#i couldn't include everything but it tried to show the progression

[iamacolor]

Bogeol looking at Mokha since their reunion - for @lenteur

CASTAWAY DIVA (EP. 1-8) + bonus

[natriae]

Dad!haikyuu is everything! I imagine Omi being your fake date to a family gathering and he swoons at your interaction with the kids until an auntie shoves a baby in his arms and he’s like UHHHHH 🧍🏻”don’tcrushthisbaby don’tcrushthisbaby” And now everyone including yourself can’t take their eyes off him 😭😭😭😭

STOP I LOVE THIS

warnings: fake dating, fluff, cue flustered kiyoomi

One month ago Sakusa Kiyoomi took you aside during one of your usual hangouts with Atsumu to ask if you could pretend to be his girlfriend. Your brain told you over and over that this is a terrible idea, but you couldn't help yourself and said yes. Plus, it was one night at his mom's house. You already knew his family it wouldn't be to shocking to see you by Kiyoomi's side.

That's the thing. Your heart strings started to be pulled on the moment the two of you walked through the door and Kiyoomi let out a short, quiet "we're dating now." His mom's only response was to pull you into a hug and explain how she's been waiting forever for this. After greeting the two of you she told everyone the good news.

You felt terribly guilty for lying to her but Sakusa seemed unbothered. Maybe you were just being dramatic about the whole situation.

Somehow mid-way through the night you ended up spending most of your time with Kiyoomi's sister's kids. She was your favorite Sakusa. She also was the only one who knew you had a crush on her brother since middle school. She would help you get pretty for him, but it never worked. She claimed it did, but you never saw any progress. You and the children were in the basement playing with toys while a random kids TV show played in the background. The characters would sing and save the day successfully holding the attention of the youngest Sakusa. She isn't even one yet, but she has the whole family whipped except Kiyoomi of course. For some reason he tries to stay away from her leading you to never actually meeting the little one til today. She was adorable. She'd bounce her arms up and down while babbling to the song. In front of you was her older brother, and Kiyoomi's first nephew. He had toy trucks and a few random characters from animes you know and some you don't. You were helping zoom the cars around the basement, crawling on your knees still you looked up to see Kiyoomi has finally decided to spend time with you. You could have swore you saw his lip twitch before he stepped pass you and sat on the couch switching the TV channel.

Kaia, the youngest, immediately started crying when she couldn't hear the joy of a few cartoon pups saving the day. Quickly you ran over to her picking her up to help calm her down. You lightly bounced her on your hip while giving small shushes to the baby. You walked away from Kiyoomi because your pretty convinced by his actions that he doesn't like children. Which tears a bit of you heart knowing that you always imagined what having kids with him would be like. What a great dad he would be, but that's all in your imagination. The little girl begins to quiet down as you lift her up so she can stuff her head into your neck.

From across the room Kiyoomi watches you calm the baby with a red face. How are you so good at this? He's never seen you with a baby and from what he knows your not an aunt of any sort, unless you count Atsumu's dogs. He finally lets out a small smile as he watches you bring the baby up so she can snuggle into your neck, but as if the gods are against him. You turn around to see him watching you, and you tell the baby with a slight smirk, "baby I think your uncle Kiy wants to apologize," you walk over still holding the baby like a natural. Finally setting her down to crawl over to him on the couch. The older man trys to hold the baby like a puppy. He's never done this before and he's never felt embarrassed in his life. You giggle softly at his nervous face and tell him, "Kiyoomi that's not how you hold a baby," he can barely focus on your words when your giggles are enough for him to worship the group you walk on. He swears he enters heaven the moment he hears that sound. "it's good that your holding her butt but i think she wants to be facing you," You say as you scoot closer and reach to try and show him the proper way.

Kiyoomi leaned back on the couch and attempted to correctly hold the baby on his chest. One hand on her back and the other holding her butt up. As if Kiyoomi was a sleeping pill the little girl immediately closed her eyes and fell asleep on the tall man. "see it's not hard. Do you wanna take her to her momma? She seems sleepy," you said with small smile on your face. Not forgetting the little boy playing behind the couch you glanced over to make sure he was okay. God, Kiyoomi could help but want to ask if you wanted to be a mom right now.

Unmoving Kiyoomi stiffly shakes his head no at the though of having to hold this baby while moving. You srunch your eyebrows together in thought trying to understand why he's so stiff. noticing your confusion he squeaks out, "What if I break her?" and at first you thought he was joking but there was genuine panic in his features. He thought he was this cool collected guy, but you could honestly read him like a book.

"i'll be right here, okay? You're not going to break her," You nodded your head while you spoke to him in the calmest voice you could muster. Slowly he stood up and you redirected his hand so that it held up some of her head too along with her back. "you need to keep her head up. Baby's head's are weak," he nodded his head at your words like they were the gospel. Anything you said he would take it as the truth. If you said it, it was right. Cautiously walking up the steps to the family room. His whole family seems shocked to see the large man holding such a delicate baby. He takes a deep breath while he tries to pass the sleeping girl to his sister.

"whoa, what did you do to her? She never sleeps this heavy." His sister said in shock, "Kiyoomi you need to hold her more often," she continued. Then did you finally take in how red his face was. He was so flustered it was adorable. Quickly you took your phone out and snapped a picture of the boy without his knowledge.

bonus:

It was late and about everyone at the gathering had left except for Kiyoomi's immediate family. The baby girl was back in your and Kiyoomi's lap trying to decide who she wants to get attention from. You and Kiyoomi were shoulder to shoulder and at one point he brought his arm over to hold you even closer. After falling a few times on Kiyoomi and then gripping his shirt like a life line the little girl turned and crawled into your lap. You let a small Ha at Kiyoomi for her ultimately choosing you, but you take it back once the little girl tried pulling the top of you dress down to get to your boob. Kiyoomi quickly grabs the little girl and she starts crying sad that she didn't get fed. If you heard correctly you swore you heard him tell the little one that you would have milk soon but not now.

[violetasteracademic]

I feel like not enough people have actually sat down and read this article, in order, in its entirety, and fully comprehend the development of this (thoroughly planned and staged ) conversation:

Take a look at those paragraphs. Then read them again. One more time for posterity.

Often times with fated mates, the bonds are intense. Metaphorical. Poetic.

But other times- there are no metaphors. The connection seemingly random.

It's after this addressing that not all mating bonds are poetic, thematic, and some are lacking in literary metaphor and meaningful connection, Sarah explains that sometimes she plans for characters to be together and then she literally cannot force them to be together.

Right now there is actually only one mating bond that even remotely fits the category random, anti-thematic, and lacking literary metaphor connecting the two characters together. There is no power. There is no poetry. Only randomness. And Sarah admits sometimes her plans literally cannot be seen through because of chemistry issues. Lol. Guys.

People who say this could be about Azriel and Elain are completely missing the fact that this entire conversation is about mating bonds. And if you think Azriel and Elain are lacking in a connection of power (even though Azriel is the one who discovered her power while her mate couldn't) or theme (even though the amount of themes actually tying Elain and Azriel together in the books is insane) that is literally irrelevant- because this conversation is about some mating bonds being random and lacking literary theme and deep connection, not just any potential romantic pairings.

Read it again. Then again. Aaaaaaand once more, with feeling.

Leaving the photo of Josh and Sarah here so you can see I'm not cutting or rearranging the interview to create my own context- this is where the conversation develops from there:

It's magic in a way how the characters guide the story no matter how many years in advance she tries to plot. The characters (not the strict decisions of the mating bond) guide the story and wind up with the people that offer them the most growth and joy.

Lol. Guys.

Meanwhile, in Az and Elain land in the books following Elain and L/ucien's mating bond reveal:

Elain and L/ucien in the books following the mating bond reveal:

And now here is the next part of the interview- again I have not cut or rearranged or done anything but snap screenshots in order to show the progression of the conversation. We were talking about the use of mating bonds in Sarah's story in everything leading up until now, and we are still talking about it:

After revealing that sometimes her best laid plans don't work out the way she thought, and even she, the author, actually can't control who is right for whom no matter what her intentions were, she shares that her musings on "fated mates" are not set in stone. In fact, she finds the question and ideas interesting. This is all one continuous conversation about fated mates specifically, not about her relationships or love interests in general. The only idea that Az and Elain are relevant to is: What if I was put with the wrong person?

Let me tell you, if an author considers an idea interesting, something that offers a wealth of ideas to explore, and then rattles off about all of the implications and things she finds interesting about it... Babe. She is already writing about it.

SJM has not hidden in recent interviews (including her most recent), that the promise of a happily ever after is why she is a romance author:

She speaks openly about the reassurance of romance. We all love romance for this. We know that the characters are going to end up together, no matter how difficult their journey is along the way.

However, when it comes to mates, she did not confirm she is a "fated mates" author because of the comfort. She did not say that part of what she likes about fated mates is that you know fate can never be wrong and therefore there is trust and reassurance in the process. In fact, what she said was she finds the concept of agency and choice interesting. She muses on how much there is to be explored about agency and free-will after the interviewer said if God put her with the wrong person, that's none of her business. The conversation of an imperfect process is one that a lot of readers find interesting, and SJM has shut down wacky ideas (like Bryce and Hunt not really being mates) in the past. But here, she not only welcomes the conversation, but expands on everything that fascinates her about it.

This is not a woman who will only have her characters ending up with their mates. In fact, she's been building a massive question over it for years.

Meanwhile, in the books:

Free will. Agency. An imperfect system of matching.

Babes. This is all about Elain and L/ucien. Absolutely no one else.

If you cling to their relationship because SJM is a fated mates author and therefore they have to be together, I fear Sarah J. Maas may not be the author for you. She does not believe that the decisions made even by her about who will wind up together are set in stone. She is the one interested in exploring the concept of fate and free will. We did not invent this. She has never once described why she likes the fated mate trope and therefore exclusively uses it, only why she likes stories about romance and love conquering all.

I promise you, it's okay to subvert tropes. In fact, it's fun. It's hot. It's interesting.

The fact that Sarah still has a wealth of ideas to explore regarding mates and fate after years of telling the same story over and over is, frankly, so exciting. To us. To her. To journalists.

She has not come out here once and stood behind fated mates as a non-negotiable trope with her full chest, be it in the actual books that she writes or the conversations she has in interviews. We've been on this journey of questioning fate, Cauldrons, and learning the consequences of the mistakes made for years.

And it's gonna be sooo goooood.

