#i cannot imagine i'll be handling the next one well bc of this experience

[fyrewalks]

more footage and details coming out from all the tornadoes in our area. and i'm just, i cannot describe the relief i'm feeling. these were tornadoes that were only ten or twenty minutes away from us etc. like it really is just luck that we weren't hit. someone we know no longer has a roof on their house, they're still missing pets. a family friend's neighbor no longer has a barn but thankfully they didn't loose any of their horses. our friend had to help look for them in the middle of the night. another place we know had multiple buildings knocked over. and we're still waiting to see how high the death toll will rise in our area. this isn't the first time we've had tornadoes from hurricanes (thank you to my mom for reminding me that we survived one when i was kid which i apparently blocked out ghfdjsk) but it is the first time we are super aware of it bc of social media, better reporting, etc etc.

[moonjxsung]

I feel you on the chaos, though I don't think my chaos compares to your chaos lol

I'm so so happy you weren't laid off; I couldn't imagine having to scramble for another job especially with everything you have going on right now.

I guess that's another thing we can both relate to, being horrible at change and loss. only I'm also horrible at helping others cope with things like that, so I hope I'm able to provide words with as deep a meaning as I intend in my mind 😭 often times I suck at explaining or expressing myself so I need to work on that buttt

I truly cannot imagine losing a figure like that in my life, and I'm only fortunate enough to not have had to deal with that much loss in my lifetime, so trying to imagine what I would do if something like this ever happened with one of my idols doesn't even come close to what you're going through right now. All i really want you to know is you can always send me a message or an ask if you ever want to talk to me about anything ever. I also have a separate private Insta from my personal that I use to chat with online friends, and I would love to talk with you over there if you ever need anything my love 💕 (@mywivesforreal)

It goes without saying, but my heart goes out to Liam's victims as well as the people who loved him and did what they could to help him, and all the people mourning his passing

I literally have zero experience working in a corporate environment so I can't even fathom how stressful it must be all the time especially if you're being strained physically and mentally AND emotionally... I don't think I could even handle all that

Even if you feel like you're struggling, or if you feel like things are just too much, I want you to always remember that you're doing so much more than so many others, and are doing it so incredibly well even under all the pressure and stress. I for one, as well as so many others, am so so proud of you.

I think I feel numb too, but in the sense that there's just so much going on for me that all I can do to physically get myself through each day is take it one thing at a time. That's become my little mantra, which is a thing I never thought I would have lmao (I always thought it was corny or repetitive but look at me now) I think it helps motivate me in the sense that I use it as an incentive. Once I finish one thing, I'll tell myself that if I got through that, surely I can make it through the next thing, and so on. It's basically gaslighting myself every single day, but hey it works for me. And everyone will find that for themselves eventually, it just takes longer for some, and that's completely understandable. everyone copes differently, and what works for some may not work for another. All i can say is keep going, and I will always be here for you along with so many others that cherish and support you, my love 💕

I still consider myself a teenager, and I still sometimes answer my age as 18 or 19 (but I think my brain is aging like a raisin because why did I forget my own name the other day?). I have absolutely zero understanding of adulthood when I try to think about it, and honestly I just have to do what comes naturally 😭 I don't even have a sense of what's mature or immature tbh, so if I sound like a literal child sometimes I won't know until I read it over the next day and cringe. but I can say for sure that you have given me such a sense of maturity and wiseness through your thoughts and art. But you're still so young, and I believe everyone should cherish that because as soon as you strive to get rid of that you can never get it back. Just let yourself be, really, and let you find a rhythm that works for you. I hate doing it, and my anxiety gets so bad with change of any kind as well, but I feel like I've grown so much by just letting that resentment go.

My life has been a bit much for me lately, and my body is definitely not loving it lol 😚 I've started working out again, and I don't think I ever told you bc it totally slipped my mind, but my surgery date got moved to November 13th. it actually got changed twice and I was so pissed when they called me lmao but it seems like this one is set. I have my first post op physical therapy appointment scheduled as well so I'm really going to try and just breeze through recovery. Softball has been a lot, especially with practice starting up again every day for me. I'm sore all the time in different places I didn't even know could get that sore, and I get muscle cramps in places I didn't know you could cramp, and I'm of course always sleepy, but I'm hoping that strengthening the muscles before surgery will make it easier to get back after. it's tricky to balance strengthening with not hurting myself though, especially since I need to work my quads the most, because you lose those first when you're not mobile. unfortunately for me most of the exercises that work your quads involve lots of squatting and lunging and all sorts of things my knees do not like

but I did miss working out, and I forgot how good it feels to be doing something, especially something I love like softball. that along with school (still) kicking my butt has just been a lot to cope with, so I wasn't doing great for a while. I don't remember if I talked to you about this or not, but over the summer my anxiety got so much worse than it's ever been, just from being isolated for so long after going home for vacation. I literally stayed in my room all day every day and I wouldnt even eat till dinner because I got anxiety thinking about having to order food or talk to my family if I came out of my room. Since coming back to school and getting somewhat back into the routine, I think ive gotten better and I hope ive grown from that experience 😓 (aka I hope ive learned that I'm an extrovert at heart and I literally need people around me every day to stay sane and mobile) Although I still do get it pretty bad, like asking my friends to order for me every now and then or starting to sweat and panic during important phone calls. I think I'm doing okay now, though, and I only wish to go up from here 💞

thank you for being here star 💕 I love you forever and I will continue coming back every day to read kinktober and everything else you post and I always will

