#i deleted a bit so its not 9 anymore but i'll get back there. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

randomclam24 · 1 year ago

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Getting kind of bored of a lot of things. The shills aren't hard to see through - in fact it takes a minute of thinking about it to find a contradiction in motives. I don't know why they want to push certain things. It's very annoying, and yet the majority of people still contribute to these conversations online.

I finally continued my run of Hell on Earth Starter Pack and just deleted the saves which were still early on for Doom II - so we're going to do this run instead. This is being run with Death Wish spawning being the default now, on Painkiller difficulty. I haven't beaten Doom episode four on this mode, but that came out after Doom II.

Update Given the oversaturation of boring shills, the whole Internet by the sheer overshadowed speed of the stupidity going around at any given moment in time seems like the movement of tectonic plates

I want a place to post things that not everyone will see or something

One thing I know that I can just tell anyone is that if anyone wants to further the use of the word "mid" - there's one instance I know of that that applies to for sure, and that is Sonic the Hedgehog 4, which doesn't even have the original Genesis physics remotely intact. The fact of it being "mid" is on account of the fact that the very team that conceived of such a thing couldn't even get their motivations straight, so ultimately there just ends up being a gross amalgamation of mixed - what do you even call them?

If something has a determined direction - even in the case of Sonic '06, I can see the fact of that - there isn't a place to call it "mid", because even in the case of something being fundamentally flawed, that still is applicable to its *execution*, not to its origins themselves, as in the case of Sonic 4, where nothing great was *ever* going to come from that.

I don't buy either of those games by the way.

Update This world, with its expectations, is at foundation an antipathy to a world, supported only in that it continues society's previous values on the *surface* "I know, I'm just not going to [respect you] is all...*laughing noises*"

Update High-tier freemasonry - every time you appeal to logic on any level, you're appealing to a God that failed hundred of years ago - sorry ******fam******

Update Listening to get caught up to Common Filth a bit more, we have the trope that people thought blacks and gays were the same thing - equity, guys! I'd logically agree in any situation, modifying the slogan a bit, we're all one species, the human species

Hell

Update Race relations - to have race relations without - what exactly do you call it? Equity, Tikkun Olam,

9/15 Okay, so I've eaten good this morning. If my feelings that everything is pointless were in any way caused by hunger, that should do it.

I just feel like whatever I would choose to do, it would be more like coasting than actually actively doing anything anymore.

Update About now, I'm feeling like the dog that someone once said could just go run off wherever it wants because he doesn't really care if it comes back at all or not or if it dies. I don't see any reason to think any more of human life than that, because it's so pointless. I'll keep fending for myself when it comes to these crunch scenarios which seem so prevalent that life itself seems like a showcase for these damned things and nothing else, given how much of a barren wasteland the sheer expanse time is compared to how often they crop up just like it's nothing. But aside from them - granted that there can be any moment where I truly get to relax for an extended period of time, not cut short - it's hard to even get back to what I was thinking, but - I was thinking life itself is fundamentally meaningless, not worth the time of day. I can't say anything *bad* about these people, so there's no free will left of my own self in this world. There's no other opportunity because the risk of being fired would be too astronomically high at every given moment. Just think about the little guy for a second. It's not worth it, dumbass, dipshit. Implying you would actually think - hence, dumbass, dipshit. Dumbass, dipshit. Don't know what else to call you. You're a - midwit. Oh right, we already called you that.

The modern employers are brutes!

I keep wrestling with the reality against my natural thoughts. Look, at the scale we're at, when it comes to conspiracy theories as a proposition, it really is true the fact that I have to redact any attempt at self-expression as it relates to other people really has preceded any event of being shown conspiracy theories at all in my life. I just don't like human beings. I can't consider myself one, technically, because my natural thoughts just keep drifting off the deep end of what everybody else cuts short on instinct. So - human instincts aren't *mine*

I already posted what I'd be watching for a while somewhere else. I can't even muster the focus necessary to watch anything right now. I just feel like going to sleep.

Update I felt like just wandering around wherever for a while in hopes of getting a palate cleanser, and so I took a relatively long walk. Now that I've rested a minute but am still too tired to go do it again, that's the exact same sentiment I have now. Let's go eat food (and possibly get drunk later)

I feel like contributing nothing to evil old mankind today. It feels like a good day for that.

Update Up until the moment there was the major lapse in judgment on the part of whoever in the upper ranks in New Mexico with the self-declared-emergency gun laws, the entire zeitgeist that the right wing won't do anything was quickly realized to be projection. Now, with that established, and with all of this crap done, I don't feel like there's really anything left to be anxious about, not on my part. Now all that's left is - well, a complete lack of anything.

It's like if you were all to die trying, that wouldn't affect me so much because it was due to factors that are now entirely out of my control. But really, I don't relate to any of these groups.

Update In any case, if I'm not focused on making any personal breakthrough and just intend to truly live aimlessly, I have an obligation to hang myself for reasons that are beyond my concern.

Update There's no reason for doubt: if Silent Hill 2 didn't represent a finalization of consensus against the kinds of people the government wants to target, being such a strong psychological game, in 2023, they wouldn't make it.

So inasmuch as I said the deal's over, with people finding out that it's projection when shills keep parroting the, "you won't do shit", in reality it's only the people doing the effective bidding of the mainstream against its dissenters that have any organic motive for action. Just because they don't want to carry this out on the forefront with violence means they're *smart.* You won't do shit.

Going back to continue Silent Hill 3 might be in order, but at the time being, I really just don't care. I feel like laying in the dust to die.

9/16 I've *already* admitted conspiracy theories are a sham, start to finish.

I honestly still - well now more than ever - don't see why murder would be considered so heinous and in religion be the foremost sin when human lives are so altogether wasted in their very conception. I have it from experience that my own human life is not *worth* much. Otherwise, you could do something with it *It's like I'm living in an alternate reality. No one else considers their life cut off from everyone else like me.* (So, what - that itself is in an alternate reality)

The "merit" of human life is a *sham*, and everyone should see through it - it's not hard.

Update I had a run going of Silent Hill 2 where once at the prison, I basically stopped picking up any items, but at first I was still killing the enemies. This time I started up a while earlier than that but also stopped killing the enemies once there too. Now for some reason I had a ridiculous migraine, and now I can't stop having a recurrence of this headache. I can't do anything anymore.

Update Okay, finally. I usually forget what I'm even doing when login requirements get to this extreme point. So the last time I tried to take pills for a severe headache, my bitch *mom* espouses her usual typical spiel that I'm (I don't care) - this time I'm in so much pain, I've already cycled through considering hanging myself to stop the pain. I took the pills - since they had already left.

Update I finally heard enough talk about Ukraine for it to jog in my conscious awareness - all these people saying they support Ukraine, the money being channeled there which is against our will in the first place even *without* said consent is for a fiasco that didn't need to happen, if anyone ever really wants to pay attention, or at least to the extent it's been taken to at this point, where so many people out of the population are being used of out of Ukraine that they're allegedly having to kidnap old people out of wheelchairs now just to keep the forefronts fed. Is it the Ukranian people you support? If only it could have been America instead of a people that have nothing to do with the modern world's sins.

Update Existence sucks. Pull all funds It's too bad we're not any of us major financial donors, so that doesn't make any difference?

Update I don't know why. I'm making slow progress through Hell on Earth Starter Pack (with the mods, including my modification of a music mod) - but even then, a lot of the time I stop, it's just because I feel like I can't be bothered. I feel like sleeping more often now. I never actually get to doing that.

9/19 Honestly, if there's wisdom to be passed down from generations by the *modern* era, it's only that everything that gets passed out as reasons, from people living at the ground level all the way up to modern sciences, is post-hoc in nature.

From that, you should already be a recluse. I'm not saying you have to right away.

Well, I looked up the actual definition of "post hoc", and for people looking for the definition with my meaning removed for reasons that are post hoc in nature, the official definition isn't very serviceable for me, trying to convince them back - not at all. It never works.