[prideprejudce]

I just watched the godfather trilogy for the first time & I swear this isn't bait but I was wondering if you had any opinions about the women in the movie(s)? I don't want to be like "these movies are sexist/misogynistic" but I also wonder if there's something to be said about how the women are portrayed? Like personally I thought there was an added layer of tragedy, in the second movie especially when Michael struggles with his dad's legacy & he goes to his mom for advice but she offers so little & then dies like man... what if there was more of her perspective... was it intentionally done, that by ignoring or dismissing the women in these men's lives it contributed to the uh, tragedy of it all? Especially with Kay, how her character progresses in the first two movies & the choices she makes. Or if it's just what women are "reduced" to in these types of stories & it's just me (maybe missing the point as well) that saw it as an addition to the other tragedies/losses?

I think it would be unfair to simply label these films as "sexist" when they reflect the period that it was set in extremely well. It would be like saying that Pride and Prejudice was sexist because it was set in a time when women couldn't inherit their family's land and titles. Well duh, it was a sexist society! That's why it's so fascinating to watch this family scramble to find husbands for their daughters while the second eldest rebels against her gender constraints!

Actually, for a movie that mostly surrounds men, there are a lot of dynamic female characters in The Godfather with actual depth and character development. Coppola doesn't make his female characters' background accessories with blank faces and no personality. They are dynamic human beings with their own sorrows and desires. Even the most minor characters like Sandra (Sonny's wife) get a scene where it's made extremely apparent that she knows that Sonny cheats on her frequently and that she has a lot of built-up resentment in their marriage for it.

The movie also has a lot to say about traditional gender roles and how it provided some women with protected lives behind their husband's achievements while forcing other women into a cage of miserable submission to their husbands. On one hand, we have Carmela, the matriarch of the family who is the traditional wife and mother figure. She seems to have had the luckiest marriage out of the bunch because even though she was in a traditional marriage, her husband respected her and loved her. However she also willingly ignored the reality that Vito built a criminal empire and therefore doesn't really understand Michael's internal struggle with his father's legacy and losing his own humanity. She kept herself at arm's length to the criminal side her whole life and therefore doesn't understand how someone can lose their humanity or their family. In her era, family was EVERYTHING no matter what your husband is or does.

On the other hand, there is Connie, who is married off to a wannabe gangster who viciously abuses and cheats on her. And even though she's the Don's daughter, nothing is done to protect her from her abusive spouse. Why? because also in that period, women essentially belonged to their husbands. Even Carmela quickly reminds Sonny to not interfere with their marriage because it's no one else's business. Connie is trapped in her own personal hell built by a society that restricts women in their own households, which Coppola shows the consequences of (RIP Sonny)

And then there's Kay - the essential "Modern American Woman" who is thrown into this chaos world when doom and gloom savior son Michael makes her his wife. Unlike the other female characters (including Apollonia as her character foil), Kay cannot look away from Michael's criminal life like a wife is taught to. Kay was not raised as a traditional Sicilian housewife. She tries to be one for years, but she can only stomach this world for so long before she actively turns her back on it and ends her "role" in it by aborting her child and divorcing Michael. She can almost represent how modern feminism slowly began seeping its way into society where women no longer have zero agency over their lives and bodies. Instead of continuing to get pregnant like the dutiful wife for Michael to get his next son, Kay eventually said F That I'm done bringing more kids into this nightmare

The Godfather series as a whole is about change. New Dons replacing the old ones. Power shifting inside a family. Sons getting stepped over for other sons. Selling illegal liquor and gambling to selling drugs. Trying (and failing) to make an illegal business into a legitimate one. The change in women and their roles in that world also changes too which is why I like the film so much. It speaks on so many layers of society and how it grows and changes

[sejianismodding]

☠️ REMINDER: Double-check the OP for updates!

[EP16] CAS Overrides for Lovestruck + 7 Addons - The End is Nigh!

🙀 8/14/2024 - There's a texture issue with some of my Addons in Live. I'll sort it out and push an update after I initial release AXGW.

⚔️ Requires TS4: Lovestruck Expansion Pack

🚀 Initial Release - 8/1/2024

🔄 Update 8/8/2024 - [✔️] I'm afraid to say EAxis will likely never fix CAS properly, so don't hold your breath. This isn't a new thing. It's been a problem for 10 years.

🎁 SFS - http://www.simfileshare.net/download/4832424/

🎁 CF - https://www.curseforge.com/sims4/mods/cas-overrides-for-ep16-lovestruck

✒️ CAS is a mess. All of CAS is a mess. Every content release is a mess of wrong PartFlags that primarily affect transframe sims but also affect cisframe female and male sims. Ever noticed distortions on your clothing? That's cause you're wearing the wrong frame item because EAxis tagged it incorrectly or tagged something made with the male frame for female sims or vice versa because they couldn't be arsed to make two items.

🥂 This is the first major release under the new Endgame moniker. It feels good to be back. I will update all previous CAS Overrides but coming next is my initial release for AnimXGenWear and I'm hella excited!

🗺️ Progress & Discussions Post: https://www.patreon.com/posts/108830917

💎 The Endgame Master Post: https://www.patreon.com/posts/106702719

🗺️ Modding Announcements Post: https://www.patreon.com/posts/109291501

💬 The very last image was edited to include the female and male icons for my CF thumbnail to give a simplistic visual representation of what to expect with this mod. I'm considering doing an actual in-game overlay.

🙀 I forgot to say what this does! In these DLC overrides that I do, I try to fix everything I find that needs fixing if I can fix it. If I can't fix it, I add a note for it in my big Endgame master post on Patreon for future tinkering. The fixes include but are not limited to, incorrect PartFlags, missing PartFlags, mesh errors, busted texture maps, removing Randomization from Accessories, Hats, Makeup, Skin Details, Tattoos, etc. AKA all the things that give us ridiculous-looking townies - it has evolved from just fixing the incorrect Restrict Opposite PartFlags that screw with transframe sims, to fixing everything. It needs a more detailed explanation, but for now, this should give you a fair enough idea what to expect. The main thing to note is that clothing no longer follows any real-world gender-stereotype nonsense. If it's made with the female frame it will show under the Feminine Fashion / Clothing filter and if it's made with the male frame it will show under the Masculine Fashion / Clothing filter. All clothing items are unrestricted, so you can choose to wear whatever you want. Use the appropriate filter or both or none. Makes sense? With heterosexual cis male sims in mind, I removed Randomization from "traditionally feminine" clothing, meaning you'll see dresses and skirts under the Masculine filter, but they won't randomize onto every male sim in the game. I'm gender-nonconforming so I don't care but I understand some simmers might so I've tried to configure this as inclusive as I can for everyone. This is what The Endgame is - it's CAS the way it should have been shipped. Not the mess that it currently is.

[impossiblepackage]

say, i heard you reblog a post about role playing games. do you happen to know of any ones that i, a beginner, could feasibly get into in this day and age? i tried DnD but a combination of not having anybody to play with (whether irl or online) and a dissatisfaction with low level boringness kind of made it fizzle out for me

oh hey an ask from 3 months ago that I didn't even see. hi.

ANYWAY. First things first, i cannot recommend @theresattrpgforthat enough. Ain't nobody better at recommending rpgs than that blog right there. Now, on to my thoughts.

If you want a DnD-like rpg, Pathfinder 2nd Edition is gonna be my first recommendation. It's harder to find games for on account of being significantly less popular than dnd5e but it's probably the 2nd most popular game. It's also completely free, with everything being hosted on https://2e.aonprd.com/. It's got everything except adventures, those ya gotta buy. For the next 10 days, there's a humble bundle that includes PDFs of lots of the pre-remaster legacy books, and includes a couple adventures, including a whole adventure path going from level 1 to 20. As a whole, the game is different to dnd but it's recognizable. Big fan myself, and paizo isn't a bunch of pricks. The setting is also super gay. There's a potion of trans your gender, and one of the main religions in the world is the worship of 3 gods in lesbian polycule.

Ironsworn: probably my favorite RPG, period. (also has a space version, that works the same way). It is narrative focused, and designed for solo play or in groups with no GM. Works just as well by yourself, as a duo, in a small group, or in a traditional way with a few players and a GM. It's structured around it's vow system. Your character makes a vow, you decide how difficult that vow should be to accomplish, and as you do things that advance it, you mark progress. Eventually, you make a roll to try and fulfill the vow, with the difficulty determined by how much progress you've made. If you fail that roll, it's bad. Cool thing is that just about everything works that way. Undertaking a journey, delving a dungeon, fighting a dude, it's all handled with the same system. It's a game about perseverance and struggle and relationships, both with people and with places. also very fun to play for writing practice. It's mechanics are rooted in it's setting, but there's no reason you couldn't play it in basically any setting. the youtube channel Me, Myself, And Die is, essentially, Critical Role But It's Solo RPGs, and he did a great season where he played Ironsworn, check it out. Also, Basement Fort on youtube did a duo playthrough. I've only seen the first episode but it seems like a fun watch, as well as showing off duo gameplay.

the Witcher RPG: i haven't played this myself or even looked at the books yet, but everything I've heard about this game has me super excited about it. the general consesus seems to be "yo this is wayyyy better than I thought it would be, why aren't more people playing this, what the fuck". If somebody more familiar wants to talk about it, that'd be dope.

gonna ramble about the rest much less, LIGHTNING ROUND OF RECOMMENDATIONS

Dungeon World: same genre as dnd, but much less crunchy gameplay. Much easier to learn.

Kids On Bikes: it's Stranger Things but as a ttrpg.

Call of Cthulhu: get spooky, idiot. The players are investigators unraveling some mystery or another, and trying to keep their sanity in the face of some cosmic bullshit.

Lancer: it's about mechs! closer to anime-style mechs than battletech style, from what I can tell. I've heard good things.

Vampire: The Masquerade: you will NEVER guess what this is about. It's a classic, it's great, it pretty much redefined the way I think vampires should work. The new version of Werewolf: The Apocalypse is coming soon, and I'm real hyped for that, too.

Shadow Of The Demon Lord: my understanding is that this game is basically "DnD 5e, but good".

[sunshineblondiewrites]

The First of Us - Chapter 1

My sister tried to eat me

Joel Miller x f!reader (no use of y/n)

Series summary: you and your father meet Joel and Tommy 6 years after outbreak day. You join their group trying to make it to the Boston QZ not realizing all that joining would entail. You eventually make it to the QZ but not without suffering many losses. Tommy decides to join the Fireflies and you and Joel are left with your smuggling partner, Tess, when years later you meet a teenage girl that will bring you and Joel across the country, and maybe together.