Genuinely crying at this and it’s like 1 in the morning how do you ALWAYSSSS know exactly what to say ☹️🩷 I love you so bad I am melting into a puddle as we speak. (Also I’m following you on insta ASAPPPPP feel free to dm if you ever need to 💓)

I’m absolutely terrible with loss and change. It’s actually something I spoke to my sister about the night before his passing, offhandedly and for no reason. I think I was just mourning all the coworkers I knew would be leaving us, and I mentioned that I just don’t know how to deal with people exiting my life so permanently. I hold everyone, regardless of how fleeting the interaction is, SO close to my heart that it’s almost painful to process sometimes. I’ve often told my sister I can chat with someone in an elevator for five minutes and still be devastated about us having to part ways, no matter how much time has passed.

It feels almost silly to be grieving to this extent. But 1D meant more to me than anything I can even begin to explain in this plane of existence. I was in the middle of writing a Liam fanfic several years ago when I stopped writing altogether. It’s still among my drafts. I spoke about getting a 1D tattoo for a decade straight, I saw them in concert twice, everyone in high school knew me as the crazy 1D fan. It feels like a part of me has died. I feel so guilty consuming boyband content right now, as strange as it may sound. Like a part of me will always associate the grief with the passion I have for all my favorite people.

I went to the doctor today for blood tests because I suddenly started losing hair this month, and today was one of the worse days I’ve ever experienced of it. I literally got out of the shower holding fists of my hair in both my hands and I immediately emailed my doctor, and she’s under the impression that it’s stress and coping with grief. I feel emotions to such a robust extent it takes a physical toll on my body. Between all of this and a slew of things that have piled on this year, I simply despise consciousness. I want to sleep all the time and I don’t want to feel anything at all, but I’m really trying for the people I love. There are so many people being really patient with me right now and I’m so grateful for that. I know it’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of processing, but I’m trying to make my own strides in the meantime. And I’m getting most of my hair cut very soon because I’m losing all of it anyway 🤕

I’m glad I’m not the only one who still sees myself such in the teen cycle of my life. I have to remind myself I’m not 19 anymore, but I don’t feel like an adult in any sense of the word. My followers see me as much older and wiser than I am (I still love u guys), yet I’m typically the youngest colleague in all my meetings. There is no in between. I think I find solace only in reverting back to the little joys of my childhood, like boy bands and writing fanfiction. But then I’m swiftly pulled out of this state, too, and I remind myself that this is also fleeting and I can’t cushion the fall of adulthood on a kpop blog forever. I think I’ll be trying to find that balance for the remainder of my young adult years. I appreciate the gentle reminder that I’m still young. I certainly don’t feel it, but it helps to hear it 🥹

I completely meant to ask about your surgery in my last response to you, but I didn’t want to air it out in case you didn’t want me to 🫶 I’m sorry to hear it got moved out again ☹️ but I am glad that it seems to be finally set in stone this time around! Maybe this happened for a reason and the universe needed the extra time to prepare you for it. Regardless, I have no doubt that everything is going to go smoothly and you’re going to make it out okay. Will I sound crazy if I admit that I’ve been measuring my October by weeks until your surgery? 😅 my colleagues keep referring to Halloween and I’m like “oct 31st- that’s Gabby’s surgery!!!!” LOL it’s been very heavy on my mind.

I am super glad to hear that you’re finding some joy in softball and exercising moderately! That sounds super fun!! Just remember to take it easy, okay? There’s no rush or pressure to push yourself to your limits, especially with your surgery around the corner. I hope it’s fulfilling you in the meanwhile and providing some sense of mental and physical relief. That sounds super tiring though, gosh I don’t think I could ever be a softball player 😭 all the props to you!!!!

We’re also in the same boat regarding anxiety, but I want you to know that I am SO proud of you for recognizing what’s been helping you and trying to stick to that for some relief. It’s not easy to be able to identify that you’re an extrovert and force yourself to get back out there with people. But even just being able to say that is MONUMENTAL in your personal growth. Seriously, you can only go up from here. And even if you have minor moments of weakness, like your friends having to order for you, they still count toward your progress. You should be so proud of yourself. Together we’re going to kick anxiety’s butt 🙂‍↕️🫶

I love you so dearly. I’ll never be able to put into words what you mean to me. But I hope my long-winded responses are answer enough. I’m counting down to your surgery right alongside you (and thrilled that you’ll still be able to enjoy Halloween!) and I’m sending you all my love always. 💓🫶👼