What I'm trying to say is that these things passed out in the modern day as reasons are in fact more accurately known as rationalizations after the fact that a decision is already made in the subconscious. Science, in paid-off disingenuity, is just the same in this respect as the people influenced to then say "it's okay" and try it themselves at the ground level with their *own* dismissive bullshit. There isn't any value in listening to other people, even in recorded content with a deliberate purpose in mind (although when most people speak, there's a purpose they have in mind in the conversation also, but that just kind of proves the fact that that in itself doesn't *mean* very much), that is more than cursory in nature. If you're thinking with pangs going on over it, oh, those exceptions that I saw that had me so hooked prove what you're saying is a ton of bullshit, you're thinking too hard. Good things are the exception to the rule, and the exception proves the rule.

So what do you do? You become a recluse.

Really, you can listen to other people saying things of a deeper nature in *their* concerns, and in that instance maybe you'll scrape a few bits of meaning off of what is to them merely the surface of their real underlying point, since some things are more widely applicable regardless of the context - beyond that, all interest is lost. I don't relate to other people hanging on listening. Doesn't make sense.

I don't exactly *know* - at this point, it doesn't really matter if 2030 agendas actually play out, because there is the truth underlying agendas such as simply taking farms off the people's hands: people making their own individualistic attempts at higher reasoning doesn't pan out anything in the modern day, where people are already lesser than they were before the modern existence. By this point, by the fact that it's proven to be most effective just to listen to and believe the shills when they're talking like evil henchmen on the internet to understand the higher nature of the world around us, we know that higher knowledge lies - soundly - in the hands of the few

Honestly, though, it's not just ritualistic - people aren't worth their salt

If it was only 4chan - people there are actually actively trying - there it sounds like a fixed response to say "we'll just take this off your hands" for your better good - although it's *true* - listening to and believing the shills is the only way to know *concisely.* I was going to say, look - those aren't the scope of mankind, and with the same words turned around, mankind is a separate entity from the exception to the rule.

So, basically, it comes down to: if you're looking for answers in life as to its meaning, entities like the WEF and Blackrock already have the answer, and the shills of such entities gladly dispense that truth in a backhanded kind of way with, "and you can't do anything about it because you're broken and demoralized"

Wait - that's still assuming that we can't make our own way with our own answers - but again, I'm thinking too hard. This is to be considered as in a classroom setting in which we're conditioned from a young age: there's a right answer to every question, and we're just trying to align ourselves with it as a fundamentally separate entity from ourselves. That is the truth. That is correct. Something like, in the modern world, every question already comes with an answer deriving from past studies

I know that's fine and dandy as a world order for everyone else, but for me as the exception that proves the rule, you realize quickly it takes in fact an IQ *low enough* to process without being drawn on its own to broader subjects, which defeats the point, when just anyone else with a midwit IQ would be already all up in that. They would already be making six figures, not enthralled with anything *I'm* thinking on my own - I've missed the boat.

I don't know why I'm even talking, but I guess the agenda of higher entities like WEF and Blackrock of taking farms off our hands into a more definitive system just derives from the long-standing mindset that all our knowledge is now derivative of studies which are only helpful in that they have been collectively accumulated.

I thought about that once before, and it would seem to contradict the idea that evolutionism as a mindset arose from the direct relative of Luciferians: it says that, unlike this system which *denies* people at the ground level doing their own thing just to take the farce off of their hands, all forms of life originally came into being entirely *because* random generation eventually panned out winners.

You know how leftists are always calling it water-under-the-bridge when called out succinctly for doing what they made into the end of the world in their accusations of the other side? This might be in fact a case of that, on display in a more esoteric sense.

Honestly, I don't think we have any real upward mobility, even when it comes to trying to figure out matters of a higher nature on our own. The best you can hope to do is take the shills already out and about and try to *bait* them with some talk like this so they get enraged with it over the knowledge they already have and correct you, saying it's obviously this, this, and this. I've heard someone use a better term for it, but there isn't a time where the shills *aren't* or don't have the answer such that they're not the baseline for opinion, where the buck stops there for any given purposes. If I had to guess, these are established from top-level Masonry, where the agendas are formed organically, but not in a way that seems intuitive to us mere mortals on this pointless child's play-pen earth relative to the reality.

It's pointless. We're all going to live our lives as they were before we were conceived. I'm just going to lay around a lot.

And then the shills come out and say, this guy isn't a "part of it" - there's *really* nothing wrong with it (the WEF agenda, etc.)

And it's *true* - I'm really not a part of it when it comes to regular human people's processing of thoughts or any motivations or anything - shills don't even have to do a *job*; they are tasked only with the basic switching back on of people's suspended judgment based on that fact, and (really) they aren't needed to do that. It's just kind of like pouring salt in the wound, their being there, being that.

Update Well, anyway, I'm not an evolutionist. I don't believe that random generation can actually lead to the entire history of living creatures. (Honestly it gets off point to go on about this, but evolutionists will win the argument based on the fact that micro-evolution is demonstrable, creating a consensus such that they only need be obtuse to uphold it when presented with the question about the lack of evidence of macroevolution even in amber fossils, because with that consensus, that's neither here nor there.)

People tend not to find more profound results unless they were explicitly looking for something along those lines and then were essentially surprised by reality. People toiling at the ground level rarely produces these results. Plus, people that casual are just going to get bribed with external funding to skew the science to meet the producer's preconclusions. As usual. What do you expect? Science? That's been fundamentally defunct for however many several years.

Honestly, whether you're listening to a paid-off nu-scientist or the ramblings of some random person who may not really know much, we are mere mortals compared to the baseline-of-opinion online shill

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depressedtransguy · 3 years ago

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if you’re not @angelwiththeblue-box don’t read or i’ll feed your hand mouth lotion until it vomits

Loki sobbed harder as the body he had spent almost two years loving slumped against the wall with a trail of blood and other internal entities following him on the way down, squeezing one hand across his heart and one on the gun that he was still holding. Both were trembling badly. I had no choice, I had no choice, I had no choice, he repeated over and over in his head, trying to remind himself that he did the right thing, but his heart just couldn't accept that. Yet it was too late to go back. He was dead. And it was all Loki's fault.

The crying soon enough overtook his whole body and he was forced to drop down onto his knees, folding over until his pale forehead was resting against the cooling concrete and his tears were soaking the part beneath him. "I never wanted to hurt you, by god I never wanted to hurt you," Loki choked out with a following sob. Only then did he finally let go of the gun to claw at his neck as if that would open up his trachea from being strangled by tears. "I loved you. I love you."

"Oh my god, what the-? LOKI?"

A new and very familiar voice echoed against the hard surfaces and forced Loki to snap his head up to look him in the eye. His frightened eyes. Eyes that unfortunately had just doomed their host's life.

Within just seconds a knife had been yanked out of Loki's weapons belt and more blood was pouring out onto the floor, this time from a neck. His unconscious body crumbled down into the puddle. Loki felt less bad that time. The pair hadn’t been as close as he had with the original victim. But the more he thought about it, Loki realized that he didn't have to die in order for himself to live, and that fact alone twisted up his guts. Collateral damage. Not great.

Loki dropped the blood covered knife with a clatter onto the floor and collapsed down to his knees once more, the second death pushing his oppressive sorrow into nothing but crushing apathy. They were dead. Because of him.

When the door opened back up behind him Loki jumped up to his feet once more-already ready to kill again-only to stop when he saw that it was Odin.

"Good, the job's done."

Fingernails dug into Loki's palms. He was the one who set him up to this in the first place. Maybe I should kill him.

But Odin was quicker.

As Loki snatched a second knife-this one more ragged-and raised it up to pierce him right in the jugular vein, Odin turned on his heel and stopped him by his wrists, then shoving him into the other wall after disarming him. Loki’s head smacked into the concrete and he slid down to his ass. "Don't even think about it. I know you've heard the stories, and I'd hate for you to become nothing but a scary story to keep new trainees from stepping out of line," Odin spat, impaling the knife into the crown of the closest body’s head, before stepping forward to stand upright in front of Loki and display his dominance. Not that Loki really needed the reminder. “You could’ve been something really great, you know? I’ve seen you train, I’ve seen you in the simulations, and I just watched you kill two of your friends almost effortlessly, you could have been the best assassin in this place. But no, you’re selfish, aren’t you? You had to go and start this fling with that fucking amputee, and go against everything we’ve ever taught you. Stand up, hitman.”

