#i deliberately did not reread these before pasting them in here so i don't know if they're good

[jxrmngxndr]

She flutters about him as a moth might a flame, silver bells in the hollow of her throat. A finger's brush to his shoulder, his elbow as she sweeps past, the line of his back as she circles around once more. All so that she might stop just before him and smile, close enough to challenge the cold with her own.

"Since we're doing letters now," she chirps, withdrawing a petal-pink envelope from her pocket and waving it beneath his nose, "I thought I should keep on theme~"

Disregard that she had chosen to deliver it personally. A fool might wonder if she is lonely, if an excuse to see him is more for herself than for Kevin.

"You're only allowed to read it when you're alone, 'kay?" A wink for good measure, just to make sure he doesn't get any ideas about doing so sooner.

And when he does, finally have the moment:

Dearest Kevin, A few times in your life, you've been right. Months ago you wrote to me of a daydream you thought that I might enjoy, and that was one of them. You might be surprised to know how many times I've considered if I regret my decision. Don't worry, the answer is always no. A perfect girl like me never has regrets, after all~ But sometimes, every now and then, I do wish I might could be a little less perfect. Bizarre, don't you think? Because if I could regret anything, I would regret that I could not have been there with you through it all. I would lament the fact that the world had to be worth more to me than my friends. Maybe we would have still been the heroes by the end of the story, together. I believe we still can be. If you were meant to die a villain, you would still be dead. So do me a favor and live like you're more than that. I know that's no small ask-- you've been miserable for so long that I almost can't remember a time when you weren't-- but you have a chance and you should take it. Make something of it. That's what you got it for, after all! Besides, this second life may not come with such forgiving, youthful skin. Seriously, wrinkles are a real problem!! Happy birthday, Kevin. I hope it hasn't been too long since you last had someone to say that to you. ( And if it has, well, it never will be again. ) XOXO, Ellie ♡

The wave of the letter beneath his nose brought to mind a bouquet of perfumes, soft and floral and sweet, and most of which her certainly filled in with the scent memory his mind provided. Whether she had done so deliberately or not, he was overwhelmed, momentarily, with the sensation of everything that had passed in between them, every brush of those fingers along his back, shoulders, arms that had filled his nose with the scent of her.

It was almost cruel, for her to insist upon his loneliness before indulging of her – as though she believed him to have ever not been lonely. As with so many things Elysia said, it was impossible to discern her true motives, kept close to her heart, and possibly clouded even from herself under that sweet floral perfume.

His eyes glanced over the words, taking them in as a whole at first, and then rereading again, then again, then again until they had been committed to memory – a habit, perhaps, when it was the only thing that he had to call upon, his fingers gentle against the page with the practice of one who had done this same thing to another letter, longer past than any living could have pretended to comprehend.

Those words had long faded, he now realized, but these before him, stark and bright against the page emphasized something to him that he had, perhaps, forgotten: Elysia was braver than he was.

He presented the stronger front, but the truth was undeniable when he danced around these hard subjects, did not confront them directly, as she did – those months ago, it had been the same, merely hinting at his presence, for her to do with the information as she would, and here, now, she bared her regrets for him to see.

Perfect, even in her imperfection.

It was not the time to ask her why she had made her choices, anymore than it would be the time for her to ask him why he'd made his. But she knew where he was, and he where she was – the steps trod in either direction, and if either of them were just a little braver, they could meet in the middle.

[magratpudifoot]

Finished 22 January 2024:

A Crown So Cursed - L.L. McKinney

There's a lesson here, should I ever get myself together and actually write a series.

I decided not to reread the first two books before jumping back into this one. I found them to be fine. They were interesting enough that I wanted to finish the story, but it wasn't something I was compelled to revisit. I wanted so much for this series to be for me, it looked like it would be perfect for me, and it just wasn't, and that's fine.

But this book took a while to be released (I AM NOT COMPLAINING, that's just how things are! You will never catch me shaming someone for taking their time with a project!), so I didn't remember all of the details of what came before. And I was fine with that.

