#i could have the chapter out by sunday tbh. that is my goal.

[orcelito]

Finished rereading ladue chapter 2 and

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

[cadomoisspokenfor]

Legion Rewatch Notes,

Chapter 7:

The King In Yellow

Walter’s really putting his all into that whistling.

Kerry ended up losing Walter eventually. But I guess she was chased out of her hiding place by the zombies.

Theory: Much like how David feels most stable and confident when Syd’s around, Kerry feels most stable and confident when Cary’s around. She’s much less likely to lose a fight or get scared if Cary is in the vicinity. This would also explain why she feels so betrayed that Cary left her in Mental Clockworks. She works best when he’s around (power of love and all that) so when he’s not around she constantly feels like she’s on the ropes. Maybe only subconsciously though.

Lenny says “Hey” a lot.

So Farouk... actually seems distressed here. This is him at his least chill. He’s just shoved a person he actually cares about into a corner of their mind cause he just couldn’t understand them, the dream he’s created is collapsing and he has no plan on how to deal with it (rare for Farouk), and the location of his own body (his temple) is still lost to him after all this time.

Also, there’s apparently no specific place it could be. Farouk’s body could be anywhere on the globe. I guess he and everyone who knows about is aware that he could come back to his body if he knows where it is?

Even though it’s pointed out a lot I’ll also note that Charles is in his wheelchair in Amy’s flashback. And given future/past events (confusing, I know) this either means Farouk is the one who put him in a wheelchair, or whatever caused it happened between defeating Farouk and giving away baby David. And there’s... really not a lot of time in between those 2 events.

As we’ve seen before, while Farouk can probably see into Oliver’s ice cube residents, he can’t actually go inside or do anything to Oliver (or his guest) while he’s in there.

Farouk doesn’t want the dream to end until he’s located his body.

Cary is used to finishing Oliver’s sentences.

Cary and Oliver think very alike. The biggest difference between them I suppose is Oliver’s reality bending powers.

David never agreed to the barbershop quartet but Oliver put his name down anyways.

I never caught this before, but the thing that makes it obvious to Cary is the fact that the parasite called itself “King”. Before when watching this I thought “it’s just a name,” but I guess the point is... what other villain would be so hubris filled as to advertise who they are so openly. It speaks to the brazenness of Farouk. If Charles had ever checked back and found out David was talking to some invisible friend named “King” Farouk woulda been discovered then and there. I can only assume this means the name “King” was taunt of sorts. A joke only Farouk was in on. Not to mention, Farouk probably would never have settled for a name any less dignifying.

Oliver doesn’t remember any of his past friends, but he does remember Farouk. I wonder, did him and Cary hear about Farouk before or after Charles defeated him? Farouk hasn’t been publicly doing things for 30 years, and the only event that could reasonably be linked to him is Meiser Sunday. If they knew about him before Charles defeated him then that would just speak to his prolificness as a villain, I guess. “The Shadow King”, an unstoppable force for years until a random prodigy mutant gets him on his first try... or so they thought. I believe that’s how it happened in the comics too.

I’ll also note, Charles is an important figure in the mutant community, but it shouldn’t be discounted that the mutant community still existed and had a whole rich history before Charles even stepped on the scene. It seems like either Xaviers School doesn’t exist in this timeline, or they just don’t know about it. And given that, Summerland seemingly founded itself off the same general ideas of the Xavier School, but completely independently. Like 2 people coming up with the same idea on different sides of the planet.

Farouk’s weakness as Oliver puts it is, “He puts all of his energy into tricking David. Didn’t think to watch his six.” I wonder... is this a consistent weakness of Farouk’s? Could this be what Oliver means when he says he found his weakness in s2?

Oliver admits Farouk is too powerful for him. It’s not like he’s one to have a power complex, but it is interesting how shameless he is about it. He doesn’t really philosophize about that kind of thing, he’s matter of fact about it. Farouk’s got more measurable power than me, we need to find another way around him. He also notes though that *David* could defeat Farouk if need be. Everyone recognizes David as the top of the food chain.

Small note: I guess this is how it works between omega lvls. Always thinking of ways around each others raw abilities. Farouk knows David is too strong for him in s2, so he finds away around it. David knows he might not be able to hold out against Farouk’s built up experience, so he finds away around it. Brains over brawn every time, it would seem.

Cary feels really really bad for David. Seeing him screaming his brains out in a locked box knowing full well how much David hates small space. It’s very sweet. But also, 2 episodes Cary seemed a bit more standoffish about David. Knowing what he knows now recontextualized all those past events. David is a victim of something incomprehensibly terrible. He sees that now.

My boi Dan’s gonna need a lozenge after this one.

“We’re gonna need everybody.” They never get Ptonomy :/

I didn’t pick up on any of the other times, but Syd’s job here is to be a distraction. Sure, she has to protect the others in the process, but freeing them from the dream is the job of Cary, Oliver, and Melanie.

Still though, David is the victim who needs help here. He’s not the hero who saves them, he’s the one in need of saving. And Syd takes charge in the plan to do so and is tasked with protecting the others, making her once again closer to the hero archetype than David is. In the moment at least.

Syd’s talking fast cause they don’t exactly have all the time in the world here.

The zombies vanish but the architecture remains. There are “degrees” of real in the astral plane.

“Just thought it’d be interesting.” She’s over the whole “jumpscare haunted house” thing by now.

Silly me, the Melanie scene took place after Cary went to gather people. So it’s definitely Cary in the suit.

Melanie’s glad to see he’s back but she’s not completely love struck. Probably both cause he doesn’t remember her, and cause lovestruck Melanie was a result of her mind being altered to fit the delusion. Cary is guiding them out of the delusion so she’s back to her old self basically. Rational, and concerned with the mission.

This isn’t important, I just like how Melanie wakes him up here. It’s sweet, and bitter, cause it’s too late for him anyways.

Why does Farouk simulate this whole process for Rudy? What’s the use in tricking him if he already can barely do anything? We know Rudy gets him eventually, but it’s just surprising that Farouk recognizes him as being a potential threat.

Cary neglected to inform Syd who else he was personally waking.

Is Walter seeing the zombies too? Unclear. But he’s less chill about his tormenting now.

David starts using humor to cope. From what we’ve seen he’s been non-stop screaming for a while. It seems like he stops panicking as much specifically because his mind is fracturing to help him cope.

His first alter (that we see). Rational Mind.

RM says the coffin is just an “idea.” Very specific word choice there.

Rm tells him to forget all the “lies” he learned in memory work and the MRI. That was all Summerland stuff, though. “It’s your mind.” Essentially, trust yourself. You know who you are, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Not even your new friends. Very reminiscent of, “You decide what is real and what is not.”

David doesn’t want to call his adoptive parents his parents anymore.

David’s happy to finally contextualize Farouk as a mutant and not a mental illness. It all starts making since to him, his whole life.

RM’s the first one to say “boohoo,” and it’s in response to David’s sadness over his bio-parents giving him away.

“I am pretty, I am loved.” “Good, keep going.” This mindset David’s falling into is specifically encouraged by his alters. In fact, it’s RM that pushes him down this path in the first place. David (non-Shadow King possessed David) has been avoiding this thought all season.

David’s a bit wrong here, and I think the difference tells us something important. David assumes Farouk possessed him after he was already living in the Haller’s house. But, we know it seemingly happened before Charles even got back from Morocco. So, given that Gabrielle’s mental health was already bad from post-partum depression (alternatively, it’s just the depression she already had) and Charles leaving her alone to go to Morocco, Farouk coming in and haunting the house probably sent things over the edge. David was most likely given away because Gabrielle wasn’t well enough to care for him like he needed, and Charles... 🤷🏾‍♀️ tbh. Might just’ve not wanted to raise David without Gabrielle. They both said they didn’t ant him to turn out like them. In s3 it’s made to seem like the house haunting was a combination of David and Farouk. David’s haunting time travelly presence probably made things worse, but Farouk would’ve gotten to the baby much sooner if not for him, and without David in the way Farouk probably would’ve upped his own intentional torments. The goal was revenge after all.

David assumes Farouk’s goal is revenge upon the whole world. Makes sense since that’s what Farouk’d been encouraging David to all season. And what he’ll continue to encourage him towards throughout s2 & 3.

Syd “woke him up.” She makes him more stable and sane. She grounds him in reality.

“I was sick, but I’m not sick anymore.” A moment of quiet deliberation with his alter and then he awakens with newfound confidence and a plan. This will repeat in a very tragic way later on.