Summary: You're 14 years old on September 29th, 2003 living in a small village in Kentucky with your parents and little sister on a farm. You couldn't have imagined how the day would go and the people you would meet 6 years later.

Warnings: death, outbreak day, friends to lovers, reader has a sister, minor physical descriptions of reader, grieving, FFM threeway (does not include reader, cannon typical violence(if I miss any please lmk)

a/n: this is my first fic! I'm super excited and also super nervous... the first three chapters are backstory and then chapter 4 and on will be pretty similar to the show! I wanna say thanks so much to @who-has-my-green-banana for helping me proofread and spellcheck and everything. Hope anyone who reads this, enjoys!

word count 6.2k

Ch2 masterlist

Friday, September 26th, 2003 Hazel, KY

It was a beautiful day. The clouds perfectly covered the sky to make it so that it wasn’t too bright outside but it was still sunny. You still had to walk down your mile-long driveway to the bus stop, so you were able to appreciate the weather every morning. Dad said that as soon as you turned 16 he’d let you drive to school, even though the area you lived in was so small that some parents were letting their kids drive at 15 when they just had their permits, but your dad is a stickler about laws, rules, and safety. He isn’t strict per say, but a protector and chronic worrier. 

The small village of Hazel, Kentucky, where your family farm resided, is home to only 450 people, meaning you had quite the long bus ride to school in the next town over. Hazel is known for its antique malls that dot main street and the “Hazel Day” celebration. Hazel Day was coming up actually and the town was getting ready and getting excited, but no one was more excited than your baby sister, Hazel. Your parents named your sister after the village because it was quite literally a community effort to get her into the world. Your mom’s water had broken in the middle of the local market and she somehow managed to progress so fast that there was no time for hospitals and only time for a sweet old woman's 5 minute car ride to her house and Hazel came not long after in an all natural tub birth. You’d never heard your mom scream so much. 

Hazel Elizabeth was born on September 30th, 1995. You were 6 years older. Your parents had tried for a very long time to get pregnant again after you. Your Dad really wanted a boy but after Hazel essentially arrived with a bow already in her hair it was clear that wasn’t happening and you were his only option, so he decided to teach you the ins and outs of farm life in hopes you would either take over one day or marry a man to take over, you couldn’t quite figure out which. That was another thing about the town of Hazel, people frequently got married right out of high school since the town was so small and was so incredibly old fashioned. Your Dad however never let you watch or do any of the butchering, he always said “killing is a man’s job, no woman should have blood on her hands.” But you didn’t care because you frequently named the animals and you slept better not knowing which of your pet chickens was in your mom’s chicken noodle soup. 

When you finally arrived at school and sat at your desk for your first hour, groaning internally when the usual ruckus broke out from the junior boys. They seemed to have no problem that they were still taking sophomore level English. You, however, were taking classes a year ahead. You were something of a smarty pants thanks to your mom’s ever present hand in your education. She worked part-time at one of the antique shops so she was often home to help with your studies or let you out of chores to go read. Her parents couldn't afford college for her so she wanted the best chance for you to get a good scholarship and be able to go. 

“Well aren’t you all extra fidgety today?” Mrs. Charleson said, “But it’s Friday, so pop quiz time to make sure you’re all caught up on the reading.”

Madison smugly raised her hand and you visibly cringed before the smart ass remark you knew she was about to make made its way to the surface. She’s your “neighbor” because her family is the only people who live within 6 miles from your house. “If you give us a pop quiz every Friday, is it even a pop quiz anymore?” She said and the Junior boys giggled. Gross.

“And yet some of you are still surprised,” Mrs. Charleson replied, smiling just as smartly. That made you and many other students laugh, proving why she was without a doubt your favorite teacher.

—

You aced your quiz. When the final bell rang you couldn’t wait to get out of there. Something was just off with everyone today but you couldn’t quite decide what it was. You headed to your locker to grab your snack of raisins and peanuts and then started walking in the direction of the local dress shop where your sister would be getting the final alterations done to her dress for the Hazel Day pageant.

“Hey Hazie!” you shout as you walk in and see your adorable baby sister. Her blonde curls somehow so effortlessly laid across her shoulders.

Hazie shrieks your name in excitement, “Come look at my dress!!” You walk further into the dress shop to see your sister in her Barbie pink pageant gown that you’d guess weighed more than she did soaking wet. It had everything a girl like Hazie could ever dream of, pink ribbons, ruffles, and even lace.

“Well aren’t you just the prettiest princess!” You said giving her a twirl.

“Oh don’t move so much I haven’t taken out the last pin!” Mrs. Vivian said. She was the owner of the dress shop and also the old woman from the market who took your mom to have a baby in her bathtub. She gave your mom a discounted rate for alterations for your sister’s endless pageant dress collection which helped your parents be able to support her pageant dreams. It was still a fucking expensive hobby and your parents definitely had more financial strain because of it, but whatever to make your little Hazie happy. 

Once alterations were done, Mrs. Vivian promised to have it done by October 1st which was 3 days before Hazel Day. “And don’t worry about this round of alterations Lillian, this one’s on me,” Mrs. Vivian said.

“Oh Vivian I couldn’t possibly allow you to do that,” your mother frantically replied. She absolutely hated accepting help from anyone.

“No, no, I insist! It’s a birthday present for our future junior pageant Queen.”

“Well, thank you, could I still at least give you a tip?” Your mother began bargaining. Mrs. Vivian along with everyone else was obsessed with your sister. Disney Princesses may not be real but they came to life in sweet Hazel Elizabeth. She deadass would have squirrels and birds and whatever else following her around, it was bizarre. But you couldn’t deny the fact that the effect of the sweet beacon of innocence and joy your sister had on people affected you too. Hazie was your everything, there’s not a single thing you wouldn’t do to protect her, not that she needed it. She may be pretty and cute, but she had quite the stubborn head on her shoulders.

“Momma can I have one more cookie before we go?” Hazel asked with the biggest doe eyes you ever did see, in what world would your mother ever be able to say no to her?

“You’ve already had two… how about half if you split it with your sister?” Your mother replied. 

“Okay!” Hazel grabbed the chocolate chip raisin cookies Mrs. Vivian had made and split it mostly in half and handed you the other piece. You were still a little hungry, but you’d just had your snack of raisins and decided that your daily tolerance of their texture was up, so you slipped Hazel the half she gave you on your walk back to the car.

“Shh,” you smiled at her, winking and watching her sweet blue eyes brighten at the sight of what would complete her third cookie. You tossed your backpack in the trunk next to Hazel’s homeschool books and popped in the front seat next to your mom. Your parents decided to homeschool your sister when the pageants and travel started affecting her ability to attend school. Plus it was one less thing your parents would have to pay for, so most of Hazel’s school supplies were just your old school supplies. It seemed like your mom kept everything you or Hazel ever touched. 

“Mommy? I feel a little funny.” Hazel piped up from the backseat, interrupting your looking-out-the-window-music-video-vibe you had going on while listening to Beyonce’s newest hit “Crazy in Love.”

“Honestly me too Hazie. Now yours may have to do with the three- yes, three- cookies you ate today. I saw you trying to be sneaky,” your mother glanced at you for a second, “but I think the weather’s changing so it may have something to do with that too.”

“Yeah it’s probably just a bug going around. People were weird today at school too,” you added, trying to ease Hazel’s worries.

“A BUG?? I don’t wanna be sick for my birthday Mommy,” Hazel pouted.

“Oh you won’t, love. It’ll pass, I promise. Do you have any homework today?” 

“No, just a test I need to study for in science.” You saw an opportunity and decided to take it. “So I’m not sure I can go to the pre-banquet tonight.”

“WHAT?” Hazel shouted from the backseat.

“Your sister’s right, the banquet won’t be a good use of her time if she needs to study. She’ll be at the pageant though, don’t worry.” Your mom’s obsession with your studies increased once your parents pulled Hazel from school, so you couldn’t be happier to study for your science test. Sitting in a stuffy room all dressed up eating stale food and surrounded by a bunch of snobby girls and their mothers was not how you wanted to spend your evening. You liked dressing up for church on Sundays and special occasions and you wore a little makeup every day, but you certainly were no pageant girl.

“Gosh it’s already 5:00. Help Hazel get ready will you? We need to leave in 45 minutes if we wanna make it there by 6:20…” your mom got out of the car rambling. If your dad was a chronic worrier your mother was an incessant worrier.

“Come on Hazie, let's get you all dressed up,” you said. You were no makeup artist, but for only being 14 and hardly wearing any makeup, you considered yourself pretty good. It was probably due to having done your sister’s makeup for so long. You may not like doing it very much, but you loved making Hazel happy and this definitely made her happy. 

“Stop jittering so much. I can barely get this eyeliner on straight and you know I’m no good at eyeliner anyway,” you said.

“I’m sorry, I think I’m just cold," your sister said softly. You immediately felt terrible and grabbed a light pink blanket off her bed and draped it over her shoulders.

“Maybe you are getting sick?” You took your hands to her forehead, but she was cold. “Huh no fever, though.” You more or less got her eyeliner on and started to touch up where her natural curls had flattened. Then you pulled the front bits back into a half up half down look and applied just a touch of tinted lip gloss. She may be required to wear makeup for these pageants but you still wanted her to look more like herself. 

“Thank you sissy,” Hazel said and gave you a big hug.

“Of course. And always remember you’re my favorite princess and you’re so so beautiful no matter what anyone says about you,” you said. You’d always been worried about what the effect of pageant life would have on her. You’d seen how deathly skinny some of the older pageant girls are, but you’re just glad Hazel still wants a third cookie.

“HAZEL ELIZABETH WE NEED TO LEAVE!”

“You better go. You know what mom’s like when she thinks she's gonna be late,” you warn your sister.

“I don’t know why she thinks we’re gonna be late, right now we’re still getting there 25 minutes early.”

“Ah, but,” you start.

“Early is on time, on time is late, and late is just unacceptable,” you and Hazel quote your mother perfectly. 

“HAZEL!” Your sister's eyes widen as she gives you a kiss on the cheek and then runs out of her room. You hear your mother shout love and goodbye, but leaves you no time to respond before the door slams and you’re met with silence. 

Just how you like it.

—

When your dad came in from the fields to find you at home, he wasn’t at all surprised, but that did mean you had to help him out with a few final things he wanted to get finished up today. When you tried to fix up something for dinner you realized your mom has been so preoccupied with Hazel and the pageant next weekend that going to the market must have slipped her mind, so you both settled on popcorn for dinner. 

