#i can't work again yet i caaan't

[beneathsilverstars]

ack.. if i don't check my work email soon i'm going to miss my chance to sign up for a workshop for the next semester....

[lady-lycany]

I can go from zoomies and tailwags to whining and howling in like... one minute

all it takes is to remind myself, that I once again was just a part of someone's life until they felt better and didn't need me anymore. (or at least this is what my mind is telling me)

vent incoming in 3. 2. 1. (yes this topic again)

I don't wanna be alone again but at the same time, I don't wanna go through the "getting to know you" process with someone again. 😒

If I could fulfill myself one "impossible" wish in my life, I think, it wouldn't be the ability to transform or anything. I would snap with my fingers and let Eric and Alan become reality. The way I imagine us since 2015. I would never have to be afraid, to end up alone anymore, cuz I could count on them anytime.

...or maybe being able to transform would help with the loneliness too? Cuz I wouldn't rely on others like I do now? I dunno...

I'm really working on having a great time by myself, and depending on what it is, it can work well, but there are still a few things, that I would prefer to do with others, mainly because there's always the fear of being judged for doing these things alone.

Hell, I can't even go to the cinema without the ticket sellers be like "you're alone? really? why?" and I'm always like "oh, no one had time" when in reality, I just have no one, and the only two ones I have, are invisible 💀🤦🏻‍♀️

Also, end of this month, there will be a fair in our town, that I was so excited to finally visit with my bestie. But surpriiiise, I caaan't because that mf won't be there for me. Same with this december, where even she was excited to visit with me a tradition that we have in the bavarian alps. And once again, I can't do shit. I was waiting for so long, for nothing. we even talked about that when I help her moving here, that we both would move into a different state together cuz I want to leave my past here behind too, with all the bullying that was going on here...

Then she comes with comments like "I was on a walk and imagined you to be with me🥰" BITCH I COULD IF YOU WOULD HAVE THE FUCKING BALLS TO MOVE YOUR ASS OVER. We were. so. fucking. close. She told me this new years eve, that this would be our year. I feel so stupid that I believed her.

My anger makes me don't want to talk to her anymore... Which I haven't for a week now...

And yet, I still rely on her. Like a dog that gets slapped from it's owner. What can it do, other than to accept it, because it won't survive alone?

The stupidest shit is, that I brought us in this situation. Cuz I wanted a clear yes or no, instead of "maybe, idk, ect." Now I got my no. I told her, that it's her decision. And I still am thinking like that. I just can't believe, that after these years of planning, she actually decided against me. It could've been us. No one would've ended alone. But she picked the way, where I stay alone and she with many, she just met?.

The fact, that I was also ready to move over to that workshop, that I visited two weeks ago and didn't really like. Cuz otherwise, she would've had to go there alone. I didn't like it there and would've done it, for her sake.

Why am I like that? Why am I willing to do so many unasked favors, when I receive nothing in return.

*sigh* sorry for always rambing here about it, but I have no one else to talk to. I know, no one will respond but that's fine. I just feel more heard here, than writing it in private notes.

Edit because I don't wanna reblog:

even tho I'm so hurt, I wonder if she actually destroyed a nice future, or if this move could actually keep our friendship in tact and save it. cuz what if, we would have a big conflict when she's here so a distant friendship would actually work better? like a sister that lives in a different town? I always had this mindset that siblings can have a conflict and yet stay siblings. and she's not born from the same mother, but we're soulsiblings... we just have so many things in common and the same mindset...

I wish someone up the sky, could tell me how to move on with this situation. Cuz I know, that I probably care more about that whole situation than she does. While she's hanging out with friends, I only question, if I wanna go the 'sibling' path, or the 'I can't believe you let me fall like this'. I don't know, if she actually thinks about me rn. Idk if she regrets hurting me like that with that decision. Idk if she cares about me enough, cuz she knows, that if she loses me, she still has others, and so has nothing to be afraid of... not like me...

I can't even ask her, cuz then her words would feel forced. I just wish she would let me know from time to time. If she would actually care about my absence when I would decide to go the other way instead of staying in contact... if she would forget me easily...