This book does not waste any time helping you along if you don't remember the lore. In one notable instance, a character returns from a previous book without any specific information to indicate when or where Alice first met them. I still don't know what they did together previously. Again, I read the first two books three long pandemic years ago, and I accept responsibility for deliberately chosing not to do a pre-read re-read, but I am left at the end of it all blindly trusting that we didn't all just get Dawn Summersed because I still have no prior memory of this character.

I'm not asking for a Previously On. I don't want that 4th chapter in every Babysitter's Club book where the action stops for the copy paste of everyone's bio. And this series is very clearly written by a fandom writer for fandom readers, people who can be expected to have encyclopedic knowledge of their media. I get it. I am a fandom participant! I am obsessive about my favorite stories too! So it is fine if casual readers aren't included in the intended audience. None of this is judgement, just something to keep in mind when thinking about different people that might encounter a series and different uses they may have for a text.

This was also the most quadrillogy-feeling trilogy I have ever read. 25 pages from the end was the first time it even occurred to me this could possibly be the finale but brushed it off because there was so much character stuff left untended. 10 pages from the end, I was thinking, "I might just get the last book from the library instead of preordering this time." It wasn't until the acknowledgement that I was sure it was actually the end.

There's...a lot to explore in a follow up series, I guess?

[duplicitywrites]

Ooooh I wanna hear about Fear Is Only The Beginning

Fear is Only the Beginning

i honestly don't know if/when i will ever go back to this sjgssdg my writing style and preferences have changed a lot since i started that story 😭

but i think i'll take this as an opportunity to share a lot of snippets i wrote for future scenes that may never see the light of day. look below the cut for more!

[ send a WIP title and i'll share something for it/about it ]

---

scene one:

Tom waits until they are alone in their dormitory to pass him the book. The cover has a charm placed on it to obscure the true title, but even that does little to mask the magic emanating from the pages.

“I bookmarked a page,” Tom says casually, but Harry can sense excitement beneath Tom’s usual veil of careful detachment.

Later, when he is finally alone, Harry flips to the marker and starts reading, unsure if he’ll be able to stomach the entire book from start to finish.

Horcrux. Just reading the word leaves Harry feeling awful. Reading the process behind it only worsens the feeling. His skin crawls when he thinks on it, even long after the book has been returned. Killing someone so that you can live forever.

But it is soul magic, and that is significant. Harry can’t say he agrees with everything that Tom does, or wants to do, but this is an opportunity to learn things that Tom won’t find suspicious. They can research this together, and if Harry can find a solution, find a way out—well, he’d be a fool not to try and take it.

Tom wants to live forever. He wants to tether himself to this world, to this life. He wants Harry by his side while he does it. Harry just wants to live knowing his soul is wholly his own.

If he can separate the piece of soul that doesn’t belong to him, maybe Tom won’t want him anymore. Harry’s not sure how he feels about that. He’s been linked to Tom for years now, the two of them drawn together by their strange magical connection. He still occasionally catches Tom glancing at his lightning scar, clearly deep in thought. Tom hates not knowing things, and Harry thinks it’s a wonder he never got dumped into Ravenclaw after rejecting Slytherin.

The mere thought of opposing Tom scares him. Not out of fear that Tom will hurt him, but rather what other consequences might make themselves known. Tom is volatile, mercurial. His desires and ambitions wage a constant war against the world as he strives to force reality to bend its knee to him. 

It is breathtaking to witness Tom in those moments, even though it is Tom’s cruelty and pragmatism breaking the surface. There is fulfillment in being a part of something so powerful, the tiny cogs of Tom’s grand plans humming in unison as the large wheels of politics continue to turn.

Harry knows that he helps to buffer Tom’s sharper edges, that he provides Tom with something truly invaluable: an ally, an equal. He will always act in Tom’s best interests, for Tom’s own good. And Tom will never hurt him. It would be hard to leave Tom, knowing that.

---

scene two:

“You’re always someone to me, Tom. You always have been and you always will be.”