“Now if we’re having popcorn for dinner, we have to watch a movie,” your dad said, shrugging.

“I think you’re right.” You could study for the test later. “What do you wanna watch?”

“Hmmm, how about Harry Potter?”

“Sorcerer's Stone or Chamber of Secrets?”

“Chamber of Secrets for sure. I wanna watch the scene of Hermione as that nightmarish cat” your dad replied. You started searching the DVD cabinet for the movie. “By the way, when’s the third one supposed to come out?”

“Uhhh sometime next summer I think? Ya know, you could just read the books to find out what happens.”

“And spoil the movie?! I would never,” your dad dramatically puts his hand out in front of you, reminding you where Hazel gets all her sass from. You, on the other hand, were more like your mother- empathetic to all, but protective of those you care about. Always a silent watcher and observer, thinking and planning what the correct response or move should be in a situation. It’s why your dad refuses to play board games anymore because either you or your mom would destroy him and Hazel and then it was just a battle between the two of you to see who could outsmart the other. You’d only beaten your mother once. She always seemed to be one step ahead of you. She claims it’s what happens when you become a parent, you’re too mentally prepared for any option to be surprised when something happens. Your dad would always say that’s bullshit because it’s never helped him out, which then turns into your mother scolding him for cursing around Hazel. You work with him in the barn so you’ve heard all the profanities, thanks to his frustrations, so she's not worried about you. She’s under the impression you just filter it out and have the vocabulary of a saint, but in reality you just don’t do it around her and your dad graciously hasn’t told her. 

About thirty minutes into the movie, your dad is passed out on the couch so you head upstairs to study for your test on Monday. Whatever made your teacher decide a test after the weekend was a good idea needs to be reevaluated. You plopped down at your desk, opened your textbook and notes, and began to go through them. You had stayed up late the night before studying the reading for the “pop quiz” you took today so your eyes started drooping a lot faster than you thought they would and before you knew it you had passed out on your desk reading your notes.

—

It was 11:30 when you heard it. A strange, croaking noise coming from down the hall that awoke you from your impromptu nap. You were a little disoriented from falling asleep at your desk. Your desk lamp was off, so you assumed one of your parents had shut it off before they went to bed. You turned the lamp back on and realized you had drooled on your notes. Shit. You had only smudged the ink a little bit and decided they were legible enough before you heard it again. Is there a fucking frog in the house? You tried to reason with your very sleep clouded brain when the croaking got closer and you heard a door creak. You got up from your desk chair to peek out your door and saw a small shadow had appeared in the darkness of the hallway. Assuming she also heard the freaky croaking noises and got scared, you called out to her in a whisper.

“Hazie? Are you okay?”

She tilted her head at you and you heard more croaking.

“Hazie…?” 

She jumped at you, and an inhuman sound came out of her–a shriek or scream or something you couldn’t even begin to describe. Before you knew it she was on you, clawing, snapping her teeth, and scratching. You were quite a bit bigger than her, and Hazel has always been quite small for her age so you could overtake her physically, but the mental hurdle of trying to understand what she was doing was a battle.

“Hazel? Hazie? Hazel? What the hell is going on, stop it!” You were wrestling with her at the top of the stairs and were starting to get scared she was gonna take you both down them. She kept croaking and screeching and suddenly the light was turned on. Your father stood at the bottom of the stairs, not croaking thankfully, but looking confused. When your mom and sister came home they must have left your dad on the couch and shut your lamp off.

“What the fuck are you two doing? Get off her!” You didn’t know who he was referring to but you didn't have time to ask before you heard more shrieks and inhumane croaks coming from your parents room. The door was shut but it was shaking like someone was pounding on it.

“Dad, something is wrong,” you said, starting to panic now at the possibility your mother would come barreling out of the room acting just like Hazel, or worse. Your dad started moving up the stairs, causing Hazel to suddenly stop attacking you and fly at your father, straight down the stairs. Hazel, or this creature that looked like Hazel, missed your dad completely and basically just flung herself down the stairs. That fall should have killed her or broken a bone at the very least, but she hit the bottom and just got straight back up, then turned to look at the two of you. The croaking and shrieking coming from your parents room was now partnered with sirens and helicopters outside. You didn’t know what was happening but you knew everything was changing much too fast for your liking. 

Hazel stood there, staring at you and your father, and started twitching. Similarly to how she had while you were doing her makeup, but more violent. She opened her mouth and in the light from the lamp in the living room and the one above the stairs you could see that there was a tendril-looking plant coming out of your sister's mouth that was moving on its own. You almost thought you were hallucinating. Something compelled your father to move. He barreled down the few stairs he’d come up and grabbed your sister by the neck like he was about to choke her, moving her head up to immobilize it. He studied her for a second before throwing her in the kitchen pantry and shutting the door. She started croaking again. But now she was also screaming. Not the shrieks from before, it sounded like the Hazel you knew. Screams she’d make when she saw a bug or got dirt on her hands. Screams she made when she fell off her bike. Screams like how she should have screamed when she flung herself down the stairs. 

Your dad calling your name brought you out of your daze. “I need you to grab something heavy that I can put in front of the door,” he shouted over Hazel and your mother’s screams. You’d never heard so much noise. So much unpleasant noise and it was loud. Loud. So, so loud. You couldn’t think. You could barely will yourself to move from the top of the stairs. Your arms stung and were sticky with blood pouring from where Hazel had scratched you. Could you even say that was Hazel? A more concerning bang from your parents door made you run down the stairs much faster. You could take Hazel in a fight like that, but definitely not your mother. Thankfully, the door held through. You don’t know where you found the strength to push the DVD cabinet in front of the pantry door. Just a few hours ago you were searching through it to find Harry Potter, and now you’re using it to trap your “sister” in the pantry. 

“What is happening?” You frantically asked your father. More like yelling at your father over the noise. You just needed it to stop being so loud so you could think. 

“I don’t know.” Your father moved from the pantry door that was barely holding on due to your sister trying to break through it. She isn’t that strong. She can’t be that strong? Your dad turns the TV on to see news reports of towns and cities on fire, people killing what looks like other people before cameras could cut away. The signal was barely pulling through, but you could see enough. When the signal was fully cut out, your dad moved to the radio, where they were talking about people who were acting similar to your mom and sister, and how they’re not safe and people need to run or kill them. Then there were croaks and screams and the signal went out and all you heard from the radio was static. Static, screaming, shrieking, your father’s heavy breathing, you couldn’t comprehend what was happening.

“Go to your room, shut the door, lock it, and stay in there until I come get you,” your father moved over to his desk in his office and took his gun out of the drawer and loaded it.

“Dad…? What the fuck are you doing?” You followed him, but suddenly heard gunshots in the distance and more sirens and you both looked out the window. It was rare to hear sirens all the way out where you lived, so you both knew that if you could hear them, it didn't mean anything good.

“What everyone else is,” he said, turning from the window to look at you. He moved to where you were at the front of his office and you could see the conflict in his eyes when he looked at you. “I don’t want this on your conscience.” You couldn’t hold it in anymore. You started to cry. You cried, the shrieks blending in with your sobs. You so desperately wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

“I know sweetheart, I’m sorry.” You looked up and your father was crying too. In your 14 years of life you had never seen your dad cry. That scared you even more. 

“Go in your room,” he said sternly, trying to hide his emotions and tears. You wordlessly followed his orders, taking one last look at the pantry, the pounding on the door was going to be the last thing you saw your sister do alive. Your father was about to kill your sister, and your mother. And you were not only letting him, you almost felt thankful. They won’t have to suffer anymore. At the top of the stairs, right before the door to your room, you watched the pounding on the door to your parents room too before slipping into your room and closing the door, locking it, and staying there. Just as you were told. You’d always been a rule follower, but you just never thought it would be something like this.

A few minutes passed before you heard the DVD cabinet get moved and the pantry door finally break open. You assumed your dad had to talk himself into what he was about to. Then you heard it. Bang. A set of croaking stopped and you heard your dad’s sobs as he climbed up the stairs. You sobbed into the pillows of your bed. Then you heard the same thing as before, the door opened, and then the gun went off.

Bang.

And you’re met with silence, but this time you don’t like it.

—

6 years later, date unknown, year 2009

It was a beautiful day. Sunny with a soft breeze. You stood at the two matching headstones with the wildflowers you’d gathered, taking the dead ones out of the pot and adding the new ones. You and your father had stolen the headstones a few weeks after outbreak day. You couldn’t even really say stolen. The owner had gotten infected, and no one was really around to stop you. You and your father carved their names into them that night and wheelbarrowed them over to where you buried them the next morning. Lillian Rose and Hazel Elizabeth. You saw their bodies, for closure purposes. Both with a bullet in the head and cordyceps, you now knew, in their mouths. They didn’t look like them, which helped only a little bit because it didn’t help any with the fact they were dead. 

Your father and you drove into town the morning after and got a little bit of information. What law enforcement had told them to do in town, none of them apparently cared enough to go out to the countryside assuming we were all dead. Then what we knew so far about the people being dubbed “the infected,” it passed through bites so you were okay since you only got scratched but you and your dad were both on edge for a few days. And that the town leaders left were calling for a meeting to see who was alive and who wasn’t. 

Out of the 450 people in Hazel, 25 people remained. Two of which being you and your father, so 23 others. Most of them were the only ones of their families to survive. It seemed like if you didn’t get sick, a family member bit you before you could do anything or register what was happening. That seemed to be what happened to your neighbors. Your dad killed a lot of infected people that day, including Madison and her family. It seemed like her parents had gotten sick and attacked her because she had a bite mark and they didn’t.

 The general consensus of the meeting was that you can try to make it to what eventually became the Nashville QZ, at the time it was just a government support station, because it was closer than the Frankfort one or you can stay here and play survival. Most of the older people decided to try to make it to the QZ, but you and your dad decided to stay. You both felt safer in your own hands rather than someone else’s. After some cars were stocked with people, gas, and food you sent over half of who were left away.

You started playing adult that day. Your father asked for your opinion on every decision setting up this new version of your father-daughter relationship as partners and equals, knowing the two of you were really the only ones you could trust. You’d gone through everything the two of you did that day, why hadn’t you two gotten sick? You figured it out before the authorities did that it was probably flour. The only common thing you and your dad had done was not eat something with flour. Even six years later you think about what might have happened if you had eaten the cookie and gotten sick or if you and your dad had decided to order pizza instead of just eating popcorn and got sick. 

