#i could've done so much better if. if there wasn't wtvr the fuck is wrong with me rn
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T_T
#🌙.vent#i hate sharing these here but i need to write to myself#oh tmrrw's friday already huh....#i hate the way failure seeps in my head#i hate how it touches an aspect of myself that#my self-love is weak yet for that#it's always been hard to forgive myself regarding anything related to success#whether it be keeping up a routine or staying true to my word or doing more than what is required of me#maybe it feels like i always have pressure to do so much#only then will i be deserving and worthy#not really entirely sure what's made me like this#one may be when i've made mistakes in the past#i'm not sure but i don't think i really had the environment or support to#feels like i'm not allowed to make mistakes#i guess it hurts even more when i think of how well i used to perform#it's only ever since hs n odl that i've submitted assignments late#it's disappointing n i can't bring myself to forgive me for it bcs#i could've done so much better if. if there wasn't wtvr the fuck is wrong with me rn#whatever makes it hard to sleep. whatever makes me constantly just. in every waking moment. have the need to be productive#it hurts when even that mindset of working n all seeps in the things i love#i love learning but. academic pressure makes it lose part of that passion#being too meticulous about writing actually made me burntout n i still haven't recovered really. it's been years#when it comes to socially i just want to be me. i shouldn't have to change who i am#i've always held unto the belief that so long as i stay true to myself i'll eventually have ppl that'll. really yk appreciate me for#who i am at heart.#but then hmm bcs often i'm torn between staying true to being authentic like that or. being 'perfect'#ffxiv w endwalker n hermes w perfectionion n all that. that rlly touched me sm#alphinaud w his character development. his regrets n mistakes but. his friends....#i'm afraid of failure huh. whether it be failing literally or failing others. i have to be enough i need to be better....#i don't know what's happened to me ? i used to be so responsible n all but everything started falling apart ever since 2020 w the pandemic
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