Kerry, Syd, and a damaged comrade in a wheelchair. If I had nickel for every time this happens I’d have 2 nickels. Very weird it happens twice. Unless... mental clockworks and the end of s3 are supposed to parallel each other.

I assume the astral-plane diving suit protects whoever’s wearing it from psychic threats, much like the ice cube. At the moment, no one’s wearing it.

Sometimes psychics powers require a bit of miming to manifest. Oliver can’t just wave his hand and make a shield, not a strong enough one at least. Similarly, Farouk can’t just expand his mind into the future, he needs to go through a whole time machine building process in the astral plane.

Cary and Melanie seeing Walter get killed must hit hard for them considering he used to be a student of theirs. Sure, he turned against them, but still...

They juxtapose Walter dying with Rudy fully waking up. I wonder if that means it was his powers that were keeping Rudy docile and not necessarily the stab wound.

David is the one that wakes them all up, destroys the dream, and puts them back in their real bodies. And just in time for Cary to place the halo on his head. This is I think the first time David does a real act of super-heroism. The only potential one previously is saving Amy and he wasn’t really the one in control there. This is his first win against Farouk.

David’s not only got control of his powers, but control of himself for the first time, too. And it’s to the point where he’s perceiving things at lightning speeds and moving fast enough to catch bullets. Along with whatever power he’s using to halt the bullets momentum too. For now at least, this is our hero.

They play sinister music whenever he does the bright white light teleport. He does it again at the end of s2. Is it a specific kind of teleport, or is he just adding flair?

David didn’t teleport them directly to the base.

Kerry sadly looks at Rudy’s body.

Melanie looked around for Oliver but in doing so missed him meeting up with the others.

Everyone’s relaxing after their long fought for victory. David and Syd seem really happy. They find Oliver funny/charming.

When Cary’s talking to Kerry, in the background I can barely make out everyone else talking about potatoes.

David’s fine with Amy apologizing, just not in front of the others.

Instead of “The Poor Woodcutter and His Wife” Oliver calls it the “The story of The Lady and the Crane.”

Farouk doesn’t like small spaces either. Ha.

[nordic-language-love]

Norwegian

Read 3x articles

Watched 1x Mummidalen episode

Watched 2x Kveldsnytt broadcasts

Watched 1x Nytt På Nytt episode

Wrote 708 words of fiction

italki session

Speaking practice: talked about nutrition, ADHD and Japan

Worked on a vocabulary list

Japanese

Duolingo: Food 1, Hirigana 1, 2 & 3

Practised writing basic sentences about food

Character drills (including kanji)

Norwegian

I’m really pleased with my speaking progress in my italki sessions. Even though I don’t feel like I’m getting more accurate yet, I’m certainly getting more confident, and I managed to not completely forget to pay attention to my accent/pronunciation in this week’s session. I even feel like I got the melody right at times :o So that’s really cool. I’m so glad I decided to start doing this sessions, and I’m so grateful that I get to do them once a week!

I didn’t really do as much as I wanted to this past week. I’ve been feeling burned out again. Might just be depression tbh. But I managed to squeeze some speaking practice in and I watched some TV shows and I wrote some fiction. None of it felt particularly easy. Hopefully this coming week will be better!

Favourite moment: Talking about travel with my italki tutor

Some goals for this week: Chapter 31 of Mysteriet av Nils, finish that vocab list I started making, maybe do another week of the picture describing challenge

Japanese

I always feel like it’s such a miracle when I learn something new in Japanese. Like literally I’ll learn one new word and feel like I’ve conquered a mountain or something lol. When I was first learning Norwegian I’d be like “yeah so today I studied adjectives and I learned 15 new words and I wrote a load of sample sentences” but with Japanese it’s like “I LEARNED ONE NEW WORD HOLY SHIT MOST PRODUCTIVE DAY EVER”.

I didn’t do a lot this week - mostly just refreshed very basic things on Duolingo, but then I did some character drills on Sunday and was amazed to find I could still remember the five kanji I’d learned the previous Sunday, could draw them from memory and write full (very basic) sentences with them.

I did find I’d forgotten some kanji I’d learned previously though. I’m not too sad or annoyed about it - they’re words that I currently don’t have much use for (like north/south/east/west and money and left/right). I’ll need them at some point, and when I do I’ll have a head start because I’ll have covered them before, but at the moment it just feels pointless trying to learn them without context. Although it’s handy going over them anyway for drawing practice anyway.

Favourite moment: Making and understanding sentences on Duolingo without having to use the hints

Some goals for this week: Learn how to say and write basic sentences related to myself (eg I am 28 years old, I speak English), drill characters

Productivity Grid

I meant to stretch/exercise more, but yeah, not been in the mood. I really need to force myself though because it does make me feel better.

Some non-language goals for this week:

Get in the studio for training at least once

Practise fire & flow in the garden

Stretch at least a little bit 5x

Read ~300 pages of my book

Finish tidying and organising upstairs

Job applications

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 42

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: not that many things happened but i hope you enjoy it anyway. yes, i did use the ‘tank’ tweet without any shame lmao! also, i know Louis and Eleanor broke up wayyy before that time, but it worked for the story so thats why i wrote it there.

 i want to add as many requests as i can in the next few chapters so expect a lot of fluff and smut. my goal is to post chapter 43 on sunday night sooo i hope i have enough time to finish it!

here are the requests i used for this chapter!

Chapter 42 : His chapter

NIALL

No matter how hard I tried to fall asleep on the flight back home, it wouldn't work. The seat felt uncomfortable and for some reason I couldn't understand, I felt slightly nervous. I was scared to see her, scared that she changed, scared that she thought I had changed... and at the same time, i couldn't wait to hold her, smell her, kiss her... It was early and I knew she was probably still going to be asleep when I’d come back home and all I wanted was to slither under the covers and cuddle her naked body. I missed home and I missed her and somehow, I felt like both were connected... or just synonyms.

I didn't say a word from the whole flight and when we landed, I suddenly felt extremely tired. I grabbed my backpack and walked slowly out but when I noticed her, all the tiredness inside my body suddenly left.

"Liv?" I whispered to myself with a frown.

She was not supposed to be there, she was supposed to wait for me home, but our eyes met and I realized I wanted her to be there, I needed her to be there, and she was. I dropped my backpack on the floor with a loud thud and walked quickly to her as she did the same. My heart twisted in my chest and I bent down slightly to wrap my arms on her waist and picked her up, twirling us once before putting her back down. She laughed and shook her head when our eyes met again, licking her lips. She was smiling and I was pretty sure her grin was as big as mine.

"You shouldn't pick me up." she murmured so only I could hear.

"Why?"

I frowned again but with a smile on my lips, this time.

"I'm too heavy for you."

My smile fell and I stared at her for a few seconds, raising my eyebrows and letting my hands slide from her shoulders to her arms.

"First off, you're not heavy." I pointed out, my eyes roaming on her face as I squeezed her hands gently. "And also..." I shrugged and scoffed jokingly, closing my eyes for a second before looking back at her. "I'm a strong man. An absolute tank."

She started laughing and it made me smile. I didn't realize how much I missed her laugh, her face, the warmth of her body. Why did I leave again? I couldn't seem to find a good reason.

"Oh yea, you definitely are." she replied low, nodding a bit.

"I fucking missed you, Olivia." I just admitted, ignoring her last comment. "You talked about locking ourselves home for a few days? Let's do it."

She chuckled this time but didn't answer, shaking her head but still staring at me. I let go of her wrists and brought both my hands on her cheeks to cup her face. Her eyes moved quickly on mine and dropped to my mouth before looking up again. Her lips parted and I bent down but just as I was about to kiss her, I heard her whisper.

"No PDA remember?"

My hands pressed more on her cheeks and she remained totally motionless until I shook my head too.

"Fuck that."

When my lips crushed on hers, I shut my eyes tight as something seemed to stir in my stomach. We remained motionless for a while, our mouths pressed together, and I finally deepened the kiss gently, trying to feel everything possible and impossible to feel in the moment.

"I love you so much, Nee." she whispered, making my lips curl a bit. "I'm sorry if pictures of this appear online tomorrow."

She took a step closer and grabbed my shirt with both hands, making the kiss grow intensely. My heartbeats accelerated when she whimpered in my mouth and my hands slid a bit further behind her head to finally grip her hair.

"I really don't give a fuck right now." I whispered back, allowing my lips to leave hers briefly. "I'll worry about that tomorrow."