You raided the market for non-perishable goods first, then houses. You stepped over bodies, infected and not. You gathered a hell of a lot of gas and stuff for your farm animals. Living off of your land and what you could find was hard, but after you heard about what was going on in the local QZs you were glad you and your father decided to stay.

You were already pretty outdoorsy, but your father taught you even more. You had your own gun now, you practiced throwing knives in your spare time, and you helped with the butchering now and again. You tried to stay good, it’s what your mom would have wanted, so the occasional straggler was given a meal and a place to sleep for the night before “gently” being told to get on their way. You rarely ran into infected, but when you did, you killed them with ease. Your dad hated when you wouldn’t let him do it. He was still trying to preserve some kind of innocence he thought was left in you.

You can’t lie to yourself, the apocalypse and the world shutting down requiring you to work more combined with the fact you had just gotten older had given you the looks you wished you had at 14. You could tell by the way men looked at you when they stopped by your house, and because you weren’t blind. You were 20 now, your body was now fully developed, your hair was long, you’d gotten slightly taller, and your body was thinner and more toned. 

You and your dad decided to do one of your rare visits to town to find some cars to get gas out of and maybe check in with the people and make sure they’re doing okay. Out of everyone left in Hazel, you were significantly better off than most people because of the farm and just being more able bodied. There weren’t a lot of families in Hazel, most of them were in the next town over, so it was a lot of middle to late aged people just doing what they could and trading with you and your dad for food. You certainly weren’t living luxuriously or comfortably per say, but your worries were certainly less than others.

Your dad headed into one of the antique shops on main street to see if they still had anything of value. You both ignored the fact this was where your mom worked, and that you’d searched this one hundreds of times, rarely finding anything, and you were only here because it made you feel closer to her. Then you saw them, straight in front of you. A group of people you’d never seen before. They’d just walked out of what used to be the local bar and it looks like they found a stash the other people in town had either been saving or hadn’t found yet. The man at the front of the group noticed you first then said something to the others that made them look your way. It immediately made you worry, you’re used to taking one, maybe two people in for a night but not… 8.

“Dad?” You called softly trying not to give off that you were scared but with enough urgency that he came out immediately. He too noticed what you had seen and that they were headed right towards you.

“Fuck,” he said taking his gun out from behind his back and holding it down at his side, as did you.

“Well hellooo there,” the man who was in front said with a bit of a southern accent, “who might we have here to bless us?”

“Mike, how about you?” your father said and you smirked.

“Well I’m Ryan, and we’re just a group of people trying to get by, you think you could help us with that?” You scanned over the group of them, out of the 8 only 2 were female, but they all looked set to kill you and your father at any second. But there were two men in the back, however, who looked uncomfortable. They looked similar enough to be at least related, maybe brothers. One was taller and more well built than the other who was only slightly shorter but skinnier and with more defined muscles but you could tell they could both pick you up one handed and throw you down with ease. The taller one definitely caught your eye the longest, he looked like he’d seen some things.

“That depends, what exactly do you want from us?” Your father did the talking and like always you did the observing.

“Some food to start, our location, and maybe something fun for later,” Ryan said, eyeing you. Bold. Now you had to speak up.

“I don’t know what you had in mind but I can guarantee my idea of fun and yours may not be the same,” you said softly but not unstrong. You can sense that he doesn’t like hearing no so you’ll at least be gentle about it.

“Oh please enlighten me,” he said, taking a step toward you. You took a step toward him.

“I like to throw knives, and I can think of a target I could practice with, if it's not too small,” you say, giving him a sweet smile. The other members of the group giggle and this Ryan guy backs off.

“Aren’t you just a sweet peach,” he said sarcastically.

“Now, we can help with the food and location, but if you’re going to stay here you’re going to follow our rules. Got it?” You said.

“Now what makes you think we’re gonna wanna abide by that?” Ryan says.

“Because you wouldn’t be asking us for help if you didn’t need it, and looks to me like this girl over here is coming down with something so you need medication too. I can also tell that you all are longing for a good night's rest and haven’t eaten well in a few days, so if you want any of that, you're gonna listen to us.” Your observations seemed to sway them because soon enough they were in the bed of your dad’s pickup and you were headed back to your house.

— 

You all exchanged information and food. They snarfed their meals and you couldn’t blame them. You learned most of them were from Texas but a few were from Louisiana and Mississippi. They were traveling north, apparently the QZs in the bigger cities like Boston and Philadelphia were doing better than the Kentucky ones so they were trying to make it there because life in the open was getting harder and harder. You learned that the FEDRA people had finally developed a test for cordyceps that pinched you in the neck and the reader would light up green or red. But the most thought provoking thing you learned was about raiders and FEDRA raids. You and your dad had thought the FEDRA raids were over, but apparently they were still going out on random raids to try to collect people. Not things or supplies, people. And then killing them because dead people can’t get infected. But the sound of raiders just terrified you. You figured the people in front of you were raiders of a sort but they seemed to be on the better end of what’s out there.

“We only kill if they attack us first, raiders kill first,” a woman named Sasha said. You looked at your dad and you could see the thoughts crossing his mind. We won’t be safe from any of that. 

“If you think it would be best, you’re welcome to join us. Your food supplies should get us most of the way there and if we can ride in your truck it would help us get there faster. Try to find better lives for all of us,” another guy whose name you haven’t been told yet said.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea Blake, but we’ll have to let them think about it,” Ryan said in response. 

You looked at your dad shrugging your shoulders slightly, “It’s not a bad idea, we’ll eventually run out of things here and one dry season and that's it.” Your dad looks at you slowly and you try to communicate with your eyes what you’re really thinking. It’s an opportunity to get out of here with actual able bodied help to maybe find somewhere easier.

“Okay,” he says to you first, “okay,” he says again directed at Ryan.

You picked up some of the dishes and headed into the kitchen to start washing them. You quickly grabbed the extra soap from the pantry and a common thought of yours crossed your mind, that you didn’t have to open the door anymore. You heard footsteps behind you and who you expected to be your father was actually the two men you had guessed were brothers, carrying the other dishes. 

“Oh, well thanks…” you said, a little surprised.

“Yeah, no problem,” the younger one said with a real southern drawl you hadn’t heard in a long time, “I’m Tommy by the way. And this is my older brother…” 

“Joel.”

[thelostgirl21]

"My number-one priority, which I said to her, was just to make sure that we were doing it right and that we did it sensitively with a care and a kinship, and I wanted to avoid all kinds of stereotyping, really. So there was an awful lot of script rewrites and things like that. We deleted whole scenes in favour of songs. So I brought in a new song, and I said: 'Can we just cut all this dialogue, and I can just sing something?'" - Joey Batey, Digital Spy interview

The first time I watched that scene, when Jaskier started singing that last part to Prince Radovid:

Of them, I’ve had enough. With you, I have enough. With you, I am enough. I am… I am enough...

I literally started crying. Because, although it's played for laughs, since the beginning of the show, Jaskier's often been portrayed like this "annoying character" that tries too hard to be liked, wanted, and involved in his friends' lives... to find his "forever home"...

But often, he just gets punched in the gut, blamed for everything going wrong in other people's lives, gets told off when he tries to introduce himself or be included in moments where people are there to offer each other comfort (but apparently want none from him) as a result...

Season 2 started to make some progress on that, with Yennefer and Geralt allowing themselves to show more vulnerability around him, and telling him that his help his needed...

Season 3 saw characters that are usually so quick to dismiss him and treat him harshly (ex: Yarpen Zigrin) actually thank him, when they realize how selfless Jaskier can be, and the risks he is willing to take to help others (even those that treat him like an annoying nuisance)...

But still, he'd gotten used, at some point, to being "barely tolerated" rather than "wanted". And his "break up" with Geralt broke his heart and hurt him so much that, although forgiven, I believe it did leave some scars...

As someone with ADHD (that has a tendency to get overexcited about a bunch of things without noticing that it doesn't interest people, impulsively interrupt them with my thoughts, follow them around, and "impose my presence" without meaning to) and associated rejection sensitive dysphoria, Jaskier's behavior and emotional responses are something very easy for me to identify with.

And having him sing "With you I am enough. I am enough," hit me right in the feels, in the most cathartic way!

Prince Radovid is the first person we met on the show, I think, that was shown as being immediately happy to meet Jaskier, wished to adopt that puppy and bring him home right away, saw him as being irresistible and special, envied Geralt for having Jaskier as a friend/companion, couldn't get enough of his singing, and listened when he talked to the things he didn't say...

Knowing that it is Joey himself that just decided to basically show up to work with that song he'd written, and ask if he could sing it instead of using the dialogue in the script, just ended up offering yet another layer to that scene.

When hearing him sing:

"It’s not a want, it’s a need, it is paying no heed to what others say to sing."

now, I can't help but feel like there's some kind of "meta" dimension to those lyrics, as the actor chose to sing what he - as the person embodying Jaskier - wanted to sing, rather than what had been scripted and what others would have wanted him to sing.

That song feels deeply personal, born out of a very intimate understanding of the character, and how being treated the way that he used to be treated would have emotionally and psychologically affected him.

I'll be 100% honest, when Joey was talking about the sapioromantic connection between the characters, and explaining how Radovid wore a mask, was a bit of a mystery to him, and how Jaskier would become fascinated and wish to figure him out...

...I was genuinely concerned that they'd somehow manage to "romanticize" yet another toxic relationship, where the two characters would constantly be trying to outsmart and play mind games with each other.

But that's not it at all. They are both seeing what they try so hard to hide from others. Prince Radovid's environment is highly toxic and dysfunctional (as Jaskier aptly described, he's stuck in a vipers' den) - knowing too much, or not enough - can mean life or death for him.

Whereas Jaskier tries so hard to meet expectations and be what others need or want him to be - give voice to other people's issues, stories and problems - that he all but becomes invisible to others himself as a process.

Sure, they know his name and his songs. But they don't know Jaskier's own soul or story. He fades away in the background for the benefit of others.

They are both trying to figure each other out not because they are people that enjoy indulging in court intrigues, manipulating others, and dominating "the game" for their own gain...

They are trying to emotionally connect with the good, beautiful, and vulnerable parts of themselves that they have been forced to hide from the rest of the world to survive.

They are highly insightful empathetic individuals using their gifts on each other to empower each other, rather than malignant narcissists using their perceptiveness to control each other.