Harry is too close. His words are like fire against Tom’s skin, burning hot all over. His hand is touching Tom’s, holding it gently, threading their fingers together. Harry is all that is good in the world. He is the only thing that matters. He should be the only thing that matters.

“Tom?” asks Harry, concerned.

Tom forces his throat to clear itself. “Harry,” he says. Just that, nothing else.

“It’s you and me, Tom,” continues Harry, voice soft. “You have me. Isn’t that enough?”

Harry’s eyes—so green, like liquid emeralds—are swallowing Tom whole. Tom feels like he’s never been so alive as Harry watches him, sees him. Tom wants so much. He wants the world. Tom wants to fashion himself from diamond and silver, unbreakable and shining. But Harry sees through him, burns him, breaks him down into his constituent pieces with nothing more than a loaded glance.

Tom’s free hand rises to touch Harry’s face, to drag his fingers up Harry’s cheek, along the bone structure, across the brow, under the forehead, and just around the edge of the angry red scar. All this, all of Harry. All of it is his. Oh, it aches. A different kind of pain from the scorching fire in his lungs and his raw, parched throat.

“Harry,” Tom repeats. “I want you.” I need you.

They are centimeters apart, sharing the same air, chests almost pressed together. Tom can feel each breath that passes in and out of Harry’s lungs.

“Then have me.”

Tom obliges, closing the remaining distance. His mouth touches Harry's, hesitant. Everything is warm. Harry is warm. Their lips come together, moving, and Tom’s hand winds its way past the scar and into Harry’s hair. The kiss is careful, so careful, because Harry might pull away at any moment, might leave. 

Harry’s hands come up to grasp Tom’s waist, to pull them closer together still. Tom feels dizzy as his head tilts back, his lips parting to inhale. His breaths are unsteady, he can hear the air passing into him in irregular bursts.

But Harry’s smile is familiar. Being with Harry screams safety and acceptance and care—all the things Tom had tried to find for himself in the world only to be disappointed time and time again. The rest of the world never mattered to him except when it came to his desire to conquer it. This world, his world, is Harry. The strange scar and the knobby knees and the snarky jokes at his expense. Always this, always Harry.

Without any conscious thought, Tom finds himself drawn back down, his lips against Harry’s. The kiss is messy and inexperienced, but every touch of Harry’s skin upon his leaves him hungry for more. If he can have this—if he can have this for every day for the rest of his life—

When they pull away, Tom has one hand curled against the nape of Harry’s neck. His other arm is wrapped around Harry in a tight grip, fingers grasping hard enough to bruise, but Harry doesn’t seem to mind. Harry’s hands are still gentle on Tom’s waist, their thumbs stroking slow patterns that Tom can feel through his shirt.

“I love you,” Harry says, breath hitching, words sincere.

The statement hurts somehow. Tom presses his forehead against Harry’s, careful to avoid contact with the scar. Tom can’t form the words in return. He’s not sure if he can. The concept of love seems very far away from where they are. Tom has always wanted to be more, to have more.

They are breathing together. Him and Harry. Two of the same, two souls bound for each other. That thought calms Tom, steadies him.

Tom brushes his lips against Harry’s cheek, feather soft. He hopes Harry understands.

Harry’s hand comes up to cup Tom’s face, to brush calloused fingertips along the upper part of Tom’s jaw. With Harry’s touch comes reassurance. Tom is not alone, and he never will be.

“Forever,” Tom says. It’s not quite the same, but the sentiment is there.

Harry gives him another quick kiss in return. It is enough.

[fyeahbachisagi]

On Bachira’s Rankings

Warning: This post will contain a lot of manga spoilers!

Season 1 of the anime just finished. I reread a few chapters of the manga starting from where it ended, and I noticed something strange…

How on earth did Bachira rank #7 after the Third Selection?

Like, I know he’s amazing, but considering how the ranking was determined…

... Bachira's rank may be less of an indication of how amazing he is and more of a deliberate narrative choice by the author.

The panel above is of Ego answering Yukki’s question about the difference between him and #1. Essentially, the standard used to determine the Top 6. Let’s extend that standard to the lower ranks.