She chuckled in my mouth and after a while, I opened my eyes again and brought her closer, wrapping my arms around her head and leaning my cheek on the top of it. I knew we should leave but I just wanted to keep her in my arms, close to me. We had been separated for six weeks and I was ready to hold her against me for as long as I had been gone. It's only when I felt a hand on my shoulder that I remembered where we were. The sounds and voices around me became suddenly clearer and I blinked a few times, loosening my embrace around my girlfriend.

"I'll text you." Willie said in a low before i nodded and smiled at Deo.

I watched them leave and sighed low, moving slightly away and looking down at Liv, just noticing she was still wearing my sweater. It made me smile and I chuckled low.

"Come on, let's go home and put this hoodie in the washing machine." I proposed, reaching for her hand and intertwining our fingers before pulling her with me. "You don't need it anymore, i'm back. And i'm not leaving again."

I watched her drive and was surprised that she didn't put her music on. She normally makes it play so loud that we can't have a discussion but instead, we were surrounded by a light and comfortable silent. We were almost home when she pulled on the side of the road, making me frown but I didn't say anything. I was surprised to see her completely break down when she parked and my heart jumped in my chest at the sight of my girlfriend, her head and arms leaning on the wheel while she sobbed so hard her shoulders were moving.

"Hey... hey, what's wrong?"

I quickly undid my seat belt and moved closer to her, pulling her against me as I tried to undo her seat belt too to get her as close as I could to me. She buried her face in my shirt and this time, I leaned my chin on her head.

"I'm here, don't worry, everything will be okay." I breathed out, squeezing her tighter. "You're okay."

I was not sure why she was crying but being reunited again seemed to affect both of us. I knew we hadn't been separated for a long time, and I also knew it was not the first time we were apart, but now that we were dating, we seemed to see things a bit differently and being so far from each other was something harder to accept.

"I'm not leaving again, okay?" I just added, kissing the top of her head. "Not without you."

She chuckled between two sobs and pulled away from me. I searched for her eyes and felt my heart twist when I saw the tears on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me." she apologized, shaking her head and avoiding my gaze.

She was about to wipe her tears but I reached for her face and ran my thumbs under her eyes to do it myself. Her cheeks were red and it made me think she probably didn't sleep much the night before.

"Do you want me to drive?"

She nodded slowly and I got out of the car, walking around it quickly just as she got out of it and once again, I took her in my arms. I felt her arms slither around me and her hands grip the back of my shirt. I didn't say anything, I just waited until she let go of me and when were both ready, I started the car again and drove in silence, reaching for her hand as often as I could and squeezing her fingers gently.

I left my bag in the lobby when I walked in and followed her to our room. I was surprised to see her take her hoodie off only to notice she was not wearing anything under it and when she pulled her sweatpants down, I also realized she went commando. I wanted to point it out to her and joke about it but instead, I swallowed hard and watched her get under the covers. Quickly, I took my clothes off too and joined her in bed, pulling her close to me. I felt her relax in my arms and when her lips brushed on my neck, I closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I didn't think it would be so tough on you. I don't want to make you cry, I don't want to make you sad. I'm sorry, petal."

I waited a few minutes to hear her answer but surprisingly, she didn't say anything. I pulled away and searched for her eyes, frowning when we made eye contact. I could read sadness on her face and I pressed my lips together. She brought one of her hands on my cheek and my first thought was that I really needed to shave. I knew she wanted to say something and she normally doesn't stop herself from talking but this time, I felt her hesitate and it stressed me.

"Talk to me." I proposed in a whisper. "You know you can tell me anything."

She blinked a few times and closed her eyes for a while before sighing and looking back at me. Her hand slid from my face to my chest and she licked her lips, swallowing hard. I knew it was tough for her and the longer it took, the more nervous I was becoming.

"We didn't talk about it yet and.. I didn't want to ruin your trip or make this about me, but I have to know, Niall." Her facial expression changed and it was painful to see. "Who's the girl your cousin was talking about, did you... did you cheat on me?"

My eyes roamed on her face as my heart broke and I could clearly see she was holding back her tears again. Did she spend three weeks thinking about that? Did she keep that inside just for me? Just to make sure I'd live my trip plenty, disregarding her own feelings?

"I didn't cheat on you." I replied seriously, staring in her eyes. "I met a bunch of incredible people and yea, I met a few girls but..." Her face changed again and I let my fingers sink in the skin of her waist. "Hey, I didn't do anything, we just... talked."

Once again, we stared at each other and she didn't talk. I tried to decipher her expressions without much success. I desperately wanted to know what she thought and how she felt but I ended up just shaking my head slightly.

"Are you mad?"

"No." she replied after licking her lips. "That would be hypocrite of me."

I frowned a bit and pulled her a bit closer.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh nothing, just that you asked Louis to check on me and apparently we get along good and... i've spent most of my time with him and we talked a lot." she explained, shrugging a shoulder. "I can't really be mad at you for talking with other girls, I guess."

I wanted to reassure her again and tell her that she was the only one for me but instead, I frowned.

"Only Louis? He didn't bring Eleanor?"

Her traits softened and she sent me a sad smile.

"They broke up."

The surprise was so strong I felt slightly dizzy.

"What? When?"

"A few days before you left." she told me with an other shrug. "He didn't want to bother you with that, but we talked a lot and even if he's clearly not over her, he feels better."

I didn't want to be jealous and if I wanted to be honest with myself, I couldn't remember the last time I was really jealous when it came to a girl and assumed it. I normally didn't focus or bother with things like that but at this exact moment, I was a bit mad at one of my best mates for the time he got to spend with my girlfriend even if it was my fault for leaving and even if i had asked him to check on her. I wanted to ask her if something happened between them but I just swallowed my question and nodded slowly.

"Is there anything else you want to ask me?"

Her lips curled into a fond smile and she shook her head.

Are we okay?"

"I trust you." she whispered, her hand brushing on my skin, stopping in the middle of my back. "We're fine."

                                                     ---

I felt her nervous next to me as we waited for our friends to come over. We had spent a few days only us, locked in the house, sharing our time between sleeping, making love, watching tv and eating, but we both knew it was time to go back to reality.

Julie and Liam were the first ones to arrive, bringing a bottle of wine that we immediately started. For some weird reason, we were both stressed to interact with Harry again, and I was not sure why. I never really found out how and why Liv and him broke up and I knew I never apologized for throwing a tantrum on that day Olivia admitted her feelings to me. I should have known back then that my anger to see them together proved that I had romantic feelings for her but I was blind and Harry hadn't deserved to pay the price for that.

I finished my glass as soon as the doorbell rang again and was surprised to see both Louis and Harry waiting behind it. I sent them a small smile and moved away to let them in but I stopped Harry as he was going to the living room.

"Look, mate." I said with a sigh, putting both my hands in my pockets. "I never got to apologize for yelling at you back at Liv's a few weeks ago. It was wrong of me. She never told me why you two broke up and when I saw you guys together again... i don't know, but i'm sorry."

He listened carefully, nodding gently, and when I was done, I saw a small smile spread on his lips.

"She never told you?" he asked, his smile growing. "We broke up because I knew she loved you and I told her. I've always known, I just tried to ignore it for a while but it was getting harder with time and around the end, it was just impossible. It's okay, i'm alright, I'm seeing someone right now, and i'm happy for both of you."

I stared at him, a bit shocked by his words even though I knew it made perfect sense. I didn't want to lose my friend, and knowing he wasn't mad at us was a relief, even if it felt a bit selfish of me.

"Thanks, i'm happy for you too."

I took my hands out of my pockets to hug him just as I noticed Olivia coming out of the kitchen from the corner of my eyes. She squealed and threw herself in Louis' arms and I pulled away from Harry to look at them interact. I knew I was not going to be fond of their friendship but I didn't know just how tough it would be. I watched as they hugged and when he brought his hand on one of her cheeks to bring her to him and kiss her other cheek, I held my breath. This horrible feeling started spreading inside me like poison in my veins and I hated myself for letting it get to me.

"They got closer in the past weeks." Harry explained as I kept staring at my girlfriend. "Poor Louis, it sucks for him and El, she really was the love of his life."

"Apparently, he found comfort in the love of my life." I let out with a groan, pushing my hands back in my pockets.

"Wow."

I turned to Harry before glancing back at Louis and Liv.

"What?"

"Are you fuckin' jealous?" Harry chuckled, his lips parted and his eyebrows raised in surprise. "Never thought i'd see that in my life."

"I'm not jealous, I mean," I shrugged. "They're just friends."

"Yea your head knows that but your heart's fighting that conclusion, isn't it?" Harry added, making me grimace. "And you tell yourself that you and Liv were only friends at first, too."

My face twisted in a bigger grimace and I closed my eyes.