Loki was forced to listen. But he was immediately struck in the face only to collapse on the floor once more. The pain of his hit shot through his nose and made his eyes water, the only tears not from sadness joining the wetness on his cheeks. He just stayed silent on the floor in fear of being hit again as the pain continued to gnaw at his face.

“We gave you a perfect road to success. And you destroyed it because you only had yourself in mind. You’re going to have to make up for this.” Only then did Odin wave him up from where he lay scared. But as soon as he did, knees shaking and hands shoved in his pockets to hide the trembling, a hand wrapped around his throat and tightened until he couldn’t breathe. Then his surprised face was brought up close to his superior’s. “Here’s what you’re going to do. Keep excelling in class. Keep doing what you’ve always been doing. But drop the little posse. And don’t step out of line again, or else next time, you won’t get a choice between your slow death or a quick murder. You understand?”

He still couldn’t breathe, his hands grabbing at Odin’s forearm and squeezing as if that would remove the iron grip from his throat, but he did his best to nod in understanding.

Thankfully after that he was dropped onto the floor and left to gasp. “You’re not going to be a victim of this horror. You’re going to be the perpetrator. Do you understand me?”

“Ye-yes,” Loki choked out. “I understand… sir.”

Odin smirked. “Good. You’ll be back on track in no time to be the monster we raised you to be.” With a tap of his steel toed boot against Loki’s rib cage, he then opened the door once more and swept out, leaving the teenager heaving against the floor with two dead bodies, a strew of his own weapons, a knot in his stomach, and a hole in his heart.

“Monster…”

Loki felt two arms wrap around him from behind and a head flop down on his shoulder as he slipped his boots on and tightened the laces, only then pausing at the feeling of his husband latching onto him. "Nightmare, huh?" Stephen whispered against the skin of his neck. "You always get up early for work when you have a bad one."

After seventeen years together Loki was practically an open book that his husband had memorized by heart. "Yeah. It was... bad." A shiver ripped down his spine as he felt familiar fingers slowly dragging themselves over the brand on the back of his neck.

"Was it about this?" he questioned without stopping.

Wordlessly, Loki nodded. Although most of his past he still kept locked up out of fear, and Stephen respected it, he did have a vague idea. And much of that idea came from the thick red ringed brand of the numbers '4269'. It was discovered only a few weeks into their relationship, as it wasn't exactly in a hidden area, but Loki released bits and pieces of an explanation over the years without pressure from his partner.

From those alone Stephen basically knew that Loki was abandoned by his parents as a baby and handed over to some sort of group or organization that branded him as one of theirs and he only managed to escape very closely to the time that they first met. That was it.

But that was just enough for Stephen to be satisfied and have enough to comfort his husband, while Loki still had enough hidden that he could sleep at night knowing that his husband was still far from the entire truth.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

Honestly he did. Every day he wanted to rant to Stephen about the trauma of his past and just how much they still affected him up to the present. But that came along with the risk of losing him and absolutely everything else, so he kept it all locked down. "Not today, I actually should get to the shop early. I owe Nebula for leaving her with a double shift last time."

Stephen accepted it, but only released one arm from his midsection, first pushing his head over to the side for a sleepy kiss which Loki enthusiastically returned. "Come to me at any time. Okay? I'm not going anywhere."

He could still read him even without knowing everything. "I will. I promise."

With a small smile, Stephen pressed another kiss to the corner of his mouth before reluctantly slipping off of him and flopping back onto the mattress. "I love you Dewdrop."

"I love you too." Loki stood up after one more kiss was shared, snatching up his phone and keys as he quietly made his way out of his bedroom and into the kitchen. There he ate a bit of a leftover bagel and cast nothing but a sideways glance at the mess on the counter, knowing that it was most likely from one of his daughter's midnight stress baking sessions, which she'd clean up once she woke up within the hour for high school. I'll have to talk to her about that, he thought as he plucked his biker jacket off the coat rack and tucked some of his handheld items into the pockets, already pushing the nightmare out to make room for his daughter. Just one reason out of many why he adored his family. As for his daughter, Hela's, problem, he was pretty positive that it was most likely about her upcoming finals, as she was a huge perfectionist that could barely handle getting a B, and her practice tests hadn't been going too well. Stephen had mostly been handling that, since Loki didn't go to any sort of real school, but he figured that maybe giving up a bit of his unorthodox learning strategies as a child could help her. After all, it did eventually lead to him speaking seven languages and knowing just as much (if not more) about medicine than his doctor husband did. Who knows, but he had to try something to stop watching his daughter suffer over her own expectations.

Right before he was about to step out the door and get to his six AM shift a half an hour early, the thoughts of his daughter reminded him that he should check on his children before he left. Many mornings he had opened his kids doors to find out that they never went to sleep in the first place: Hela from either school or YouTube and Thor from his books.

So as quietly as possible he crept up the stairs up to where dim light was seeping in through windows from the early morning sunrise, carefully twisting the knob to his son's room first and pushing it in. There he saw Thor curled up in his bed with his favorite frog stuffie gripped tightly to his chest, the small lullaby that was usually played to help him sleep floating softly through the still air, and his glow and the dark stars on the ceiling shining down on his apparently sleeping form. But Loki was smarter than that.

"Oh alright, I guess Thor is asleep then. Too bad. I guess I can't give him this brand new Frogger game boy then," Loki acted out as he moved farther into the room, doing worse at holding down his smile than his own fidgeting son. "Maybe I should just donate it since he's not awake to take it." Based on his little facial expression alone, he was having a little battle with himself.

But, eventually and inevitably, the frog side of him won.

"No no, Dad, I'm awake!" he exclaimed. "Just give me it!"

Loki grinned at his victory and kneeled down carefully next to his son's low bed, then peeling back the covers a little more to reveal a dog-eared book with a miniature flashlight both hiding under there. "Another all nighter for... Warrior Cats? Thor, you have school today."

"I'm sorry Dad, I lost track of time. I kept reading and reading and then suddenly I saw the sun start to rise and you were coming in," he hastily explained.

It was hard to be mad at that. But, although Loki had never really followed the notion himself, sleep was very important to everyone--especially growing children. "Okay Thor, but I'm going to need you to give me both the book and the flashlight."

And he did, although not exactly willingly. "Alright, good." Loki slipped the flashlight into his pocket and tucked the book under his arm. "Now I'm going to need you to go to sleep. I know your school starts in three hours and you need to wake up in only two, but any sleep is better than no sleep. Believe me. Can you do that?"

"Fine. I can."

"Good. Now please do, and I'll see you tonight. Okay?" After a nod Loki smiled and kissed his forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too Dad," Thor mumbled as he pulled the covers over him and actually snuggled in that time, casting a little wave as his father stood up and rested the book on the dresser by the door.

Loki mimicked the action before closing the door behind him to let him finally get some sleep. He could only wish his daughter was doing better.

Well... at least she was asleep.

When Loki cracked open her door and peeked in, he stepped in to find her passed out on her desk, her dark brown hair strewn across the textbooks she was on top of that clearly showed what she had been doing before she had fallen unconscious. Once he was close enough to realize the latter he then began removing the most likely uncomfortable volumes and then shut off the light-as quietly as possible of course-before finally draping a blanket over her back. It was all he could do for now, so he then gently shut the door behind him and finally left the house knowing that his family was safe. Sometimes reassurance was necessary. Especially after the flashbacks to when he had no reassurance.

Loki stripped off his jacket and hung it over his arm as soon as he stepped into the heated tattoo parlor, throwing a wave to Nebula where she was bent over some muscled guys tanned back, before he stopped at the main desk to clock in. "Any appointments for the day?" he questioned as Mary signed him in.