This is an extremely refreshing and healthy relation dynamic that I was sort of hoping for - since Joey put so much emphasis on how important it was for him to offer a relationship that may be flawed, but handled sensitively and carefully without resorting to stereotypes - but this totally went above and beyond my expectations!

If Joey Batey himself isn't queer, then he's got such a capacity for love and emotional empathy that he's apparently able to care about queer issues with the intensity and insightfulness of someone that has experienced them.

The fact that he's using queer labels and sub-categories that are often lesser known by people outside of the LGBTQ+ community to describe Jaskier's sexuality (sapioromantic, panromantic or pansexual...), as well as talking about issues affecting non-monosexuals, such as the desire to avoid bisexual erasure, brings some much needed attention towards the richness and diversity of the LGBTQ+ community!

I sincerely couldn't be happier, or more grateful...

Apparently, there are plans to further explore Ciri's bisexuality, too, with the introduction of Mistle in Season 3!

Here's hoping they'll be using Jaskier as "queer consultant" for the other queer romances on the show...

Also, the relationship between our sweet Bi!Ciri and her weird Pan!Uncle Jaskier means everything to me...

I'm trying to remember if Ciri has been exposed to any models of queer romances in her life...

I mean, most unions between princes and princesses, or kings and queens, are often political alliances. They might have same gender consorts, but I'm not sure that this is something they would have educated younger princesses about, or made very "public".

I sort of want to have her catch Jaskier and Radovid while they are kissing at some point, and realize that the innocent crush she had on Triss in Season 2 is something that is perfectly normal, and that she shouldn't be afraid nor ashamed of that part of herself.

Maybe even go to him and start asking him questions about it... That would be a very thoughtful and sensitive way to explore what being queer means in the world of the Witcher; having Ciri learn, directly from Jaskier, about the potential risks associated with being in an openly gay relationship.

There would really be such an opportunity for the two of them to continue to bond over something like this, and Ciri would know that she's got someone that genuinely loves her and that she can trust to support her and the choices she makes regarding her love life in the future, no matter what.

I can see so many possibilities, though I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about this (since if they went that route, it would just seem too good to be true!)...

[hermit-pride]

Day: 10. Not very certain about my sexual orientation or status, if you will. I have never had a strong libido with my schizoid traits playing a key role. Sex was always a physical only thing. I remember a one night stand that I had. It was wonderful, out in nature among giant trees. Couldn't be more perfect. But I couldn't wait to get her home and leave even though she invited me in for (thirds). But I was 22 and that was so many years ago.

My wife haven't been intimate in at least ten years. And the decade before that wasn't much better. Not for lack of eagerness on her part. But she is old school and feels that if a guy doesn't initiate it's because he doesn't want it.

I am repelled by intimacy. I have, however had sex with myself once or twice a week. Not imagining someone I know as a partner, just that surge forward to ring the bell and renew my dopamine levels. I do not have sexy dreams or fantasize about sex. I don't recall being sexually attracted to another in a very long time.

But I am attracted to females intellectually. Case in point, I belonged to a gymn for a while. I would ride the exercise bikes, and hope she would show up, and then hit the steam room and shower before going to work. Let's call her Pam.

The room that is set up for exercise bikes is glassed in and the lights were always off, unless a class was in progress. Pam would come in and do a few stretches on the mats then hop on her favorite bike. Always the second from the front in the left side if facing out. She would start slow, then increase her speed. She would never sprint. After she warmed up, she would stand up while not breaking her pedalling pace and let go of the handle bars. It was graceful and pure magic!

She would ride standing for a good while then settle back into the seat. It was a dance; a thing of utter beauty and she seemed unaware that she had an audience. The process would be repeated two more times. I was pedalling in the back of the same room and could mostly only see her silhouette.

I was only able to see the solo act seven or eight times. And then I never saw her again. She would towel off then leave. I wanted to see her face. But to do so would give everything away. I marveled at her beauty of movement. But never had any lust for her.

Also, I have worked for and with dozens of managers in my nursing career but none have been held in higher esteem than my current manager. Not even close. She is the nicest (can be firm when needed but has the uncanny ability to make you somehow feel good when she provides corrective criticism). She was voted nurse of the year 2022 at which time she was also divorcing her husband. She is raising two young children, mostly by herself, she manages an ER with over 100 staff not including physicians, residents and advance practice nurses. OBTW she is at this time completing her master's degree. My word, did I leave anything out?

She is also pretty but I don't think she knows it. She reminds me of a 5'8" version of Julie Dreyfus. When she asks you to do something, there is no question. It gets done.

So she is my professional "crush". She is destined for advancement. I will miss her and remember her fondly.

So, am I asexual even though I have solo sex with no real person in mind? Or is it something else? And as you might guess I may be aromantic as well. I enjoy reading about romance occasionally but think that it is for me, unattainable. I've tried to be romantic with my wife, compliment her, bring her flowers, rub her feet. But it all feels so contrived and doesn't last. I'm a shit husband. But on the other hand I take good care of all her needs and can't imagine life without her 🤍💛.

[frazzledsoul]

Occasionally I'll run across an insane comment (usually on Instagram) that says something to the effect of "all of Rory's bad behavior and questionable decisions are the fault of the S7 writers, ASP would never write anything like that!"

I've also seen the new writing team accused of writing AYITL and that ASP was responsible for the much more optimistic and close-ended series finale.

Is there anything the dastardly S7 writers aren't guilty of, including forcing Milo to get a more prestigious job on a bigger network so that he couldn't make guest appearances anymore? (Wait, no, they've been accused of that, too). But I digress. That is not the point here.

The point is that Rory is fairly unproblematic in season 7. She is arguably at her most mature and stable during that season. She's in a stable relationship where she and her partner can have arguments and the world does not end. The relationship is long-distance, but when left to her own devices she doesn't go out and cheat, but instead makes new friends for the first time since high school (this is more compelling in theory than execution, but I appreciate the attempt). She is offered other opportunities to stray but doesn't take them. She has conversations with her partner about how it's important to remain faithful and honest (this would never, ever happen if the Palladinos were in charge). She calls Lorelai and Logan on their bullshit but doesn't stop talking to them. When she makes bad professional decisions, she reassesses and tries to get another job. She doesn't give up on Logan after the impromptu proposal, but asks to resume their long-distance relationship. She leaves the series on good terms with almost everyone she knows and seems to be a grown-up.

This is not to say she was perfect (what the fuck is up with denying Gigi's existence AGAIN?!?) but it is a vast improvement from the previous three seasons.

Unfortunately, all that growth was reversed when ASP was in charge again. She basically rewrote her season 6 plotline, which requires Luke and Lorelai to have communication problems, Rory to be adrift and confused after enconscing herself in Logan's lifestyle, for Jess to swoop in, charm her with his stability and overall hipster dreaminess, and set her on the right path professionally, and for Logan to make his way into her orbit once again when she's getting her shit together. Everything is the same as it was, so what was the season in between going to be about? I know what a lot of the fans wanted (a Rory/Logan/Jess infidelity plotline despite Jess's prior protestations and Luke and Lorelai somehow forgetting the Christopher incident right away, though it seems like the first plot thread won't lead anywhere positive and the second doesn't sound realistic) and I don't agree...but whatever was supposed to happen in ASP's head didn't take, which is why things went back to where they were. So who exactly is at fault for these storylines showing one of their main characters at her worst? I don't think it's the people who let her progress and become more of an adult, because they weren't working towards a "tragic" plot twist for an ending.

Honestly, I think the show could have improved from some Jess appearances in season 7, but it doesn't have to be about Rory. He has a new half-sister, he has a newly discovered cousin, and we tragically never got his opinion on the Luke/Lorelai soap opera or saw any scenes with just him and his mom. He's got his own life too and it would be nice to have some updates about that. His primary anchor to Stars Hollow (and to us) in the latter seasons is through Luke, not Rory, and we know that relationship has developed in between S6 and AYITL so it would be nice to see how he replaced Liz as Luke's confidante and how he got to a place where he's a support system to his mom. And yes, I think his relationship with Rory could have benefitted by them being friends while she's in a stable relationship when someone else instead of repeating this love triangle drama again. It would be much easier for them to start over (if the narrative permitted it) after she had broken up with Logan and got to keep her character growth than it would be post AYITL, when the lifestyle and morality issues seem to have placed them even further apart (and yeah, there's a baby involved now, too).

But, alas. I know it wouldn't have happened, because Milo was not available. I also know that Matt Czuchry was signed as a regular for the season 8 with the new writers that never happened, so Rory and Logan would likely have reconciled if they had gotten another season. So it's just a nice dream. I guess I can headcanon all that other Jess stuff, though.

To be honest, though? The S7 writers were much kinder to Rory and tried to make her into a better person and learn from her mistakes. ASP did not.

[k-s-morgan]

Hi Morgan I am from Asia and I love ur blog

Can u help me understand something as I am new to this series there are some things that confuses me.

I think Will doesn't love hannibal as much as Hannibal loves Will . Yeah I understand he chose him after everything Hannibal had done but he always makes this decision at the end and after that he tries to justify his actions he is not always 100% sure with his decisions. He literally threw them off the cliff after some seconds of acceptance. Tbh I guess I fall on the minority when I say he really irritates me . I still feel hannibal's love and devotion is deeper than Will's.

Just my opinion tho

Second question was he was really jealous of Bedelia because of his underlying feelings or it was just him feeling salty that she wasn't as scared as he was .

Thank you

Ai shite iru (love u)

Hello! Thank you so much for your lovely words! <3

I have a very long post about the different ways in which Will and Hannibal express love here. I'll copy the TLDR part: Hannibal is more open about himself and his feelings, including love, hence he doesn’t have many challenges with admitting it. Will is closed off, stiff, and emotionally repressed, so he expresses his feelings in a much more subtle way.

Will has gone through a long, painful journey. He went from hiding from emotions and deflecting to not denying and carefully acknowledging them. We don’t hear words “love” or “in love” from him in relation to Hannibal because Will is not that kind of person. He doesn’t use these words freely, and for him, every small emotional step is a struggle. He tried to deceive himself and other numerous times; he tied to deny the truth and manipulate his own mind, but with each season, his feelings for Hannibal became more and more explicit. Will reaching out for physical contact, Will saying “It’s beautiful” are his way of saying, “I ached for you. I love you.”

So, I think his feelings are equally strong, he just doesn't express them in the same way. If there was S4, I'd expect Will to keep making progress and to start showing Hannibal how much he loves him more openly. Hannibal truly needs to see how adored he is, he might be emotionally starved at this point, after so many years.