"Thanks, Harry, hadn't thought about that."

"Look, she's not doing anything wrong. You left for almost two months and she trusted you. You're constantly surrounded by attractive women, so now you know how hard it must be for her."

I turned to him and frowned a bit, my lips forming a smile.

"Did you become the little angel on my shoulder or something?" I asked, making him chuckle.

"All I'm saying is, you may want to think about that next time a girl flirts with you." he pointed out, taking a step closer to me. "But i'm gonna tell you one thing I know... Olivia would never cheat on you, she's totally in love with you. The first time we had sex, I woke up in the middle of the night and she was whispering your name."

I turned my head his way so fast that I thought I had broken something. His confession made my heart skip a bit and I frowned again.

"She didn't tell you about that either?" he wondered as I shook my head. "Yea, I told her about it but I can understand why she didn't mention it. I just said that to make you realize that it's always been you. And that?" he pointed to Louis and Liv with his chin. "That is not gonna change the feelings she has for you."

I turned again to look at my girlfriend with Louis' arm around her shoulders. He was holding his glass up, making the three others laugh, and Liv leaned her head on his shoulder.

"I hope you're right."

                                                 ---

I tried to ignore the jealousy inside me for the rest of the night and it was getting easier with time, especially when Olivia would come to kiss me, put her hand on my thigh or just randomly cuddle me. I never enjoyed to show affection much in front of people but I was starting to like it with her.

"Okay guys, let's take a selfie!" I shouted after a few drinks.

We all got up and I held Liv closer to me as I tried to get everyone in the picture and finally posted it online with a short caption. We all sat back on the couch or the floor and Louis came back with a few more beers and an other glass of wine for my girlfriend.

"So Neil, how was your trip?"

"Incredible." I let out before relating a few stories.

We all laughed and when the discussion drifted to something else, I started thinking about the girl I had lusted for half a second. I felt a hand squeeze mine and turned around, my eyes meeting Liv's and my heart skipping a beat but I licked my lips and forced a smile. It scared me to think she may have felt the same thing for someone else, even if I knew it wouldn't mean anything. It didn't mean we weren't meant to be, did it? The truth was, I had always thought Louis and Eleanor were the most stable, real and strong couple in the world and now they were over. What did it mean for Olivia and I? Was it something we would inevitably have to go through? Would we both lust other people and end up falling for someone else after a while? Could we even survive the next few years as a couple? After all, we were young and I planned to keep on doing music. I wanted to record albums, go on tour and live my life to the fullest... I didn't even know if she was ready to follow me through all that.

"Niall, hey, are you okay?"

I blinked a few times and grabbed her other hand, moving my upper body closer to hers and pecking her lips.

"Yea, I'm good, just tired."

"Do you want an other beer?"

I sent her a fond smile and nodded slowly. "Thank you petal."

Her hand reached for my cheek and I felt her thumb caress my stubble gently for a few seconds before she got up and left. My eyes followed her until she was out of sight and I sighed a bit too loud, leaning back against the couch. It's only after about 10 minutes that I realized she was not coming back. I got up to see if she was okay and found her sitting on the kitchen's counter, her eyes glued to her cellphone. As I got closer, I realized she was crying and I frowned, walking quickly to her and putting my hands on her thighs.

"Love, why are you crying?"

Her eyes met mine and my heart broke. I loved this girl and i didn't know why but sometimes, it just hit me so bad that I could feel my whole body throb.

"They all hate me." she breathed out, making me frown again.

Slowly, I took her phone from her hand and looked at the screen. She was looking at the picture I had posted a few hours ago on instagram, probably due to the notifications she received, and I scrolled down to read a few comments. They were all talking about her sketchy relationship with Louis and how close they had seemed to be during my absence. The number of insults about her were unbelievable and rude and my lips parted as I read people calling her a 'cheater', 'fame thirsty', and things even more horrible.

I shook my head and put her phone away on the counter, pulling her closer to me and searching for her eyes.

"Hey, Olivia look at me." I asked in a murmur. "Please, honey, look at me."

The love name made her look up and I licked my lips.

"You are none of these things they call you, they don't know shit about you, and I trust you." I expressed slowly, keeping eye contact. "Don't let them make you cry, don't let them ruin your day."

I didn't want to tell her it would always be like that and that it'd be worse now that we were dating. I didn't want to tell how cruel some people had been online to girls around me. I didn't want to risk losing her over it and I wanted to protect her.

"Olivia, i'm so fucking in love with you."

Her face changed but I kept staring at her and although I knew my last words had nothing to do with what she was going through, I felt her body relax a bit and let out a low sigh of relief. Slowly, she got off the counter and I took a step back to give her space. She tilted her head, staring at me with her lips parted, and grabbed my shirt, pulling me closer gently.

"Say it again."

My lips curled with amusement and I chuckled.

"I'm so fucking in love with you." I repeated slightly louder. "You're the love of my life."

"One more time." she asked, this time making me laugh.

"I am so fucking in love with you, petal. And you're the love of my life."

If she wanted to hear it all night, i'd repeat it all night, as long as it would help keep that smile on her face. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her closer as she moved her chin up to keep looking at me.

"Tell me every day." she whispered more seriously.

I let my eyes roam on her face, my amused smile turning into a fond and loving one.

"I promise."

[jackednephi]

On daily scripture study

Kind of a long post. I'm on mobile so no cut. Sorry :(

Ok so I'm gonna try doing something this year that I haven't in the past and that's reading my scriptures every single day. In the past, I've been hindered by like approaching it as the Ideal like we learn in seminary which is Deep Study every single day. Obviously, I ended up failing because that's such a lofty goal. I mean, it always ended up being good for me because it would inevitably deepen my study. I'd involve Google in with the footnotes and get really deep into things. Like the post I have forever ago about Nephi's sword type of thing. But research rather than happenstance and it's part of why I know so much about kosher laws off the top of my head

Something else I think has been a hindrance to this goal has been the idea that I need to bust out my physical scriptures to do so and, at least when I was in high school, the only comfortable place I had to do this was the couch in the living room. Also, if I'm being honest, I was definitely doing Way Too Much (as is the common Mormon trap tbh) But I'm not doing Way Too Much because what work I get is by no means full time. I do what I can around the house, but that's limited to weather, spoons, and so on. I'm in the process of applying for disability but that's not an all day, every day type of affair. I'm going back to school eventually and studying for the GRE in the meantime but, again, even with all this, I have a lot of open time. And I have a comfy bed if nowhere else

ALL THAT SAID, I wanted to know if anybody used the LDS library app for reading and how that worked out. I figured if I can make time to read bits of fanfiction/otome apps every day, then I can try to read the scriptures every day. Also, is the app good for study? I know it's good for church use so will be good for casual reading but a big reason I haven't relied on it for daily reading is that I'm worried about relying on it for regular study

I mean, I've always been partial to physical books and scriptures (I can write in them and I like the heft and can use them even when headaches crop up) but I need to be realistic with myself. Sometimes I can't even get out of bed for hip pain and can't even prop myself up to read a physical copy. Plus, I do NOT want my kids (the buns for those of 6ou unaware) thinking it's something they can destroy cause we give them phone books and stuff to shred and scriptures are similar enough. But again, not sure if the app is good enough for me to kind of "retire" my scriptures so to speak. Especially since I really, really, REALLY like marking them and writing notes in them. I know there's a little notebook thing but, again, I've been reluctant to explore it because I was pretty sure there was no way it could be as good as physically writing

How does everyone else approach what to study too, by the way? Do y'all go "I will study what we are in Sunday school this year" or do you just eat up the BOM year after year instead? Do you switch it up from day to day just going wherever? Do you start with the ensign and work from there? Conference talks? Because that's technically scripture too, right? Also, would it be a good idea to maybe record my progress in my journal I use for scriptures and study maybe? Like the date, where I read from and to, maybe some quick notes? Or would that be too ambitious for now? I was thinking it would be good to see if I've been actually accomplishing reading every day and adjust accordingly if I wasn't. Maybe printing out a little calendar or chart and giving myself a cute little sticker as a reward for that day to mark my progress

Like the goal is to get myself to make this a habit. It has never ever been a habit for me and that definitely needs to change. Like I do read scriptures but never daily like we're told. I want to give myself as much opportunity for success as possible and, considering I'm 25, I clearly have yet to figure out what I need to do for success. I'd tried every day in the mornings in high school but needed to wake up at 430 to do that due to morning JROTC practice three days a week and seminary the other two. Then, who's going to wake up that early on the weekends to keep that kind of habit? Not a growing, anorexic, overscheduled teenager, that's who