As she, Mantis as she was known to her parlor friends, tapped at her computer, Loki looked over the many tattoos lacing up and down her revealed pale arms and internally wondered if they all had a deeper meaning like his own did. He could just ask, perhaps, as that would be a billion times easier than just wondering, but that would possibly lead to questions about his own, which would lead to a lot of fear and possibly a good old anxiety attack. Sounded fun. Oh, she was talking. "Only one, so the rest will be walk-ins. Ayesha should be here by eight with a request for some sort of New York City landscape, whatever that means, but I'm sure she'll explain it better than she did over the phone. It was actually late last night. She might've been drunk." Not the first time it happened. From there only 20% of people then actually showed up. "We'll see if she arrives or not."

"Makes sense. Thanks, Mantis."

She didn't answer. Loki was actually 90% sure that she was asleep right there standing behind the desk. "Mantis?" he repeated, waving his hands over her eyes, suddenly feeling bad for never being able to take the night shift. "You alive?"

With a jerk she seemed to come back to consciousness and make the tattoo artist flinch in the same second. "Oh. Yes. Sorry, I have not slept in 36 hours. Just go settle in until either a walk-in or Ayesha arrives."

Although he wanted to listen he stalled temporarily, wondering if there was anything he could do for her, before just nodding and moving toward the backroom.

Loki hung his coat up after he pushed open the door and immediately went for the day-old coffee pot, as neither him nor any other employee really cared what the drink tasted like as long as they got the fast juice. The fast was the important part. All the contents were emptied into a hopefully clean Snoopy mug that was pretty much known as his before he downed it all. Loki had been working there long enough to know how the mug situation works.

A collective 13 years how long he had been employed at Quill's Tattoos, with a five year gap in between when he had been a house husband to take care of his infant son.

skip to news

To Loki's surprise, Ayesha actually showed up.

"Okay, I vaguely remember making an appointment here last night through a haze of my idiotic drunkenness, and I've always kind of wanted one, so now I'm here," she explained to Mantis in a whisper as Loki leaned against the counter and watched, intrigued by her arrival and her hungover state.

Mantis, just as surprised and amused, nodded and explained the situation back to her and the same soft tone that she had used. It wasn't her first rodeo. "Yes ma'am, you did make an appointment last night in a seemingly extremely intoxicated state. You requested an 8 AM slot with the employee with the most gentle hands. So you'll be with Loki this morning." With a blush of embarrassment Ayesha looked over at Loki as he waved, fighting a snicker at what she had asked for. "I can replay the call to confirm if you'd like."

"No! No, I- I believe it."

"Alright." Mantis scribbled a few things out on a piece of paper before tearing it off and handing it over to Loki. "You'll go with him now. Depending on what you want and if you even know what you want, you'll either finish it today or have to make another appointment in the future."

Ayesha nodded in understanding, lightly fiddling with the strap of her purse as she followed Loki from the reception desk and into the main area of the shop, and then past a curtain of beads into a room with a few collected tables and chairs intended for discussions as well as an option for employees to take their lunch breaks. They quickly found one that they wished to sit down at. "So, do you have an idea of what you'd like? Because if you don't know or don't even have an exact idea, I have some of drawings of my own as well as other designs that I haven't gotten to but can also do myself," Loki began in the same gentle voice as to not hurt her, taking out the book he had under his arm and pushing it across the table to her.

"Okay good because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing," she whispered and quickly cracked open the binder, flipping through the pages and carefully dragging her finger across the laminated pictures and drawings. "But I do know I want it on my bicep."

"Alright, I can start there. See anything you like?"

She flipped a few more pages in silence before she slowly nodded. "This one. I like the style." The drawing she had in mind was a deeply red rose, its overly long stem tied up in itself over and over again, along with jutting thorns that glinted with blood. "Although I'd prefer a different type of flower."

"Oh, that's easy. Just give me a bit to draw up a quick sketch and I'll see what I can do. But what type of flower?" As he anticipated her answer, Loki opened the book a little wider so he could snatch up one of the loose papers at the back to draw on and pulled a pencil from behind his ear.

"Hmm... how about a Narcissus flower? Oh, what's the other name- a daffodil! That one," she responded as she already began to tap at her bicep where she planned for it to go.

Loki immediately got to work. Meanwhile, Ayesha fell silent once more and pulled out her phone, the scribble of his pencil being the only sound that echoed through the empty area. Until about ten minutes had gone by and the client cried out.

"Oh my god!"

"What? I'm not finished but if it's way off from what you were imagining I can change it-"

"No, no," Ayesha interrupted, her eyes locked on the space above him. "I mean... look!"

Loki followed her finger to where she was pointed until he found himself staring at the small TV in the corner of the room, which was currently on mute, but no noise was needed for him to understand what was going on. The picture alone showed him a very familiar face holding a gun to his daughter's head from the perspective of someone who was clearly a hiding student. "I have to go."

"Wait, wh-"

"Talk to Mantis!" he threw over his shoulder as he burst through the beads and eventually out the door, not even bothering to grab his jacket on the way out, just jumping on his bike and taking off. He'd never get that jacket back. He'd probably never go back to his job ever again either. His past had finally reached him, and due to it, there was no way he wasn't going to lose his future along with it.

Loki practically kicked his front door down when he reached it. Thankfully empty, he stormed down the hall and immediately went to his bedroom and opened his and his husband's shared closet. After all clothes were shoved aside in order for him to have access to the blank back wall, Loki pressed his bare palm to the black paint and leaned in, only removing it when he felt the scanner confirm his identity and the hidden door began to open with a small sliding sound. It revealed a 12 by 12 titanium covered secret room covered in weapons, memoriams of his childhood, and most importantly, the world famous outfit that made everyone know his name. The Frost Giant. Flashbacks already started to tear through his mind just at the sight of it. But this wasn't about him. This was about his daughter, and absolutely nothing else. So he grabbed the mask wrapped around the mannequin's head and snapped it on his jaw, doing his best to ignore the shivers that went down his spine. All the bodies he'd dropped were coming back to him. From afar, close up; from world leaders to innocent civilians- all because of him. Just think about her. Just think about her.

Bound at both the wrists and the mouth, all Hela could do was swing her legs and wiggle around in her captor's grip, although clearly to no avail since she had been at it for over 15 minutes. Technically she did accomplish something, as she did manage to annoy her captor. But having a gun pointed at your head and being told to stop otherwise you'd die wasn't really a win. "All of you are recording this right?" he called out to the other students quivering inside their classrooms, phones urgently held up to the window, a chorus of silent nods responding to his question. They were too scared to speak. "And it's on the news?" More nods. "Good. He should be here soon then."

"He's already here."

A click of a gun along with the voice made the man do a 180 on his heel, whipping Hela along with him. She was annoyed before she was screaming at the sight of the new party. "Froosht?" she exclaimed, most likely meaning to say 'Frost'.

Loki's face grew worried at the mention, an expression that was thankfully being hidden by the mask. Frost was his assassin name, short for his full title of 'The Frost Giant', a title that his daughter knew of. She knew his past. She knew his past without even knowing it. "The Collector," he spoke to the man anyway, trying to avoid eye contact with her in fear of recognition. He also lost his accent as an attempt to shield his voice. "It's been a while."

"The Frost Giant. I could say the same. Last time I saw you, you were stealing my daughter."

With a dry chuckle Loki took a step forward. "Perhaps so. But I'm afraid I have to take another female away from you." His chin jerked over to Hela. "The girl. Release her. Or I'll paint the wall with your vital organs."

The Collector laughed as if Loki had just told the funniest joke in the world while his victim looked confused at the assassin with her big gray bambi eyes. The mixture of fear, confusion, and just a slight glimmer of hope inside them cracked Loki's heart. "Oh, no no no no no. You escaped by the skin of your teeth and left a trail of blood behind you last time, there's no way you're getting her any easier than that again," The Collector hissed as he tapped the barrel of his gun to Hela's head. She squirmed and looked pleadingly up at Loki- thankfully not recognizing the 'again' comment. She knew she was looking at an assassin... but she just wanted to get out.

"Why?" Hela was gagged at the mouth, muffling every word, but that one syllable was still clear as day.