About Bedelia, Will was absolutely jealous of her. Bryan on Will and Bedelia’s interactions:

And when we got to the Will and Bedelia scenes, they were just delightful. Because there were, in a sense, two spurned lovers, sniping at each other over the man that they were obsessed with.

He also said that he loves how "bitchy Will and Bedelia are to each other" and that they consider each other as "the other woman in Hannibal's life."

Hugh said a similar thing in the commentaries to the show:

Will and Bedelia are brides of Hannibal, exes of Hannibal, they consider each other the other woman in Hannibal's life, and they are very bitchy toward each other for this reason.

Just one conversation example from the show:

Will: You didn't lose yourself, Bedelia, you just crawled so far up his ass you couldn't be bothered - personal, targeted against Bedelia's attachment to Hannibal.

Will: You hitched your star to a man commonly known as a monster. You're the Bride of Frankenstein - personal attack with romantic connotation. Bedelia catches up on it and mocks him:

Bedelia: We've both been his bride. Have you been to see him?

Will: Yes.

Bedelia: Haven't learned anything, have you? Or did you just miss him that much?

Will: Have you been to see him? - jealously-personal again. Will wants to know if Bedelia is keeping contact with Hannibal. It's all about her relationship with Hannibal.

His aggression toward her and the extent of it is the reason why I think he was the initiator behind the attack on her that we see in a post-credits scene. He needed reassurance that Hannibal is capable of killing her, something he could never do to Will.

[kentuckycaverats]

delphine tsuga fujinami and mitra harker

del is my thinblood pc and mitra is bandit.bones.dice's ravnos pc in an edinburgh by night chronicle. we're nearing the end of the chronicle and just finished up mitra's individual story arc, and i NEED to talk about them i NEED to

on paper del and mitra are polar opposites: he's an impulsive, charismatic, flamboyant partyboy who has ingratiated himself to both the camarilla and anarchs; she's standoffish, blunt, aloof, bloodthirsty, and wants no part in politics of any kind. but they're both broadly misunderstood--mitra gets a bad rap as a vapid, flaky hedonist and del is assumed to be callously self-serving.

they express it in drastically different ways, but at their cores they're both driven by the profound desire to protect the people they love, and they've seen more and more of this as the chronicle has progressed. they have enough common ground to understand one another but are different enough to temper the other's weaknesses--mitra has less than zero self esteem and del refuses to let him allow his partners to treat him like shit, and mitra drags her kicking and screaming into accepting that she can't do everything herself. he's the first one she tells about her namesake and her blood leech predator type, and she's the first to know about his precious mortal daughter.

and then!! there is ralfy.

ralfy is a brujah anarch and serial fuckup. can't stay out of his own way, botched the embrace of his only childe, constantly on the verge of a masquerade breach due to being a clueless dumbass. the anarchs aren't thrilled about claiming him and the cam sheriff is constantly waiting for an opportunity to ash him for good. ralfy is one of mitra's lovers, and while del knows he's not good enough for mitra she tolerates ralf for his sake.

when another of mitra's lovers--a crazy dangerous ministry independent--tries to coerce mitra into a blood bond, he asks ralfy to bind him instead and keep him safe. not long after, mitra is exposed to a ritual that turns him mortal again for one night only. at the end of the night he dies again, painfully, and goes to ralfy distraught asking for comfort. ralf wants to undergo the ritual himself. mitra reminds him that the bond makes it impossible for him to say no and begs ralfy not to ask him again. ralf asks again, mitra tells him, and leaves. when he tells del what's happened she shows up at ralfy's apartment to kick his ass and trash the place. she tells him he's going to apologize to mitra, then leave him alone until mitra decides he's ready to see ralf's worthless ass again. she tells him he'd better use this time to become the person mitra believes he is.

a few nights later, mitra feels the bond to ralfy snap. ralf's car (stolen) is found on the side of the road riddled with bullet holes and in flames. he tried to run, like a coward. attacker unclear.

mitra is distraught and del is pissed. she feels no remorse in the slightest.

only, ralfy isn't dead. he's been compromised by the sabbat and made the right hand of baali / methuselah petaniqua, who has been after del as a sacrificial lamb since del's mortal birth. petaniqua needs del's estranged fae soul, aelsidhe, to feed to a demon named foebok to fulfill an end times prophecy.

sabbat!ralfy pops up over and over again, causing soooo many problems for the coterie and the city. including but not limited to destroying mitra's club/the coterie's haven; working with del's abusive biological parents to create a horrifying fleshcrafted warehouse; and fully blowing up elysium. meanwhile, mitra's on a quest to earn a rare ravnos weapon crafted by the progenitor himself, and his trial is to either destroy or rescue ralfy. having been indirectly responsible for the deaths of 3 shitty exes already (ralf, driven away by del; ministry lover, killed on del's behest by a primogen; his sire, beheaded by del - all calls that mitra couldn't bring himself to make) mitra wants to save ralfy.

del haaaaaaaaaaaaaaates ralf. he abused her best friend. he's second in command to petaniqua, the monster responsible for every single awful thing that ever happened to her in life and death, who has tried to or succeeded in murdering everyone del has ever loved. he worked alongside her abusive bio parents. he's sabbat. and for some goddamned reason mitra sees something worth saving in him.

del will never forgive ralfy. she thinks he should've killed himself rather than bow to petaniqua's power. like she did. she thinks he's a spineless worm who lacks the desire or willpower to change. but mitra wants to save him, and she loves mitra more than she hates ralf.

so when the time comes, and ralf's pack is destroyed and he's been exorcised of the demon petaniqua bound to him, she cedes to mitra's wishes and lets ralf go. and it could only be for mitra--she loves the rest of the coterie too, but she wouldn't have been able to let ralfy walk even for them. only for him. even when petaniqua's last trick via ralfy was to disguise one of her minions as del's late mortal sister--the sister petaniqua herself had murdered by del's sire--she lets him go. she lets him go!!!!!!!!!! most spiteful vengeance-driven hatergirl lover of violence stands there and watches while her enemy walks himself into a fresh new life. do you get it yet do you understand

[phillipthesims]

Gen One: Chapter 6

TW: Physical abuse, verbal abuse, pregnancy

It was not easy to get through the nausea to do her chores, fix any appliances, and cook. Lily also grew anxious when anything was dirty. If it wasn't clean, it wasn't good enough. She cleaned everything and even that didn't relieve her stress and fear.

She hated being yelled at and criticized, so she just tried to make everything as neat as possible. Even when things were constantly breaking, and she fell sick often. The nausea got so bad that she'd curl up on the couch and cry.

Why was she sick? She didn't know.

Sometimes Lily would just try to read for a few hours to pass the wave of sickness. And usually she'd be feeling better after lunch... usually. Some days the sickness lasted all day and she'd get nothing done. Then Lupin would yell, the laundry would be half done, the dishes left in the sink, and no dinner to be seen.

Nothing was good enough... and yet she kept trying. Over and over. She wanted his love again, to hear his caring words again. Lily could be everything he wanted, right? He loved her.... He had to because she loved him.

If she asked him, he'd say, "You know I couldn't live without you, flower."

"You are needed here, flower."

Needed... yes, she was meant to be here. "After all, where else would you go?" She didn't know....

Lily pushed the thoughts out her head, she was here. She was living the life she... she dreamed. Never mind the fact that she was just as alone as she was before. Lupin didn't want her to leave the house much and she couldn't drive. Even the store he'd have to drive her there. He stayed in the car now while she shopped, but he was needed to get her there.

She had been able to convince him to let her start a small backyard garden. She simply wanted an outlet she could do outside. Even if that outlet was exactly what her mother did... but growing something yourself was always nice.... Growing something?

Yes... that was what Lupin would soon berate her on or... sort of. He brought up her nausea and also sudden weight gain, calling it unattractive. He yelled more when she had no answer or reason for this change. She didn't know!

Lily cried more when he called her utterly stupid and how could she not know she was pregnant! Pregnant?? Is that-?

SLAP

"How stupid can you be?! Being pregnant is no excuse to sleep on your chores! If you're this lazy now, how are you going to take care of the damn baby?! Are you going to let it starve?!"

She didn't hear much else of his rant... he slapped her.... For once there was a burst of color on her face, red and hurt. It hurt a lot. Lily stared at her reflection for what felt like hours, staring at where her face stings and at her stomach. She had gained weight.

She... She was pregnant. She was going to have a baby, a child. Like she wanted...? Yes, yes she did, but.... She glanced at the door, fearing Lupin would barge in and shout more. Hit her again.

Would he- would he hit the child? Or would he love the child, and hold them tenderly?

These thoughts and questions swirled in Lily's head as her pregnancy progressed, but she had nowhere to go. And she still loved him....

When the bruise disappeared, Lupin took her to the doctor for a check up. They confirmed she was pregnant and even showed her the baby... She smiled. She was growing a life, a beautiful baby. This baby, her baby, was born and Lily knew she loved this child.

Feeling more like herself, Lily did her best to prepare for her baby. Meanwhile Lupin rarely touched her now... but that was alright. He worked more as well.

Months passed and Lily's baby grew healthy in her. She knew that soon she'd meet her little one. Lily wanted a healthy baby, nothing else mattered to her. When she asked Lupin what he'd want from the baby, as she did try to include him on this journey, he answered, "A boy, I'd like a boy."

Nothing else, but she was grateful for an answer to begin with. Maybe he too was at least a little bit happy for this baby? She hoped so, she loved him... she loved this baby. They'd be a happy family.

[darkangel1791]

Oh no! @persefoniajax! I found the one-shot questions! I'm so sorry!

Okay, here are the answers you actually wanted!

Walking Mojo

3. Did it have a different ending originally?

I don't write outlines or anything, so I can't say it originally had a different ending. But my original idea was only that Mojo would show Lestat all of the places that Louis took him, because of course Louis would develop a routine to make sure he was doing the right thing for Lestat’s dog. But when I got to the place in the story after Mojo went to the First Street house to meet with his dog friends, and I thought, "Where would he go next?", Louis' little house just seemed to be the right next step, and from there the ending just flowed.

7. Is there something you'd like to change about the oneshot?

I don't think so. I wrote it, then had Father of Lies proofread it, then edited it. Then I re-edited it before I posted it to AO3. So I think it is as good as it is going to get. I do feel like I say that Mojo's tail is thumping too many times. But I have no other words to describe the sound of a really happy dog.