Then, I'd have after school stuff. Drama, choir practice, viola practice, fencing, or karate depending on the year, piano practice/lesson every day except Sundays, JROTC stuff depending on time of year and if stuff was coming up, a MOUNTAIN of homework, and by the time all that was done, it wasn't like I was in any shape to do more studying. I wanted to play video games or draw or read or otherwise destress. Then, I was inactive in college so why would I go out of my way to form (let alone keep) a daily scripture habit

So do I go for a same time every single day type thing? I attribute the past failure of that to circumstance. A set time is fine when I have/remember to take my meds. But that will probably fall apart other days and habits are consistent things. Maybe I should aim for, instead of a time, more of a "as soon as I wake up, have had food and meds" type of flexible thing so I'm not beating myself up for sleeping in until noon when I meant to get up at 8? Or do y'all find later in the day better because you're not having to worry about the Rest Of The Day setting in on you? I'm thinking after me waking might be best so I'm not feeling guilty for taking time away from my family

Regarsing frequency, should I start with doing it as often as possible? Shoot for once a week then slowly increase it? Go whole hog and get it done daily even if it's just a couple minutes? I genuinely do not know. The year my family and I read the BOM every day together, I was in elementary and not doing too much. We did four chapters a day, more if they were short and less if they were long, but my parents really were the ones who dictated that so I don't really know how to do that myself

Anyway, I really want to make sure this goal sees success and then, in time to come, I can deepen it to be rigorous study rather than just reading every day. Thus all the questions. I also know different people are different and what may work for y'all may not work for me. But I would like real answers as to how y'all do your scripture habits as opposed to like Advice y'know? Like get real specific with it so I can have a good idea of what works for different people so I have a concrete idea of things to try

Nobody is obligated to answer any of these questions by the way. Just I wanted to ask them and throw this out there to all of tumblrstake so I could get a good range of answers. Daily scripture study is such a nebulous concept to me that I definitely need concrete examples as opposed to vague advice. Also no I'm not gonna pray about how to know how to do things. HF doesn't work like that. I mean I will pray for guidance to know when things are working or not but I can't do that until I'm actively Doing The Thing and how am I supposed to actively Do The Thing if I don't really even have a starting place

Like do I hit up the church website and comb through conference talk after conference talk about "read your scriptures daily" in hopes of finding a more practical how to? I'd think there would be less of that and more admonishing. I was also born in the church so idk if converts get some kind of lesson from the missionaries the rest of us don't about how to read daily. If so, can we like spread that to the general populous? Cause I would appreciate it

Anyway, sorry for the wall of text. Vann had Questions

Feel free to hit up my inboxes by the way. I do read everything even if some asks sit there for like months at a time because I never get around to answering them

[collectiveyou-blog]

@padfootagain

After a delay for the holidays, I’m excited to share the lovely Carole @padfootagain is this week’s writer of the week! So excited to share her story with you all. Check out her blog and read some of her wonderful writings. Send some love this week as January is @faficowrimo as well!

An admin note as well: wotw will be posted Sundays each week from now on.

Tell us a little about yourself.

Well, hello! Thank you for doing this, this is so much fun!

So, my name is Carole, aka padfootagain. I am 23, I’m French and I am doing a PhD in nanomaterials (basically, chemistry). I have a Master’s degree in Physics and Chemistry, with a specialty in Nanosciences and I am doing a PhD because I want to be a researcher :)  I love cinema in general, books, music and drawing. And obviously, I love writing :) I have fallen a few years ago in the pit of fandoms, and I don’t think I’ll get out of it, not that I want to, to be honest. Which explains why I write fanfictions!

What do you currently write?

Oh dear… I write for quite a lot of fandoms. It started with the Marauders (so HP) and it got completely out of hand and now I also write for Narnia, the MCU, Star Wars, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Stranger Things, Poldark, LOTR and a handful of characters played by Ben Barnes (yes, I’m a fan of this actor). I also write for a few actors. I write original stories that are not fanfics as well. And I write both one-shots and series, long and short. I have a tendency to write more than I intended to at first :) I write with reader-insert and OCs alike.

When did you start writing? Do you remember your first piece of fan fiction? What was it about?

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t writing, really. I think that as soon as I was able to use a pen, I started writing. I’ve always loved stories and had a wild imagination, so it was a good way to control my crazy brain (it still is).

The first real piece of fanfiction that I posted is a Jily, Sirius Black x OC fic that I posted on fanfiction.net (I wasn’t on tumblr yet at the time), and it is a very long one… 70 chapters. I liked it very much tbh and I took around a year and a half to write it. It was basically about their 6th and 7th year at Hogwarts.

But if you want the real funny story, then the first piece of fanfiction I wrote was when I was seven. And I had no idea what a fanfiction was, at the time, obviously, but without knowing it I actually wrote one! We had to present a book for school, and I wanted to present Peter Pan, because it was my favourite book. But one of my classmates stole my idea and presented this book first, and I was very upset about it. I tried to negotiate with my teacher, but he didn’t want me to present that book, saying that I couldn’t present the same story as one of my classmates.

Huge mistake from my teacher here. He said I couldn’t talk about the same story, not the same characters! So I wrote a story with Peter Pan and I presented it to the class! It was about a treasure hunt and I did drawings for it and everything. I still have it. It was ridiculous but I reckon the story is funny. And that was my first fanfic!

Why reader insert?

I find reader inserts very interesting. When I started on tumblr, and learnt about that way of writing, I had spent around two years writing for OCs, and I was looking for a challenge, honestly. So I started to write one-shots, when before I had only written very long series. And I also tried reader inserts as another challenge. It requires to change your style of writing quite a lot and to be careful not to reveal details so readers can identify with what you’re writing. And I love doing it! I’ve never liked very much describing my OCs in terms of appearance, so it was quite liberating, as with reader insert I had to avoid that. Also, I write series with that style, because even if you have to try to not describe how this Y/N looks like, I’ve never considered that I shouldn’t develop her/his personality any less than for an OC. So I still have fun creating characters, I just change my style of writing, really. And even if now there’s not really any challenge in that anymore for me, I still use it all the time. Also, on a purely practical way… I don’t like choosing names for my OCs and this is the best solution! Especially for one-shots. I have more than 200 stories on tumblr, I would have never been able to choose so many names!! So… there is also this lazy part of me :)

If someone wanted to get into your writing, what piece would you have them start with and why?

Ooooh… that is a good question… I write quite a lot of fluff. I don’t write any smut at all. I do write some things with angst too (I’m a writer, I like torturing my readers from time to time, like any writer), but I also love writing fluff. I think that lots of people are snobbing the sweet stories nowadays, but I love a good happy ending, and some cute moments, and a love story that is sweet and ends with a ‘and they lived happily ever after’. Call me cheesy, if you’d like, I’m proud to be so!

So… I guess that a good one to start would be a series that I wrote for Caspian (Narnia), called A Recipe For Love. It’s pretty popular, amongst my readers, I think. It’s very cute, and has a bit of angst too. It’s about Caspian falling in love with a cook working in his Castle. I think it’s a good start for my stories.

You are currently working on a winter event filled with delightful seasonal themed prompts. Tell us more about that!

I very often organize events on my blog, because I love talking with my readers and I want to make them happy! So, to celebrate the winter season and the fluff that goes with it, I wrote a list of prompts, and my readers can pick up a few of those prompts, and a character from my masterlist, and I write a little one-shot for them :) They can’t send requests anymore, it was for a limited time, but I’m writing the stories now! I’m going to keep doing this for a few weeks. I just love writing cute stories, really… ;)

What are your goals for your writing moving forward?

…

…

I’d like to finish the series I’ve started… Is that a goal? I don’t have goals when it comes to writing tbh. I just write what inspires me and makes me happy! I don’t pretend to be talented enough to be published, and I only write because I love it. So, I don’t have goals. I just want to enjoy myself, and I hope that the love I pour into my stories transpires enough to make a few people happy too :)

What are you currently reading?

I am reading a very cute book called Let It Snow, which is composed of three love stories taking place during a blizzard. It was written by John Green, Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle. It’s very sweet and very funny, I like it! It goes with the season :)

Do you have any advice for new writers?

Several people asked me for advice before, and I even made a few posts about that, but tbh… the best advice that I could give is to know when you should not care about advice.