Why me? Why you? Why are you doing this? That was what she was asking. But all she got out was 'why?'. The Collector said something before Loki was able to open a mouth that had no words to speak. "Yeah, Frosty, why don't you tell her why you're here? Why are you doing this? Come on, inform the girl," he evilly purred, forcing the girl closer to him with the weapon still pressed against her skull.

Loki of course said nothing about it. "If you don't listen to me I will splatter your brain all over the wall."

"What, like you did to James Barnes?"

"YOU SHUT UP ABOUT BUCKY!" Loki spat in a sudden burst of anger, one that made even The Collector step back in a bit of surprise. But then he grinned at the nerve he had struck. The assassin was not in the fucking mood. So he inhaled sharply, shoved down the trauma and the recollection of his dream, and tightened his grip on the weapon. "Put her down and I won't kill you, does that make fucking sense?"

"No. Wrong. You take off the mask, and I won't kill her." The room froze as every single person's, spare The Collector of course, eye's widened at his deal. He wanted Loki to reveal his identity to the world. After seeing the recording at his work, he already knew he had lost his life (although he was doing a great job at oppressing it), but lost his life in the way that he'd lose his family. But if he took off the mask, then he’d lose not only his family, but the ability to live in the world anymore. Taking off the mask meant death without the freedom of release. "You have 10 seconds." The Collector's smirk was just proof that he knew what he was doing. "And don't try anything tricky; I'll pull the trigger at even the tremble of a finger. So put the gun down, and face the music."

The gun was put down as asked.

"10."

He didn't have a choice, did he?

"9."

Letting his daughter die was worse than anything else that could happen to him.

"8."

For a second he thought about the possibility of disarming him and attempting to get the best out of both really really bad worlds.

"7."

But that was too risky.

"6."

The Collector wasn't lying, he would shoot at the tick of a pinkie, and he had an itchy trigger finger to do so with.

"5."

Lose the mask, or lose his daughter.

"4."

Now that was an easy decision.

"3."

'Easy'.

"2."

Loki would suffer the loss of his husband, and his children, as well as everything in the on-the-grid world that he had ever known-- but they would all live on.

"1."

"Alright!" Loki exclaimed and raised up his hands in defense, his gun having been tucked into the harness being partially shielded by his oversized cargo jacket. "I'm doing it, I'm doing it." After peeling off his right glove Loki's hand reached up to his face and his fingertips grazed the fabric. "But Hela?"

Hela's eyes widened once more. How do you know my name? was what she clearly wanted to say.

"I'll always love you."

Her extreme facial confusion continued until the mask was finally peeled off of his face and she let out a loud gasp. "Dad?!"

More and more gasps echoed into the hallway from the crowded groups of kids that had been eagerly pressed against the glass ever since Loki entered the building, each sound and expression striking the assassin harder and harder- but none more than his daughter's. Her face was filled with such a large amount of pain and betrayal, and all without her saying a word. "I'm so sorry," he whispered as he shoved his mask in his pocket and pulled out his gun once more. "But I did what you asked. We had a deal."

"Okay, okay, you're right. We had a deal. And I'm a man of my word." After the removal of her gag and his grip of her hands, Hela was let free.

But she didn't run. She slowly stepped forward to her father and scrunched her nose, tears clearly building up, and her fists clenching and unclenching at her side. Her mouth opened like she was going to say something. But then she closed it and stormed off behind The Collector.

Of course he was still grinning. "Why do you look so crushed? She's not even your daughter anyway."

Hela stopped walking. "What the hell does he mean?" she slowly questioned, unhurriedly turning back toward the two men.

"Get out of here, Hela, it's not safe."

"What the HELL does he mean!?" she repeated.

The Collector looked back at her and raised an eyebrow. "Go on, Frosty, don't be shy. Tell her how she was the daughter that you stole from me. Tell her how you took her right from her bed. Tell her what you were doing when you took her from her crib."

"Crib?! You had her in a bloody cardboard box!" Loki snapped.

Which was just what The Collector wanted. Proof from the man himself that Hela wasn't his, and was in fact stolen from him. "Tell her how you carried her, while you, bloody and beaten, hid scared to death in an alleyway, waiting there until your current husband found you. Tell her. Tell her who you were that led to all of this." His voice was as slick as a mother fucking snake. Once again, his plan was going perfectly. And that plan was to push Loki into the past.

Loki had been sipping a glass of Rosé wine-both of which he had stolen-in his dark underground hideout in Britain when he got the call. A job of his that he only barely managed to escape from had just ended 30 minutes prior, so as he lowered his glass to the ground next to the pile of blood spattered money he had gained from it, he only pulled out his burner phone with extreme reluctance. To be perfectly honest, he was too tired to take another job. But in the business that he was in, he didn't have a choice. Missing a call or denying a mission, or even just being too rude to one's hirer, could mean at the very least receiving no money for one's work, and at the very most... death. So he answered the call. "What is it?"

"It's The Watchman. I know you just had a job, but this is important."

Oh. Perhaps the day was looking up. "Well if it isn't my favorite boss. What do you have for me now?"

"There's this drug lord, in New York City, who calls himself 'The Collector', and he works in an abandoned warehouse near the water on West Houston Street. As you can predict, I want him dead. I don't care what method you use whether it's obvious there's foul play or you frame it as a suicide, he just needs to have no pulse. You're allowed to take any money or even cocaine (to sell, I know you're clean) from the scene. Only requirement is that there's no witnesses. As for pay from me, I'll leave 10K on the corner of 6th Avenue and West 8th. You know it?"

Although Loki spent most of his time in and around Europe, he had visited America a lot (mostly New York), so he did know what he was talking about. "Yeah, near Bleeker Street, I remember."

"Good. Get it done ASAP."

"On it."

An eight hour flight filled with a lot of vodka and opera music followed. (The former probably shouldn't have happened since he was the one driving the plane. He had already stolen it, he wasn't going to steal a pilot only to kill him as a witness later. Too risky.) But he still successfully made it to New York.

He touched down in Marine Park in the dead of night. Late enough that the city seemed unusually asleep. From there he walked a bit before he stole a motorcycle and continued his journey to the scene of where the crime was to take place. He then stopped about half a mile before he reached the warehouse in order to not make a loud entrance, then walking the rest of the way with a gun in hand and his mask already settled in place, a knife also at his belt in order to silently kill anyone in his path. Guns would warn his victim that he was coming. Sure, sometimes there were random gunshots around, it was America, but he still had to be careful.

By the time he reached the actual building he had slit about two guards throats. Less than usual. There must be more traps inside, Loki thought.

And dear god there were. The classic flour blown down an empty hallway as soon as he silently broke through the door revealed a shit ton of lasers that Loki considered way too overboard for just a popular cocaine dealer, making him consider that this guy was hiding something more than just crack, but as he slipped among the lasers as if it was nothing he brushed it off and just tried to focus on his mission. At least that one seemed to be the worst of the worst, as all other traps just forced him to knock out a few cameras, stab a few more guards, or dodge a few shots. Simple. Well at least until he passed the final door and heard the cry of a baby. It made him stop dead in his tracks.

There was a baby? On all of his missions Loki had never dealt with children since children were never really around the types of people he was sent to kill, either good or bad. Half of his brain wanted to paint it as his imagination and just continue and kill the dealer. But the other half was somehow stronger and forced him to go check it out.

As quietly as possible Loki knelt down on the cement and picked the door's lock, then slipped inside and closed it softly behind him.

It was almost entirely empty. About 12 by eight feet if he had to guess, with floor to ceiling cement that hadn't been cleaned in... ever, and the only object inside being a small cardboard box in the corner. That was where the baby was curled up.

She cried out again as he peered down at her, twisting in her box and whining, with nothing but a diaper and a blood spattered piece of cloth covering her body. Loki winced and gently placed a hand on her forehead. She felt unnaturally warm. Fuck, she has a fever, he swore. "Poor baby, is that bastard coke dealer your father?" he purred gently as his fingers cupped the sides of her body, lifting her up into the air and then cradling her against his body, trying to think of something to do. But nothing really came to mind.

So he just held her close until he heard the click of a gun behind his head.