10. Did you include something in the oneshot that you originally weren't planning on including?

The line about the Oedipus complex. I didn't know I was going to go there. But once I did, I couldn't take it out. I mean, Louis has read The Vampire Lestat, it is in his head, at some point he's got to say something about it. And in a humorous exchange seemed like the perfect place.

20. What part of the oneshot are you most proud of?

The fight at Louis' little house. Lestat's jealousy of Tabitha comes out, and the conclusion he had jumped to. Louis' worry about what had happened when Lestat met her, but the way he tried to hide it. The progression to the physical. Louis showing no fear. Both of them being concerned for Mojo. Lestat weeping. I felt like I was able to show their whole relationship in one encounter.

22. If you would rewrite it, how would you rewrite it?

I might have put in some kind of flashback explaining why Louis went to each place. But I think that might have made everything too confusing.

[forensicated]

Trigger warning: mentions of rape and prostitution

Ginathon Episodes: Episode 231

CID have 24 hours to get a confession from Kennedy or he'll be released. There's still no physical evidence to say it's him. Jonathan and Gina watch the interviews from behind the glass screen. Jonathan worries that Kennedy is clever and that it'll be hard to break him.

He's still watching as Kennedy admits that Jonathan got him off the indecency charge 5 years ago. "I can't believe he's lost his teeth and gone into the CPS." Neil is furious when he confronts Jonathan, but he tells him he couldn't break client confidentiality. He does tell them that it and the transcripts of what was said and how Kennedy behaved during the trial are in the case files. Neil makes a dig about him now progressing to a full blown rapist because of Jonathan getting him off. Jonathan can only repeat, calmly, that he did his job. Jonathan does tell them something that isn't in the file however, they had to delay the trial by a few days when Alan's mother was taken ill. It wasn't anything serious but he was distraught and clearly cared deeply about her. Now his mother has recently passed.

Sam thinks she has an inning finally. She wants to use his childhood to break him down to a confession. Uniform find out that Kennedy had a different surname as a child and need to check that police record and find his mother's address to search the house, suspecting that was his base during the rapes. Sam gets a breakthrough when they discover Alan's mother was a prostitute, his childhood home operated as a brothel and that it caused him to be constantly bullied.

As Kennedy is returned to the cells for a break, he crosses paths with Jonathan, calling him "his good friend." He asks how his daughter is and remembers her name and age as Jonathan tries to square up to him, held back by Tony and Gina.

Jonathan keeps trying to get in touch with his daughter, worried that Alan might be freed and go after her. Gina tells him he's not out yet and that Chloe is likely either at school still or with her friends and to not worry. Jonathan makes an unthinking jibe, "You'd know all about that wouldn't you. How many kids have you got, Gina? Two, three is it?" Gina looks hurt and silently leaves the room.

Adam wants Sam and Neil to decide if they're going to apply to the court for an extension to keep questioning Alan Kennedy. Sam is wary that they might not get one with the limited evidence they have and wonders if the time might be best used trying to break Kennedy. She wants to use the knowledge that his mother was a prostitute, his father, as Alan believed, constantly away as a marine. His childhood was blighted with abuse and bullying. Uniform have found his mothers house and are searching it. Jonathan admits finding the house is a good step, however they now have to prove that that has been his base during the attacks.

Adam reminds them they gave to finish in the next hour as Kennedy is entitled to an 8 hour break. Sam gets a breakthrough when she asks if Alan's father knew what his mother was doing and if she had any time for him in between sleeping with men for money. Kennedy shouts "All women are whores. It's what you come to expect from women. All they want is sex, they get everything they deserve." Sam asks if that includes rape. She calls him a soulless man who hates women because they don't show him love. Alan recovers, saying Sam almost had him going. They have one hour left come the morning if they don't get the extension. Adam tells them to go home and reconvene in the morning. Sam stays and goes through the pictures with a magnifying glass, finding a scar on Kennedy's mother's neck as well as reading through the letters Kennedy sent her whilst away.

Chloe Fox arrives at the station for her father to sign a permission slip for a trip. At the same time, Kennedy is removed from his cell and taken to an interview room. Thankfully Chloe is already in Jonathan's office so doesn't see him - but she does meet a very surprised Gina who introduces herself. "Oh! Are you dad's girlfriend?" Jonathan arrives before she can reply and Chloe hands him the form to fill in. She tells him she can't forge it "because it's against the law." to Gina's amusement. He then gets an officer to escort her safely out.

As Sam and Neil return to the interview room for their final hour of questioning there's an audible clock ticking. Sam brings up the scar. She conjects that it was caused by a punter who cut his mother and made her scream for mercy. She suggests he panicked because the man was hurting his mummy and he didn't know what to do because he was only a young boy. He went to the hospital with her where she promised that they would be alright but it didn't stop. His mother continued to work as a prostitute rather than go and find his father so they could be safe. She suggests he cried and was angry and finally lashed out at someone - but not his mother because she'd been hurt enough and was all he had. During this time, Uniform continue searching the house of Alan's mother and find a knife likely used in the attacks hidden away.

Sam continues her same tactic and tells him they know that he lashed out with a beer bottle and slashed the face of a woman walking past his school. He was expelled but nothing changed and he was still angry. He couldn't stay at home as he was too scared to see what his mother was going through. He had no one to speak to and so decided to look for his father - who he'd never met. She suggest he thought bringing his father home to look after them would make everything alright. He headed to Scotland, only to find out his mother had lied to him. There was no John Kennedy serving in the marines. Finally Alan breaks and starts to cry. Sam says his mum had lied to try and keep him happy by letting his dad think was a hero when he was really a punter she didn't remember. Sam then produces a picture of Alan and his mum, suggesting Alan wanted to keep the lie going as without it he had nothing. He wrote to his mother to tell her he too was going to be a marine like his father. He needed her to keep lying to him because the truth was too unbearable to face. She didn't keep the lie going for him however or even write back. She was busy with her punters - punters who literally ripped her apart for pleasure were more important than her little boy. She must have cared about them more than him. Must have enjoyed what they did to her.

Sam continues, talking to Alan like she cares and understands. How dare his mother take away the hope that he would have a father who loved him. Someone to finally take care of him and want him above all else. He took his rage out on someone else to make them pay for his mums betrayal. She names his first victim - a prostitute, Brenda Kelman. Finally Alan speaks and tells Sam that noone has gotten to know him like that and in hearing it all played back he realised he's become one of the monsters that his mother feared the most. Sam takes his hands in faux comfort, getting the confession just before the time ran out.

Gina invites Jonathan to the Sun Hill Summer Party but unfortunately he has too much paperwork to complete he's unable to go. He does however apologise for what he said to her and for hurting her. He tells her he once lost Chloe for a couple of hours when she was 5 as she wandered off and he panicked and felt like it was happening all over again - only this time there was a serial rapist threat. "It's left a scar, you know?" "No I don't know, Jonathan." Gina says evenly. "As you so eloquently put it, I'm not a parent." "I'm sorry. It wasn't called for." "Right. What's done is done." "I should have had more confidence in you." Gina smiles a little and nods at him before leaving to go to the party.

As Gina pulls up outside the pub where the party is being held with her colleagues already inside there's a loud noise and explosion with lots of smoke and screams filling the air...!

[rinisbowen]

if you're not too busy, can you give your thoughts on season 4??? been missing your analyses!!

hey anon- i popped into this blog to post something completely unrelated, but seeing this ask i'll just do a semi-brief response to this: (news flash to the me who started this answer- this is no longer brief)

i haven't watched season 4. i've seen clips. i know the spoilers. i don't know that i will actually be watching it, sad as that is for me when there are certain things i wanted to watch develop properly... i might at some point, but it doesn't look to be something i necessarily want to actually properly watch start to finish...

before anyone comes at me for having strong opinions on a season i haven't watched top to bottom- don't. i don't need to have seen every shot to have a very solid understanding. i've seen a lot via socials... i "know what i'm talking about" to the extend i need to here. people are going to have their own subjective opinions, myself included, whether they've seen every second or haven't.

i told my friend on the phone when it came out that after seeing everything it seems like season 4 is more like retcon: the musical: the series...

if anyone has anything Specific they'd like talked about, i'd probably be happy/willing to do so, but admittedly, i'm not super keen on enduring the disrespect that was done to the early two seasons of the series...

also similarly- if anyone wants my thoughts on specific aspects of an alternative season 4... like things i could've envisioned for it pre- like- us getting any content... whether it's end of season 3 compliant or even like- conceptually compliant... i'm down to perhaps talk about that kind of stuff? or a sort of five season thought process... since obviously ending the series in the middle of the school year... pretty odd... especially with how they were acting like oh no this is the End...

my thoughts on this show are largely based in my understanding of the series format and arcs based in season 1 and season 2... season 2 is a very grounded season for all it tries to accomplish with limited degrees of success... i know people dislike it for various reasons, i think i actually like it for some of the reasons some people dislike it. and conversely a lot of people like season 3 for the reasons i dislike it. (and i'm not talking ships here folks- i'm talking stories and i'm talking style)

also for all i'm saying here- and this is definitely not to the degree of a traditional analysis post i would make... i would be willing to get into certain things if i am asked about them specifically.

before anyone comes here to scream at me- the thing i dislike about the season was the way it was done- not certain things being done in general. also i think it's a bit sad that they didn't think the story they were telling in season 4 couldn't stand on its own legs and needed all the associated retcon to make sense... there were ways to pull off a lot of what they wanted to accomplish- while still respecting the series and its roots

i think the conclusion i've come to in large part is that season 4 is not the same show as season 1. this is in a lot of ways, and for a lot of reasons. some out of the writers control. some just- due to changes in climate and in process. i know there's been more effort in the latter two seasons to listen to actors more with what they want, which changes things too. this can be a good thing in some cases and less so in others i tend to think (and this is an opinion i hold beyond this show)... i think there's been some disrespect done to different characters in different ways. i think characters have been somewhat reshaped to fit the narrative the show now wants to follow rather writing a narrative which fits the original characters. (and yes this can be done while having character growth/progression.)

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one thing i'm very happy with, to end this post on a positive note: kourtney and her story. from all i've seen- she was handled very, very well this season, and it's wonderful to see how far this girl has come. she was only supposed to be a one episode character in season 1 initially before dara auditioned and changed the game, and i think that shows in kourtney's lack of initial depth that first season. she's gotten so much more to do, and i think dara's talents being showcased in the latter two seasons even more has been a wonderful thing. i'm thrilled- and i also love that kourtney got a very solid college arc, i think that was important to do with at least one of the characters, and i'm pleased it was her. she deserves it.