When I started to really write a lot and to create long stories (not as fanfictions, but other stories) I was on my own. And I loved writing them, but as I could feel that it was a serious thing to me, I looked for advice on the internet. I thought that it couldn’t hurt, and that having advice from professionals could help me getting better. But actually, I realized that my way of writing was completely different from the advice I read! Especially, I’ve always hated to plan my stories. And everyone will advise you to plan your story. So, I tried to follow this advice, and a few others, thinking that I was doing it all wrong before. But it completely killed the joy I had for writing. I was asking myself tons of questions, and trying to apply rules that clearly didn’t fit me, and I ended up stopping to write for more than a year. Until one day, I started to write something else, deciding not to take into account the advice that I had seen before. And here I am. Not planning my stories, and having no clue of where I’m going, and having too many ideas for my own good, but I’m writing. And I’m enjoying what I write and I love writing these stories.

Now, I’m not saying that all advice are bad. But I think that when you just start writing, you look up to other writers and try to use the same techniques as they do, which is normal. And it’s important at the beginning to try tons of styles and ways to write to find your own way to write. But you shouldn’t forget that you and this writer you admire are different people, and your brains don’t work the same! There’s no shame in writing your story your own way, even if your favourite writer doesn’t write like that at all! On the contrary. I think it’s important to stop torturing yourself trying to get something perfect, and just actually write something you want to write and, more importantly, the way that makes you the happiest. And if you have to write your story without any plan and make a mess to do it, then I think that you should do it. Writing is such a liberating thing, it’s a shame to lose this freedom and joy because you’re trying to fit in categories and techniques. Just write what you like, the way you like, and you’ll be a happier writer :)

@padfootagain

padfootagain Masterlist

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

8 things finishing my 8th book taught me

*I wrote this post on the 16th of October, for the record!*

Hey People of Earth!

So just like in the post I wrote up in January when I finished my seventh novel, this is kind of nuts to say, and I didn't think I’d be writing this for another month, but uh.

I finished my eighth book.

jskwiclksalwkmevlqk

I’m going to quote past me in that particular post (which you can read HERE) because if this isn't scary accurate, I dunno what is:

So I kind of made a stupid, somewhat fleeting goal this past Friday, as I usually do. And that was to finish this book at all costs.

It doesn't *really* surprise me that that I finished my seventh novel, and then my eighth under the same parameters, lol. (Both were finished on Sunday nights too, I believe?)

I genuinely can’t believe this book is over. It’s been eight months of writing this novel (HA eight months for my eighth book) and I can say I’m genuinely so sad it’s over. I walked around today feeling like I lost an important part of myself which is really dramatic seeming as though I just finished the book, but I hope someone out there relates.

I started this book right after finishing my seventh novel (book four in this series), and I’ll be honest--I was so scared about writing this book. Book seven gave me a really hard time, and I almost thought I’d made a mistake in a) continuing this story and b) taking it in the direction I did. I couldn't evade fear when writing this novel. Starting it took me a while because it was so nerve-wracking to think it could be as much of a struggle as the last. I didn't want to fail because I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to pull myself out of that rut, and then end up with an unfinished series.

Annnnnnd then I started my Doing the Write Thing updates, and all of that worry faded a bit. I started DtWT at a little under 10k words, and reached a little under 160k through that series. It kept me accountable. It excited me, and more than anything, motivated me. I know I mentioned this in DtWT #61, but thank you again for supporting that series so much, and for reading those posts. Genuinely, it means a lot to share my work with you, and to see my work improve as each post passes. I really don't know if I would’ve finished this novel without that series. It really kicked me into the gear of writing again, and gahhhh, thank you again.

FOSTERED #5 houses some of my best work, but most importantly, taught me so, so much, and so, here I bring to you, eight things finishing my eighth novel taught me.

1. I really care about writing.

This is my eighth book, and I can confidently say this is the only one in which I cared about the writing from start to finish. (Sounds strange, but I’ll explain.)While writing is a lot of things, at its core, writing is writing, and it took me eight books to really immerse myself in words and enjoy using them as tools to create something beautiful. I crave beautiful prose—a desire I didn’t really feel until writing this book. Making sentences read and sound like art is what I strive for now. 

From books 1-6, writing wasn't my top priority. Telling a story no matter the quality was my priority, and while that isn't wrong, I think working with that mindset for so long wasn't becoming enough for me. I needed to re-evaluate, and really focusing on the craft of writing, rather than storytelling was what I needed. Of course, writing also includes good storytelling, but I feel, looking back on it, that until halfway around book seven, I didn't even think about the writing. I didn't edit it all that much, and most importantly, didn't care about writing. I liked words, yeah, and enjoyed creating the random nice sentence here and there, but I didn't view it as something I could use to create art. Now, good writing means a lot to me, and while I don't think my writing is perfect, and could use improvement, I’m so happy with the improvement I’ve made and the love of actual writing I’ve procured start-to-finish through it. :)

2. Sometimes acceptance takes time.

Book four of this series (my seventh novel) took me a very, very long time to accept, and even after I’d written it, I wasn’t confident in the route I’d taken it. I still had the same worries when writing book five and it took a whole lot of crying to realize that I’m very proud of how these last two books turned out. I’m an emotional person, but don't often show my emotions, so it’s sort of funny looking back how much I cried when writing this book, HA. I had a lot of worries about this novel, and my anxiety was eating me alive every time I wrote it. That was my issue in the beginning, but I found, the more time went on in writing this book, the more I accepted it, and the more I grew to really love it. So, if you’re in a position like me, and you’re seriously not feeling your book, sometimes time is the best remedy.

3. Moments like these are the ones you need to cherish.

When I was writing the last paragraph or so of this book, I got really emotional (lol how do I say that without sounding melodramatic). I didn’t cry or anything, but it felt like I was losing something. It was bittersweet. I’ve never felt this way before when I’ve finished a novel. It’s honestly usually been me moving onto the next book the same day or the next day, or feeling content.

But this… was something else. It was letting go of something I loved so much. I learned through this book that every time you write your book is time you should cherish. It’s something you spend a chunk of your life on. Moments happen around your book, and your book is there with you to experience them. This book in particular holds such a strong place in my heart because it gave me--as cheesy as it sounds lol rip--some new hope.

I learned to love the book I write when I write it even if it’s a pain. To cherish my time with this book, and to take my time. It hurt to finish it, honestly, I guess it’s particularly angsty for me to say I feel this grief for something that hasn't left me. I’m so glad it’s done, but it was like closing the door to a chapter I didn’t want to end. It had to end in that spot, rightfully so, but I wanted to hang onto it for as long as I could. I genuinely appreciate every moment I had to write this book, looking back. And I’m so happy I learned so much through it.

4. Taking your time isn’t a bad thing.

This sort of bounces off that last one, but this is a lesson I learned the hard way. My average drafting time before I wrote my seventh book was 3 months. This book, as I mentioned, took me eight months, and before then, the longest it’d taken me to write a novel was six months, and that was the hardest book I’d ever written. A big issue I had when I was writing book four in this series was that I felt as if taking three months longer than my average to draft was a telling sign that I was struggling with the book. I can pretty much say writing this novel was a bit of a breeze (it had its moments, but overall), and taking my time helped in terms of quality. A disclaimer, the time it takes to write a book varies from writer to writer, so this is completely personal, but I feel like taking a little longer writing this book realllyyyyyyy amped it up in the prose department.

Not to roast past me, but yooooo my older books lacked a lottttttttt of literary merit, like where is the good writing cuz I see none, lol. Not to say this book is amazing and the writing is excellent, but I do see a substantial improvement from my older stuff. So yes, initially when I started writing this book I was keen on finishing it in three months and rushing it so I could just be done and write something else. But as time went on, I realized that there is no rush. Even though I constantly feel at rush in my life (for mental health reasons I don't want to get into now, but if you’re curious, let me know!), I learned to take it slow. Enjoy the writing process, and create something at the end of the day, regardless of how long it takes.

5. I’m growing up.

A common question I posed while writing this book to myself and to my sister was well where did all the fun times go? Books 1-3 in this story are pretty juvenile—more banter between characters, ‘missions’, and so on, but as I aged, I found those things dried up and turned into just straight melancholy? (lol) I don’t have many if any fun times in book five, not in the sense I defined fun times as at least in the past. This series has spanned five books, and three years of my life, so I’ve done a lot of growing up since writing the first one. Its message and morals have gone from super obvious to pretty ambiguous, and the lines of morality have been blurred quite a bit (which I enjoy incorporating into my writing now). Right and wrong aren’t as easily spotted (and tbh this book is totallllyyyyy not suited for a YA audience lol content is hella graphic but), and a lot of it is rooted in the darkest corners of the human mind. I don't know if 13-year-old me would’ve expected these books to wind up in this path, but 16-year-old me is cool with where it is. I left a lot of me in these books, and pretty much grew up with them. It’s strange to have captured so much growth of myself personally in these novels, but this is already something I've learned to cherish.