Loki stayed silent as everything came back up from the pile of dirt which he had buried the memories under. He only escaped by the very skin of his teeth that night, so imagining all of that again with the now heartbroken grown up baby demanding an explanation, he didn't know what to say. He couldn't say anything. But it broke him even more when Hela scoffed, tears slipping down her cheeks, and said 'fuck you, 'Dad'' before storming of once more. The quotations stung. Everything stung. And he didn't even have a physical scar on him yet. "I was an abused child, forced into an organization that I had no business being in with no way to escape except timeless torture, and after I finally escaped it and got to grow my own life, this is what I get. There is no way in hell you're getting out of this alive," Loki hissed, cocking the gun once more and slowly dragging the trigger back with the barrel pointed right between his eyes.

The sliding of tile against metal was occuring as his opponent slowly shook his head, but Loki didn't want to take his eyes off of him just in case. It's not like they'd pose more of a danger that The Collector did. "Oh, Loki. Once again; you're wrong." The click of a gun informed Loki that there was in fact someone behind him. Fun. "I'm going to leave. And my henchmen are going to kill you." More and more footsteps echoed down the hallway as if they were coming. The Collector really had perfect timing, didn't he? "Sound fair?"

Cool steel pressed against the back of Loki's thick tied up hair. And for some reason, that was what made everything flood out of Loki's body. It reminded him of the night he had rescued his daughter. Sadness, anxiety, all of it drained out- and he just saw red. "Completely fair."

Although a little put off by his response, The Collector nodded at him before then turning on his heel, soon disappearing down the hallway. Loki waited a few seconds in silence to make sure before he spoke. "Kids. Close your eyes." His tone, which was calmer than the gentle breeze on a soft summer's day, was scarier than any other tone The Collector had put forward.

His gun dropped to the ground with a clatter and Loki ducked down and kicked back his legs, simultaneously dodging the bullet the henchmen shot out and knocking him down, before he rolled forward and stood up. Then without missing a beat Loki

hahaha fight scene who?

Stephen arrived at the building just as the cops grabbed Loki from where he stood at the front doors of the school, covered in spattered blood and an apathetic expression, soon to be shoved down against the hood of a police car and aggressively handcuffed. "Hey, HEY, get off of him!" Stephen exclaimed as he opened his door and ran over to try to help his husband. But, as expected, he was stopped by police before he could get close enough.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to stay back," the one of the two officers grabbing his arms roughly instructed. "This is a closed crime scene."

"And that's my husband!" Stephen snapped back with a twist that forced both of them to let go, although he was predictably grabbed yet again.

The officers didn't care. "And your husband is an international killer." Stephen snarled. "So stay back or we'll be forced to detain you too."

Knowing him, Stephen would have very well fought back and have been arrested himself. But then he heard a familiar voice shout his name. "Hela!" Stephen broke out of their grip once more and bolted over to his daughter, hugging him tightly against his chest once he was close enough to embrace her. She was sobbing into his shirt. "It's okay darling, we're okay. I promise."

"D-dad, I'm not his. He's not my dad, he st-he stole me! From that fu-*hic*-from that fucking psycho that held me hostage! I'm his daughter," she hissed out in opposition, only pushing away to prove him wrong. "Nothing is okay!"

The words were entirely new information to Stephen. But this wasn't about him, he had to figure it out and comfort his daughter. "Hela, I know you not being Loki's biological daughter after thinking you were for so long can be shocking, especially since you now know that your genes actually belong to such a terrible man, but biology. Means. Nothing. You're my daughter, aren't you?"

Hela slightly twisted, more tears streaming down her cheeks as she nodded.

"And we're not biologically related. Gene's don't mean shit- what matters is that I love you. And Loki loves you, I promise that. I don't care what this new information is, and I don't even entirely understand it, but he loves you. He proved it concretely today by risking everything just to save you. So please, Hela, don't think otherwise no matter what. Okay?"

She was crying even harder, so Stephen pulled her back in and gently rubbed her back as best as possible as she slowly began to soak his shirt.

fuck I'm bad at this

It was past midnight. After seeing the police tape of Loki escaping, picking Thor up from school, and shoving their way through the crowd of reporters in front of their house, the Strange family had been sitting in Hela's locked bedroom with no sound spare the TV playing Spongebob, which no one was paying attention to except for Thor. Stephen and Hela just sat there for hours and thought with only the occasional drift off to a device that they couldn't focus on. "I think most of the press is gone."

"Finally," Hela huffed, tilting her head back until the crown of it was pressed up against the wall. "I hope they don't come back." Both knew very well that they would be.

Thor had fallen asleep around eight from exhaustion. The other two had tried to follow suit, or at least get in a little cat nap, but to no avail. A mind choked with its own thoughts is not a mind that can relax. "Is this what our life is going to be now?" Once again was the silence broken. "Hiding away from the world, from the second hand guilt and shame of all those lives that Dad took almost two decades ago? This isn't our fault, why do we have to do this?"

"Because I married him, Hela." His answer made her look up ."When I married him, I accepted everything about him, even the things that I was unaware of, so I'm going to stick with him." With a sigh, Stephen pushed up from his position and went to sit next to his daughter across the room. "I never told you this before, since there was really no reason to, but there were a lot of red flags before we got together. Remember how I told you that we first met when I found him injured in an alleyway with you and then brought both of you to the hospital?" She nodded, so he continued. "Well, the story's a bit watered down. Yes, I did technically find him injured in an alleyway with you, but he had been stabbed at least 13 times, and shot once, and was practically bleeding all over the place when I reached him. That was the first red flag. The second one was when he was being examined at the hospital while being patched up. There they found traces of cocaine on his fingers, random wads of a lot of cash stuffed into his pockets, and, weirdest of all, that neither his fingerprint or dental records were in the system. And then the third one I just recognized from our talks in the hospital. We had good chemistry so we had a good conversation, but things still seemed... off. Like he hadn't had any genuine human interaction in a few years. And with all that in mind, when we met up again a year later, I still asked him out. I accepted and dealt with his faults before we even started dating, so I'm certainly not about to stop now. He's my husband and I love him. And he's your dad. That doesn't mean I expect you to be suddenly okay with all the deaths and all this new infamousness, but he is your dad, and he's never treated us wrong."

By the time he stopped Hela had tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks. "He has never treated us wrong. It just makes it so much more unbelievable that he's committed such... atrocities." Hela turned her whole body to her father as she tucked her hair behind both ears as she normally did when she thought. "Besides those red flags, have there been any more that directly pointed to 'assassin' that you now realize you ignored? Or no?"

Stephen turned toward her as well. "A few, maybe. Nothing that now makes me think 'holy shit I should have known he was an assassin', but things that make me think 'maybe I should have paid a little more attention'. (Not that I would have done anything about it if I somehow figured it out.) The nightmares that he refused to talk about, being handed over to some 'group' as a baby, the brand on the back of his neck, all the tattoos all over his body connected to people that he shied away from-"

An unfamiliar creaking noise stopped the father in his tracks. Even though his daughter somehow didn't hear it. "What? Shied away from what? Do you mean those tattoos are connected to people?"

As politely as possible Stephen told his daughter to stop talking so he could listen to the noises. Maybe he was just on edge and it was just the house settling, but he wanted to make sure. He had a family to protect.

It came again. It was downstairs. It seemed like the sound of a door opening. "Alright, I have to check that out."

"What?? Have you not seen any horror movie ever? Don't investigate, you will die! Plus, you're queer and disabled, according to Hollywood, you'll die first."

"Well I guess it's a good thing we're not in Hollywood then," Stephen whispered as he stood up, softly twisting the doorknob and cracking open the door.

"But you still shouldn't go, it could be like someone looking to get revenge on Da- Dad! Dad!" Hela whisper-shouted from inside the room, swearing lightly as she watched him disappear down the hallway with a softball bat he took from her in hand, before then turning back around to glance at her sleeping brother. Should she stay and protect him or follow her stupid-ass dad? Decisions, decisions...