The ranks are determined by:

Goals scored since First Selection

World Five's personal judgment

Ego's judgment

Just on that first factor, you really have to wonder how Bachira ranks higher than Barou, one of the top scorers in their First Selection wing. Throughout the entire First Selection, Bachira scored only one goal, and that was in the match against Team V.

In the Second Selection, Bachira only participated in two matches: the 3v3 with Isagi and Nagi against the Top 3, and the 4v4 when Isagi came to steal him back.

In the Second Selection, Bachira also only scored one goal, and that was even with Rin manipulating him:

Bachira had an awesome awakening arc, but he didn't score a goal then because of Isagi blocking it, so it doesn't count.

In the Third Selection, only Rin scored in their team

So, the First, Second, and Third Selections combined, Bachira only scored two goals.

Not really indicative of a striker, don't you think?

Bachira’s #7 rank could only be largely because of those second and third factors. Considering the importance Ego places on scoring your own goals, I’m inclined to think that it’s more of the former: the World Five’s assessment of him.

Specifically, Pablo Cavasoz’s assessment of Bachira.

Pablo’s first words to Bachira were of praise:

Bachira even got past him on his first try. Granted, Pablo was still underestimating them here; he just got caught off guard.

Then, his second words were of criticism:

The scene above was not included in the anime, by the way.

This seems to be the only time in the match where a World Five player criticizes a bluelocker without being condescending about it.

It may be that Pablo is just nice, but compare it to the criticism that Isagi and Rin received:

It’s not so obvious with Loki, but I personally find being asked if my move is okay to be mildly insulting.

And unlike Loki’s criticism of Isagi and Luna’s criticism of Rin, Pablo’s criticism of Bachira is actually constructive. He first points out what Bachira is doing right (“Your rhythm is dynamic”) before pointing out what he’s doing wrong (“but you don’t have enough patterns”).

Overall, Pablo seems to have a good impression of Bachira, and he must’ve said a lot of good things about him to Ego.

As for Ego’s judgment of Bachira… I’m not really sure what he thinks. As I said, Bachira had scored only two goals. Most of the time, he played more like a midfielder than a striker. If there’s one thing that could make Ego think highly of Bachira, then it’s probably Bachira’s ability to go through the enemy’s entire defense all by himself. He exhibited this in the Team V match as well as in the 4v4 match.

Now, with the post-Third-Selection ranking out of the way, let’s talk about how Bachira is ranked in other times…

Bachira’s rank has always been “high, but not too high”

At the beginning, Bachira is ranked #290, the highest in Team Z, second only to Kira, who was then eliminated.

At chapter 24 of the manga, Bachira’s rank was #270.

This was before the match against Team V, and Bachira hasn’t scored a goal yet, so of course he is ranked lower than those who have scored more goals. Rankings then were determined solely on number of goals. At this point in the story, Bachira was also still just playing with the monster and hasn’t awakened his own ego yet.

After the Second Selection’s First Stage, Bachira was ranked #16, placed right after Isagi.

Now, this is sus. How could Bachira finish faster than Chigiri?

If you remember, after Isagi entered the First Stage, the rest of Team Z decided the order through rock, paper, scissors.

Chigiri went in first, followed by Bachira. And you’re telling me that Chigiri, known for his speed and who was definitely more egoistic than Bachira at this time, actually finished later than Bachira despite having the early-start advantage?

It could only be because the author is deliberately choosing their ranks for the narrative and not basing it on their actual skills.

I mean, at chapter 58, Chigiri is shown to be ranked #44.

And in the Neo Egoist League arc, we are shown the significance of this number 44 to Chigiri.

Now, in the NEL arc, we have two ranks for Bachira so far. In chapter 170, he was ranked second, placed right after Rin. Not everyone has played in a match yet, but I still think this rank is quite impressive. He ranked higher than Shidou, the former #2.