6. I might actually be a true Pantser (but we’ll see)

So if any of you have been following this blog since the good ol’ 2015 days, it’s common knowledge that I made it clear I was a Pantser. I pantsed everyyyythiiiiingggg. In recent years, I’ve decided to start outlining projects I plan on publishing (for the most part, excluding ALANNIS) just so I can see what I’m getting into before I start. The FOSTERED series, since it’s all personal stuff, isn’t going to be published. I pants these books, but occasionally, and I found this happened a lot more with book five, I’ll write up ‘scene screenplays’ which are basically just the bones of a scene.

OH did I find out that writing with a guideline does noooottttt work for me. I’m not going to say anything here is permanent, but I pretty much realized my writing with my outline VS without one is drastically different... I’m not actually happy about this discovery to be honest, as I've already started outlining a couple projects, and the struggle was so real when writing with an outline for this novel. I really do hope this is not the case, and was just subjective to this book, but yes, this was a major lesson I picked up on when writing this particular book (and I reallllllllyyyyyyyy hope this changes)!

7. I like writing really sad, dark things

This is sorta morbid, I’m sorry, but I’m really into writing all things dark and upsetting and overall, enjoy a darker tone in my writing. I noticed, if I had any ‘happier’ scene, it’d take me a little longer to write/I had more trouble writing it. Don’t know what that says about me, but as someone who is sort of naturally on the darker side (edgy af the edge is real), it makes sense that I do enjoy the not so pleasant sides of the mind, and life. Or, I’m just really angsty, and angst (poetic angst in this book, I’ll say) is all you need. Love is all you need more like angst is all you need.

*angst*

I don't think there’s anything particularly wrong with enjoying writing darker things, and I noted that I often struggle writing joy. Honestly this is just sad, lol. (But I mean look at my boi Edgar, he wrote lots of dark things and I mean that's my dude now speaking of Edgar, the epigraph of this novel [which I’m including, even if the others don’t because epigraphs are aesthetic goals] is an Edgar quote and Edgar is my bro.)

8. I love this book so much, and if I could go back and tell myself I would have when I started it, I would.

I worried a lot when I started this novel. I worried it would fail, that it would get nowhere, that it would end unfinished, that I’d taken it the wrong route, that it would take too long to write, that I wouldn’t enjoy what I was writing, that the plot was dumb, that I focused on the wrong things, that the first chapter wasn’t strong enough, and a whole other laundry list of worries pretty common between writers. I really would go back to my past self and tell her not to worry. To tell her that just because she wrote this book and said she wouldn't, doesn't mean the product would be shitty. I’m genuinely proud of this novel, and I don't know if I’ve said that in a long time. I’m happy I wrote it. Happy I poured eight months of my life into it, and most importantly, am happy it taught me so many valuable lessons. I’m happy I got to connect with you on another level through it, and happy I carried it with me through this stage of my life. It saw my hatred, and my worst moments, my great moments, my worry, and every other emotion I also tried to share on here. Books are books, but this one felt like a friend. I’m sad to lose my friend now, but I’m thankful for the time we spent together. This got all sappy again, but yes. Thank you, book. I will miss writing you, lol.

So that’s it for today’s post. I had a blast writing this. It’s always a nice reflective period to go back in time and really point out what exactly I learned through this journey. I think this novel shaped me a lot as a writer, and I’m happy to move into other projects without it, because I feel like I know a lot more than I did before. Thank you for being on this journey with me, and for reading through everything that happened in these last eight months. I truly appreciate everything you give me, and couldn't express my thanks enough.

Aaaaand before I leave, a mega thanks to my dudes who continuously supported this journey: @sarahkelsiwrites, @sssoto and @shaelinwrites for listening, encouraging, and teaching me so many things about writing.

See you in the next one. :)

--Rachel

[inkofamethyst]

March 29, 2020

hahhahahaha i am FREAKING OUT

Day 89 of the cute campaign: I mean I washed my face, so,

Day 17 of quarantine: I wish I was back at school.  Sundays are work-days for me, unlike for my parents who are loudly watching Frozen 2.  The problem is that I kinda want to listen, so I can’t bear to tell them to turn it off despite the fact that it’s a total distraction from my studies cramming for tomorrow.

I’m really very thankful for all these recent studyblr posts about how to do online learning and keep a schedule and such.  I lowkey wanna do the thing where you get dressed up ridiculously for each class.  Like, I’ll wear fancy dresses and put on crazy lipstick colors and maybe even do some wild eyeshadow and eyeliner stuff because why the heck not.  It’ll make me a bit more excited to wake up and prep myself on MTuWF (Th I don’t think I have any face-to-face classes so far, but idk what my math TA is doing which is weird because he’s never had a problem before when it came to emailing my discussion section, so).  I can do, like themes or something.  Like one day is the 20′s (the roaring ones, not the 2020s where we’ve been scared of the world ending, like, three times in three months or something).  One day can be a princess day (I’ve got a ballgown lol), I can do a greek theme (last year’s prom dress y’all), pirate theme (I’ve got this wack top from Hot Topic and I could totally make an eyepatch), and I’ve got a few fancy-ish blazers and dress shirts too.  I’ve got a leather jacket and gum to do a biker theme, and I’ve got a white off-the-shoulder top to maybe do, like, a renaissance theme.  As soon as I figure out how to change my zoom background, it’ll be over for everyone.  ...I’ll get started planning these out.  During a study break, of course.

Besides that, there’s soooooo much that I’ve got to get done today.  As in, these tasks absolutely must be finished by today.  That list includes the following (by the way, many of these are totally things I could’ve done over the past two weeks)

review chapters 8, 6, and 3 for my orgo exam tomorrow (in addition to reviewing all the skills from the last��exam because these are ~cumulative~)

this will involve three packets of material, a practice exam, extra practice, two quizlets (one from last exam and a half-finished one for new material), combining my notes from lecture, discussion, the book, and supplemental material, and looking at the posted answers for all of the practice problems to actually understand what I should be getting from the material

aka, I really screwed myself over

watch two and a half math lectures online of new material

figure out the answer to the orgo homework I’ve had for two and a half weeks now

finish the lab report for anatomy (this is at least halfway done though and shouldn’t take more than two hours if I stay focussed tbh)

The main thing is the studying for orgo.  The math lectures will take two and a half hours max, I think.  And I can split those studies with other things I need to work on/look at (too many for me to list out just to depress myself).  I’ll figure out a schedule for today.  I have to at this point in order to ensure that I get a decent amount of sleep before the exam.  Minimum of six hours of sleep required, so a bedtime of 2:30 am must be enforced, goal of 2:00 and before.

I think I’m going to start using the app Forest again to track my work time.  The incentive of growing a forest will help me want to work more I think (at least it did during final’s season last semester), so I’m going to give it a shot.

Aight, well.  As they say, “until tomorrow...”

(I don’t even get the dumb Instagram until tomorrow trend and I’m too disinterested to actually look it up, so my ignorance is my own fault because I’m 98% sure that Buzzfeed has already done an article about it.)

[elizabethschoices]

The Royal Romance, Chapter 6: My Thoughts

Okay finally getting to it i’m so sorry omfg last Friday I had dinner with the mechanic I’ve been talking about, I worked Saturday and did yard work Sunday, and Monday I can’t even remember why I didn’t get to it, Tuesday my laptop was being weird, and yesterday I FINALLY got to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and it was AWESOME!

Alright, still the day of the Derby. We’re walking and talking with Hana and she tells us we’re about to head to some dainty, boring party. Typical, but whatever, hand over the finger foods! Honestly, tea parties aren’t really my thing. No hate, just disinterest. Too dainty for me. I’m the chick that literally stood in the rain just about every day this week as she worked and didn’t even wipe off her glasses.

OMG it’d be funny as shit if it started raining. Make this story interesting and less rom-comey.

(Kinda like how the FBI is now less James-Comey. :P)

What is a tea cozy? According to Hana, it’s like a sweater for a teapot. OH IT’S LIKE WHAT YOU PUT A BEER BOTTLE IN I’M DUMB

Judging by Hana’s story, she was a lonely kid. How sad. Children should have friends and the ability to make such friends. I’d love to have a lifelong friend. Unfortunately for me, I kept moving all over the country.