Stephen had no idea why he had taken the bat. If he hit someone with it he'd no doubt end up hurting himself more than the home invader, therefore making its purpose inadequate, but he had still done it. Maybe because it was just a reflex. Threatened? Grab a weapon for protection. But he wouldn't really be able to protect himself with it.

Skipping all the creaky stairs that he had memorized over the years, Stephen crept down the stairs toward where he had heard the noise come from, his hands trembling a bit more than usual as he did. Like they always did when he was nervous. Past the kitchen and down the hallway, he crept along the wall until he finally discovered what was making the noise.

"This is the correct house, right?" the unknown man questioned the unknown woman next to him, raising up what seemed to be some sort of scanner and slowly dragging it in front of the walls. "We're going to be in big trouble if we've broken into some poor unsuspecting person's home. We can't afford a 911 call right now, we're already in enough danger just by coming here."

"Yes, yes, I'm sure, Bruce" the woman responded with a fake annoyed tone that made the man snort lightly. "You hacked the system, I tracked the house, we know what we're doing."

"Yeah, but remember Mongolia?"

The woman winced as the man laughed once more. “I'd rather forget Mongolia. Let’s just focus on finding out where Loki is, that’s our first priority.”

“You’re right, Valkyrie, you’re right.”

Having seen enough to take a good guess at who exactly was intruding, Stephen lowered his bat and carefully crept back upstairs to where his children hid. Thankfully Hela was still there and hadn’t followed him out as he feared.

“Good, you’re not dead! Now who’s out there?” she whispered once the door was carefully closed behind him.

“It’s a man and a woman named Bruce and Valkyrie, late thirties to early forties, and with a lot of weapons. But they’re not robbers, they’re not taking anything, they’re looking for Loki. And something about their nonchalant tone tells me that it’s thankfully not in a negative way. But there’s still two unknown armed assassins in our house,” Stephen quickly detailed, the bat handed off to her as he kneeled down. “And, to be perfectly honest, as your father, I have no idea what to do.”

“Well neither of us have really dealt with assassins before. Well... knowingly,” Hela pointed out.

“True, but we should still do something.”

Hela planned to answer with something; maybe a solution of some sort of escape plan, but she closed her mouth when she heard the third step of the stairs creak like it always did. “They’re on their way up.”

The Strange pair froze out of fear of the unknown, any sliver of a plan completely vanishing from their minds at the sound of their approach, making them no better than sitting ducks.

#lower your expections #but i hope you enjoy #its 8446 last time i checked #i deleted a bit so its not 9 anymore but i'll get back there.

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icypantherwrites · 3 years ago

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Just to keep a record, below is the post I made on AO3 on Absent, of which I am deleting today as I don't like having an author's note as a chapter. I just wanted to add here too, I have been so overwhelmed in the best way possible by all of the kind comments -- here on tumblr, on Instagram and especially on AO3 -- and they have meant so much to me. I'll definitely be re-reading all of your kind and supportive words when I need to be reminded of such. Thank you ♥

Quitting fanfiction announcement posted on AO3

Hello everyone,

I have an announcement to make and I've been trying to figure out the best way to post it to my AO3 audience (this went up on my Tumblr and Instagram last week) and given how Absent's final chapter went I figured this was as good a place as any. Please note: this author's note will be deleted on 3-9-22 as I do not believe in having full chapter author's notes and it is not related (entirely) to Absent. So while you can leave a comment here, please know it will be deleted when the chapter is removed.

My announcement is thus: I have made the decision to quit writing fanfiction.

It was not an easy decision, but it has been one a long time in the making and the writing has been on the wall for years and practically graffitied on the past several months. I will always be grateful to the Voltron fandom for restoring my love of writing and pulling me from a very dark place back in 2017 as getting to share my works and hear from everyone in the comments was such a light in my life. Unfortunately, that engagement is just not there anymore and it's made it really difficult for me to continue to post. Posting used to give me a boost, now it drains me. I have to spend days, sometimes weeks, summoning up the energy to post an update or a new story and then when people don't show up it hurts. I spend a lot of time, pour a lot of heart and soul, into my works and as anyone who has ever spent a lot of time on something for it not to be appreciated the way you hoped it really, really sucks. I've tried so many ways to keep going: taking hiatuses (planned and unplanned), posting on a schedule, posting not on a schedule, hosting events and games, giving how-to guides on how to comment, telling myself not to ask for any engagement at all and leave it blank... but it has come to the point where the only solution I see to help my mental health is to quit writing. And so that is what I am needing to do.

I understand that Voltron especially is a dying fandom and I have come to terms that things will never be what they once were back in its heyday. I get that. There are less people reading in my niche -- whump and gen content -- and that's okay. It stinks, but it's understandable. But what isn't and what really hurts is when I see so many hits and subscriptions and kudos on my works but those people do not engage. Take Absent here for example. It has over 700 kudos which means 700 individual people clicked this story and liked it enough to keep reading. It had over 180 subscriptions (down a bit since the story finished on Saturday) which means that's at minimum 180 people who were getting alerts for this story in particular not to mention the over 1,500 people on my author subscriptions, of which I'd like to hope maybe half of those are active. This story has over 170 bookmarks (about half of those are private) which means over 170 people loved this story enough to save it to go back to. But what it doesn't have? Engagement. The last chapter I posted got just over 20 people popping in. When I just listed that easily over 700 persons had at one point been reading this. Where did those people go? Did they hate the ending? Does my writing suck that much? I've had a lot of doubts to that latter as the engagement has dwindled, as I'm told how much people loved my stories like Sin and Color and Hope but no one ever shares a story written in the last year, let alone two or three. Obviously in Color and Sin's cases they are longer stories, but length should not necessarily mean quality. It just makes me feel crappy about my works that I used to take such pride in.

I try not to make a big deal out of this, but I have depression and it has been getting worse and worse. It's actually why I avoid writing stories with that theme as they hit a little too close to home, but I took a chance with Absent and seeing the earlier support it got was personally so healing. Which then made it even harder when the last couple chapters, which were my favorites as we got to finally see the healing and support and open communication, didn't have a lot of people showing up, especially the last chapter. Back in the day the final chapter of a story was where everyone showed up. Not anymore. And that is one thing I am really, really struggling with.

What I've never understood is why engagement is so difficult. I was raised to always say thank you, to show appreciation for even small things. It doesn't have to be a long comment, doesn't have to be a book excerpt. It's just nice to know that people are here. It's nice to see them. To know that my time and effort and hopefully a little talent was enjoyed and appreciated. 95% of readers tend to leave a comment immediately after reading if they are going to leave one, but there's nothing that says you can't come back later if you don't have time then. But if you made the time to read I struggle to understand how there is no time left to engage, even with a few words or a sentence.

I'm not trying to make this just about comment engagement. I'm going through a lot of personal stuff too but where fanfiction always made me feel better and it was my light in the dark, it has become a blackhole to me and just sucks out what energy I have. I've really tried to keep writing and posting and sharing my work because I know in the past it has resonated with people. I know it's helped. I know it can be an escape.

But it's not mine anymore.

I am going to continue posting the works I have already written (over 350,000 words saved in my Google Drive) for as long as I can because I do want people to be able to read and enjoy those works that I put so much love into. I'll hopefully, if I'm able, be posting well into 2023 just given the sheer build up of stories, but I cannot promise anything. My hope is just if you do pop in, if you do read something, please, engage. Leave a comment (if you were reading Absent feel free to go back to the final chapter and give the story a little love). Share a thought. Be a light, a star, in my life. Help build others up rather than tear them down, of which if the only thing you have to say to this post is unwanted criticism of myself please, keep it to yourself. I am really struggling mentally right now and I do not need negativity in my life.

Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for reading this wall of text. I hope to see you around AO3, perhaps my other platforms. Stay safe, stay well, and take care ♥

Icy

Announcement: IcyPanther is Quitting Fanfiction

I had planned to make this announcement a little later, but with some current things ongoing I figured I may as well do it now.

As the title says, I am officially quitting fanfiction (and writing). I made this announcement to my Patreon back in January and they very kindly kept it internal as requested. There's a bit of a process to this, but following filling commissions slots this month on my Patreon I will no longer be writing any new fanfictions, save for those Patreon supporters who monthly get custom content written for them based on their tiers.

