I'm sure theres a million things i don't know about, but these are the things i do know. She was magnificent and is proud of me.

[dishwater-blondie]

that last ficlet you wrote abt masha finding out was gut-wrenchingly good, but now i gotta ask: do you see mariya ever finding out, in a hypothetical continuation of whatever comes after whence i came (fragments)? and in an alternate world where angelika lives and follows nathalie to paris, where do you see mariya? also, with everyone gushing over wic(f), i decided to go back and reread the worst and best thing bc that one’s also just super fuckin good (and i see you’ve got a christmas sequel lined up?? 👀), and i caught something that i wanted to ask about as well: in ch17, right when nathalie goes into labor, there’s a throwaway remark about how the last time she’d held a baby, she was eight, and my brain (after going OH? 👀) immediately connected that to the last time she was in russia before phillipe collected her; was that an intentional nod on your part or was it just a happy accident? either way, i can’t stress enough how much i enjoy your stuff, and i hope you know your work is greatly appreciated

Hmm, some very good questions here.

In a hypothetical continuation of WIC(F), I don't think I would plan for Mariya to find out about Hawk Moth and Mayura, especially because they're now giving up the original mission and would have completely ceased using the miraculous by the time Mariya visits again. She wouldn't have the opportunity to find out about it unless one of them deliberately chose to tell her.

Which, admittedly, is possible. But not right away. I could see Nathalie confessing the reason she became ill several years down the road when Hawk Moth and Mayura are long in the past. Mariya would be especially distanced from the memory of them since she simply wasn't around to witness anything they did and would have a much better reaction than I depicted in the ficlet.

If Angelika lived, Nathalie would have wound up in Paris later in life, probably only making it there permanently in time for university. Her sister (who would also have a different name, since Angelika did not live to name her), is only about 10 at the time and stays in Moscow with their mother.

But if Angelika follows Nathalie to Paris later on, some time in the next few years, she comes along, having missed her older sister greatly.

And that line in The Worst and Best Thing was entirely intentional. I wrote that chapter in June, so a little under three months before Whence I Came (Fragments) came out. At that time, I hadn't planned everything out yet, but I knew by then how and when Angelika dies, and that Nathalie gets separated from her baby sister when she's eight years old.

I'd also completely forgotten that I'd included that little nod until recently, lol.