Hana’s met the Queen before, but doubts she’ll remember her. Oh I so hope she does. I want Hana’s backstory to be some shady shit because I promise you I will flip so quickly to her because the prince is of course lovely and I adore him, and let’s be real, Drake is my salty soulmate, but really neither of the two are truly interesting right now.

Hana’s car pulls up and she’s gone. Maxwell pulls up and we get into the limo, and as usual Bertrand’s stick is a little too far up his ass. Are people truly like this, or is it just in the fiction world? I mean, that mechanic I’m always talking about can be a really grumpy old man, but he’s not always a grump. Of course, whenever I’m around he smiles and is happy, and then when I’m gone (according to my grandpa) he goes right back to being a grump with the realest RBF there is.

Ohh, I wonder if MC has the opposite impact on Bertrand? Like, he’s a cool guy when she isn’t around, but when she is his asshole is suddenly like SHIT GET THE STICK BACK IN HERE and sucks it up real quick.

I apologize for existing. Sometimes.

Hana and I are becoming friends. Bertrand seems to be generally supportive of the ‘alliance’ though I’m cool with her because she’s cool, not because I want to use her or her status. I wonder if Bertrand is lonely at night. You have to be if you’re going to be so jaded.

Today’s goal has to be impressing the Queen, as her opinion or whatever holds the most value. Now I really wish I had that cute outfit on, because this Bluebelle is not cutting it.

Hm, this is kind of a hard question. What she likes could be just too blatantly obvious if we go with that. But just because she hates something doesn’t mean she likes something else. Decisions, decisions... I mean, honestly just tell me both.

I’ll go with what she likes. Maybe (doubtfully) there will be something in common. Though I feel like we’ll relate more on things we hate. I feel like the Queen is kind of like a salty bitch who lives at like a base level of 20% salt.

The Queen likes fashion (we already lose) and a woman with grace and style. I’ve got style, just no money. She also likes Cordonian natives. Maxwell believes we have a natural charm that will make her like us. Bertrand probably doesn’t. Fuck Bertrand.

(Tbh he probably does need a good lay)

Bertrand follows Maxwell’s advice with how to address her. Your Majesty when we first meet, and then ma’am after that. Kay. Important! We can’t forget to stay a step or two behind her when keeping company with her.

Literally who came up with these rules.

Maxwell says she loves to play games and is competitive as hell. It’s on, Queenie. I don’t let anyone win. Best me or git gud.

She mainly is concerned with how the Prince’s bride will care for Cordonia. Valid. So probably don’t put me in charge because I’m more concerned with how adorable Tom Holland is.

One slip-up ruins our reputation, although we’re apparently a mystery woman (literally don’t know how i’m a transparent fuck) and then we’re at the picnic.

MC is impressed by the million-dollar picnic. Bertrand only slightly reprimands us for the comment. I think he’s warming up to us. And then he tells us to go away. Lovely.

We meet up with the other ladies and Hana welcomes us, whereas Olivia absolutely has to open her damn mouth up. She’s the Rocket of this group, only nobody likes her and she likes nobody.

Queen Regina makes her appearance! The chick escorting her is the one Leo dumped, lmao. I think her name was Madeleine?

It is, and Olivia has this habit of being a bitch whilst providing info that I don’t even really need. Anyway, since Leo abdicated, I wonder if she’ll go for the rebound on Bradley. Probably. Because this wasn’t already impossible.

We introduce ourselves to the Queen, and Madeleine apparently was telling the Queen about us. Oh boy. The Queen knows our name and is generally pleasant, at least. She likes what the press has said about us and commends our efforts on a good image. Though she tells us that, as our stupid label is ‘The Mystery Woman’, that as a public servant, we won’t stay a mystery for long.

Great, hard questions. Best quality in a ruler? Personally, I’d say both charisma and a sense of duty. Otherwise you’re a Leo or you’re a Bertrand. But we’ll go with a sense of duty. She likes the answer. I’m glad she’s being honest about how hard this life is. I can only imagine how difficult it is.

She tells us the press is always watching. So no affairs with Drake if we’re with Princey. Well, I don’t plan on being with Bradley, but I’m sure we’ll somehow be chosen anyway.

I believe we can show the people we’re human. No one is constantly big and bad and without feelings. Our people need to know we care.  When you have a country and your people feel like the ones leading don’t give a fuck about you, the people, it’s a nightmare. Of course, this isn’t the angle MC takes and therefore the Queen doesn’t like the answer.

Great, we get to hit colored balls with mallets. I’m ‘bout to play gold, fuck the croquet.

We keep a step behind the Queen, which gives us a point we lost for our answer on the second question she gave us. MC seems to think she was testing us, and I think she was too. I really would like to know what Madeleine has said about us to her.

Aww, Bradley is here! He kisses our knuckles and is looking absolutely delicious in his outfit. As usual, he’s happy to see us. It’s nice to see him again too.

Yep, Madeleine is a suitor. Duh. Why else would she be here? The Queen already knows she has what it takes. Bradley chooses us as his partner in the match! It’s predictable but I’m still happy about it, shut up.

She doesn’t know how to play croquet. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY CROQUET.

My MC is an idiot and I’m ready to protest. I know this is for those who really don’t know how to play, but still. Just have Bradley ask if we know how to play. Simple as that.

I don’t know how Bradley can put up with such stupidity from one woman. Yes, the arches are the hoops you hit the ball through. Good. Fucking. Grief.

Gently tap it even though I wanna knock the ball right in Olivia’s face.

So for some reason we found the need to approach our opponents, they have a laugh at our expense, and then the Queen asks us our opinion on governance. Lordy. There wasn’t a better way to write this?

I’m starting to wish I’d gone for the other hat options when it comes to talking to the Queen. IMO, governance is fucking hard and only those who really can do it, should. It’s an art lost on most. Also boring, but tbh, it’s important so you might as well just find the beauty in it whatever way you can.

Queen likes that answer. More points!

Bradley informs us it’s our turn and if we hit the peg in the center, we win the game. Easy. Only if your MC isn’t a dumbass, anyway.

LMAO I AIN’T LETTING THE QUEEN WIN FUCK THAT SHIT IT’S NOT A COMPETITION IF SOMEONE LETS YOU WIN

I TAKE THE WIN MYSELF!

YAAAAAS SHE’S GOT THE TRUE COMPETITIVE SPIRIT!

We passed the Queen’s test! She likes us. She likes that we’re different and while she knows we’ll eventually be on opposing sides, she also knows that we do care and will put our heart into whatever it is that we do.

Man, I am gonna let so many people down when I choose Drake. And believe me, I’m choosing him. I can’t let my salty commoner get away. He’s probably my soulmate.

The Queen is now Outtie 5000 and the rest of us are left to chill out at the tables. Hana approaches Bradley and I, and she seems happy that we won. She’s so nice. Bradley offers for her to take a seat with us and she accepts. Maxwell and Drake (!!! I DIDN’T THINK WE’D SEE HIM THIS CHAPTER) join us as food is being served.

I agree with Drake. Give me a bacon cheeseburger and fries, not rabbit food. And as it turns out, agreeing with Drake is a choice and that choice boosts our relationship with him! See? Soulmates.

Finally, my MC and I have something in common. We like hearty foods. As in, foods that later on in life will give you heart problems. (Jk. No heart attacks pls)

Fuck yeah I think I impressed the Queen. The damn box told me I did. It said ‘Queen Bee’ and everything. Bradley agrees, and then Drake decides he’s done talking about us and wants more food.

Aaaand MC and I are done. A fucking cronut? Naw bitch, we do donuts around here. The rest of the table has no idea what a cronut is, and they’re not going to experience one anytime soon because I am not spending all 16 of my diamonds so these fuckers can have dessert. We’re gonna have dinner at the palace.

We move to the following morning after that and are awoken by Maxwell and Bertrand. And for some reason, she put on her waitress clothes?

Yes, Bertrand, assume my morning grunts were a proper greeting. It seems that stick up his ass is getting slightly loose. Maxwell tells us they found out where the next social event is going to be and if we’re going to go with everyone else, we gotta go. Like, now.

Great, we’re going to see snow. ‘Cause I just love snow.

(Can you guys sense my sarcasm and saltiness all the time? I’m at a base level of 30% salt.)

I’m more of a hot chocolate by the fire kind of girl... (Even though I don’t really like hot drinks.)

This event takes place in Olivia’s home territory. Great. If we’re going to spend time with Bradley, we’re gonna have to beat Olivia ‘at her own game’, as Bertrand puts it.

And yes, I will be an ice queen because I love the cold, and the snow only to an extent. I like to look at it while it is still pretty. I like to touch it. Really I love it up until it starts to melt. Is that just me?