I'll be writing those smaller custom fics through "Phase 2" of my quitting of fanfiction, which will be ongoing until the Patreon exclusive Mer!Lance fic titled Bottled Ocean finishes publishing (it will first publish in April 2022 and while not yet completed should be wrapping up ~October 2022, possibly a month or two longer) and then I will officially be done with writing.

I still obviously have a lot to publish as I've got over 350,000 words of written content in my Google drive (and more still to come as I have some commissions I still have to write), so for as long as my mental health permits I'll be posting it on AO3 and also on my Patreon, which will be transitioning to a full early release model. Just as an FYI, at the very end of Phase 2 I will be locking my Patreon so anyone new joining will not have access to my over three years worth of Patreon exclusive content unless they pay for one particular tier with a pricetag to match what they'd gain access to. Two new tiers will be created to offer financial support and be granted the bonus of early release content, but my Patreon archive will essentially be locked save for that one access tier.

I doubt very many people are even going to see this announcement given recent Tumblr reach and of those very few are going to care. But I've always striven for transparency and given that I've been in this VLD fandom for just about 4 years now wanted to give a heads up. To be honest, most of you won't even realize anything has changed as I'll still be updating, possibly with even more frequency to award early release bonuses on the Patreon, until I stop and even then, given how my hiatuses these past couple years have gone unnoticed, probably not notice even when those updates cease.

I had a lot of fun and I'll always be grateful for what the return for writing and this fandom's enthusiasm and engagement meant to me. It brought me out of a dark place and kept me here. But, unfortunately, what was once stars has become a black hole and it is sucking the life right back out of me again. I've struggled so hard to make it work, but I have to finally do what's best for me and that is quitting writing and leaving this fandom as there's no future for me in writing and I can't keep wishing on stars for one.

Again, y'all won't really notice anything different for a long while if you're just active on my AO3 and if you're on my Patreon you've already been briefed on how the changes will be coming down the pipeline. I'll do my best to make it as smooth as possible.

Take care,

Icy

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wizard-in-olympus · 7 years ago

Note

1 - 102 and if you answer them all i'll do the same.. thats the deal

its a deal then

this is gonna be long

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

it was mydad so, yeah

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

im 18, so obviously i would

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

when i left college, 5 months ago. i’ll be back next semester

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i’ve done it, what’s the big deal?

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i dont think she knows and i dont think she’d even care

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

yeah andit was awful

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

i’ve heard that line right there too many times, you sound like a 15 yearold trying to get nudes. anyways, im wearing blue pjs

8. How often do you listen to music?

on long rides, while studying, while doing chores, while reading, whilewasting my time on social media. so, most of the time i guess

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015?

ok its 2017 already but im gonna change it to “...change dramaticallybefore 2018?″. not so much, it has changed a lot in a year already

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

social

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

yes, my guy best friend, we were both drunk, shit happens. it kind ofbrought us together as friends hahaha

13. What about ‘R’?

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

thats the only type of vehicle i drive

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

i’d like to say no but yeah, i do. it depends on what people tho

16. Are you going out of town soon?

probably tomorrow. i go “out of town” a lot

17. When was the last time you cried?

i dont remember. about two months ago i think

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah.huge mistake

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

maybe i’d change my eyes from hazel to a deeper green

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

i thinkso

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

i haven’t finished the essay i was gonna present today, now i’ll have topresent it tomorrow

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

i loveit, yesss

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my couch

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

my bestfriend

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

i do

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

mybrother

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

no, i get colds once a year, twice a year tops

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

idk, idc

30. Does anyone hate you?

i thinkso. im sorry

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

no, im asocial drinker

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

hate them

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

hell no

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

either 2014 or 2015. big parts of 2016 too... maybe a little bit of thisone but its been the best year i’ve ever lived since 2013.

35. Did you have a dream last night?

yeah, the seniors in my old high school were 10x better than last yearseniors -when i was a senior- and teachers loved them (teachers hated mygeneration) and they all graduated from IB and had their diplomas linned up inthe hall (i didnt graduated from IB or get the diploma and everyone hated me bci was the only student in my generation that failed and so no one could say“gen16 was a 100% IB generation! the first one in this high school!” bc of me)

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

a coupleof weeks ago

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

i hopenot

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

a couple of people, tiny andd small feelings but i now they do

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

maybe wondering what happened to me, yeah. but probably no one is

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yes, areally good one

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

not a serious one but yeah

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

yeah, lots of girls. but im a girl and i like boys so who cares if ihang out with a girl

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yes and lots of times and they did lose me. i just couldn’t handle themany longer, my patience couldn’t take it anymore, it had been YEARS of dealingwith the same shit and enough was enough. but i couldn’t break theirheart so i just told them i had changed and left. that probably makes me anasshole but idc

44. What’s the best part about school?

meeting new people all the time, learning new amazing things and gettingto test them and the late night bar celebrations when we nailed a test

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

of course, why wouldn’t i?

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

i used to do that in 7th grade, not anymore

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yes i wish i could change so many things, so many situations in which idid the wrong thing

48. Were you single over the last summer?

oh yeah and i had never been so happy of being single

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

just a little bit but it has changed A LOT and im grateful for it

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

finishingmy essay...

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

im hating him rn but most of the time i love that guy. stupid guys

52. Are you nice to everyone?

most people. im not nice to one single person but im nice to the rest ofthe human population. fuck that bitch tho

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

i’ve only liked people i didn’t expect to. except one guy probably.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

i’ve never cheated, i think i can last a lifetime without cheating.cheating is a horrible thing to do, i don’t wish it on anybody

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

i used to be very good, lately i suck at it but idc anymore, its ok

56. Do you think you like someone?

kind of

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

yes and i would do it again

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

girls are sketchy, boys are chill. i get along better with guys but theyare also clueless idiots so... some guys

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yes

60. Do you hate anyone?

61. How’s your heart?

confused but healthy and happy like it hasn’t been in years

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

plenty ofthings

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

no and i dont plan on ever doing it

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

the same boring bitches that always have, “”friends”“ and also their stupidparents that care too much about what i do with my life. fuck off

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

i really hope not, not again

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

no, i hate sensitive, dramatic people. if he cries for a good reasonthen ok but i wouldn’t love it, i’d be sad for him too

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my bestfriend from Peru

70. How do you look right now?

ok, butmessy

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

plenty of people (family and friends), im an open book

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes, but it looks like however made this questions cant

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

thought i did, turns out i dont

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yes, a couple of times. always by friends tho

75. Did you wake up cranky?

not today, i had an amazing night of sleep

76. Are you a jealous person?

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

yes yes yes, SO WORTH IT. you just have to find the right person

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not rn

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

more like craving to see him. fuck my life

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

turn in this stupid essay i’ve mentioned twice already

81. Last person you cried in front of?

bestfriend

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

yeah

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

a littlebit

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

probably taking a walk and talking and staring at his beautiful smile

85. Are you over your past?

most of it. the latest “past” is still haunting me but im getting overit slowly

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

not morethan physical attraction

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

three tofour people

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

if i had one i could answer this. i think i kind of did and i wouldn’taccept it

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

what do you want??, what is the matter with you??, what on earth are youdoing here?? FUCK OFF.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

yes

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

i live in Costa Rica, im latina. guys here have names like “Jose, JuanPablo, Andres, Gerardo, Alonso”, not “Matthew, James”. so of course i haven’t

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

no and i lived the single life at its finest

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

he’s a fucking model for fuck’s sakes, he’s a GOD. he’s so hot. why am ifriends with him?? itcomplicates everything

97. Who do you have texts from?

my best friends, my guy friends, my family group chat, my girl friendsgroup chats, my crush

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

thats great, and do you think she likes you? hey good luck! *pretends idont have feelings and keeps on being a good friends*

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

the first person i ever kissed was a year older than me

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

ok in my tumblr icon im with my best friend, in my whatsapp, twitter andfacebook profile pictures im alone

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

done! that took me like an hour damn... sorry to the people who’s dashboard i interrupted with this post

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