Then in Chapter 204, he was ranked #3. If I remember correctly, Rin’s team hadn’t played a second match yet, so the rankings aren’t that accurate, but I still think it’s impressive. Bachira scored a goal in Ubers, a team known for their defense. If it weren’t for Nagi’s “miracle” goal, he could’ve maintained second place.

Conclusion

Apart from the rank #270 in the First Selection and the #16 in the Second Selection, Bachira has always ranked higher than Isagi. In both aforementioned cases, Bachira’s state was still that of being satisfied in just getting to play with Isagi. His ego hadn’t awakened yet, so it’s only natural that his performance suffers.

However, after his awakening, he has consistently ranked higher than Isagi. Somehow, I don’t see anyone talking about this. Bachira is often overlooked by the readers and also by the characters in-universe.

Even Isagi, the person who believes in Bachira the most, doesn’t really think of him as a threat:

He honestly thought that he and Bachira were about the same level.

And he was so surprised of Bachira’s level-up in Chapter 160:

“You just keep going past my expectations.” So to say, Isagi’s expectations of Bachira were actually lower. (I know Isagi doesn’t actually look down on Bachira, but just looking at it objectively, he really does not think of Bachira as a threat.)

And it’s not just Isagi who’s like this, but other characters as well.

Raichi couldn’t believe it:

And so did Igaguri:

Both Raichi and Igaguri are a terrible judge of skill, though. Raichi thinks Kaiser’s success was just because of Bastard Munchen’s system. And Igaguri didn’t even know Shidou was so amazing despite being on the same team with him during the Second Selection. So, whether their opinions count or not is up to you.

There’s also this line by Chigiri in the 4v4 match:

Chigiri thinks everyone else is slow, though, so again, not much weight in those words.

But it’s interesting to note that Isagi, Chigiri, Raichi, and Igaguri were in the same team as Bachira during the First Selection, yet they all don’t take Bachira that seriously.

It probably won’t be that long before they, especially Isagi, actually start seeing him as a threat.

Above is a panel of Isagi’s reaction to Bachira’s offer in the NEL arc in c204.

And remember what I said about their rankings being a deliberate narrative choice instead of an actual indication of their skill? What do you think the author is trying to say with Bachira’s rankings?

Before, I thought it was to set up Bachira as Isagi’s final boss, the last player Isagi has to devour before he can truly be the #1 striker. But now I think it could also be to set up Bachira as Isagi’s right-hand man. Not as a servant like how Ness is to Kaiser and how Reo is to Nagi, but as a partner who can fight side-by-side with Isagi.

Thoughts?

[nonbinaryparent]

What a day. Long story time.

In retrospect, i kept telling myself, i could also not go to the farewell ceremony of my grandmother. But i did. It was both more horrible and filled with love than i could have expected.

But wow. My parents, who i deliberately don't see, were of course there. My father had gotten hold of my phone number although I had repeatedly made clear i don't want to have contact by phone. He had, without announcing who he was, sent me two texts beforehand. I had blocked and deleted it.

So on this glorious day where we are supposed to be remembering good stuff about my grandmother's life, they both literally cornered me. I was next to my cool uncle who's always joking which saved my spine. I am writing this down so i can remind myself of this out of world spiritual experience.

They were all how are you doing and why don't you talk to us and we miss you. I responded in single word answers. I think it was obvious i was highly uncomfortable with what they were doing. As usual they didn't care about such things. By some miracle my mother left somewhere during the conversation. My father asked if I had gotten his texts. I said i don't want to be contacted through phone. How then, he asked, as if he didn't know the answer. By email, i said. He went on to ask but how can we get into contact? And the often said, i don't understand why, even when I already explained several times that i first want to talk about the past and not pretend everything is alright when it never was. So i said, that is part of the problem, but we're not here for that today.

He agreed. And flipped! I do not remember him lossing his cool so badly before, at least not to me. I was nearly scared. His last famous words, i am giving you all the time you need, but there is a limit! I was very cool because i simply repeated, that's not what we're here for today. He left. Classic abuser words, i am well aware. My uncle was awesome and reassured me and supported me and joked a bit. I never felt so loved by anyone on this side of the family.

Driving back i was overwhelmed with shock at my father's outburst, though in hindsight from what I've read from others, this was to be expected. How could anything ever be their fault? It would have to be mine, that's why he is 'giving me all the time', except he isn't cause there is a mysterious limit that apparent i should fear. It must be so nice not wanting to know he already surpassed my limit long ago and i have zero intention of contacting him ever. I lost my feeble hope of reconciliation today and it was very freeing. Not just goodbye to my grandmother, but more to them.

And the love. The overwhelming love and support from my uncle, i could almost cry with joy. That I live to experience this strong belonging is almost worth the epic failures of my parents today.

They suck they suck they suck. I liked to make believe that one day they will realize they suck, but it's not going to happen, because they suck. I am already infinitely a better parent and adult depsite their treatment, because I know how not to be like them. I'm very much open to feedback and criticism and finding ways to improve myself or a situation, even if it means it doesn't work out. I listen to my kids and take them seriously. I'm not a perfect parent cause that doesn't exist, but i value the kids as human beings with their own needs and wants and opinions. Sometimes too much.

My parents suck, but that doesn't mean i suck. They treated me badly, but that doesn't mean i deserved that, ever. And i got better things to do with my life than get dragged down into this nonsense. They don't even know how old I am.

For real, future me, if you're rereading this. There's so many wonderful lovely people in your life. Contact them and talk with them and hug them. Life is beautiful with them. I'm so proud of you today, keeping your cool. And even if you don't, that's fine too.

Such a long story and not a word about how wonderful my grandmother was in teaching me to draw with watercolors, card games and board games, making soup for me and yoghurt with oats, how she survived bombing in the second world war and moved cross country. I'm sure theres a million things i don't know about, but these are the things i do know. She was magnificent and is proud of me.

[dishwater-blondie]

that last ficlet you wrote abt masha finding out was gut-wrenchingly good, but now i gotta ask: do you see mariya ever finding out, in a hypothetical continuation of whatever comes after whence i came (fragments)? and in an alternate world where angelika lives and follows nathalie to paris, where do you see mariya? also, with everyone gushing over wic(f), i decided to go back and reread the worst and best thing bc that one’s also just super fuckin good (and i see you’ve got a christmas sequel lined up?? 👀), and i caught something that i wanted to ask about as well: in ch17, right when nathalie goes into labor, there’s a throwaway remark about how the last time she’d held a baby, she was eight, and my brain (after going OH? 👀) immediately connected that to the last time she was in russia before phillipe collected her; was that an intentional nod on your part or was it just a happy accident? either way, i can’t stress enough how much i enjoy your stuff, and i hope you know your work is greatly appreciated

Hmm, some very good questions here.

In a hypothetical continuation of WIC(F), I don't think I would plan for Mariya to find out about Hawk Moth and Mayura, especially because they're now giving up the original mission and would have completely ceased using the miraculous by the time Mariya visits again. She wouldn't have the opportunity to find out about it unless one of them deliberately chose to tell her.

Which, admittedly, is possible. But not right away. I could see Nathalie confessing the reason she became ill several years down the road when Hawk Moth and Mayura are long in the past. Mariya would be especially distanced from the memory of them since she simply wasn't around to witness anything they did and would have a much better reaction than I depicted in the ficlet.

If Angelika lived, Nathalie would have wound up in Paris later in life, probably only making it there permanently in time for university. Her sister (who would also have a different name, since Angelika did not live to name her), is only about 10 at the time and stays in Moscow with their mother.

But if Angelika follows Nathalie to Paris later on, some time in the next few years, she comes along, having missed her older sister greatly.

And that line in The Worst and Best Thing was entirely intentional. I wrote that chapter in June, so a little under three months before Whence I Came (Fragments) came out. At that time, I hadn't planned everything out yet, but I knew by then how and when Angelika dies, and that Nathalie gets separated from her baby sister when she's eight years old.

I'd also completely forgotten that I'd included that little nod until recently, lol.